Today's episode was filmed when I was down in the Australia, and she's probably one of the biggest comedians in Australia. She's well known for her viral clips online. She's hilarious. Her Netflix show, Well, Mania, and she's currently touring the US right now. Today's guest is Celeste Barber. Shive that light on me.

I'll sit and tell you my stories ♪ Shine on me ♪ And I will find a song I'll be singing ♪ I'm on the steps ♪ And now I've been living way too many times… 11 minutes ago, my Australia, New Zealand tour went on sale. No way. I'm just being a little bit obnoxious for 30 seconds.

You want to check the stats?

To make sure. Note that it has uploaded because Instagram has become really needy. I don't know if you've noticed. When you post, you got to keep the app open for it to upload. You can't just post and then walk away, Renee, and it does its thing. It's needy.

Let's make sure that it's up.

I'm just going to sit there with a video of myself playing while I sit with you and talk about myself.

It's the world we're in. It's like you will see somebody editing a photo of themselves and writing in their diary at the same time.

Yeah, exactly.

It's really bizarre.

I always said that to people when they're about press and stuff. They're like, The press are running shit on me. They're running shit on me. I'm like, I haven't seen it. You're in a fucking vortex of yourself. I'm like, Oh, no, it's everywhere. I'm like, Turn Google Alerts off on yourself. Turn them off. You don't need to get Google Alerts about yourself every fucking 10 minutes.

You pull this in. You care if we start or no?

No, I don't care at all. Sorry, I'm being great. I also have been in a hotel for four nights, which buckles my voice. I sound like a pre-pre-person teenager.

Why? Do you think the air in there is bad? Yeah. The rooms are so expensive. Maybe they put cheap air in the room.

Well, yeah. I need natural air. But hotels are fancy, they don't- Well, some of them are so expensive, dude.

I've been in ones where you're like, I'm not even going to sleep. If I even blink my eyes, it's going to cost me 30 bucks. Absolutely. I remember the first night I stayed in a really fancy place. I stayed up all night. I was like, I'm not going to waste the money.

You're going to get paid to sleep. They're going to charge you to go to sleep.

Yeah. I came here to fucking use this place.

I think I read one of the books or something.

I started reading a couple of-In the hotel? Just to get your money. It's like-Your money's worth.

Yeah.

You want to get your money's worth. I left the water going for a couple of hours, I remember.

Do Can we travel with anything specifically?

No, just usually a little bit of hairspray, I guess. Yeah, just a bit. What else do I like to have in my room? Water, Powerade or Gatorade, a couple Water Scotches. What else do you like?

Well, when I travel, in a hotel, I have to take my pillow. I got to take my pillow with me. I've become that girl. But even with water now, I love it. In the hotel I was just in, had a couple of bottles of water, and it It's like, Yeah, no shit. It's fucking water. But they're just pointing out this bit, complementary. It's $5,000 a fucking night to stay here. The least you can do. Give me some complementary water.

Yeah, it's so true. Sometimes it'll say $13 water. They'll have the complimentary ones, the little ones.

That's like a thimble of fucking water.

The little ones sometimes are even warmer somehow. It's like they They want it to seem like maybe it's been already used once or something.

Yeah, you're not that special. Someone else has run this around their mouth, spat it back in, and then you can have it for free.

Some Lord has been using this.

Seinfeld walked past this door. Now you get to have free water.

Then they'll have the larger cool bottle next to it. It'll say still water or deceased water.

Deceased water. It's always in a sexy bottle. It's like, why don't I want that shitty water? I want the sexy water. You have to remortgage your house to fucking pay for it. Is this free water?

Yeah, that's free.

Thank you.

That's free. We'll come in with a nicer one on a tray in a little bit.

How much would that cost me?

Dude, you know what's interesting about Celeste Barber?

Sure.

Nice to see you. Wow, you drink like a...

Careful.

Sorry.

Beautiful, talented woman. Thank Thank you so much. Also, happy International Women's Day.

Is it today?

What do you fucking mean?

What do you mean? I knew it was this year.

Yeah. Once a year, we get it. We're allowed to be ladies once a year. I'm so excited.

Yeah. Are you celebrating?

Here, this is it. Chatting to you. That's awesome.

Educating you. This is international? This is international? Yes, it is. I'm excited to learn about women and Australian women. Because we've been here for a couple of weeks. One thing that's interesting, you guys call it a toilet that I think is really- What do you call it? It's the bathroom, right?

Yes.

Toilet is way more accurate, I was realizing, because nobody bathes in there. You don't ever go in there. There's somebody like- Yeah, right.

I mean, like at a restaurant.

Singing in the rain.

Jim Kelly's just sitting in there singing.

You walk in there and there's an Indian guy just like, Do you want some bubble bath? Toilet is way more accurate. I really appreciate I appreciate the accuracy of things here.

Actually, that's true. When I'm in the States, I have been in a restaurant or whatever, and I'm like, Hi, whereabouts is your toilet? Or I say, Have you guys got a toilet? They're like, Yes. I'm like, Where is it? They're like, The rest room is over there. I'm like, Oh, right. They're like, Why are you being so specific?

But even rest room is... It's like if you walked in there and somebody was sleeping, just Goldilocks in there under the sinks or whatever, you would be so alive.

Full of people with narcolepsy, just chilling out in there.

Like at the koala park?

Yes. Have you done the whole koala park thing?

We went there. A lot of them look, I want to say semi- Korean, I want to say a little bit. They're beautiful animals. A lot of them are definitely unemployed, it looked like. If you go in the one area where they're all just sleeping in the fucking branches or whatever. Yeah.

Did you touch one?

No, I didn't touch one.

Where did you see them? Where did you go?

We went to the Brisbane Forest Hills. Not a cemetery. What's it called?

No. Sanctuary. No, it's not a cemetery. Yeah, sanctuary. Yeah, right. That would be fucking weird.

It's just a Ouija board.

They're like, We promise you're petting it. Yeah. Koalas are now endangered species in Australia after the hideous bushfires we had. When you said that, I was like, Oh, God, that's heartbreaking. It's my favorite animal. Are you serious? I know that's really cliched, but a few years ago, I got to hold one, and it was just it was unbelievable. Her name was Lucy, and I fucking fell in love with her. They're really heavy and really dense. So they cling. But then they turn like really good. They can turn. They're really horny. Oh, they're really? Yeah. When they're on heat, they were chasing after my husband.

Oh, yeah. Like the Irish.

I'm like, Bitch, back off. Yeah, exactly like the Irish.

The Irish are the only humans that I feel like get in a heat and they just can't handle it. You'll see them rubbing up against a damn hydrant in the street.

Where have you been in Ireland? Where have you been?

Irish are everywhere. All over. Yeah, they'll pop up anywhere. But on the internet, they have a lot of videos of Irish hydrant action or whatever. I have not seen a lot of that. Now, at the park we went to, there was an instance. There's a lot of kangaroos, right? And a A lot of them are, I don't want to say opiates have hit the area or whatever, but there's a lot of them that are resting a lot, right? Just lounging.

But that's what you want. You don't want to be near them when they're not chilled. They'll knock you the fuck out. They're incredible. You want to be around the ones that are chilled in the restroom.

Okay. Then there was one that got up. I don't know if he wanted a midnight snack or what. He was waiting to meet the dealer, it felt like. He was He was huge. He had a watch on, which I thought was crazy.

Couple of chains.

He had a Whoop bracelet on. His tail was diamond-encrusted. He was like the final boss.

It felt like. Just called everyone bitch. It was that guy. I know that guy. Yeah.

Oh, he called me a at one point. We'll bleep that out, but he did. I felt horrible. I was like, Jesus, what What does he know about me that I don't know? Yeah, I don't have a wife, but come on, guy. Anyway, oh, being in Australia and nice to be in your country.

What other words are weird? Restroom for you.

Restroom. The audiences are more nonchalant here.

Yeah, we care. Yeah.

It's interesting. You'll come out on stage and maybe a couple of people get up.

Yeah, it's so different in America. I've noticed that. When I'm over there on stage, it's the first, I reckon five, seven minutes. I'm like, Calm the fuck down. Like, sit down, and then I can talk to you. It's bananas. But here in Australia, walk out, everyone's like, All right, bitch, prove it. What do you got?

Is that what they're thinking?

We have this thing, a tall poppy syndrome in Australia, where you get too big, we'll come, we'll cut you down, we'll bring you back down to Earth.

Like that Petraeus? Who was that runner, that guy who killed his wife? Was that here?

No, that is not us. That is- Oscar Pretorius? Yeah. No. He was fucking horrible. That was horrible, that whole thing. No, he's not Australian. He's South African. Oh, yeah. I fucking hope. If he's not, don't run that because that's shit. If I say that that guy- But he's South African? Yeah. They shot him.

The second he started getting fast, they clipped him.

You got to work for it here.

Oh, really? Yeah. That's fair. Yeah.

We don't. Celebrity culture. Where are we at?

Oscar Pastore is granted parole after serving 10 years for the murder of Reva Steen camp. Wow.

Ten years isn't fucking enough.

I agree, especially on International Women's Day.

Fucking hell.

South African- Which is just one day, remember?

Just today. Yeah.

I vote give them a couple of days.

Yeah, right. Even just a day and a half. Fuck off.

They gave you, what is today? A Wednesday, Thursday?

It's Friday. Oh, it is Friday.

But FDA. Give these bitches a Saturday.

I know. Imagine if he gave us a Sunday. No, we need small steps, guys. Small steps.

The peace. Bring that back up. South African Paralympian Oscar for a Story has been granted parole effective January fifth, 2024, after Serving 10 years for the 2013 murder of his girlfriend, Riva Steen camp, known as the Blade Runner for his carbon fiber prosthetic legs. He went from a public hero to a convicted killer. Wow. That would be so crazy getting out of jail.

Fucking hell.

That guy needs to go back in, huh?

2013? I didn't know that was it. Yeah, he needs to absolutely go back in.

The parole hearing took place at the Adderidge Correctional Center near the capital, Pretoria, where Pastoreas has served the majority of his sentence.

What is he doing now? Tell me he's not running again. Is he just trying to shut down International Women's Day? That's for sure.

That's for damn sure he is. I'm not going to let him.

No.

Ms. Steen camp's parents gave an interview to a British newspaper in February for the 10th anniversary of their daughter's death and said that they had not forgiven No, me neither. Yeah, me neither. That guy seemed like he just was… Gross.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Up to no good. No. God. Anyway, I really shouldn't have talked about that.

Anyway. That's okay.

Horny koalas. You're going to the States, so you have a US tour.

Yeah, I have a US tour.

What does that feel like? It's a lot going to another country and touring.

It is a lot. I just find touring a lot. I find the whole thing a lot. It's a lot. Yeah, but most of my audience is in the States, and most of the money is in the States. Is it? Yeah. So I go and do that. My first show is May second for Netflix as a joke in LA. Oh, wow. Opening night of the festival on stage at the same time as Seinfeld down the Road. So I reckon six people will be at my show.

I don't know. Seinfeld is getting older.

I'd go to Seinfeld. Yeah. I'm funny.

What if you're at Seinfeld? Sign up on stage.

Sorry. Yeah. A hundred meters down the road.

He's a legend. I think it just... Yeah, there's so many different audiences now. Right.

Yeah. The Internet, right? It makes everything so much bigger and smaller.

Do you feel like... Because a lot of your popularity came off the Internet, right? Same for me, right? A lot of people seeing me, right? Because it's just getting eyeballs to see you. So did you feel like you had to make that up when you get on the stage? Because sometimes it's scary, I feel like, if you get the publicity before you are- You got to back it up. Right.

Yeah. No, I absolutely felt that. I It was really important to me that I bridged that gap because the internet is free, right? So you got millions of followers, but it doesn't fucking cost them anything. So how many followers do you... How loyal- That's a great point, huh? People are people. People are, I love you, I love you because you're free, bitch, and you're in my hand. When I'm on the toilet, I'm good. But then I wanted to see how that translated, and it translated very well, sold out shows. But I really wanted to prove my stripes because I trained as an actor. That was always my thing. But I started the Instagram stuff because I couldn't get a fucking job. I did that, and then it blew up. I didn't want to just, like you say, just be on stage and people be like, Oh, you're better here. I wanted to make sure that it translates well.

It's so funny to say that there's something scary in a way, I thought about this, about people coming to see you live because you're like, if they already like me, then all I'm doing is risking them not liking me. Absolutely. It's fucking there's something that's harrowing about it. There's times where I'm like, Gosh, I just… If they already like me, maybe we're good.

Yeah, what the fuck am I doing? Why am I? Yeah, it's like, well, they like me, and now I'm going to do a tour to see if they really like me. That's fucking masochistic. What is that? It's like, prove it. Prove it that you like me. Because the parodies and stuff I do on Instagram at first, people are like, Are you just going to come on stage and then just change into different costumes? I thought, it's that tricky thing of going, Well, do I give an already excellent, strong audience more of what I've already given them and what it seems like they want, or do I give them what I think would be a better show? She was like, What the fuck do you do there?

I know. It's scary. Yeah.

Then you just keep fucking going out and doing Again, you sell a show, you sell a tour, it goes really well, and you're like, Oh, cool. They do like me, but it's not enough. Now I'm doing another fucking tour, and now I'm panicking about that. What is that that we do? It's so masochistic. Just stop. Just start selling water.

Yeah.

Yeah. Make money that way. Start making things hard for yourself, Celeste.

Yeah. Start making things hard for yourself. Yeah. I wonder. There's definitely... I have this thing like, I want to make sure that I get to see every... I'll go to all the markets. I'll try and go perform at all the markets. Some people will go to the big city. I'll go to... I mean, you can't go to towns, really, but there's fantasy in my head where I'm just on a bus and we just set up a tent and we do the show in a town. I just want to interact with everybody.

You want to reach everybody. But the weird thing is we do on our fines. I know.

I guess it's so ridiculous. But I think I have this romantic version, this old-school version.

Yeah, absolutely.

That I romanticize sometimes.

Have you done a tour bus?

Do you do tour busses? Yeah, I've done a tour bus. We've tried everything. We tried the motorcycle with the little thing on the side of it.

Fucking hell.

We tried that, and I was sitting there just holding a box of T-shirt for merch.

Yeah, some caps.

We tried the camper van, a family camper that you rent. It's $19 a day, and it's basically just a case Yeah, and they don't go up hills.

Yeah, you got to jump out and fucking push it up.

There's nothing in there. It's like an anytime fitness, basically. It's like an anytime fitness on wheels. There's like two kettlebells in there, and then there's just some fucking- And Chevy Chase just sitting in the front. And some dangerous man complaining that the water fountain is broken.

How many people do you tour around with?

My tour manager, Tim, and then two comedians, usually. Yeah, keep it. It's a pretty small group. But then If you start to go into places where you have to bring production, and then you have to bring... Then there's other people that come, but they are more of the production side, maybe. But it's pretty interesting. It's pretty interesting to see it and learn. It's scary, though, some of the responsibility. I think just with touring, it's like once you're like, Okay, I'm really going to go do this.

Yeah, I'm this guy now. It's supposed to be fun. We did a tour bus 2018, It was a massive fucking tour bus. It had twelve bunks in it. Oh, yeah. Had a massive bedroom out the back. It was me and my best friend/tour manager. It was like a Janet Jackson backup dance, a fucking bus. We just ran amok on it. It was so fun.

Wow. You went all across Australia?

No, all around America. No, we don't do tour busses here because it's too big. The country's too big. No, we did it all through America. Fucking wicked. I love tour bus. Costs a packet, though. Yeah, it's expensive. When it came out of a sold out world tour, I was like, How have I broken even? My manager's like, That fucking bus that you wanted. That bus, you idiot.

But otherwise, you're walking or you're on a donkey.

You're on donkeys, lots of donkeys. The last tour I did, 2022, I did 80 shows in three months. Wow. Like a fucking idiot. Like a fucking idiot. We were just plain. Travel day was a show day, travel day. Average about 16 hours in every place.

It's so hard.

It's shit.

Yeah.

You forget how much I need creature comforts. Get to a point where you're like, Why am I still navigating how fucking doors work? Because you're in a different place every time. So some doors are pushed, some run into like it's so discombobulating.

You think the government- Would get their shit together. I don't want to say anything NATO or whoever the group, NAACP. I don't know who does it, but whoever fucking make one door. Right.

How fucking hard is it?

Outlaw. Some of those hinges are, I don't want to say, I don't know what they are. They're bisexual, I think.

Okay. I was going to say they're shit. I just mean, some of them are willing to do anything. Right. Yeah. They're also super shit. I know. On International Women's Day, let's get some fucking women making doors, I reckon. They'll swing when we need them to swing.

Yeah, I like that. Yeah, we need some fucking women's doors. We need doors for women only.

Women's fucking doors. It's about time.

In America, there's a lot of women that will say that there's a male glass ceiling on comedy and stuff. Do you hear that here or no? Do you feel like it's just- Absolutely. Not a male.

Just a glass ceiling? Yeah, absolutely. Not a male. Or just a glass ceiling.

But nobody says that the glass ceiling is made out of men. You know what I'm saying?

No, we know that, though. We know that because it's been by men. Good luck. Well done with that, though. All those glass ceilings are made by the same person. They should get into the fucking doors.

Does it feel like that in the Australia comedy scene? I guess, because I don't know the scene that much. I have some friends here who are comedians, but knowing the scene is totally different.

Yeah. Look, I started as an actor. I've always been funny, but I'm not a comedian that's been gigging for 25 years, you know what I mean? Doing the 3:00 AM slot and all that stuff. I came acting.

So it's a different avenue.

Australia is really different to the States. We don't have comedy clubs on every corner. We have a handful of clubs. We have open mic nights at pubs or bars, but it's nowhere near as big as it is in the States. I did notice that when I got to America, I went into a comedy club there. I walked into the dressing room a few years ago and I was like, Do you reckon we could take that massive life-size photo of Bill Cosby down? Is that cool? They were like, Yeah, we can't. It's drilled in. I fucking ripped it off a ball and shoved it behind the toilet. Really? Yeah. Haven't been asked back there. That's fine.

Some of them, they don't want you to see it. Some of them, they're lost, I'll say. They're obviously into a different type of entertainer.

I play theaters now, so it's fine.

He's obviously a hypnotist.

Yeah, that's misunderstood, I think they say. Bill Cosby?

What if he just said, What if that had been his defense in court? I'm just, Guys, I'm just a really bad hypnotist.

Fucking hell.

So crazy. Has he died? I don't think. He just went back out on tour, I think.

No, he didn't.

I think nick Swartzen's touring with him.

On International Women's Day, he's just jumped back out on tour. So what's just happened? Are you telling me that his fucking tour went on sale the same day mine did? On International Women's Day?

Fuck you, Cusby. But people can go see. So all your just What's your Australia-New Zealand tour went on?

But America's on sale. I'm in America May, June.

And you start with the Netflix Festival.

Netflix Festival, and then Phoenix, then over to Washington, and then fuck around for a bit. It's tricky because I'm based here. I got a family here. I got a life here. Yeah, it's hard. I'm trying. This will be the fourth time I've done a world tour, and I'm still trying to figure out the best way to do it. I don't know. The last one I did, I was saying I did a heap of shows because I was like, just cram the fuckers in so I can just go get it all done and then get home. But that was too. It's like still six or so weeks without seeing my kids. I just finished filming a show down here. I don't live in Sydney. I live north. I was away from them. They had three days to build the show and then take it on. That was all bananas. This time I'm trying to do a couple of weeks, and then we're going to have a week off. The family will come over, we'll hang out in Mexico, and then I'll go back out for three weeks. But it's hard to navigate that. It's hard. Being a mom and all that.

But living on the other side of the world is really hard because most of my audience is in America.

Yeah. My only child is my own depression, usually.

I've got her as well. Don't worry. But it's outside of that little motherfucker.

I don't have to. Everything's pretty like, I can't even imagine with a family.

That cunt goes with you everywhere as You can't even leave her at home if you want to go out on the road. What do you do if you're depressed?

How many children do you have?

I have two that came out of me, but I also have two step daughters that I've had for 20 years. Yeah.

Like in Cinderella, are those step daughters?

I am. I'm Cinderella. I am. Yeah, I'm Cinderella. Of course. I've had the girls since they were two and four. They're now 21 and 23.

Okay, so they're not at the house asking for sandwiches and all?

Oh, fuck, no. When the eldest, Kaya, turned 18, I kicked the door in. Happy birthday. She said, Thanks. I went, Get out. What do you mean? I went, Consider yourself raised. Get the fuck out. Out. I love you. Out. She was like, Happy to. Yeah, get out. I'm done.

I'm open this women's door for you.

Exactly. Watch, it goes both ways. Look at that.

Yeah, but now you have new offspring?

Yeah, I got two little dudes. I got a nine-year-old who turns 10 on Monday and a 12-year-old, two boys.

Do they think It's interesting that you're this funny lady. What is their concept of their mother as a comedian? Do they have that? Do they have a concept of it?

I think they see it as my job. I will say, though, that my twelve-year-old My kids are really fucking funny, too. I don't think anything's funny, and I think they're fucking funny.

Oh, yeah.

It's really cool. Now that he's 12, he's getting it a bit more. I'll say something to my husband and he'll over here and he'll be like, Mom. I'm like, Yeah, bitch. Welcome. I'm a massive deal. Get on board. It's great.

It must be cool if your kid starts saying it and your kid starts entertaining you, low-key. That must be pretty freaking interesting because then it's like, Oh, I made that.

Absolutely. But then when they're really annoying, I'm like, I fucking did that, too. I see a lot of myself, obviously, in them, and I'm like, Yeah, that's going to be tricky for you, mate. I went through that. That's going to be hard for you. That awkward.

Yeah, that's crazy. Oh, growing up is so awkward. Do you remember whenever you got breasts or whatever?

Always had them. I was born with them. Were you really? Yeah, it was a baby with tits. It feels like it. Hold on.

Some politician will bid on you. Okay.

Wow, that's crazy. Yeah, and he's about to hit puberty, my boy. No. Yeah, it's a thing.

And what do you start to change the furniture around the house or anything? Do you put up a scratching post?

I leave. I come to Sydney for a month and I say to my husband, Fucking sucked in. Enjoy that. Or I ask him a lot. I'm like, He's been in the bathroom for ages. Is this a thing? He's like, Just chill. It's fine. He's peeing. Yeah, he's actually peeing. I'm like, I don't know if he is.

He's getting a really deep pee out.

Yeah. Just walk past his bedroom.

You got to get him a scratching post or something, like one of those cat posts. Yeah, true. I wish a lot more parents should do stuff like that or get some breasts that you nail onto the wall or something.

But isn't that what boys do? Don't they just sort it out themselves?

In some tribes, the brother will teach the younger brother how to masturbate. It doesn't seem like a shameful thing. It seems like this is a way that things are done in our culture. Yeah, right.

Are those tribes also in Ireland?

I I'm not sure where they could be.

I don't know if it's a taught thing. In all my experience, you boys just figure it the fuck out.

But you don't, though. That's the problem. You just go out into the woods or you go into some corner.

Go out to the woods.

Or you hide in a hamper at a friend's house.

That was the big- In their mom's bathroom. Just thinking- A hundred %.

We had this one kid, bro. If you ever needed him, he was in my one buddy, had a hot mom. He was in their hamper all the time.

Oh, my God.

Crack it open. He'd be in there. Oh, God.

You got a fucked up mate.

Just making organic beverages, dude. That guy was a real dirt ball, and he still is. Honestly, I think he's buying bars. I want to update everybody that we had a lawsuit from Ky, the Hitchhiker. You might be familiar. And finally, it has taken seven months, but Morgan & Morgan helped get our case dismissed. So thank you, Morgan and Morgan. And that's what it is, Ky. That's the law. If you're ever injured, you can check out Morgan & Morgan. Morgan & Morgan is America's largest injury law firm. They have over 100 offices nationwide and more than 800 lawyers. With over $15 billion recovered for over 300,000 clients clients. Morgan & Morgan has a proven track record of fighting to get you full and fair compensation. Morgan & Morgan has been fighting for the people for over 35 years. They have your back just like they had ours during tough times and when you need a little bit of help. Whistling underwater is hard, but submitting an injury claim with Morgan & Morgan is easy. If you're ever injured, you can check out Morgan & Morgan. Their fee is free unless they win. For more information, go to forthepeople.

Com/thispastweekend, or dial poundlaw, pound529 from your cell phone. That's F-O-R-Thepeople. Com/ This Past Weekend, or Pound Law, pound 529 from your cell. This is a paid advertisement. Are you struggling with keeping your website up to date and running your business? Well, you're not alone. Now, you can binge all the web design and digital marketing you want with Modify. Modify helps you with unlimited web design and redesigns, unlimited website updates, and 24/7 support, including digital advertising. Plus, you get a designated designer. Consider updating your existing website or getting a new one. They made mine, and I'm thankful for them. Visit modiphy, M-O-D-I-P-H-Y. Com/thio, for 50% off, the last website you'll ever need. That's right. Unlimited web design and redesigns, unlimited website updates, 24/7 support, digital advertising included. Plus, you get a designated designer. Go to modiphy. Com/thio for 50% off, the last website you'll ever need. I saw that the Just For Laughts Festival, speaking of Comedy Festivals, was going out of business. Did you ever go with that?

I did Montreal a couple of times. You did? Yeah. I only heard that the other day.

2024 Just For Laughts Comedy Festival, canceled. Company Seeks Creditor Protection. Wow.

Yeah, it keeps rolling. Is that just in Montreal? Because we have one in Australia. We have in Sydney, JFL. Has that been canceled?

Good question. The Montreal company that operates the Just For Lafts Comedy Festival has canceled the 2024 edition of the event. Wow. So 2024, Montreal is canceled.

Sorry, I'm learning things today. When is it usually on? I should know. I've played it. I believe it's in- In a few months, right? So that's late to cancel.

Is everyone- Fuck that. They must have made this, realized it's not going to work. A formal process under Canada has canceled the 2024 edition of the event after filing a notice of intention to make a proposal proposal to creditors. Seventy-five people were laid off Tuesday morning, according to a festival spokesperson who called the company's financial situation unsustainable.

Yeah, festivals are tricky.

The company cited lost revenues during the two years of the global pandemic and challenges facing the media industry, particularly reduced budgets at networks and streaming platforms as reasons for restructuring. Wow, it's wild when things like that start to go away. But I think things like Just for Laps, they're not as much of a No launching pad for entertainment anymore, for comedians.

It's not a money-making vehicle. I've always found it quite weird. I don't really do festivals, again, because I didn't come up through stand-up. But that idea of going there's 300 shows on over four days.

Yes, too much.

In two streets, two blocks. Each comedian has got to try and push their own fucking show up against that. I I found it weird. I know so many of my mates do those festivals. They're like, It's fucking impossible to try and sell out even 300 seats. It's impossible because my mates down the street, it's just, yeah, it's really hard.

It's like every venue in the world is selling tickets on the same night. It almost does seem ridiculous. It's like, what if all your major sports teams played on the same night?

Exactly. Well, they'd never do that with sport. No, not sacred sport. But with the arts and comedy, Fucking hell. Figure it out, you weirdos. We don't give a shit. Sport.

We went to a Sydney Swans game yesterday.

Good? Yeah. It was cool. Afl.

Yeah, AFL. It's like soccer and rugby, a little bit.

Yeah. Rugby Union, do you mean? Not rugby league.

I don't know. I couldn't tell what this... It's an interesting sport. You can't tell what sport it is. It seems like they're trying to play every sport at once.

And incredible. I don't really follow AFL, but when I do see it and talking to people who love it, they're incredible fucking athletes. They just never stop just pinning it around and throwing and kick it. It's not you run, you stop, you sit, you go get. It's nonstop. It's amazing to watch.

Yeah, it has a soccer aspect because it keeps moving. Do your boys play sports or no? Yeah.

My oldest boy loves rugby league, but I've pulled Well, he's not going to do it for a year. He wants to get his shit together. We started doing rugby Union instead. I fucking hate it.

What is rugby Union?

What's the difference? Can someone else bring this up? Here we go. Rugby league is I don't know how to describe the difference because if you watch it, it looks very similar. Everyone listening who knows sports is going to be like, This bitch trying to tell us about fucking Union. Listen up, fellows. This is how it is.

No, it's International Women's Day.

You're good. I know I'm bored because it's sport.

Well, there you go. Did you play sports when you were growing up? No.

Really? I danced.

You did? Yeah. You were a trained dancer.

Sure. Not trained, but as a kid, dance. I Every day of my life, up until I was 16, fucking loved it. Oh, it's beautiful. My main goal in life was to be a Janet Jackson backup dancer.

Oh. I love her so much. God, it's so beautiful. Yeah. I have never met her before. I've had dreams where I've met Tito Jackson.

How did that go? Yeah.

It was at a recovery meeting, but I still got to meet. I got introduced to him twice.

In these dreams?

Yeah.

Yeah, right. That's very specific.

Yeah.

Now, I'm obsessed with Janet. I saw her 1998 Velvet rope tour in Brisbane. No. Changed my life.

Where were you at?

Where was my seat? Like, row Z seat 87. What had a better seating the fucking car park? I didn't care. What were you wearing?

Just your young breasts.

Yeah, just baby tits and jeans.

I don't know if we can say that.

We probably won't say that, I reckon. I'm happy to stay for the edit, if that helps. I'm available all of a sudden. No, I'm obsessed with her, but even more so her backup dances.

Yeah, because it's so much to be a backup dancer because you're right there. You're right on the cusp of the star. You're smelling their fucking breath. If they fart, you're in it.

Absolutely. But you need to know your place. You need to know that when Janet breaks off from the group and does her thing, that's when you can go, and if I can go ham. But when she comes back, you got to make sure you fall in line. I think a lot about Taylor Swift's backup dancers. I think about them a lot. I went and saw her a few weeks ago.

You did? Yeah. Did you go alone?

No, I took my nine-year-old niece.

Beautiful.

Yeah, I'm pretty amazing.

Do you Do you think some women went alone?

No. I think people went in fucking cults together to that. With their cauldrons. Fucking hell. No, I don't think there was anyone there aligned. If they went aligned, they didn't leave aligned. It was a lot. But I think about her backup dancers. She's on tour at the moment, biggest tour in history, and Beyoncé is on tour, biggest tour in history. You just fucking know that Taylor Swift backup dancers also auditioned for that Beyoncé tour. That's tough. There's a lot of skipping around. They come out on push bikes, they bring out pompkins and do liturgical.

You don't notice half the shit they do. Next thing, one of them just has like a... They'll have a stuffed animal. They'll have a bassinet.

A hundred %.

One of them will have a drum. One of them will be just landing their ass on the other one or something. Before you know it, they have to keep it moving.

But I really noticed it. I really noticed the backup dances when Taylor would dance with them. I'm like, Oh, I want to re-corry that. Be right there. Taylor's unbelievable. I'm obsessed with her. I think she's incredible. Is she a dancer?

No.

Mate, she's not a dancer.

But she is a hype woman.

Yeah. She dances in front of 100,000 people the way that I used to dance in my bedroom alone when I was nine. I have fucking respect for that.

That's what I think it is. I think even when you see her just like at other shows, you see her dancing, you see her having a good time.

She's all teeth and elbows. But you go, great. I love that for you. Those backup dancers. Tell me they're like…

You think some of them like, That could be me. Do you think some of them have to leave the tour because their ego gets too big. That must happen.

I reckon some of them have to do a drop dance class once a week just to really hone their craft because they're not getting it on stage.

Yeah, they have to dumb it down almost, huh?

Maybe, yeah. You got to be careful with say about Taylor because the Swifties will come for you and skin you alive.

No, I'm just saying- Really? Are they bad here?

I'm not worried for you. I'm fucking worried for me. You talked about tits on a baby. You're already fucked. I go for Taylor. I don't think we should. No, that's good.

Look, I'm okay with a lot of surgeries. I don't think that's one of them.

No, Taylor. I think she's great. I just don't know if she's a dancer.

Some of the stuff you see at the shows is you will see a lot of people filming their child, trying to get their child onto like, Look, Taylor, this is little Dino or whatever. Phoebe, yeah. Yeah. This is Chloe, and she's your- Biggest fan. Biggest fan. She's eating a bowl of fucking glitter or something.

Tears, yeah. Tears and resentment. Three and a half hour concert.

Wow.

Fucking hell, that's a lot. I went to the bathroom at one point and I came back to my niece and I said, Oh, Taylor's. She got changed during this song. My niece went, No, it's a different song. I went, It's fucking not. It's all the same. I thought it was the same song. She's like, No, it's a completely different song.

Oh, yeah. I was so high One time I went to Green Day and the opening band performed, and I thought that was Green Day.

Who was your opening band? Dua Lepa. I think it was likechingy or something. Oh, wow. Did you leave after it? That was great. I was on my way out. That was great. There's heaps of cabs available, like an Uber. This is awesome.

I was on my way out. What else is going on? Oh, yeah. So one thing that people love about you, obviously, so much is just like, bucking the beauty trend and taking on beauty in such a ridiculous way. Is it like beauty? Or is it just like, what is the fulcrum of what you feel like you like to pinpoint? Because you have so many videos of shit that's like, yeah, like somebody in the rain drinking a soap, just like things that normally they make it look all sexy and erotic. You just make it look like real humans. Like, what if we all did this? Yeah, I think because-Cut of like Taylor Swift's dancing.

Exactly the same. Taylor and I are the same. We're exactly the same. We're like and dance. I think just that whole idea of unrealistic ideals of women being sold as realistic Yeah. Before social media, you get a magazine or whatever you see in the media.

Magazine drawing or something.

Yeah. You're like, oh, it's Cindy Crawford being fucking amazing. She's on a motorbike in a bikini on an Empire State building drinking a Pepsi. You know what that is? It's an edited thing, and that's what it's been sold as. Then social media came out and similar ideas are being pushed. But it's like, this is what I look like dropping the kids off at school, or like, This is my morning routine. It's 4:00 AM and she's in a bikini and she's doing yoga on a beach. She's got a green juice and her kids are gorgeous. Just doing school drop off. I'm like, Bitch, that's not what fucking school drop off looks like. That idea of it being sold.

It's trash.

You know what? It's fucking hard because then when you get it on your phone, you already hate yourself. It's 3:00 AM and you're breastfeeding your child who won't fucking breastfeed, but you have to breastfeed them because if you don't breastfeed them, you're a shit mom. You may as well give him a fucking meth pipe because that's something else we have to be doing.

He's also 11, which is a little crazy.

Exactly. He fucking hates you. You're scrolling through your phone and then you see these images and they get into that psyche. I was like, That's bullshit. Oh, yeah.

It's like, why do I have to feel bad?

I already feel bad, but at least I could put the fucking magazine down or turn the fucking TV off. Then we get these in our hands and you If you put that down, you'll fucking explode. They just peppered. I was like, No, I call bullshit to that. I call absolute bullshit to that. I still do.

Yeah. Then here's the worst part is I think that then your brain starts to feel bad or something, then you release some thing in your breast milk, and now your kid fucking feels bad. Yeah, absolutely. Your kid's all fucking pissed or whatever. A hundred %. Because some check with no kids is fucking showing her tits near a toaster oven or whatever making breakfast.

Yeah, exactly. She's not making that breakfast. But I also wanted to show the other. I'm sure there are people out there that do sail on a yacht to drop their kids off to school in bikinis and incredible. Not everyone's like that. That's not represented. It's not represented.

Kind of true, huh? Why do we get afraid, I think, to share whatever is probably really real, I guess?

I think it's shifting, though. Yeah. And I think maybe because it's boring, it's not aspirational. And we have to constantly, especially in the public eye or in the media, got to be aspirational. Someone asked me in an interview yesterday, well, what's next? You got to go to a world tour, you're doing this? You're doing that. So I'm going to lie the fuck down. That's what I want to do. I want to try and figure out how to live one day without anxiety and sleep for longer than four hours. That's a goal of mine. It doesn't always have to be, I'm going to do this, I'm going to do that, I'm going to do this. That's the stuff of social media, too.

Yeah, well, I think it definitely creates a world of like, I have to do something else.

Yeah, what's next? What's next? Because People have seen it next, seen it next, seen it now. Even in TV now with streamers, consume television on streaming services the way we consume TikTok.

This is one of the crazy things that happen. You start to not even value. You don't even realize much production goes into television stuff. People don't even value it as much anymore. They value it as like, if this doesn't get my attention pretty quick or I'm not in, I move on. It's almost like you scroll past it. To think that that much production and time and creativity and everything would go into a program and you would just scroll right past it. It's one of the reasons I think, why even JFL are saying that there's problems because there's just tightening budgets at all those places because they can't figure out how to make it where people are sticking around.

People want everything for free. But that's what the industry and society, social media, all that stuff is put out there. It's like, if you don't binge this show in two days, you're a fucking idiot because we've got 40 other shows that are coming up that everyone else is watching. You have to keep up watching it. If you don't, well, then aren't you a loser? How dare you watch one episode a day, fuckhead. That's the whole thing. Then it totally- Who cares if your children can't read this fucking second episode of Griselda, you little bitch. Bridgerton 65 is coming out. You're not onto it yet. I think that really dilutes the quality of what we see because Bridgerton, for example, you watch that, it drops and you binge it in two days, and then everyone loves it, and they're like, You have to make another one. Instead of going, All right, well, let's go and develop some scripts. We'll get some writers there. What draft do you usually shoot on? Oh, 10th draft. Fuck that. Second draft, shooting draft. Go, go.

Elizabeth needs yellow fever or whoever the characters are. Yeah, exactly.

Just absolutely dilute the quality of it.

Put Bridgerton in a fucking coma and let's fucking keep it moving.

Episode one, but episode two, fucking bring them out. Keep going.

Yeah. Things start to lose quality because we want things so fast.

Yeah. It used to be... It's always been a tough industry and challenging. Kind of like that about it, but it's fucking brutal now.

And what is the acting side? Yeah, trying to get- That seems impossible.

I had a show on Netflix that went really well. It fucking killed. Yeah, well made. Yeah, it went really well, and it didn't get renewed. They said because of numbers, but the numbers were really good. You just have to keep up. You can only control that so much.

A lot of these people making those choices have no idea.

Or accountants.

Well, they have no idea what's cool. That's also one of the things that I do like about people being able to make their own content and have their own voice is because those people thought they knew everything, and they don't know shit. It's not good. No. Now, their old festivals are falling apart. Their networks are making shit that nobody's paying attention to. I think it's part of the problem. I mean, I'm probably a little jaded, too. A similar thing happened to me, but it's like they tried to get so woke. I don't know. In the US, the Comedy Central got so woke and everything. They put on people that weren't even fucking comedians making shows. It was just like... Then now, They want to come and offer you $500 to come make a show with them.

Get fucked. Yeah, with your special. Absolutely. They're like, We're going to give you 16 cents for your special. The one that I sold out worldwide and made a fuck ton of money on, you can't have that.

I know. You can't have that. Yeah. Did that feel scary? Because I guess when you're an actor, getting a show is such a huge thing.

It was awesome. I fucking loved it.

It was so fun. I have to watch it. I haven't seen it. I just saw that. I know that you did it, and that's I know.

I was executive producer on it as well, which I fucking love.

Really? Did you get one of those little chairs with the black back on it?

No, I didn't. Fucking hell. I should have got that. I got an ego, though. A massive ego from it. I just loved it. It was a show that was built around me. It was a dream situation. It was a book that was then turned into a show, and they wanted to build it around me and had awesome people on it, and we made it. It was fucking wicked. I loved it. I loved the story as well of being a woman, 41 now, on screen, being big and loud and flawed and annoying and weird and exciting. Before we're talking about audiences and People come up to me in the street and just like, women. They're like, I fucking saw myself in that character. We don't see that much, right? I love that. I really, really would have loved to have extended that and given more to that story and seen more in that as well as being the lead in a fucking show for a second season and executive producer. I'm not hiding that. I enjoyed that. No, of course. Yeah. The whole experience was awesome.

Well, it sounds like it. I want to go back and watch it. I like some Australian shows. I like Bondi Rescue, and I like Chris Lilley's shows.

Yeah. Have you seen all of his stuff from the beginning?

I think I've seen everything. The problem is, well, Netflix took half of They used to have it up.

Have you seen Summer Heights High? Yeah. And have you seen We Can Be Heroes? Stop looking at my dick. Fuck you, miss. Sorry for saying, Fuck you, miss.

Mr. G. Mr. G. Oh, it's so good.

She's a nutty girl with a bad habit, a bad habit for drugs. Ecstasy. Ecstasy. I fucking love him. Did you see We Can Be Heroes? That was his first one. We Can Be Heroes. No, we have Australian of the Year in Australia.

Yes. I have seen it. It takes place at a school as well.

Well, it's all, again, different characters all over Australia who are nominated to be Australian Of The Year. And he plays all of them. It's worth watching. I'll have to go back and watch it again. Yeah, go and find it for sure. It's great.

The only place I got on Summer High Tide was on YouTube, and it's somebody else watching it on their television and then putting the episode up. Are you serious? Yeah. Where was it? It's very Vietnamese.

Where was it? Was it on Netflix?

No, this was It used to be somewhere good. But remember, they tried to cancel him here. That was the dumbest shit ever. He's a fucking legend.

Chris is hilarious. Yeah, I don't know. I dropped off after Summer Heights High for no fucking reason. I didn't really see much of that stuff after that.

He was so good.

Hang on. Yes, I did. What was his year?

Year 12.

Nathan, those brothers. Fuck, that was funny. Nathan, screaming in his next What about when the other kid comes up that's a better dancer than him? It was so fucking crazy. Mr. G, that character. Oh, and Jamais.

So good.

So good.

God, that was so good. He was clever. That was like the sign felt of Australia, I feel like, in a way.

Yeah.

Because it's so on the nose and perfect. You're like, Could anything get more perfect than that? I got to meet him once. Oh, yeah, right. Yeah. I got to meet him once, and I So, yeah. It was just, yeah.

Was it also meeting him?

I've never met him. Yeah, it was also. He came on the podcast last time I was in Australia.

Great.

Yeah, it was super. I came downstairs in the hotel and he's just standing off to the side. He has this shyness, I guess. Curious guy.

I'm interested that he did your podcast because I don't think he does much, doesn't he? I don't think he does a lot of stuff like that. I don't think he does anything.

I felt super stoked about it. I'm going to try to get to say hey to him before I leave town. He said he's out of town right now.

Yeah, right. He's a funny guy.

Yeah.

Did you ever see Cath and Kim? Cath and Kim? Cath and Kim. It's another Australian show that's fucking brilliant. It's about suburban Australia.

Sean and Marley, I like. Have you seen them? No. It's like recipes and down syndrome, basically. It's like a little- Is it Australian? Yeah. That's good. Why don't I know that? Yeah, it's quality form content. Good telly.

Good telly?

Sean is more of a bit of a bit. He can get a little agitated sometimes if the vegetables aren't right.

Hang on, wait. Is this a TV? It's YouTube.

This is YouTube. It's really great. Sean and Marley, one of them has down syndrome, I believe. I believe they are, I don't know if they're Christian or not, but they're Asian. Well, we can't watch it, but they're great, though. If you could see them, really wonderful. For sure. Mom, what else are you thinking about?

What else am I thinking about? My kid's got a football game this afternoon.

Are you going to make it?

No, the second half.

Yeah, Mom.

He said to me on the phone, he's like, Mom, will you make it to the game? My nine-year-old. I went, Look, my flight gets in 20 minutes before you start. Because that's okay. You can just come to the second half. I was like, You're the fucking best, man.

That was nice of him.

He's fucking wicked.

Dude, my mom would sit in the third, out in the outfield in the van, and she would say, Hit it or we're leaving. And she would fucking lay on the horn if we were-What did you play? Play baseball. Right.

Hit it or we're leaving.

And we would. Because she didn't want to wait for the second time for the batters to go around.

I just got shit to do.

Because I didn't get to play much in the field. They would put me out there, but it was like, they didn't want me out there.

Did you like it?

I didn't like it.

What? Being in the outfield or playing at all?

I just didn't like being out there, I guess. I don't know. It was I didn't like about it, I guess. I didn't like the heat out there. You always feel like you're supposed to do yard work. You feel like a farmer out there with all this land. In like left field, you don't have any seed, you don't have any mules.

You're like- Fucking around with your own thoughts. That's never good when you got depression, man. You're like, This farm sucks. I'm just wondering where the nearest fucking bridge is. This isn't good for me. They're long games, right? Baseball, long.

Oh, so long.

It's like cricket.

Fucking long. Oh, cricket seems unbelievably ridiculous. It seems like they shouldn't do That's what it seems like to Americans.

It also seems like they don't really do it. I'm like, You don't do fucking much. Then all of a sudden, something happens and everyone shits themselves. No, four people of the 50,000 people that are fucking standing out there playing get excited for 10 minutes, and everyone goes home. It's all across the news. What happened?

It lasts for three days, too.

Yeah. Isn't there a 10-day test? Yeah, it goes forever.

That's crazy. It reminds me of an Indian wedding. A lot of Indian weddings are like Yeah, but they look fun. Oh, yeah. I think it's a lot more fun than a game of cricket, probably.

I think anything is a lot more fun than a game of fucking cricket.

Thank you. I really do. I've been wanting to say that, but I think I always be afraid to say it because I'm like, oh, people are going to get pissed. Cricket. You probably can't say it. But you know what? Fuck that, man. I'll say this. The shit looks fucking ridiculous. The helmet looks absolutely insane. It looks unbelievably bad.

How do you feel about American football then? Because they look like fucking idiots.

I think I agree with you.

There's this clip on YouTube of NFL players watching rugby league games. Because it's fucking brutal league. They have some padding. Oh, yeah.

Rugby seems way more- But they run at each other and they just demolish each other.

That's why I don't have my kids doing it. But it's really funny footage of these massive NFL players going, What the fuck? They can't I can't believe it.

Really?

Yeah. I mean, that's illegal. That's a spear tackle. Ten in the bin. Oh, my God. It's so full on.

Look out, mate, behind you. Oh, my God. It makes my penis hurt.

Yeah, it should. It makes my penis hurt. Fuck.

Good God.

Then he's got to get him. It's really brutal.

Yeah, when I see a lot of pain, I feel it in my genitalia.

Yeah, right.

Is that a weird thing you think that happens to people?

I think men just talk about their genitalia in general. Kind of weird. Yeah.

Sorry about that.

That's okay.

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To learn more about Valor Recovery, please visit them at valorrecoverycoaching. Com or email them at admin@valorrecoverycoaching. Com. The links will be on the YouTube. Again, there's no commitment when you reach out to them. But I promise you, only something positive will come from you reaching out and figuring out what type of help, if any, could benefit you. Thank you. Yeah, how weird is it, I guess, if your child's going through puberty, you got You got to fuck. Do you have to sit down with him? What do parents do? Do you ever talk with your husband about how to do that?

Yeah, it goes like this. Fucking talk to him. No. That's how I do it. Really? I try and talk to him. We got an email from his school saying, Just so you know, this term we're doing, sex ed, we're going to be talking about. I said to my son, Sucked in. You're going to get it at school. We do. We try and talk to him, but they know. Fucking our kids know shit.

Yeah, they know. But I think sex ed is when it gets really weird because then it's like somebody is talking about it and everybody's in the same room at the same time. They had a doll. I remember they passed around a doll in our class, which was crazy. I'm like, people are like, abuse in this doll. There was a male doll and a female doll. But I think it's because you remember that energy? Did you have to go to sex ed?

I don't remember it at all. What? Yeah. I don't remember. Maybe I wasn't at school when it was at... We have this thing in Australia called Healthy Harold, and this fucking van comes around to each school. Harold is the character. He's a giraffe, and you go into the Healthy Harold van, and they have figurines, and it's like, this is what a uterus looks like, or this is what skin can… Like skin or like eyes. It's like a little petting Zoom. See? But Then I remember Healthy Harold comes. It's a lot. Then Healthy Harold comes back, and then they talk about sex ed. Maybe I didn't go. Isn't that weird? I don't remember the whole…

Healthy Harold.

Condom on a banana thing. I don't remember any of that. Maybe I just skipped it.

Well, that's pretty interesting that they use a giraffe to do it, and he comes around.

My poppy's name was Harold as well. I was like, I'm fucking good not learning about this in a weird dark van.

We are getting into a van, I think, but that happens to a lot of people have gotten into a van.

He learned a lot of shit. He learned a lot of shit in a van.

Actually, it's not a bad idea. Almost like an ice cream truck that just goes around with facts about sex.

Yeah. You just need to get parents to sign off on it. You're laughing. We do try to talk to my boy a bit about it.

Yeah, that's the thing I would wonder, what are you... And what's the school saying? Beware, it's Schuberty Month or whatever?

Yeah, it's not. They're like, You think it's International Women's Day. It's not. It's, We're teaching your kid about shit. I know. It was just letting us know that they're going to be talking about a menstrual cycle. No. I'm full on at home with that with my boys. I'm in a house full of dick, so I talk about that a lot. I'm like, I've got my period. Getting my period. Everyone look alive and everyone, gird your loins because here's, I'm firing some fucking warning shots because it's not looking good for any of you guys for a while. But now my nine-year-old will be like, Mom, did you want something? If I'm like, I've got my period. Really? Do you want something? Yeah, I got good kids. Wow. Yeah. Raising good boys.

That's beautiful. That's sweet.

That's nice. I also have heard my husband walk into the kitchen and say to my boys, Boys, it's fucking back off. Get out of here. I can hear him whispering. They're like, Get out of here. It's not good.

Take it easy today, guys. Yeah. Wow. Will you guys have any more children, you think? No. No. Oh, so less.

No, I've got 100. I'm good. I do have my... I'm really busy with work, and I'm like, maybe if I just have a baby, I don't have to do any of this. I just stop and just have a baby because that's easy.

People have babies all the time, I think, just so they can get out of work or something or not to do something.

Men do that. Women don't do that. You think? Yeah, that's a men thing.

That's not a woman thing. So men are like, I'll have this baby, and then it'll make-Let's have a kid.

It's just easier. The woman's like, Yeah, sure. Then she does it. She's like, I fucking hate you, man. No. I hate everything about you.

Men will do that, huh?

Yeah.

Fuck, dude. We're sick. We're sick, man.

I do think about that, though, sometimes. And my youngest really wants me to have another baby because he wants to be a big brother. But I'm hoping my step daughters will hurry up and get pregnant, I'm like, That will work for me.

As long as somebody fulfills that space a little bit, I think that's super important. What else was saying? There was a bunch of beauty tips I was going to ask you because so many things you went through with about beauty and different things we're talking about. Like a lot of your videos.

Do you have a- That's not me.

This is not you, no. But go on. Bring that back up, though. What is some of these? I just wanted to think, what do you think about some of these new ones that people are doing?

Nose blush. What? You just make your nose pink?

Yeah, I think it's sweeping bright blush across your face, on your nose.

Who wants to highlight the bridge of their nose?

I think it started probably with COVID or something, probably because people were sick anyway. I think people are like, I might as well fucking look really bad.

Yeah, I mean, fuck off. That's not a thing.

Snale skincare. Yeah, this is where I guess, people are putting snails, and this must be a... This is Asian thing. Yeah, popularizing Korea spread across Asia. The texture of the snail slam on your face is already giving us the heebie-jeebies. Actually, a snail on your face would feel fucking wild, huh?

Yeah, I could feel that in a very specific part of my spine. That's weird. It would be the actual, for me, the slow movement of the snail. I'm just not interested. I'm happy. I would rather look like a hat full of assholes than if I can sit through that. I'm not doing that.

It's not even a movement. It's just a casual Visual.

Yeah. Never-ending.

Yeah. Almost seems nice. I think it depends on where you put it at. That was quite nice. I don't know if it's soothing or not, though. You know what My friend Caleb told me, he told me that, this is the neatest thing I've ever heard, that you can look at anything and know what it will feel like on your tongue because when you were a baby, you put everything in your mouth. What?

I can look at anything.

You can look at anything, material or anything, and you can know what it will feel like on your tongue.

Yeah, right.

That's cool. It's crazy. You can look at anything. But he said it's because you tried everything when you were a child.

That doesn't check out because when I look at those lights, I know how it feels on my tongue, but that's not because I shove lights in my face as a baby.

Maybe not, but do you shove certain fat? It's just like, did we taste every You know what I'm saying? Did we taste every surface without even- Sand, all that shit. Yeah. Because it's weird. Once I start thinking about it, you're- Now I'm freaking out a little bit, looking around. How does our tongue know everything?

I think sometimes Sometimes, I said this to my kids the other day, sometimes when I've got so much on, and because I've got ADHD as well, when I'm really overwhelmed, I can feel the front part of my brain. I can actually it. When I think about that, I'm like, What other parts of me, if I think hard enough about them, can I feel that you don't usually think about? Do you know what I mean? Same with if I had a drink of water or something free, and Then someone tried to talk to me, and I had to answer them, and I couldn't swallow. I was like, Hang on. Then I went, I forgot how to fucking swallow all of a sudden because—don't say that—because you don't have to think about swallowing. It just It happens. When you do think about it, you forget how to do it. I'm boring myself, but sometimes I can feel the front part of my brain when I'm overthinking. I feel it's the same thing about that tongue thing. I don't usually think that I can feel my tongue until I think about it. We're going to put this part on the calm app to put people to sleep.

Yeah, welcome to Calm app.

We will make a good Calm app episode. It's so fucking sick of myself. Jesus Christ.

Welcome to call me.

This is going to tell you about the front part of her fucking brain to put you to sleep.

You're in a beautiful open field. What's that, a bird?

What does that feel like on your tongue?

Calm down. Dude, if we made a Calm app episode, that'd be so fire. It'd be so good, wouldn't it?

It would be so… Harry styles is on it.

He's on there doing calm app shit?

Yeah, but it's fucking great because he reads you a story. At the beginning of it, he's like, Hello, Harry Stiles here. I'm going to read you a story. I'm like, Fuck, all right, Harry, why don't you read me a little story? It's really nice. Wow. Yeah.

Yeah, that would be good. I'm trying to think of some good ones I would like to hear maybe from Randy Quaid, maybe.

Lebron does one, too.

He does?

Yeah, it's good.

I feel like if Kai Sonat did one, it would be pretty fucking fire, too. But I don't know for what his would be like. Maybe that would be great if everybody started making those.

Lots of people do them. I was quite surprised when I saw it, I was like, Fuck, there must be money in that.

Do you do any impressions or impersonations?

I'm not that talented, unfortunately.

Did you ever try them? Try to work on it for a while or think about it?

No, not really. I had a little moment of wanting to do SNL back in the day before anyone gave a shit about who I was, but I was like, I'm not really good at that stuff. I fucking think it's amazing, though. People that do it. It blows my mind.

Did you see Shane Gillis on there?

No. Who's that?

He's an American He's a really entertaining guy. Very funny. He had gotten kicked off of the show. They had hired him.

As a cast member? Mm-hmm.

They hired him as a cast member a while, three years ago. Then the next day, they looked at some old episode from a podcast or something and said something on it, and they took him off. They said, We changed our minds. Then he blew up since then, and he has a huge career. Now they just had him back as a guest. Oh, wow.

Did he host?

Yeah, he hosted.

Yeah, right.

I thought it was interesting. I thought he was going to say at the last minute- Fuck you. Can't make it, guys. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, wow. I wish that he would, but I don't know if that's just a petty part of me that wish that.

I have that in me as well. Yeah.

Sometimes that petty part of you just shows up.

Oh, God, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, quite a lot for me. I could be quite petty.

Does it feel like... Jesus.

Air conditioning.

Yeah. Is Is it really, you think?

Now, when you think about it, because you've been traveling a lot, right? You're in hotels, you're on planes. My voice is busted. When I tour, the same thing. It's the air conditioning, it's just cold synthetic air. It's never right, is it? No. That's why when I get hotel rooms, I always try to get an open a fucking window. Because it's been, like I say, four days I've been in a hotel or in a car or anything like that. Studios are cold. So, yeah, it just bursts my voice.

Sometimes when I go to certain places, I'll stay in a place that doesn't have any air condition. At first you're like, this sucks. But by the second night, you get into this real natural pattern. Yeah.

Your body self-regulates itself with heat and everything. It's so much better for you. But yeah, it buckles my voice.

I'm actually going to have some free water. Well, you said you have ADHD, huh? Mm-hmm. How did you get it?

I just bought it at the store. Just go down and fucking pick it up.

So it's not something that's developed?

No, born with it. Well, I don't think. I was born with it. I was diagnosed at 16. Been medicated on and off for ever. I fucking hate it.

You really? Yeah.

I really struggle with it. I find it really hard.

How do you notice it? Because sometimes I wonder, how do you notice it? Where do you notice it? Because 16 is a young age to diagnose somebody with something, but that's how we do it.

And especially in the '90s as well. It's everywhere now, which is great. People talk about it so much now. But back then, ADHD was just like, Shut up and sit down, have a pill, fuck off. It's not just a hyperactivity thing. It's lacking in dopamine and all that. I just run in circles. I can't grab a thought. I find it as I get older, it's getting harder. It's weird. Like, as I say, I'm medicated for it, but the medication makes me anxious. It's like, which fucking devil do you choose to hang out with? You're going to be like, well, I'll just be scattered and full on. Or not as scattered, not as full on, but anxious as fuck. I don't know if it's a career thing as well, with more success and all that, with so much going on and so much demand. But I find it hard to cop a break with it. It bums me hard. See all this stuff online, people are like, ADHD. I find it. It's like my superpower. I'm like, Fuck you. I don't find that at all. People, again, I think it might be a social media thing.

It's great. It means I can do that and do that and do that and do that. I can't do that or that or half of that or any of that. I've got a heap of people that work for me, and I fucking hate them all because they don't do enough for me. It's just I find it exhausting. It's the dopamine thing. We don't produce dopamine, that fucking drug that makes you happy.

Damn.

It's hard. I find it really, really hard.

People with ADHD don't produce dopamine?

I think it's harder. It's a lot harder for us to produce dopamine. Can you look it up? Like 10 times harder, I think it is. What? I feel that on a fucking cellular level, trying to write a stand-up show.

You need the dopamine. You need the excitement.

I need a brain that can work, that can go, That's funny. That's funny. Bring it in.

People with ADHD have at least one defective gene. Oh, damn, your shit's messed up.

Yeah, we're fucking- The DRD2 gene makes it difficult for neurons to respond to dopamine.

The neurotransmitter that has evolved in feelings of pleasure and the regulation of attention.

Can you please tell me what... See, I have to read it again. Can you please tell me what the DRD2 gene is? Is that just... I wonder if that's what's in Ritalin.

Your DRD. Dopamine Receptor D2, also known as D2R, is a protein that in humans is encoded by the DRD2 gene.

Yeah, dopamine.

The dopamine D2 Receptor is the main receptor for most antipsychotic drugs. The structure of DR2 in complex with the atypical. It's not helping me.

No. It's so many words for me right now.

Yeah, it's a lot.

Pretty pictures, though. You're not going to get an ADP. I did. I was like, They look like streamers. That's what I thought when I looked at that.

Because I'd say, What if I take an antidepressants? I got off three months ago, and then I just got back on two days ago. I just couldn't take it anymore.

I was on antidepressants. Coming off, though, actually, my last stand-up show, I talk a lot about that. That's no fucking joke. Coming Off Those. Did you find it really hard?

Yeah, I found it hard. I found the harder part for me is realizing that I have to go back on right now because I think I didn't want to have to be back on. Traveling in Australia has been... It's just been tough. It's been tough to... I had a good pattern of fitness and stuff at home, and I've still been doing well, but just not as organized. Your sleep patterns get off. It put me in a real… I got real angry, and then I got in a real tough spot, and I just didn't know what else to do. I was like, I think I just have to get back on them. I think part of me was really bummed out that I had to.

Yeah, I understand that. I remember when I had to go, I was on them, then I went off and went back on them, and I thought the same thing. I was like, I don't want to be trapped on it. I I felt trapped on antidepressants. It takes so long to come off them. Coming off them, it takes six weeks. You have to wean yourself off. I was like, I don't want to have to do that again.

Well, I got on them 20 years ago. I'm like, Have I And the tough part is I don't have a lot of feelings. I have feelings, but it's hard to know what they are because the antidepressants just make everything feel the same. And then a lot of times, some feelings I don't process. I get in this tough spot where I'll get off the antidepressants so I can have feelings. But then sometimes if I'm not careful, there's some pitfalls, and that can get pretty deep. And so it's just tough because... And it's like, well, I want to get married or something one day. I start thinking, Well, I don't even know how I feel about people sometimes. If I'm dating, it's hard for me to even know because it's just hard for me to access my feelings.

Yeah, they're numbing, aren't they? Blunting. They're blunting.

Yeah, everything feels the same. It's like, Oh, man, I just saw that dog get hit by a bus. Or do I like Sharon?

Yeah, exactly. It's the same feeling.

I was like, I have to get off of these, or I'm just going to be stuck in this cycle of not knowing how I feel about someone. But then it's just gotten too steep recently. I'm going to get back on. I am back on now, and then maybe I'll get off whenever I get back home.

When I'm touring, I'm in the best routine. Isn't that weird? When I'm at home, I'm so fucking scattered with the kids and life. I think because I probably have my husband there as well. I'm like, help.

And is a husband helpful or is a husband not helpful?

No, he's brilliant.

Let's get to the bottom of it.

Yeah, that's the only reason I'm here.

Really? Yeah. To tell you how- He's with the children. To tell you how great my...

Yeah. Damn. He's all time. No, he's brilliant.

Is it hard to love somebody after you're married for a while? Does it get different?

It's not hard to love him. We've been together for 20 years.

Oh, wow.

I think... I mean, he's the only thing I've committed to. I don't just mean person. I mean thing. I PhD, you can't. I don't know how to really, really, really crave stability, yet I'm fucking terrified by it, but I need it. I have that with him. It's different, sure. But I love stability, and I get that from him.

That's nice.

It's so great.

Was it hard to make that decision? Yeah, because I think I have a tough time with commitment. It's like, fucking the last thing I want to do.

Well, I think I'm a goal-orientated person as well. I met him and went, Let's go. I also fell pregnant, so we got married. Oh, you Did. Yeah, but we were together for- Two months. Yeah, week and a half. No, eight years.

Wow.

Yeah, ages. Long distance. We've always been long distance. You have?

Yeah. Something nice about it. It's almost a romantic in long distance. Like you're coming back from war. Yeah. He's going off with the troops or whatever.

Absolutely. He's at home making things for me, making it nice.

Making the weapons? Yeah.

Making the pie that I eat when come in. Now with touring and being away for work, we're used to it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Do Australian comedians feel like they have to go to America? You have to get that American audience? Is there a feeling like that?

I don't think so. I mean, for me, yes, because my audience is there because of the internet. But there's some fucking brilliant Australian comics, some of my favorite that are here and are killing it here and don't have to go anywhere. Oh, it's nice. Sure, they probably want to go do what they want to do, but killing it here. They don't need to. Because it's a smaller pool as well. A lot of our comedians are all on TV as well. They get great jobs on telly. They don't need to worry about fucking off over there.

I know. It's so nice here. It's so safe. That's the craziest thing. It's like, you can go somewhere and you're not going to get killed.

Well, yeah, by a gun, you might buy a fucking shark.

Yeah, but you're going to notice that your pants are getting wet first before you're like- When you go swim in the ocean, you're like, Today, I might be the fucking dad.

Yeah, but not just walking down the street.

Yeah, you know it's milling in a park and it's all fucking- Yeah, exactly.

Tarantula just runs at your face.

Some dope shark just rolls up on you.

Fucking alligator comes after you.

Oh, we have a... Yeah, it's one of our most dangerous animals over there is just homeless people when- Is the gun. Drugs and the gun. Can you imagine if guns were all over your country?

I fucking can't. When I'm over there in the States, I'm like, We rolled into a place when I was doing a show on the last tour, and 500 meters down the street, there was a shooting at the local mall. I was like, Are we alerting authorities to get me the fuck out of here? It's the biggest thing in the world for us. It's the biggest. If there's a shooting, we're in New South Wales. If there's a shooting in fucking Queensland, I'm telling you, alarms will go off here.

I remember then these Someone came to my show that night and I do a meet and greet after.

It's that thing as well. Do I talk about it when I get on stage? What do I do? It was so close by. Three people were fucking shot and killed. Sorry, I didn't know they were done. No, but it's like, What the fuck? Then you make the decision not to talk about it because it's like, I'm giving you guys an hour of laughter, and I don't want to be that Australian that comes in and goes, You guys are fucked. Then I did a meet and greet, and there was this group of women after. I was talking to them. They were carrying a casket. I was like, That's really full on with what happened. They just glazed over. They didn't care. Well, no, they just… You have to because they got to put their kids on a fucking school bus the next day and send them off to school. It's like, Yeah, anyway, do you miss your kids when you travel without them? Oh, you guys have different coping mechanisms than we have. It's built different.

Oh, well, no, it's gotten extremely just severe and bizarre over there.

It blows my mind.

People are wishing their children well and getting them kevlar and stuff for Christmas and like, bullet resistant things.

It's just- All the debates that go on after there's a shooting, they're like, Well, you know why this is? It's because some random man had an issue once with his mother and found a... I'm like, What's the end of that sentence? A gun. You fuck heads. Like, what the fuck?

I agree with you, but how would you get... That's the The problem is at this point, there's no- No, you're fucked.

You're so far in with your NRA and everyone's all up in everyone.

It's like, how would you get all the guns?

Well, we did a buyback system in Australia. You did? We had a mass shooting, Port Arthur, 96, was it? It was the greatest mass shooting we've had in this country. Then our government did a buyback system. You got $300 for everyone who brought in their fucking guns. Sure, there's psychos who No one gets my guy. But we did a buyback system.

In America, I bet you would get 20,000 guns.

Shot in the face. Hey, I have an idea. Fuck off. Okay. Yeah.

You would get... You're right.

Shot in the fucking face. You got to cut all this out because now I'm terrified when I go to America, I'm going to shot in the fucking face.

No, you're not getting shot. I sent a DM to Pablo Escobar's wife when she got out of prison, and I haven't been killed yet. I didn't know. I thought she was single. I thought- Oh, you sent it like a fucking DM. I didn't say like- Oh, I thought you were like, Congratulations, he's out.

I wish you both all the best now. Oh, dude.

I just said, Ola mama. But still, I think, yeah, people could perceive that wrong. But you're going to be fine. But yeah, it's so crazy. You don't realize how less stress I feel being here. It's like, I don't even want to go back. Part of me doesn't even want. It's so fucking scary. You don't realize that there's always this thought in the back of your head that somebody's going to just- He's got a gun. I think all the time. The shooters are the worst. They show up, they kill 19 people. They're just trying to shoot one guy.

Fucking hell.

They have the worst aim. We got to start training these kids to shoot better.

I'm going to stay out of that one. I reckon I got in enough. I'm doing everything I can to get the fuck out of this now. Cancel my tour. I'm not going. I don't care.

I don't know what the solution is. But yes- I do.

Fucking guns.

I agree with you, but how do you get rid of them? Because the criminals are not going to turn them in, and the guy that's afraid the criminal isn't going to turn it in, isn't going to turn it in.

Don't you have incentives to buy guns over there? You open a bank account, you get a gun.

Maybe start there. People don't want… Yeah, nobody would. It's just too ingrained in the culture.

Yeah, no one's going to like it. It's like having a belly button.

If you try to take somebody's fucking belly button.

You get shot in the face.

People would be pretty toed or pissed off. Have you seen?

I'm sure you have. It's very popular, Jim Jeffrey's bit on gun control in America. It's good.

He's so good. He's spot on. He's such a legend. Have you got to meet him?

No. That bit he does is fucking brilliant. It terrifies me, though, when I'm over there.

It terrifies us. It's really not cool.

I run my mouth a lot. When I get there, I'm like, Why can't?

Because- But you guys are charming. You guys are like when the rare white Wombat comes to the zoo or whatever. I feel like that's what it's like when Australians come. People want to go see what's going on. Look at them. They're in the cage.

You're fine. You got your fine.

Give them a celery.

Is that all British? I just feel like people are so intrigued about seeing you guys.

But there is a peacefulness over here. What else is it about it?

Have you been to New Zealand?

Yeah, we went to New Zealand.

That's where it's at. I fucking love it. It's beautiful. I love it over there.

It's very unique.

It's magical. I'd move there in a heartbeat.

We went to Auckland as well, and you meet people who are making sounds, and they don't know what they're saying. Or they're using only vowels. I met people use only vowels. Zero continent. You're like, Wow, come fucking out.

You look like a a fucking witch then.

I saw a guy, he sprained his fucking spine trying to finish a sentence.

I think you just maybe ran into someone who happened to be on fucking ice. That doesn't... It's not how New Zealand does speak.

It could have been- Like the one dude who's on fucking meth in the street you rock up and talk to. There could have been some tranquies going on. Let's bring up that one video of this girl. You see this video of this young lady. It's so funny.

When you're putting your mind to it, you know exactly what to do indoors. How was that for you? It was amazing. I mean, it was such a strong race. We were all running so fast, multiple running in the 50s, so I knew I had to go out fast.

I'd like it in front of me, so I wanted to be in front then. That's a beautiful- I could hear her over, and she was behind me.

Hang on. Where's she from? What accent is that?

I can't get past it. That's Disney's, bro. She's from Disney. Oh, Sorry.

Can you play? Let's play it again. Is that all right if we could play it again? I just need to fucking know. Again, you know what I can feel right now? The front part of my fucking brain. You know exactly what to do- She's British. Indoors. How was that for you? What are you? It was amazing. I mean, It was such a strong race. We were all running so fast, multiple running in the 50s, so I knew I had to go out fast. I'd like in front of me, so I wanted to be in front. I could hear how she was behind me. I was like, Okay, this is going to be how we keep going. It's great. It's so amazing. It's like, You've put the mic on the wrong bitch. That's Mickey Mouse. When she's not doing that, she's a suit operator at fucking Disneyland of Mickey Mouse.

She's got to be.

That's amazing. See?

You could convince yourself Mickey Mouse has just broken the 400-metre indoor world record. Fans react as Femke Ball. Fimke Ball's interview.

Oh, Glasgow.

She's- Oh, she's Scottish.

Glasgow.

Have you toured over there in the UK?

Yeah.

Oh, boy. Yeah. But I've never been so tired. I've just been like…

Right? That was fucking great. I know. With the American… Hang on, American cartoon character.

The Dutch runner into the World Championship. The Dutch Runner Under the World Championship. The world record of 49.24 seconds in the 400, but blew past the timing again in Glasgow.

What happened? I want to know what happened 30 seconds before that interview. Did she rock up? They were like, Let's do an interview. Her mate was like… It was amazing. Her mate was like, We I don't I don't we need to do an interview. I don't we're good. But Mickey Mouse was like, I have a crack. They're like, No, we've already achieved so much. We just nailed it. She's like, I've always... You guys never let me do interviews. Can I do an interview? They're like, All right, guard your loins. Here she is.

It's a small world after all. That's crazy, man. That's funny. Any other news, guys? Anything else that's going on?

No, that's the only thing that's going on in the world. Fucking Mickey Mouse went for a run. I mean, there's other bigger stuff we could talk about.

Oh, yeah. They went to the zoo.

Oh, yeah. I saw that. Great. Well done.

Not surprised. I think it's like an Australian tradition coming here and going to the zoo, huh?

Yeah, I think so. It's a pretty cool zoo. It's like a sanctuary as well. They do conservation. They do some fucking great work there.

I thought it was way hands-on. I was surprised. Yeah, it's like you really get close to some Anamalia.

The Kelsey Man has a brother. Is that correct? Mm-hmm. Did he just retire from something?

Yeah, he plays football. He played for the NFL for the Philadelphia Eagles.

Is that the same team as the other Kelsey Man that just won the Super Bowl? No. Because I saw his press.

Very tear-filled.

I thought his mother had died.

It was a lot of tears.

I was like, We all fucking retire. What happened?

It meant a lot to him. But it's everywhere. He went through a lot of stuff. He went through also, he talked about his family. He got real deep into it. I I think sometimes it's almost you wonder, though, are they trying to get them to do more now? I thought it was very genuine and touching, but yeah, he had a lot of- Look, I thought it was very genuine and very touching.

I didn't need to hear it. I was like, maybe on a podcast, you're going on later and having a chat to someone about… But it went on and on. We had no cousins. It was just me and my father and widget. Just come out, make the announcement. I'm done. It's been a great season. It's been a great 40 years that I've been playing catch-ups. Bitch, you still fucking cry. It just went on for me. International Women's Day, so disrespectful.

Oh, that's a good point on International Women's Day. Do you think that people are less emotional in Australia?

No, I think we're still pretty emotional. Yeah? Yeah. I just don't think we have as much media attention on it. You know what I mean?

Oh, that's a good point. And especially him. It's interesting, the side effects of like... Because I've always thought Travis, Kelsey like darker women, right? That's always been the- I don't know the man. If he ate an Oreo, he would just eat the size.

Oh, right. Well, he's not now.

Not now. I mean, now he's going heavy cream.

Right in the center. Yeah.

He's going full cream.

Yeah.

It's just I think a lot of people... I think there's a lot of people wondering the reality behind that. Is it real? Yeah, I think- You don't know. With the media, you don't know what their strategy is. You don't know what their plan is. They could easily approach people and say, This is what we want to do.

Yeah. Well, Australia shot themselves when he flew in for one of her concerts.

Well, yeah, that's the crazy part. I just wonder what his life is going to be like now, because that's a level, I feel like, of Fame that's miserable.

Every interview is asking about her. It will be for the rest of his life.

Yeah. It's Taylor Swift. You can't fight I wonder if you think about that before you… But maybe you don't. I don't know. I'm just thinking out loud. I mean, if you're really in love, you don't.

That's what I was going to say. If you love something, you're like, Fuck, whatever. Who cares? But I think if you go in with it, with an idea of it being an arrangement, then it's different. So maybe it is love. Do you know what I mean? If you love someone, you just go into it, and then you find yourself in interviews always talking about them, always talking about your relationship.

Yeah. Gosh.

Gosh. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, that level of fame. Fuck. I couldn't do it.

Yeah. It feels like a lot. Could you? No. No. No. Sometimes it's weird when it starts, you feel like your own name doesn't even belong to you anymore. Does that make any sense to you?

It makes absolute sense to me. Even when I'm on a fucking phone call, calling a kid's school. Celeste Barber. Shut up. I feel like it going, Can I speak to so and so? Even saying my name now feels weird. Or when my mates are like, We will get a table somewhere. They're like, Say Phyllis Barber. I'm like, No. They're like, We do? What do you fucking mean you do? You're not even there. I'm not there. I'm in America. How do you mean you got the fucking table at Nobu in Sydney? They're like, No, it's fine. Then they just spend the whole time at dinner going, She's coming.

That's actually a great idea.

If you're waiting for a table out there, make sure you say- Adele. Yeah, Adele. You get a table with Adele.

Well, I'm glad I got to have a table for a little while today with Celeste Barber. Thanks for meeting up. I know you have a lot going on, and I know you have to go home to your son's birthday.

Yeah, and his football game. No, it was good. It was good to come in. It was good to meet. I have been made at work. Thanks for moving it as well. I know you had to move it around a bit for me.

I appreciate it. That's all right. I'm glad that we got to. Yeah, I was trying to learn as much as I could about Australia, but I think we talked about Australia some, huh?

Yeah. Are you going to do Great Barrier Reef or Great Ocean Road? Any of those things while you're here?

I think the next time I come, I'm going to come back one more time.

And make it a thing. Yeah. Just one more time before you die.

Well, I don't know. I might come back more than that. I used to have a dream I would meet my wife in Australia. Yeah, right. But I think a lot of people romanticize stuff like that.

There's nothing wrong with that.

Yeah, no. It'd be nice, but you never know. But I think the first time I came, I did shows, and it was like travel show the same day, that thing. It was way too hard on me.

It's too much. That's what my last tour, I did that.

It's way too hard. And so this time we slowed it down. And it's been awesome. Got to be at the Gold Coast and see different places and spend a little bit more time in different cities. But then it also gets long. You're going for three weeks and you're like... But my biggest audiences are in Australia.

Yeah, right. Mine are in the States. Look at that. Wow. Isn't that weird? Yeah, that's the goal, isn't it? To slow it down so you trying to live and enjoy work. But like I was saying, I can't with fucking kids and living so far away. Where did you go on the Gold Coast?

We went to Paradise Cove or something.

Surfers Paradise?

Surfers, yeah. It was good We got some electric bikes and we got to ride out onto the water, onto the beach. Yeah, wow. It was un-rear. It might have been the neatest thing I've ever done. I literally felt like I was on the moon, which we've never been to.

Fucking magic beaches we have up there. I'm up. That's where I live up there. Really? It's just like... Yeah, I know.

It was so fucking good. I just wanted to just rip my fucking penis off and just throw it in the water. There we are. That's how I felt, really.

You might find your wife up there. Who knows?

Yeah. For some reason, when I'm having a good time, I'd literally want to rip my penis off and just throw it into whatever I'm having fun at.

A kangoo. Just whip it at a kangoo at a sanctuary.

No, those kangaroos are too dangerous.

Yeah, they'll fuck you up.

All right. So let's pop up. People can watch your special on Netflix. They can check out your tour. Now, will this also be coming to the States?

Yeah, I'm there second of May. Oh, okay. Netflix is a joke. Oh, that's right. You start then. And then touring for two months. Okay, sweet. May, June. Yeah, buy fucking tickets, celestebarber. Com, please. Yes, celestebarber.

Com, please. I've enjoyed spending time with her. I'm sure you guys will, too. And thank you so much. And happy birthday to your son. How old is he going to be? Ten. Oh, wow. It's such a big age.

Yeah, double digits.

God, he's growing up.

His name's Buddy.

It is a real name for someone.

It's fucking Buddy.

Wow. That's the best thing about Australia. People have names like Buddy and Papy and Lily.

Yeah, in America when we're there and my other son's name is Lou, they're like, Hey, Buddy. And Lou's like, No, that's him. But he's like, How does everyone know my name in America?

In America, we have names like Bullet and Casket.

Yeah, and Fucking Stud and Tard. Yeah, and Cuck. And Chunk.

All right. Cheers, Celeste.

Thank you. Now I'm just floating on the breeze and I feel I'm falling like these leaves. I must be cornerstone.

Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this peace of mind I found I can feel it in my bones.

But it's going to take...