Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show.

I was like, That sounds like a scam. She's like, It's not a scam. She lost hundreds of thousands of dollars. She hasn't told my stepdad, she thinks she's smarter than everyone. Yes. That's going to be... It's a hard conversation to have with her.

But this is not a discussion. What's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. We're talking about all the different relationships you happen to be in, your emotional health, your mental health, your kids, your in-laws, your mom and dad, your spouse, your girlfriend, boyfriend, whatever you got going on in your life. I'm going to sit with you and we're going to figure out what do we do next. What do we do next? If you want to be on the show, give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291 or go to JohnDeloney. Com/ askaskask. Before we go to the first call, Kelly, we partied.

We did. We had fun on Saturday night.

Kelly had one of her ancient milestone birthdays. We went to the nursing home and took it over. It was awesome.

The real story is... My 50th birthday was last week. There's a cover band here in the Nashville area that does this '80s, '90s, early 2000s music. They're just fun. They crush, dude. They're amazing musicians, too. We had a huge group of people went out, and John joined us. I noticed, just as you got there, one of the first songs they played was Poison.

Oh, they played Talk Dirty to Me. I was there, and then they followed it with We're not going to take it. I was like, it took everything I could to keep my shirt on. It was trying to take itself off.

Just so you know, they play for three hours straight. They do not take a break, and we never sat down. Those girls, those of us that were dancing, everything still hurts. My abs, especially, are just screaming for the the last two days.

I know. I saw you all just passing out tubes of Ben Gay and Jara Tal.

Shorty got low, and the next day, I felt it.

They did. Anytime there's Poison and Bel Biv Devo and Shorty gets low, there's going to be some achy joints in the morning.

But they They were amazing, and it was a lot of fun.

Okay. I feel like I have to say this because I saw something, again, I wish I wasn't like this. I just get this way whenever I'm at a place. In 99% of the time, I'm with my wife. My wife and I went to a concert last night. I just get very mother hen, even though I'm a dude, about the people I'm with. There was what? Probably 15 women I work with, me and Jim. There's a couple of dudes. Your husband was there. Mike was there. There's a couple of guys there. That we know or work with. It kills me watching 9 or 10 of my good friends dancing the night away, and there's always one dude.

In this case, there was three me, but the one guy, especially- He wouldn't even face in the stage.

He was just facing you. I told you, it looked like a school of fish, and it looked like a barracuda just waiting to pick one you all off.

But the thing is, as a female who has... I love to dance, so we Well, that's normal, sadly. It's what we're used to, and you either ignore or you end up being the B-word and having to be like, Dude, knock it off. My husband, when it was over, he was like, Okay. He was watching him real closely.

I I couldn't take my eyes off him. I was like, Dude, if that dude gets one inch.

Yeah, and he kept watching, finding me where I was and making sure. I was like, But that's, sadly, what we're used to. Yeah.

It's the norm. Twice when I came down, he was getting too close. I tried to get between him and him and whoever was to happen to be there.

Yeah, he would just go from one to the other.

But you try to make eye contact. Anyway, here's the deal. Gentlemen, if you are out at a place and you're with your friends, A, keep an eye out. B, if you're one of those guys, stop being that guy. Just stop. If you're one of those guys, you're not listening to this show. You are doing pushups and snorting Red Bull or Red Bull innimas, and you're like, Oh, whatever you're doing today. Don't be that guy. Don't be that guy. But, gentlemen, anyway, it was literally one of the funnest nights I've had in a long time. It was horse coming home. Oh, yeah. I was singing so loud. I was super annoyed coming home. It's that one idiot who snaps into a slim gym. Number one, button your shirt up, dude. What's the matter?

It was way low.

Button your... The deep Vs, long gone. Unless you're George Campbell, then you can wear a deep V, which he does all the time.

He's only because he's small.

Exactly. It's a regular V. It's a regular V. It just touches his belly button. But don't do that. Don't do that.

I'm not afraid to throw an elbow if necessary, and I have. If you get too close, yeah. It'd be, Oops, sorry about that.

Shorty will get real, real low. Yeah.

But again, ladies, that's why bartenders are great, that thing. I've seen that band actually before say something to guys in the audience. Good. That's awesome. They're really good about it.

At the venue I was at last night, there was a sign on the inside of the bathroom door, and it said, If somebody's making you feel uncomfortable, go to the bar and order an angel shot. An angel shot. They said, We'll take care of it from here. I love that that's becoming the norm. There's just so many creepy idiots, ruining people's good time. How can you ruin a good time when someone's playing Poison and Twisted Sister? You unbutton your shirt almost to your belly button, and you start. Sometimes there is something wrong with a little bump and grind if it's not invited. All right, let's go out to Austin, the 512, and talk to Marie. Hey, Marie, what's up?

Hey, Dr. John, how are you? I'm so good.

How about you?

Good. Just overthinking here.

That's one of my spiritual gifts.

I know. It's like a hobby for me, so I'm good.

Good. Do drugs or something. That one, it's less- I know, right? It's less bad for you. What's up?

My question is, should I talk to my stepdad about my mom's investing addiction?

I can give you some backstory on this. Is it investing in air quotes?

Yeah. I call it gambling. You're going to say she gambling?

Okay.

When she retired, I guess she was bored. She's becoming slow It was slowly more and more risky with her investment. It started with 401k, IRAs, Vanguard, the basic stuff. Then it turned into day trading with the Robin hood app and stuff like that. And then it turned into options trading. And now it's turned into cryptocurrency. And then she fell for a really big scam.

How old is she? 73. Okay, so I always like to take these Internet things and put them in the real world, just to show the absurdity. I just picture your 73-year-old mom hanging out with the Robinette bros who all have really small mustaches. I know, right? And like, Super tight pants and extra small shirts. And they're like, Yeah, listening to house music. And then your mom, I can see your mom on the side being like, Yeah.

I know, right? It's an absurd picture. And so when she told me about this cryptocurrency, because it's a group of people, and I was like, That sounds like a scam. And she's like, It's not a scam. And she lost hundreds of thousands of dollars. And she hasn't told my stepdad because she was waiting for the money to come in, which She's a gambling addiction. She's got the money and it's still waiting.

Yeah, she's got a gambling addiction. So she's down hundreds of thousands of dollars?

Just from a cryptocurrency. She doesn't tell me everything, obviously. It's her money and stuff. But she told me about this cryptocurrency. She's down hundreds of thousands of dollars. But that's not the only thing she does. She does options, which are extremely risky. And it's like, I feel like she's going backwards. Usually, when you get older, you get a little bit more conservative, but she's gone the opposite direction with these get-rich-quick schemes.

How exposed is she on options? Do you even know?

I don't know. I didn't even know what options were until she told me. Like, One time, she invested in the wrong option. It was like $17,000 in three days or something like that. It was just gone.

The problem with folks trying to do that from their home computer is they're playing with multi-billion dollar AI systems run by. You know what I mean? The reality is you cannot win at home. And that's why everyone who charts... You can have some wins, right? I was in Vegas a few weeks ago, and I was just having some fun with a little bit of money on a bike check table. I won a couple of hundred dollars. It was a cool... Everyone was high-fiving It was fun. I can't win. I'm not going to leave saying, I beat Vegas. I had a fun thing. It always loses over time. There are some people who have made some money on crypto, way more lost their souls. Anyway, we could talk about that all day long. Your question, should you tell? I always have two responses to this. Number one, you have to be really direct with her. I think you have a gambling problem, and I'm watching you just blow through your entire life's work, and either you have to stop or I'm going to bring some other people in on this. Okay. Then the second thing is when somebody's struggling with some addiction or some habit that they can't seem to have control over and it has nefarious consequences.

It's costing them things. I don't give a crap about, Bro, you said I bring everybody I can who can possibly contribute to a better outcome. I bring them all in to the conversation. But I always want to honor somebody by saying, You got 48 hours to cut all these accounts and cut your losses, or I'm going to bring everybody in. I'd rather her not like me than her have to move into your basement because she blows through every single thing they own.

Yeah. That's what we're worried about is I don't have hundreds of thousands dollars to support her if she needs to go into a retirement home. That's what her money is for. We don't have enough room. Austin is expensive. We don't have enough room for her to come in and stay with us and get the home health care and stuff. I've tried to talk to her about it before because she did tell me about the options. I was like, I think you have a gambling problem. This is getting really bad. She's like, It's not gambling, it's investing. That's her mindset right now. I know with addiction, they have to be the ones to say, Okay, I'm going to make the change But I don't know how to get through to her.

But sometimes that change comes when people realize what they're going to lose.

Yeah.

And money, clearly, her drive to not lose money is worn off, right? Then the next step is I have to step out of this relationship. You, Marie, have to step out of this relationship because I can't watch. Mom, I can't watch you continue to fill your jacket full of rocks, and you're going to drown right in front of me. I can't watch that. Okay. I'll help you. Here's another way to think about that. At the low level, low level of 4,000 bucks a month for a retirement home. If you just think 4,000 bucks times 12, that's 48,000 bucks. If she's lost $300,000, she just lost six years of retirement home. If you start putting it on paper like that, you are cashing out years of your life. It's not just money. See what I'm saying?

The other issue is she thinks she's smarter than everyone. Yes. So that's going to be... It's a hard conversation to have with her. Even like anything I bring up From the past that I've struggled with, she's like, Why I never struggled like that? So I don't know why you do that thing.

But this is not a discussion. Okay. This is a very straightforward, Mom, you've lost this many hundreds of thousands of dollars. You have a gambling problem. I see it. We all see it, and I'm not going to let you drown like this.

Okay.

If she chooses to cut you out, great. Just let her know. You can cut me out. It's fine. I'm going to tell every single person in your life who loves you that this is going on because somebody's got to step in.

Yeah.

Or you got 48 hours to tell your husband, You have 48 hours to cut these accounts off, and let's go figure something out. My guess is it's way worse than you think it is.

Yeah, I'm 100% sure. Okay.

All right. Like any good gambler, she's trying to make her... She just needs one win, and she gets all back, right?

Yeah. Just one more win. She keeps looking into those kinds of stuff.

It gets riskier and riskier, and you lose more and more and more and more. I hate that for you. Okay, let me ask you this question, though. Is she a multi-multi gajillionaire? No. Okay.

No. Well, then, so the weird part... So that's how she originally made all of her money was through stocks. And so she sold a bunch before Y2K and made a lot of money that way. But I would say less than 10 million in 2000. And so, which that's a big number. But at the same time, she spends a lot, a lot, a lot. And even me and my siblings are like, Where is she getting this money?

That thing. My fear is you quickly go into a world where you are leveraging debt for these investments and that you end up borrowing money to gamble. If she has $10 million and she wants to blow 200 grand on options, speculation, cool. She can do that. And you'll probably faint at this because this would be your money in inheritance. But if you have $10 million in your checking account, you can light $200,000 on fire in your living room. And it's not going to change your life. You still have $9.8 million dollars left, right? You're fine. She doesn't have that. No. But I think in her head, she still has that $10 million sale, and she's burning through her cash at a rate that she's going to suffocate from the smoke.

Exactly. She even told me she had to move around money, whatever that means.

No, no, no, no, no. Gosh, yeah. By the way, it may be too far gone. I mean, it may be that she needs to call... I mean, that you need to call her father-in-law or her father Yeah. Yeah, step dad. But yeah, just as a general rule for everybody listening, if I've got somebody in my life who I love who's struggling with an addiction, I always go to that person first. But it's not a, Hey, are you struggling with? I don't do that. At this point, I go in and say, Here's what I see. Here's what I know. Here's the boundary I'm going to draw. Also, they're always the or what. Here's what I'm going to do next. You got 48 hours, you have 24 hours. If it's a life-threatening one, then I go in with a couple of people because we're not leaving this conversation with you just going back by yourself. We're leaving this conversation, you're going to rehab. This one's a little bit different because her immediate life isn't at risk. But her long term financial health, she may have 20 more years left. Twenty more years left. She's just burning cash like it's fireworks.

I would say, You got 24, 48 hours, and I'm going to tell everybody. I'm going to honor you by letting you have this conversation, or I will. But what's not up for debate is that the conversation is going to be had. So plan those things out, probably write those things down because those conversations can get emotional. And people who are struggling with addiction who are also very smart and are quick, if you will, maybe not smart, but quick, they'll have a laundry list of excuses to fire at you. So I hate that for you, man. There's nothing worse than watching a loved one do something. You just watch them, the candle just slowly burn all the way down, and they don't want to hear your advice. They don't want to listen to you. They've got it all figured out. You just see this car crash coming. I hate it for you. I hate it for you. I hate it for you. Thanks so much for the call, man. She's lucky to have you as a daughter, and now you got to do hard daughter stuff, which is step in. I'm grateful for you. We'll be right back.

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Good, thanks. I'm excited to talk to you again.

Yeah, I've got my notes here. You called me before. What did you call about last time?

We talked in, I believe it was November, about my husband who will yell and curse at me, specifically in front of our four-year-old daughter. He had done it again. I told him last time, I said, If it happens again, then We were going to be having a 30-day separation. Last week, I ended up- How did that 30-day separation conversation go?

Was he remorseful? Was he sorry? Did that make him more mad?

No, he just didn't really say much at all. Just accepted it. I don't know if he realized how serious I was about it, probably because he's done it so many times and I never took action on it. But this time, so last week, it happened again and I said, Okay, we're taking a separation It's not okay to do that. This time was in front of not only my four-year-old, but also my mom. Not only was that embarrassing, but it really lit that fire under my butt.

Before we go further, I just want to tell you, What you've done is really hard. It's going to cost you things. I want you to know I'm proud of you.

Thank you. I appreciate that.

That's real, real hard. I'm sorry that happened.

Thanks. I'm hoping that by doing this, it's not going to happen to me again, no matter what direction this all goes in.

Yeah, that's dignity. I'm proud of you. Good for you. Okay, so- Thank you. You told him you got to get out. What did he do?

It took him two days. It was two days in, and I said, It's been two days now when you're going to be leaving because he has a friend that he went to go stay with. He said, Well, why in the world are you so adamant? Then I didn't respond because that was via text message. Then he just left that night. Like I said, I don't think he realized how serious I was. So I said, Okay, well, when are you getting out of here? So he didn't explode, nothing like that, just left. Okay.

So how can I help you today?

My question, I wrote it down, is I followed your advice from the first call. We are a week and a half into our 30-day separation. What are our steps moving forward and how can I test his sincerity and his apologies moving forward. Okay.

I want to do a couple of things here. First, we're going to talk about you, and then we'll talk about him and reconnecting, okay?

Okay.

How's the last... Is it 10 days we can have. How's that been for you?

Well, you said something on the last call about where you want to go home and not feel like you're walking on eggshells and be able to breathe for the first time. My mom did just leave Sunday, so I did have her with me the whole week, but I feel like my house feels pretty peaceful. I feel pretty good, actually. Yeah.

That's your body exhaling for the first time in years, huh?

Yeah. The hard part of it, of course, is every day my daughter says, Is my dad going to sleep over tonight? When's my dad coming home? I just have to say, Oh, dad's going to pick you up tomorrow. You guys are going to have a fun time. You're going to go do this. Because we worked that out because he's seeing her frequently.

Is he safe to be around, you think?

Yeah, with her, for sure. I feel like, honestly, the person in his life that he acts like this towards is me.

Jeez, I hate that you're his designated punching bag or have been, but no more. Good for Okay, so I'll walk through three things, okay? The first thing is about you.

Okay.

You have to be very intentional about this time. What your body is going to want to do is exhale. Wouldn't it surprise me if you're sleeping more or a little more tired?

Yes. Okay. I've napped every day.

There you go. You've probably got years of stored up. I mean, your body has just been snorting cortisol and adrenaline off the bathroom for years. Now it's gone, and you're going to have what I would call a collapse period, just a. The temptation when you do that is to do nothing. Okay. I want you to rest, take that time. But also, you have to have somebody that you're meeting with, at least every other day, a friend, a counselor, a group of girlfriends, a parent of a friend of your of a friend of your daughter's, and you get the kids together. I want you to be around other people, okay? The second thing is, I want you to have some movement practice. If you just commit for the next 30 days until this period is over, I'm just going to go for a walk in the afternoons with my daughter. She can be in the stroller. She can walk, stroller, stroller walk, whatever. But I'm going to go for a walk 20 minutes, 30 minutes, 45 minutes. I'm going to get outside, even when it's hot, and I'm going to go move my body, Okay?

Okay.

The last thing is have some nighttime routine. Okay. I don't want you to suddenly find yourself Netflixing yourself to midnight and getting up at 6:00 the next morning to go do this whole thing again. Try to create some routine. You're already doing that?

Yeah.

Exactly. What happens is when somebody leaves, even if they're toxic, even if they're hurting us, they're abusive, whatever, it just creates this... You're a balloon and you just cut the string and you feel free for the first time, and it's amazing, but you can end up on the other side of the world. I don't want you to be 30 days down the road and you're exhausted because you don't sleep anymore. You haven't eaten garbage because you don't even feel like cooking because it's just this, and you haven't done any exercise, you haven't moved. You and your daughter, you're just watching TV and handing her an iPad. Suddenly, you will begin to feel bad. At the end of 30 days, your body will be run down, exhausted, tired, and then Romeo will show up. You start to take him back, no questions asked, because he's going to re-add structure back into your life, even if that structure is unsafe. You get what I'm saying? Yeah, I do. You're not the only one, but everything I'm saying, you're going, Oh, crap. That's me right now. By the way, you get a week. You get a week of just, I'm going to sleep a little too much.

You're Your body has been running for years, but now I want you to take ownership of the last three weeks. You're not going to get strong or snap into a slim jump. You're not doing that, but you're creating some structure on your own. Give yourself a bedtime. Turn your phone off, those things, okay? Okay. Here's the second thing. This is about him. Did you all come up with a plan of action, or was it just get out? You have to go to counseling You have to do this. I want to see these things before you come back into this house. Or was it just get out?

It was get out, but we've followed up with some text messages back and forth that he had said... He sent me a message saying, Well, what are you doing to better yourself in this time? I'm seeing my therapist.

Tell him he can just take the bulb out of those gas lights, dude. I'm not going to have that. We're not having that.

That's nonsense. This whole made me feel a little bit more bold. I did say all that. Good. Yeah. Because he said, Oh, I'm seeing a therapist. I'm seeing this person and reading the Bible, and I've stopped with my sports because he's always looking at sports on his phone. But I see the things that he said, and it's already things that are part of his routine. For me, it's hard for me to judge his sincerity when it's like, Okay, but you do these things on a weekly basis. He already sees a therapist and meets with a mentor and reads his Bible and has this group of guys he sees multiple times a week. It's hard for me to test that. He told me he's doing those things, of course, but I don't know if that answers your question.

But So he told you what he's doing? Yes. You've been on the receiving end of this situation for so long. The idea that you would even have any thoughts on this matter are just now awakening in you. I'm going to tell you, I don't care what he says he's telling you he's going to do. What I need you to do is to decide what would make me feel safe in my own home with my husband here.

Okay.

And be very specific. Very, very specific, as specific as you can. For instance, you cannot drink again in this house. What are the triggers? Is it money? Is it sex? Is it kids? Is Is he get really immature when he watches sports? I don't know what his triggers are, what sets him off, or why he gets so mad at you. But I want you to be specific about in this peaceful season you have, when are the things that set What are the things that set him off? When he says, What are you doing to better yourself? Your response is always, I'm not the one screaming and swearing at you in front of our child. I'm not the one that makes you feel unsafe to be in your own home. I'll I do my work, but that's not the conversation here. You, though, it's your responsibility. You asked him to go, and you still want to be married to him. Is that right?

As long as I'm treated better, yeah.

Well, A, answer that question first. Sometimes people get this 30-day separation and they exhale and they're like, Oh, okay. Now that I'm not in fight or flight anymore, I can breathe and I realize you've been unsafe for years and years. All that, that will happen or some revelation. Or you might be like, I really, really miss him and I really want to work on this thing. But you don't want to be led by feelings. Be very specific about what you need in your home to feel safe again. Okay? Go see a therapist all day long. Great. Knock your lights out. You're already seeing a therapist. I need a note from your counselor, or I need to come on the last week, and I'm going to join you in your therapy, and we're going to talk. Just so you know, Nikki, Counseling 101, one of the first things they teach us in class, the first thing I used to teach my grad students is, your clients will lie to you. You don't know what story he's given to his counselor, that his crazy wife kicked him out because she's got to, her mom was here, and she did this and this.

His therapist may have no idea.

Actually, what's just funny about that, we used to see him together where we'd see him together one week, the next week was with him, and then the next week was just myself. Then it repeated that cycle over and over. But I stopped seeing the therapist probably a year ago after another fight we had gotten into, and he just continued to see him on his own. I'm sure that's accurate. Yeah.

Here's the deal. Let's say he was going to a knee rehab specialist.

Okay.

He's been going for two years, and his knee keeps failing him. He would have stopped going a long, long time ago. Because the specialist is not helping. It's fair for you to say the counselor you've been seeing for all of these years is clearly not working. Yes. You just going back to the same workout routine is not okay.

Yeah.

Or, We are going to go see a new person starting next week, and we're going to be together one hour a week during this separation, and I'm going to pick the person. That's going to be your work to do. But I want you to think for the first time, probably ever, in terms of what do I want and what do I need to feel safe in my own home, and then be, again, very specific, probably an email call him. I would tell you guys this. I tell you, I tell everybody this. These texting exchange things are not good.

They're not good. Yeah, I agree.

I would tell them, For the next three weeks, we're not going to text like this. We'll call once a night or we'll call every other night or whatever parameters you set up, and I'll shoot you an email. But here's my expectations before you move back in, whatever they happen to be. Him just going away for 30 days doesn't do anything. It calms the smoke down from the immediate thing, but he's already back to being his old self.

Yeah. Well, that's the hard thing, too, is how you're saying this is a little bit more of a deep dive into what's going on, but you're saying there's certain things that he needs to do so I feel safe in the home. It's not as much of a tangible thing, you can't drink anymore, anything like that. It's his insecurity. If anything in life goes, he perceives it to be ahead of him, then that's what makes him snap. I know it's nothing that I could do, but how can I navigate that? If it's something having to deal with his insecurities.

I mean, that's putting you in a diagnostic role, and I would stay out of that for the time being. Because that's a root issue. Let that be between him and his therapist, okay? For you, stay at the behavior. You cannot talk to me this way in this house. If you clench your fist and bang on a counter, you cannot do that. If you get enraged because I served my plate before yours, I mean, or if the dishes aren't done just the right way or my underwear isn't folded the right way, you cannot do that.

Because here's the deal.

You have a toddler in your house, not just your four-year-old. You have an adult toddler, but that's like handing a toddler a shotgun. He's a toddler, but he has humongous muscles. He's big, and he can cause significant lasting damage with his anger and his rage and his childishness, his immaturity.

Oh, yeah.

Here's the third thing you all got to work on, You've got to be very specific about re-entry. Here's my recommendation to everybody. Have a date and a time and a restaurant on the calendar. It's not a guarantee that he comes back in day 30. It's like you buy a house, you buy a house, and then you go, the inspector comes back, and then you negotiate, I want you to fix these five things or whatever. You go walk through that house before closing. Before I take ownership of this house and write you a check, I'm going to go make sure you did all the stuff that we agreed on. In writing, it's on everybody's calendar, you don't want him just rolling back in the house on some random Tuesday, which, by the way, he's an owner of the house. He can. I always keep that in mind. He can roll back in that house and say, I'm not leaving anymore, and then you're going to have a decision to make. But right now, he's being a good support about it. He's following the direction you put on the table. I would say Pancake Pantry 9:00 in the morning on this date.

This is where we're meeting, period. If he doesn't show up, you're not going to have to deal with that. If he does show up, we're going to have a conversation about what moving back in looks like.

Yeah, he did actually try to ask a couple of days ago, Well, do you want me to come or can I go stay over? It's so I could see Scarlett in the morning? I said, No, you can come this time. I said, We'll have a conversation next week on Tuesday. I think I said, Well, she was at school, so I can get a restaurant. I will...

Oh, go ahead. I was going to say, I've heard these things. All this is going to be about your comfort level. Sometimes people do these 30-day things, and they go to couples counseling once a week or twice a week. Sometimes people do these 30-day things, and it is they meet for a meal once a week. No kids, no nothing. Just to talk through it together. Like when all the anger and the rage is out of context. There's still anger and rage at the dinner table, but it's in a public place. People are going to act a little more civilized. You can have a little more of a deeper conversation that's not emotionally tied to location, to your home. Or sometimes people are like, I can't look at you. I'm not going to text you. We just need a clean break for 30 days, and then we'll circle back. Whatever you feel comfortable with.

Okay. Yeah, I agree with that about the restaurant for sure.

If he's a soul vacuum, he just takes your soul from you and he'll just worm and leach and blob his way back into the house right on the couch with another beer yelling at you again, then maybe you need to be a little more aggressive with the boundary. If he's not, if he's really working hard, he doesn't want to yell and scream, he always gets embarrassed and ashamed, he just doesn't know what to do, then maybe I feel safe enough to have dinner with him once a week during the separation time. That'll depend on how you all negotiate that. All right, you have one more question? Go for it.

Now, with that, too, again, this was the texting thing. I feel like in a nutshell, he used to be very, very, very addicted to weed, and he has been sober for a little over three years. The way I like to explain it is I feel like we've never learned how to communicate effectively, no matter through therapists or whatever. We have been texting. Unfortunately, that's not my first choice. But he did send me a message a few days ago that he's never expressed in this way before. He did say, I am very sorry for how I have verbally abused you, and I need to change that. He says those things, but how can I actually test his sincerity going forward?

I want you to get rid of the word test.

Okay.

That creates a power dynamic that a guy who's been hiding from his own life through insecurity, he will feel that a mile away, and it's a very tough hill to climb. We're not going to test. We are going to build something new together. It's a new marriage where we don't yell at each other, we don't scream, and we support each other. Yes, we get frustrated. Yes, we get pissed off. Yes, we get angry. We're people, but we're going to handle these things like adults, and we're going to practice that. I'm not going to test you, but if you scream and yell again, you're opting out of my house, period.

Okay. It's just as simple as if it happens again.

Right. We're going to put things on the table. Once you get in the testing thing, then he's trying to please mommy or he's trying to please his teacher. You can't build a relationship that way. Now, for you to regain trust in him, if he had been cheating on you, it would be fair to say, Every evening, I want to see your text messages. Cool. Here's the code to my phone. Here's everything. I want you to get off all social media. Done. My marriage is way more important than likes and thumbs up and thumbs down. This is a little different. I wouldn't call that testing. I would just call that reestablishing trust.

But testing is- Yeah, that's exactly.

I don't want you trying to poke at him and see if he snaps and be like, I told you. Let's just get testing out of our head. We're trying to build something new. Part of building something new is you may jump on the foundation to make sure it's firm. That's cool. But it's not me versus you. Does that make sense? That's an important mental shift there.

Yeah, I think trusting is a better word because That's exactly how it feels. How do I trust them enough to know that it's not going to happen again? How can I have them move back in and not feel like I'm walking on eggshells?

That's when he sits down at dinner next week and he says, Hey, I got your email. I've taken off work tomorrow evening so you and I can go to that marriage counselor that you picked. I'm not going to go back to my guy. You're right. Clearly, it's not helping me change my behavior at all. I've started journaling, and maybe I'll start journaling together. You can do an online one or you all can share whatever that means for you all. I think a journaling practice for both of you be really useful right now because he doesn't have the skills to talk, and that's okay. A lot of men don't have the skills to talk. A lot of women don't have the skills to talk, but he didn't have those skills. But let's write them down. Let's write them down or let's do voice memos to each other. We can do long voice memos to each other and hit send, and then you can listen to it and feel it, get angry, get sad, get heartbroken, get happy, whatever, and then you can respond. But the trust is going to come when you sit down for dinner next week or in a month when you'll have breakfast or whatever, and he says, I've done this and I've done this and I've done this and I've had no more outbursts.

I've been journaling. Here's my journal stuff. We've been to counseling twice now. We're going to go a third time. I will never yell and scream at you again. All right. Anything re-entry is going to be a risk for you. It's going to be a risk for him, right? But it's not going to be a pass fail. It's going to be, I've got to see something different. Thank you so much for the call. I can't tell you how proud of you I am. I want you to brace for it. These usually get worse before they get better. His healing is going to not be a linear path with all, Oh, this is awesome. It's going to be hard. It's very hard to grow where he's trying to grow. It's very hard for you to be a single mom, which is what you've opted into for at least 30 days. It's hard. It's hard. I'm proud of you. Super proud of you. You having peace, that home having peace, your daughter having peace may give him a chance to heal. Then you guys got a new marriage. Proud of you. Call anytime. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by Better Health.

All right, here we are. We're almost halfway done with the year. Can you believe that? 2024 is flying by. Let me ask you something. What's something you're really proud of so far this year? What's something you're still hoping you can change direction on? Is there something that's haunting you? Not including the presidential election that's coming up, but something that's just hanging on that you need help in overcoming. As we get older, life picks up steam and it moves so, so fast, and it's It's so important to take a moment to celebrate your wins, and it's also important to stop midstream and make adjustments for the rest of the year. Therapy can be a place where you can take stock of your progress and set achievable goals for the next six months and beyond. Therapy is a safe, effective place to get things off your chest, to learn how to say scary things out loud, and to figure out how to work through whatever has been weighing you down, especially the first part of this year. I have been personally blessed to have a therapist who I can talk to and who helps me work through things, analyze what's going on in the past, and create a plan for how to get better in the future.

If you're thinking of starting therapy, give better help a try. It's totally online, it's totally convenient, and it's flexible, and it's suited to fit your schedule. You just fill out a brief questionnaire, you get matched with a licensed therapist, you can switch therapists at any time. It doesn't cost you any money. If you're ready to take a moment and be super intentional for the rest of 2024, call Betterhelp. Visit betterhelp. Com. Delonie today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, h-e-l-p. Com/delonie. All right, let's go out to Arlington, Virginia, and talk to Alex. Hey, Alex, what's up? Hi, how are you? I'm good. How about you?

I'm pretty good. Outstanding.

I don't be nervous. Hey, our third caller dropped, and so I appreciate you hopping on here and being willing to come on a short notice is awesome. What's up? Yeah.

I'm currently six months pregnant. How can I set boundaries with my parents when they come visit me?

Tell me about that.

I have problems setting boundaries, and my parents have problems respecting boundaries.

Those usually work together. You've learned your whole life. Your boundaries don't mean very much. Your parents just run over them, right?

Oh, my gosh, yes, 100%.

How old are you?

I'm 27.

Is this baby number one or number two?

One.

One. In their mind, this is more their grandchild than it is your baby?

Yeah, maybe, but they also have other grandchildren. Okay.

What do you think is going to happen that you're scared is going to happen?

I think, one, they're not going to respect hygiene boundaries, so like, kissing my baby, especially when she's one day old, not vaccinated and all that stuff, starts coming off a plane. My dad also just doesn't have good hand hygiene. Then two, bringing in a lot of gifts, which stressed me out a lot. I'm really stressed out by even just having things on the counter. I don't even have a coffee machine because having things on the counter would just stress me out. It takes up too much mental emotional space for me that I don't like clutter. Obviously, I'm going to have clutter with a baby.

It's like a human explosion. Everything that you've kept tightly controlled will be erupted all over your living room, right?

Yes, absolutely.

Controlling the variables has cleanliness and structure and tidiness. Has that been a way you've managed the chaos you grew up in, parents who just didn't really give a crap what you think or feel or believe?

I think more so it developed from my mom because my mom gets a lot of random stuff, stuff that she hasn't opened in years and doesn't plan to open, but refuses to get rid of it. I saw how all this stuff just ended up piling up, and it stressed me out. Now I don't get anything. Got you. Okay.

Well, I'll give you I'm going to give you a couple of different ideas, okay?

Okay.

You do with them whatever you want to. Is that cool?

Yeah.

Okay. I think it was basically I don't know the title. Everyone's got these different titles. I think it was the Chief Health Officer of New York. I remember an article a few years ago, and she was asked, if you had what's the one... As She was a parent, too. It was, what's one thing, what's the greatest advice you could tell a parent of a newborn, a first time? Her piece of advice was a joke, but not really. In practice, it's a joke, but it had a big truth to it. She said, I would encourage every parent to go down to the subway and roll your newborn around on the subway floor.

Oh, okay.

I tell you that, don't do that. Do not do that. Nobody listening to us do that. But trying to create an overly sanitized planet for your child actually robs them of a lot of the things that they can... Different sorts of things they can come in contact with, dirt and germs, et cetera. That through still feeding with you, through all... Anyway, it allows their body to begin to develop strength that will last them through their entire adulthood. I tell you that to tell you. If somebody hugs your baby, kisses your baby, and you're like, A, it's probably going to be okay. Number two, it doesn't matter what I say because they're your boundaries and it's your kid. Okay? Right. Here's how we've handled this in my house and how I'd recommend anybody handle this. My wife gave me a written, Here's what I want to have happen when our son was being born. My daughter was being She gave me another list. Now, my wife's nervous. What she does for nerves, I might go lift or go for a run or play guitar. She makes lists. She wrote down a list of questions I was not supposed to ask.

It ended up being hilarious, but also it's not helpful. She also sent letters to both my mom and her mom and our extended families. Here's going to be our plan. Here's when you all can come visit. Here's some things I'm very specific I had one buddy who had a parent who smoked. During labor, the parent was outside, had a cigarette, and came in. He stepped in. He was like, No, not holding my baby. Not after that. You got to go wash it completely up and change your shirt. There was a little bit of an awkward pause, but that parent really respected that boundary. I was getting frustrated, but went and washed up, changed shirt, and then came back. All that to say, you get to set the boundaries, and You know as well as I do, they're going to come at a cost. Well, maybe we won't just come then, or you're going to be in a delivery room and you've told your parents, We want you to wash your hands. You got to wash your hands before you hold the baby. No kissing the baby. And your dad just goes in for a kiss and you have to say, I need someone to take the baby from him, please.

This man is not permitted to hold my baby right now. And that's going to be an awkward, hard conversation. The whole visit? Or your husband, do what?

The whole visit or just that one time, you think?

It's up to you. I don't know your dad. If he is somebody that you say, Hey, dad, please wash your hands before you come into the house, and he looks at you, and he sticks him in the flower bed and moves him around in the dirt and then walks in. If he's that guy, yeah, you might have to say, Man, you've opted out of holding the kid because you're not respecting my boundaries. Oh, you're so ridiculous. I've got tons of grandkids. It'll make them tough. I don't care what you're saying. This is my baby and my boundary, period. Or if he's the guy when you say, Hey, will you kick your shoes off before you come in my house? And he goes, Oh, my gosh. Are you kidding me? But then he takes his shoes off. Then maybe it's just one time. That's up to you.

Okay.

What do you think is going to happen?

Well, I think that my dad, he did a lot of crazy things. For example, when it was the height of COVID, for example, we were still tracking how many COVID cases there were in each county. Back in the height, the start and the scare of everything. My brother had a baby, and my dad came to visit, and he found out later that he had COVID, and he didn't want to tell my brother. So I told my brother. But I think that my dad is capable of having RFSC or cold or not feeling well and not telling me and then getting my baby sick.

I think the risk of that happening is very, very, very low, of something bad happening to your baby. The bigger picture is, and you and I could probably talk for a long time about it, the bigger picture is you've grown up over the course of your life with a man who is more concerned about his pride or more concerned about not looking bad or saving face than he is about helping somebody. If I go visit somebody, a family, and we have dinner together, we go back to their house, we have coffee, we have a drink, we hang out, and then the next morning, I have the flu. Of course, I'm going to call and tell them, Guys, I have the flu. We do this in the office. People on the show, they're stuck in this box. Everybody text each other, Hey, I've got COVID. I got the flu. Everybody, make sure you be extra vigilant. We're not trying to say face in here. We're not trying to protect ourselves You've grown up with that your whole life. My guess is it's happened in some bigger issues, too, than just that one time with COVID. You've got to make that call for yourself.

But here's the thing about boundaries. You have to decide what you want this to be. Then you have to be very clear about communicating it, and you have to live with the ramifications of your boundary. Most people who want to make boundaries want to hedge on one of those three things or all three of those things. They don't want to put very clearly in writing or very clearly on the phone or in text message, Here's my expectations. They just want people to read their mind. Or they don't want to have to say, Okay, you got to get out. You can't be in here. And whatever, whatever. You got to do those three things. It's important. It takes some time. If you're married, sit down with your husband, you'll map this thing out together. What do we want this experience to be like? And as a new mom, you're going to have a lot of things to be anxious about, to worry about. You drop pacifier, you can just dust it off. It'll be fine. That immune system is growing. It's strong. More than likely, maybe it'll be fine. Thank you so much for the call.

I wish you guys all the best. Hang on the line. I'm I'm sending you a free copy as my baby gift of Building a non-anxious life. That's my gift to you. I want you to read it, and that might be a good path for you and your new family to follow in creating a house that has some peace in it. Then maybe your husband can get a coffee maker on the counter. Just maybe. Just maybe. Thanks, Alex. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndaloni. Com. All right, we're back. All right, what's up, Kelly?

All right, first of all, I really need some cool crap that happened emails, and Am I the Problem emails? So please send me your cool stories and your Am I the Problem? I need those. Send them to just the regular John email, askjohn@ramsysolutions. Com.

Perfect. Great.

Now, you put a social post up that I really, really like. I want to talk about it. I want you to talk about it. You are not a better person than them just because your addictions are less visible or more socially acceptable. You're not. And Instead of asking how they could keep drinking, gambling, using, et cetera, ask what happened in their life that makes them this way, that this is the only way that they know how to survive. Recognize that you're not better than that. Then go be a light and seek connection. Connection is where healing begins.

The root of that, I had an encounter with somebody, and I was pretty frustrated. There was a group of people, and one person was treating some other people really bad, and they had a very demonstrable addiction of their own. It just wasn't one of the designated sins of the world. It was really a case of, I'm superior to you. I just got pissed, and that's where that's from. Deeper than that is, and I've talked about on the show, I had one of my grad school professors said, The old question of why does that person keep drinking is a bad question. It's not a helpful question. It's not a fruitful question. Why is that person gambling all their life away? Why does that person work 120 hours a week? Why does that person keep cheating on their... That's not the right question. The right question is, what in the world is happening in this person's life that the only way their body has figured out how to get through this life is by drinking alcohol, overconsuming. Everything in their life is burning down. What's the point? How is this person... What is going on in the heart and mind in the life of this person that the only way they think they can make it through the day is to keep cheating on the person that loves them the most?

That's a much more instructive question, and you get to the heart of it. At the end of the day, it's a much more compassionate question because it's not, I'm not better than you. I just want to know, dude, what is so hard about your life? I'll say this. We do this thing here in Nashville that I love. It's called Room at the End. A lot of churches get involved. During the winter months, they provide place for people to sleep inside when it's freezing cold. They'll have mattresses stacked up inside buildings. Usually, these guys get classrooms, they get showers. At my church, we have a tiny little building, so We have six or seven guys that will come spend the night. A group of us will have dinner together. We all play cards. We'll just watch a movie. We'll shoot the crap together. Sometimes it's hilarious. Sometimes we're just exhausted. The first time I ever did this, I'm ashamed to say, it was all guys who had nowhere to go. A hundred %, all seven of them were up and gone the next morning before I woke up because they had to be at their job.

They were working construction. They had to be there at 6:15 AM. I remember asking somebody, these are all homeless guys, and they're already at job site at 6:00 AM working hard. They said, yeah. They just fell in this... The guy at the time called it a 60-day gap. Whether their house had just burned down, they had just been They're evicted because their landlord wants to sell the house. There's any number of reasons why. They don't have a house right this second, and they have to keep going to work. But if they don't have a place that they can spend the night and get a shower and get their clothes washed and get back out there, then in 60 days, they will have spent 25 of those days in the car sleeping, or they'll start sleeping outside, or they'll have to miss work, and then they're going to have to miss another work, or they're going to show up on a job site with dirty clothes, not smelling good, and the boss can say, Hey, man, you You can't be here like this. It's a place of business. In those 60 days, it can go from, Okay, now I got 60 days.

I got 60 days of work. I got a place to sleep, and I got a new apartment. I'm back off to the races, or 60 days, and it's almost impossible to recover from. The question, I'm ashamed to say, I didn't ask was, the question was always, why are you instead of, Man, how? That how is such an inviting question because then it's compassionate and it gives me a, dude, how can I step and how can I walk alongside you during this moment? Not point my finger at you. I think that same issue is with addictions, with any behavior that we find troubling or hard or scary. Man, what is going on in your world that you're this angry about this? What in the world are you just mad about? I think that's just a gentler way to go about our world. If we all ask that question, my goodness, what a different world we'd have. Because then it'd be like, Oh, man, we'll come stay house. That's different than you get out, right? Anyway, if we walk through the world, not assuming we're better than everybody, but we're being curious and we're looking for ways we can love people instead of ways we can just move ourselves one inch above them.

Telling you, man, it's a different planet we live on. It's a different planet. Thanks for that, Kelly. Ben, thank you. Guys in the booth. Taylor, everybody. Grateful for you guys, and I'm grateful for you, America. Stay in school, don't do drugs. Bye.