You've spent decades studying murderers, liars, world leaders, becoming an expert at decoding this hidden language. What do we need to know in our everyday lives? What are the basics that you want everybody to be equipped with so that we can spot when people are lying, so that we can spot these signals that somebody is giving to us and be more empowered in life? Where do we even begin, Jeanine?

It's a great question, Mel. First, I would start with us before decoding others. Emotional intelligence is self-awareness, social awareness, self-adaptation, motivating others to be the best version of themselves. So let's start with self-awareness. When it comes to ourselves, a lot's happening. I call it a behavioral fingerprint. What's your behavioral fingerprint? What's your movement DNA?

I have no idea.

You're so dynamo. Are you kidding? Listen, Listen, you're making a bagel in your kitchen or whatever, and then you say some sound bite, and it goes millions of people are watching it, and lives are being changed because of it. Your body language is great. You're very authentic. And here's why. I love trees. And if you at home can imagine a tree. There's the four stages of how we communicate. And if you think of a tree, Mel and you at home, we're going to start with the roots of the tree. The roots of the tree is what we believe. I spoke at Georgetown University, and someone said, a woman, And at the end of my presentation, Excuse me, I have a group interview tomorrow. Five people are interviewing me. Jeanine, is there a question you would ask at the end of the interview? And I said, yes, I would ask to each of them, what do you consider the ideal candidate to look like? And how do I measure up to your expectation of the ideal candidate? And the woman, had you all been there, you would have seen her and heard her say, oh, I could never ask that.

I would look desperate. You would have heard me respond, you're right. You would look desperate. I would look confident.

Is that because of the roots?

It's because of the roots of the tree. It's what I believe, because I really want to know that question. A lot of us, for the women who are listening, a lot of us women, we really do ourselves a huge disservice. Men go in and men say, Excuse me, Mel, I just found out my mother's coming to town, fourth of July. I'm taking four days off. Confident, solid body language. Women, we ask the same question that same day. We will often, many of us, come in shoulder-schrugging. And we put our shoulders up to our ears. Hey, boss, I just found out, shoulder shrug, that my mother's coming to town, shoulder shrug. I didn't know she was coming. Could I take the fourth of July off? And your boss says, yes to Bob and no to Jane. Jane, ask me again in June. And we walk away and say, this is what happens. It's a double standard. Now, I'm not saying there's not a double standard with men and women because there is. But there are some areas where we have to take responsibility for the results we're getting. And here's the reason. When we A shoulder shrug, we're going to talk about this hopefully in a bit, but a shoulder shrug means uncertainty, and it's also connected to deception, which we'll talk about, hopefully in a minute.

But a shoulder shrug means uncertainty, and we have mirror neurons. You yawn, Mel, or Donna, or Jessie, or Amy, or Andrea, whoever's listening. You yawn, I yawn. Science. Mel, I know you love science. I know you love what's happening in the brain and how the brain and the body are talking to one another because they are. So when I come in uncertain, how am I making my boss feel, Mel?

Uncertain. And they probably don't even realize it. I've been watching a bunch of your Ted talks, and you did this exercise with the audience, and we can do with everybody listening, where simply take a second and say the words, Can I have the fourth of July off? While your shoulders are hiked up towards your ears, and you'll realize your entire body and energy is questioning the words that are coming out of your mouth. It's impossible, Jeanine. You're absolutely right. I've never even thought about it. Impossible to even feel confident. If you're talking with your shoulders up at your ears, you're shrugging them up.

You're planting pumpkin seeds and expecting tomatoes to grow.

It's true.

I mean, come on. It begins with the roots, though. It's not our fault. It's not your fault, because no one is teaching us this, okay? We just want to be light. We don't want to be inconveniencing people. We don't know if we're bothering. But if you look at many of the men in confidence in alpha women. They just come in unapologetically. That's the roots of the tree. What is it that you're planting? Because what you're planting is going to grow whatever the seed is connected to. So get to those roots of the tree. It's what do you believe.

What's the second part? The trunk. Okay, what's the second part?

The trunk of the tree is body language. Now, this is interesting because after body language comes the branches. The branches, Mel and you at home, the branches are thought. So this means body language comes before before thought. And here's the deal. It comes up to five seconds before thought. Mel, do you think five seconds is a good advantage for the military? Would five seconds matter?

It's life or death, I would think.

Do you think five seconds matter with an athlete?

It's winning or losing.

Can five seconds with you, with your 10 second rule, can five seconds make a difference? Can I jump out of bed at five seconds?

Yes.

With understanding what I'm talking about Now, first is the intention, the roots of the tree, then body language, and then thought. This means you get a five second advantage to know how someone else feels before their brain knows how they feel. This is why when I say, Hey, Mel, I can't come and join you for Thanksgiving this year. And you go, not a problem, Jeanine, and your lips disappear. Everyone pull your lips in and just say, Not a problem. I don't mind. And pull your lips in, okay?

Make them disappear.

Make them disappear. And so Mel goes, not a problem, Jeanine. I say, when we don't like what we see or hear, our lips disappear, or a lip roll is emotional control.

What's a lip roll look like?

That's this. Oh, so- Lips disappearing, rolling those lips in.

Okay.

So Mel says, not a problem. I now have a five second advantage. I know that there is a problem because Mel's lips disappeared. And when we don't like what we see or hear, our lips disappear. So I know there is a problem. I I know my dad's a hothead. When I see my dad's lips disappear, I've got five seconds to get my kids in the truck and get the heck out of Maine in my dad's cottage before my kids see the angry dad that I grew up with because they don't believe he exists, right? So I have a five second of, we got Go, go, go. Move on out. It's like the Indy 500 fixing the tires. Really quick. So I might stick around and say, Mel, maybe I'm wrong here. It seems that you're disappointed or there's something you're not saying. Five seconds I'm going to tell you what that person is going to say. Yeah, I am mad because last year you were supposed to come and you backed out three days before then. You have a five-second head start if you can decode body language because the body language people are showing you.

Their brain doesn't realize how they feel just yet. Body language shows up before the branches, before that thought. And the last one are the leaves. The leaves of the tree, Mel, are the words. And words matter because words plant the next seed. The words matter. What falls off the tree is planting that next seed. I recently heard on TikTok, and by the way, my friend said, you don't say you saw it on TikTok, you say you read it in the New York Times recently. So I told my sons, my three sons, I go, I recently read in the New York Times, and Jackie, he's my wise guy, the little one, he goes, yeah, I heard Terry Moore tell you when you see something on TikTok to say you read it in the New York Times. So what you're about to tell us, did you really see it on TikTok, mom? I'm like, damn you, Jackie, and your wiseness. So here's what I heard on TikTok, and maybe your listeners have heard it, and maybe you've said it, too. Have you talked about the bees and the flies?

No.

So the bees are not flying around, trying to convince the flies that honey tastes better than shit. So I'm going to repeat that. The bees are not wasting time convincing flies that honey tastes better than shit. I want a tribe of bees. I still want to inspire and influence the world, but only for the flies who are interested in tasting the honey. I recently broke up with a guy that was dating named Jimmy. He's amazing. I'm 5'9. I'm thick. He's 6'6. He's an animal, right? It's the first time I ever felt small. I finally started eating carbs again dating Jimmy. I'm like, I can date carbs. I'm dating this giant. And I had I had to break up with him because of what my mother would call his stinking thinking. He is planting these seeds of a negativity. He's like, people are going to take advantage of your... They're going to mistake your kindness for weakness. He's planting the wrong seeds for me. I want to be. I don't want to fly. So he's a fly. So someone said to me last night, so you've been single for two years and you're in these dating apps.

What's going on? How come you're still single? I said, because I'm looking for bees. I'm looking for bees or flies that want to hang out with bees. That's what I'm looking for. So it goes back to the power of our words is creating what's coming next, right? It's what are you planting? What are you planting? Get out of your thinking, thinking. You have 17 seconds to stop complaining. And research says after 17 seconds, you have to bring your self esteem back up. You have to say at least five positive things about yourself. And after 17 seconds, if you add on a negative thing, another negative thing, you create momentum. And when you create momentum, system, then it's hard to stop the negativity. And you may talk about this. So excuse me if you do.

No, I'm just fascinated listening to everything that you're saying. I want, though, to focus on how we can become better at spotting when somebody's lying to us, at spotting. Because I think that there's a lot of... In the work that you and I do, you often find somebody after the heartbreak, after the cheating, after somebody has lied to you. And what I would love for you to help us understand is how can we get better at spotting the signs that based on decades of research, based on your expertise, the signs aren't lying. We can lie to ourselves, and we can make excuses for the way people are treating us, and we do all the time. And you always say, Stop listening to what people are saying, and start looking at how they're treating you because that's the truth about how they feel about you. But the signs don't lie. And half the time, people shrugging their shoulders or folding in their lips, or sending these body language signals, they don't even realize they're doing it because the signs don't lie. And so what are the big ones that we have to be aware of. Yeah.

So if I can just put a cap on that last part of understanding yourself. There are body language moves you can do to be seen as confident and powerful. One is I'm doing it now. If you're seeing me, it's called steepling. And you'd see Mr. Burns do this. It's fingertips to fingertips making like a church steeple. When we steeple people, we intimidate people. The higher the steeple, the more intimidation. So it's a sign of confidence. So a nice low steeple, especially if you're a woman in a meeting and men are over-talking you, instead of saying, let me finish with a palm down gesture like you're the police on a raid in telling people to get on the ground. If you just lean back and steeple, someone else at the table will quiet down the people who are interrupting you. So when we steeple people, we intimidate people. It's a sign of confidence.

Another- Let me ask I'll ask you a question about that. So just so everybody listening gets this, because I think this is critical. You're in a meeting at work, or you're at a family dinner, or you're out with a bunch of girlfriends or whatever, and people are talking over you. You're saying that instead of raising your hand or stop talking over me or continuing to talk, if you lean back, you put your fingertips together and make a church steeple or a triangle, and you lean back in your chair, and then you stare at the person who is talking over you, or what do you do?

Well, you can either stop looking at them or look at their forehead, and you would think that they don't feel it. But when someone's being disrespectful, if you look at their forehead, it can change it. I don't want to get into some advanced stuff, but I'll tell you this. When we talk to people, I talk out of my right eye into your left eye because you're opposite me, right? So I'm talking primarily out of my right eye. All human beings, it doesn't matter if you're right or your lefty. We talk out of our right eye into your left eye. If I want to intimidate you because I don't like your behavior or the inappropriate things you're saying, my right eye will go diagonal to your right eye. And you can do this to a waitress, and they come to take your order, and you just focus your right eye to their right eye. So you're going to go diagonal, and they'll start to pacify. You'll see them fix their hair, touch their throat, because it's this little hidden power that we have. So you can look at someone's forehead. You can look out of your predominant right eye here as you're talking to someone's left eye, diagonal, crossing.

And then that's people, or just stop looking at them altogether and stop giving them your attention. And the steepling someone else at the table, whether it's Professional or personal, say, Hey, Mike. Hey, Jeff. Hey, Susan. Stop interrupting her. Let her finish. I like to say, Do you want to be right or do you want to be effective? In the old days, I would be mouthy, and I'd be like, attitudey. But I would always leave. I was always the bad guy walking out of the meeting, and I got sick of being the bad guy. And I'm like, okay, I need to be more effective here. My mother taught me steepling. She was a nurse. She since passed. And I had a boss that used to point, and she'd be like, Richard, my office now. Marjorie should walk into this pool of people at desks. And they became cartoon figures. Their eyes popped out of their head, and they looked full of fear. And I called my mother. I was 25. I was in the World Trade Center in New York. And I go, Mom, my boss does this aggressive thing. If she does it to me, I'm mouthy.

I'm going to lose my cool job with ATF. My mother was a nurse for elderly homeless people, Mel, in Boston, Committee to End elderly Homelessness, and at Mount Robin Hospital in Cambridge. I went home, 5'2, I'm 5'9, she's a peanut. She goes, I want you to do this. This is before I knew it was called steepling and fingertips to fingertips. And I go, What's that call? She goes, I have no idea. I just know when a doctor says my mom was Lorraine, Lorraine, can I talk to you about the last patient? She's always feel like I'm in trouble. So lo and behold, Coleen, my boss at the World Trade Center, did it to me two months later. Jeanine, my office. She pointed at me, was aggressive. I pulled out mom's move, which I now know is called steepling. Oprah Winfrey does it all the time. I walked casually behind Coleen with my steeple. When I went into her office, had you been there, you would have heard her say, Do you know why I called you in my office? And with my steeple in hand, I responded the way mom told me. I said, I have a pretty good idea, Coleen.

She was, Why? I go, I'm exceeding all your expectations. As you might imagine, she's like, I'll do that at the end of the year in an evaluation. I got to spread it out. I love attention from my boss, still steepling. Every now and then, call me in, and I'll come skipping in. I come in early, I stay late. I know I'm exceeding your expectations. Isn't that why you call me in? She didn't know what to do. I worked for her for three and a half years. She never called me in her office again. The reason she had called me in that day was to bully me. And when I said, Why did you call me in? She said, Oh, I just want to see how you're enjoying living in New York City. She was a bully boss. So if you have bully bosses and bully people in your life, pull out that steeple, because when you steeple people, you have power over people.

Does it work with a spouse or somebody you're dating that's buying? Yes, and kids.

They feel like they're in trouble. So if you want to make them feel like they're in trouble, then you're not going to be pushed around easily. A hundred % steeple.

Steeple. I love it. It's almost like a little shield that you're creating. It's like you can become your own superhero superpower when you steeple. It's like Wonder Twins Unite, and they used to hit their fist. You're now creating a force field. You You are in charge when you put the steeple up. I absolutely love that.

I love it. Do you know Desiree Gruber? Have you ever met her?

No.

So she's in New York City. She came up with the idea marketing company of the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show back in the day. And by the way, Victoria's Secret initially didn't want it. And then when they had it, it blew out the Internet. It was the first time the Internet crashed was the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. And Victoria's Secret wasn't happy at first. And then the publicity exploded, Victoria's Secret Fashion Show with the wings and Well, she once sent me a picture. She's a client, and she sent me a picture of her steepling in the oval office in the White House because she said she was nervous with all those heavy hitters. So she brought her steeple out in the oval office. Nancy Pelosi All these people were there. That's pretty cool. And so when you're nervous, people, you can fake it there. And the other move I wanted to say is a chin grab. Indra Nui is the former CEO of PepsiCo. I love Indra Nui. Google her if everyone doesn't know who she is. Indian. She was raised in India. She has a sister. Her mother used to, every night at the dinner table, have her and her sister debate, You're running for President of the United States.

You're running for Prime Minister of Australia. And they would debate. She grows up, becomes a female CEO of PepsiCo. Wow.

Maybe that's what I did wrong. I've just been going I'm going to get your elbows off the table. To your kid.

So when she does an interview, look at Indra Nui, she grabs her chin. And I say, When we grab our chin, we're about to win. Take a picture of yourself. How do you normally sit? And now take a picture of yourself holding your chin. Look how much more intelligent We look like we have a master's degree. We look like we have it all figured out.

I literally look like I just won the Pulitzer Prize. And see, here I figured I was holding my chin because it's very pointy. I don't really like it, so I'm hiding it, but it does look very- What can I tell you about your pointy chin means? Yeah. What is my pointy chin? It's like a shovel.

And a pointy chin, you can take it. You can take something on the chin. And a pointy chin is like a shovel, and that you will fight for people. You will fight. You will have that determination, is that That chin right there.

Can you... I have to just tell you a quick story. When my husband was in the restaurant business, we couldn't go out to another restaurant and actually have a nice date because the man would be so preoccupied. Oh, there's 40 seats. There's this many waiters. Like, he was just in the language of running a restaurant.

I can reverse engineer what he does with his body language based on Are you telling me that? Would you want me to tell you what he does with his body language?

Yeah. But what I was going to say is, can you actually be with other people and not be decoding them?

Like that movie where Jim Carrey becomes God, and he turns it into sticky notes, and then he turns it into an email system. Some things I can't unsee, but I have ADD, so sometimes I'm daydreaming and not paying attention. So if you prime me in advance to decode whoever you're with, then I'll see it all. Otherwise, I'm not really I can't unsee what we're about to talk about, detecting deception. I can't unsee the detecting deception hotspots I'm going to share with you. I can't unnotice them. So we'll go over those in a second. But I want to reverse engineer what your husband does. And I've never met him. I don't know him. I know about One business was doing well. He opened up another one and didn't do so well, and another one didn't. And then I know your story about this rocket ship. So I wanted you to do a test. And you at home, anyone who pays attention to all the details like Mel's husband, all these little I want you to watch how they drink their water tonight at dinner, or tomorrow at breakfast, or today at lunch, whatever time you're listening to this amazing Mel Robbins podcast.

And I'm going to tell you what they're going to do with their water, these detail-oriented people. And by the way, I am not one of them. Is when they drink their water... Mel, I want you to notice this for your husband. What's his first name?

Chris.

Chris. All right. He's going to drink his water. When he puts the glass or the bottle on the table, he's going to watch it and Until it hits the table. When he goes to pick up the bottle, he's going to look at the bottle, keep looking at it as he grasps the bottle. He's going to keep looking at it, grasp the bottle. People like me who are not detail-oriented, what I do is I see the table, I look down where the table is, I grab my bottle of water, but I'm still looking at you. So I look just to see, oh, yeah, my water is still there. I look at the water, and then I look back at you, and I pick it up without looking at the water. And now I'm looking at you, and I put it down without I'm not looking at the table. I figured, Gravity and the thing I just picked it up from are still there. Detail-oriented people. They have a magnum glass. It's like Inspector Crousseau or Sherlock Holmes. And so when they talk to you, Jimmy Fallon, Amy Schumer, Jennifer Lawrence. Their humor, all three of those people, are about the details.

They remember words from movies and words from songs. Watch them in interviews. They will talk. They're like smart bombs. So it's not just the watch, water, it's all their energy is directed in one area. So Jimmy Fallon will talk, and his hand points up and his eyes point up. You see Jennifer Lawrence, Hi, nice to meet you, with a handshake in her head. I feel like I can't get away from their energy. If you're talking to me, and all of a sudden, if Chris, your husband, was doing this, I'd be like, Whoa, detail-oriented, aren't you? You like to research the research and then recommend more research? And watch how they put the drinks down. I'm speaking today at a company called Paylocity, and two of their big executives, I watched them last night at their little cocktail hour, and I secretly videotaped them.

Oh, my God. Are you going to play it during your keynote?

Oh, yeah. I went up and asked for permission today. But as they drank their water, they watched it till it hit the table as if like, Hi, I'll be right back. You made it. And I said, Are you detail-oriented? Do you love to research the research to executives? They go, Yes. How do you know that? I go, Simply by how I watched you drink your water. I said, If I put a coaster on the table, and it was crooked, would you adjust the coaster? Both said 100 %. So in meetings, if you're listening in your business person, especially sales, make sure you have coasters crooked on the table. Now, some people who aren't detail oriented may just fix it because it's irritating. But watch if they watch their glass when they put it all the way till it hits the table. Someone like me, when it hits the table, my eyes are back on you. It's not even looking at where it's going.

What does that tell you about how to sell to them?

It says they want lots of... Two things. One, they're going to want lots and lots of details. That's number one. Number two, in your emails, if you're detail-oriented, in your emails are probably too long. In someone like me, I'm never going to read your emails. I'm going to pick up the phone and call and say, okay, what do I need to know about this event? What's the dress code? Where is it? What you need to do if you're detail-oriented in your emails or text messages at the top, think like Twitter. Here's what you must know. Here's the three things you must know. Additional information is below. Someone like me who's not motivated by details, I don't look at the water when I put it down or pick it up. I need to do the opposite. Here's what you need to know. Boom, boom, boom. Here's a link to additional information if you'd like to explore on your own. Fun things to do while you're in Orlando, here's a link. Hotels you can stay in Orlando, here's the link. Broadway shows you can see in New York. So if you understand people's behavioral fingerprints, and there's a bunch of things, maybe I'll come back and play again and answer questions.

You can sell to them differently. You can raise the kids differently. You can understand them. There's seven or eight billion in the world, 26 billion Different behavioral fingerprints.

Oh, my God. Now I'm overwhelmed. You know which ones I want to focus on? Yeah. Deception. Deception.

Here we go. Shoulder shrug. A shoulder shrug we talked about earlier is uncertainty. When I say, Hey, Mel, what do you want for lunch? A salad of ELT? I don't know. What do you want? A shoulder shrug makes sense there. Your verbal says, I don't know, and your nonverbal says, I don't know. It's congruent. But when I say, Hey, Mel, your favorite Ted talk of mine is blank, and I shoulder shrug. It does not mean I don't like that talk, but it does indicate there's something I'm uncertain about. Ask me if I ever cheated on my husband when I was married to him.

Did you ever cheat on your husband when you're married to him?

No. Now, I said no. And for people who are listening, I shrugged at the same time, and that's why Mel's laughing. But it doesn't mean I cheated. See, that shrug means, Mel, you opened a file in a cabinet that says top secret of something I don't want to share with you. And maybe what I don't want to share is that he cheated on me, and I'm called the human lie detector. Hypothetically, he cheated on me. Hypothetically, he went on Tinder two days before Christmas, and my friend told me because he showed up in her gout, hypothetically. So the shoulder shrug doesn't mean I'm canceling what I'm saying, but it does mean there's something I'm uncertain about. And I may not even realize it yet. Why? Because you have a five second advantage over my brain. I don't even realize I'm uncertain about something right now. But if you can spot it, you can simply say, I call it M-I-W formula. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm wrong here, Mel, but it feels to me that you're uncertain about something. And then let the person say, Well, yeah, I just was in the bathroom, and I overheard a woman saying her significant other stepping out on her, and she's devastated.

It's not my story to tell. But when you asked if I cheated on my husband, you open a file to just cheating in general. So that's why I was uncertain.

Today, we are talking about how you can protect yourself from other people's bad moods, how you deal with annoying coworkers. And boy, oh, boy, do we have a juicy question at the end of this conversation today from Celeste about gossip. You are going to just love her question. And I'm so excited because we all have stories about dealing with people who are energy suckers, and I am bringing some stories today, but I want to make sure that you leave with some tools. And so I not only got some of the fun stories you're going to relate to from my own life, but I've got really visual metaphors and tools that are simple to remember. They're sticky. You can teach them to anybody. One, you're going to learn how to put up an energetic force field. Two, we're going to talk about strategies for how you protect yourself from other people's baloney. And three, I'm going to teach you how to keep yourself in a positive mood, because Because that means no matter what's going on around you, you can be a force for good, and you can protect your own energy, even when people are testing your patience or trying to suck your energy dry.

So let's jump right in with a question from a listener named Veronica.

Hi, Mel. It's Veronica. In the workplace, and I'm sure in other spaces, too, I find that there are some people who, whether they are conscious of it or not, project their panic and anger in emails and communications, which more often than that turns my fine day into panic and anger as well. They are people who bring the house down with them. How can you hear what they are saying and not be emotionally affected by it?

Thank you. Veronica, that example of the emails, like when you get a text in all caps, or you get one of those emails where you can hear the edge in somebody's voice, and you're just like, Why are you doing verbal diarrhea at me right now through this email? Because you would not speak to me this way. I have this story. I was in Los Angeles last week, and we were checking in at the front desk, and this woman comes huffing and puffing from the elevators, okay? She's doing that walk where people are... They're really hustling and shuffling on the floor, and their elbows are really pointy, like they're trying to pump their arms to make them walk even faster and with more authority. She had this high pony, and it was swinging in the air. And she had a really fancy piece of luggage she was dragging, a duffle bag. And then there was this woman behind her, huffing and puffing behind her, too. And they walk right up next to us at the front desk, and she slams her hands on the table, as Chris and I are in the middle of talking to the woman who's checking us in.

Now, keep in mind, the woman who's checking us in, it's probably 9:15 at night in Los Angeles. She looks like she's probably I assume, given that I have a 24-year-old daughter, and I have a 22-year-old daughter, that she is probably a recent college grad who has majored in hospitality. And now she is in a two-year intern program where she is working in a hotel in a city she doesn't live in, and she's got that big blazer on that doesn't fit quite right, and you can tell that she's exhausted. I got this huffy, puffy, annoying woman next to me who is clearly entitled, and she's angry. What is she angry about? Oh. Well, the doors to her balcony. They don't close all the way. I didn't even know there were balconies on the rooms in this hotel. I mean, I'm not in that room. So she starts venting at this woman, venting at this 24-year-old woman in a hospitality internship program who does not have the authority to do anything, who is clearly exhausted, and who, by the way, is not responsible for the door to your balcony not working. And so why are you just vomiting on this poor gal?

And you could see the life force just drain out of this woman who was standing at the front desk. She apologized. She said she would get the manager who wasn't in and would be in in the morning. And then the woman huffed and she puffed. Well, what are you going to do about it now? I can't stand here. I can't stand to demand people like this. There is no reason not to be kind to other people. There is no reason not to ask for help in a polite manner, because the people that you're asking for help from almost never are responsible for the thing that's not working. And the person that's emailing you at work who's all frustrated because the Q4 numbers and the boop, boop, boop, boop, and the client this and the do, do, do, do, do, do, like you're not responsible for the stuff that's stressing them out. And so here's what I did in that moment, because a couple of things happened in that story. Number one, that woman's bitchy behavior and entitlement, it's contagious. And when somebody's yelling at you, whether it's an email or you're separated by the front desk at the hotel that you're working at, it still gets all over you.

I think about the visual almost like, if you've ever walked your dog and they jump into muddy water, or they roll in the mud, or heaven forbid, you're walking on the beach, and there's a big, nasty, rotting fish on the beach, and your dog runs right up to it before you can get to the dog. And now your dog is rolling all in it, and it's like, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then they run over to you. And what does a wet, dirty dog always do when that dog gets up to you? They shake. And when they shake, all of that negative, nasty, muddy fish, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, it just hits you. And when somebody is in a positive or a nasty mood, it's like a muddy dog shaking, and that energy gets all over you. And so it's critical in these moments that you protect your energy. And for me, I normally speak up when I see this thing, because normally I have really great energy, and I'm not going to let somebody get away with that. But the truth is, I was really tired. I had just flown across country, and we were in town to do something that was weighing on my mind, and I just didn't want to get into a fight with somebody who clearly had an ax to grind with absolutely anybody.

And I'm not going to change this person anyway. And so what I do in those moments when I That start seeing that muddy dog shake or that high ponytail start flapping her mouth and being rude is number one, I take a deep breath. That's it. I just take a deep breath. And there's a breath technique that you can use called 4, 7, 8. I don't remember who came up with this. I'm sure some will put it in the show notes, but you breathe in for four seconds Hold it for seven. Then out for eight. And I read somewhere that the eight part is the most important, because when you breathe out for longer than you breathed in, it sends a signal to your nervous system that it's okay to relax. And the 4, 7, 8 breathing technique will start the relaxation response in your body. And so if you get that all-cap text from a friend, or you get that really rude email from a colleague, or you're standing somewhere in public and some jerk is violating the person, and you just don't have the energy to go, Hey, you don't have to be rude about it.

Do the four 4, 7, 8 breathing technique to signal the relaxation response in your body to protect your energy. I have a second tactic that I love. Oh my gosh. I I love this. Here's the visual. I use this all the time. In fact, I just used this in a different situation last night. I call it the snow globe. So have you ever had a snow globe as a kid? It's that glass ball, and in it, they have these typically around the holidays, or if you go to a museum or a gift store at a theme park, they tend to sell them there. I don't know why, but it's this glass ball, and in it is usually some scene. Imagine a holiday tree, some reindeers, something like that comes to mind. Or you could think about the palace. What's that? Sindarella's Palace at Disney. They probably have snow globes with Sindarella's Palace at Disney, right? What happens when you pick up a snow globe and you shake it? All of that crap in it starts flying around. You know what that crap is? It's like that wet dog mud. Think about a snow globe the next time you are around anybody who gives you attitude.

Because when you picture the person like the chick with the high ponytail trapped in her own little snow globe. And there she is, bitching and barking about something and spewing her negative energy everywhere. But if you think and picture her having her tantrum in a snow globe, Let me out of here. And all of that sparkly stuff is what gets shaken up and all the negative energy. If you visualize her inside the snow globe, you can laugh at her, and it doesn't get on you. So I use this even like a couple of days ago. I was at a coffee shop, and again, at another airport, and we were standing in line and we ordered coffee, and they were super, super busy, and it was taking a long time. I looked at the watch. We had 20 minutes before the flight was going to leave, and Chris was getting testy with me because he's the person, my husband, that we have the opposite travel languages. So I have my travel language is be the last person on the plane. Get to the gate as late as possible without missing the plane. Spend as little time in the airport as possible.

Chris, on the other hand, he basically likes to stroll through an airport. He likes to sit at the gate for a while and get comfortable and read his book and enjoy his coffee. He loves getting there early. And so we have the exact opposite travel language. He has agreed to stand in this long line with me to get a cup of coffee. He's starting to get agitated, not quite snow globe agitated, But you can tell he's getting nervous, and his coffee comes out. And so I said, Why don't you take it and go and hold the plane for me? I'll be right there. So he leaves, and now it's taking a minute and another minute and another minute. And I start to realize, Holy cow, I'm going to miss this plane. I start to realize, Holy cow, I actually need to leave. And so I go to the counter and I say to the woman who's... They are really busy. I mean, you can tell she's stressed. And I'm not like the lady with the ponytail. I just lean forward and say, Hey, is the drink for Mel about to be done? Because otherwise, I'm going to just have to say, give it to somebody.

And she, like she had a tantrum. I'm doing the best of my hand. She erupted. See, when somebody throws a tantrum, here's what I know. What I know is they're having trouble tolerating all the negative emotion that they're feeling. This woman behind the counter is feeling a ton of pressure. She's behind. She's frustrated. I'm sure other people have been rude to her. And my question to her, it was the straw that broke the camel's back. She just couldn't handle the negativity and the stress anymore in her body. And so she had a tantrum. She exploded at me. Whatever. She's allowed to have a tantrum. It's a stressful job. I get it. And because I can picture her inside her own little snow globe, having her own little tantrum, all the sparkly stuff flying all around her, that's her negative energy. It stays inside the snow globe. I I said, no problem. Totally understand. And I left and went to my plane. And you know what? I didn't let it bother me. And that's the beauty of these strategies. See, there are always going to be people and situations in life that are triggering. The world is full of jerks and people who cannot tolerate their own emotional experience.

And when you do the 4, 7, 8 breath to trigger a relaxation response inside yourself, you take control. When you visualize Realize whomever it is, whether it's the colleagues sitting behind their desk and they're stomping on their keyboard, having their own little tantrum in their little cubicle, inside their little snow globe, you protect yourself. And that way, these emotional vampires that are out there in the world in these emotional, vampire-type situations that drain you and your energy, they don't impact you. And this is so important because when When you look at the research around human connection, our brains are programmed to connect with other human beings. That's how we're wired. It's part of our biology, our physiology. In fact, we seek out connection. We want meaningful bonds, because when we do that, it not only feels good, but your brain releases oxytocin, which is a wonderful feel-good chemical in your brain. It rewards that thing. If we feel disconnected, we feel unsafe. And in fact, if we're around somebody else who's stressful or weird or hostile, like the chick with the ponytail, do you know what happens? Your brain releases yet another chemical. This one's called cortisol.

And cortisol is the stress hormone. And so you immediately not only sense that something's off with this person, but you also have this chemical physiological response. I think that's why we often label people's behavior as toxic or icky or gross, because it feels that way to you, just like a dog that is shaking and gets their mud all over you. I think we know, common sense-wise, that people's moods and energy are contagious. But there's a new study by scientists at Oxford and Birmingham University that show that bad moods, they're not only contagious, they're more infectious than good moods. And on top of all of this, your brain has something called mirror neurons. Mirror neurons are amazing because what they do is in nanoseconds, they can process and register any human beings' facial expression, body language, tone of voice. It's absolutely unbelievable. And what ends up happening is your mirror neurons make you start to mirror the same emotions as the people around you. This is why when you're When you're watching a movie and that sappy music comes on or somebody in the movie starts to cry, your mirror neurons are what are triggering you to start welling up, too.

And they also work for the positive. If you look at somebody eye to eye, and you hold eye contact, and you flash a huge toothy smile, it takes less than five seconds for the mirror neurons and the person who you are looking at smiling at, to kick in. And that person will not be able to help themselves but smile back. And this is important for you to know because it works both for the good, you can catch really good energy, and when it comes to bad energy, That's easier to catch. And that brings me to the four things, like the how. How do you not give a shit? And these are just four random things that I just tried to distill down because I want to give you a takeaway. This shows you a little behind the scenes. It allows me to show you more of my personality and have a fun way of having you meet Cameron, one of our producers, and Jessie, who runs video and production here for the podcast, and Christine, our CEO and CFO, who did not want to be on camera. I'm proud of just like, fuck it. I don't give a shit.

I'm just going to jump on, even though this is out of my comfort zone. And Amy, who's one of our senior team members and producers here. But I'm like, I got to figure out what's something you guys can grab onto. Okay, so the first one is rule number one for how to stop giving a shit about things that don't matter. Rule number one, try giving a shit about everything and see how it feels. I'm dead serious about this. I know it sounds stupid, but why not worry about what shoes you're wearing? Worry about what everybody's thinking. Worry about what your boss is doing. Worry about what's going to happen next week. And then stop and ask yourself, is that working for you? Does it really work for you to lie in bed at night and worry about what your friends are doing? Does it really work for you to scroll through social media and worry about the weight you've gained or worried about this? Does it really work for you to obsess about what outfit you're going to put on seven different times before you leave the house? Does it really work for you to worry about the fact that your makeup is running and you just...

Drop the mask. That's the point of this. Because if worrying about everything and giving a shit about all this stupid stuff actually worked, you'd be happier. You'd feel more secure. You'd have more time because it would work, but it doesn't work. It is so liberating when you realize that, my God, I'm robbing my own energy and my own focus and my own focus, in my own confidence, by worrying about so much shit that doesn't matter. Stop it. Stop it. And if you can't stop it, I would just goose it, man. I would step on the accelerator, and I would worry about every damn thing and then ask yourself, Is this really helping me? Because because it doesn't help you to put your hand on a hot stove. That's why you don't do it every day. That's rule number one. Rule number two. This goes back to the stuff we talked about with CNN and zooming out and visualizing who actually is criticizing people online. I mean, come on now. Let's sow some empathy. Rule number two for me that has helped me really stop obsessing about what other people are thinking or other people's reactions is I've come to believe that almost everybody you meet is at about the emotional maturity of somewhere between 8 and 12.

I think that's where most people get stuck. Most people's disappointment is an eight-year-old throwing a tantrum. Most people being mad at you is about as long as an 11-year-old is mad at you. We conflate adults with adult maturity when it comes to their emotional reactions, and 99% of the population does not have it. If you can imagine your boss as an eight-year-old, like I think I thought the guy that we were meeting with at Audible. Great guy. I freaking love him. I hope we do a ton of business together. But I think about him as a cool kid who's playing games and video games and super innovative and super smart. It allows me to just relate to him on that human level instead of trying to do that gamesmanship and bad boss, and I'm going to get the deal done. No. Think about everybody as between the emotional maturity of 8 to 12, and you'll worry a lot less about how they react. Rule number three is incredibly important, and I want to thank my team for helping me distill this down, because I think this is super, super, super important. Rule number three is when it comes When it comes to not giving a shit, there is a time and a place for it.

I'm going to take this even further. There is a time for really important standards and being rigid about following them, and a time to amplify your self-expression. I'm going to give you a tool in just a minute for how you can really use this. In fact, no, I'm going to give you the tool now because I think it'll make more sense. Think about a seesaw, that teeter totter thing. It's a balance. And so in certain environments, maybe when you go home, home still feels like the same operating procedures as when you were eight years old. And so maybe you've been really putting more weight on the side of the way things have always been, and you've really not been giving a shit about your self-expression. The opportunity here is to see where in your life you have stopped being you. You have started giving a shit about things that don't align with your value, that suffocate you, that make you feel like you can't be you. That is not a place that you should be. Those are not relationships you should be in. But you got to think about this like a seesaw. Where in your life are things out of balance, and you're starting to give a shit and put it weight into things that no longer align with you?

And where can you bring things more into balance so that you can be yourself, you can be self express, and you can do so without offending people around you, without you violating corporate HR policies? We were talking a lot about open-toed shoes, and If I were walking into J. P. Morgan to close a massive e-learning, corporate training deal, I probably would not have worn my Valentino Espadrilles despite how much they cost. I probably would have worn something else, or at least I would have gotten a fucking manicure. Okay? Why? Because there is a time and a place to be Cavalier. Your job is a place to pay attention to standards. Why? Because they're paying you to do something. A job, I hope it's fun. I hope you're part of a culture, and you have a sense of belonging, and you feel appreciated. But the bottom line is, you're there because you're getting paid to do something, which means you should care more about the standards, and the culture, and the operating procedures than you might in your day-to-day life. Why? Because you are making an exchange for money. But I have one It's a giant caveat when it comes to talking about standards in the workplace, and I want to take this opportunity to have a conversation with you about it because it is incredibly important.

It is very real. It's very real in work. It's very real in life in general, and it impacts people's ability to be fully, authentically, their truest selves. See, there are a lot of standards, especially in the workplace, where discrimination and bias is very real, and it impacts people's ability to be themselves. Themselves. And as a white woman, I have the privilege of never having to deal with that. I'll give you an example. So I have a bunch of black female friends who do not feel comfortable wearing their natural hair at work. And it's not just anecdotal. There is incredible research documenting this. So a recent study from Michigan State, for example, confirms that 80% of black women feel that they need to switch their hairstyle in order to align with more conservative work standards. And a recent study from Duke has proven that black women with natural hairstyles, like an Afro, or twists, or braids, less likely to land a job interview than a White woman like me or a Black woman with straightened hair. I mean, that just makes me want to cry. Here I I'm talking about open-toed shoes, and black women have to worry about their hair and being who they are.

That is so shitty. That's why I wanted to take an opportunity and why I think it's so important to call out this type of bias. And that's why I'm doing it right now. So I want to acknowledge that whether it's your gender identity or your religion, or your race, or your sexual orientation, or a disability that you have, I want to acknowledge that how you manage this balance that I'm talking about between self-expression and being your authentic full self and the very real bias and discrimination that exist in social and workplace norms, that is a deeply personal decision and balancing act that you got to make every single day. It's easy for me to say, Hey, hiding who you are is never okay, because it's true. I don't want you to ever hide who you are. But I just felt it was important that I acknowledge that it's easy to say, but it's not that easy to do. Let me layer that into this the rule number three that we're talking about, which is there's a time and a place for self-expression. It is up to you to decide what you value most in any situation.

When you think about that seesaw between standards and societal or workplace race norms, versus your self-expression and you being you. But here's what I do know. I hope that you find the courage to choose your values and to choose being yourself as often as you can. And that brings me to the fourth rule. The fourth rule for how to learn how to give a shit about what matters and not care about what doesn't. The fourth rule is, you go first. You go first. Every single human being that you encounter is trapped in some rule they think they should be following. Everybody. And the rule, if you want to start giving a shit about what really matters, is you go first. You be the one that shows up with Esther Dels. You be the one that says, I'll pull on that space suit and climb into that thing. You be the one that brings the fun. And what I've found over and over and over again, and I think, Christine, you'll be able to say, Yep, it's true, is that by being willing to put the real me, especially the hideous me, the moments where I'm crying, the moments The moments where my makeup is running, the moments where the dog has just barfed all over something, the moments where I've just left a gym class, where I've pulled a calf muscle, and I'm still panting, and my eyes are bloodshot, and my face is beet-red, and I literally look at myself in the selfie and I say, How does Christopher Robbins wake up next to this every single morning with a smile on his face?

Because you, woman, are ugly. And then I hit play. My willingness to do that My willingness to go first, to drop the mask, the filter, to just put it out there. It's liberating for people. I mean, people come up to me more often when I look like shit, and I say, Yeah, I'm happy to take a selfie. They're like, really? Like, shocked that I would want to actually take a selfie looking like that. And then somebody perfectly made up, like, well, let me fix my hair. I'm like, are you kidding? Look at me. I look like a labradoodle that just ran a marathon. I mean, Give me a break. Get the selfie up here. Let's go. I'm going to make a kissy face because my jaw is frozen, and it makes it look like I'm taking a shit when I try to smile. But what do you see, Christine, in the you go first? In the you go first? Yeah, absolutely. I think it's something that really connects with people when they meet you of just feeling like they're running into a friend that they have seen from afar. I think that there's something very special about that, and it's a true connection.

And then something I would just add as somebody who's known you for a long time, 18 years at this point, of you have always been exactly the same person. And so it's weird that when we run into people and people are super excited to see you just because I've known you for so long, but that it's a sincere connection for sure. And the other thing I would say is that I've never known you to make a negative comment about anyone else's appearance, how anyone else is dressed. I don't think that's something that you process or connected to. And I think it's because you read yourself of those constraints. I don't even know that it's something that you notice. And I think that's quite admirable. And I think that's also something to share of once you stop caring about those things, you'll stop paying attention to them and other people, too. And it makes it better for everyone. That's a huge, profound point because I've heard other people, Christine, make this point where they go, When other people judge you, it's about them. It's not about you. But I think you just illustrated why. Because I don't ever critically judge what anybody else looks like or what they're wearing because you're right, I don't judge myself for what I'm wearing.

I can laugh at myself. I have humanity and humor about it, but I'm not actually very critical of I think if you can eradicate that in yourself, it's true. You don't actually criticize other people. It does begin with how you treat yourself, and this also then reinforces what I'm saying about empathy. All those people that you're trying to be friends with that are competitive, or they're the high-end group, or they're the fancy people, and you feel that criticism, they're deeply critical of themselves. And that's the circle that you're chasing. You got to get right with you. And it's an interesting topic, how to not give a shit about stuff, Because it sounds like a throwaway topic, but I think at the core of a great life, it's really one of the most important skills that you can actually learn, because what you're doing is you're really giving a shit about your values, and you're putting your attention and your mindset and your effort toward what you value, and you're spending less and less time and energy on things that you don't. I love that famous Nipsey Hustle quote. If you look at the people in your circle and you don't get inspired, then you don't have a circle, you have a cage.

I'm going to add to that quote. If you look at the people in your circle and you can't be yourself, then you don't have a circle. You are in a cage. And you got to be very careful about this, because here's what I've realized over and over and over again in my own life. It's that my own behavior and my insecurities are almost always what put me and keep me in that cage. And that brings me to a final story I want to share with you from last week. It's a story about our daughter, Kendall, and how insecurities can put you in a cage. If you follow me on social media, you're probably aware that our daughter graduated from USC last week, and she was given the honor of singing the National Anthem at the 140th Commencement Ceremonies for the University of Southern California. We were there. It was an unbelievable moment to watch our daughter sing the National Anthem acapella in front of 20,000 fellow graduates and their families. So we're talking at least 50,000 people there as she was singing. And one of the coolest things is as she was singing the National Anthem, and as the song starts to build, you hear the crowd getting louder and louder.

And you can also hear her just coming into the fullest, most authentic version of who she is. Just take a listen to this moment. Oh, say, can you see by the dawn's early light? What so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last cool, whose broad stripes and bright stars through the perilous fire, and the ramparts we watched were so gallantly streamed. And the rockets red galère, the bombs bursting in air, gave proof through the night, that our flight was still there. Oh, say, does that star-spangled banner yet wear? Oh, the land of the free and the home of the rain. That moment will probably be one of those moments that flashes before my eyes on my deathbed, like a your memory. But that's not the point of the story. The point of the story is this. 24 hours after that moment, I asked her, So, Ken, what was the most surprising thing that's happened since you sang the national anthem yesterday? And she said this, I didn't realize that 99% of my friends have never heard me sing. I'm like, What? She said, Yeah. She said, Hearing me sing at graduation was the first time in four years of knowing me that they had ever heard my voice.

Now, keep in mind, she is a A popular music major. For four years, she has been performing in college. And just stop and consider that 99% of her friends over the past four years have never heard her sing. Why? Because of her insecurities. See, she gave a shit about what people would think about her singing. And if you look at her social media, for the last four years, there was only one post on her Instagram account, and that one post was of her singing. But that's it. Now, this is her deepest passion. Her standing, the four people, and singing and sharing herself. This is the truest form of her self-expression. And yet she put herself in a cage because of her insecurities. That's so sad. And I know you're doing it, too. That in some area of your life, you are so concerned about what other people might think that you're not sharing your full self. That's what it means to put yourself in a cage. Now, here's the good news. The door to that cage, it's wide open, and it always has been. I hope this episode has inspired you to open your wings and express yourself, your your full self.

Because when you drop those insecurities, and you stop caring so much about it, and you allow yourself to just be you, you, my friend, will set yourself free. So let's now jump into how. How do I use this energy exchange and my intuition to spot the things that are draining me dry and to let them go, push them off the branches, get them out of my life, thank them for their purpose and their service. But then get out of here because you need to make room for something new and better and energizing. Doesn't that sound good? Yeah, you better believe it sounds good. So let's do it. And one of the reasons why I want you to really focus on energy is because your energy doesn't lie. Just for a second with me, just take a second. Whether you're out there walking the dog, or you're driving around in your car, or you're working from home, or you're busy doing a bunch of stuff, I want you to just stop for a second. And I want you to assess right now. What's your energy level? Think about a fuel gage in a car. Empty to full.

Empty in a human being means you feel depleted, you feel burnt out, you feel checked out, you feel like your whole life is basically pouring energy into everything else. Full in a human being basically means that you're energized, you're excited, you feel like the things that you're pouring yourself into, your habits, your routine, the people you're surrounded with, the projects you're working on, it It may be difficult, but it's bringing energy back into your life, too. Your energy never lies. We are energetic human beings, and I know that sounds woo- woo. We can get into the neuroscience on that on a totally different episode, but let me prove it to you. Have Have you ever walked into, say, a coffee shop, and the person that is behind the counter is having the world's worst day. They are super grumpy. It doesn't matter how big your smile is. It doesn't matter how nice you are. They are like, That energy actually impacts you, just like your positive energy can impact somebody else. Energy is contagious, and most Most importantly, when you hang out with your friend Mel Robbins, I'm going to teach you to start to pay attention to it, and I'm going to teach you to trust it.

Because energy is also tied to intuition. And we're going to get into this tool of how do you assess, is something giving me positive energy? Is something giving me negative energy? Is this a relationship that is one way, or is this something that gives me something in return? That is the tool we're going to talk about today. And what if the very next morning, you walk into the coffee shop and you're having a bad day? Like one of your pets is really sick and it just is really bumming you out and you're feeling really low. And the person behind the counter is just the nicest person on the planet, and they look you in the eyes, and they give you a big smile, and they are really cheery, and they compliment you, and they maybe even ask you, Hey, how are you doing? You're like, I'm not doing so great. Oh, I'm really sorry. Coffee's on me. How do you feel? You feel better because they poured their positive energy into you, and that lifted you up. Energy is contagious. It also always tells the truth. It's like a compass. In fact, a compass runs on magnetic energy.

That's why a compass always points true north. It never lies. Your energy doesn't lie either. It's why you feel off around certain people. It's why if somebody texts you and you don't like them, you're like, But if you like the person, you're like, Oh, yeah, cool. Energy never lies. So let's talk about how we're going to use it, okay? So I'm going to break the topic of letting go into two different types of situations. And in each one, I'm going to explain how to use energy and paying attention to the energy inside you, both that you're giving, that you're feeling, and that you're receiving back in order to know when it's time to let go. So situation Situation number one is super easy, and this is typically when it has to do with things or projects or a job or somebody who's really, really engaging in toxic behavior. This is the easy stuff. This is when you have a flood of negativity around something. I'm going to give you a bunch of examples of this. We all have a pair of pants that we're holding on to from high school or before we were pregnant or whenever that we can't freaking fit into.

When you stare at those things, you're reminded that you can't fit in them. When you try to wiggle them on, especially after a shower, you feel terrible about yourself. That is something that is an example. You need to let go of that. That job that you walk into where there is a pit in your stomach and you gripe about it to your friends and you spend all this energy pouring into why you hate it and resist it. You need to find another job. That friend that does nothing but gossip and roll their eyes and drag you down and literally is such a bad influence on you, you need to let them go. And what does that mean? Well, that depends on you. Donate the pants for sure. Start redirecting your energy from complaining about your job to directing energy to looking for a new one. I mean, just imagine. That What's the other thing about this. Do you know how much energy and time and effort you waste, focusing on resistance and complaining? If you were to just stop complaining for a day about something that gives you negative energy, like your job, or your parents, or your boyfriend, or your girlfriend, or your roommates, what if you stopped complaining?

Because that's negative energy pouring out, and you directed that same effort toward something positive, like fixing it or letting it go and creating something new that makes you feel good. I relate to that because I think I've spent a lot of my life pouring negative energy at things that I didn't really like. Instead of realizing, I needed to complete this. I needed to let this go. The roommate served a purpose two years ago. Not a fit right now, and that's okay. Time to kick the leaves off the branches. You know what I'm saying? Time I want to save myself instead of pouring everything into either another person or my energy into being upset and frustrated and disappointed. So when you have things that are for sure 100% zapping your energy, or you find yourself complaining, griping, resisting, let go. And you can do that in two ways. Obviously, donate, throw out, delete is one. The The other one is take all that negative resistance that you feel in you that churns and pour it into something positive. If you can't quit your job, for example, because you need to pay the bills, no problem. Instead of complaining, instead of feeling resistance, spend 30 minutes every morning before you go to work looking for a new one.

Or spend 30 minutes every morning pouring positive energy into a hobby or a project or a side hustle that brings you positive energy. And when you start to do that, you start to lift yourself up because you are now getting this reciprocal exchange by pouring energy and attention into something new and something positive. And that's going to lift you up. And by the way, that will also change your experience of that current job that you hate. I know this because I've done it. I remember being right out of, let's see, how old was I? I was 30 years old. I was pregnant with our daughter, who's now 23. And We had moved to Boston from New York City, where I had been a public defender, and I love that job working for legal aid. We moved to Boston. I do not have a license to practice in Massachusetts, so I could not work for the public defender's office. I have to take the bar, but I've got bills to pay, so I get a job in this huge law firm. Working in a law firm is the exact opposite of being a public defender. When I worked in New York City for legal aid, I was in court five days a week from 8:00 in the morning till 5:00 in the afternoon.

That That was my job. I was on my feet. I was negotiating plea deals. I was talking to witnesses and police officers and judges and going to clients, going to Rikers, all of it. When you get a job in a large law firm, you literally go into a high rise and sit in an office and write all day. It was the exact opposite of what I am wired to do. I knew the moment I got that job that I was going to hate it. For a year, I would get on the commuter rail, and I would commute in for 45 minutes, and then I would get off the commuter rail, and I would clomp, clomp, clomp, clomp over to the building, and then I would get in the elevator, and then I would take the elevator up to whatever the 23rd floor, and then I'd clomp, clomp, clomp, clomp. I'd go into my office and shut the door. And from the moment I woke up every morning, I felt depleted. The closer I got to that office as that train, clunk, clunk, clunk, down the tracks towards Boston, the more resistance I felt. I got nothing in return from that job.

Yes, I got a paycheck, and I needed it, so it served a purpose, but I was getting nothing of value back. Because when I looked at the partners in the law firm, I knew damn well that's not the life I wanted. I knew that this was not a fit for me. But I'll tell you, I made the mistake that everybody makes. Instead of recognizing recognizing that that's how I felt. Instead of channeling all of that angst and resistance and into looking for something else, I sat there miserable, and I felt depleted, and I felt awful. I'm going to confess this to you. I didn't even take the advice then. You know what happened to me? I got pregnant, and I had a baby, and I went on maternity leave. And when I was on maternity leave, that's when, with distance from it, I was like, Okay, there is no way I'm going back there. No way. Now that I have escaped, there is no way I'm going back. And we've all had Xs like that, right? Where you're in it for so long, you finally let it go and break off. And they're like, What the hell was I thinking now that I'm on the other side and I'm away from that energy suck?

I don't want to go back to the energy sucker vampire thing. What the hell? But when you're in it, that negativity vortex can keep you spinning and stuck. You convince yourself, But I need the money, but I can't do this. Then you're so depleted from your complaining and the outpouring of energy and the wrong thing that you're just stuck, stuck. That was me. So I get pregnant, I go on maternity leave. Holy cow, I am free from the vortex of negativity. I've been let go, but now I got to go back. And so my husband Chris says to me, Look, I know you don't want to go back, but here's the problem, Mel. We have a mortgage, and we have a baby, and you will go crazy being home. And so here's the thing. You need to find a job. Your maternity leave ends in exactly three months. So that means you have twelve weeks to find a job, and you have to make $60,000 a year. That's it. And you know what's interesting? If you give a human being a problem to solve, we get pretty creative. And I'll tell you what, the night before my maternity leave, I not only landed a job, it wasn't for 60 grand, it was for 55.

But that was enough. And I walked in the next day and I let go. What do you say? I guess I quit, but they didn't let me go. I quit. But so what I'm trying to say is do not make the mistake that 30-year-old Mel Robbins made. Do not do that to yourself. Do not waste a year of your life spinning in that negativity energy vortex. Your body knows. Your spirit knows. Get rid of those pants. Push that project to the side that you don't feel inspired to work on anymore. Let it go because it is sucking your vitality dry. And I want to just remind you that we're talking about reciprocal energy exchange. That's why these situations of the pants that don't fit and the friend that's engaging in toxic behavior, or the job that sucks your soul dry. There is nothing that you're getting in return. Nothing. In fact, what you're getting in return is more negativity. Those jeans in your closet make you feel bad about yourself. It's bringing you negative energy. That job that you're complaining about, that you go to day to day, convincing yourself you can't leave, you can't find some.

It's bringing negative energy into your life. And so these situations are super easy to spot because there's no reciprocal value to the relationship, or the pants, or the project, period. Now what I want to talk about is the more complicated situations. Those situations where it's not clear, where you feel guilty, where maybe you're taking care of an agent parent or a child that's struggling with mental health stuff, and it is depleting as hell. Or maybe you are really struggling with friendship or in relationships because you have old patterns of behavior that you don't realize or interfering with this free-flowing, reciprocal, give-and-take that really brings amazing things into your life. Hey, it's Mel. Thank you so much for checking this video out. And if you like this one, I have a feeling you're going to like this one, too. I'll see you there.