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So excited for our date. I've been saving up all week. Oh, that's nice of you, but I don't mind splitting the bill. I'm not talking about the bill. On this episode of the Commercial Break. You don't want to meet somebody for $100 item at the back of the Walmart. You know what I'm saying? I'm glad they have that drop off zone for Facebook. It's literally called the Facebook marketplace drop off zone. I'm wondering if I'm a sperm donor, if I could live donate sperm in the front of the police Department and just say I'm Hey, it's your safe zone. It's your safe zone for me to drop off my goods. The next episode of the Commercial Break starts now. Yeah, cats and Welcome back to the Commercial Break. I'm Brian Green. This is the spots to my tiger, Chris and Joy Holden. Best to you, Chrissy. Best to you, Brian. Best to you out there in the podcast universe.

Although I think leopards have a spot.

Oh, tigers don't have spots?

I think tigers have They do?

They do. I should have paid more attention in school.

I'm the Stripe to your Tiger.

You're the Stripe to my Tiger. You're the Stripe to my Tiger.

Or the Spot to your Leopard.

Whatever. Who cares? I should have paid attention more in school. I should have actually attended school, and then maybe I would have learned some of those things. But you can't go back in the past or so they say. No. I just read an article. This is terrifying. This is like my... Besides having a tooth cracked out of my head while I'm wide away, My next living nightmare is falling from great heights, falling from any height, really. Heights, in general, are my worst living nightmare, unless I'm in a building. That's a lot of people. We've talked about this before. We've talked about this before. Yeah, it's not a particularly uncommon fear or phobia to have, and I've got it, and so does my son. I think my two daughters are not afflicted with that fear because they'll climb up and down a ladder or be near high places, and it doesn't seem to bother them. My son, on the other hand, he's got that verified Brian look on his face whenever he goes more than two steps up the ladder. He's like, I agree with you, son. Just get down. Don't bother. Don't try and be brave here.

Just get down. Forget about it. You can live life without going to high places, without security fences or walls or anything like that. There's a famous canyon in Washington. It's been photographed a lot, and I'm sure if you saw it, then you would see the bridge and you would understand a lot of people. Washington State? Washington State. They bungee jump off of this quite a bit, even though I don't think it's legal anymore. They bungee jump off of it. Teenagers will often try and make it down into this gorge that is 400 feet off the ground. The bridge is 400 feet off the ground. That is a little less than 40 stories. 40 fucking stories in the air. A 19-year-old over the weekend trying to traverse this canyon fell 400 feet and survived with scratches and bruises. How do you do that? How do you do that? Get this kid, send him to my house, take his blood, transfuse it into mine. I want to know, first of all, how do you even have the bravery to get up there and start trying to climb down this particular path or whatever you are on? Second of all, how do you survive something like that?

Well, you're 19.

Well, I was 19.

That's how you have the bravery to do that first. Well, that's true. Then I don't know, maybe there was a rolling, like a roly-poly that goes into a roll.

Yeah, like a little weasel or something. Just roll yourself up into a ball and bounce a couple of times into the ravine. I was 19 once, and now that I think about it, I did a lot of drugs when I was 19. I think that's taking about just as much risk It's just traversing a 400-foot cliff. Probably. You never know what's in it. I think I took a lot of risks, similar parity as far as life and death are concerned. I just never thought of it like that. I don't know what it is, but the thought the sight, the feel of being high up, it paralyzes, literally physically paralyzes me.

I'm not like that. But however, I also don't want to go jump off a bridge at 400 feet. No. I'm good on that. But I'll go to a high roller coaster.

High roller coaster all day long. High elevator. I don't care about that. I trust that only once in a million does a freak accident happen where you would actually fall off of a roller coaster. Most of the time, you're just stuck in some weird position, which I wouldn't like. But at the same time, I would know that help is coming at some point. Roller coasters don't bother me. Tall buildings, as long as I'm not right at the window, I'm okay.

You and I did a Ferris wheel one time.

The Ferris wheel was okay. I didn't love it. I'm not in love with Ferris wheels, especially not the kind that gets set up and taken down in less than an hour. Here in the state of Georgia, like a lot of states, including Florida, the people who actually look at those carnival rides in order to make sure that they're in good condition is the state board of agriculture. What agriculture and carnivals have to do with each other? I have no idea. But you can look for a disease in a corn, but can you really know whether or not there should be an extra screw in my carnival ride? I mean, I've been down rabbit holes on the internet and Instagram and TikTok, where it's just real after real of nightmare carnival accidents. Like an arm flies off of one of those swinging rides. People just go flying I'm across the area. Oh my God.

That's probably not helping your fears.

No, of course not. It's just reassuring me that my fear is legit. I think this is a legit. I don't know where it came from. Probably some pre-man ape was up high on a cliff somewhere and said, Oh, that just doesn't feel good. Saying, This isn't natural. Let's go backwards. But now I am afflicted with it. It is genetic. I'm sure I passed it down to at least one of my children. Here's the thing. Let me share a story with When I was- Storytime. Storytime with Brian.

Storytime with uncle Brian.

That's the wrong noise altogether. There we go. Storytime with Brian.

I like the beep beep.

You like the beep better? Okay, we can go with that. It's a car crash waiting to happen. Brian. Storytime with Brian. When I was 23, 24 years old, it's Six Flags or at whatever your local amusement park is, they have those big swings. It looks like a big arch, and then they pull you up to one side, way high in the air, and then you pull the string and you go fly. Swing back and forth. Swing back and forth. Six Flags Over Georgia installed one of those one year, and now it's like a permanent traction there. It's pretty high up in the air. I'm going to guess 20 stories is my guess. Like a lot of dumb shit in my life, I do it to spite other people. When people think I can't do it, then I do it just to spite them. I'm like, No, that's not true. I'm not afraid of heights. I can get on there and I can do that. I was with my best friend Raphael at the time, and he says, Dude, you don't have to do this. I can go on the ride by myself. It's a two-person thing, but one person can go on it.

I'm like, No, bro, I'm not as scared of heights as I say I am. I can really do this. This is fine. It's cemented to the ground. I'll be okay. He says, Bro, you don't have to prove anything. You don't want to do it, don't do it. I'm like, Fuck you. I'm doing it. He goes, he pays the extra 50 bucks or whatever it is to do this particular ride, and then we have a time to come back. It's maybe 45 minutes later, hour later, we're supposed to come back. As the clock keeps ticking, tick, tick, tick, tick, I get more and more nervous about this whole experience. By the time it's time for us to go get ready to get on this ride where they strap you in, my legs aren't working. I'm not able to walk very well. That's how physically crippled I get by the fear of heights. We get on this little stand. The stand raises up so that they can attach you to the They put this big suit on you and it looks like a... I don't know. I don't even know how to explain. It's like a big mat they put on you so that when they lift you up, you're just together, two people together on this hanging mat, 20 feet in the air, which is not normal for human beings.

You're not supposed to be up there. He's lifting us up on this little platform. I'm shaking like a leaf on a tree. Raphael looks over at me. We're very close. We're tied together, basically. He's like, Bro, you don't look good. I'm like, Bro, it's okay. I'll do it. He's like, You have a chance right now to just say you don't want to do this. Brian, don't do this. At every step, my crippling anxiety is overridden by the incredible ego I have at 20, 20, 24 years old. I just know I have to do this. I have to prove Raphael wrong and myself right that I can do this. So the guy attaches us. And when he attaches us, he says, I'm going to lower the platform. And as I lower the platform, you guys are going to go from standing up to laying down. You're just going to swing and it's just going to lay you down. So this is all being videotaped by the way, for posterity's sake, because of course it is, just like when I went skydiving. So this is all being videotaped for future embarrassment of Brian.

Right.

Okay. As the platform lowers, it's not a gentle laying down. It's like, as soon as our feet are disconnected from the thing, you just go flat over. And now you're 15, 20 feet in the air. And I screamed like a three-year-old girl. I was like, Ha, ha, like that. And Rafa was like, Brian, just say you don't want to do Say you do not want to do this. And I'm like, No, I got it. We're here now. What are we going to do? The guy down on the platform who's not even reached the ground yet is like, Bro, you okay? You sure you won't do this? And I'm like, I got it. I'm good. Thumbs up. I got it. I'm good. So then the string starts pulling us upward. So now you're face down and it's pulling you upward 200 feet in the air. Chrissy, the noises that I was making. Rafa was psychiatrist at that point. He was my therapist. I was like, Rafa was like, breathe, bro. Breathe through your third eye, in through your chakra, down through your anus. Breathe, breathe. And I'm like, Stop telling me to breathe. Stop telling me to breathe.

We get up to the very top. The guy told us I was on the side with the little polar because Rafa was like, You be the polar. That way, when you're comfortable, you go. So the guy told us, he said, Listen, when you get up to the top, there's going to be a loud speaker. I'm going to tell you it's good to pull. You can pull anytime after that. It took nine and a half minutes for me to pull that thing. Nine and a half minutes. At some point, the guy down with the microphone said, Hey, bro, you got to pull it, bro. You got to pull it. There's other people waiting in line. You got to pull it. We'll bring you back down. There's only one way now. You just got to pull it. Finally, Raph I had to reach over and pull it. He reached over and pulled it. Best two and a half minutes of my life was swinging down that thing. Best two and a half minutes of my life when we finally got swinging was the swinging. The part falling down toward Earth, I I made chimpanzee noises. I'm sure of it.

What's that noise that I make that everybody likes? That was the noise. That was the noise that I was making. I am not built for heights. It is not in my DNA. You're also afraid You're scared of heights, aren't you? No. Oh.

That's what I was saying. I'm good with that stuff.

You're good with the roller coasters?

I'm good with the roller coasters or the heights. I mean, it's scary, but I'm into it. I like the adrenaline.

Someone puts you on the top of the Sears Tower. You're good doing one of those What Aster did, like lean on the glass?

Yeah, I would do that. You would? Mm-hmm.

Well, fuck you.

Jeff would not. He's scared of heights. Jeff is not.

Yeah. Okay. See Jeff? Brothers in arms, buddy. Yeah. Brothers in arms. I knew it. I knew I liked Jeff for a reason. Anybody who's scared of heights is good with me. We can all stay here on the ground.

Like I said, I would also not just go on, climb up to a 400-foot bridge, freestyle it, whatever, and then jump off trying to get myself into a hole. No. No.

I wouldn't bungey jump. I wouldn't do anything like... I say that, and then I went skydiving. But I don't know, something felt more secure about the skydiving than any bungey jumping ever would. I feel like they'd miscalculate the amount of rope I needed or whatever.

Yeah, I'm good on the bungey jumping, too.

I don't want to do that. I bring this up to tell you also that one of my favorite YouTube channels, which I can't remember the name of now because I'm old and I forget stuff, One of my favorite YouTube channels is a channel of one of those like, city climbers, the guys or girls who go up. There's a tall crane on top of a tall building. You know what I'm thinking? Okay. In China, in Asia, wherever it happens to be. They fly all around the world. They find places that are unnaturally high. Like, oh, we're building the next world's tallest building, 192 stories in the air. And then we have a crane to lift the stuff in the air so that we can put it on the top of this 192-story building. That crane is an additional 40 stories in the air. In the middle of the night, when none of the construction workers are there, let me go. Let me climb to the top of the building. And then, ney, let me climb to the top of this crane. And then, ney, let me climb out on the crane. So now I'm hanging by one arm, swinging around unnaturally, completely.

There's nothing about this that humanity needs to do. Do you know what I'm saying? I agree. Why would you do that? And people die doing this. There's lots of cases of people dying doing this. But these kids, they're like, I don't know. They have some otherworldly power to get out there and not only decide that they want to climb out 1,600, 1,700 feet in the air, but then climb out and prove that they can hang on with one arm while they're filming with their selfie stick and the other. Yeah, that's crazy. They get millions and millions of views. They make money. That's better than We can say, What are we doing? We're right here on Earth, can't make money. Those guys up in the buildings being stupid. They can make lots of money. But that is one of my favorite YouTube channels, and my palms get sweaty every time I watch one of those videos. Every time I have a physiological response to someone else being high up in the air. It's crazy how my body responds. I wish I had any control over it. I really do. Yeah. Yeah.

I don't know. You have other strengths.

Tell me. Give me one. Give me one. Give me one other strength.

You're a great best friend.

Oh, well, thank you very much. I really appreciate that.

You're a superhero best friend. Yeah.

I'm a superhero best friend. Yes. I'd rather be a superhero hanging off the end of a crane making millions of dollars on YouTube. What?

Let those guys do it. Yeah.

You know what the video that haunt me every time is the video of the guy that's doing some weird form of parkour up on buildings. He's jumping from one building to the next or one corner of a building to the next, 50, 60 stories in the air. There's a famous video out there of a guy who jumps, he grabs on, he's trying to show off a little bit, and he loses his grip, and he's hanging there, trying to pull himself back up, trying desperately to pull himself back up, but he doesn't do it. He doesn't get it, and he falls, and that's it. A game over. End of life. Why are you doing that? For millions of millions of dollars, Yeah, I do it, too. If someone offered me millions and millions of dollars, I'd climb one of those cranes. I would. How many dollars would it take for you to climb one of those cranes?

I don't know. Yeah, I guess millions.

In the millions. I I would likely die because my body would have a reaction that wouldn't allow me to actually do it correctly. I wouldn't be able to overcome that physiological response. But at least I know my children were taken care of. If someone said, 10 million bucks, Brian, go to the Shai Shin Tower in China and climb out on that crane, I'd say, Kids, I wasn't a great father, but I was the father you had. Now you and your mother are going to be rich, flying to Spain on private jets, and she's going to sleep with the pool boy. But just know that I died in a semi-honorable fashion, making a YouTube video for money for your private education, for your cooking school in France.

There you go. It's honorable.

Listen, we do what we can here on this Earth, and then we move on to the next, whatever that is.

The next realm.

Yeah. I'm sure I'd find that out, just like I did at the top of the Sears Tower, completely encased in glass. No fear of anybody falling, dying, anything like Brian's knees buckled and I fell to the floor, and Astrid had to drag me out of the Sears Tower.

Maybe you were one of those guys that worked in a past life. Maybe you were one of those guys that were working on- The steelworkers. The steelworkers on the top of the tall building, and maybe he fell and died.

That's a lovely thought.

That's why you're afraid in this life.

I'm going to talk to my therapist about that in my next past life regression. You might be right. Just throwing it out there.

That could be true.

I could have fallen off a tall building, and now it's just genetically in me that I'm always going to be afraid of heights, and rightfully so. I bet a lot of those guys died like that. They had to be.

Yeah, you would have to think.

Yeah, they didn't even have life.

What's that one famous picture with them?

The four guys eating lunch. Lunch? Yeah, on the top of them. I know. Get me the fuck down. That's what I say. Can I go to Cat's Deli? Do I need to sit here and eat?

They, like you, were probably like, I've got to provide for my family, and this pays really Oh, it does pay really well because one in seven of you ain't coming home tonight.

Die. But, you know. So we get to give the extra money. When Joe dies, you all get to split his tick. So keep on climbing up to the top of that building. And they like road steel girders to the top of that. It's just insane to think about.

And this is 100 years ago, too, right? When was the Empire State Building?

'20s, '10s, something like that. That's what I'm thinking. '20s, '10s, '30s, '40s. That feels right. Yeah, sometime in the 1900s. That's sometime in the 1900s. When I worked in the real estate business, I went and visited a project, and it was just a 20-story building. It was not anything particularly high. I went and I visited, and I took the dinky little elevator that they basically attached to the side of the structure. Yes. It's like a construction elevator. I've seen those. It's a cage. That's all it is. It's just a cage, a rattly ass cage stuck on this one little pipe that's flotte when you up to the air and you're stuck with eight other guys in there, 300 pounds more than I am. They're big boys. It's some of these gentlemen that do this work. We're riding up this elevator. I am in the corner and I'm just shaking rapidly like a dog. I can imagine. Yeah. Then they wanted to get out and walk around. There was like a cement. The elevator shaft had been built, and then the rest was being built out. The steel was being built out. There was a floor, but it wasn't like the permanent floor.

It was just a floor for people to walk on, like a temporary floor. But they had that big elevator shaft made of concrete, and there was a little tiny pad that was there for whatever purposes. I stood there while everybody else toured around, while the contractor gave this grand tour of the city and Look at those views and look at those views, and look at this, and look at that. I stood there shitting myself in the corner and then had to take the ride back down, shitting myself again because it's fucking holy shit scary to me. Somebody has a cure for this. Let me know. I know one of these listeners is going to call me. Xanax. Xanax. Xanax. I think that's your- I actually think my physiological response is stronger than Xanax. All right, let's take a break. I want to thank very much Wendy McClendon-Covey for coming in this week. Please check her out. She was a lot of fun. Check her out in all her fashion. She was a lot of fun.

And just such a legend to me.

If you didn't listen to the interview, and you do go listen to the interview, you'll know that the last two and a half minutes of our conversation got cut off for whatever reason. It didn't record, and so I had to a little transition in there, but I want to apologize to Wendy about that. But anyway, there's 49 minutes of great conversation. Let's not talk about the stuff we don't have. Let's be proud of the stuff we do have. Shouldn't we, Chrissy? We should. I agree. So go check out Wendy McClindon-Covey in all of her forms and formats. She is a wonderful human being, and we really appreciate her coming on board. Let's take a break, and we'll be back.

Well, thank the baby Jesus. Brian took a breath, and now I will use this opportunity to let you know that we've got a brand new phone number. That's right, it's W12 433 3TCB, and you can text us anytime you want, or you can call and leave us a voicemail, and we might just use your message on the show once Brian gets through all the messages he missed last year, of course. Anyway, you can also find and DM us on Instagram at the Commercial Break and on TikTok at TCB Podcast. And of course, all of our audio and video is easily found on tcbpodcast. Com. Now, I'm going to thank G one more time that we have sponsors. So thank G, and here they are.

I'm Tanksynatra. And I'm Investigator Slater. And together we co-host a podcast called Psychopedia, which is a true crime podcast infused with comedy making it a crimety. Each week, Investigator Slater brings us a wild and thoroughly researched true crime case. I'm here to digest it all and react just like you probably are right there on the other side of the microphone. Somehow, I've got to present each case with the detail and respect it deserves while also cracking up at Tanks' perfectly timed humor and thought-provoking questions. Listen to and follow Psychopedia on the free Autancy app or wherever you get your podcasts. All right, now we're back. Okay, here's the situation. Let me explain it to you and we'll see what you think about this. Seeking sister wives. Which is the only show on TLC that I'm currently trying to keep up with, even though there's lots of better TV out there than what you're sitting.

Not to interrupt you, but I am just for one second. I finished Baby Reindier, so there you go. Okay, so- We'll talk about that later.

Well, no, give me two minutes dissertation. What did you think?

Yeah, I mean, it's crazy. It's sad.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, I mean, it's sad. Someone's mentally ill. That's sad.

Well, that and the guy- Well, I was talking about both of them. Seemed to also have some problems. I was talking about both of them. I mean, Yeah, it was interesting, I guess. Yeah. Yeah. So, yeah, I finished it. I was like, damn it, I don't want to finish this, but Brian's making me.

Making you. I just wanted you to see it all the way through. I was so excited about at the show. I loved it. It is sad. I mean, in general, it's a sad story, but certainly there are moments- I guess it turned out he's got a Netflix special, so that's good. We'll see what he does for two, right? I'm interested to see what he follows up with.

Yeah, because they did leave it.

Yeah. I don't know that there'll be a baby rainforest, too, but they did leave it. I mean, it's an open-ended. Yes. My take on the end of it, and spoiler alert, is my take on the end of it, is he meets this lady Martha, who ends up becoming his stalker. When she walks into a bar he's working at and She's had a bad day or whatever it is, and he's the bartender, he gives her a cup of tea. For free? He gives her a cup of tea. That starts this year and a half long crazy- That was like three, four years. Oh, three, four years. I don't know how long was the timeline, but it starts this incredibly crazy story of her stalking him intensely. I mean, really intensely, and his push and pull in his brain about being empathetic toward her or calling the police. Anyway, the very end scene, and this is the spoiler alert, fast forward 30 seconds, is is he walks into a bar, he's just had a bad day, and a cute bartender gives him a cup of beer, a glass of beer for free. It's like, my interpretation of that is, was he the sick one all along or was she the sick one all along or were they both just sick together and needed each other in some way, shape, or form?

Could it just have easily been him who started stalking somebody? Okay, so Baby Reindier, great. Go watch it. Now, it's back to Seeking Sister Wives, a much better television program. This one's going to win a category award.

I have not gotten back into that.

Okay. Well, Baby Reindier is much better than Seeking Sister Wives. I'm just giving you shit. But at the end of the day, this one is super fascinating because none of these couples work out. None of them work out. They're trying desperately to find Sister Wives, but it's just a shit show all over the place, as you would expect. Yes. So not saying it never works out. I'm saying on the television show, it doesn't work out. And that's probably for good reason because TLC to produce a season number five, and they're getting good ratings. So of course, they're with people who probably never had a chance in the first place to find a Sister Wives. Okay, one of the story lines this year... Oh, excuse me. This is not Seeking Sister Yes, this is Love in Paradise, 90 Day Fiancé Love in Paradise.

Oh, you started Love in Paradise?

I started Love in Paradise.

Because I started it and I was like, No, not going to get sucked in.

Okay. There's only two story lines that I care about.

You started Love in Paradise.

I just watched it for this. I literally fast forward to one or two story lines on this. Okay. Here's the storyline. Seeking Sister Wives is good, too. I'm sorry, I brain farted there. There's a great storyline on that one, too. But I'll try and keep it to one TLC show per episode of the Commercial Break. So, 90 Day Fiance, The Other Way, Love and Paradise. So essentially, it's Americans going to meet their loved ones someplace else rather than the normal 90-day fiancé, which is someone from abroad coming to the United States, going through the 90 day visa process. So this one guy meets this girl. She lives in Malta. Very beautiful woman, very, seems down to earth. Lovely place to be in Malta. Who doesn't want to live in fucking Malta? Yeah, it was gorgeous. Yeah, gorgeous people all around. Gorgeous location, wonderful country. Or wonderful city. This guy, guess what he does for a living? What? He is a sperm donor. Okay. Now, that's the important thing to know about.

I guess you could do that for a living.

He does it for a living. He's been doing it for a living for a long time. He does clean living. He makes sure that his body's... He's not a workout guy. He's got a dad bod for sure. But he makes sure that his body in general is clean, free from nicotine and tobacco, free from trans fats and all this other stuff. He eats a lot of lettuce and fish, and he takes a lot of supplements to make his jizz extra gooey and full of spermies. He says that the average man has 190 million sperm per inch. I don't even know how they measure that, whatever. But he's got 380 million sperm per inch or whatever. He basically very braggadocious about his sperm count and his ability to get women pregnant. Here is the storyline, how he got here. He one day read on Facebook that one of his friends who was in a relationship was having a lot of trouble conceiving, and they were having trouble conceiving because of low sperm count. Now, why you would put this on Facebook? I don't know, but I have been on Facebook, and I know that people aren't ashamed of anything.

They'll put anything on Facebook. It's like that goddamn next door. So he reads this post and he says back to his friend on the Facebook post, Hey, I'll give it a try. You can have my sperm, right? I got strong sperm. I got strong swimmers. I got a lot of them. 50 billion per inch. 50 billion per square meter. I'll be the baby daddy. I'll be the baby daddy.

It's so weird, but okay.

Okay, right? Exactly. But hey, listen, I could see someone was having some struggles.

Trying to help out.

I could see jizzing into a cup and saying, God bless you. I don't want to talk to the kid, but God bless you. But he offers to help, and that starts his life as a professional sperm donor. But the really weird part about this is that he does... Most of his sperm donations are done as live sperm donations, having sex with the woman to conceive.

Live sperm donation.

Live sperm donation. Not in a cup in a bathroom, not in a turkey baster like I have seen is done, but live sperm donation.

In a medical setting?

No, in a medical setting, in an Airbnb setting. Oh. He flies around the world, and he literally has sex with women to get his Super Jizz into their uterus. That's it. He's got 180 children or something like that all around the world, and he gets paid to travel, fly, and do live sperm donations. That's how he says it. I don't think there's an actual term for this. I think it's just sex, right? Yes. But he calls it live sperm donation. Well, he's got this beautiful girl in Malta who he's now fallen in love with because she wanted his sperm. But I don't think she wanted the live sperm donation version of this. I think she just wanted sperm. But he has this whole Facebook page where he connects with women around the world, and then he goes and he has sex with them. He was showing the cameras how he makes that they have the best chance to get pregnant. He stands on the top of the bed. She lays her head upside down over the bed. She's basically hanging upside down over the bed. Then he does his thing. He ejaculates, and then he keeps her there for 10 to 15 minutes before he pulls out with her legs upside down in the air.

I'm like, This guy is just a fucking creep. That's what he is. He's not a live sex sperm donation guy. He's just a fucking douche running around, pretending to get girls pregnant. So that he can have sex with whomever he wants. He probably charges $2,500 for the pleasure. He is a male prostitute. That's what he is. What a life in another world, in another universe. This would have been my... This could have been my superhero moments. I don't know what my sperm count is, but I think I'm doing okay. I got 30 children. I think I'm doing all right.

Well, not anymore.

Not anymore. I have zero sperm. But I'd be willing to give it. I told Astrid, I said, Listen, times are tough right now. Podcast is chugging along on zero gas. Podcast is chugging along on zero gas. I could give blood, I could give sperm, I could do live sperm donations, to which she said, I don't know what that is, but no. I have no idea what you're talking about, but no.

No. No.

Live sperm donations. This is an incredible thing that I did not know existed. I'm dying to hear a story about. I'm dying to hear if someone in the audience has done this and knows of somebody who's done this, has been the recipient of a live sperm donation, I would love, love to hear your story. You must text us and let us know if you're out there, if this is something you've been a part of or have heard someone close to you has been a part of, because I want to know what the minutiae of this is. I don't know. I'm just befuddled about how someone would be convinced to do a live sperm donation. I mean, I guess that that is the traditional way of getting pregnant, right? It is. But- Would you do it with a stranger? No. Listen, I'm no Brad Pitt either. I get it. I'm no Giovani Rabisi. But at the end of the day, if that's even a guy, I'm- That sounds like it should be.

Sounds like a guy. Like a romantic guy.

Yeah, I think he's a good actor. Giovanni. Giovanni Ramiz. I'm no good-looking super hunk. But at At the end of the day, I think I can weigh myself sometimes if the extremes are... I look at Brad Pitt and I go, Definitely not me, right? But then I look at... I don't know. Who could I look at? I don't want to make fun of any- careful here. Yeah, I want to be careful here. I want to be real careful here. I look at Jack Black, one of my favorites. Definitely a lovely guy. Very nice guy. But I go, I might be a little bit better looking at Jack Black, right? Okay. I look at this live sperm donation guy and I go, I think I got him beat. I think I got that guy beat. I think I probably could have made a good career out of this, Chrissy. One where I don't have to update my LinkedIn profile. There's no clocking in or clocking out necessarily. There's dicking in and dicking out, but there's no clocking in or clocking out. And free travel all around the world. What more could you ask for? This guy is literally living the life.

He's getting paid to have sex. And then he has none of the responsibility of being a father and all of the joy of thinking about it. I mean, all of the joy of imagining he's a father. Yeah.

It seemed like this may have worked a little bit better, though, without ancestry. Com. True. He's going to have a lot of people coming to him.

He's going to have a lot of people. And what do you say?

Hi, Daddy.

Yeah. Yeah. Listen, son, I know you think that I'm your dad, and I probably am, given that I was paid to have sex with your mother and then donated my sperm to her.

And genetically, it says you're my dad.

And genetically, we share the same DNA. But at the end of the day, I didn't care about you then, and I don't care about you now. I just thought your mom was hot.

It was just a job.

Yeah, it was just a job. You can find anything on that Facebook marketplace. You can find anything on that Facebook marketplace.

I haven't really explored it, but everybody's talking about it.

Oh, we just sold a bunch of stuff over the weekend. Selling the entire house. Selling the entire house. Sperm donations, blood donations, selling everything that we own. And we did it. And the local police department here has a safe drop-off area.

Oh, they do?

They do.

Oh, that's a good idea.

They have a safe drop-off. Good for the police. Yeah.

Because I know I've bought something off of, what was it? Craigslist one time, and it was meeting in a parking lot at Best Buy. Yeah. I'm glad that there's safe places now.

Yeah, that's right. You don't want to meet somebody for a $100 item at the back of the Walmart. You know what I'm saying? I'm glad they have that drop off zone for Facebook. It's literally called the Facebook marketplace drop off zone. I'm wondering if I'm a sperm donor, if I could live donate sperm in the front of the police Department and just say, Hey, it's your safe zone. It's your safe zone for me to drop off my goods. She's just got to hang out upside down for 10 to 15 minutes. Don't mind her.

See that mattress over there that's about to get exchanged? What if I showed up? We're going to use that.

Popped open the hatchback, pulled out a single mattress. There's a nice little park area in front of the... It's just tiny.

There's probably some sicko out there that wants to buy the mattress after you do the live sperm donation. Oh, yeah. Well, maybe it's the woman. That's a double, double win.

She says, Hey- It's a win-win. That's gold right there. Don't want to lose any of that. I'm taking that sheet home if you don't mind. So Astrid, of course, she's selling the stuff because I don't know the first thing about anything. So it's just better that Astrid handles stuff, if I'm being honest. It is. I can go out and play with the kids. I'm good at that. So this weekend, every once in a while, it would be like, Hey, honey, can you meet the guy at whatever? Hey, sweetie, can you meet the girl at whatever? Yeah, it's 10 minutes down the road. So I jump in the car on one of these drop offs, and I'm dropping off a baby bag, like a backpack specifically made for you to carry around your small little bastard children from your live sperm donation.

And then you have- Like the front, the front pouch thing?

No, the back one. Well, we did sell the front pouch one, too, like the carrier, the baby carrier? This is an actual backpack.

Where you put the baby in it?

No, it's made for the bottles. It's got a million. Oh, got it. It's one of these designer things that everybody has to have, and it's way too expensive because it's just a backpack, but they call it a baby backpack. It's got an extra pocket for nipples. I don't know. Who fucking knows? Is there any reason to charge you more money? Yes. But Astrid, being the incredible human being she is, keeps it neat, keeps it clean. Now it's clear we're not having any more children. She thinks, Hey, there's lots of ladies who'd love to have this. Pass it on. Yeah.

I like this whole idea of recycling, upcycling. I do.

We gave a lot of stuff away to the women's shelter, too. Like stuff that... We've done that. Yeah, some stuff we sold, but then some stuff we gave away because we thought it would be to the ladies who are obviously having a tough time right now. Yes. And they have children, too, which makes it like double whammy. She says, Hey, can you meet this lady? Drop off the bag. Okay, I'll meet this lady. I say, Go to the safe exchange. Go to the safe giz exchange area. I get there, I pull up right next to her. We're both in these SUVs. Well, she turns out to be quite the chatty-patty, which is not what I was bargaining for. You know what I'm saying? I just wanted to go down a drug deal, literally. Yeah, exactly. Here's the bag.

Give me my money. See you later.

I'm not to have a full conversation. But of course, she's a chatty-patty. What are you going to do? Now you're stuck in front of a police station looking strangely like a drug deal, and you're handing her literally a bag. By the way, Astrid put paper in, so it looks like the bag is completely full of Same thing. Here we are through the windows exchanging this whole thing. As a part of just being a human being and having a conversation, I say, Oh, enjoy the bag. Are you expecting? Is there another one on the way? Is there a kid at home? And she goes, Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. And I go, Oh, okay. She goes, It's just all the fashion right now to have these backpacks when you're hiking. And I was like, Oh, really? Yes. It's got so many pockets. It's so perfect. It looks great. It's totally useful. I just love it. I've been looking for it, but I don't want to buy it new because it's too expensive. I applaud you for that. But people are carrying around baby backpacks as just regular backpacks because they're fashionable? Yes, all my friends have them, and I'm just dying for one.

I was like, Oh, okay, where are you going hiking? Well, not like hiking in the traditional sense. I mean, like when I'm out in Charleston or St. Simon's Island, and I'm like, Oh, like rich hiking. You mean like walking in front of retail stores?

Just walking around.

With your $1,000 baby bag on your back. At least it's used. I mean, unbelievable. Listen, use the backpack for whatever the fuck you want. I'm not here to tell. I don't think there's any law against using a baby backpack as a backpack.

I guess I was thinking, too, like mothers maybe that had them, are now reusing them to go hiking with. But the walking- Having FOMO over what backpack you have. It happens.

Fomo over the backpack?

That's how the Stanley Cup went crazy.

That's how anything gets crazy. Oh, yeah, we all decided to put that down. I've noticed Stanley hasn't been in the news in a minute.

Beanie Babies, whatever it is, there's always something out there that people want, and then it becomes just a thing. You have to have it.

After the Beanie Baby situation, I am never going to the death to any collectible or fad because it's really not. I told you I went to that Cabbage Patch kid fucking place where the creepy babies just fly out of the lettuce and your kids are asking you all questions about where babies come from and why they come out of lettuce. And I'm like, well, it looks like lettuce when birth is actually happening. You don't want to do that. Don't look. Don't look into the eye of the sun. But I go there. There's hundreds of people in that fucking place. It's all the rage to get a Cabbage Patch Kit again. I thought we got rid of that in the '80s. Now all of a sudden, a whole new generation of people with the Cabbage Patch. I guess I can't fault the lady for wanting the backpack too much, and at least she's buying it used. At least she's being frugal about it. She is, yeah. She's saying, Hey, let me not destroy the Earth anymore. I'll take a used one. No problem. But it made me think, We should have sold that for a lot more money.

I know. We should have posted it in the Charleston Facebook group because apparently there's a lot of people hiking around Charleston. She goes, Oh, no, Charleston. I Walking around Charleston. Walking around Charleston.

It's just flat, becoming more and more under the sea, I think. Yes.

It is a city literally under the sea. They had to build a wall to keep the sea out, number one. Number two, There isn't a nature trail to be found within 10 miles of Charleston, unless you want to be in the swamp, of course. I just thought that's an interesting way to describe hiking as middle of Charleston.

I know. She could have at least said like, North Georgia Mountains and just gone with that.

I know. That's what I would have said. I would have been like, I'm hiking the app. I'm in and out of the app in a couple of days. You know the app trail? Where we got lost at the beginning. We got lost in the app trail, but we didn't We didn't make it half a mile down the app trail.

We weren't trying to even go on the App Trail.

Desperately. If we only had the baby bag, we probably would have survived. We could have put some extra supplies in there. Unbelievable. All right, let's take a break. We'll talk more about our expeditions. We'll talk more about the Appalachian Trail when we get back.

What? Oh, hi. It's Christina again, here to remind you to go to tcbpodcast. Com for all things audio, video, and T-C-B-D-O. Give us a follow on Instagram at the Commercial Break and on TikTok at T-C-B podcast. And guess what? We have a new phone number. I know what you're thinking, but I promise this is the last T-C-B phone number you will ever have to remember. So call us and leave us a voicemail or text us at 212-433-3TCB. Once more for the people in the back, that's 212-433-3TCB. Oh, and check out our YouTube channel at youtube. Com/thecommercialbreak. That's all for now. Let's listen to our sponsors and get back to the show.

And we're I'm back with you. Did you ever go on the Appalachian Trail besides that one and a half miles you went with me? No. No?

But I've known people that have hiked it.

Oh, I've known people that have hiked it, too.

Good for them. My dad hiked. I hiked it.

I hiked it for two and a half days. Part of it. Part of it? Yeah. You need to go all the way up and all the way down.

Yeah, that's a commitment.

That's a task. You got to have six months of your life dedicated to that. You have to have no job, sponsors, rich parents, something. I don't know. Or no parents. I'm not sure, but I've known people who done it all the way up and all the way down. They were just different human beings when they came back. They were strange human beings in the first place, but when they came back, they were really in it. There's an interesting statistic that none of the guys who went to the moon ended up married to their first wife after they went to the moon. Some people believe that there is this real psychological switch that flips when you go so far out there, and we're talking about space or wherever, and you spend this time with yourself. Some switch flips, and it's really hard to relate to other people who haven't also done that. I felt that way about some of the people that went to the Appalachian Trail that I knew, even some that just went for a month or two, didn't even go all the way up and all the way down. I hiked for two and a half days, and I came back.

We were going to do it for two weeks. I made it two and a half days. That's it. Because I was like, Fuck this. I'm not interested.

I like a good day hike. Yeah. But anything over six hours for me is like, okay.

I take six hours a day. By the time I was missed 14 showers, I was really feeling not so great about myself. I had a raging case of, I don't know, app ass, I guess is what they call it. I had a raging case of app ass, and I just I'm not cut out for it. I'm not cut out for much, physically. As I've said before, I am no high performance anything, let alone athlete or trail rider. That's just not me. But I was with this group who really were dedicated to this whole thing. It's It'd be mythological to them to go up the Appalachian Trail, even just a little bit, and come back down. But the people who made it all the way up, or all the way up and all the way back down.

Yeah, all the way up and all the way back down.

All the way down, which I only knew one guy. He was like 20 years old when he did it. He was gone for, I don't know what it was, six, seven months. It is.

Yeah, it's a long time.

You have to do it during a certain time of year. You rely on the kindness of strangers, and occasionally you can find a telephone, a hotel or a warm bed. But most of the time, you're just out there in the middle of the wilderness, and good luck if anything happens. But back then, when I knew the guy who did it, there weren't satellite cell phones. You didn't have coverage in every corner of the United States. So you went out there, and where would you charge it anyway? Where would you charge the fucking phone? I guess now you have battery packs and all this sun. What are those things? Solar. Solar? Is that what they call it these days? That the kids are calling it? Solar panels. You have solar panels that could charge your phone and all that shit. But back then, literally no communication until you got to the next spot where there might be a pay phone or a telephone that someone would let you use. This one particular dude that I knew that went up and back. When he came back, he was a different human being. It was hard to relate to him.

It's like he had touched the face of God and we were all plebes waiting for him to come back. I saw him at a party one time and he had these long beard.

Oh, yeah, the beard is definitely.

Permanent B-O. You know what I'm talking about? Permanent. Because it just baked into his skin. The body odor just baked into his skin. So he smelled like, I don't know, like a Grateful Dead concert in the '60s. And so I saw him at a party and I'm all drunk and I got a bear in my hand smoking cigarettes, two-pagers on a cell phone. What's up, man? How's your Appalachian Trail? It was life-defining, my brother. I'm holding space for you. I don't know what the fuck that means. You want a bud light? No, I'm staying away from the pleasures of the skin in the earth. Okay, whatever, bro. I'm going to get a bud light and I'll come back and smoke a camelight with you. I mean, he was like a different human being. He was like, in a otherworldly way.

I can imagine that that happens.

It does. How are you gone for six or seven months with limited, if any, human interaction in the bears, in the snakes, taking a shit? Listen, just waking up in the morning and having your morning press conference over a bunch of kudzu with insects crawling in and out of your anus and then having to bury it so the jaguars don't get you or whatever. It's got to be. After For a while, it's just got to change your mentality about life in general, about Earth and our place here and all that. I wish, just like the guys who climb the towers, I wish I had that fortitude in some way, shape, or form, any fortitude to do anything that dangerous change. I mean, some people would say, Oh, you did ayahuasca and you go to these weekend retreats, and you went to the parties in the woods. Yeah, I was always 15 minutes from air conditioning. I didn't do anything revolutionary.

Right.

These people did. I watch a lot of these videos of the guys and girls who go across, they sail across the Pacific Ocean or some great distance by themselves in little dinky ass sailboats. There's this one guy who's on a trip right now, and when he can, he uploads videos to YouTube. He's got one of those, I don't know, satellite cell phones or whatever.

Solar.

Oh, my God. This dude went from Chunky Monkey, full dad bod, his tattoos were stretching. You know what I'm saying? In three months transformed his entire body. He's like a Buddha now. He knows everything. He's an old man in the sea. He's talking to the whales. He's calling dolphins, and they're pulling his rig across the ocean. It's unbelievable. It's unbelievable. I think to myself, I am so jealous of this guy and his pursuits in life when all I do is wake up, walk 20 feet, talk on the microphone for an hour, shut it down, and complain about everything in life. This guy's out in the middle of ocean with the whales and the cargo ships and everything else bad that can happen in the middle of an ocean without any communication or human contact. He's just loving it. He's like, Tomorrow, I sail to Bora, Bora. I'm like, Oh, that's nice. Tomorrow, I Change another dirty diaper. Tomorrow, I talk about a live sperm donation on the commercial break.

Well, he also maybe doesn't have 30 children. No. Or maybe he does. Maybe he does. And that's why he's left.

Well, listen, If there's anything that's going to get me motivated to get on that cross trans-Atlantic sailing by myself, it's the 30 children. I'm telling you what right now.

There you go. Keep watching those videos. That can be your motivation. Christie, we just need to- We'll check in with you from your boat.

We need to do one thing like this before we get too old to do one thing like this. You know what I'm saying? I think we got a good 20, 25 years left that we could probably tackle one of these things. Commercial break, live from the Pacific Ocean for 119 nights. We can catch fish, we can swim with the dolphins. You know what's startlingly, I guess, scary when I watch these videos of the people that are crossing the Pacific or the Atlantic? When they do anything out on their deck, they have two, not one, two carabiners with lines attached to them so that if they fall off the side, they don't lose the boat.

Yeah, that's a good idea.

That is fucked. But just think about the minutiae of that. Think about the reality of that, that you have to lock yourself to the boat.

Think about storms that you're going through, waves. All of it.

All of it. Whales pushing you up. Oh, the whales are killing people out in Spain. What the fuck is going on with that?

I don't even know that. Are they killer whales?

The killer whales, the big sperm whales and the killer whales, the blue whales. They are in Spain, some parts of the Mediterranean right now. They are capsizing Yats. 50-foot, 60-foot, 70-foot yats. They're eating the propellers. They're like, You're a bunch of rich assholes. Yeah, you're a bunch of rich assholes. We're sick of you driving around. Get out. Get out. How many of you? Yeah. I read this article. I was going to talk about this on another episode.

What's the show on Bravo? Below Deck.

Below Deck. Yeah.

We've seen too many seasons.

That's right. Get out of here. I don't blame those whales. I just don't blame those whales. But then like some whale psychiatrist or some whale psychiatrist, whatever he is, behaviouralist, he said that a lot of people are interpreting it, that the whales are attacking the boats. Well, yeah, when they capsize the fucking boat, it seems like they're attacking them. He says, no, they're just playing with the boat. That's what they're doing. They're playing with the boat. Oh, how nice. How reassuring. I don't care if they're playing or if they're attacking. I don't want them capsizing my boat in the middle of the Mediterranean. That's just not what I want. Anyway, it is the startling realization that you cannot get disconnected from the boat in any way, shape, or form, that you must be attached to it 24 hours a day, seven days a week, is really, really scary. I mean, who in their right mind thinks that's a good idea? How do you sleep at night? How do you sleep at night? But I think if we had each other to do this, then we could probably survive it together. We could do episodes of the commercial break.

Probably someone would kill someone.

Live from the Pacific Ocean.

Yeah, Live from the Pacific Ocean. Christie's not here today. I threw her on board, but I'm hoping I'll find her soon. I thought I heard her screaming in the middle of the night.

Meanwhile, I'm off riding a dolphin. Hey, Brian.

Meanwhile, you're attached to the Caribbean.

I'm having a great time.

Christie ends up in a wauhu. Yeah. Hey, Brian. Good to see you. No hard feelings about getting thrown off. Exactly.

It was meant to be. Strange thing happened. This dolphin picked me up.

Pack of bottlenecks picked me up, drove me to O'ahu, and on the way, we Mexican cartel. Bags of money and cocaine.

That shipwreck that everybody's looking for. They took me to it. I found it. I've got this pouch of gold coins.

One dolphin opened his mouth and old pirate booty came out of it. It was amazing.

Yeah, it was sparkling everywhere.

So, hey, why don't you go ahead and get another night in the boat? I'll let you anchor wherever you want to. I got to get back to my brand new house being built next to Oprah. Talk to you later. I heard the latest episode of the Commercial Break. Just as shitty as it always was. See you later. Keep going. Keep going. Ride off into the Mystic. Doing a great job. Please, Christie, I just need some water, a steak, and a new microphone. Dolphins made me sign contract, said, Don't give any of that to Brian. They really don't like I know. They took off the back half of my boat. Brian rides in on an old piece of wood with one of those orange preservers on, looking like Tom Hanks. Oh, did it.

That's the way it's going to go. Maybe we should start on the Chattahoochee before we tackle the Pacific.

Yeah, maybe we... Maybe I should be able to swim the entire length of my pool before I try and get Yeah, let's start at your pool.

Yeah.

We'll put a practice boat out there. Let's spend one night and see if we kill each other. Listen, I know that I can't even get guests to come up on our computer right. I'm sure I wouldn't handle a sailboat, okay? Because one thing is common with all these people who are sailing, doing the Appalachian Trail, all the videos that are online, one thing is they all have in common. They're all fucking MacGyver. All of them. Everyone, you have to be. Because everything goes wrong. Everything goes wrong. It always does. You got to be prepared. Yeah. Sailing is not an easy thing to do just in the lake, let alone in an ocean for a 190,9.

I capsized one one time. You did? 4h camp. You did? Really? Yeah.

Most likely to drown. Chrissy gets most likely to drown. Yeah, I don't- That was fun. Yeah. I like boating, but I don't have the best of experiences. The one yacht I've ever been allowed on in my life My kid spelled red apple, red grape juice all over the white carpet. Yeah, it was fun while it lasted, Brian. Fun while it lasted. All right. Well, I hope you all enjoyed your Memorial Day weekend. Yeah. I know we did. We didn't do anything. Stayed right here. Another four-day stretch at the house. We just add on to the 180-day stretch I've already got going. One of these days. One of these days. I keep telling myself, One of these days, Christie. We're going to be rich. Yes.

Yes.

I have firm belief. I have firm belief. Here, look, I have the first dollar we ever made right there under the board. Oh, nice. Right there, signed by me. It's not the first dollar we ever made. We haven't made a dollar yet. I loan myself a dollar to pretend I made the first dollar ever on the commercial thing. All right. You know how it goes. We'd love you on the show, especially if you have been the recipient of a live sperm donation. 212-433-3tcb. That's 212-433-3822. Questions, comments, concerns, content ideas. We take them all with that phone number. So many people have been texting in. We love it. We love it when you text us. We got so many text messages over the holiday weekend. At least I had something to do. I was responding to our fans and our friends. That's right.

Thank you for texting to your audience.

Thank you very much. If you want to be on the commercial break, tell us a story about your live sperm donation or your live sperm whale donation or whatever it is. Anything else. Anything else. Your app trail, your app ass. Give me a call. Text it up on that. Dial us up on that number. Tcbpodcast. Com. That's where you find more information about Chris, he and I. All the show notes, all the sponsor codes, all the links to guests' information. It's all there on the website, the audio, the video, and you can get your free TCB bumper sticker. We call it a bumper sticker. Put it wherever the fuck you like. Do that by going to the Contact Us page, drop down menu, I want my free sticker. Give us your physical address, and away it will go. We'd also like you to go to our Instagram at the Commercial Break. Please follow us there. Tcb podcast on TikTok that we never post on, but follow us anyway. Just make yourself feel good. Make us all feel good. And youtube. Com/thecommercialbreak. For all of the guest interviews, selected clips and shows, you never know what might surprise you on that YouTube channel.

Thanks again to Wendy McClendon-Covey. Go listen to her episode and follow her on her socials. Okay, Christie, I guess that's all I can do for today. I think so. But I'll tell you that I love you. I love you. Best to you. Best to you. Best to you out there in the podcast universe. Until next time, Christie and I always say, we do say, and we must say, goodbye.