I have the greatest story to tell you, and I don't know how to say this without sounding like it's a big flex. So here goes. I'll just say it. Our daughter, Kendall, was invited to sing at Carnegie freaking Hall in New York City. And that's the beginning of this crazy story that I want to tell you that involves so many cool, hilarious things. So I'm sure you're thinking, Well, how did this all start? What story? What happened in New York City? So here's what happened. Well, our My daughter, Kendall, is 23 years old. She's a singer-songwriter, and she lives out in Los Angeles. And earlier this year, she released her very first single on Spotify. And I got to say, you showed up. I mean, this podcast family, you are the best. Thank you, thank you, thank you for listening to Kendall's single, Pastime, for sharing it with your friends. You helped that song take off, and it's been exhilarating to watch it happen because she's been working really hard, and it feels like now her career has officially begun, and it's It's so thrilling because it seems like she's got a lot of momentum.

Because of the success of the song, all kinds of cool things started to happen. People in the music industry are reaching out to her. And so as I've been watching all this go down over the last couple of weeks from the East Coast, I'm like, Oh, my gosh. She is riding the wave. She is also back in the studio working on some new songs because it's not just one thing that you do that's going to make you successful. You got to keep on doing the reps. And so I'm over here on the East Coast while she's on the West Coast, I'm like, Yeah, go, go, go. And then all of a sudden, she gets an email, Check this out, inviting her to come to New York City and perform her new single, Pastime at Carnegie Hall. Holy freaking cow. Oh, my God. Can you believe this? And you're probably thinking, How the heck did she get invited to sing at Carnegie Hall? Well, that's a great question. See, a year ago, she met a bunch of incredible musicians at the Newport Folk Festival, and she kept in touch with them. One of them reached out and invited her to join them at this incredible concert called the Piano Recital at Carnegie Hall.

It happens once a year. It's produced by Ramey Egan. If you hadn't heard about it, no big deal. The Piano Recycle is a bunch of renowned musicians, like the biggest name there, Mandy Moore. Side note, Kendall grew up listening to Mandy Moore. She calls Mandy Moore her musical Mom, because she had Mandy Moore's album, Wild Hope, on repeat. I mean, played that sucker into the ground. So at the piano recital at Carnegie Hall, all these renowned musicians show up. They perform two of their original songs. But get this, The only instrument that accompanies them is a piano. Hence, it's called the piano recital. It's a super cool, intimate, stripped-down thing. And so when Kendall told me, my first reaction was like, Oh, my God. What? Portal is open. Universe is conspiring. Holy smokies. I cannot believe it. And the second that she called me, I mean, you can already guess what I was like. I was all over it. I was so excited for her. I was ready to book her a plane ticket. To invite our friends and our family and make dinner reservations. I started to change all of my work commitments so that I could drive down and obviously be in New York when our daughter steps on stage at Carnegie Hall, right?

Because obviously, she was going to jump in and do it. And this was happening in seven days from the email invitation. This was game on. We are in the starting gates. Let's freaking go. And so, of course, I'm like, Yeah, she's going to reply immediately with a, Yes, thank you. Because these were all of her friends and musicians that she had met the summer before, and they were asking her to do this event. And in fact, one of them in particular, his name is Phil Cooke. I'll talk about him a bit in this story. He's been like a mentor and a friend to her, had already greased the wheels because she had said, Hey, look, dude, I've already arranged pastime for you on the piano. We're good to go. I'll send the arrangement to you. I'll accompany you on stage. It's going to be awesome. So the second she told me about the invitation, I'm like, Game freaking on. Let's freaking go. That was not her reaction. Her reaction was not, Let's go. It was, Oh, hell no. And she let that invitation of a lifetime sit there unanswered for 24 hours. What? What? I I was speechless.

I couldn't even understand how anyone could stop and think about an opportunity like that. I mean, you're a singer songwriter, you get this invitation like your friend is. Why wouldn't you just say, Oh, hell, yes. Oh, my God. Thank you. I'm on it. Let's freaking go. Mom, book the plane tickets. Get some reservations. Call our friends and family. And I want to slow down this part of the story and truly unpack this moment with you. Because it's a moment that you've experienced before. So I'm really going to describe it so you can see it. It's a moment where someone in your life isn't reacting the way you thought they should to what you think is good news. It's a moment where someone in your life isn't jumping all All over something that you see as this incredible opportunity. I know you've been there with someone that you love in this moment, and maybe it's happening in your life right now. Someone in your life, they're looking for a new job, And you just met the perfect person for them to network with. And so you give the contact information and the email and the phone number to this person that you love, and they do nothing.

Or someone in your life wants to get in shape, and you've You ask them, Oh, my gosh, you're so excited. You're like, Let's do this 30-day challenge together. So you text them and say, Here's the start date for the challenge. Maybe you've sent them this awesome personal trainer that you love, that you stream classes from, or you told them about the CrossFit box that is in your community that people love. And they do nothing. Or the person in your life says that they want to cut back on their drinking. And yet there they are at dinner. I think I'll have a bourbon Manhattan. Or maybe the person that you love has said, Oh, I really want to go back to school. I want to apply to nursing school. And you forwarded them this email about this really cool program that you saw, and you can't understand why they haven't acknowledged it? Why haven't they done it? Why is this person that you care about, that you see all this potential, and why are they not moving on this opportunity? And the more time that passes, have you noticed? You're now in the deep end, emotionally, because you start to get frustrated, and you have all these opinions about what they should do, and the opportunity to just grab life by the horns and try out for that travel team or apply to that programmer, do that thing.

It's right there. And they do nothing. When are they going to do something about this? Isn't this what they wanted? Let's really play this moment out. Someone you love turns to you and says to you, You know, it's time. I need to find a new job. And that declaration, I need to find a new job. It opens up this window of time. And a day goes by, and then a week goes by, And then a month goes by. And then there they are, standing in their boxers eating a waffle at 9:45 on a Wednesday morning. And you're thinking, When are you going to get going on this? I mean, why do I care about this more than you? Why are you eating a waffle on a Wednesday morning when you could be looking for a job? And your anger is rising, and you're getting judgy, and you're biting your tongue, and you're angrily washing the dishes. You've done that before, right? Where you're trying to signal to somebody that you're mad that they haven't done something in a month. It's the worst. And for 24 hours, that was the moment with me and our daughter.

This opportunity was there, and I could feel The judgment and anger rising of me. Why are you not replying yes to this email? And with every hour that goes by, I'm getting mad, and I'm trying not to send a text. Those text where you're like, Just reply this. Come on, just jump in. You're like, Stop. Because I'm thinking over here, you got to be kidding me. And it begs the question, why am I getting mad? I'll tell you why I'm getting mad. It's the same reason why you get mad at the people that you love. Because you see the potential, you see the possibility, you believe in them, you know how great they are. And it's a bummer when somebody that you love is not rising to the occasion with the same confidence in themselves that you have for them. And so I bite my lip, and I did a really good job You would pat your friend, Mel Robbins on the back because for 24 hours, I didn't say anything. And then I couldn't stand it anymore. I couldn't stand it anymore. And now I'm starting to get text from her friend Phil like, Hey, I can't wait to see you.

And I'm like, She hasn't even responded yet. And so I called her and I said, Are you going to respond to this? She exploded at me, just like your husband would explode at you as he's standing there in his boxers eating a waffle on a Wednesday morning. And you're like, Are you going to send out that resume? He would explode at you because everybody hates being called out. And you're not even calling them out directly. What everybody hates is being reminded that you're bigger than your fears. What everyone hates is being reminded that you're avoiding something that you know you want to do. And my daughter, no different than anyone else. And you know what she said? She's like, Stop pressuring me. I think you want this more than I want this. I think you dream of me being a successful singer because you want this for me. I think this is about you. You're arguing with the wrong person. I was like, Whoa, wait a minute. I am living my dream already. I thought this was your dream to be a singer-songwriter performing your songs on some of the biggest stages in the world.

And then she said, Well, the problem, mom, is you just assumed I would say yes. And I'm like, Of course I did. And then I said the two most important words, I'm confused. I'm confused. Please explain to me how it is that you've always wanted to be a singer-songwriter. You do all of this work to get into the number one program in the world for this, the popular music major at USC. You do all of this work to write You can record and release your own single, Pastime, as an independent artist. You have all of this incredible momentum. You are doing all of the work. You get an invitation from people who you love, who are here to support you and help you, and even arrange the piano part of it so you can sing your new song at Carnegie Hall. I'm confused. How is this not a yes? She had a very compelling answer. It wasn't a yes because she was afraid. Intellectually, it makes no sense, right? Emotionally, it makes all the sense in the world. That's the disconnect. Intellectually, you see somebody's potential. But the person that you love isn't living intellectually.

They're living in their emotions. And she felt unworthy of the opportunity. She wasn't sure she was ready. It wasn't lack of desire that was in her way. It was fear and the paralysis that it creates. And then she started to explain all the stuff that was going on in her mind and in her emotions. I don't deserve this. What are my friends who have been working so hard on their music career is going to think? Why did this happen for me? What if I screw this up? I don't think I'm ready for this. This is happening too fast. And this was an enormous takeaway for me and for you about relationships, because you and I easily see the potential in people that we love, and we forget that the people that we love are so overwhelmed by their fears and insecurities. We're the same way. People that love us see our potential. There are plenty of things that you know you should and could be doing, but you're not. And just like you're frustrated with the people that you love, standing there in his boxers with the Waffle, not sending out the resumes. There are things that you have said that you've wanted in your life that You're not working on either.

And that's why when you love someone, and they've declared their goals or their dreams, or their desires, or their wants to you out loud, whether that's getting a new job, or being healthier, or cutting on drinking, or running a marathon, or growing their business, or building a music career. If someone tells you what they want, and they're not doing anything about it, or they don't seize the obvious opportunities in front of them, you have a right to feel confused. And I'm here to remind you and ask you to hold space for what your loved one wants, to be a loud advocate for what they want so that you can help them push through the fear. I want you to remind them of their potential and of the possibility and why it's worth it to push through the emotion and work for it. And this is a very different way of approaching it than pressuring somebody. This is not about telling somebody what to do. I mean, I know from experience, and I'm sure you do, too, that pressuring somebody or telling somebody what to do is the fastest way to get them not to do it, right?

They will do the opposite. So I've already given you a phrase that you can use to help bring clarity without judgment to a situation where someone that you love has declared what they want, but you don't see them doing anything, or you see them backing away from the opportunity. Use the phrase I used, I'm confused. Lead with that phrase. Because when you come from a place In the sense of confusion, you're not attacking someone else. You're basically putting the spotlight on you. I'm confused here. You're gently pointing out that their behavior is not matching what they said they wanted. Here's an example. I heard you say you wanted to find a new job, and I'm confused. Because I don't know what you're doing about it. Do you need some help? Or here's another example. I heard you say that you wanted to lose 40 pounds. And I'm confused because I haven't seen you Are you exercising in the last few weeks. Do you need some support? And then? Let them talk. And here's a piece of advice. When you let them talk after you say, I'm confused. I want you to imagine that they're literally going to throw up on you because you've just poked the beast.

And if fear or insecurity has paralyzed the person you love, the fear and insecurity is going to come out of their mouth first and attack you. So when you go, I'm confused, you're going to hear, I'm so blah, blah, blah, blah, blah excuses, defensiveness, I'm busy. How dare you? And just keep going. Anything else? Yeah. Oh, yeah, you have been busy. Yep. Anything else? Mm-hmm. Anything else? Because what finally will come out is the truth. And the truth is that either they know what they want, but they're scared, or they know what they want, but they don't know how to get started. I mean, that was Kendall's response. She was drowning in insecurity, imposter syndrome, and fear. And when somebody If somebody is in the deep end emotionally, you need to throw them a lifeline. And here's how you do it. And this is life lesson number one from this random evening that I spent in New York City. Four words. It's not that deep. It's not that deep. Because somebody deep in their emotions needs to be yanked out of the emotions. And so I want you to use those four words. It's not that deep.

See, when Kendall started talking about her fear, it's Carnegie Hall. Oh, my God. It's New York. It's this. It's in seven days. You can hear how you start to just swirl, right? Kendall, it's not that deep. But Mom, it's Carnegie. I'm still here to say, It's not that deep. It's an auditorium that happens to be on the corner of 57th and sixth in a town called New York City. It's not that deep. In fact, you didn't even know that the piano concert was happening until you got this email. It's not that deep, because no one else knows about it either. And by the way, if you don't post about it on social media or invite any of your friends and family, nobody that you know will be there. It's not that deep. And besides, you've been performing in front of audiences for 15 years. It's not that deep. One of your mentors is performing. It's not that deep. And as I kept saying this phrase, It's not that deep, she laughed. She's like, You're right. I'm letting my emotions get the best of me. It's not that deep. And she wrote them back and said, Yes.

And this is a reminder that every situation in life doesn't need to be so damn serious. Everything that you face doesn't need decades of trauma therapy to get through it. The stakes don't need to be so high all the time, but it is so easy, isn't it, to get yourself all worked up in the emotional personal deep end of your own mind and body? And that's why you need this lesson, number one. It's not that deep. And I have to credit Kendall because she's the one that actually taught me this phrase. It's not that deep, mom. It's not that deep. And now I'm using it back on her, which I love even more. And even hearing myself say those four words, it's not that deep. It gives me the space when I said it to her, it's not that deep, dude. Look, Mel, it's not that deep. If she doesn't want to go to New York this coming week and perform at Carnegie Hall, She doesn't have to do it. It's not that deep. There will be other opportunities. You don't need to worry about this. It's not that deep. It relaxes them. It relaxes you.

It lowers the stakes. It allows rational thinking and support to step in. Because the fact is, if she's not ready, she shouldn't do it. If she doesn't want to do it, she shouldn't do it. And if she decides not to do it, it's not that deep. So it also helped me relax into the idea that this is It's her decision. Let's just get the emotions out of the way. And there's one more thing I want to point out about this first lesson, and why it's not that deep will really help you. No one needs pressure from you. They already feel enough of it. Let's take the example of looking for a new job. That is a stressful experience, even if you're excited to find a new job. If you've been laid off and you're looking for a new job, that's even more stressful. You need the phrase, It's not that deep. So you can lower the stakes and keep your composure and your productivity and your momentum and your clear thinking. And you can use, It's not that deep, to push yourself forward when you start feeling paralyzed, like everything is so high stakes. No, it's not, dude.

It's just a resume. It's not that deep. It's just an interview. It's not that deep. It's just a job offer. It's not that deep. And I can't allow myself to get into the deep end, or I'm going to screw myself over. That's why you got to say, it's not that deep so you keep working towards something and not paralyze yourself. And also so that you can keep your wits about you when things do start to work out so you don't blow up the opportunity by getting too emotional. Same thing is true with dating. Yes, it can be very demoralizing to be out in the dating world and to find yourself asking yourself, Why is everybody I'm meeting such a loser? Why does everybody else have a significant other not me? When is it going to be my turn to love? Why don't you start saying, You know what? It's not that deep. The fact is, you haven't met the person who's good for you yet. That's why you're still single. See? It's not that deep. I have been dying to tell you what happened when I was in New York City a couple of weeks ago.

The elevator doors closed as she's going, Come on, come on, come on, come on, and the elevator goes down. My heart began to sink, and Kendall drops her head and puts her hands over her face. And then she pulls her hands by her side with two fist and lets out this blood-curdling scream.