Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast. You ever had someone in your life that you really wish would change? You know, you just wish that they would get motivated and lose 20 pounds or 50 pounds or stop at one glass of wine. My husband, for example, he wishes I wouldn't use so many f bombs after I've had a drink. Maybe you wish that the person that you love would get motivated and find a new job, a better job. Or you wish that they just dressed a little nicer, you know, took some pride in how they look. Forget dying with dignity. Let's just try to live with some dignity. Or maybe you wish that they would pick up their clothes. Why do the clothes need to be everywhere? Or maybe you wish that they would go to therapy and get help with depression. one, it prevents you from being open to other ideas, other possibilities.Maybe you don't want to have a glass of wine when you cook dinner. Maybe you don't want to be playing poker with your buddies in their garage every Saturday night. You really would like to get started on that real estate business you've been thinking about for years. But instead, we argue for our side. In fact, at the University of Toronto, there is a doctor. He's also a professor, doctor Keith Stanovich. He's a psychologist that teaches there. He has done so much research on my side biased. He's considered the scientist. Scientists, when it comes to the field of cognitive science. And some of the research that I dug up as I was looking at this because I was curious, why are we so resistant to change? Why is it that when a friend of ours wants to roll out of bed and go to the gym at 07:00 in the morning, we tend to roll our eyes instead of rolling out of bed with them? Well, it has to do with this, my side bias. In fact, there's interesting research here, and this is why I. It's so important for you to do what Chris did, which is don't try to make somebody else change.Don't try to make them have the water instead of the wine. Don't try to make them positive when they're wallowing. Don't try to make them healthy when they're not. Because based on the research, when you give somebody a lecture, which is basically the way that it feels, when somebody says, you know, you should lose some weight, maybe you're drinking a little bit, that's a lecture. Only 3% of people change when they feel like the change is being forced upon them. 3%. Those are not great odds. You want to know better odds? When they think it's their idea, 37% of people will change when they believe the idea came from themselves. That is so important, because if you actually would love to see people in your life make positive changes, you have to operate so that they believe the change is their own. So let me go back to the example with Chris. So if Chris had told me that he thinks I have a drinking problem, I would resist that because of the my side bias, I would argue, oh, no, I don't. But when he says, nobody cares what's in your glass but you, and if you're concerned about what's in your glass based on what I'm doing, then you need to think about what you should be doing.Mel, by asking that question and forcing me to think about my own behavior and my own choices, of course, whatever I do next is going to become my idea, because he's forced me to think about what I actually want to do. So, back to Daniel. I'm sure, Dan, your wife feels judged. So, first of all, apologize if anything that you've done in terms of your enthusiasm made your wife feel less than super simple thing to do, you can certainly invite her to participate with you. But do not tell her to. Do not lecture her about it. Do not force anything on her at all. Because now, you know, only 3% of people ever change when they feel like the change is something somebody else wants them to do or is forcing them to do or is lecturing them about. So that's takeaway number one. Takeaway number two, you can ask your wife questions. Why does this bother you? What about what I'm doing inspires you? You know, is there anything that you would want me to change? Invite that kind of dialog, and you're going to open something up, because if your wife or your spouse or your partner, your roommate, your friend, whatever, like, let's take this broader than Dan's question.If somebody in your life is confronted by the changes that you're making. They're passive aggressive. They roll their eyes. This is normal. I want you to stop for a second, and let's come back to a little bit of compassion. Your behavior sent a ripple that's making them feel triggered. And we know it's easier to question you than to question themselves. But trust me, if they're questioning you, they're also questioning themselves. And so remember the three rules. If they wanted to or if they could, they would. Number two, you can't make them change. You can make them laugh, you can make them think. You can make them feel included, but you can't make them change. And number three, please stop being mad that they're nothing. Who you want them to be. They may or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I'll see you in the next episode. Stitcher.

one, it prevents you from being open to other ideas, other possibilities.

Maybe you don't want to have a glass of wine when you cook dinner. Maybe you don't want to be playing poker with your buddies in their garage every Saturday night. You really would like to get started on that real estate business you've been thinking about for years. But instead, we argue for our side. In fact, at the University of Toronto, there is a doctor. He's also a professor, doctor Keith Stanovich. He's a psychologist that teaches there. He has done so much research on my side biased. He's considered the scientist. Scientists, when it comes to the field of cognitive science. And some of the research that I dug up as I was looking at this because I was curious, why are we so resistant to change? Why is it that when a friend of ours wants to roll out of bed and go to the gym at 07:00 in the morning, we tend to roll our eyes instead of rolling out of bed with them? Well, it has to do with this, my side bias. In fact, there's interesting research here, and this is why I. It's so important for you to do what Chris did, which is don't try to make somebody else change.

Don't try to make them have the water instead of the wine. Don't try to make them positive when they're wallowing. Don't try to make them healthy when they're not. Because based on the research, when you give somebody a lecture, which is basically the way that it feels, when somebody says, you know, you should lose some weight, maybe you're drinking a little bit, that's a lecture. Only 3% of people change when they feel like the change is being forced upon them. 3%. Those are not great odds. You want to know better odds? When they think it's their idea, 37% of people will change when they believe the idea came from themselves. That is so important, because if you actually would love to see people in your life make positive changes, you have to operate so that they believe the change is their own. So let me go back to the example with Chris. So if Chris had told me that he thinks I have a drinking problem, I would resist that because of the my side bias, I would argue, oh, no, I don't. But when he says, nobody cares what's in your glass but you, and if you're concerned about what's in your glass based on what I'm doing, then you need to think about what you should be doing.

Mel, by asking that question and forcing me to think about my own behavior and my own choices, of course, whatever I do next is going to become my idea, because he's forced me to think about what I actually want to do. So, back to Daniel. I'm sure, Dan, your wife feels judged. So, first of all, apologize if anything that you've done in terms of your enthusiasm made your wife feel less than super simple thing to do, you can certainly invite her to participate with you. But do not tell her to. Do not lecture her about it. Do not force anything on her at all. Because now, you know, only 3% of people ever change when they feel like the change is something somebody else wants them to do or is forcing them to do or is lecturing them about. So that's takeaway number one. Takeaway number two, you can ask your wife questions. Why does this bother you? What about what I'm doing inspires you? You know, is there anything that you would want me to change? Invite that kind of dialog, and you're going to open something up, because if your wife or your spouse or your partner, your roommate, your friend, whatever, like, let's take this broader than Dan's question.

If somebody in your life is confronted by the changes that you're making. They're passive aggressive. They roll their eyes. This is normal. I want you to stop for a second, and let's come back to a little bit of compassion. Your behavior sent a ripple that's making them feel triggered. And we know it's easier to question you than to question themselves. But trust me, if they're questioning you, they're also questioning themselves. And so remember the three rules. If they wanted to or if they could, they would. Number two, you can't make them change. You can make them laugh, you can make them think. You can make them feel included, but you can't make them change. And number three, please stop being mad that they're nothing. Who you want them to be. They may or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I'll see you in the next episode. Stitcher.

or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I'll see you in the next episode. Stitcher.