Hey, everybody. Welcome to A Cross Generations, where the voices of Black women unite. I'm your host, Tiffany Cross. Tiffany Cross. Join me and be a part of sisterhood, friendship, wisdom, and laughter. We gather a seasoned elder, myself as the middle generation, and a vibrant young soul for engaging intergenerational conversations, prepare to engage or hear perspectives that literally no one else has had. Listen to A Cross Generations podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you get your podcast.

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I've seen this profile a million times. I'm drained. I'm not seeing anyone new. I'm bored. Right? 41% report falling in love with someone they didn't initially find attractive. The number one health and wealth On this podcast.

Jay Shetty.

Jay Shetty.

The one, the only Jay Shetty.

Hey, everyone. Welcome back to On Purpose. It is so great to be back with you. Thank you so much for tuning in. If you are someone who's dealing with dating burnout, this episode is for you. If you've become exhausted dealing with all of the challenges that come with dating, this episode is for you. Or if you have a friend, a family member, a sister, a brother, whoever it may be in your life that's struggling with dating, finding the one, finding their person, this episode is for you. I want to start off by saying that I think it's pretty obvious that people feel burned out from dating. A Forbes health survey says that, interestingly, women feel more burnt out than men Just by a little bit, 80 % reporting feeling some level of burnout compared to 74 % of men. Now, when respondents were asked, what was their reason for being burnt out? I want you to hear these. The Forbes Health survey goes on to say, The biggest reason is the inability to find a good connection with someone else, with 40 % of all respondents saying that. It goes on to say that this is followed by being disappointed by people, 35 %, feeling rejected, 27 %, having repetitive conversations while chatting with multiple matches, 24 %, swiping, 22 %, and simply the time spent using the apps, 21 %.

This episode is all about helping you start dating again in a healthy, productive, effective way so that you're not feeling all of this. Now, I want to I'll start off by just acknowledging that it's important to recognize that dating burnout is a natural response to an overwhelming or unsatisfying series of experiences. If you've been on countless dates that led nowhere, or you've been in relationships that drain you emotionally, it's understandable that you might feel reluctant to put yourself out there again. Burnout often stems from unmet expectations, repeated disappointments, as we've discussed, and the pressure to find a partner quickly. It's essential to acknowledge these feelings rather than suppress them, and accepting that you're burned out is the first step that we can take in this process. Now, I've been working with Match as their relationship adviser because I'm so committed to wanting to help people find love. And this is an area that I believe people need so much more help because it's not something we learned at school. It's not something that our family has the best advice on. And the truth is, there isn't a perfect formula. But what I will share in this episode is how you can get closer to having better matches, less disappointments, and more success.

Now, for Matches 13th annual singles in America's study, they asked all the questions about self-worth, relationships, and love, and over 5,000 singles across the country answered in detail. What What I found really interesting about this is that they found what singles have also learned to suss out makes an unhealthy relationship. So the four things that people notice that actually lead to an unhealthy relationship are, one, poor communication, 45 %. Two, lack of trust, 42 %. Three, cheating and infidelity, 38 %. And four, emotional maturity, 36 %. Now, the reason why this is so important is that one of the things we say is that we have an inability to find a good connection with someone else. That's one of our reasons for being disappointed in dating. Now, here's the truth. It's actually more rare to find love than it is to not. And so we've actually got to approach dating with a higher resilience, with a thicker skin, with the ability to deal with the fact that it's like applying for a in the sense that there's a lot of applicants, there's not a lot of spaces, and it takes time. And often the reason why it's so difficult when it comes to dating is because it feels so personal.

It feels like it's because of how I look, it's because of a habit I have, it's because I'm not over my X yet. It's because I'm dealing with this or that, right? We make it so deeply personal. We make it so critical and judgmental of ourselves And so in order to improve this, I want you to recognize that after a date, I want you to just as critical you are about yourself. I want you to be as positive. I want you to share what you think did what you did well, because here's what we often do. We're trying so hard to be interesting. We're trying so hard to make the other person like us that we don't know if we're interested in them, and we don't know if we like them. We're trying so hard to get some validation in that they'll think we're cool, we're interesting, we're fascinating, whatever it is, trendy, whatever it might be. And we're trying so hard to do that that we don't actually think, well, did I like that person? Did I think they were interesting? Did I connect with them? And that's if we like them. Now, if we don't like them, we often disengage immediately.

And I find that that's training, too. We lose out on the ability to practice, to have a great conversation, to connect in a more friendly way with someone. And what we're doing is we're now spending an hour in our head thinking, I can't wait to leave. That thought of I can't wait to leave is the extreme opposite to, I hope I can impress this person. And both of them are draining because one is acting and performing, and the other is just surviving and trying to get through something. Instead of just saying, Hey, I may not be interested But let me at least have a good time. Let me at least try and connect. Let me learn. Let me try out a few questions that I've thought might be useful. And hey, maybe I'll actually find this person interesting. Now, when we go back to these four red flags of poor communication, lack of trust, cheating infidelity, or emotional immaturity, three out of four of these we can spot quite quickly. And I find that we often ignore these. For example, if someone has poor communication, it's pretty obvious in the beginning beginning, if someone's going to be late for a date and they don't notify you, if someone doesn't respond for a few days and then they're active again, but they keep repeating that pattern.

It's a great way to set with someone, Hey, how often do we think we'll both be replying here? Because what I find these days is it's so easy to get distracted. And often people are genuinely busy. They've got so much going on, but oftentimes we're lazy. And the truth is, you don't want to be with someone lazy. You don't want to be with someone who's not actually present with you. And you can suss that out pretty quick. This is the way you know if you can trust someone. Do they keep their promises to you? And even more importantly, do they keep their promises to themselves? When they say they're going to do something for you or for them, do they follow up? Do they live up to it? Do they back it up with action? And the fourth one, emotional maturity, is a really, really important important one to look at because I think that you can tell whether someone's emotionally mature by their ability to handle difficult conflict-based, tension-based conversations or difficult scenarios. There may be something that you run in with a host at a restaurant or at the bar. It could be how they deal with someone else behind them who pushed them when they walked in or whatever it may be.

It It could be someone getting an order wrong. You can see how someone deals with it and what their nature is, what their disposition is, what their demeanor is when going through that. Now, again, when we go back to the dating burnout point of this idea that 40 % of people feel they didn't find a good connection with someone, the match report goes on to share a really important statistics. And if this is the only statistic you take away from this episode, that's great for me, because listen to this, 41 % report falling in love with someone they didn't initially find attractive. I think a lot of our dating burnout comes from, as we said, swiping. 22 % said that. Another one is feeling disappointed by people, 35 %. Maybe they don't look like we thought they would look. When you think about those, there's nothing wrong with that. But 41 % report falling in love with someone they didn't initially find attractive. I feel like we write so many people off. We don't give the person a second glance. We don't give the person a second chance. It's almost as if we believe in love at first sight.

You may say, I don't believe in love at first sight, but there's a part of you that does, because if you don't like someone at first sight, you don't give them a second glance. You don't give them a second chance. You don't give them a second opportunity. You think, Oh, I've seen that person swipe. Oh, yeah. I mean, I've seen this profile a million times. I'm drained. I'm not seeing anyone new. I'm bored, right? I've met people in real life, too, who tell me when they first were introduced to their partner, they didn't find them attractive. They didn't think they were their type. And it was their personality. It was the way they engaged. It was all the other things that won them over. And I think so many people are missing out on a wonderful opportunity Because we're valuing superficial initial interaction. Now, I'm not saying you shouldn't be attracted to your partner. That's not what I'm saying. What I'm saying is that attraction is beyond what you see. And especially for a healthy relationship, if you're looking for a long term relationship, there's so much more than the superficial that makes someone attractive.

Kindness makes you more attractive. Joy and optimism make you more attractive. The ability to solve problems and be analytical can make you attractive. Wanting to have an adventure and discover and explore can make you attractive. There are so many attractive traits beyond how someone looks that can make them attractive and actually a healthy partner. Don't miss out on them because you still subconsciously believe in love at first sight. Give people a second glance. Give people a second chance. Because 41% of people fall in love with someone they didn't initially find attractive.

The Therapy for Black Girls podcast is an NAACP and Webby award-winning podcast dedicated to all things mental health, personal development, and all of the small decisions we can make to become the best possible versions of ourselves. Here, we have the conversations that help Black women decipher how their past inform who they are today and use information to decide who they want to be moving forward. We chat about things like how to establish routines that center self-care, what burnout looks and feels like, and defining what aspects of our lives are making us happy, and what parts are holding us back. I'm your host, Dr. Joy Hardin-Bradford, a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia, and I can't wait for you to join the conversation every Wednesday. Listen to the Therapy for Black Girls podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you get your podcast. Take good care, and we'll see you there. Something that makes me crazy is when people say, Well, I had this career before, but it was a waste. And that's where the perspective shift comes, that it's not a waste that everything you've done has built you to where you are now.

This is She Pivots, the podcast where we explore the inspiring pivots women have made and dig deeper into the personal reasons behind them. Join me, Emily Tisch-Sussman, every Wednesday on She Pivots, as I sit down with inspiring women like Misty Copeland, Brooklyn Shields, Vanessa Hudgens, and so many more. We dive into how these women made their pivot and their mindset shifts that happened as a result. It's a podcast about women, their stories, and how pivot became their success. Listen to She Pivots on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. When you find that bright spot to help you get through your day, it's powerful. That's where The Bright Side comes in. A new daily podcast from Hello Sunshine that's bringing you a daily dose of joy. I'm Danielle Robé. And I'm Simone Bois. Listen, both Danielle and I are reporters. We've covered the news, and we know the world can feel heavy. But the Bright Side podcast is a space to have a little fun, to learn something new, and get into some friendly debates. That's right. Join us five days a week to see how life can look from the Bright Side.

We'll hear from celebrities, authors, experts, and listeners like you. Whether it's relationships, friend advice, or figuring out how to navigate life's transitions, we'll talk through it all together. Listen to The Bright Side from Hello Sunshine every weekday on the iHeartB Our Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast.

And this goes back to another reason why people feel burnt out in dating. 20% of people said they feel a pressure to present themselves in a certain way. And I think this hits very closely to why I partnered up with Match. And what I really found was I wanted to create a space where people could connect based on their values. And this was really, really important to me because I feel that everything I'm saying here is because we don't realize that our core values have such a big impact in terms of long term success. If you ignore core values, you're thinking in the next five months. If you take on core values, you're living in the next five years. And for anyone who's interested and invested in building a long term, long lasting, powerful relationship, this mindset is huge. 93 % of match members say that shared core values are a crucial indicator of relationship success. Now, this helps connect. It helps not have to present yourself in a certain way. It helps you be yourself and be your authentic self. It goes back to the point I was making that if you're only trying to hope that you come across as interesting, then And then you're not getting to share your values.

But if you're sharing your values and allowing for what happens to happen, and I think that's the key, the draining part is performing. Rehearsing is not as draining as performing. If you're practicing a good conversation, if you're learning about yourself, if you're learning about the other person, if you're curious to get to know someone, you can actually learn some amazing stories, you can learn some amazing things. But if you go there and you go, this person is or isn't the one, not only have you put pressure on yourself to perform, You've now put pressure on them to perform, and now you have pressure to present yourself in a certain way, which makes it a draining process. And I know it's scary to put yourself out there because you're thinking, well, what if this person doesn't like me and they tell other people, whatever it may be, to me. The truth is, when it comes to the person you end up with, it won't matter. It really won't matter. I promise you, when it comes to someone who really connects with you, it won't matter. And so if you want to know your top three core values, I want you to head over to www.

Match. Com/quiz. Go to match. Com/quiz. Take the quiz. It will only take a few moments, and you'll get the answer to your top three values. Now, the reason why this is important is because it helps you guide what you're looking for. So often what happens when you meet someone on date is you experience the halo effect. The halo effect is because they went to a good college, you believe that they're really smart when it comes to love. The fact that they have a feature, a physical feature that you find attractive, you now believe they're more trustworthy. We do this all the time. We ascribe and give people qualities and attributes that we don't know that they possess yet. Whereas when you know your three core values, not only can you present and share them, you can look out and try to understand their values. And by the way, someone's values are what makes them valuable as a partner. When in a relationship, you're really sharing values and vision. Do I like the way this person looks at the world? And even if I don't, can we have a great discussion about it? Because we have good values of respect, of honesty, of openness.

I find so many of us miss out on great relationships, or we cause ourselves future pain because we don't know our values today. The reason so many of us deal with people treating us poorly or accepting disrespect is because we didn't figure out their values early on, and we didn't figure out our values early on either. I want you to try this quiz, www. Match. Com/quiz. Take it because it will really save you so much stress and so much burnout in dating. Now, even though a lot of people may say that dating apps can be challenging, Forbes Health Survey found that individuals, 39 %, actually felt more confident using dating apps. 33 % felt more attractive, and 24 % felt more wanted as a result of them. Now, these are all positive signs, especially being burnt out from dating. It's a positive sign. And one of the reasons why we put the values feature in app match was to help give you direction. I think one of the reasons when you're using lots of apps and it's all about trying to be interesting and interested and all the rest of it, it can become quite overwhelming.

So my recommendation is use one app. The burnout part is using too many apps and staying in the conversation zone. If you stay in the conversation zone, as we said, you have lots of chats going on at the same time. That's the exhausting part about dating. So choose one app and focus on having one one conversation at a time. Truly do that. Try that out. And I know people are like, Spread your bets, work it out. Well, you'll be much better at knowing that something is complete and finished before you move on to the next. It's almost like if you've got three or four conversations going on at the same time, you don't know which one is going where, and you don't have the presence to know whether something's just finished and over, and you're leaving something that should be complete, open, and open-ended. Now, on a typical day, Matches research found that 39 % of singles feel lonely lonely, including 58 % of Gen Z singles. And of those who typically feel lonely, 25 % reported that this is a chronic or lifelong issue. Similarly, 25 % of singles feel that they are lonelier than their peers.

And when it comes to third wheeling, 16 % of singles say spending time with couples makes them feel more lonely. Now, a lot of people have a different view about that. But here's the thing. Nearly one in five young singles feel that loneliness has increased their drive to date. And 55 % of these young singles feel excited about dating. So it's really interesting that we feel more lonely when we're with couples, but that can actually be a drive to date more. So there's two schools of thought. One is stop hanging around with couples, hang around with singles. The other thought is, hang around with couples. Figure out where they went wrong. Figure out what mistakes they made. Figure out how they felt about their partner when they first met. Figure out what questions they asked. Figure out what dates they did that work. If you're around someone who you know is in a healthy, happy relationship, no relationship is perfect, ask them questions. Now, I'm not saying that your love story is going to go the exact same way. But chances are there's going to be a few tools and tips you pick up. And this is what it always comes back to for me, study, don't envy.

We get so lost in envying what people have, and then we hope that we get the same thing rather than turning that envy into study and saying, Hey, where did you have your first date? What were your first impressions of each other? How did you get beyond that when you felt there was no chemistry or connection? I would actually argue that if you spend more time around healthy, happy couples, you're more likely to get a desire to date and get insights on how to. Whereas if you're surrounded constantly by all your single friends, you're actually hearing about all the negatives of dating. You're hearing about how everyone's burnt out. You're hearing about how everyone else doesn't have something going for them, and they're struggling. Now, I'm not saying to change your friends. I'm not saying to ditch your friends. What I'm trying to say is when it comes to making this work, there has to be a certain curation about what you hear about dating. If all you're hearing is negativity, guess what? You're going to turn up with no positivity for your next date. Are you going to put your best foot forward? Are you going to come as your best self?

So what's really fascinating about this is the MAT survey says that what makes a first date worthy topic. Whether someone has kids, 72 %, whether they're divorced or separated, 65 %, and whether they drink alcohol, 59 %. There's a real thirst now for transparency and compatibility. People don't want to waste time. And so often we feel so almost like interrogators if we're asking these questions. But when we can bring them up in natural conversation, even by self-sharing, and I think this is a really important point, we often want to ask important questions to someone, but we're not practicing self-disclosure. Self-disclosure is the ability to say, Hey, you know what? I went sober a couple of years ago, and my ideal night out or my ideal evening is X. Now you give the other person an opportunity to share what their ideal evening is. I think talking about an ideal evening, an ideal vacation, an ideal day at work, these are great conversation starters because it allows for imagination, it allows to see what someone's focus is, It allows to see what someone's priority is, asking people how they spend their time on their weekend. I think one of the reasons why we get bored is we keep asking the same questions and we keep answering the same questions.

Now, it's funny because I go on a lot of podcasts, I do a lot of interviews, and I can feel that way often. I get asked the same questions and I answer the same questions. So even though I'm not dating, I get a sense of what that may feel like. And one of the ways I think about this is, how can I answer the same question in In a different way? So if someone asked me about my sister or my siblings, which I only have a younger sister, how can I talk about that in an interesting way, in a fascinating way, in a new way? Do I want to talk about something that recently happened, a story that we shared, an experience we had? Do I want to share about her wedding last year? What is that? How can I become more interested even in what I'm sharing, rather than say the same thing back? And how can I ask more interesting questions? People become more interested interesting when we're more interested. People become boring when we're less interested. Ask better questions, be truly curious, and be open about your own experiences. Be vulnerable, share so that you give someone the opportunity to open up.

Now, here's my power list of what to do. Number one, set a ritual of when you use the app. A lot of us are using the app all throughout Of the day, we randomly pick it out. No, set a ritual. This is my present time to use the app. It's going to be every evening at this time. It's going to be every morning at this time. Whatever works for you, set a ritual of when you use the app and time box it. Number two, set a ritual for when you go out for a date. You've got to treat dating like a job. Maybe it's every Friday you're going out, every Thursday, every Tuesday, every Monday, whatever it is, once a month, twice a month. It needs to become something where you're getting out of the conversation and messaging and moving into real life. Number three, choose something you actually want to go to or a place you'd like to go to. A lot of us settle for the same places and do the same thing. No wonder you're not going to find someone exciting or feel like you're drained because you're going to the same place.

Pick a spot that you wanted to go to for a while. Don't save it for a special day. Allow for this to be something that can be entertaining to you and be fun for you as well. Number four, stop Stop making every date carry the pressure of the one. If you walk into a date and go, Is this person the one? Chances are they're not. And now you feel really drained and bored. Go into it going, I'm going to get to meet someone new, and I'm going to get to practice, and I'm going to get to learn and understand how to connect, and I'm going to go and have a good time. Number five, think about the next five years and what would make it better, not just five months. What I mean by that is we're often thinking, Well, will this person be fun for the next five months? Versus, will this person actually become and let me become the person I want to be in five years? And chances are that may not be the person you're attracted to in the beginning. Six, prepare for deeper conversations and self-disclosure Seven, prepare for the date.

Think about why you're dreading it. Is it because you're scared of being rejected? Is it because you're tired of saying the same things? Well, then prepare for it. Don't say the same things. Don't focus on whether you're rejected or accepted. Focus on if there's a connection. And if you're not finding a connection, that's okay, too. Use it at a place to understand and learn how you can have better conversation. Number eight, you don't need to talk about every day again and again. I see this as being one of the reasons why people are truly drained from dating and burnt out is because they talk about a bad date again and again and again with all their friends. Let it go. Move on. Date again. I actually think if we didn't overanalyze every single your day, we wouldn't be as drained. It would be far easier to move forward. I really hope that this helps you date again. I highly recommend you go to match. Com/quiz to take our quiz to learn about your top three values, and I really hope that assists you in your next step in your journey. Thanks so much for listening.

Remember, I'm always rooting for you, and I'm forever in your corner. Hey, everyone. If you love that conversation, go and check out my episode with the world's leading therapist, Lori Gottlieb, where she answers the biggest questions that people ask in therapy when it comes to love, relationships, heartbreak, and dating. If you're trying to figure out that space right now, you won't want to miss this conversation.

If it's a romantic relationship, hold hands. It's really hard to argue. It actually calms your nervous systems. Just hold hands as you're having the conversation. It's so lovely.

You don't put those inside of you, do you?

This is a show about women. I mean, you do? Yes. Finally, a show about women that isn't just a thinly-vealed aspirational nightmare. It's not hosted, not narrated. We're just dropping into a woman's world. I found out when my dad was gay when I was 10, we were in a convertible on the 405 freeway listening to the B-52s. Looking back, I should have said, This is gay. This is already all gay. Listen to Finally A Show on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Parents, if you've ever experienced bedtime battles with the kids, I'm going to let you into a little secret. The Koala Moon podcast has revolutionized over 20 million bedtimes, with parents like you calling it life-changing and the perfect night time routine. With original kids' bedtime stories and cozy sleep meditation, generations, every episode has been specially designed to make Bedtimes a Dream. Listen to Koala Moon on the iHeartRadio app on Apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. The Black Effect presents Family Therapy, and I'm your host, Elia Connie.

Jay is the woman in this dynamic who is currently co-parenting two young boys with her former partner, David.

David, he is a leader. He just don't want to leave me. But how do you lead a woman? How do you lead in a, you just asked the most important question. Listen to Family Therapy on the Black Effect podcast network, iHeartRadio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you get your podcast.