Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast. Hey, it's your buddy Mel. And boy, oh, boy, are you in for a fascinating experience today on the Mel Robbins podcast, because you're gonna spend time and learn from a woman who is a former secret service agent. And not just any Secret Service agent. She has predicted five us presidents. She was also a member of the secret services elite polygraph unit. You want to know what that means? It means she was trained to be a one it would be. And we'd be literally in the White House, and they'd have screens in different areas, and you'd be standing there and he'd be right there, and there'd be a screen up and of the news, and, like, they'd be just be destroying him. He's an idiot. He's this, he's that. Right? Whichever channel it was, depending on whatever president was, because it changed, and he'd be right there. Most of us would be like, oh, my God. I can't believe they're saying this about me.I can't get out of bed. And that could not fly. So I really learned resilience, and I learned not to take things personally. I think that's probably the best gift. I think people today, and a lot of times when days where I'm like, Mehden. I should have seen it, or I gave that person a chance. But then I rectify my behavior. I think where people get kind of screwed a bit is when they don't. You see it. You don't. Course correct. That's something else. So you have to be okay with messing up. You have to be okay when people pull the wool over your eyes. You have to be okay with that. You have to be like, up. He won. I lost. It happened. Lesson learned. I think that's also strength.It's not just lesson learned. What you're saying is lesson applied.Yes, but I also have to not be so hard on myself.Why is not being hard on yourself a good thing when it comes to making sure that you become stronger and braver in the future?Because I'm beating myself up, and I'm giving myself more anxiety. I'm making myself more insecure. And then I'm also telling myself, you dummy. That's what I'm saying to me. You're dummy. You should have known better. That's not good. And the whole, like, I should have this, I should have that. And my husband's very good with that. He's got this rule, like nobody ever says I should have. He's like, in that moment, you make the best decision you can with the information you have. And I think that's having faith and trust in yourself.So instead of beating yourself up, you just remind yourself, I made the best decision I could with the information and the situation that I had.Yes. And if you mess up, which we all do, being like, I messed up, I will do better, but then do better. But this, I don't think it's good. Like, it also reminds me in training, when you messed up in training, like, sometimes they'd give us, like, we do these shooting scenarios which were really stressful. They would create these secret service compound had, like, you know, we had cities that we called, like, tiny town where we do attacks, simulated attacks, or out in the open where we do these attacks. And they were very stressful, and they were designed to be very realistic. Everyone's sitting, how you're presenting. That's more important. Think about, are you looking at that person not just when you speak, but when they speak, right? Have that, and then at the same time, just own your voice. I think that that's really it. Own your voice. And then maybe get rid of things. Like, I'm just going to hurry up and say this. All right, I've got a few minutes left. Let me just power through this, because when you do that, you tell people inadvertently, I'm going to hurry through this because what I have to say is not that important. So I don't want to waste your time, because obviously I'm wasting it.That's what I'm saying. And I really, truly, I learned this through watching presidents. These guys would speak, they didn't race through anything. They get up on that mic. Nope, I have something to say. And not just them, but other world leaders, they would get up there and they would speak. They would own their voice. Own it. Especially women, Mel and I usually don't try to gender things, but like with women, we go high and we, you know, we. Okay. And I think your voice captures all the stuff you've been through in life. So just make sure that the voice you're using is really your true voice and not the one that's captured all these markers of shame, of guilt, of frustration, of embarrassment. And now you're showing up with not your true voice. Where I'm going with that is you don't have to be on all the time. You don't have to be 100% brave, 100% confident. You don't always have to be here. You don't always have to operate at this level. Like, it's okay if you don't. You become more courageous or more brave when you do things, I will tell you, like, the more I've messed up, the more I lose, the more brave I become.You don't get better when you win. You just don't. Is it nice to win? Sure. Is it nice not to get rejection? Sure. But bravery comes through action. It's not something you think about. It's something you do. I think what's really important is it is okay to go into a meeting and be afraid. It is okay to have a conversation with someone and be like, you know what? I don't really have it, but I'm just going to ask what I need to ask. I think what's important is get into the, what am I actually doing here? And maybe leave yourself, kind of leave that you out of it. Leave your. Check yourself at the door. Check your emotions at the door. Leave them there. And if you can come in, mission focus. So if I sat there and let's say I did once, it's really high profile. I don't think. I am not allowed to say what case it is, but it was a high profile case of a murder of a child, and it was a very well known case, and there was new information that came out. Was I concerned? Yes. Was I nervous?Yes. All eyes were on me to get information. But I went in and I said, evie, you don't matter. You're going to stay outside. You're going to be focused on what you're doing. And my goal is to get information to see, is this person involved with the murder of this child, or do they have information? What is really going on here? And so is to try to talk to this person to see if can I get them to go get help, rehab or whatever help looks like. That could be really ultimately your mission, but you also have to be okay with, you may not get there. It may be like, but my goal is to get the truth so then I can try to get this person help. But I also know I'm 50% of the equation. They're the other 50, so they may not want my help or want. Right. All that stuff you just said. So I have to be okay with that. And I also have to have my strategy for what do I do then afterward? And I can figure that out later, what it's going to look like for me, whether do I want this person in my life and how much, given the circumstances, yada, yada. But when you go in that conversation, you're not going in how I feel, what this is doing to my life.It's like, I want to know what the fuck is going on.Yes.Right. What am I dealing with? And then it's my ultimate goal would be my mission to get you help, but I may not get there. Maybe not that day.Well, what I love about this approach is that it has nothing to do with them. And even if you go in and we all want everybody to reassure us, right? We all want everybody to tell us the truth. Somebody not reassuring you is an answer. Somebody not giving you a direct answer is an answer. Somebody refusing to answer your questions is also an answer. And we spend way too much time then dismissing that and making excuses for it instead of saying, this motherfucker can't even give me a one sentence answer to a simple question. I have all the information I need to know what I'm dealing with. And it's the inability, I think, to assess the situation and to really trust your gut and to look at somebody's behavior or their lack of behavior as the only honest answer that they can give you and then to act accordingly.You know, it's interesting. I did. I remember I did this one interview. I don't remember what the person did. See, he was involved in some kind of fraud or something, and he wouldn't come out. So you would think in a. Trying to get a confession from someone is you want him to say, I did this. And what I learned is, that's not what you're after. I didn't need that. So he wasn't giving me any information about what was going on. So I never tried to get them to say, I stole this money. I committed this crime. I wasn't trying to get that, but I would get them. They're called admissions, where people admit to little, little things. And as you get these little admissions, all these little admissions give you a picture. It's like a puzzle. But some, like, I remember with him, I said to him, you don't have to tell me if you did it or not. Can you tell me? What are you worried about? And his thing was, I'm worried about my family. Huge red flag. I'm like, up. He just gave me the admission. He just told me why he doesn't want to tell me why he did what he did.So I said, okay, you worried about your family? He said, yes. The blowback. Well, I think we needed to do a search warrant or something. And I said, well, they need to do a search warrant. How do you want to do this? How can I help you? Maybe he's like, I can get my wife to leave town. So these are little admissions that he's. Without him telling me, yes, I did this, giving me little. Little clues that are telling me I did this. You don't need the smoking gun from people they show you. But everyone's waiting for the person to say, I did this, I lied, I cheated. It's a waste of time to try to get that. Most of the information you're going to get from people are little, little breadcrumbs that you collect and you put together and you got your loaf of bread.And I think the biggest thing standing in the way is you don't want to see the truth.No.And that's why we don't trust our guts. Because all along the way, people's behavior and their lack of behavior and their decisions are giving you the truth about who they are and what they care about and what they're doing and what they're not doing and how they make you feel. And we are so focused on that. We don't hear the bell that's ringing deep inside us. And it's really fascinating. If you could speak directly to the person that's listening and there was just one change or takeaway that you wanted them to take from everything that you taught us today, what would it be?Handle your shit. Don't avoid your problems. Don't blame other people. Handle it. If things aren't right, they're not right because you're allowing them to not be right. It's hard. I'm not saying it, and I come with humility. I'm not. It's a hard thing to deal, to do it, but it is on you to handle your stuff, because when we don't, we get pissed at everybody around us. You should this and you should that, and only you should do this. And it's a really hard way to live where your steadiness, your bravery, your confidence, your happiness, your whatever is tethered to the instability of other people and whether or not they're going to give you what you hope they will give you. Like, live in reality and live in truth. When you do that, you make better decisions.For somebody who just went, oh, shit, heavy, like, I do have to handle my shit. I have been avoiding the truth. I have been, like, blaming other people. I haven't taken responsibility. What is the first step? When you have that realization not a licensed therapist, and this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I'll see you in the next episode. Stitcher.

one it would be. And we'd be literally in the White House, and they'd have screens in different areas, and you'd be standing there and he'd be right there, and there'd be a screen up and of the news, and, like, they'd be just be destroying him. He's an idiot. He's this, he's that. Right? Whichever channel it was, depending on whatever president was, because it changed, and he'd be right there. Most of us would be like, oh, my God. I can't believe they're saying this about me.

I can't get out of bed. And that could not fly. So I really learned resilience, and I learned not to take things personally. I think that's probably the best gift. I think people today, and a lot of times when days where I'm like, Mehden. I should have seen it, or I gave that person a chance. But then I rectify my behavior. I think where people get kind of screwed a bit is when they don't. You see it. You don't. Course correct. That's something else. So you have to be okay with messing up. You have to be okay when people pull the wool over your eyes. You have to be okay with that. You have to be like, up. He won. I lost. It happened. Lesson learned. I think that's also strength.It's not just lesson learned. What you're saying is lesson applied.Yes, but I also have to not be so hard on myself.Why is not being hard on yourself a good thing when it comes to making sure that you become stronger and braver in the future?Because I'm beating myself up, and I'm giving myself more anxiety. I'm making myself more insecure. And then I'm also telling myself, you dummy. That's what I'm saying to me. You're dummy. You should have known better. That's not good. And the whole, like, I should have this, I should have that. And my husband's very good with that. He's got this rule, like nobody ever says I should have. He's like, in that moment, you make the best decision you can with the information you have. And I think that's having faith and trust in yourself.So instead of beating yourself up, you just remind yourself, I made the best decision I could with the information and the situation that I had.Yes. And if you mess up, which we all do, being like, I messed up, I will do better, but then do better. But this, I don't think it's good. Like, it also reminds me in training, when you messed up in training, like, sometimes they'd give us, like, we do these shooting scenarios which were really stressful. They would create these secret service compound had, like, you know, we had cities that we called, like, tiny town where we do attacks, simulated attacks, or out in the open where we do these attacks. And they were very stressful, and they were designed to be very realistic. Everyone's sitting, how you're presenting. That's more important. Think about, are you looking at that person not just when you speak, but when they speak, right? Have that, and then at the same time, just own your voice. I think that that's really it. Own your voice. And then maybe get rid of things. Like, I'm just going to hurry up and say this. All right, I've got a few minutes left. Let me just power through this, because when you do that, you tell people inadvertently, I'm going to hurry through this because what I have to say is not that important. So I don't want to waste your time, because obviously I'm wasting it.That's what I'm saying. And I really, truly, I learned this through watching presidents. These guys would speak, they didn't race through anything. They get up on that mic. Nope, I have something to say. And not just them, but other world leaders, they would get up there and they would speak. They would own their voice. Own it. Especially women, Mel and I usually don't try to gender things, but like with women, we go high and we, you know, we. Okay. And I think your voice captures all the stuff you've been through in life. So just make sure that the voice you're using is really your true voice and not the one that's captured all these markers of shame, of guilt, of frustration, of embarrassment. And now you're showing up with not your true voice. Where I'm going with that is you don't have to be on all the time. You don't have to be 100% brave, 100% confident. You don't always have to be here. You don't always have to operate at this level. Like, it's okay if you don't. You become more courageous or more brave when you do things, I will tell you, like, the more I've messed up, the more I lose, the more brave I become.You don't get better when you win. You just don't. Is it nice to win? Sure. Is it nice not to get rejection? Sure. But bravery comes through action. It's not something you think about. It's something you do. I think what's really important is it is okay to go into a meeting and be afraid. It is okay to have a conversation with someone and be like, you know what? I don't really have it, but I'm just going to ask what I need to ask. I think what's important is get into the, what am I actually doing here? And maybe leave yourself, kind of leave that you out of it. Leave your. Check yourself at the door. Check your emotions at the door. Leave them there. And if you can come in, mission focus. So if I sat there and let's say I did once, it's really high profile. I don't think. I am not allowed to say what case it is, but it was a high profile case of a murder of a child, and it was a very well known case, and there was new information that came out. Was I concerned? Yes. Was I nervous?Yes. All eyes were on me to get information. But I went in and I said, evie, you don't matter. You're going to stay outside. You're going to be focused on what you're doing. And my goal is to get information to see, is this person involved with the murder of this child, or do they have information? What is really going on here? And so is to try to talk to this person to see if can I get them to go get help, rehab or whatever help looks like. That could be really ultimately your mission, but you also have to be okay with, you may not get there. It may be like, but my goal is to get the truth so then I can try to get this person help. But I also know I'm 50% of the equation. They're the other 50, so they may not want my help or want. Right. All that stuff you just said. So I have to be okay with that. And I also have to have my strategy for what do I do then afterward? And I can figure that out later, what it's going to look like for me, whether do I want this person in my life and how much, given the circumstances, yada, yada. But when you go in that conversation, you're not going in how I feel, what this is doing to my life.It's like, I want to know what the fuck is going on.Yes.Right. What am I dealing with? And then it's my ultimate goal would be my mission to get you help, but I may not get there. Maybe not that day.Well, what I love about this approach is that it has nothing to do with them. And even if you go in and we all want everybody to reassure us, right? We all want everybody to tell us the truth. Somebody not reassuring you is an answer. Somebody not giving you a direct answer is an answer. Somebody refusing to answer your questions is also an answer. And we spend way too much time then dismissing that and making excuses for it instead of saying, this motherfucker can't even give me a one sentence answer to a simple question. I have all the information I need to know what I'm dealing with. And it's the inability, I think, to assess the situation and to really trust your gut and to look at somebody's behavior or their lack of behavior as the only honest answer that they can give you and then to act accordingly.You know, it's interesting. I did. I remember I did this one interview. I don't remember what the person did. See, he was involved in some kind of fraud or something, and he wouldn't come out. So you would think in a. Trying to get a confession from someone is you want him to say, I did this. And what I learned is, that's not what you're after. I didn't need that. So he wasn't giving me any information about what was going on. So I never tried to get them to say, I stole this money. I committed this crime. I wasn't trying to get that, but I would get them. They're called admissions, where people admit to little, little things. And as you get these little admissions, all these little admissions give you a picture. It's like a puzzle. But some, like, I remember with him, I said to him, you don't have to tell me if you did it or not. Can you tell me? What are you worried about? And his thing was, I'm worried about my family. Huge red flag. I'm like, up. He just gave me the admission. He just told me why he doesn't want to tell me why he did what he did.So I said, okay, you worried about your family? He said, yes. The blowback. Well, I think we needed to do a search warrant or something. And I said, well, they need to do a search warrant. How do you want to do this? How can I help you? Maybe he's like, I can get my wife to leave town. So these are little admissions that he's. Without him telling me, yes, I did this, giving me little. Little clues that are telling me I did this. You don't need the smoking gun from people they show you. But everyone's waiting for the person to say, I did this, I lied, I cheated. It's a waste of time to try to get that. Most of the information you're going to get from people are little, little breadcrumbs that you collect and you put together and you got your loaf of bread.And I think the biggest thing standing in the way is you don't want to see the truth.No.And that's why we don't trust our guts. Because all along the way, people's behavior and their lack of behavior and their decisions are giving you the truth about who they are and what they care about and what they're doing and what they're not doing and how they make you feel. And we are so focused on that. We don't hear the bell that's ringing deep inside us. And it's really fascinating. If you could speak directly to the person that's listening and there was just one change or takeaway that you wanted them to take from everything that you taught us today, what would it be?Handle your shit. Don't avoid your problems. Don't blame other people. Handle it. If things aren't right, they're not right because you're allowing them to not be right. It's hard. I'm not saying it, and I come with humility. I'm not. It's a hard thing to deal, to do it, but it is on you to handle your stuff, because when we don't, we get pissed at everybody around us. You should this and you should that, and only you should do this. And it's a really hard way to live where your steadiness, your bravery, your confidence, your happiness, your whatever is tethered to the instability of other people and whether or not they're going to give you what you hope they will give you. Like, live in reality and live in truth. When you do that, you make better decisions.For somebody who just went, oh, shit, heavy, like, I do have to handle my shit. I have been avoiding the truth. I have been, like, blaming other people. I haven't taken responsibility. What is the first step? When you have that realization not a licensed therapist, and this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I'll see you in the next episode. Stitcher.

days where I'm like, Mehden. I should have seen it, or I gave that person a chance. But then I rectify my behavior. I think where people get kind of screwed a bit is when they don't. You see it. You don't. Course correct. That's something else. So you have to be okay with messing up. You have to be okay when people pull the wool over your eyes. You have to be okay with that. You have to be like, up. He won. I lost. It happened. Lesson learned. I think that's also strength.

It's not just lesson learned. What you're saying is lesson applied.

Yes, but I also have to not be so hard on myself.

Why is not being hard on yourself a good thing when it comes to making sure that you become stronger and braver in the future?

Because I'm beating myself up, and I'm giving myself more anxiety. I'm making myself more insecure. And then I'm also telling myself, you dummy. That's what I'm saying to me. You're dummy. You should have known better. That's not good. And the whole, like, I should have this, I should have that. And my husband's very good with that. He's got this rule, like nobody ever says I should have. He's like, in that moment, you make the best decision you can with the information you have. And I think that's having faith and trust in yourself.

So instead of beating yourself up, you just remind yourself, I made the best decision I could with the information and the situation that I had.

Yes. And if you mess up, which we all do, being like, I messed up, I will do better, but then do better. But this, I don't think it's good. Like, it also reminds me in training, when you messed up in training, like, sometimes they'd give us, like, we do these shooting scenarios which were really stressful. They would create these secret service compound had, like, you know, we had cities that we called, like, tiny town where we do attacks, simulated attacks, or out in the open where we do these attacks. And they were very stressful, and they were designed to be very realistic. Everyone's sitting, how you're presenting. That's more important. Think about, are you looking at that person not just when you speak, but when they speak, right? Have that, and then at the same time, just own your voice. I think that that's really it. Own your voice. And then maybe get rid of things. Like, I'm just going to hurry up and say this. All right, I've got a few minutes left. Let me just power through this, because when you do that, you tell people inadvertently, I'm going to hurry through this because what I have to say is not that important. So I don't want to waste your time, because obviously I'm wasting it.That's what I'm saying. And I really, truly, I learned this through watching presidents. These guys would speak, they didn't race through anything. They get up on that mic. Nope, I have something to say. And not just them, but other world leaders, they would get up there and they would speak. They would own their voice. Own it. Especially women, Mel and I usually don't try to gender things, but like with women, we go high and we, you know, we. Okay. And I think your voice captures all the stuff you've been through in life. So just make sure that the voice you're using is really your true voice and not the one that's captured all these markers of shame, of guilt, of frustration, of embarrassment. And now you're showing up with not your true voice. Where I'm going with that is you don't have to be on all the time. You don't have to be 100% brave, 100% confident. You don't always have to be here. You don't always have to operate at this level. Like, it's okay if you don't. You become more courageous or more brave when you do things, I will tell you, like, the more I've messed up, the more I lose, the more brave I become.You don't get better when you win. You just don't. Is it nice to win? Sure. Is it nice not to get rejection? Sure. But bravery comes through action. It's not something you think about. It's something you do. I think what's really important is it is okay to go into a meeting and be afraid. It is okay to have a conversation with someone and be like, you know what? I don't really have it, but I'm just going to ask what I need to ask. I think what's important is get into the, what am I actually doing here? And maybe leave yourself, kind of leave that you out of it. Leave your. Check yourself at the door. Check your emotions at the door. Leave them there. And if you can come in, mission focus. So if I sat there and let's say I did once, it's really high profile. I don't think. I am not allowed to say what case it is, but it was a high profile case of a murder of a child, and it was a very well known case, and there was new information that came out. Was I concerned? Yes. Was I nervous?Yes. All eyes were on me to get information. But I went in and I said, evie, you don't matter. You're going to stay outside. You're going to be focused on what you're doing. And my goal is to get information to see, is this person involved with the murder of this child, or do they have information? What is really going on here? And so is to try to talk to this person to see if can I get them to go get help, rehab or whatever help looks like. That could be really ultimately your mission, but you also have to be okay with, you may not get there. It may be like, but my goal is to get the truth so then I can try to get this person help. But I also know I'm 50% of the equation. They're the other 50, so they may not want my help or want. Right. All that stuff you just said. So I have to be okay with that. And I also have to have my strategy for what do I do then afterward? And I can figure that out later, what it's going to look like for me, whether do I want this person in my life and how much, given the circumstances, yada, yada. But when you go in that conversation, you're not going in how I feel, what this is doing to my life.It's like, I want to know what the fuck is going on.Yes.Right. What am I dealing with? And then it's my ultimate goal would be my mission to get you help, but I may not get there. Maybe not that day.Well, what I love about this approach is that it has nothing to do with them. And even if you go in and we all want everybody to reassure us, right? We all want everybody to tell us the truth. Somebody not reassuring you is an answer. Somebody not giving you a direct answer is an answer. Somebody refusing to answer your questions is also an answer. And we spend way too much time then dismissing that and making excuses for it instead of saying, this motherfucker can't even give me a one sentence answer to a simple question. I have all the information I need to know what I'm dealing with. And it's the inability, I think, to assess the situation and to really trust your gut and to look at somebody's behavior or their lack of behavior as the only honest answer that they can give you and then to act accordingly.You know, it's interesting. I did. I remember I did this one interview. I don't remember what the person did. See, he was involved in some kind of fraud or something, and he wouldn't come out. So you would think in a. Trying to get a confession from someone is you want him to say, I did this. And what I learned is, that's not what you're after. I didn't need that. So he wasn't giving me any information about what was going on. So I never tried to get them to say, I stole this money. I committed this crime. I wasn't trying to get that, but I would get them. They're called admissions, where people admit to little, little things. And as you get these little admissions, all these little admissions give you a picture. It's like a puzzle. But some, like, I remember with him, I said to him, you don't have to tell me if you did it or not. Can you tell me? What are you worried about? And his thing was, I'm worried about my family. Huge red flag. I'm like, up. He just gave me the admission. He just told me why he doesn't want to tell me why he did what he did.So I said, okay, you worried about your family? He said, yes. The blowback. Well, I think we needed to do a search warrant or something. And I said, well, they need to do a search warrant. How do you want to do this? How can I help you? Maybe he's like, I can get my wife to leave town. So these are little admissions that he's. Without him telling me, yes, I did this, giving me little. Little clues that are telling me I did this. You don't need the smoking gun from people they show you. But everyone's waiting for the person to say, I did this, I lied, I cheated. It's a waste of time to try to get that. Most of the information you're going to get from people are little, little breadcrumbs that you collect and you put together and you got your loaf of bread.And I think the biggest thing standing in the way is you don't want to see the truth.No.And that's why we don't trust our guts. Because all along the way, people's behavior and their lack of behavior and their decisions are giving you the truth about who they are and what they care about and what they're doing and what they're not doing and how they make you feel. And we are so focused on that. We don't hear the bell that's ringing deep inside us. And it's really fascinating. If you could speak directly to the person that's listening and there was just one change or takeaway that you wanted them to take from everything that you taught us today, what would it be?Handle your shit. Don't avoid your problems. Don't blame other people. Handle it. If things aren't right, they're not right because you're allowing them to not be right. It's hard. I'm not saying it, and I come with humility. I'm not. It's a hard thing to deal, to do it, but it is on you to handle your stuff, because when we don't, we get pissed at everybody around us. You should this and you should that, and only you should do this. And it's a really hard way to live where your steadiness, your bravery, your confidence, your happiness, your whatever is tethered to the instability of other people and whether or not they're going to give you what you hope they will give you. Like, live in reality and live in truth. When you do that, you make better decisions.For somebody who just went, oh, shit, heavy, like, I do have to handle my shit. I have been avoiding the truth. I have been, like, blaming other people. I haven't taken responsibility. What is the first step? When you have that realization not a licensed therapist, and this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I'll see you in the next episode. Stitcher.

sitting, how you're presenting. That's more important. Think about, are you looking at that person not just when you speak, but when they speak, right? Have that, and then at the same time, just own your voice. I think that that's really it. Own your voice. And then maybe get rid of things. Like, I'm just going to hurry up and say this. All right, I've got a few minutes left. Let me just power through this, because when you do that, you tell people inadvertently, I'm going to hurry through this because what I have to say is not that important. So I don't want to waste your time, because obviously I'm wasting it.

That's what I'm saying. And I really, truly, I learned this through watching presidents. These guys would speak, they didn't race through anything. They get up on that mic. Nope, I have something to say. And not just them, but other world leaders, they would get up there and they would speak. They would own their voice. Own it. Especially women, Mel and I usually don't try to gender things, but like with women, we go high and we, you know, we. Okay. And I think your voice captures all the stuff you've been through in life. So just make sure that the voice you're using is really your true voice and not the one that's captured all these markers of shame, of guilt, of frustration, of embarrassment. And now you're showing up with not your true voice. Where I'm going with that is you don't have to be on all the time. You don't have to be 100% brave, 100% confident. You don't always have to be here. You don't always have to operate at this level. Like, it's okay if you don't. You become more courageous or more brave when you do things, I will tell you, like, the more I've messed up, the more I lose, the more brave I become.

You don't get better when you win. You just don't. Is it nice to win? Sure. Is it nice not to get rejection? Sure. But bravery comes through action. It's not something you think about. It's something you do. I think what's really important is it is okay to go into a meeting and be afraid. It is okay to have a conversation with someone and be like, you know what? I don't really have it, but I'm just going to ask what I need to ask. I think what's important is get into the, what am I actually doing here? And maybe leave yourself, kind of leave that you out of it. Leave your. Check yourself at the door. Check your emotions at the door. Leave them there. And if you can come in, mission focus. So if I sat there and let's say I did once, it's really high profile. I don't think. I am not allowed to say what case it is, but it was a high profile case of a murder of a child, and it was a very well known case, and there was new information that came out. Was I concerned? Yes. Was I nervous?

Yes. All eyes were on me to get information. But I went in and I said, evie, you don't matter. You're going to stay outside. You're going to be focused on what you're doing. And my goal is to get information to see, is this person involved with the murder of this child, or do they have information? What is really going on here? And so is to try to talk to this person to see if can I get them to go get help, rehab or whatever help looks like. That could be really ultimately your mission, but you also have to be okay with, you may not get there. It may be like, but my goal is to get the truth so then I can try to get this person help. But I also know I'm 50% of the equation. They're the other 50, so they may not want my help or want. Right. All that stuff you just said. So I have to be okay with that. And I also have to have my strategy for what do I do then afterward? And I can figure that out later, what it's going to look like for me, whether do I want this person in my life and how much, given the circumstances, yada, yada. But when you go in that conversation, you're not going in how I feel, what this is doing to my life.It's like, I want to know what the fuck is going on.Yes.Right. What am I dealing with? And then it's my ultimate goal would be my mission to get you help, but I may not get there. Maybe not that day.Well, what I love about this approach is that it has nothing to do with them. And even if you go in and we all want everybody to reassure us, right? We all want everybody to tell us the truth. Somebody not reassuring you is an answer. Somebody not giving you a direct answer is an answer. Somebody refusing to answer your questions is also an answer. And we spend way too much time then dismissing that and making excuses for it instead of saying, this motherfucker can't even give me a one sentence answer to a simple question. I have all the information I need to know what I'm dealing with. And it's the inability, I think, to assess the situation and to really trust your gut and to look at somebody's behavior or their lack of behavior as the only honest answer that they can give you and then to act accordingly.You know, it's interesting. I did. I remember I did this one interview. I don't remember what the person did. See, he was involved in some kind of fraud or something, and he wouldn't come out. So you would think in a. Trying to get a confession from someone is you want him to say, I did this. And what I learned is, that's not what you're after. I didn't need that. So he wasn't giving me any information about what was going on. So I never tried to get them to say, I stole this money. I committed this crime. I wasn't trying to get that, but I would get them. They're called admissions, where people admit to little, little things. And as you get these little admissions, all these little admissions give you a picture. It's like a puzzle. But some, like, I remember with him, I said to him, you don't have to tell me if you did it or not. Can you tell me? What are you worried about? And his thing was, I'm worried about my family. Huge red flag. I'm like, up. He just gave me the admission. He just told me why he doesn't want to tell me why he did what he did.So I said, okay, you worried about your family? He said, yes. The blowback. Well, I think we needed to do a search warrant or something. And I said, well, they need to do a search warrant. How do you want to do this? How can I help you? Maybe he's like, I can get my wife to leave town. So these are little admissions that he's. Without him telling me, yes, I did this, giving me little. Little clues that are telling me I did this. You don't need the smoking gun from people they show you. But everyone's waiting for the person to say, I did this, I lied, I cheated. It's a waste of time to try to get that. Most of the information you're going to get from people are little, little breadcrumbs that you collect and you put together and you got your loaf of bread.And I think the biggest thing standing in the way is you don't want to see the truth.No.And that's why we don't trust our guts. Because all along the way, people's behavior and their lack of behavior and their decisions are giving you the truth about who they are and what they care about and what they're doing and what they're not doing and how they make you feel. And we are so focused on that. We don't hear the bell that's ringing deep inside us. And it's really fascinating. If you could speak directly to the person that's listening and there was just one change or takeaway that you wanted them to take from everything that you taught us today, what would it be?Handle your shit. Don't avoid your problems. Don't blame other people. Handle it. If things aren't right, they're not right because you're allowing them to not be right. It's hard. I'm not saying it, and I come with humility. I'm not. It's a hard thing to deal, to do it, but it is on you to handle your stuff, because when we don't, we get pissed at everybody around us. You should this and you should that, and only you should do this. And it's a really hard way to live where your steadiness, your bravery, your confidence, your happiness, your whatever is tethered to the instability of other people and whether or not they're going to give you what you hope they will give you. Like, live in reality and live in truth. When you do that, you make better decisions.For somebody who just went, oh, shit, heavy, like, I do have to handle my shit. I have been avoiding the truth. I have been, like, blaming other people. I haven't taken responsibility. What is the first step? When you have that realization not a licensed therapist, and this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I'll see you in the next episode. Stitcher.

is to try to talk to this person to see if can I get them to go get help, rehab or whatever help looks like. That could be really ultimately your mission, but you also have to be okay with, you may not get there. It may be like, but my goal is to get the truth so then I can try to get this person help. But I also know I'm 50% of the equation. They're the other 50, so they may not want my help or want. Right. All that stuff you just said. So I have to be okay with that. And I also have to have my strategy for what do I do then afterward? And I can figure that out later, what it's going to look like for me, whether do I want this person in my life and how much, given the circumstances, yada, yada. But when you go in that conversation, you're not going in how I feel, what this is doing to my life.

It's like, I want to know what the fuck is going on.

Yes.

Right. What am I dealing with? And then it's my ultimate goal would be my mission to get you help, but I may not get there. Maybe not that day.

Well, what I love about this approach is that it has nothing to do with them. And even if you go in and we all want everybody to reassure us, right? We all want everybody to tell us the truth. Somebody not reassuring you is an answer. Somebody not giving you a direct answer is an answer. Somebody refusing to answer your questions is also an answer. And we spend way too much time then dismissing that and making excuses for it instead of saying, this motherfucker can't even give me a one sentence answer to a simple question. I have all the information I need to know what I'm dealing with. And it's the inability, I think, to assess the situation and to really trust your gut and to look at somebody's behavior or their lack of behavior as the only honest answer that they can give you and then to act accordingly.

You know, it's interesting. I did. I remember I did this one interview. I don't remember what the person did. See, he was involved in some kind of fraud or something, and he wouldn't come out. So you would think in a. Trying to get a confession from someone is you want him to say, I did this. And what I learned is, that's not what you're after. I didn't need that. So he wasn't giving me any information about what was going on. So I never tried to get them to say, I stole this money. I committed this crime. I wasn't trying to get that, but I would get them. They're called admissions, where people admit to little, little things. And as you get these little admissions, all these little admissions give you a picture. It's like a puzzle. But some, like, I remember with him, I said to him, you don't have to tell me if you did it or not. Can you tell me? What are you worried about? And his thing was, I'm worried about my family. Huge red flag. I'm like, up. He just gave me the admission. He just told me why he doesn't want to tell me why he did what he did.

So I said, okay, you worried about your family? He said, yes. The blowback. Well, I think we needed to do a search warrant or something. And I said, well, they need to do a search warrant. How do you want to do this? How can I help you? Maybe he's like, I can get my wife to leave town. So these are little admissions that he's. Without him telling me, yes, I did this, giving me little. Little clues that are telling me I did this. You don't need the smoking gun from people they show you. But everyone's waiting for the person to say, I did this, I lied, I cheated. It's a waste of time to try to get that. Most of the information you're going to get from people are little, little breadcrumbs that you collect and you put together and you got your loaf of bread.

And I think the biggest thing standing in the way is you don't want to see the truth.

No.

And that's why we don't trust our guts. Because all along the way, people's behavior and their lack of behavior and their decisions are giving you the truth about who they are and what they care about and what they're doing and what they're not doing and how they make you feel. And we are so focused on that. We don't hear the bell that's ringing deep inside us. And it's really fascinating. If you could speak directly to the person that's listening and there was just one change or takeaway that you wanted them to take from everything that you taught us today, what would it be?

Handle your shit. Don't avoid your problems. Don't blame other people. Handle it. If things aren't right, they're not right because you're allowing them to not be right. It's hard. I'm not saying it, and I come with humility. I'm not. It's a hard thing to deal, to do it, but it is on you to handle your stuff, because when we don't, we get pissed at everybody around us. You should this and you should that, and only you should do this. And it's a really hard way to live where your steadiness, your bravery, your confidence, your happiness, your whatever is tethered to the instability of other people and whether or not they're going to give you what you hope they will give you. Like, live in reality and live in truth. When you do that, you make better decisions.

For somebody who just went, oh, shit, heavy, like, I do have to handle my shit. I have been avoiding the truth. I have been, like, blaming other people. I haven't taken responsibility. What is the first step? When you have that realization not a licensed therapist, and this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I'll see you in the next episode. Stitcher.

not a licensed therapist, and this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I'll see you in the next episode. Stitcher.