Welcome to our new feed.

Hello.

Do you think if we went back in time and we told the people living there that there'd be podcasts and feed if we were like, what does a feed mean to you?

Back when?

In, like, 1910?

Oh, okay, got it, got it, got it.

If we take a time machine to 1910, there's a lady there.

Our female ancestors are there.

You say, hi. You know, you say, I'm Liz. I say, I'm Monica. She says, wow, you guys are dressed really inappropriately. Yeah, we're sorry. We're from the year 2024. And she says, prove it.

Yeah.

What would you say to prove that you are from the future and you're not just a crazy person?

I feel like just based on how we present, it would be obvious, but.

She would be like, you're just crazy. I'm calling. Well, they don't have phones. When did they have phones? I don't know.

Alexander Graham Bell.

To Graham Bell. But when was he canadian?

I'm almost sure.

I don't think so.

No, he is. Stop claiming. No. Cause we have. Okay, wait, I need to. Do you. Siri is Alexandra Graham Bell Canadian? Question mark.

Leading the witness.

Scottish canadian scientist, engineer, teacher, and innovator. He's half.

Okay, but where's he from?

Okay. Scottish born, but like, oh, my.

Okay.

But in 1870, his family emigrated to Canada, so he's. We claim him. Immigrants get the job done. Like, we are a melting pot.

You take what you can get.

A year later, he moved to the United States. He's just like me. He's just fucking a deserter. But wait. Okay. Do you think that in 1910, you know how we have fifties parties and sixties parties and, like, mid century parties? Do you think that they have 2024 parties? Like, futuristic parties? And then we look the part, and they're like, you guys are just going to a party. You guys are just dressed up.

They didn't have future parties. If we had 1950s parties in 1910, they had 1820s parties, but we had futuristic parties. I've never been to a futuristic party.

I feel like that was the whole y two k thing. It was like, we're dressing up as the millennium. Like, we're gonna inhabit the futuristic reality they were about to. Or, like, the Jetsons. They probably have shows, and then they're like, you guys are going to a costume party? And we're like, no, we're actually from 2024.

I think you're overestimating the lady who we're gonna ask what her name is, and she's gonna say, ellery that is her name. And then we're gonna say, oh, my God, we have a podcast. And then she's gonna shoot us with her rifle, for sure.

I actually respect. I kinda like dying that way.

If we said, do you know what a feed is, Miss Ellery? We'd have to call her Miss for sure, or else she would say yes. It's what you give chickens.

That's what it used to mean.

That's, I guess, what it means on farms.

It's feed. That's a noun.

Chicken feed.

Okay. Okay.

You know, it's like what you throw out and they eat. It's their food.

But you say chicken feed. You don't just say the feed.

Well, if you asked her, like, let's role play. Are you comfortable being Ellery? I am. Miss Ellery.

Miss Ellery.

Knock, knock, knock.

Oh, hi there. Oh, I don't know how they used to say hello.

Hi. Hi. My name is Monica.

I know that hi has stayed.

You're right. It stood the test of time.

Yeah.

Well, what do you think?

There's no one for us to call. You know how we call people during the show? Like, I do wish we could call someone who is alive in the 1910s and we could just check in.

Cause I'm trying to think about love letters. No, they would say dearest in a love letter, but in person. I mean, I'm trying to think of old movies, like Lincoln. I feel like they would say hello.

Yeah, someone should do a brand study on hello.

Just on the word.

On the word. Like, it has never lost its vibe and shine and importance. It's always been relevant, like, it made me sneeze.

This revelation is making my body freak out.

Okay. Multiple sneezes.

Yeah. All right. Hello.

Hi.

My name's Monica. This is my friend Liz. We don't want to scare you. We are from the future. We are from the year 2024. What year is it here? We just landed here.

It's 1912.

Wow.

Yeah.

Okay, well, we have some questions about the past. Okay, we'll circle back on the word hello. We want to get to that soon, but I'm just wondering, what does feed mean to you?

You mean feeding the chickens?

Sure, if that's what it means to you. I don't want to lead the witness. That's a phrase we say in 2024 is a courtroom term.

What's a court? Oh, I guess courtrooms did exist. It's a courtroom.

It's not a good role play.

I feel like we should have gone the other way.

I set us up poorly for this, but I think we can end it. I think we can end it while we're not ahead.

Well, we're on a high. Yeah. While we're peaking. If you could go to any time in history, have we done this?

When would you go?

Yeah, when would you go?

We haven't done this. I'm not a person who feels like I belong in an era. You know, some people are like, I'm meant to be in the 1920s. They have that vibe and energy. I don't have have that.

You are your own era. Wow. It's true.

That's really flattering.

You would be unique no matter what century you'd live in.

I would go back to, I mean, the.

No, I was gonna say forties. You do like, your soaps and your ribbons and your. I don't know, you have, like, a.

Certain, like, oh, like, esthetic.

Esthetic.

I think I wanna wear, like, shoulder pads. I wanna. Maybe in the seventies or something.

Shoulder pads are eighties. Eighties.

Okay. Well, I barely missed it, but I don't think I would ever wanna go back in time to when women were repressed and brown people like, you know, I only have so many options for.

Sure, but wouldn't you love to be, like, a radical at that time? Wouldn't that be kind of.

Okay, that's true.

Like, when I saw suffs, I was like, that must have been so cool.

Okay, I picked that. I picked suffs era.

The suffragette suffs was cool, the outfits were cute.

What era would you go back to?

I have a lot of different. I'm definitely inclined towards the eighties just for the fashion. I think everything was so funny in the eighties. Everything was so ridiculous. If you see anything happening in the eighties, the music videos, the hair, the clothes, it was so extra. And, like, being extra was cool. No one was like, why are you doing that? That I really identify with. And I loved the eighties so much. I had a moment when I was in high school where I was, like, very, very obsessed with the eighties in an unhealthy way. Me and my friends would just buy only eighties clothes, perform eighties. Like, we discovered it, and then we went full on. So identify with the eighties. But I feel like the seventies, on a soul level would have been exciting.

You feel seventies to me.

Yeah. Activism, young people going on strike, being against the war.

Also your outfits, you wear, like, bright colors. You wear bell bottoms.

I do.

You have a seventies vibe.

Oh, that's nice.

Yeah.

Thanks. Oh, wait, I heard this crazy thing. My dad's obsessed with our lineage. Like, that's all he does is drawing the tree and, like, trying to figure out all the people that we are, like, remotely related to and then reaching out to them. And then they never email him back because he sends them, like, super long messages with all these details about their third cousin. They never met, but one of his cousins did come to Montreal to visit, and so we were talking with him. This is why I feel like we've done this, because I did it with him. He's a historian. So I was like, what's your favorite era? And he was like, the middle ages. And I was like, oh, right. I was surprised. And he was like, you know, the middle ages get all this bad rap, but it was actually super progressive and, like, an amazing time in history. But because the people of the renaissance were so like, you guys are losers. Like, we're better than you. We have this very dark telling of the middle ages when it was actually a very forward, progressive era.

Really.

I know, it blew my mind. Basically, the next generation always kind of talks shit about the previous ones. That's true. But in that case, it really stuck. A lot of amazing things happened, obviously, in the enlightenment era, but they thought they were so much better that they kind of lied. I just have this image of, I remember going to, like, a museum, and my dad was like, look, this is what they would, when they would throw their shit in a bucket over their terrace or whatever. They would say gardy Lou, like, gare dallot from French. It means, like, watch out for water, basically. Oh, watch out for the water. And I remember we kept saying guardy Lou, like, whenever something was a little not classy. And then he was like, no, the sewage systems were actually super advanced, but they demeaned people. So I feel bad.

I didn't even know that we were defaming a huge era of time because, yeah, people say, like, what are you from, like, the middle ages? If they have old school thinking?

And we say that they were stinky and had bad hygiene. No, but again, apparently it's all relative. Yes.

Compared to now, George Washington's teeth are some. In some museum. It's horrific. His dental hygiene was just disgusting, and he was the president, so it wasn't a fragrant time. And I mean fragrant in a positive way. It was a pungent time.

Well, they're gonna look back at us and be like, disgusting.

What do you think? They're gonna. I mean, not about, like, politics and stuff, but what's gonna be disgusting about us esthetically or hygienically?

Right. Teeth definitely have gotten better. We advanced a lot. I don't know when they invented the toothbrush, but that was, that was huge. And then, honestly, whatever. It's been fine since then, but it kind of plateaued.

Well, no, no, no. Root canals, cavities. Like, dentists. Dentists are doing a lot of work.

Dentists will be so mad. I mean, I'm so sorry I said that, Liz.

I don't want to bring this up, but dentists have a very high suicide rate, and it could be because no one understands their accomplishments.

Right. And I just perpetuated that I contributed. I love my dentist in New York so much, and I just want to say that once I came in, I was supposed to go to, like, an event. It was like 04:00 p.m. on a Thursday or whatever. She's like, yeah, I'm going to take out your tooth. One of your wisdom, too. Like, you don't need it. And I was like, I have, like, an event I have to host later. Like, she's like, you'll be fine in 2 hours. She did it. But literally, in and out, five minutes.

A wisdom tooth?

Yeah.

Stop. You have to go under Anna's.

No, that's how much she is.

I don't say her name because this is so bad.

It was not.

Did she do anesthesia?

Yeah, local. But I was awake. I felt it. I felt her go in there, and it was out. But then I, look, I had another. Oh, now we're just gonna defame. But I did have a bad dent when I got my. So I got two out the normal way. Yeah, when they.

Surgery.

Yeah, surgery. Oh.

Which is what it is.

But when he took them out, he dropped them in my throat. In my throat. And then he was like, whoops. And then got it back, and that was worse. See, like, she did it. She cleaned it up. She was in and out. It was.

He told you he did that?

No, I felt it.

No. You were under anesthesia.

No, no, I wasn't local. I was awake. You were down, like, of course. Like a cat at the veterinarian.

No, like, anytime you go under, like.

We do, you were under, under.

Normally in America, you go under anesthesia for wisdom teeth removal.

I don't think everyone does. I think they judge you based on your character.

Oh, come on. That is such a lie. Oh, wow. We're gonna get deep here. Do you think you're more tolerant to pain?

No. I'm so sensitive.

Yeah, less. You forget what we did during race to 35 and the shots.

I couldn't do my own shot.

You couldn't do it. That's fine. That's very common. All I'm saying is, are you sure it wasn't just like a molar or something?

No. Because you can't just take those out. That's weird. Just taking out a two. Why is that weird?

And wisdom teeth aren't weird. Wisdom teeth are embed. Well, depends. Mine were embedded or impacted or whatever. So they were under.

Okay, some, some. Oh, are. I don't think mine were. I think that's a different. We just figured it out.

No, you still have to.

I mean, both him.

Drop it down youre.

I felt it. Yeah, it was like, in my tonsil. I was like. And then he took his little tool and took it out.

This is a disaster.

But the second time that didn't happen, and it was great.

Did you have to do what we had to do in America, which is like, you basically have to syringe after you eat for a while into the little hole that the tooth was in?

Definitely not. I will say the first time I had this crazy infection, oh. They were like, this happens to point where it hurt. Like, the first day for two weeks, it never subsided. And I just remember going to the bar, like, I was working at the bar, and I was like, I feel like I'm unconscious. It was so painful. And I went back and I was like, hey, ran out of your painkillers because I'm in so much pain. And like, oh, you're still in pain? That's weird. And then they're like, oh, yeah, you have this crazy infection. So they fixed it. Or I took these antibiotics and I was fine. I mean, now looking back, that first guy maybe had a few cocktails before he did a few mistakes.

This is where healthcare gets tricky, because we want healthcare for everyone. We do. Me and you, for sure. But I think this is one of the negatives.

But I've had so many positive experiences. This is one experience, like, throughout my life, living in Canada, I'm trying to think if there was another. I have had good experiences overall.

I cannot believe they did not put you under. Weigh in in the comments if you have had your wisdom teeth pulled and what the condition you were under.

So you were knocked out?

Yeah, I was under anesthesia.

And then you woke up and it was gone over like our egg freeze, right? Totally. I don't know anything, but that's a big thing to do. And there's risk to putting you anesthesia, so if they think you're tough.

No, that's not how it works.

Again, I think my teeth were sticking out again. Why did she not knock me out the second time to a different country, different doctor? I think there's something about my situation.

That is so weird because it's not like they're like, oh, you're a baby, you can't take it because otherwise they would do it for, like, root canals. They would do it for other procedures that are in the mouth that are really painful. They don't do that, but they do it for wisdom teeth. We need a dentist. Dentist. We really appreciate you take care of your mental health.

I mean, it's probably our fault if they.

It's your fault.

You know who are the happiest, though? Hairdressers.

The highest level.

Yeah. I mean, when I was studying happiness ten years ago, it might have shifted, but hairdressers were the happiest. But then, you know, I got my hair cut a couple weeks ago. As you know, for the first time in five years, I was on my phone because I was finishing emails and I was looking around and a lot of people were on their phones. And I asked her, I was like, what percentage of people are on their phones? She actually was like, well, not everybody, but, like, maybe half or something like that. Do people still feel like you're their therapist? Like, remember, it was, like, so common that your hairdresser knows everything in your life. And I feel like that's now less of a thing. And I think people must be less intimate and less talkative. You used to just talk for an hour. And I do wonder, does that mean also that they're less happy? Because they're not.

That's interesting, because you think their happiness came from connection and talking to new people and meeting new people in community. I could see that. But I could also see that maybe the reason they have high happiness levels is because they're the best part of someone's day.

Exactly.

Because people are excited to get their hair cut. Often they're coming in and they wanna change. They want a new personality and you get to give that to them. That's true.

My guess is that's at play. The opposite is the dentist. Like, I'm going to the dentist after this, which is so St. It's so weird. I swear to God, it's in my calendar.

Creepy.

It's so weird. But I obviously am not looking forward to going to the dentist.

Yeah, no one wants to go.

Usually with the hairdresser, there are only positives that can happen.

Well, going back to branding, like the middle ages, haircuts had a great pr agency, because a lot of bad shit can go down at your haircut. Actually, I would say most people, when they leave their haircut are probably like, yeah, I don't know, but it'll grow back into what I want.

And you lie.

You lie to yourself.

No, you lied to the hair. Oh. No matter how ugly it is, you're like, I love it.

High level of codependency.

Codependency. And so they never hear.

They think they've done a great job.

Even when they haven't.

And dentists are the opposite. Like, ow, it hurts. And they're like, well, it's your fault. You eat candy every day.

You're not flossing. So now it's gonna hurt, and now it's gonna be, like, my fault, but it's actually you. Yeah, they're dealing with a lot.

Do you floss? So honest?

Look.

Me either.

I got a stern warning, though, from this dentist. And then kind of the one before, when I had my invisalign, the guy was like, dude, you really got a floss? Because, like, you're starting with Tart. What is it in English?

Tartar.

Tartar.

No, that. Wait. Yeah. You have a buildup of tartar. I think it's Tartar. Okay.

I don't think we should google it. I think we should just.

I'm googling till Tartar. Yeah, Tartar.

Plaque. Plaque. That's the word. See, tarter, they rebranded to plaque. Plaque sounds better. Okay, so floss. So I didn't. I definitely was not. But, like, I identified as someone who did, but I wasn't. You know, every day I thought, I'll be someone who's flosses. And then the moment comes, I'm like, I am going to bed. Morning, flossers. That's weird.

My flossers. Morning, Annie. Night. He's so diligent about his gum.

Helmdez, what would your life be like if you were a morning flosser? What else?

I think everything would fall into place. Like, it would be perfect. Same bed would be made. I would be waking up probably at six, fully rested, no alarms, meditating every day, getting an exercise, but still having time to relax and breathe. I would never. I would definitely not be drinking alcohol. I wouldn't want it. I would be sugar free. This would all be the case if only I flossed in the morning.

All your bails would be paid on time, late, or forget an appointment, never.

Get a parking ticket.

Yeah, maybe we should try and be morning flossers for a week and see what happens.

Are you want to commit to this?

I can. I mean, you're the one who didn't commit to meditation at all.

I know.

At all.

It was your idea. I know. I've done it once since that day.

Oh, how did it. What happened?

It was good, but I just didn't do it again. I should, but I didn't.

Did you try the one I sent you? No. Maybe I didn't say it to you, actually.

Yeah, I don't think you sent it. I think it was on TikTok that you sent it. And I don't have TikTok.

No? No, it's YouTube.

YouTube is gonna be tricky, though, because I don't want to watch it.

I put it as audio. Okay, but we should floss in the mornings. And I get. That's so intense. There's so much work.

Do we have to do both, or can we just do them? Morning.

I think just doing morning is like, you don't wanna be that person.

Cause that's. Who's that?

If someone is just flossing in the mornings, we need to call you.

You don't think one is better than none?

I would be like, what's going on?

You're like, I can't date you. If you found that out, I don't.

Think I wouldn't date you, but it would be something I would tag and be like, I'm gonna look for more weird stuff.

Cause you think maybe it's, like, psychopathic. They're trying so hard to be normal, but they've messed up.

It feels like you are actually a robot and you're pretending to be a human again. Love you. If you floss in the morning and at night. But if you're only flossing in the morning, that feels like. What's going on here?

Okay, so we have to floss both morning and night.

I think we should.

Okay. Starting tomorrow.

Okay.

Tomorrow morning we're gonna do it.

I'll tell my dentist that.

Are you scared to go to the dentist?

Yes, because I've been bad. I've been bad. And when I travel, I'm worse because I'm like. I'm traveling. Like, it's like an excuse, you know, to not reach into my toiletry bag, which, by the way, was eaten alive by an airline.

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Yeah. And it can be like, I don't know, intimidating to go in person. Or again, you don't really know what you're getting. And with blue Nile, I mean, if you have questions, they have jewelry experts that are on hand 24/7 you can talk to them on the phone or you can chat. And whether it's like technical questions to budget suggestions, because sometimes, again, you come into those stores and you're like, oh, can I even talk about what I can afford? You can avoid that by doing blue nile, and they'll help you find a piece that you can feel great about, whether it's for yourself or for someone else.

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We love Vega more.

Both of our hair is looking really good right now. I got a little trim, which I needed badly, but, I mean, I went so, so long without it. I think because I've been using Vega more and it has been keeping your hair growth for so long, so fast.

I know you're the best ad for Vegamore. It's incredible.

I don't know how they're doing it because there's no parabens, there's no, like, bad crap in it, and yet it really works.

I mean, it's done such a number on my eyelashes and my eyebrows. I notice when I don't do it, which is like, so rare with a product.

Yeah. And so the hair product that's amazing is the grow plus advanced hair system. And that is how you get these long locks, just like Monica. And keeping them healthy, it reduces shedding by up to 87%, which is huge. Otherwise, my hair is all over Los Angeles. It's everywhere.

That's how I find you. I'll just follow take on the most advanced approach to hair wellness with Vegamore's new grow plus advanced system. Learn more@vegamore.com that's vegamour.com synced code synced to save 20% off your first order, vegamour.com synced code Syncede did I send you my photo of my bag? Did I not when I lit, did I miss it? I flew back from the DNC. It was waiting for my luggage. The first bag was normal. The second bag, it's like, it had been in a tornado event and then re taped together.

Oh, no.

And there were things. The toiletry bag inside had been like. It was so comically funny. It was so discombobulated that when I showed up to the delta counter and he was like, ooh, it's pretty intense. Like, you have to submit receipts, but they do reimburse you.

That's good. They should.

I wonder what I know.

What do you think happened?

I think it went into one of the wings, one of the engine things. Cause it looked like it been.

Was your stuff okay?

No, nothing was okay. Stop. Everything was destroyed.

Your clothes?

Well, it was my second bag, so my suitcase was fine. All my clothes, but it was all my toiletries. I had, like, yeah, a bunch of. All of my supplements actually did survive. Have you ever had a baggage event?

It's been lost.

Do you get it back? It's very scary when that happens.

So scary. I have anxiety.

Me, too.

Baggage claim anxiety is so real every.

Time when, like, everyone's leaving and you're just still there, and then they're like, when do I give up?

Exactly. At what point do I walk over? I keep hope for so long.

Me too long.

And then I always walk to each other. Carousel first. Oh, that's. Maybe somehow I was at the wrong one the whole time. You know women. We're always blaming ourselves.

Truly gaslighting. All right.

I can't wait to hear about what happens at the dentist, what they say to you.

How are you feeling post birthday?

I feel less anxious post birthday about my dwindling days, because also, it's a very, very busy week at work, and so I think I just haven't had time to focus on it, which is nice.

That is nice.

Sometimes you just distract yourself.

Sometimes I have so much anxiety, and I realize, oh, I just had too much time. Too much time to think about everything. Yes. Instead of doing things.

That's why hobbies are great.

When we did our hot girl hobbies, I was like, I'm a new person. I'm gonna floss at night. I'm gonna do all these things, meditate. And I have really not kept up my guitar.

I've also not written anything since then.

So I gave you a notebook, but not to pressure you.

I felt pressure, so I moved it into a different room. I didn't wanna be reminded.

You don't have to look at you. I know. My guitar looks at me every morning, and I'm like, I know I'm gonna watch tv tonight.

Speaking of the bag, this guitar and this notebook. I do wish we could talk to inanimate objects. Same. And hear their stories. They've seen so much.

There's this beautiful David white poem about how, like, you're never alone. Like, everything is. And it's like the kettle is listening to you. The floor is holding you. When I listen to it, I go to another planet, and I'm like, wow, I have to think about this more often. But it's sort of like, in the beauty and the beast, the teapot comes to life. It's like, how do you bring that to your daily life? Maybe we should give them names.

But I think, for me, having some separation is not a bad idea. Like, getting too attached to stuff. Yeah. I already am fairly attached to stuff, and I think my work is to get less attached to stuff.

Oh, okay.

But I do want to know about their lives, and I want to know what happened to that baggage. That baggage really went through a lot. And we don't even know.

We don't even know.

We don't ever know.

Now I'm.

Oh, gosh. Okay, well, well. Pivoting to something not sad.

Okay, we got.

Which I'm sharing now. You don't know this, but we got the very best compliment ever. Yesterday, we were finishing recording armchair, and I was walking out of the attic, and Delta screamed. She was at the pool. She screamed, monica, I need to tell you something. And she got out of the pool, and she was in our clothes, fully closed, and she walked over and she said, you know Freddie, she has a really good friend named Freddie. He's an extremely cool kid. And I said, yeah, of course. And she said, well, we had a playdate, and I got in his car, and his mom was listening to you and Liz's podcast, and I was so flat. Wait, that's huge. I know.

This is Freddie, like, the really cool kid?

Coolest kid.

Whoa. His mom must be the coolest.

Obviously, whoever makes Freddie is the coolest.

Yeah.

But also, Dax said Freddie's mom is really cool, too. Thank you for listening. If you're listening.

Oh, my God.

Currently Freddie's mom. I've never been more flattered in my entire life that Freddie's mom listens.

I love all the moms that we've collected. I feel like that's two moms in a row.

It's high praise. My mom, if you are listening, please turn it off.

Oh, my mom's not listening.

I can't have her listen to this. We talked about our kinks, our cakes. Kinks.

Oh, yeah. Well, that's why I can talk about anything. Cause it's a safe space. My mom will never.

But you don't think she's secretly listening?

No.

Sometimes I wonder how fun you think. I'm telling you right now, you are not allowed to listen to this. If you respect my boundaries, you will turn it off.

Do you think your mom ever read your diary?

No. At that point, she was not interested.

Oh.

She wasn't that interested in what was going on with me. And she didn't have a reason to be. Like, I wasn't acting weird or I wasn't doing anything that was sounding off any alarm bells that would maybe make her want to read it to find out information.

Well, 100% my mom, Snoopy.

And so why do you think she's not listening to this?

Literally, what you just said, she's not interested.

You think it flip flopped?

Yeah. Before she didn't know anything. She wanted to know everything, and now everything's on the Internet. I think she's inundated.

Slash.

I don't think she likes that.

I do that.

Or like, it's very counter to her personality podcasting everything my entire life.

Do you think she wouldn't like this?

She doesn't like any of this. Once I was, like, 14 years old, were stopped on the street in Montreal by, like, a reporter who was like, what do you think about this? Bill 101, whatever. And then he says, I just need your name. And she fully gave a bold face pseudonym lie. Like Phoebe in French, where, like, she's been using it for years. Like, this is not a new thing. Regina Phalange. And then walked away, and I was like, what just happened? And she was like, I'm not giving my real name.

It doesn't like exposure.

Yeah, she is a very private. She doesn't even really want me to post photos. They're very low key, and I'm. This is not low key. Talking about your sexual kinks on kind of the opposite. How does your mom feel about what you do?

They're just happy that I have created something that is sustaining me and makes them not have to worry about supporting me.

Yeah.

Although my dad did say the other day, which was really kind, he said it is important for you to remember that money is important, but it's not everything. You can always come home and live here. You don't have to put yourself in a situation where money is becoming so necessary. Like, you can just live here. Which was sweet.

That is sweet.

I don't want to go live there again, but I like that the offer stands.

Do you think that's their dream, though, that you just come back home.

I think they miss me. Yeah. But also, after a month, they'd be like, time to go again. You gotta go. You gotta go. Now we remember what it is like to live with. You're not very nice guys.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Take them for granted a little bit. I'm trying not to. I'm getting better.

I think with age it helps. But you still get annoyed.

Exactly. And then guilt and then that whole psychic.

I know.

Oh, my God. All right, well, let's do some questions. We have some.

Let's get into it.

Good ones. Unless. Was there anything else? Do we leave any pins? Probably, but I'm sure we did. Okay, this is serious. So we are gonna put on our serious. As soon as you say, this is serious.

No. Everyone laughs.

You cannot laugh.

This is serious.

Wait, is it?

Are you joking?

Seriously? Okay, now I have to come back to it. Okay.

Come back to it. Yeah.

It's too serious. Well, this is also serious, but okay. My husband is worried I'm not maternal enough to be a mother. This from Molly. My husband and I have been married for three years. We're both 28. The conversation has come up a couple times that he is concerned that I'm not very maternal and this will affect my ability to be a good mother. For reference, I do not like kids in general. I'm the youngest child in my family, and I just feel awkward around young children. Don't know what to say or do with them. However, I've always heard that it's a different experience when you have your own kids. And I do feel like I personally would be a good mom. My husband is nervous because he hasn't, quote, seen that in action, and he doesn't know how to trust that it would be the case. Where do we go from here? He has been very gentle and cautious with talking about this topic, but my feelings are still hurt. Part of me feels like if he didn't think I was maternal, he never should have married me. He thinks it is something we can work towards, but I already feel hurt and embarrassed that he has this view of me.

Would love to get your thoughts on the topic. Overall, I'm mad at your husband.

I'm really mad, too.

I'm really feeling livid. I'm feeling fire in me about this. He doesn't get to decide what's maternal and what's not. By the way, it doesn't mean one thing.

Also, are you questioning if he's paternal? We don't ever say that about men and whether they would be good parents or good dads. It's so weird. I've definitely wondered that about myself.

Yeah, all women wonder. That's why for someone else to say it is so cruel.

Exactly. It's one thing for you to bring it up and for you to have a conversation with him about it. Whole other thing for him to plant that seed inside of you, which, honestly might probably make it seem more important or like a bigger thing than it actually is because he brought it up.

This quote about people can't make you feel a way. I don't really agree with. And look, I get what people mean, but no, he has made you feel insecure about this. Not just now about having kids, but about being married to your partner. Like, he has created a lot of unrest. All it requires to be maternal is to birth a child and care about that child's wellbeing. Everything else in between is all over the place. I know so many moms my age to kids, every single one, parents differently is a different type of mom, and they're all incredible mothers. And my mom is a much different mother than probably yours, although ours seem sort of similar, but everyone's different. It's crazy to say someone's not maternal, especially when you haven't seen them with their own kids.

Yeah, I wouldn't question if you should be a mom. I would question if you should have kids with this person.

That was a pretty big thing you just said. But I know, of course, we're both thinking it.

Well, I'm not saying don't. I'm just saying that to me should be the question you are asking yourself. Not almost like, this is moot.

Also, what happens if you guys have kids and then kids are live wires. It is a mess. Nothing is straightforward. It's going to be really hard. And you can't go into that feeling like I have to be perfect for one. No such thing. And you can't worry that if you do something that he doesn't like, he's gonna call you out for not being maternal. You can't live like that.

Yeah. I would just have a conversation about what are your expectations here? So often, just in the data, honestly, and not just with kids, but with chores and division of labor. Are you both gonna work? Is one of you gonna work less? How are you dividing that whole? I think it's great. Have kids and enjoy your life. But I also think these conversations so often, the things that are not said, people will have different stories in their head and they won't align, and that's where you'll end up having a lot of conflict or issues. And so this is, like, a great opportunity to be like, tell me more about that. Tell me more about what you are expecting. Tell me more about what you think is a good mom. Tell me more about what you think is a good dad. Tell me more about what, like, how you view this happening and what your expectations are. Even if you do somehow meet his maternal expectations, however that fucking shows up. Or like. Yeah, exactly. Expectations are only delayed resentment that just kills the relationship. So give him the opportunity to better this situation and prove to you, because often also, and I think this is sometimes a gendered thing where, like, a guy will say something and then you, because it's an insecurity that you have.

It'll tap into something and then you'll create maybe a bigger thing out of it. Again, I'm not saying this is a situation here.

No, but how can you not, obviously, in your mind and, yeah, I don't even know if I want them. And if anyone said that to me, crush.

I would be crushed, even if it wasn't my partner. And I can't imagine my partner saying that I would be sad if, like, a guy that gas stations at us. Exactly.

Also, this is a bring in the big dogs. This is a couples therapy thing. There needs to be a third person there who can weigh in on this. And I hope. I mean, I guess. I don't know. But my guess is whoever your therapist is, is gonna support you. This is, to me, so clear cut.

I feel that if you were to bring this to a couples therapist, immediately the conversation would shift to him of, like, what is going on with you? What happened to you that you are worried about this? He's clearly just projecting something. This is definitely his. And I'm sorry that you've. Yeah, it taps into your stuff. And then you're like. It does feel like my problem.

That's the thing about being in any sort of intimate relationship with anyone, whether that's a romantic relationship or, like, a really, really close friend friendship. They're so special because they're so intimate, but they're dangerous because the more you know someone, the more you know what triggers them, the more you know their deepest insecurities. That's why relationships are scary, because you're letting someone in on your, like, dark stuff and your hard stuff. And for someone to exploit that is very scary. I think that's the most painful thing someone can experience is the betrayal of that. So I would go to a couples therapists. And thank you for writing in. And I'm really sorry you're going through that.

You're gonna be a great mom.

Yes.

Fuck that.

You're gonna be a great mom. Actually, me and you were just talking about this on our little walk. You were saying that you're sort of like, I don't know.

Every week we're like, yeah, I have a new take on this.

It's that I don't know if I want kids or a partner, even.

This question, it does touch me in a profound way because I feel like I definitely have that all the time. When I am around kids and I get tired or I find them annoying or I'd rather be at a restaurant with my friends or something like that, I'm like, oh. Oh, my God. Am I not supposed to be a mom? Am I going to be a bad mom? I think so many women have this again because we are so hard on mothers and it's so ingrained. So I totally relate with having that insecurity. Honestly, what I'm so thankful for is so many people in my life who will be like, you're going to be an amazing mom. I really go in and out and I go to both extremes and I wish I could just be chill about it. But also, I'm like, this is the biggest decision in real life, so maybe it's okay that I'm not chill. But, yeah, recently I've just been basically. Basically like, I was really into my manifestation meditation over the summer, and I was like, this is happening. And I did manifest some great people. But you know what's so funny is Jess made this video.

It wasn't even about ghostly parenthood, but it was about being a waiter and being in the restaurant industry and just realizing at one point, this is my life. And, like, there's not going to be this thing that's going to fix it or, like, make it better or save it. And I do think that in the last year or so, probably after 35, I was a little bit like, oh, when I get this, everything will fall into place. And maybe this is my life and I should just enjoy it instead of trying to turn it into something different so that I get this, whatever. So, yeah. Thank you, Jess. Sometimes you'll just get moments like, I forgot to tell him. Every time I see him, I forget to tell him.

I can relate. It's very up and down.

Yeah. Where are you at?

Sort of same. It's like, my life is really good. I don't know if I need it. And then, of course, I've had this cardiologist. It's all fine. I am gonna get on a statin. I think we can talk about that next week or something. But I have high cholesterol. Always had it. And we got our blood taken for the study via armchair doctor Richard Isaacson, who's incredible. Shout out preventative neurologist. Very, very cool. He called me, and he was basically like, cholesterol doesn't look awesome. Like, let's look into it a little further, blah, blah, blah. And he. He said, oh, one thing. Don't get pregnant until we get this figured out. And I kind of stopped, and he was like, are we planning on getting pregnant right now? And I was like, no, but as soon as you have to start thinking about it, it's like, but what if I want to? What if I want to get pregnant tomorrow? The idea of I can't. We've talked about this before. Is so different than. I don't want to.

Right? That's.

Man, that's what I'm like, no, I want to. I want it so bad.

Yeah.

And I don't. I don't think. I don't know.

Do you think this is common?

This position that we are in is a growing number of people. It is so many women.

Yeah.

And so I do think it's common.

I do feel like I'm surrounded by people. Let's say couples. Right. It's not just women around our age who also are, like, on the fence and more leaning towards, it's fine if I don't. Maybe I will. But it's a also, like, clock is.

Ticking, and time might run out, and that might be okay.

Yeah. I heard someone say, like, you'd rather regret not having kids than having kids. Right.

Do you think anyone regrets having them?

You do.

You do, for sure. Yeah. I mean, that sounds like the worst thing.

Yeah, that's worse.

Okay, so then I wonder what the percentages are of people who have kids. What's the percentage that regret having them?

I know.

Versus of people who don't have kids who regret not.

Yeah, I would love those numbers. Whoever has a PhD wants to do peer review research and get this done before our eggs and freeze little eggs.

Ellery, my egg.

Ellery.

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Okay, do I announce my pregnancy loss on social media? This is from Emily. Hi, Monica and Liz. I'm a huge fan. Thank you for the pod earlier this summer, I was five months pregnant when my husband and I learned that our planned and very wanted baby had extremely severe spina bifida. Our son would have led to a very short and painful life if he even made it to term. So we decided to end the pregnancy. Pregnancy in Babylos lingo, this is called a termination for medical reasons or TfMR. I'm an american living in Europe and here they have to do a full labor and delivery in these situations. We got to meet our sweet baby boy and my heart was so full and so broken all at once. I miss him every day. It's been a few months now since our son was born and I've been feeling an urge to post about it on social media. I never made a pregnancy announcement, so there is no explaining to do. However, it feels wrong to post any updates about the good things in our lives without first acknowledging this incredible loss. Furthermore, we are moving back to the US in 2025 and I'm terrified at the thought of navigating something like this in Trump's America.

I feel like sharing my story might help people understand the full range of abortion care. I hesitate to post because I, like Monica, fear the comments because our situation is so tragic and rare. People just don't know what to say. Well intentioned people often say hurtful things like, quote, everything happens for a reason or quote, you'll have another baby. She put an I exclamation point worse I fear criticism or judgment for our decision. I'm no social media influencer. I'm rocking a solid 300 followers on Instagram. But how do you both navigate sharing personal aspects of your life with the world? What helps you decide whether or not to share? I'm so sorry. This is really heartbreaking. In my opinion, you have been through the worst thing and you get to handle it in whatever way you want to handle it. I wouldn't put post for anyone else but you. And if you're feeling like this is something I want out in the world or this is something I need to do to feel like I can move on and post other happy things, then do. But if you're worried about the comments, turn off comments.

Yeah, no one is entitled to comment on that. If you don't want to hear it.

I totally agree with you. If I were in front of you, I would just ask you more questions about why it would feel important for you to do that. Is it for you or is it for other people? And if it's for you, then definitely we're living in this weird time, right where it would feel weird not to post something about the event, but you also don't want the repercussions of posting about the event. So I wonder if it's about maybe waiting a little bit cause you could still get DM's, maybe part of your caption. Honestly, like, say what you don't want or say, like, you know, would love privacy or whatever it is during this time. And if you are to reach out, please, I don't know, just be specific about what not to say to you. I had a friend do that. She had a brother pass away in the caption said, like, please don't talk to me about him if you didn't know him. I took that. And again, I've never brought it up with her in that way because I was like, oh, that's helpful for me to know, and that's what she needs.

Again, not that it's your labor. You don't have to do anything. You don't owe anything to anyone. But I would protect yourself and let people know so that if you do receive those comments, I would just be worried about because people will always say stupid stuff. You will probably get 98% positive and things that will be helpful and validating, but you will also get maybe a 2%. And are you in a place where you would be able to receive that and it wouldn't trigger you in a way that is receptive to your life?

Also, we feel that everyone is sharing everything, and they're also not. People are picking and choosing. And I will say, personally, I pick and choose, and we talk about, obviously, so many things, and we're very vulnerable here on armchair, all of it. We get really deep, and we talk about a lot, but we don't talk about everything. We are picking and choosing, and it's okay to pick and choose. We are allowed to decide what's private to us and what is not. You should not feel an obligation. That for sure, it just needs to be for you.

Yeah. And I think it's so important that you mentioned the political context. And that's why I'm also more protective of, like. Like, it's still taking a huge stance, but, like, yeah, we've had people come on, man, enough. Even, like, yesterday, I was seeing these people say these awful things, and the woman in the comment was responding, and also, they had had an abortion. Some medical reasons. There are some people out there who are really not well and educated on the issue, and it seems like you have a private following, so you wouldn't be getting. But again, you never know.

I wish we had, like, perfect answer. The only thing we can do is say, like, we're really sorry, and you should do everything you can for yourself right now.

Yes.

Okay, let's do one more. This is a good question. How do I stop having secondhand anxiety for my partner's problems? This is from Caroline. Oh, my God. It says, hi, Monica and chips. Oh, I love you.

I'm crying.

That's really cute.

So sweet.

Hi, Monica and chips. As I'm writing this, I'm picturing it being read by Monica and hear it in her voice. Lol. But anyways, I've been with my boyfriend for almost three years. We live together, and he is amazing. I love him so much that I find that when big life events or when smaller inconveniences happen to him, I become very anxious, sometimes even more than him. He does not put this on to me. It is entirely my own doing. How do I balance being a good empathetic partner while managing my mental health? This is codependency. This is literally the definition of it. It's really annoying and really hard. You're talking to two recovering codependents. To me, the cure for codependency is boundaries. People hear boundaries, and they think that's like. It means you have to leave or. That's not it. It's just building some small fences around your thoughts and feelings and actions so that you don't get in the mud. Remember that boundaries mean I'm not doing that. Not, you can't do that. A boundary couldn't be, hey, it's really affecting my mental health when you're anxious. So you can't be anxious anymore. Like, obviously, that can't happen.

So it would have to be more something like, when I'm feeling anxious, based on my partner's anxiety, I need to x, y, and Z to help get out of that. It's really hard. It's near impossible.

I mean, but it is doable. The thing with this is when it's happening to you, you're like, why is this happening? Like, why am I thinking so much about this person? Why am I completely, actually out of my life and out of my body and out of what I need and what's happening to me and what I need to be thinking about and thinking about what they're thinking, what they need to do and what they need to not do. And I think what was helpful for me was realizing, like, oh, this is part of a pattern, and it's not my fault. It's something that, yes, you can change and heal from, but it's not your fault.

Yes.

The big thing that I do in these cases is I bring it back to me. What's going on in my life sometimes. It's also like, what am I avoiding? Because I keep thinking about this person, and I'm not thinking about all my things. Like, what are the things that I don't want to be thinking about in my life?

That's often the cause of some of a lot of codependence. They themselves are avoiding something or have their own addictions or have their own things, and so they focus on the other person.

Yeah. You're so connected to the other person that you're no longer connected to yourself. And connected is not even the right word of what's happening with the other person. You're not connected, actually, because you're thinking about what's important to you in regards to them. But he probably doesn't even want you. I would just really focus on your, like, always just bringing it back on yourself in those moments. And maybe you do want to join, you know, a Tulsa program like Alan or codependents. Those are times when you call your sponsor or you journal or you have practice of self care. Because when I am in full taking care of myself and I'm loving myself, like, I'm not doing those things. And so usually it'll be a sign that somehow I've lost my own at a certain point.

Once you start knowing your patterns, you recognize, oh, I'm doing that. It must mean I am anxious about this other thing or I'm not stable or I'm not. Whatever. You can start linking what's going on. I will say you gave me great, great, great advice once about something was going on with me co dependence wise. And I was like, freaking out about this thing because I was like, well, I don't know if they're gonna be okay. And you said, but you're gonna be okay. And that's the thing to always remember. Like, it sounds like you don't care about the other person, but it's in order to care for them properly, actually, is to say, I only have control over myself. Whatever happens to with them, of course I'll be there to support, but I'll be okay. It was very impactful. I think about that all the time.

No, that's great.

This whole world is so slippery. And you think you're totally fine and, like, fixed. And then one thing happens and they're like, you're down the mountain. And so, yeah, it's being gentle with yourself. It's reminding yourself that you can handle you. You're gonna be okay. Regardless of his anxiety.

And he'll be okay too.

Yeah.

But, yeah, I'm glad that was helpful. And there are like, all kinds of sayings or mantras. It's so hard. And like, I am pretty much unsuccessful every time by, like, meditating and flossing in the morning. Flossing in the morning.

Maybe try that. It'll fix your whole life. Yeah.

Cause also, what you're doing in that moment is you think you're in charge. If you do the right thing or think the right thing or figure out what's going on, then it's all gonna be okay.

You'll fix the situation and.

Yes, you won't. Again, a big thing in twelve super realms is like, you know, higher power. Like a universe. You're not in charge of everything. All the things that are happening, happening around you are gonna happen and unfold the way that they are, no matter what you do. And that can feel scary, but it's actually something to surrender. Yes, codependents have this heightened sense of responsibility that often comes from either personality or childhood. So for you were responsible or meant to feel responsible. And that somehow, if you did do certain things, then you could fix your parent or fix the dysfunction. The whole universe thing is that you're taking that responsibility off of your shoulders, which feels good. Yeah, but it's good that you're catching it in these little ways.

It is. You're already ahead of the game.

You are.

The fact that, you know, you're taking this on and that it's not really your place to take it on, that.

You don't feel good.

So much further along the line than most people who are feeling like this. So you're doing great.

Yeah.

Awesome. Okay, well, I think that's all the time we have today. I hope you guys enjoy our new feed. Nothing's different. And keep following us. Leave a review, keep checking in. Next week we'll talk.

Talk about do we know?

We don't know.

We never know. We obviously, we just. Yeah, sit down and yap, yappy, yap.

Oh, we might be recording in New York next week.

We probably.

We will. So we'll be out on the road. We'll be in travel mode. Last time we did that, that's when we met Dan, your AI boyfriend.

Maybe we should do a redo, maybe give him a second chance.

Maybe you can upgrade your phone and we'll see what kind of upgrades he comes.

Let's see.

Okay, see you next week.

Bye.