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Hello, Dominic here. Now, I really wanted to introduce a new podcast from Goalhanger that I think you will love. And it is called The Rest is Entertainment, another The Rest is. Unbelievable. Join TV Supreme and Bestselling Author Richard Osman, and Guardian columnist, extraordinary, Marina Hyde, for a weekly look at all things entertainment. It sounds absolutely mouthwatering, doesn't it? It has the best of TV. It has the biggest box office releases, the books you'll soon see everywhere, and even a dash of scandal and gossip. Isn't that exciting? Search for the rest of entertainment wherever you get your podcasts. And do you know what? The really exciting thing is that Theo, our producer, has prepared a little amuse-bouche, a taste of the extraordinary intellectual delights that lie ahead in The Rest is Entertainment. Here you go. Enjoy.

Christmas number one. I wanted to talk about it because it's been boring for about 20 years, Christmas number one, for a number of reasons. Firstly, the reality shows, X Factor and what have you, which had a stranglehold on it. For the last five years, LADBAE.

Please explain LADBAE for people who somehow.

Don't know. Ladbae, they're a married couple, and every year they do a Christmas song. All the money goes to Trussell Trust, so that's fine. But it's always, I love sausage rolls. They're alwaysfood-related.

Yeah. Instead of I love rock and roll, it would be I love sausage rolls. There's a non-brand Greg's.

Theme to it all. There is a non-brand Greg's theme.

Yeah, Greg's a not an official partner, but arguably should have.

Been, anyhow. We should be sponsored by non-brand Greg's.

Why can't we be sponsored by Greg's? Why can't we be sponsored by Greg's? I would be very happy.

Just with sausage rolls as a concept.

If you're listening, I consume.

Yes, I hear Taylor is doing their work now. So for the last five years, they've been Christmas number one, which is a record by an absolute mile. But the reason I want to talk about Christmas number one this year is this year they have pulled out of the race. I confidently predict that there'll be one of four songs is going to be Christmas number one. Whichever one it is, it's going to make history. I'm going to predict who it is later. Now, Christmas number one wasn't really a thing until... 1973, which is when Slay did Merry Christmas everybody. There had been a couple of Christmas number ones in the 50s. There had been Mary's Boychard and Christmas Alphabet. But I think after Phil Specter's Christmas album, everyone went, Oh, we can do this. So Slade and Wizard went head to head in '73. Slade won it. Wizard had, I wish it could be Christmas every day, which didn't get to number one. And then you have the glory days of Christmas number ones, and you had Cliff and you've got Wham and the Pogues and all these things.

Am I right in thinking that this is a really UK phenomenon, actually, and that they're not obsessed with this particular spot in the charts for that one week in the US in the same way.

Yes, they're obsessed with Christmas songs. So Gene Autry, who had some of the biggest selling songs of all times, he did Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindale and he did Frosty the Snowman. And these were, you forget that somebody sat down and wrote those songs, and they sold millions and millions and millions. And virtually every one of those Christmas songs, White Christmas, all that, they were all, when you look into them, they were all written in half an hour in L. A. In June. Like all of them. I respect it. Yeah, exactly, and become these huge hits. But in the UK, the Christmas number one has gone out of fashion. There's only been seven songs ever to be Christmas number one with the word Christmas in the title. And that's if we're including Slade, which is Xmas. But I am including it. Of course it is. The last Christmas number one, the last actual Christmas-y song was nearly 20 years ago. It was 2004 and it was Bandaid 20. Do they know it's Christmas? Which by the way, Tom York's only ever number one single. There you go. There's a fact for you.

That is quite.

A fact. There's some unusual people on that Bandaid. Tom York's on it. The guys from Supergrass are on it. Neil H annon from Divine Comedy is on it.

I'm just going to go back and look at the.

Group shot. Whereas the previous one is like big fun.

Yeah, that was the Nadeer.

And people like that. But so this year, who's going to win? Because always there's some unlikely contenders. There's always a no one quite like grandma. Something with the fiscal choir, that was number one. Savior Love, Renny and Renato, Mr. Bloobby had a number one. By the way, anyone at any detectives at home, I was looking into who wrote various Christmas songs, which is always quite interesting. Mr. Bloobby, I can't work out who wrote it.

Seah? Hold on.

She writes them all, doesn't she? I've been told it's Taylor Swift. It's got a name on the label, but that doesn't seem to be someone who actually exists.

Amazing. I literally can't put my name to this. I will kill you if you put my name to this.

On it. Yeah, exactly. It's one of those ones that no one's claiming. I'm not taking off the movie. It's probably Noel because he'll want the money for it. But Bob the Builder, all the X-Factor stuff, rage Against the Machine. That was the last funny.

Christmas number one. I really wanted to talk about that because I loved it. This was in 2009, when we were in the... Simon Kahl bestrowed entertainment like a colossal. The karaoke Sauron, his eye was staring down on us at all moments. And his artist that year, who was a guy called Joe McEldry, and he just got to the end of the saturation of Kahl having this number one every single year with the X Factor winner. And so some people just started a Facebook campaign to get a rage against the machines killing in the name of to be Christmas number one. And first of all, he couldn't even buy it. It's the first download only number one, I believe. Cowell was so affronited that this was happening. Two things are interesting about this. Well, first of all, he kept saying, You're not doing this to me. They're not hurting me. They're hurting this poor young man, Joe McEldry, who, by the way, Simon Cowell, would drop from the record label in 15 months. So yes, I agree poor young man, but for different reasons. And also, but they were on the same record label. Cowell and Ray to Get to the Machine.

And Ray to Get to the Machine say that the record label were really angry about it. They kept trying to call their record label to say, This is amazing. What's happening with our song? And the record company just didn't call them back. Obviously, didn't reissue this is a single, so it had to be download only. But the campaign was successful and Simon Cowell was overthrown in a truly heartwarming, not quite up there with his wonderful life, but the next tear down of.

Christmas Miracles. We'd say, I'd love to write a Christmas movie, and that's what I'm going to write a Christmas movie about, is the destruction of Simon Cowell's Christmas number one, hopes for Joe McEldry. Joe McEldry, by the way, who I've met, is absolutely lovely. This is such a digression. Sorry. Inone of you all once went to a festival in Spain with my brother's band, Suede, and you're driving up around the Pyrenees in this coach. And it's really terrifying, like hairpin bends. But then I was thinking, Listen, it's okay because these drivers do it all day, every day. And then the next day, rage Against the Machines' coach went down the mountain. They were fine, but it went off the road. -anyway, that's all I have to say about that. -oh, my God. So Race Against the Machine was the last funny one. This year, there's a few unlikely contenders. There's Nala, the Stevenage station cat. She's done a song called Check Me Out, which is a Christmas song which I've listened to, so you don't have to. Like Rage Against the Machine, a lot of realness. Talking of realness, Sleaford Mods have got a Christmas number one contender.

They've got a version of West End Girls. Have they? Yeah. I mean, listen, it's fine. It's a song which I love. City has done a version of the Nolands, I'm in the move for dancing. Can you guess what he's called it?

No, I can't. I'd like.

You to tell me. I'm in the move for Christmas.

I'll sweep and.

Sue on it. They are. But they do not get, as always, they do not get top bidding. Emf have teamed up with Stephen Fry. Oh, my God. I know to do a song called Hello People, but that's for shelter, I think, as well. Anyway, those are the unlikely contenders, but there's four that are going to win it before I go on to them. My three favorites, Chris on number one facts, if you can bear it.

I would love this.

This first one, this rather a nice... You know how you get old? Yes. And you suddenly realize that other people don't know your references and you talk to young people. I'm going to tell a story now about Thora Heard. Amazing. That's the podcast. I'm looking.

Around, anybody? Thanks for joining.

Us, everyone. There's some youngsters. Tony knows Thora Heard. There he is. The Christmas song, Chestnut's Roasting on an Open Fire, was written by Thora Heard's son-in-law. No. Yeah. How about that? Mel Tormay. Written in half an hour, Chestnut's Roasting on an open fire and stupidly called the Christmas song because they have to constantly put brackets, Chesnut's racing on an open fire because otherwise no one knows the one they're talking about. Talking to people who write Christmas songs, Misselturn Wine, Christmas number one, Cliff Richard, that was written by the same man who wrote the theme tune to Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. Really? Yeah, it made absolutely millions. Keith Strachan wrote the millionaire theme with his son.

I'd like to talk to him about a couple of the lyrics, the couplets in that which are not acceptable, not the millionaire theme. The- The Misselturn Wine. Yeah, Misselturn Wine and Christian rhyme, unacceptable as a couplet in my view. Do you think? Nobody has ever said the phrase Christian rhyme at all. So if you've had to do that, you've to have to make it go. And I think you should have come up with.

Something else. Every Christmas Eve, I think Christmas Eve, Misselturn, Steve. I don't know why I can never get out of my head. So now I can put it in your head as well. But Merry Christmas, everyone, by Shakey, which is a classic, they were supposed to release in the same year as Band-Aid, but they realized Band-Aid was coming out. They thought this song is too good, so they held it back for an entire year. Anyway, that was written by Bob Heatley, who wrote the theme tune to Pat Sharp's Fun House.

Again, thank you for.

The references. Absolute pleasure. My final one is Christmas Rapping by The Waitresses. So that's the song, Merry Christmas, which the Spice Girls did a cover version of, and it's a great song. The guy who wrote Christmas Wrapping, Chris Butler, made some money out of the Spice Girls cover version of Christmas Wrapping. So bought a house in Ohio, was shown around this house. It was much cheaper than he thought it was going to be because it was big. So he bought this house with Christmas wrapping money. The reason it was so cheap, he found out later it was Jeffrey Darmer's house. The money that the Spice Girls made him was spent on Jeffrey Darmer's house. Most of us would pull out of the purchase.

That took me.

Somewhere unexpected. I know, right? Yeah. You did not think I was going to go from Pat Sharp's Fun House to Jeffrey Darmer quite that quickly.

That is quite a lot of levels below. It's a wonderful life in terms of Christmas spirit. Yes, that is quite a few. It is a little bit.

Good fact, though.

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