Coming up on the doctor John DeLoney.

Show on a day to day basis, like, in my normal interactions with people, there's no way anybody would know anything's wrong. And I feel totally fine when I'm not actually, like, gambling. But when I have these moments of weakness, it's always just by myself, when I'm just feeling down or alone. It's just. It's not really me, you know, except it is.

What up, what's up, what's up, what's up? This is John with the doctor John Deloney show. And I think my voice just cracked because hashtag puberty. Hey, dude, I'm so glad you are here. Talking about relationships, your mental health, your emotional health, whatever you got going on in your world, in a world gone b a n a n a s. I'm glad you're here. There's a trillion other podcast. Rumor has it this is the best one ever. Of course it's a rumor. It's a rumor. But I'm glad that you're here. And we just. We cover the gamut. We talk about everything here, your marriage, what's going on in your kids school, what's going on at work, what's going on in your dating relationships, what's going on inside your own heart and mind. If you want to be on the show, real people going through real challenges, give me a buzz at 184-469-3291 it's 1844-693-3291 or go to John deloney.com. ask please, please, please hit the subscribe button, especially if you're on YouTube. Hit that subscribe button on YouTube. Our growth has been exponential. It's been amazing. And we want to keep it going. And if you're on podcast, please hit the download button.

It makes such a. Not the download button, the subscribe. Subscribe. Same thing. Keep it coming. Keep it coming. Tell the Internet overlords. Just keep sending me this one. Appreciate y'all so much. Let's go to Raleigh, North Carolina, and talk to not so plain Shane. What's up, Shane?

Hey. What's going on, John? How's it going?

We're partying, dude. What about you?

I'm doing all right. Thank you so much for having me on.

I'm not partying at all. It's like 11:00 on a Tuesday. No partying.

What's up, man? John, my. My question for you is that I just. My gambling addiction is just now kind of beginning to spiral, and I'm just ashamed of it. And I don't really know where to start. And I'm trying to figure out how I break the cycle.

Dude, awesome. Appreciate you calling.

Yeah.

How many times have you said that out loud? What you just said, this is the first time.

Yeah. I've never told anybody about it. It's been kind of just something that's been doing. Just with. Between me and me. That's the first time I said that out loud before.

I like that you called that out already. There's two different use, isn't there?

Yeah. Yeah, there is.

And you're starting to lose control of the other one, aren't you?

Yeah. It's crazy because on a day to day basis, like, just in my normal interactions with people, like, there's no way anybody would know anything's wrong. And I feel totally fine when I'm not actually, like, gambling, but when I have these moments of weakness, it's always just by myself, when I'm just feeling down or alone. And it's just. It's not really me, you know, so.

Except it is.

Right? Right, exactly.

What do you do for a living?

I'm a project manager.

Pretty successful. You're good at it.

Yeah, I like to think so.

Anyways, that's often one of the other challenges is that you're good at one part of your life. In fact, you're probably really good at one part of your life, and you are absolutely out of control in another part of your life. And it's hard to reconcile the two. You start to feel crazy, right?

Yeah. It feels like there's no reason that this should be, like, happening to me. It's like I have. I've had every opportunity afforded to me. I have great people around me, great friends. Like, I can't point to, like, a single trigger or anything like that. And that's just why I feel, like, really ashamed about it.

So, a. I honor that man. Okay. And what we're going to do is we're going to put aside the figure it out stuff for a while. You're a project manager. That's what you do. And so I'm going to ask you to not use the skill set that you were trained for professionally to solve this problem. Okay?

Okay.

And what you're going to have to do is two things that probably are going to be really uncomfortable for you, 100%. They're going to be uncomfortable. Not probably. You're going to attack the behavior.

Okay.

I'm gonna get rid of the Internet in my house. I'm gonna get rid of my phone.

Yeah.

Scorched earth, whatever you have to do. And the other thing you have to do is sit down with other people, real people in the real world, and say, my name is Shane, and I'm out of control, and I can't stop.

Yeah.

I don't know another path. What I do know is you trying to project, manage this thing. It's. Is failing. It's not working right. Okay. How deep are you?

Well, that's kind of the thing is, like, it hasn't gotten to the point where it's, like, completely consumed me or anything. And that's why I really want to try to nip it here. Like, I'm still afloat, you know? But it's just been a thing that's. That's followed me for the last, really, since college, like, several years.

And so when you say you're an addict, what does that mean?

I mean, it's like it's a daily occurrence, really, anytime that I find myself alone, it's something that I am thinking about doing. I take comfort in it. And it's just like online gambling, basically.

Betting on sports. What are you betting on?

It's actually mostly, like, casino games. Okay, sweet. Lots and stuff. And I know a lot of my friends have gotten into it, too. Okay.

Can't care about your friends at all right now. I care about my friend. I care about my friend Shane.

Yeah.

So, step one. And this is going to sound radical, and people listening are going to drop into the show notes and put a bunch of nonsense you have to commit right now. You're not going to read the comments. Fair? Cool. Good.

Yes, sir.

By the end of today, I want you to have cashed out your entire bitcoin purse, all of it. Clear out your exchange. How much you have in the exchange right now?

I don't have anything in the exchange currently. I just buy and send it straight to the casino when I'm gambling, so.

Okay, what card do you use to buy?

It's either a debit card or credit card.

Okay. I want you to cut the card up that you have connected automatic right now.

Okay. Yeah.

To where you can't use it.

I can do that. Yeah.

Are you on your cell phone right now?

I am.

Okay. I. I'm gonna have to take your word for it. If I was there in person, I would make you pull your phone out and delete it all off the phone right now.

Okay. I can give you my word that I will do it, Evan.

Okay. And what we're doing here is the. We're the alcoholic, and we're pouring all of the alcohol down the drain right now. That's just. You gotta get it out of your house before you do anything else.

Yeah.

Okay. And, um, so you say you're not down any. You're still up. Tell me about that.

Well, I'm. When I say a float, I mean, I'm like just treading water, basically. Like, I don't, I don't owe anybody any money, but I'm not saving any money or doing well for myself at all either. Um, and it is the fault of the gambling. Um, like, I. I have dreams to buy a house some day, and it's. It's not something that's going to be able to happen if I keep doing this. Okay.

How have you tried to stop in the past?

A lot of ways. You know, you self exclude, you delete the accounts. Usually what helps me for stopping is I just, like run out of available cash and I almost feel relieved once that happens. And every time it's like I'll stop for a week or two and feel pretty good about it. And then. But then I get comfortable again. I start making money again. And then the money starts going away again.

Okay, here's my question. When you. You take two weeks off and then you pick your phone up and you have to log back in.

Yep.

What is going on in that moment when you blow past everything and you log back in?

It's just like a. It does feel like a withdrawal in a lot of ways.

No, but something. Something pushes it. Is it an annoying email at work? Is it boredom? Is it just habit? Like. So, for instance, I started tracking. Why do I keep grabbing junk food? There was two things. One, if I was heading to a meeting that I knew was going to be combative, or if I just received some feedback, even if it was from good natured. But if it was just showing I had a deficiency. Hey, I watched your talk the other day. You were standing like this again. Make sure you do this next time. Or. Hey, John. You were late to this thing. It was just a way my body floods itself and it was a way for me to numb out that flood. So have you identified in the other? The other one was. It was just there. It was always just right by my desk. There's this woman who always has this candy right by my desk. I just grab it when I walk. It's just mindless. What is yours? Why do you. Why do you log back in? There's got to be a triggering moment there.

I think it's kind of both. Like it is always there. Like I live by myself. My computer's always just sitting there looking at me if I'm not actively doing something. But certainly if I have a negative emotion, a bad day, a difficult conversation with somebody from work or with a family member or something, it certainly inspires me to go to the computer.

Okay, so it's a cigarette or it's a Xanax, right? Okay.

Yeah.

It's just a numbing agent. It just is going to end up costing you everything.

Right.

Have you ever been tempted or have you taken out money yet beyond the cash you have?

Outside of, like, I have used the credit card before and I'm still paying those off.

Okay, so you're not net neutral.

Right. How much are you down? I'm basically breaking even every month. Like, I get my paycheck, I pay off the credit cards and then restart.

So you lose every month a couple thousand bucks. You get just enough money because you're making a good salary, but you're by yourself and so you can pay off a couple grand every month.

Exactly. Right.

How long you been doing this?

That's the thing is, it's been kind of involved in my life in one way or another for several years now. I grew up around it. I grew up even, just in little ways, gambling, like, whether it's with my friends, poker nights or on the golf course or whatever. But really it's been bad since. For the last maybe four years or so. Three or four years.

Okay. $2,000 a month, 3000. How much?

I'd say one to 2000 a month.

All right, let's do two because it makes the math more sensational.

Sure.

It's, uh. It's 24,000 times four. So roll round up. It's a hundred grand.

Yeah.

That's a house payment. I mean, a house down payment, right?

Yeah.

That's a car and your kids, uh, first two years of college.

Yeah. And I. It's crazy when you frame it like that because, like, the. The $50 to $100 a day, it doesn't feel like it.

That's right.

Um. And it adds up like that. It's just insane.

Yeah. And I bet you just low balled me, too.

That was pretty fair number, but sure.

Okay, so here's the deal. I wish there was another path forward, but you're going to have to decide that this ends. And God bless you, dude. The number of people I talk to on a regular basis on the radio show that I co host, that are 200 in, 300 in, 500 in. You're just a hundred down. And you've been able to float it because you're single and you have a good job, but you're one bad loss away from needing to borrow some, and then that's going to carry over. Then suddenly, here we go, we're off to the races. And you know that. That's why you called, right?

That's why I'm here. Yeah, exactly.

Okay. When we get off this phone, you got to delete the apps off your phone. It may be that you have a friend or a family member that you can call. And actually, I want you to do three things. Okay?

Okay.

Actually, three things to start. And then I'm going to add a fourth thing. Number one, as soon as we get off this call, you're deleting all the apps.

Okay.

Thing number two, you're calling all three credit reporting agencies. Experian. What are the other ones, Kelly? That's often off top of my head.

Equifax and Tran, transatlantic or whatever I came with.

The third one is you can call them and you can put a break on your credit where you can't borrow.

Okay.

Can't. They can't take anything out.

Transunion.

Transunion, that's right. Part two of that. I want you to call and cancel all your credit cards, and I don't give a crap about your credit worthiness right now. Okay?

Yeah.

And here's what we're doing. We're just getting rid of all the bottles out of your house. The third thing is, I want you to call a friend or a family member that you trust and say, I'm not.

All right.

I'm getting over my head.

Yeah.

Do you have somebody you can call?

I do. It's going to be hard, but I know.

Is it somebody you can meet with in person?

Yes.

Who is it?

My sister.

Okay. She's safe?

Yeah.

She won't beat you up. She'll sit with you.

She'll sit with me.

Okay. The final thing is, before the day is over, you make a call and you find out where the meeting in your local area is, and you go tomorrow morning, and that's a. That's a full stop. You got to. You got to. When you find yourself lying, when you find yourself thinking about all the time, when you find yourself making these big, sweeping commitments and promises and you can't keep promises to yourself. I want to stop. And it keeps showing up, and it keeps showing up and it keeps showing up, and you can't project manage your way out of it. Sit down across from somebody and say, my name's Shane, and I'm over my head and I can't stop. And we're going to walk alongside people and it may end up I'm going to turn the Internet off of my house. It may end up I'm going to give a family member, a friend, a bank code. So I can't get on my online bank and move stuff around without this code. And they're going to put it in for me. So I got to run expenses by. That's so much, it's ridiculous. You sit with somebody who's burned through half a million dollars and they're about to retire and they have nothing and there is no such thing as, that's too much.

You do whatever it takes, Shane. I'm proud of you. My guess is you got some stuff going back. And my guess is you're real lonely, you're real successful, and you're going home to an empty apartment every day. And it's lonely. It's hard. So your adventure here is going to be to find some friends, find some community, find some people to do life with, and it gives you an emergency fund for your life. Let your body rest that way. When that boss says, hey, you didn't do this right, or that customer says, you didn't just right, that's fine. Like, I may not have done that job with excellence, but I'm still a person of dignity, right? Those don't get all mushed together. Proud of you, man. Appreciate you making the call. And I'm going to send you a copy of building a non anxious life. It's not about addiction per se, but it is about creating a world where your body's got margin to exist in. And often it allows you to build that mindfulness gap before you reach for. The thing is trying to wallpaper over the feelings and emotions that you have. Proud of you, dude.

Now the ball's in your court, man. It's your shot. We'll be right back. All right, here we are, heading into the season of chaos. Summer driving board, kids travel plans, camps, extra yard work every weekend. Travel, sports, travel, sports and travel, sports and so much more going on. It's important right now that you make concrete plans to keep doing the things you normally do to keep you spiritually plugged in well and whole. And for me, and hopefully for you, Hallow will continue to be my go to guide for prayer and relationships to God, especially as things get bonkers. Hallow is the app that's easy to download, and it has daily prayers, lecture series, meditations, music, stories, nighttime sleep programs, and more. In this summer, they've even added some radio stations for those long family drives. And they've added spiritual, classic audiobooks for fellow nerds like me who like to drive or mow or clean and read a book at the same time. In this June, Hallow is launching their summer Bible study on the Gospel of John. And you can join biblical scholar Jeff Cavins and Jonathan Rumi, who portrays Jesus in the chosen in this transformative bible study.

Look, because you're a Deloney show listener, you can try out hallow for three months for free. That's basically the whole summer, so why not give it a shot? Go to hallow.com deloney today for three free months. That's hallow. Hallow.com deloney. All right, let's go out to Dayton, Ohio and talk to will. Well, well, well. My Michelle. What's up, Michelle?

Hi, doctor John. How are you?

Excellent. How are you?

I'm wonderful. Thank you so much for taking my call. And thank you for writing that book, how to build an on anxious life. It is an amazing book.

Wow. Thank you so much. I'm really grateful that you found some usefulness with it. I appreciate that.

Yes, sir, I did. I brought it to the total money makeover event last year. You signed it and I've read it quite often since then.

Very cool. That's awesome. Well, how can I help?

How do I support my children? Alcohol is freely open and available at their dad's house when they go to visitation, when they go to visit him. Two of my children are underage and it's freely there. It's, hey, let's do jell o shots before the kids birthday party. Hey, let's do, you know, margaritas with dinner or whatever. What else? It's freely available. How do I support my children as they're walking through this?

How old are your kids?

1719 and 21.

Gosh, it's so lame. Not you. It's just so lame that an adult needs the approval of a 17 year old by doing jello shots. It's just so lame. It's embarrassing for adults everywhere. You know what I mean?

Yes, sir.

God, I agree, dude. And here I, you could probably hear it. I get very few things. I just get mad about and I get Insta pissed about this because for 20 years I worked at the university where that 17 year old rolls in and is devastated. And it's trying to navigate life with parents who just sucks, man. I hate this for you. All right, so I'm going to be annoying. Let me just back up. What have you tried so far?

Well, there. There's been several conversations about it. Normally. I'm just trying to support them. They've, to my knowledge, they've never brought anything to me where they've caved. It's just out there and it's available. One of my daughters did come to me around the father's day timeframe in 2023. Felt like their dad had an alcohol problem.

No, really? Jeez.

I know. Alcohol was never available in the house growing up. They never saw it. It was not readily available. Their grandfathers on their dad's side were both alcoholics, therefore, that was something that they were sensitive to. We didn't keep alcohol in the house since he's were divorced and he's gotten remarried, readily available in their house. So I'm just trying to support my daughters, listen to them talk through the issues that they're facing and be the voice and the sounding board that they can come to.

So there comes a moment when he stops being your ex husband and he becomes an adult male who's offering your teen children alcohol.

Yes, sir.

Do you reach out to him?

I have not.

Why not? And that might not be safe. It might just be a war. Like, why haven't you reached out to him and say, if you offer alcohol? Well, number one, I think legally, depending on where you are, he might be. He might be allowed to. You can have alcohol underage if there's a parent present in restaurants in certain states. And so it just depends. Why haven't you reached out to him yet and said, stop?

I don't think the conversation would go very well. We aren't. I mean, we're co parents to the children. We live a good distance apart from one another, so there's very little interaction. He stopped reaching out and asking for the youngest, who is under the visitation rules as of now, she graduates from high school in two weeks. And so there's little interaction in that way. I know he would support his new wife, and she's the main one that I hear the stories about, and I know that I'm just the ex wife.

You're the mother of these children.

Yes, sir, I am.

Right. You're the one that will be burying the 19 year old if she succumbs to her dad's peer pressure like every 19 year old on the planet does, and has six jello shots and decides to drive home.

Yes, sir.

You know what I mean? Like, I don't know. I mean, I get over sensationalized about this stuff because I've buried kids. I've had to call their parents and say, your kid's not alive anymore. And so I. My bell curve is so shifted from, it'll be fine. Statistically speaking, it will probably be fine.

Yeah.

Your daughters are getting a ring side seat to an out of control parent and a not out of control parent. And I hate that for them. That's. That's the world they still live in, right?

Yes, sir.

And I hate that as well, too. I know. I know you didn't draw this up, and you're probably still grieving this.

Yes, sir.

I don't know. I told my kids that at an early age, your parents are weird, and your dad's unfortunately walked with a lot of teenagers and young adults. And so I have some pretty firm boundaries where other parents who aren't. Don't have to talk to a parent and say, hey, your child's not with us anymore. Might not have. Might have different boundaries. Fine. I would just blow every whistle I have. It's, if you offer my daughter alcohol again, I'm going to call who I have to call. And in Ohio, it might not. Maybe calling child protective services does nothing. Does nothing. Um. And maybe it's just a matter of telling your daughters, I'm gonna ask y'all to be strong here, or it's okay. Okay. And it's also okay to say, I 100% disagree with what your dad is doing. I think it's wrong, and I think it's not right. Right. Like, it's wrong. Like, legally. And it's not right morally. Ethically. You know what I'm saying? And that's different than saying he sucks and he's a piece of crap, because then, by proxy, you're telling them that half of them is. Is. Sucks and is a piece of crap.

But you are more than welcome to tell a 17 year old your dad is not making a good choice.

Those are the conversations that we've had when supporting them.

Good.

You know, good. Stay strong. This. You guys are smart. You can do this.

Right?

I'm not saying there's not a bottle of wine at my house, I think, or something like that.

That's totally fine.

Not something.

They're.

They're presented with it at my house. And I support them in their tough struggles that they. When they go over there, it's not. It's not easy. And there's also a, you know, a one year old and three year old at the house as well, too, because why not, right? Exactly.

Here's the other thing. They. Here's a fine line. It's very hard with a 17 year old and a 17 year old. 1819 year old. This is a very mature conversation. Both. And is a tough grasp. Is a tough concept for adults to grasp, much less 19 year olds. Okay. Even though they're technically classified as an adult.

Yeah.

But you have to walk a thin line between saying it's against the law, it's not smart, and it's not safe. And I hate this is happening. I hate your dad and your stepmom is putting you in this position. And if I ever need to come get you, I will come get you. No questions asked.

Yes.

Because I know that. Okay, good.

I'll even drive the almost 3 hours.

I'll drive 3 hours. I'll come get you. I'll get an uber to come get you and take you to a hotel and I'll come pick you up. I will come get you and I will not be mad. I won't be. There's an adult in their life called dad who's offering this to him. Right. And so beating up a 17 year old for doing what dad said is tough. Right. That's a tough very. Just sucks. I won't get mad. I'll be sad, I'll be heartbroken because I want you to be safe. But I love you. I'm gonna get you and I'll drive you home, and we'll listen to whatever music you want to hear. Like they need to know. Please don't do this. And I'm never gonna leave you isolated. I don't ever be scared to call me. And that's a tricky thing because it's some. It. For some 18 year olds, you're like, oh, sweet, cool. And for other 18 year olds, it's, oh, thank God. Right?

Yes, exactly.

So, yeah, I don't know. The legalities of Dayton if. And again, 17, 1819 cpS, maybe. So child protective services, whatever they're called in your area, might be so overwhelmed, they're like, yeah, we're not gonna deal with that. We have too many seven year olds being abused right now for our caseloads. Again, I just operate in a world where I wish adults would act like adults. And you could pick up the phone and call them and say, hey, our 17 year old and our 19 year old are uncomfortable that your new wife keeps offering them jello shots before a child's birthday. Please, please don't offer the kids alcohol until they're 21. But I also know that there are adults that will then get mad at the 19 year old. You told your mom I can't believe. Dude. I thought so. I get it. Just stinks. So, making sure your daughters know they can always call. There's never a moment they can't call. You will figure out a way to get them out of a situation. If they need a driver, they need whatever. Here's an Uber card. You always have it. And I'm gonna do whatever I can to keep my kids safe.

And even if I look like a jerk doing it. I hate that you're in this situation, Michelle. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. It sounds like you're handling the best you can, the tools you got, and with the emotionally immature husband and new wife adults. If you ever find yourself having to try to be cool to impress a teenager. Stop. It's embarrassing. You're the adult. You're not supposed to be cool to a 17 year old or a 19 year old. My God. Quit. You're the adult. Stop. Jeez Louise. You're gonna get somebody. Kill. Ah. Thanks for the call, Michelle. I wish I had better, like, oh, just do this. But this one's messy. Sheesh. We'll be right back. I love my helix mattresses. I ordered a helix for every bedroom in my house, for my bedroom, my kids, our guest room. And unlike other mattress companies I've used before, the shipping came so quickly, it was delivered right to my door. And, yes, the mattresses are incredible. Helix has been awarded the number one mattress picked by GQ and Wired magazine and more. It's even recommended by multiple leading chiropractors and doctors of sleep medicine as a go to solution for improving your sleep.

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Hey, Maria.

Hi, doctor John. Thank you so much for taking my call.

Of course. What's up?

So, my husband and I have been married for three years. It's been a very challenging three years, but we just had a son who's about month and a half, and my husband expressed interest of being a stay at home parent. And I'm just wondering, like, if this is the right decision for us financially, for the development of our child and.

You don't respect your husband. Why not? I can hear it. You're trying hard. Just say it.

Oh, my gosh. I just. I. Maria. Yes?

We are in a super, everything's got to be delicate world, and you're not allowed to just say things because I don't want to sound like we have to blow by all of the things you're supposed to say and not say. Get right down to your guts. I can hear it in the way you're dancing around this. I've talked to too many wives who don't respect their husbands. You don't respect this dude. Why?

I just don't think he's worked okay really hard for something you really want until our son came along.

Okay, stop right there. Stop right there. Have you ever said that out loud before?

No.

Okay. Thank you for saying it. You're gonna feel a weird mix of guilt and, like, powerful relief that you put out into the universe. Okay.

Yeah.

Three years. It's been hard. In three years, you've been. Do you work full time?

I do. I work from home. And we. We've had a lot of fun coming up until we got married because life just through some really tough challenges, like, we lost a child at 30 weeks of our pregnancy. We moved to a place where we didn't have, like, we didn't know anybody, and we bought a house. Like, lots of change. Lots of change within the short period of time. And now we have another big life event, which is our son. And, you know, I remember asking my husband when we were dating of, what do you want most out of your life? And he said he wants a family. And my gut says, let's do it. Let's have him be a stay at home parent. And I do work full time, and I do work from home, so we'll be around each other a lot, but I'm scared. I'm really scared.

How far along are you right now?

We're a month. Well, he's here. He's there. We made it. He's a month and a half old, and my husband was only able to stay home for two weeks, and I'm still on maternity leave, so I've been with my baby practically 24/7 if you.

Could snap your fingers and stay at home forever, would you or can you not wait to get back to the office?

I love my job. I have dreamt for the job that I have, and I love my son. And I don't want to be stuck, like, having to choose a career over my son because my son's going to win. But we still need money. Right?

Right.

My husband, on the other hand, has a love hate relationship with his job, and he is very in love with my son. Well, our son. Sorry, our son. Very in love with our son. And so I think it would be very easy transition for him. That does put a lot more responsibility on me in terms of financial and being the breadwinner and being able to manage that.

Can I tell you what I think's at the root of some of this?

Yeah.

And what I'm going to say is going to get a bunch of mean comments on the Internets, and I'm okay with that.

Okay.

Yeah. I don't. It's. It's fine.

But mean Internet commenters direct these at me, not at Maria. Okay. Here's what I think. I think y'all are both feeling the reverse of what the world has said. Here's what I mean. There's a lot of talk out in the world, and I'm surrounded by powerful, both academic feminists and employment feminists. Like, that's the world I've inhabited for 20 years. Okay. But there's a particular pitch that I want X, Y, and Z, responsibilities, professional, etcetera. And you are feeling the weight of the household now that has been largely ignored by men, from men for all these years. Like, they just do this. They just go to work, and there's this. Oh, my God. You carry the whole thing, right? It's heavy. And on the other side, your husband thinks this is just going to be easier than working, and he is nuts. Right?

Yeah. And I kindly remind him of, hey, if you stay home, you're going to feel a whole different type of exhaustion. You're going to feel whole different type of emotion that you never thought you had.

Here's what I think. You're scared of Maria. And if this is what you're feeling. I think you're right, because this is what I'm feeling. I think you know as well as I do, you're going to be a full time mom and a full time employee at home. Yeah, because he doesn't work. He's always complaining about things. When they get tired and they get hard, they get heavy, and he thinks he's going to get to just hug his little baby, and it's a ton of work. And if he's staying at home and you're carrying the entire house on your back, then he's got to clean the toilets and take out trash and clean dishes and make meals.

Yeah. The good thing is he does some of that already.

No, but not. Not on. Not all at the same time.

Yeah, that's true. That's true.

And then here's the deal. In three months. Well, this is a lot. And then what are you going to do?

Yeah. And we. We are meeting a nanny this afternoon to kind of. To see what her. To meet her and interview her. But essentially, his salary would be paying for her to be in the house.

That's because. Hold on. What does he do for a living?

He's in. He's. He's in construction. We'll just leave it as construction. So he works anywhere. Leave, like, 30 in the morning, and sometimes he doesn't come until, like, 07:00 at night. So he works really long hours, and he's very exhausted when he gets home. So right now, I mean, everything's so fresh. Our son's only a month and a half, but when I need a break, when he comes home, he doesn't also just have the energy, so he tries. He'll, like, suck it up. So I can take, like, an hour to two hour power nap. But I also don't think that's fair for our son or for the both of us, because I get it. We're managing, and we've been very kind to each other throughout this process, even when I'm a little bit more fire and he's a little bit more water, but even in those moments, I'm really heated just because I'm so exhausted. He's just so kind to me, and so it really brings me down to be the same to him. And, you know, our son will benefit from it, because when we take a moment, we can then, like, breathe, care for our son, and, you know, move on and make it through.

Hey, Maria, Maria, Maria, Maria. Your kids gonna be okay for real? Stop for a second. Okay. You're a good mom, and your kid's gonna be okay.

I was not anticipating to be so emotional.

Maria, your kid's gonna be okay, all right? And I think y'all are being really nice to each other. I don't think you're being very kind, because kind is about clarity and clearness, and you're one month into having your entire world blown up. You're supposed to be tired, and you're supposed to be snappy, and you're supposed to not know what day it is. Okay? All that's normal. And I take back what I said about your husband. It doesn't sound like he's lazy. He sounds like he works 14 hours a day.

Yeah, he's really. He is a true hard worker.

Okay, I take that back. I suck for saying that. That was wrong. There's something about coming home and collapsing on the floor and having a newborn babble around and pluck your hair while you're just in that staggered state of. I just got home from working a 14 hours shift and there's a newborn here and my wife just passed out of sleep standing up. Right? That's life with a newborn. You guys, relax. You're trying to over engineer this thing. Y'all are. Baby's gonna be fine. Baby's gonna be okay.

I mean, it was a challenge for him to hear.

Hey, it's a challenge for everybody, okay? And if you can't wait to get back to this work, you're not a bad mom. And if you, a month from now, are like, I cannot hand my baby to a nanny, and I don't want to hand this baby off to my husband, you're not a terrible woman of the 21st century. You're a mom. You get to do whatever you want, okay? And if you don't respect your husband, he already knows it, he feels it, and he has for three years. And so if it's time for y'all to have a hard conversation about, hey, I know you like your job, or you don't love your job, the time to do something different is right now. So, yeah, you can stay at home with baby, and you're also going to get another degree or you're going to get training or you're going to whatever you got to do. But it sounds like the way you explained it, he more wants to not do what he's doing than he does. Like, wants to dedicate his life to being the best stay at home dad. Wants to be the best stay at home dad.

Awesome. He just has to count that cost. And it sounds like maybe if he can do work twelve hour shifts every day or 16 hours shifts of manual labor. Man. Maybe he will be able to pull it off.

Zachary?

Yeah. He's very confident. And I think it's. I think it's more me than it is.

Okay.

And I think I need to trust him.

And is he trustworthy?

Yes. Absolutely.

Cool.

Absolutely. So I think it's more me than it is him.

Here's what I want you to reconcile with. And this is just a conversation you can both have together. Okay. By the way, don't tell me your husband's name. I'm going to call him Dan. Hey, Dan. I said mean things about you early in this call, and I take it back. Sounds like you're a pretty great guy.

He's so wonderful. He really is.

And you're a great guy. Don't come up here and kill me. All right. So it sounds like you're trying to hold on to your life, your previous life, and add a baby to it. The life that you had is now officially over. And that's both something to grieve and also pretty amazing, because now you get to build whatever you want to next. But if you go down to one income and you had a child and you decide to be the breadwinner, that's just a different weight. It's heavy. And it's going to look different than probably you drew it up. And you might not be able to drive car x. You all may have to turn the thermostat up two degrees, and it's not going to be perfectly comfortable because the electric bill got expensive. Or he may have to be a full time dad Monday through Friday, and then on Saturday and Sunday, he's got to go work part time somewhere. Y'all gotta figure some things that right? Your old life is gonna look different than your new life. It's. When you try to drag old life into new life, it gets into be a jumbled mess.

And so sitting down together and saying, okay, what we had is over. Now we have this beautiful little baby boy and we're about to blow the whole thing up. What does that mean financially? What does that mean relationally? What does that mean with everything? And by the way, one month is not the time to have this conversation. Right.

Got it.

One month is time to survive.

Got it.

If your husband was to quit his job and be a stay at home dad for one month and hated it and the whole house imploded, could he go back and get that job back?

Absolutely. They would love to have him back.

Okay, then take it 30 days at a time. Take it 60 days at a time. We're going to try this for three months.

That makes sense.

There's no and then if it doesn't work, we go, cool. That didn't work. Right.

I think this is the most kind of validation I've had, because I've, you know, I talked with my friends and everyone's like, oh, you have to figure out what's right for you. And I'm like, but I don't know what's right for me. I don't know what's right for us.

Figure out what's right for 90 days. It feels like every decision is the rest of your life. You're a good mom and he's a good dad. Your kid's gonna be fine. Make sure you read books to your kid and make sure you feed them. They will be okay.

Will do. Will do.

You know, I mean, you know, I mean.

Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely.

It's. It's one of my great privileges in my life to talk to you.

Thank you. Yeah, I'm. I was really pleasantly surprised that I was able to get on this show.

No, it's awesome. Just know that that silent weight of generations of men living quiet lives of desperation, a lot of that originates in carrying the weight of a household and having nobody to do life with. Carrying a house is heavy, and it's an unspoken weight, the same as, but different. Taking care of a human being is heavy. It's exhausting. There's so much into it.

Yeah.

Every second, right? Yeah, it's all of it.

And this tiny little person needs you.

Yes. And you figure that out when, like, they have to eat, you figure it out when you have to go to the bathroom. You're like, oh, yes. You're coming in here with me. Right. I guess you're gonna watch, cuz I gotta go. Right. It never stops.

Right, right. And we have animals, so it's like, not just babies, the animals.

Of course you do, Maria, because you're like, you know what? How can we complicate this further?

Yeah.

It's both of you deciding what kind of world do we want to build together, and then what do we got to do to make this world a reality? And let's give it a shot for 90 days. There's nothing we can't take back. And if he's a skilled craftsman, if he's a construction guy, if he's good at, I don't know, cabinetry or tile or roofing or he's a project manager and he can step in and out, dude. Perfect. Perfect. And there's going to be some reality adjustments with your budget. There's going to be some reality adjustments with the life you all are used to, because it's different. I got a human in there, and you being the sole breadwinner, you're just going to feel like that squat bar. It's whoosh. It's heavy. And you're gonna have friends, and you're gonna leave the house, because if you find yourself nine months from now and all you do is sit inside the house and work inside the house and then have kid inside the house and then be married inside the house, you're gonna go stone mad. You gotta have friends to go visit and go see. You gotta learn to play golf or go have drinks with, not have nachos, whatever.

You gotta go be with people. They'll help you carry the load. And then he's gonna go from being a construction guy to a stay at home dad, which is kind of amazing. And if he loves it, awesome. And if he hates it, awesome. We'll figure it out then. Two to three months at a time. There's no take backs. I mean, there's no not take backs. You can take back whatever you want. You can change. It's good. I'm proud of you, Maria. You're a good mom. You're a good mom. I'm gonna send you building an un anxious life. I want you to use that as your roadmap. Hang on the line. It'll be my gift to you if you. Your new baby gift. And again, tell your husband, give him a big hug. He's gonna say a kiss on the neck. That'd probably be too much from a stranger like me. Just give him a hug. Tell him he's doing a good job. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by Betterhelp. All right, here we are. We're almost halfway done with the year. Can you believe that 2024 is flying by? So let me ask you something.

What's something you're really proud of so far this year? What's something you're still hoping you can change direction on? And is there something that's haunting you, not including the presidential election that's coming up, but something that's just hanging on that you need help in overcoming? As we get older, life picks up steam and it moves so, so fast. And it's so important to take a moment to celebrate your wins. And it's also important to stop midstream and make adjustments for the rest of the year. Therapy can be a place where you can take stock of your progress and set achievable goals for the next six months and beyond. Therapy is a safe, effective place to get things off your chest, to learn how to say scary things out loud, and to figure out how to work through whatever's been weighing you down, especially the first part of this year. I have been personally blessed to have a great therapist who I can talk to and who helps me work through things, analyze what's going on in the past, and create a plan for how to get better in the future. If you're thinking of starting therapy, give better help a try.

It's totally online, it's totally convenient, and it's flexible and it's suited to fit your schedule. You just fill out a brief questionnaire. You get matched with a licensed therapist you can switch therapists to any time. It doesn't cost you any money. If you're ready to take a moment and be super intentional for the rest of 2024, call betterhelp. Visit betterhelp.com deloney today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp help.com deloney. All right, am I the problem? Kelly? Let's do it.

You asked me that almost every episode, and the answer is still yes.

By the way, agree or disagree?

All right. This is from Lauren in Pennsylvania. I'm a stay at home mom of a five and three year old and homeschooling my oldest. My husband and I are slowly working through baby step two with almost no margin. We are finally at a place where we are not drowning financially. When I express the want for regular date nights, he looks hurt and asks if I'll ever be satisfied or content. He works a lot because we couldn't survive unless he does. I consistently feel disconnected from him and drowning in motherhood. I feel like I'm raising our children by myself. Am I being selfish for wanting to sneak away and reconnect without our kids running between us? He says that he would also like to go on date nights, but seems relieved when we can't make it happen financially.

I don't think anybody's the problem here. I think it's just a lot.

Totally agree.

Just a lot. It's we're trying to get into a safe place financially. We got three kids running, always at the house. Mom's lonely, dad's exhausted, and yeah, when it's framed as I need a date night that goes into his, it's another chore for him. It's another shift versus hey, honey, I want you. I miss you, and I want to be with you. That's a totally different proposition. Yeah.

And would it help maybe if they could, you know, could they get someone to watch the kids, family member, whatever, and then do something free or really cheap, you know, go to the park and walk around? I mean, there's a million free date things you can do. Would that take some of the pressure off if he didn't feel like, you know, I have to work so many hours just for us to do this date night?

Well, it's. It would be awesome if money wasn't an object and he got to really focus on constructing romance. She's curating the lives of these kids every day. She's doing some mothers homeschooling, mothering, all that full time stuff. It's chaos everywhere. It'd be really awesome if he made a phone call to get a babysitter and he made dinner reservations or just went to go play at a park, walk. Go walk around the park together. Um, that would be awesome. And he's working 20 hours a day. He sleeps 4 hours a night to try to keep his family afloat, and he's looking at the same. So somebody has to say, I'll make that call. Right. It's hard. And when you have any money, you really find yourself in a place, like, I'll trade with, like, can I. Well, can we trade?

Yeah. I'll watch your kids this weekend if you'll watch my next weekend.

That's right.

But, yeah, neither of them are wrong. They're just tired and done, and they just need to probably have a conversation.

Yeah. That goes back to the choose reality. Here's the world we're in right now, and here's what I want. I miss you. I miss you. I want you. I desire you in the pockets of. Of time, of money, of what does connection look like right now? And it's not gonna be this way forever, but for six months, it's going to be kind of like this. And then what if you took one night off from ubering after you got done with your full time job? We just went for a walk in the park and held hands and made out in the car. We do that, right? Like, let's just slowly figure out these little pockets of reconnection, be intentional about it, put on the calendar, and it's not what Hollywood drew up, but it sure is awesome. Sure is awesome. All right, love you guys. Stay in school. Be nice to each other. Bye.