Hey, it's Michael. Today, we have something really special for you, a blissful break from the news. It's a news series from NYT Audio called Animal. My colleague, Sam Anderson, from the Times magazine, traveled the world to have encounters with animals, not to claim them or to tame them, but just to appreciate them. Each episode is a journey to get closer to a creature that Sam loves. For the next six weeks, we'll be running this limited series every Sunday here on the Daily Feed. But if you want to hear all the episodes right now, you can search for it wherever you get your podcasts. Today, episode 4. Hope you like it.

Where are we?

Is this actually where- Yeah, I think we're here.

This looks pretty sketchy.

Turn right into the parking lot, then arrive at your destination.

What? What do you see? That license plate. The license plate says ferret. What are you pointing at? Oh, my God. That license plate says, I love my ferrets. It's happening. My people. Okay, let's go check in. I'm going to be honest with you. I'm a middle-aged man. My life is dull and soft. I'm basically a human butter knife. But there's one thing that instantly fills me with joy. Gitty, squey, childlike joy. I found my people. They're loading up a cart full of ferret products. From the New York Times, I'm Sam Anderson. This is Animal, episode 4, Ferrets. How many ferrets were in that van?

I saw-We're not done yet.

It's August, and I've just arrived with my colleague, Crystal Duhame in Columbus, Ohio, which at this moment happens to be the most ferrety place in America. People come from all around.

I came from Minnesota.

Because ferret enthusiasts from all over the country are pouring in for one of the major stops on the National Ferret Circuit, a competition called the Ferret Buckeye Basch. Basically, imagine the prestige of the Westminster Dog Show. But instead of beagles and Pomeranians, it's just hundreds of ferrets. I'm sorry. This is a rolling tower of ferrets. As we're standing in the lobby of the official Competition Hotel, a woman walks in rolling a luggage cart stacked with cages. There's four in here, two in here, three in there. There's brown ferrets Albino ferrets, ferrets lounging around in miniature hammocks and snuggled up in comfy little beds.

This is Phineas Wieselton. He's really long.

Did you say Phineas Weeselton? Yeah. Before I know it- You should see what I've got in my car. I want to see what you guys are doing. I'm helping her and her ferret friends unload. A ferret, for anyone who doesn't know, is basically a weasel. It's long and tubular, like a badger crossed with a snake, but also crossed with a Teddy bear. What am I seeing in the cage that these ferrets are eating?

Are we raw meat? Well, this is salad and chewies over here.

Some of the cages we're unloading are littered with bones and carcasses of whole dead birds. Why is this ferret bald?

They have adrenal disease, which is common, especially in marshal ferrets.

This might be the place to mention that ferrets can be pretty polarizing pets. People who love them, like me, really love them. People who don't love them, which is probably most of humanity, really do not love them. Wait, what happens if I put my fingers in that bottom cage?

He will probably bite you. To the bone.

To the bone. What? The word ferret comes from the Latin for little thief. They were domesticated basically yesterday, historically speaking, around 2,500 years ago. Just for reference, dogs were domesticated more like 20,000 years ago. And ferrets were mainly used to hunt rodents and rabbits. They have sharp claws and oily fur and glands that make them smell weird and also extremely strong jaws, which they are not at all afraid to use. In fact, this is part of why ferrets are actually illegal to keep as pets in a couple of states. But in spite of all that, I have loved ferrets my whole life. As a kid growing up in Oregon, I desperately wanted one. They were at all the pet stores I went to, and I'd go running past the gerbels and hamsters and parakeets and just stand there with the ferrets communing for as long as I could, letting them bite my fingers through the cage. But I was never allowed to take one home. Here's the thing. Unfulfilled childhood dreams, they don't just die. I feel like I might go home this weekend with some ferrets. They follow you around and scratch at you and burrow a hole deep into your heart.

We'll see you guys are out.

Yeah. Hey. How are you? Are you guys checking in? Yeah.

Which is why I've come all the way here to the official hotel of the Ferret Buckeye bash. All right, cool. You guys have a good weekend. Thank you so much. Where are we? Because this hotel is filling up fast with chaotic ferrets and ferret people. All the way down here. One of whom has agreed to help fulfill my childhood dream by initiating me into the ferret lifestyle.

Hello. Hey. Hey.

Please come in.

Hi. Hi. This is Millie Mildred. Hi.

Look at this lady. But the first ferret we meet is actually a large dog.

I'm Sorry. Yeah, I just adopted her on Tuesday, so we're still getting to know each other. Whoa.

Hey, I'm Sam.

Hi, I'm Erin.

Erin Erman just drove here from upstate New York many hours in her tiny car with not only Millie, her newly adopted dog, but also her friend Karen, and of course, her ferrets, whose cages are now wedged around the room. There's one by the microwave, one by the coffee maker. Well, should we meet some buddies?

Yeah, you can.

This is Erin's first time competing in the Buckeye bash.

Yes, this is Genesis. Genesis.

Genesis looks exactly like the ferret of my childhood dreams.

She's gorgeous, right? Yeah.

What a beauty.

Actually, you want to hold her? Yeah.

Nice, really. Nice, sweet ferret. She's so slithery. You know that classic they do in movies when they want to show something is beautiful, the shaft of heavenly light pouring down, angel choir singing. Well, a majestic heavenly light is not worthy of Genesis. If you really wanted to signify the spectacular, otherworldly beauty of Genesis, you'd have to make a shaft of little Genesises pouring down from the sky. Genesis is really checking me out. I'm really being scared at.

She's probably my favorite. She don't tell the others.

Genesis is also the key to Aaron's ferret future because Aaron wants to breed ferrets.

If I could have just a whole line of ferrets that have her temperament and her structure, I'd be very happy with that.

She's such a sweet face.

I know.

Is she your big hope for competition, Genesis?

For him, he's just going to show because he's going to show.

This is when we turn our attention to the other competitor in the room. This is Goosbury.

He The Yin to Genesis's Yang.

Goose. He's born in March. Yeah, Mr. Goose. This ferret is light brown and weirdly small.

But he's still a juvenile, so.

And where Genesis is calm thoughtful and seems to be reciting poetry in her mind, Gooseberry is an absolute freak.

He's trying. He's trying his darndust to get out.

He won't stop moving, thrashing around in circles, biting the bars of his cage. What are you doing, crazy? What are you doing with your claws? Gooseberry is of Hungarian descent, and at six months old, he's technically an adolescent hob, or in human terms, a teenage male. You got me good. You are a nut.

Did he try to take a bite out of the mic?

He grabbed the mic with his jaw. What What animal acts like this?

A ferret.

As Gooseberry works on destroying his cage, there's a knock on the door. This is just chaos everywhere.

Sorry, we'll be quick. I know you got-Hi, no problem.

Okay, so here's your baby's paperwork. It's a ferret delivery. I had no idea you could get a ferret delivered like a pizza. See you tomorrow.

Okay, so this is the first time I'm meeting this guy.

Oh my gosh. Hey, buddy.

Oh, you have a pretty head.

Yes, you do.

Oh, he is a beauty.

He is a beauty, right? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, gentle. Very nice. Very sweet boy.

He's biting you sweetly? Yeah. Why are you into ferrets? When did you first encounter a ferret?

Okay, so I grew up in California, and they're not legal there. So I didn't actually come into contact with a ferret until I was an adult and moved out of California. I didn't hold one until 2019, and the first one I held was Mr. Groot Groot, and I had to have him. As soon as I held him, I just knew that's what I wanted. I don't know how else to explain it. Some people say that there's a dog-shaped hole in their heart or a cat-shaped hole. So I guess it would be a ferret-shaped hole.

And a ferret would get right into that hole. Exactly. Absolutely. I also have a ferret-shaped hole in my heart. My childhood was chaotic. There was a divorce and a bunch of stepparents, and we always seemed to be moving, including a big move from Oregon to California, where ferrets are illegal. Every summer, when I'd go back up to Oregon to live with my dad, I would see the ferrets in the pet stores, and I would beg him to get me one. He would say, No. In my little tiny child mind, everything would have been fine if I could have just had a pet ferret.

I think they're grounding for me.

Grounding.

Which is ironic because they're very crazy, right? They're off the wall.

But it's like you really have to be there with them.

Yeah. You have to be in the moment. Yeah, you have to be in the moment. Yeah, they're very in the present moment. I do have a hard time being in the moment myself. I'm usually thinking about either the past or the future, and I miss the moment, but not with them. You have to be in the moment with them. They demand it. He's being silly, isn't he?

He turned himself upside down and bit the bar. He's hanging upside down from it. A ferret is a paradox. It's so chaotic that it wraps all the way around into Zen. Absolute chaos forces absolute presence. And so tomorrow, when I am immersed in hundreds of squiggly-wiggly ferrets at this show, I'm going to be so freaking present. I might be fully in moment for the first time in my whole life. All right, we should let everyone get to bed. Thank you so much for letting us hang in the hotel room. And who knows what could happen then? Might have to figure out how to get eight ferrets sleeping in hammocks onto the airplane home and a bunch of dead birds for them to snack on.

What's my subscription to the New York Times have me doing this week? Preparing a strawberry pretzel pie, solving Spelling Bee with no hints, planning a trip to one of the 52 best places to go, getting to the bottom of the big pants trend, and I'm finally replacing my vacuum with a recommendation I can trust. What will your subscription to the Times have you do? Why not find out? With our best offer, go to nytimes. Com/subscribe.

She brings her coffee.

A breakfast sandwich, too. Oh, thank you. Erin, how do you not have a ferret vanity license plate?

I know. If I get a SUV or a wagon. I want to call it the Wuzle Wagon and have that on the back of it as a decal and then Wuzle 1 as the license plate.

The next morning, we meet Erin in a parking lot at the Ohio State Fairgrounds. Oh, I just noticed your earrings. Those are great. Erin is all decked out in ferret gear, earrings, T-shirt, purple ferret boots. Hey, Genesis. Today's your big day. This is the day where you win. Genesis is looking glorious. Yeah, she looks even prettier this morning than she did last night.

Now you can see her in the full light.

Yeah, really. Look how clean and perfect she is. Gooseberry, you, is also there. I can't even talk to you. He loves you.

Look at him.

He's not even biting.

I know. He's very calm this morning. He's in game shape. Oh, no. There he goes.

Oh, yeah, that's going to happen.

There he goes.

All right. Let's get him checked in.

We are a real parade of animals heading toward the hall. Aaron carries Gooseberry, I carry Genesis, and Aaron's friend Karen is walking Millie the Dog.

How are you?

Good. Are we going in that way?

That way.

But it turns out we're actually too many animals.

You know no animals are allowed in here. Dogs are allowed in. No dogs are allowed in. Oh. That's pretty obvious. You can't have a dog in this ferret show hall.

Sorry.

What are you going to do with him then? The woman in charge of the ferret show, Scarlett, is saying that Millie has to go.

That will set all the ferrets off.

Okay.

We don't want them biting the gel.

And as we're standing there clutching our animals, Go ahead. You can go. The line behind us starts to back up.

Do you know how many ferrets in there don't even know what a dog is? And you know how good their smelling is?

I am finding this extremely stressful.

So it sets them off. You need me to do it? I'll do it. This is your gig.

This is what you do. That's when Aaron's friend Karen, very stoically, announces that she is going to walk Millie back to the hotel nine miles, halfway across Columbus, Ohio, with this dog she just met. She takes the leash and just heads off.

Okay, where are we? Where did you say we were? Jamie's like, I'm over somewhere.

With the dog gone and feeling slightly shell-shocked, we are finally allowed to enter the hall where we meet up with some of Aaron's ferret friends.

This is Roy.

Hello. Hey, Roy. Nice to meet you guys. Do you feel bad at all about getting yelled at by Scarlett on your way in the door?

No, because I have no idea what's going on.

Everybody will be yelled at by Scarlett.

Everybody, It's just a thing. Just wait your turn.

So she's famous for this? Yeah.

She's really nice. She's just very aggressive. You just have to take it and keep going.

That's perfect because like, ferret owners are the people who could do that the best, right? Yeah. They actually all take it very well.

Yeah.

I just nod and smile because I really don't know what the hell is going on.

So, yeah. I have to say, You seem comfortable existing in a level of chaos.

I do?

Yeah.

Oh.

You seem chill and stuff's going on all around. You don't quite know what's going on.

Probably because I took my anxiety meds today, so that's good. Okay. I take Lexapro, so it's like... Me too. Yes. I had to get mine increased recently, actually. So I'm good now. I'm good now. How many milligrams are we talking? A 20 milligram.

Okay. I'm on 10.

Good. Good times.

Yeah, you do seem very chill, though. Like, getting yelled at about your dog. You're fine. It is what it is. She's yelling at us about the line. Nobody's going ahead of us.

She's fine. I think that as I get older, I just care less. So that But that has something to do with it.

There is that about getting older that I like. I felt that in my 30s for sure.

Yeah, just...

Okay. Now I'm in my 40s. I'm like, hardly even present on this Earth. It's like a floating consciousness unaffected by everything around me. Okay, what's the plan now?

I don't know. I think they start judging at 10:00. Oh, really? I think so. Probably waiting. Oh, a schedule.

Okay. There are so many ferret categories, just blizzards of categories and subcategories. But there's really only one that matters to us, the big one that Genesis will compete in. Breeder. Breeder. That's her. 3:00 to 6:00. 3:00 to 6:00. It's going to be a long day. I know. Which means I have approximately seven hours to marinate in ferrets and to try out the whole ferret lifestyle. We're just walking around, getting the scene and interviewing people. Hey, how's it going? Good. How are you doing? Hey, how are you doing? And as I start talking to ferret owners-Was it about a ferret? Was there something that appealed to you. What becomes clear is that-I feel like, Oh, these are my people. Ferret people are their own special breed.

It's always good to get together with a group of ferret people. And everybody's so kind.

Anyone can own a cat or a dog. She has ferrets on her She's got so many ferret pins on her hat. But ferret owners take things to a whole different level.

I've had ferrets since '97. '86. That was my first ferret in 1982. And then after that, I got more, of course, because there's ferret math, as you can ask any of these guys. You start out with one, you end up with many. I came home with 27 ferrets when I was only going to come home with three. Twenty. That's low for me. They're really cute and they're fun to play with.

He just He came up to me and he was just loving and just really cute.

I started playing with Musky for 10 minutes and I absolutely fell in love.

The love ferret people have for their ferrets.

I love my little golden nuggets.

It is a special love that can lead to some pretty wild situations.

I set up a baby pool.

Like filling a pool with cool whip.

The next thing you know, we let the ferrets go in this cool whip. Of course, some of them just lit. But after a while, you've seen them coming up through the cool whip and down through the cool whip. It was chaos. It was absolute chaos.

So are you all judges?

Yeah. We're board members, past presidents. She's current Treasurer, and I'm in charge of she.

At At the end of the hall, up on a stage, sit two official-looking women, Sally Heber and Vicky McKimmy. And today you're judging.

Yeah, we're judging.

They've been working together in the ferret world since the 1990s, and their official duties have taken them all over the place. Japan, Australia, Germany.

Flights paid. Hotels paid. We helped the folks in Japan set up their organization.

Sally and Vicky helped establish the American American Farrot Association's official judging criteria.

We wrote the standard in a perspective of what did nature mean it to be.

It gets pretty detailed.

What we're looking for is- They're looking at every little bit from snout to tail. Structure of the ferret, so we're actually feeling all the bones. Then we go into the muscle mass. This is very important.

Hundreds of ferrets will pass through the expert hands of Sally and Vicky today, including Aaron's ferrets, Genesis and Gooseberry. What's the rules on biting?

Dq.

Dq. Disqualified. If they puncture, draw blood, they're out of here for all three judges, regardless if the other judges have seen them or not.

This is a long day for you. Long, focused day.

Is it exhausting? Yes, it is. The pool, the hotel closes at 9:00, I'm going to be back there to get back in the hot tub. My wife is calling me. Yes.

All right. We'll have fun.

Judges, to the stage.

We do this as a blind showing if you've never been here before, so therefore the children do not know who is bringing their parents up to be seen.

And then Genesis is up.

I have no idea. Yeah, because they're running behind, so I don't even know anymore. I am a little concerned because I have an appointment to get to at 7:30 today, so I don't know what I'm going to do.

At what time? 7:30? Yeah. In the middle of all this- I got to go get a car. Erin tells me that she has decided to buy a car today.

I acquired another ferret while I was here. Then I was thinking to myself, Where is going to go. I hadn't thought that far, to be honest with you. That's a little embarrassing, but I figured it out.

You had not planned this when you left New York? No.

I mean, it was on the back of my mind.

My car is almost old enough to vote. It has a giant rust hole in the side, and I still cannot bring myself to buy a new one. What car are you getting?

It's a Hyundai Santa Fe Sport 2013.

This has already been by far the most ferrety day of my life. And yet, as the hours crawl by...

One, go.

It keeps getting exponentially more ferret. We watch a tube race. It's going backwards. And then an Elvis contest. Oh, they're weighing. To see you as the fattest ferret. You're being 42.

Look at that big ferret.

And then we peruse the infinite merch tables. You're going to buy any merch? So many T-shirts to choose from. I'm definitely going to buy a shirt. I think I'm going to buy the introverted but willing to discuss ferrets. Yeah, you go wrong. There's a black shirt that says, Ferret hair, don't care. It's covered with little white lines. It looks like actual ferret hair. That's a pretty good one, too. There's another shirt that says, Unless you're a ferret, please away from me. That's the one you should get, revenge of the ferret. By late afternoon. All right, listen up.

We're looking for breeder cops.

Really?

We're still- Things are so far behind schedule But the schedule might as well not have existed. Here in the house, please bring a moment. I've reached a point I didn't think was possible. I feel like I'm going ferret blind. I can't see ferrets anymore. I've seen so many ferrets.

That's a lot.

I've maybe had my fill of ferrets, but that doesn't stop Erin from trying to sell me one of her future ferret babies.

So you're ready now? Maybe. Maybe. Maybe next season.

Yeah, I'm scared to get a ferret. Why? Maybe I'm not up to it. All the energy it takes and all the like... Because I get anxious and overwhelmed and depressed. And then what if... And then this ferret meets me.

Okay, so I get anxious and overwhelmed and depressed, too, and they help. Remember, we take the same pills. Yeah. Just different dosage. And the way that you handle and you look at Genesis, I think you'd be a good ferret, dad, if you wanted. But now, if you get one, you got to get three. Three is the magic number.

I thought two was the magic number.

No, because two is harder because then they'll bond together. Maybe. And then if one of them dies, the other one gets really sad and it dies shortly thereafter. So if you have three, it's just a better life. Yeah, I would say three. Three is like having one, but better.

Looks like we're ready for the breeder gilets.

It's time. Is it time?

Finally, it's time for Genesis to be crowned the greatest ferret ever to live on planet Earth. We head to the stage where Sally and Vicky are working their way down the line.

613. Hey, Katie.

Then they get to Genesis. Here goes our girl. She's a little squirmy. She got a giggle. I don't know if that's good or bad.

Easy, easy, easy. Don't get all excited. It's all fine and good. Okay?

It's like a Marocca portion of the judging and a rubber duck portion.

Don't give them squinkies.

I feel like she responded well to the duck.

It's like silk. I know. Her fur is gorgeous.

As we wait for the scores to be tallied, for the finalists to be called up. It's like Aaron is over there getting all packed up. I see Aaron leaving in the hall. Yeah, there she goes. She's coming back after she gets her new car. It's the plan. This means I am in charge now.

All right, we are ready for callbacks for breeder. 501, 503, 506, 507, 507. 501, 503, 506, 507.

I'm standing clenching my sweaty fist as the announcement calls back all the ferrets that have placed in Genesis's category. Genesis's number is 613. 609, 611, and 612. But they never call it. Genesis wins nothing. Yeah, I feel too blasted to talk to anybody. I actually feel crushed. I got all swept up in the rush of competition, and now my nervous system feels like a dirty old wrung-out sponge. By this point, we've been here almost 12 hours. Things are running so late that the guy who rented out the hall is standing in the doorway looking furious with his keys in his hand.

He's going to be shutting down about 5, 10 minutes. That's all.

Finally. The vendors and breeders are all scrambling, packing their merch and breaking down tables. One of the winning ferrets gets her foot stuck in the trophy. She didn't like that. The whole thing is ending in a crescendo of ferret chaos. All right, we got to lose ferret.

Did somebody pick it up? Yes, but someone needs to identify it.

Yet somehow, there is still one last category left to judge. It's called passport for ferrets with foreign ancestry. Where's these? Which means Gooseberry, our Hungarian ferret, will be the last chance to win anything. Are you handling Gooseberry? But Aaron is still gone. Oh, okay. It's just me and Goose, and I really want the two of us to get a win. I open his carrier, I at him, and he looks at me. Then he pops right out and nestles into my hands like he belongs there, like he's been custom-shaped to fit my grip. How's it going? Good. He's pretty chill. He's interested in my beard. He's definitely going to shoot out of my hands in a second here. Ow. Okay. Bid my arm. Vicky beckons us up to her table. She twists and turns Gooseberry in her hands. She looks in his mouth and his ears, and he doesn't bite her or claw her. For once, he's actually a good boy. And then, very matter-of-factly, she hands him back to me. Like, he's my ferret. He's an addict. We've always meant to do something that it's pretty big. And what if he was? It'd be a really good place for a ferret, for two or three ferrets.

They could really run around and They have their own space. They wouldn't smell up the rest of the house.

In eighth place, it's 905.

Vicky starts calling out the winners, countdown style.

Fourth place is 405. Seventh. Sixth place is 904. Fifth place is 101. It's happening. Fourth place is 901.

Holy crap.

Third place is 109. Okay.

You, little pig.

Can I see 108, 101 or not?

Sam has to show Gooseberry again to break a tie, I think. So are you doing Second place goes to 109.

First place, that's 108. There you go.

Second place. In the final competition of the Buckeye bash, Gooseberry The world's most ferretty ferret, has won second place. Okay, okay, okay. Okay, bud. I got to get this picture. I pick up my triumphant green ribbon. Would you get second, second? Awesome. Yeah. Gooseberry and I get our official Buckeye bash photo.

Congratulations, guys.

All right.

Thank you.

Cool. Congratulations. Thank you. We did it, buddy. I told you we'd do it. I told you coming into today, you were a star and a champion. Is Erin coming back? Just then, Erin texts us a photo of her new car, a brown Hyundai with a giant yellow bow on it. It's big enough to fit her dog, her friend Karen, and all of her ferrets, at least for now. This guy got second place. We text her back a photo of me with my ribbon holding Goose, looking almost terrifyingly happy. Have a great evening. You too. She says she'll be wrapped up with paperwork for a while and asks if I will take the ferrets back to the hotel. Hey. Which, of course, I'd love nothing more. Second place.

Yeah, we did. Holy crap.

Look at you. When we meet Erin, I tell her everything. That's all your ribbons. I have my ribbon.

Yeah, I was going to say, you're going to get that one up.

Then I reluctantly surrender my ribbon, which I was hoping she would let me keep.

Thank you. Thank you for doing that for me, for being there.

My pleasure.

What is that?

He's tired and hungry. We all say goodbye, and when I leave, my ferrets stay behind.

This episode was produced by Crystal Duhame and Larissa Anderson, with help from Kaitlyn Roberts.

It was reported by me, Sam Anderson, and edited by Wendy Dore and Larissa Anderson. It was engineered by Marion Lozano. Our executive producer is Paula Schumann. Original music by Marion Lozano, Dan Powell, and Alishaba Itup. Fact checking by Kaitlyn Love. Special thanks to Jake Silverstein, Sasha Weiss, and Sam Delnick. Also to all the ferret people who showed me their ways, Scarlet Grace sailing, Sally Heber, Vicky McKimmy, and all the many others I met at the bash and at the hotel bar who told me that ferrets don't actually smell that bad, and I should just get one. Aaron Erman now runs Sugar & Spice Ferretry, and I am happy to report that last summer, Genesis gave birth to a litter of 10 gorgeous kits. The father was Gooseberry. You can listen to all of our episodes wherever you get podcasts, or visit our website at nytimes. Com/animal. I'm Sam Anderson. Thanks for listening.