Hey, everybody. It's a podcast. It's Smartless, and you have hosts, Sean, Will, Jason. Here it comes.

Here it comes. Here again.

Welcome to Smartless. Oh, yeah. Welcome to Smartless. Smart. Life.

Smart.

Life.

You know what I said to Scotty yesterday?

I said, you know these- Can we guess? Can we guess what you said to Scotty yesterday? Sure.

Well, you go first, I'll go second.

Did you touch my sprinkles? Okay, do you have a guess?

I'm still writing it, but it's somewhere in the Star Wars, Star Trek fight canon.

No, I said to him, Concept cars, they-Shall we put a love seating the toilet? No, I said concept cars are such a waste of time because they're such a tease. They're these really cool cars, and they never make them. It's like, why don't they just make them?

Sometimes they do, and they take pieces of them.

I feel like that Tesla super truck, whatever the hell it is, it looks like an absolute joke rolling around the road.

You mean the douche identifier? Douche is the guy. We had a feeling you were a dick, and now it's confirmed.

Yeah, it looks like a silver '80s tank or something.

It's just so distracting. I love it because you do get to see you're like, Where are all the douchebells? They're there. There's one there. Then you can just stay away.

It does look like a concept car, and then they went to production on it. It's like, Oh.

It's the dumbest.

But some of the concept cars that all these companies make, they're so cool. Then you're Okay, well, where do you get one of those? And they never make them.

Sure.

It's like couture.

Oh, sorry, Jason, go ahead.

Well, so what they do in the fashion world is they'll go ahead and they'll make stuff just for the fashion show. This Henley, for instance, can't be found.

Jason, I'm going to, and Will, please come by, but you're going to be in New York. Amanda and Maple are coming over for dinner next week. What? Wow. Yeah.

God damn it. What night?

Wednesday. Come I'm over.

I'll be gone by then.

Wonderful.

Jay, would you say you're at the cutting edge of fashion, by the way? Because I noticed you wearing some rag and bone jeans, which reminded me of 2011, and I thought, Here's my guy.

Listen, things are great back here in 2011.

Anyway, listen, we could do this forever all day, and I'm sure our guest is just riveted by what we're saying. I can tell you something that I am. I'm riveted when she's performing. I am riveted, and by riveted, I mean generally laughing the entire time. I think it's so rare or it's so special when a performer comes along that just constantly... Every time you see them, they exceed expectations, and then they just surprise you with their comedy. She is somebody who makes you laugh from moment one. So it's not Cher. Then the next time, it's not Cher. She makes you laugh in ways that you're like an end. She has that unique thing also of every time you hear a joke, not only are you laughing, I'm thinking, I can't believe I didn't think of that. It's so brilliant. She keeps topping herself. She's had a million specials. She had a new special. Sorry?

What color is her hair?

You'll see. I was going to guess. She has a new special that just came out on HBO Max or whatever they call it on May 11th. But she really, really rocked herself this year in the ultimate roast of Tom braided. You guys, it's the none other than the most hilarious Nikki Glazer. Oh, my God.

Nikki Glazer. There she is. Good morning. Hi, guys. Wait, are you in the- What an intro. Are you in the back of a coffee shop?

Where are you? She's watching on a huge- I'm at the Comedy Store podcast studio. Truly? No, really? I'm visiting LA, and I wasn't going to fuck around with you guys. I wasn't going to trust my WiFi at my hotel. I needed a real studio. This is the real deal.

You're not an Angelino?

No, I live in St. Louis.

You moved back to St. Louis full-time?

I did. I did. I went back during COVID just to hang out with my parents and my family, and then it lifted, and I was just like, no one even knows I'm here. I can just go to LA, and people in LA think I'm in New York, and people in LA or New York think I'm in LA.

Isn't the crime rate huge there?

Yeah. In in certain parts.

All right, wonderful.

Sean, combing the internet for- I just read that about St.

Louis.

We have the highest crime, but it's really- That can't be true.

That's got to be a per capita qualifier.

Well, Nikki, what's the number one crime that's going on there?

Probably carjackings and murder.

Car jackings and murder.

Well, I guess that's alarming.

It's not errors at third base. You got that Nola Nareando over there. There we go. Good for you.

Yeah, but you just got to avoid parts of town. But it's a segregated city. It's not the greatest for that. We still have issues in St. Louis.

Can we revisit my lesson on Kansas?

Kansas City. St. Lutte and Missouri.

Yeah, because I was so ashamed by it. I went into a blackout, and I don't really remember what I learned. Just real quick. No, Jamie, don't do this to yourself. No, it should be fast. Kansas City is in Kansas or in Missouri?

It's Both.

It straddles the border between the two states.

Is that correct? No, I thought there were two separate ones. No. You see?

No. Wait, I think there's two separate. Wait, I don't even know.

But they're next to each other. They are.

They are. They really- Everybody sounds gray on this just like me, so I'm not so dumb. It's confusing. I don't know if it's one that's separate, but I know I think they're separate. They have to be separate because they are in different... You can't have a city cut in two.

Can you not? Maybe you can. What about Minneapolis?

Wait, what? It's not up there. It's not up there.

Okay, so it says... I just googled it. It says it remains two separately incorporated cities.

They're right across from each other.

Say it again, Sean.

It says it's two separately incorporated cities, but together, along with a number of other cities and numbers, as part of the Kansas City Metropolitan area.

Yeah, Separately incorporated?

They're next to each other. But is there a picture of it, Sean? Does it straddle the border? Let me see. Yeah. If so, where- Partially, there's a river in between them, and then partially, it just goes right down state lines.

But it's- One has the Chiefs and one has Meth.

I don't know. I can't tell.

One has Meth, one has the Chiefs. Well, wait, who has the Royals?

I think that's... Wait, Missouri claims that. They're both Missouri.

Missouri has the Royals. Wait, no, it's Kansas.

I think Kansas has the royals. It's Kansas City, Missouri is the one that everyone knows about. Kansas City, Kansas is next to it. It's not fair.

Right. So Kansas City, Missouri is for the Chiefs. Kansas City, Kansas is probably for the Royals, correct?

I don't... Is that true, Sean? Oh, boy.

It's on the border. I can't tell. Can I tell you something right now? I never learned how to read a map.

No, they both play. They also play in Missouri, just for what it's worth. They all are in Missouri.

It's Missouri, yes. It's on the other side. St. Louis is on one side and Kansas City is on the other. I did get started in comedy in Kansas City, so I should know. I went to school in University of Kansas, but I don't know these things. Oh, you went to Lawrence? Yeah.

Okay.

That's not Kansas University, though, home of the Jayhawks.

No. Wait, no, it is. University of Kansas.

No, it's University of Kansas.

But they say KU. It's not a thing makes sense where I'm from. Everything's all fucked up over there. I don't really like... I got to get out of there. I'm guessing everything.

Hey, guys, can I just take a poll?

You mean this podcast?

Do we feel satiated on this? Do we I feel good? Yeah, I feel good about it. J.

B, how are you? I'm still a little confused. I'm going to do a separate Google later.

Okay, go ahead. Nikki, obviously, we want to get to the roast because it's interesting. You've talked about it ad nauseam.

You must be so I'm not getting sick of it. Well, it's not going to be boring to me because I haven't seen it yet. Me neither. Okay.

Oh, really? Okay, good. I saw it. You were incredible. It was hysterical.

John, the before I first met you was on the Rob Lowe.

No, but I made a big impression. It was the Alec Bal That one, clearly.

Oh, yeah, the Alec Ball one, yes.

Okay, sorry. You said, One of the funniest jokes about me, and I still repeat it today to friends. What did I say? You said, It was delivered perfect. You said, Sean Hayes, oh, my gosh, Will and Grace was the best you could do.

I love this. You recycled that joke. You did? Yeah, because that's a good one that you can just use for anything. Use for anybody, yeah. I talk about... I have a bit about my boyfriend, and we break up and date other people. Then I look back at him and I just think, oh, my God. After dating all these guys, I'm just like, he's the best I can do. I've realized that I've recycled that one. It's a good joke.

Yeah, that works. But I fanned out on you backstage. I just think you're hysterical.

When you fanned out, that meant a lot to me. Well, thanks.

But it's true, these roasts, they become a place to discover people, but I feel like you were already discovered. But for some reason, this last one, everybody acts like they found you. But it's Nikki Blazer. She's been around forever, and she's been brilliant forever. What did that feel like to be like, Wait, I've been here. What are you guys all talking about?

I didn't feel that way. I was like, Yeah, I've never been like, When is everyone going to notice? I really just take what comes to me, and I never really want to fight for people to care about me. I want people to care about me on their own time. I've been like, Okay, when they do, they do, and felt pretty relaxed about it. But this was... I mean, it was insane. It was just an overnight thing that I never expected would happen in my career. I've always expected it just to be very slow and gradual. I liked the level of fame I had achieved. It's comfortable. I'm not that recognizable. My life isn't disrupted by it ever, but there's some perks to it.

But now it's changed.

I went for nothing, and I'm just good. I can say no to things if I want, but now it's like, It was a huge bump overnight. I'm sure you guys have experienced that in your careers as well. It's just more people.

I've had a lot of bumps.

He's had a lot of bumps. He took a lot of bumps.

Sometimes I put them all together and make a nice fat line. Sure. I remember the days.

Nikki, do you find now you're at the airport and people are like, roast me, burn me?

They don't say that, thank God, because it would be so mean coming out right away. Sometimes I will go there, but no, thank God they don't do that. They just say, Did we go to camp together? That thing. Where do I know? Because I usually look like shit when I'm traveling, so I don't really look that recognized. I don't buy that. I really do not look the same.

I always steal that line that Dax said years ago, and I use it all the time. People go, when they have that moment of confusion, they go, I think I know you, and I go, Yeah, I used to work at subway around the corner.

And they go- Because everyone's frequented a subway.

Yeah, and they're like, Maybe he made me a sandwich. Yeah, maybe this is the guy. It seems old to be working in the subway.

The reason I've never seen a roast, I think, is because I- Too cringy. Yeah, I get so tight because I think that poor person is going to have All these very good-natured jokes. They're hard-hitting jokes, but everybody knows the game here is that we're going to say nasty things about. But for the most part, that person doesn't know these people. Where do these I just don't know how that goes down okay for the subject.

I think you can opt to not be a part of it. When you opt to be a part of it- You can say no to it, sure. You know that- It's consent.

But can you say no to being there? Basically not be attending your funeral effectively. No. You have to be there.

I think you have to be there. You have to be there.

Yeah, that'd be weird if you're like, Hey, let's just have a night where we shit on so and so. Knowing that he's at home going like, What the fuck? Although it would be pretty funny.

Yeah, it would be good. But then the person has to pretend to laugh the whole time and pretend to be okay.

Your feelings do get hurt. You can go in thinking, Oh, they're only going to go this far, and then they go further. I know I've seen it happen where they don't plan on you going there. They just think- That's really the only way to get to the huge laughs, too, is when it gets super uncomfortable, right?

Of course.

I went some places on the Tom braided roast that I thought other people would go to, and they didn't. I was the only one that said those names or brought up those subjects that were sore for him. It is crazy. I've seen old roast clips of... I don't like to watch myself, so when I'll come up on my own feet, I'm like, Get out of here. But when I was preparing for this roast, I was like, Okay, try to channel what you've done in the past. You got to watch what people like about it. I just do it, and then I don't watch it again. I'm just like, Watch it again and see what you bring to this, because it had been four years since I'd done one. So I watched one, and I was like, Who the fuck do you think you are saying this to people? You told Alec Baldwin all this? I just didn't recognize this girl. I'm like, She's got balls, but she's also a psychopath. I couldn't believe that I did it, but I was like, I guess I have to channel that again. Tom Brady's just set in your periphery a little bit back enough that you can't really see him when you're performing.

It helps. Does anybody know if any of these roles have ever gone wrong, where the subject just says, Whoa, whoa, whoa, fuck you, and gets up and leaves.

I read the Tom braided thing, right? A little bit. I just read a little blurb. Was he upset? Do you know?

Yeah, I think he said that he, in hindsight, regrets it. I don't really... He's glad he did it, but he didn't know that we would go some places. I don't really know how he feels about it, but I totally see what he means because I think you go into these things thinking that you just don't know what people will dig up about you and see in you when they study you and look at your face that way.

But no one's ever gotten up and stopped it in the middle of it and just left and just gotten pissed.

I think there was one joke at a Comedy Central one where it was about I was like a Paul Walker joke that Ludacris was there, and he's friends with him, obviously, and he got up and walked off stage. But they cut it later. I think there was something like that that happened.

One of my favorite was, I don't know what happened to her. She was so funny. Lisa Lampanelli. She was really funny. She quit. She quit, yeah. Did she? Really?

What happened? She does self-help talks now, so she's a motivational speaker now, but she got out of it because she was like, It's too mean.

Yeah, it's tough.

It's tough, right? She was funny. But she was one She was one of the best. She was one of the best. One of my favorite jokes that she said during the roast of William Shatner was she was going through his credits and she goes, remember Tevo? Before DVRs, there was Tivo. Yeah, we got it. If you liked something, it would suggest other things. She goes up there and she goes, Yeah, William Shatner. I tried to Tevo T. J. Hooker once, and Tivo suggested I punch myself in the cunt.

See, that's great.

That's a great joke.

You can handle it. It's been off the air for a while. You can have some distance.

Right. Hey, Sean, was Scottie just in a violent rage throughout the whole William Shatner roast? He didn't watch that, right?

No, he watched it. Yeah, he enjoyed it. He wasn't happy about it. Betty White was on the panel, and she got up and told really crass jokes. It was so funny to see Betty White tell crass jokes.

Yeah, I love that. One of my From one of the early ones that was on Comedy Central years ago was something about Andy Dick. I forget who said it. It might have been Jeff Ross. I wouldn't fuck Andy Dick with B. Arthur's dick. Is that what it was?

Yes.

It was a fucking great-It was something like, yes. And then they cut to B. Arthur like, what?

Yeah, the reaction shots are always the best. That really sells it, too, is that you got to have the person that you're making fun of when they're cutting to them live. That really will make or break what people thought of your joke. If they're laughing along.

We'll be right back.

All right, back to the show.

How did you first get... Were they just like, Hey, listen, who's got a really shitty disposition? Nikki Glaser. Let's get her in here. She's really mean to people.

Yeah, it started early. I remember I wrote jokes for people who were doing The Rose early on, and then I did... Jeff Ross had a show called The Burn on Comedy Central, and I had a show on Comedy Central at the time, so they threw me on that, and I had a really good showing on that. I just knew it was a place that I would really Excel, and I needed to prove myself to Comedy Central for them to even consider me. I worked really hard to do that TV show, and I did They did a great showing. Then people don't really want to do roast. It's like, they probably asked Whitney Cummings that year. They asked Amy Schumer, and then they... Natasha Lajero, and they probably didn't want to do it. So they called up me, and last minute, you get booked a week before and you go, okay. Then you have a good one, and then they ask you back the next time. Every time I go, I don't know if I want to do this because it's so much work. I would always have a mental breakdown right before it and think, what am I doing?

I'm going to bomb and cry and have panic attacks about it. I don't know if you guys relate to that where you would say yes to things. Then you do them and you go, I'll never do this again. J.

B, tell her our rule that Matt Damon taught us.

What?

Which is I thought it was Ben, actually.

You should apply this. Well, it was Ben who told Matt, but he said, If somebody asks you to do something, and you can start using this from this moment forward, Nicki, if somebody asks you to do something- Like two months down the line. He's like, Six months, come and show up at this thing. Say to yourself, ask yourself, Would I want to do it tomorrow?

Oh, that's so good.

If you don't want to do it tomorrow, say no.

It's unbelievably effective.

You know what? I would even though, I would go, Do you want to do it now? Sure. Because even tomorrow, sometimes I'm like, I'll be different tomorrow. I don't know. But yeah, that's such a great... But this, though, I need time to prepare, so I don't know how to answer that. I always want to do it because I'm like, The exposure, the potential of it, and then you get in it and it's destroying my relationships, destroying my life. It's making me self doubt all the time. Then it's over, and I'm like, That was the greatest. I can't wait to do it again. Then everyone in my life goes, What do you mean you want to do that again? But this time around, I actually implemented a system where I was happy the whole time, and I know how to do it now, and I can't wait to do it again. But the three before destroyed my life.

I totally relate to that. Obviously, none of us, the three of us, is a stand-up. But anytime I'm asked to go and host something, a charity thing or whatever. So much work. A, it's a lot of work. But B, every single time I do it, I become a bigger and bigger grouch leading up to the day, leading up to the moment, and I'm in the worst place. Then you do it and it works, and You're like, That was fucking great. Everybody in your life is like, Fuck, man, you were a dick for the last two weeks. Yes.

It's the dread. Every time. People have told me that no one hates what they are going to do more than you all the time. Then when I do it, even when I'm on stage with a microphone, having the time of my life, unless I'm like, something's totally wrong. But as soon as I'm performing, I'm in it, I'm doing great, but dread constantly up until that moment. I think that It's just the way it goes.

Nikki, do you allow yourself to think? Because you were saying earlier that you're really happy with where you find yourself. You've got an amount of relevance that you really enjoy, but also a nice amount of anonymity where you can go to the grocery store, et cetera. Do you allow yourself to think forward a year, five years, 10 years? Do you allow yourself to think about goals and stuff like that? Where do you want to go? No.

I want to ask you guys about it, too. Do you have goals or do you just keep saying yes to things as you go? And see where it takes you. Because I just say yes to where it takes me. If you look at my credits, you see that I say yes to a lot of shit.

We do a lot of switchbacking.

We don't go right up the hill. This is for another podcast, but I'm a freak about goal setting and writing them down and all that stuff. You are. For years and years.

Are you teasing a new podcast right now? What's the new podcast?

This sounds exciting. Can we be a part of it? Are we producing it with you? No, no. Sean, Sean is a task master. He's just like, our joke is, if an email comes to the three of us about some business thing, within 12 seconds before he thinks of his answer, he's responded.

Yeah, I like to just check it off my list. I don't like to have anything in my inbox. Me, too.

I have an absolutely clean inbox. Really?

I need 24 hours to think about it.

I'm not answering you. Then someone needs to text me, Hey, you need to respond to that email.

Yeah, that's what I do.

My email has just moved to texting.

But, Nikki, the goal-less thing, since I'm like, 22, 23 years old, I've been writing down goalless, and their stream of conscious goalless. I'll write down on paper, I'll go, one, two, three, and I'll just number it as they come in my head. There's the stupidest things. Like, I got to lose 5 pounds. I got to visit my mom more. I got to make it. I got to connect with this person about this project.

You can cross that one-off. Yeah, exactly.

My mom passed away. My mom died four or five years ago. It's hilarious.

Anything in there about your dad's license plate?

I didn't say it wasn't sad.

Yeah, I know. It was very sad. But we got to laugh.

I'm just saying that's one less thing that you have to do.

But anyway, so I would do all these things, and then at the bottom, I put lifetime goals. This is like when I was 22, 20 there, I'm like, I want to host Saturday Night Live. I want to be a David Letterman. I want this blah, blah, blah. I went to therapy like years ago, and he goes, Don't tell me a catastrophe happened. I go, What? He goes, They all came true. I go, Every single thing on my list came true. That's I got real depressed because it was bad. Because then what's the point? What do you do next?

What's the point of living?

Do you make new ones? Yeah.

Then- Buy a rope, buy a chair. Find a beam. Find a beam. Throw the rope. A stirred beam. Throw the rope over the beam. Kick the chair out.

Regrett it immediately. Try to get the rope off to no avail.

Regret it immediately. As I'm doing it, I'm still checking it off. I'm not going to get the rope off.

Try to yell to Scotty, but my windpipe is- With your toe on the desk. By the way, I noticed Sean, something about the way that you described. You sounded like you were from Brooklyn. You go, Since I'm 22, since I'm 22 years old.

Anyway, and he said the most obvious thing in the world, but it isn't obvious until you hear somebody say it. He was like, Well, you just got to make new ones. I was like, Oh, yeah. I guess I just got to keep thinking.

Then I've been trying to manifest stuff, and I'm doing these manifest meditations where it's like, just picture your life with the thing you want. Feel that it's already happened. Then you drift off to sleep and you try to get the feeling, not that you're doing the thing, but that you live in a world in which this is what you do. It's already happened. What is he?

Esther Hicks?

What is his his name, Neville Goddard. Neville Goddard. That's how everyone says his name on the YouTube. But yeah, please help.

Yeah, no. Here's a crazy story. I have really fast of these guys. Let me tell it. Fuck, man.

Are you going back to back?

Yeah, and then that's You're on B2B?

You're on B2B already?

B2b. I thought we left you on the beam.

You did not know how to take a hint?

Left you on the beam.

Still writing my goals down.

Just the sound of a rope.

Anyway, when I was a kid, I was obsessed with this show, Soap. Do you remember the show, Soap?

One of the great syndromes.

In the opening credits, when they used to rehash the whole story of the show in the opening credits over and over every week. They would say, These are the Tates, and these are the Campbells, and blah, blah, blah, blah, and this is Soap. So these are the Tates, these are the Campbells. The Tates were the rich family, the Campbells were the poor family, or the lower middle class, whatever. The Tates, they would show this establishing shot of this beautiful house, this brick house in this gorgeous neighborhood. I was like, Oh, my God. I grew up shit, shit poor. Nothing. Everybody knows my story. Then I was like, I would race to the TV every week to watch that opening. I was obsessed with this house. About eight, seven, eight years later, Scottie and I had a few to drink and we're going on a rabbit hole on YouTube of old openings of '80s, '90s, '90s, sitcoms. We saw Jason's, we saw whatever. Facts of Life and whatever, The Hogan family and Dallas. So far, yeah. All of them. I was like, Oh, Scotty, we have to YouTube the opening credits of soap. I was obsessed with this house as a kid.

We open it and we're like, These are the Tates and these are the Campbells. The house, right behind mine.Oh.

My God.No. No.

I swear to God.

This stuff is real. That you can- When I was a child.

The manifesting things. But so then, Nicky, if you're manifesting, then you are allowing yourself to dream a little bit of the future, yeah? Yes. What does it look like?

That's what I'm struggling I like the way things are. I have an apartment. I don't own a home. I'm like, You know what? I should own a home. So let me just visualize the home I'm in. Then I think about, We got to get these cabinets redone. Then I'm like, Oh, I got to call someone. I'm living in it. Then I go, I got to call the landscaper. There's so much work that starts happening. I go, I don't want this house. Take me back to my apartment. I just really like the way things are now. That's great. But I have goals of- That's okay. That's totally fine. I love that. Snl, I think, is a good goal, hosting SNL. That's a great goal for a celebrity person. That's going to happen in the fall.

That's happening in the fall.

It's happened, right? Yes. I think it's happened. Have they approached you? I think it's not yet, but there's been talks. There's whispering. Yes, they should get you. I think that's imminent.

There's no way that it's not happening. But just knowing how that shit goes and what's out there, there's no way that they're not asking you this fall.

Absolutely. Thank you. Okay, so it's happened. That's already manifested. I don't know what's next. But what about Will and Jason, do you guys goal it up?

I do. I keep an eye on where I'd like to maybe be headed towards, but it's not that specific. I just want to be challenged with stuff that is right at the edge of what I'm able to handle. I know that there's going to be a day soon where I'm like, Fuck this. Th throttle back and just relax. I know that's going to come. So while I'm actually When you're feeling this fuel, why not let it go?

Feel exactly the same way. Drive towards it.

I think that's good. I do the same thing, Nikki, that you do, which is... Sometimes I do it super consciously, and I actually set out to do it, but I do the same thing of manifesting, and I find that I do manifest in real-time most of the time. It's been super, super, super effective for me. I don't know why.

I think I did it. That's why when I was in high school, I I used to just tell my friends, I used to be obsessed with Dave Matthews, and my friends all were, too. I would say, I'll just meet him someday and I'm going to tell him how I feel. They were like, How would you meet him? I'm like, Well, I'm going to be famous. They were like, What? I remember their incredulousness of that I thought that. It was so obvious to me that that was going to happen and that I'll be in his sphere.

I had the same thing about Letterman. I used to think when I used to watch Letterman at night when I was a kid, in the in high school, and I'd watch them at 12:30, and I'd think, I bet you Letterman is going to think I'm really funny. It worked out. He does. It worked out. Of course, he does. Yeah, that shit. Maybe that dumb confidence of youth? I don't know.

But Nikki, do you want to pursue... I know you've done tons of acting stuff, but is that important to you to pursue that lane as much as stand-up and everything else?

Yes and no. I think that's what I started pursuing initially in high I was like, How am I going to meet Dave Matthews? I got a kid. That was my real goal of being on TV. That's the only way I could be in as his sphere. When I met him, I said the word sphere several times. I tried to be in your sphere. It was Really embarrassing.

Well, where did that... Were you living with... Was your family super encouraging of your humor? And was mom and dad funny? Were your siblings? Where did Where did that confidence come from? That like, Oh, if I think of something funny, I should share it because that usually works out?

That did not come until way later. I was like, Okay, I'll be an actress. I was not getting the parts in school plays, and I didn't even go to a theater school. So it was like, I was getting Townsperson B and stuff. I was getting feedback like, This isn't for you to act.

Townsperson, not even Townsperson A.

Always B. I would think I would get the lead. Then I'd be at the bottom of the list, and I would cry. Then I go, Oh, I guess I'll go do field hockey. It was terrible at sports. I was like, didn't really... But I was so depressed that it wasn't going to work out. I auditioned for theater school, didn't get in anywhere. I was really like, I guess I'll just have to kill myself. I really was thinking that because what's the point of living if you're not going to be on TV and performing in some way? But I had no way to do it. I just thought acting is the only way. I had no idea there were other things. I didn't even look into it. I knew I couldn't sing or dance. What did your parents do? My dad's in the cable business, and my mom was just a homemaker. They were always supportive. I come from a really funny family, and they have great taste in comedy. I was always consumed. My dad introduced me to Konan when I was in eighth grade, and I was like, You got to check out this show.

Then That changed my life. Seinfeld, I was obsessed with, and Friends. I loved comedy, but I wasn't... Standup didn't do much for me. I just wasn't even paying attention to it. Then I went to college, and I was Long story short, I had a terrible eating disorder because I was pretty much like, I just want to die. My life sucks, and nothing's going the way I want it to. I have to go to college and figure out what I want to do for a living, but I don't want to do anything except perform, and I'm not good at that. Everyone tells me I'm not good at it. I was taking voice lessons to be a singer, and my voice teacher took my mom aside and said, This is a waste of your money. She doesn't have it.

I was getting the voice teacher sent to my mom.

I was getting the voice teacher sent to my mom. I was so discouraged. Then I just got an eating disorder that I was like, Oh, I'll just die of this. I really wanted to. I was really slowly just dying. Then I was hospitalized. It was right after high school, and I was going off to college. I was hospitalized over the summer, and then I needed to get out of there. So I lied. I was like, I just got to go away to college, and then I can die off alone without people monitoring what I'm eating. Oh, my God. Nikki, this is awful. It's so sad. It's so sad. But I really was like, What's the point? I just didn't know what the point of life would be if I wasn't a performer. Because I also wanted... I feel like my parents really pay attention to TV in a way that I always wanted to be paid attention to. I think that's why I wanted to get on TV was that even though they love me so unconditionally, I just didn't feel it the way that... I was just a very sensitive child. Anyway, they're great parents.

How did you overcome that moment?

How did they prove that they loved you?

Sorry, go ahead. They proved they loved... They're still working on it, but I have theories that they do. But the love seems to amp up a little bit when I bring them the Tom braided roast and have a show. There's a little bit more of text messages from my mom of, I've always loved you. Like, final...

Okay. But wait, that's really... What an interesting...

More than your father does.

Waiting to tell me until now.

We will be right back.

Now, back to the show.

Nikki, what an interesting story. How did you overcome that enormous hunt from high school to college?

You just touched bottom and then just- Well, I was ready to fucking go. Every night, I would be like, Please die in your sleep, because I was just hungry all the time. That breaks the heart. You know what it's like to be hungry, Jason? It's like,.

Now, she's going. Look at that. She's cooking.

It's your fucking time. You dabble in the Eats. It's not enough, though.

In the E. D.

I was waiting for that to just end it because I was cold all the time. I was hungry. I looked insane, so I couldn't really make friends because everyone's just like, this girl is like a skeleton who looks so weird and looks so briddle and I was about to die and my hair is falling out. I'm at my freshman year of college. I don't have any friends, and I need to make some. I think I just turned up my personality a lot just because I looked so crazy that I needed... The only way to make friends was to be larger than life. I started being funnier. It just was an adaptive trait.

You made yourself funnier.

I did because no one would like me otherwise. Then all of my friends, I got friends because it was funny and really outgoing. All my friends would say, God, when we first saw you, we were like, Who is that girl? Then we forgot that you looked like that because people would go to my friends and be like, We're really worried about her. They'd be like, We don't even know what you're talking about. Because I did really just overcompensate for how sick I was with my personality. That's when people started going, You should be a stand-up comedian. Wow. Once I heard that, I go, Okay, what's that? Okay. I knew what it was, but then I googled it, and I saw Sarah Silverman, and then That changed my world. That was like, Okay, I'll just do that.

I was going to say, what was the thing that inspired you to, as you said, turn it up? What was the thing where... I know your hair was falling out. It was you rock bottom? Yeah. But what made you- I didn't want to be made fun of.

I wanted to be the first to make the joke about how thin I was or what. I wanted to be so extraordinary, my personality, that no one would notice how scary I looked or how concerning. I think that was it. The fat kid in school can be the class clown. I had never experienced that before where My looks made people talk about me and whisper about me and make fun of me. I always just in high school wanted to just disappear. I didn't want boys to make fun of me. I just was so scared of any attention. I wanted attention on stage when I told you you could. But I really was like, people from high school are just like, You are a comedian? I didn't make big waves in high school. Then when I turned it up, that's when people started telling me that. Then as soon as I looked into it, I was like, Oh, of course this is it. I'm writing comedy. I love comedy. Then acting, the thing I found hard was being someone else. I really think it was just I was always trying to run away from who I was, and I finally found something that celebrated.

I could say the weirdest things and the darkest things that I was ashamed of in do a microphone, and then people like me more because of the things that I hate the most about myself. Oh, yeah, but it's honest. That was really cool.

It's honesty. It's that sense. Yeah.

Which is the reason that mental illness exists is because people aren't being honest. That really helped me heal in a way.

But you But the one thing that you did not generate overnight was, you're obviously really smart. That is something that you probably saved you in the end from a lot of stuff was that you're not a dummy. You're really bright. By the way, you lost Sean when you said hungry all the time. Sean looks so confused. What do you mean?

I'm never hungry. I'm never hungry.

You found then that the thing that was bumming you out internally was actually material, and that is it actually becomes an asset to you, and that vulnerability is one of the huge keys to comedy. You got to pull your pants down a little bit. There's nothing funny about no problem.

Just say the honest thing, and people can't even believe you're saying it because most people aren't honest at that level. Whenever I'm on stage and I'm trying a new bit and it's not going well, and I've lost the audience and they know that I know, my trick for that is just to stop and just say the honest thing.

Yeah, because it's so healing and you can't lose.

You just go that bombed, and you guys don't like me anymore. Then they laugh.

Also be revealing, too, in that way and be vulnerable. J. B. And I have often said there's nothing funny about a six-pack. In You know what I mean? It's just not fucking funny. Exactly. Who gives a fuck?

Look how quick Will Farrell takes his shirt off. It fucking works every time. I fucking love him for it.

But that's the struggle, though, because I also want to be hot. Listen, We're all funny, but we all care about looking aesthetic- Look at this, Henley.

Did you get a good look at the Henley?

I've heard about this, Henley. Look at that, great.

Did Amanda buy that for you?

She did.

It's good. But yeah, we all care about what people think about how we look. Then people go, But you're funny. You don't need to care. It's like, well, it is a part of it. Honestly, I'm being honest when I say I'm insecure about my looks, so that's still part of it for me. I can't help that I do care about my looks, even though But you don't need to.

You're not a mother. Stop saying that. Everybody does. Everybody does no matter what job, and Sean's right, you are super cute. But think about it this way. Because of the very nature of what you do, people comment We live in a world now where we see those comments and we hear that stuff so much more readily. So, of course, it makes sense that you'd be... When people say that... I remember years ago, some friends from Toronto had grew up with it. They're like, Oh, fuck, Willy, all you actors, you guys just care about how you look. I'm like, Yeah, because everybody's talking about it. When you do something, they go, Fuck, you look like shit.

By the way, I got an on-camera job.

I got an on-camera job. People go like, Fuck, man. That guy, Arnett, looked like shit in that thing. You're like, Oh, thanks a lot, man.

They will say in the comments, it's insane that there are comments under every single clip or video or picture that is of you. David Spade told me a while ago, he was like, You know back when I did the Hollywood Minute during Weekend Update. That was the only time celebrities got mocked mercilessely for a minute. That was the only time that celebrities were being made fun of ever because it was just all- Stern used to do it a bit right before that.

Right.

Okay. There's two outlets for it, and now it's all people do.

I will say, I like the way that you've offset it. I was going to bring this up before when you talked about that you moved back to St. Louis. We had somebody on recently who moved back to the Midwest, and it's made me long I don't know why recently, I really longed for not living on either Coast. I've had this dream. It makes me feel good because there is something- Small town. Yeah, a little bit.

There's something- Yeah, but what's that quote? It doesn't matter where you go, there you are. You're going to feel the same no matter where you go.

I agree.

That is true. I'm not looking at it as a remedy for how I'm necessarily feeling. I'm just talking about my day-to-day experience. What do I want that experience to be?

Your environment, yeah.

You just want to get carjacked a little in the Midwest. I want to be in the Midwest. Desperate to be. I get what you mean. Well, the reason I like it is because if I'm in New York or LA, I can do a set every single night, and I can feel like I'm not doing enough. I could be doing a set tonight and getting stronger, and I could be doing a podcast. But in St. Louis, there's nothing much going on, so I feel like it's just an escape. I'm a workaholic, and I lock up my liquor on the Coast, and I go, and I can go get it if I can get a key and deliberately go get it. But it's not just waiting for me in my room in St. Louis. I'm away from work and don't have to drive myself crazy with it. I can forget that all that stuff matters. When you really are in New York and LA, You get sucked into the machine of like, you got to do more. It's not enough, and comparing yourself more, even though they're all waiting for you on Instagram to compare yourself to, I feel it more here, which is good sometimes.

When I was doing the roast, I was like, I'll go to LA for a month and a half before that to get in the zone of competitiveness and running my set every night and feeling like I'm not enough and needing to prove myself. But I couldn't do that in St. Louis. I couldn't just fly and do the roast. I would have come with this Midwest ease. I needed to come in strong and insecure.

What's your day-to-day What do you like in St. Louis then, if you're not working?

Like, wake up, I go into my podcast room, which is next to my bedroom, do a podcast. Then I go to a Pilates class. Then I go to Starbucks and pretend to write. Then that whole thing where you open up your laptop and then you just- That's a whole thing that I love.

I love you working.

You guys are too famous to do that now. That's the fame I don't want to be, is where I can't go to Starbucks still and just sit in a coffee shop. Here it comes. It's coming. I got to really enjoy it while I got it. But I just sit there in an online shop, and then I go back home and play my guitar a little bit. Then I go to a voice lesson. I'm still trying to be a singer, so I just... Yeah, and then I go hang out with my parents, hang out with my niece and nephews, and then- That acting desire, you said, or it just atrophied way back when, and there's no desire there at all? No, there totally is. I think that it would be so fun to do it. But it's-Yeah, I bet you'd be great. Being on set is really exhausting and boring sometimes.

Being on set can be very boring, exactly.

But- And on the road is easy for me. I don't even have to think about it. I just walk on stage.

But also just the creative difference of an actor has to fit lines that were written before they come in. So your job is to fit a pre-existing character and line. As a stand-up, it's the total opposite. You are already there, and then you're writing lines to fit you.

That's what I like about it.

Yeah, okay.

But what about the... I always wait till the last second for everything. So that doesn't work in acting. You can't be just binging your lines right before and memorizing it. I'm sure sometimes that is the way it has to happen, but there's a lot of preparation and forethought that goes into being an actor and preparing. I feel like as a stand-up comedian, as long as I'm just showing up as myself, I can get the job done. I don't like a lot of review. I don't like a lot of rehearsal. I don't like to critique myself because then I start to see the flaws. With stand-up, I'm just like, I could just be in a conversation with someone and be talking about something really sad and crying and then walk on stage and do it and then walk off and get right back to it. I don't have to get in a zone. It just seems like a lot of work. Now I would get jobs where I'm acting against people like you guys who have been doing it so long and I'd feel like I'm not good enough and their self doubt would come in.

Well, we'd be judging you. You should.

Sean would have a spare rope and chair for you if things went wrong.

Always standing by.

Yeah. Well, I think you could do whatever you wanted, and certainly now you could, but you probably always, I suspect you always could have.

Yeah, leave yourself open for all of it because you seem incredibly dynamic and well suited for all opportunities.

I would love to do it. Yeah, I'm so happy for your success. I want to see you doing more stuff. You're so naturally funny and so funny What I also love about it is, well, maybe you do on some of your podcasts and stuff, but you don't seem to have fallen in the trap yet of a lot of stand-ups who seem to be obsessed with talking about breaking down stand-up, which I'm like, fucking enough. I'm so bored by it. I've Some of these older stand-up- Isn't it awful? I'm like, Shut the fuck up. Who cares?

Who do you think you are?

Who cares? Who the fucking cares? What does that mean, breaking down stand-up? You mean talking loud about it?

The science behind it?

No, the science behind it. What they think about stand-up and how they do, and they only talk to other stand-up. I'm like, Shut up, man.

Who fucking cares? Don't apologize for a joke and cancel culture. I'm just really not that interested in that stuff either. I think that we like to pat ourselves. Every artist likes to pat themselves on the back. They change the world. Some of it does, but I just, I don't know. I just fell into it and it fits me, but I don't think of it as stand-ups are above other. I think sometimes we have to think that because we feel so less than, and that's why we do stand-up, is because we didn't fit in any of the other ones.

I can see that, but all of us are just out here trying to figure it out. When people start breaking it down as though we're a process and as though we're a science. Anyway.

When people ask me about the process, it's always like, How do you write it? I think it's the same for most comedians. It's just you say something funny in conversation, and then you go, Oh, I should maybe do something about that. Then you take out your phone, and the conversation comes to a halt, and everyone waits for you, and you go, Wait, exactly how did I say it? Then you ruin of the moment. Then I'm in the wings of the show before the show, going like, What should I do tonight? I'm sick of my act as it is. I'll look through and I go, Okay, maybe I'll throw that in. Then it just happens on stage, but it's a lazy room.

But you're super funny.

I'm doing the only thing I've ever been good at.

You're the top of the game. Honestly, I could just watch you do stand up all the time. You're really awesome, and you're very generous to have come here.

Someone who's been a fan as long as I have to see you finally get this recognition. It's awesome. Yeah, for sure.

It's really awesome. Being on smart This is a huge deal to me.

You guys are so- Oh, yeah. You've done a huge favor.

Thank you. A bunch of clowns.

Fucking funny. And your show was so good. And talk about vulnerability. I mean, that's... But that's what we... Don't we all want that from our celebrities? I've always just wanted to see how they are. I used to love the stars are just us things. I used to really do love that. And that's what I think podcasts have given us, is that conversational quality, and we get to really know you. And some actors stink, and they're not interesting at in conversation. But you guys, you're so fucking funny.

You're infectious. You're very, very clean, honest energy coming out of you is really- Oh, thanks.

We're drool in moments. You're funny.

No, you guys are hilarious, all of you. Thanks, Nikki. It's so good to see you.

So good to see you, too.

Thank you. You, too. Yeah, thanks, Nikki. Oh, my God, Nikki Glazer. Nikki Glazer.

Thank you, guys. Thank you, Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Have a great rest of the day. Bye, sweetie. Bye.

How great is Nikki Glazer?

That was super fun.

I'm embarrassed to say that's my first experience with her. Wow, what a force. Only my second. I'm a huge fan of hers already.

Yeah, she's amazing. She's super amazing.

She's really cool. I love what she said because even on here, she's just brutally honest about everything and how she feels and her opinions. I think that's what people are drawn to.

She's got specials on Netflix that I can immediately pull up.

She's got a special on HBO and Comedy Central. Dude, she's an absolute just like, comedy mega star.

Yeah, I'm really taken by her.

And not just because of her level, but just also how funny she is. She is profoundly funny. So good. My buddy, great Bob Castron, used to work with her, too. That's how he really turned me under about five years ago. He was like, Nikki Glazer's the funniest. He wrote with her for a long time.

I bet she would be great in movies, and she doesn't need to act.

She'd be amazing. Act.

Yeah, I know. It's like five people that act. Most of us just play versions of ourselves, and I'd love to see a million different versions of her. Yeah. It should be great.

I agree.

No, she's a really nice, which is so funny because she does these roasts, which can be so super cutting and stuff, and she's actually a super nice, kind person. Yeah, she's cool.

Sean, do you have a bodyguard?

Sean, are you frozen? What's going on?

I'm It's just trying to shuffling through by ideas.

It's so fucking- Look at the worst poker face.

Sean- Look, I wasn't. I was just biding my time.

Why would you waste it? Wait, did you just barely float that one up there?

Why did you waste it? You were like, all of a sudden, you were in a coma.

No, I was by eating my time.

Yeah, but- What's happening?

Bye.

Let's cut and re-roll. That's a good one. It's very good. I just wish you would have just owned it instead of-I was setting you up.apologized for it.

Why didn't you just...

You're just sitting there and we noticed that Sean- Were you looking at your list?

He was looking at a list that he had on his computer of buys.

Yeah, a little stand by. I just...

Yeah. Guys, I I'm going to find that to know.

Fucking fuck. What is happening? This is a nightmare.

Will, can you take us out like we should? You got anything?

We just had two good ones.

I actually do have a book, a book of all the great buys that I want to use, and I call it my Bible.

Okay. That'll do. We'll see it the next one.

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