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Unbelievably exciting news. My new podcast, the weekly show. We're gonna be talking about the election economics ingredient to bread ratio on sandwiches. Listen to the weekly show with Jon Stewart wherever you get your podcasts, you're.

Listening to Comedy Central. Let's talk about the major news in the presidential race. Ever since Kamala Harris became the de facto nominee, there have been two questions on everyone's mind. One, why does the sun go up and down if the earth is spinning left to right? And two, who is going to be Kamala's running mate? Everyone had their own suggestions. Pick someone from a swing state. Pick a good communicator. One guy was like, pick someone with a sick corvette. Hey, it's over, Joe. Let it go. But most importantly, everyone agreed that it had to be a white man. Well, today we found out if Kamala listened. We begin this hour with the breaking news from the presidential campaign trail, where Vice President Harris has chosen Minnesota governor Tim Walz to be her running mate. Hmm. Hang on, hold on, hold on, hang on. It's a white man. It's a white man. Yeah, you know, I should have known. I have a cousin who's white. So this is big news. Kamala Harris has selected Minnesota governor Tim Walls as her running mate. And the reactions are pouring in.

I think Tim Walls could be an excellent governing partner to Kamala Harris and a real asset here, he does come.

Across as someone who is really relatable.

Somebody that people just enjoy spending time with.

A Trump campaign fundraising text message that went out to supporters goes, quote, Tim Walls will unleash hell on earth.

Okay, look, mostly positive. One. Unleash hell on earth. But mostly positive. Okay, obviously there's some disagreement here. So let's find out about this Tim walls, which, by the way, it's not waltz. It's walls. W A l Z. You see, he's suffering from low T Trump. You can have that one if you want. Now, obviously, I already know all about Tim Walz, as I have a well of knowledge about every governor in America, even the ones from the boring states. But since you guys have probably never heard of this guy before, I googled him in a panic on your behalf this morning. And what I found out is that Tim Walz got a lot done as governor. He legalized marijuana, passed family. Yeah, it's a weed crowd. Yeah. He passed family and sick leave, he codified abortion rights, and he provided. And he provided free meals for all school kids, which. Which makes him ironic. VP pick. Democrats said, man, you've done so much as governor, we'd like to promote you to a position where you'll do absolutely nothing. But if you ask me, his appeal to this ticket isn't just the record as governor. It's his overall vibe, you know?

And that vibe, it's midwestern dad as, hey, everybody.

Tim here. Eleven days till the election, but that's my pro tip of the day. Out on the road. I got to show you this. This right here is the headlight harness on a 2014 Ford edge. Ford. This is unacceptable. It burned out hot on the connector. So for $7.99 at Napa auto parts here in the city, you can replace this. Just clip off the back, use some shrink wrap connectors on there, tape it back together and put it back in. It's about a five minute fix, and you're back on the road, safe and sound.

Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. That is the most dad video I've ever seen in my life. That is a man who watches band of brothers while standing up with his arms crossed. If this dude becomes vice president, they're going to find him out on the White House lawn, changing the oil on a predator drone. Don't call the Pentagon, they'll charge you an arm and a leg. All it needs is a countersunk head bolt. Come here, I'll show you. Come here. Now, here's another classic midwestern dad thing. He's got a Gen Z daughter, and he doesn't quite understand her.

Every year, we as a family do something old and something new. But then we're gonna go get some food. Corn dog.

I'm vegetarian.

Turkey then.

Turkey's meat.

Oh, he's trying so hard. He's trying so hard. You don't eat meat. Well, fish isn't meat. Turkey's kind of like, let's get a cheeseburger. It makes it hard. It makes it harder for the alt right to call you a soy boy when you're like, bison is a vegetable. And Tim Walz is not just a midwestern dad. Now, he's been a midwestern dad his whole life. He served in the national Guard. He has his own award winning tater tots hot dish. How much more midwestern can he get?

In 1994, he married fellow school teacher Gwen Walls. They moved to Mankato in the mid nineties, where he began teaching and coaching football at Mankato West High School.

Oh, my God. He was a small town high school football coach, and he's been married for 30 years. And he's eating a bucket of cookies. Leave it to Minnesota to measure cookies by the bucket. Guy is almost too midwestern. Even his bad stuff is still midwestern.

In 1995, Tim Walls was arrested in Nebraska for driving under the influence. He was driving 96 miles an hour in a 55 miles per hour zone.

Well, yeah, I mean, of course he was driving that fast. He had to get home before he heard anybody driving drunk. He's from the Midwest. I should know. So, yes, Tim Walls has a DUI arrest, but just one. So no wonder voters elected him governor. He's the most responsible driver in the whole midwest. For more on the selection of Tim halls, we go live to the announcement rally with our very own Josh Johnson. Josh. Josh, what's the word on this ticket?

People are liking this decision, Michael, because Tim walls balances the ticket. Kamala Harris is a woman. He's a mandehead. She's from California. He's from the Midwest. She is young, and he is old.

No, no, no. Actually, Josh, they're the same age.

No, no, they're not.

Yeah, they're the same age. Yeah, they are.

There's no way that's true. You're telling me Kamala Harris is the same age as that man looks like the skipper from Gilligan's island.

I know, I know. Look, I know. But they're born six months apart.

I think you a damn liar. Uh, but whatever, because the most important dynamic here is that she is black and he is the right type of white guy.

Right? Type of white guy. What do you mean? There's just white guys.

You can't see it because you're in it, but there's many, many types of white guys.

Okay, I'm gonna have to stop you right there. Cause I find that offensive.

And that makes sense because you are the type of white guy who's easily offended. All right? But there's lots of other types. You got hipsters, jocks, nerds. Those guys that always scream, let's go. No one knows where they're going.

I see. Some of those types are going to, like, waltz, but some are going to like JD Vance.

Exactly. Walls appeals to the older white guy who always tells the same joke to the server at denny's.

You know what I mean?

The one where he points to his empty plate and says, I guess I hated it.

That's a great joke because he clearly loves it.

Meanwhile, JD Vance appeals to the older white guys who say things like, I'm not racist, but. And then say the most racist shit you've ever heard. Tim Walls appeals to white guys who hang an american flag. JD Vance appeals to white guys who hang a bunch of american flags.

You know what I mean?

Tim walls appeals to white guys who call pbs to make a donation. JD Vance appeals to white guys who call Fox News to say their gold coins haven't arrived in the mail.

You know. You know, I was too close to the situation that I missed the nuance of there's different white guys. Yeah. Just like there's different black guys. Like, you know, there's a kind of a black guy.

I'm gonna stop you right there, Michael. You right. Okay. But as your friend, you're correct. But for your career's sake, I'm gonna ask you not to start naming the different type of black guys right now.

Well, look, and I'll be the type of white guy who listens to the black guy. Josh Johnson, everybody.

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Jon Stewart, here. I am here to tell you about my new podcast, the weekly show. It's going to be coming out every Thursday. So exciting. You'll be saying to yourself, tgit, thank God it's Thursday. We're going to be talking about all the things that hopefully obsess you in the same way that they obsess me. The election, economics, earnings calls. What are they talking about on these earnings calls? We're going to be talking about ingredient to bread ratio on sandwiches. And I know that I listed that fourth, but in importance, it's probably second. I know you have a lot of options as far as podcasts go, but how many of them come out on Thursday? I mean, talk about innovative. Listen to the Weekly show with Jon Stewart wherever you get your podcast.

Donald Trump hasn't been having the best time lately. He's losing ground in the polls, his opponents are dominating the news cycle, and someone just showed him what JD Vance looks like without the beard. So it wasn't surprising that when Trump held a news conference earlier today, he had the frustrated energy of a coach after losing four games in a row.

Are you worried at all about Poseidon Harris's crowd?

Oh, give me a break.

He's so mad. He's so mad. That's what I sound like when I check out of a hotel and I find out there was a pool fee. It's like, give me a break. I didn't even know there was a pool, but all right, man, look, just tell us how big your crowds are and try not to be weird about it.

I've spoken to the biggest crowds. Nobody's spoken to crowds bigger than me. If you look at Martin Luther King.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. No, no, no. Hold on. All right, let's be careful comparing yourself to Martin Luther King here. I know you were both investigated by the FBI, but that's about it. Do not try to say that you.

Were more popular when he did his speech. His great speech. And you look at ours. Same real estate, same everything. You look at it and you look at the picture of his crowd. My proud. We actually had more people.

Just to sum up, Trump was asked about Kamala's crowd size, and his answer ended up being, I'm better than MLK. Probably not the best answer, but it could have been worse. Trump could have been like. And out of nowhere, MLK decided he was black. When did that happen? Let's move on to someone who doesn't have to worry about crowd size ever again. The current president, Joseph, rode hard and put away wet. Biden. He just gave his first interview since he dropped out of the race. And after a few weeks of resting, being out of the spotlight, I bet he's energized and mistake free.

Are you confident that there will be a peaceful transfer of power in January.

2025 if Trump wins? No, I'm not confident at all. I mean, if Trump loses, I'm not confident at all. Nailed it. Look, look, that was a huge mix up, but everyone relax, okay? Remember, he's not the candidate anymore. He's just the president, so who cares? Two months ago, watching a video like this would have driven me to start free basing Percocet. But now that he's not the nominee, I can just. Just free base Percocet for fun. No, I'm just kidding. I don't do it for fun. I do it because I'm addicted. Let's move on. Because if you're sick of the presidential race and you wish that you could spend the rest of it as far away as possible, then you're going to envy these next two people.

Some big news from NASA. Those two astronauts who launched on a Boeing Starliner spaceship for a ten day mission back in June. Well, there's word now they may not be coming home until next February.

February 2025.

February 2025. They're gonna miss the insurrection. They were supposed to be gone for a week, and now it's gonna be eight months. And this is not just an eight month trip. This is an eight month work trip. Take a good look around at your coworkers and imagine spending eight months with them. Makes you want to kill yourself live on air, doesn't it? They're not going to be back in eight months either. Things always end up taking longer than they say. There's a formula I use when someone else tells me how long it's going to take to fix something. What I do is I take that amount of time and I add forever to it. Okay? Don't we fake all our space shit anyways, you know, why is this a problem? Just open the door of the soundstage in Burbank and let these people go home. But apparently it's more complicated than that.

NASA and Boeing engineers remain divided over whether it's safe to bring Wilmore and Williams back on Starliner. They're concerned helium leaks and engine thruster problems could pose serious risks. Boeing believes Starliner would bring the astronauts home safely.

I'm very confident we have a good vehicle to bring the crew back with. Yeah, well, if, you know, Boeing says it's safe, I think we can just trust them on this one, right? Yeah. I mean, there are days without an incident sign. Almost up to double digits. They got that. What's that? Oh, I'm being told that the days without incident sign fell and killed someone. Oh. Why are we even still going to space? There's no gravity up there. We can't breathe. I think it's sending us a message. We already have a planet Earth right here, and it's going to be here for at least another 20 years. 15 if you use a plastic straw. But for whatever reason. And so to those poor astronauts who are stuck up in space, I personally, I give them permission to have an affair. You know, zero gravity, baby. It's the perfect excuse. Who hasn't gotten stuck in space and floated inside a coworker? It happens to the best of us. And finally, let's move on to someone we wish would get stuck in space. Elon Musk. Ever since he took over X, formally known as Twitter, formerly known as a good website, he's lost every advertiser except Cheech and Chong, which is what tends to happen when your entire website is just nazis peddling cryptocurrency to porn bots.

So to get advertisers back, Musk could clean up Twitter. Or he could do this.

Elon Musk's social media platform, X, is suing a group of major advertisers over an alleged ad boycott. The suit claims the group organized to block billions of dollars of ad revenue over its concern about a change in brand safety standards since Musk acquired the platform back in 2022.

The lawsuit comes despite Musk previously claiming that he didn't care if brands pulled their advertisements.

There was all of the criticism.

There was advertisers leaving. We talked to Bob Igers.

I hope they stop.

You hope. Don't advertise.

You don't want them to advertise.

No.

Go f yourself, but go yourself. Is that clear? I hope it is. Wow. Wow. Interesting. I didn't think it was possible to look uncool while wearing a leather jacket and telling people to go themselves, but he pulled it off somehow. Now, the go yourself guy might not be the best person to convince you that this lawsuit isn't frivolous and desperate and pathetic, but luckily, Elon Musk hired this lady, Linda Yacarino. And as the CEO of Twitter, it's her job to give his childish outburst the veneer of grown up reasoning. And she explained this whole situation perfectly.

Hey, everybody. I was shocked by the evidence uncovered by the House Judiciary Committee that a group of companies organized a systematic, illegal boycott against X. These organizations targeted our company and you, our users. That puts your global town square the one place that you can express yourself freely and openly at long term risk. No small group of people should be able to monopolize what gets monetized. Rest assured, X has never been more committed to innovating and expanding all of our global town square.

Wow. That was a lot of unnecessary hand gestures. And can we cool it with the global town square thing? This isn't the only website for people to express their thoughts, okay? You know, I'm on Instagram, I'm on Reddit. I've got an onlyfans where I scoop oatmeal with my feet. I'm fine, and I don't do apple cinnamon, so stop asking. Okay. But actually, that wasn't the only video that Linda Yacarino made here at the Daily show. We just got an advance copy of her next one.

I was shocked to learn that people think our lawsuit against advertisers was stupid. I and a waste of time. In reality, we are defending ourselves. Without advertisers, we will die. People say that we are being big cry babies who don't understand basic capitalism, but we believe that we at X should be able to continue to platform sexual harassers and not the whoopsie diverse voices without suffering any consequences. There are not one, not two, but three important reasons for this. Currently, we are drowning in debt, and lawsuits are the only way that we can make money. We are going to win this lawsuit. We need to win this lawsuit because no one else will hire me after this shit.

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Jon Stewart here. Unbelievably exciting news. My new podcast, the weekly show. We're going to be talking about the election economics ingredient to bread ratio on sandwiches. Listen to the weekly show with Jon Stewart wherever you get your podcasts.