Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show.

She's been talking to this guy the last week and a half after she told me a third time that she was breaking it off with him.

So for 14 years, you belittled your wife. She got the clear message she was beneath you. Five weeks ago, you decide it's all going to be different. You're pissed off. Dude, who do you think you are, man? What's up? This is John with Dr. John Deloney's show, talking about your relationships and your emotional health, whatever you got going on in your life. Your anxiety, depression, your OCD, that may be part of it. But also, how are your kids doing? How are you doing? How's your marriage? How's your dating life? How's your work relationships? Whatever you got going on in your life. Here's my promise. I'm going to sit with you. Real people going through real challenges. I'm going to sit with you and we're going to figure out what's the next thing we could do. What's the next right step in this world going sideways? I could already feel the tension starting to slowly, slowly ramp up with election season starting and all of the mess, the interest rates. Connect with people. Make sure you got connections. Make sure you got real human beings in your life. Get off the freaking social media. Get off, get off, get off, get off, get off.

Talk to your friends, talk to your friends, talk to your friends. If you don't have any friends, if you don't have anybody you can sit down with and just connect with, this show will be a distant second substitute for you. So glad that you've joined us and you've given us your most precious resource, your time. All right, let's roll out to Fort Wayne, Indiana, and talk to Z-A-C-H. Zatch. What's up, Zack?

Hey, how are you doing? Good, man.

How about you?

I've been better, of course.

Yeah, man. What's up?

Okay. I've been with my wife. We've been together since we were four, for 14 years. I'm 32. I met her when I was 19. We had a child at 20. I've always just been a butt head to her, to be honest. Every now and then, I would demean her or make little comments. I would say it started really getting bad about six weeks ago. We were doing some work in the yard, and I really just blew up on her over the stupidest little thing. Then about a week later, we're just arguing and dividing from each other. Then about a week or two later, she told me that she thought she was falling out of love with me, and it just really crushed me. I never would have thought that those words could come out of her mouth. She told me that the way I treat her is I'm not treating her the right way. I completely owned it. I mean, I said everything you said is absolutely correct. I said, I don't want my son, our son, growing up thinking that this is how you're supposed to treat women. I mean, since that day, I have treated her like an angel.

I've done everything and just constantly telling her I love her, giving her hugs, kisses. But that was a Saturday night. Then Monday night, she ended up telling me that she was in communication with a guy she met on TikTok, and she told me she broke it off with him, and I asked her what was the subject about. She said it was just somebody to talk to about what I'm going through, my mental health. She said it was never anything flirtatious or anything like that. She said it was just a stranger that I could talk to. But she said, I broke it off with him, and I'm going to focus on us. I said, I'm all in with you. Let's rebuild this. We went about two weeks, and it was just absolute honeymoon phase. I mean, we were just never... It was great. Then I went through her phone two weeks after that and found that she was on Snapchat with the guy, and I confronted her it. And she said, Okay, well, I didn't think you were really going to change, and I wanted to keep this friendship with the guy. And she said, I'll break it off with him.

And I'm like, Okay, I guess I'll give you a second chance. I'm heartbroken again that you would keep this from me. And then about a week and a half later, which was just yesterday, I went through the call logs on atnt. Com, which I feel bad because I'm constantly digging at all this. But every time I dig, I find something. I confronted her yesterday that she's been talking to this guy for 30, 40, 50 minutes a day the last week and a half after she told me a third time that she was breaking it off with him. I'm just super confused. I don't really know how to handle this. Now she's saying that she's all done talking to him. I'm like, Well, how do I trust you now? You've been lying to me for the past three weeks about this. That That's really all I got.

For 14 years, you belittled your wife. She got the clear message she was beneath you. You're the smart one. You're the fast one. You're the quick one. You are the provider. You're all this stuff.

I always thought she was beneath me. You did.

She's got that message for a decade and a half. Then five weeks ago, You decide it's all going to be different. Yeah. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Four weeks into this, you're pissed off that she's not just like, Oh, all right. Dude, you're belittling her again. Is she lying to you? Yes, no question about that. She's not on the phone to defend herself. Just you.

Okay.

Bro. As you were talking, here's the words that kept coming to my mouth, Dude, who do you think you are, man?

That's how I feel. No, I I feel like I'm two inches tall that I've treated her like this the last 14 years. I wish I could fast forward 14 years from now and show her that I can treat her well. I know.

But look, here's what you tried to do. You tried to fix this by doing things that you like doing or that you think that she would like. I'm going to buy her flowers and hug her and kiss her. Yeah. You didn't get down on both knees and say, My God, will you forgive me? How can I love you? When you decided to fix this thing by Showing her more affection and loving her, you did it how you wanted to do it, which is, again, belittling.

I pushed her away by being so close to her.

I can't believe she's put up with you for this long, man.

I can't either. I told her that. I said, I don't know why you're still with me after 14 years.

She's created a fantasy where somebody that she's never met, now she's talked to on the phone. Is she on a dangerous trajectory? No question about it. There's no question about that. But at least that guy will listen to her, right? At least that guy makes her feel alive again. That guy feels it makes her voice feel like it matters because her own husband, she doesn't.

Right. That guy asked her how her day at work went. Yeah, I never did that.

Yes, I get being hurt like, Oh, gosh, my wife's going to leave me. That can be a rattling moment. Or my has feelings for somebody else. By the way, just to say this at the outset, the phrase fall out of love is just nonsense. It's a dumb thing to say. You don't fall in love. You don't fall out of love. She stopped. She just threw her hands up because there was no connecting with you. You were too important and powerful and wonderful and great, and she was too stupid and dumb.

Yeah, and she never thought she could come and talk to me because my arrogance, I would just blow her off. Right.

Bro, if you want to save this sucker, it starts with you begging for forgiveness and saying, How can I love you? Let her speak into that. When you go, Well, I don't… You got to stop all that.

Okay, quit saying hi so much.

It's not even saying hi. What are you talking about saying hi?

I know, I. Oh, yes.

It's we. It's us. Okay. Because here's the deal. You felt You felt bad. You decided to change. You started doing new things. And nowhere do I hear, We decided to redesign our marriage. And so, again, all of the things you're doing to save this thing, you're continuing to leave her out bobbing in the middle ocean while you were sitting on the island.

Yeah.

Does that make sense? Bro, where does this arrogance, where does that come from, man? What are you scared of?

I don't know. I grew up, I mean, my dad married, remarried when I was about eight, and he was in a very toxic relationship with his now ex-wife again.

So is your wife. She's in a toxic relationship.

I know. Absolutely. I don't I just I never knew. And it's not an excuse. I was just never shown how to treat a woman and love her and just accept her for who she is and everything.

And don't just accept her, honor her, cherish her. Yeah. Like, You make up every day so excited that you get to provide for this amazing person who gave you children, who takes care of your home, right? It contributes to the house, contributes to the finances of the house, all that stuff. But do your friends, do you act like this with your buddies or at work, too? Is this the way you enter into the world, or do you just dump all this on your wife?

A little bit. I mean, I do have a level of arrogance at work, and I do feel entitled, and I don't know. I feel like it's all gone now, and I'm trying to not let it come back. I'm trying to be a better person. I am. It's hard. I'm going to my first therapy session at three o'clock today to talk to another therapist locally here. I'm doing everything I can.

I got you. For whatever reason, whatever went on at your house, whatever went on in high school and whatnot, you've developed this tough guy exterior. Man, it's going to cost you everything. This bravado- It's going to cost me my family. It's going to cost you everything, dude. Is that worth it? In an effort to not take imaginary punches, or more importantly, to punch first everywhere all the time. Do you have a big truck?

No, I don't. I have a company truck, but it's just a little truck. But she drives a Grand Cherokee, but it's bigger, I guess.

I was just fishing there. I was just seeing if you were going to complete the stereotype for me. No, you're good. All right, so here's the thing. I actually honor that. I get that you don't have a picture or a model of what this looks like. I also know what it's like to be trapped. I know this isn't working and this is hurting me and it's hurting everybody I love, and I don't know the next right step. Do you have some men in your life you could talk to?

Yeah, I've been going out. I've got a great buddy since middle school, and he's been keeping in touch and checking in with me every day.

Guys, that's not the right guy.

Okay.

I'm talking about a couple of men who are 10 years older than you. That you can say, I'm a complete ass to my wife, and I've got to stop. I'm going to lose my family, and I've got this built-up arrogance inside of me where I think I'm better than everybody, and I know I'm not, but I can't stop. Can you help me?

Yeah. There's a couple of guys at work I could talk to. They're a little older than me.

If you talk to them, can you be honest with them? Can you take them to lunch and say, I'm going to buy a lunch, but I got to be totally straight up honest with you. I'm not okay.

Oh, absolutely. Yeah, definitely. I have nothing to hide.

Here's going to be the scariest part. Actually, your situation, like people call with borderline personality disorder, all these different things. Your situation, I think, is one of the hardest things to heal from. Here's why. Because the way you interact with the world is to protect yourself from one thing, and that is ever, ever being vulnerable in a position where somebody can roll over on you. I don't know when that happened in your childhood, but it did, and it did bad.

Up with a big brother who was a tough guy, and everybody scared him, and he would beat everybody up. Nobody mess with him. I always thought I had to put that shield on as well.

That's right. That shield has made it impossible to be married to, and it's made it impossible for your kids to love and connect with their dad.

Yeah.

You know what they're going to have to do? They're going to have to go out in the world and be tough guys because they don't know how to feel because they've never hugged their dad for real. This whole cycle is going to start over. They came from your granddad to your dad to your brother, and it's just going to go through your family line unless you stop and turn and say, enough. The scariest part for you is the only path forward is risking getting hurt. I'm going to tell you, your wife may leave you. She You may take your kid and go because you've been awful to her for a decade and a half. I hope she doesn't. But I want you to see her. Yes, she's not being right. And yes, if she's on the phone, I'd be letting her have it, too, because that's not the way to solve this problem.

I didn't yell at her. I just asked her very calmly, Can you explain this? I can't argue with her anymore. Sure.

But even explain. Explain what? That I haven't felt safe in my own home for a decade and a half that I've never felt loved. I've just felt like a child in my own home. I know what you're saying. This guy actually asked me how my day went, for God's sakes.

Yeah, I own all of it. I do. It's so hard for me to admit it.

I know. I know it is. I know it is. You are bucking family tradition right now in this call, and I honor you for that. But ownership has two parts to it. One is choosing reality, admitting it, and the second part of ownership is to go do differently.

Okay.

You got to act differently.

Yeah.

You got to say, I don't know. Here's what I would love for you to do. How many kids you got?

Just one boy, 12 years old.

Awesome. Here's your homework for this week. I want you to ask your wife, Would you go to a nice dinner with just us? I have some things I want to tell you.

Okay.

Then if she says yes, say, We're not going to talk about the other person. We're not going to talk about any of that stuff. I just need to talk to you about some things. If she says yes, I want you to spend some time alone writing a letter that you're going to read to her.

Okay.

That letter is going to start with, Love of my life, I'm so sorry.

Okay.

Then if you want to work through, I didn't have a picture of what treating a woman looked like, and I have done it all wrong for 15 years.

Yeah, I sent her a text like that about two weeks ago.

Text messages, bull crap on a stick with a pony, lit on fire. Text messages, my 14-year-old son talks to his friends in text messages. That's not it. You have to look at her and say these words, okay? Okay. You have to feel that discomfort. That's vulnerability. She might look at you and go, I'm done. And vulnerable means I'm risking looking at somebody and saying, This is all of me. Do you still love me? That's what you're going to be doing, and that's terrifying for you.

Yeah. She told me she wants to work it out, that she sees me making changes, and she wants to make this work.

But I want you to tell her in that letter, I immediately tried to solve me my 15 years of being an ass to you by doing a bunch of stuff that I thought, and I never bothered to ask you. She's probably going to look at you and say, I don't even know what I need. I don't even know what I want. I just know I can't do this anymore. I bought her flowers.

Do what? I bought her flowers a week ago, and she was mad at me because she was like, You've never bought me flowers. You're trying too hard. I was like, You're absolutely correct.

Just ask her.

I was like, I feel bad.

Ask her, How can I love you today? Start that way and tell her. I'm going to start asking you Every morning and every morning and every evening, How can I love you today?

Okay. Can I ask a question?

Go for it.

How do I... I'm afraid of investing all this, and then I find out that she is still communicating with this guy. I feel like there's some trust gone that I take responsibility for. I know I caused this, but I'm having a hard time, too, starting to trust her and rebuild this once again.

After you have told her that you're going to begin asking her every day how you can love her better, it's fair to say, I can't breathe knowing that some other person is your go-to. Okay. See, what you're doing The thing is, you're starting with the word I. You're not saying, You can't do this, and you need to get off the... I can't breathe knowing I've put you in a position where you have to go to somebody else just to get the words, How was your day?

I've put you in a position to have nobody to talk about what's going on during your day because I just come home and I'm a Bulldog in my own house.

Now, is this 100% you? No. But this is just... I'm going to take all... If you've ever watched Jocko's original TED Talk, all these things went bad. He was the guy in charge, and he said, It's on me. And you, for 15 years, have said, I'm the head honcho. All right, well, then own it all then. Is that fair? No, it's not fair, but let's just take it all. Then at the very end, you can say, I can't move forward without a commitment to you that we've got no outside people speaking to this. It's just going to be you and it's just going to be me. I think it's fair to say, I'm not going to sneak around and go through your crap anymore. I don't want to live like that.

Okay.

Okay. And also, as you get two, three, five weeks into this, two months into this, six months into this, It's fair to say, Hey, I want to circle back. How am I doing? Are you feeling loved? And she's going to uncover different ways, right? This thing's got 15 years of the layers on top of it. And she met you really young, and she got a kid right out of the gate. She She doesn't even know what she doesn't know.

Yeah.

She's never felt safe and fully wrapped up in love with somebody who's like, My mission in life is to make sure you're whole. She's never experienced that. All this is going to be new.

She never felt whole.

No. All this is going to be new. And so it's fair to say, Are you communicating with that guy? And this is after you get some rapport, you start building some trust back. And then if you feel that anchoring in your soul, you can say, Would you be willing to show me your text messages? Or your whatever? Okay? That's not for right now. It's not for right now. No, no, no.

Yeah.

Is that fair?

Yeah, I'll wait six weeks. Okay.

I'm proud of you.

Thank you. It's hard.

Dude, I know it's hard. You're changing your entire family tree right now.

You're changing it all. Yeah, I'm changing my whole personality. I am.

Yes. Sometimes changing that personality means we have to change all of our actions. Do something ridiculous, like wake up early, go get a cold plunge or get some ice, take a cold shower in the morning, start You're exercising in the morning.

I have been, yeah. I've been eating way better. I've been drinking a lot more water. I've been going for a walk. Good.

You have to start doing different things if you want different results. That's right. Change it all. Change the whole thing up, man. When you find yourself, you're going to get angry, you're going to lose a job, you're going to miss a sale, something's going to happen, and you're going to find old you coming out, swinging. You have to be willing to say, here he is, here he is, here he is. I'm going to go for a walk. I need to step out. I need to do dinner by myself tonight. I love you with all I got, and I got to go do something else. This is going to be a long term practice. You have to unwind 30 years of you not liking yourself and taking it out on other people. Proud of you for all the steps you're making, man. Be in this for the long haul. You're worth it, she's worth it, and that 12-year-old boy is worth it, too. His kids are going to be so grateful that granddad put a stick in the rock and said, No more, No more. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by Better Health.

All right, here we are. We're almost halfway done with the year. Can you believe that? 2024 is flying by. Let me ask you something, what's something you're really proud of so far this year? What's something you're still hoping you can change direction on? Is there something that's haunting you? Not including the presidential election that's coming up, but something that's just hanging on that you need help in overcoming. As we get older, life picks up steam and it moves so, so fast. It's so important to take a moment to celebrate your wins, and it's also important to stop midstream and make adjustments for the rest of the year. Therapy can be a place where you can take stock of your progress and set achievable goals for the next six months and beyond. Therapy is a safe, effective place to get things off your chest, to learn how to say scary things out loud, and to figure out how to work through whatever has been weighing you down, especially the first part of this year. I have been personally blessed to have a great therapist who I can talk to and who helps me work through things, analyze what's going on in the past, and create a plan for how to get better in the future.

If you're thinking of starting therapy Beterhelp, give better help a try. It's totally online, it's totally convenient, and it's flexible, and it's suited to fit your schedule. You just fill out a brief questionnaire, you get matched with a licensed therapist. You can switch therapists at any time. It doesn't cost you any money. If you're ready to take a moment and be super intentional for the rest of 2024, call Betterhelp. Visit betterhelp. Com/delonie today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P. Com/delonie. All right, let's go out to Richmond, Virginia, and talk to Stephanie. Hey, Stephanie, what's up?

Good morning, Dr. Delonie. Thank you for taking my call.

Of course. What's going on in your world?

My question boils down to, how can I help my mom realize that my brother deserves a better life?

You can't. What's the story? What's the story?

My younger brother is approaching his… He's now in his late 20s. He has never had a job, has lived at home his whole life, and he does have Asperger's. But my mother encourages and enables his inaction. And so anytime I bring it up saying, Hey, Here's some ways that you might be able to do stuff, because he stated multiple times that his goal is to have independence, but he refuses to take action. And my mother enables and encourages, like I said, his inaction to meet his goal.

How old is he?

He is 28, or he's 27, about to turn 28.

I can't tell you how often I've run across this over the course of my career, where parents actually, over time, get their self-worth by taking care of their kid, and when the greatest way to take care of your kid would be to let him go or to let him expand their world.

That is 100%. I even wrote that down whenever I was just thinking about all of this.

Parents lose their identity, and they can't let it go. Yeah. Yeah. Golly, man. Then the kid is the one who suffers, right? Because at some point, your mom won't be here and your brother will be 45 years old with- Yeah. Yeah.

My greatest fear is that whenever she passes, that he will follow quickly behind at his own Jeez, man.

I'm assuming you've sat down and had this hard conversation before. How'd that go?

We have had that conversation, and he shut down on it. My mom did proceed to actually get a will in place, and so we have a trust set up for him because with everything for him, he's got lots of legal stuff going on in terms of benefits and stuff. We did proceed. I did to force her to fill out a will. That's whenever my brother started saying, I want independence. I want to live on my own. I want to do all of this grown-up stuff because he is an adult. Yet, anytime it's brought up now, the statement is, I'll think about it.

Depending on how high functioning he is, anything he does is going to be a slight to his mom. He's going to feel disloyal. Yes. If he goes and gets a job, he's going to feel like he is being disloyal to mom. If he goes and moves in his own apartment, mom's going to say things like, I can't do this without you. What's going to happen to my baby? Depending on how he is, and again, that's such a wide spectrum, but depending on how he is internalizing those social situations, it feels like someone's lighting a fire inside of his chest.

Yeah. Unless you know him, he's just a little quirky. He's socially awkward.

I am, too.

Exactly. It's like, I'm socially awkward. He just takes it to a whole new level. Sure.

Yeah. But he would be in your... You've known him for 30 years. In your estimation, he could go get a job, he could live on his own, he could have a fun life.

Oh, yeah. I haven't sent it over to him, but I even put together a spreadsheet on how he can learn the different things, take care of a and learn it slowly so he can learn it over time and help him proceed with gaining that independence. But I haven't sent it over because I'm not sure if that's overstepping or not.

What does a meltdown in his world look like?

He goes catatonic. He just shuts down, doesn't talk, just stares off into the distance.

Okay. So he doesn't engage in self-harm or he doesn't destroy things or get overwhelmed? No. Okay. Just goes to Okay. Here's my opinion on this. You all are all adults, so I don't know there's an overstep here. Just know that whatever step you take may cost you something. I'm of the opinion- I'm prepared for that for him. I would be ready. I don't want there to be a conversation left unsaid if something goes sideways. Okay. I want to know that I opened up my house and said, Hey, you come live with me in transition over the next five months from here to a full working adult, and I'll help you get an apartment. Or, Hey, Mom, you have to give him a deadline. I don't have to do anything. Like, whatever. She doesn't, by the way.

Yeah.

But be able to say, I think what you're doing is abusive. I think what you're doing is cruel. It's cruel.

Yeah.

She can say, get out, never talk to me again. At this point, maybe at 15, I wouldn't say anything, right? Because you're just a kid living under somebody else's on this roof. But at your age, at his age, I'm going to have direct conversations with adults, and hopefully, they can handle it like adults. Then he's going to need a ton of grace, man. This whole thing is going to be new to him. He said 10 years of his adult life stolen from him.

Yeah. Does he have a degree? Those are the exact words that I've had in my head.

Does he have a college degree?

Oh, no. He went to a semester and failed out because he didn't want to do the homework. Okay.

Does he have any ABA resources? Is he working with somebody in a local community?

Yes. He has an aid, and they're supposed to be teaching him how to do stuff around the house and gain that independence that he's looking for, but I have seen no action in many years. Okay. Yeah.

I don't see any major thing happening unless your mom kicks him out.

Okay.

You and I both know that's probably not to happen.

Yeah.

He is not going to suddenly... I mean, it would be strange for him to suddenly see the light and just move out and become autonomous.

Yeah.

Does he love you? Does he respect you?

He and I have our difficulties, but yes.

I mean, are you in a position that he could come stay with you for a few months while he transitioned from mom's house to the real world?

Possibly. I live across the country, so it would be taking him out a pretty big comfort zone.

Yeah. I wonder even if that offer. If you sent him... Again, I know there's a wide range of functioning here, so I may be under or over selling things. But I wonder what a Let's say he is in, I don't know, California and you're in Richmond. It'd be pretty cool to mail him a box with a book on Richmond, a fiction book on Richmond, a map of Richmond. I don't know what he's into, but a way that he could begin to wrap his head around this mystical place on the other side of the planet. For someone who doesn't go anywhere, who doesn't do anything and lives probably a pretty isolated social media internet life, you can begin to visualize yourself in different spaces in a way that others might be able to pick up a little bit quicker. Maybe nonsense, maybe total nonsense. I'm just trying to think of a way to flip the switch where you would have some seat at the table here, but it's going to cost, like I said, it's going to cost you your own, man, four months of, right?

Yeah.

Maybe that's not possible.

For him, yeah, I'm willing to do it. Might take a little convincing on my husband's side, but I can work on that.

Some folks shut down as they begin to feel a little bit more independence and responsibility. Others begin to... They'll smile. They like They've never had it, and it feels good. It's like doing a workout for the first time. You're like, Oh, man, I'm stronger than I thought. This feels good. I can't wait to get in here tomorrow. The next day, you're sore. It's just going to be a walkthrough. But I'm totally in your camp. I just can't sleep anymore. We're not having hard conversations with people that I love and care about, especially when somebody's been cruel. I don't say this lightly, but your mom's stolen a decade of his life by coddling and overprotecting. I know that because I've worked at multiple universities. I've I worked at law school. I was a doctoral professor. I've met with students who are diagnosed as high functioning autistic, and they're amazing. They're amazing how they solve problems and get through the program. Does it take some extra support services? Of course it does. Are they people I would hire? Yes. I've also seen lower functioning or even inaudible autistic kids, college students, so they're grownups, do amazing things like in theater programs and other educational output.

The name of the game is early, and the name of the game is resources and support, and the name of the game is scaffolding. I'll walk with you, but I can't hold this thing up. I believe in you and I trust in you. Unfortunately, Unfortunately for your brother, he hadn't got that. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry, man. I'm sorry for him. I'm sorry for you. I'm sorry for your mom. I mean, that's just tough. But yeah, I'm with you. Don't leave any conversation unspoken while also knowing your mom may cut you off, your brother may cut you off. You may lose a lot. If it's worth it that you can sleep at night, then I say more power to you. Thanks for the call, Stephanie. Appreciate you. We'll be right back. All right, here we are heading into the season of chaos, summer, driving, bored kids, travel plans, camps, extra yard work every weekend, travel sports, travel sports, and travel sports, and so much more going on. It's important right now that you make concrete plans to keep doing the things you normally do to keep you spiritually plugged in, well, and whole. For me, and hopefully for you, Hallow will continue to be my go-to guide for prayer and relationships to God, especially as things get bonkers.

Hallow is the app that's easy to download, and it has daily prayers, lecture series, meditations, music, stories, night time sleep programs, and more. In this summer, they've even added some radio stations for those long family drives, and added spiritual classic audiobooks for fellow nerds like me who like to drive or mow or clean and read a book at the same time. In this June, Hallow is launching their summer Bible study on the Gospel of John, and you can join biblical scholar Jeff Cavens and Jonathan Rumi, who portrays Jesus and the chosen in this transformative Bible study. Look, because you're a Deloney show listener, you can try out Hallowe for three months for free. That's basically the whole summer, so why not give it a shot? Go to Hallow. Com/deloney today for three free months. That's Hallow, H-A-L-L-O-W. Com/delonie. All right, let's roll out to Toledo, Ohio, and talk to Jake. What's up, Jake?

Not much, Dr. John. What's up with you?

Pardon, man. What's happening?

All right, so I'm just going to get right into it. The last several months, I've really been considering moving out of state. The reason I'm calling is I have three nieces that I'm very close to, I love very much. I see them almost every day. I'm on FaceTime with them every single day, usually multiple times a day. When I think about moving, I I'm not going to do it, but I just feel this immense guilt at the thought of leaving these girls when I'm such a big part of their life. I guess my question is, am I being selfish for moving out of state and leaving those girls behind? Also, will it have any long term negative impact on them?

Man, they're lucky to have you. Thank you. You're like the best uncle ever, huh?

I love him very much.

Do you get to Well, I could just go down a rabbit hole. I love great uncles and aunts. I feel like they just get licensed to just be bananas, and I love it. I love it, man.

That's what I do.

My sister, sometimes she like, Uncle Jakey, why are you teaching them that? I'm like, If you It's my job. It's fine. That's your job. I told all my nieces like, Hey, when the time comes for tattoos, I'm buying, and I'll go with you. So yes, good for you. All right. The ultimate answer to your question is your nieces will be fine. Even if you moved to Beijing tomorrow, you would still stay connected to them. You'd still FaceTime them. You'd still write them letters. You would be less present, but They're going to be fine. They've got good moms and dads, I'm assuming. They got good parents? Yes. Great. They're going to be fine. Are they going to miss you? Like all get out? Of course they are. You're an amazing uncle. My fear is that you have talked yourself into a circle here because you want to go explore and see the world, and you've talked yourself into a loop, and suddenly you not going. They're becoming either the reason you can't go, which you're blaming them, or they're going to be the reason you can't go. So I don't want them to have that responsibility.

I want you just to be... How old are you? 28. Yeah, dude. I want you to be 28 and just say, I'm a 28. I'm a grown up. I can do whatever I want.

I know. And that's how I feel. Like I said, 28, single, debt-free. If there's a time to make a big move, this is it. I don't feel like it could get any more perfect.

It was probably five years ago. But yeah, go. Where do you want to go? Where do you want to go?

Yeah. Austin, Texas.

The other half of the known universe is going to Austin. Dude, it's a great place to be. It's a fun place to be. It's chaotic. There's great music. There's out of this world of food. There's all kinds of randos, fun people to meet, brilliant people. Yeah, totally.

With everything that's going on down there, and there's so many more opportunities to go experience different things. I've lived in the same small town my whole life. I've never lived anywhere different. I've never lived away from my family. I just want that freedom. I want to be able to do something on my own. I do feel bad for leaving the girls. My sister, which this isn't a bad thing. I know she's just concerned, but you're one of their favorite people. You're one of their most important people.

I know, but You're probably also a free babysitter, too, aren't you?

I do help out.

I'm quite a. Yeah, you do. You give her, your sister, who's probably amazing, an excuse to not dig in and get deeper friendships, to get more connected, to get on that app where you interview babysitters. Because we got Uncle Jake. We always got Uncle Jake. You've probably heard me say this a lot. I always want people to choose guilt over resentment. If you don't go, Now, by the way, back up, what do you do for a living?

I'm a realtor.

Okay. So you're going to get your Texas license and just start slinging houses?

That's the plan.

All right. Great timing for realtors right now, right? Jeez, Louise. Yeah. So I would make a plan to go, and then I would give myself 24 months. If I haven't made a sale in 24 months in two years, and I've burned through everything I got. That market's hot, but the real estate, the realtors are hot there, too. Everybody's cooking. I'm going to go down there and give it a shot. I got 24 months, just like I'm getting a graduate degree. When it's over, I can go back to Toledo with my head held high. I went and experienced something cool. It was fun. And now I'm going to go be with my family. Or you find your gang, you find your tribe, you get plugged in, and you start doing great work. I mean, the whole thing sounds awesome. I don't want you to end up 45, still in the same small wishing and wondering what it would have been like, and you to slowly resent those nieces of yours. I couldn't leave because of you all. I couldn't do it because of you all. But they can't carry that burden. It's not theirs to carry.

I think it'd be fun to go, man. And by the way, I'm also becoming more and more... I don't have a very clean way to say this. It's still in the thought, jumbled thought process in my brain. But I've been reading a lot on the history of families, in the history of marriages, in the history of how people did life. For all of human history, we've grown up with a whole bunch of cousins and aunts and uncles and Wackadoos and regulars and just strays in our homes. This idea that we just do life all by ourselves and we pack up it. I want you to know there's going to be a season of loneliness that you're going to have to work really hard to overcome. Yeah. Okay? Because all the things that make Toledo, Ohio, this small town, suffocate you, is also the thing that pumps oxygen into your blood. You know who to call, you know how things work, you know the culture, you know the language, you know how everything works, and you're going to go to a totally new environment. So your first thing, you're going to get a place to live.

The second thing you do before you start hitting all the Mexican food spots, the second thing you do, you're going to find a gang, you're going to find a tribe, you're going to find a group of people to plug into and to get close with. That's going to be the way to go. I'm proud of you, dude. I'm proud of you. I'm proud of you. I'm proud of you. Let's also say this, if you get on for six months and it's awful, you make no sale, you've got no friends, go back. Break your lease for a couple of grand and go back to Toledo. You're not in the past fail game. You're in the life experience game. You can go experience something. If people in Toledo are like, Oh, we knew it. You'd be back. Yeah, I love you guys. Cool. You all want an award or something? You didn't fail anything. You didn't fail anything. You went and saw some cool stuff. And so even if it's 28, you don't owe anybody anything in the world. You have a relatively transferable professional position. Just take a six-month hiatus. Go do it right now. Go have fun before life's responsibilities get heavier in other places.

But I'm all for it, dude. And I think you honor those little girls. You write them letters every week or every other week. Facetime every few days. You're not going to be as disconnected as you think you are, even though you won't be there in person, and you're always going to be one flight away. Or from Austin to Toledo, maybe seven flights and four hours of driving living. But, dude, I'm proud of you. They are lucky to have Uncle Jay in their life. It's amazing. Go get them, dude. We'll be right back. What up? You have heard me talk about my favorite event in the world, Money and Marriage Getaway with me and Rachel Cruz. Here in Nashville, we love it, you love it, and I've got some news. This fall's event just sold out. The one we do every year in October is gone. But I've Got you. Rachel's got you. We've got you. We've decided to add another money in marriage getaway. This time, Valentine's 2025. Same incredible location here in Nashville, same real honest teaching, and of course, tons of live Q&A sessions with me and Rachel Cruz and other special guests.

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All right, this is from Ashley in Austin. She says, Am I the problem? Or rather, Is my husband the problem?

Or rather. Yes.

This was a little convoluted.

That's a good Taylor Swift cut like, No, you're the problem. It's you. That'd be a great part, too. It's not me. It's you.

All right. We do not like my sister's boyfriend. There's a lot to this, but the main points are, he doesn't fight for his daughters the way a father should. He allows them to be in harm's way at their mother's house and refuses to fight for custody. She hasn't given any reason for this, so there we go. He has cheated at least once on my sister, and my sister isn't confident that it won't happen again. When they argue he's extremely disrespectful, he says mean things just to win, and he gaslights her. I told my sister that I do not support her relationship, but I always will be there for her. Next year, we're planning a family vacation at my father-in-law's vacation home to celebrate my parents' wedding anniversary. My husband has stated that because it's his family's home, he can set the boundaries and that my sister's boyfriend is not welcome. I honestly don't know if my sister would come or not if we said that he wasn't welcome. Is my husband being a child or is that a fair boundary for him to set?

I think I live by the idea that anybody can create any boundary that they would like to create. The ripple effects happen as ripple effects happen. But, I mean, just listening, I don't want that idiot in my house. I probably would allow it because I tend to lean towards peace. But what I don't allow is those behaviors in my house. I'd probably let him come. I might even call him or have a face-to-face conversation and say, I appreciate the way you talk to kids. That's not going to happen in this house at this time. You can come. We'd love to have you. But anytime this happens, you're out. I want everyone to be on the same page. Then he gets to opt in or out, too. That's probably how I'd handle that. I just don't do well with people I don't do well with people disrespecting women, and I just don't. I don't do well with disrespect. I just think it's stupid. It's ugly. That's probably how I'd handle that. But no, the thing I wanted to say, that guy can't come to my house. He's not coming to my house. He can do whatever he wants.

It might cost him. Maybe her sister's not going to show up. Okay, her sister gets to decide that. What do you think?

I think you're right because I think that... I mean, he hasn't done anything like He's not starting fights or he's not been a jerk to them. There's also a lot of... My only thing I question is a lot of like, Well, I heard this from her that he's done this. It makes you wonder. But I would probably do the same thing. I would probably say, of course, he can come because their relationship is between them, assuming he's not hurting people, not hurting his daughters, who knows the real situation. But maybe a conversation would be a good idea. But he does get to set the boundaries. But again, you got to deal with the consequences.

Comes with the consequences. I have no problem. I've had to do this over the years, step out and just be like, Hey, we're not... You can't say that in here. You can't say that here. It's not funny here. Everybody cool? I'd say, Yeah, it's cool. I've never had somebody be like, Are you kidding me? Because this is my house. If I'm at somebody's house and that's going on, I can leave. I say, Hey, it's time for us to bounce. I think it's just taking ownership, but that's what I would do. That's what I would do. Are you the problem? I don't think there's a problem here. I think it's just somebody needs to set a boundary and then just deal with the consequences of it. And hold. Hey, thank you all so much for being with us today. Be nice to each other. Set good boundaries. But also don't be aoofball about it. And tip somebody outrageously today. Just tip the waitress or the waiter insanely, insanely. Put some light out into the world. Love you guys. Bye.