The McElroy brothers are not experts and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mention only, so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up? You call me? Hello, everybody, and welcome to my brother, my brother. No, I don't want a lot this Christmas, there is just one thing I need you to know.

The president on Meet the Press is free. Yeah, I know, I lived in. By that one big. Oh, my God, is you fucking moist juice?

Damn, I've heard other people make that noise before.

I never heard anybody put that much weight on the mics. Damn it was.

If you're doing a water drop sound fact, the least you can moisten it. That's like a bucket drops from a great height of water to get one. Let me get one isolate in case we'll you a text message noise.

Damn. Now that's a fucking deep cave dog.

Yeah, that's a deep, deep cave you give your mouth is the fucking cave of secrets from all that deep cave where all my family's money comes from. Yeah. It's a deep cave that puts food on my children's backs.

Yeah. Full of treasure. Just like the Cave of Secrets from Aladdin Tribe. Did you have somewhere you wanted to go with that or. Yeah, we're ramping it up. Oh we Christmas creep. Yeah, I'm starting it today.

Today you couldn't even give us the damn decency of waiting until, you know, Friday morning.

Today we Hazlet honestly, the Christmas season starts November 9th, the day after Travis on my birthday, because we don't want to don't want to obscure the big the big holiday.

Yeah, but that that's just I would say November 9th to November 25th. That was but preamble.

Oh, here he goes on that voice again. We fucking a quarter Christmas creep.

I swear. Jar for weird Dickensian sort of fancy.

Lautrec Soaking your puddings riprap your trinkets in tinsel. And is it a riddle master that has sort of take.

Is Travis rather. Yeah. Ebony's Christmas Ebeneezer Christmas like from the great book. Ebony's Christmas is wonderful.

Right. He is a Scrooge. He's my cousin. But this is a family name. Right.

So did you get go to or did he just tell you about his ghost like. Oh, that sounds cool, Abe.

I got I got skeletons. Whoa. You got was going way cooler dude.

Yeah. Did they try to do the.

Oh I didn't know. And you cuss. Oh fuck fuck.

I knew I was fucking. So what did these skeletons have for you.

They taught me how to skateboard while it's really pretty cool. Well hey what year do you occupy. I occupy nineteen ninety three. So but your cousins with Ebenezer Scrooge. Correct. I'm not sure that that works but distant cousins through time. Yes. Your ties it one time cousins. I'm not sure. Time cousins.

OK, how many kids. Dad married my aunt ok. And then died one hundred years ago. Yes but the aunt stayed alive.

OK time cousins. Hey how many skeletons were there. I want to hear the story.

Yeah. Was sixteen. Wow. How long did that take.

Took a long time if I'm being honest. One of them taught me to, only one of them taught me the kickflip. So it was one of them taught me to do that thing where like you jump up and it goes on a rail and you ride that for a while.

I did that one. A grind. Yes. One of the one of the skeletons taught me to grind. One of the skeletons taught me to do a Christ 360. Wow. So the skeletons know.

But in this proves my theory that the skeletons do know about Christ in his cool works.

Oh yes, absolutely. One of them came straight from heaven. Was one of those heaven skeletons heaven like he left me behind.

Yeah. Huh.

So these skeletons do they were that was it like was it like Bob Berquist was one of them. And Bucky Lazich. Yes. Andrew Rennolds.

Are these the scale or were they just like sort of, you know, an unnamed punk skeletons?

One of them was Tony Hawk's old skeleton all before he got it replaced with. Yeah, sure. Yeah, yeah. If memory serves, he did a skeleton swap with Bam Margera, but bands didn't quite fit. And so there was just a bonus. A bonus, bonus, bonus, bonus. But yes, correct. Right.

Well, there's probably nowhere else for this story or character to go.

Well, then Tony Hawk's old skeleton and I fell in love. OK. Oh, OK. Now I'm back in here.

I was losing interest, but now I'm very much in.

We dated for three years, then we moved in together. But that only lasted nine months before we decided we'd be better off as friends and lovers.

So, yes, fine. Thank you. So you fuck.

Yeah. Yeah. But we don't, we don't live together. We don't cohabitate any.

Oh that's fine. It's twenty, twenty. Nobody lives together. But do you explain a little bit.

Sort of like in detail of what that looks. Like, if you if this skeleton might do what the options are endless, I guess it's mostly vacuum. I prefer cap. OK, that's the actually the one that you cap.

I think you're the only one. And you don't know what my genitals are like.

That's true. You probably got those old English and Japanese. That's right.

The original issue, the old English jinnies, those juice, those I don't know if you know, those were a wild, wild scenario. Anyway, this is our Christmas. Yes.

It's not our candle light, not our candlelights episode. That was later. This one we're given straight, straight up to Christmas every every ten years. We like to break one off for.

Well, Jesus birthday. Yeah. So special for time for tiny, tiny Jesus. Yeah. The little one.

So do we want to. I feel like I shouldn't be leading the wagon by feel like I am and that's not usually my role. So I'm going to step on back behind the curtain and I just I recently made potato soup all right.

And shared some with my neighbor. I put in I put in a large mason jar and delivered it to her. She ate the soup and then a few days later call to tell me she put the jar, my mailbox. I was heading to work. It didn't check the mailbox. And then long story short, I didn't remember to check the jar until two days later. It wasn't there, but there was mail. Did the mail carrier steal my Mason jar?

And should I leave a note asking for a back? That's from Post Purloin in Pennsylvania.

Oh, wow. OK, so this is if you lived in Texas, this wouldn't be a thing, because literally, if I stretch both my arms out and spin in like 360 degree circle, I'm going to knock six to seven mason jars off of surfaces in my house.

The Postal Service.

Wait, where do they come from? Griffin Just from living in Texas.

I got some over here. I'm brewing some sarsaparilla pickles. And over there these I mean, these three were for all my morning juices that I that I drink and secrete. And this one over here, I just like this is my lucky jar.

I try to keep this one on me at all times. And this one here has got a bug trapped under it. Well, you can't get rid of that one or the bug will be free.

I want to step outside the bit real quick and do a quick derailment this morning. A big fuckin lizard got my house, not one. He's cute little guys. You're like, oh, like you're walking down the stairs at night and you're like, oh, look at those little tiny. Was this a this was a fucking size of my hand ass lizard. This is a big boy areolas.

I really have like one of those angry faces or is like this is a lizard that kills thing.

He didn't sign. Oh no. He wasn't angry or anything like that. But he did move fast and unpredictably, which is the worst way that a lizard can move when I'm interfacing with it. So I, I but I took care of it. Wait, and that tell me how. And that's all I'm going to say. No, Griffin, you actually can't do that. And that's all I'm going to say.

When you say you took care of it, did you mean you kind of maybe yelped a little bit and it went somewhere and you didn't see where it went and you're choosing to pretend like it's a Schrodinger's lizard at this point?

Is it in my house still? Is it not my house still? I don't know. It was there and then it scurried and then it wasn't there anymore. I I've done that move.

I've done that move with spiders.

Everyone in my home is it me is very afraid of spiders.

And they're always like, get over here, you big burly man and execute this fucking bug. And I'm like, I'm not going to kill Spider. That's very bad. Seems bad juju. I don't want to do it. It seems like bad luck, right?

I don't want to not to kill a spider source. I'll shepherd them into a thing.

And sometimes when you're trying the passive route with a spider, it's going to it's going to you know, it's going to get away. A lot of times I'll just fake like just pretend like, no, no, no.

I got him. I got him.

I got one last I saw my my my lizard friend. He was close to the front door.

So I'm just I'm just going do like the fake balled up paper towel, like, oh no, he's in here.

I got to hurry. Open the door. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. That's that's only in here. OK, to guard what. I like that one.

So the Postal Service worker probably did steal your mason jar. Nobody wants an oil Supai Mason jar. Really. Trav, really. After this year. After the year that they've had you want to really know. So OK, I'm not going to say they stole it. I'm going to say they took it. And here's why I'm going to say that. And here's why I'm changing the wording. Because there was a stamp, because there was name right.

Now, you left it in there for three days. Mason Jar ain't small. I don't know how big this mailbox is, but it's definitely not big enough that a Mason jar went unnoticed for it seems like upwards of two to maybe two and a half days. So there were at least two checks, maybe three, where this mail carrier, probably by the third one, said I.

I guess this is this familie mail. It's got to be made us free mail. Why are they getting it like they put this in here? It's not like when somebody puts a two liter bottle in their toilet, like to use less water. This isn't so I put less mail in the box. I have to take it. And they they took it.

Here's here's the thing, folks.

And I'm I'm sorry to be the one that brought this to you if you don't know about mail law, but if the mailbox is not your house, the mailbox is the mail carriers house.

Yeah, that's their little house. OK, yeah. You put letters into their house, they take letters out because they're like who have letters in my house. They'll put letters before you into their house. It's still their house. You don't decide to put decorations on the inside of it.

You don't try to spruce it up with various lacquer. You can do that on the outside. On the outside, you do whatever you want.

On the inside, they can put up a fucking poster of Pamela Anderson from Baywatch.

They could do whatever they want and they will personalize it, get it out or shag carpet, a little disco ball in there. It's not your fucking business. That's their house.

If you got a lot of there's not a lot of examples of this. I mean, we don't do like like milk, milk delivery people anymore. I can't think of another airlock lock of possession like like a mailboxes where it's like I'm going to put this in here. And while it's in there, it is both mine and yours until you remove that. Yeah. The mail carrier could store crack cocaine in the mail box, they could put it in there for for them and have someone else come, no trade it for money.

And you're like, did you do this from my mailbox? And they'll have to crack you. But no, no, no, no, no.

That's my property on the inside. It's none of your fucking business. What I do is down to do whatever I want. You're lucky I take your letters to other people. I could just throw them in the trash.

I don't think I could do that. Actually, that would be a violation of federal law.

But it's their house. They can do it or they want. And you left a big stinky jar in there.

If you come to my house and you leave a basically potato jar for, I might throw it away.

It's my house. Oh, that's another option. Is that mail called garbage and said, hey, garbage, it's me mail. Just want to let you know they had a little bit of garbage from you in my in my mail house.

In the box I call in my little dead drop that is their mailbox.

So and now I'm worried that they put some of their letters in the trash can. You put an unmade letter into your garbage? Yeah.

And the garbage goes away. There's no one who'd be like, how dare you? That was mail, not garbage.

Clearly, that's why you can't throw a toilet away, garbage calls garbage cause plumbing, so they put it back in, they did it again. These guys are trying to chop and screw their services, and I don't like it. Do you guys want Yahoo!

Yes, but I think this this this one so wild. And I deliberated to not bring it. But then I am because it's it's part it is part of what could be a new segment called Hey, Yahoo!

Are you guys are you guys OK?

That is a wild thing to hear you say after five hundred and thirty five episodes. Yeah. Terrifying to me. My whole clinged. Yeah. This is a wild one.

This is a wild one. So the question it was sent in by a couple of people. It's from Yahoo! Answers user skater, mom of five.

It's absolutely fucking rips and skater mom of five asks, What do we really know about Mrs. Claus?

Huh? There are three answers on this one, which is a lot for Yamhill, and they first of all, any time you write the word Santa on Yahoo, it changes the colors to make it red and green, which is seems unnecessary, like completely unnecessary.

But the answer is that literally a hundred percent of the people who have answered this question have submitted are absolutely fucking batshit wild outerspace fucking gadzooks loony tunes out there, wild man shit. And I'm just going to break you off a few pieces, please, for all the cartoons and stories and rumors.

We really don't know much about rumors.

Yeah. You know, the Santa. We really don't know much about Mrs. Claus.

I do know that she existed since when I talk to Santa and I ask her how she is usually says that she's well and since her good wishes, it was a cool way to start out.

We start out well, I know that Santa is the side no girlfriend. The way the way the person is racist does make it sound like Santa might have killed Mrs. Claus and is covering that house.

Mrs. Claus, don't you find a very good friend of mine? She just.

Oh, she's so busy right now. It's come to the phone.

But there sure are a lot of places to bury somebody in the North Pole, huh? Right. They would never catch him. That's why he keeps the Rangers. The Rangers win every freedom. Yeah. Here's another one, just literally the next one.

Well, I know that Santa is the center of my everything, and he really does love cookies and milk and even hot cocoa. The elves sometimes love the him. As for me, I love to bake and help out in the workshop. And my main job is cooking and cleaning and picking up and doing laundry.

OK, so they are huh. Interesting. They are inhabiting this cause of this one. There are no quotation marks with all the little ones around here. I have a full time job too.

I must care for the animals and take them to appointments so the reindeers get sick, the reindeer skin. I think the little ones are the elves.

The animals get sick and I have to take them to appointments. And when the elves have soccer games or school or work, I help them with that too.

Big time CNN and I both try to do together bedtime stories are a must at our house. We often go over the naughty and nice list together before bed, and then we read our Bible checking out all animals and we kiss each other good night.

I set the cocoa machine before bed and we sleep in and in the morning. And then in the morning we fuck, we fuck like a fucking wild dogs.

I don't like this idea of Santa Claus is a follower of Christ, OK? Because for me, I don't understand a Christian who is like. I'm going to make this kid's birthday all about me, right, because that's what he did, you know what I mean?

I want to make this one about when Santa really took that one away from Jesus. Did?

Yeah, he did. I don't see Jesus on coke cans. All right. Just like just like the Energizer Bunny took took over Easter. Yeah, Jesus had one. Had everybody fucking Bart Simpson took Easter with all of his great Butterfinger commercials.

There's another one, literally the next one. Mrs. Claus used to be invented to assuage matters over Santas loneliness.

All right. All right, all right. Children, children, normally requested of Santa had a spouse and youngsters.

So if you shoot creator or advertiser, determine sure. However, they just have the youngsters of the sector to like and none in there possess. So like this, if I'm reading this correctly, that Mrs. Claus was invented because kids would come out to Santa, be like, damn Santa like you get, you can somehow dog you get some help there up in the you get the pole up in the percent top.

Probably not.

Originally, the answer when he got asked that was he would just say, I've got ho ho hos in different area codes.

Travis, it's funny that you say that just a few more down. I heard that she's married to a ho ho ho ho, a.k.a. Santa's old Saint Nick, Kris Kringle. You're getting coal in your stocking for blabbing em.

Shame on you don't know what none of that does or means it. Here's one that she is married to Santa Claus and out. Bing, bang, boom. And we're done. Oh. The only thing you know about her. Shame on you.

Shame on you. Like you didn't know this one from an anonymous user. She sits while her husband, Santa, and his elves do all the work. She also can't have kids unless Santo's sperm is bad for Hillary.

She she is probably sitting at home getting visits from a Tiger Woods yellow. She's the driving force behind the legend of Santa Claus. I like that one. I like that one, too. I like I like the strong woman behind the man angle. I love that one. She was bitten three nights ago by me. Her name is now Mrs. Claustrophobic because she's trapped in my cellar.

Yahoo! Hey, it's me. Hey, you're trapped down there. And that big, big, deep hole I got up here.

Do you need help? I can pull you out.

So just I'm confused by the big business cards. And that led her to being trapped in the basement or their step in there.

They got pissed and then that means they get to keep her all next. One lone wolf Santa always wears a cup.

Not the question, but thank you very much. So I feel like that person pull up a convertible, like I like to throw my bike in here.

If we got.

All right, we got George. We know you mentioned it.

Any time we talk about literally any fucking back to back, she's all warm, rosy cheeked, joyful with a merry laugh and sweet. This is the only answer of these three that got a thumbs down reaction from somebody literally.

Next, she not buying into the fiction and literally next, she likes to stay close to the pole. I see. Yahoo! I wish I could put a website in time out, can I fucking call, I guess Elon like I don't want to, but is there anybody who can pull a website and time out Santa?

This is going to get back to old Kris Kringle and he's going to be like, what did you say about my wife? Ultimately, he's going to be like, Honey, is there something you need to tell me?

A few of the people on this said that they have had sexual Congress with you, which seems unlikely. But I have to inquire.

Well, Christmas is canceled this year because me and the missus need to go do couples counseling.

She talked to someone and got locked in their basement, missed Christmas.

And we were supposed to read the Bible tonight to the man, just to the man who has my wife locked in his basement. I have a particular set of skills.

If if it was five answers and all of them were this wild, that be one thing. If there were 15 answers and a couple of them were this wild, it would be one thing.

This is thirty three answers, which with very few exceptions are just like, yeah, she's she's I heard her in the Headless Horseman fucked and saying it's got old shoes, he's got a broken jingle balls, he's got a broken jingle balls.

And I heard that she likes to huff reindeer shit to get high.

And meanwhile yahoos like we made the words red and green its first.

Is this like a special sub Jiahu.

I don't know if this exists, but is there is there are like a layer on this or it's like sort of an RPG Yahoo answers where you can like really inhabit the world.

I do not believe so. I think it's just the regular ass busted up fucking Yahoo! Answers website that nobody wants. Nobody will pay for invest in this money. This website is burning money.

I do not understand how it's still I'm grateful for it because because of the capital C content.

But what the fuck else. Like we couldn't make Quimby work. But fucking Yahoo Answers is financially solid.

Electrum have moved on to to other to greener pastures. It's an abandoned building with like Russian teens doing toilet cocaine in the in the busted up bathroom.

It's ruined. It's gone. It's beyond repair. This is what is left here on Yahoo!

I'll buy it. I'll fucking buy it.

This will be an incredible investment. Yeah. And what a turnaround. What a life only story. If it's like oh do you remember how eleven years ago we started and it was like we included some weird silly questions. Now we own those questions. Those are the black. This is our Seabiscuit.

How about another question? Yeah, I'd love that. Here it comes.

OK.

I work in the cheese shop of a liquor store, and I'm pretty new to the job because of this, I often butcher pieces of cheese to the point where you are doing it bad.

Yeah, you shouldn't butcher the cheese. That's for me.

Only my manager tells me to throw it away. But I was like, that's such a waste. I would love to take them home with me.

How do I casually bring this up to ask if I could take the cheese proverbially for free or should I just take it anyway.

Please help. That's from please help me steal this cheese who are slippery slope. Oh boy, that's rough.

Well, we need to we need it obviously. Here's a joke.

You don't butcher cheese. You cut, you cut it to cheese. And that's very fucking funny.

But for real though. What verb do are we doing? Do we do Mong Mong the cheesemonger that you get the talking is selling mongering, mongering is the selling of it.

Yeah, I believe carving is what an artist does. Sly, sly. No, just like fuck you.

Everyone slices their cheese at home. Oh I'm carving the cheese.

I'm opening the slice of chances are artisanal. I'm unwrapping the slice of cheese. No for that, for the sandwich I'm making I'm, I'm blooming the cheese today we're letting the cheese bloom.

Today I'm going to throw this big block of cheese up on that light bulb in my ceiling fan. I'm I'm going to smush the cheese.

I'm going to smash. That's what you could tell your boss. I didn't mess it up.

I was blooming. Blooming. Oh, you don't you don't bloom here. Don't bloom. She's here. It's all the thing at the party.

Sorry, I used to work it in for around and for real and for me and for Randall used to work in forensics at the patisserie.

He would chop up all of the cheese bad into little unsellable chunks and we would make a nachos.

His strange large hat is something from which I sliced or rather by the myself.

Oh man. Oh, I go through the trouble of going to a place that specifically sells cheese. Even if it is inside a liquor store. You better put on a fake French accent for beer.

OK, here's the problem with us. You accidentally, probably accidentally cut cheese bad. Yeah. And you're like, I could take this out. Great. But. How does your boss know you accidentally cut the cheeseboard, if you're like, I could just take it. Yes. But then again, just throwing it away, is that better? OK, ok. OK, you take it without a word. You can have your cheese.

You needed to hear if you if you do. This is an honest mistake.

Right, I, I believe in you.

We don't have a Steelers or sinners or, you know, thieves who have clauses or illnesses clauses, if you know what Travis is saying. But so like you can make this work for you. Innocent crime. Let me take home the scrapple. Don't just throw it away.

But what you do have to do to sort of get rid of any appearance of impropriety is every time you do fuck this cheese up with your clumsy oaf hands is you've got to go.

Oh, yeah, every single time so that your boss does know that mistakes and lapses have been done.

Yeah. And I think the more the more like draws attention to your mistake, the more your boss will be like they are definitely not doing this on purpose because no human being repeat the thing that they're doing just for a free morsel of cheese, like some kind of Dickensian mouse.

Yeah, like fucking Monterey Jack from the rescue rangers that now I am now thinking about being at a cheese bakery in France and looking at all of their impressive hunks that they've got and trying to think about what's going to go past, what's going to go best for my big adult party I'm having that night.

And I go to the cheesemonger and I say, I'm looking for something that's going to pair well with a very O'Chee Scotch. And I was wondering if you and then I hear from the back room.

Oh, I'm probably I might I might take my business. I don't know what I would do in that scenario either way.

But what if you're at one of the finest for Margolese? Yeah. In the nation of France. Yes.

And they said you're here for the fact that you're here. Oh, yes. Yes. It's a law suit. A law. I fucked it up again. My blue eye. Oh, cigarette. Blue cheese. I fucked it all over the floor. Hey, boss, I did it today and I dropped it on the floor. I'll read it to me. You told me not to cut it in my hand and I held my hand and I cut it.

I got blood on the drawing.

That is a thing. If I hear oh no. In any location we're cutting is fifty percent of the job or more.

I assume someone has just been mutilate. A slicer has happened.

Although it would be a power move though for if the boss came back it was like what did you do to this cheese. You can just be like don't blame me, blame my ratatouille.

You lift up your attitude today and he's like Oh, you're doing a ratatouille. And you say, Yeah, sorry. He says, no. He lifts up his head. I've been doing a rabbit to eat.

And then you're like, well, doing ratatouille, but you don't actually cook eating here like yeah, my rat.

Does business have business. He went he got his degree in accounting. Hey, I'm here.

Do you think there was a rat who heard about Remy and his and was like, hell yeah.

I've always wanted to be a sniper, an elite sniper ready to eat too. No one told me I can't do I'm right of shooting.

I couldn't do it. So now I'm going to do it. And I don't care about critics because I shoot them because that's my fucking bag.

Maybe. Oh, man, that's a shoot. He's really good. You I just want to let you know that. Well, thanks.

Let's right on the tide of that. Great, Jeff. The whip, when yeah, right, issued, I guess, was a quip that seems a little ridiculous. So it was more kind of a statement of purpose and you dumb piece of shit, I'm talking about the toothbrush company.

Whoo hoo hoo. Not a funny joke, although quip could also mean a funny joke. But what I mean is the toothbrush company with their new smart electric toothbrush and using said smart electric toothbrush, good habits can earn you great perks like free products, gift cards and more. How it works. You connected to your phone.

You use this thing called Bluetooth. It's like a Viking thing and it connects to your phone. And then as you brush your teeth, your phone goes, hey, good job brushing your teeth, Travis. I'm very proud of you. And so I'm going to give you a gift card to some place because I'm so proud of you, my precious good tooth boy. It works just like that. And with the 45 dollar quip smart brush, which is now for adults and kids, you could be doing this yourself at home, not just listening to me brag about my good teeth, but you could be getting good teeth, too.

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What I'm not.

Yeah I'm not afraid to admit it.

And this week my wife has been working at the hospital as she is wont to do and then yes I do permit it.

It's very progressive of me. I agree.

But that leaves me in charge of two rambunctious kids that half of which are not in school as much as I would have thought they would have been just a scant year ago.

So I'm busy, Dad, trying to make it on my own.

You know what my secret weapon is when lunch time is around the alcohol, a little sketchy scotch, a little something.

My little snoop for dad, but then for the kids, a little sip for them.

I don't reach for a container of mac and cheese. I reach for my phone to have someone bring me back. And she says, that's done. Thank you, door dash, for helping me to keep my children fed. I ask them it's fun for them. I let them pick.

What are you guys in the mood for? You can have whatever you want because your dad has like a jillion restaurants, local places to support local businesses that you can't or shouldn't be be attending in person right now.

You can you can still support him with Dash.

Just so what do they do? They said they want they want to cook up on. Huh. They want to cook even a little chicken.

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And whether or not you bought pins, you can continue to help by heading to give directly.

Dawg, that's always thank you. John and I, who I love that Griffin, OK, this one was sent in by The Wizard Ben can't thank you for asking, but yeah, sure, yeah.

If you could imagine if I actually did it for real, what. That's as real bad boy behavior, not me. Mm hmm. An anonymous Yahoo! Answers user asked this. I'm going to call Jamie Jamieson's asks.

How do I stop my boyfriend from reading me bedtime stories without hurting his feelings? My boyfriend recently started reading me bedtime stories a couple of weeks ago.

It was a joke at first because I'd said I wouldn't be able to sleep when I downed three coffees that afternoon. The problem is he has done it every night since any make and he makes terrible mouth noises. I don't even know where they are coming from.

It only happens when he's reading out loud. It makes me so irrationally angry and annoyed that it takes me even longer to fall asleep than before. I am tired and exhausted, but I love this man. Please help. And that's from Rosario Dawson.

That's from Scarlett Johansson complaining about Funnymen College. And we all.

Why did she leave with no clue until we got to the mouth. Sounds part. I was thinking this sounds nice. I do this listen, I also am a dad and I also have two kids, and when I'm putting the older one to bed, I will read her book. I don't do this for the younger one because she doesn't know what a book is. I'll sing her songs, don't worry. But I read to the older one, and every time I do, I think who's going to put me to bed was the 12 foot tall person who's going to carry me upstairs, make sure I go potty and put me to bed.

That's all I want.

Mine is Matthew McConaughey on the call map. He just sets me. Oh yeah. He's got a story on there.

He talks about the infinite the infinite line of the universe in many ways out there.

I think maybe er some artists read me bedtime stories now that I'm thinking about it. It's a good way of thinking. Maybe that's it.

It's like a bedtime story where someone pretends to give you a cranial nerve exam.

Yes. Or maybe eat some Kentucky Fried Chicken in front of me.

You're talking to that stuff. I don't like hearing about it. I will non-preferred. I will not sit here in front of our audience who are basically our kids and be besmirched by you, sir, just because you're so small minded, you won't watch someone eat a bunch of noodles. It's perverse, perverse. The idea that you would willingly subject yourself to food eating noises.

Is it honestly traves the worst thing about what would you rather is not what would you rather watch. Well detail. Want me to watch you. Whale noises you whale pervert. Oh is that what you want for me to hear whales talking to each other or maybe just maybe.

Are you and you've also chosen like by the way a beautiful animal sound so maybe Janaki know what they're saying. Those dirty birds even. Yeah.

You can't even come up with something that is more foul than what you're describing because there is in it.

I'm just saying that to me, hearing whales talk dolphins, which is what it is, let's be honest, that's what it is. They're little whales, there's some small whales. You think that's better than me enjoying someone having the news? Hey, Popeye's Chicken Sandwich.

That's how they should talk to son. Do look at that huge bright whale. It's not even in the water. It's a shitty way. I need one of these white puffy whales and these whales with wings.

Don't get me started. Look at they're touching the water. It's the beach. It's like a giant whale made a very small one.

I'm going to swim up and crush it. Oh, no, no. Oh, my God, someone blow me up. I messed up, you got to what? What if the whale was both conscious and speaking English like, listen, I got bad news for you. You're going to do you're going to go whale. There has to be other options. No, no, no, no, no, no.

Listen, don't let me get stinky. Take me days to die. Please just bring me some of those round red exploding whales and tuck them in my hollow in the stomach.

I want to go meet the big whale up in the giant whale. The big blue whale. Hey, you guys. Well, do you guys ever look up at the big black wear with those little shining whales in it and wonder, are there any other whales out there?

I mean, other than the billions of visible and non visible microscopic whales around us? Every. I mean, are there other whales on other whales up there looking back at our whale with us on it?

I can't wait to go meet the big sky whale and say, hey, sky whale, what was the deal with?

That shit is really the best. Could you give me some bigger whales to eat? You gave me tiny whales one time.

One time a bird accidentally fell in the water and drought. And I seen him and he didn't have.

So what's up, Sky Whale? Hey, hey, big blue whale.

Why did that name me after Jim? Not cool dude. Couldn't they just couldn't. We have just been Jeff Whales. My name's Jeff and most of us are down here.

Hey, big blue whale. How come there's no whale week on TV? We're way cooler.

We're playing a bigger way bigger. What if they decide they're going to eat all the sharks or mean whales as they call biting, biting whales, bite whales.

They're going to eat all the bidi whales so they get a week of their very own like they're talking killer whales.

Sounds like, hey, you're kind of a Go-Between between us and the bidi whales. Tell them we want to join up. We want to join up whales and buy these whales together or we'll be unstoppable. Hey, hey, big blue whale. Why didn't you call us killer whales? You know, I'm a dad first and a podcast or sector, and I just feel the way it's just the whale loudest.

I'm a flautist. Third, since there's distance between. OK, great. I can think of other things people do.

I still got it. How about another question?

How do you know that Cory Booker read reads books to Rosario Dawson over over the phone. Yeah. That's why I mentioned Rosario Dawson earlier this. That's the service that Cory Booker provides to his girlfriend, Rosario Dawson.

Read US Weekly or wherever this info is kind of OK. I'm saying it's a pretty that's a dope strat. That's a that's a dope love story. I like that now.

It's nice. It's no, it's definitely definitely nice. Good morning. Rosario Dawson, would you like to hear more of the Hungry Caterpillar?

Would you like more of the lovely bones today?

Oh, you're busy running for president. Nah, nah, nah. I don't know about that. I'm sure that one will go swimmingly.

I get all my news from your stories. So if you if you were or weren't running, I'd have to hear about it. One of your stories, because you don't let me watch the TV now.

You just get lovely bones in book revision.

In sound, I've got a scarf today, you know, that means I'm going to be in jail or you're going to be doing some more Dr Little Rigau Pygmalion Chapter one in book revision.

Here is another question from media. OK, my girlfriend and I have been dating for a little under six months. I've only met her family a handful of times, but her mother recently asked me to buy her shrooms. We got to be a little bit more.

That could mean that sentence could mean 18 different things. We've got to be a little bit more specific here.

Is it possible I will be doing shrooms with her? How do I make a shroom trip with my girlfriend's mother?

Not an entirely awkward experience. That's from this is going to be a disaster in Denver, which without at it, it will be.

Is it possible is it possible that your girlfriend's mother asked you to go to the store and buy her some regular ice for some nice criminy for the Thanksgiving stuff and just some baby?

Balas, did she say, hey, could you buy me some mushrooms? And what she meant was for dinner on Friday and not perhaps a psychotropic, etc..

I don't want to get into semantics, but they're still mushrooms, aren't they?

I mean, you have that, huh? It is a test and I don't know which kind because it's either a test to see if you're, you know, fucking away steroid or it could be a test to see if you're cool and like to party and cool enough to hang with the mom.

The dad doesn't want to hear.

And it dad doesn't want to. He turns he turns his head away from this stuff that the mom likes to do, which is get whacked out, get totally fucking suited up.

Is it also possible that she wants the shrooms not to do them with you, though? She's going to take them back to her house and just kind of enjoy them with a nice glass of wine and a relaxing film?

It's very possible to the point where I would say it is far more impossible that your girlfriend's mother, who you barely know, said, hey, you know what would be fun? Showrooming with what's his face. Yeah, I, I fox I've bought some drugs in my time. What it is I would say the Times and the person I've bought the drugs from is the person I'm hoping to do drugs with has been I would say in the minority.

Yeah. For, for me personally I don't think that's what your girlfriend's mother is planning. Right.

What I do like the question ask is what you decided to do in this scenario was not to ask your girlfriend what what the girlfriend's opinion might be, but rather ask the three of us. You've come to know this mother even less than you do if that's even possible. So I'm going to say fucking do it, bro. Yeah, I. I think that would be fun as hell. I haven't shrooms in the dog's age.

Shroom does that, except probably not the accepted. I haven't, I haven't watched in forever. Must is gay.

I like I haven't had a full blown Mushie in forever. Right. And I would love to just mash it up with somebody and get to know them through that experience.

I will say this though. OK, now wait a minute. Hold on. If this if the girlfriend's mother. I was asking you to buy shrooms, they don't maybe they're not that lived in they just think they'd like to try it.

Are you? Willing to take the responsibility of like here's some shrooms, do the right amount of them, I guess, don't eat a bunch or too little. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Best of luck. Like, I feel like they're going to need the heroes of the DCU. Could do you could offer to just be a drug sharp.

Oh yeah. You've got to have a spotter.

Listen, let me spot you let me take you to the let me help you find the safe rooms in your house, the room to become safe during the experiment.

Make sure you don't let her too much pizza. Just to experience that.

Let me remind you that your life water has become incredibly warm and you could probably get a new life water out of the fridge and enjoy that.

I, I know a lot of people. I'm not going to brag. I know a lot of people here. You guys I don't know any of them.

Maybe a small handful of very close confidants that I would a lot of a lot of cons. I'm just saying, I don't know many people that I would be like I think this is a person who could get me shrooms like. I know. Yeah, that's that's such a bold maneuver to posit, like, well, OK, you are giving off perhaps a certain kind of energy question. Ask that I personally love Travis.

You have presuppose that there you can have multiple people in your life that, you know, they could get you shrooms. I don't think that that is true for anybody.

But I would argue that most people of a certain age definitely know that one person that can for sure get you through and it is wild that you have become that person to your loving mother.

And can you because like you don't address in this, like, I don't know how to you seem like you would be able to do that. Doesn't seem to be the question. Yeah.

One time, a girl in gym class offered to sell me a single Vicodin in a bag, and I didn't even I was so unplugged in that I couldn't even really process that that's what was sort of occurring.

And I was so afraid that it was a crime to even hear talking that I got scared and just kind of walked away.

But later I start thinking about, like, know what? And here's the thing. I'm 40 years old now. No one had ever seen me like that before and no one ever saw me like that again. And I still wonder to this day what was the vibe that I gave her that I've never given another living human being where it's like this.

This seems like the kind of guy who buy a single kitten in a bag. I've never thought about this before, but now you're making me think about no one's ever asked me if I a want to buy drugs or B no where to buy drugs like this is never. And I think I'm, I think I'm approachable. I think I'm cool. You know, I've got purple hair, approachable, definitely.

I'm but no one has ever offered me drugs. Don't get me wrong, they've. Oh yeah.

But they've never asked if I wanted to buy them or said, hey, do you know where to buy.

It's just never one time I was visiting when I was in college, I went over to my girlfriend's like old friend's place. He lived in a frat house to go play Halo because I was trying to ingratiate myself to her friends and I went over there and realized nobody else was there. That was going to be more of a sort of land party vibe. But no, it's just me and this this gentleman and we played some halo and he made some remarks.

And then at one point he said, Hey, man, do you want some Zanzibar's?

And I said, Oh, yeah, thinking that that was going to be some sort of selectable, some sort of hasty, like I thought maybe the frat house just had a bake sale and he brought out, like, my man Zali makes these boys so good, fucking condensed milk.

COKELY Why he brought out this clouting sandwich bag of what were very clearly pills.

And I said, oh, no, I don't know. Sorry, sorry. They don't go on his antacids because they're about to eat somebody. Yadi Marshmallow and chocolate chips, candy bars, babies. All right.

I thought you said Zanzibar's and I would have loved that. That one's on him, though, Griffin. That's not your fault, because that's not in the bar for him at all. So, like, what the fuck was he even tried to ista?

I didn't I didn't do much research into it after the fact.

I was I was one my honestly.

Was I embarrassed. Yes.

Was embarrassed that I whiffed it that that bad in front of somebody who just moments before I was I intended to impress in some way. Yes.

But was that embarrassment completely overshadowed by my disappointment that I wasn't about to eat some deliciously moist zanzibar's.

Yeah.

Something you've never heard of before.

And I was so certain in that moment that I was going to fucking yummy those.

Damn it. Hey, thank you so much for listening to our podcast. My brother, my brother and me. We hope you enjoyed yourself.

We hope you're having a good having a good week.

Well, just a reminder to stay at home. Yeah. This week.

And don't gather with your family or friends, you know, or friends who you don't see, you know, every single day. There's no special magic about whether there's holiday love.

No, not special magic that's going to protect you from covid don't care about love. If there's one thing I've learned from that hit country and Western song covid don't care about love. It's that covid don't care about. We don't care about love.

Yeah. So so please be safe. Be smart.

I will say, speaking of love, thank you to everybody who came to the live show, who watched the live show.

It was such a fun experience and everybody. So you were so lovely afterwards and you're going to make us want to do it again.

Yeah. So we will never tour again. This is a this is it. Yeah. Are you kidding? Is our night wolly style of tour.

I got to fucking sleep in my bed that night.

My bed I got to right before the show I took a shower and I used my special prescription strength dandruff shampoo in my shower.

I am never leaving the house again.

Thank you. Thank you.

Thanks to John Rodrik in the long winters for the user theme song. It's a departure off the album, Putting the Days to Bed.

Great tunes, baby friends. Good fun. Yeah. To write to you and to to and thanks to maximum fun for happiness on the U.S.A..

There's a really great podcast I'd like to tell you about, it's called The Best Is and if you, like me, have been unable to obtain either a PlayStation five or an Xbox Series X, and he's about to pivot into asking our listeners for sure.

For sure. Oh, no, no. I was going to say, if you want to hear people talk about them and long to one day rest your hands upon their new sleek bodies, well, then you're going to want to check out the best D. It's Justin Griffin and our friends, Russ Freshdesk and Chris Plante talking about the latest and greatest in video game entertainment. And it's super fun. It's like it's like one of my favorite podcasts and my favorite gaming podcast almost.

That is. Yeah, but it's not I don't miss an episode and I'm very excited to hear you guys talk about your Game of the year lists. That's always one of my favorite points in the show. So make sure you check that out. And also, if you enjoy the Great British Bake Off, Tyreese and I have been discussing the latest season on our podcast Bake on which you can find in your pod catcher and also on our YouTube channel, MacAvoy family.

Go check out MacRay, Match.com for all the cool searches there. This is your last week to get the pin of the month. The benefits, the level and foundation, which is committed to showing up for communities of color and unique and powerful ways with a particular focus on women and girls. Don't forget to prioritize our book, The MacAvoy podcast book. Com. You can preorder everybody as a podcast except you. You can also preorder The Adventures of Crystal Kingdom, which is book.

What for. Yes, of our graphic novel series. You can get that over at The Adventures on Comic Dotcom and the sawbones book is out in paperback on December 29th. It's newly revised and updated. Twenty twenty. And you can get that at Bitwise Sawbones paperback.

I think you guys here comes that. Yeah. Finally. Yeah. Wrap it up like a billion people sent this one. And thank you everybody. It's from Yahoo! Answers. Your question mark. Who asks.

Why do big, beautiful men love putting so much seasonings on their food?

My name is Justin. I'm Griffin McIlroy. It's been my brother. My brother may kiss your dad square on the lips. Maximum fun dog comedy and culture, artist owned, audience supported.