Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show.

He has these outbursts. He's thrown things, broken things. Recently, he punched and shattered our computer screen. He tells me that I make him so mad. I push him.

It's so stupid. Ali, you know that's nonsense. He's a gaslighting child. That's what he is. What up? What up? What up? What up? This is John, the Dr. John Deloney Show. I'm so glad that you're with us. Talking about your mental and emotional and relational health, whatever you got going on in your life, the good stuff, the bad stuff, the really scary stuff. I got you. Give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291. That's 1-844-693-3291. Or go to JohnDaloney. Com/askask, and we'll get you on the show. Kelly, before we go to the first call, I need some help here. This could take a while. I got some H-E-A-T on the internet.

Okay.

I didn't mean for this to be a hot take. I think we have too many graduation ceremonies. Oh, I agree. I think we have too many promotions. It'd be like if you got married 117 times before you got married. It just takes away the wedding. Yeah.

Well, there's kindergarten graduation and then elementary school graduation and then middle school graduation.

Oh, no, no. There's promotion from first to second grade, and we have to go sit outside while they read all the names of the kids and pass out certificates. I'm just in a rural public school. It's not even a fancy something or other. I just want to set my hair on fire. But people were not happy. You're taking joy away from kids. I just don't think I am. I think I'm trying to be reasonable. In a world of people gone crazy.

I'm I'm going to step out on a limb and say it has very little to do with the kids, the joy that we're taking away from kids. I don't think most of the time they care. I think it's about the parents.

I think it's... If I asked my kids independent of these award things and was like, Hey, Do you want to put on really nice clothes and sit out in the heat and stare off into space while adults yammer at you and then pass you out a certificate that will be watered up in the back of the car before we get home? You want to do that? Or do you just want to go get ice cream? If there was an ice cream party, Totally down. D-o-w-n, I'm down for that.

Yeah, just do field day. Let's call it a day.

Administrators, it's time for you to step up and lead. We could talk about technology in the classroom. We could talk about the just complete falling off a cliff of academic standards. It's too much. Let's just chill out with all of the awards and promotion ceremonies. Let's just have high school graduation. That's a big one. That one's cool. Other than that, let's everybody As the great T Swift says, shake it off. All right, let's go out to Savannah and talk to Ali. Ali, why are you bugging? What's up, Ali?

Hi there.

You doing all right?

Okay.

Okay. Uh-oh. Okay, bring it on. What's up?

I just wanted to ask. My husband struggles with anger and outburst, and I just wanted to know how to approach him about it and how to stop feeling like it's my fault.

I'm guessing that there's a lot behind what you just said. Is it scary to be in your home?

To an extent. I mean, definitely, like, emotionally. But he has these outbursts, and he's thrown things, broken things. You know, recently, he, like, punched and shattered our computer screen I mean, but the thing is, is that he apologizes so sincerely, and he tells me that I make him so mad. I push him too far, and that's why he burst out of his outburst.

So stupid. Ali, you know that's nonsense. He's a gaslighting child. That's what he is. And anger outbursts are real. People who struggle with anger, it's very, very real. And I don't ever hate on What I hate on is two things. One, if you know you smash things with your wife, you have kids in the house, I'm assuming?

Yeah, we have three kids.

Yeah. When you smash things and scream and blow your top in front of your wife and your kids, or in front of your husband and your kids. You get one. I'll give you one big blow up, and then you got to go get help. You got to go get help. If you don't, then you are choosing to, A, be miserable personally, but you're choosing to destroy the sanctity of your home with your anger and your rage. What you just said, you know who hits things? Kids. If you go look at little kids playing with blocks, you know this. One kid takes a block and the other kid just hits that kid because that's developmentally appropriate. They're children. Adults should not be smashing stuff. By the way, Ali, I don't want to hurt your feelings. You don't have the power to make him that mad. That's a choice he makes. Then he's embarrassed, and he looks at the first person he can dump that embarrassment onto and make them carry it because he can't carry it because he's a child. How long has he been acting like this?

We've been married for 10 years, and it's happened off and on the whole time.

How have you tried to talk to him about it in the past?

I told him point blank, Hey, this can't happen anymore.

Yeah, but you said that a bunch, and it keeps happening, and you don't do Yeah.

Currently, we are separated.

Okay. I take that back. Good on you. What does separation look like for you right now?

He is going to be out of the home So he's not yet? He, today, is the very first day of true separation. Things came to a head last night. Hold on.

Don't blow by that. Are you safe now? Yes. How did they come to a head last night?

He pretty much says… Because he has a history of walking out in the middle of a conversation, and he says it's because he needs time to cool off, which I respect that. But in the middle of a conversation, it feels to me like an escape, especially if I'm trying very hard to keep my cool and just talk to him. Have a conversation. But I also know… I have been trying to know about complex PTSD because of my abusive parents. One of the things that my dad used to do was he would ignore me and walk right past me. I know that a lot of that is coming from me feeling abandoned.

No, no, no, no, no, uncomfortable social interaction in the world, your fault. Because that's how you stayed safe as a kid, right? Yeah. Yeah. This is not your fault. Yeah. Your husband's leaving you because he's struggling. My guess is he bails out of the middle of conversations anytime there's a hint at him taking some responsibility or accountability. I guarantee you he doesn't bail on conversations when we're both talking about how Ali needs to improve and Ali needs to get better.

Yeah.

It's when you talk about your hurt, when you talk about protecting the kids, that he gets flooded and overwhelmed. Because he's a child, he runs. I'll give him that. It's better than hitting somebody or punching a hole through a computer screen. Yeah. But you can't do that for a decade. I also fully, I believe in the sincerity of his apology. What I I don't believe is the sincerity of his marriage covenant. I don't believe in the sincerity of him wanting to keep his kids safe because he's chosen not to work on this issue. There's just too many resources now. It's irresponsible. There's too much support and care and places to go, people to talk to, too much opportunity for people to get well. You've heard me say this a thousand times. Behavior is a language. What his tells me is that he doesn't really care how you feel. He doesn't really care how your kids are experiencing their home with a grizzly bear living inside. He cares about his ego, and he cares about whatever he wants to do whenever he wants to do it. That's about it. Does that sound right?

Yeah.

Yeah. Can I just tell you, I hate that for you.

Yeah.

Tell me about those tears.

Sorry. It's hard because I love him so much, and he doesn't believe that. I mean, he told me last night he doesn't believe that I actually care about his emotions and his feelings.

Hold on. Can I stop you there? I hate to keep interrupting, but that is a classic Gaslight 101. Okay?

Yeah.

That's a way to make you feel bad for the guilt and shame he feels because he keeps smashing up his own phone and he terrifies his wife and his kids, and so he blames you. You don't even know how I feel. If he really did, you wouldn't ask me to help around the house because it makes me so mad. See how it's just you're in it. And so I'm telling you from the outside, it's just not your fault. I know you care about that man deeply. You wouldn't have been with him and stuck through this nonsense for 10 years if you weren't just all in on this marriage, right? Yeah. And we marry our unfinished business, and your body is still wondering why dad would walk past you. You pick somebody else because your body is going to solve that problem, and this person does the same damn thing, and I'm so sorry.

Yeah. I told him, We have to get help, and if he wants to save our family, that's what he'll do. He is taking steps right now, and I'm grateful for it, but I think I'm just scared that it's going to be the same story. Two weeks of getting help and talking to mentors, but then it just goes right back to what it was before. I think this is the first time we've actually taken a real separation. I'm praying and hoping that it does its job. I'm also I guess I just feel very responsible, and I don't know how to get that out. I don't know how to make that feeling go away.

Don't fight your feelings right now.

Yeah. Okay?

Mm-hmm.

Pay close attention to your actions, but your feelings are going to be all over the place because you also swore to yourself you would never have a divorced household. Yeah. You probably had some counseling from what you went through as a kid, and you actually believed the therapist that it wasn't your fault. And then this whole thing happens again. And it's hard when it's a second time because you're like, okay, I'm the common denominator here. And you beat yourself up, and you have for 10 years.

Yeah.

And so I'm just, dude, I'm just a dude on a podcast. I'm telling you, it's not your fault. And I know it's easy to say. And so let your feelings be your feelings, but your actions are going to, you're going to fake it till you make it for the next 30 days, okay? Okay. Here's a gift you can give him, and it's going to take you a few days. And so I want you to tell him, I'll send you an email in five days. That probably won't be enough time, but let's just say five days. I'm going to send you an email of what must be true for you to be welcome back in this home. He cannot just go talk to mentors. He needs professional help. Yes. Okay. And so part of him coming back is that he has gone to attend a professional licensed therapy consultation four times. He can do that twice in two consecutive weeks. He can go once a week, but he's got to go four times. He has to You fill in the blank. I don't know your life, and I don't know the world you've been living in.

But you get to decide what's going to make you feel safe. And yes, your body would be right to be highly, highly on edge. There's no question about it. Your body's keeping you safe. It's doing its job. Your risk is you're going to lean through that body, your body's screaming at you to run away. You're going to lean through that if he chooses to lean forward to you. Most of the time when people are dealing with this level of anger that's been gone unhelp for this long, things get worse before they get better because there's a world of hurt underneath this anger, isn't there?

Yeah, I think that he has a lot of trials and trauma to work through. It kills me because I went to treatment for mine, and I learned so much, and I just see some of it in him, and it's heartbreaking. Sometimes, he just doesn't believe that he needs to help. He says, I can handle it on my own. He's like, What are people going to help me with? What is he going to help me with? They're just going to talk to me. I just think that there's such a level of pride there. He doesn't want people to know that things are bad. He doesn't want his work to suffer.

He's going to have to make some space for divorce court if he doesn't go get help. Yeah. His life's going to change when we're the other. That might be a way to phrase that. From this point forward, your life is different. It's either different because you're on your own and you're paying child support for three kids, plus you're supporting me, or you're going to go sit down with a licensed therapist and you're going to start having conversations that you've never had before. That's the two choices. The cool thing is he gets to pick. The sucky thing for you is you can't make that choice for him, and you've been trying to for 10 years.

Yeah.

Are you a good mom?

I I mean, I try to be.

Allie, are you a good mom?

Yeah, I'm a good mom. Okay.

Are you a good wife?

I think so.

I think you are. Are you a good friend?

Yeah. Okay.

When things get tough over the next 30 days, I want you to remember that. Write those things down if you need to. I'm a good mom. I'm a good wife. I'm a great But I don't want you to cash out because the worst thing that can happen here is he says, I've got everything cool, and you know in your guts, they're not. But you let him back because you feel guilty about the separation or he makes you feel bad about whatever. And there hasn't been any clarity, any, you will do this and this and this before this. The fact that you've put up with this for 10 years tells me he's pretty good at groveling, and he's pretty good at making you feel like this is your fault. If you'll just do these things, this won't happen again. You go, Okay, I'm going to do better this time. That sound right? Yeah. Yeah, that's over. You're a good wife. You're a good friend. You're a great mom. Him peeing on the floor and then rubbing your nose in it, those days are over. Cool? Yeah. Okay. Do you have a couple of friends that Are there at your age, some women in your life that you can talk with and be completely honest with?

Yes. Okay. I want you to reach out to them, ASAP, and make a small text list. Here's your homework assignments. Have a text list of two or three women that you trust, and call them and let them know we're doing a 30-day separation, and I need you to be on call for me for the next 30 days. I might text you and say, I need you to come over. I might text you and say, I just need to talk. I might text you with a question. Will you be my ride or die for the next 30 days? Honor a couple of your friends with that request. It'll be a gift to them. Okay?

Okay.

Your second homework assignment is, are you seeing somebody now?

Like a therapist? Yes.

Okay, good. I want you to go the next time you have your meeting, your next appointment with your therapist, I want you to walk in and I want you to say, I need to come up with my 30-day plan, my, You will be welcome back in this home win plan. The therapist might go, I don't know what you mean. Say, I need to help discerning what I need and what I want and what's going to help me feel safe before my husband comes back. What are the things I need him to be doing so that I'm okay with him coming back home? They'll help you craft that plan. They've been working with you for a long time, so I'm sure they've got a fuller picture of the story than I just got just now. Here's what's hard. You can't control his anger. Here's what's even harder. None of this has ever been your fault, and you've been carrying that for so long. You got to set that down. Here's what's even harder. He may walk away. I hope he doesn't. I hope he fights for you all. I hope he fights for himself. Hope he heals that little boy that's still trying to protect him and smashing things and yelling and screaming and blaming.

But often they don't. And so hold some space for if he chooses to walk away. It will not be your fault and not be those kids' fault. It'd be because he chose to not work and do the hard, scary things by getting well. His anger has protected him and made him feel safe for a long time, and it's about to cost him everything he holds dear, his business, his wife, his kids, his home, everything. If you're listening to this and you or somebody you love struggles with anger, don't ever blame someone else again. You get to choose what happens next after you get angry, and you get to choose way upstream to live a life that's not so razor thin with margin that one thing sets you off. You end up hurting somebody or smashing something. Like a child. Go get help for your anger today. We'll be right back. All right, here we are heading into the season of Chaos Summer. Driving, bored kids, travel plans, camps, extra yard work every weekend, travel sports, travel sports, and travel sports, and so much more going on. It's important right now that you make concrete plans to keep doing the things you normally do to keep you spiritually plugged in well and whole.

For me, and hopefully for you, Hallow will continue to be my go-to guide for prayer and relationships to God, especially as things get bonkers. Hallow is the app that's easy to download, and it has prayers, lecture series, meditations, music, stories, night time sleep programs, and more. In this summer, they've even added some radio stations for those long family drives, and they've added spiritual classic audiobooks for fellow nerds like me who like to drive, or mow or clean and read a book at the same time. In this June, Hallowe is launching their summer Bible study on the Gospel of John, and you can join biblical scholar Jeff Cavens and Jonathan Rumi, who portrays Jesus in the chosen in this transformative Bible study. Look, because you're a Deloney Show listener, you can try out Hallowe for three months for free. That's basically the whole summer. So why not give it a shot? Go to hallo. Com/delonie today for three free months. That's Hallow, H-A-L-L-O-W. Com/delonet. All right, let's roll to Denver, Colorado, and talk to Raymond. Hey, Raymond, what's up?

John, thanks for taking my call.

You got it, brother. What's going on?

My wife, she has really high levels of anxiety, possibly ADHD as well, and been trying to convince her to go to a therapist for many years now just to get some help with that. But I feel like I've made very little progress, and I I'm just worried about our relationship and the effect of her trauma and issues on our children.

How old are your kids, man?

Ten and eight.

Let's move the diagnostics aside. Let's take the anxiety and the ADHD and whatever else you've googled. Let's put that off to the side. What are the actions that are starting to poison your home or have been poisoning your home for a long time? What are things she does?

Well, she's very reactive and has anger. It loses her cool very easily.

Does she rage out at those kids?

Yeah. Okay.

She can't do that. I know you know that.

Yeah.

How have you dealt with that in the past?

Well, I'll try to get her attention, ask her to walk out of the room, but that doesn't usually get a very positive response. It doesn't like to be accused of what's going on, I guess, in the moment. In the moment, that's what I've tried to do is help her realize how she's behaving, how it's not acceptable. I've never said it. It feels like I'm dealing sometimes with a child at the time.

You are. You're dealing with her at the age of seven. You are. It's just the last call we just took. Have you sat down with your 10 and your eight-year-old, or probably they were nine and six or nine and seven. Have you sat down with them and said, It is not okay that mommy said that, and I'm so sorry that she talked to you that way?

I can't think of exactly saying that, but I think I've probably tried to apologize before, but- Okay.

Listen to me very, very careful.

Not necessarily.

I always tell people, Don't talk negative about a kid's other parent, right? Yeah. You're not going to run people down. It is not dishonoring, it is not disparaging, it is not uncool to tell your kids that is not okay. I'm sad mom did not come to I'm sorry for your event. Mom should not yell at you like that. She should not talk to you that way, and I'm very sorry that happened. It is not dishonering to tell your wife, You cannot talk to my kids like that. There is no learning, zero learning that can happen when she's enraged. When she's to the point that she's screaming at her own children, there's no learning. There is just interrupting behavior. It's just getting in the middle of it. And she won't leave. Cool. I'm taking the 10-year-old and the 8-year-old and we're walking out the door. She can scream and kick and yell all she wants. I'm protecting these kids because there will come a day when those kids look at you and say, Why didn't you protect us? I always tell people, you got to choose your spouse, right? You default to your spouse, but not in these moments.

Not when your spouse has something disparaging or evil or hurtful or painful. Your kids need them. The kids need you. As I'm saying that, tell me what you're feeling.

I'm feeling that you're right, and I've probably known that. I think I have let the other side of that where I was trying to be on the same side and not have my wife feel like I was going against her.

Okay. I'm going to be with you ride or die. You hurt my kids. You've chosen to be against me now. You get what I'm saying?

Mm-hmm.

If she says mean things to them and screams at them and scares them, yeah, I'm going to get involved right in the middle of that. At the age of 10 and the age of eight, it's okay to go into their bedroom or to take them out for ice cream and say, mommy's sick. When mommy doesn't feel good, her whole body gets so full of sharp things, it comes out super angry. She should not say that to you, and I'm so sorry. She loves you. She loves you. She loves But she's sick right now. That's the language I would use, okay?

Okay.

I think it's fair to tell her in seasons or in moments when or times when she's not enraged and things are calm, hey, that can't happen again. Often people won't get the help they need because they don't think they're worth it. Occasionally, they'll go get the help they need because they don't want to hurt anybody that they love. It's there that we hope they begin to find that they've got value, too. The greatest gift they can give the people that they love is to love themselves so they can be whole. You know what I'm saying?

Yeah.

Okay.

I definitely agree with that, but- I know it's- To get the help is what I'm struggling with. Yeah.

It may come to you deciding, I have to protect my children. My guess is, if you're like most men who I've had this conversation with, you're soft selling it. It can be pretty halacious inside your home, can't it?

Probably. I mean, I've heard some other stories on your show and stuff that sound a lot worse.

Yeah. My show is not a great proxy, dude. It gets way off the rails sometimes. Let me say it this way. Somebody I respect said it this way once. You protect your wife's heart, but you tell kids the truth. There will come a season when your kids get older and you can sit down and say, Mom's got anxiety real bad. And part of having real bad anxiety, part of having real bad depression, part of having some of the challenges that she has is that it makes going to get help very difficult. And that's not yours to wear, and I'm so sorry. That's not your job. But your kids have already learned at the age of 10 and 8 that they're responsible for making sure mom doesn't get off the rails. That's not their job. That can never be their job. Tell me what you're thinking.

Just what you just said. I was thinking about my 10-year-old and how they definitely try to, I guess, be the peacemaker and try their responsibility for her not to get upset.

When you defend your kids, If you imagine the last time your wife just became enraged, starts screaming at the kids, smashing cabinets, slamming cabinets, whatever. If you walked in calmly and you said, me and the two kids, we're going to leave. You cannot talk to my kids like that. You can't act like this in front of the kids. We're going to leave. What does she do next? What's her next move?

Probably attack me and say that I behave the same.

Do you?

I've definitely lost my temper, something I'm working on. I'm working with a therapist and trying to be a different person.

When's the last time you lost your temper?

Probably a couple of weeks ago.

All right, we're done with that. Hear me say this, never yell at your kids, period. Never scream and dishonor your wife, period. You can work on all the emotional things and all the buildup and all the things that happens in your life before then, but we're going to be done working on those two things. We're finished treating the people that we love like that, right? Do I have your commitment on that?

Yes.

Okay, it's over. Your kids will point back to the early summer of 2024 when dad flipped the switch and decided, because he gets to choose, to never yell and scream inside this home When your wife starts throwing accusations against you, you can look at her and say, You're right, and I'm trying to get better. You take those kids and you put them in the car, and you'll go get ice cream. If you feel like you're going to explode, you walk out the front door, but you're never going to scream at those kids again. Got it? You're not going to scream at her either. She's going to push every button you have.

I've really done a good job about that. Good. I'm proud. Raising my voice with her. I mean, that really that upsets her, too, because she wants to get me out.

I know she does, because in her mind, that electric interaction is passion, is connectivity. You have to be open and say, I'm not going to participate in this. But you also have proven to yourself you can control it because she pushes your buttons hard, right?

Yeah.

Yes. You downshift and you are in control. You can do that with your kids. You You can especially do that with your kids, right?

I put it that way, I never thought about it like that. Okay.

My dad actually pulled that trick on me once. He heard me swearing when I was a kid, and I said, I couldn't help it. He said, I've never heard you swear in front of your grandmother. I've never heard you swear in front of your mom. That tells me you can control it. I was like, Oh, dad burned. I just reused an old dad-ism on you. There you go. There you go, All right. Here's a couple other things you need. Those kids desperately, desperately, desperately need relationships with other adults. If your wife truly has some psychiatric disorders, there's going to be needs that they need met by other grown women that your wife will not be able to give to them.

Okay.

That might be your sister, that might be one of their aunts, that might be your mother, that might be some women from your church, but they're going to need other people, adults, that they can lean on who are sturdy, as Dr. Becky Kennedy calls it, or who are safe. Because right now, mom is not, and you haven't been super safe either.

Yeah.

I've seen this. Here's a mechanical example. I sat with a woman once who's... Her daughter was just starting her period. Mom had gone through some sexual abuse as a kid, and she said, I physically cannot have this conversation conversation. The whole thing, she couldn't do it. I said, Okay, your daughter has to have this conversation. She's got to have people that she can trust and lean on and talk to. I need a couple of women that you can tell her these are safe people to call. She did that. Was that the best idea? No. But was that better than nothing? Absolutely. So you all are going to have to find your kids need to see you all interacting, or at least you interacting with other adults so that they can see, Oh, there is peace out there. It's just that my mom is sick right now.

Okay. You said that that's something I definitely have to tell them, that their mother is sick. Do I have to wait till another explosion?

No. I think often because they're going to go straight to fight or flight, and it's going to be a while before they can absorb anything. I do think it's fair to take out your 10-year-old and your 8-year-old and say, I yelled in this house, and that was never your fault. Daddy should never yell at their kids. I'm sorry. Mommy's sick, and her insides feel sharp and hot. Sometimes when she gets real sick, they come out and she yells at you all, and that's never okay. From this point forward, yeah, that's okay. You can say mom loves you very, very much, but she's just struggling. Your kids will probably, at At some point, when you're not around, hug your wife and say, I'm so sorry that you're sick. Daddy said you were sick. And your wife might fly off the handle. So have that conversation ahead of time.

Yeah, I was going to say, so I should be telling her that I'm going to be talking to the kids about that?

Yeah. Say, I've got to apologize. It's in my guts. The way I've yelled at them, the way we've yelled at them is wrong. It can't happen anymore. Here's my plan. If it happens again, I'm going to take them. You're free to do what you're going to do, but I'm going to take the kids and we're just going go get some ice cream. We're going to go for a walk. And look at your wife and say, I will never, as long as you know me again, yell at these kids. Is that fair?

It sounds completely fair. I'm just worried about messing up.

You're going to. You are. That's what asking for forgiveness is for, and that's what apologies are for. And by the way, you're going to model to your kids that adults aren't perfect, and adults screw up, and adults can say, I'm sorry.

I've been doing that. Good. I've been listening to you.

Good. I'm proud of you. That's a big time 100% dad move right there to say, I'm sorry. Shouldn't have done that. Shouldn't talk to you like that. Let them know, I'm going to get the help I need so that this doesn't happen again. I'm proud of you, man. You got to see you're changing an entire family tree. When you make changes like this, you always have moments of resistance that are painful, and sometimes people choose to walk away. Sometimes people choose to get well, and it takes a couple of months, a couple of years. Takes a long time to get well. By the way, well isn't static. You don't get to a place. You're always going to have that anger inside. You're always going to have that. I want to respond, but you're just going to be able to flip that switch so much quicker with so much more peace, and you're going to be able to exhale. Say, I'm not yelling at a nine-year-old. I'm not yelling at a 17-year-old because they're a kid. I can do that. I'm an adult. I'm going to handle my crap so that I can show up and help them handle theirs.

Hang on the line, brother. I'm going to send you two copies, two copies of Building a Non-Anxious Life, one for you and one for your wife. She might not be willing to go get help right this second, and that's okay. Actually, it's not if she's screaming and yelling and making the house unsafe, but she's choosing not to at this time. But put the book on your night stand I'm going to read that book all the way front to back and have a second copy in case she says, What is that? And you can say, I've got one for both of us. It will give you a roadmap. My hope is you all look at that roadmap and you all start trying to implement it. A couple of those are going to be easy, but most of them are going to be really hard. You can say, I'm getting help on the ones that I can't do. I'd love for you to get help, too. And maybe she will. She probably won't, but maybe she will. But you got to start living the example inside your home that you want everyone else to see and emulate to.

Proud of you, man. Keep taking tiny little steps. Those winds are going to pile up and pile up and pile up, and you're going to look up and your whole house is going to be different. Proud of you. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by Better Health. All right, here we are. We're almost halfway done with the year. Can you believe that? 2024 is flying by. Let me ask you something, what's something you're really proud of so far this year? What's something you're still hoping you you can change direction on. Is there something that's haunting you? Not including the presidential election that's coming up, but something that's just hanging on that you need help in overcoming. As we get older, life picks up steam and it moves so, so fast. It's so important to take a moment to celebrate your wins. It's also important to stop midstream and make adjustments for the rest of the year. Therapy can be a place where you can take stock of your progress and set achievable goals for the next six months and beyond. Therapy is a safe, effective place to get things off your chest, to learn how to say scary things out loud, and to figure out how to work through whatever has been weighing you down, especially the first part of this year.

I have been personally blessed to have a great therapist who I can talk to and who helps me work through things, analyze what's going on in the past, and create a plan for how to get better in the future. If you're thinking of starting therapy, give better help a try. It's totally online, it's totally convenient, and it's It's flexible and it's suited to fit your schedule. You just fill out a brief questionnaire, you get matched with a licensed therapist. You can switch therapists at any time. It doesn't cost you any money. If you're ready to take a moment and be super intentional for the rest of 2024, call Betterhelp. Visit betterhelp. Com/delonie today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P. Com/delonie. All right, we are back. Hey, before we go to the next call, my friends at MindPump, Justin, Sal, Adam, Doug, the whole gang, have the most downloaded fitness podcast on planet Earth. They just put out a three-day virtual course for fitness trainers and coaches that teaches them how to build their business, sell better, and become more effective with their coaching clients. It first air a few months ago, and over 10,000 people showed up.

Now it's available out in the Wild Wild West for anybody who wants to become a personal trainer, who is a personal trainer, wants to grow their business. I trust these guys with me and my family's life. I call them for very specific nutritional information, for exercise information. I use their programs. I worked out with one of their maps programs this morning. I trust these guys, and you can, too. If you're a personal trainer, check them out at mindpumptrainercourse. Com. That's mindpumptrainercourse. Com. All right, let's go to Charlotte, North Carolina, and talk to Sydney. What's up, Sydney?

Hey, Dr. John, how are you?

Oh, he just reminded me. Hello, Sydney. Scream One. What a great movie that was. Man.

Not a horror person. Don't watch Scream movies, so I don't know what that is.

That means your soul is cleaner than Kelly and mine's. Actually, Kelly's is cleaner than mine, too. Anyway, hello, Sydney. All right, so what's up?

Oh, nothing. I just want to say my husband and I absolutely love your show, and I'm really excited and nervous that you took our call.

Well, very cool. What's up?

Our question is, we just had a baby about 10 months ago, and we're wondering if we should move further away to follow our own desires and happiness, or should we stay where we're at for the sake of our current child and future children to be closer to family?

Yeah, I always think you should choose personal misery to make the other people in your life happy. Always. That's a good life plan. No. In fact, the fact that you asked me that question tells me being around family is not super great.

No, it is. It's just, well, our families are both divorced, and my situation is a little bit different than my husband's just because I have some mommy and daddy issues, and that's for another call.

I know. I just said it's not great, and you're like, No, it is. Everybody's divorced. It's miserable, and I've got some issues, but that's what I'm saying. Yeah, pretty much. Yes, I think you should move. What would moving accomplish for you? Is it a new job, a new adventure? What are you thinking about?

Job opportunities for my husband, but really just where we're looking at moving is where me and my husband met, where we're from. Gross. Whenever Whenever we go back, we're always, we come home and we're like, Gosh, why did we ever leave? I don't want to. It's just we just miss it.

How far away is it from where you live now?

About four hours.

That's easy. That's easy. If you need to, that's a Friday night, and you all can leave Sunday night. Right. Yeah, that's all good. I would pull that trigger. If there's job opportunities and you all have community there that's just Insta community, and you all have great memories, you can't lean on those memories. We often run from instead of going to. You know what I mean? Yeah. Especially when you met somebody and it was all ougy-googie and it's like, and everyone's in love and it's gross, and they have a kid and jobs. It's like, we just want to reclaim that feeling. Moving can be a disaster because you'll show up and realize that you all went with you. But if you have friends and community and that's where your gang is, and more importantly, that's where you want to build your life. Yeah, I'd say, go for it. Go for it.

Yeah. We just worry that our family won't necessarily come to us.

They. And it's always us having to come to them. Hold on. If they don't ever come see you, they're making a choice to opt out of you in this life. Right. They get to make that choice, and you get to be deeply heartbroken about it. Yeah. But that tells you the status of your relationship with them, right? And their willingness to care about you long term, Right.

Right.

And so there is a bit of acknowledging or choosing reality here. You all are trying... You have a 10-month-old. You had this picture of, here's what grandparents are going to be, and here's how it's going to all be involved, and the cousins, and everybody. And that's a fantasy. They don't even drive four hours to see you.

Right.

That sucks. I'm sorry. Yeah. Instead of cheering you on and saying, Oh, my gosh, you all have great opportunities. You all have tons of friends there. We're going to be so annoying because we're come every other weekend. That's not how they're doing it. And I hate that for you all.

Yeah.

The sooner that you and your husband can decide, and I wish it was more complex than this, but you have to make a choice that they don't get a vote anymore on the life you're choosing to create, the life that's going to be best fit for you all right now. And then they get to decide if they want to participate in the world you all are creating? Because you'll probably have some things you all want to do differently than how you all were both raised, right?

A hundred %. There you go.

Anything you all choose to do, we're not going to do these foods. We're not going to do these activities. We're not going to do... We play with our kids instead of just having a cigarette on the port. I'm just making up stuff. But like, anything you all choose to do differently, some parents go, Oh, that's so amazing. I wish we had done that. I'm so proud of you all. Most Most parents say, Oh, I guess I was just the worst mom who ever lived if... Right? Right. You don't need that.

No.

That's them opting out, not you guys kicking them out. See what I'm saying? See the difference? Yeah. Sometimes when we want to try to have this fake ownership of the whole thing, we end up squashing job opportunities, we squash relationships, we squash ourselves to try to please somebody that's never going to be pleased. You know what I mean? Yeah, I say move. And by the way, if it's a disaster, just move back. Ta-da.

Yeah, that's what we keep saying is, Worst comes the worst. We get down there and it's not what we imagine and we can always come back.

And make it what you imagine it. Yeah. What are you imagining?

Just the lifestyle Where we want to go is very different than where we currently are. It's more active, friendly, more family-friendly, just activities and things to do outside that don't cost money.

Are you going to actually do them? Yeah. Go. Because you're telling me it's not... It's funny. You're talking about reality in the other place, and you're living a fantasy at home right now. Because you want these relationships to cover up the life that you don't really like that you're living right That life actually is over there, and you can have it, but it's going to cost you the fantasy that you've got ducted together in your current place. Yeah, I'd say move. Go for it. Okay. Go for it. Send us your new address, and Kelly will send you a really expensive housewarming gift. She won't, but it's just a funny thing to say. It's good. No, I'm proud of you. Hey, this is hard. It's hard. There's often a lot of grief. You've heard me say this a thousand I often tell folks to write a letter that you will never send. Don't send it. Some people do. Don't send it, but write a letter to your in-laws. Write a letter to your parents and step-parents, and let them know we're moving and we're going to miss you all. We were hoping this was going to look different.

We were hoping this is going to feel different. But we are going to head out on our own and create a new family. We're going to change our family tree and how we treat each other and the jobs and financial decisions that we make. We're going to never, ever consider a divorce. We're going to make this thing work. We're going to fight and scratch and claw for our marriage and for our kids, and for our community. We're going to go do it over here. Here's what visiting us and loving us will look like. We hope you'll join us, and we're also understanding that we can't control what you'll do. But you write that letter and get it all out, and it will be probably filled with tears, but you'll get done and you'll feel lighter. It's not your job to carry their mess anymore. You're a new mom, you're a wife, your husband's a dad now. You kiss a dad. But that's Yael's world now. And go build something rad. Go build something rad. We're cheering you on every step of the way. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point.

In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndaloni. Com. All right, we are back. Kelly, we have to discuss this. It's important.

Okay, so I guess this was on the podcast that went out today.

No, before this, we have to just talk about the whole picture.

Oh, about our interactions. Yes. Okay, so for all of you that listen, you know that John gives me perpetual crap about everything from- Agree to disagree, but continue. From my nonexistent tattoos to my nonexistent drinking problem, to my very nonexistent drug problem, all sorts of things.

Gaslight.

Yes, they burn very bright around here. First of all, I need to say, I I'm okay, people. I so appreciate all of the emails and the comments we get about, Is Kelly okay? Is Kelly... She must be so sad all the time. I'm fine. We're good. This is our relationship. This is how we show love. We give crap to each other, just back and forth.

Kelly just gives me mine in my headphones. Yeah, you all just can't hear most of it. She can push a button and you all can't hear it.

I'm good. I promise you, I'm not about to cry on the show. I don't really cry, which is its own therapy session. No soul. But I'm fine. But we got so many comments about it that finally, one of the guys that runs the podcast analytics and stuff here, he was like, Hey, we're getting a lot of comments about this.

So I'm going to stop.

So John and I had a conversation the other day. I was like, Hey. And it was a weird conversation for me to have.

Well, you were crying really hard.

Yeah. No. Remember the C Previous comment?

You had two Kleenex boxes. You were double fisting Kleenex. You had one in each hand. You were just...

It was awkward because I I had to go to him and say, Hey, I've got this thing, but it's not an issue for me because it's not, but people have an issue with it. It was just a weird conversation to have.

I'm, A, to everyone. I'm apologizing. I do give Kelly a lot of grief. Kelly is my good friend, and we take this show seriously, and everybody's clowning on each other. The HR director here just says he doesn't cross this threshold. Also, you all get one side of it. I know there are people out there who have people in their life that poke and make fun of them, and they're not playing, and it's not funny. I do get that. I get that.

I hope you all know that if it ever went to a point that bothered me, as soon as the show was over, I would be in there saying, Hey, this was too far. This was too much.

Not even that. You listen to so many murder podcasts, I would just be dead. We just would be in a more show. They would never find my body.

But if anything ever did hurt my feelings, I would say something, and of course, John would horrible. I mean, it would... But it's not ever done in that vein.

Well, and you'll have to know she does not have feelings.

He's not wrong.

They don't exist, right? They do. I can't even... I can't help it.

I'm not a big feelings person. I'm working on it. I'm a counselor.

I am. I'm the one who cries and gets all emotional.

I don't. But then we got an email today from the podcast that came out today, and the person said something. It was actually complementary about our relationship and how they loved it and everything. But then they said that I dropped a hint, or somewhere there was a hint that Kelly's leaving the show, and we're so sad to hear that blah, blah, blah. I'm not going anywhere.

Kelly, this is probably when we should have a talk.

Yeah. If I get back and there's a box on my desk, I guess I'll know, but I'm not planning to leave. So just if anybody else heard that, I don't know what the hint was.

I have to go back and listen. I think I whisper, She's going to get fired. I have no idea what it was. No. But no, Kelly's right or die, dude. We're here to stay.

I actually got a promotion the other day. You're welcome. John said some very lovely things. I'll just have you all know.

Yeah. I'll just leave it at that. Yes. To everybody listening, thank you for caring about Kelly. It makes my heart feel good. She's my friend. One day, I am going to read all the things that she sends me, and then everyone will be like, Oh, okay. The world has been rebalanced. Love you guys. Stay in school. No new drugs. Be nice to each other.