It's almost like you wake up one day and you're like, Oh, my God, how did I get to this point?

Addiction is no stranger to either of you.

My heart's racing. This is such a heavy topic. I was 14, and I had no clue that my dad was giving me Xanax as a young girl. It got so dark, you guys. I've forgiven him because I know his addiction was so bad. He was taking over 50 narcotics a day. What? Father, my ex-husband, my best friend growing up are all gone because of addiction, because of substance abuse. It just sucks so bad because I feel like the most magnificent sparkly people are the ones that have to deal with this.

To this day, when I hear about those things, I'm like, damn, I wish I could have gotten that.

Everything you've gone through, and you're very brave for doing this right now.Thanks, Taylor.Yeah..

When life gives you lemons, what do you do with them?

Over here at the Squeeze, we talk about it.

Hey, guys. Welcome back to my channel.

On today's video-Jacquelyn. Jordan. Taylor. Welcome to the squeeze. Hey.

A long time coming.

Yes. Truly. We had-Literal years. Yeah. We had to get you guys to move here to do this podcast. Literally.

It's so funny.

But it feels right this way. Yeah. Yeah. You know? It does. I feel like it was all meant to be.

Yeah, I agree. Yeah. I actually can't imagine us doing this a year ago.

I agree. Would have been a very different conversation. Yeah. For those listening that don't know, in the last... Okay. We met originally, what, like a year and a half?

Yeah, Mike and P. K. Is whatever. To whenever that was. Years and a half.

Years ago. But as of recently, within the last few months, Jacquelyn and Jordan have moved literally 10 minutes away from us. Fun fact, we also found their house.

I was going to say, I don't know if you're going to try to keep it humble.

I was like, I'm definitely going to thank them.

Oh, no, no, no.

It's all in reality. Yeah, literally.

No, we were so... When we found out that they were considering moving out here, we were like, Okay, you know what we need to do? We need to find them the house, and that will seal the deal. They won't have any other choice. And we were shocked.

Signed, sealed, and delivered.

We were shocked because you guys literally were like, Oh, we'll go look at a house for you tomorrow. And we were like, Whoa, this is so nice of them. You went and looked at your houses for us.

We looked at three. Three. That's three. Thank God, he didn't think that was creepy because you would have to be like, Excuse me. But he was literally so excited. He's like, Jordan said they're going to come out here. We're going to go look at houses. I was like, great.

Sign me up. It really was like you guys matched our energy because we're the friends that when we click with people, we immediately are like, let's go above and beyond. You guys did that for us, and we were like, oh, hell, yeah. Family. We're family now. Yeah.

Super refreshing.

Super refreshing. That's sweet. We just knew. I've never said this to you guys, but I think the moment that we knew that we just loved you guys was when we drove you somewhere at the wedding.

Yeah, I was drunk in the back seat.

Back to the hotel.

Yeah, back to the hotel afterwards. You guys were in the back. It was maybe a little weird for a second because we didn't know you guys. But by the end of the car ride, we were like, They're great.

That's how we felt. No, we felt the same way. We were like, They're so cool.

I'm so glad you feel that way because I was so drunk in the back seat of your car. The next day, I was like, Dude, thinks that they knew I was drunk? He's like, No, you were good.

No, I didn't.

This was a welcome reception party that we went to. Everyone was drinking, except you, who was driving. But that was...

Yeah, and that's very out of the norm for you to want to offer that, too. You're very kind and you do a lot of things for people, but people, he doesn't know, into his space, into a car where you're like, everyone's done.

Could be my actual nightmare.

Yeah, for sure.

People in your personal space. Will we bond We bonded on some things before that because we talked about the game night things. I was like, Oh, we love game night. I throw a game night. Then obviously the cooking and then- Wait, we have to do a game night still.

We still have not done a game night. That we straight to jail. Straight to jail. That's crazy. I What are we doing here? I know.

Ends podcast.

We got to go play some games.

Then honestly, our timeline, you guys started dating a couple months before we did, and then you got engaged a couple months before we did, and you got married a couple months before we did. It was just like, whoa.

It was cool. It was so incredible to meet a couple of our age because it's something that we genuinely have talked about for so long, hoped and prayed for. You guys, just where you stand morally, what you want out of life, just your future aligns with ours so perfectly. Moving literally five minutes away from you guys, we were like, Wow, this is just literally an answer to prayers. Yeah.

It's so sweet. What a gift. It's so sweet. I love that. Thanks, guys. We invited you here just to make us feel better about ourselves. We're happy to do so. You know it. I want to know how are you liking LA? Thoughts, feelings, opinions. Are you happy you did it?

I wouldn't go back if you paid me, too. I love it here. Okay. It's amazing.

I'll give a different answer. I don't love I love LA, but I love being outside of LA. I love it. The area that we're in, I love so much. But once you get into LA, the traffic is insane. You can't get a dinner reservation. That part's crazy. A lot of people are like, Why did you move to LA? It's because our businesses are here, but also we're- It's not LA. We're not in LA.

A lot of people live in, not LA, but live all around it. That's what's doable.

La area.

La County.

But people ask us that all the time. They're like, How do you live out there? I'm like, It's not what you think. No.

Come to the mountain.

The weather is just every day. We've been here for four months. It's going to be four months in two days. Oh, wow. It's going so fast. It's still every day. I know it's 90 degrees right now and everyone's like, That's so hot. But even with this heat, it's nothing compared to Florida. Because you guys are used to- There's no humidity. It's every morning. I'm like, Are you kidding me? We live here. This is crazy. I know, Don't come for free, I know. I know that California tax is going to smack us right in the face. Yeah, that is true.

We can't forget Citrus Got Real.

Oh, I did forget it.

All right. We're going to go back just a little bit because we start each episode. Citrus Got Real.

You're like, that? It's such a good play on words.

We start each episode with a segment called Citrus Got Real, which is in this jar, we have questions. If you wouldn't mind maybe each just pulling one? Absolutely.

Sort of an icebreaker?

Yes, even though it's already broke.

I feel good, guys. I feel good. I'm not nervous anymore.

Oh, drum roll.

You go first, baby.

I think we should switch. Okay. I haven't even seen mine? No, read it.

I'll trust you. If you could use only one skincare product for the rest of your life. I'm going to just say one random thing in general, and it's moisturizer. I was going to say SPF. I would say an SPF that also is a moisturizer. Just for obvious reasons. I literally couldn't do my makeup without moisturizer.

She definitely thinks we planted that question, by the way.

If you could open a store and only sell one item, what would it be?

Moisturizer. No.

Keep her coming back.

Keep her coming back.

Wait, was I supposed to answer it?

Well, we all just answered. Okay.

Oh, my God. I got nervous there. Okay.

I was like, I screwed up already. I cut you guys off. Go ahead. What's your one skincare?

That's probably what I would say because it's the only thing I use.

Okay. There you go.

I'm trying to think of something outside of the box.

Cleanser.

That's a good one. Recently, I've been loving... I don't remember the name. It's from Tata Harper, but it's like a brightening serum.

Vitamin C.

It's not there. I'll show you after. Okay. Because I scarved really easily because of my skin tone. It's actually really lightened the scarring over this past month. Yeah, it's working with the brightening. I've seen it.

That's how I lightened up my freckles. I used to be a freckle face. People are shocked when I showed photos covered in freckles. Oh, wow. Now I miss them. But I use a lot of products for brightening, and my freckles literally disappeared. Oh, wow.

Oh, I need that. I got you, baby. Mine would be cow fat. You're not going to think I'm crazy, but I use beef tallow on my face.

Oh, I thought you were doing a joke. No. No. No beef tallow.

No, he's serious. Okay. It's supposed to be the best moisturizer ever.

I mean, your skin is looking nice. The light's reflecting a little- A little glowy, right?

Yeah.

It rates a 100 out of 100 on the Yuka app. It's as clean as it can get. Oh. Very good for your skin. It's all natural.

You use it as a moisturizer? Yeah. Wow.

It smells good. They put essential oils in it.

Beef tallow. I looked up the actual benefits of it, and it's incredible.

That's as clean as you can get.

Yeah. Because they're also mammals, for some reason, the fat assimilates in your face better, so you absorb it way more. It's just super moisturizing.

Look at us running out to buy beef tallow.

Rubbing it off. Wow, versatile. I need to try some. Would that be your product you would sell in your store?

I'm selling beef.

Would you actually sell beef, baby?

I could be a meat guy. Yeah, I could be a meat guy.

Come on, guys. Everyone here is way too business-brained to say beef. You got to think of something that everybody needs. That way you can stay in business. I'm definitely not going to say lipsticks.

Or maybe I would. We'll get into that later.

I would sell seasonings for food. Yes. Love that. On brand.

Love that.

I would sell makeup. I would.

But all jokes are said. It's one product, though. One makeup.

Oh, it's one product.

So it really can't be lipstick.

I'm upset now because I would say lipstick. I'm going to say I'm just going to take a cold, hard pass at this one.

Okay, I'll go sports memorabilia.

Okay.

That's good. Because I would just enjoy walking around the store and admiring everything.

Oh, my gosh.

I like that. It's I'm getting a retirement plan.

I literally just got a cute little vision of him as an old man walking around a shop.

Oh, yeah. My Barry Sanders. Oh, it's sweet.

That's so cute. I'm not going to have a better answer than that one.

Okay, so you're going to pass on that, too? Yeah. All right.

I'll pass on that one. All right.

I get it. Good answers all around.

So if you guys are watching this on YouTube, or if you have seen any social clips, You know that I'd like to be comfortable. I'm, majority of the time, in sweats or I'm in baggy jeans. I just go for comfort, and that tends to roll into how I do my makeup. I always love a more natural look. I also just I don't really know what I'm doing when it comes to makeup. So that is why the natural look is just my go-to. But I've been looking to refresh my products because everything is dwindling down to the last drops. And I was asking my makeup artist recently who just absolutely crushes it. I trust her product advice with my heart and soul. But I was asking her for some companies, some products that she recommends that I could use as a little bit of a refresh in what my routine is. And she They recommended some products from Thrive Cosmetics. And if you guys don't know what Thrive Cosmetics is, this company is doing so good in this world. They are bigger than beauty. For every product that you purchase, you donate to help a woman thrive.

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I think we should just dive in. Let's do it. Because we have a lot of topics to cover today. Great. I know this is going to-We locked you in here. I know this is going to feel like we're just diving in, but since we have so much to discuss, I feel like we should just start somewhere that I know both of you can relate to. And that topic is addiction. I know, addiction is no stranger to either of you. You've both lost loved ones and people you care about to addiction. And addiction is so complex and just so many layers to it, which we certainly will get into. But before we do that, I just wanted to start for both of you with when was your first introduction to addiction? In what that is in your life. Jord, you can start.

It would have been my older brother, rest in peace. But when you're younger, I don't think you grasp the concept of addiction. You know what I mean? When you're younger, it's just you just see all these red flags and somebody that you love just changing before your eyes. He was the only person in my life at that time that was getting hooked on things and succumbing to that. But also the opioid crisis in the early 2000s hit all of my friends in the neighborhood that I grew up in. All of his friends, him So many of my childhood friends have passed away from it. It's pretty insane.

How much older was your brother?

Ten years.

Okay.

Ten years. I watched literally two age groups just literally just get obliterated by opioids. It was absolutely insane. My brother was the first one, though. Before I could wrap my head around what exactly was happening, it was just like, what is happening? That's my first experience. Right.

I want to preface this by saying that my heart is pounding out of my throat right now because I've never talked about this. I'm so light-headed. I've never talked about this publicly in my career. It's like, you can hear my voice shaking. It's like, skeletons in my closet that I've had for the last 13 years because I've never opened up about. Just the addiction that's followed me ever since I was a little in my life. So I'll open up with you guys now. I mean, what better, right? I also feel like it has to be said that I've waited for there to be a safe enough space, such as this one, to have this conversation. That's why I told them that I was comfortable having this conversation on here because I trust them, and they're such good friends and good people. And I love what the Lemon Foundation is all about and your podcast. So thank you for having me and having me be so open and vulnerable. And to anyone watching, I just have to say that this is my first time talking about this out loud, publicly, and I'm very scared. And please just listen to me with grace because I really don't know how to go about this in the right way.

But I do hope that one day I can help other girls who have been in relationships with family members and friends and spouses who are dealing with addiction. That's something that I would love to do down the line, and I do feel like I'm finally ready to talk about it a little bit. It's something that Jordan and I also can relate to because he did lose his brother to addiction and watched him struggle for all those years. I was first introduced to addiction through my father. He was in a life-changing accident when I was seven years old. I was born and raised on a farm, and I was homesick with the flu. I'll never forget, seven years old, my mom getting a phone call and just losing her mind. My dad was on his way to the Quad Cities. He was a farmer. Did I mention that? My dad was a farmer. For generations and generations, my family was always farmers. He was a really good one, a really successful farmer. And on his way to the city one day when it was snowing, and a semi came across the median and hit him 120 miles an hour head-on, smashed his car so badly that when the police got to the scene, they didn't even check his car because they just presumed that whoever was in that car, they did not make it.

They were dead. And the outcome of that was, I mean, basically every bone in my dad's body was shattered. His hip bone was sticking out of his skin like he was mangled. And he was in surgery for almost 18 hours, I think it was. Somehow they managed to save his legs, although one was three inches shorter than the other. Inside, it was all metal. Metal everything. Because of that, we lived in Illinois. My dad was a farmer. He was told that he would never walked again. By the grace of God, he did walk again. That was a big part of his testimony. Was never able to run or walk fast. Walked with a cane majority of the time, but he was able to walk and get out of that wheelchair. But we moved to Florida because his legs were would freeze in the winter because of the metal.

Oh.

Metal detectors at airports became a huge thing. We'd always have to put aside 30 minutes because my dad would have to go into a separate room and strip so that they could do all the things because his legs would go off. We moved to Florida very quickly because his legs would freeze and cause excruciating pain. As you can imagine, with an accident that brutal, the pain medication that was prescribed to him was never ending. He had already struggled with addiction. He was in and out of AA and dealt with that in a real way. My parents went through a lot of trouble before I was born. He got clean, felt like I was like his second chance at being a father because he really wasn't there in a lot of ways for my brother and sister because of his alcoholism. And I was seven years after my sister. So he had gotten clean and been through the program. And so he felt like, this is my second chance. Yeah. And so there was a lot of favoritism with me because because of that. So as my father was developing this horrible addiction to painkillers and opiates, he also had this very strange connection with me because that was his second chance.

I felt, growing up, I got the brunt of it. It was more so like, Oh, your brother and sister, they don't have to have a strict curfew, and they can do what they want. But me, it was like, he was obsessed with me, obsessed with controlling me. It became a very codependent relationship. And so in turn, I tried to fix my dad. I wanted to fix his addiction. It got so dark, you guys. So when I was younger, I struggled with panic attacks really, really bad. I still remember my first one in the mall, out of nowhere, my hand just cramped up and my heart was racing. I thought I was going to pass out. I ran home, and my dad was like, take this. It'll help you. It helps me. I did not know until eight years later that he was giving me Xanax. Oh, wow. I was 14. And it's like, I feel bad even talking about this. But I talked to family about, Can I talk about my dad for the first time ever? Can I talk about our dad? And can I talk about your ex-husband to my mom? And they're like, Yes, you have permission.

Because at the end of the day, we know that he's up there right now wanting people to know his mistakes because that's how you learn. That's how you empower, and that's how you empower, and that's how you help. Chips. My heart's racing. This is such a heavy topic. You're doing good, baby.

You're doing good.

Am I? Yeah. It's so hard. It was later in life when I started hanging out with a bad I was like, wait a second. I know what that pill is. My dad used to give me that pill, and I had no clue that my dad was giving me Xanax as a young girl to help with my panic attacks. It's insane. I've forgiven him for that, though, Because I know his addiction was so bad, you guys. It was so bad. He went through so many programs trying to get clean. But at one point, he was taking over 50 narcotics a day. What? Every day. Yeah, it was so awful. This obviously led to divorce. And what's so sad, you guys, is that my whole family has... We've always, still to this day, we're like, My dad was the best dad. Whatever dad you can imagine as the coolest guy, he was the coolest. He was the coach of every team He was the pastor at our local youth group on the farm. Everyone loved him. He was the man. He was super successful. He always just was the guy. He walked in the room and everybody was like, Jim.

He was so much fun. And then we just watched Substance just deteriorate him and just take our dad from us, like little by little. And he just started acting out physically and emotionally in ways that was so confusing as a teenager to watch it happen. Like, where is my dad going? And then I wanted to fix him. I wanted to fix the problem. My parents started going through a divorce for obvious reasons. It was getting really bad. It was getting physical. It was way past emotional abuse at this point. It was me and my mom at home alone. My brother and sister were married and out of the house, and I was watching him do things to her and myself that were just so awful. Cops were being called. It was just... He was in jail a couple of times. It was just so... I can't believe I'm talking about this because I've literally never I've ever talked about this. This is so hard. I'm so hard to be... I'm so scared to be judged for it, which I know is so silly because why is that stigma there?

There's nothing to judge here.

It's so hard. Anyways, amongst all of that, I lost two friends in high school to drug addiction.

Wow.

Went to two funerals, watched them as I'm seeing what my father is doing, as I'm seeing the ambulance be called all the time. My mom's trying to protect me, locking me in the room while I can hear ambulance out there. I can hear my dad screaming, my dad trying to withdraw in dangerous ways because he'd have these moments where he's like, I'm going to stop. And he tried a cold turkey. And it's like, it was just so... It was so hard to watch. I finally got to the point around 17 years old where I'm I'm like, I'm going to screw you, dad. And it's really inside. I'm a young kid. Like, hello, I'm 17 years old. What can I do? But in my 17-year-old mind, it's like, I'm angry at him, and he's not going to change for me. And at that time, I met my ex-husband, John, who also struggled with substance abuse. My mindset was very much, if I can't fix my dad, I can fix this one. I just went from him to him. I don't want to talk too in-depth about him because he's no longer here. My father, my ex-husband, my best friend growing up are all gone because of addiction, because of substance abuse.

I don't want to go too in-depth, although my ex-husband was very, very vocal about his issues, and that's something that he was very passionate about. He wanted so badly to one day write a book, and it's just so sad that this... Yeah. It's so sad that it just lost. He lost. He didn't get to see that through. It just sucks so bad because I feel like the most magnificent, sparkly people are the ones that have to deal with this.

I was just going to say myself and I've had family struggle with addiction and some family members that are still knee deep in it. I don't see them and talk to them because they're in that. But it It's always those people. It would just be so much easier if they were assholes. It would be so much easier if they weren't good people. But I just feel like addiction truly goes after the people that have that sparkle, the people that have that heart.

That light off the room.

It's the same with Jason. I say it all the time about my brother because she never met my brother. But I'm just like, if you think I'm cool, you should have met my brother. You would have fell in love with my brother because my brother was just a... He was my hero. He was my idol. You know I mean? It really does. I feel like it just hits the super talented, A-type personality, special, sparkly people.

The people that on paper, you never would guess.

It just doesn't make sense, man. I don't get it, but it's like, yeah, it's insane.

It's awful. I know it's common. I went from my dad to my I'm his husband, and we dated for a very short period of time. My dad was like, If you move out with him, if you move into an apartment together, I will not pay for a wedding. I will not see this relationship. I won't support this relationship. It's amongst everything that he had put us through. This is where his head was at. I'm like, Okay, so we're going to get married. We got married, planned a wedding in six weeks so that my dad would approve because even amongst all of this, I still cared so much about my father's approval. My dad, at this point, was just so far gone in his illness and in this disease of addiction. But I just so badly wanted my dad to love me. I wanted him to walk me down the aisle. I wanted him to approve of something. Then shortly right after my marriage to my ex-husband, I had to completely cut my father off. I actually had to file for a restraining order. And then that's when everything happened with my ex-husband. I just want to rewind really quickly to how this was.

This was something that whenever my ex would get clean, he would have a passion in his heart to help people through this because that's who he was. It really is a disease. It overcomes. It overtakes. And I don't think that anybody is too good for it. And that leads me to what I went through, because when I started drinking really heavily, I got to the place where I looked at myself in the mirror and I was like, It's happening to me. And I lost all judgment that I've ever had towards people who struggle with addiction because I got a taste of that, and my heart softened so much for what these people went through.

It's just so awful. It's so easy to just be like, Well, why? Because I remember that was as a child when my first introduction to addiction was, it was with my cousin who had overdose on heroin, and his friends tried to wake him up with water, and he had breathed in water, so he was in fully ICU. I mean, he didn't have much OD, but my parents took me to see him as a nine-year-old, and that was my first time in an ICU seeing all these tubes in him and all of these things. I remember being like, Why did he do that? Why didn't he just stop? I feel like that is, as a nine-year-old, that is a common thought. But even as full-grown adults, that's such a stigma around addiction. You can't. Sometimes Sometimes people are able to do it, but it's so complex. There's just so many different layers.

It's so complex. It's so many people feel they need to hide it. I mean, 99% of people I'm not a professional. I'm just throwing that number out there. But everyone, even me talking about not drinking anymore, the amount of people, content creators, celebrities, friends, friends of friends who reach out to me and been like, I'm in the program. I, too, have an alcohol problem. I'm like, whoa, I would have never thought. But everyone feels the need to hide it. It's like everyone's ashamed. I feel like if we would start talking about it more from every perspective, from the codependence perspective, the spouse's perspective, if everyone would just start opening up about this a little bit more, I think that we could get to a better place.

And it's crazy how many people actually are, whether it is whether you've gone through it, whether it is your spouse, a friend, a family member. It's It's a very common thing.

Yes. Yeah. I feel like everybody can relate to it in some way of the spider web. Yeah.

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But for me, I have not experienced anything close to what both of you have. But Tay and I were talking last night about the complexities of it and the layers of how deep and complicated addiction can get. For me, it seems like it would sometimes be the toughest to be the person, the brother, the wife, the friend, because you start to develop this... You love these people. You care about them. Yeah, absolutely. You start to develop this savior thing within yourself, where all you want to do is help them. All you want to do is save them. But you're shown over and over again that it's not working. Then you tell yourself, well, if I stop helping them, they're just going to fail. Yeah.

It's going to be my fault.

Then it's going to be my fault. So you attach this guilt to what could happen. And it's like, when and how do you draw that line?

We both had to do it. Hard lines.

Yeah. I had to do it, my brother. We actually weren't talking when he passed away, which is- Really? Yeah, it's unfortunate.

It's unfortunate, but-It's that line.

It's so crazy how somebody can just completely change. I'm I'm not kidding. My brother was just all-star, prom king, baseball player. He was that guy. Then it's like when he would get back on the bottle and start dabbling in pills and stuff, it was literally somebody that I was scared of, quite frankly. I was 14, 15, 16 years old, and it's just like, I don't even recognize this, dude. What the hell? Where'd my brother go? As I got older, it got worse and worse and worse. My brother wasn't guy who struggled his whole life. My brother would get sober for six months or a year and then rebuild his entire life and get an amazing job. Yeah, he was training NFL players and tennis players and athletes Tell me how that was. He had this crazy job. He would just be so successful. Then he would just literally take one sip, dude, and it was just all gone. Then he would go on a bender for a year and then get sober again. It It was a roller coaster.

It was a constant battle. It was like, yes.

Yeah, dude. I have this horrible memory. I'll never forget. I was in my mom's car, my little sister's in the back seat, and my mom had bought this powder. Apparently, if the person drank this powder, if they drank alcohol, it would make them throw up. It had this reaction. It would make them sick. I remember my mom gave this powder to my brother's girlfriend, and she was on the phone, and she was like, Please put his orange juice in the morning. It'll make him so he can't drink. I just remember his girlfriend being like, I can't. I'm scared. I'm scared to do that. Then my mom just bawling her eyes out in the car. It's just like, What the hell is going going on. You know what I mean? It's just unlimited stories, which I'm sure so many people who have dealt with somebody who struggles with addiction can relate to because it wasn't until later in life when I had seen other friends start struggling with it, where I'm like, whoa, you guys all change and you all do these very similar out-of-character things. I told Jack, and it's almost like they go to a class and they're like, this is how you act when you're on it.

It's a disease. It takes you over.

It's like, yeah. I mean, it's insane, dude. Yeah.

I used to not think it was a disease. I was like, that's a cop-out. Just stop. Stop drinking. Stop taking the pills. You're making a choice. Stop, grow up. Then I very much, now that I'm 34 years old and have been through what I've been through with everybody, I'm like, this is a disease. They don't want that. These people in my life, my best friend, my dad, my ex, they did not want that for themselves. They were better than that. It sunk It's teeth into them. It's true. They do things so out of character. It's just, who are you? Trying so hard to love you. I'm trying so hard to help you. But who are you? Why would you do this to me? Then it becomes a me thing. You don't love me. Why are you doing this to me? And after years and years and years of that, it's like, Okay, so you don't love me anymore. And it's like, This is not about you. They're doing this to you because of them. You are just in their space right now, and they need to get clean. But they'll only get clean and change, not only if they want to, but if they have the strength to.

I could talk about this forever. It's such a hard subject. It's so deep. It's so sad. It's so sad.

Because as much of a disease that it is, you are getting hurt by it. You are catching the straight bullets. You are taking a lot of the pain. And that's the hard part, because then And once again, when do you stand up and protect yourself?

Yeah, that's the question, right? My therapist looked at me and said, It's either your life or his. Which one are you going to choose? Because you're sinking into I think that's how it is, no matter if it's a spouse, if it's a best friend, if it's a sister, if it's a mom, a dad, it's just when you're really close to someone, it gets to that point. And if they are saying, I want to change, but yet they refuse to go to rehab, and they refuse to know that they have a problem, they're not going to change. It's not going to change. I think that was the hardest part for me with everybody that I had in my life was just being like, okay, I have to listen to what they're saying and accept it instead of trying to force them to get better. Because they are telling me by their actions that they don't want to change. Or it's like same thing with all them. They would go to rehab three, four, five, six times. They get out, and they go back to the substance within 24 hours. I'll be like, Okay, let's do it again.

Let's rehab again. Let's do it again. Come on. But it's like, are their actions showing that they want this or not?

How did you finally get to that point of being setting That's so hard.

At the end of the day, I don't think you ever actually fully set a solid boundary because like Taylor said, you love these people, right? It's like, I can't be around. For me, just personally speaking, for my brother, it would just get so toxic and scary to me. It would hurt me because I love this guy. I idolize this guy. I dude my whole life. I would just literally have to be like, I can't talk to you, bro. I can't talk to you until you're sober. I would just have to tell him straight up. Being a 16, 17-year-old kid telling your 26, 27-year-old brother that, that's tough. But it's like, if he needed help, I'm there. So it's like, is there actually... There's a boundary, but also it's like, I'm still here for you. You know what I mean? It's like, you're still You know what I'm saying? You got a pulse on them.

But, yeah, I don't know. I think for me, the point in my personal journey of when I set the boundaries with everybody, this is not just one person, but everybody, is when everyone around me was like, What are you doing? Everyone around me was like, enough. You need to... Your dad needs to be out of your life. You know what I'm saying? These people, this is too far. Friends and family started seeing physical abuse happening and just things, horrible things. It's almost like you wake up one day and you're like, Oh, my God, how did I get to this point? Then you have this inner battle because you're like, I want to help them. I want to save them. That's all you want. That's it. But if they don't want it for themselves, it is not going to happen. So it gets to the point where it's like, Here are several numbers to rehabs. You have my number. You call me if you are ready for help. Otherwise, I can't be in your life. Because next thing you know, you start enabling it and you start making excuses for it. Then it's And then the toxic actions start happening and you're just like, Okay, it's just another bad day.

Okay. Okay, we're going to get through this. And it's like, you're both just drowning. It's like you have weights tied around your ankles in the deep end. And it's like, someone has to come up for air. It's like, you got to put your mask on first to breathe. Get that breath so that you are there and you are strong and you are able-bodied for when and if that time comes, that they're ready to save themselves and they truly need help. You're like, Okay, I've got you now. I'm here. And unfortunately, for a lot of people in my life, that didn't happen.

Something that you just mentioned, and then something that we've talked about in private is those therapy sessions. I just think it's so... I'm going to get emotional thinking about you. I think it's so powerful, yet devastating because it's so real having to have that conversation with a therapist being like, it is your life or theirs. Knowing that if I leave this person, if I put this boundary, if I do what I need to do and separate myself from this human, there's going to be a chance that they fail, and that is most likely going to be the outcome. I know that's something that a lot of people face and what keeps a lot of people stuck in these situations. Do you have any advice or words for someone that is in that same situation right now that you were once in and just feeling just so helpless and just at a fork in a road?

Oh, my gosh. Words of advice that I would have for somebody that's going through this.

Or something that you thought of that helped you through or just what that time was like.

Yeah, I would say, and this is regarding all of it, all three people, right? In this moment, I'm not just thinking about my dad, or I'm not just thinking about my ex or my my friend, thinking about all of it. I would love to be able to talk to myself 10 years ago and just say, I promise you that there is life outside of this. I promise you that it doesn't always have to be like this, that you don't have to feel this pain every single day. Because going from my dad to my friend to my ex, it's like for, I would say, 20 years straight of my life, I was in survival mode and savior mode every day of my life, every day. The exhaustion and the toll that that takes on you. I went through therapy for eight years with my therapist just for addiction, all different forms of therapy. Hypnosis Pneusocysts, talk therapy, EMDR, neurofeedback. I was doing everything I possibly can just to try to work through this because as you can imagine, there's a lot deep inside of me, and there's some really dark belief systems because of this. I did make a lot of it about me at times.

Which I can admit now. Why would you do this to me? Why would my dad do this to me? Me, me, me, me, me, love you as much as they possibly can and as much as they know how, but they're sick and they need help. That's what it comes down to. They need help. It's like, you're not going to stand over someone dying in a hospital bed and be like, Why don't you love me?

That's so real. That's a really good analogy.

I wish that I could hear my future self say that to me when I was young. They need help, and they're not going to get help unless they want it. That's the hardest part because you're like, well, if I walk away, what's going to happen to them? You have to love yourself enough to walk away and just get yourself strong, get yourself right, get your head in the right space. Then when and if that time comes, you're there for them.

Another topic. It's heavy. I know. We're going to get a little lighter as we go. But it's so important to talk about these things. You guys are both just lovely humans, and hearing the things that you guys have gone through.

I want to raise my hand and say one thing and cut you off. I'm so sorry, Tae. But I think that this is very important to say that I feel the need, even after death, to still protect my ex-husband more than anything because of the fact that we were friends from the time I was 14 years old and because we were married for nine years. Jordan is extremely, extremely comfortable with me talking about him and going through the grieving process of all things. He had to deal with that because I wasn't going to hide my grief, right? But I feel like it's very important that I just say that no one will ever know what really went on in John and I's marriage because he is now gone, and I'm the only one left, and I will take that to my grave out of respect for him. I'm just here to talk about what it's like to be married to someone who does struggle with addiction because I know that it is in every single moment of every single day when I'm talking, it's setting alarms in the middle of the night and waking up to check the pulse.

It does not stop. It is a full-time job. I so badly want to use my platform at some point in my life to talk about that and be there for these girls who just feel like there is no other life outside of that. I also want to do with the utmost respect and keep it broad in general. But I do want to say that John was so passionate about helping people in his sober moments, to the point that he was clean for a little while there after our divorce. And he was amazing. It was beautiful to see. And during that time, he did create music. He wrote an entire album about his addiction. He even made some music videos showing it. He even hired an actress to play me. We worked on that together to show his point of view of what it looked like from him. So all of those things are out there. And I just want to say that because although it would be easy to be like, Oh, screw anybody who has anything to It does affect me. It does hurt me. I just want everyone to know this was a passion of his.

It was his number one thing that he talked about outside of drums, which he was so talented at. But it was a passion of him to help people. He talked about in the last couple of years about how he wanted to get right, and he wanted to do addiction counseling, and he wanted to help people get through what he went through. I just want to say that.

That's all I could think of this whole time you've been talking. When you started talking about your dad and you start talking about everything you've gone through in your life, especially the stuff that you never have before, all I could think about is how proud your ex would be of you for doing this right now because that's what he would be doing himself.

Yeah.

And you're doing it. Yeah. And you're very brave.

Thanks Taylor. It's so sweet. Oh, my God. I know. It's so sweet because it really is true.

I think you do for anyone on the internet, I know it's not you Lemon Drop. If it's anyone that's from her industry over there and is coming in Sasson, I think you did an absolutely beautiful job. Even in private, when you talk about him to me, you are so respectful and you are so kind. Anyone that disagrees with that can just piss off and stop watching this episode.

Thanks, Tate.

Love you.

Mama Bear.

But no, seriously, you- It's just the truth. It's the truth. I'm not just saying that because I'm your friend. Like, truly, I've been sitting here, I mean, in awe of both of you, and I already was before we started doing this.

I've never seen a YouTube video of yours in my life. You're just my friend, and you're my real friend, and that's the actual fact.

Thank you, guys.

That means a lot.

Something that you started talking about, and I want to hear, you both have dealt with grief in your life, a handful of it, and I know you've dealt with a lot of it together. It is something we talk about a lot on this podcast because, again, everyone at some point in in your life deals with it, deals with loss. I guess both individually and as together, what has your grieving process been like as individuals and together?

If there's one thing I've learned. It's because my brother passed away. It's that... Okay, let me backtrack. When parents lose a child, there's a 90% divorce rate, It was just insane. But I read into it because my mom and her man at the time ended up splitting up, and it was definitely a big contribution. That's because when two people are experiencing major, major your grief at the same time, they can't lean on one another. Think about it. As a partner, she's going to grieve over things that happen in her life, and I'm going to be there to support her and vice versa. But when two people go through something that's incredibly traumatic or very hard, who do you lean on every day? Because you live with this person, you sleep next to this person, you wake up next to this person. So one thing I've learned is that if we go through something hard, I I have conscious thoughts of, Okay, she's feeling it right now. And even though I'm feeling it, she's feeling it more than me. So let me just be there for her in this moment.

Yeah, waying Weighing out when you have to be the strong one.

Yeah. You have to be conscious about that, or it can damage your relationship. It can hurt you. That doesn't just go for husband and wife or spouses. That's family, too. It's parents. It's even my mom. Gosh, losing my brother was so hard for me. But then I take a step back and I'm like, Oh, my mom birthed him and was pregnant with him and raised him from a baby. She had 10 years with him before I was even conceived. It's just like, Then it's like, I have to consciously... Me and my mom butt heads sometimes, but I have to remind myself of these things Hey, dude, she's feeling this just as much as you, if not more. So be Be receptive to that and be open to that and be a shoulder for her to lean on in that moment, even though you want to break down, too. If there's one thing I've learned from grief, it's that you have to feel it, you have to go through it. But if you're going through it with other people, be conscious of them, too. Because it helps.

I also think that grief has no limits, so you can't limit your grieving process. I, for so long, used alcohol because I thought that was helping me grieve, making, numbing myself. It wasn't until my therapist said, Let it out, girl. I cried so hard sitting in her office. I thought I was going to puke. She grabbed the trash can, put the trash can in my lap, and she I thought you were going to throw up because I was screaming out my trauma. I got to this place where it's like, Did you ask me to give advice on grieving, or am I just making this up? You're doing a great job.

You're I'm doing a great job.

I was going to say, when it comes to truly grieving something, put down the bottle, put down the substance if you can, if you can do those things, whether you have to rely on a program to get you through that, or if you're at a place where you can stop on your own and allow yourself to actually feel it, no matter what that looks like. And screw anybody who's going to judge you for it or get upset with you or be like, Why don't you want to hang out? If it means you want to go to the top of a building at a parking garage and just scream at the top of your lungs, then do it because you have to go through it to get out of it. The only way out is through. I think that that is what I've now learned. And even if it's a small grief, even if it's something that's not Earth-shattering, I take that with me now on a weekly basis. Whatever it may be today, this happened. I'm not doing well. How am I going to take care of me today? And that's a tool that I have not implemented in my life.

If that means turning off my phone and just being in silence for an entire hour, taking a hot bath, I don't care whatever it is. It's like, okay, I'm going to get this out of my system however I feel need be. And I think that through grief, you just learn to put yourself first. You learn to be a little selfish. It's like, growing up, it's weird. It's like our parents were so anti being selfish, like you're being selfish right now. I feel like our generation is like, yeah, no, It's pretty healthy, actually, to be selfish at times. You have to be. You got to put on your breathing mask before you put on someone else's. That's what I learned. It's just let yourself feel it however you want to feel it to get through it. Be selfish so that you can be there for others.

Grief's like a weed. I'm trying to think of an analogy. I grew up mowing lawns with my dad, and it's like, you can hit it with the weed Whacker and mow over it. But guess what? You come back next week, it's going to pop back up. The only way to deal with it, you got to go to the root and you got to deal with it. You know what I mean? It's easy.

Did you just pull that out now?

Yeah, I just thought of that. Wow.

He's a wordsman.

You can drown it out, but you're going to have to deal with it at some point. If you don't go to the At some point.

To get it out of the ground, it's going to grow back. Yeah, 1,000%.

Wow.

Very deep. Period, baby.

No pun intended.

How are we doing?

Good. We're good. You guys. Oh, my God. It's been so heavy. I've been so nervous. I hope this is going to be one of the fun stuff now.

Do we this week for one more thing?

Oh, hit it.

Let him go. I wanted to say this earlier, but we got off topic. But for people that struggle with other... Having people in their life that have addiction, I can just speak out of experience. My brother has been dead for almost nine years now, and I hear of all these things, NAD therapy, neurofeedback, EM MDR, all of these things that help people with addiction. To this day, when I hear about those things, I'm like, damn, I wish I could have gotten that. You know what I mean? It's like, even though you have to make those boundaries and if you have to deal with the loss, it's like there's not a day that goes by or when opportunities or things come up where it's like, Oh, this can help those people. It's like, I still, the first thing I go back to is like, damn, I just wish I could have got them. It's like, you never stop caring. Yeah, of course not. Even if it ends ugly, you never stop.

That's real. Relying on your resources. Faces. It goes back to letting them know. Letting them know I can't be in your life right now because of what this is doing and how I'm enabling you and how toxic this has become. But if you really want help, I will help you no matter what that takes.

Absolutely.

Thanks for adding that in.

Yeah. It's beautiful.

It got sad again.

It's real life stuff, guys.

All right. We're through the worst of it. I know that was a A little tough, but thank you for both of you opening up. Those are difficult conversations, but so important to be had. But let's move on and hopefully, be on a lighter note here.

Let's talk about the lipsticks.

Oh, God. Here we go. She was the founder of Morphe. I discovered that when they had 10,000 followers on Instagram. And launch my lipsticks, which then became the biggest cancelation in the beauty community.

Everything that she had worked for just literally crashed.

Launched with hundreds of thousands of skews. There was defects in them. I talked to the owner. I'm talking to the chemist, and everyone's like, No, there's not mold. It is scientifically impossible.

New gossip channel videos, and they're all just ripping her to pieces.

I was just drinking all day, every day. I looked at myself in the mirror, and I did not recognize myself, physically and emotionally. Don't worry about me because I'm not going to do it, but I pray every single night that I don't wake up the next day. Angel.

Yeah, she's back to herself.

Yeah. Herself.