Today we're talking about how to sound more assertive, that feeling of being honest and direct, but at the same time, respecting the other person. What does it sound like and how can you do it right away? Welcome to the Jefferson Fisher podcast, where I'm on a mission to make your next conversation the one that changes everything. If you enjoy learning tools to improve your communication, I'm going to ask you to subscribe to this channel and please leave a review. If you have any topic suggestions, just throw them in the comments. When When you need to sound more assertive, here's what I want you to do. Number one, stop over apologizing. This is where you say, I'm sorry, so sorry, in every single sentence. I know it's a tick, I know it's a habit, but you got to stop, and I'm going to explain why. Number two, stop undervaluing what you have to say. That's when you downgrade your comment before you even get it out. Again, this is hurting your confidence, and we're going to dive into it. Number three, get comfortable with the word No. Get comfortable disappointing people. No is a complete sentence.

I want you to think back to a conversation where you wish you would have sounded a little bit more assertive. Maybe it was at home with a partner or a spouse. Maybe it was at work with a coworker or a boss. A time where you wanted to be honest, you wanted to be direct, but you just couldn't find the words. Think back to that conversation in your mind and wonder, what could I have said differently? Here's what I need to tell you right out of the gate. If you don't find your assertive voice, you will be walked over. It will affect your confidence, and it will affect the trajectory of your life. It sounds harsh, but it's very true. Now, in my life, where I found that I struggled with assertiveness the most was anytime I was new somewhere. Maybe it was a new school or a new law firm, and I felt like I was crawling into it. I I found myself being deferential to anybody and everything, even at the sake of my own well-being and my own boundaries. But what do you do? You're new. You feel like you have to do it.

Well, that's not exactly true. When you find that assertiveness a voice and you're able to say what you want to say and do it respectfully, it will change your life. I mean for the better, because people will take notice, your reputation will change, your credibility will change, and man, that's the good stuff. I'm going to throw out some scenarios to you, and you let me know if any of them ring a bell. You walk in one minute late to a meeting, and the first thing out of your mouth is, Hey, so sorry, I'm late, when you throw all of your stuff down. Or it took you two days to respond to somebody's email, and the first word and your response back is, So sorry. So sorry, I just saw this. Sorry, I am just now getting back to you. Or you're trying to get somebody's attention, and the first thing out of your mouth is, So sorry. Hey, so sorry, two seconds. Hey, so sorry, I just I need to talk to you for a second. You got to stop. Listen to me. You have to stop. Those aren't apologies. If they are, well, then you're just apologizing for all the wrong things.

You're apologizing for your existence. You're apologizing for your time, and you're apologizing for your priorities. These aren't real apologies. You're finding ways to feel like you're an inconvenience to someone. But let me tell you, your worth is far more than just trying to feel that you're not an inconvenience to someone, that you always have to prove that you're not an inconvenience. We're going to fix that. The way to do it is instead of saying, I'm sorry, you're going to say, Thank you. It's as simple as that. Instead of saying, I'm sorry, we're going to use words of gratitude, like I appreciate, or thank you. If you come in walking into that meeting and you're 30 seconds late, you're one minute late, nobody is expecting an apology for that. Now, if you're five minutes late, I think it's absolutely the right thing to apologize because at that point, you're wasting their time. But if you're just a few minutes late, if you're barely over the line, it's okay to say, Thank you for your patience. Thanks for waiting on me. I appreciate your time. That is assertive. Or if it's in the context of you sending an email to somebody.

Instead of feeling like you need to say, Hey, so sorry, I'm just getting back to this. Just respond, I appreciate your time. Thanks for your understanding. Thank you for your patience. These are all things that they're going to say, Oh, yeah, you're welcome. I do have patience. I do have understanding. Instead of you going, Hey, so sorry, making you feel less in that way. Instead, you're being assertive with it. You're standing in your presence and saying, Yeah, I had other things to do. I appreciate your patience, though. In the context of the conversation of telling someone, Hey, so sorry, can I have five seconds? You just erase it. Or you say, Hey, when you get a moment, I'd appreciate some of your time. Or, I'd appreciate some of your time when you get a moment. When you use words of gratitude, it is a cycle of saying, I am showing gratitude for your time. At the same time, they are appreciating your presence in the conversation rather than you always apologizing for it. Now, a separate but related topic to over apologizing is number two, downplaying your words. Here you are cutting down what you have to say before you even get it out, and you know what these sound like.

For example, I hate to bother you, but... I mean, this might be a dumb question, but You know probably better than me, but these are all ways of chopping down what you have to say before you get it out. What's worse is it makes it look like you have an insecurity when there may not be one. For example, when you say something like, Well, I hate to bother you, but I have this question on X, Y, and Z. Well, before they actually answer the question, you have to have this mini conversation about whether or not what you have to say does or does not bother them. And nine times out of 10, 99% of the time, they're going to say, Oh, you're not bothering me. You're fine. And you go, Oh, okay, great. You're inserting something that's totally needless into the conversation. I know why you're using these phrases. I and know why you're using it. Because you want to sound deferential, you want to sound like you're coming in from a low angle, a low perspective rather than a high angle, as if you already know everything, you expect them to want to talk to you.

So when you say, I'm sorry to bother you, you're trying to sound less harsh in the conversation, but you don't sound that don't believe in what you're going to say. And I have a trick that I use with my own clients that I know is going to help you. I want you to imagine, Ashley, that you are an attorney. You have a suit on, we're in a courtroom, and it's full, and you need to speak on behalf of your client.And your client is you. It's a duplicate of you. It looks just like you, sounds just like you, wears exactly what you're wearing right now, and your client sitting down in the chair. You're the attorney, you're in a full suit, and you're standing up in front of everyone, and you have to speak on behalf of your client. And what are you going to say? You're going to say, My client needs to feel understood. My client isn't going to accept that. You're going to feel much more justified, assertive. You have to stand in that place of what your client needs and wants because you understand them. Well, instead of saying, My client, Ashley, I want you to tweak it and just say, I. Instead of saying, I could be wrong, but say, I need to know what's going on in this conversation. I need to feel understood. I need X, Y, and Z to say, I need, instead of my client needs. It's going to make you feel like you have a brand new personality. Now you can see where you always say, I could be wrong, but instead of just getting rid of that and saying, I need to make sure that I feel understood before we end this conversation.You see how more assertive that makes you sound? If you can do that, it's going to help your mindset the next time you find yourself in that situation. The thing to know about sounding more assertive is that it helps you feel more confident. The more confident you feel, the more assertive you're going to sound. It is a positive feedback loop. It really can change everything because how you sound to somebody can change later, let's say, at the workplace of who gets chosen for what, who gets promoted, who gets demoted, who's reputation is a certain way, how you get known, what your credibility is because you say what you mean and mean what you say, how How you say it and what you say is everything. When you use an assertive voice, it's going to make sure that more success and more positive things happen in your life. If you want to support this podcast and improve your communication, I'm going to ask you to please subscribe to this channel on YouTube or follow the podcast on Spotify, Apple, or wherever you get your podcasts. Thank you for listening to the Jefferson Fisher podcast. And as always, try that or follow me.

don't believe in what you're going to say. And I have a trick that I use with my own clients that I know is going to help you. I want you to imagine, Ashley, that you are an attorney. You have a suit on, we're in a courtroom, and it's full, and you need to speak on behalf of your client.

And your client is you. It's a duplicate of you. It looks just like you, sounds just like you, wears exactly what you're wearing right now, and your client sitting down in the chair. You're the attorney, you're in a full suit, and you're standing up in front of everyone, and you have to speak on behalf of your client. And what are you going to say? You're going to say, My client needs to feel understood. My client isn't going to accept that. You're going to feel much more justified, assertive. You have to stand in that place of what your client needs and wants because you understand them. Well, instead of saying, My client, Ashley, I want you to tweak it and just say, I. Instead of saying, I could be wrong, but say, I need to know what's going on in this conversation. I need to feel understood. I need X, Y, and Z to say, I need, instead of my client needs. It's going to make you feel like you have a brand new personality. Now you can see where you always say, I could be wrong, but instead of just getting rid of that and saying, I need to make sure that I feel understood before we end this conversation.

You see how more assertive that makes you sound? If you can do that, it's going to help your mindset the next time you find yourself in that situation. The thing to know about sounding more assertive is that it helps you feel more confident. The more confident you feel, the more assertive you're going to sound. It is a positive feedback loop. It really can change everything because how you sound to somebody can change later, let's say, at the workplace of who gets chosen for what, who gets promoted, who gets demoted, who's reputation is a certain way, how you get known, what your credibility is because you say what you mean and mean what you say, how How you say it and what you say is everything. When you use an assertive voice, it's going to make sure that more success and more positive things happen in your life. If you want to support this podcast and improve your communication, I'm going to ask you to please subscribe to this channel on YouTube or follow the podcast on Spotify, Apple, or wherever you get your podcasts. Thank you for listening to the Jefferson Fisher podcast. And as always, try that or follow me.