Hey, everyone, welcome back to another episode of On Purpose. I'm so glad to be back and recording these weekly workshops with you because I love, love, love researching. I love learning. I love preparing. And I love getting to deliver these deep dives into our minds and human behavior together. Now, this is going to be a fascinating episode because we are talking about something that is so, so relevant to each and every single one of us in so many different ways.

And I want to dive straight in.

How many of you feel anxious? How many of you were worried? How many of you feel overwhelmed? That's how a lot of you tell me you're feeling these days. And I get it. There's so much going on in the world where meeting challenges we've never seen before and when it comes to the pandemic, what we thought at first would be a few laps around the block, what we endured, a brief lockdown has actually turned into an ultra marathon.

Over the past few months, I've talked about dealing with anxiety and loneliness and ways to try and prepare yourself to come back even stronger once we start to find our new normal. But there's something missing. There's something I haven't talked about yet that actually plays a huge role in your ability to deal with setbacks, especially the big ones, especially the ones that feel just crushing when they happen. And that's dealing with your ego today. I'm going to help you uncover the role your ego is playing in these feelings of anxiety and overwhelm.

And I'm going to share with you some strategies and ideas for how to think about your ego in a bit of a healthier way. Plus, I'm going to share with you three ways to make your ego work for you instead of against you.

Now, I'm sure you're finding it perplexing, too, because you're thinking ego really like how does that fit into anxiety and worry? And so I hope that this approach will be counterintuitive and fresh for you now. As you know, I'm doing something a bit special right now here on the Friday episode of On Purpose, where taking one chapter at a time for my book, Think Like a Monk and using a paragraph or a few key phrases from that chapter as a jumping off point to go deeper.

This week, I decided to take something from Chapter eight. We're mixing it up. And of course, that chapter is about ego. And here's the passage from the book I wanted to dive into today. You can only keep up the myth of your own importance for so long, if you don't break your ego, life will break it for you. Now, I bet when I read that last part, that life will break your ego for you, some of you nodded and you can relate.

Some of you groaned, some of you slouched because you know that feeling and that experience. You know what it's like to have a life break your ego for you. I know I do. I tell this story in the book of how when I decided to leave the ashram and no longer be a monk and now one of my teachers even said, gee, I think maybe this isn't the right place for you anymore and how absolutely crushed I was. And after I left the ashram, I was standing there in my parents' kitchen because I had moved back in with them and I was looking out the window thinking, how can someone fail at being a monk?

What am I going to do now?

What will people say? What will people think? How will I respond to this?

It was one of the most humbling experience of my life, because before I left to be among people had said, I told you so. Now I was proving them right. There have, of course, been other times, too, that my ego has been shattered, like trying to find a job after that and sending out 100 resumes and having everyone rejected without an interview, I was like, wow, I can't even get an interview because surprise, surprise, no one wants to hire a monk.

What's your transferable skills like silence and space and stillness? I know a lot of you know what that's like. And maybe you are not a monk, but the work bar and maybe you're even going through something like that right now. I know how terrible that felt. And I also know that those experiences turned out to be some of the most powerful and meaningful in my life.

Now, what I'm not going to tell you to do is to look on the bright side or just do positive thinking and trust that everything will work out. Because I also know that right now, when you're actually going through it, it's not the time for that. It's not helpful for people to tell you those things. Your pain and your struggle are real. And I just want to acknowledge that. The other thing is that when we tell our stories of realization and of the times, we've had a major learning experience or triumph in our lives, when we create those versions of ourselves, we're sharing with other people.

We're sharing our memoir, not our journal. And I'll explain what I mean by that. For those of you journal and it's a great practice that science shows is especially helpful in recognizing and processing feelings. So I really recommend it. But for those of you who journal what is journaling, you sit down and write what you are feeling and what you're going through in that moment right at this time in your life. But when you write a memoir or an autobiography, you sit down and you reflect back on the things that have happened in your life and the path you've traveled and you see and create this overarching and unifying story that makes sense of everything.

And that's when you look back and you say that thing that was so hard and so terrible at the time, it turned out to be one of my greatest sources of strength or a major catalyst for change in my life. And that's why I'm where I am today. So that knowledge and that awareness and that story pretty much always come together in the rearview mirror. What we're talking about today is how to deal with what's happening right now. Now, the ego has gotten a lot of bad press, even in my own book, I talk about the struggles of overcoming your ego and its tendency to make you want to focus on yourself almost exclusively.

Sometimes it can be responsible for a lot of the harsh criticism you put on yourself and it can narrow your vision so you only think about yourself and how things impact you. Ego is responsible for our victim mentality, which again, bad things really do happen to people. I'm not trying to minimize that, but spending all of your time in a victim mindset keeps you from feeling empowered to do what you're capable of and to change the things that actually are in your power.

I want to talk a bit more about that in a minute. The point is that a lot of the time when we talk about ego, we see it as something bad, a source of most of our negative, self-defeating and self-serving behavior. Ego is a force we have to overcome. Ego, death and killing your ego has become something that's really popular to talk about these days because it's something pretty much all of us struggle with. We've all heard the phrase ego is the enemy.

But there's a quote by Abraham Lincoln that got me thinking about that idea. And that quote was, do I not destroy my enemies by making them my friends?

And I really got hooked on that idea because in the book I talk about this monk tactic of making fear your friend and making anxiety your friend. And when we do this, we can make these things work for us rather than against us. They become tools rather than tormentors. And I realize it's the same with our ego and he is the thing with your ego. It can die a thousand deaths and it will still return.

It will still resurrect. As much as I was taught by these amazing teachers. And as much as I've worked on this idea of ego death, it's like the Terminator. I mean, there is no molten metal or some kind of equivalent that will kill it off once and for all. It just keeps coming back. But what if we could actually befriend our egos and use it for good to help and support us? Now, this is a fine line and there's every chance that your ego can manipulate you and confuse you.

But it is a viable and important and very valid option that we need to explore. Muslim poet and philosopher and politician Muhammad Iqbal once said the ultimate aim of the ego is not to see something, but to be something. And I love that quote because that to me really points out both the positive and negative aspects of the ego or words that I started using these days instead of positive and negative are unhealthy and healthy.

Right. Healthy ideas, healthy thoughts, unhealthy ideas, unhealthy thoughts. When we think of healthy and unhealthy, we think about the impacts in the way we do with our physical. Let me say it again. In case you missed it, the quote was The ultimate aim of the ego is not to see something, but to be something when we have an imbalance of ego. Wait, wait, wait. I want you to write that down. Write that down right now.

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When we have an imbalance of ego, it obscures our vision, it blocks things from our side, and this isn't just a metaphor. It's literally true. What researchers call self focused attention has been shown in hundreds of studies to have a strong correlation with something called negative effect, which can include feelings of anxiety and depression. And, you know, if you follow a lot of anxiety, you had periods of depression that when you're in those states, your vision and your perception of life is narrowed.

Sometimes it feels like it's literally impossible to see the good in yourself or sometimes to see the good in other people. But really, usually when we judge other people, it's because we feel some kind of insecurity deep within ourselves. But here's something important, though, the ego creates this self focus, not only self focus is bad, after all, we want to be self aware. We want to spend time noticing what we're thinking and saying. We want to have goals and aspirations.

We want to strive to be something, to be more connected and compassionate and kinder and more successful.

So there are two kinds of self focus and it's important to differentiate them because one directs us towards that harmful ego and the other to the helpful ego. The harmful kind of self focus is rumination when we spend a lot of time focusing on ourselves and worry about what could go wrong or about what someone did or didn't or do or say or what we did or didn't do or say, when we run those thoughts and feelings in a loop, that's rumination. But then there's the helpful kind of self focus called mindful self focus.

That's where we spend time developing our self-awareness, not judging ourselves, but seeing our strengths and weaknesses clearly without self judgement. And believe it or not, the ego is largely responsible for both that same force inside you that says, I can't believe she hasn't called. She must be mad at me. I probably said something wrong again. She's probably going to break up with me just like my last girlfriend. I don't understand why no one can see the real me.

She's just a loser. Anyway, the same force that plays that tape can also play a different one. Doctor Joe Dispenza, who's been a guest on the podcast, if you haven't heard, it's great episode, has a great example of it. When he told me about a routine, he has that at the end of each day he asks himself, What did I get right today and what could I do better tomorrow? There's no harsh judgment there, just a desire to see ourselves clearly and to acknowledge that we can pretty much always do better.

That's ego to that drive and motivation to do better, because we wouldn't ask ourselves what we could do better if something inside us didn't think we were capable of it. A healthy ego not only urges us, son, it reminds us to care for ourselves because we value ourselves if we spend all of our time focusing on other people, because deep inside we feel unworthy. We don't focus enough on ourselves. We don't stop to consider how we're doing and what our own basic needs, along with our dreams and goals.

Whereas rumination of overthinking procrastination feels like humiliation, mindful self focus feels like humility and humility is that balance point of our egos. I heard an incredible story the other day from a man named Jonathan Graveness, who is a journalist and former TV personality on CTV. In 2012, he was diagnosed with late stage throat cancer to distract himself from his fear and anxiety. He started taking long walks around the city when he began to notice a homeless man on the street corner with a sign that read Help.

At first, Jonathan was angry. How dare you? He thought, You're not a victim. I am. The kids I see at chemo are victims, not you. But one day, the man's little dog came over to Jonathan and sat down in front of him. Molly only goes to people who need something, the man said. What do you need? Jonathan started to chat with the man whose name he found out was Doug. The next day, Jonathan brought Doug a sandwich and a coffee he didn't want to give Doug money because after all, he thought he would just spend it on alcohol or drugs when he offered the sandwich.

Doug said, I'll only eat it if you share it with me. And when Jonathan sat down to share the sandwich with Doug, he saw that there was writing on Doug's sign under the word help. When he asked about it, Doug said, those are the names of the organizations I'm raising money for. Suddenly, I realized, Jonathan said, that it wasn't him that was disabled, it was me, the judgment that I had blinded me to the truth of this man's graciousness.

Jonathan continued to visit with Doug. Eventually, Doug noticed the scar on Jonathan's throat and asked about it. Jonathan explained about the cancer to which Doug said, I know you're going to be OK. Jonathan nodded. Yeah, well, I feel I am. I'm going through radiation and treatment. No, Doug stopped him grabbing Jonathan's arm. You're going to be OK. You have a lot more to do. Jonathan walked away that day not only believing he really would live, but also believing for the first time in his life that he had a real purpose.

When Jonathan went back to the court the next day and the next and the next looking for Doug, he was gone. Yet what Doug said to Jonathan that day changed Jonathan's life. And he did live and from that point on, he lived differently, he engaged with people on a deeper basis and began to cultivate meaningful relationships and to try and truly help others. As Jonathan says, he'd spend most of his life trying to get close to glamorous and famous people, the people who mattered and avoid the homeless.

And yet it was the homeless man who gave him his life back, who inspired him in the belief that he really did have something of value to give the world. As Jonathan puts it, someone I thought had so little to give gave me so much. I talk in the book about the humility and humiliation. When we get our egos checked, it's often because we've been humiliated, we're publicly embarrassed, we're dumped, we lose our jobs, any number of things.

But humiliation is also an ego imbalance if we're humiliated and we start feeling terrible about ourselves, we get trapped in victim mode again and again and we start to ruminate. When our ego is truly balanced, we have humility and how we develop humility is not from a place of humiliation, but from a place of self esteem. Think about it. When you have healthy self-esteem and your ego is balanced, you feel good about yourself and your abilities, but you don't feel like you're superior to others.

That's true humility. When Jonathan was humbled by his experience with Doug, he could have allowed himself to be humiliated, to go off and hide and ruminate about what a terrible life he led.

Instead, he chose to risk his ego. He saw it as the power of belief in himself to change his own life and become more connected, giving and a caring person. One of my teachers, rather than a swami writes Humility gives us access to the grace required to overcome obstacles, especially the most difficult one, the ego. We don't have to kill the ego to become humble. We have to realize our real ego or self by liberating it from the false ego and be true to ourselves.

But how do we do this?

Here are three things you can do to help you find that balance point for your ego when you can use its powers for good to spend less time in self-criticism and more in self connection.

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Nakhon therapy is a Japanese method of self reflection, that's part psychotherapy, part spiritual practice. The method was created by Yoshimoto Ition, a businessman and devout Buddhist. Greg Creg, author of multiple books on Japanese psychology, explains Nagan broadens our view of reality. It's as if standing on top of a mountain, we shift from a zoom lens to a wide angle lens. As you list what you receive from another person, you become grounded in the simple reality of how you have been supported and cared for.

Your heart and mind begin to open to the grace that underlies all life. When you find yourself ruminating, you can do your own version of Nakhon Therapy to stop the cycle. Switch gears and reflect back on a time or times in your life when things came together into a resolution where you felt loved and supported. Neuroscience backs this approach as well. We know that, as Donald Hebb once wrote, neurons that fire together wire together. When you ruminate, you make it easier for your brain to ruminate, but when you reflect on experiences where they may have been challenging at the time, you figure them out, you persevered and people supported you.

You make it easier for your brain to feel those feelings, realize those opportunities and approach life. With that attitude, you start to see your life in present time more clearly. The second technique for balancing your ego is to practice mindful self focus. And I'm going to borrow. Dr. Joe dispenses technique and encourage you to have a brief self review at the end of every day. Just try it for a week and see the impact sometime before going to bed.

Find a quiet moment to ask yourself what went well today and what can I do better tomorrow. Remember, write this down right now. Right. This is not about judgment. It's about acknowledging we all do some things well. We can only. Something's better, right. There's two questions down right now. Take a screenshot of this. Come back to this. I want you to do this every day for a week and see what you learn. The third technique for balancing your ego is to keep giving the gift.

And here's what I mean by that. People often ask me if it's harder now to keep my ego in check than it used to be when I was a monk. Before when I lived as a monk, I had to robes and almost no other possessions. Life was not what you'd call flashy. And even though I do my best to stay grounded today, obviously things have changed. And so people ask me if I ever struggle with ego. And the answer is yes, of course I do.

And sometimes I struggle as a monk to. That's the nature of ego. We all have one regardless of our circumstances. When it comes to how I handle that, I lean on one of the techniques I learned as a monk. That is that every time someone pays me a compliment or if I say I achieve a goal or a big milestone, I think of that as a gift. The first thing I do is accept the gift and appreciate it.

Often we brush it aside, we shake it, we neglected, we reject it. It's important to receive it just like a gift in your home. The second thing I do is to pass that gift on to someone else. What that looks like is that I acknowledge your personal situation in the past. That actually is the person who gave me that skill or that ability or the thing that the person is noticing. So, for example, have you said to me, GAO, we love learning from you.

We learn so much from your book and your podcast. Then after receiving a gratefully, I pass it on to my teachers who taught me what you're being grateful for.

Another example is, if I'm recognized for some active service, for instance, I received the acknowledgement with gratitude fully, then I think of my monk teachers who taught me so many lessons about the value and importance of service, and I express gratitude to them. I do this silently to myself, though sometimes when I see my teachers, I get the chance to actually tell them in person. And that's really important to you, acknowledging that you're not a fully self-made person?

None of us are. Even if we worked very hard and had very little given to us or provided or someone actually hurt us, those people in situations helped to shape us as well. So even someone who helped us indirectly still helped us. Here's an example of that. If someone gave me a compliment like Jay, you're so resilient. That's really cool. Or Jay, you really seem to be able to bounce back from disappointment. I would thank them for that compliment and feel that deep gratitude.

And then I would think back to the times in situations where I was disappointed or had to overcome obstacles. I may end up, in my mind, expressing gratitude to a boss who fired me or a girlfriend that I didn't feel treated me right. Anyone who presented me with what I now see were opportunities to learn and grow. And I'm grateful to myself that I was able to do that, to do the work of learning and growing from those experiences.

And that is how we cultivate that humility. We acknowledge and accept our abilities and accomplishments, and we also honor those people and situations that helped us develop them. There's a beautiful quote from an Indian philosopher named Nesse Sagada that goes, Love tells me I'm everything. Wisdom tells me I'm nothing. And between these two banks flows the river of my life. Learn to use the power of your ego to support you instead of holding you back. And your life can flow like that river.

I really hope this has been helpful today. I hope that you really dived into the ego. I dive deeply into the ego in my book, but I want you to share what you've learned on Instagram. I love seeing your insights. I hope that you're going to practice these tools. That's the key thing. I want you to apply them in your life and experience the difference. Thank you for listening to On Purpose. I hope you share this episode.

I'm so grateful to have you here. See you next week. This podcast was produced by Dust Light Productions, our executive producer from Dust lt is Michelle Usif. Our senior producer is Julianna Bradley. Our associate producer is Jacqueline Castillo. Valentino Rivera is our engineer. Our music is from Blue Dot Sessions and special thanks to Rachel Garcia, the dust like development and operations coordinator.