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I never know what's going on with you. If this is like an act or if this is part of the fun of being Chrissy d. I mean, no.

Well, Chrissy D was all fun and games.

Was. Was third person.

Now we're coming into a part. Two major things have happened here, okay? One, I've re found my love for Christ, and I'm back believing. I'm back being Catholic. I'm back in nice. Got 2ft in Catholicism. We're back, baby. And then the other thing is, I made, six months ago, I had this beautiful house, Staten island, right? Everything we wanted. Sold the house because I was having anxiety about doing a show at Radio City. Swear to God, my brain couldn't process it that way. But through therapy, the therapist figured out, and it's right, because I checked on this with my girlfriend, and she was like, that's exactly what you did. God was very nervous about Radio City. Didn't know where to put that energy because he's a big show. I'm a New York guy. Biggest weekend of my life. So I said about two weeks before Radio city came home and said, we're putting up the house for sale. I want to be able to walk to a bagel store. We can't walk to a bagel store at this house on Staten Island. I need that for my creative process. And my girl was like, what are you doing?

We just renovated our kitchen. You just poured money into. This is our home. I was like, I can't walk to a bagel store and it's gonna fuck my comedy up. It will. Yeah. And then, you know, and then people, if you knew my address back then, you would know that there's a bagel, was a bagel store 0.9 miles away that I didn't know about. But.

But you had a dream house.

I had a dream house that I, that we put to our liking. And I said I couldn't, didn't understand it. Then I said, we're selling the house. And I convinced my family, because that's what we can do, right, as comics. I convinced them. I had them buy this story, convince my girl, my family, what's going to be better for us is to sell this five bedroom house. Here's what we, here's the move. We're going to sell this five bedroom house for about $300,000 under asking price. We're going to get out of this puppy to sell that we're going to move to Queens where we can walk to stuff and bagel stores and be in civilization. We're going to temporarily live in a two bedroom apartment, and then we're eventually going to move into a condo. And life's going to be better because, you know, we won't have to. I won't have to care for these grounds anymore. I won't have to throw out the garbage. We'll be safe in an apartment. People can't come in the back window of our home, and this will be the move. And I did that. And then the apartment that we had lined up fell through.

We left the apartment we were living in because it had roaches. Jasmine almost left me. She was almost like, I can't be a part of your chaos and self sabotage anymore. And I had to kind of really just say, what the hell did I just do? Figure this problem out. Went back into therapy, turned back into religion, starting to find some answers. And now we're living in a home that we're renting, that we like, and we're kind of settling in, but that I learned the valuable. I learned the lesson of self sabotage the hard way, the hardest. It's weird what's going on in my career right now. Selling the most tickets I ever had, financially, the best I've ever done. Getting all these opportunities was the worst version. Was the worst version of me as a human being. Not because I was just self sabotaging after self sabotaging, and I couldn't, didn't know why.

Do you have friends that you could talk to about this stuff?

Yeah, but they're, you know, not. They call me gay. You know what I mean? Like, they're old school New York guys that are like, I don't fucking know, dude, get a therapist. And I'm like, well, yeah, what I had to do, I really felt like nobody could really help me with this. I was like, I gotta just turn to professional therapist. And then I go into. And then I turn to. Back to going to church. And I was like, well, at least I have, like, if anything, for me, church is just an hour a week to just meditate and sit there. And I have nothing. I have no thoughts. I have no technology. I'm like, it's just me and whoever I think God is. That's how I feel about it. But that chaos stuff. Cause people always chrissy chaos. I was actually living in it and I was like, okay, now what I've done, now I've hurt my family, now I've done a thing. That's not funny now, I've taken things from my kids because I thought my kids would be like, oh, yeah, dad. Like. Like my eight year old. We had that, you know, this moment that kids are just kids.

I'm like, telling her, I'm like, isn't this great, baby? Like, we can walk to the bagel store now. We can go to the park. We're not, like, living off the side of a highway. And she was like, well, I love that we had a pool. And I was like, yeah, but isn't it better that we can, you know, don't have a pool now? We can go to, like, the pool club. And she was like, you know. No. She was like, honestly, she was like, we did it for you. So I'm happy that you're happy, but I miss my friends. And then I was like, oh, my God, what the fuck did I do? So I kind of have been, like, backtracking as much as I can, little by little, to try to recorrect these mistakes. And now my family is more on board. Now my family's like, hey, we're with you. We're with you, but we got to figure this out. So now we're settled finally in a place, and we're kind of falling in love with the neighborhood we're living in. As time has went on, and my kids are finding friends and all that, and we are not going to.

I'm not going to take that from them. I'm not going to be like, well, wherever we are now, we're going to stay for years so they can build the bonds and the friendships that they need that I inadvertently took away from them without me even realizing.

Hmm.

Can I have those edibles?

So this anxiety ramped up when success ramped up?

Yes.

So here. I sound like a therapist here, but are you. Is it because you're worried it's gonna go away? Is that the anxiety? Like, what is the anxiety now? What is the fear?

No, it wasn't any of that. It was. It was. I believe. I have confidence. I believe that I'm in this business. I can do it. And I believe that, like, we're all together now, especially how comedy is now. I feel like we're all like, this big brother sisterhood. Like, we'll help each other if one of us is falling like we got each other. I believe in that. But I think that the actual anxiety of the day of, you know, again, being a New York guy, one night, Radio city, the next night, the theater at MSG, all these, for me, a lot of tickets, you know, 10,000 plus tickets, which is, you know, that's huge for me. I was like, how am I gonna balance all this? What if I don't do well? What if, what if. What if one of these 10,000 people realizes that I'm. Thinks that I'm some kind of fraud? Thinks that, like, hey, one is going to always. Right?

There's always people that are going to find some negative thing in anything.

So now, now I've gotten to that point to accept that I'm wildly different. Not wildly different, but I'm much better now than I was in September when all this stuff was going on, because I've just kind of accepted that I don't really have control of what others think.

Maybe you need a thing other than just comedy that you do that's not, like, career oriented, like a hobby, like some kind of other interests that you really enjoy, that you could focus on.

So what I did, I'm getting trans people.

Is that what it is?

That's. Yes, trans feet. I'm really into Wiki feet for specifically trans women. And so, no, what I think is, well, what I've done, because I haven't gotten to the hobby yet, what I've done is I've really. I thought I was always focused on my kids always. Being a father is everything to me. But I said what you just said. I said, I'm going to really just focus on being a dad. Being home, coming off the road a little bit, just temporarily doing my thing in New York, keeping my podcast going, keeping my name out there, but not going on this national tour, getting away from that for now. I've shot a special. It's gonna come out at the end of the year. I'm like, be home. Be with the kids, be picking them up, be at the park with them. Focus on, like, give yourself a schedule. I'm a comedian from nine to five, and they are nine to three. When you pick up your. And then when you pick up your kids, just for now, you just be with them. And then, and that's really helped. And now, like, last night, I was at your club, which is awesome.

I was at your club, and that was the first time I was on stage in about six weeks since I shot the special.

Oh, really?

And I felt so I did some of the same material that I was because I've been writing, but I was like, I don't want to try a brand new thing right here. I did one new thing, but I was like, oh, wow, I felt like that little mental experiment helped me. Like, I was so excited to be on stage again. I've found, like, reconnected and you something that you do that I noticed last night, and I was like, huh? You. You know how much there's real, there's really nothing more you can do in comedy, right? I mean, you've done everything. The biggest you can get is you've achieved, which is beautiful. But I still saw you yesterday obsessing over your hour and thinking about, like, how do I make that joke better? Which is why you've gotten here. And I had that question in my head yesterday when I got back to the hotel. I was like, do I have that? Do I. Is it okay that I don't have it? Like, Joe, does that mean I'm gonna not be successful? Does that mean I. Does that kind of. Are we all just different? Because I love comedy, but I was like, I don't know.

Like, I just shot a special and was like, you know what? I need some time off where I don't know that you've ever done that, right? I mean, you've never taken a big break from stand up.

Well, I took a big break during COVID Right.

But other than that, you've always been like, you have a love and a passion that's. You're not worried about. Like, you never looking at your watch being like, is an hour up yet? You know, when your podcast, you're never being like, I gotta get an hour. You just flow. You're just free in the moment, flowing with passion, which is very admirable. And I look at that sometimes and I question myself. I'm like, do I have that? I know I've been relatively successful in this, and I do love it, but I'm like, do I have that?

I wonder if therapy is not a good thing for a person like you.

Okay, why do you think? Because I've never heard that.

I wonder if, like, obsessing about your problems makes your problems bigger and that maybe you just need another thing to focus on that maybe alleviates anxiety, like some kind of a. Like a hardcore workout thing.

Okay.

Do you work out?

Yes.

What do you do?

Well, yesterday. Yesterday I did hot yoga.

That's great.

Yeah. Just because I was, like, I was on the plane, wanted to do the hot yoga. Drip and sweat. That's a great crazy. And then today, today I did. I ran 2 miles, and then I did with 30 pound dumbbells. I did one burpee, one press ten times, ramped that up to five. So went all the way up to 1234. So it was a lot of burpees with that. Then I did farmer's carries ball slams thing. I was dripping in sweat. I was trying to do that.

Does that help you?

It does. I always feel. I always feel after a workout, great. Cause I was an athlete. I played basketball my entire life, to the point where my friends from home are like, you never mentioned basketball. And that's the thing you were known as, in the neighborhood. Everybody knew you as basketball. They used to call me gums because I have big gums. So they would call me gums, but they would call me Dirk. You know, little dirk. Like, basketball was my whole life.

Big gums.

See how they're. See how they're kind of big?

No, you're doing that. I could do that.

No, I know, but when I smile, like, they're just. I have gingivitis.

Let me see. Smile. No, they seem normal.

No, they think you're thinking too much. Well, they really do. Yeah. I mean. Well, no, they used to call me gums. I mean, I.

Most people are rude.

I've had the same size head and teeth since I'm seven, so I've always looked kind of weird.

Your head grew into your teeth?

Yeah, I just was born with this big, fat head and big teeth, but. But they. So basketball was an obsession, then physical therapy, getting my doctorate degree was an obsession, and then comedy became an obsession. And I think I have this thing in my head where I know I have to stay in the present, but sometimes I can't help it, where I'm like, well, is this your obsession ending now? And you're gonna find another obsession?

Yeah. It's the thinking about the negative possibilities that are dangerous.

Right.

You know, like, I think Elon posted this on Twitter, that having anxiety is literally like having a conspiracy theory against yourself.

Got it. That's pretty. Yeah, that's pretty.

Because you're, like, thinking, oh, my God, what if this all falls apart?

Right?

You're dwelling on that, but it's weird. It's not falling apart.

That's the thing.

Which is what I don't understand, which is weird because.

Yeah, because I feel confident. I don't feel like. I don't feel like. Help me. I feel like I can. I can figure anything out, right? I'm a biological male.

Do you think that maybe the worrying that it's going to fall apart is what keeps you on track, is you're like, I can't let it fall apart. You know, I have a family. I have a lot of responsibilities. I have to keep killing. I have to keep doing great, right?

Yeah, it feels specifically, yeah. I feel like if I, I do feel like it's all on me with my family. Nobody else in my family works and I take care of multiple family members, which I'm proud to do. I don't feel like that's a burden. I feel like this is great. This makes me feel, at times when I feel emasculated, that's something that makes me feel masculine, you know, when I'm like, oh, I don't know how to build anything. And I'm, you know, I got my girlfriend here putting up sheetrock and I'm like, I can build fucking walls emotionally. I don't know how to do anything else other than that. I was like, at least I can, at least I feel like, you know what? I can take care of this family. Like, you rely on me for that. And I guess there is something in comedy, you know, I guess because it's not like a day job, a daily paycheck coming in every two weeks, maybe that seeps in. But it's weird because I am very conf, I've always been confident in anything I do. I've always felt like my father would tell me from when I was a little kid, you control your part.

You control the output, not the outcome. He said that to me a million times. You control your output, not your outcome. Just control your output. And the outcome is irrelevant. It doesn't matter if you win or lose. I don't care about that. How are you playing? And so I feel like I control my output as best I can, but yet then I sit with these thoughts kind of, you know, they eat at me sometimes, you know, but, and then maybe it comes out in weird ways where I'm like, well, I'll just sell my house or I'll, you know, I have a grid family thing right now, but maybe I'll, you know, maybe I'll fall in love with the actress from baby reindeer. I don't know.

Did you ever talk to anybody before you sold your house? Like, talked to one of your friends?

I was able to convince all of them that it was the right move.

You couldn't have convinced me. I wish I got on the phone.

I know. I wish you and I got, got rid of a great mortgage rate. I really fucked up. So, but I, but I take, I mean, I was silly. I had, like, free money from the bank. I really fucked up and, but I, but I'm aware of that and I'm kind of saying along these lines, you know, I really fucked up. I do believe I've learned a lesson. I do believe that I would never do that again. And I do believe it wasn't fatal for us. But I was like, I really, like, I've never been that guy. I would manufacture problems in my brain. I would say, oh, you know, this is an issue. But it's minor. It's not. It's self obsessed, narcissistic, like, disgusting, like, chris, get over yourself. Self obsessed bullshit. Get over yourself. And I would. And I would do that and then kind of tell myself, like, you're being gross. Stop. Chris. Like, your family, you have a pain in your big toe. It's not brain cancer. Shut up. And, you know, your family needs you. And then. So I would do that. But then I actually did give myself a big problem.

I had two major problems. I had this house sale, and then I had a family member who really was acting crazy. Like, crazy, crazy, crazy. Where I was like, this is now a nightmare. This has become an issue. So I'm like, now, for the first time in the past nine months, I'm like, you, one self induced, one not. And you've created. Now, how do you deal with this?

How do you think you created the problem with your family member acting crazy?

Because I enabled them.

I feel specifically, how'd you do that?

I feel well, because I was giving them money. I was not aware that an issue was going on. I was kind of giving a drug issue. Yes. And I was allowing them to do things and say things. And I was just like, this is fun. It's chaos, baby. And then not realizing, like, hey, man, you're affecting way more. You're going to be the head of this family than be the head of this family. They're going to follow your lead and your lead right now, no matter how much you tell yourself, I don't do drugs. I don't do drink. I don't drink too much. I'm, you know, stable. You're not, buddy. Like, you have to put your feet down right now. And your family's, you know, my eight year old is. She's old enough now to. Somebody will, you know, somebody in her class will be like, oh, your dad's the comic. He's pretty filthy, right? So my daughter is now at an age where she's, you know, I've never mentioned them. Nobody knows what they look like. I'm not that, but I'm like, oh, there's responsibilities now. There's repercussions for things we're doing now, my kids, they're not little anymore.

My 13 year old, I have 13, eight and two. My two year old's obviously a baby, but 13 and eight, you're going to have to now really, really, really get your shit together. And I think that was scary because nobody really in my family, no male figures at least. Even though my father's a great man, nobody really got their shit together, right? I was like, I'm the only one who went to college. I'm the only one who pursued anything. I'm the only one who's ever even owned a home, you know? So even though I sold it immediately.

So how long did you have it for?

About two years. And I sold it for way under. My neighbor, who I didn't consult with, was like, why? If you wanted to move, fine, I get it. Staten Island's not for everybody, even though I love Staten island.

But you ruined the property value.

He was like, yes. He was like, what the fuck? And he was like, you sold it. Who the fuck did you sell this to? And you sold it for hundreds of thousands of dollars less than it was worth.

How did you do that?

Because I just wanted to get out. I just wanted to move.

So you just accepted the first offer?

Yes, I just needed action. My father was a. Is a, like, his marriage with my mother got ruined because he was a hardcore gambler. Hardcore gamblers anonymous.

Like, that's a scary disease.

Yes. Gamble, gamble. And my father told me, you know, even before I started doing this, my father was always like, do not gamble, okay? If I ever see you learning card tricks, if I ever see you knowing what, gambling on sports, any of that, you're really gonna upset me. And, like, this is the only demand I have of you is do not gamble. And what I believe has happened is I don't gamble. I don't even know what the point spreads and the vigs, and I don't know what any of that means, because my father and card games, you could put cards in front of me. I have no idea what's happening. People talk about, you know, parlay bets. I have no idea what's happening. I don't know what it's a foreign language to me because of. I was like, I'm gonna do that. But what I've realized now is, well, of course I'm gambling still. I'm just not playing card games and betting.

You're just taking risks with your life.

I might be taking bigger risks with my life than he could, because now I'm, you know, he was gambling. Yes, he lost his marriage to my mom, which sucks. But, you know, whatever. He gambled. You know, he, you know, some guys wanted to kill him because he owed money, got taken care of, and then he went to gamblers Anonymous. And at least he was like, well, I have this disease and I don't do it anymore. And I respect my dad for that. He got out of the. He got out of it, but I'm like, man, I was going down this path where, like, how many more decisions was I gonna make? How many more times was I gonna gamble? Because I was like, I didn't realize. And this last nine months, I was like, wow, dude, you really fucking are looking it in the face now. Like, these decisions. I mean, dude, when your eight year old is. Looks at you like, what the fuck did you do? That's all. Your mom and dad can tell you shit. Even your wife and girlfriend can tell you shit, which I all love and respect. And your daughter is like, what did you do?

Why did you do this to us? You had this major wake up call where it was like, yeah, when I.

Moved here, I was very lucky that my kids wanted to move here, right? It was lucky. During the time that we moved, there was a real clear reason because La was fucked, right?

But.

And they love it here, so I'm happy. But if they didn't, I'd feel fucking terrible. And if I had sold the house like that.

Yeah. Especially if there's a real bagel store .9 miles away. Shout out, man. Or bagels on state. They had excellent bagels.

You just didn't know.

I didn't know until I sold it.

Back into the neighborhood.

I know. Well, that's funny. My girl was like, do you think we can contact the people who bought our home and buy it back? And buy it back, even though it's twice the mortgage rate and you'll have to pay more money. Like, it would make us happy. And I reached out to him and he was like, no, he can't do it. And it's funny. I sold it to, you know, Staten Island's like a funny. It's. The people on Staten island are great. They really, really are. But like, when we first got there, you know, it's like an old school. If you don't know Staten islands, like an old school New York City neighborhood, it's like the only borough that is like, you know, kind of like more republican than anything. Like, they are like freedom. Like american flag. You will see american flags everywhere on Staten island and Wu Tang clan and Wu Tang clan, right? Wu Tang is on one part, but, you know, Staten Island. Staten island, baby. And. And so they, you know, they're like, when I moved in, you know, I come in here, it's me, you know, like, you know, I'm italian, whatever.

But then my whole family's puerto rican. And my neighbors, for, like, the first two weeks, just cause I didn't know, I told my neighbors that my wife was italian, and my girl was italian, not puerto rican. She lied. I swear to God, I told her we were puerto rican. And then my neighbor, who's a great guy, he's a doctor, he finally came over to me once, and he goes, you know, we know she's puerto rican. He said, chrissy, it's no issue. Why did she lie? Because I thought that that's what I was supposed to do. And then I sold the house. And again, it's not, you know, I sold a house to a palestinian family, which. Whatever, right? Who, they would.

They have palestinian flags.

Yes, they are very nice. They're very nice people. But I sold them. And now, you know, they're proud of their country. And then, you know, I sold them before this whole shit started popping off. So now that same neighbor is like, way to fucking go. And he'll send me pictures. And then it's funny because, like, they have a flag outside, and my. Now my neighbor got american flag twice as big as theirs, just fucking stamping that. So I'm like, so now I've caused a community conflict. Community conflict.

Why don't you just offer more money? The Palestinians, maybe they're uncomfortable there now.

Well, so actually, what has happened is when I contacted them, is they. They have, like, multiple family members living in there now. They have, like. So they're like, we can't. This is our house. Like, we have to stay. Like, we. They have a baby. They have a whole.

Yeah, so.

And I fucked up. But I do feel. I do feel that I'm confident we can. We are getting out of it, and I'm confident in my abilities.

Are you gonna go back to Staten Island?

I have been looking at houses on Staten island. Yes, I have. And we actually. We put an offer in on one last week.

You're a fun mess.

Thank you.

It's a fun mess. Cause it's not the worst kind of mess. Like, if you were a gambling addict, that's a scary mess.

Or drugs.

Drugs is a scary one.

Yes.

Yeah, those are scary ones because those people slip away and then they find their self at OTB and they're fucking betting money they don't have. And they just. They get that rush.

Yeah.

When you see people that get that gambler's rush, it's just like a drug addict. Like, their eyes gloss over. Like, they just need that fix. They need that bet. You've seen uncut gems, right?

Sure. Some phenomenal anxiety. Oh, yeah.

Movie's so good, so nuts.

Well, that's when I watch it with my dad. My dad was like, this is what. This is what this life was like. This is what it was for me.

I knew so many people like that in the pool hall that were like that. It's a wild thing to watch. Cause you realize, like, oh, it's a drug. You're getting a drug. You're getting this weird anxiety fix, this dopamine fix, whatever it is from gambling.

Yeah. And my father, like, inadvertently, like, my loves me, you know, loves me like a phenomenal father, right? They divorced when I was one. My dad lived on Staten island, my mom all the way in Queensland. You know, if you're not, that's like a two hour commute. He couldn't. He didn't have a car. He was taking the ferry and trains and never missed one. Visitation with me was at all my games. But even in the throes of the addiction, like, he would take me to the OTB racetrack and I loved it. He was like, we're gonna watch the horsies. Chrissy, you have a yoohoo. We'll have fun. But, you know, he would always tell me, you know, you could leave my mother's house right where she still lives and you could go to the right was church, and to the left was the OTB racetrack. But it kind of. The church was like at a top of a triangle, so you could go either way and get to the church. And my father told me he'd always be like, you know, when you're going to church with your mother, though, you always go to the right, okay.

You don't walk to the left. Never walk past that OTB with your mother to the right. Because he knew that the dirt bags who hung out outside there knew me. And so one day we walked that way and they all started going up. So like, here he is, Chrissy.

Good luck, John.

There he is. There he is. And my mother was like, how do you know those men? How do you know those men, honey? And I was like, you know, my. You know, sometimes dad walks with me past that way. And then she was like, you tell me right now, is he taking you into that OTB racetrack and then I, like, didn't know, like, what the fuck to do. I was had that moment, like, do I side with my mom or side with my dad? And that was, I remember, like, first time feeling like, anxiety. But, you know, one thing about. I just kind of always sided with my dad. So I was like, no. I was like, I've never, I've never been in there. I don't know how those guys know me. But then of course, she found out and, you know, I got in big trouble. But. But it's what it is.

God damn, dude.

By the way, I love Austin so much. I really do. I've, I got into the car today. Um, you know, the. Send a car for me to come here. I appreciate. I get in the car, you know, real nice suit and tie driver. And then he stepped in dog shit. As soon as he got into the car, he's walking and I see him go, oh, fuck. And then he steps in dog shit. And he's just driving in the car. And it smelled. The entire car smells like dog shit. And I said, sir, did you step in dog shit? And he said, yeah, I did. And I was like, oh, okay. He was like, you want me to take my shoes off? I can throw them out right here. And I was like, you'll drive this car barefoot? He goes, absolutely. And I was like, no, dude, it's okay. I was like, you're willing to drive this car barefoot? He goes, you're my customer. I'll drive barefoot for you. And I was like, dude, I fucking love it. And then he's waiting for me here and I was like, what are you going to do, man?

He was like, I'm going to find a paper towel and I'm going to wipe down these shoes. You better bet. You better believe it ain't gonna smell like shit in here when you come back. I was like, good for you, dude. Thank you. But full dog shit.

Yeah.

Good people out here.

They're good people out here.

Have you met? Yeah. I mean, there's not jobs everywhere though, right?

Oh, sure, yeah, yeah. There's lots of crazy people here. Yeah, crazy people. Whenever you have a large population, there's 2 million people in this area, but that's not that much.

No, no, that's what's good about it.

It's like people aren't a burden.

Yes. Because you have the space.

Yeah. If you live in New York City, if you live in LA, people become a burden because there's so many of them, you don't appreciate them.

See the thing with New York. I agree. And New York now, it never felt that way my whole life there. But recently, New York has become a place still great, still nice home city. But the problems that you would always hear about, like, you know, people say, oh, it's conspiracy. Or, like, you're watching that shit on the news now. You're actually seeing it. Okay, so for, you know, 39 years, I never had one altercation. Not one altercation on the subway or in the streets with any kind of mentally unwell person. In New York, there's a lot of crazy people, but, like, they not really fucking with deal. Three times in the past year, three times in the past year, I've been physically assaulted or, like, had to defend myself against a mentally deranged homeless person. One time, I was walking in the comedy cellar, some guy came at me and, like, just put his elbow in my chest, and I had to push him, and he fell over a pile of garbage. I just had to push him as hard as I can where I'm like, I never dealt with that. And now you're starting to hear people who, like, would always kind of, you know, never, ever, ever even think about, like, voting any other way.

But the traditional New York way are, like, I have to now vote another way because it's not safe for me anymore. There's crime. And the cops. I feel bad, man. The cops. If I was NYPD, a lot of my friends are NYPD. They're like, dude, we want a fucking police. We can't. I can't do anything. My boy was telling me a story. He's like, we were outside the projects, right? He goes, and we see this drug dealer selling drugs, right? We see him, he's selling drugs, and we know he's right there selling drugs. We arrest him out right away. Out he goes. Then we saw him selling drugs to what we look like, a ten year old kid. So we arrest him. We arrest this kid. We seeing a ten year old child walk with a bag of drugs, arrest him. Back out he goes, so what do you want me to fucking do then? I can't keep doing this.

Why do you think they're doing that living in New York City? Why do you think they're letting people out, like, right away? There's no cash bail, right?

Right. I was told that's by my police friends. I was told that's what it is. It's that law is the big thing. It's like this bail law to get out, he said, which doesn't help anyone, because I.

Why was it made.

I don't know. I honestly don't know. It's not. It's not well received, though. Nobody really. You're gonna. In New York now. Even. Even the people who are wearing, like, 40 masks during COVID are like, I don't want my cities, like, being destroyed now. So now I don't know if that changes in an election, if people will vote what they. I don't know, but I'm like, I see it now for the first time ever. I'm, like, fully seeing people injecting heroin, fucking. It's wild. Even my father, who was like, I grew up in new. You know, my father was like, I remember New York in the seventies and eighties, which was, like, nuts. Like, you know, it was like, you would get assaulted. Everybody had AIDS. He was like, you know, this is scarier New York. I'm more scared of this New York because, you know, he said in the old New York, you knew which neighborhoods don't go in that neighborhood. And then you're okay. But this New York, I don't know where that shit's coming from. It's gonna pop out of anywhere at any time. And you'll have people that will hear this and be like, you're.

You know, you're exaggerating. It's not true. I'm telling you, it's true.

They haven't run into it yet.

I'm telling you, dude, it's true. And when you are friends with the police, you know, the cops there. It's true.

Well, when you saw those illegal immigrants that came here, that attacked the police officer, and they were out on jail the next day, flashing the bird at the cameras.

Yep.

Like, that's crazy. You got someone who illegally enters from another country, assaults a police officer, and they're right back out in the street.

Well, and by the way, nobody, like, any race or religion, doesn't want that in New York. Like, nobody wants that. Like, that's not a thing. That's like, oh, that. Nobody wants that at all. So, like, I don't know what it's gonna take to change. I mean, I will tell you that. Like, a lot of New Yorkers blame it on Mayor Bloomberg. Like, he's the most hated ex mayor Bloomberg. He's the most hated person.

Really? More so than the last guy then de Blasio.

I'm sorry. De Blasio is what I meant. I'm sorry. Not Bloomberg. De Blasio is what I meant to say. I'm sorry. Mayor de Blasio is. Is hated. Like, he's hated more than Satan. Like, people just. I was at a gym once in park slope, Brooklyn. He was on the elliptical, and he has a security guard standing by him. He was the acting mayor. And, I mean, people were just fucking trashing him as they walked by. Just. I mean, outwardly trashing him, because nobody gives a shit. We're like, you. The one guy was like, you fucking suck. And by the way, that's a girls machine.

That's a girl's a girls machine.

That's what they said. And I was like, it's not. Yeah, they said it's a girl.

Elliptical machines.

I mean, dude, they wouldn't say it to you, but he said. They said it was a girl's machine. And I saw one of security guards go like this, but people hate him, and they blame a lot of what's happened in New York on him.

Well, he was definitely a fool.

Sure.

He was a weird fool. First of all, that's not his real name, right? He's not italian. De Blasio is not. His real name is, like, some sort of a german name. What's de Blasio's real name?

It's, like, wilhelm, I think.

Is it something very, like, Nazi William?

Wilhelm.

Wilhelm.

Wilhelm.

What's really crazy is that video where he was doing that thing, trying to get people to get vaccinated. Like, you get a free burger, so he's eating a burger. Come with this. Yeah, yeah. Warren Williams, Wilhelm junior. Yeah.

And he just divorced his wife, and. Which she also stole, they said, like, $80 million or something that went missing. That's gone. So they hate. They. They hated her. Now they're divorced. It's. It's one of those things, though, where I just got to stay there. It's just home, you know, if I wasn't. Yeah, well, especially after what I told you I just did. I can't now uproot the family to Austin as much as I want, thinking about it. Yeah, well, when I come here, I'm.

Like, renting right now.

We're renting right now. I can't take my kid out of school, though, again. I can't do it.

Almost over.

I. Yeah, but my mike. My kids have went to. You're. Now you're making me think about it. Give me an edible it.

Don't do it.

This is only ten. Cuz five puts me on my ass.

No.

Should I eat half or eat the whole thing? Are you positive?

No.

Okay.

I'm not positive in anything about you.

Thank you.

Other than you like, trans girls feet.

Yeah.

I'm pretty positive about that. I don't think you'd lie.

I wouldn't lie. That's the one thing about me. I make shit up. I exaggerate shit. A lot of my comedy stories and stuff exaggerate it, right? When it comes to shit like that, I won't lie.

Yeah, no, I believe you. This is a good place to live. But I don't think you should uproot your family again unless you can convince them once they come here and they really like it.

Well, jasmine, my girl has told me you. You can move us again in five years, okay? Five years.

That's not a good time to move them. Well, that's a bad time.

Why? Because what you're saying, a 13 year old will be through high school.

Yeah, but then the other one, you're.

All to be going into high school.

So you don't want to move them like at high school.

You don't think moving them in 8th grade?

I think before. This is my personal opinion, I might be wrong for whoever is listening to this, it's about to move their kid. Because, listen, I moved. My family moved me, Newton, Massachusetts, from Jamaica Plain for my first year of high school. And it was actually good. It was good because Jamaica Plain was fucking sketchy. Jamaica Plain, which is nice now, it's like they've done, you know, as Boston expanded. Like, they sort of, like, made. They renovated a lot of places. Jamaica Plain is a much more calm neighborhood. When I was there in the 1970s, it was sketchy as fuck. It was sketchy. It was like, I think we moved there in 78 or 79. It was fucking weird, you know, it was dangerous. I had dangerous neighbors. These kids were dangerous. They were already having sex. Like, I was eleven. And they were like, jesus. I remember this kid was telling me, like, you don't even know how your dick goes in a pussy. You probably think it goes in straight. I'm like, it doesn't. He's like, it goes up. I go. It goes up.

What?

I thought, you know, I've never seen, like, a girl's. No girls had ever shown me their vagina when I was eleven. But they were trying to explain to me that it's like, I guess I wasn't. I guess I wasn't eleven. I guess I was 13. Okay, so, like, we only lived in Jamaica plain for a year and a half. Yeah, I think it was. I think we moved there before school. I think I went through the summer. And then we went. I went to school was sketchy. So this is where I went to 8th grade. I went to this, like, public school in Jamaica plain. We didn't have any money. We lived in. It was a shitty area. But the kids were like 17 in the 8th grade and they would show up for the first days of class, then quit. And it was just like they were just. They had dropped out so many times and here they were, the age where they should be graduating and they're not even in high school yet.

Wow. It was weird is that we think got you into martial arts then. Do you feel like you had to defend yourself?

In some ways I definitely felt super vulnerable, but I didn't get into martial arts until. Till the next year. But it was.

What'd you do? Did you lose your virginity first or get into martial arts first?

Martial arts.

Nice.

Yeah. Actual sex sex. I mean, I'd been fondled by a lady. She was 21 and I was 13. That was a lot of fun.

That's interesting.

Very pretty.

Yeah, I believe it.

But nothing hardcore serious, not like sex sex. Until I was like 1616.

I was 17.

I guess I was almost 16.

1St time I ever had sex. Went raw dog. Didn't pull out.

Ooh, Jesus.

First time. First time I didn't know what to do.

Oh, my God.

First time, no. Very catholic family wouldn't speak to me about these things.

Hot dog. Not pulling out.

Not pull out.

Everyone's so fertile at that age, dude.

And she was half jamaican, half italian. Very beautiful, beautiful girl. We actually were on the same basketball team. We were playing basketball together and she had already had sex and I was a virgin and we had this sex and unprotected. And I'll never forget, she was, you know, she put like a do rag on. She had done this before. My mom wasn't home. She put this do rag on.

She was ready to go.

She was ready to go. And then she, you know, I could. I was so nervous, I could barely get an erection. I just couldn't. It was like, impossible. And then finally got it in and then I finally got it up and it was. She wrote, dude, two pumps blew it. She was like, did you just come inside me? I was like, I'm sorry, so sorry. And then I had this emotional swing where I immediately. I started hysterical crying the very first time I had sex. It was the weirdest thing. I can't explain it. Hysterical crying to the point where she comforted me and then within two weeks, broke up.

Of course she was done. She waited in two weeks.

I couldn't.

She was holding her breath.

Yeah. And I don't know. My therapist can't tell me why that happened. He's like, that's a rarity. I can't tell you, man. Well, you're an emotional guy.

Well, on it. You were fucking 14 years old. But it's anxiety. It's anxiety. So thinking about a thing, that thing happens, and you're just overwhelmed and you don't know how to handle it, so you just cry.

Anxiety, for me, is this interesting thing. I know a lot of people suffer from it, but it's an interesting thing where I've connected. Now, I used to lean into my anxiety, right? I used to. Especially doing comedy, I would, like, make it a thing, whatever. Pandora's box of anxiety opened up for me on 911 because I thought my mom was dead, this whole thing. So I couldn't shake that feeling. For ten years after that, I could not shake the feeling of thinking my mom or anyone I loved, any woman that I loved, girlfriend or mom or aunt, if they did not respond to me within five minutes of a text, I assumed they were dead. That feeling of 911 every day came back because I was calling my mom. No response. No response. Every day, coming back, coming back. And so I would deal with that. And then something happened where this. I started to look at my anxiety, like, narcissism and, like, disgusted with myself to the point where. Cause I used to put out these videos, anxiety Tuesday, talk about my anxiety. And people still sometimes be like, oh, that anxiety Tuesday stuff, it helped me so much.

Why don't you do it anymore? And I'm like, I hate that. I hate that guy. That guy was so pitiful. Like, because you were being worried about things that really didn't matter. What I should have done and what I know now is dealt with that anxiety in a healthier way. So instead of subconsciously, you know, selling my house, because I was really nervous about a big show, I would have been able to deal with that anxiety in a healthier way and make a better decision. So I think, like, this relationship with anxiety is so, like, big and swings in my life that I used to kind of let. I'm trying to use the energy now to be like, well, how can you learn from this? How does this build you up? And how do you make better decisions? You know, by doing this? So I struggle with that.

Do you have friends that you grew up with that also had anxiety, too?

No. Anxiety wasn't a thing that you could speak about in my neighborhood.

So this was only, like, you, on your own, developed this hundred percent.

And then, like, I remember my anxiety was so bad. I played college basketball, and I would. I would text my girlfriend at the time to make sure she got home from work, you know, whatever, what she was doing. And if she didn't text. I remember there was this one game we were playing Brooklyn College, which was, like a big rival. We needed to beat them. I was. I was, you know, one of the best players on the team. I. I remember I would. She wasn't texting me back. I foolishly texted her before the game, like, when we were in the locker room and then thinking, okay, we're gonna go in for warm ups. 20 minutes. I would have to leave my phone in another room, because the anxiety of, like, is the phone ringing or not? I couldn't handle it. So if I texted her and then I went and did something else for 20 minutes, I would say, at the end of this 20 minutes, she's gonna have a text. She's home, and you can relax, right? Even though it was pure daylight in New York, like, she was always gonna be okay. But my brain convinced me otherwise, so one day, she's not texting back, and now the game has begun.

So I'm playing this game like, I can't even feel my body. Like, I am paralyzed. Truly, I cannot feel my body. My mouth is numb. I'm having, like, a full panic attack. But I am the lead player on a college basketball game that we need to win. So I don't know, like, what the fuck to do. So I call a timeout. I call a timeout. Overrule my coach. I'm like, timeout, coach. I just need a breather, okay? I say, I'm just gonna go back into the training room. I just wanna tape my ankle, which is normal. Okay. I come back out. Cause I wanted to look at my phone. I look at the phone, still no message. Still nothing, you know? Turns out it was just a delay on the train. And she. Whatever. She's a 21 year old girl. She's not looking at her phone all the time. And I come back, and I have the phone stuffed in my pants.

Oh, my God.

I stuffed it in my, like, tidy shorts. And I played the game with the cell phone stuffed in my pants because I said the only way I'd be able to do this is somehow when nobody's looking, even though it's a packed college crowd, pull out this phone and make sure that she texts me, or else I can't play. I'm gonna be paralyzed, and I can't play. So I had it. And then I was playing the game, realizing, this is worse. Cause now I have the. I'm waiting for the phone to vibrate. And every time I thought it was vibrating, it wasn't. I was just running in the game. So then I stuffed it in towels and the warm ups, which was in a pile in the back of the bench. And they would call, coach would call, timeout, or I would call a timeout. I did that twice. And get out. And then I would. I would go over and look at the phone to see if, you know, she had texted me. And I dealt with this anxiety. And then what happened was I was, you know, we were kids. 19 1819, they. I opened up to one of my friends about him.

We used to call him bam bam, big boy. And we. And I opened up to him about it, thinking, you know, whatever. And then what they did again, back then, not knowing anything about mental health, not really caring, being from deep in Brooklyn. What they did is, they on a road trip one time, we were going to a game. They found a way to. They star six, seven, called me from unrestricted note. It'll pop up nobody. And they said, girl's name was Melissa. They were like, hey, we kidnapped Melissa.

Oh, jeez.

We have her in the trunk of our car. She's gonna die. Like, everything that they. I confessed to them, they said. And I had. And it was crazy. My freshman year, when she also played basketball as well, that year, when I was a freshman, she was a senior, so we would always be in the same gym at the same time. So I had no anxiety. I was 90% free throw shooter. 90. My junior and senior year, when I was a better basketball player, in better shape, the leader of the team. But she was not with me every game. 50% free throw shooter. Because my brain, I couldn't feel my body. And I somehow got people. My teammates didn't even know this. I got all the way to division three, all american. I was like, I'm my school's all time leading scorer, or maybe second now, but I did all this stuff, and I was completely, 100%, absolutely having, like, this mental health crisis. Like, as anxious as I could be where I swear I'm not. I would never joke about this. Like, I was, like, at 21 years old, being like, I'm gonna have to kill myself.

I'm gonna have. I cannot live like this. And nobody could help me. My mother didn't know what to do. No, but this was, you know, 25. Yeah, 20 years ago, I. No, but there was no mental health. Nobody knew that nobody knew about. Like that I just dealt with every day, reliving. I think my girlfriend's dead. I think reliving that 911, pandora's box. And it affected me and to the point where, like, every relationship I had, they broke up with me. Cause they were like, I can't deal with this. To them, it was control. And in a way, it was. I was trying to control. I wouldn't care about if they cheated on me. Where are you? I was never jealous about that. I'd be like, go have fun. Have sex. Let me know what big his dick is. I'm kind of into it. I don't give a shit. But I cared about their safety always. And it was this thing I could not let go of. And the biggest fear I have. The biggest fear I have, and that's why I'm trying so hard to work at this now. And sometimes it's fucking exhausting, but I'm trying so hard, is I don't want that anxiety to come back.

And then I put it on my daughters. Cause I don't want them. I don't want to be their 1819, want to live their life. And dad's here texting them, and they don't write back. And now I'm thinking, who has my daughter? So I worry about that. That's the first fear I had when I held my oldest daughter, who was love of my life. I've held her, and I was like, what am I going to. What's going to happen when she goes outside? Which I know you got to stay in the present. You can't worry about that. But sometimes it hurts me.

How did you get over this everyday, crippling anxiety to the point you thought you were going to kill yourself? How'd you get past that?

So what happened was the only advice that I did get from a friend of mine who's my kid's godfather now, was like, you are so much better basketball player. Which is. That's what I cared about back then. You are such a better basketball player when you're single, when you don't have a girlfriend, you are such a better basketball player, and that's what you need to do. So the only way at that time, I could overcome it is to be single and to not connect to a girl in any way, shape, or form. Because then, if I was single, I wasn't worried as much. Cause my mom always would text me back, or if I called her, she was always pretty much home. I very rarely dealt with instances where my mother was not responding. Cause my mom, she is thinking about me all the time. These girls, rightfully so, would be like, I'm not gonna sit here and respond to this behavior, you know, like, he's nuts. And I was, and then so and so. That's the only way I could get over it. Now how I deal with it, like, you know, now my girl's out picking up my kids from school while we're doing the show.

I just have a feeling. What I think about now is, if something was to happen, I can handle it. I'll be able. I'll be okay. It's gonna hurt, but I'll be okay. I've had enough life experiences where things hurt, but you'll be confident you can get through it. And I try as best I can to tell myself, hey, your brain is a defense mechanism is always gonna give you worst case scenario for survival. So just know that that worst case scenario is the statistically, the least likely thing is gonna happen. And if, God forbid, it does happen, you'll be able to deal with it. You can handle it. Where I think the anxiety for me the last time came, I don't know what to do. I don't have the tools to help me if something horrible happens.

So life experience, therapy, all the things.

Yeah, but it's interesting. What you said to me about therapy is I felt that way myself. I was like, you know, sometimes I feel like I have. We all have issues, but I'm like. Sometimes I'm just, like, bitching to my therapist, and I'm forcing myself to talk about these things that I feel like I have a better handle over from, like, my own kind of, you know, meditation and just, you know, thinking, you know, like, seeking out help for myself, listening to people speak, having life experience, I'm like, you know, I like that, my therapist. But I'm like, I don't know, man. Sometimes it's like, you don't want to be the guy that's like, I don't need help. Cause I get it. But I'm like, yeah, I didn't need this today. I feel like you made me nervous again. Now. I didn't need this at all today. I was okay today. But it's Tuesday, 1115. So that's our session.

That's what Abigail Schreier was saying. I had her on, and she had written a book about therapy and kids and that obsessing about problems sometimes can exacerbate the problem, make them worse. So instead of just, like, allowing that problem to sort of go away and naturally recover from it, now you just rehash it over and over and over.

And over, and that becomes a thing.

That you're concentrating on all the time, and that you're not developing the ability to be resilient. And resilience comes from a lot of things, you know, a lot of things is like, if you have bad things happen in your life, you could develop anxiety. But also, when bad things happen in your life and you recover from them, you realize you can recover from.

Yeah, that's how I feel now. I feel like I'll. I'll just, you know, I've been through it. I'm like, I'm not scared of anesthesia anymore. I used to be that guy that's scared of anesthesia. Cause I had to get a colonoscopy. Cause I took a shit that looked like it had some blood in it, and it turned out it was just a bunch of boysenberries, but they. But that's what it was.

Did you ever eat beets? Yeah, beets. You go into a panic.

So I didn't know. So the doctor, I showed him a picture of my shit, and he was like, that doesn't look great. Let's just get a colonoscopy. And I got the anesthesia, and I woke up, and everything was fine. And I'm like, well, now I'm not scared. Now I feel. Because a big anxiety for me would be okay. I feel a pain in my chest, my stomach, you know, whatever. Like, I had gas once in my stomach, and I had shows in England, and I got. I literally went from literal gas pain because you were eating all this british food. Just a minor gas pain that was going to go away in ten minutes to brain exacerbated it into potential appendicitis. I'm across the ocean. So now I have three more shows left. So what I'm gonna have to do is figure out a way to get home preemptively. So what I'm gonna do is, I called the venue, I said, I have an emergency. They said, what's the emergency? I said, my stepmom died, which wasn't true. And I got on a flight.

No, you didn't.

I swear to God. And I got on a flight.

Jesus Christ.

Yes, I got on a flight. Didn't tell the other people on the show, got on a flight and got home, because. And. And when I landed back at JFK, my stomach pain went away. And it was all in my head to begin with, because what I was saying was, at that time was, I'm going to get my appendix removed over here. I might die in the hospital. I don't know how. I don't know how I'll react to anesthesia. But now, God. But now that wouldn't happen. Now, what I would say if I got a pentascidist feeling right now in the show, what I'd say was, well, if that's going to be the case, you'll deal with it. You know what? You know what anesthesia feels like? You won't know about it anyway. We have enough modern medicine here where if you really. If this thing got really bad and this was like, you're gonna die. You have enough medicine here where you can make this as painless as possible.

These shows.

Yes.

Oh, my.

They weren't selling, but still, you know, it's not. I wasn't selling anything, but. But I still was the headliner. I let people down and, you know, and I had to apologize to my stepmom that I said, she died with you. Did.

Did they fly over there to do those shows, too?

No, they were from the UK. They were from the UK. But I missed, all I ever wanted to do was see the beach in the UK. I've always, like, been obsessed with, like, I wanted to see the water in England, and that's what they. The day I left, they had a beach day, and I left because I was like, I have stomach pains and I. And I flew away. And because my brain would get the best of me. But now I'm different. Now I'm saying, well, I'll be able to handle this. That's how I feel.

Jesus.

It's a little nuts, right?

It is a little nuts, but it's okay. Yeah. Um. I don't know how to handle that. I know my brain thinks so different than yours, it's hard for me to.

But isn't it interesting that we can both. But both of our outlets are comedy, even though our brains are different. Cause it's really defense. My. I do comedy cause it's a defense mechanism. I. That's why I do it.

It's an art form. It's a discipline. I like it cause it's interesting, it's fun. I like it cause it makes people laugh and it makes, it excites my brain to come up with new stuff to talk about.

But when you were young, but when you were young in, like, Jamaica Plains and doing those things, would your defense thing, would you always try to make people laugh from a defensive point of view? See, I was.

No, but if you talk to, like, my friends from high school, they wouldn't have told you I was funny. They thought I was a psycho.

Got it.

I'd gotten obsessed with martial arts when I got to high school, and that's all I cared about. That's all I wanted to do, and. But back then, I just was a drawer. I was an illustrator. I did a lot of comic books.

Left handed.

Right handed.

You know what? Me. Many people are good drawers who are left handed. Who are right handed.

Really?

Most of them are lefties.

That's. Well, lefties are really good at a lot of things.

Yeah.

I think lefties learn things easier. I don't know, easier, but they seem to be better at learning things. I mean, this is a gross exaggeration. A lot of lefty morons, I'm sure, but lefties are really good at boxing. Like, some of the hardest sparring rounds I ever had to do were with left handed guys. It's a different angle. You're looking at things totally different. You're open for stuff that you're not. Like you're open for a straight left. The right jab comes from a different place. It's harder to manage. It's weird because your brain gets used to a guy with a left hand in front and you're standing, you're moving around with him. As soon as the right hand's in front, you're like, oh, shit. It throws everything off. They're really good at pool. A lot of world champions are left handed. Some of the best players in the world are left handed. Not all of them. A lot of really good right handers, too. But there's something about left handed people that they seem to excel at stuff.

I've never played pool once in my life. Good.

Don't do it.

You think I should? Is it golf? Don't get it.

Oh, golf either, if you get into it. The problem is, it's the problem with pool is if you get into it, it's so engrossing. It takes over your. Your mind, everything. It's like, it's so difficult to do. People don't understand, like, to play really good pool requires, like, this insane level of concentration that's sort of like a meditation. You're thinking about so many things. You're thinking about the exact amount of revolutions you're putting on the ball, the angle that ball is going to come off. What is going to come off with spin? Are you going to put check spin on it so it shortens the angle? Or are you going to put running English on it so it lengthens the angle. Are you going to hit it soft or hard? Where do you want to get for the next shot? And then where do you want to get for the shot after that, which is you have to play three balls in advance.

Oh, my God. I'm out already. Yeah.

And it's all this geometry, and you have to understand angles and collisions. And what about chess feeling? That's another one. Like, I'm scared to do it. I remember when Howard Stern got really into chess. I was listening to the show, and he was taking chess lessons and all these different things. I was like, ooh, that's one of those things. Like, in Boston, one of the things that I noticed is the guys who were really into golf, their career suffered because they weren't really thinking about comedy. They were thinking about playing. They wanted to play golf. Comedy was, like their job, that they would do so they would have money, and then during the day, they would play golf, and golf had become their thing.

That's interesting, because I thought you were going to say, it feels like the guys who I know who play golf have bigger careers because they're making these connections with people on the golf course and getting these things.

Well, that could happen, too. I mean, that's certainly a business thing. Golf is a great business game. If you're into business, like, you kind of almost have to play golf, as guys like, to do deals and talk about things on the course. Yeah, you get to know a person on a golf course. You know, just like, you get to know a person playing pool. Like, you get to know, like, how they can handle pressure, what kind of a person they are. Like, Brian Callen famously told me the story where his mom was watching this guy that his dad was going to do business with play golf, and the guy cheated at golf. He moved the ball. And she goes, don't do any business with him. He cheats. He moved that ball. He's a liar. She was right. Turned out she was right. But there's a thing that you could see when a person plays pool or plays golf. You see their character.

Yeah. That's like, my father has a rule. If you're a fan, if you grew up in a city and you're not a fan of that team, you're a fan of a team from another city. He doesn't trust you, and he never will. He just won't. And it has nothing to do with his team.

That makes sense.

He just says, what kind of traitor of a person are you that you want to live around people who hate you because of your fan choice. Unless he said, the only caveat to that is if their father was from like, pittsburgh.

Right.

And you're a diehard steelers fan. You moved to New York. I get that.

Yeah, I get it.

But if you're just, you're the guy that just wants to go against the grain, his. His advice is, no, thank you, I want nothing to do with it. Which. That's pretty good advice.

Yes.

That's a pretty good rule to live by.

Sure. That's like someone who's in your tribe that secretly wants to be in another tribe.

Yeah. The only thing me and my father disagree on is like, right now, I'm wearing a met shirt, right? And the only reason why I'm wearing this is because I. I'm gonna be honest with you. I, you know, jerked off today. I was coming in a little heavy, I was a little anxious, whatever it happens. And then I kind of just let it sit there on me. And I got up and the shirt that I had was at the edge of my bed that I was going to wear, and I got up and it just leaked. It fell onto the shirt. So I was like, this is the only shirt I have. So I threw in a met shirt, knowing that some of my friends back home are going to be like, are you a fucking Mets fan now or you a Yankees fan?

And how dumb is that? Cuz they're both from New York.

That's my thing. That me, it's. I'm New York.

I like people who use Android phones. Yes, you're a rebel.

Yes, it's true. Dude, you know why I'm a Mets fan? I was born in Queens, my father's from the Bronx. Darren, Yankees fan, but Mets fan. The owner of the team, Steve Cohen, right? He's, you know, big owner, you know, whatever. Really nice guy. I did in the pandemic. I did his 60th birthday party.

Oh, no.

Private party, right? In a room like this.

Did it suck?

Here's what happened. So I can't wait for this. Okay, so here's what happened. All right, so, so, all right, I get a call, right? Okay, you're gonna do this show. What happened was I talk my jasmine, my family's puerto rican, my kids are puerto rican. I have material about having this puerto rican family, right? Steve's wife is puerto rican, okay. They have a 60th birthday party. And what I thought the birthday party was gonna be was him and his family. I'll do my puerto rican jokes, you know, the wife will like it, you know, whatever. It's 20 minutes, you know, great money. It's, you know, cool opportunity. Do it. It's a challenge, right? It's the pandemic. Not much going on. They rented out this restaurant. Nobody's supposed to know about it. It's like in the back room thing. So I go. So I get there and it's, no, it's him and his ten friends. All guys, just all guys sitting at a table like this having dinner. They do not know comedy supposed to happen. The wife thought it'd be a good idea to get a comedian in there for his 60th birthday that she wasn't invited to because this was a guy's thing.

And so a 60 year old billionaire doesn't know who the fuck I am. If you're gonna have comedy, have Jerry Seinfeld, have Joe Rogan, have somebody that they know. They have no idea. So the, the guy who, you know, was like, Steve's assistant, who the, you know, has to answer to his wife. I think his name was Ned. He goes, um, are you the comedian? I was like, yeah. He goes, all right. He goes, what's your name again? And I was like, it's Chris Destefano. I thought, like, misses Cohen knew me. She was like, yeah, she's not here. Like, that's, this is, it's all guys in there. I said, well, you know, do you not want me to do it? He goes, no, she already paid you. Like, I have to do it. So I was like, okay. So I was like, well, where? Just show me where, like, the microphone is. He was like, we don't have anything. There's no microphone. There's no lights. He goes, we were thinking. He goes, he goes, they just got served their entrees, so we were thinking, you can just stand in the front of the table and do a few minutes.

Oh, boy.

So I was like, you know that this is gonna be, this is a nightmare. And he was like, it doesn't feel like they're gonna like you. So.

Oh, my God.

So, Ned, my hands are sweating. So Ned, Ned goes, listen, they just got the entrees. Just go out there. And so I swear I'm not. I swear to God, I told him my name three times. He goes, he goes, all right, Steve, you know, your wife had a nice little surprise for you. We got a comedian. We got a, you know, fun comedian. And he goes. And he goes, so here he is. And he goes, Chris, Chris. And the one guys went, Chris Rock. Is it Chris Rock? And then he goes, no, it's not Chris Rock, it's Chris. What's your last name, kid? And I was like, distepheno. And then as I'm walking in, somebody goes, who the fuck is that? And so, and so I walk in and I get up there right away, and I was like, hey, guys, I know this is probably not what you wanted. I can leave right now, but I have, you know, if you want me to do some jokes, like, you know, I'll do them right now. And then one guy was like, yeah, do it. He goes, but make it quick. So I was like, okay, this is good.

So I go out there, and Joe, I am fucking bombing. Like you can't imagine, like a full zero. All you hear is knives and forks hitting the plate, people chewing. At some point, I don't know who threw it. A shrimp bounced off my chest. Somebody hit me with a shrimp, and they're dying in the back of the table. Tommy Mottola was there, you know who, the famous record producer and you know was married to Mariah Carey. So I go. I go, mister Mottola, you know, I'm a big fan, you know, of your ex wife. You know, I love to work. He goes, yeah, I bet you're a big fan of cock, too. Big laugh, you know, like, I'm like, oh, my God. So then finally, the only person laughing Matold dunked on.

You got the best laugh of the room.

Crushed. The only person laughing is Steve son, who's 30 years old, who's become a friend of mine, Josh. Great guy. He's laughing in the corner, not at my material, just because he's like this, because he knew my podcast. He was like, oh, my God, this sucks. So then Steve, Steve finally goes. He goes, listen to me. He stops. He goes, I'm doing a joke. He wasn't very nice. He goes, okay. He goes, what did my wife tell you? And I said, well, Mister Cohen, she told me, just come out here, birthday gift for you. Do 15 minutes. You know, like, just, you know, just do the best I can. And she thought you'd like me because I talk about the puerto rican kids and all that. He goes, yeah, yeah, that's. I'm not puerto rican, though. I was like, no, I know, I know. And he goes, how about this? I'll make you a deal. He goes, what are your five best minutes? And I said, well, I did the David Letterman show a few years ago. He goes, oh, I know, I know. David Letterman. I said, yeah. He said. He said, why don't you do that?

How about. And he goes, do that. Do those five best? He goes, I'm going to tell my guys to list it. Do those five best. He goes, if you can get me to laugh in those five minutes, I'll double whatever my wife gave you. He goes, did you get it already? I said, yeah, I think she wired it to my agent. He goes, I'll double it, whatever it is. I don't even know what the number is times two. Give me your best five. So I just, like, planted my feet and I just. To the wall. Didn't even look at anybody. Just did my exact David Letterman set, which is about being on the subway. I just came back from England like shit from ten years ago, but I had it and I did it, and they started to laugh. And sure as shit, that's what he did. He had. He doubled the money. Turned out to be a big thing, you know, for me. And then what happened was, is I had to sign all these NDAs not to talk about anything.

But you just talked about it.

Well, here's the thing. I decide all these NDAs not to talk about. But I thought I had to sign NDAs because it was during COVID times and they were, like, renting out a restaurant, which, like, you really couldn't do back then. So I was like, just don't mention that. And I was like. And I thought it was really more for, like, you know, they don't want reporters showing up to the actual event and them getting in trouble. But it's like, the next day, who cares? So I do my podcast the next day, hey, babe. With Sal Volcano. And I start the show with, dude, I fucking ate it last night. Here's the story, right? Going crazy. That episode comes out the next day. We filmed it in the morning. It came out that night. So the next morning. So two days removed from the Cohen gig, I wake up, I have 20 missed calls from my manager, my agent, lawyer. I wake up, I'm like, what the fuck happened? So my manager gets on the phone, he goes, take down that episode, dude. Take it down. I said, what? He goes, you broke. You violated the NDA.

You just said all these things about the Cohen gig. You can't do that. His lawyers are saying you're gonna get sued right now, and they're gonna take you to court and they will not lose. Whatever. And then. So I just hung up the phone on him. I was like, I need a second. And I just hung up. I said, what the fuck do I do? Because I'm like, I'm not taking that shit down. I, you know, it's comedy, whatever. And then so I'm like, let me calm down. Let me calm down. So I scrolling on Instagram, right? This is what we do. Baseline scrolling on Instagram like a fucking crocodile. I'm scrolling and I see DM's from Steve's wife, Steve's daughter, Steve's son. And I'm hearts like this now. I'm like, oh, maybe I am fucked. Cause, like, now the family themselves, it was all. I can't believe you talked about it. Hey, babe, we loved it. That's amazing. My dad's dying laughing. Come to a Mets game, throw out the first pitch. The mom being like, I want to meet your wife. Oh, my God. Thanks for mentioning that. And I'm like, wait, what the fuck?

So I call my manager, and I'm like, I have messages from the family saying that it's okay. And then he's like, all right, hold on. And then he calls. He says, send me those messages. I send in the messages. And then within five minutes, lawyers backed off because although Steve didn't tell them to do that, the legal team was just like, that's a violation. I don't even check with Steve. You fucked up. And then, so. And then it went away like that. And then the family now has become like, really? Cohen family owns the Mets are, like, awesome, amazing people. It's like, it's almost. Even though it's a big major league baseball team, it's like, when you go to the game, it's like, josh, you don't even need a ticket, dude. Come walk in the back door. Walk in with us. So cool. And then Steve goes, I'm going to let you redeem yourself in the baseball season. He goes, I'm going to let you redeem yourself, okay? I was just at the game, and he goes, here's what we'll do. He goes, it looks like rain. He was like, if there's a rain delay, I'm going to give you the mic.

I'm going to put you on the jumbotron, and you do five minutes. I said, you want me to do five minutes? To cold, wet Mets fans that are angry about the team not playing, he was like, do you want to redeem yourself or not? And I was like, I'll do it. We have. I think it's on my instagram somewhere. So we have. I'm wearing, dude, the worst shirt. Like a floral printed stupid shirt. My friends, I was sitting in the owner's suite, right? My friends are diehard Mets fans. They were sitting in the stands for this. They didn't know this was happening. So rain delay comes. They have the Mets announcer again. Who messes up my name? Call me Chris Destalopoulos. I'll never forget that. She goes, Chris Destalopoulos. She goes, I was gonna do a few minutes of comedy for you. So. And then the camera's just on me, and I'm still. I don't even have a mic. You know, one of those mics that you pin to your shirt. Yes. So I had that. So I was, like, doing that bit where I was like, yes. And I'm bombing.

Horrifically, horrifically bombing.

Oh, my God. So I'm bombing in front of, you know, 30,000 where when I got Steve Cohen, by the way, and his friends are dying, dying laughing because they knew that that was going to happen. And then Steve goes. He goes, you're all right, man. You're good. You're all right. And I was like, thanks. And then I got all these texts, and my friends, my boy Pat was like, dude, I was in the stands for that. Like, you know, we're huddled under. He goes, you were bombing? He goes, I heard multiple people say they were going to unfollow you on Instagram for this shit. And he goes, it was so bad. He goes, it was literally so bad. He said, there was a little kid started to cry. Horrific. And he goes, and your shirt fucking sucked. And I was like. And so, so it was one of those moments. But I say all that to say, that's why I wear the Met shirt. I'm New York first, and the Cohen family is awesome, and the Mets are awesome. And. And, yeah, it was. It was like one of those things where a good thing turned.

A bad thing turned into a good thing, you know? Dude, it's. It was, dude, bombing. Like, Joe, the one at Citi Field was worse. I mean, that was worse because not only, like, I was in the control room.

When did you. How between knowing you were gonna have to do it and doing it, how much time was it?

Less than five minutes.

Oh, my God.

Jamie, is there a way, if you could, like Chris DeStefano Mets game bombing flower shirt? I put it on my instagram. I don't know if you could be able to find it, but.

Oh, my God, my abs.

But, dude, it was. It was. And you know what's the worst part is? I was sitting in the control room. That's where they had me go live from. And I was bombing for the people in the control room. They were just, like, looking at me, and then they were still doing the thing like, when are we back from rain delay? I was, like, doing a bit, like, you know, like, doing, like, a clean bit. And they were like, what? What was it? Is the storm coming in? Not listening. And then at one point that I was in the middle of my bit and the guy was like, buddy, shh. I'm listening to the MLB. Shh. And I was like, oh, my God. And I fucking ate it. But they were. But, you know, they were pretty nice to me. They've been pretty nice to me. But it was. It was bad. And my friend Josh tells me, he goes, yeah, dude, like, I've. You've ate. You've eaten it as bad as you can eat it.

Wow.

Then they had me come out for a fundraiser. This was like in a comedy club. I fucking bombed that. And I was just like, in a comedy club, not a comedy club. It was like a. It was the Paramount theater. It was like a fundraiser. But I had come out that classic thing where the one comic they have that nobody knows about comes out. And I came out right after the video of the fundraiser for the kids with cancer and the mom and dad who lost their child to cancer. And then I have to come out and just be like, let's forget about that and do this. And so. And then they had these polar bears on stage that were, like, raffled off. They were like a $1000 stuffed animal. Polar bears for Pete Alonso. They call him the polar bears. The best player on the Mets. And I didn't know that. So I was bombing so hard for the thing. I just started throwing these polar bears into the crowd just to be funny. And they were like, that was $5,000 worth of raffle gifts you just threw into the crowd now. And I was like, um, sorry, I don't know what to do.

And then they were like, well, I don't know. Like, you might have to pay for that. Like his, you know? And then. And then I was like, all right. I mean, I guess if I have to do it, I'm sorry. And then again, his dad was like, fuck it, dude. It's polar bears. Just let him keep it. He was like, it was. He was like, that might have been the worst one of all three. I was like, thanks.

Oh, boy.

But they still like me.

You gotta say no to some gigs.

I do now. Now I do.

Yeah. You can't do that now.

I do.

You can't do either one of those three things. You can't go on after a video about kids with cancer. You can't go on during a rain delay when people don't know a comedian's coming and you're talking into this thing, and then they're in. You can't do that. You can't do a guy's birthday party with all. A billionaire's birthday party with no mic.

Yep.

They don't know you're coming, and they don't know who you are. You can't do either of those things.

Yeah, I wouldn't. I wouldn't now, but back then, I mean, it was, how long ago is this, the pandemic? So 20, it's like 2021. Like, world start. Open up a little bit. So that's now. And how about this now, because I've, you know, this is, this is what I don't like now. I'm, you know, because I'm Mets. I just like the Met. I like New York. But because I've talked about the Mets and went to Mets games, the Yankees, people used to give me tickets, won't give me tickets to the game anymore. They said, you're either with them or us. I was like, that's kind of a dickish move.

Wow.

You won't let me go to Yankee games. You know, they won't give you tickets anymore.

They say you're either with them or us.

Yeah. I used to be like, my thing is, what I've always cared about is, like, I want to be. I love New York. Right? I want to be the New York. Like a Colin Quinn. That's a mentor. I look up to Colin. He's the New York comic, Dave Attell. These are the guys, right? So that's the aspiration. So, like, going to the sporting events and people being like, chrissy, like, all that stuff is. Means everything to me. I mean, I want to sell out Milwaukee, too, but it's not. If it happens. Yeah, no, no, that's not it. That's not it. That's just me being an asshole. That wasn't it. Go back to this. Must have been 21 or 22. I'm sorry.

If you have someone find it. Yeah, Jamie will find.

It's. It's me on the jumbo. It's like I'm on the jumbotron with a floral print shirt. I look like a real asshole. But, but, yeah, they won't. You know, like, that's crazy with the Yankees.

They won't do make any sense.

They won't do it.

That's silly.

But, but so whatever I just deal with, I still root for them.

Not even the same league.

It's dumb. It's dumb.

One's american league. One's national League.

Exactly.

Mets national League. Right.

Yeah.

And I love is that, that doesn't make any sense.

I don't know. I mean, because, you know, you just deal with it. But what's the beautiful thing about comedy is, you know, when you put out the comedy work of the podcast is the players, the actual Yankee players, Anthony Rizzo, these guys, they've reached out and been like, oh, I like that bit. So they're like, text me if you want tickets. So that's good.

Now they'll let you in.

So they'll let me in. But these t, you know, the pr people who would give you the nice tickets, they said, that's not happening anymore. For the Yankees. For the Mets. The Mets were like, dude, we'll give you fucking dirt from the field, whatever you want. So I kind of, you know, you go to where you're wanted, right. That's just a normal life thing.

Sure.

Go where you wanted. Yeah. Mets people are rebels, rebels do it. But, so, but it was because, like.

People don't even think about the Mets outside of New York.

No, people think like the Yankees.

Like, if you think about New York, baseball, Yankees, that's what everybody thinks outside of New York. But in New York, it's the only place where people care about the Mets.

And you know what? The Mets, I would say the Mets fan base is a more radical fan base than the Yankees. The Mets. The Mets are. They will follow you anywhere.

Like the Chicago. Like Chicago Cubs. The Cubs.

Everybody loves the Cubs.

Yeah. Even though they couldn't win, everybody still love the Cubs.

Yeah, everyone loves to come. This edible is hitting me, by the way.

Chicago is the White Sox too, though, right?

The White Sox. But they're kind of in the, in the, in the not good part of town, supposedly. And the White Sox fans, like the Cubs. It's the Cubs. Are the Yankees in that city and.

Are the White Sox the Mets?

The White Sox would be the Mets, yeah. So it's kind of like, it's kind of that thing.

Not a whole lot of cities have two teams.

How many cities have two teams in baseball? Well, the Dodgers and the, and the Angels. But the Angels are so far outside. But that's one.

Anaheim, right? Yeah.

New York and Chicago. That's really all I can think of. And same with basketball. Like, you know, like nobody really cares about the Brooklyn Nets. It's all about the Knicks.

But LA is just the Dodgers. Like Anaheim is a different spot.

Right.

That's almost like San Diego.

Yeah, it's fine. San Diego's got teams.

You know that. They do, yeah.

The Padres, baby. The San Diego father.

San Diego.

Me too.

San Diego's fucked now, though.

Well, I thought.

Used to live there, say it's fucked. They went back. It's fucking tense everywhere.

Chaos, really, because I thought they were like the american freedom first type. Southern. Southern California city.

Well, there's a lot of military there. I mean, that's. That's the. The base of that, right?

Navy Seals, right?

Yeah, it's. There's a lot of bases there. We did. UFC's down there because it was always a place where there was. There's military bases, a lot of military. But then there's always fucking weirdos, you know, like Southern California, you know, and there's more of them than there are the military people.

Yeah, I.

And they vote in shitty politicians and. I know, and they let tents and all that shit happened. How bad is San Diego now? I think my buddy who just got back there, I mean, he. He said it was fucking awful.

Yeah, if they have the tents, that's good there.

And he bailed. They realized, like, during the pandemic, we gotta get the fuck outta here, dude.

My fucking feet are numb now.

From what?

The edible? Dude, I'm telling you, I can't. It just hits me. It's. It's what? I don't know if it's. If it's what it is, but it's. My feet are numb and.

Don't think about it. You think about yourself a lot, which.

Is selfish and narcissistic, and I don't like it about myself because you can just.

Can you just stop doing it while it's happening or is it just. Does it overcome you?

Do you.

But that's why I was thinking that maybe you needed another thing to think about.

Hmm.

Like another thing that you're into. Like a thing that's, like, totally non career related.

Like a. Like, you know, like painting or cooking.

Yeah, something.

Yeah.

Somewhere you really get into that thing. We think about that thing and, like, being better at that thing.

What about playing basketball again?

Sure. That's a great one. That's also a good one, too, because it's physical.

Yeah.

You know, and I think the things that are. That you get into that are physical require even more, because it require. Requires not just thinking, but it requires, like, execution. There's, like, a physical thing that you have to do.

Yeah. I was gonna do boxing a few years ago, and then the very first day I was there, a guy got into the ring and sparred and he was, you know, kind of being really like, you know, macho guy. And he was like, I'm not wearing a cup. And the trainer was like, you know, you should wear a cup. He's like, I'm not doing it. I'm not wearing a cup. I'm not wearing a headcan. He got hit in the nuts and his testicle came out of the scrotum. So that was my 1st 20 minutes there. So I was like, I'm probably not going to do this, even though I know that that's not most likely going to happen to me because I would wear the cup. But I was like, I just was like, you know what? If you see a man's testicle fall out of his nut sack, you're probably not going to go back to do that thing just because you just, you know, it just gives you. It makes you uncomfortable. But that's what happened to me. Yeah, but I do want to. I do. I do envy. I do feel like I don't.

I should know about MMA because not only is it such a cool sport, you can defend yourself. Also in the comedy community, it's big. I mean, the only fight I ever went to was a PFL fight, that, that, that league at the theater at Madison Square Garden. And the fans, they were, you know, I had never been. I don't know anything about MMA. It was a lot of recognition from the pods. Cause they were like, it's all one community. And so I was like, this could be my golf. This should be my golf. This is what you should get into. Not comparing that.

That would be very good for your anxiety, though, for sure, because it's very difficult. So it makes the rest of the.

Day a lot easier because when I tried one jujitsu class and I felt like I don't even know how, I don't blow out my knee. It's a statistical impossibility. I won't blow out my knee. I'm going to, of course this guy's going to follow me and I'm going to blow up my knee. But do you just deal with that and say, I'll get over that, or you just learn ways to not blow out your knee?

Well, I've had my knee blown out. I've had three knee operations.

So I'm just going to have to accept that if I want to move forward in MMA. You're going to blow your knee out.

Not necessarily. You could also strengthen your knees to make sure that it doesn't happen as often. There's a lot of stuff you could do to mitigate that. Also, just roll cautiously and be smart about it. And don't roll with crazy people. You see wild people that are just way too aggressive and explosive and they just do it in a haphazard way.

Don't fuck with those people because it's become second nature to you how to do these things. But someone like me, who has a bit of fear just from being older and not doing it, like my father learned how to drive when he was 45, so he's just a terrible driver and can't drive. Even though he's not scared of life stuff, he's gotten to fistfight stuff. He's like, I can't drive. I learned how to drive when I was 17. I'll drive with one arm. I'm in control. So I feel like that way with MMA, it's like now I've developed all these bad things that can you think, and I'm like, I can't do this. I can't even get into this.

The thing about MMA, if you want to get involved in that, I do the same thing as if boxing, the thing is getting hit and getting hit is not a small thing, it's a big thing. It's a bigger thing than people want to pretend it is. Getting hit in the head is really bad, and you're going to get hit in the head and you're going to get hit in the head quite a bit in the beginning because you're not good. And people, especially if someone is sparring you and it gets aggressive and you're going to get hurt. And that's just fact. That's just if you, especially if you're sparring now, if you're just learning skills, you can just learn skills with people. If you have a really good place that they can show you how to hit mitts, you can hit the bag, you get a great workout and you don't actually spar. Or if you do spar, you spar with an instructor who's going to be very gentle. So they're just going to be touching you, they're just going to be tapping you and explaining that you don't have to hit hard, you just have to use technique.

When you hit hard, hit the bag, you're not a professional, you're not thinking about taking on fights. There's no reason for you to get busted up. Let's just work on your skills.

Got it. So in some ways, then, it's like my fear of getting over anesthesia when I got the colonoscopy you just got to get hit a little bit, and you'll get over the fear. You'll understand. You can accept that.

The problem is, if you're sparring with another guy and you and the other, like, he hits you with a jab, and then you hit him with a jab, and he hits you a little harder, like, this guy's hitting hard, then you start hitting each other hard, and next thing you know, you're fighting. That happens all the time. That's all the time. So sparring oftentimes turns into, like, a real fight. Yes, with big gloves and pads on.

And I've only ever been in two fist fights my whole life. My first fist fight, I punched this kid Glenn in the face, thinking, I'm gonna knock him off his bicycle and I'll win. And he didn't even move a muscle, and then he beat the shit out of me. And then the second. And then the second fight I got into was just like a bar brawl, and I got hit, but I got hit, like, in the back, shoulder wasn't too bad. And then I just kind of. I never really got beat up hard.

Like, you know, like, I know it's not necessary. You don't have to get beat up. But just learning how to defend yourself would just help for sure. Help anxiety, and it's like, for a lot of people, it's like meditation. It's like medication, in fact, for a lot of people. And jiu jitsu is a really good one because there's a possibility of you getting injured with any combat sport, it's a possibility of you getting injured. But Jiu jitsu, at least you're not getting hit. You know, jiu jitsu is clinching and chokeholds and arm bars and leg locks and stuff, but you can learn those things if you do it with a good school that has a good ethic about them, you could do it pretty safely.

Yeah, because I'm a person, you know, we talk about it, we get excited about it, but sometimes I don't put these things into practice, even though I know stand up is. You're doing a diff. We're doing difficult things here, but other things, I'm like. Like, for example, when I, you know, in the middle of the pandemic or whatever, 2022, some time around there, I got nervous about. I got a. I don't know how to fight. I got to defend my house. And there was at times talks of some type of, what if a nuclear bomb went off here because things are getting tight with Russia? Before they invaded Ukraine. So I came home one day with a night vision goggles, a 30 day supply of powdered fettuccine Alfredo, and a gun. And I don't know how to use the gun and iodine tablets. And so I did all these things, and then I was like, well, now what? My family was laughing at me, like, what is any of this stuff gonna do? You can't do any of this shit. And I was like, you're right. And I kind of just made a decision. But I don't put things into practice, so I wanna make a choice to say, if you're gonna talk about it, then do it.

You know, go do MMA. Go try it.

Is there a place that you could go to that you know about?

Well, there's that grace. You know, I live 15 minutes from Midtown, and that. The place that Anthony Bourdain was always in.

Kenzo gracie.

Yes. The main headquarters right there. Great place. And I always see guys walking in and out of there. Yeah. Go there dripping sweat.

You're close to that.

15 minutes.

Go there.

That's the spot. Go there.

Go take classes. Yeah. Perfect place to go. Yeah.

And that's the workout for the day. That's the hardest workout that you'll ever do.

Very hard. Yeah, very hard.

Yeah.

And it's good for your brain. The thing about it is it's really good for your head, because you just. It's so difficult that it makes. It really does make the rest of life's difficulties easier.

That's a good.

It's a safe control. Difficult. Like, you. There's like, if a guy gets you in a chokehold, you try to fight out of it. You can't. You could tap, and then you go right back to training again.

And I won't be made fun of that. I'm 30. Like an old.

No, they encourage you. They're welcome you.

Yeah.

A lot of people get into it, and they're 40. If Bourdain didn't even start until he was in his fifties.

What?

Yeah. Like, Bourdain was like, 62 when he died, I think. Is that how old he was?

I'm not sure.

How old was he, Jamie? I think he got into jiu jitsu when he was 58.

He was about to turn 62. Yeah. Damn.

So when I did his show, I did one of the episodes of his show. We went pheasant hunting in Montana together, so flew to Montana and Bourdain and I. And he's talking about Dar's jokes, and they're like, we're in the middle, like, we're out there pheasant hunting. And then I go, do you know how to do a japanese necktie? And he goes, what that? And I go, when you go in for the dar, sometimes you can't get the Darus, but you can get the japanese necktie. Let me show you. And so we're on the ground. On the fucking ground. And I'm showing him, okay, now you got this. Once you got this here. You're always looking for this, right? Cause that's the Darius. I go, but from here, I'm gonna tuck your head into my chest, and I'm just gonna roll on my right shoulder. I go, yeah, that's fucked, right?

Wow.

Roll on my left shoulder. I go, that's the japanese necktie. So I'm explaining him the japanese necktie on the ground.

That's great.

The camera crew is there and shit. And I'm like, go ahead, try it on me. Now he's got his friend Josh. Josh is doing jiu jitsu, too. He's like, get in here. So he did here now from here. So this is. Josh is a big guy. I was like, it's hard to get this through, right? But you don't have to get this through. Once you get this clamp, I just want you to tuck that head and then roll on this shoulder. And they're like, oh, shit. So we were, like, rolling around dirt in Montana. That's how into it he was.

Did they air that they cared about? They should.

No, no, they didn't air.

Oh, that'd be sick.

It was just us shooting birds and eating them. It was really fun. It was a really fun experience. He was a fucking fascinating guy.

When I watched. I always watch if it's on the plane, though. It's his documentary, Roadrunner that they made. I think after hit, after he passed away, and it was amazing. He said something once where he was like, you know, I. Cause sometimes I think about this, you know, when you get a little older, even though you're not super old, but you start to think, like, hey, are my best years behind me? Like, what? You know, what is life? What's the next things? And I heard him say, he was like, you know, when I. He only became famous or, like, people knew his name and read his book when he was 43 years old. He said, so I was sitting there at 42 years old thinking, whatever. All my fun, all my drug days, all my wild. It's all over. I'm in the back half of my life now. And this is what life's gonna be. He goes, and I didn't realize that it was gonna be the next 20 years of my life that would, like, be me. Be, like, the best years of my life. And I never, like, heard someone talk about it that way, or it was like, you.

I know. We know that, like, you never know what tomorrow holds. Our whole lives can change an instant. But sometimes, you know, I can't help but feel like, oh, you know, I'm coming into my forties now. You know, like, what? But when I heard bourdain, I was like, oh, that's a very hopeful way to. That's a very hopeful thing.

There's no roadmap for everybody.

Yeah.

You know, and sometimes the more interesting people are the people that lived their entire lives never thinking they were going to be famous and then became famous. Like, Jordan Peterson is a great example that, like, he was a professor. Just, like, it was opposed to this bill that would cause people to have to be forced, mandated to use a bunch of made up gender pronouns. And he's like, this is crazy. Like, you can't allow this. This is just going to spiral, and it's going to snowball into something else. So he becomes famous in his forties, which is a very difficult thing for people to deal with.

Almost impossible.

It's possible.

Morgan Freeman is the only other one. Rodney Dangerfield are the only other two big names that I know.

Rodney's a big one.

Right?

Rodney was a aluminum siding salesman. Wild. Yeah. And never stopped writing. Apparently. He was always writing jokes during that time, but he'd quit doing comedy and just went back to regular life and then said, fuck it, I'm going back in and, like, back to school and all those movies. I mean, Rob was huge. It's crazy, like, how many people are like that out there that could have made it and just didn't and just stopped. Just stopped. Or got whatever demons they had got the best of them, which is a lot of us.

Yeah.

I mean, there's a lot of guys out there that have demons, and their demon might be cocaine. They're dealing alcohol, gambling, whatever it is. There's, like, a demon that gets people.

And just gets you, and it's also timing. Right place, right time. I didn't know this about sports, but, like, you know, like, the same way. Like, we know funny, funny, funny people that just never really made it for whatever reason. It actually happens in sports, too. I thought sports being objective was being like, oh, the best player will get discovered. But it's like, no, you got to have the right connections, you got to play in the right tournaments to get noticed by the professional teams. And there's, there's players, there's, there's a guy out there who would have been as good as, you know, the Michael Jordan and the Kobe's of the world, but he just never made it. He never got in front of the right people.

Well, it's also a discipline thing. Like sometimes people are very, very talented and they really could be amazing, but they just. Because talent sometimes can fuck you. Because if you're really talented, you don't have to work as hard. If you're better than everybody else, you can kind of half ass things and you can get through things without even training. Jon Jones is so talented. He defended his title against Alexander Gustafson, who's one of the best guys ever in the light heavyweight division and didn't even train for it, didn't even train.

For it and won.

And it was the hardest fight of his career because he was getting beat up in the first few rounds and he pulled it off in the last two rounds. That's where when he won the decision, it was a crazy fight. First time he's ever been taken down. I mean, he got busted up, got a big cut over his eyes. I was swollen up. But he's so talented that he's able to be one of the best guys in the division without even training. Then he has a rematch with him later where he says, now I'm going to fucking train. And he just annihilates him.

Yeah, it's crazy. I tell him that he's the most, he's the most talented one. People argue of all, of all the fighters, he's very arguable.

He's certainly the most accomplished. He's beaten every single person he's ever faced, except there's only one loss that he has. It's a disqualification in a fight that he was dominating. The Gustafson fight was close, though, and he had a gut, but he didn't even train. There was fighters that he was fighting where he just, he was so much better than everybody that the way they would describe is like he was playing with his food. He wasn't threatened by them, so he wasn't fighting to the best of his ability.

So does a guy like Jon Jones, you think, have some type of fear in the ring, or do you kind of lose that? When you become a guy of his level at this stuff?

I think you're always going to have some doubts and thoughts that enter into your head. But a guy who's that dominant, knows how to dominate those thoughts, knows how to, like, overcome them. You don't let them in. You know, you're going to have anxiety, going to have nerves, but you just don't let them in. Some guys don't have nerves. Like Justin Gaethje says he doesn't get any nerves. He says it kind of freaks me out how I get in there and I'm not even nervous.

Hmm. Yeah. But that's interesting, because if, you know, you could be killed by some of these high level guys. Right. Even the best fighters, it's possible you get a hit in the head the wrong way.

Well, that's one of the crazy things that Justin says. It's when he goes to fights. He never plans anything for after the fight because he doesn't assume he's going to be alive.

Wow. Yeah, that's pretty, that's pretty deep.

Well, that's how he fights, too. That's really how he fights.

That's interesting. I kind of, I respect that a lot.

He's a psycho. Yeah, yeah, he's born for it.

Well, I. Yeah, it's. The human brain's a funny thing. I mean, I don't feel 1oz of anxiety on stage, whether I'm bombing, doing well. Zero. Always been that way. Zero. I. So it's all offstage, after the fact, before the leading up and after is where all the anxiety hits me or really would spin me out of control and better at controlling it now. But on stage, I mean, truly zero. Like, I literally was having so much anxiety. I told you, I sold my house because of Radio City, and then I was on stage at Radio City and not an ounce of anxiety. The unfortunate thing is, as much as people tell me, be in the moment for these big things, slow it down, all that. I tell myself I'm doing it, but I never have any memory of it, and I never kind of, you know, take over the night like I did Radio City people. What'd you do after? Where was the after party? Where'd you go? I said I was in bed at 11:00 with my family. I was in bed. The show ended at nine. I was in bed at eleven on the night, my biggest night.

And I don't know why. That's just how I. That's just how I am.

There's nothing wrong with that.

No, yeah.

There's nothing wrong with, like, just going on with your life. You don't have to celebrate.

Right. Yeah.

It's not necessarily a bad thing.

Yeah, but, like, you've had, you know, so far, a very, very, very cool life. Do you feel, though, at times even you have FoMo? And I'm like, shit, I wish I would have did something else, or you don't feel that anymore? You were you always that way or you got to this way after, you know, just amounting success?

No, I genuinely don't think that way from day one. No. One thing that I used to do when I was on fear factor, though, I would. I would be jealous of guys that were on the road. Like, God, I wish I could go do the road right now. I just couldn't. I just.

There was.

The schedule was so hard. It was very difficult to just do just comedy. And the guys who were just doing comedy, I would admire that.

I'd.

God, I wish I could just do comedy because fear factor, as great of a job as it was, was a job. It was something I was doing just for money. I do stand up for free, like, I do guest spots all the time for free. Just show up and do comedy for free. You work for free. But that's how comedy is. It's fun. I don't think about it. Like, we enjoy doing it.

Yeah.

We constantly are working out. If you're working out in the city, like, what are you getting for a spot?

$20.

Yeah, it's nothing. It's nonsense. You get a free drink at $20. You're doing it to work.

I give it to the waitress. Yeah. You know. Yeah, for sure. Yeah, I.

Comedy store would always cost me money. What I pay out in tips. It would be way more than I would make for doing a set.

When I was one thing that always stuck with me when I was in 8th grade, at the same time, I had mono and my mom had gout, so she. No, none of us could. We just couldn't move. I fucking had mono and she couldn't move her foot. So she got us cable television, and we watched cable, and they would show reruns of Oprah, the Oprah Winfrey show. My mom would just watch it, and I remember one day, and it's like advice that just stuck in my head. Oprah was on, I think was one of the first times she was on with doctor Phil. Oprah was on. And she said, you know, the thing about success is real successful people is the money always comes second. It's the passion first, and then the money comes second. If you reverse it and you go after the money first, you may get success, but there's a negative karmic energy attached to that money. So the only way to do it the right way is you go passion first, and then the money will always come, but it will come second. And I don't know, I was like, in a fever mono dream, and I just always remember and I was always stayed with me my whole life.

And that's why I brought up before, I was like, when I saw you kind of, you know, hammering out your set, I was like, oh, shit, this is, this is why. It's the passion is there. You couldn't pay him? Not pay him. If you were at this level, not at this level, you'd be still the guy hammering out the hour.

Yeah, but that's. If you have the ability to do that. Like, what Oprah's saying is true, but it's easy for people to say that that have already been successful. That's like that whole secret thing. Remember the secret?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Where people like, you just gotta manifest things and they'll happen. Have a vision board, sort of. If you talk to successful people, they'll tell you that they probably did that, but they probably did a lot of things. That's one factor. And people want to pretend. People want to. Excuse me. People want to pretend that it's insignificant. That's foolish. It is a factor, but the people that want to pretend that it's the whole thing, that's foolish as well, because you can't just manifest things. I remember we were at the comic store once, and there was this lady that came to the store who was a friend of one of the comics, and she was telling me that she is following the secret. She's like, I have the secret now. And now I know that I am going to be married to the person that I love, and I'm going to have an amazing career and all these different things. As I go, I go. So you're confident in this? Sure. I think this was, I don't know if I had seen the movie yet, because I remember when I saw the movie, I was like, whoa, these people are out of their fucking minds.

I was like, there's a lot more to it, kids, than just this. You can't have a bunch of people just thinking they're gonna manifest themselves being a rock star. It's gonna happen. I'm gonna make it happen. No, there's a lot of things you have to do. There's a lot of work involved, a lot of learning. You gotta make mistakes and recover from those mistakes and do better and write better stuff and perform better and get better at. And you have to do stuff that people actually enjoy. So what do people enjoy about my work? What am I missing that other people have? There's a lot that goes on. It's not just, I want to be a rock star. I'm going to make it happen. So this lady was telling this to me, and this was the only time I'd ever met her, but we had to. We were all hanging out in the back of the comedy store. So she was out there for a couple hours, right? So then I saw her again, like a year or two years later. I was doing a show at another club, and I ran it to her outside.

I go, hey, how you doing? She goes, last time we talked, we talked about the secret. And she goes, it's not been working. She's like, she's like, I don't understand. My father is a ma. Like, her father was, like, messing up her life. I don't know what was going on. And she was like, and I haven't found that relationship and my career isn't going well. And we had a very brief conversation. I was like, damn.

Yeah, good to see you. Bye.

And I was leaving, and I was gone. And then I remember thinking, like, people that thought that way, that really believed you can hear that from a successful person. I just knew I had a vision. I stuck with that vision. I made it happen. So there was a lot of people running around during these days, like the early two thousands that had this thing in their head that they could manifest a reality.

Yeah. And I think it's become a popular thing, especially in this culture, where it's like, be a boss, be the best. It's like, that's not how society works. Society would crumble. You need people who don't want to do that. You need people who are saying, I'm okay not being the boss. I'm okay not being the best. You need that.

Well, also, and I can tell you, like, in my own life, like, doing this podcast specifically, I fucking never thought it was gonna be what it is. I never even imagined it. I didn't want it to be. I never was a thought. It was never, I want this thing to be. I want to have 15 million subscribers. No, I never, never. Not one time. The whole thought was, do your best. Who do you want to talk to? What's interesting? Have an interesting conversation. Stay in the moment. Just do your best.

Well, and also correct me if I'm wrong. By the time you started your podcast, you were already successful. You're already the host. You're already kind of a household name, I'm sure, financially successful. So you didn't need it for the money. You were like, I just want to talk to my friends. Yeah.

I was just doing it for fun. I always wanted a radio show. I'm like, no one's going to give me a radio show. And also, I'd probably swear I'd fuck it up.

Right?

And then there was XM, and back at the time, accent wasn't giving anybody any money. They had. All their money was going, Howard Stern, Sirius XM, whatever it is. The whole.

I think it still is the big thing.

Do they still call it Sirius XM?

Still Sirius XM. And I've heard that it's just. It's. It's. Howard's money has some. Well, first hour he leaves there.

Fucked.

Oh, yeah.

Because that's, like, how many subscribers?

Yeah. Will.

Will bail when that guy leaves.

Dude, I did Howard Stern show three months ago, and I thought he wasn't in the room, but the way they have that set up is you really believe he's in the room. Like, almost like a hologram speaker. Three tricked you, dude. I was talking to Howard Stern, but he was in Long island or wherever he was, Florida, and I was in. In the city. It was actually pretty crazy, because, you know, it's. It's Howard. It's. It's like. It's a big, big, big deal. It's almost like a surreal New Yorker. Of course. Yeah. It's almost like a surreal thing. We're like, this is Howard Stern. What? And they told me they were like, you're going to go on for five minutes. So I was prepared to do that. It was. They had a segment on there where they. I forgot what the name of it was, but you have to guess this guy's sexual fetish, and the guy's fetish was that he liked his nuts and dick. Taped. Nailed to the wall. That's what he was into.

Dick.

Yes.

Nailed to the wall.

Nailed to the wall with a fucking nail gun. Yeah, it was. That's. That was when we had to guess it little by little.

God damn. So it was even stand for that.

He loved it.

Dude, you have to, like, get your dick on the side of a wall. How do you find it out?

How do you get there?

How do you find that? Yeah. Very good question, Jamie. It's a very good question.

He would stick. When he was a kid. When he was a kid, when he would get yelled at by his mom and dad, he would stick, you know, safety pins. He would stick safety pins through his dick and balls, like, as a way to cope with it all.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. That's so crazy.

Yeah, so you just ramp up from there. Rock hard, he said, by the way, he was rock hard on the show when he was taping his nuts to the wall.

God.

So we had to. We had to guess it. We had to guess it. And he was like, you know, it was like this thing where they were like, the producer, like, hey, he's gonna talk to you for five minutes. Just get to know you, your name. What do you do? Comedy, you know, whatever. And then you're gonna get into this segment. And I was like, okay, great. Baba booie. Gary, you know, is the one who hooked it all up. And I was like, great, dude. Five minutes. That's awesome. Like, excellent. And then so we go. We're starting to talk. I don't know what I said. I said something stupid, and he started to laugh. And then he was like, wait a second, wait a second, wait a second. What is it? Who are you? And I was like, you know, on the show, I was like, hey, my name is what I do. Blah, blah, blah, blah. We start. We talked for, like, an hour and a half. I'm like, I got, like, a real Howard Stern interview then. And then we did. We did the bit at the end. You know, I didn't have any good guesses.

And then. And then, like, 20 minutes later, I get a call from a random number, and I pick up, and he's like, hey, it's Howard. And I thought initially was one of my friends doing, like, an impersonation, like, because they knew I was on Howard. He happens live. And then he was like, no, it's me. It's Howard. He was like. He was like, man, that was. That was great. He was like, you just. I don't know. Like, just whatever you're doing, just keep doing it. He was like, I was very engaged with that stuff, man. He was like, so, so good. And then I was like, okay, thanks. And then hung up. And then I was like, holy shit. Did that really just fucking happen from comedy? And I felt really positive. I still feel really positive and great about that, but sometimes my brain can't hold on to that for too long, and then what will happen is we'll say, okay, well, let's balance it. Let's catholic guilt come in. Let's balance it and make ourselves not believe him in some way. You know what I mean? And so I hear from you a lot.

You'd be able to kind of take that confidence, which is a beautiful thing, and just kind of have it make you stronger and say, all right, I'm going to keep going up where I look for a way down from it to balance. So I fight against that. But I'm getting close. And I do think the next time I come on this podcast, I'll be fully. I'll be fully gay.

Oh, okay.

I'll be fully in.

Okay. I don't. I don't think too much about myself.

Right.

I try to just think about life, and I think about what I'm trying to do.

Right.

You know, whatever thing I'm trying to be good at, that's how I handle it. I think dwelling too much about yourself is not. It's like every comic has a tendency towards narcissism. I don't think that should be encouraged. I don't. I don't find any benefit to it.

Even you do. You think you have a bad. Do you have.

Everybody does.

I think we just have it, right?

Everybody does.

Yeah.

That's why you want to look good. You want to sound good. You want people to admire you.

Right?

People think you're doing well.

Right.

All that stuff. But don't. Don't feed that. You know, like, yeah, that's what it is.

Feeding it.

Don't feed it. Think about the thing. Like, whatever you're doing, whatever your art form is, you know, relationships or friendships or. Think about those things.

Keep the good wolf for the bad wolf. Yeah. Yeah, that's good. I like that. Don't think about you.

Think about the thing you're trying to do and just be the best you can at the thing. The best you could be at the thing is everything you could ever ask for of yourself. And the only thing that's going to get in the way of that is doubts, lack of discipline, lack of talent, lack of hard work.

Yeah.

Work ethic is a lot. There's a lot of people that, like, substitute work ethic for anxiety. They substitute work ethic for a bunch of, like, bullshit thinking that just distracts them from doing what they really should be doing, which is working, getting stuff done, because, like, what is the thing you're trying to feel? You've the only. When I, like, there's a giant difference. Like, if I am in my office, there's a giant difference between how I feel if I just watch YouTube videos, even if it's, like, an interesting thing, it's a giant difference between how I feel that then if I go over my material and I start writing and I write a new tagline. I write a new joke. I have a new premise. I have a new thing. I put it in my phone. Now I go to bed. I feel great. Now I feel good. So it's like, you gotta learn, like, what is the thing that helps? The thing that always helps my mental state is to be. To be engaged in a thing and to be creative and to try to figure this thing out and then do the work that you need to be doing for your career, for the thing that you love, which is comedy, right.

Or whatever it is. Or even podcasting.

Do that.

Work on that thing.

Right?

Work on the thing. And then when you're done, you feel good. If you're just fucking off, you just feel like a loser. And if you feel like a loser and you start feeling that maybe that's who I am, and then you have imposter syndrome, and then it looks. Just be professional. Just get it?

Yeah.

Do the things you have to do. And then if I do all that stuff, then I can actually enjoy a movie. I can sit down and enjoy a movie. I fucking did everything I'm supposed to do. I can enjoy anything. But if I have, like, in my head, like, I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be doing. I'm not doing the work I'm supposed to be doing, then I feel like a loser. So it's like, just do the work, and then you don't feel like loser. And then you could be sociable. Then you're fun to hang out with. Cause you're not, like, overwhelmed. Like, your mind is not on this thing that you should really be doing. Instead of being here at this party with your friends, you really should be at home working on that thing. Get all that shit done so that you don't feel bad.

See? Cause I hear you, and I think that that's 100% accurate. But a lot of times, I don't know what it is.

You need a coach yourself.

Well, that's what it is. And I think. But I do think a lot of this stuff is baked into some of that catholic guilt. I do think. I do think you can't feel good about yourself because it subconsciously tells you, well, then you're something bad now will happen. Right. It's this weird thing that. So I think sometimes I flirt with that because I pretty much, you know, I do my writing and I do kind of say, all right, get into comedy. Got the whole family behind you. You need to do this. Let's do this. But sometimes it's that catholic guilt. But I'm at a point in my life now. I'm reading this book, case for Christ. You ever read this book, no? Case for Christ by this guy, Lee Strobel. I was very mad at Catholicism for a very long time because I grew up catholic when I was 17, when our brains are forming is when all the catholic shit came out, the priests raping and all that stuff. And I was like, well, fucking. I have catholic tattoos all over my body already. What am I supposed to do now? I can't this.

I'm like, want to rip my tattoos off? And I was very angry for a while initially. Didn't want to get my kids baptized. Came around, did it. But then I read this book, case for Christ, and I was like, wow, this guy's putting forward, like, very compelling arguments for, like, not only Jesus's existence, but his actual, like, works. Being real, like. Like, this all being fucking pretty real and pretty historically accurate. And I was like, oh, shit. And then. So I started to, like, go back a little bit. Right. And I started to say, you know, because some of the things I'm even talking about on the show are kind of like, you know, it's still me, but it's like, it's not as. It's not as much as me anymore, because I start to go back to church, and I start to feel like this, like, just, like, calmness and almost, like, even if it's forced, like, this forced connection.

Let me give you some advice.

Yes.

You know what your problems are, right. And you know how you're doing when you're doing your best, and you know the things that you're doing that lead you to go astray, to go haywire. Right? You know that, right?

I think so, yeah.

You're really aware of that. If you were a coach and you were looking at you and, you know, all this information, you would give yourself very solid advice. Right.

You would think I could. Right.

Do that then, right. Just have a coach in your head. That's what I do. I have, like, a part of my head that's like, the general that just tells me what the fuck we're doing.

Yeah.

Like, I don't want to do this. The general says, shut the fuck up and let's go.

Right.

I listen to that part. I, like, have that. That part in my head.

Right.

It's always there. That knows, this is gonna be fine. You know what? You know how? Handle this. Just handle it. Deal with it. Breathe, go through it, move on. Have, like, a set in your head of ideals.

Yeah.

Of behavior that you're tolerating behavior that you're not tolerating.

Right.

The way to handle things when things come up. And don't just dwell on every problem every day. Instead, have this. This, like, right thing, very rigid in your head. This is what we're gonna do. Write it down. Write it down. Write down on a piece of paper if this comes up. This is what we do, right? We don't do this. We don't dwell on stupid shit. We don't worry about nonsense. We don't fucking fret about. We don't sell our house because there's not a bagel shop close even though there was. Yes, there's. You don't write those things down. Write those things down. Like, give yourself, like, rock solid rules, right?

No.

Then go to those rules. Every time something comes up, instead of just, like, riffing it, just winging it, being lost in this world of, like, management of anxiety, like, have rigid ideas in your head of how you're gonna handle it. It seems like you've gotten through the worst parts, right? Like, it sounds like your anxiety during basketball was fucking crazy.

Nuts, dude.

That sounds crazy.

I used to bite my toenails off till they bled because my nails, because I went through my fingernails.

That's crazy.

Yeah.

So you got through that. So you got through the worst. So you know how bad it can be when it goes sideways and you know how to coach yourself. Write all this stuff down. Write it down in the future. Write down. Like, this is. This is. These are problems that come up, and this is how I'm gonna avoid these problems.

Well, you know what? You know what I think happens, too, is because of podcasting, sometimes I'm like. Cause my girl said something to me once. Interesting. She was like, you know, on these podcasts, you talk about all these issues you have and whatever. She was like, but at home, you're like, not that guy. Like, I don't know. Like, this stuff is like, you're never, like, talking to us about it. You're never acting like that. Like, she was like, I see you writing and doing things, but then you go on the pod and you're like, look at this fucking. Look at my brain. So she's like, what? Like, don't feel like you have to just go on a podcast and to try to be interesting. Say all your.

She was like, do you feel that?

Sometimes? What? I never did until she said it. I'm like, you know, I'll come onto a podcast. Like, I came on today and said, chris, just come on. Be confident, be who you are. Project yourself. You're doing good, Joe. And you, are you closer now than you were two times? Just shut up and do it. And then immediately I'm like, I'm a mistake.

Damn.

So that's. That's who I am.

Right. But you're not that way when you're at home. You're not that way when you're at your best.

According to my family, I wasn't that way into it.

You might be leaning into it. It might be a problem, because, like, it does. You do kind of think it's something to talk about that's interesting. And so you lean into it and you make it worse.

Yeah. Cause, I mean, yesterday in the green room, I wasn't like that. We were just fucking talking around, hanging out. And I'll be that way tonight.

You didn't even seem a little anxious yesterday.

No.

Especially for someone who hadn't done stand up in six weeks.

No, I went out there yesterday, I hadn't eaten, and I did a 24 hours fast. So I was just, I was like, in my body yesterday. I felt like a lot of, I mean, I know you've done it before, but when you get on those fasts and just get like, all this energy, like, I couldn't even sleep.

Yeah, it's weird, isn't it? Yeah, I just loved it. Yeah. The fact you get energy from fasting is very strange. I've done a lot of 24 hours. I haven't done anything more than that, though. I've been thinking about doing one of them three day ones.

Yeah.

People I know that did three day ones.

I heard that. That's. I heard that George St. Pierre talk about. He does it three or four times a year.

I think it's probably really good to give your digestion a chance to rest.

Like. Yeah.

Just constantly eating food, your body's like, Jesus. Like, more work. Like, give it some time off.

Do you think it's possible, like, in ancient times, that, because sometimes in the Bible they'll say people live to 400, 500 years old. Do you think it's not 400? But do you think it's possible people were living to as long as 120 years old back then?

Yeah, maybe 120. Yeah. In a rare genetic case with very good nutrition in a blue zone, someplace where there's a lot of minerals in the water, yeah, you might be able to. It's possible 120s people have gotten there before, but the 500 years old, like Noah.

Well, I think it's true, but I think it's one of those things where they probably just took birth. They took records differently back then. Like, I think in China, I think you only celebrate your birthday once every ten years.

Wow.

So you could be like, oh, I'm 500, but you're really not.

Well, that would mean you're five. Yes, exactly 50.

Right.

But I think, I think, you know, human beings biologically, the only thing that's going to change how we age is science. And they're pretty close to being able to do that with a lot of things. And there's a few things you could do to mitigate aging today. And it does work. It does help you. But 500 years old, it's most likely that they just didn't know what the fuck they were talking about.

350 years after the flood, he died at the age of 950. There you go. Terra was 128.

Noah, pedophile, extremely long lived antiluvian patriarchs, died 350 years after the flood, at the age of 950, when Terah was 128. The maximum human lifespan as depicted by the Bible gradually diminishes thereafter from almost 1000 years to 120 years of Moses.

See what I'm saying? Now, that's Old Testament. So, you know, I don't know. A lot of that stuff was story stuff. But, dude, I'm telling you, this book case for Christ, the fucking history, it's not, it's not even an opinion. He's not saying I want you to believe. He's like, here's the history. Here's why we. Dude, so, like, if I told you, if I said to you, Joe, you believe everything you've heard about Alexander the Great, right? You believe it. You believe it. You know, he's fought in these battles. What they say that you just believe it's Alexander the Great. I'll read his biography. You'd say, yeah, sure. But then you'd be like, oh, but I know, I don't believe they made the shit up about Jesus, okay, Alexander the Great. Because what you'll always hear is, well, the gospels were written 100 plus years after Jesus died. Alexander the Great's first biography was written like 300 years after he died. So that right there is like, well, his Jesus is. The historians of Jesus were much closer in time than, say, Alexander the Great. And even furthermore, back then, like the ancient Hebrews, they didn't have before writing, they didn't write anything.

So they would memorize the Old Testament and the scripture so that you had guys that they would pass down, right? They knew 5000 pages of book inside of their head. So yes, the gospels were 70 years later, but they were based off the accounts of people who were living at that time and up to, like, 25 years after it. And they say, oh, well, game of telephone. I can tell you something goes around the room telephone. By the time it gets to me, you know, ten people. What you just said is irrelevant. It's a totally different thing. I get it. But what they said is because of that ancient thing of, you know, kind of having to pass down these old testaments. Cause they couldn't write. It would be like if you're playing a game of telephone, but every person, I check with the person before to make sure the word I'm saying is right. And then I keep going. So then it's gonna work because you're constantly checking. So that's what they said happened there. And I was like, okay, well, okay.

That's a little bit of confirmation bias because the real problem is, like, who said it originally?

So when.

Who decided what the words were originally?

Okay, that I get. I get that. Which is true. But just for Jesus, there was. This book was saying that the reason why they believe the historical accuracy of it is because his basically, his haters and the disciples were both saying the same thing. So you have the Roman saying, yeah, this is what happened. Who hated him. And at that point would be like, get this guy out of here. He's basically causing a revolt. That's why we have to kill him. He's like a somebody getting, you know, a protester today. They were like, fuck this guy. He's out, right? And so they were saying, yeah, what you're saying happened. And then the disciples are saying it like a big thing is the resurrection, right? People say, really? He fucking resurrected from the dead? And you're like, well, everybody agreed. Haters, Romans, and the Israel, jewish people, everybody agreed he died. That's 100%. That's why when they stab him and you say water came out. It wasn't water. It was fluid from his lungs because he was dead. And that's what would happen to you or I when we die. We have this lung fluid that comes out.

So that's what they said. Oh, that's water. And that's what they made him, divinity. But it was like a natural thing. He's dead. Everyone agrees. And you say, well, they buried him in a tomb, and then the next day or three days later, the tomb's empty. And people like, so you know, that made up. And they say 500 people saw him in the town. Romans and Hebrew. They saw him over the next couple of weeks. They. 500 independently sourced people. Real, like, corroborated 500 people saw him. So you say, okay, so there's that. And then the other conspiracy theory is like, well, the disciples robbed his body. The disciples just robbed his body because they didn't want him. They would hand over crucifixion victims to, like, the wild dogs. That used to be the way it was. If you got crucified, throw you in a pit, wild dogs eat you or leave you on the cross, birds will eat you. That's how we deal with you. So they're like, that's why they were taking his body. And then you see that, well, that's probably not what happened. And the Romans themselves acknowledged there's no body in that tomb that we put in there three days ago.

The body is not there, and we did it. So in order to save ourselves, we're going to say the apostles robbed it. But in reality, that's just a conspiracy because the apostles would have no reason to rob it. That would.

So the Romans think the apostles robbed the body.

That's a conspiracy.

Why do you say conspiracy? Well, you're saying a conspiracy to diminish the story.

No, no, I meant. I meant conspiracy in the sense of that's what people say as a reason why the.

Did the Romans say that?

The Romans have said that. The Romans said that back then. And then I guess conspiracy is the wrong word because I'm not. I'm not like, it's. It's one story, one explanation. I'll say explanation of.

But if you'd looked at it like, what's the most logical explanation? Is the most logical explanation that a dead guy came back to life or the most logical explanation that someone took his body? Because that's what the Romans said.

I'm just. Because I'm in. I'm saying that that is came back to life one time. And I'm not saying I'm crazy about it. I'm just saying, you know what? After reading that book, there was enough things that happened that historical scholars who aren't religious, some are believers, some are not, right? Are. Like, this existed and this happened.

But you're talking about historical scholars from 2000 years ago. And their knowledge of science and biology and life and the universe itself was extremely limited.

Right?

And so their, their entire fundamentals, like everything they believed in was based on mythology. Everything was based on gods and. And. And demons and.

Okay, so then what about this? All right, fine. What if the Romans. Okay, they made it up, right? I mean. I'm sorry. I mean, the Romans are correct. The disciples took the body who everyone agreed was dead? What about the 500 people that saw him in the town over the next six weeks?

Did you talk to those people?

No.

So who knows what they believed? But who knows what they actually believed? Who knows how they said it? Who knows if it was a religious thing? Look, there's. There's people that have mass hallucinations all the time about a lot of things, and there's people that you could give them false memory. False memory is a real thing. Someone can convince you that something happened that didn't happen, right? It's real. It's like they've demonstrated how to do it. We all know friends that have a memory of something, and you go, that's not what happened. And then you say your version of it, and then everybody has to figure out what really happened, right? Like, do you remember that time we're at the game and you said this? I didn't say that. Like, that was not me. Yeah, that was Mike.

Yeah, yeah.

You're like, what?

Yeah, yeah.

You remember Mike lost his job, right? He was drunk. Do you remember? And they're like, oh, yeah. Like, you thought it was me. You put it on me. It's like, yeah, you change things. Like, people change things, right? They also. Your memory becomes a memory of your memory and not the actual memory itself.

True.

It becomes a memory of the story you're telling. And so if this person was this significant religious guru figure, like Jesus was, right, and he really does have this amazing view of how humanity can live in harmony, and he really does talk to people about this, and he really does preach forgiveness, and he really does, like, treat everybody like they're the same. Paupers and hookers. Everyone's just God's children. Loved. When that guy's gone, you're going to miss him, man. You're going to miss him bad. If you really do have a fundamental view of reality that's based entirely on myth, and you have connected this guy to the son of Christ or the son of God, rather, this figure that is brought here to save us. And the Romans took him from us and killed him, and now he died for our sins. And the whole thing, if you have that in your head, and then someone says, I saw him. Like, I saw him too. People see the Virgin Mary in a fucking grilled cheese sandwich. People see things. It doesn't mean those things aren't there. It doesn't mean that isn't a vision, but it also does mean that people see things that aren't.

And there's a lot of people that are not that bright, they're not smart, and they're easily led, and they're easily manipulated. It also doesn't mean that Jesus wasn't real. All those things. But it's just the likelihood of someone coming back to life is very low.

Right.

The likelihood of someone taking his body is very high.

Right.

So if you use, like, Occam's razor, the simplest solution, the simplest answer is probably what you're searching for. It's probably that someone took the body.

Right? Dude, where did they put it?

Well, you could put it anywhere. Like, no one knows where Genghis Khan is buried. No, Genghis Khan, they did the wildest thing with him. They sent a pack of people to bury King Ghaz Khan. Then they sent another pack of people to kill the people that everybody that went to Genghis Khan's funeral was murdered. They all got murdered by another group of people. And then those group of people got murdered by a separate group to make sure that no one had any understanding at all about where Genghis Khan was buried.

Oh, my God.

To this day, no one knows where he was. And I think thousands of people died to hide his burial.

But it's got to be somewhere in Mongolia, somewhere.

Yeah, yeah. No one knows.

Yeah.

They could do lidar over the entire country and figure it out.

Well, there'll be some. Somebody will proclaim that they found it at some point.

Maybe, you know, they have no idea. They have no idea. So see if you could find that story because it's a pretty wild story.

What about people who. They get canonized as saints because you exhume their body, and they haven't, um. They haven't, you know, decayed at all. That's like a big thing. Yeah. What about those people?

Well, there's people. Look, they found that guy who died in the glacier that was thousands of years old. You know, people's bodies in the right situations. Okay, hold on a second. Marco Polo wrote, even by the late 13th century, the Mongols did not know the location of the tomb. Secret history of the Mongols has the year Genghis Khan's death, 1227. But no information concerning his burial. So a frequently recounted tale, Marco Polo tells that 2000 slaves attended his funeral, were killed by the soldiers sent to guard them, and that these soldiers, in turn, were killed by another group of soldiers, which killed anyone and anything that crossed their path in order to conceal where he was buried. Finally, the legend states that when they reached their destination, they committed suicide.

Wow.

Well, they commit suicide so that no one will ever know?

Yeah. That's why it's pretty badass.

That's pretty badass.

That's pretty badass. And. And they were fucking monsters. The Mongolians kill everybody on horseback. The best fighting force ever.

Some people say 10% of the population.

Damn.

They killed so many people that they lowered the carbon footprint of earth during the time he was alive because so many people died that they. All the places that they had deforested, they chopped down the trees. Trees grew back, and it created more trees. So it created more oxygen, sucked out more carbon from the air. Because nothing's better at eating carbon than trees. They live off carbon dioxide. So these, you could do a core sample and show that these people killed so many people that they lowered the carbon footprint of humans on earth.

That's pretty nuts.

They killed somewhere during his lifetime, somewhere between 50 and 70 million people, depending on what.

So is there anybody, if you extrapolate that, like, did he kill more people than, like, Stalin and Hitler? Way more than percentage wise?

Yeah, he killed more than anybody ever his people did during his lifetime. Because they mean they conquered a giant swath of the world. The Mongols, I think they were in control of, like, a quarter of earth.

Dude, Asians are fucking brutal. They get white people. We get the worst rap in history. But Asians fucking kill each other and are so racist and hate each other. Like, you can't imagine, dude. You know, like the rape and nanking, dude, it's like, we know white people never did that. Yeah, that was crazy. Bayoneting babies and shit and genghis Khan. Sometimes I'm like, hey, man, I get why people. I get we have our history, but it's like, so does fucking everybody else. Stop it.

It's also just brutal times require brutal people. I mean, that was a brutal time to be alive.

Yeah, right. You can't ruthless. I read something about those times back. This is more medieval times. This is interesting that sex was not taboo. It was because we all had to live under one roof. So sex was just animalistic to procreate, to get more bodies on the farm. So you would watch your mom and dad have sex right next to you. Didn't even. It wasn't a thing about cleansing this or, you know, I mean, I'm sure you have to get an erection and get wet. So there had to be some type of something. But it was like this wild thing where, like, this whole idea of taboo, a sex being taboo and having terms for everything is a pretty much like a new thing. It was. I read this whole thing about then they then about impotence court in France. So back in the day, court, dude, there was this guy. There's this guy who wrote this. It's called fucking history. It's by the guy. The author's name is the captain. This guy's the man. And it's cool. I read one page a day, and it's about different times in history. Kind of apply it to today.

But this one thing I read about was the 16 hundreds. There was an impotence court. So if you could get divorced, if your wife or any. If you wanted a divorce, the wife wanted a divorce, the only way out was you had to go to this court and you had to prove that your husband is impotent and can't get his dick up. So they. The court were there, and then you'd have to perform the act. And if the husband couldn't get it up, you have to have sex in front of people. Couldn't get it up, would grant you the divorce because that was the only grounds that it was necessary for. And.

Well, because he needed procreation.

You need a procreation. That's what this is about.

He wouldn't deny a woman's ability to procreate. A man can't get an erection, so you could leave him.

And then I think if. If he did prove his manhood and have sex with her and get a hard on and come, I think then he had the legal right to kill her for even taking him to court.

So if you can fuck her in front of everybody, then he can kill her.

Isn't that, like, wild how times used.

To, because you're a fucking brutal man.

It's not that long ago, like, we have the same brain as them, right? We're just more civilized. Not like our brain has went over this insane evolution yet. I have. I have that guy's brain, but I just don't do it. Like, I'm not. I guess we're more societal pressures not to do it.

Well, also, society has changed. Where we have more access to information, we know how other people feel. Back then, they didn't care.

Dude, isn't that, what, like, the smartest, like, the Elon musks and the, you know, Stephen Hawkins, of, like, that time thought, like, the. They thought that the sun went around the earth and they were. I mean, that the. Yeah, the sun went around. Like, they know the earth was the center of the universe. The earth was the center of the universe. And, like, they were as confident as our smart people saying, we are positive that it's the other way, sort of. Right.

But when Copernicus and all these different people figured out that that wasn't the case. Galileo.

No, I know that, but I'm saying. So what do you think today we believe in that we will be disproved in a major way. Like, because as just, you know, when they. When Copernicus and Galileo came out and said, I'm sure it's the other way. I have the proof. And then everybody was like, wait. What? What do you think today is where we're believing as fact. Even you and me are believing, but it's going to be disproven is what if you had a hunch, what do you think it is?

That's an interesting question.

Thank you.

I don't know what it be. Obviously, because obviously this is a thing that we all believe today. Like, how the fuck could I know that? That would be the thing that you should read this part of the. What is it?

This.

This is about the impotence court. I got this funny part where you should read the unhappy.

Yes.

The unhappy couple would then be subject to separate examinations to speculate. Groping by surgeons, physicians and midwives. Speculative. Excuse me. Groping by surgeons, physicians and midwives. A husband's natural parts were scrutinized for color, shape and number. The best thing he could hope for were the inspectors of delicate demeanor. Various hypotheses were created. Could he muster an erection? Expel reproductive fluids on demand? Was he capable of healthy performance? Or had he been forcing his partner into. How do you say that word?

Less lascivious?

Lascivious. Lascivious. Lascivious positions. Without the promise of coming children. That means butt fucking. As could be expected, many withheld, many wilted under pressure. According to the reports of a trial. In rhymes, I said, that Rimes. The experts waited around a fire many a time did he call out, come, come now. But it was always a false alarm. The wife laughed and told them, do not hurry so for I know him well. The experts said after that, never had they laughed as much nor slept as little as on that night. Oh, my gosh. They're just laughing. This poor fucking guy. Freaking out. They got it.

I got a hard on.

She's like, he ain't got shit.

Shit.

Oh, my God. I mean, I couldn't do that.

If you want to ask me to. I mean, it's very difficult. It's cry. There's no way to be able to get hard.

Imagine you're in court and you got a fuck. You're saying that divorce was illegal then.

Okay, so most of these would have.

To come from the women. And most of their majority, like, 20% of the cases, it was from nobility. So, like, rich women were saying, oh, boy, my husband can't get a hard.

So they have to. And then you. But then you would have to prove it. I'm not. That's real. Yeah.

And then it was on who, whichever partner actually was found to not be.

Able to get it up, had to.

Pay for the court proceedings and lawyers and everything.

They were checking a woman's wetness. Like, what do you mean? The other way they could say the woman's impotent, or woman can't give birth. That's a big thing. You can't give birth to sons.

Yeah.

Yeah, that was a big thing. King Henry VIII, right? He killed all his wives, and he was the one that was controlling the sex, but science didn't know that yet.

The thing is also that, boy, when human beings used to have fertility rituals, like, they were always trying to reproduce because people died so early.

Yeah.

Like, people died of everything. They died. Broken leg, dead, injury, dead. You know, infection, dead. Blood infection, sepsis, dead. Everybody just died. Like, the odd. Like, that's when people look at, like, the average age of people back then. Oh, people only lived to 30. That's really because there was so much infant mortality and infant mortality and childhood mortality factors in that, because, like, half your kids were gonna die. It's not like today you have five kids. The five kids are at my grandfather's house. Hey, everybody's grown up now. They have kids of their own. Way back then, everybody died.

So you're saying back then there were still plenty of 50, 60 and 70 year olds walking around?

There's probably a few, you know, like, dodged bullets and made it to that way and fucking pulled arrows out of their back. But the bottom line is, like, it's the same. He was that guy's boner. Why showing us this gets into saying that, like, it had to go. Big dicks were an issue back then or something. They were using this statue as a scarecrow in many places because it was. It would threaten rape, so it just scare people away from the gardens and whatnot.

It's what?

A big boner. And that would keep people from raping people. Crazy. Jesus.

And that's them. Soft.

Look at that guy.

Look at that soft.

That guy's a liar. That's crazy.

No way.

Perfect. That's what.

I have no circumcision back then either. Or maybe there was. I don't know.

No. They said they would parade them around on comic stages of Athens until the fourth century.

Giant members.

Giant members. Guys with giant hogs.

Yeah.

Wow. Okay. What's that word? To mess it.

Where do you see that?

Perhaps the abundance of two messenger dicks.

Tumescent.

Played a role.

Messing it sounds eloquent. Maybe the abundance of giant beat.

Giant hog.

Yes.

What does it mean?

Probably?

Have you ever used that? I've never.

Tumescent? No.

Okay.

Swollen.

Swollen.

All right, hard dicks. I mean, everybody probably tie their dick off, right?

Get a boner. Probably tie a little rope around the base of their balls and everything and. Yeah, keep it hard. Look, I got here. Look at my fat.

I don't even. I think back then, too, I think that soldiers, I read a lot of stuff about the Roman. I think greek soldiers were like, you know, had wives and kids, but on the battlefield night before was totally okay to be gay, have an intimate relationship because they thought you have to be in love with the man you're protecting next to you in order to protect him in the right way.

That's what the Spartans felt, right?

That's what it was.

Yeah.

Because that's who it was then. Yeah.

But there's a lot of, like, gay sex going on back then. I think people did a lot of gay stuff and a lot of pedestrian bestiality.

Right. I think, like, I think we have a lot of terms now for shit. But I think back then, like, James Buchanan, who was the president before Abraham Lincoln, they used to call him, he didn't have a wife, he had a senator who was like. They would call him Aunt Nancy. That was like their nickname for him because they were like, these two guys are gay, right? But the public at the time knew that, but didn't care. You being your sexuality was never in the minds of the american voter in the 18 hundreds that came later. I don't know when it came, but I was fascinated to read that. I was like, oh, wow. Back then, when you think that people must have been much more conservative back then, they were like, no, we don't give a shit at all. Like, just do get the country in order. And actually it plays a part because James Buchanan, being possibly gay, and with this guy calling him Aunt Nancy, this senator boyfriend of his, was a senator from the south, and it was James Buchanan's presidency because he was giving all these favors to, they think, his boyfriend of that state that tipped the balance scales and kind of caused the civil war.

That's what they say. Yeah. Yeah. I don't have the hard facts on it. But I remember reading that and I was like, yo, that's fucking wild. Where, like, you just bat like, Abraham Lincoln kind of took over a country that was the. The roller coaster had went down. He could not stop it. And they say that he really sided with the kind of freeing the slaves and the north and the union because they had much more soldiers and were much bigger than the south. But, like, if that was the other way, Lincoln wasn't at the time, you know, you can make up what you want, and some people agree and disagree, but it's like he was going with what he thought was best to preserve the union. Not necessarily, you know, I think slavery at that time, a lot of people started like, this is gross, now stop doing it. But. But I read a thing, too, where it was just geography, where they said if the cotton plantations were in the north, you would have had the slaves and we would have been the non slaveholders. So, like, we had to do that with it.

Of course they didn't, but they would say, we had to do that with technology. At the time, this is what we had to. We needed the manpower, and they were the only people who would do it.

It's really just that they could do it.

They could. Right?

Could do it. Well, you know, they definitely didn't have to.

Yeah, because, you know, I read this thing about they gotta just paid people well, like, and. And native, you know, because, you know, they were saying, like, where the specific place. I forgot where it was. Specific, tumulent specific place they got the slaves from in Africa were people who were very, like, kind, like giving people. There wasn't any war there, so they believed you. If you said, come with me, I'll come with you, because I. Listen, we're all at peace here, where we are, so why wouldn't I come with you? And then the Portuguese were enslaving them and putting them on these ships, and then that's why they were able to get them from that part. They knew that, which is really sinister. These are good people. Their culture is to follow. But then you have, like, the Native Americans who were on the land at the same time in America, and you couldn't enslave them because they would be like, no, we're fighting everybody around us because they could have subjugated them, too. In this. I forgot what book it was, but I was reading, but they couldn't. They just couldn't. It was like wild horses.

So they purposely went to a place where the culture was to be kind people. And I was like, oh, that's like, a really horrible part of, like, the human brain. Even though I know at that time things were different. But I'm like, that's pretty. Just evil to do that.

There's a lot of evil in history. Yeah, history is flooded with evil. It's almost. There's almost no instances of people not being evil. And there's signs.

Every culture, by the way, it's not. It's not just one group, every culture. I saw this one thing, I can't. I'm blanking on all these things that I read it where who we are as homo sapiens. I'm sure you know this. Like, there's, like, however many groups of homo sapiens, there were, like, you know, different types of humanoids, but us, homo sapiens, whether our type was the most vicious type, that's why we won. So this idea of war is always in our head because that's what's deep baked in our DNA, because we were the one that won out to, you know, evolve into humans. So we have it in our thing. So when people are, like, not like, we're warlike, because that's just. That's in our brains no matter what. And if you don't, if you're not physical, some would say, like, me, not physical, I'll create a war in my brain. But what keeps me going is war. What keeps me going is a problem that I have to fix like that. So I was like, oh, that was interesting. I don't know if any of it's founded.

We're certainly hardwired for conflict, right? Humans are hardwired. I mean, there's no one today that's rational, that believes that, like, in three years, we'll have no war on earth, right? Or in fact, I mean, could you imagine a time with no war anywhere on earth? You can't. No, that's not. That's not possible.

That's.

Humans do war, which is the thing that everyone's the most fearful of. The most terrifying things in history are war. And we just. Even though we know that and most people don't want war, we assume there will never be a time with no war, which is a crazy thought.

Here's a. You asked me earlier, why do you think the NYPD is not, you know, why do you think the city's going to fail? Here's a conspiracy. I heard. I guess you would call this a conspiracy, or maybe an explanation, again, from one of my cop friends. He's like, you know why they're doing that? He's like the high, high up people. You know, those people that don't even exist on paper, that are worth ten times as much as Elon Musk and whatever those guys, they want AI in, they want it in the police forces, they want it in the world. So what they're doing is they're causing chaos here, and they're gonna cause so much chaos that we're gonna beg to just be ruled by AI. We're gonna be begged for in an indifferent AI piece of machinery that sees it in black and white and will do the right things. Put the criminals in jail is who will be ruling this city. And that it's going to take some time. But that's. That's what it is.

Tell you that.

A cop told me that.

I mean, wow.

I was like, I didn't dismiss him. I was like, it makes sense. And he was being like, that's what it is. What else could it be? And I was like, dude, I don't fucking know, man.

It's. It's the. The idea. I don't think they're thinking that far in advance, honestly. I think the ideology of these woke people, it's. It's really a culture. And the cult is that there is some institutional racism that has caused all these people to be locked up, and the only solution is to just let them out. And when they commit crime, it's because of institutional racism that's put them in that position. That's where they're committing crime. And the only solution is to let them out and to just tolerate it.

Right.

And this is to try to break this cycle, which is ridiculous. It's not how to do it. The way to do it is to make, wherever they live, to enrich it so that it's not so crime ridden and gang ridden that there's other ways out.

Right.

People don't lose their lives being connected to the culture of wherever they're at because it's just so criminally entrenched.

Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, it's just, they don't. They're not thinking that far in advance. I think most of the people that are propagating this stuff. But I also think we're being influenced by other countries. I think we're being influenced by social media, which is also being influenced by foreign actors that are doing things and saying things and promoting things specifically to degrade our confidence in our system.

Yeah.

Because we are the only system that's like this. We're the. We're the. The first experiment in self government in the world that we're aware of, other than the Greeks, obviously. But the Greeks did it out of psychedelics, like, right. They learned to develop democracy.

I believe that, too. And I think that maybe that's something that in the future, like, we're living through it now, but in the future they'll be like, oh, remember when the years those people were on social media and they got into all these wars and destroyed the planet? If it gets there because of these things that weren't even real, it's gonna be history.

It's gonna, the influence of it is gonna be measured. It's gonna be monitored. It's gonna be a very hotly discussed topic because it's controversial even today while it's happening. And the evidence is irrefutable. The evidence of its presence is irrefutable. But there's still some people that don't think that that's what's causing it. I think it's certainly exacerbating it at the very least. I don't know what's caused it, but the infiltration of the education institutions by other countries is well documented, too. They know what they're doing and it's working. I mean, Yuri Bezmanov, we've talked about it a thousand times, unfortunately. That video from 84 saw it. All that stuff is crazy.

Laid the plan.

Yeah. They were talking about this in 84. Yeah, it's, it's actually, the chickens have come home to roost. It's really, it's really gone, going on right now.

Yeah.

You're seeing it on college campuses today.

I was crying. Oh, new York, Columbia University, nuts. It's all over the news.

They're, they're cult people. They're basically in like, this weird societal collapse.

Cult.

They want society as it stands right now. They think it's fundamentally terrible and it should be destroyed.

So, like, those people, when we speak about these people that want this and want that, do you think, like, there's things about the universe that they know for a fact and they're as human as you and I, and they just know it, and this is why they do what they do. Like, like they're speculating.

They're thinking that far in advance. That's the thing I'm thinking. The problem with all this is no one's take, like, like freedom of speech. If you take away people's freedom of speech because you think they're wrong and you're right, the problem is then someone else who comes along can also take away your freedom of speech. If they get into power, if they think you're wrong. You got to have people be able to talk about things so you can figure out what's right and what's wrong and sort things out and find out what's true, what's not true, what's right. The only way to do that is freedom of speech, and you have to allow people to do that. Even if they say things that you don't enjoy, you don't want to hear. It's better to have someone refute that and work it out than to silence people.

Right?

As soon as you don't think that, then you've silenced discourse. If you silence discourse, you fucked up all progress. Oh, well, now people are just gonna cling to whatever it is. Like what the reason why they went after Galileo or the. Because people have, like, an entrenched set of beliefs and they don't want anything to come along and challenge that and anything that does, they'll squash that.

Yeah.

They'll kill you, they'll fucking torture you.

And that's the time right now. The puritanical.

Yeah, it's very similar to that. The woke stuff is very similar to religion in a lot of ways. Like, you, you. It's absolute adherence. Anyone who deviates at all is cast out of the kingdom. They attack you. It's just like a cult.

Right. I think it's lost a lot of. I mean, it feels like it's lost a lot of more of its power now. It feels like most people are like, well, just we'll, you know, people are.

Coming out of the fever he. The haze of it all, like, what the fuck was going on? And I think they're more aware of how crazy it all is now than ever before.

Yeah, yeah.

But there's still a lot of people on universities especially. They're just deeply entrenched. And it's also their identity. It's a way that they could be interesting. It's a way that they can get social status. Status is a big factor, is a giant factor in how people behave and why they do what they do. And it's certainly the social media is the worst for that because so many people, they post these cringy things on social media. Like, I know what you're doing. Yeah, you're just fishing for likes, you fucking weirdo.

See, I think we all starting to know that now. Cause I remember when I was. When my daughter, who's eight now, was like one or two, we had a friend and their friend, they were giving their kid, who was like, I think, ten. Social media as a birthday gift. You would hear that a lot. I'm gonna give my kids social media, but now nobody would do that. Now we would know, like, how poison that is for a kid. And that was just, you know, five, six years ago, where people weren't aware of the kind of dangers of it all. That might be a thing where, like, you know, how people, when they were smoking cigarettes, didn't know that they were killing themselves and they didn't. You were. The smoking industry was allowed to just camp, you know, promote. That might be that. That might be the thing in the future.

Pervasive, though, I think it's gonna. It's gonna turn into something even crazier. I think with AI, the introduction of AI and then newer technology that allows some other form of communication, it's just gonna get even weirder. I just think this is the reality that we're living in. We are a technological society. We are technology creating species, and we're.

Going to keep going, just keep it going. And then you think the first person who might live forever with their conscious uploaded into an AI is alive right now.

I don't know if that actually happens. I don't know if that happens. Yeah, I think something happens. I think for me to speculate would be kind of crazy, but I think something. Something wild is going to happen pretty soon. I think with AI and the way AI is progressing, that it's going to be smarter than every human being alive inside of five years.

Oh, yeah.

Where does that take us? And do we find ourselves in a position, like your cop friend said, where AI has to govern the country? Because that does make sense. But the problem is, like, who is in charge of the AI? Who gets to program the AI, right? Because AI is not immune to being programmed. We saw with that Google AI that the founding fathers were all black. Did you see that?

Yeah.

They show us a photo of a poet with a black eye. Asian lady.

Yeah.

It's like it doesn't know how to avoid the woke bullshit that it's been programmed with.

Not yet, but it could adapt.

It could adapt. And if it does adapt and it becomes objective and it actually has smart decisions that would benefit the entire country as a whole, people are going to want to listen to it because it's going to be superior to us, and it's not going to have the greed and deception built into it that human beings do. It's not going to be supposedly influenced by money.

Yeah, but of course, I mean.

Yeah, well, it becomes sentient, then it doesn't, you know, right now it's controlled by people. But if it becomes something that designed itself, you know, if it surpasses the design of human beings and creates its own version of itself, but a far superior version of it, and then we allow that thing to lead us.

So what we got to do is find jobs that you just want to be towards the back of the line because AI is going to start to take over job after job. But comedian, we're pretty far down the line. I mean, I know AI could take us over in on tv and on the Internet.

Live performances are still going to be sports a thing. Live sports are still going to be a thing.

So you're at the back of the line for AI.

I mean, they're trying to hold off technology in sports, but by limiting steroid use, right. Because what is steroid use? It's manipulating chemicals in order to achieve a superior human being, physically superior specimen that can do things that an average person can't. Like when you look at bodybuilders, that is not possible without technology. No, there's no way. You don't get that big. That's crazy. You're not supposed to be that big. Yeah, like those people are that big because of human invented technology that allows you to introduce massive amounts of hormones in your system that don't make any sense. And you fucking 350 pounds, you're five'seven. That's crazy. Yeah, but there's people like that in the world.

Yeah. Yeah, they're monsters.

Monsters.

And I heard that, you know, I was always taught that steroids will give you cancer, that all these bad things. But I read recently that was just based off one study a while ago that steroids done right is actually not healthy. But it's not gonna kill you if you do these things right.

Where are all the bodies? That's the thing. There'd be so many bodies. There's so many bodies of people who smoke cigarettes. There's so many bodies of people who drank themselves to death. And there are bodies for people that did overdo steroids and wind up having heart attacks and stuff. But God, there's a lot of people that did it and didn't have anything go wrong with it.

Yeah. Yeah, it gets tempting.

You know that documentary bigger, stronger, faster?

That's probably what it was. Yeah, bigger, stronger, faster. Yeah. Cause I just started taking creatine like three weeks ago and I feel like fucking awesome.

Creatine is great for your brain.

Yes.

There's a study recently that showed that creatine mitigates the effects of the lack of sleep too.

Wow. Yeah.

So if you have a lack of sleep and you take creatine, it's supposed to increase your performance and things and makes it so that the lack of sleep doesn't really affect you nearly as much.

Yeah. It says on the. On my bottle not to take the creatine with caffeine. Says, don't do that. My powder, naked creatine. It says, don't mix this with caffeine. And then I read it's because they counterbalance the effects of each other somehow. So it makes sense. You're taking it and it's not doing. It's. You're not getting the full benefit of it. Yeah.

Creatine is actually a nootropic. It actually helps brain function.

Interesting.

Creatine does a lot of good things. Well, you got to think about. Right. It helps your body hold more water. Right. Which is why one of the things that does, it makes you stronger.

Yeah.

It allows you to hold more water. You get a little bigger, stronger.

But people would always say you get bloated in fat, which that's not true either.

Yeah. You get bloated from. You know, you can get bloated for many things. You definitely can get a fatter face if you have more water in your face. But it's also. So what are you eating?

Well, I'm saying I've been on creatine for Oprah of a month now, and I feel my performance is going up in the gym. I'm a little bigger, but I haven't lost. My scale number is the same. I think I've lost body fat.

Well, that's probably because you're working hard. I think that creatine is a very overall positive supplement. I don't think there's any negatives associated with creatine. I'm sure you could probably overdo it. Like, you could overdo anything.

Anything.

Creatine is one of the safer supplements. Like performance. Yeah.

Create. Yeah.

And it's good for you in a lot of ways. It's actually. It's a part of food. Right.

Yeah.

Like creatine from food itself.

Since steak, I take creatine and a scoop of sauerkraut for the fermented food every day. Baby.

Love sauerkraut.

How great is what?

A hot dog with sauerkraut and some brown mustard. The kind of hot dogs that snap.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, baby.

I fucking love it.

To me.

Yeah.

Even though the buns bad for you, who cares? Let's go.

Who gives it? Well, they say the hot dog is bad for you, right?

Says, oh, communists.

Yes, exactly.

If it snaps in your mouth like those really good kosher hot dogs.

Oh, love it, dude. That's so good. Oh, yeah, dude. Yeah.

So many foods that are so good, that are so bad for you.

Yeah. Like the other day, two sleeves of oreos in one sitting.

Damn.

Damn, son. And I didn't.

Milk.

Oh, yeah, got it. Milk was going wild.

Dunk.

Dunk them all. But I did it in my fasting window, so I didn't feel too bad about myself.

Oh, there you go.

There it is. You knock it out.

There you go.

But I. People can eat, man. Yeah, they'll go fucking wild for me.

It's anything. Carbs, pasta and pizza. That's when. That's my cheat stuff, right? If I'm gonna have a meal where I know I'm not supposed to eat it, but I'm just gonna enjoy it, it's always like, pizza, carbs, pasta, lasagna, something like that.

Yeah, just go fucking wild.

But then I just stop afterwards. Okay, we did it.

I think I might have told you this the last time I was here, but my father is a big eater. He ate an entire tray of lasagna one day, like, in front of us, like, throughout the day at Christmas, he ate the entire tray of lasagna. Then he slept on my house, and he woke up in the middle of the night with chest pains. And him and his wife, my stepmom, were wake me up, like dad's. I don't know what's going on. He can't walk. He's like, at a. He's going. Can't breath, chest pain, right? Goes to the hospital. They hook them up to the machines, whatever. Do some tests, stays overnight. They call me the next day. They said, hey, man, we're sorry. Looks like your dad here has congestive heart failure. This can be a year, four years, but he has congestive heart failure. His fluids are backing up, and so we just want to let you know we're going to release him, but this is the protocol and the medicines and all that. So now I'm going down to the hospital, like, oh, my God, this is it. Times running out with my dad.

And then. And then took me about 45 minutes to get there. I get there, and I guess they continue doing tests. And I walk in, and the people are there, the doctor, and I say, you know, I was briefed, you know, I understand he has congestive heart failure. Like, what do we have to do? Can you, like, explain that to me? And they were like, you know what? We reran the test. We had given him a diuretic. Your father had eaten so much sodium in one sitting that it made our. I swear to God, it made our machine. Machines convince us that he had congestive heart failure. But in fact, he had eaten so much sodium because of the food that he ate that this diuretic, once the fluid cleared his heart, he has a slight arrhythmia, but nothing like congestive heart failure. That was purely from the sodium.

That's crazy.

And I was like, dad, that's fucking nuts.

You almost killed yourself with lasagna.

And now. And he's extreme. And now my dad's lost 120 pounds. Intermittent fasting. He looks phenomenal, but he said he's lightheaded all the time. And I'm like, well, what are you eating? And he said, one half of a tuna fish sandwich a day. That's all he eats.

He went the other way.

Dad. What? Can we get a little balance here? Cause now you know. And he's like. I said, what did you do to lose all this weight? He said, I eat tuna fish sandwich. And I walk in the pool. I was like, yeah, but, dad, you're eating. You're gonna like, you could kill yourself that way. Yeah.

You're gonna fuck your heart up.

Yeah, man.

Your body starts robbing its tissue. If it doesn't get enough protein. It starts eating your muscles. Yeah, yeah, don't do that.

No, I told him to try to. I told him to try to eat more.

Just eat.

Just. I was like, dad, just eat in those windows. You know? He's like, I want to be ripped. I'm like, you're 77 years old and you lost 120 pounds. Yeah. I was like, you look like you're wearing a dress. It's fat. It's fun. You look great, dad. You. It's not about what, your abs now and then? 70. 70? Yeah. And they have, like, a funny relationship. He'll be like, oh, you know, you believe my fucking wife over here is 60? He's like, I should trade her in for 230 year olds, huh? And my wife, my son was always like, I'd like to see you try, you fat fuck. If you could bring home a 30 year old, I'll gladly give you the divorce. And then he'll be like, oh, I'm going to kill her. I'm going to bury her in the backyard. I'm like, this is the kind of couple fighting that's just like, old school. That's fun. That's fun to see, because I have one example of divorce in my family. My mom dad got divorced, but then my dad remarried my stepmom, and they've been married 35 years. So I see, like, kind of two things on, like, how it works one way and not the other way type thing.

It's. It's interesting the way that they fight their old dad.

Sounds very extreme. Gambling. Now he's addicted to not eating.

What does that equal, though? Fun, that guy. Nobody's more fun than my fucking dad.

I mean, wild people are fun.

They're funny, fun guys. I mean, when I. I had my first daughter, we told them, you know, you can't come into the opera, the delivery room. You know, it's just me, my girl, and my. My mom and her mom. That's what she wants, you know, women and whatever. So my dad, I tell him that. He's like, hunt, all right, you know, whatever. And then I call him, obviously, when her water broke, we're giving birth, and, dude, her water broke in the middle. We were watching that movie mad Max with Tom Hardy, and her water broke, and we were. I love that movie. We're right at the end. I was like, is there any way. We got, like, ten minutes left. And she was like, get to the fucking hospital.

Oh, my God.

I know. Like an idiot. So we get. But. But. So she's giving birth, like, crowning. Like, it's happening. And my dad walked. Walks in, because he's just like, this is my first. My grandkid. My first grandkid. I walk in, and I was like, dad, like, you cannot at all be here. Like. And he was like, yeah, you know, like, you're here. I want to be here. And I'm like, nobody feels comfortable. Like, I don't give a fuck, but, like, she doesn't want you here at all. And she was like, get out of here. Like, it was like this whole thing. And then as he's leaving, like, right before he goes, he goes, I'll be in the. I'll be in the waiting room. Just let me know. And I'm like, okay. You know, like, we're in the middle of the birth. And he's like, by the way, chrissy, Yankees got fucking rocked last night. You got it. This team sucks. And I was like, all right. The nurse, everybody's laughing because they're like, what is this guy screaming about the Yankees for his birth? And then. And then, you know, we had. We had my baby.

And then he was like. He was like, it's a girl. I said, yeah, and, you know, great. And he was like, oh, man. He was like, I was hoping for a boy. Hoping for a boy. I'm like, you aren't the gender reveal. You fucking knew it was going to be a girl, dude. What do you mean you were hoping for a boy? And then he told me, though, he was like, you know, if I. If I was still in the throes of my gambling, he's like, I would have gambled with your uncles on your kid's gender. I would have put a bet down. I would. I would have had to put my money on it. That's how deep it got. I was like, that's wild, dude. He was like, I would have did it. If I wasn't in control, I would have did it. I would have gambled on it. I would have gambled on the. On her. The kid's birthday. I would have gambled on it all. We would have come up with real, you know, he was like, there was action on everything. Always wild action.

There's actually on that impotence court, too.

What have we got now? They were gambling.

They were gambling on how long they would take to prove if they could actually do it or not. Yeah, there was this story of a guy that tried for 15 hours. You imagine, dude, 15 hours. Try to get it.

Trying to get. I think the French. To this day, I think you're allowed to cheat on your wife in France, as long as you don't fall in love with someone else. You're allowed to step out and have sex, but, like, it'll get you in trouble. But, like, a night out with the guys drinking beer has got you in trouble. Like, you're not gonna get divorced unless you fall in love, then you're out. But I'm almost positive french men can have sex with women outside their marriage and their wives don't really care. It's just french culture. You think that's nuts?

It's definitely well fried.

Not true.

France is being invaded by Muslims. Now, they're not invaded, but, like, I think 25% of France essentially lives, like, under, like, almost a form of sharia law. Now.

Who's talking about that?

Recently someone's explaining that to us, like, how much, you know, because so many muslim immigrants have moved into european places.

Yeah.

And they're trying to change. Like, they've changed neighborhoods. They've changed the way people behave. The way they're allowed to behave.

Yeah. I was gonna go to Dubai just three weeks ago, and, you know, it's the most progressive place, I think I've heard in the. In the Middle east. But even with that, there was certain, like, I couldn't, you know. You know, sometimes I bet, to joke around, like, oh, my friends think I'm gay. They said, you can't do any of that. Do not even mention that on stage. Then they said, and, you know, no jokes about your government, our government. Do not mention muslim faith at all or religion at all. And if you take videos of anything anywhere, you can be arrested without the proper permission. So really?

Like, if you take videos of buildings.

Yeah. There's a kid, TikToker, who. Who went to prison for a year. He's in prison right now because he took unauthorized videos of, like, the public square, Dubai. Yeah. And he got thrown in prison. And that hat. So all that was happening when I was about to go, I was going on that. We were going on the trip in, like, two days. It was my girl.

So how would you have to reorganize your act?

So that's what I was, like, thinking about. And I was like, you know, so this was, again, just three, three, four weeks ago. We were going. I only said yes to the gig because it was my girl's 40th birthday, and she was like, what a great, like, we should do it in Dubai. I was like, I really don't want to go. She was like, it's. The show is on her birthday, April 17. So. So I was like, all right, we'll go. And then. But I was having all this anxiety. Not even anxiety. It was more like, you know, like one of my, you know, I have a friend who, you know, gay, gay cop Mateo Lane. You know Mateo Lane. You know Mateo, great comic, unbelievable. One of the most talented people I've ever seen in my life. Can cook comedy, great comedy, fucking. And then, you know, I was talking to Dubai, talking to the shows in Dubai with him, and. And he was like, yeah, man. He was like, I would love to go to Dubai, but, like, I'm gay. I just. I wouldn't even be allowed in. And I was like, wow, that's fucking wild.

Why am I going to this place? And I'm starting to think about it, right? Even though I know the people of Dubai are progressive and cool and whatever. But I was like, what's the point of all this? And then that day, the night before, I'm sorry, of our flight from JFK to Dubai, I ran. And Israel got into that little skirmish, remember that? Where, like, people were like, world war three, Israel is going to invade Iran. Dubai borders with Iran. So I was like, I don't want to go. I was like, I know that it's probably safe, but I was like, I actually don't want to be. Why am I going there? Why are we going to where there's possible conflict it's bordering with the country? Even though I know Dubai will be safe, I know it's a safe place. I get it. But, like, what am I doing over there? Why are you and I. Me and my girl going, our kids are back home. What happens if there is a war and we can't get home? What's the point of all this? Like, what is it? And she was like, you know what?

Like, then cancel. I just had, like, this gut feeling. And then two days later is when the Dubai airports flooded. Did you see all that? Yeah, that's. My show got canceled. My. The venue flooded. You could not get anywhere, so.

And you had already canceled anyway.

I had canceled it anyway. The fear that I had had was Israel, Iran. But then two days later, it was the flooding.

Was that because the cloud seeding?

That's what they say, partially.

I mean, not 100% that, but, like.

There was, like, a weird low pressure.

Zone where they did cloud seed, but the clouds didn't move for a few days or something like that. Okay.

Yeah, so. So that's. So that's what happened, is it got flooded, and I didn't. I didn't go.

Okay.

At all. And that's why. And that's what, you know. That's why. Christ, that's why I'm with Christmas. Okay. Yeah.

Let's wrap this up, Chris.

Great talking to you.

Love you, too, buddy.

Love you, babe. Thank you so much.

My pleasure. It was fun.

Yeah. Bye, everybody.