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I think I've known you for 30 years.

You know how crazy that is? 31. Is it really? Yeah. Wow.

I remember the day we met. Really? Baskin Robbins on Melrose. Really? Yeah. Did we meet at Baskin Robbins? Baskin Robbins. I got one of those memories, the girl from Taxi. Oh, do you really? You got mint chocolate chip, double scoop, and I had peanut butter and chocolate.

I think you're making this up. I think you're making this up. He's making this up. I was like, Hold on, let's see how this goes. Yeah, as soon as he was saying he's got a memory like the lady from Taxi, I was like, that. I couldn't even remember her name. That lady's got a crazy memory. She does. She can tell you dates in 1972, what day it was.

Dude, I bumped into her to Sushi joint once, and she reenacted the I lost my virginity.

It's unbelievable. She remembered it.

How does she know? Because it was her.

You think she's an alien?

It was her. Oh, really? Yeah. She popped my cherry. She was hot back in the day.

She drove my taxi. Oh. Yeah.

She acted as your depot. Wait, what's her name?

Mary Lou Retina?

No. What is it? It's close.

Mary Lou Iris? No. Cornia. Cornia. Mary Lou Cornea. Where was her name? Rettin. Rettin? No, that's the gymnast. She's the gymnast.

That's What was her name?

Is it Marley Matlin? That's the deaf check. Yeah.

That's the one that everybody had to pretend was really good at acting. But she did win an Oscar, didn't she? Mary Lou Henner. Yeah. No, she did the tampon commercials. Did she? Yeah.

And who better to do them than a tumbler?

They get guys to do them now.

It's a new world. Yeah. There she is. Back in the day when she was on taxi, she It was hot.

But you can't ever lie to her.

Yeah, she knows everything. I didn't say that. Not only did you say that, you were wearing this.

Yeah, she just knows it all. Yeah.

Un believable That's probably a real issue in relationships. You can never argue with her about who is right. She remembers it. Yeah. A hundred %. You got a foggy ass, bullshit, normal human. How good's your memory?

My memory is not that good.

Maybe she's an elephant. I don't think their memory is that good. They say they are.

Yeah, but shit that you would remember, too. Right. How often do you watch one of those nature shows and you see like, elephants wandering around aimlessly and you know they're looking for their car because they can't remember where they parked, idiots.

Imagine if elephants could drive, that would be a real problem. How big would their fucking car be? How big would their roads have to be? Wow. If anybody else, any other animals, started developing electronics, I think we'd just kill them. Yeah. They'll be like, What the fuck are you doing over there? We wouldn't be cool with chimps fastening their own weapons.

If they started making guns, if chips start smelting iron, figuring out ballistics, you see chips on the range. Yeah.

They're like, Hey, hey, hey. Only us. Yeah. Well, this is not what Planet of the Apes is all about.

Similar.

They evolved to the point where... Wasn't the new one like experiments? Wasn't it like some experiments? On how it's picked up? Back in the day, it was like a time machine thing. They went, the really old ones. Yeah, the first one.

There was a time machine and you go forward in time and you realize, Oh, my God, the apes are now humans and Yeah, they landed so far in the future on Earth.

You know who wrote that one? Rod Serling. Oh, did he really? Yeah, from twilight Zone. He was the fucking man. He was way ahead of his time.

With everything. Genius. So many good episodes. You go back to I watched the twilight Zone, it's like, no production value, no money for special effects. Incredible show. That's what was part of their charm. But the music, everything worked. If you look at a lot of modern day movies, They were predicated on those old shows. Like Chucky, there's an old episode with Teli Savalas, Taki Tina. Hi, I'm Taki Tina, and I'm going to kill you. This was a doll, remember? Fast forward to Chucky, that demented, red-headed, freckle-face freak.

Look at that.

There she is. Taki Tina. You know what my favorite one was? To serve man. Oh, yeah. It's a cookbook. Then Juliet Childs walks out of the UFO.

Hello, everybody. We're going to serve your children.

What did the aliens look like on To Serve Man? It was very bizarre. Yeah, they had giant bulbous heads.

There it is. They looked like Herman Monster without the hair. Look how bad this fucking makeup is. You can see where it's glued to his cheek.

You can see everything is so shitty. You can do better than that in a high school musical. Speaking of human cookbooks, I have a buddy who just had a kid, and he told me him and his wife made placenta smoothies. I'm sitting here going, what if you love them? What if you love the taste of your own kid? One day you're with Billy at the park, and you're just looking at him and you're like, you start licking your lips like, He sure did taste good. Then cannibalism and you eat your own kid.

I don't think it's actually eating your own kid. I think it's eating the nutrients that provide nourishment to the kid while it's in the womb. You're not eating the kid.

The kid is separate from the placenta. It is? Yeah, the kid is an actual-Oh, I thought it was covered. You know when a gazelle drops its baby on the Calahari and it licks all that film off it? Isn't that placenta?

Or is that just a pasta sauce? It's like carbonara?

I think that is placenta, right? I mean, it probably must be.

Isn't that what human kids have? Don't they have that like gazelles? But it's not the kid itself.

It's the nutrients that the kid was consuming while they were in the...

I believe, obviously, I'm not a doctor.

Yeah, look at this.

Is this one going to drop it? They eat that. Is she about to drop? Boy, How vulnerable are they when they're giving birth? Half of those kids get snatched up immediately by a cat. Some cats or wild dogs or something come run over and steal your baby, and that's it. You carry that thing around inside of you for months.

You love it more than anything in life. They'll protect it. Obviously, they have this insane connection with that baby, and then it gets snatched away by a cat.

It literally doesn't get its first bleat out. It lifts its head and then bong. That's one of the things that people have to be very aware about in North America. What? Bears. What bears are doing to deer and moose. The same thing. If you really love deer, moose, and elk, stuff like that. I love them. Half of those animals, babies got eaten by bears. Half of the babies that come out. Half? Half. It's a good thing in a good ecosystem. To A call to herd. Yeah. Well, it's not even just a call to herd. It's just that's what they're there for. It's a system. We look at it like it's this beautiful thing because it is beautiful. You see these animals and the wild and nature. But what it is, it's a system. It's like a mathematical system. You have numbers, and the amount of predators is based on the amount of prey and the amount of babies they have and the amount of babies that survive.

And animals that have less babies don't survive as well. Animals that are bigger fight off the wolves better. It's like there's a whole system. The whole system, and it trickles down right to the vegetation and the ecosystem. You know this, if they remove the wolves, then the elk and caribou herds expand, and they start eating all the growth on the river banks, causing erosion.

The river is flattened. So you have to have those predators. I'm glad they're eating half. And if they're listening, eat three quarters. If they were any in half, we would be over run by deer and elk. You'd have a situation where you have in New Zealand where they have to fly over the hills and just gun them down. Moose in New Zealand? In New Zealand, New Zealand is a wild place, literally. There's gnomes. It's beautiful. So beautiful. Elfs. They got there in, I guess, the 1700s or something like that, maybe the 1800s. And these European settlers, these European explorers were like, This place is so beautiful, but it doesn't have any things for us to kill. Why don't we bring in a bunch of wild animals from Europe that we like to kill? They turned it into a wild game safari park for hunting. Sheezu. Yeah.

There's all these animals, like stags and all these different kinds of deer, all these animals that are not supposed to be in New Zealand.

They're everywhere. They're just overwhelming. If you buy elk, if you go to a restaurant and you buy elk tenderloin, most likely that elk is coming from New Zealand. No. Yeah. There's elk in New Zealand? A lot of elk in New Zealand.

They probably are allowed to consider stag elk, too. I don't think they would... That's a good question. I don't know. They're so similar.

They're such a similar animal. They probably taste exactly the same. The only thing... Elk have a cool sound, but stags have a Really cool. Stag sound like a lion. Have you ever heard a stag roar? Yeah.

It's really fucking cool. When they mate, the male elks do that whistle.

That sounds like they're playing a piccolo. Listen to this. What a weird noise. Yeah. Look at his penis going up and down. Oh, yeah. They jizz all over themselves. Wow. I've seen elk do it where they just piss all over themselves while they're screaming. They're screaming. Elks are even cooler. Give me an elk bugle. Elk bugle, I think, is the coolest sound in the world.

You own me?

Bro, if you didn't know, if you were in the dark and you were in the encamping and you were to elk bugle and you didn't know what that was, you'd think, Oh, my God, there's monsters out here. Yeah. Yeah, there it is. Couldn't you imagine that being a monster? Yeah.

It's like an instrument. Imagine if it's dark out, you hear that. You're like, Fuck. It's demons. Yeah, that's haunting and scary. That's the greatest animal. Then they go into the big cats go into a flemin. You know this? Flemin? I ran into problems with girlfriends because of this. It's like when the female lions or the leopards, they get ripe, you know what I mean? Ready to party. Let's go. The lions and the cheetahs, they do this thing where they smell the female scent and they go, They do this thing where they curl their lip up. It's like a sexual thing. For some reason, I don't know why, but I do that when I'm about to get into some love making. You do a little bit of that? Do you embody the lion?

I don't know. I just have the thing. You feel it? They never stick around. Yeah. Flemin response takes place when one lion of either sex sniffs or smells the urine of another. Chemicals and hormones contained in the urine elicit the flemin response. Usually after smelling the urine patch on the ground or vegetation, the cat is doing the smelling will lift his or her head and hold their lips back in a strong grimace.

Let me see it.

Yeah. That's just like him. Look. I got to start dating girls that wipe, I guess.Look at that face.That urine. Imagine looking at that right before it fucking closes down on your neck. I'm going, Oh, yeah, I'm not getting out of this. There's fucking no escape. There's no hip escape. There's no jiu-jitsu move.

There's no poking in the eye. It's a wrap. It's a wrap. Look at that mouth. That is a wrap, a rappety wrap. I had a moment when I was on safari in Africa, where it's the only time in my life I started shaking. We were on a private Landrover. We came up on two male lions that had just made a kill. We were literally, probably, I'd say 25 feet from them. One of them got up, and we're in the open Landrover, right? With no protection, no windows. That is such bullshit. We got the guy driving from our camp, and this thing, one of them got up, walked halfway to us, and just did that burning stare with its golden eyes. Oh, my God. I was holding my hand because it was one of the few times in my life I felt like I was in death's door.

You were? That lion could have been on me in two seconds, and it was terrifying but exhilarating at the same time.

How do they know that the lions won't jump into the cab and pull people out? They get acclimated to these clunky things. Look, believe me, I know nature's unpredictable. How much trust do you have to have? Well, I said to our driver, he was parked in front of a stump. I said to him, I said, Dude, I know you do this every day.

Get away from the stump. We need to have an exit strategy. Yeah.

So he goes, Oh, we'll be fine. I No, move from the stomp because you don't know when nature is going to do that. Did you know that it was going to be an open air thing? Yeah. You were cool with that?

Yeah, it's beautiful. But I didn't know we were going to come up on two male lions that were in the middle of eating a wildebeast and be the only ones there and 25 feet away, and one of them was going to shorten the distance by half. God. Was this before or after the lady from Game of Thrones, who was the video editor. She's one of the video editors of Game of Thrones. She got pulled out of a car by a line. She did? Yes, she got killed. Well, there you go. There's your answer. Yeah, it can happen. I think it was a different situation, though. I don't think they were acclimated to the open air ones because in this one, it was cars, and she rolled her window down to reach out to take a picture, and the cat just snatched her. It's like a toy. I mean, you're basically rolling a piece of yarn. If a cat sees a thing that he couldn't get, but now he can get it, their instinct is just to get it.

Even if they never would do that, if the windows were rolled down from the beginning, the moment they see you peaking out, you're basically like, dangling. It's just a video of it? No, it's just a picture. This is how it happened? Yeah. Oh, God, that's so horrible, man. Oh, my God. Look how big that thing is. Imagine that pulling you out of the fucking car.

Oh, my God.

I was in Florida once, and I was doing a gig on one side of Florida and had to cross over to the other side. In between- Were you walking? No. Daddy had a... Here's where it got clunky, right? I rented a convertible, right? Because it's Florida So I had time to kill. So I looked on the thing. Halfway across, there's a lion safari where you can drive through, right? And you drove through in a convertible? No. I pulled up and they said, Sir, you can't go through the convertible, but for 10 extra dollars, we'll rent you one of our little junkers. And the junkers were painted like a zebra because it was a lion park. So they painted them with strive. It was like a piece of crap that was just meant to go through the two-mile park and out. So it's like a million degrees. It's Florida. It's Tuesday on that one in the afternoon. No one's there because I'm cutting across the country. This is like a week-end place. They put me in this zebra mobile. I'm all alone in this park. I get right in the middle of the lion thing. There's like 60 lions.

The car conks out. 300 degrees.

No AC because it's an old junker. I just got 60 lion just going, Zee, bro?

I'm just sitting there.

No one's coming.

Daddy's sitting there in the pride.

How long did you have to sit there for?

I sat there for about 15, 20 minutes until they came. I got to crack the window because it's like a dog in a Walmart parking lot, and I'm sitting there going, I'm a zebra.

I'm sitting there, I'm a zebra. You could die of heat exposure in there.

Or by getting mauled by a pride of lions. Does that mean they're gay if it's a pride of lions, by the way? No, pride isn't always gay. Okay, they look gay to me. Pride didn't used to be gay. It used to be like you were proud of something.

One of them had their hair fluffed out. He looked pretty gay.

It's actually in the Bible. Lions, they're gay? Pride. Pride. It's not good. Wait. What do we talking? The same thing? Is it the same thing? I don't know. It's in the Bible. It's one of the sins. What? Pride? Yeah. Oh, yeah.

It's one of the- Pride. Yeah, there's six- Why would you make a thing that is like, I have American pride.

I love America. I do have American pride. I'm a Patriot. I think this is an amazing place. So I have pride. So does that mean I'm gay or does it mean I'm sinning?

Well, if it's just the verb, you're just- You know what I'm saying?

It's like, what a flexible word. If you're trying to learn American, English, like how we use things, just English, and you spoke another language that was more logical, you'd be like, What the fuck? Why don't you have different words? Why do you have the same word that means such different things? Like the word rose. Isn't there seven different meanings for the word rose? There's the flower. It rose up. Rose of corn. It's just like... It just I didn't think of rose of corn. Yeah.

Rose the boat. Oh, my God. There's so many.

That's so stupid. Well, there's two there. There's R-O-S-C and R-O-W-F. Same sound. Same thing. Did you run out of sounds? Yeah, you could have called it. Obviously, you didn't. They're making new pronoun sounds every day. Yeah. You could have called Rows of Corn like clonk of corn.

Something that doesn't make me fucking confused, especially if I'm learning the language, like I speak Portuguese or something. Hold on, my friend, do you say the same word? Like, what the What are you saying? What a goof. You need so much context to be able to figure out. I think English is supposed to be one of the most difficult languages to learn.

I think Russian is very hard, Chinese is very hard, Mandarin is very hard.

Manity?

Is that what you said?

Mandarin, like Chinese. Oh, God. Imagine you can speak it, but you can't read it or write it, because that happens with a lot of Asian languages, to learn Japanese. It's like speaking Japanese is hard, but now you have to learn how to read it and write it.

That's extra hard. I got a story for you about that a little later. Did you learn Japanese?

Well, Vietnamese. Did you? I had to.

Were you in Nam? Possibly.

I did two tours in Nam, and I got to say Sunquest Bus Lines. The best tours. Oh, God. Air-conditioned busses. The HS- It's the other thing, two tours.

Yeah, right? Tours, yeah. Very different meaning if you're talking about Vietnam in 1967.

Huge difference. Big difference. I found out.

Do you mind if I just dip into... I brought a little something.

I have to do it about every 20 minutes. I do apologize. What is it? I have an eating thing I have to do. Really? Well, if you don't mind. No, not at all. No. Thank you. What is your eating thing? I'm a little I have a tape worm. For real? Yeah. It's about almost 4 feet. Have you ever had one? You really do? Yeah. I never know with you. I don't know if I should feel bad or stop locking you. Well, you can do whatever. I don't even want to bring it up. I don't know if I feel bad if it's true. You have a real tape worm? I do. How did you get it, do you think? I was in the Galápagos Islands recently, and They have a rodent over there called the Bermuda Eel rat. It's not a documented species.

It's the local jargon.

Everything evolves in, as you know, through Darwin, everything evolved over in the Galápagos, the tortuses, everything. It's a unique place where evolution took place. I guess this rat became a bit elongated, it spined.

So I call it the... Came originally off a Bermuda transport ship or something.

Right. And so they eat it over there. And I ate the damn thing, and I got a parasite that led to a for him, and she's about a four-footer. What do they do to get it out? Well, they have pills, but I don't even know if I should talk about this, but It was a little odd. I got attached to the little fellow. Oh, you like having it now? Well, we hear all this talk about women and men, and men can have babies. They're telling men they can have children. So you got a little baby tape for him. Well, let's just say I have something living inside me, and I like it. I like, sometimes I can feel it moving around. Sometimes I'll put a piece of cheese in the bed at night, and it'll come out, and I feel like I have a tail. What I have to do is I have to eat- Celery. Well, what it does, it reacts to the vibration of sound, and celery is I got the best crunch, and it settles the guy down. Okay. I just need to take a couple of bites. Okay.

Go ahead, Joe. Well, if you're going to laugh.

You have to do this about every 20 minutes. For the tape worm? Yeah.

Settles him down. I think you're going to a bad doctor.

I think you're getting bad advice.

No, I just mean for me. For you. This is like a self-medicating.

Yeah, I think they can get rid of those things, man.

No, but what I'm saying, I've grown attached to Dimitri.

I understand. I like Dimitri. He's probably like, I have a forced labor. But I like Dimitri.

Yeah, but you can't keep a baby inside you forever. The whole idea is the baby gets born and then it goes out. Hold on, doctor Spock. These suckers can grow up to 30 feet long.

Mine's a four-footer.

Can they really get that big?

How do they know how big yours is?

Were they doing MRI or something?

Well, we did an ultrasound. And they could see the tape on your side?

You could see it. Do you have a picture of that? I don't have a picture handy. How do you not have a picture on your phone of that? Of my kid, of little Dimitri. Yeah. It seems like you'd be really sad if you didn't have a picture of him. I got to bring one in.

When I come back next week, I'll bring one in. Tape worms or cestotodes. Cestotodes could range in length one meter up to 50 feet. 50 feet, dude. 15 meters. The length and width of the tape worms can vary depending upon the species. Wow. Pork, beef, fish, tape worms can grow to be 15 to 30 feet.

Bermuda Eel rats.

Do they have that there?

How'd that rat taste? It's good. They season it up with the Galapago Seasoning. It's like blackened catfish, but it's like Galápagos Seasoning. You think all those people that live there probably have tape worms? I don't know if they have it, but I sure got it. They have to have it. If you got it, that must mean everybody has it.Unbelievable.Yeah..

There's places in the world, especially tropical places, where most people have some parasite. It just becomes a part of your body.

You now exist with that thing in you forever. Have you ever had a tape worm?

No, I have not.

Do you want one? No, thanks. What's the worst thing you've ever had?

Like the worst weird illness? Staff infection. No way.

How many people on your staff? It was a small business. Wow. Yeah. Wow. Yeah, just one employee. What's a staff infection? It's an infection that you get on your skin. It's like a bacterial infection? Exactly. It's really common in jiu-jitsu. A lot of people get it, and they don't recognize it. Ari actually had it, and Ari didn't know he had it until I pointed it out. We got him to the hospital right away. Ari and I were playing pool, and he was limping. I'm like, Why are you limping? He goes, I got a spider bite. I go, Let me see it. He pulls his pants up and his knee, he has this swollen pimple on his knee and the pus at the end of it. I go, Dude, you have a staff infection.

I go, We got to get you to the hospital right now. He goes, Are you serious? Is it lethal?

It's lethal. People die. If it gets systemic, if staff infections get systemic, if your body becomes septic, you could die.

People have died from staff.

It happens all the time. People get it in hospitals a lot, don't they? Yes. Unfortunately, in hospitals, they get something called MRSA. Mrsa is Medication Resistant Staff Infection. A lot of Black gospel singers get that, I hear. Mrsa? Oh, that's Mercy. I'm sorry. What were you saying, Jamie? Didn't you say something? Oh, I thought I heard you.

I thought you were going to talk about numbers of people dying of staff infection.

Yeah, I thought I heard one, too. How many people a year die from staff infections? I think it's a big number. Wow. I know quite a few people that have been deathly ill from staff infections. They had to go to the hospital and get their legs cut open and get their legs drained. What? Yeah, it's a horrible, horrible thing to watch. It eats holes in people. You've watched staff infection surgeries? No, I mean, I've seen them online. 2017, the Center of Disease Control Prevention reported that almost 20,000 people in the United States died from bloodstream infections caused by staff. That's 2017. It killed 20,000 people. Yeah, so that's the worst thing I've had for sure.

How long did it last?

It didn't last very long because I caught it.

I got real lucky.

I caught it quick. I was at an airport with my friend Tate, and I had these little pimples on my calf. Oh, God. And he goes, Hey, what is that on your calf?

I go, I don't know, something.

And he goes, Did I think that's staff?

I go, Really? He goes, Yeah, you should get it looked at. So immediately I went to dermatologist, and he's like, Yeah, it looks like staff.

And he put me in antibiotics before they even got the results of the test back. He put you on it, not your cow?

My cow. I thought you said your calf. Calf, like leg, the part of your leg. That one, you really went out there with that one. That's the worst thing. Do you really have a tape worm?

I do. For real? Yes. Please. They have you on Ivermectin? When they have you on?

They don't have it. You can't get it. All they do is kill it. It can live in your system, they told me, for your whole life. Right. Yeah. Have you ever seen bears? They have them sticking out of their ass. Oh, yeah.

Like a fucking hose, like a garden hose, just hang down. You ever seen the worms that come out of praying mantises? Oh, yeah. That's disgusting. They're huge.

They put a praying mantis in water, and that bastard must not have been praying enough because it's got a tape worm longer than Dolly Parton's ass hair.

Not only that, those worms, those aquatic worms, trick grasshoppers into drowning themselves.

They could be, what are you doing, man? Don't do that. No, the pulp. I know, but don't just grab it and put it on the table. I know, but it felt like I was chewing cud. Well, I put it on the other celery. I would never put cud on your table. Just stop the celery, please. Well, I don't want Dimitri to get upset. You need to reach in your asshole and pull Dimitri out.

You need to, with your shoulders down the ground, ass up here, just get in.

Dude. Get in there. Joe Joseph.

And give birth. Joseph, dial it down. I'm not going to. Does he have a turtle on you? Yes.

Does he? That's why I call him Dimitri.

One night, I put out a piece of feta cheese, the Greek stuff, and he went nuts, came out. Came out, huh?

Have you ever seen a Burmese Python? Yes. I had a lady friend over, and I guess little Dimitri got jealous. I woke up, all I heard was... And I looked over. He was choked there. Yeah.unbelievable.how are you laying? Spooning? Where's her face?

Is it right where your ass is? Well, we spoon upside down. I'm like, The only thing that makes sense. She uses my nose like a bicycle rack. You have to come out. Yeah.

It's not pretty, but he's my boy. How long is it going to take to kill him? I don't want to kill him.

This is why I'm-No, but for real, for real. How long is it going to take to kill it?

Well, once you take those pills, you can kill it within about three days.

And you're not taking the pills? No. I'm telling you, guy, I feel like I have a boy inside me.

Well, wait a minute.

Like a child. Okay.

Well, good luck with that.

Thank you. I want to see a photo of those bears. The bears that have it. It's so disgusting.

It looks like enormous spaghetti just falling out of their ass. Have you ever been attacked by a bear? No. I'm here, right? Well, look at that.

There are survivors, and I can-Look at that tape worm coming out of his asshole. How crazy is that? Well, it looks like he just got married. You should put tin cans on the end of those. He's just hoping someone steps on it so he could pull it out of his ass.

Yeah. Looks like he was parachuting, and he landed, and he's dragging the parachute shoot.

I mean, how insane is that? Wow. Their whole body is just a disgusting mess. Yeah. Like when you eat bears. Do you eat bear? Yeah, I've eaten bear. Gris, black bear, polar. Black bear. Black bear, not gris?

No, I've never had one of those. Why'd you eat black bear? Well, hunted them. Yeah. Yeah, they have to. But I heard it's a musky, weird taste. No, it really depends on what they've been eating. But most, Unfortunately, most of those bears are probably eating calves, moose calves and fawns, deer fawns.

They tasted good. Black bears are like goats, though. They'll eat just about anything. They eat a lot. Do you know that in the early days, the pioneers, you used to eat bear and they'd use deer for skin? Say again.

They just use deer skins. They just use the hide from deer. They were eating bear.

Oh, I see.

They ate bear more than they ate anything. Is that right? Yeah. Isn't that crazy? Well, maybe there was a reason for because the bear was a threat to them. So maybe it's like, let's kill the thing that could kill our cattle or kill our children, and let's eat that versus the docile. This is just a theory I just came up with. No, it's a good theory.

That makes sense.

We definitely want to kill the thing that's killing your food. And if you could eat it, too, all the better. And apparently, they thought it tasted the most like beef, whereas venison was different. Really? Yeah, venison has its own taste. Yeah. So they ate a lot of bear. Black bears are dangerous, but grizzles are the one you got to be careful about. They're all dangerous, man. They're all bears. I don't know. Can I share something with you? Please do. I'm a Blueberry nut. When Blueberry season hits in early spring, I'm nuts about it. How's Demetri feel about that? Well, he likes celery. Don't give him berries. How dare you make fun of my boy, Joe. Anyway, Blueberries? This was about seven years ago. I'm up on a hill in Banff, out in Canada, in the Rocky Mountains. Grizz. You know grizz.

I'll use a line from Chitty Chitty, Bang, Bang.

Remember a Karakidas Pot? He was the father to Dick Van Dyke. He used this line where he's singing.

He's doing a song in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, Bang, and he a line where he goes, And the bear came a lolloping over the mountain.

And I'm sitting there picking strawberries, and this behemoth comes flying over the hill.So that was a grizzly bear.It was a grizz. When When they attack, they roll you.

They roll and claw. And I've never done this, but...

You are such a dork. They've What do you mean? Well.

Is that a real fucking tattoo? Let me see that again.

Let me see that again. Dude, this is not easy for me to talk about.

The bear came a lolliping over the mountain. That tattoo belongs to a mechanic in Idaho, and you need to give it back to him. Joe. Let me see it again.

What the-Let me see it again. The bear came a lolliping over the mountain. How dare you, sir. Is that the longest anyone's ever gone for a gag?

Yeah, it's the furthest anyone's ever gone. You actually got it tattooed on your chest. Well, hang on, guy. I'm trying to tell you, I got attacked by a grizz. You know what?

Oh, my God. Probably bear herding chewing celery. You know what I did? I did a thing. I vented it called the jelly roll because I'm in the Blueberries. The only way to evade the grizz, I roll down the hill. He's ripping my chest straight down the hill into a river. Boom.

Bouncing around like Moses with that tuberculosis teeth.

You're making jelly as you roll through the Blueberries. Yeah, I'm crushing the... Yeah. And this bear was just befuddled, just stood there, looked like Forrest Gump with a Chinese dildo up his ass. Now, mountain lion, on the other hand, can I share something with you? Does this involve another tattoo? Well, no.

The mountain lion. What the fuck is that?

Did you glue those on?

What the fuck is wrong with the mountain lion? Scrapes.

He digs in with his claws.

What is wrong with you? Can't a guy have adventure stories in nature?

Yeah, that makeup artist, whoever did that, they're from the twilight zone. Same person. Same person did that alien's head. It fell off. Hey, you're healing by the power of Jesus. Oh, God. You're healing. Yeah.

But here's where I talked to you earlier about learning Mandarin. Here's the difference between the evolution of nature, mammals, critters, and human beings. Cut to about eight years ago. I'm on the Mackenzie River, and there's whitewater like you wouldn't believe.

Little Vietnamese boy named Kimi Longwau Freckles on his face.

Unbelievable. Tips. Okay?

Bears, wild cats. They just scratch. The ingenuity, the intelligence of a human. I jump in, grab little Kimmy Long. Wow. He starts scratching me. Can I show you something? Look at this. This kid scratch the shit out of me. And even in a panicked state, I had to learn Mandarin. This is 'twas the night before Christmas'. Well, Jeez, man. Unbearable. What was his name again? Little Kimmy Longwouh. He had freckles on his face. It looked like Dolly Parton serving apple cobbler if he joined them. He was Vietnamese? Vietnamese boy, Kimmy Longwouh. Why would a Vietnamese kid have freckles? That seems uncommon. That's what was so weird. That's how he stood out amongst all the other boys. He's a child of an American GI. I don't know, but just unbelievable kid. To see a little Vietnamese boy with freckles. You don't get that. How many American... That was always a thing. Those Chuck Norris action movies, remember? Like missing in action? It was always about guys that were still stuck over there and we had to go get them. I really forgot about that. Are those the guys that inspired you? Like Norris? Oh, yeah, definitely.

Bruce Lee. Like when you were a kid, did you sneak into the movies? I went to the movies. It was on television, too, when I was a kid. The first Bruce Lee movie I ever saw was on television. Yeah. I couldn't believe it. I was like, Look at that guy. That's insane.

How's he doing that?

But those missing in action movies was all about missing POWs. That was always used to talk. That was always a thing that the POWs from Vietnam got left behind. Chuck Norris is going to go back and get them and set them free.

How many POWs got left behind in Vietnam? Because that's a fucking real thing, man. Not only was it a bullshit war, but people went over there and they left them there. John McCain, remember him? The politician? Yeah, he was a prisoner for years.

His shoulders were all fucked up.

Yeah, he couldn't put his arms down.

I remember I went on a roller coaster with him It's the end of it.

At the end of it, I was like, guy, it's done. And he was still... That's how crazy Trump is. Trump made a fun of him getting caught. Yeah. No, Trump said, Well, I like guys that didn't get caught. What the fuck are you saying? You were going to run away. You would run away? Yeah. If you're his enemy, he doesn't give a fuck. He'll just say anything. You're skewered. You're skewered. Even if it doesn't make any sense, he'll say it like, What? Guys who don't get caught? What?

How can you fucking say that about a war hero?

Jesus Christ. That's true. It's wild. Crazy. But he's my enemy.

Fuck him. No holes barred. Battle mode. How many American soldiers got left behind in Vietnam? I was trying to find that. And this is, by the way, they're not going to tell you the real number, right?

They're not?

No, they didn't tell you why we're going into the war in the first place. I'm sure that even the death count was probably disputed.

Who knows? Have you ever romanticized being in combat like that, even though it's the death zone? Because you're a hunter, you're skilled with the rifle.

Have you ever imagined imaginary, immersed yourself into a Vietnamese battle scene?

No. Nor could I imagine those guys who got conscripted. They got drafted.

You didn't even want to do it.

Maybe you just wanted to build cars.

Maybe you I'm going to be a painter.

All of a sudden, you're over there with a rifle, and you're in the dark, in the jungle. But does the hunter side of you go in there and imagine you could Excel in that environment? No. The hunter is a It's a really different experience. The hunting side of me is like dipping my toe into the natural world, like getting my food the hard way.

The hunter in me is going out and finding food and interacting with nature. But the elk are not my enemy. I love them. Right, but is there a thrill to the kill, though?

There has to be a moment of adrenaline and jubulation when you man conquers beast. Does that exist? The thrill is that you pulled off a difficult thing. It's very hard to do, and it's very hard to make a shot with a bow and arrow on an animal.

It's hard in a lethal shot. To be able to do it consistently, to do it every time you hunt, to be able to make a lethal shot.

I'm talking about it like 50 yards, 60 yards. Oh, wow. Do you strictly use bow and arrow? Yes. Oh, I didn't know that. I thought you had rifles, too. I shoot with rifles. I killed a pig last year with a rifle. Wow, what did the farmer say?

Turned him into sausage. It was a wild one. Oh, how big. They actually I had to kill him. It was pretty big, 200 pounds.

Texas? No, this was in California. I ate him just the other day. Was she sag? No, it was a boy. It was a boy pig. No, I said, Was she sag? I know what you're saying. California. Is that a joke, an actor joke? Yeah. I got you.

What was I saying, though? What was I on about? Well, you were talking about the hunting versus war.

War, to me, is insane. I don't know.

War, to me, is like, I don't want to have nothing to do with that. I would never know.

Really? There's no That's a little piece of you that you're in the dark jungle. That's someone's boy.

That's someone's baby boy.

I don't think of it even as a man. That's someone's baby boy that I don't know. That guy has parents and they probably love him and he probably has a wife and she loves him and he probably has friends and they love him. I like it that you said that.

Then some fucking politician is telling me that that guy's my enemy.

I bet that guy and I, if we could speak the language, we'd have a beer together and have a good time. What a great answer. He probably doesn't want to have anything to do with killing me, and I don't want to have anything to do with killing him. We're both being suckered into this thing by a bunch of assholes who are just making money. I love that answer, Joe. If I could fly over this table and hug you, I would.

We hug a lot. But it reminds me of a movie. Did you ever see this old movie with Lee Marvin? I can't remember the other actor. He was a Japanese actor. But this was a movie, I think in the '60s, where they're both in the war, the Japanese pilot and Lee Marvin. They both crashed on a remote island. Supreme enemies, and they only had each other. And a box of Socce somehow got stranded on the island, and they became the best friends in the world. I think if everyone looked through that prism in life, they would forget about all the war and the violence. When you realize someone else is exactly like you-Exactly like you.and that you need someone else, and they have the same fears, desires, passions, and wants as you, it's such a beautiful movie. It's where all the freaking same Whenever you get into an altercation with someone, you feel disliked towards someone, you should always just picture yourself trapped on an island with that person and go, You know what? If I were alone with them, I would love them. They'd be my best friend. You'd figure it out. It's a mental thing.

If everyone adopted that mentality, I think things would be nice.

Things could be a lot better. We're divided by so many things in this world. We're divided by politics. You hear Robert De Niro screaming in front of people about Trump. Horrible. What are you doing? What is this? This is silly behavior.

All this is so silly. Not only that, labeling them, calling them clowns, and denigrating them, saying, You're less than me because I like this and you like that. It's all insane. Do you remember that there was a beautiful experiment done by Jane Elliott in the 1960s, where she took a classroom of children, and she said, All the children with brown eyes, raise your hands, and all the with Blue Eyes, Raise your hands. And she separated them. You can find it on YouTube. She told all the Blue-Eyed children that they were beautiful, they were smarter, they were more superior than the Brown-Eyed children. She conducted this experiment for a week. Over the course of the days, the Blue-Eyed children started denigrating and looking down on the Brown-Eyed children and acting superior. Then halfway through the experiment, Jane Elliott goes, Oh, I made a mistake. It's the brown-eyed children that are more superior. The whole thing shifted, and all the children in that class got to feel what it was like to be put down, to have racism towards them. It was a fascinating experiment. It's on YouTube. If you ever want to watch it, it's mesmerizing.

It's an interesting experiment. What the fuck, lady? You're playing tricks on kids? Well, I think she was trying to... I get you're demonstrating, but you're also tricking these kids into thinking that way.

Well, I think she was setting the table for them in life saying, Hey, don't think you're better than anyone. We're all the same. Don't let people tell you you're better than everyone.

It was also a social experiment that was documented, too. Would you let your kid do that? Do that experiment? Yeah, if they didn't know, would you let them sign up for that and talk shit to the blue-eye kids? You know what?

I'd let my kid live through that. I would hope I would have told my kid a long time ago that that would be nonsense and that they wouldn't believe that.

Right.

I would teach my kid that. But to It's one thing to tell a kid something and then to let something play out in the real world.

It's a different thing. People, humans, have a tendency to get caught up in the fever of things. Like COVID. Like COVID, like politics. That was a good example of it. All of this stuff.

Yeah, people- Any time there's any international conflict, Palestine and Israel, Ukraine, Russia. You have a sect of people that know what's what, and then you have a large sect of people that just get caught up in the furor of it.

It's scary to see how quickly people are absorbed by it and caught up in it. It's frightening. Well, you ever been to a protest? No. Protests feel like a mob. It feels dangerous.

When there's a bunch of people walk around, even if it's peaceful, and they're cheering, especially if they're cheering about something that happened that was violent, and they're angry, and they're demanding something, and they're all marching, it's like, you. I think that ignites in human beings the same feelings of war. Yeah. Is my cough button still busted, Jamie, or did you swap that out? You're okay? It's going to be a pain in the ass to swap it. We had a cough button.

I don't think that's working.

It's working there. Do you want to try? No, it's just phlegm.

Well, I'm good to go.

I don't need celery. Please, for now. No, thank you. Why? I don't have any tape worms, and I don't enjoy celery. Can't you accept the gift? I like it with peanut butter. Do you have any peanut butter? This motherfucker might have peanut butter. How about a cauliflower? No, that's not the same thing. Well, It's got the same letters in it.

No, it doesn't have all of them. It's missing the B.

I thought you liked cauliflower. No.

Well, now what am I going to do?

Just put it down.

Well, what were we just talking about before that?

Vietnam. Are you okay, guy? Yeah, I just got this phlegm thing.

Nothing.

Maybe you've got flemin. Maybe.

I like that. Imagine what they can smell. You ever do that noise when you're No. Why not? What the fuck are you doing?

Dude, it's primal. Women love it. She'd make fun of me.

She'd get up and leave.

No. Here's an experiment from me to you. I want you to try that.

Animal noises. Next time you're making love, not to get into your purse. I respect your personal space, but doggy style, right by her ear. Carl just started barking. Listen to Carl. Listen to Carl.

Wow. Have you ever seen Carl do that? Has Carl ever done that before? A few noises in here.

I woke him up, but he's... Wow. He's fired up. That is crazy. Look at... He really believes. What do you mean? I have a... If calling dogs was a thing, I'd have a really good career in dog calling. Let's hear your growl.

Yeah, you're good. Dude, you got to. Carl believes it. You got to try that with your wife. This is poor Carl. Sorry, Carl. Poor Carl. Oh, God.

He thinks he's Walked into a wolf pack. Yeah, he's like, someone's going to eat me. This is bullshit.

These guys have been pretending to be my friends.

They've been letting me bite their fingers the whole time.

They're setting me up.

Dude, I'm telling you, try that.

Sorry, Carl.

Try that with the wife. Okay. You got to try it. Sorry, Carl. Poor Carl. It's okay, bud.

Poor little Carl. Poor Carl. He's like, What the fuck? That's a good noise. Thank you. Where'd you acquire that skill?

Because I learned it when I had a puppy.

I like to communicate to animals in their own language if you can. You have dogs, right? Yeah, but I just talk to him.

You don't do that? He hardly ever barks.

He very, very rarely barks.

He'll bark if he has to go outside. Like, if he has diarrhea, he'll bark. He'll get by the door and go, Rar, fuck, Chet, help me out. Or he'll bark if he see something.

You know what he used to bark? Carl's done, huh? Wow, he's terrifying. He's terrifying. No, he wants to bite us, man. He's a little gangster. You remember those inflatable snowmen that people would have on their front lawn around Christmas time? Yeah. He barks at those. What? Your dog? Why? I don't know. He thinks it's a thing. He like, What's He doesn't tell me it's a big animal there. He's letting me know. He's like, Dad, what the fuck is that, dad? Maybe he thinks it's a Yeti, like one of those abominable snowmen.

I bet he thinks it's a bear.

I bet in a dog's mind, there's a shape that has two arms that stands up big and you go, Bark, bark, bark.

When I have to go, Dude, that's a snowman.

Don't worry about it. I love it that your dog has a diarrhea bark. He has a, I got to go out now, bark. But you said diarrhea. Yeah, he said diarrhea.

What's that one sound like?

Same It's basically, Hey.

I got to run. Let's go to taco Bell.

I got a funny video that I'll send to Jamie, and then we go watch it because it was him last night. Because last night, he hadn't gone out in four hours, and there was thunderstorms outside. When there's thunderstorms outside, he fucking freaks out. He freaks out. I can't watch TV with him when there's thunderstorms. When we watch TV together, we sit on the couch and we cuddle. I sit like this and he puts his head on my lap. What dog is this? Golden Retriever. The sweetest dog of all time. Perfect. Sometimes, I don't even hear it because I'm watching the movie, but all of a sudden, he'll just... He starts spinning around. I'm like, Dude, chill out. Then he just jumps off the couch, jumps back on the couch, kisses me off the couch, back on the couch. So last night, Jamie, I just sent this to you. Last night, he had to pee. I'm like, I know you have to pee. It's like midnight.

Come on, bro.

Look at this. He kept jumping at me. He kept jumping at me. This is all just because of the lightning. Oh, wow. That's just the best. He's a giant pussy when it comes to lightning. Dude, please go pee. You haven't peed in four hours.

Come on. I love you, too.

Come on, go He gets jumping at me.

All he does is just jump at me.

You got to pee. You got to pee. I know. But normally, he'd just go out and pee. A hundred %. The lightning was- He literally never does this. Wow. But he's wagging His tail. He loves it.

I mean, he's excited, right?

His tail's not between his legs, but he's just freaked out. Maybe he's got the diarrhea, but he's afraid to start so he doesn't get electrocuted. Yeah. Wow. I know, but you got to pee, dude.

Come on. Go potty. Marshall, please go potty. Oh, my God. He wouldn't pee.

I had to bring him back in the house. He just would not pee. He just wanted to jump up and just freaked out. He wanted to make sure that I was okay. I'm with him. You're okay. He wants to be on top of you when the lightning's happening.Weird.Yeah. He's just like, Are we okay? I'm like, We're okay. As long as I'm okay, he thinks it's okay. He's like, We got to get the fuck out of here. His instincts are like, We're not supposed to be out in the open. This is dangerous. Wait, how old is he?

Seven. Oh, so you'd think by now he'd have it figured out the way animals do.

Well, the thing is, when he was young, until he was, I guess, three-ish, we moved here four years ago, and he never really saw a lightning. Very rarely do you see lightning in California. Yeah, you're right.

Or here's Thunder. Yeah. You're rarely here with Thunder.

Very rarely do you have those crazy storms they have out here. The storms they have out here are fucking wild. Some guy posted a video yesterday, Jamie, on Instagram of his car getting destroyed by hail in Texas. Some insane four-inch hail chunks. You see his windshield shattering, his back windshield got blown out while he's driving. He's like, This is insane. He's watching his car just get destroyed. It's rocks, just rocks dropping out of the sky. Sometimes I think they actually puncture right through the roof, through the metal.

Oh, yeah. You got to think of how far. If you got a four-inch chunk of ice that's hurling from space, it's basically in the clouds.

Look at that. Oh, wow. What the fuck, dude? That looks like JF Kennedy's car.

He had a convertible. Oh, yeah. He broke windows. Wow. Yeah.

Fucks these cars up, man. Oh, he's fingering it. I wonder how many people get killed by Hale every year.

There's a good question.

Looks like they got hit by an asshole.

What kills more, Staff or Hale? I don't know, but I know they say about... I think they say 12 to 30 people a year, this is for real, get killed by a falling coconut. 150. Well, where I come from.

150 people a year.

150 now. Yeah.

It's gone up.

We're talking about things that kill people, but they inflate numbers.

Like, marijuana kill zero. Coconuts, falling on people. It's 150 people. We're not outlawing coconuts. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Can you imagine getting killed by a coconut?

It would suck. What a way to go. It's not good.

It's not a good way to go.

Especially if you're an accomplished person. Yeah.

Everything's going great.

If Steve Jobs had gotten killed by a coconut or his little brother.

Elon Musk. Imagine Elon Musk is killed by a coconut. No one would believe it.

The fucking CIA made that coconut. Yeah.

What, Jamie? Wild Dangerous, according to the NOAA.

Since 2000, only four people have been killed by hail. Wow. Oh, wow.

How many people get killed every year by lightning? Let's guess. Okay. Sixty.

I'll say-I don't know why I said 60. 200. 200. Worldwide? Globally. Globally. Yeah, you're probably right.

20 in the US. 20 in the US? Wow. Every year.

So what is it globally?

Got to figure the Chinese are getting picked off by...

Because they got billions, right? You got The odds are. And they have skyscrapers. They live in a skyscraper. I wonder if Kimmy Longwild is going to get it.

24,000. Wow.

$24,000 a year? Yeah. Killed by lightning? Well, we were both way off. Wow. It was a lot less than I thought would be in America. Yeah. $60, is what I thought in America.

Wow. Have you ever been hit by lightning? No, but my friend Remy has. Remy? Did he live?

Yeah, he lived. He was here on the podcast a couple of days ago. Oh, shit.

He got hit by lightning, I think when he was in high school. I think it made him deaf for a little bit. I really fucked him up. Wow. Yeah, he didn't realize what happened. He just woke up on the ground, and they had to piece it together that he got hit by lightning.

The electronic charge going through the air.

Not just that. Have you seen what's going on right now? Where is it where there's these... Is it Uruguay? Where is it where there's these insane lightning storms that are coming out of that volcano.

Oh, yeah, I saw that. Have you seen that?

It's a different light. It's the particles, the charged particles that are being released by the lava ignites with the air somehow. We'll get someone to explain.

In the smoke, too.

It's a different light.

The steam, the particles get caught in the steam, the transluce. It makes these insane lightning shows.

Look at this. Indonesia. But it's been going on a lot lately. Even during the day, there's a lot of films on TikTok and Instagram and stuff about it. Bro, that is so bonkers. That mean, if you were alive 5,000 years ago and you saw that, you're like, Oh, Satan. That's where Satan lives. Satan's back. Fuck, he's back. Dude, I got news, everybody. We're fucked, man. Satan's back. Look, look at the mountain. Satan landed on the top of the mountain. He's there with lightning and shit.

There he is. It's a summer home.

If you saw this, you'd be like, Okay, that's where Satan is. 100% you would think that. That's where Thor is. That's where the God of Thunder is.

That's where Beelzebub lives. Look at that.

You would 100% Sauron lives up there. That's the eye of Sauron.

People don't know that lightning comes up out of the ground, too. Did you know that, Joe? Does it really? Yeah, lightning comes. People just think all lightning comes from... I'm not talking a volcano. I'm talking regular time. So you could get it right up your ass if you're in the You get a bolt up your arse. But for real.

Can you imagine? You get just your nuts blasted by lightning.

Poor Dimitri.

How bad would that suck? Just be walking along in the field going, Wow, what a beautiful night. Bang. From the ground. Yeah, it's true. Right to your sack.

Yeah. Do you have any pictures of that?

Out to your head. Three of your balls out to your head. Yeah. Just cooked. Cooked. Cooked. Never be the same again. Cooked.

What's that noise you do at the end there?

That's the nuts. You got to think. The electricity is going through the ground in your nuts, and out the top of your head. Just imagine your whole body captured by this lightning.

It would be like stepping on a landmine, but you didn't blow up. Look at that. Right up out of the Lightning trailing from ground to clouds in slow motion. That's wild.

That's insane.

It's like an etch-a-sketch. People don't really know these things, and that's why it's important you have me on the show. I'm really glad. Twice a month type of deal.

I'm really glad you're here for this. Look how cool that looks in slow motion. That's what's really happening.

Fuck, that's amazing. Look at that right out of the ground. That's as big as any lightning strike you'll see coming out of the sky.

God damn, that's amazing.

That looks a lot like Dimitri, I got to say.

All the branches, and this is all in slow motion. Look how quick those little branches flicker off in the corners and the sides.

That looks a lot like Dimitri's ultrasound, by the way. I bet. Yeah, just so we're clear.

Lightning is fucking cool. That's one of the interesting things about living here is we have these lightning storms. You get to watch lightning.

You get to see- Florida. I think it's one of the most lightning active places on the planet.Oh.

Yeah.yeah.florida.florida, it's like this It's a light show. It's a hurricane season there. If you're planning a trip to Florida now, check that weather.

Yeah, but it can be stunningly beautiful, though. I've been in scenarios where I've been in Florida at night and you got celery juice on me, and you look out two, three miles out, and there will be active storms going on in the cumulus, right? The degenerative molecular charged transphyxiation radiation particles are lighting up the clouds. It's like you're at a Judah's priest concert covered in mayonnaise.

You got another thing.

It's all over. Do you believe in the matrix?

I don't disbelieve in it.

Because if you ever want to have it, I've got this chemically reversed inverse magnetron camera. And one of the things we associate with the matrix is what?

The numbers. Coming down in green.

So if you can take a picture, think of it. Where does that exist in reality? But if you can go out on a stormy night like that, rain coming down with a magnetized nitronic reverse camera and take a picture while lightning's flashing. Think of it.It's even matrix. What are raindrops?

Water.

Right. But not when you take them with an infrared matronic camera.

What are they then? You'll see. Numbers in the raindrops. You can see it.

Yeah. Interesting. If you believe in that stuff.

Well, a person's got to believe in something.

Do you believe in it?

What?

The matrix.

I don't disbelieve It's a little bit different.

I can tell you that you've experienced it in real-time. How can you do that? A little term, Joe Rogan, called deja vu. Have you ever experienced deja vu?

Yes.

So think of it. How can you be in a place that you've never been before. You're standing somewhere foreign, somewhere new, and all of a sudden your brain computes that you've been in this exact moment, and it's undeniable. How is that happening?

Well, it's not really undeniable.

Well, it is undeniable because you're in it, right?

It's probably a glitch in how you interface with reality.

Therefore, a glitch in the matrix.

Well, it's probably how your brain's firing. Your brain is essentially just like a computer in a way. There's a lot of calculations that are going on simultaneously. A lot of sensors are being considered. Different senses are affecting the way you view the world. I think it's very possible that you can have a situation where things just get a little wonky for a second and you think, Have I done this before? Have I done it before? Or you have done it before. Every time you do this, you try to do it better, and you live the same life over and over and over again until you get it right. A lot of people believe that.

That's a good theory. It plays into what I'm going for here. I had a moment in time where I had deja vu. I'm not going to say where and when because I don't want anyone to interfere with it. But I've never told anyone this before. I had a place in time where I was walking. I was going under a bridge. A pigeon flew out. Okay? A child was laughing in the background, like a child, like a giggle, a playground giggle. And a red car went by, and I was like, I've been here before, a place I'd never been. So I documented the experience, the time, the place, and I've gone back to that same place for nine years to the exact same place at the same time. Check this out. Red car goes by, bird flies out, pigeon, kid laughing in the background. But this year, something different happened that I'd never seen. A feather fell off of the bird when it flew out. So check this out.

You saved the feather.

Don't get ahead of me.

Well, the matrix must be real.

Well, hold on. I got this examined. I have a lot of friends in the science community. I know a bunch of scientologists, and I had them analyze this. Pigeon flew out. Here.

I'm good.

This is a feather from a great auction. You know what that is? It's an extinct species of bird from South America. Please.

That's okay. Just put it down.

Well, I think you'd like to touch it.

No, I'm good.

So how does an extinct species of bird drop a feather from a common pigeon?

Who knows, man? That's it? That's the animal?

That's the Auch.

It looks like that animal didn't really have feathers.

It did. Believe me. I'm holding one right here.

What extinct 350 years ago? Is that what it was? Yeah. No.

Matrix.

Oh, went from healthy to extinct in 350 years. They probably taste delicious. They're probably stupid, and they taste delicious.

That's what happens. The great Auch.

Little cutie. Can Can that thing even fly?

No.

Sounds like a bullshit story. How does that feather get there?

Well, this is what I'm saying. This thing lives near the ocean. The matrix.

You just found a feather that maybe someone dropped.

It floated off of the pigeon that for Maybe not.

Maybe it just was near where the pigeon was, and it was flying through the air because someone had an auk, like taxidermy in their apartment building, and that feather just kept drifting. Just coincidentally, as the pigeon was passing, that feather was making its way. Oh, my God, look what fell off the pigeon. An ancient extinct auk feather. But meanwhile, it was just someone was in an apartment building with taxidermy of the auk, and they had the window open, the fan on.

Touche.

You never know. Could be magic, though.

I like what I'm hearing.

Do you think this is the matrix? If this is a simulation, what does it say about your choice? How you've chosen to exist in the simulation?

I don't know that we have a choice. You don't think so? Well, the matrix is numbers. It's mathematical. So do we really have a choice? Did we have a choice that we were conceived? Did we have a choice that our-We don't think we did.

But maybe we do. Or maybe it's inevitable. Maybe Maybe there's just this mathematical cycle of atoms and protons and molecules interacting with each other. This is the way it's always going to go. It's going to go this way, the same way, over and over and over again. The only thing different is that you get to learn from your past mistakes at least some way in the essence of your being, and do a better job of existing this next go around.

I don't know that we have to do a better job. I don't I think we have a choice. I think evolution just takes us. We're just hanging on to bear's tape worms at this point.

Yeah, but if you live the same life over and over and over again, you're going to go through the same nature interaction over and over again. It's not going to be a different the evolved world. You're going to live the same thing over and over again. If you thought about it, like you and I, how old are you? I'm 56. How old are you?

Sixty-one. Are you really? Yeah. For real?

You look really good.

Thank you. You do.

You look really good, except the scars. You're a little beat up.

I've been rolled by a grizz.

We have gone through one of the weirdest lives. If the simulation is real and if you wanted, if the The simulation wanted you to go through the most profound changes that human beings have ever experienced in the time of their life, just in how people interface with the world. You and I have done that. We exist. We were born in a time where there was no internet and you got your news from television, and everybody had a a limited understanding of the world. You could bullshit your way through most things because nobody could Google you. Nobody could get a book on you. You couldn't just run to the library and find out if Mike was telling the truth about his war stories.

You had to just believe people. You had to microfeesh things.

Everything was possible. The world was a different place. Then there's answering machines and cell phones, and then the internet comes along, and now we're living in a in the insane world where AI is about to take over. If you were going to pick a timeline to go through, if it wasn't real and you wanted the most profound adventure, you've chosen that. You've chosen the most profound changes that people will experience in a relatively safe timeline, relatively safe in comparison to the Genghis Khan days or the days of the Roman Empire. Just relatively safe in comparison.

But profound changes for this moment. We're accelerating so rapidly, Joe, that things are going to be at a whole another level quickly, where we're going to be looking in the rear view mirror and going, Oh, yeah, AI. Remember that? There's going to be something that takes us to the next level, and then another level after that. We are going to transcend so far that I don't even know what humans and humanity looks like in a thousand years, if not less.

I don't think it's even 50 years. That's what's crazy. You and I are living through the weirdest time ever.

Yeah, because it started like we had in high school for us, it was the Texas Instrument Calculator was the mind blower. Then we got a fax machine like 15 years later. Insane. Then we got the home computer and then the internet, and that was again like a decade in between. And cut to smartphones. It's been about, what, 15 years with them now, and now AI, and it's just like everything's happening exponentially quicker.

I remember I was on news radio with Dave Foley in the '90s. Dave Foley, he's a big computer internet technology nut. He loves that stuff. At the time, he was the first person I ever met who had a laptop. Okay. He had a laptop back then. It was one of those Mac laptops, the black plastic ones back in the day. Oh, yeah. He had this app running in the background where it gave him constant news. He's like, look, if I keep it connected to the internet, it constantly gives me news. I was like, whoa, you hear your news from the internet? This is crazy. It's like all the news stories of world events. When I look back now at how we're just inundated, constantly inundated with world conflict stories, world events, world problems, world environmental crises, world starvation, world floods, world volcanoes, like world volcanoes with lightning. Like, oh, it's good. You never fucking... I remember that moment, that very moment, when I was looking at Dave's laptop and I was like, wow, the internet just going to feed you the news in real-time. You don't have to tune into the news. You don't have to go buy a newspaper.

This was this profound moment for me where I still look back at that day and I go, that was the first time I ever saw a baby. A baby supercomputer. Oh, look, it's a little baby.

The news. Ironically, you're on a show called Newsradio. Crazy.

Very ironically. Yeah, I'm excited to see where it goes, because I think the next evolution of this could be tractor beams, it could be particle movers, it could be, as ridiculous as it sounds, the transporter beam on Star Trek.

I I feel like maybe 50 years, maybe 100 years, people are going to look back and go, Wait, you went to a place called an airport? You got on a tube and flew 18 hours to Australia? I think we're going to be at a place one day where maybe they can rearrange our molecules and particles and beam us. I feel like if we can imagine it, it's going to happen.

Yeah, I bet it's going to happen. I mean, isn't it funny that Star Trek figured that out, but they didn't to figure out computers, and they didn't figure out cell phones. They had walkie talkies, remember?

They had the communicators.

Yeah, but it was a walkie talkie.

I've got diarrhea. Send me some Pepto-Bismol immediately.

But it wasn't. You couldn't both talk. If You and I were on a phone call together. What's up, Harland? Hey, what's up, dude? It's like, Hey, Harland, how are you? Over.

Yeah, and there was no video component.

Yes. You had to wait. Those idiots didn't even have FaceTime.

Dumb. They got to get back to the future.

They didn't have nothing.

Dumbasses.

Yeah, remember that thing?

Yeah, it had a twirly thing. Look at that stupid piece of shit. It had an acid trip like kaleidoscope.

Who knows what those buttons are even for? They're not even labeled. What if I find that thing on the beach? I don't know what to do with it.

I think it's an electric razor, if you ask me.

I think it's straight bullshit.

Yeah, I think it's a garage door opener.

I like how it had to flip closed, though. I just love that about old phones when you can hang up like that.

Oh, I love that. Snap.

Shut the fuck up.

Fuck you.

Yeah, like those Razor phones.

Shut that garage door.

I remember I had one of those Razor phones. I thought I was James Bond.

Yeah, you could express yourself with them.

But the Razor phone was the shit.

Yeah, what did that one do?

It was just this thin little beautiful piece of metal. It had a terrible battery life, unfortunately. Because most phones had insane battery life back then. The phone would last for days. Because the phones now, they just have so much electronics and this beautiful screen and high resolution. It's doing things. You're playing games on it and you're taking pictures. Your battery But still, your battery is good for a day. That was the shit. I had one of those. I thought I was in space.

Well, I also like the little side saddle. Did you have the holster on your belt?

I tried that. I couldn't do it. I felt like such a dork. This is coming from a guy who wears a Fanny bag.

Yeah, right. And you like to play with guns. You have guns.

I don't play with guns, sir. But this phone right here for me was the fucking shit. I could never imagine seeing somebody with one of those today. I would be like, What are you doing with that thing?

But aren't they bringing them back?

They have a different one. But the new one is like a new phone. It's like a modern phone. The new one folds. Yeah, look at that. But it has apps. It's essentially a regular phone. But it does close and it's real slim. Look, it looks pretty similar.

I think you might have to get one. Would you do it?

I thought about switching to Android just because I don't like being trapped in the Apple ecosystem. I don't like the idea But Google does a lot of really shady stuff with... There's different things they do that I don't like. And one of the things they do is, if you look at What was their most recent declaration? They were talking about censoring things in a time of social problems. Remember that, Jamie? They were reserved the right to censor information under certain circumstances. It had something to do with Google Ads, though, didn't it? It had something to do with Google Ads, yeah. There's things that I don't like in terms of search results, curation, because that's the thing that Google does that Robert Epstein has been working on for a long time, showing that... Say if you Google a presidential candidate, if you Google a candidate that's a Democrat, you'll get, especially someone who they want to win. You'll get a lot of positive stories that come up first, and you have to go deep if you want to find something about corruption or accusations or anything like that. But if you do Google Republican, it'll go right to that.

Now, I'm not saying this is just an example. I'm not saying you could find that. But his research shows this, and I'm doing a bad job of paraphrasing it because I don't remember exactly what it said. But essentially, his claim was that in curating search results, you can have an impact on elections. In curating search results and putting positive things for the people that you want to be elected in the prominence of the search result, if it's not an organic search result, if you actually are curating it, you can affect the way people feel about a candidate, and that will affect the election results.

Okay.

And so that's an issue. That's Google. I have an issue with that. And Google is Android. I agree. I hate that. But I also have an issue with the Apple walled garden. I think there's a lawsuit going on right now about that, where they're trying to get people to... Because of iMessage and FaceTime and all that stuff doesn't work on other phones. Oh, right. Facetime does, but you have to take a few steps. And that's a new thing. A new thing is like, if you FaceTime someone on an Android phone, they have to take a few steps to do it. Okay. I wonder how that works. I've never tried that. Have you ever tried that?

I haven't tried it.

Let's try right now. Okay. I'm going to FaceTime Brian Simpson. Okay. Facetime Brian Simpson.

I'm going to FaceTime OJ Simpson. It gives you a link to send them or something, right?

Okay.

Is he still alive?

Like I said, it said, I haven't seen OJ Simpson. Wait. Yeah, it's answering questions. What the F? It thought we were really asking about OJ Simpson.

Maybe I should reach out to him.

It didn't give me a link to send. Where's the link? I think it's up on the top, like where the other buttons are. No. Hold on a second. It didn't work. How do I do it if I want to send him a text? Facetime, Brian Simpson.

Facetime, OJ Simpson.

Okay. Send. What the fuck, you piece of shit.

Oh, wow. Went right to Hertz rent a car. Hold on.

Be quiet for a second.

Well.

Shut the fuck up.

Well.

Facetime, Brian Simpson. Okay. All right. It said, Join my FaceTime. All right, I sent it to him. Let's see if it works. Let's see what he has to do.

Who's Brian Simpson?

He's a hilarious stand-up comedian that is performing tonight at the Comedy Mothership. Oh, awesome. He just released a special on Netflix that's amazing that he filmed at the Mothership. It says, Invite Sent. Maybe I should call him and tell him what's going on.

Who? Brian? Yeah.

Okay, this is just holding me up here. It's not done. Hold on. Call Brian Simpson. All right, here we go. Hello. Hey, brother, it's Joe. I'm on a podcast right now. You're live on the podcast with Harland Williams. We were talking about how Apple keeps people from being able to use certain features like iMessage and FaceTime. I was saying that you can FaceTime someone that has an Android phone, but there's a bunch of steps they have to take. I don't know how to do it. So we're trying to figure out how to do it. I'm going to FaceTime you right now, okay? All right. I'll FaceTime you in two seconds. Bye. Cool. Facetime Brian Simpson. All right. I sent him, Join my FaceTime. Let's see how that works. So here it goes. We'll see how this feature works. And I know, all you Android dorks, I know there's other shit that you could use to do this, like WhatsApp. And I guess you could use Instagram, right? Don't people use Instagram for video calls? Yes. This is not so fluid. Now, if I wanted to FaceTime you because you're a little Apple fan boy over there, you're a little bootlicker.

Hell, yeah, I am.

I could just FaceTime you and it would work instantly. See, he's got this invite. This takes so long. It ruins the spontaneity about a fun FaceTime call. A fun FaceTime call, you're at a concert, Dude, what's up?

Look where we are. Ironically, his initials are BS because this is BS. This is bullshit.

This is like straight bullshit.

Would you ever shoot your cell phone?

Like, just to get your fresh- I've shot a bunch of them.

Like with a high-powered rifle?

Yeah, we used to take them out to the range and shoot hard drives and cell phones. No. It's a good way to get rid of stuff. Boom. 300 wind mag at 100 yards. It's amazing what it does to a cell phone.

Do you line it up in a scope?

Of course. Yeah, I can't see that far. Wait, how far? A hundred yards. Wow. Yeah. There's It's a video of it, I think. Didn't Red Band have a video? Yeah, we made a video.

Have you ever shot a machine gun?

Yes.

And? Elation?

It's interesting. It's scary. It says, I'm waiting to be let in. This piece of shit. Yeah, I'm going to tell him, Forget it.

Yeah.

Wait a minute. What is it doing here? It says, Join. Is it working? Waiting for others. No, this is horses. It doesn't work. I'm telling, forget it, bro. Bitch. See, this is the thing that people are complaining about.Yeah.That it forces people to think you're a fool for having an Android phone. So you just go out and get an iPhone, and iPhones have dominated the market because of that. I think the numbers are with young kids, the numbers is like, it's something like 80 something % of kids have iPhones. So the kids that don't have iPhones, they get left out of iMessage group chats. They can talk shit to, Oh, are you poor? You got an Android phone?

Yeah, it's a class thing. It's a class thing.

It's weird. It's a weird thing. I don't like it.

What do you think the evolution of cell phones are? Do you think it's like Neuralink where we're just like, we're thinking our communicative thoughts? Or what's your thought on that?

Yeah, 100%. Really? Yeah, that are wearable. Maybe something that you wear and it touches your temples.

Right. Because the concept that we're... This goes back to what I was saying about flight. Wait, you guys carried these boxes around and held them to your head?

Yeah. Well, I mean, just this alone was magic 100 years ago. If you brought this 100 years back, people would think you're the craziest wizard. I have the answers to all questions, and they would say, Oh, my God, people in 2024 must be so smart. Then it comes 2024 to a MAGA convention. You see Robert De Niro getting yelled at it. He's doing his fucking press conference. He'll never leave. What is this?

What is the point of that?

I don't know, but this is people in 2024. Whereas if you gave this to people in 1924, they'd be like, There's no way. Everybody will have the world solved. Once they have these, Oh, my God, then they have all the information. Then people will know exactly what everybody looks like. There'll be no more catfishing. Still chaos. Now, there's filters that you could use from just a small snippet of your conversation on this podcast. I think they need about 30 seconds, 30 seconds of your voice. Then I could pretend to be you. Just talk like this, and the audience would see you with what you're wearing, the way your hair is, everything in your voice. Everything that I say, me saying this right now, it would be you saying this right now. Your voice, your face, your body, everything looks like you all through AI. There's no fucking way to know what anybody is saying that's not true. Then there's a big issue right now with celebrities, especially women. They're making porns with them.

Oh, they're- They just changed- superimposing celebrity's face onto a- They just face-swap with AI.

So this porn star is having sex with this person. You face swap Natalie Portman or fucking Angelina Jolie, and now you have a realistic-looking sex tape of famous people getting fucked.

So I could see Judge Judy plowing the pizza boy?

Judge Judy just sucking cock like it's going out of style. It's a closing sale.

Wow. Imagine Judy Dent In a pool boy video? Who's that?

Who's Judy Dent?

Remember from the British actress? I do not. M from... What's her name? Dench. Judy Dench. Bench? Dench.

Dench?

Oh, there she is. Imagine her in a pool, boy.

She was hot when she was young.

No, I mean, now.

But look at her when she was young.

She was so pretty. Imagine her rubbing chlorine all over a pool, boy.

Time is a ruthless bitch, isn't it?

She puts the net over his head.

I'm trying not to imagine. I'm trying to power through this. She's 89 years old. Give the woman her due. Give her her respect, son of a bitch.

How about I give her a check for cleaning the pool? Wow.

Getting stuck in the dryer. She was looking for something. I can't help me. I can't get out. It's stuck in the dryer is my favorite. You've seen that? The stuck in the dryer porns are my favorite because it's so ridiculous. You can get out of the dryer like anyone can be.

I love it when they pull their head out and there's a cling-free sheet on their head. They got a mouthful of lint. It looks like they've been blowing an elf.

I can't believe I'm stuck in here. Thank you for saving me.

You know what? I tried the dryer sex once, and I accidentally, I was so impassioned, I hit the tumble cycle. Oh, wow. Imagine being in your woman and she starts swirling around and you're holding on like a rodeo horse. It was some of the best sex I've ever had.

Did you stay still while she spun?

She spun. I just held on to her muffin top and we swirled around like-Did you get any concussions? She did. Yeah. Holy God.

A lot of banging around there.

Her head came out. She looked like this cauliflower. But I had one of the best the orgasms I've ever had in my life.

That's a one-time deal, right? Not really. It's hard to trick her into doing that again.

Well, some women like adventure. What's the weirdest place you've ever done it. Your house. That was you? Wow. Thought I heard that dog growling under the bed.

Yeah, I was doing it under the bed while you were on top of your bed to sleep.

Okay, pre-marriage because I don't want to get you in trouble. Where was the wildest place?

We were only 15. Remember?

Yeah. Where'd you do it? Wildest place.

I guess in the woods when we were kids, there was nowhere to go. So you go in the woods. One time we got eaten up by mosquitoes, like our whole body. Both of our bodies is covered in mosquitoes. We were so retarded. We got naked in the woods in July in Massachusetts. Wow. Yeah, but you're fucking 17. You don't know what the hell you're doing. You're crazy. Wild kids.

A lot in the woods?

Yeah. Well, there was always It was like, woods were always there. There was a place when you were kids, you could just go to the woods. Just bring a towel or a blanket or something. Just go to the woods. Do you love it? Yeah, but the woods are scary because anything in the woods is scary. Things in the woods become scary, even if they're not scary anywhere else, like a baby, a naked baby in the woods just staring at you. It's fucking terrifying. There's no other place where a naked baby is scary. If you're walking down the street, you see a naked baby like, Oh, my God, who's baby is this? Does anybody know who's baby is? Hey, little guy. Okay, hold on. Then you call the police, you pick up the baby in the woods. You're like, We're going to die. It's a fucking naked baby just staring at us.

If it's hanging upside down from a red pine staring at you, it's pretty creepy.

Yeah, holding on by its feet like a bat. If you saw a baby in the woods just staring at you, you'd be fucking terrified. Any other place. So the woods are automatically scary. You're scared that you're going to get caught. So that's exciting. We're not going to get caught. We're not going to get caught. Don't worry. We're going to go deep in the woods.

What about in the city, though? You ever do it in a crazy place in the city?

No, not really. You? Sewers? You ever go in the sewer? You ever go in a manhole?

I had a little fun on a ferris wheel once. Really? Yeah.

Whoa. Yeah. We were worried you were going to be at the bottom and wouldn't be able to stop.

Well, that was cool. We would time it so that when we came down, it was like hands off, and then we'd swirl. So it was like this really fun start and stop thing. And then one time, I'm not kidding, the guy recognized me, and we were having the guy here, the carny who ran it. When I got on, I was, Oh, dude, I love you. And so we were having so much fun, but we weren't finished. And so it's weird. He was letting everyone off. I said, Just leave us on. Just please. He goes, Okay, I got. And we just finish swirling. Yeah. Congratulations. Did you ever do it in the swirling tea cups at Disneyland?

Imagine if you did. How? Boy, imagine throwing up right when you come. I'd probably feel amazing. Because even though throwing up sucks, it feels amazing when you have to throw up and you finally do.

It's purging.

You know that feeling? Last time I threw up was about a year ago, and it was in the middle of the night. I got up and I was like, I feel like I'm going to fucking puke. I didn't feel good going to bed, and in the middle of the night, I was like, whoa. I woke up and I went to the bathroom to pee or throw up. I was like, Oh, boy, they might both happen at the same time. And I held the pee. It just went. Then I peed right over my throw up. I don't give a fuck, dude. That's how wild I am. I didn't even buy a flush. I just pissed on the throw up.

Just left it. Yeah. Surf and turd. You're not going to break me.

Just a little throw up.

Did you do the thing when you barfed? Like right after you just curled up on the bathroom floor in the fetal position and felt the cool tiles on your naked skin?

No, I've never done Me neither. I do lay down on the bathroom floor sometimes when I get out of the sauna, though. Oh, yeah. Because the tile floor, right when you get out of the sauna, it's 185 fucking degrees or whatever it is. I like to lay down that cool Can you do the ice soaking? Yeah, but I'm inside my house. When I'm inside my house, I have a song inside my house. I have one outside, too.

I'd love to come over later and sit in with you.

Come on over. Let's hang out. We got one here, too. Just a couple of hours.

We got one here. I'd rather do the one at your house, I Then we can have dinner, too.

Okay. What? You want to sleep over?

I wouldn't mind.

I bet you do. We're going to work out in the morning?

No. You can.

You're going to get the cold punch?

No. I'd sit in ice cream.

In a hot day, the cold punch feels good for about five seconds. Yeah. In a hot day, you get in there like, Oh, fuck.

I jumped in Lake Superior once, and it was one of those things I probably stayed in about five minutes. And I've never experienced it. But when I got out for about 40 minutes after, I was shaking. It was so cold.

Here's a question. Lake Superior, massive lake. It used to be a glacier, right?

Yeah. Okay. The biggest of the Great Lakes.

Most of North America, at one point in time, at least half of North America was covered by a mile high sheet of ice. So you have this time period after the ice age where all that melts. How the fuck did the fish get in there? Yeah. How the fuck did those fish get in there?

It's a mystery.

That's a really good question. How does Lake Trout get in there in the middle of the country? This big ass, giant Lake Trout. How the fuck did they get in there? Did they just evolve once the water melted? Were there seeds of the fish in the ice waiting to be melted? For real, though, if that's all ice, the fish ain't getting in there. How do they get in the middle of the lake? The lake is fucking It's huge. It's filled with fish.

There is a possibility, it's an extreme one, but I'm trying to answer your question, that a predatory bird, like an osprey or a gull, or some fish-eating bird- Flies from the ocean. Caught a fish in a local river or a nearby lake adjacent to- Where are those nearby lakes if the entire continent is covered in ice? If the entire region is. Yeah. Well, have you ever been to a farm or anything like that. Sometimes they have those water troughs that they leave out for the cows, but they've been abandoned. Or you come to a place where there's a little puddle in a field or something, and somehow there's fish in it, and Sometimes. There's newts and there's aquatic creatures, and you go, How did they get here? How did a newt get up an aluminum bin and get down into this ecosystem that's evolved here? It's fascinating. Fascinating. Your question raises the questions for all of creation. We can look at evolution, we can look at the dawn of time, but really, has it ever been answered?

Not totally. I mean, they don't have an exact time by time, day by day timeline. But do they have an answer to how fish got into the Great Lakes? I can't believe I never asked that before. I never even thought of it before. On my huge body of water, of course, there's fish in there. But if the whole continent was covered 10,000 years ago in ice, what the fuck happened?

Well, you might have to say, okay, somewhere there was a tributary that came from the ocean No, it would be from north.

It would be from up north.

Where did the fish come from? From Hudson Bay down into superior and the ocean fish.

Maybe they probably swim up river from the warm areas.

Well, that's what salmon do.

When they spawn. I bet they swim up area. That makes the most sense how they got in those lakes. Those lakes must be connected to rivers, right?

Oh, yeah. They have to be. They all are.

They probably swim up into the lake and then evolve to become these big lake creatures like Lake Trouts.

Yeah.

Because Lake Trouts are fucking huge.

Lake Trout can get huge.

Oh, man. People ice fish them. It's like a big way of... They're fucking crazy looking. Yeah. So that thing, you don't really find them I mean, in the Southern areas, right? Those are a northern fish, aren't they?

Lake Trout? Yeah. They're a deepwater, really cold fish. They don't necessarily have to be way up north. Right.

So if they evolved, so these lakes and streams from the lower part of the country. If you're talking about New Mexico or something like that, some area that wasn't covered in ice, these things swim all the way up the river, and then they evolve in this lake to become bigger and to become adapted to the cold, deep water.

Different species, yeah. It's crazy. This is the mystery of where we are. Yeah. How about Sturgeon? Where are those fuckers come from? Sturgeon, they're like dinosaurs. These things are what? A thousand pounds or more? Huge. Monsters.

They look like dinosaurs.

Prehistoric.

They look prehistoric. Have you ever seen that thing that's in the Amazon? It has essentially bulletproof scales?

Yeah, they're black.

What is it called?

I've seen-Arapaia? Yeah.

What's up, Jimmy?

The way the fish got into the Great Lakes is a way deeper story than I've uncovered so far, but this is the way salmon got there, specifically in the '60s.

People brought them there? Yeah, a guy had to bring them there. That makes sense. Fishing became very popular back then, so A lot of dead fish swimming on the shores for some reason.

I was trying to find out.

But were there any fish in there before the salmon? There had to have been. As you were first asking it, I've seen this image recently.

The depth of Lake Superior, specifically, is very deep.

1,333 feet. Fuck. So there could maybe have been something under there waiting for the ice to melt that came back up. There's a bunch of stuff saying what he said, too, where fish eggs get dropped by other birds and end up in the water. I got to think the river has a lot to do with it. But this is like, you can't go up Niagara Falls. That's true.

Well, you can't.

Yeah. Good point, Jamie. That's a very point. How the fuck does it get past those? God damn it. What a mystery. Yeah. Carlin, we've maybe cracked or uncovered one of the biggest mysteries in humankind, and no one's talking about it, buddy. Isn't that incredible?

Yeah. Aren't you glad I showed up.

We busted it out. We're the ones. We're the ones. Imagine tomorrow, like front page of every newspaper, Harland Williams and Joe Rogan pose serious question as to how fish got in the Great Lakes, and scientists are baffled, and they all start talking to us, coming to us like, How did you guys realize that fish had to get into the Great Lakes when the Great Lakes used to be covered in a glacier? You guys are geniuses, untouched geniuses of nature. Then maybe when Trump gets in for a second term, he appoints us to some a nature advisory board, and we give- We could be the master ichthologist.

Yes.

We could be the people telling everybody how to fix all these problems with animals and people.

But see, here's the other layer of this lasagna that we're not talking You're talking about Lake Trout. How about the Lake superior probably has 60, 70 different species of fish? I fished Lake superior. I've caught white fish. I've got Lake Trout. There's all kinds of fish in there.

How they get in there.

By the way, I used to work on the shores of Lake superior, and there's a place... You'd like this because I know you like bears and you like guns, and you like... Believe it or not, there's a place on the shores of Lake superior called Nays Provincial Park, where it was such a desolate place. And in World War II, they had a German Nazi prisoner of war camp on the shores. And the prisoners, it was so remote, no one could escape because they would have gone into the Canadian wilderness. But the German soldiers captured somehow a black bear and trained it to box. They put boxing gloves on it, and the Nazi soldiers, for entertainment purposes, would box with this black bear. Jesus Christ. And And they sunk a whole bunch of wartime vehicles in Lake Superior. Wow. Yeah.

How many bodies do you think are in Lake Superior?

I don't know, but they might be preserved. It's so cold. That's what I'm thinking. If you went down.

Yeah. If you dropped them all the way to the 1,300 feet, just this creepy skeleton with his 1970s jeans on.

Well, he might not even be a skeleton. That's what I'm saying. It's so cold. He might still have flesh and just be like your baby in the woods. Just like Nice. Hi, Joe. Would you like a fresh cauliflower?

Don't you think something would eat them?

Maybe more lamprey eels.

This thing is alive down there.

Lampreys. You ever seen a lamprey?

Aren't they a saltwater creature?

No. Fresh They're in Lake Ontario. Oh, really?

Yeah. I know they're clinging to the bottom of sharks a lot. They feed off of what the shark- Those are remoras. Oh, that's right.

Remoras, by the way.

Is a lamprey similar to remoras?

No, a lamprey is one of the most horrific. It has a round. It's like an eel with a round suction cup with circular buzz saw teeth, it affixes itself on the fish and slowly sucks their interiors out. Jesus Christ.

If that was in a movie, you would say, Oh, my God. Well, I'm glad that's not real. That's like Dune, right? That's like the worm in Dune.

There is a movie. What's it called?

Let me see that one where that dude's holding it again. That's so creepy.

Yeah, the lamp right.

Look at that fucking mouth, man.

Well, what's amazing is it sucks your insides out and slowly It eats you alive.

So it pulls the skin apart and then just sucks out all the organs?

No, it literally creates a hole.

Look at the bite in that dude's hand.

Yeah, it puts a hole in the fish and just stays affixed to the same spot and eats its inside It comes out.

They're older than dinosaurs, dude. Yeah.

Now, they're in the Great Lakes.

That's crazy. How the fuck did they get in there? So that's one attached to a fish?

Yeah, that's on a Lake Trout right there.

Can you show me the photo? Oh, so that's the hole hole where it was-No, that's it hanging. Invasive. Oh, those are the ones hanging.

Yeah. Then see the hole? You can see a hole where one let go. They just-Click on that link, please. Consume the fish.

Where are they from originally? It says it's an invasive species.

I don't know. Maybe the Amazon.

Does it say? Wow. Right, but where are they from? It says it's invasive. It's a sea lampry.

Yeah.

They're in the Great Lakes. The sea lampry is invasive, and it can cause problems in local ecosystems. It's a lot to do with its size. Sea lampings are big compared to native species, so it comes from the ocean somehow or another. And they can live in fresh water? That's crazy.

Well, apparently the girl, I think her name's Maria Bell, was the first person to ever swim across Lake Ontario, and she had to swim through schools of those, apparently, when she swam across Lake Ontario.

Oh, my God. Imagine those little fuckers grabbing a hold of your asshole.

Yeah, they're the perfect... They almost got asshole suckers for mouths. They're perfect. Jesus. I hate to see Dimitri around one of those.

So in the 1950s, US and Canada teamed up for population control measures, and they have worked several strategies, including traps to capture adult lampreys, lampresize poison, target sea lamprey larva, and installing barriers or few tactics to use. So far working. Look at that. What's it saying? That's a good thing. Left multiple. I see lampreys could significantly damage the region's $7 billion fishing industry. Lampreys. Creepy little fuckers.

Yeah. And then the remora.

You know how weird that thing is?

The remora has a suction cup on its head. So the top of its head is a suction cup. Look at that. And I was sexually assaulted in Florida. I had been eating a bacon sandwich and spilled some on my lap and went swimming, and that thing sucked me for about an hour and a half.

Look at the top of its head.

Well, someone's not paying attention.

I'm paying attention.

I had a sexual assault and you glazed right over it.

I didn't believe you. Well, it's true. It lasted too long.

I can show you the suck mark.

For like 30 seconds, I said, Oh, my God, that thing clung to his leg for 30 seconds.

But maybe I wanted to last. Remember, you're talking to the dryer sex guy here.

Right, the guy with the baby inside.

Do you know that the Spanish- What does it say, suckerfish, laches to swimmer?

There you go.

Look at her.

She's hot.

But you know the Spanish fishermen, there was a time when you could eat sea turtles. And the remora will swim to whatever is moving because they feed off of... They're like parasitic fish. When the shark eats, they'll catch all the scrap. So Spanish fishermen, to their ingenuity, they used to eat sea turtles. And when they'd catch a remora, they'd keep it alive in the boat. And when they saw a sea turtle, they'd put it on their line, throw it in the water. The remoras would go to the sea turtles, stick on the shell, and they'd reel in sea turtles. Really? They used to be able to eat them. Yeah.

That's how they got... No, you're making this up.

No, that's for real. This was in the past.

They clung to the sea turtle, and that's how they pulled it. They used it like a magnet to get sea turtles.

You saw the size of the sucker on its head, right? So it would stick to the sea turtle, and then they could, in essence, pull in the... Really? Yeah. See, there's one. Wow. Yeah. So if you want to go fishing for sea turtles later, let me know.

That's crazy. Yeah.

Some good sucking going on in the ocean.

They used to take the sea turtles and flip them on their back and put them in the bottom of the ship. Then when they wanted to eat one, they just pick it up. Because when you flip them on their back, they can't turn over. So they just lay there. And they could stay alive for a long time without food or water.

Yeah, because they're air breather.

Yeah. So you just leave them in there until you want to cook one.

Yeah, throw a leave over it.

Pick it up. It's like fresh food. I've I've seen a bunch of videos of people cooking and eating sea turtles in other countries because there's some cooking show or fishing show where some guy went with them and you're not allowed to do it, but you can be there while people are doing it. If you're an American, you're not allowed to kill a sea turtle. But in some parts of the world, their local culture, in some places, Inuits are allowed to eat whale.

They can kill whale, they can kill walrus.

Seals, all that stuff. So these people are allowed to kill sea turtles. But there's something really disturbing about watching a sea turtle get hacked apart.

Yeah, because they're so gentle.

I know. And they're so like, What is happening?

Yeah, they're just like little dummies when they're not around.

They're not like a fish. Fish is just like their eyes don't move that good. They just move around a little. You're so removed from me. I'm going to cut your head off and serve you a sushi.

They're so sweet. I was just in the Galápagos Island swimming underwater with sea turtles holding their flippers.

Also-so sweet. That's cute. Also sea turtles- Trying to seem tough, but- Turtles are away He's always good guys.

Yeah.

In movies, Ninja Turtles, they're the good guys. Turtles are your friend.

Yeah, they're buddies.

Yeah, they're your wise pal. The turtle's never cunt. It's never a cunty turtle. In movie depictions.

Yeah.

Can you think of a cunty turtle? God. Remember that giant turtle that fought Godzilla? And the fire would come out of his shell.

There you go.

There's your example. He would go fly. He would spit around.

What was his name again? Conti?

No, I don't think so. But like turtles, that's one of those things that happens with people. That's why people love bears because you have Teddy bears. You have Teddy bears and you got Yogi and only you could prevent forest fires, all that stuff. Like, oh, bears are your friends. They're sweet. It's what a great PR campaign. These murderous assassins have pulled off. Getting us to reintroduce them into areas where people are. Like, we're your friends. They're not. They're monsters. Big ass monsters with a good PR campaign.

Polar bears will eat you faster than they'll do anything else.

Here's a fact. Owls are dumb.

I thought they were wise.

I did, too. I talked to a woman who trains birds, and she had all these different birds. She had Hawks and Paragon, Falcons, and all. She's like, Owels are the dumbest. There's only one animal dumber than them. That's one of those big animals, one of those big birds, rather, that's dumber than them. One of them big birds from Australia. What are those things called? Emu? That's it. That one's dumber. Really? That's the only animal that's dumber than an owl. Just like, Owls are so dumb.

I thought they were wise. I had one brewing outside of my house about two weeks ago, keeping me awake all night. I'm like, How do you deal with the wisest of all the birds? I go outside, I throw a Rubik's Cube up into the tree. It comes back 30 seconds later, perfectly done. I don't think they're that dumb. Wow.

I had to work- Maybe you got an autistic kid living in your tree.

Yeah. Johnny, I'm trying to sleep. Come down, Johnny.

He's up there counting out loud.

So check this out, Joe.

He's doing long math in his head.

He's up there eating celery.

Five thousand divided by 16.

He's with a beautiful mind.

She threw him that fucking ruby.

Throws it back to you.

He keeps going on with his mouth.

I did do a movie once where I played a Wizard, and I had a Eurasian eagle owl. I think they're the biggest of all the owls. And they trained it to land on my arm on the big leather glove. And I'd never worked with owls up close like that. And the trainer, he was sitting like this with his talons, and the trainer said, Grab the back talon and pull And I said, Well, I don't want to hurt the thing. He said, No, pull it. So I grabbed the back and I gave it a tug and it didn't move. And he goes, No, pull it as hard as you can. And these are these big claws. I grab it, I could not move it. And he goes, This is what an owl's death grip feels like. When it clanks onto something, it's over. I could not believe the strength in that talent. It was crazy. Yeah, I mean, they're raptors.

Yeah. They're just wild. They're claws. When you see an eagle's claw, when they give you a close up, it's like a human hand, but with spears at the tip of the fingers.

But I didn't understand the strength of them. So strong. Much stronger than your hands.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Well, imagine what they do when they just snatch a salmon out of the water and fly away with it. I tried it. Look at those things, man. That's insane. I mean, that is straight up dinosaur tools. Look at that. It's crazy. It's fucking great. And look at all the texture to it. And all the muscles and 10. What a monster.

And way more powerful than you would think just by looking at it. Oh, yeah. I actually... If you look at the claws of the osprey. Look at that, owls. Those are fake.

He's got two hands, bro. That's real. No, that's the wise owl. That's the real wise owl.

That can't be. I don't think those are real. He reads books with those. Yeah.

He's up there in the tree reading books.

I didn't even see the problem with it at first.

I was like, What's wrong with it?

Oh, yeah, okay.

Yeah. Welcome to the internet. But I was so shocked that owls are dumb.

Yeah, why? It's really dumb. Whoa, look at those claws. Is that the Eurasian eagle owl?

Oh, my God. Great horned owl. Look at those things. That's so amazing.

That's what took my Chihuahua. Did it really? Yeah, I had a Chihuahua and one of those baskets because they're big, too. Oh, they're big. Those are fairly big. They get a lot of cats. Imagine my little Chihuahua getting picked apart by that I have a friend, and he was telling...

I think Steve Rinella was telling us on the podcast, was he? About they found this one owl's nest, and it was filled with cats, little callers. Oh, wow. Yeah, it was like 30 different cat collars. Something like that. Yeah. What the fuck, man? They're just snatching cats out of people's backyards. Yeah.

Like I said, it's a tabby. Yeah.

.

Gone.

Gone. It's not even a sound.

If you hear this, if you're...

You ever heard the difference between the sound an owl makes when it flies? They've done like these... Where they record the noise. There is no sound. It's insane. It's silent. When you see a Hawk do it or an eagle do it. There's all this different birds have noise, and then the owl makes no fucking noise.

The aerodynamics of an owl, they're like stealth bombers. Just silent.

The other wild one is tuna. When tuna go through the water, they can go the water to grab someone and grab something, and they don't even make a ripple. When they go over the top of the water, it's crazy. I watched a video of it. It's bizarre.

Wait, when they jump?

Yeah. No, when they're going through the top of the water, they just slide through it like a knife.

Like a knife, yeah.

So that's a Hawk.

Yeah.

Now watch the owl.

It's Kenza's turn. Nothing. Silent.

Silent. Silent. Silent nighttime killer. Dumb as shit. Big stupid head with giant eyes. Dumb as shit. Just fucking killing everything you can.

They're not that dumb. They got to be smarter than a woodpecker?

I think woodpeckers are way smarter. Really? I don't know.

What about a blue heron?

I don't think you can train a woodpecker. This lady probably has a limited database to work with. Everything she's got on her arm is like a raptor, except for the owlor. The falcons, she said, are the hardest. Hawks and falcons, she goes, They just kill everything. You let them go, they just go find things. They'll kill squirrels. They just can't stop killing. She goes, These things just like they're killing machines. She goes, I let them go, they just find things and kill it immediately. Find a bird, kill it. Fly up to the bird, kill it. They come back to her, but they just go kill things first.

Oh, this is a trained falcon?

Yeah, they're all trained, but it doesn't matter. If you let a Hawk go, Hawks just go find something to kill. What do I got to kill? They just fly around like, Oh, bird. Boom, dead. They're not even trying to eat it. Squirl, fuck you. Bam. Kill that squirrel.

So sport killing.

Sport killing. Really? They're just designed to kill.

Because not a lot of animals do that.

Some animals can't help themselves.

Lions do it to hyenas.

Yeah, I bet that lion did it to that lady in that car. I bet she wasn't eating it. I bet that was a little bit of sport.

There's another old video where some Danish guy is going through a lion safari with his wife and kids, and he got out. He was with his camera. Oh, no. And literally, the kids and the wife, you see them in the car going bizarre, and his legs are kicking in the air, and the lion just came and devoured him right in front of the wife and kids. Like the idiot got out.

Some people are just fucking stupid. That's Darwin, right? Yeah. That's the whole idea. It's like, those people are not supposed to make it.

Yeah.

You're not supposed to make it.

But they've already bred.

That's That's the problem. At least the kid has the benefit of seeing his dad. My dad was so dumb. You can have a dumb dad and get through things and be a different person than your dad was. And if you're a dumb kid and your dad is dumb as shit, your dad gets out and gets eaten by a lion in front of you, that has a profound effect.

I got to be honest.

Not even saying that kid's dumb. Maybe that kid's a genius. You could have a genius kid, be stupid.

I got to be honest, though, Joe, in this world we live in where humans expire primarily in a hospital bed or at home and around their loved ones with a disease, with whatever, cancer. I really would rather die like jumping a lion. At the family function, how did he die? He attacked a lion.

He went out on his shield. Huh? Yeah, he went out on your shield.

Yeah. I want to noble the death of a warrior, Going back to that story, this is going to sound ridiculous.

No way.

Yeah. But going back to the story where I told you I saw the lion when my hand was shaking. There was that terrified part of me. This is for real. There were two male lions, no one else in the middle of Africa. Part of me wanted to jump out of the truck and just run at the lion and attack it, knowing that I'd die, but knowing that it would be the most glorious death of a man with courage or stupidity, but at least I would die in a fashion where Spectacular way. In the real world, organic, nature, man versus beast, beast versus beast, because I don't like to think of us as superior to other creatures. But that actually popped into my head. I thought, I don't want to expire in the leukemia ward. I don't want to be in hospice. I've lived a good life. Imagine I just run at a lion. In that last moment, I get to see the shock in its face of a human daring to jump on it and grab it. And they would have been on me in a second, but I don't know. Is that weird? No.

Have you ever thought how you want to die?

Well, if you're going to die, especially if you're older and you know it's soon, that's a good way to go.

What are you saying?

Just run at that line next time.

Have you ever thought about that? No. Would you be fine just expiring in a hospital bed?

Yeah, that's better than being torn apart in front of your family.

Yeah, I'm not saying do it in front of your family. What about the other people that are there with you? No, not in front of your family, but if you just have that one-on-one moment. How are you going to get to the line?

Someone's going to take you to the line.

Let's say you're out hunting a griz, and one day you just go, you know what? You put the rifle down and you just run at them and go, This is how I want to go. Punching a grizz in the face. No one you're going to die, but you go out in that wild-Punching a grizz in the face is like an aunt punching you.

It's like being attacked by a kitten with no claws.

It is. But you get that moment of being a man, of feeling that power. You'd rather just have a heart attack.

Yeah. Okay. Yeah, that's a stupid way to die. Well, I mean, it's one thing if you get attacked by an animal when you're out in the woods. It's like, hey, this is the price you pay for being in nature.

You get to experience real nature. But see, that's the thing, you revert. They attack us. Why can't we attack them now. Flip it around. Okay. I'd like to.

Yeah, you can.

Okay. Maybe I'm even inviting you to come with me to do it.

If you ever find out that you're going to die and that's how you want to go, I'll go. You'd come with me? Yeah, definitely. I'll bring a rifle in case you change your mind. If you're like, as you're running like, Joe, I changed my mind. Boom. I'll have my crosshairs on them.

You wouldn't run to the animal with me?

No. No, I'll be there to watch. If you want me to.

Yeah, I love that.

Okay. It'll be a special moment with Cher. I love Cher. I'll be there when you pass over into the next stage. But you got to do me a favor. If heaven's real, if there is an afterlife, whatever it is, just let me know. Oh, I would. Come back and tell me. Come in a dream. Tell me in a dream.

Yeah.

Have you had a dream of someone who died? It seemed like super realistic.

Oh. Yes. I think I have.

What was it?

It might have been my dad.

Oh.

Yeah. I just remember being really sad, like he's gone, and there was this wave of emptyness because my mother did die. And are your parents still with us? Yes. So when my mother died, this hole formed in my heart. It literally felt like a hole, and it can't close. I can come to peace with it. I can be in harmony with the fact that she's gone. I wasn't even super close with my mom, but the hole that got left in my heart, it's like, oh, if I focus on it, I can feel it immediately. It's just that connection to the mother, the person that brought you this world. It's really, really powerful.

And so in the dream, what happened with your dad?

I can't remember. It's foggy. What I remember more than the actual moment is that feeling, that feeling of emptyness, that, oh, they're gone, just gone forever. And it was really this sad, crushing feeling on my soul. It's powerful.

I had a dream after Phil Hartman died, and it wasn't that long after his death. And in the dream, I ran into him, and it was very realistic because we were outside, and he had one of those folding lawns in chairs, and it was on the ground. I said, Hello. He was explaining to me that him and his wife had worked it out. This is after his wife killed him.

You were right there, too, right?

I wasn't there when it happened.

No, but you were working the show when it happened, right?

Yeah. Jesus. He laughed about it like, Yeah, we had a lot to work through, but we're good now. Something along those lines. And then he sat down on the lawn chair and fell backwards. It stumbled backwards. And then I looked and he was gone. It was really weird. And then I realized it was a dream. And then I woke up. But I remember thinking in the moment, that seems so realistic. He was telling me he's okay. Because I tried to get him to divorce that lady a bunch of times. Really? I was working with him. Yeah, because they would fight like crazy fights where he would just disappear for a couple. He would leave the house and he was telling me he wanted to get divorced, but he didn't want the lawyers to take a third because it's like, I was like, Just give it. Third?

How about a half?

No, it's two thirds. So the lawyer takes a third. This is what he was telling me. He's like, I go, just Give her a half. You're always going to make money. Just get out, be free. And he was terrified of that. He was terrified of leaving. And so when he finally decided to leave, she murdered him in his sleep. She shot him and then she shot herself. And my friend who was a cop was actually there when she shot herself.

Oh, so that happened when the police approach the house? Yes. Oh, wow.

Yeah. The police broke into the house to try to save the kids, and she shot herself. The kids ran away from their mom, he told me. I hadn't done stand-up in two weeks after the murder. I just couldn't imagine anything being funny. And then I decided two weeks later to try to go to the Comedy Store. So I'm at the gas station. And while I was at the gas station, my friend who was a cop was there. And I was like, Hey, what's up? How are you doing? He goes, Hey, how are you doing? You good? And I go, Yeah. He goes, I was there. I go, Really? And then he told me the whole story about how he was there. And they saw the mom in the bathroom with the gun. The kids ran away from the mom when the cops broke down the door because the cops saw her in the bathroom with the gun. A lot of times in murder suicides, the mother will kill her children, too. Yeah, of course. She was in there with the gun talking to the kids, and the kids flicked out. Then when they broke down the front door, the kids ran away from the mom, and she just blew her brains out.

The only good side is they didn't see her do that, I'm guessing.

I'm hoping they didn't see that. There's no good side. I mean, there's no good You lose your mother and your father in a murder, homicide in one night, and you're like, What? I mean, there's no good side.

With your intuition, obviously, you were advising Phil to get away. Yeah. Was there ever a foresight in your head that she would murder him? No.

Wow. No.

Isn't that funny how we just don't know people?

First of all, she was also on Zoloft and cocaine, and the family won some settlement with Zoloft. Zoloft. Not much, but there's instances where people mix Zoloft with cocaine, that they have psychotic reactions. I suspect that's what was going on. They hated each other. Really? They loved each other and they hated each other. It was one of those deals. She would insult him publicly. It was rough, man. I was just saying, you're a great guy. You need to be going through this. You need to get divorced and share custody of your kids and try to set an example and just not... You can't do this. The fighting was so bad. And he hated it. He didn't want to be married to her. He was stuck. And I told him, You can't just stay stuck and just let these circumstances overcome your existence.

No matter how hard it is, you have to push through.

So we had a break. We were done filming for a bit. So we went back for the next season. And one day I woke up and someone called me and told me. And then I saw it on the news and it was just like, what? And then everybody was calling everybody and we all got together. We were like, fuck. It's just so hard to believe. It doesn't make sense. It's like, how?

Was he your buddy? Were you friends with him off set? Did you chum around and stuff?

Yeah, he actually took me up in his plane once to find where I wound up buying a house because he goes, One of the cool things about flying is I can show you. Because he had gotten his pilot license while we were on the show together. Yeah. And so he was always practicing that he bought one of these single-engine planes. It was pretty cool. And so he said, You want to come up for a flight? I'll show you around. I'm like, Yeah, let's do it. And so we flew around the valley and he showed me all these different areas. He was a great guy, man.

Did you- Sweet, sweet guy. Given the turmoil in his relationship, were you privy to the knowledge that they had a gun in the house? No, I had no idea. Because when you're going through something bad with a spouse, I don't think it's good having a gun in the house because someone could flip like that.

I guess. Yeah, that's a horrible thing to think. But I don't even know whose gun it was. I don't know anything. I don't know if it was her gun. I don't know if he knew about the gun. I don't know.

Damn. Yeah.

But that dream, the dream was so strange because the dream was him letting me know he's fine. He was Phil. He was laughing. He was like... He made some a joke about his wife killing him. And we got through that now. And then he sat down on the lawn chair and fell backwards. It slipped back. And I think I looked down at the ground and I looked at him and he was gone. And I was like, Oh, this is a dream. And then I woke up.

Did you feel closure? Yeah, weirdly.

It felt like it was him letting me know not to freak out about it.

Yeah, let it go. Yeah.

But you're always going to freak out about it. You freak out about the kids. The kids is a big one. You just can't imagine what it'd be like if that was you, if you were a kid. And then all of a sudden, your Mom shoots your dad and shoots herself. And then it's public. It's not just that it's this thing that you have to deal with. It's the thing that everybody wants to talk to you about because the whole world knows about it because he was a famous guy.

Yeah. Well, not only famous, but He loved. He was loved. But what really was hard to get your head around is you have this guy who's an extreme comedy force, right? Yeah. And you don't think of joyous comedy, people that elicit laughter and violence like that. And so the fact here was this funny, ha, ha, ha guy that brought so much laugh. And then that ending, it just doesn't fit.

Not only that, it's like, when does the wife kill the husband with a gun? How often is that?

That's so rare. Execution style in the sleep. While they're sleeping. Oh, my God. What must have been going through her head, too.

Zoloft and cocaine.

Yeah. What's Zoloft?

It's an antidepressant, SSRI. Oh, wow. Yeah. We'll Google the side effects of mixing Zoloft with cocaine. I think there's a few psychiatric medications that if you mix with alcohol or if you mix with cocaine, you get really crazy behavior. People just go off the fucking rails. I don't know even how much control they have. I don't know what that feels like. What does that feel like? You're on Zoloft and cocaine. You might be fucking a raving maniac. Yeah. You know? Just that name. Do you got anything on that?

Zoloft. Just that name sounds like it's crazy time.

Sounds like it's from the Star Trek.

Yeah, it sounds like one of the planets they landed on, right? Zoloft is not comforting. The Zolofts are here.

I wonder if they named it that to make it seem like it's super advanced. Like you're going to take Zoloft. Oh, it's fucking super advanced.

It just sounds like nutty time. That's going to fix it. Yeah.

That's going to fix it. If there was a legitimate happy pill that worked like that with everybody, that gave you a low dose of MDMA all throughout the day, it's probably a good thing for everybody. Yeah. As long as there's no side effects.

I'm mixed on that. Because I think we were bioengineered to have what we have. On a daily basis, if you start tinkering with what the structure was, how it was already the architecture of the structure, I feel like it's not maybe necessarily a good thing.

Taking cocaine and antidepressants can interfere with your medication's ability to balance the levels of neurotransmitters in your brain, making them ineffective and possibly worsening your symptoms. Essentially, antidepressants are meant to correct any chemical imbalances that may contribute to depression such as low serotonin. Cocaine, on the other hand, is abused to spike dopamine. When do you say abused? How about used, buddy? To spike dopamine and serotonin levels, producing an energetic and euphoric high. Although this rush of dopamine and serotonin makes them feel great for a few minutes, mixing antidepressants in cocaine can produce serotonin syndrome, which is marked by symptoms like confusion, anxiety, fear, diarrhea, vomiting, seizures, and coma. Additionally, taking cocaine with other drugs also increases the individual's risk of addiction. Chronic users often require cocaine addiction treatment and treatment for cocaine withdrawal symptoms to recover. Is there mixing Zoloft and cocaine psychotic behavior? Google that. Oh, there's got to be. Because I think that was something that in limited numbers of people, they had observed some Like, craziness.

Yeah. That's a poor guy, man. Sorry, dude. That's a dramatic story.

Yeah, it's a rough story. But it happened 25 years ago or whatever it was.

Still, it's just like, Crazy.

Crazy to believe. It's hard to believe. It's hard to believe that someone could do that to someone that they're married to, that they have children with, that they love, supposedly. That you would lose your mind that far, that you would shoot them in the sleep.

It's fucking Well, it's the Jimmy Hendrix, Jim Morison from the doors, Janice Joplin syndrome. They were cut down. They left us with who knows what else to offer us. So many untold jokes, stories, moments. Phil Hartman was obviously multi-talented as an actor, too.

He was an artist as well. He's still an album cover.

He did a bunch of album covers. To see what would still come because I think didn't he get killed in his late 30s? No, he's in his 40s.

I don't think he even- More to He made it onto Saturday Night Live until he was in his late 30s. The thing of him is he was a grinder for so long, and he was so talented, and just didn't make it until he did. Then everybody was like, Oh, my God, this guy's amazing. He was fucking great on news radio, too. He was such a good comedic actor. So funny, man. So good at delivering a line. Such a professional. It was interesting because he came over from Saturday Night Live, which was this really competitive, shitty environment. They snipe at each other and do horrible things to each other behind the scenes. They do? Yeah, he told me it was terrible. When he came to news radio, to the sitcom, which was the opposite, everybody was very loose. Everybody was silly. We'd all go out drinking together. It was a good time. There wasn't any weird shittiness. Oh, good. He had to adjust. So he would tell me about it. He used to like to smoke a little weed. So I'd hang out with him. This was back when I wasn't smoking weed. He'd smoke a little weird.

We'd talk about stuff. He hated being there. It was just all backstabbers.

Yeah, I've heard that story at SNL.

Yeah, they'll steal your ideas for your sketches. Jim Brewer had horrible stories about that where they He had sketch ideas and he had put them in this spreadsheet and they could read the spreadsheet of what you were going to do these sketches on. Other senior writers would steal those sketches and say, We're doing something on that. And just like, Fuck you, man. It was just this constant battle. He said he had it with cast members, he had it with writers.

Phil was like, That's not conducive for comedy. That's just the worst.

Yeah, it's the worst for comedy. But that's like that really weak man, backstabbing shit when they get power. That happens when they have too much power unchecked and no one's watching them and they get away with things like stealing younger writers' premises. It's all dog eat dog. Everybody's just trying to get to the top. That's always been a part of stand-up. Always been a part of comedies, people stealing people's bits and the famous person steals them and the unfamous person's fucked and destroys their lives. We've seen it happen before.

Has anyone ripped you off ever?

Yeah, sure. Bunch times. Yeah. I confronted people and they told me they wouldn't do it again. Then I heard they were doing it again. There's certain people that have always been Bucaneers. They've always been joke Bucaneers. They don't have any friends, those people. They sometimes have a vampire familiar opening act. So this opening act will go with them, and they'll steal bits from them, too. There was a bunch of guys that got away with that before the internet rolled around. There was a predatory type of comedian that would just poach other people's premises and rework them. They didn't have any... There was nothing that they did that was creative on their Everything was derivative of somebody else's work. Everything.

I always heard, and I'm sure he could do anything he wanted on his own volition, but I had always heard stories that Robin Williams was that guy. Did you ever hear anything about that?

I heard a lot of stories that he was that guy. I think Robin Williams was so part of that manic style. It's this constant need to have a bit about anything that you're talking about ever. Killing, I think, was more important, and filling that hole inside of him was more important than anything. And so he would just do other people's stuff if he didn't have anything to say.

Did he get confronted by other comedians?

Oh, yeah. There's a lot of stories. Kinison got mad at him. Oh, really?

He stole from Kinison?

Yeah, he stole from everybody. He stole from a lot of people. So it is true.

I'd always heard that. Yeah.

Yeah, it's true. If you ask any of those comics from back then, there's always instances of Robin going on a talk show and doing your bit or going on this and doing your bit. Yeah. Doing your bit at a club. Yeah.

With him, do you think it was because he was just so spontaneous, he would just puke it out?

That's not real. There's no way. I think he wanted to kill more than he wanted to be ethical.

So at any cost, I will kill.

Yeah, at any cost. Especially back then when no one was really watching you other than comedians. Even up into the 2000s, the Mencia thing happened in 2007. Even then, they were more willing to side with someone who they thought thought was more profitable than the truth about what is this person doing and how are they getting this material? This is pretty clear that they're plagiarizing. If it's any other form of entertainment, like music, they'll bring you to court and you lose. Then all the money from those songs has to come to the original person because you copied their song. That's a classic thing. Happens in literature all the time. That woman who was the President of Harvard got busted plagiarizing. She's not a President of Harvard anymore. There's consequences always. But in comedy, it's always been self-policed. It's a weird thing, that thing that people do, where they try to spawn off other people's bits as their own. It's a vampire thing because you're around all these creative people and you're just stealing a little bit from this guy, a little bit from that guy. People are scared of you.

Did you ever put a guy up against the No, I didn't have to do that. How come?

Because I just said things.

Like you just verbally-I just said, Hey, man, don't do my fucking material anymore.

You know that's my material. Just like that. They're probably still going to do it unless you want to hurt them. But it's like the thing about those people is they always get caught, and when they get caught, everything after that sucks. This is how you know if a thief is legitimately a thief. If they're being unjustly accused, they're always going to come up with new material. They're always going to be creative. They're always going to have new great jokes because they're actually writing and working on it. But if it's true, what you see is an initial special or something or a few things they do that are really funny. Then you see this massive drop off in the concepts that they talk about, the irony that they discover. They don't have any legitimate points where you're like, Wow, that is crazy. There's none of It all goes away. It becomes almost like a person doing an impression of the original successful person because they have no creativity. Now they're exposed, so now they have to be really careful. You see that with every thief. You see a couple early big specials or something, and then you see massive drop off and terrible performances after that.

It's because they're not real.

Yeah, I think I can think of a few.

They're parasites. That's what they are. They're vampires, and they're stealing from artists. They're tolerated a lot of times because they're very successful. One of the creepy things they do is they start hiring people to work for them. They'll have a television show or something, and they'll hire legitimate people to work for them. Those people now become like confidants. They keep it under wraps. They try to defend that person publicly. It's a very slick PR move for scumbags.

Some of those people working for them could be writers that will steal for them, too, on their behalf.

That becomes a problem, too. One of the things that we noticed in the early days of the store is that the guys who are steeds, their opening acts would become steeds. Because even if the opening acts had potential, and some of them got out of it and actually became legit comics eventually, but they were seeing the shortcuts that this guy was taken. They were seeing this guy driving a Mercedes, and they're like, I want to take shortcuts, too. This is how you do it. If you want to get by, this is my mentor. If that's your mentor, if your mentor is a Bucaneer, and you're like, Okay, I guess this is a fucking... I thought it was an artist. I guess it's a doggy dog world. Eventually, I'll stop stealing, but right now, I got to make it.Bad approach.

Crazy. Kind of crazy.

Did anyone ever approach you and say, Hey, Rogan, that's my bet?

No. I have had people approach me where I know that it wasn't their bit, and I know they were trying to steal a bit. Oh, really? One of the things that Thiefs will do, I actually do a bit on that, too. You're like, That's really interesting because I've been doing this bit for two years and you've seen me do comedy. What do we do in here? There's a they do to let you know, Hey, I didn't steal this from you, but I have a bid on that, too. But you did, didn't you? There's those moments.

It's that little poke the cage.

Then there's also public events, like some big thing that happens. Everyone's going to have a bid on it. Like the submarine. You can't say, Hey, I do a bid on the submarine.

The wall, the border wall.

Everybody's got a bid on the border wall. There's certain things where it's just you know. But we know know who's writing. We see them. We see them go up. If you go to the mothership on any given night, someone's going to do a joke at the bombs. Then that joke, maybe next time, they'll tweak it. Maybe they come up in the green room. This many times has happened. One of us will say a joke. I'll say a joke. I'm like, This joke is just fucking... I can't go anywhere with it. I know there's something there, but I can't. We'll fuck around. We'll bounce off each other. We'll network it. Then someone will go up with the version of it that's tightened up, and then it starts killing. We got it.

It works.

It's this cooperative project. But it's just if you're not doing that, then you're not creating new material because the new material is never perfect. It's always sometimes it is. Sometimes you have a bit like, it came to you. Every now and then. It came to you, and it's hilarious right away, and it stays in that same form. But then a lot of times, you know there's something there, but you don't know how you're going to extract it.

Some of my favorite moments is I'm one of these guys, I don't know why I do this. I think it's for the thrill of the kill. But I love to go to the show early, like at the store or whatever. I'll go like two comics early, and I'll sit in the back, and I don't know what my opening bit is going to be. And I realized those two comics have between them about, I don't know, 25 minutes. They're doing 12 minutes each. And I go between them and me going up, I got to come with my opening bit, and I'll create it as I'm in the back of the room. I call it like swimming, reaching for air when you're drowning. Right.

Well, you know you have to say something. I have to do it. So it forces your brain to come up with something funny to say it off the top.

Right. And I'll go up and do it as... And again, the opening bit is always the hardest. So if you can lay a new bomb as your opening bit that you just came up with, I love doing that.

That's a great way to put yourself under pressure. Oh, I love it.

I love it.

Have you done Bottom of the Barrel yet at the mothership? No, what's that? We did it last night. Next time you're in town on a Tuesday night, Brian Simpson, who we just called.

Oh, are you reaching the bucket? Yes. Yeah, I did it about a month ago.

That's the best. Yeah. Because your back is against the wall. Shane and I did it last night for a half an hour. We do it together sometimes. Oh, wow. So Shane and I went up at the end of the show. Oh, my God. We had so much fun.

That's it. It's fun, man.

We had so much fun. It was so much. We're laughing. We're laughing so hard. I'm laughing at him. We're laughing at each other. We're laughing at the audience. The audience is laughing. It was like such a party because they know we're just pulling these things out.

Yeah, you pull out words, right? Yeah. You pull out words. You got it. Oh, yeah.

So it It's cool as a team thing, too, because sometimes he's ranting about something, we're all laughing. While it's happening, I'll pull in the bucket, try to find another good one. What's the next one going to be? So we got one on deck. But it's like having that thing where you're forced to up with something funny in the moment. It's a good little exercise for creativity.

Yeah. And what I'm getting at, too, is when it hits, when you do that, it's like a 40, 60 ratio a lot of the time.

Right.

40% success. When you get that one that you just came up with and it's 100%, maybe even 110, they're rare, but it's like, oh, yeah.

Did you see the Andrew Schultz thing that he did about Los Angeles, where he's like, Everybody's saying that you guys are a bunch of drug addicts and perverts and psychopaths, but that's just one part of LA called Diddy's House. He goes in this diddy bit. He came up with that in the green room before the show. Derek was there while he was getting ready. He was trying to… Nails it in front of everybody. I love it. The first time he did it, kills.

It's a great exercise because Because you know you've got the rest of your whole act. In my brain, I go, Let's go up and dive on the sword, see if I can mine some gold. If I don't, I don't because I got 12 minutes or 30 minutes in the chamber that I know works. I love that opening few minutes where you just throw it out there.

Yeah, it's good.

It's exciting.

Yeah, just putting yourself in a situation. Sometimes when you're on stage and you're doing a bit, you ever go in an other direction just to see where it goes? Just take a little turn. Oh, yeah. Just see. Never know. Maybe that turn becomes the best part of the bit.

Oh, absolutely.

But if you don't do that, so that's how you tell the difference between Thiefs and comics. Thiefs, they don't do that. All of a sudden, they just have bits.

Yeah. No. Switching gears in the moment is amazing. Back to what you're saying about SNL, that's one of the reasons I love the purity of what we do is because you can deviate. You can create your own meandering pathway as opposed to structured sketches and stuff like that. I don't know. It just lets you soar, man. Yeah.

I mean, you're great in sketches. You're great and dumber and dumber. That was fucking awesome.

Oh, thank you. That was hilarious.

It was funny seeing you in there because you were one of my first friends that was in a giant movie. I was like, damn, look at Harland.

Yeah, it was probably right around when I met you, it was my first movie and it was like, oh, no. Do you want some celery?

Does that help? I think it just makes it. If you rub it. Jamie, tuck me those paper towels.

What is that? Tea?

No, coffee. I like this T-shirt. I don't want to fuck it up. Yeah, we're lucky as fuck, dude. We're lucky that we get to do this for a living. You and I have been doing it for so fucking long.

Jesus, I'm sorry.

What are you doing, you dick? No, it's just What are you doing over there? You pulling your tape from him out? You're preparing. You did more preparation for this show.

Joe. It's Dimitri. He's such a sick fuck.

You really should go to jail. You should go to jail. We should deport you. We send you back to Canada for what you've done to me. This is so fucking stupid. You had to see it's warm.

It's been in my groin for two hours.

He had He's just in his pants the entire time.

You won't touch the cauliflower that's deliver. You'll touch my groin more.

I'm not into plants, but I really like sneaks. Harland Williams, you're the fucking man. I love you to death.

Thanks for being here. Dude, I'm so honored. Thanks for having me, Daddy. Let's do it again. It's great. I would be honored. Let's do it again.

I'm going to need to recover for a few months, but then we'll do it.

Take Dimitri with you.

Okay, I'll leave him on the table. He'll stay here forever. Okay, good. This is his new home. He will live amongst the arrowheads and skulls and shit.Thank.

You, Joe.My.

Pleasure, brother.

It's great to see you.

It's great to be your friend, to know you all these years.Thank.

You, Tito.I love you to death.

You're awesome.Thank you, brother. You, too. All right. Bye, everybody, too.Thank you.Bye, everybody.