It's. I have new tour dates to tell you about. I'll be in New Orleans, Louisiana. We're coming back over there. We're gonna do it at the Sanger theater down there. Down there. Downtown, March 29 and 30th. That's Easter weekend. Get your tickets early with the presale code rat King starting this Wednesday, January 17, at 10:00 a.m. Local time. General on sale begins Friday day, January 19, at 10:00 a.m. Local time. We also have tickets remaining in Charlotesville State College, Amherst, Brisbane, Sydney in the Australia, and Atlanta, Georgia. Get all your tickets@theovon.com. Tour we are down here in Austin, Texas, today over at Rooster Teeth Studios, and we are happy to be here and really happy to let you know about today's guest. He's one of the brightest young comedians in the world. He is just a damn. I mean, just a long damn, just ivory flamingo of a boy. And he is just so humorous. And you know him from Matt and Shane's secret podcast and his latest special, beautiful dogs on Netflix. I'm grateful to get to spend time today with my friend. I'll sit and tell you my story. Shine on me and I will find a song I've been singing.

I don't know. I'm really not the podcast.

Who gives a fuck? We can sit here and say nothing, and people will be like, unbelievable. The two comedic geniuses of our time have done it again.

Legend.

They'll be like, yo, how do you jack off? How do you poop? People like, holy fuck. I'm not worried about it.

Legend. Dude, how weird is it when people start saying, you're a legend and you're like, I just ate a wendy's burger in the family restroom by myself.

I'm depressed.

That's always weird, I think, because that's probably started to happen to you. People are like, dude, this guy's the king, right?

Yeah, for sure.

I've heard stuff like that. Off road Elvis.

People call you that late Elvis, Vegas Elvis. Fat, sweaty, dying Elvis. That actually fires me up. I'll take that.

Yeah. People like, you'd be like, the baddest dyke in the world, people say. I've heard. And I mean holding back water. I'm not talking about.

Oh, yeah, stick a finger in there, dude.

If we win, what if we did under. We. We're did undercover lesbians?

I think you and me can pull that off real easy. You get rid of that.

Not all of it.

I know. Oh, yeah. Leave a little stubble.

Like one of those really crazy, like, the ones that are, like, they want you to know they could have been a man if they wanted to, but.

They chose this route for sure.

Yeah. Good to see you, man.

Good to see you, man.

Shane, bro, nice to see you.

Always happy to see you.

You too, man. Thanks for. Thanks for hanging out. Yeah, and I was so glad that I got to do Matt and Shane's secret podcast. Dude, that was awesome. Matt's amazing.

Matt's one of those guys. It's like, you, Tim, dylan, and Matt are the guys. Nick Mullen can do it, too. It's nice to be on a podcast with you guys where you can just sit there and be like, all, I'm not. I feel like I'm not that great at it. I'm good at. Yeah, it's nice to have somebody that's just, like, good at it.

I think if I'm feeling pretty geeked up, then I can do something.

Yeah, you can.

But then sometimes the wheels start to fall.

I agree. I'm actually very similar. If I'm like, all right, this is fun. I'm having a good day. Sometimes I'll just. Not many funny responses. Just, yeah, doing it with a buddy.

Is so fun, dude, because there's just somebody to talk to. Like, sometimes I'll do them by myself, and I'm like, fuck, I wish there was somebody else here.

I'm doing them by yourself is crazy. So crazy. I can't imagine. How often do you do that?

It really is. I think I do it, like, once a month right now by myself.

Got to be hard.

Yeah. Let me think about what it's like. I think sometimes it's just tough because your own. If you have a bad attitude, it's just you.

I can't imagine. Yeah. If I felt bad, I would go.

On there and just be like, hey, I feel bad. But then you don't want to be every week, like, hey, I feel like.

I've been in several months of that. Yeah. Every episode, I'm, like, fucking hungover again. Yeah. God damn it. This is depressing.

Yeah, really? It makes you feel that every time you show up, you're like, oh, I'm hungover. Until you start to notice a pattern, you mean.

Oh, yeah, for sure. Drinking too much. But I love it. I love it. There's no part of me that's like, all right, stop. You got it. That's what you tell yourself you got. Nah, you're fully in control.

Nah, man, you're good, dude. One time we were drinking with my buddy and he got into the uber, right? And he just didn't get his. Like, he had, like, real kind of heavy legs, because his mom kind of had heavy legs, but she'll wear tight pants and you kind of couldn't tell. But if you were over there a lot, you knew that she kind of had really stocky legs. But he was bringing his second leg into the uber, and his sandal fell off, right? So then we had this place we were going. Yeah. Everybody was just like, he just seems so much drunker than he was. It's crazy losing one piece of footwear and somebody's like, oh, that guy.

Like a lens of a glasses. One lens. You're fucking hammered. You got crackhead now.

Yeah. That's insane. I feel like losing a glass is a lens. You got to really? Yeah, your kids are like, nah. Yeah, your kids are like, we're going to order pizza forever.

It's pizza time.

Yeah. What was I looking at this morning that was making me, um. Oh, do you see that thing with the mayor? Do you see that thing with mayor. With the mayor of a. Oh, yeah, this is it right here. Do you see this? So Eric Adams, he teaches. What was he saying? They're teaching kids how to.

They're teaching parents how to search your kids room to find drugs and gun stuff.

Get it? You see this?

You can look at a jury box. A jury box of this nature. Maybe a simple jury box. But if you look through it closely, you don't know what your child may be hiding. For instance, that's from the state of New York government. Make it scary as fuck.

Hold on, hold on. Start it over. That music is crazy.

Scare the fuck out of these people.

It almost seems like the story before Castlevania starts on a video game.

This is the opening menu. But if you look through it closely, you don't know what your child may be hiding. For instance, a gun. Look at picture frames behind them. Camera. Try to determine what's taking place behind a picture frame. You can find bullets. You should always. When your child. This is a video game. That's where you find bullets. Look through it.

Just look through his knapsack. You might find a grenade in addition to a book.

Something as simple as a crackpipe. Something simple as a baby doll.

Great as a kid baby doll.

But also, it could be a place where you could secrete or hide drugs.

This is the mayor.

That's unusual. Like, a pillow like this with a button is a perfect invitation to hide something. And I felt something bumpy. I will reach in, see what it is.

You guys have got to stop. You guys have to see this. I mean, it's just. That's unbelievable. Look at this. Wait, where's the cocaine at?

High cocaine. You can look in the jewelry box. Hold on. I like it more than just bookcases.

This is like black clue.

Call me fucking Colonel Musk.

Look behind this picture of your cousin. What's that, an eight ball? Some suppositories. He's like, oh, look in this baby doll. What's in there? A shank? A picture of Andy Dufrane.

It's a good kid. I mean, he's got guns and a printer.

Yeah. Oh, it's a nice room. Yeah, it's like. Oh, look under that Nintendo switch. Oh, what's that? Bam. It's a twelve gage and some tramadol now and later.

You got a lot of guns.

That's pretty awesome, man.

He's a guy. I like him.

Who?

Eric Adams.

Eric Adams? Yeah.

He seems funny. Yeah, seems good.

Yeah, I think he obviously seems down earth. He's willing to do, you know, because that seemed like it could be like a sketch.

You think, where's that from?

No, that's real. It feels like Reno island. That's real.

That's old, though. I don't know how that has to be old. There's no way. New York.

It was tweeted out, like, this week and that's why it got around.

I don't mean to punch holes in it because if that just came out. That looks like it's from 20 years ago. It looks like that was.

Yeah. Check your son's invisalign case. He may be hiding shotgun shells or just bullets. Bullets? Yeah. Look behind that autograph picture of Katy Perry. Oh, what's that? That's a gatling gun and some. Oh, you think it's just your child's retainer case, but open it up and bam, it's an indentured servant and some quails.

That is good for. Yeah. Honky parents need to be doing this also.

What do you mean?

Like, just, you need to find. They need to find the weapons.

Yeah. Did your parents ever check your. I'm trying to think of my mom. My mom came in one time and I remember I was touching myself. Right. Big surprise. And she's like, what are you doing? That's what.

She shamed you.

Yeah. She's like, what are you doing? And I was kind of sitting on the bed. It was almost like very. Almost as if, like in the 18 hundreds, you'd wandered upon a guy who was like a jester traveling in the woods, and he'd taken off his suit and he's jerking off by the riverbank or whatever, and she's like, what are you doing? And I was like, get out. And so then she closed the door, right? She waited like 2 seconds, right? I continued masturbating. She came right back in.

Dude, I had a hotel guy do this to me, like, a couple months ago.

No way. Really?

I was in Indianapolis. A fucking indian man walked straight in the room while I was jacking off.

A real indian guy. Wow.

No, from India.

Oh, yeah.

Yes.

Oh, yeah. Hotel. Yeah, definitely. The guy at the front stood there for.

Yeah, he stood there for a while.

Yeah.

And I was like, yo, you got to get out of here. And then he stood outside the door, waited like 15 seconds and knocked.

Oh, wow.

I started jacking off as soon as he left again. I was jerking off again. I hear a fucking knock. I was like, dude, get the fuck out of here. What are you doing?

The crazy part is imagine you walk over there with your wiener still in your hand and look through that little peephole.

Who's somebody else? Someone different than the guy I just screamed at with my cock in my hand. I was naked, laying on top of the maid bed. I didn't even get under the covers. It was right when I checked in.

Oh, that's sad.

I just stripped down and went straight to it.

You did?

Yeah.

What is it that makes us do that?

Hotel rooms.

It's almost like some birds, after they've flown for a long way, they'll, like, vomit, right? When they land. It's like a seagull or something. Yeah. You know, some birds can fly almost 1100 miles before they land, right. But there's some. Right. When they vomit, they land. Will you look that up? Yeah.

I see defensive vomiting that turkey vultures do. I don't know about when they land.

Defensive vomiting.

There's a Phillies fan, defensive vomited on a kid one time at a game. Yeah, the guy in front of him was talking shit and he puked on his son during the baseball game. That guy's a turkey ball?

Yeah. That's a cracker barrel baptism right there.

Got puked on at a baseball game because your drunk dad with one fucking lens and his glasses was mouthing off.

There's way too many fights at these games these days. Or do you think we're just recording them now? That's what it is.

I don't know.

There's always been that many fights.

There has always been that many fights. But it's so easy to get in a fight at a sporting event. Yeah, because you want your team to win so bad. And then there's a guy next to you, like, clapping hard for the other team.

Well, people also. Yeah, that's true.

I hate him. I can't control this game, but I can fuck that guy up.

Oh, it's a good point. I might be losing by 30 out there, but right here, this is going.

To be a moral victory. I'm going to get arrested after the loss.

Yeah, I'm going to vomit on this guy's fat son.

Vomiting on a kid is so funny. Well, just be like, this game's not going well.

There's no video.

Is that the kid?

That's the guy who did it. It's from 2010.

Dude, he does have one lens. I knew it.

Matthew. Yeah, he does.

One lens.

He has one lens. Matthew Clemens, Phillies fan. Vomit. Vomit man.

I guess he threw up on a cop and a kid.

Wow.

He's on a spree.

Yeah, it says right there what Philadelphia Phillies fan Matthew Clemens did was enough to make himself sick. And us, too, for that matter. But at least now he admits it. Wow. Good friend. We should call him sometime. The 21 year old Cherry Hill, New Jersey. And I've been there. Made love to a native american woman there, which is crazy because you were just talking about that. I forgot about that. The hotel was under renovations and it was crazy. I think she thought I was bringing her to some crazy place or something because it was all that pumped. There was a door, viscoin, hanging everywhere. I don't even think people should have been staying there. Like, you didn't even have a door. It was just like Visqueen. You had to hold your car key up to the visqueen and just make like a sound and then go, let me see. Clemens pleaded guilty to simple assault and other charges. Tuesday, May 25. Intentionally vomiting on a man, a police officer, and his eleven year old daughter. Wow.

So it was a police officer at the game. He wasn't like, getting arrested.

Wonder how much time they gave him. Crime cider is offering to buy vomit man a satellite dish to discourage him from going to any more games. A satellite dish.

He's going to be bumped. Vomit man getting hold of a satellite dish.

Let me buy you something from the past.

He got 30 to 90 days in jail and two years of probation.

Oh, did he? Wow.

Damn.

Also, quick update. The Eric Adams video was from 2011, when he's a senator. It went reviral, still a senator.

Doing that is KFC posted it on Barstool.

Yeah. Check inside of your son's baseball bat, man. He could be hiding a couple of vikings in there. It's fucking ridiculous. Look under your little daughter's pillow. She could have some hookers, escorts under there.

Check under the bed. Whore under there.

You think that's a boogeyman under your son's bed? That's some boogie pussy. That's a whore. That's an escort right there.

The khakis are so nice in that video. Khakis and a blazer. There could be bullets in there.

Oh, you think that's a stuffed ludicrous doll, but open up its back and boom. What do you got? A butt balloon of crystal and a couple of narcan chewables. What were we talking about, dude?

Vomit, man.

Oh, yeah. You moved here.

I did, yeah.

You moved here since we last talked to you.

Yeah.

You made a big move because you moved from New York.

Yeah.

Wow. And was there a part of you that was kind of scared? What were you thinking? Because, I mean, I've thought about. And. And a lot of people have done know.

No, I'd come down here a lot know, do Rogan's podcast, do podcasts down here, do comedy. So I've been down here enough. So I wasn't worried about living here. I was worried about comics being, ah, pussy. He left New York. He's trying to suck Rogan's dick. That was like. I was like, that's going to happen. I know that. No, I was excited. Matt was excited about it. So I knew I had Matt coming down with me, and then we brought our other friends and it's.

I, uh.

And taxes are.

Oh, yeah.

Butt fuck New York, dude.

Yeah, it's crazy.

It's great.

Yeah. And. Oh, what's that in your daughter's bedroom? What's that in a pillowcase? Oh, that's extra taxes.

That's what?

That's taxes and a couple of somas, bro.

A lot of taxes up there.

Oh, it's crazy. It's an extra, I think, 14%. What's the state tax rate in New York City? Right up there. Zachary?

I think it's ten point.

Oh, he's guessing. What is it?

No, I'm not guessing.

I got right here.

4% to 10.9%. You see here.

Wow. Because Los Angeles is 13, I think, percent.

Yeah, I was hovering around that 4% range for a while when I lived in New York.

And then you probably moved up into at least that 6.85%.

Yes.

Dude, so that's kind of crazy. I think some people say that. They're like, oh, do you want to move there because Rogan's there, because Dylan's there. It seems like the new thing. And I think, yeah, I don't know if I had some fear. I don't know if I had fear of that. You definitely think, oh, people think you're just riding that. But also, he's like, I would say.

If I was still in New York, somebody else moved here, I'd be like, fucking pussy couldn't take it. I'd do the same thing.

Yeah, come back and pay these high taxes.

Pay these fucking taxes. Live in a shithole in New York. Yeah. But, no, I just wanted to move to a place where you could do stand up during the week. And forever it was just New York and LA. That's true. Now you can do it in Nashville and Austin.

Does it feel well, Nashville? You cannot.

Oh, really?

Yeah, you cannot. It's not the same. I'll say that 100%. It is not the same as what it feels like here. Like, even just going over to the mothership, it's like, you can do three sets in a.

You can do. You can do four every single time. There's usually two shows in the small room, two in the main room. You do four sets a night. Yeah.

Four sets a night in the same building that you can go do. I mean, that's unprecedented.

What's nice is watching McCusker because he was in Philly where you can't do that. And now he's been living here just a few months, and he's gotten so good.

Really?

Just from doing. Yeah, he can do it every night.

Yeah, I met him last night. Yeah, I met him at your podcast. I met his wife, too. Brittany is her got. He gets a beautiful little wife.

Yeah, she's great.

Yeah, dude. I think having that much ability to get up is. It starts to change. You're like, oh, I just practiced it. It didn't go in there. Let me try it again. You're like, right there.

Get the bomb. Four times.

Yeah.

Take it on the road and be like, I'm not going to change anything. Fuck. It's still not working.

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I just had a lady, a real estate lady. I was like, I just need a house that's furnished because I don't have anything.

Yeah.

So first house she picked out, I was like, that's it.

Oh, yeah.

And I didn't see it until I moved in. It was nice. Yeah, I moved in. I was like, it's fucking nice.

Oh, it's like that show where you meet your wife the first time.

Like indians.

Yeah. That's crazy, dude, bro. Because here's the craziest part about that. Getting married. Like that is what if, you know, your parents are fucking lames, dude? Like, they've been picking shit out for you for Christmas every year, and they pick out, like, horrible shit.

I don't know. There's also the forced marriage is kind of nice, though, because if I fuck like an ugly chick, I'm like, damn, people are going to find out about this, you know what I mean? Right now if it's just like, dude, I had to. You know what I mean? It's like my parents made me fuck this chick forever. I don't care if it's girls or girl.

I got it.

It's like being on a desert island.

Oh, I got to tell people next time. What's that?

I'm saying, like, if you're stuck on a desert island, you're going to fuck. It's like, this is who I'm with. I have to. There's no judgment here. Oh, yeah, we're like Epstein's island. Yeah, if you're on island, whatever. My bad.

No, I think, look, let's talk about it. If you're on an island, you have to fuck and there's a lot of young people running around.

You're the only adult. What are you going to do? Come on, man.

This way. You need to check through your child. Check through your child's coloring book. Easily in there. They could have a couple of ninja stars and a bear trap. That guy's out of his fucking mind.

Good stuff.

Yeah. Dude, what were we talking about was the islands. Yeah, we were talking about you buying a house. Brave.

The thing I was most worried about was the television because I thought they were going to hit me with, like, the Airbnb pictures. You get there and you're like, oh, fuck, this house sucks. Tv's big, right? So I'm good.

Oh, that's good.

We're set. Thank God it's furnished or I would have never, I'd never furnish it.

Really? Yeah.

I'd have one folding chair in front of the.

Yeah, yeah, my house was furnished when I got my. Thank God. And. And then who told me? Oh, Tom Segura told me in this room, he said, hey, man, you got to start getting some art for yourself. You have to get something you like because it really does start to change the way that you think about your own.

Tom's becoming like the Jay Z of stand up. You gotta invest in art.

Yeah, he's got art, he's got sneakers, he's got Yamara. What? The car is called the fastest one.

McLaren.

McLaren. Is that it? Yeah. That's wild to me. I think I would be scared to be, like, real rich. I wouldn't know how to do it.

I bet you're all right.

I'm okay having more money for sure, but I think if I tried to be real rich. I just don't know how I would. I don't know what I would spend money on. Would you get a super fast car?

No, I'm afraid to drive fast.

Yeah, I think, yeah, I just don't know what I would get. Probably guns. Probably a couple.

You got to get guns?

Yeah, a couple for your neighbors. Couple for you.

Give them out.

Yeah, you don't want to shoot at your neighbors. They don't have anything.

Hide them in your kids room. Your neighbor's kids room. Start fucking planting guns.

Oh, damn. What's this behind this child's bathing suit right there?

It's an AR 15. You think that's the most dangerous gun in the world?

You think that's a water weapon? That's an AR 15 right there with some blood on it.

No, I understand Tom, though. He's doing it. He's got money. Why should he knows how to spend it?

Yeah, I just wonder what. Yeah, I guess I hadn't really thought about what I would buy. Like, if I bought myself something nice. Have you started to think. I mean. Well, you got yourself a house.

Yeah, I rented it. Yeah, I didn't buy.

Yeah, but that's nice.

Yeah, that's nice.

I don't know, hot air balloon or something. Cool.

I don't know what I would be fucking nice. Those are scary, though. I'd rather go fast and get one of those.

Yeah. But if you really master the art of it, I got a buddy that used to fly one, and he could fucking. That bitch would show the fuck up.

Hold on. You ever see these things crash? They come down on power lines and shit. It's so funny.

Yeah. If you don't know what you're doing. Yeah, I think you got to get one of those, D. Yeah. Pull up some crashes. You got to pull up a crashes. And some of them run on diesel.

I think they catch fire, too. Yeah, it's scary.

What's that in your four year old's bedroom? A hot air balloon.

Coming in hot.

Some guy and his son. Hang on, hang on. Hang on, Tater.

Fucking balloon crash. The wind picked up.

Sometimes if people have a really thick sun, their nickname is always, like, a starchy food. You ever notice that?

Yeah.

Come on, Tater.

Tater, get it done.

Cake pop. Yeah, get in there. Pancake batter. They'll call them.

It's my son. Pancake batter. Come on, batter. Get in the truck, dude.

We're going to fly. Balloon. Hang on, cake pop. Hang on, cake pop. Cake pop. No. And you know, one of their family members definitely shot that bitch down in the distance, dude.

That's also a risk, dude. Anyone could shoot you down anonymously. You can take those things out. You'll never get caught.

Yeah, pull that up, man. Anonymously. Shoots down hot air balloons. Watches, like, 2000 videos of that.

Get a confederate flag air balloon.

That'd be cool.

Yeah, let it fly. Get a target.

Go tough.

Go tough on them. See who wants to shoot it down.

Dude? Fly it past the bayou class.

Get them fired up.

But, dude, I will say this. If you hang one speaker out of it playing do the stanky leg, everybody will let it go by. People will be like, oh, all right.

Oh, there we go. Civil war. Yeah, they had them.

Yeah. What were the hot air balloons used during the Civil War for?

They would just use it. Surveillance. Oh, it's like a spy plane. I think Napoleon used them first.

Really?

Maybe not first, but he was using them.

It's like bums with drones. Like we were talking about.

Scare the fuck out of you. If the other side had that.

Both the Union and Confederacy used hot air balloons for reconnaissance to help determine the location of troops and artillery. This innovation in aerial warfare was a trailblazer for its time, as it took place 42 years before the invention of the airplane. Wow. But, dude, imagine that bitch starts going down near the enemy.

Can't turn it.

Hang on, hold on. Cake pop.

Cake pop.

No, dude. That kind of shit is just fucking heartbreaking.

Yeah, hot air balloons. You don't want one of those, but.

Imagine you run out.

Have you ever been in one?

Yeah, I've been in one.

Really?

Yeah, I've been in one. I was with my buddy's dad when we were kids. He, like, proposed to this lady in one dude. With the kids? Yeah. And she said no. And so then we're like, well, what the fuck?

That's a tough rest of the trip.

Yeah. And we were trying not to act excited because we're in there, because we could tell he was bummed out.

It's tough to be bummed out on the ledge of a hot air, but looking away from them, trying to be sad.

Oh, it was sad, dude. And that guy's always. He's been sad since then. There's a lot of videos of him online, and he's always listening to that song. There goes my hero. Watch him as he goes.

Just seeing his old self. That's the man I used to be.

Yeah. Tiffany was his girlfriend's name. And she was like, I don't think so. That's how she said it. We're like, what the fuck? And it was like 70 more minutes we had to spend up there.

Yeah.

Because the tour guide, I think he didn't really know what was going on, so he just kept giving us the tour of like.

No.

Yeah, it's shit like that that just makes you wonder what.

Yeah, I think that fucks people up. Like, when you're supposed to be cool, like a hot air balloon or like that kid jumping off the fucking cruise ship, having something that was supposed to be fun and good get horribly ruined.

Yeah, that kid was from Baton Rouge, Louisiana. I don't know if we talked about that last time we're together, but maybe that kid was a good topic. He was just partying and he jumped off.

Check this shit out.

Yeah, but the craziest is people were like, that's a shark. There's like one little piece of water and it just looks like some white and, like, definite shark. People make comments like that online. Oh, that would have been crazy.

He would be quick. For a shark to munch him that quick. I feel like they take their time. Right?

Well, also the ods of shark is going to be right there at that moment.

I do think sharks follow cruise ships. Search called off.

Oh, that's the toughest.

Yeah.

Oh, my fucking God.

Saying bye bye to him.

Oh, that's the worst.

You gotta regret that, you know, dude.

Something like that happened to me, man. It was when we had a guy who fell on a basketball court and died when we were kids. And when he fell, I yelled out like, Reggie Lewis, remember? There was that guy Reggie Lewis that had died.

No.

Reggie Lewis. Look him up if you can. Reggie Lewis. That's him right there. Reginald C. Lewis was an american professional basketball player for the NBA Boston Celtics. That was it. Beautiful, man. Right there. And he collapsed on the court.

There was another guy that did that, too.

That was like a. I think it was BJ Armstrong.

Maybe he's real.

Kente Johnson.

No, no, don't just name a black. Yeah, but it happens to people. But, yeah, this happened to him. And so we thought this guy just falled down as tripped. And so I remember yelling that out, Reggie Lewis. And then they tried to revive him and he died. Oh, no, I didn't jinx him. That's insane to say that jinxed him.

Dude, I can't believe you put that on him.

I didn't jinx him. Look up if I jinxed him or not.

I don't think he jinxed him.

Yeah. That's heartbreaking, though.

I'm sorry. That I did that.

Have you felt good about moving here now? Once you moved here, was it kind of, like, different or was it different than you thought? What are some things that were kind of cool about it?

I don't know when you move. I was sad for like a week.

Oh, really?

Yeah, I was by myself. It was scary. I was used to having fucking. I was used to living in apartments. I lived in Philly and New York the last decade, so I was like, there's usually somebody around now. I was out there by myself. I got scared for a while. I was scared. Really get scared at night noises?

Yeah. You think it's a noise and you see you farted.

Just waking myself up with farts.

Fuck was that?

Yeah, I mean, I was scared for a while.

Yeah.

I was emotional. I would cry during movies when I was at night by myself.

Oh, yeah.

So that's what you have to look forward to. Scary. And you cry.

I think that's just part of the american condition these days then. Oh, you're fine then.

Yeah. That was all.

Yeah, because I don't know if I thought Nashville would be a busier comedy scene. I didn't think that, because they just have one club. It's like a functioning club there. Right? It's like they have a headliner, flies in every weekend. So they help you as much as they can, but they just don't have as much space. And then there's not as many other rooms around the area, but here it's like, yeah, it feels like you could go like, we met a guy last night. He'd done like five know.

Yeah, you can do that here.

It's like, wow.

Yeah.

I mean, that's crazy to think you could do that in a city. There was never maybe Chicago you could.

Do that in, maybe, I don't know, New York. Obviously you can.

Yeah, la definitely.

Those are the two.

Yeah.

But. I don't know. But yeah, you can do it if you.

Yeah.

Yeah.

All right, this is going well.

This is going well. What else we got? I'm trying to think of other horrible deaths I can think of.

Oh, dude, what about that? There was something I was looking at the other day. It was. Pull up that. What's that death page on Twitter where they have a lot of deaths on there. It's an animal. I might have even sent it to you the other day.

Oh, history photographs. We were looking at this picture back in the day. They had to hang an elephant.

Oh, there you go. To street, the capital. Just to look at the judicial system in the world, right? So this elephant. Right? The hanging of Mary the elephant, also known as murderous Mary. I guess a bad elephant was publicly executed for killing her handler in 1916. It was meant to be a warning to other criminal elephants. So there goes. So it just. You got to think the judicial abilities of human beings always, why? But I guess if you're another elephant, you got to be, like.

Going on here.

Yeah. These motherfuckers being business, could.

I mean, the idea, though, the guy who was like, fucking hang that motherfucker, everyone else would probably fucking shoot it in the head behind closed doors. We'll be done with this elephant behind.

A huge closed door.

We got to make an example of this fucking elephant.

Yeah, not this bitch. Murderous Mary. Not this bitch. Have you seen what she's fucking doing?

She probably did some pretty crazy shit.

Yeah, this bitch drank 200 gallons of fucking water.

I had a friend who's a friend of their mother's, was, like, a big elephant advocate. She was a rich lady, so she was like, save the elephant.

Oh, yeah, rich people do that.

That was her cause.

And then she hate them. So they save rare animals.

So then she was like, all right, she went to Africa, like, her first trip to meet the elephants, and one of them fucking killed her, dude. And they don't. I don't think people notice about elephants. They don't kill you. It's not fun. They ground you. They use their face and fucking mush you into the ground.

Oh, yeah. It's like, when you see people do, like, those stone ground into the flour and stuff. Yeah, like they're artisan chefs. Elephants are.

They are. They'll grind you up.

Oh, that's heartbreaking. Elephant kills woman.

This is a different one, but, yes, this is also.

Hold on.

This is awesome.

Is elephant a euphemism for somebody? Because. Let's go back and read this. Elephant kills woman and returns to her funeral. Elephant kills woman and returns to her funeral to attack her corpse. Wow. Odisha, India. Bizarre animal stories are heard often. Maya Murmu was collecting water in Raipai village, located in the mayan Bahanj district of Odisha, India, when a herd of elephants came her way. She tried to flee, but one of them rushed her. Oh, that's heartbreaking, man. Let me see. At the ceremony was taking place, the Times Vinny reported that a herd of elephants appeared from the forest, sending villagers running. They left Murmu's body behind. Wow.

She had a liquid death.

One of the elephants then reportedly attacked the woman's court by picking up the body and throwing it in the air. Wow. Thankfully, there's a video.

Should I play it?

Yeah.

I don't know. Let's take a vote in the room. All right. Everybody said yes.

I didn't want to do it. Oh, man.

Oh, this is just aftermath.

I don't think they were.

That'd be the worst. I think if element came into your house.

Yeah. Be up there.

Because even if you go in another room, it can just come right in there, use the door. That'd be so hectic, man.

I mean, especially, like, at your mom's funeral.

Yeah.

There's that motherfucker that did it. He's come back to fuck everybody else up, too.

You think you could do a big crime like that? Do a big murder?

I don't think I could murder. I don't think.

Well, now you think it's just an empty bottle of prime on your child's windowsill. Well, open it up and bam. There's some homemade lean topped off with a little mini cachet of nerve gas.

Who was that for?

Who's fucking was that? Hunter Biden's room. That's crazy.

Yeah, that actually was.

What's this here? That's a my little pony. No, that's a my little fentanyl stash. What else can we talk about, dude?

I don't know. That's about as good as it gets, though. Hot air balloons.

Yeah.

Fucking elephants.

But if you could do a murder or not, man. Yeah, I know. God wouldn't want me to do it. That would be the thing.

Yeah.

He would be like, don't do it, buddy. And I would be like, I'm not going to. And then I would maybe sneak.

I swear I'm not going to do it under the table. So God can't see. Little greedo, Han Solo.

They should have tables that are like, God resistant or whatever. Like, whatever happens under here.

Yeah.

I remember a girl let me feel her back one time at the library. And we're kind of horny children, or whatever. Yeah, I guess she didn't want me touching her breast. Whatever. And I think maybe I didn't even know what was going on, but back's good. She's like, you can feel on my back?

Back's real good.

And I'd extramam. We're just feeling her back.

I'm going to be a back man, now that you mention it.

Fucking nice, rubbing a Lady's back. It's one big, flat, long tip, that's all. Back. Yeah, let me get that flat.

Let me get small of the back. Put your hand there. Shit.

If you touched on the small of her back and her body, it felt Warmer there.

You're like.

It felt like she was baking cookies in her butt or something.

Yeah.

It felt always Warmer there. You know what I'm talking?

It is Warm. Yeah.

Like, whoa, what am I doing down here? I remember the first time a Girl let me touch a small of her back and had some hair on it, right. Because her dad was really tough and I was like, I don't care. I'll fucking pet this Girl.

Yeah, I don't mind.

I will pet this bitch. I'm in love.

Girls, sometimes girls have really hairy butts.

Really?

Yeah, I think naturally girls sometimes have. I think they have to work on that. Some of them get like, man's ass.

I don't think these are. You're getting tricked by some of that ass search, Girl.

Hairy ass Girl.

Yeah, bring something. You're going to see that we have blockers on a lot of our stuff, but if you can get around some of it, maybe on Twitter.

Are you allowed to show Hair?

I was looking for a picture, but read this top Reddit post.

My girlfriend has a lot of Hair in her ass. How do I approach? Great question. Let's review this. Do you have.

Is that her asshole is very hairy.

This is on ask women. By the way, the subreddit, if it.

Bothers you so much, you can't be with her because of it. You have to straight up tell her about it. Why is she getting all Ratchet suddenly? Somebody just reported. She's like, you got to straight up tell her about it, period.

Honey, your hairy asshole disturbs me.

Here's the actual post.

But I think my girlfriend is beautiful and she does a great job of manicuring her lady bits. The problem is that her asshole, and they wrote it like that, is very hairy. It's kind of a turn off when I'm down there. A few wouldn't bother me, but this is a lot more than a few. How did you all start taking care of your nether regions? Did you read about it in a magazine or you just do it naturally? How should I approach this topic with her without getting her upset?

Start getting those magazines, laying them around. Yeah, she's taking a hairy ass.

Shit.

You can leave one in the bathroom. Ew, dude. Hairy butt ladies. I know. It's starting to bother me again.

I don't know if I would mind a little hair, like on the hips probably. I just think the actual cheeks, if.

There were hair on them, crack, dude, not the cheeks. Like a man's, like an italian man's ax.

Like a fucking jewish sideburn down there.

Getting in her jewish tunnels. You see them coming out of.

Yeah, bring that up, dude.

Jews, it's better. They're getting some bad pr lately. This might be the worst one. A guy came out, I swear to God, I'm not being anti semitic. A jewish dude coming out of a store grate in New York.

Oh, yeah, there's a video of that, and it's a New York synagogue erupted in a chaos Monday night. Let's play a bit of it. All right.

That is tough to address, though. I know we're moving on to Jews and tunnels, but let's finish out.

Then we'll go to this. Because some people, they make hair on their bodies to survive cold weather. Can you look that up, Zach, you know what I'm talking about?

Yeah, I think that's what air is for.

Yeah. So sometimes you don't want to have a wife that can't survive. If you don't want to put the AC at 60, it's always cold.

Yeah.

You don't want to put the AC at 64 one night, and then she's fucking dead in the morning.

It's a good trade off. Would you accept your girl to never fucking complain about being cold, but she has to have a hairy ass or she complains every single fucking day.

Now, what if it were like, stuffed animal hair? That would be kind of fun.

That would be nice. That I agree with, but I'm telling you, I've seen videos. These girls have fucking italian man's ass.

Like, long hair.

Like, fucking dude. It looks like a dude's Ass.

Pull up something.

Oh, no.

Oh, my God.

Well, that's more than I've ever seen, but.

Oh, wow. That's a lot. You can't see this video on the audio, but there's just a black girl watching it with her mouth open.

The same face we're all making.

Yeah.

Oh, my God. All right. Holy shit. Wow. I'm telling you, dude, they have greek man's ass.

Wow. And who has the most hair on their ass? Is it.

I haven't found a culture.

I would say, look that up. And what do you do? How do you approach that Mediterranean? How do you approach that with a woman?

I don't know how. I would never.

But you've obviously dealt with it. And south asian descent are reported have a relatively high amount of body hair. Mediterranean, middle eastern and south asian descent. Wow. Yeah, I think. God, I just. Because the crazy thing say, if you feel her down her butt, and then you feel some hair there. But you have to still be hopeful for. I just think, yeah, what do you do?

I don't know how to address it. My friend was talking to me about addressing his. He was afraid his girlfriend was gaining weight. And he was like. So I told her, and I was like, damn. I would let her get fat and then resent her and break up with her also. Who am I to criticize?

But I think a lot of people do that. A lot of people, even if they're not gaining weight or whatever. I think I stayed with a girl just because I hated her so much once. I was like, well, if I let.

You go, you might find happiness. I'm going to fucking make sure you're miserable too.

Isn't that horrible? And I feel horrible about that, but I was young and I was just that kind of fuck. I didn't know how to operate or be a decent human at all. But, yeah, pull up that ass again, buddy. Oh, yeah.

It'S the other cheek that gets you, because that cheek's already almost done.

I love how one of the black girl's eyes keeps closing more as she watches more of it. That's crazy, man. God. Yeah. But then I bet here. Now I will say this, Shane, think about a long time ago. One, three hundreds, fours, or whenever early, right? And you get a woman and she has hair on her. Bet it feels good.

I bet it does feel good. That's good.

Now, if you're a fucking freak and you start petting it a little, some of it is how you approach it.

I could see that you're like, let.

Me pet this fucking little hair. Hair butt.

That's nice. Fucking twisting it up a little.

Hey, let me get a little. Let me yank it real hard, which isn't expected.

That's fun.

Yeah, that's fun. Dude. Dude, I got hair, like, on my legs and I've been running a lot, bro, and it starts to get tangled up and I'm like, what the heck? That's been pretty challenging. Do you wish you'd learned how to manage money in school? I do. God, I was keeping up my money and my dang underpant drawer and all of that. I forgot to cash checks. I knew I had to cash them. And so I had dang 40 checks. And the pizza place I worked at went out of business and I lost a lot of that money. But it's hard. It's hard if you don't know about money, building credit and that sort of thing. Well, I can tell you that the build card from current will make banking and crediting a lot easier. When you get the build card from current, you can build credit safely while you bank. That's right. It's a secured credit card that lets you use your own money to build credit. Yeah, they've got one coming to me, this build card from current, so I'm excited to check that out. You can sign up in less than two minutes to get started today and use code Theo to get $50.

When you set up a qualifying $200 direct deposit at sign in, just go to current Theo or download the app today. Terms apply. That's current. Current. T-H-E-O. Current is a financial technology company, not a bank. Banking service. Provided by Choice Financial Group, member FDIC and Crossriver bank member FDiC. For full terms and conditions, visit current.com or call 88885 111 72 for more information. Today's episode is brought to you by better help, a new year and a new beginning. People say that kind of stuff a lot. Sometimes you need a new beginning with yourself. Sometimes I find my relationship with myself has gotten kind of stale. I don't investigate it, I don't look at it, and I don't really kind of aim to fix some of the things that I know could help me, help me feel better, really. Betterhelp is an opportunity to take a better look at yourself via therapy. If you're thinking of starting therapy, give betterhelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. Just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapists at any time for no additional charge.

And if you're not getting something out of your therapy, then I recommend trying the switch therapist. You can always go back. It's something that I wish I had done sometimes, and I didn't. Celebrate the progress you've already made by visiting betterhelp.com theo today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp.com theo. But yeah, bring up those Jews again, man. What were they doing?

Yeah, so I guess NYPD on Monday busted, like, a secret meeting. I guess they had been building secret tunnels.

Through what, the financial system?

I mean, this is worst case for the jewish people. Not really, not worse, but not even the worst thing in the last few, but all right.

This is crazy, man.

They do get after it.

Oh, they're crazy. Look at this one, dude.

They get after it.

This one that popped out of the floor right there, popping out of nowhere and he's biggie walls. Look at that, dude.

Don't flip the pews, brothers.

It's just hectic, man.

Do you see how fucking comfortable that guy was walking the plank?

Yeah, bro.

These people, they were fine with this.

This is an orthodox jewish group, man. This incident. Let me read the article. So the incident began Monday afternoon after a cement truck was sent to the Chabad Lubavitch world headquarters, known as the 770, due to its address in Crown Heights. According to Col Live, the truck was ordered to fill up an underground tunnel that had run from the main synagogue to a now closed building next door, the outlet reported. First reports of the tunnel surfaced in late 2023 after a homeowner had called authorities about a suspicious noises in his neighborhood. And that's dredling, isn't it?

I think of hearing noises under your house.

Jewish guys, it's just somebody listening to modest Yahoo.

What's going on? You can't tell anyone. You can't be like, dude, I swear to God, there's jews under my fucking house, dude. I know there's jews down there. No one's going to believe you.

Yeah, they're like, dude, you need to.

Put down the fucking Internet. Jews aren't everywhere like that.

You mean underwriting your mortgage or. What are you talking about?

No, they're fucking in there. I hear them. They whisper.

However, following excavation of a trench for the project, simultaneously, a construction project was in progress to install new plumbing in the 770. However, following excavation, the underground tunnel had been discovered. The tunnel had reportedly been worked on during nights for an unknown amount of time, stretching the tunnel to a next door building, women's section.

That's nice.

Yeah.

Meet me in the fucking tunnel, babe. That's good.

That's crazy, dude. And that's orthodox Jew. Is that orthodox jewish people?

It appears so, yeah.

Those people are wild, man. We had a garbage man on right from New York, and he said the worst people that he came across were orthodox jewish people.

Dude, New York.

He said the kids would come out and tell him to just go fuck himself and flip him off.

Dude, look at them getting rowdy with the. They were getting rowdy during COVID I think I heard maybe those tunnels were so they could continue to go to synagogue during COVID They locked that down, right? That's what the media is saying.

Well, that the media, we mean them.

Here's the guy coming out of the great.

Look, the guy coming out of the grate is one of the most anti semitic things I've ever seen in my life, dude.

Oh, wow. Where is this guy going, dude? To get a rebate. That's insane.

Coming out of the great bro.

They started pepper spraying them, and pepper spray is not kosher, I don't think. Look it up.

There's going to be some lawsuits.

But no, we had a garbage man, and he said that for some reason, those people were like kind of the coldest to him. What did he say, zach?

He mentioned that the kids would fuck with his truck and he hated going there. That was the main thing. And he also just said they were rude and also was the new year. They throw all their shit out every year.

Oh, yeah, that was part of it too, I think. So there's probably some anger from him because they had to pick up so much stuff, like they do like a cleansing.

I guess it's part of tradition to reset everything and when the new year, throw everything out and buy new. So that day of the year, they said they would just go up and down the same street.

Goes against some stereotypes.

Yeah, that's true. Yeah. Getting all new stuff, man. But they had a group in, I don't know if it was in New York, it was like orthodox jewish people. They would move into a neighborhood, bring the value of the neighborhood down, and then buy up the other places and then bring it back up. There was some law. Again, it was like a lawsuit that they made or something. Anyway.

It'S a touchy subject, but there's no denying that there's tunnels. That is funny.

Oh, yeah.

There's nothing we can do about. We're not trying to be, oh, I.

Don'T think we're being bad people or anything because these guys popped up out of a fucking tunnel. Anybody coming out of a tunnel, it was funny.

When fucking. Do you ever see the video of El Chapo escaping prison? It's great. Anybody going in and out of a tunnel is hilarious. He goes into a tunnel, like, behind a toilet. He just escapes.

Did you see the one? There's like some guy in his trailer, right? And a methad comes up through, just like, the vent in the floor that he has and is like, looking for something.

It's so startling.

And the guy's like, what in the fuck are you doing in here?

Somebody coming out. Coming out of the floor is fucking so scary because they're not going to come out, like, smiling. They're going to come out. Holy shit.

It's a bunch of fucking ninja turtles, dude. Oh, is this it?

Yeah, El Chapo. He's fine. The time is right. Super Mario is right out. He's gone, dude.

He's gone. Wow. Did he.

Got mexican? You got to make it mexican somehow. I don't know how to do it.

That's wild, dude. Bro, how fun would that be to break out of prison, though?

Awesome.

How would you do it? You think you're big?

No. Tunnels.

Yeah. You get stuck.

Yeah, I think I'm in there. I think I'm fucking stuck. I think I go to jail. I'm in jail. There's no getting out. Fuck, man. I can't get out. Laundry baskets. Too small.

Yeah, but, warden, your big boss man. You look like the big boss man. I mean, obviously you're going to play him in a biopic.

No, I think I'm in there. How are you getting out?

Damn.

God damn it. God damn it, dude.

And look, this goes back.

Don't you dare fade that, you cocktail.

Just zoom in on that big with the one you already have. That's biggest, please, if you don't mind, let's just get a gander at this fella. Oh, Shane, I get it. Get out there, bro. That's your hot air balloon of success right there. Jump on that thing.

Was that going the wrong way?

I do that all the time. If I'm feeling bad at the gym or at home. Mostly at home.

It's time. That was some brazilian barbershop. And they keep tagging me and shit. That kid was brazilian.

For those who don't know, Shane put like a. He saw this hand signal.

What is great, my friend Billy sent it to me, and then I sent it to Gabe Davis, who plays for the bills.

And it's just a hand signal on TikTok of a funny ass.

Just a chubby kid doing a funny. He was actually. I didn't realize it. It was a barbershop, so he was showing off his fade. That's what the next scene is. So the first scene is him going, and then it cuts to him with his new haircut. It was fun. Gabe Davis did it.

Yeah.

Shout out to the boy, Gabriel. But, yeah, it is a nice thing to do. It feels good.

What does? Just doing that.

First thoughts out.

So you hit up Gabe Davis and he says, okay, this is crazy. I'll do it. How many times did you hit up Gabe Davis? A lot. Okay.

I talked to him a lot, but I didn't think he was actually ever going to do it.

Going to do it?

Yeah.

And you said, you got to do this. It'll be good.

Yeah. And he was like, yeah, I'll do it. And I was like, I don't like, I figured the adrenaline of scoring a touchdown would.

He'd forget, take over.

Yeah. Especially that. That was a nice play. He remembered for me. Wow, what a sweet man, bro.

How good did you feel when he did this?

I was strange right here. I was so fucking happy. It's probably the happiest I've been in a long time.

Oh, definitely.

I jumped off my couch.

I was like, oh, you got a vomit on somebody's kid when that happened.

There's no kids around. I would have. I almost went to the tunnels down there and puked in the tunnels. Sprayed them out.

Yeah. What the fuck were those guys doing? Those tunnels?

It's New York, too. Everything's pretty close.

Probably just hunting square footage, dude, like, this could be another square feet. That's fucking crazy. But that had to be unbelievable, dude. I think there's just something crazy if you can have an influence on sports, because sports are such like this. Like, it just feels like such this. I guess every man wants to do it.

Yeah.

You give anything to be able to run and catch it, and you just can't.

There's no part of me that can do it.

Yeah. I wonder how I'd get out of prison, probably. First of all, I'd go in as a woman. People are like, you ain't no woman, bitch. That's what somebody saved me.

I was like, what? Chappelle did that?

Oh, you'd have to. Right out the gate. Right?

Chappelle does that. He's like, I'm going to go to jail as a woman. And he's like, first day. I'm like, give me that fruit cup, bitch. His act out of putting up fist up is so fucking funny.

But these days, you can't say, I guess you're not a know. Here's what I think they should do. And I thought about this a lot, especially, I don't understand why mixed martial arts doesn't start with a trans division.

Yeah, it'd be awesome.

Yeah. Because it's like, then you can champion these trans fighters. You can let them embrace and share what it's like, because otherwise you're just kind of hodgepodging them in. And then it's a lot of dudes, if they really want to go play ball, they're going to have to go play ball. You can't just simp over to the woman's side and be fucking bringing your hair butt over there to the fucking lady section. You got to actually, like, if they had a trans division, I feel like I would pay $4 extra a month to see the trans bouts. I feel like it'd be unprecedented.

It'd be fun.

Yeah.

I like to see them in the women's sports.

You do?

Yeah.

Some man in there.

Yeah. Just fucking shit up. Fucking great.

But here's what they should, though, on the tv, it should every now and then to say, have an arrow. Say, this is a man.

They need to start doing, like, Monday night Football intros for every female sport so you can. It's like, hi, I'm Mary. I went to UCLA.

Frank.

Purdue. That's the one there. No wonder he's got 48 points in the first half.

He's like, rick women's college of Design.

Wesleyan.

You're like, what? That is a hair butt.

That's a hair butt. People don't talk about that post game showers with the God.

See, that is a reason I think I would go experiment with transing or whatever, because you get to get in those showers, dude. But I bet in some of the.

Sports it's not that rewarding. I'm sure in some of the sports.

You think?

I think some of those female locker rooms, I wouldn't be too excited as much. Like, if I got into college volleyball, if I could trick my way into that, that'd be a good shower for them. I mean, for me, it would be. That's literally a nightmare. Me fucking naked in front of a college volleyball team is a nightmare.

But you'd have to get your breast pierced, probably to at least blend because some of those chicks are tough nowadays. And then you'd probably have to draw on a little more tit or use, like, a shadowing cream.

Tit side. I'd be okay. But having just a tiny cock in there would probably call it a long pussy. Now we're talking. And they're women. You could trick them.

Yeah, I guess he has a long pussy. Yeah, well, people have been tricking him for. It's like Emilia Earhart's husband. He bought her that plane. Do you know that?

No, he bought the plane.

A lot of people don't know.

So, yeah, I guess that makes sense.

What are we doing here? Oh, man. What else can we talk about, dude? Anything else in the news, Zach? Yeah.

You were talking about this earlier. You've brought this up before. Consumer reports found widespread presence of plastics in food.

Oh, yeah. Well, dude, that's what they said. They had that article, and we've talked about this before. This says the nonprofit consumer group said on Thursday that 84 out of 85 supermarket foods and fast foods it recently tested contain plasticizers known as phthalates. Phthalates?

Phthalates.

A chemical used to make plastic more durable.

I've heard phthalates a lot lately. Or phthalate, however you fucking say it.

Phthalates.

Yeah. I've heard people saying it a lot, but I never understood what it was.

Well, this is one of the issues that say it. Says phthalates and bicephenols can disrupt the production and regulation of estrogen and other hormones, potentially boosting the risk of birth defects, cancer, diabetes, infertility, neurodevelopment disorders, obesity, and other health problems.

Bastards got me, dude.

They got it, dude. No wonder they're running off through the tunnels, dude, they got, bro. But that's when you think about this, right? That the stuff that we're eating and if there's so much contamination, just like in the land, in the water, that's what's making people sick. What else? ADHD, genetic disorders, all kinds of stuff. Like Bobby Kennedy talks about that, about how many things are linked to know that. He thinks, anyway, we might have got.

In under the buzzer. You and me, we were the last. Now all the kids have it. Oh, we were right on the board. I think we both got something, but not the whole thing.

Everybody you meet has an autistic child now. Yeah. It's unbelievable.

Yeah.

And people have nicknames. This is our little ring cam, they call them or something because a lot of them are really perceptive, but they don't really say much. Yeah, that's unbelievable. But that's why I wanted to come out. Sometimes I think about what if we made like a product or something that we knew wouldn't have that in it? Like, what if we just said, hey, we want to sell you this water and we promise your kid will not have autism. We promise autism free water. Because as a country, we would like to say, at the very least, you deserve to have autism free water.

Now we're talking. Now that's a business. Although I do think we are going to need autistic kids. Oh, yeah. When the future is all just technology and we're going to cyber war with fucking China. We're going to want those guys.

Yeah.

We're going to need them. You know what I mean?

Oh, definitely. Yeah, I think. Well, a lot of the business is now run by people that some people say could have some of. There's a lot of speculation that Jeff Bezos has it.

Zuckerberg. Bezos. Musk.

Zuckerberg. Definitely. Yeah, Musk. Yeah. Certainly seems like he has some. Who else? Dude, Dennis Allen that coaches the saints. Who else?

Eric Adams has got it.

That guy definitely got it. Oh, you look. Peep through. Your child's lunchable. Oh, you think that's just a small stack of ham? No, look under there. That's a grandma. Methamphetamines. Like, damn, Eric.

It's a party in that kid's room.

Every time running a raid. That kid lives in Las Vegas, dude. Do you think about moving back from here? You think you're settled in? You're good?

I don't know. I don't think I'll live here forever, but, yeah, I like it here. Yeah. What?

That's just a big.

Yeah. I don't know. I'll probably move home to outside of Philly.

Wow.

Yeah, eventually.

Yeah.

I like it up there.

The brotherly city of brotherly.

It depends. Yeah. It depends how shitty things are in the next ten years.

Yeah. What do you think the next ten years of life is like in America? Do you think it gets bad?

I don't know. The bums. Somebody's got to fix this problem. I don't know what it is.

Which problem?

The bums, dude.

Oh, the bums.

There's a lot of bums.

Yeah. I say arm them. That's where I'm at. And send them all towards the big businesses. That's what I would do. Is that crazy? That's messed up.

No, give them guns. Tell them.

Not guns. I wouldn't say.

Well, even worse. Like machetes and shit. No, what type of arms?

Something. If they're well behaved, it turns into a weapon. So like. Yeah, like a bow staff that has maybe a blade on the end, but they have to put both hands on it and it can tell if you're being good or not.

Test your heart rate. If it's too high, you're not getting it.

Yeah. You need low heart rate warriors. I don't like using the term bumps. Okay? I like using the term boots on the ground.

Those are boots on the ground.

Heroes of society and stepdads.

Yes. So you're talking giving ninja turtle weapons to homeless guys to see what happens?

Oh, I'm talking give them the fucking. The donatello. What's it called? A rag for your eyes. Like a thing that holds your eyes in, but it doesn't.

It's like a Zoro mask.

Yeah, Zoro mask. That would be good. And lead them. They're going to need leaders. You could do it.

You think I could lead the bumps?

Yeah. Get you a horse.

Horse would be. They would respect a horse. They're like fucking the Aztecs. Just a guy on a horse. They'd be like, this guy, he's a God.

Somebody rolls up on a horse. Yeah, definitely. Yeah. I'm just.

They are impervious to a lot of fucking damage.

Horses.

No, horses.

Homeless people.

Homeless people. Yeah. They get fucking walked through tasers.

Well, they've been infected by so much. They battled so many things. We got tased after a show in Shreveport. And here's the crazy part. I started doing comedy in Louisiana, and so we go to sometimes Shreveport, and afterwards, this was 15 years ago, they'd say, hey, man, we'll tase you if you want. The cops would come up and tase people in the bar because there's just not a lot of nightlife. So here I am, 15 years later, shows over. We're sitting around with a couple of officers, and one of them goes with a couple of off duty police people. And one of them goes, hey, man, we'll tase you if you want. And I was like, no fucking way. You guys are still doing that shit. And they lit us all up. We got it together as a group and locked arms or whatever, like a Harvey milk kind of thing, and then they lit us up.

How'd it feel? Did it hurt?

You know, it's not as bad as you would think, really, at all? At all. It's definitely a little bit of a surprise.

I feel weird.

It feels like somebody in the fucking, like, great beyond pressed a fucking doorbell that you didn't know was connected to you.

Yeah. It's actually really.

But the pain is. It's not as painful. It's just as surprising as could be. It's like, extremely surprising.

They can go through the tasers. They can go through a lot.

Well, they're immune to a lot of disease. Yeah, well, at a certain point, that would be a lot of society, too. We'd all be out there, just, I don't know. You'd be immune to all the things because you are still alive on the streets and you'd want to probably strike back against the do when we do this. Okay, where do we meet up? That's a question I want to know, and that's a big question.

Trying to think of good. There's good cities for this. Austin's a very good city.

Where do you meet up for the revolution?

The mothership, dude. 6th street.

Perfect. Half of our military would overdose.

I know.

Okay. On fucking fireball before we even made it to the first 5G tower. Okay.

Yeah. There's going to be some attrition. There's going to be some guys going AWol. It's going to be tough keeping the troops together.

Dude, I wouldn't call a guy who wants to sing karaoke all night somebody.

Going, we're going to 6th street. We're taking that out. The bums rising up on 6th.

Okay, now if we take 6th street out, that would be. Now that I like.

Yeah.

And you're going to recruit a lot of talented young people. You could probably get some of the Texas Longhorns, maybe.

Oh, that'd be good.

Yeah. Quinn Ewers, he's staying another year. He joined probably.

I thought we were just recruiting homeless.

People, but I think other people are going to get jealous when they start to see you doing well. They're like, oh, fuck, I'll do it.

The masks and the swords and shit.

Yeah, because Sigep is going to be nothing against a fucking homeless battalion.

Sigep might be number one. We might go down frat row. I don't want the boys getting into a sorority. I will say no sorority. I'll command them. I'll say, leave the queens alone.

Yeah, leave the white queens alone. Now, if you want to get into some of these young fellas, rock these boys. That's up to you, dude. If you want to get into some fucking Sigma alpha. Epstein over here and see what these fellas are doing.

The bomb RV is going to be.

Tough to control, but I don't think control is the one.

I know, but they're going to get loose, dude. They're going to fucking every victory. They're going to rape everybody, dude. But they're fucking turn on each other right away.

No, they won't change.

Yes, they will, dude.

No, they won't. I've seen them support each other. I saw a bum living in a sofa, like, in the cushion in the bottom part, and I saw a guy come and tuck him into bed one night in the park near my house. You don't see that in America anymore, dude. They had some bums by us because we live right by a park, and they stole a bunch of high school music equipment, I guess. So all night they would be in the fucking park. I guess someone stole the sheet music, too, right?

That's so nice.

03:00 a.m. And you hear somebody on a flute just playing. It's like, love the way you lie by, like, Eminem and Rihanna, and people.

Are like, shut the fuck up. That's a jam sesh marching band. Good night.

It's fucking sick. But. So, dude. Okay, so you say you meet up at the comedy Mothership.

I'm saying that, yeah, I think that's a good location. Okay, that's one somewhere on 6th street.

Okay, that's fair.

You can get a battalion there.

You can't say you have to have a location. You can't have homeless or semi homeless people storming a fucking.

Oh, you're talking about Jenny's ice cream. I thought we were just meeting. I think it would be a good test to try to get the mothership because then you got Rogan in there, okay? You got his team of security.

Yeah. You'd have Diaz probably would be the chef.

You got to test your fucking might against them.

What do you mean?

A good first battle.

Against who?

The local police saying send the bums into the mothership and see who wins.

We're never going to work there again. This is not a good choice.

All right. Not the mothership.

Yeah, no, I think you can.

I'm trying to think of where would you lead your bomb army?

You can meet up out front of it. Well, I think you have to pick like five or six places in the Americas to meet up. So I think you're going to have for sure.

Kna in Philadelphia. That's the street. It is, yeah.

Kna in Philly.

Yeah, Kensington.

Kensington and what? Allegheny and Allegheny?

Yeah, you get them in there, bro.

Crossing the Allegheny. That goes all the way back to the 1912, dude. Or whenever. Sometime around then.

Crossing the. Yeah, the delicate. This is the army. They're encamped right now.

Oh, hell yeah. And it says no one deserves what's brewing in Kensington. Now, the tough part is to keep your army excited. You are going to need over the counter meds, probably. Or under the counter. I don't know which one it is.

I think they're getting over okay. I think over the counter led them.

There, but it's crazy that the people who are. Because society has led people to believe be in this space. I think even just that family that sold all the drugs, whatever, the opioids.

Sacklers.

Yeah. You have the Sackler family, who killed hundreds of thousands of people to have pills. That's the first place you have to attack is sacklers. Yeah. Right.

Yeah.

They don't deserve to be alive, really, do they? No.

Yeah, I think it'd be a fair thing to say. You don't think they. No one. If you had to pick someone who didn't deserve to be alive. They're up there.

Yeah. Top. So you got to go get them first. Now once you get them, you're going to have a lot more. People are going to join the army for sure. Okay, so we meet up in Austin. What other places? Buffalo would be good.

Those are some sturdy ones.

Oh yeah, Buffalo.

You get that winter and you get.

Those people that do the thing where they throw the baby into the pizza oven or whatever. Who's that? Family?

What?

You know I'm talking about in the parking lot. No, they're like crisp and crispin'or, whatever it's called. It's like they put that. Who's the family that makes the pizza? Can you look it up?

Google that.

And they got the burn ins on the four year old or whatever out there.

They burnt a baby, they put the.

Fucking sauce on his back or whatever. Who is it? It's a family of whites. They're famous up there. Who is it? Oh, come on, Pete.

Is this who you're talking about?

Yeah. What's his last name? Oh, Pinto tailgate. That's what I'm talking about. Wait, what are you talking about? Pinto tailgate, man. These motherfuckers watching.

So you tell me they're going to.

Burn a kid when it's not as hot, when it's still warm, they fucking pour some sauce on you.

Oh, they? Chris and a kid with pizza sauce.

Yeah.

That's nice.

Yeah, it's Pent hotel game, man. Beautiful what they're doing up there. So you got to meet here. So that's one place. Where else do you meet? You think that's enough? Maybe that is. Maybe it's enough information for now.

Yeah, my bad on saying we should send the bombs in to the mothership.

No, I think, look, that'd be a.

Tough one to get in. That's what I'm saying. There's a lot of security.

Oh, that's a good point.

That's what I'm saying. It's a good first round, you know what I mean?

Week one, I support it, actually. I say we send it. Yeah, you dispatch a unit, see how they do. Yeah.

And then we test, see, say that's like the final boss. Let's see how we could do against some crack security and guys with guns.

Oh, yeah. You're never going to be able to beat fucking little Debbie or fucking Nextel or any of these facebook. If you can't take out. Do you feel like we could really end up in our lifetime as heading to a revolution or some sort of a place where people. Where it all topples over? Because all it takes is really, I've thought about this. All it takes is a couple of people. All it takes is a couple of people to be like, hey, I'm not going to follow the rules anymore.

Yeah.

And then other people are like, I'm not going to this guy. And then it's just nobody's. Because we're kind of getting there. It feels like kind of people just kind of are like, if nobody's going to follow the rules, then why do everybody's kind of getting there? It feels like sometimes maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm just making exciting for the conversation. I don't know. Yeah.

I don't know how wrong you are. People are out there not following rules.

Yeah.

I don't know if that's going to start a revolution, but at a certain.

Point, if enough people say, okay, I'm not going to drive within the lines. Right.

Yeah.

I'm not going to follow the speed limit. It's almost just like that every now and then.

That has immediate consequences for whoever's doing it. They're going to crash, usually.

But if enough people are like, well, fuck it, I'm not waiting because there's an emerge up there. I'm not going to wait for an hour. I'm just going to go do what I want. But it's just that attitude. If I'm just going to do. And then other countries do that. Yeah. Haiti.

Yeah. You go in the traffic jams and shit there, like in India. You ever watch that?

Oh, they just do. Yeah, people. Yeah.

And they're doing all right.

You just wonder what's going to happen.

Yeah.

What else can we talk about? I feel like we.

What's going on with you?

What's going on with me, man? Not too much, dude. What's going on? Yeah. Thinking about touring and just how to do it. Yeah, that's been something I was thinking about. Yeah, I've been thinking about that. I've been thinking about that a lot. Like, do I want to go spend some people do a big tour and they go to the big cities and stuff like that, but I would almost rather do, like, a three year tour and go as I want.

It's kind of what I'm doing.

Yeah. And just make it as you want to do it.

Yeah.

It just feels, like, more manageable to me. I've been thinking about that. What else? I've been thinking about getting building, like a halfway house or something like that.

That'd be nice.

Yeah, it'd be pretty cool.

Yeah.

And then those people could be in the military.

Those are our officers, dude, that's our officer training school.

Yeah, dude, definitely. Honestly, that's something I've been thinking a lot about. What else? On a personal, like, on a personal side. Not much, dude. Supposed to go to Ayahuasca.

Really?

Yeah, in a couple days.

In a couple of days. Are you going to South America? Where are you going?

No, it's like right off the interstate in LA.

They're doing ayahuasca.

Oh, you can smell that? Yeah. I mean, there's a popeye, like, fucking probably no jokes. Takes 100 yards.

That's got to be so nice.

Well, twice a day, I guess they do the biscuit bakes or whatever.

High shit smelling that.

Oh, no, it's not fun high, I've heard.

Have you done it?

God is crawling in and out of your wieners. It's just a lot. It feels like a lot. It feels like you're just like, in therapy for like, two. What does it feel like? You know, like, say if somebody was playing basketball, you were playing basketball in an attic of a house, right. It would feel kind of weird maybe because you're like, yeah, the floor feels like. But if this feels like you're playing basketball on the first level, it's just like. That doesn't make any sense, but it feels like. I don't know, it's just intense.

You've done it.

Yeah.

And did you feel like it went well when you got done?

Yeah, it's just crazy. Yeah, I mean, it's like God shows up and you're fucking sitting there with him, but it feels really real. It's not like you're fucked up. Let me see that.

I took like a fucking ton of mushrooms once, and not that that's the same as ayahuasca. I did reach the fucking, like, I'm not here anymore. I'm just fully seeing things. Yeah, I came out of it, I was like, I'm going to be better. Then that fucking wore off. I'm back the exact same guy.

So that's the thing I think I wanted to see. Yeah, I just wanted to wear off. It's been like a year and a half since I did it.

Yeah.

So I've been thinking about that. Yeah, I've been thinking about that. I don't know, sometimes I think about maybe moving or getting also living somewhere else. I think it's fun to spend time down here. Austin is cool.

You can do stand up.

It's a beautiful city.

Yeah, it's just nice city. It's a fun city.

Yeah. There's a lot of neat stuff. Yeah, there's a lot of neat stuff. I think so. That's been pretty cool, just thinking about know, even coming and seeing, like, your house. It's like, oh, okay. This is what it would be like to live here. This seems like I could do this. What else, man? I don't know. I think it's just thinking about who would be fun to talk to on podcasts, stuff like that. Just the normal.

I don't. I'm not doing anything. I don't know how to answer that either. It's tough.

Who would be fun to talk to?

No, I mean, just, like, what's going on?

Yeah, I don't know. Anything you can think of, Zach, that you notice from an outsider's perspective about you. Yeah. Sometimes I'm just so in my own know. You don't know what's going on.

We're trying to get new, interesting guests for the pod.

Yeah, we try to get a carnival worker.

Yeah, we're trying to get a Carney.

We thought about Gypsy Rose.

I've heard a lot about Gypsy. What did Gypsy Rose do?

She convinced she got a boyfriend to kill her mother. Like, arranged it.

Yeah, and it's not funny, dude. I'm talking to myself because I just laughed. But, yeah, she and her boyfriend killed the mom because the mom made her pretend that she was, like, mentally challenged and stuff, in a wheelchair and physically handicapped.

The mom had Munchausen by proxy, so it was tricking her into thinking she was sick and had all these ailments.

I think I heard of this from a long time ago.

Yeah, there's, like, a tv series about it. There's been a lot of information about it, but she's also from Louisiana, so I was like, I wonder if it'd be interesting to talk with her and just see what her life has been like. But I know she did another podcast, and I don't know, if stuff like that supposed to happen, then it'll just happen.

And that's the mom. And she just kept making.

She made her pretend she was in a wheelchair and dress up like a little clown and stuff like that.

It feels like self defense at that point.

Yeah, I think that's what they. Yeah. And her boyfriend. I think she, like, met a guy somewhere in his name. Yeah. And they made love somewhere, too.

He's still in jail. This guy's still in jail.

Yeah, that guy should be in jail.

He should be in jail.

He looks like he's growing his beard out just so he can eat it. That's the kind of look that he has. So, yeah, anyway, yeah, that's her. But we try to get a carnival worker and what problem did we run.

Into this year we're running into with Carneys.

Is that a lot of working, baby? Working on a weekend like usual?

Yeah, a lot of the carnival industry.

Has said that they're working, dude.

There's no days off.

Oh, dude.

But still, it's got to be a fun life.

Keep it praying at night. I thought, all those little fish stay alive so you can make bank the next day.

Those fish must. How many fish are those guys going through those things? Must be dying so much.

And then if they die, probably making a little bitty, like, filets with them.

Yeah, they probably munch those.

Oh, definitely snacking on those. That's. So we've been looking for a carnivore because the problem with carnival people is the carnival's gone fucking AWOL, man. They don't have any animals anymore. First of all, it's a lot of virtual shit. And like, gay guys, like, pretending to be animals, which you can get in fucking anyway. You can get that in Miami or Bourbon street.

Yeah.

And then it's very, I guess, more Disney on ice or something. You can't find any of the good. Like, I remember there was a was we used to live by the fair that would come through town, right? So if you went the day early for it, open for a quarter, you could do a ride, right? And you were basically practicing. People would disappear. People would go fucking missing. People would get wiped up. Your fucking chicks would get wiped up by a lot of these carnival workers and everything. But you could go practice. And I remember one time I was getting off of a ride and I guess I grabbed two rails at the same time and it completed a circuit. And so I was just like this. And this black guy I remember goes, get on out of here. And he called me the n word. He put his foot on my back and thank God he kicked me.

He saved you?

Yeah. You shouldn't use the n word.

Getting electrocuted is so fucking funny.

Oh, well, it's surprising.

And it's like it happened to my cousin. He was fixing, like, the VCR laying on the floor and he's big.

Yeah.

And he was fixing it and he was laying on a wire. I guess that was exposed. And while he was fixing it, he just stopped and was like, he's huge. We were all like, the fuck are you doing? Get up. No one was like, he's dying. Everyone's like, what the fuck? Dude, stop.

Yeah, that's one of the worst things that happens when people are getting electrocuted is people, like, call them pussies a lot or, like, quit doing all that gay shit. People say stuff like that and you're, like, shaking.

What are you shaking for?

Yeah, this ain't a time to laugh, Rodney.

Then a woman screams, and then you realize it's serious. I just remember, unless you don't have any women in your house without women, they are fucking. They are an alarm. They're like dogs.

Yeah.

They scream the second something. Anything is happening, they know something's going scream. They do know something's going on.

That's a great point. Men are just like, hey, what the fuck's going on?

Women screaming during a fight.

Yeah, it's hot.

It hurts. It's unfortunate getting your ass beat and having your girl scream while it's happening. Just whoever's beating you up is terrorizing your whole family unit.

Yeah. That's the crazy thing I watch in fight videos, is when the girl just yelling on the side. Stop it. You'd almost rather have your girl go sit in the car. Or, now, what if your girl tased the fucking dude and this started.

That would be awesome.

And started yelling just, like, biggie lyrics at him and shit.

Depends which lyrics. But actually, at that point, if you're using a taser in the middle of a fight that feels like a pass. Yeah, you could say all the lyrics.

Yeah, definitely.

I think.

Yeah, I think having your girl knowing your girl is Taser ready is fucking hype shit.

Women screaming. It bothers me during basketball games.

Oh, yeah?

They scream football games. They get excited and scream so loud.

Oh, it's ridiculous. My buddy took me to watch his son play football, right? And there's this band of women behind us. Okay. One of them has a megaphone that doesn't fucking. It just makes them sound like Stephen Hawking. Right. So it's just some lady. It's like a $9 megaphone. It's like, are you fucking kidding me? And she's just yelling. They're all yelling at the raft, dude.

Yeah. Yelling at rafts at kids games is fucking nice because that guy's a fucking loser. Oh, yeah, it's so mean.

That guy wants to have control in the community, though.

Yeah, he's like, all right, I got to ref this fucking 7th grade football game today. And then there's some parent like, you fucking piece of shit. Yeah, you fucking. That was a hold, you fucking dumb ass.

Yeah, that was a hole.

Get your ass out your ass.

Somebody all yelling follow you to the.

Parking lot and beat your fucking ass. Dude, these guys have to run to their guards after middle school football games.

For $12 an hour. The guy has to fucking almost die in his community just because he fucking was to work on the weekend sprint.

And own that dumb fucking outfit. You got to take your hat off.

Yeah, this is it right here.

How drunk all these dudes are. Dudes are, shit face.

Unbelievable, dude.

That is nice, though, getting fucking wrecked and going and coaching a game up in a game.

Shit face, have you done it?

No, I haven't. I have not.

You seem like you would be able to do it.

I coached midget football.

Did you really? Yeah, it was really Pop Warner.

We called it midget.

Yeah.

8Th grade, we called it midget league.

Yeah. Some people used to call it that, and some people still do call it that. Is there an actual little person football league or not?

There's got to be.

Let's bring that up.

They're doing all types of stuff.

Well, you know what always gets me every year is that video of the blind guy playing football that comes up.

Blind child playing football. It's so funny because. You know what I mean? I'm not laughing at.

No, it's not funny because the guy's blind. It's funny because it just goes exactly.

How you think it's going to go.

Yeah. And the reporter pretends. This is what's funny about it, is the reporter is what makes it fucking ridiculous because they're like, hey, this makes perfect normal sense and safety for this guy. And then they watch the play and pretend like it's fucking not insane.

Little people versus giant people.

This is soccer. I don't see any, like, american football.

The Giants.

The Giants.

That's just a regular fat guy. I could be one of the giants.

God damn it. Oh, little people are way better at soccer.

One, three looks good. Put his ass down. Oh, you kick me, motherfucker. Little kids. The little guys are going to fuck these dudes up. That's a foul. That's yellow.

Oh, yeah. Big fucking Sherbert. Big dudes always have nicknames like Sherbert. Look at that. She's pissed.

It's a good wall, though. They're going to block that. Free kick. The fat guy wall.

Yeah, it's unfair.

Yeah.

Are you talking about.

Yes. Yeah. Can we bring up the news or just play the news story? Because it's just Dylan Collier and God bless him. We should call him, actually. Let's get him on a solo episode. Zach, him and Chase Matthews, the guy that shit in the wig wall. What'd that guy do? The guy that vomited on the girl? On the baby?

Get them together. You mean separate episodes?

Separate episode. Talk about. I just want to talk to him. I want to see. What does this guy think about it? He's got to think it's fucking insane. Dylan, play. Because he's doing all of this blind.

You know, I can't see. And a lot of people think that a blind person can't play football.

That's true. This courageous youngster has proven those people wrong, bro. Imagine, though. This is wild, though. If he is blind, then he could play a total different defense. You can't even expect. Because you expect a normal defense out of. You expect certain lanes and this shit like that.

That guy might leave the field where.

He'S going, that fucking game is longer. But if he hits you, that game is longer than 100 yards.

There is something that is true about this, is if he does hit you, he is going to run right through you, which is how you're supposed to. Like, if you want to fucking drill someone.

Good point.

Run right through him.

That's a great.

You're going to hit him really fucking hard.

You couldn't penalize him for some of those, like, poaching or whatever. They get those penalties.

Yeah.

I would love to see what this guy's up to and what it was like for him. Dude, how brave to run when you're blind. Just run as fast as you can when you're fucking blind.

Yeah.

Fuck. That's brave shit, dude. That's the kind of shit we need in this country. Meanwhile, we have a bunch of fucking math addicts arming themselves outside of a T Mobile. Because we told them to, dude.

You told them. I didn't. Why did you say that?

You're on the horse.

I'm never going to get on a horse.

Yeah, you are, buddy. Any other news? Act. You think we covered everything. Shane lives in Austin now.

Yeah.

We had one other video we were watching like this.

Oh, yeah. And this is racial stuff. That's. Let's. Let's start it up. Hold on. So one of the problems that's happening in society is people can't afford Ubers anymore. And so here, this happened, I think, in this looks like New Hampshire.

He's just hitching a rock.

Dude, it's right in front of my car. Get off.

Oh, no.

There's a white guy hanging. He's on the front of a black guy's car while the black guy's driving.

Around looks like fucking Pittsburgh. He's still on my car.

Get the fuck off my car.

Oh, don't go sideways, bro.

Dude, it's unbelievable. The guy didn't just stop and say, hey, senior citizen, who is 60 years older than me, who may be having an episode, hey, buddy, why don't you fucking get off my car? Instead? The guy's fucking listening to Nicki Minaj or young dolph, and he's just like, hey, this is crazy.

The trump hat is so good on. That guy's on my car.

Like it's a butterfly or something.

That is how I treat bugs on my car. I'm like, I'll slow down, see if he gets off.

You guys have got to see.

Fucking bug on a car.

This guy is 72 years old. He's holding onto the front of this guy's car, and we don't know why. This is that Biden shit, man, that people are talking about. And this is people on meds. This is people not having any hope, probably.

I mean, you run out of hope, you're going to have to get on someone's car.

That's what I'm saying.

That's step two. You look around, you go, there's no hope.

Well, yeah, and Ubers. At a certain point, it's just going to be a bunch of lords in their castles. The rest of us will be all ubering each other. It'd be the only job. But everybody's ubering, so nobody is a passenger.

Nobody's breaking. We're all just breaking even on this.

Totally. So you're literally going to have people holding each other at gunpoint to be their passenger.

Oh, man. Dude, imagine if that was your relative that you just saw that video. You're like, man, he had a fucking manic episode. He jumped on a dude's car, just went around the block.

God wants us to watch it one more time.

Yeah, it's great. I love seeing his face. Don't fall. My car. I wish I had a view of his feet. Oh.

He said, get off, but he didn't give him time.

He was getting off.

Get off my car.

At 20 miles an hour, he goes for the exit. Exit?

Yeah. He tried to take the orthodox fucking tunnel off to the side, but they wouldn't.

Fucking seeing that guy roll in the street.

Hey, let's find out who that is, and let's also get him on the next solo. Those three guys I want to know. Dillion Collier, the guy. Jordan Matthews. Chase Matthews, I think was his name.

Puke man.

Yeah. The guy that vomited on the baby girl. And you know that guy was hoping nobody brought that up.

Oh, man, he was 21, shit faced at a baseball game. He's never live in that town. Puked on a fucking little kid.

Yeah. Wonder what the kid's doing now, too. It'd be crazy to see if that influenced him. Know if he works with bulimia or know to prevent anybody from esophageal cancer, maybe.

Yeah.

What else we got, Zach? Anything else? How long have we been in here? A while.

About 2 hours.

Oh, wow. Really?

Oh, shit. Okay, that's good.

Matt and Shane's secret podcast.

Yes.

With Matt McCosker. Shane Gillis. Matt's got to come on next time with you, man.

Yeah.

He's had so much fun on you.

Would you do it without me? Just Matt? You guys would get along very well.

Okay.

Yeah.

All right.

Got similar vibes.

Well, I just want to make sure we have our meeting of the generals that are going to be working. McCusker is a very general name.

Yes, very. McCusker's last stand. He's going to get. Bombs are going to turn on him.

But still, dude, McCusker's last stand, and he fucking, we'll never forget when he fucking commandeered those three t mobile outlets in the middle of the night.

Yeah. Little best buy. Yeah. This has been tried before, though. Not necessarily bumps, but just saying, like, they're downtrodden, they're going to rise up. If I let John Brown did that.

Did he really?

Yeah, that's how he sparked the civil war in America. So he was like, I'm going to start. He thought, rightfully so, that slavery was, he was very religious, and he was like, this is the gravest sin.

John Brown's raid on Harper's Ferry.

He's like, if I go take the armory at Harper's Ferry, all the slaves from all the area are going to join us.

Wow.

And not many of them did, really? Almost none.

So they let him down, or they were afraid.

I don't know. He was a little nuts. So they were probably like, that's not the guy to do it.

And he's a white guy or black guy. He was a honky, but his last name was Brown.

Yes, it.

So they give him some of that credit.

He gets a lot of credit in the black community.

Does he really?

That's a great. Yeah, I mean, he fucking, he's the man.

He started, so he really inspired. So he actually made a physical motion to say, hey, let's do this.

We got to get rid of slavery.

Right. Wow.

And they hung him. He got fucking Mary the elephant treatment.

That's heartbreaking. Where's he buried at?

He's from Kansas. Yeah.

Wow. So he really was trying his just out in Kansas. And who hung him? The whites?

Yeah, the honkies got him. God.

He's buried in the mountains in New York. How do you pronounce this? I don't know how to pronounce that word.

Adirondack.

Yeah, there we go.

Everyone had it. He was a beast. He was getting after it, though. Before he did that, he was killing all the southern sympathizer slave owners. Sympathizers, yeah, in Kansas. Him and his sons were macheteing people. Oh, yeah.

Wow.

Pretty good guy, though.

I'd be interesting if we could do a Ouija board or something and talk with some of those. Yeah, be pretty cool. But I don't know who does that kind of work. Seancery or whatever. That would be a good episode with a seance.

Get a fucking medium in here. Get like somebody that's like, I'm going to contact the dead.

You think so?

I think that'd be a great episode.

You got to pick out some cool dead. They can't be like, oh, this is some guy. Hey, we just got a call from Richard outside of Toledo.

People calling into a radio show. Hi, manier. Fuck. You're not allowed to swear here.

That'd be hilarious. Dude, you just had an open seance.

Long time listener, dude. I've been listening to you guys for eternity. It's all right.

Welcome to town, man. Are you touring this year? What else is going on?

Just so people know, I'm touring. Okay. Yeah. I don't know when this comes out, but I'm going to announce I'm doing. Netflix is a joke. I'm doing the greek theater and the Kia forum in May.

You're doing the forum, too?

I'm doing the forum in LA.

Is that 11,000 seats?

Hopefully that sells some tickets.

Oh, my gosh. I think Louis said that's his favorite place to go do a show.

Really?

Yeah, I think I would like to maybe try that this year. That's so exciting, dude.

Yeah.

Wow.

So that'll be exciting. I'll be nervous.

That'd be your biggest show ever?

That'll be the biggest, yeah, that's exciting.

Have you done any outdoor festival shows?

I did a bunch with.

Yeah.

Yeah, they were fun.

Some of those looked amazing. Like, some of those were really amazing. Do you like doing the outdoor one? We did one in Edmonton. It was tough. It was fun. It's just different.

Yeah. I don't know. I've only ever done it opening for Burt, so I don't know how it'll do. Like, a long set might be hard. I have no idea.

Did you feel like it was fine just how you.

I was doing like 1520 minutes, so I was like, all right, let's just clock in, get this done.

This is great.

Sometimes it was good. Sometimes I felt like I sucked because you can't tell because it was like a minor league baseball field, and the sun was up a lot of the time, so you could see everyone know. You could see everyone getting up drinks.

Yeah. Some places you do it, and some people don't even know. I remember I taped a comedy special in New Orleans, and some people had never seen live comedy, didn't even know. People were yelling. People thought it was like, a sporting event. People were yelling defense during it. Some lady was at the top, just beating on the back wall, just going, defense, defense.

You're getting fired up.

It was just fucking crazy. Like, what is going on here?

Yeah. Big crowd like that, they can start getting wild.

Yeah. What's been one of the toughest things about getting more popular? You've just had such a crazy. I mean, you did it. Somehow you made it. I mean, I know how, but it's just like, you've just gotten.

You've got popular. Yeah. A lot of it's on TikTok and shit. I don't even have a TikTok. I don't like. I don't personally, I don't like them. I don't care if other people do them. But it's funny because young people will see me and be like, you're the TikTok guy.

Yeah.

Like, damn, I got to get on TikTok. I got to see what's going on. That was a big thing, was just clips. What the hardest part about it? Is that what you're saying?

Yeah. Is there something that's been interesting about it? I mean, it's just an interesting thing that happens in somebody's life when they get more pop. It's like, just interesting. Yeah.

You've done. It's just weird. I don't know how to.

Yeah, maybe it just feels weird. Yeah. I was just curious. Feels surreal.

I don't know. There's nothing you thought about it or.

Noticed about it or anything that was tough about it or anything.

I got to take pictures a lot.

Yeah.

Which that's not always great.

And you're tall you can't hide.

Yeah, I don't like the way I look a lot of the time. And I have like, sometimes a very embarrassing smile. Yeah, so many pictures with my arms up. Like, there's so many pictures. There's so many pictures of me.

How nice to meet you guys.

Thanks. Don't look them up. Fucking bring them up.

Oh, there's one with you and Trump. Dude, that's sick. You were there. Yeah, we talked about that last time. Oh, yeah. I don't think I was sitting further away from you guys though. Yeah, you went to like the first one trump ever came to.

I think that was fun.

Yeah, that was fun.

You were directly behind there. I know exactly where you were.

Poirier.

That's actually Max Crosby's arm.

Is it really?

Guy with the chain right there?

Yeah. Wow, Max Crosby is a cool guy.

Yeah, I think that was him.

His brother too. I don't know what his brother, what's his brother's name?

Miles.

Miles. I met Miles too one time. Wonder if it's cool if your brother's in the NFL. I bet that's awesome. That's gotta be awesome because you don't have to do.

Yeah, yeah, you get to do fucking Mahomes, brother. Just do fucking TikToks. Everyone's like, shut the fuck up.

Yeah, you just get to do TikToks and fucking meet guys.

Bother.

Yeah, yeah, you just get to do TikToks and just buy sweaters and shit. And your brother's fucking out there killing it.

That's got to be nice.

That's awesome.

Yeah. Like, if your brother was Patrick Mahomes, that's cool to watch. Oh, just watch your brother be the best player in the world, dude.

You'd have to be like, how the fuck. Especially if you knew your brother. And you're like, are you fucking.

I remember I caught you jacking off like 100 times. Fucking.

And then I.

No, look, passing.

Yeah, and then I left you alone for 2 seconds and came back in the room. Okay.

What are you doing?

Like a good parent should, dude. All right, man, we'll see you guys in either buffalo or in Austin. Outside of comedy mothership. If shit hits the fan, because you have to recognize at some point people will think in their head, I've thought about this. Where do we all go when shit. When it gets. Because all it takes is that fucking. That one night.

Yeah. I'm going to try to get a hold of Rogan.

That's the guy, right? I agree. And I spoke with him about this one time. And he, I think, decided he will be offshore in a boat looking back at America.

I think so.

And that's what a lot of people be doing.

Be vigilant. The second ship pops off, I got to get over there because a lot of people are going to rush. It's going to be like Noah's ark. Oh, people are going to be like, save us.

Yeah. There's going to be two of, like, every type of comic. Yeah.

Me and Tim. Dylan, walking hand in hand. Two fat whites. You guys are in.

Me and Tignetaro.

Ambiguous guys. You guys are.

Oh, that'd be sick, dude. Two people with those little things.

Yeah. Jeff Dunham. And doesn't.

Dude, imagine being the other guy. That's not Jeff Dunham. People are always like, hey, are you Jeff Dunham?

I was doing this before him. That motherfucker.

Shane Gillis, man. Congrats, dude. Congrats on just being funny. And I'm sorry you didn't win the Golden Globe, and you should have. I thought.

Thanks.

Thought you at least should have been up for it. Thanks.

I appreciate that.

And, yeah, you guys can find them on tour. Dude, the fucking form. You're doing the form and the Greek?

Yeah. In the same week.

Wow.

Hopefully that sells. It's my agent.

Your agent?

Oh, yeah, yeah, we did the Greek. They're like, let's. Dude, you can do the form. Yeah, it's going to sell. I was like, oh, man. You sure it's going to sell?

Because I'll do it. Week is the Greek.

Yeah.

Fuck.

I've never done la, though, so that's good. That helps.

Yeah. That's awesome. Well, you'll definitely do it, man.

Air conditioning.

Yeah.

Now that the podcast is wrapping up, bring it back down to 75.

Thanks, Shane, for coming in, man. I appreciate it, man.

Thank you, dude.

Yeah. Talk to you later, brother. Now I'm just falling on the breeze and I feel I'm falling like these leaves I must be cornerstone.