Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show.

My husband says that he wants to be able to see other people, but one-sided.

Where does he go? I'm just trying to imagine him bringing this up in my house. I don't understand how that conversation would go. What's his logic?

He watches a lot of Andrew Tate.

Oh, God. Okay. Well, there you go. What's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Man, I'm so glad that of all the gajillion of podcasts, after you listened to the first four you've already listened to today, you picked this one for number five, or maybe number six, or maybe number one. So grateful to have you. This show, we talk about your marriage, your mental health, whatever you got going on in your life. Kids struggling, trying to figure out what's the next right step. What What do we need to do next in a world that is overly TikToked, where they've got every answer to every question in four bite-sized little chunks. They take about 30 seconds to flip and with a dance, by By the way, if you want to see Kelly's TikTok Dance channel, it's on Hinged. But on this show, we don't talk about that stuff. We actually sit with Herding Beable and we try to figure out what can we do next. You want to be on the show, give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291, or go to JohnDaloney. Com/ask. A-s-k. All right, let's go to Phoenix, Arizona, and talk to Emma.

Hey, Emma, what's up?

Hi. How's it going?

I'm doing great. How about you?

Doing okay.

Excellent. What's up?

I have been married for three years, and my husband says that he wants to be able to see other people, but one-sided. I'm not joking.

Awesome. Man, You picked him. You sure picked him.

Yeah.

Where does he go? I'm just trying to imagine even bringing this up in my house. I don't understand how that conversation would go. What What's his logic?

He watches a lot of Andrew Tate. Oh, God.

Okay. Well, there you go. Yeah. You super picked him.

Yeah.

Does he just eat red jelly beans for dinner every night and meet Just red pills and meat.

Pretty much, yeah.

Sweet. Nailed it.

Wow. Yeah.

Well, good luck with that, Emma. Thanks for the call. I'm just kidding. I mean, what's your question?

My question is, do I hold out hope for this?

No. Because, hey, I promise you this is not the first thing that's made you feel uncomfortable or out of bounds, is it? No. No. What's the first thing? Or give me some examples of some other things.

Well, I guess a good way to look at it is if I'm… Some things like just if I've been at work, it's like there's always been before I knew this, and Heather has been… Just anxiety, I guess. Worry. I can't always pinpoint it, why I felt uncertain. It's because I think it's maybe because he's never been 100%. I know it sounds dumb, but it's hard when you've invested time into somebody and then they try to change the rules.

Emma, I don't think the rules have ever changed. I think you've been a hoodornament since the day he met you.

What do you mean by that?

You're something he can show off. You're not two people creating a life together. That's the whole movement, right? You're an object that he's proud of, and he has it, and he puts it in a trophy case, and no one else can see it or talk to it, and he's going to go out and get another trophy, and another trophy, and another trophy. He's been doing that since you were married. He just become more overt about it. Has he cheated on you before? Yeah. Of course. Now, he just wants to cheat under the cover of, you know it.

Right. Not that I would ever be interested in having multiple people, but for principle's sake, I said, Okay, well, I will, too. It's like, no, men are different. What?

Gosh. Yeah. Men are different because they think they can get away with watching some internet videos and being like, Yeah, that's how the world works, and then try to go do that.

I think what it's been hard is I have done… I really have always believed in marriage, and it was very serious for me. It's been very challenging to come to the terms of, wow, this wasn't what I thought it was. Then how do I give up? How do I let go?

That's what I'm struggling with. Hold on. It is what you thought it was?

It isn't. Sorry.

No, I'm telling you, it is what you thought it was. It is important. It is valuable. It's extraordinary and it's hard and it's worth every weird, awkward, awful, heartbreaking second of it. It's just that the person you married doesn't think it's worth the toilet paper he wiped his butt with this morning. You think it's super valuable, and somebody is like, Yeah, I do. If they're not upholding their end of the Here's the thing. I am out of the business. I will never be in the business of telling somebody unless they're in a highly abusive relationship, you have to get out now. I won't let you off the hook with blaming me. You're going to have to make that choice for you.

Yeah.

You have to make a grown-up choice. Is it going to suck? Yes. Is it going to break your heart? Yes. But your heart's already broken. It already sucks.

I think that's right. This isn't stuff I already don't know. I've known I need to leave. It's more like I'm scared of being alone, and I just don't know how to get over that.

How old are you?

I'm 30.

Okay, you're fine. Yeah. I said that if you give me a number, you're suddenly not fine. This awesome guy that comes here and gets cookies every evening, he's probably in his late '80s or '90s. He just got married. There's people out there. I don't think that's the true fear you have. What's the true fear?

I think part of it's fear of being alone and not knowing what to do with myself and then him muting someone else and being everything I wanted and then giving up. It's like the fear of regret, but I already know what's going on.

Yeah, he's already left you. I mean, he's already He left you. He's just in the same house.

He just says he hasn't. He said, Oh, I'll never leave you. You're good with me. It's like, How could I feel good? I Yeah, it's the fear of- Why don't you think you're worth working on, honoring, going to get a degree if you don't have one?

Why don't you think you're worth those things? Because I see in your head, you think, Okay, I'm out of a toxic nonsense relationship. I put everything into it, and I believed in this Mm-hmm (affirmative). I guess the image you have in your head is you just sitting around. Do you work now?

Yeah, I do. I'm a nurse.

Yeah, well, dude. I mean, you could do anything. You can take a travel contract and go see the country.

Yeah.

Or you can do absolutely nothing and stay right in the situation you're in right now. You know what I mean?

Yeah. That's the hard part is I don't want to stay. Then when I've asked him, Hey, we need to take a break. I need time to think. Can you go stay somewhere else? He says, No. Basically, it's like Groundhog say. I feel like I'm- Whose home is it? It's ours. Okay.

Well, as a part of a divorce settlement, you'll have to sell the house, or somebody's going to have to buy the other person out.

Right. Yeah.

You want this all? Listen, you want this whole... You want the car just to run out of gas on the side of the road and gently come to a stop. It's not going to. You're married to somebody who cares more about how they look, how they appear to the world and what they want, and they will stomp over the person. They looked in the eye and said, I do for the rest of my life. Stomped all over you. There's no reason to think that this person is going to be rational or kind or respectful as this thing dissolves. This will be a big blow to his red pill ego, right? Because you're his property. You're a trophy that goes in the case.

Yeah. I know the term narcissism gets thrown around left and right, but I think there is some of that going on as well.

I would say, who cares? Yeah, who cares? You're spending a lot of time trying to figure things out, but you already know your answer. You already know your answer.

Yeah. Great. I'm sorry. It's okay. It's been really difficult. I know.

It's not okay.

Yeah.

It's not okay. I'm old school, man. I believe in getting married and duking it out and figuring it out as long as you can.

Yeah, there's fear that I won't... It's just because of what I've been through. There's no good men out there.

There is. I work with a whole bunch of them. A whole bunch of them. Yeah.

Right.

I do. They're my friends. I know them. They treat their wives honorably. They're goofy, and they're into weird things, and they smell funny, and yada. They listen to bad music, but they're great guys. They're extraordinary. There's a whole bunch of them.

Right.

Yeah. Whatever led you to this particular person, if that's not something you want, then you're going to have to be intentional about seeking out different things in the dating process moving forward if you choose to do that again.

Mm-hmm. Right? Yeah. Right.

Go for- Fast cars and muscles can't be the choice again this time. And flashy things can't be the choice this time.

Mm-hmm.

Muscles are good. Having a stable job is good. Shiny things are nice, but they can't lead the way, right?

Right. They fade. You know. There's not the security that I would need. That's right.

I'm sorry, Emma. I'm sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. I wish I had some better ta-da for you. This one's on you. You got to make the call. What you're going to do next? Call anytime. It's going to be hard. It's going to be If you ever feel unsafe, make sure you've got people in your corner that you can walk alongside. Often people like this don't like to give up their property or their ego or their respect. They don't like to... They want it all. It doesn't matter who they're going to hurt in the path towards getting whatever it is they want. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I wish you peace, peace, peace, and whatever you do next. We'll be right back. I love my Helix mattresses. I ordered a Helix for every bedroom in my house, for my bedroom, my kids, our guest room. And unlike other mattress companies I've used before, the shipping came so quickly. It was delivered right to my door. And yes, the mattresses are incredible. Helix has been awarded the number one mattress, picked by GQ and Wired magazine and more. It's even recommended by multiple leading chiropractors and doctors of sleep medicine as a go-to solution for improving your sleep.

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What's up, Kayla?

Hey, Dr. John. How are you today? I'm good.

How about you?

Not Yeah, I can't complain.

You could complain, but then you'd be like, Kelly, all the time. What's up? What's up?

My mother-in-law believes in some out-their conspiracy theories, and ultimately, I'm wanting to foster a good relationship between her and my four kids, but also I want to help my husband stand firm with boundaries, and I want to know how I can be good at that role.

What conspiracy theories? Are they the good ones or are they way out there, good ones?

Yeah, out there. Everything from flat earth, no landing. Duh.

Continue.

The I'm going to get into some that make my heart hurt. Jewish people are nefariously owning everything.

That's less of a conspiracy theory, more of just a bigoted away to see the world.

Yeah. Then there's weird ones, like viruses don't exist. It's hard to have those conversations with her. Because if you disagree with her, she gets really defensive and angry. Yes.

I have a rule that I only talk to people that I can only speak when I can be heard. Sure. I joke, my friend Rachel Cruz here, my closest buddy's here, she believes, doesn't really believe in the moon landing. She's not a flat earther, but big foot, all into these wild things. But she's good-natured about it, and we laugh about it, and we poke fun at each other. I think conspiracy theories on the whole are a way that people sometimes try to make sense of a world that feels out of control. If every dot is connected behind the curtain, then there's a clockmaker back there somewhere. It makes people feel good. You're talking about bigotry, and you're talking about health safety. You're talking about madness.

Yeah.

Right? And an inability to have a conversation about it. Yeah. I don't want my kids around that crap.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

But I don't want to withhold them from her because she is a good grandma.

She is choosing to have them not around. You're choosing to keep your kids safe. She is choosing to not have her kids around. I mean, it's as simple as that. You wouldn't say, I don't want my kids to go out in traffic because... You know what I mean? It doesn't matter what I say next. You just don't want your kids to play in traffic. I don't want my kids around somebody like that. And by the way, I have let my kids stay with Rachel Cruz all day long. It's not about... Some beliefs go too far for me, but it's not about that. It's about being able to have a conversation, being able to laugh, and being able to like, Okay, now I'm going to teach you. The Does she try to talk to your kids about this stuff?

Mostly my eldest son, he's on the spectrum, and he loves outer space science. Every time he tries to talk to her about his newest favorite obsession which has been the Kuiper belt of all things. The what? He shuts him down. The Kuiper belt?

Yeah, that's one of audio Joe's, his favorites. He's a huge Kuiper belt fan. I'm just kidding. I don't know what that But she shuts him down like, That's just a lie.

That's fake. Don't talk about it. It hurts him when he's trying to have a conversation with his grandma.

Yeah, I hate that for him. Where's your husband in all of this?

Very, very frustrated. He's the one who has the harder conversations because I believe that you deal with your people and I'll deal with my people when they're being weird. I like that.

I agree with that.

He's just increasingly frustrated and heart sick about it. That's it, yeah. He works a lot, and he actually works with them because it's a family-run business, and so we're just forced to be in that.

I'll challenge you on that. At some point, I have chosen over my career to not be around certain people with certain beliefs. I've left.

Sure.

I've chosen other opportunities. I know that's hard and heart sick. I love that you said that. He's grieving this thing. He had this picture of how this was all going to work out. He's going to have four amazing kids, and I'm an awesome family business, and yada, yada, yada. His mom's increasingly saying wilder and wilder things, and now she's getting into highly offensive, highly illogical, highly unsafe language. Now she's trying to teach my kids.

Yeah.

You don't have a choice if you continue to take a paycheck from them, and they continue to be the boss, then they run your life.

Yeah.

At some point, he's got to choose, I want peace from my family, I want peace for my home. It's going to cost me something. That sucks. I hate that. I'm going to grieve it like crazy. I'm going to grieve it like crazy.

Yeah, I think we already sense that coming. Yeah.

So Well, here's what I recommend. The earlier you all can decide to make some hard choices before it turns into a car wreck, you're still going to be stuck in traffic for a while, but at least you're not going to be sitting outside the road with a car all smashed up. Just the idea that you would take away space from a 12-year-old on the spectrum, it's just almost borderline evil. It's just mean. You know what I mean? It's just mean. Yeah.

But it's not helpful or useful. It's just mean.

It's an older adult flexing on a kid. Why would you do that?

Yeah.

Why would you do that? That's a good question. I don't know, man. I don't have anything nice to say. So my mom told me, just keep my mouth shut. But, yeah, I mean, you and your husband got to sit down and make some hard calls. If it's my house and my mom was saying nonsense, stuff like that. I'd be looking, and I worked for a family business, I'd be looking for work elsewhere. That's just what I would do in my house. I would be pretty clear with my mom and my dad, if you're going to make these statements, these generalized statements about entire races and groups of people or religious groups, or if you're going to completely deny any scientific reality, I can't have my kids stay with you. I can't have my kids around you. If you're going to talk this way, they can't be here.

Yeah.

And your grandparent, I mean, your in-laws, they get to make the final choice as to whether your kids are over there or not, and they have a relationship with them. If they choose their theories and their nonsense and their joy-busting and their bigotry over having a relationship with their kids, that's a heartbreaking choice that you all are going to have to grieve. It sucks. But it's reality.

Yeah, I get it.

There's too many people. There's too many awesome people at your local church. There's too many awesome older My son does this thing with, I don't know how it works through a school, but they do something with the old folks. I'm like, There's some amazing people that would talk to your son till the cows come home about the whatever, whatever, Orion's belt thing that you talked about. That would just let him talk about science and run with it and make eye contact and be engaged. That's what that kid deserves and needs.

Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. We do go to a local church here, and he does have that with some older people. That's so amazing.

Invite them over to your house for a meal. Invite them over. Let them see what that looks like. I know it's heartbreaking, but invite them over. At some point, hopefully sooner rather than later, your husband's going to make a hard call, hard decision. Yes, I agree with you. That's his call to make. Those are his parents. That's his call to make. Good on him. We've had multiple calls over the years on this show where husbands are too cowardly to address their own moms, and so their wives have to take it on, and it becomes a disaster. But, yeah, you're all going to have to make some pretty significant life changes. I hate that for you. But bigotry has got no place in my house. It just doesn't. Everybody's welcome at the Delaney house. That's how it's going to be. I might make mistakes going I'm full steam ahead, but I'm going to make mistakes when it comes to health and safety. Not listening to some Yahoo on a YouTube channel. It's got 12 followers who's in the trunk of his car somewhere in the Mojave desert telling us things that we really know. I'm just not going to do that.

I'm not going to do that. Here's the deal. If I find out when I'm 85 that all of the space was faked, what if it was all faked? None of it's real. None of it's real. Nasa is a huge front for a weapon system that's going to bring the one world government, whatever, and bring Bigfoot back to life so we can ride on a sloth. I don't know. Not a sloth. What are those big elephant things? Mr. Snuffleupicus. What were those things?

Like, wooly mammoth?

A wooly mammoth? Not a sloth. A wooly mammoth? I don't know. I'm just trying to... You know what? I'll go like, Man, missed that one when I'm 80. I'm not going to live my life like that every day. I got a couple of little kids that I love too much, and I want their imaginations to Absolutely stone run wild. People need to get off the internet unless you're listening to this show. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Kyla, we'll be right back. This show is sponsored by Better Health. All right, here we are. We're almost halfway done with the year. Can you believe that? 2024 is flying by. Let me ask you something, what's something you're really proud of so far this year? What's something you're still hoping you can change direction on? Is there something that's haunting you? Not including the presidential election that's coming up, but something that's just hanging on that you need help in overcoming. As we get older, life picks up steam and it moves so, so fast. It's so important to take a moment to celebrate your wins. It's also important to stop midstream and make adjustments for the rest of the year.

Therapy can be a place where you can take stock of your progress and set achievable goals for the six months and beyond. Therapy is a safe, effective place to get things off your chest, to learn how to say scary things out loud, and to figure out how to work through whatever has been weighing you down, especially the first part of this year. I have been personally blessed to have a great therapist who I can talk to and who helps me work through things, analyze what's going on in the past, and create a plan for how to get better in the future. If you're thinking of starting therapy, give better help a try. It's totally online, it's totally convenient, and it's flexible, and it's suited to fit your schedule. You just fill out a brief questionnaire, you get matched with a licensed therapist, you can switch therapists at any time. It doesn't cost you any money. If you're ready to take a moment and be super intentional for the rest of 2024, call Betterhelp. Visit betterhelp. Com/delonie today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P. Com/delonie. All right, let's go out to the city of Angels, Los Angeles, and talk to Nora.

Hey, Nora.

Yes, Nora.

What's up? I know that's not your real name, but yes, Nora.

Let's go with that one. Hey, it sounds good. All right, let's go with it.

What's up?

Hey, Dr. John. Super excited and quite a bit nervous to be talking to you. Anyway, I'm a little scared of what harsh realities you might have for me, but in the same breath, I need someone to be brutally honest. I really appreciate that you're taking my call today.

I'll put on my... I lied to the last call a little bit, so I'm going to... I hedged a little bit. I didn't lie, but I wasn't as mean as I could have been. I will put on my brutally honest hat. All right, let's do this.

All right. I appreciate it. I married my boyfriend of about two years in February, and I hate to say it, I did it for immigration reasons. Okay. Don't know if you can pick up my accent. I am not from the US.

I thought you were from Nebraska.

I know. Everyone says, You are from the south, right? I'm like, I am. Fantastic. Really, really far south.

Way, way, way far south.

Awesome. Really, really far south. Wait a minute.

Hold on. Our immigration policy and process here is clean as a whistle. It's a cream. Yeah, it's just smooth and simple. It's beautiful. And simple. Everybody's on the same page. I know why you had to do this, but- It's amazing.

I know, right? Amazing. You've been here over 12 years, and they're like, Come on in. Please stay.

Please stay. Oh, my gosh. I'm so sorry. All right, so you've been here 12 years. You married this guy, and I'm assuming it's not going great.

It is not going great. It is going terribly. How come? We fight all the time. This is before marriage, and our lawyer, who is wonderful, obviously, we didn't say, Hey, we fight all the time. Should we get married? She's like, Great idea. She obviously gave us all our options, said, Look, this is the best one. We were like, Great idea. Let's do it. Anyway, we do. We fight all the time, every other week, probably at a minimum. It's just toxic. It's so unhealthy. I don't know what to do because if we divorce, I'm done. Everything I've built, my friends, my business, everything, I'm done. I go home with my tail between my legs, and I have to start again. It's not even a tail between my legs. This is now my home. Everyone's like, Do you miss home? I'm like, Yeah, sure, I do. But I've built my I've known him for a whole life here. I graduated college and came here. It's not even that. I love him, too.

Why do you all… It's going to sound like a strange question, and I'm choosing my words carefully. Why How do you all choose fighting?

I don't know. We don't communicate. That is something we both know we don't do.

Hold on. Why do you choose to not communicate?

We've discovered that we are afraid of each other. We both have a lot of past trauma. Something I've learned from listening to your show is the GPS pins, and we definitely do that to each other. He has a pin on me from past trauma, and I have a pin on him. I'm like, You're going to do what all these people in my past have done to me. He's like, You're going to do all these things that these people in my past have done to me, rather than going, Hey, maybe I should trust you, and maybe you're not going to do that. But we don't give each other the opportunity.

Okay, but you hear that, though. All these things. Your nervous system is not a choice. It's working behind the scenes, day and night to save your life. But everything after that, you are choosing. What are you scared of?

Me, personally, I'm scared of being abandoned. That's my past.

You're going to fight and scratch and claw until he abandoned you and you go, Yeah, told you. I knew it. Why? Why would you do that? I don't know. I know making it sounds so simple, and I know it's not, but just come up 30,000 feet above this with me. Why are you choosing this?

I don't know. You love this guy? Honestly, I do. You will not be surprised when I tell you every time we fight, I'm out. I run every time. Of course you do.

Why? What's his issue?

He was lied to by his family up until he's in his 40s, and up until about five years ago, he found out that his dad is not his dad.

Good gosh. Everything he knows is a lie, right? It's not, but that's the way it feels.

Yeah. He does not like lying, obviously. If I even give him mistruth, I'm wearing blue socks and they're actually black, he's like, You lied to me.

Yeah, but that's his nervous system.

Yeah.

That's his body going to war. It's fight or flight, instant.

Yeah.

I'm making it sound so trite, and I know that. Okay, I'm doing that on purpose. We don't have a ton of time together. But if you called and said this dude is super abusive, I hate this guy. I did this just for this. I hate the guy. I don't like being around him. His breath is terrible. He's gross. He's an awful romantic guy. He's the worst. I would tell you, you got some really hard choices ahead. But let's take... In a way, it's going to sound awful. In a way, I'm glad you have this huge cliff in front of you because it's making you think twice about abandoning this relationship. Because I think you actually do like this I do.

I love him to death.

No, that's just what people say about their puppy. I love it to death. I think you actually like this guy.

I do.

I don't think you'd be calling if you didn't. You're too wise. You're smart, but you're wise. I think he likes you, too, huh?

Yeah.

It's not uncommon to be married. You all got nine months in, 10 months in now?

I'm sorry, four or five? Four months in, yeah. Okay.

What does it look like to sit down from each other and say, Okay, we can't keep doing this. One or both of us are going to have to risk getting hurt really bad. Let's say, I love you. I'm going to stop fighting. Is that possible? He's 40. How old are you?

I'm almost 40. He's in his mid-forties.

You all have been living by yourselves for a long time, right? You all are pretty independent people. From my perspective, it feels like something you all could figure out and choose. I'm going to choose healing. I'm going to choose the discomfort instead of choosing to run and fight and scratch and call and push people away and then point at them and go, See, I told you I knew you would do this. I mean, you got to choose your hard here.

Yeah.

You can choose hard, figuring out how to find a new life in a new country, a new old country, and let everything go, or choose hard, I'm going to choose to be relationally vulnerable. It's going to scare me to freaking death. But for whatever reason I did it, I said, I do. Now, I haven't looked at the data in a couple of years I'm talking about old data, but the last time I took a cursory look at it, arranged marriages do as well or a little bit better as marriages that are for romance. Romance in ui-gui. People just choose. We're married. We're just going to figure this out. I've got a ton of hope for you guys. If you all both sat down like adults and said, All right, I'm going to quit fighting. We're acting like children because our nervous systems are still children. I will never, I will never, ever lie to you again. Ever. I will never run from an argument ever again. Here's what I want. Here's what I need.

Yeah. It's interesting you say that we tried to talk yesterday, and it started off as two children fighting, and it ended as two adults. It was probably the best argument we've had. I did. I said that. I was like, We are acting like teenagers. We are acting like children fighting. I'm nearly in my 40s. You are in your 40s, and this is ridiculous.

You're both asking the same childhood question that haunt us all. Now that you see all of me, do you still love me? When your body gets asked that question, you haul ass out of there. When his body gets asked that question, he's like, I'm untethered to everything. My dad's not even my dad. You all have to know that. I'd say a 17-year-old or 16-year-old response to that question is to run and hide and pout and be mad and withhold and be angry and all those things. That's a normal 17-year-old response. It's not a 40-year-old response. 40-year-old response says, I'm putting both hands on the table, and my body feels super scared right now. Are you in this with me? Yes. Okay, give me one second. I'm going to breathe through this and we're going to keep going.

Yeah.

All right? Then we're going to keep going.

Yeah.

As I'm saying this out loud, does the thought of this give you peace, or is the thought of this like,.

No, it gives me so much peace. My heart rate has just come down. Okay.

What if he has to go first?

Yeah.

Here's the deal. Here's what sucks about this. The great Esther Pirel says this, all relationship, whether you've been married for four months, you've been married for 45 years. Every morning, you get up and you present yourself to somebody else hoping that they still love you.

Yeah.

It's a risk. You can sit down tonight and say, Okay, I talked to this moron on a podcast, and here's what I want to try. This part is hard living every day. We're in tension. We're fighting. We're scratching and clunching. This is hard. Both of us choosing that we love each other, and we are going to gently and quietly, and sometimes, vigorously, figure this thing out. Will you do that with me?

Yeah. I think that sounds amazing.

He can look at you and say, Screw you. I quit. He can do that, right?

Yeah.

The worst case scenario is you have to pack up and move. The worst case scenario is already the worst case scenario, right?

Mm-hmm.

Okay, let me flip this around. How's the romance?

It's actually pretty good.

Pretty good or like, We're 40 and we still got it?

Oh, no.

We're 40 and we still got it. Okay, that's what I'm talking about. There's still passion there, right?

Yeah.

Yes. Yeah. What do you do for a living? Give me a roundabout.

I'm in the medical field. Okay.

What about him?

He runs his own business in construction.

He's successful? Yeah. You're successful? Yeah. All right. You got two highly successful, highly opinionated alphas sitting down, and their 14-year-olds are running the show. Stop. Fair? Yeah. I also want you to make space for that 14-year-old that's still scared to death of getting her heartbroken. I don't want him to make space for that 39-year-old that just found out his dad That's not his real dad. Because those... I made the call yesterday to my wife on the way to work. I am sorry that I just acted like a child, and I took out my shame as a husband. I was late, late, late, late, so much so that my wife started grabbing her purse and grabbing her shoes to take my son to school. I was beyond normal John late. Then I got ashamed, and I was like, What are you doing? She was like, I'm taking him to school. I was like, I'm going to. Then on the way to work, I and said, I'm so sorry. That's my biggest… I suck as a grown up because I'm late everywhere, and it just is embarrassing to me that you're about to blow your whole morning to take him 40 minutes out of the way.

She laughed and said, I forgive you. I said, I'm still growing. That's going to still happen. It's still part of it.

I hate to say it's good to hear that other people that seem so perfect on the outside have... Me?

Struggles to... Nora, you could have listened to this show twice to know how the least perfect there is. There is. No, man. I am super fun to be married to, and I am a nightmare to be married to.

Yeah.

Right? It's both the end. Everyone is. Everyone's got their stuff.

Yeah.

But I think it's just deciding like, Hey, we can make a choice. Yeah, our bodies are going to take off on us, and our bodies are going to go to fight or flight. They're going to try to protect us at all costs. But we can make a choice as to what to do next. I'm always going to I'm always going to choose you, and I'm always going to choose honesty, and I'm never going to run from you. I need you, honey. Yes, you found out a bombshell. I need you to go to counseling and work through that. And not everything in your life was a lie. Not everything in your life wasn't true. I'm here. I'm not a lie. Yeah, we're a little bit shady about why we got married, but we're going to make the sucker run. Yeah. Is that fair?

Yeah. He does. He goes to therapy, but he did tell me a while ago that he isn't always honest with her, and I don't know what that means.

That's so dumb. Tell him to stop wasting his money. Tell him just to mail the money to me, and I'll buy some cool hunting gear with it. I'll make it way better use.

I said that, too. I was like, Why are you wasting money? Or she only costs $15 because of his insurance. I was like, Oh, my God, I can't win this argument.

Oh, jeez.

Whatever. But a long time ago, probably a year now, we had an argument about him saying that he wasn't mad at his mother, his parents, about the whole lie. Finally, one day, this is the year ago, he broke down and he did admit that he was very angry. I was like, Finally.

Okay, hold on. How did you not- Hold on. What did you win?

Well, I didn't win.

What did Why? No, no, no. In your guts, you needed to win that exchange because you knew. What did you win?

Just that I needed him to admit that he did- Why did you need that? Because he kept on saying that- Why did you need that? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

Of course, you're right. Of course. 100% you're right. But why did you need to win that exchange?

I wanted him to understand that keeping it inside or just feel that keeping it inside was killing him.

It is.

It was killing him.

Okay, so you can fight him or you can say, you can put one hand on the back of his neck and one hand on the side of his face. By the way, that calms the nervous system. You can say, I love you, and I don't see a possible way in the world that if somebody did that to me, that I wouldn't be enraged. I also know that's scary to say out loud. I love you. Never forget, secrets will kill you. I'm always a safe place. You walk away. Because it's not an exchange. You You versus him and you win, you both lose.

Yeah, that's true.

I'm not going to fight you. On that one, I know I'm right. I know I'm right. I'm going to be here whenever you're ready. Eventually, he was ready. He just had to take a loss for it. And so he's got to make up for that loss somewhere else. The same as at his company when the pipe comes in more expensive, he's got to make cuts over here on the wood. He's got to figure it out how to balance the sheet. I'm balancing the sheet with my wife. We're on the same team.

Yeah, that's true. Is that fair? And you're right because I felt guilty afterwards. It's like having siblings and you take something from them when you're a kid and you're like, Ha-ha, I got the red crayon. And then you're like, That doesn't feel as good to what I thought it was going to.

Exactly. If you're like most of us, you make him feel bad for making you feel guilty.

Yeah.

Don't do that. All of these are grown-up choices. All of them. Here's what my hope is, my most sincere hope. I hope you and him call on your one-year anniversary. Okay. We will cheer the crap out of it. We will celebrate you so big. It'll be amazing.

Okay.

Or better yet, come to Nashville. We will do that. How about this? Better yet. You can be my guest at the Money and Marriage event in Nashville, Tennessee, in October. Be my guest. I'll pay for your tickets.

Oh, my God. That would be amazing.

You all got to come down, but I'll pay for your tickets.

All right.

Is that on? Stay on the line. We're going to get your number if you want to stay. It's completely sold out. We'll find somewhere in the building for you. I even tried to get my friends, and they're like, Yeah, we like, No. But we'll get you in the building. You're in if you all want to come down to Nashville. You are amazing. You all are wealthy enough, you can afford it, and you can come down, and it'll be a glass.

You're amazing, Dr. J. Is that cool? Thank you so much. Yeah.

All right. Same to you. I really appreciate you. All right. In six months, we're going to have a celebration on this show for your one year anniversary, if you choose to stay. And for everybody listening, it does sound like I tried to pressure them to stay. I'm biased, 100 %. And that pressure came from, I believe in her guts, that she wants to figure this thing out, not just because she doesn't want to get deported. She wants to figure this out because I think she actually likes this guy. I think he might be actually worth the fight to figure it all out. It's going to be hard. You got two adults who are entrenched and successful, and they've been doing their life their way for a long time. I think they can figure it out. Man, what a story this will be. What a story this will be. Thanks for the call, Nora. You're rad. We'll be right back. What up? What up? You have heard me talk about my favorite event in the world, Money and Marriage Getaway with me and Rachel Cruz. Here in Nashville, we love it, you love it, and I've got some news.

This fall's event just sold out. The one we do every year in October is gone. But But I've got you. Rachel's got you. We've got you. We've decided to add another Money and Marriage Getaway. This time, Valentine's 2025. Same incredible location here in Nashville, same real honest teaching, and of course, tons of live Q&A sessions with me and Rachel Cruz and other special guests. You do not want to miss this chance to get away with your spouse, strengthen your communication, talk about the things you need to talk about, and build a plan for an all-new marriage together. Get your tickets now while Early Bird prices are happening and save up to $350. And go ahead and knock out Valentine's Day gifts 2025 right now. If you want a platinum ticket, this is not a sales pitch. This is me just loving you. You got to hurry. Last year, platinum sold out in under an hour. Get your tickets at ramseysolutions. Com/getaway. Come to Nashville, hang out with me and Rachel Cruz. Maybe our spouses show up and more and more for fun. That's ramsey solutions. Com/getaway. All right, we are back. Hey, it's Kelly's birthday.

Thank you.

This is a big one.

It is a big one.

It's like a big one. We put new parking stripes out there for your walker, and we're so excited. You can roll right up to the studio now. That's so good.

It is a big It's the big 5-0.

Your husband kissed a 50-year-old lady this morning.

Yeah, but he's 59, so he's pretty dang lucky.

Well played. Well played. You've kissed a 50-year-old man before? Well, Yeah, because I'm 50. We should just stop that. It's going to get off. You and I are going to get off the real quick. It's going to get real bad, real fast. Well, so what are you doing for your birthday?

He was going to make dinner tonight, but he's home sick, so I told him, Please not to. That's such a thing.

It's so good. What a good move.

We've got some friends going out on Saturday night. We went to lunch on Sunday, and then we got some friends going out dancing on Saturday night. I will truly feel my age on Sunday morning.

Oh, for sure. 100%. You and both of your new hips.

In my knees. Yes.

Shoulder. Dang, dude. Well, congratulations on making 50. I bet your childhood liver didn't think you'd make it this far, so congratulations.

My childhood liver?

I'm for your college liver.

College, that's fair.

Your college liver is like, We're not going to do 50. Probably not. We made it. We made it. Yeah, we are. Yeah. Congratulations. Thank you. Awesome. Okay, so what do we got?

We have an Am I the problem?

Okay, Am I the problem?

All right, this is from Tracy in Alabama. Am I the problem for asking my mom to include me or to go through me when making plans with my pre-teen kids?

Yes, yes, yes, and yes, and yes, and yes.

We have a kid's cell phone that they are allowed to text a limited number of people on. She will text them on that phone regarding activities and then expect the kids to talk to me. No. But I am requesting that she contact me as well. She says I'm trying to put rules on her and that I'm being difficult. Am I the problem?

I would tell her, If this happens again, I'm going to block you. Is that her mom or her mother-in-law?

Her mom.

Yeah. If it's my mom, I would say, Mom, if you ask my kids for a... I can't even do this. My mom is so respectful of our boundaries, and we got some crazy ones. But, I'm going to block you. You can't text my kids or preteens. Good Gosh. That's so insane. Parents, stop being insane. I don't have words for that. Good grief. What about you? What do you think, Kelly?

I 100% agree with you on that one.

Give me some of your ancient wisdom. Chip it into a tablet for us.

Seriously, you all hear this. This is what I deal with all day long. No, I think you're right because it's one thing if grandma text the kids, Hi, I love you. Of course. Yeah, because my kids have done that with their grandparents. Mine, too. But I could not imagine my in-laws, I don't have my parents anymore, but they would never have done that. If they would have said, Oh, we're going to go here. Hey, they don't know what we have planned. They don't know. It's just, no.

My parents don't ask me to plan things. They go straight to my wife because they know- I mean, I've met your parents and your mother- I know. Knows you. Exactly. She would not. I'm far beyond I had such a power move. I'm going to take over the raising of these kids. It's so gross. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. Let me put it this way. Nobody should be texting your children. No adult should be texting your children other than in-laws. Maybe somebody... I'm going to say no. Even my buddy, Hank's got a mentor, a guy that I just adore and love. He texts me. He CCs me when he texts my son because it's inappropriate for an adult to text kids. All these stupid apps that coaches have, like you have to... They're texting your kid. No, no adults are texting my kids. It's insane. If it's your parent, at some point, they cross the line and they become just like every other adult if they don't abide by your boundaries. It's madness.

The only exception we have is my son goes to the beach with my sister-in-law every year, and every year he goes. Sure. But he's also, he's 18.

He's 18. Yeah.

But she'll text him, Hey, here's the dates we're going this year, so that he can ask off for work- Sure. And he can make a plan. Then she always lets me know, Hey, I told Nathan, here's the dates.

You know why? Because she's a functioning adult. Right. Yeah. So, yeah. Oh, my gosh. Lord, take the phones away, all of them. Bring us the box back on the wall with the squiggly little cord attached to it. Please, please. Oh, jeez. Help us all. Love you guys. Bye.