I'm Nicole Lapin, the only financial expert. You don't need a dictionary to understand. It's time for some money rehab.

Today we're doing another edition of my.

New favorite segment, Funny Money, where I give bizarre headlines from the worlds of money and business to a comedian. And they give me their famously an expert insight on the topic. Today, my guest is the hilarious Ben Glebe. Ben is a comedian.

Duh. You might have seen him on the.

Young Turks or his specials like the Mad King or neurotic gangster.

For these funny money segments, I'm looking for a comedian first and foremost.

Being a money expert is certainly not a prerequisite, but Ben actually has some really sharp, out of the box economic ideas that he put together when he ran for president.

True story. He tells me all about it, plus.

His take on the craziest headlines of the moment.

Ben sleeve, welcome to money rehab.

Thank you very much. I didn't know we started. I'm excited that we started now. Just hop right in.

Tell me about a time you needed money rehab, man.

After my campaign ended, I ran for office, and then the pandemic started right after. So I had an extra year of not having my normal comedy career before.

The whole world shut down and everybody.

Didn'T have their careers.

And so I needed to figure out.

How to make money with stand up.

When all venues were closed around the world. And so I literally closed my eyes for a minute and thought, how could.

I create a comedy club vibe without being in person with people? And I just closed my eyes and I thought, I bet if we used.

A video conferencing platform and let people.

Unmute themselves and keep their cameras on.

Like, manage the sound, we could come.

Pretty close to the experience of being in person at a comedy club. And I brought a partner on Steve Hofstedter.

We're not working together anymore in the.

Company, but we did some really amazing things.

I brought him on to be my.

Coo, and we created it together, and.

We were both building it from the ground up.

But nowhere comedy club was born, and.

We created the world's first virtual comedy venue. We did, like, 700 shows, sold 70,000 tickets, had up and comers all the way to, like, sarah Silverman and Bill.

Burr performing shows with us and really created community and laughter and catharsis at a time when people around the world really needed it.

You just casually said, when I ran for office, some people might think, oh, city council, or you ran for president in 2020.

Oh, yeah, of America.

That's true.

So first of all. What about 2024? We need you.

No comment. I think it's best if we're led.

By people in their late hundreds.

I think that's the best scenario for everybody involved. If people are barely alert and aware, because it kind of keeps us not being shocked out of. Well, that's not true. One of the two running for office is very old and quite alert and, like, too alert.

It's just great comedy fodder, though it is.

The best solution would be if Trump was more cognitively like Biden. He would be neutralized in a good way. And then if Biden was more alert like Trump, if they just did freaky Friday and switched brains, that might be a good solution. You know what I mean? I would not mind if Trump just lost his train of thought a lot during some of his rants. That would be kind of perfect. What we got to do, I don't know if you understand. Here's what we got to do. You know about brown people. I love brown Eminems and I am tired. Can I take a nap? I'm one of the best nappers there is.

Okay.

That would really diffuse a lot of problems.

Is that the answer?

It's a new theory, but I like it.

We need something, so if you want to do some political chemistry, I guess that works out.

Frankenstein it.

Frankenstein it. We talked to a woman who funded her political campaign through OnlyFans.

Interesting.

Yeah.

Did she have great feet?

It was actually on Zoom. I did not see her feet and I did not investigate her only fans. But it was interesting to do a very alternative campaign financing. You have lovely feet inside.

Thank you.

Your shoes and socks. Would you consider that as a way to fund a campaign?

I mean, anything other than our current campaign finance system, I think is legit, even though I do want private money out of campaign financing as soon as possible. So I think any way you do.

It is not ideal, but at least.

That would be trading a service for the donations instead of just begging desperately.

Like our candidates tend to do these days.

If I get one more text message.

From Nancy Pelosi, it says, I need you. I need you now.

Please, Ben, please reply. I'm like, is Nancy trying to hit it? What is happening here? Nancy's into it. It's wild thirsty af.

Nancy, you were really passionate as well about minimizing corporate crime with an idea that I thought was very clever.

What was that?

This erases corporate crime and reforms our prisons all in one. You want to end corporate crime? You combine white collar prisons with blue collar prisons.

So, like, ham cupcake becomes rikers. Yeah, 100% Martha Stewart.

Hard time for Martha, even though she's a buddy. And no offense, Martha, but I would have put you in a much harder prison.

Don't tell Martha I said this.

The premise being that people commit corporate crime because they think of people's just numbers, and they think of it as sort of victimless because they don't see the faces of these people. And then we end up completely, disproportionately punishing.

We punish people that steal loaf of.

Bread to feed their family or sell weed. And you spend life in prison.

And then somebody that literally ruined the.

Lives of thousands of people or millions of people who trust them with their money, you invest with them, whatever it might be, and they get to go.

To a country club, like you said, camp cupcake.

And they don't even have locks on these doors. They get to come in and out and do what they want.

And obviously, that is not a disincentive.

But if you let them see what.

Real time is like when they're actually.

Committing a worse crime, we stop having a caste system, even within our prison system. Like, that should at least be a democratized area where everybody is in it together, and they would not be able to handle it. These very soft, white collar people would not be able to handle a day in hardcore prison. They would have no choice but to stop committing corporate crime, and they would realize how bad it is in there, and we would have prison reform very quickly as well.

Cleave 2024. A little late.

It's a little late for me. Maybe 28. I'll have to undo much more of a mess probably at that point, but maybe 28.

It's time for our segment that we're calling funny money again, I'll be the money part and you be the funny part.

Great.

If we're cool with that.

But I want your opinion as a funny expert. Ready?

Yeah.

At CES this year, a swiss startup previewed an aipowered cat door designed to prevent cats from bringing dead mice into your home. The company claims the door will lock your pet outdoors unless it drops any dead animal in its mouth. The flappy costs $525. Would you invest in this company?

I don't have a cat, and I sort of feel like the cat itself should also just be permanently locked outside. So I'm not the target demographic for.

This product, but I do like it.

As a product because that's the only reason I don't get a dog door. Even when the gps controlled ones, they.

Have them, or Bluetooth controlled ones for my dog is I don't want him coming in with things, creatures, let alone my God.

I mean, there's also the issue of dirty paws on the white shag carpet. So they need to also maybe add that feature. But I do think it's a good start. Making them drop rodents. That's the bare minimum, I think, for a dog door into the future. So I would invest. There are a lot of cat people out there, but the problem is, are cat people wealthy? They have $525 to spend on a dog door. It would have to be so much more market competition to bring the prices down on this.

So then gen three cat door.

Now we're about $118. I think maybe then you got a viable product, but it's going to take a while to get there. Now you're going to only need very wealthy cat ladies. I think you probably just pay a guy to de mouse the cat before he comes back in.

There's a lot of options.

A man in Texas is suing Macy's and the parent company of sunglasses hut after Macy's facial recognition software mistook the man for someone who committed an armed robbery, which landed him in jail for almost two weeks. He is seeking $10 million for the incorrect arrest. If you are Macy's pr company, how would you try to spin this?

I would try to tell him it's.

Like, it's good for him to have.

That tough love in jail for a couple of weeks. Plus, it's a small price to pay.

To incarcerate one person to stop them from stealing scars and holiday tumblers.

Why does Macy's have facial recognition technology? We are living in minority report. I mean, what is happening? Like, I get you want to stop shoplifting, but maybe just hire a second.

Guard or maybe make sure he's not sleepy.

Every department is very sleepy.

This is rent a cop.

Yeah, we just run get Kevin James himself in there. He's not doing a lot since mall cop. It's a little bit much.

An online pastor was charged with fraud for selling a cryptocurrency that regulators described as practically worthless. He explained that God told him to do it, although it's possible he, quote, misheard.

He said he misheard. He said he possibly could have misheard possibly. That was his words.

Yes.

I can't believe no televangelist has ever thought of that before. Instead of Jim Baker being like, I have sinned, he could have been like, I have bad hearing. I could have sworn the Lord told me to defraud all of you. Apparently he said the frogs. The frogs are coming again. It was a plague reference. And then just Tammy Faye with the mascara dripping down.

I don't know why I just got.

Stuck in that side note, but this is amazing. So this guy started a worthless cryptocurrency. In his defense, aren't they all?

Totally agree, by the way, which, for.

Those of you listening on audio, we just fist bumped. Yes, it was an online pastor. He's only an online pastor. Is he even real? Is he AI created simply to defraud people of their money? What was the name of the coin?

Yeah, I don't know.

God coin. God coin. The one coin that you can't really touch or feel, and there's really no way to actually believe in it. It's very apropos.

It's sort of a great partnership, organized.

Religion and cryptocurrency, because they're both hard to prove.

Yeah, I think there was a brand deal happening.

Probs. God is the ultimate influencer, isn't he?

God?

Yeah.

Og.

Oh, yeah. Started with twelve followers.

But I do think that there was an online company that had at Jesus or at God or something like that and then was paid a bunch of money to retweet people early on in social media times.

Yeah, I would believe that God would be on Instagram. I think he would have left X by now. If this is any God that I would believe in. But remember also then the pope got an Instagram and accidentally liked this brazilian model's photo.

Yeah, it was great.

Accidentally, allegedly.

Yeah.

Matthew Vaughn's highly anticipated film Argyle, which was supposed to be the first installment in a new spike series, just came out and has been called one of the worst films ever made. The film cost Apple original films $200 million and has been universally roasted by critics. If they abandoned the sequel because it's supposed to be a series and decided to give you, Ben, $200 million, what.

Would you do with it?

If I had $200 million, I would invest in bringing the price down of AI powered cat doors.

That noble cause.

Or I would just reprogram the DNA of cats so they would no longer be interested in mice.

They would be interested in, like, picking.

Weeds out of the lawn or something that you got gardener cats? You got gardener cats.

Do something useful. Damn it.

Thank you.

Also my dog start paying rent. Start.

Yeah, that's not bad.

I don't mind that at all. Yeah. Dogs walking around huffing and puffing sometimes like, my dog will leave room. Go.

I know. What are you.

Yeah, I'm working all day for you, dog.

Damn an italian woman has claimed to be the heir of the Lamborghini fortune after hiring a private investigator to steal a straw from the Tonito Lamborghini's daughter. Wait, hold on. Let me say this again.

Sure.

An italian woman has claimed to be the heir to the Lamborghini fortune after hiring a private investigator to steal a straw from Tonito Lamborghini's daughter. Eletra.

I'm sure.

Allegedly, this woman ran a dna test on the saliva from the straw and now says she has, quote, irrefutable dna evidence that she is Tonito's daughter. If you were Tonito Lamborghini, how would you respond?

Well, listen, I've always put myself in the mind of Tostino. Pizza, roll, Lamborghini. I think it's a mindset I've enjoyed from day one because it makes me drive fast and feel as though I am faster than I am.

Wait, I fucked it up again. You did, Nino?

Tonino. Tonino. Tonino Danza from the who's the boss series. Tonino. Not Tonito.

Damn it.

Tonito would be ridiculous. Tonino.

That's fine. Is that trey?

That does try normal.

Yep.

An italian woman claimed the heir to the Lamborghini fortune after hiring a private investigator to steal a straw from Tonino Lamborghini.

Are you sure? From Topeko, Kansas, the heir to the Lamborghini fortune. Toledo, Ohio.

I'm so sorry.

I know it's italian, but it's still letters that form sounds. You know what I mean. I believe in you. The question was, what? No, how would you respond if you were team that were gone?

Okay, fair enough.

I do have one theory I need to share on. It is that of course she's going to claim she has the DNA after stealing the straw, because she can pretend the straw DNA is her dna. Now, it's a clever plan. You steal the straw, you get the DNA, and you say, look, my DNA matches. Yeah, because you just took straw DNA.

And you put it in your own damn mouth.

Correct. She would have had a much better argument if she did this dna test pre straw stealing. And that's the Tostito way. Tostito. It's a great tortilla chip brand. Everybody knows.

And Tito's great.

Oh, my God.

Hold on to your wallets, money. Rehab will be right back.

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And now for some more money.

Rehab in 2022, Burt's bees and Hidden Valley Ranch pulled an April Fool's Day prank announcing a new product, ranch flavored lip balms. Now they're planning on actually selling it. It will be a four pack ben. All of the flavors will be tied to buffalo wings. So we have celery, carrot, buffalo sauce and Hidden Valley Ranch. After Bird's bees does this partnership, who would be the logical next collaboration?

The world's over and we're officially in the end times now. So I just want to go on record saying that. I also would like to go on record and say I don't support. We're definitely in an apocalyptic zone now. I don't support this collab at all. I think if you want your lips to taste like buffalo wings, do it the way we all do it. On a very sad day when you have a craving and then halfway through you regret your life and you're sitting there in a buffalo wild wings and it smells kind of like bleach and sadness and you're sitting there in the corner being like, why did I take any of this on? I make bad choices. It's about 4000 calories worth of dreams down the drain. I wish I was a mouth in the mouth of a cat being left outside because that's what I deserve as a pathetic person that makes very bad dietary and financial decisions. That said, the next collab should probs be tostito pizza rolls and mixed with water. I would like tostito pizza rolls, tostino.

Flavored water and I would like the.

Water to be in the shape of pizza rolls and just be pizza rolls. Basically, I want water to not exist. I would like it to all be pizza rolls. Oh, the next lip balm collab.

Yes. Burt's bees should partner with. The first thing I thought of was a Heinz situation.

Interesting.

I really need some more money for the Carrie family.

Sure, yeah.

They might need money. Rehab. Who are you to dredge? We don't know.

Never.

I felt like this was a Super bowl type thing. I enjoy sweet potato fries. All fries.

You would like your lips to taste ketchup flavored.

Is it cheaper to get the actual food? It's more calories. So, like, when I want to eat my feelings and just have sweet potato fries, you can just lick your lips.

Instead and save a lot of calories. That's not a terrible idea.

It's like the new ozempic diet.

Interesting. I like that. I like that a lot. I like that. And then I think the next collab should be Burt's bees x Frank's red hot sauce or even hotter sauces, like, the hottest sauce you could find, because now we're also. You brought ozempic in with your solution.

And my solution brings in collagen.

You get rid of collagen, it just automatically plumps the lips due to the hot nature of the sauce. I love that the hotter the sauce, the bigger the lips. Women always put lip balm on their lips. Always. Women's lips are just very dry. I don't put anything on my lips ever. I go skiing. I don't need to put nothing on my lips. You know what I'm saying now?

I know what you're saying.

I just have normal lips.

What's the show with the hot sauce? Hot ones with, like, Jeffrey Lawrence. She's crying and all of the things. Yeah.

I like to describe it after. I already know the name hot ones. Let me say it again.

This is free flowing vibe. I love that bed. I like that. Yeah, you just do like the lip balm and the hot sauce instead of eating the hot sauce.

Yeah.

All right, we're going to move on.

No, I like it. That was my idea. You're stealing my idea. I'm trying to reframe it under the hot ones. You're trying to give shine to the hot ones, guy.

I'm taking it further.

Like, we're expanding, turning into web series.

We're turning into a media company.

Okay, now, I like what you're thinking on that.

Okay. Hotel Atlantis, the Royal Dubai, just broke a record for offering the most expensive hotel room in the world. It's 100 grand a night. The room has four bedrooms, a living space, a dining room, a kitchen, a bar, a game area, an office across two floors, and a 5000 plus square foot terrace with an infinity pool.

I'll take it.

How much money would you bet need in your bank account in order to feel comfy cozy throwing down 100 grand a night in Dubai?

I would need just $100,000. I'm willing to just let it all ride on this.

Spend your last hundred on that one night.

Yeah, the night's going to be real fun.

I hope they do. A federal judge ruled that the tribute ban sued by earth, wind and fire for trademark infringement can continue to prove its counterargument that earth, wind and fire abandoned the intellectual property rights to its name. The tribute ban, called Earth, Wind and Fire Legacy reunion, claims that the real earth, wind and Fire has allowed plenty of other tribute bands to use its name without any repercussions, and therefore the band can no longer claim any exclusive legal rights to it. The real earth, wind and Fire is still touring Ben, and is arguing that earth, wind and fire legacy reunion is trying to trick people into thinking it is the real earth, wind and fire. If you were going to try to impersonate a band, who would it be?

You mean other than my current earth, wind and fire tribute band that I've been touring with scot free for a long time? I've in fact, gotten letters from each of the band members saying, we love it. We love how you're taking money off of our plate. Please keep on keeping on. So I think that's nice of them. They just don't like particular band.

Maybe they don't sing great or something.

If I could do any tribute band, what would it be? Beatles. I would like to helm a Beatles cover band. I could do kind of a Paul McCartney cover situation. Or maybe I would like to maybe be Elvis.

It'll be a lot of fun to do that kind of thing, you know what I mean? I think that would be enjoyable to do.

Yeah, that's about it. I don't think I could dance Michael Jackson style. I probably wouldn't do that. I could probably sing the most like Neil diamond, but I mean, I love.

Neil diamond, but it's not exactly going to get the ladies excited.

So that's probably the third choice.

I feel like if I were to really double triple down on making earth, wind and fire my life's mission, I would make it something more clever, like earth, wind, fire water.

Interesting. Or some other earth, wind and fire merch. Available now in the mezzanine. That's another option. Earth, wind and flour used to be restaurant here in LA and it was delicious. My family go, there, be sawdust on the ground, free peanuts and buckets. You'd have a look on your face like, you don't like peanuts. You have an allergy.

Wait, flour. And it was peanuts on the ground, like, earth, wind, and flour. Wouldn't be pizzeria.

It was a pizzeria, and it was italian food, but they also had peanuts.

Why were the peanuts.

There are italian people not allowed to eat peanuts. Do the italian people have some sort of a peanut allergy across the board? Really?

Yeah. If your name is earth, wind, and flower, I'd put flour on the floor.

I mean, the way you're kind of doing an act out of throwing flour on a floor, but then a little bit of water spills. Now you got dough on the floor.

And it's a very messy situation.

I'm just picturing italian people sitting in a booth in a sawdust flash, flour filled floor. It's doughy. They can't escape the booth. They're sitting there very sadly, applying tostino pizza roll flavored hot sauce on their lips, and just both inflating and deflating their lips at the exact same time. It's a real problem.

It's a cool way to go. He was the nice man, that Ben gleam.

This is me. This is my demise.

Ben. We end our episodes by asking guests for a money tip. Have one that we should know.

My big money tips. Taking segue to the bank is just don't leak money. Spend your money intentionally. I like to be very generous with my friends and family and loved ones, but I don't like to leak money. I don't like if there's a valet at $20 and there's a parking spot across the street, or I can look for a minute. I do that. I try not to just leak money. I try to cancel subscriptions. I don't use. I try to just not, because that adds up. I always do this calculation in my head, and if I spend money on a dinner I didn't enjoy or I go to a breakfast instead of having breakfast at home, and it was like, $39. I think, like, three of those is $100. You do that ten more times, that's $1,000. You do that ten more times, and that's, like, a chunk of your annual income. It adds up. Little amounts add up. But my also big money tip. Do invest in God based crypto coins. I feel like that's always a safe bet, because God's got you.

Money.

Rehab is a production of Money News Network. I'm your host, Nicole Lapin. Money rehab's executive producer is Morgan Lavoie. Our researcher is Emily Holmes.

Do you need some money rehab?

And let's be honest, we all do. So email us your money questions, moneyrehab@moneynewsnetwork.com to potentially have your questions answered on the show or even have a one on one intervention with me. And follow us on Instagram at moneyNews and TikTok at moneyNews Network for exclusive video content. And lastly, thank you. Seriously, thank you. Thank you for listening and for investing in yourself, which is the most important investment you can make.