These are exciting brand new tour dates. During the LSU-USC game, I will be playing that weekend in Las Vegas, Nevada. That's August 30th and 31st, back at Resorts World, Las Vegas. Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, September 25th at the Paycom Center. North Little Rock, Arkansas, September 26th at Simmons Bank Arena. Springfield, Missouri, September 27th at the Great Southern Bank Arena. Kansas City, Missouri, September 28th. Sioux Falls, South Dakota on October 10th. La Crosse, Wisconsin, October 11th. Green Bay, Wisconsin, October 12th in Moline, Illinois, October 13th. Get your tickets early starting Wednesday, July 10th at 10:00 AM local time with presale code Rat King. General on sale starts Thursday, July 11th at 10:00 AM local time. We also have tickets still for Bethel, New York, Wallingford, Connecticut, Portland, and Bangor, Maine, as well as other places. Get all your tickets at theovan. Com/tour. Thank you to everyone who's come out to support the show. It just keeps getting better. Thank you. We got new merch, guys. We have new colorways for the be Good To Yourself T-shirts. We have blue Jean granite Bay and banana. Check all that and more at theovanstore. Com, the only place we sell merch.

Today's guest is a comedian, an actor, an entertainer. You know him from Reno 911, from Grandma's Boy. He has a new special, Make Joke from Face, premiering on YouTube on July 18th, and he has a new tour going on. I'm grateful to spend time today with my friend, Mr. Nick Swartzen. Shine that light on me. I'll sit and tell you my stories. Shine on me, and I will find a song I've been singing just for. I love this stuff. Little Nicki, remember him? Yeah, of course. Is that Who thought that was an idea? Well, the crazy thing was I remember- God bless Adam.

Oh, no, I think it was... B. Elsa Bob? It was interesting, but I remember that year, we had a lot of mentally impaired or mentals or whatever they call them or nugget lovers. Carnation, yeah.

Yeah, people say all everything.

Yeah, a lot of times it's just like, yeah, if you eat all nuggets all day, you know what I'm saying?

And you are in a small classroom, then you are.

It's like a commercial for fentanyl. Basically, yeah. It's basically. It's basically...

Well, they had a couple of issues in our area where they had sprayed for bugs too many times. And so in the four coming decades, you had a lot of Little Nicky's running around. But at Halloween, after that film had come out, everybody was Little Nicky. Yeah, I love Little Nicky, by the way. It's such a great movie, but it's like, yeah, there were a lot of copycats where people, you couldn't tell if they were challenged or they were from the devil. Yeah, Yeah. You grew up in Norland. Yeah. Yeah. You know. Everybody on Bourbon Street might be a Little Nicki. Oh, yeah. A lot of little. A lot of little dickies.

Yeah, a lot of little Nicki. Fuck. Suck off. One of my favorite moments, I was going to tell you this. I don't know if I ever did.

Here, move this over here a little.

Just know this way. Push it out. Hold on. Okay. All right, here we go. Me up. Back in New Orleans, the first time I was there, I was 19 years old. You were? Yeah.

What is this? Was this fucking avatar? What What production is this?

I don't know. It likes you, though. I know it's that.

Okay, well, I'm into Black Dick now. Well, it's okay. It's also a-Black Dick, me off.

I wonder if there is... Yeah, Black Dick, is it a seasonal thing? I don't know any. I haven't ever done it. We don't know yet, but it is a valid question because it's like, Black Dick season, what would it be? Christmas? No. Halloween? No. Possibly.

Yeah. Maybe Easter. Easter, springtime.

Or Black History Month.

I think that'll be upper pat. Yeah, maybe.

We should suck them all off.

I'm not doing I'll support anybody. I will pat somebody on the back while they do it.

I'll do it.

Is that?

Yeah. Is that appropriate? How do you be supportive of your gay friends? I guess sometimes you don't pat somebody on the back if they're DJing somebody, do you? That's being weird, right? That's not being supportive, I guess.

I think that's being supportive.

I think you're wrong on that. I think you're like, Okay, you know what? You go, Gary.

Yeah.

You get it, Gary. Praise him.

Get it, Gary. Carrot top. Guzzle, guzzle, guzzle, buddy. Yeah. Fucking…

You play a little jizzle.

Jizzle, jizzle, jizzle. Yeah, you play the fucking jizzle. Jizzlebells. That's why I said Christmas. I think we're there now. Jizzlebells deck the balls with balls of cocky. Oh, nick Swarton. Yeah, I'm back. Good to see you, dude.

This is my fucking dude. Love you very much. Love you, too, man. I missed you. My New Orleans story, really quick.

When I was first there, and this is somebody that drinks, the drunkest I've ever been, New Orleans, and I call it La Barf, where I walked down Bourbon Street and I threw up into my hands.

No reason why I did that.hands like this?Yup.

Praise.

I vomited and then threw it in the air. I've never done that before since.

But 19, 20 years old, I was like, Yeah, this When LeBron throws powder before the game, but I threw barf, and I was like, and I call it the Lebarf.I.

Don't like it.I don't recommend it, but… You know, you've been down there. Who dat?Oh, I've seen it.Who dat? Well, a lot of times, if you… Yeah, and you can even… There's a couple of brothers down there, you get them a couple of dollars, he'll backflip right through the vomit or whatever. There's a lot of like this backflipping brothers will roll up on you there. A backflip vomit? Give me three dollars, I'll fucking backflip through Yeah, what a motherfucker. Through a vomit or stream or through some asbestos or something. They got those hard hitters down there.

Yeah, game on. Asbestos fucking shots? Yeah. Good God. Asbestos bombs. It's just... Don't Don't do it. They're just playing that at my Chinese construction sites. Yeah, of course. Yeah, and then everyone's dead.

Everybody, everybody, suck me off.

Suck me. Suck me off. The thing I wanted to tell you, I'm really bummed out about it. Just let me just vent, please.

Okay. I thought of a movie, and it was already made. Oh, yeah. It was a movie for us. I thought it was in the vein of Chardonnado or whatever the fuck.

Shardnado? Yeah.

That's not that wives thing where it's a big glass of wine chasing them or whatever? I mean, it could be, but I thought of a movie called Llamageddon. It was you and me, Armageddon with lamas, and it's already been made, and I was really bummed out because I tried to find the spelling today, and they were like, Yeah, that movie has been made. I'm like, Me and Theo, Llamageddon, kill Spade off immediately.

David Spade, Dawn early. First spade, fucking bonk. It's easy to...

You also need to just sit him on a chair that is a centimeter uneven, and his spine is-Centimeter uneven. A couple of phone books. He brings his own chair. Yeah, he He does. People don't know that, by the way. David Spade, God bless him. Rest in peace. Yeah, that part.

Yeah, he passed.

But he has a bad spine. B-y-o-c, dude.

That dude will bring his own fucking chair anywhere. The problem, here's what it is. The chair doesn't match the other chairs.

That's the problem.

It doesn't match at all.

He has a metal folding chair. It's like a cafeteria chair from the war or something. It looks like the Roaring or something like... Yeah, it looks horrifying, but it suits his back.

There he is right there looking him with his own chair.Oh, my God.Go to my chair in that.What a gipsy. Oh, my God.

Go to my chair in that shot.

Just show me. Look at my chair. That is Joe Dyrke.

Regular chair, and he brings his fucking homemade chair, dude. It's something he made at church camp or something, he said. Yeah, I think it was in a petting zoo or something.What.

Are you going to do?It's.

A petting zoo. The guy's a BLM activist.

Yeah, we praise him. Oh, we praise him. Good to see you, dude.

That was the drunkest you'd ever been there in New Orleans?

That was the drunkest where I was like... I mean, I've never vomited into my hands and threw it in the air. I didn't even know what I was accomplishing there. What am I celebrating? Not dying?

I think it's- Or New Orleans.

You know, New Orleans? Yeah. New Orleans. Oh, they get pissed.

They get pissed. Yeah, Nolins, bro. Then they say, Nolins, baby. Then somebody like, Oh, we're from Nolins, man. Then somebody like- Yeah, they get like hardcore about it. We're from Nola, bro. Then you just have someone just be like, My nana da da, and they'll just give you an oyster and then shoot you in the head.

And then they fucking fire hose your vomit, and they're like, All right, let me ruin a babe. Here we get. Eat my swamp, pussy lips. The crazy thing about New Orleans is if something bad happens to you during a...

During like Mardi Gourd or in a parade, if you have a stroke or have a child or something, you are-Or both.whatever.

You're doing. A child that has a stroke. Yeah. Whatever. You're going through it yourself. An ambulance cannot get to you. So you are fucking... You are fucking dead. You are either dead or somebody's alive. It's like it depends on if you're having the stroke or the child. But yeah, just people, they'll start digging a grave. They're like, We can't even... The ambulance is like 40 blocks away. Yeah, they're like, Yeah, you're gone. Say goodbye to your aunt. Well, I went all down to the Autobus. Your aunt Betty that's just like, I've got two aborts.

The hurricane. Bye, bye, bye.

And they keep like...

Yeah, you're fucking dead. They're like, Damn, the water doesn't work here. No shit. First of all, you were eight feet below sea level. The water was never supposed to work.

It was never supposed to work. I remember one of my favorite times I was at like fucking Jazz Fest or some nonsense, which is awesome.

Yeah, Jazz Fest is awesome. New Orleans is awesome. There was a police horse. I don't know if I ever told you this. There was a police horse, and the horse had diarrheated on the wall of a hotel. It's right off Bourbon Street. Oh, yeah. Diarrheated on the wall. So I thought, this was a long time I thought it'd be appropriate to pull my pants down and pretend like I diarrheed. So I pulled in the front of the cop. Oh, yeah.

Shit tricks. Yeah, shit tricks.

You fucking know, man. So I pulled down a shit trick, and the cop, I remember my friend had a Polaroid, that's how far back it was, took a shot of me diarrheeing on the horse wall, and the cop just looked at me and he just went, No, no. And I'm like, Yeah, but it's funny, right? He's like, Yeah, I get it. Just fucking move along, man. It's just like patient zero. He's just like, No, I'm not. Move along. I'm not entertaining this. He didn't arrest me. Thank fucking God, but it was just like, Yeah, that's not your diarrhea. That's a horse. Okay. Yeah. You're copying his diarrhea.

Yeah, that's copy-written, basically, as well. I think if you just-It's shoddy written.

Yeah. The craziest thing is, that's New Orleans.

You'll be eating in a fine dining restaurant, and then a horse just bowel blasts fucking one of the pains of window glass out because everybody right outside of the restaurant is just drinking Making hand grenades, drinking each other's blood. Yeah, they're having caviar.

Then all of a sudden, fucking splattiar comes on the fucking window. Jocy's on it. Everyone's fucked. Oh, Oh, man. God, praise him. You're a top. Can you praise him, the baby God?

And he's with us. What was I going to fucking say to you? Good to see you, dude. Great to see you. I love you. I had a series of times in New Orleans, I would get drunk and go. Me and my friend would go. We would get too drunk, and then we would just go start. We'd get under one of the overpasses of the bridge there, and we'd start vomiting together. But in between vomits, we would just dap each other out. In what city? New Orleans. In between vomiting, because we would go through profuse bouts of vomiting because some of the alcohol, it's just like they made it at home. Some of the alcohol is like... Right. New Orleans is...It's.

Like hair filtered.

They're like hair filtered.

Pubic hair. That's the thing. It's pubics. It's pubics cubes. Yeah. Yeah. New Orleans is like... It's one of the cities where I'm horrified, where I'm like, oh, God, what? Vegas, I can deal with. It's fine. But there's certain cities where I'm like, oh, God, how is this going to fucking play out? You know what I mean? Where they just pull you into their fucking magic fucking voodoo.

Well, it's a lot of big titties, a lot of gout, a lot of undiagnosed sunburn, a lot of mosquito bites, malaria, good food.Evola.That's one thing. Yeah, some.Yeah.Quarter Cup.A Tad.Yeah. Maybe a shot.

Quarter Cup. But it's one of those cities where there's just so much going on, but there's music going on. Yeah, that's the thing. It's like the bar in Star Wars where it's like, and you're like, Oh, Yeah, I can drink a vase of alcohol. It's not even casual drinking. It's just like, Oh, can I get a fire hose? A fucking thing called Hurricane? They had a hurricane. It was fucking debilitating. And They're like, Let's run it back. Let's keep the drink going. It's a fucking sugary ivy. It's just a diabetes falcon crest. Good God. All the drinks there are just named after things that will just kill you around that area. 100%. Can I get an AIDS bomb?

Yeah. Can I get a black on black crime with a splash of Chianti? Can I get a stabbed in the shadows?

Is that possible?

Oh, my God. Can I Can you get a backflip through some fucking throat mist, homie?

Throat mist. Can I get a machete to the dick shot?

Dude, some shot names, it's way too It's like, yeah, machete to the dick, or you'll have vulva Doberman, and you're like, That seems…

Can I get a clit taco sandwich? What is What's that? No, it's got peanut butter and fucking bird flu. Bird flu. Yeah, it's fucking horrifying. But what's a city where you're just touring? I'm like…

You You, obviously, you spent a year in Key West.

A year and a half in Key West. Okay, sorry. I can't believe I fucking survived that, by the way. By the way, new tour, Toilet Head this fall, nicksworthson. Net. Really? Yeah. Oh, nice, man. I have a whole new and then a new hour coming out on YouTube, July 18th.

Do you really? Yeah.

Let's go. Dude, not my first rodeo, dog.

Bro, that's awesome, man. Rodeo. Rodeo.

When is on the becay?

I was just in Las Vegas. I just went and saw the Grateful Dead at the Sphere. I might go back. To see-This weekend. The show didn't get out early enough for us to get over there. We tried to get over. We got stuck in traffic.

Weren't you there when I was there? What hotel are you at?

I'm staying at the WEN Hotel. Wen Encore, something like that.

Where do you do shows there?

We did a show at Resorts World.

Oh, okay. Yeah, that's a new one. Is it great?

Yeah. I didn't stay at the hotel. The place, the venue, I thought was really cool. It was nice. The stage is shiny, and you get out there. It feels pretty fancy, really.

Yeah, I heard it's great.

But it was good, dude.

I do the Venetian now. Oh. Yeah. That's connected to the Sphere, which is awesome. I saw you two there. No. Yeah, it was amazing.

Now, would you say it's like... I had somebody this week and they said, I don't know if I would want to see a show somewhere else now because it's so interesting there. And they labeled themselves a Sphere Head. And I just never heard that. I've heard somebody be a fan of a band, but never of a venue that much. I was like, wow.

Yeah, I disagree with that.

Really? It wasn't like that?

I thought it was an amazing show. It was awesome, but it's like the stage is so small. Obviously, it's very visceral. Let me look at this, bro. Oh, my God.

Is that what it was like for you?

I'm a wrecked. Did I film that?

Doubt it.

Who's there? Danecook?

It's high quality. This does look like a Dane Cook special, huh? Bro, this wasn't unbelievable?

Yeah, but I didn't have a drone. That's not enough for you. I don't live in a drone. I don't fly around like a fucking alien. That's true.

Yeah. This is drone footage. We're looking at guys, you can't see it at home because you can see it at home, but some of you can't see it because you're listening on a radio.

I mean, it was epic. You know who I want to see there? Wham.

Whites Against Mexicans? Yeah.

No, Wham. George Michael, rest in peace.

Oh, really? Are they doing a reenactment or whatever?

I pray for it. I think that's a weird prayer to have, but I want that to happen.

For there to be a wham? Wham in the air. We had a group called Wham in our town. It was Whites Against Mexicans. It was two dudes.

That's the most New Orleans thing I've ever heard.

Well, they just didn't have any... I think they actually wanted Mexicans. They were just afraid to invite them or whatever. A lot of times people pretend like they don't want it, even though they want it. We're Whites Against Mexicans.

Yeah. I mean, okay.

Like reverse psychology, you know what I'm talking about? Right.

I get it. But it's like they could invite them. Maybe just have a margarito and enjoy your life.

Yeah. The group was affiliated for probably 11 months. I don't think they had a charter.

They didn't have a sponsor.

Yeah, they didn't have a sponsor. They didn't have a charter.

They didn't have White Claw. They didn't have a long term. They didn't have Brennan's Shop.

Yeah, they didn't have food Truck is sponsoring.

They didn't have Joe Durg.

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I haven't seen you since... Well, I saw the video that you had about the drink where you got just... What happened with the video? It was in Colorado, right? Colorado. Because Ari Manus was working with you.

Yeah, Beaver Creek.

Yeah, I just worked with Ari this weekend.

Yeah, he's great. Yeah, he's great. He's really brilliant. Yeah, it was the start of my whole spring tour, and it was like club dates to get ready for Toilethead again this fall, nicksworthsend. Net, toilet head.

Floss. And we had a flush sound right there.

Yeah, I took an edible 9,000 feet. Nuh-uh. Yeah. It was like, the shows were great after that, but it was a full brain fart. I've rarely had that outside of New Orleans where I vomited and threw it into my hand. But yeah, it was just a full brain fart. I was on stage, I was like, Oh, my God. The edible hit me and I was like, Fuck. I'm on stage, you know what I mean? When you're live and you're like, Oh, yeah, here we go. I was just high as fuck in balls.

You were high. You You weren't drunk?

No, I had a couple of cocktails, but the edible is what really hit me.

Was it scary? Bro, that makes me so scared. I've had moments just where I can't remember what I'm talking about, and even that gets scary, or I'll have a bit that maybe didn't go as well, and I'm like, I start to feel nervous. Then if I can't figure out my next step, I get super scared. I can't even imagine if an edible hit.

But it was so blown out of proportion. It wasn't like a disaster.

Well, people were yelling, It's like 10 seconds of it. Have you watched it?

Yeah, go for it.

Well, you did it.

What are you saying right now? I'll say best. Let me ask you this. This is a weighted question. What?

What?

Okay, I'll turn it to you.

All right, here we go. Somebody yelled, too, and that was... I don't understand.

The crowd was so belligerent. Anybody here has kids? Anybody here has kids? What the hell?

Oh, my God.

Dude, it was amazing. Okay. My apologies to Beaver Creek. I'm not proud of that, but I was like… Yeah, what do you I was so fucking high.

What do you have to say to the people of Beaver Creek who, first of all, they legalize marijuana there?

Yeah, by the way, I'm not the first person to get high in Colorado. I'm not fucking Chris for a corner.

What do you have to say to those people? Because, yeah, that's a double-edged sword, right? If you invite me over to Chocolate Town or whatever, right? Right. And I show up and I end up getting diabetes or whatever, like a black lung, whatever you get from eating too much chocolate.

Like Willy Wanka invites you to the chocolate factory. And he's like, Suck my chocolate dick. And then you have diabetes.

And it's on camera. It's on camera. But the people in the town have some responsibility. The people that built the factory and let you have as much chocolate as you want.

Yeah, they're making it. They're sitting there making it. And then they judge you to you. Get the fuck out of here. You Wanka people. Fucking bonkers. Fucking tard nation.

So what happened?

My apologies to Beaver Creek. Sorry.

Yeah, no. Well, it's a beautiful area, too. And where were you at? You guys were at a theater there.

Yeah, it was a theater.

You're performing. You go out there. Did you know before you went out there that you were like, I should not go out there right now?

No, I was totally fine. But again, the edible hit me right when I was in the middle of my set, and it was a new set. So it's like, again, it's actually really great. Toilet head this fall. It's a solid endorsement. But I was like, Oh, God. And it's like, if anybody's an edible, especially if you're in altitude like 9,000 feet, even if you're stone sober, it's like, aggressive. You know what I mean? It hits you stone sober. But I took an edible with a couple cocktails. I was like, oh, no. I'm like, God, here we go. I remember the venue went to Ari, and they were like, We're going to pull nick. Ari was at my back. He's like, Don't do that. Nick will figure it out. You know what I mean? He'll just... He'll figure it out. It's not his first rodeo. And they were like, No. And they pulled me.

Because they cut the mic at one point. So then you just talk, they came in here.

Yeah, I was like, All right. Josie's on the venue. I was like, The fuck?

Were people yelled? What were... I don't know Obviously, I wasn't- You were blacked out?

I wasn't blacked out. I didn't have my setlist with me. People will comment that we're in the crowd. I'm like, Yeah, I could have gotten through it, but I think people were booing because they pulled me. I think they were like, What the fuck? Why is nick getting pulled? But I think it was half and half.

Yeah, because some people start yelling, Get this F got, or whatever, off the stage.

You can say, Fagorny waiver.

Yeah, get this-This fagantic.

Yeah,fagana Kai.

Yeah, get this beautiful little care bear off the stage. Somebody yelled that, actually, which I thought was cute.

Yeah, which was appropriate.

When you got backstage, what was it like? What did the management say to you or something?

They were like, Yeah, so Yeah. I was like, Yeah, what? All right. Okay, that happened.

Oh, yeah. I hate it when people don't even know what to say.

Yeah, they were like, Oh, hey. Suck you? It was just ambiguous. I was like, What the fuck?

Did you wake up the next day and you were like, What the fuck? Because what happened after that? If the edible hit, it's probably pretty hard, huh?

No, it was the best because I went and did two sold out. All my shows sold out after that. They were Oh, yeah. People were going to test of that.

At that point, people want to come and also see if you're going to fuck up as well, I bet.

Yeah, so I did two shows in Aspen at the Belly Upt, one of my favorite venues. People threw edibles at me on stage. I was on stage. Physically, I was covered in edibles on the stage. Then I did six shows in Denver. It was all awesome.

Oh, so you went out right after that?

Oh, that was the start of my spring tour. That was the initial show of like, that's how I I kicked it off. I woke up, and all of a sudden, it was like 100 text messages, and people were like, Hey, man, you're on CNN. It was so dumb. I'm like, Really? We're going to blow this out. Tmz called me. They're like, We want to comment. I'm like, For fucking what? I got too high in Colorado. I apologize. I'll do my own apology. I apologize to Beaver Creek. I love them very much. Very sweet.

Are they sweet, though? If they got you all doped up.

I don't know. Jury is still out on that, but they were nice enough to show up and then be-Who gave you the edible?

I don't want to snitch on anybody, but somebody did it.

You want the truth?

Yeah.

Abraham Lincoln.

No way.

Yeah. Yeah.

Well, he got so high. He freed all the slaves.

Dude, he freed my brain. He did. How about that? He fucking unleashed the crack and that's why we pray.

Well, yeah. And he unleashed the non crackers as well. I know that. That's for sure.

He 100% did that.

There's nobody like him. Dude, imagine what it must have been like for everybody. I'm like, I can write if everybody was racist at the time, and he just rolls up and he's like, Guys, crazy idea.

I'm going to go to the opera. I don't need security.

No, I'm saying he's going to release all the slaves, man.

Yeah.

But he had to pitch that to his buddies first.

Yeah, I see what you're saying.

You don't just surprise everybody. Say, Hey, everybody, cover your eyes. And then, ta-da.

So he was the original magician?

Is that what you're saying? I'm just saying he pulled a lot of brothers out of a fucking pretty tough hat.

Yeah, he did. But that was a big top hat. Yeah, it was. Because those are fucking hard black necks.

He kept his notes in that hat a lot.

Yeah.

A lot of that. He was fine. And he was very tall as well. How tall was he?

That's a valid question. How tall was his beard? I mean, his wife.

6'4, bro. He was the tallest US President.

So he can dunk, which brings it back to black people.

Oh, he definitely obviously wanted to hoop or he wouldn't have released all these guys.

Yeah, he fucking did pickup games.

There's no way you're not like, Oh, fuck, I need some better competition. Yeah, he's You got to get these.

He's like, let's go. These fucking white people.

We got to get these brothers on the court. Oh, yeah. I'm sure James Madison or whatever. He probably fucking totally jammed on that.

Oh, my God. How hard did he dunk on Thomas Jefferson?

Oh, it took his weight.

Did he dunk on him with the Constitution? He was like, Give me this piece of paper. Bye. Fucking bye. Bye. Wait, side note. Hold on, sorry. I just got off the road, and I did three and a half months straight.

Did you really?

Yeah, three and a half months straight.

Did you go to rehab for that three and a half months or not? Or were you really doing comedy?

Dude, I was doing clubs, working at my set. You were? People are so bonkers. When you come to a show, awesome, love you, let's not be bonkers. These are two road stories where this guy, Hotel Bar at the Marriott. Awesome. This guy shows up and he goes, Hey, man, are you nick Swartzen? I go, Yeah. He goes, Can I have a drink with you? I'm like, Yeah, totally. I'm down. If anybody wants a photo cocktail, I'm down. This guy saddles up and he, swear to God, I can't make this up. He goes, Let me just say something. I go, Yeah, what? And he goes, I'm going to say the word nigger a lot.

He just told you straight up? Yeah.

I go, What? And he goes, I'm not racist, but just so you know, I'm going to say that a lot. I Well, fucking no. You can't hang out with me. What did you think my response would be? Get the fuck out of here. What would I be like, Finally, somebody has the courage. No, get the fuck out of here, fucking weirdo.

Yeah. Oh, some of that stuff. Yeah.

What road stories? Dude, I have so many. I'm like, Oh, my God. Really? Oh, my God. Like, crazy people. Yeah. That just Drunk chics are the number one most bonkers outside of racist guy. But it's like, there was one where I did a casino in Connecticut, and these girls came up and They were like, Hey, it's our shop. And I go, Oh, cool. And they go, Yeah, funny. And I go, Thank you. I go, Do you want a picture? And they're like, No. And I'm like, Okay, well, pleasure to meet you. Thank you for coming to the show. They're like, Yeah. I turned around, was playing video poker, and they were mad for some reason. They were like, Yeah, you know what? You're not that funny. Fuck you. I was like, Okay, that escalated. I'm like, Yeah, I You don't want a photo? They're like, No, go fuck yourself. They walked away. I'm like, Okay, this Christ. Then this boyfriend comes up. This guy goes, Hey, man, were you dick to my girl? That's the worst. I was like, Bro, I'm like, Dude, I wasn't. I offered a photo, everything. I was super nice. And he's like, Okay.

And I'm like, Do you want a shot? And he's like, Okay. So he saddles up. So we do a shot watching SportsCenter, talking sports. And the guy goes, Hey, man, you know what? You're actually really cool. And I'm like, Yeah, I'm a fucking real guy. I'm just a dude. And he's like, Yeah, you know what? My girlfriend's a fucking cunt. This fucking bitch can't handle her liquor. I was like, Dude, I didn't say that. And he's like, Yeah, fuck that. Sorry about this. You're cool. He walked away.

Dude, I remember one time in that crowd, I said, All the ladies, close your eyes, all right? And then I was like, Guys, if you could take your wife on a vacation and eliminate her while you were traveling, raise your hand. And none of the ladies were allowed to look.

That's amazing.

It was probably maybe 1,800 people in the crowd. About 11 guys raise their hand. That's hilarious. One dude even did it like this a little bit. I think because he didn't trust his wife wouldn't see. So he just did that. But it was like, holy shit, dude. A lot of women could go missing. Women could go missing so easy. I think that's one of the reasons it takes them so long to get ready, probably because it might be last looks.

Yeah, we don't know. Yeah, that could be in your coffin. That's what you're doing. You got your eyeliner.Put it on.Yeah, just saddle up.Put it on. Get your pageant face on.Judy.

Janet.yeah..

Maybe Janet, maybe Caraine, maybe Katankas.

What's a good... Oh, bro, one night I remember there was a gal. I went over to her place.

What an old-timey term, by the way?

A gal? A gal?

Yeah. What are you from fucking... You It was your time machine?

It was a fucking weirdo. I was in Philadelphia, and there was a gal. Bro, and Kobe Bryant had died, and she made me sleep in this bed with her and a great dane, bro, named Kobe, that wore a Lower Marion jersey. What high school did you go to?

Yeah, Lower Marion PA. Yeah. Was that Chicago or no? I was in Philly. Okay.

That's where you went? I didn't even realize that. I didn't know that's where that was, but I was in Philadelphia. It was after a show. Stayed over at this girl's house. Me, This Great Dane and her all fucking shared a bed together. The Great Dane slept in the middle of us, dude. I've never done any like, G-A-Y-S-T-U-F-F, but it's definitely when you're holding a fucking Great Dane, it's not racial, but it's like...

It's intriguing.

It's intriguing a little bit, but it also feels like you're in a part of the zoo you shouldn't be in. Does that make any sense?

I I mean, it, but also it's like...

Look at the Great Dane right here. I mean, look at this. You can't... Oh, my God. Go back. Who is this, people? What?

How big was the Great Dane?

First of all, all your furniture's broken.

The second-Do you have a penis? Do you have a penis?

Does he have a penis? Yeah, dude. If he rolled over, his penis just fell out of the bed and broke the back of a fucking full-grown-Oh, my God.

He'll smash a photon?

Oh, it'll break the back of a full-grown cat that's laying down there, dude.

It's a His dick was a calf? He had calf dick?

Bro, his penis had shoelaces on it. I'm like, That thing is-Shitlaces?

Yeah.

Bro, his penis had a little tag on it. It said US 10.5, UK 11:00. I was like, damn.Oh.

My God. You can get his penis at Costco.

Fucking Wody got that fucking ramp on him, homie. You know what I'm saying?Oh.

My God. He's got a parking lot dick.

Are you still drinking these days? Because before, you weren't going to take a break Are you able to manage it? Because you had had... You had almost died, didn't you? You went to the hospital or whatever.

Yeah, almost died.

Yeah.

Yeah, no, I managed it. Yeah, it's fine.

Are there drinks you cannot have?

I cut out sugar, so I just drink. If I do drink, it's Tito's water. It's pretty basic. But I quit smoking cigarettes. You did? I never really did drugs. But I drink casually. But I don't go bonkers. Back in the day, Key West was a year and a half of fucking game on. It was- What were you doing?

Because you were just hanging at a hotel bar or something. Remember? Because remember, Dustin Poey sent me a picture. Yeah, we talked about it. He saw you down there one time.

Yeah, but I would drink because it was during COVID, so I was just over everything.

I was just like, Fuck the world. You're just down there counting cube and swimming over having a couple of fucking mojitos.

Oh, dude, I was just sucking off fucking margaritas. And that's the guy's name, Margarita. Yeah, game on, Wayne. No, I was just like, I didn't really give a fuck. So I just drank from 8 AM to 2:00 in the morning, 3:00 in the morning, every day. It was amazing. But yeah, now I got my shit together and it's awesome.

So you didn't go to rehab then?

I did not know. I mean, I've been there before, but that was like years and years ago. Yeah. I mean, hours ago. Yeah.

I mean, we're in rehab.

This is... Yeah, we praise him.

Well, now they have virtual rehab that people are going to. Have you heard of this thing? No. It's like through VR, whatever. Can you bring that up? Virtual reality rehab?

You put on like What is it? Oculus or something?

Yeah, you put on something like that. But you'll have somebody at the bar and they'll go sit in the corner for like 40 minutes with fucking rehab on. Erect? I wasn't that close to the guy I saw on it.

I think you were. But you Fucking swamp possum.

The guy's like, I've been in rehab, I just got back. I'm like, You just fucking sat over there with your Oculus on for 30 minutes.

I mean, that'd be amazing.

If I saw something-He's like, Yeah, it's outpatient. I was like, All right, dude, whatever. Fucking called out.

How out are you? Fucking bonk.

Way outpatient, dude. The virtual reality system allows participants to immerse themselves in a variety of settings and situations to practice recovery techniques such as fighting off temptations, as well as to receive therapeutic support. Can you even imagine-I'm not laughing at it, God bless, but I mean-I'm laughing at it.

I mean, we can laugh at it. But also-Imagine-Sorry.

No. What are some of these scenarios going to be? You put on the virtue of reality. Suddenly, some guy comes in with a meth queen on his arm, right? You're just supposed to be sitting there just reading a book or something, and you're like, Pick out who might have the eight ball or whatever. What is the fucking...

But also, you could be in any scenario. It's like, if you have an Oculus, you could be anywhere. You know what I mean?

You could be at the beach, yeah. And a little crab tries to bring you up.

Yeah, you could be in Margaritaville or something.

Asoma or something, yeah.

They'll sit there, somebody shows up with a fucking Fentanyl snowman, and you're like, Oh.

Bells will be ringing.

Yeah. You're fucking DOA, dog.

Dude, that's the saddest. When there's fentanyl in the snow, dude, I think I heard about that. Somebody put fentanyl in one of those cloud seeding machines or whatever.

Oh, my God.

That's a scary thing now, man. It's like...

Yeah, it's not a joke. I'm not making fun of fentanyl. It's fucking horrible. Yeah. But it can appear in a cactus.

Oh, you have no idea. There's even...

Sorry, sound.

Dude, we had a... I remember kids would like, not kids, but women kids, female kids, would do like, Vajipin or whatever. When I was a kid, they put LSD into their vagina. What? And they would have chics just-On Bourbon Street?Yeah, and they were like, No, this was more like in a safety of a home or whatever. They were like, Oh, yeah, Teresa's Vajipin, homie. And you'd be like, Oh, fuck, bro. Hope she's all right.

What? That doesn't sound like a safety home. In the safety of a home.

I'll just say, yeah.

You put a bunch of drugs in your pussy hole in a fucking gutter. Bro. This is a safe place. Anyway, drugs in your genitals. Absorb it. And then,. Brian Callen.

Bro, dude, that's fucking Lord's Lockbox, dude. That's the original. Dude, you know that That's what it is. That safe that's in the hotel room sometimes? The vagina was... A lot of times people just hide stuff in their wife's vagina.

That's the original escape room. Yeah, it is, dude. You just try to find a way out, find your life.

And that's an Amy Schumer joke. What else is going on? Dude, do you see all this stuff that's happening with Skech? Did you see this? You know the What's Up, Brother?

No, I don't know what that is.

Skech is a streamer. He's known for his mad in streams, for just being a one-of-a-kind guy.

Oh, I think I saw him. Yeah, he was on your show.

Yeah, and it was excellent. I've spent time with him over the past few months. We talk every couple of weeks. Just like, I mean, a gift. Sketch is a gift to the world. I guess, allegedly, he did. He had some... He did some OnlyFans stuff a few years back, and some of it may have been homoerotic or gay or men, extra men, more than one man type of thing or whatever, or just gay, and you know what I'm talking about. All these pictures started coming up, things that people found in OnlyFans. Then I think everybody was just curious, is this really him? You have no idea now with AI or whatever. You have no idea what anything is.Right.

It could be him. People would What did he say? Was it Genital Warfever?

I don't know, but people were writing some of the strangest things. Nick, what was that one tweet that I put in there?

I don't understand. Is he canceled or something?

Well, this shows the uncaniness of whenever people rip somebody on the internet.

Yeah, it's like, what a broken record. It's like, good God.

I love sketch. I support him 100%, no matter what it is. Somebody tweeted this, How could you @thesketchreel? I I met you. I used to be a big fan of you. I was your biggest fan of all time. This is just a chubby kid, a young Filipino woman who has tagged sketch in this and is calling him out, I guess. They put a heartbroken emoji, right? So first of all, what does it matter? Why are you not a fan now? He doesn't owe you that. He had to tell you that he had gay activity or he had OnlyFans. But then here's what happens to this tweet. Somebody shares this tweet, tags that tweet, and adds to it, quotes. It said, Go lose weight, you fat, fucking fuck, right? To this child, okay? Period.

Oh, my God.

Fucking fat shit. They're right after that, period. Which doesn't even have a noun in it, I guess. Or it might just be a noun, but it's missing.

Yeah, that doesn't- It needs a preposition.

It needs something, right? It needs an ad verb. Then after that, they came in. So far, you would think They come to the defense of sketch because they say, Go lose weight, you fucking fat fuck, Mick fuck. Sorry, I left that part out. Period. Fucking fat shit. Then they double-spaced and wrote, Fuck sketch, the gay fuck. It's like, what?

Yeah, it doesn't make any sense. The internet is so bonkers insane. I don't read comments. I'm just so over it where people just chime in, It's just such insanity where I'm like, okay.

But you're not even... Why even come to the defense?

What are you saying? What is anybody... It's so bonkers.

Yeah, and why is this kid... Why would the kid be looking for clout just to say, Hey, sketch, I used to love you, you didn't tell. He didn't know you. You didn't know him. It's obviously a picture of just a random stranger. Yeah, literally. That had met him. Then the other guy quotes, Read it one more time, nick. I can't really see. Go loose, wait, you fucking fat fuck.

Mcfuck.

Fucking fat shit.

Fuck, sketch the gay faith. What is the point? Imagine just spending your time just going like, I've got to chime this in.

I'm so over it.

Back in the day when I started making movies and I did Grandma's Boy and Benchwormers, and I would read critic reviews, which weren't that scathing, but they were like, Hey, fuck you. You fucking suck. What did I do? Let's try to make a funny movie. When people chime in, it's just like, Dude, what the fucking... You go make a movie. You fucking tard nations.

Yeah, like, wow, this shit was such a waste of my time. This guy used to be funny. It'll say stuff like that. But it'll say that on a baby announcement, it's like, Hector's here. He's four days old. People are like, Yeah, I remember when he used to be funny. It's like, he's four days old.

Yeah, he's a child.

People will comment. They just have no chill, man. People don't care.

No, people want to chime in at all times. It's hilarious. Again, I'm just so over it. Sometimes I'll read comments. They're like, Hey, man, you're fucking old. I'm like, Yeah, I know. I'm 47. What do you want from me? What are Are you C3PO? Yeah. Are you a calendar? Are you a calendar? Are you Chewbacca?

Yeah. Are you the Mayans or whatever? Yeah.

Are you a fucking Egyptian princess? And also, first of all, that is mummied? Yeah. I'm sorry, I'm not a mummy. Fucking.

Here's what's dumb about mummies. They don't even make any sounds, dude. They remind me of DoorDashers. They don't have any food on them because they're just coming towards you.

Yeah, they're covered in toilet paper. You ordered toilet paper, which is more ironic. Where you're like, Can I get the toilet paper, please? Can you peel it off your fucking Egyptian mummified brain?

I do. I feel for Skechir. What was his comment? I sent him some messages this morning.

Look at this. Open and honest. That was me. That was me. It's okay, though. I will tell you what. Okay. Two years ago, I did some stuff. I'm sorry if you've seen some of the stuff.

You know I'm a changed person.

What does that mean? This is going worse than I thought it was.

I don't know.

What is he apologizing for? It's a two years ago. I did not have sexual relations with that man. I'm just kidding. I did.

Possible.

Walk away. Catch out a bag.

It's okay.

What else do I have to say? I don't know. Thank you to all my people that have been sticking up for me. I understand if you're mad. Shit, hit the fan. Okay, I was dealing with some addiction problem. What is going on? What is he apologizing for? Having sex with a man? I don't know. Hit the fan. Okay, I was dealing with some addiction problems. Addicted to dick. A couple of them?

But what's the plan after?

The plan after was not very good. If I was alone and I was at my house, I probably wouldn't be talking to you right now. But the people at Faye's, Banks, especially, and my friends that I've made over the past couple of years came in and they saved me. I don't know what I was going to do, but Save him what?

What the fuck is going on? I think he was just scared. The internet really came after him.

Yeah, don't look at the fucking internet.

But I think in his case, it's hard. It's a lot of his life is built on there. Then also, it's like if something like that came out, you can't just pretend it didn't happen. You know what I'm saying? It's so strong.

He blew a guy? Who the fucking cares?

Yeah, I don't care what he did. Well, no, there was just whatever it was.

Take your wig off.

Doing gayness, dude. Take your wig off. It's not a wig. Some guy at the airport.

It's a fucking wig. A wig.

Some guy at the airport comes up to me the other day because that's a wig, isn't it?

Yeah, it's 100% a wig.

So you think this is a wig, dude?

You're fucking Wigorny Weaver.

I could imagine if you don't know something like that, you think it's private and then it goes out public, that would be alarming.

Yeah, it'd be alarming if it was 1800s.

Oh, I agree. I think it's ridiculous. I think anybody coming out of it would be gay.

Suck dick, you're pussy, fucking who cares? Yeah.

I think it's At the same time. Pussy on the deck. But you're a real intersection at that point, dude.

I mean, it's both ears.

It's bumper to bumper traffic. But it's just interesting. Just as he's making this statement, he's like, Well, what else do I have to say? It's almost weird. It's like you're pleading for peace from this.

From just strangers.

It's just fascinating where we are in time that you watch somebody who has to make this plea. Even as he's trying to figure out what is he even asking for. What is he apologizing for? I agree. What the fuck? I agree. But I just think it's fascinating to see that that's where we're at in time where you're watching somebody apologize, or whatever it is, right? Totally. To a screen because of the world that we live. It's very interesting, I think. But who cares that he was gay? First of all, he was a Texan fan. Way tougher than doing some gay stuff.

Way tougher. What the F?

More dudes took down David Carr than did sketch ever, huh?

Yeah, he got sacked 73 times in his rookie season. Okay, dude. I mean, good God, he got sacked in his fucking mouth. Dude, That's what sacked means.

And yeah, Skech, I just want to say, man, don't just hang in there if you're feeling any type of way, or just keep your head up, brother. We love you, and Everybody loves you, dude. It doesn't matter whatever has happened or has it. Yeah, whatever. We love you because of who you are. Yeah, and nothing will change that, bro. Just hang in there and know that people have your back. Some people probably have your front, too. Some of these people are perverts. But just know I love you, bro, and I'm just one of the millions of people that do. Just hang in there, champ.

Skech, we love it. You're fine. Yeah. Don't stress about this nonsense.

Now people do what they want, bro. Some people are gay, some people are straight, some people don't even know. Some people don't even have a sexuality. There's kids out there, not kids, but adult children or whatever who don't even know. They're like, I don't even know. I like to go to the library or whatever. I didn't even know I had a wiener. You'll have somebody say that sometimes.

Yeah, they didn't even know what a library is, but they're going to go to it.

Yeah, you'll even have a guy being like, Oh, look at this long pussy I have with balls under it.

Yeah, look at these fucking fresh fucking labes. Look at how many labias do I have? I have pussies in my armpits. I don't even know what's going on anymore.

Yeah, somebody be like, Oh, look at this long vagina I have.

Look at this vagina. Oh, I'm going to fucking bring this to Bourbon Street. Throw some beads in my purse.

We love you, sketch. And sorry you're having to deal with that or if it's scaring you or whatever. I just can't imagine it'll be very scary.

What is scary about that? Haunted House is scary. I don't think he's gay.

It sounds like he had addiction issues, and maybe he was doing it for money. So it was something he was keeping secret.

And his Fame really happened overnight in the last six months. And everybody who loved him found that out. A thing he doesn't have to be ashamed for, but he's already felt ashamed for it, so he was just scared. It sounds like he was in really bad shape yesterday, but the streamers from Faizklan really supported him, and he went over there. I think it's all good. I think he's only going to be bigger, to be honest.

Yeah, I think that's what I'm saying. I just feel so much that he's scared. That's what makes me...

But what are you scared of?

It's like, you're not going to fucking die. He's fine. Right, but I think for a lot of people, it feels like the internet is the only be all in all. You I are at a different age where it's not as much, right?

We're different ages.

But for the younger generation, I think that is it, right? Is that making sense now?

Right. That makes sense. Where it's like, okay, that's the jury of my life. You know what I mean? Where it's like, it's not.

We still have a little bit more of like, there's a human jury and there's an online jury. But I think it gets-Who fucking cares? I agree. You know what I'm saying? But the power of it is intense. I mean, even the power of just your video where they had, if you guys were drinking or had done edibles and what you're going to call it? It was like, look how much news. You know what I'm saying? It was like, yes, it doesn't matter, but the media doesn't fucking care what matters.

Right. But I didn't hold a grain of salt to when it came out on TMZ where it was like, nick Swartzen is hammered on stage and whatever, like edibles. I'm like, yeah, all right. What the fuck? Who cares? Everybody out there just listening. Don't worry about the internet and comments. It's fucking dumb and superfluous. It makes no sense. Just move on. Enjoy your life. Be you and don't kill people.

I think when you're in times, if you're struggling with drugs, people will get into some wild stuff. If people are out there.

Everyone's done wild shit. What the fuck?

Oh, yeah, I agree.

You look back at your past, you've done some fucking nose nachos. Dude, I've- Somebody's had some nose nachos in their past.

Some of those fucking Yeah, fucking, fucking.

Some of that fucking snout mustard, homie.

You feel me?

That fucking dick mayonnaise.

No, I'm good. I wanted some Coke. Okay, Joe. Don't be that guy. No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding, man. You want this Wiener Coke, homie? I want to tell you about Blue Chew. That's right. Blue Chew, baby. If this wiener is a rockin, don't come and knock in. Blue Chew, baby. They'll get that wiener. Blue Chew is a unique online service that delivers the same active ingredients as Viagra, Cialis, and Lovitra, but at a fraction of the cost in an achievable form. The process is simple. Sign up at bluechew. Com. Consult with one of their licensed medical providers. And once you're approved, you'll receive your prescription within days. That's right. Bluechew tablets are made in the USA. Weaner. And prepared and shipped directly to your door. Get that weaner up, baby. Bluetooth wants to help you have better sex. I like Bluetooth. You can have a little bite, a little nibble. You can take a hole and do what you want to do. Do that thing, Daddy. And we've got a special deal for our listeners. Try Bluetooth free. When you use our promo code, Theo, at checkout, just pay $5 shipping. That's a good deal.

That's bluechew. Com, promo code T-HE-O, to receive your first month free. Visit bluechew. Com for more details and important safety information. We thank Bluechew for sponsoring the podcast. This episode is sponsored by Betterhelp. If you struggle with your relationship with yourself or or with a loved one, with your children, with a brother, with a family member. Sometimes what helps is to practice that relationship with a therapist, to practice conversations that you haven't been able to have yet. And better help can connect you with a therapist. If you're thinking of starting therapy, give better help a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. Just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapists at any time for no additional charge. Stop comparing and start focusing with betterhelp. Visit betterhelp. Com/theo today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelphelp. Com/theo. Dude, you know what I saw the other day? Did I tell you I heard that Frederick Douglass was gay? Did I tell you that?

Frederick Frederick Douglass, the old black author?

Yeah. There he is. Bro, hit that picture right there above. One.

How did that come? Come on.

Bro, you telling me, bro.

And look, I respect How did that come out that Frederick Douglass is gay?

Bro, I respect fucking F Doug to the end, bro.

Yeah, he's a legend.

But don't even tell me, bro. He was like, Little Nas, Xscape.

He looks like he was the other member of Color Me Bad.

Yeah, dude.

I want to sex you up.

And I TikTok it all night.

Sweaty genitals, sweating genitals.

Bro, FDR. I just heard that. I'm not saying that. That's something that I've heard a lot.

Yeah, did you grow up with them? How did you even know that?

No, it was just you would read it on places. You would read like little- Where did you read that? Just so what's it called- spade. Com? No, when people write something on a bench or whatever, Henry got fucked or whatever. You're like, well, is he okay?

What's going on? I don't read benches and live by it.

But benches used to be the internet, though. You didn't have the internet, did you? You had whatever somebody wrote on them.

Bathroom walls and all that.

Yeah, that was the internet. Don't you know that? The original I read it.

I guess, yeah, that's a valid- Larry Sucks, Cuck, or whatever.

You're like, oh, God, good to know.

Gary's got that gay flu.

Yeah. Motherfuckers. Hit me up for free tires or whatever. Like a 1,800 number. But that was the internet. It was the bathroom wall or benches, man.

Yeah, that's true.

You know what I was looking at recently, man? There's gay animals out there. What? Name a couple. How about this then? I know some of them, okay? You tell me which-Personally or the genre of the animal? Let's go genre. Not specific animal because you can't be like, Oh, Paddington bear or whatever. But I want a genre of an animal or a species. That's the Are you the right space?

Spaces.

Spaces, yeah. You tell me an animal, I'll tell you if it's gay or not.

A panda.

Not sure.

Okay. Giraffe.

Fuck, yeah, dude. Yeah.

Giraffe, bro. Just dripping dicks. They got fucking waterfall penises. They just hang down.

Well, that neck, too. A neck is just a long penis with sounds in it.

It's like the Ron Jeremy of Horses.

Basically, and here's the trick about being a giraffe. Giraffe, your head and eyes are so far from your wiener that if a guy blows you or whatever, you can pretend it's not a guy if you want, right? Because you're so far- You can't see. You're so far removed from it. If I'm up here and somebody's just whistling on my root or whatever, I can pretend it's whoever. But if I'm right here like a human, it's hard to be in denial.

You can see fucking Steve and Mark. Right.

You can see somebody with a-Showing your fucking butt puss. Yeah, you can see somebody with a Terry McLaren jersey or something on just harping you You know? Yeah. Look at this. Okay, dude. Oh, whoa.

Hold on. That did not go well.

Why? That thing is pop-locking. Whoa, homie, bro.

She's crying since times.

And that is how you meet a man out there in the woods, buddy. Dude, what if a lion's sucking your dick?

How fucking sweet would that be? Well, you're a giraffe. Giraffe is definitely-No teeth. The The lion's just… Maybe the lion doesn't have teeth. It does. That's why we… Okay.

It does. It would nibble that thing down just like somebody just biting down a piece of thing of mistletoe.

Okay, I like that.

Some vegetarian.

Yes or no? Elephant, gay or no?

Elephant, no. Two, just…

Dude, what about if the trunk goes into your gym and then you can suck your own dick? Does that make the We don't know.

What about... Guess another one.

Cheetah.

No. They dress gay, I think, but I don't think they are.

But they do dress gay. Or they dress either. They dress like '80s hairband gay.

Yeah, like Italian women.

Yeah, Jersey housewives. Yeah. At a Poison concert.

Yeah. God, that's good. Yeah, they dress pretty gay. What about here? I'll tell you, I'll give you a clue. Nighttime, Halloween.

Bats?

Bats. Bats are way gay, dude.

How are bats gay?

First of all, they're hiding in the dark. You can't even see what's going on. Something just flies right into your wing or whatever. It could be like, Oh, I'm a... That's the craziest thing. The dark is just this... It's the ultimate...

Or it's also like, I'm sleeping upside down, but they're trying to suck their own dick. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

So what about Batman?

Oh, it's dark. I'm going to fly into some other bats and just whatever happens, that shit.

I'm going to fly into Robin, who's a fucking gay bird. Yeah.

Oh, I'm not gay. It's just really dark in here. Bat thing. Yeah. Bats have bats. I got it. Oh, right here in Wild Little Brown Bats, males often mount other males during late autumn and winter when many of the mounted individuals are torpid. 35% of mating during this period are homosexual. What does torpid mean, nick?

Yeah, what is torpid?

I've never even heard that word. Mentally or physically inactive or lethargic. So I guess- Isn't every man- It's like a K-hole, I guess, for animals. When many amount of individuals are torpid. So bats can be gay. Bison's, too. Bison's. Look up bison's being gay, please.

That can't be right.

Bison's, dude.

Aren't they basically Buffaloes?

The American bison is a bovine mammal which displays homosexual behavior. Look at him right there. Full anal penetration between bulls has been noted to occur among American bison. Wow.

Put in gay bison. And let me know where that bar is.

Oh, that's gay. Sorry. Right there. Zoom in on that picture. Look at the kid. He's off at school or whatever that area is of the yard. And this dude is trying to holler at that, his dad.

I mean, good Lord.

And that one's in blackface. I want to say, I don't know if that's okay to say or not.

Well, faces can be black.

Anyway, just wanted to go down a little trail there. Yeah. But yeah. That was a treasure trail. Yeah, I think the crazy part is just like, Yeah, I don't know. I just feel for a sketch. I hope that he's okay.

He'll be fine. He's alive. That's all you want, just to be alive.

Oh, dude, totally. Good God. Even that's tough, bro. Sometimes if somebody was like, Would you want to be alive? Sometimes he's going to be active.

I mean, yeah, but it's like, when I wake up every day, I'm like, Fuck, here we go. Yeah. Christ in heaven.

But if somebody right now is like, Would you want to be alive or-Be a bison. Or do you want to have a really nice lunch?

What does the lunch consist of?

Four-course lunch, soup, salad.

From which establishment? It's a new place. Would it be in New Orleans?

It's a new place in town. What about some gumbo?

It's a new place. Some gumbo.

It's a new place.

Some jumbalais, and some maybe a hurricane, and then jumbreys, and then blue.

He just comes out of his throat, hums the dessert in your mouth. Dude, they used to have that restaurant called Lambertz, where they throw the roll across the-Love Lambertz. You've been there?

Yeah, of course. Wow. Yeah. It's not my first fucking rodeo, bro.

They would throw the roll. They got to fell to Earth.

Fucking wig, gipsy.

They'd throw the roll to you across town. I think Billy Yeah, it'd be like a curveball. There it is right there. That's the guy who'll throw the roll to you right there. Lambert's home of the throw rolls, and they'll hum a bread over at you.

Yeah, amazing.

Right there. That guy probably… Is that Kirk Cousins right there?

That's not.

That's Kirk. Oh, yeah. That's an Amish dude. Now, this is way greater than anything sketch did. You know what I'm saying?

Yeah.

Underhand tossing a bread roll to somebody in a full restaurant.

I would take that guy over Kirk Cousins for the Vikings.

But yeah, I just can't even believe that that's the biggest issue. I think him being a Texans fan for the past however long they've been in existence.

But I mean, they're exciting. I love Houston very much.

Now, yeah.

Yeah. But I mean, back in the day, they were just- Back in the day was two years ago. It was just like JJ Watt was just trying to play every position and try to keep him alive. Good God. That's why we pray.

What else, man? What else is happening?

What else is going on? I'm going on to our Toilet Head, nicksworthson. Net. Got my new special, July 18th on YouTube. Game on.

Oh, I did see you-I'm doing Happy Go More, too. You're doing Happy Go More, too? You're in.

Yeah.wow.you're in.

You're going to play.

I'm going to play Adam's Ketty.Wow.Yeah, super excited.

Have you already read the script or not?

There's no script yet. We'll be starting shooting in the fall.

Congratulations, bro. I know you're excited about that.

Then David Spade. I don't know what he's doing. I think he's homeless. David? Yeah, we pray.

Do you know... There you go. Community next four. It's announced that he will play as Adam Sandler's Candy in Happy Gilmore 2. How did that come to pass? Did Adam ask you about it? How does that work?

He called me up and he goes, Why? Why is it?

Why is it?

I go, Hey, what's No, he goes, Hey, I'm doing Happy Go More 2. I'm like, Oh, that's fucking awesome. Because he had turned it down for decades. He was like, Never wanted to do a reboot of it or a sequel. And he was like, Yeah. He's like, I don't have a script yet, but I wanted to play the caddy. And I'm like, Yeah, fuck yeah. Amazing. So I'm super stoked.

Any opportunity for a Grandma's Boy 2, you think?

No, I got off for Grandma's Boy 2. I turned it down. Really? Yeah. I just like, sequels are so tricky, especially with comedy. So I was like, Yeah, I thought about it for a minute. The only sequel I ever wanted to do really bad, and I thought of a whole concept, was Benchmarkers 2. So I really wanted to do that. We lost the rights to the fucking movie, and they made some bonkers shit show of a sequel. But I had a whole outline of it. That was the only one I would do a sequel to.

Bitch Wormers, too.

Yeah, it's like balls fart or something.

Yeah.

Yeah, whatever. Mine would have been Balls Shart.

So you'll be in that? That's awesome, man.

In Happy Humor, yeah.Yeah..

What else did I just see? I saw him. Oh, Steve Stevo is getting breast implants. Did you see that?

Is he really doing that? I'm doing a show with him tomorrow night. Are you? Yeah. We're doing the Dr. Phil with Adam Re.

Oh, yeah. Feel them freaking B-Cups for me then. Yeah, I think he's going to get them for couple of months. Is it a fundraiser he's doing it for?

That's the most Stevo thing ever. By the way, Steve was amazing. I love him.

But getting tits is...

Is he going to get rid of his penis?

I don't know. Let me see. This says right here, Jack S. Star, Steve-O confirmed this week he's going to undergo breast augmentation for a laugh during an appearance on the X5 podcast on Wednesday. The 50-year-old prankster said he's been thinking about getting a pair of fake breasts for years. I came up with the idea a few years ago to get a boob job and just film a bunch of legitimately funny hidden camera pranks with me in disguise in various disguises. I spoke with the doctors and I said to them candidly, The one thing I'm really flicked out about and bummed out about and would back out of this over is if I'm just going to be a mess afterwards. He's going to get D-Cups. Wow. I wouldn't go that heavy, I don't think.

Yeah, that's a little aggressive.

Two months, it comes out. Absolutely no issues. That's what the doctor told him.

Wow. But D-Cups is aggressive.

Yeah. This feels, why not just wear fake boobs to me? Why not just wear a- Yeah, totally. Like a prosthetic tit or something.

Or synthetic. What is it? Yeah. Yeah, a few years ago, to get a boob job.

If you go through this, X5 will pay for that.

Oh, wow. And pay for Sam to take it out.

Look, I just so haven't had my checkbook. It's not a problem.

Dude, that actually means a lot to me. Thanks, though. Oh, my God.

Wow.

I'm going to see him tomorrow, so I'll ask him. I'll text you.

That's incredible, man. Yeah, getting some breasts would be… I don't know if I would love them. What do you think, nick?

I don't think I want I don't want breasts. I don't think I want that. I mean, that would be… D-Cups, again, is like, that's a haul. You're hauling some fucking weight. Yeah. You got some mammaries right there, and you don't have a fake baby to suck on them. Totate-cons. You know what I'm saying.

And there's no way you're not going to put your tongue on them a little if you have them.

Well, no, You got to eat them out. Yeah, you want to be fucking nip.

Yeah, I mean, I would definitely just juice box those little bad boys.

Yeah, but I want juice boxes in my tips. Oh, yeah. So I want some Capri Suns and then Sucking on a vacation, come follow me. Let me praise him. But yeah, I would for sure feel my- Would you get some?

I don't know. It just seems like a lot. After the thing happened in Colorado, did people call you and express concern? I was concerned. I reached out. I was like, Dude, what's going on?

I know you hit me up. You were like, What in the fuck? And I was like, God, I've already been through hell and back. I was like, Yeah, I got too high in Colorado. I'm like, What the fuck? People were like, Okay, well.

That's true.

My bad.

That was me.

No, it's fine. Well, you're a good friend.

I was like, What's going on, man?

No, it was a valid question. But I was like, You guys, people that know me, they're like, Yeah, okay, you're fine. You know what I mean? I'm not bonkers. It was just a slip. You know what I mean? Where I was like, Yeah, I just made the mistake of taking the edible. And I still take edibles. And I don't even do any other drugs. People think I'm some cuckoo brain. It's like, No, I know my shit. I'm smart as fuck.

Did people start coming to the shows and wanting you to do the same thing, trip out or whatever?

Well, yeah. Like I said, I did two shows sold out in Aspen. People were throwing edibles at me. Then so people afterwards were like, Okay, what's going to happen? I would address it on stage. I was very candid. I'm like, You had a bad day at work. You ever had a bad day and you end up on the fucking news? Yeah, that's a blast. But my shows after that, people can attest to that. Columbus, Omaha, Philly, Houston, they're all great. My new set is fire. It's awesome. Nick Swartzen.

You feel good about it?

Yeah, I love it. I talk about Norm McDonald a lot. Oh, yeah? Yeah, I got three Norm stories that are great.

Do you remember? Did you ever go to his birthday party or anything?

Yeah, I went to everything.

Really?

Yeah.

Where He was one of his birthday parties at? I never got to go to it.

Well, he would have ones at his house. Oh, yeah? Yeah.

Oh, that's nice.

But I remember one of my favorite moments is I was on tour with Sandler, Spade, and Schneider and Norm, and we were in Connecticut, Mohican Sun, and we were backstage, and Norm and I were in the hallway, and there was a security guard walking down, and he had a gun. Security guard, but long hallway. I saw it and I go to Norm and I go, Hey, that guy Guys got a gun? Norm was really paranoid about death.

He goes, What?

A gun? That guy's got a gun? I was like, Yeah. He goes in the Sandler's dressing room. It's, again, Adam, David, and Rob. Norm goes in, he goes, Hey, there's a guy with a gun. Adam goes, What the fuck? Are you serious? Everyone's freaking out. I go, No, it's a security guy. I was joking. Everyone's like, What? And Norm goes, Yeah, you said there's a guy with a gun. I'm like, Yeah, I know. It was a joke. And he goes, Why is that funny? And Adam's like, What the fuck is wrong with you? I'm like, No, I was just trying to mess with Norm. It's fine. It's fine. And they're like, That's a joke? Fucking psycho. And I just went to my room alone.

I'm just sat there and I was like, There's a guy with a gun.

How do you-Yeah, what? No, a gun. No.

It's like-How do I teach you how to do it? Teach you how to do it.

Do what? He's a guy with a gun. Yeah, no. It's like a little bit of a hesitation where it's like, and you got to do the hands. Yeah, what? No. A gun? Yes. Now there's a guy. He's got a gun or what?

A guy with a gun?

Yeah, it's better. What? What? He's not dead. He's not a dead body. You got to have a voice. He's a guy with a gun. No, you're doing a dead body voice.

He's a guy with a gun. No.

The guy with a gun. That was good.

Thanks, dude.

That was better, Doug.

What's another impersonation? Can you do anything? Morgan Freeman?

I do a couple of impressions that I will save for my new hour. I'm not going to spoil it.

There he is right there.

Look at that.

What a fuck. Don Nautz. I loved him.

Oh, yeah, that was I'm not going well. I'm coming in your butt. That's so stupid.

That's the worst done nuts. Well, listen, man. Hey, your mouth is my toilet. That's a That's done nuts ever, dude.

That's not that bad. It's fucking- It's like a dog shit snowman.

That's not done nuts.

What? That's done, not.

I got it. I can do more Morgan Freeman. They said it would take a man 600 years to get out of this here prison. But I ended up framed it in less than 20.

That was Frederick Douglass.

Oh, really? Where them boys at. That's Frederick Douglass, dude.

No, you eat me out. Yeah, you don't know.

What's something you miss about when you were younger? Is there anything you ever have nostalgia for, ever, you feel like?

Breaking things.

Yeah.

I remember back in the day, growing up in the '80s. Yeah, 1980s. I remember it was like we would have like, Okay, go outside and play. I would just break things. I would find things in the dumpster. Remember dumpsters? Yeah. You would find some light bulbs and then…

Break those bitches.

Maybe some fireworks.

We don't know. The best was if you worked somewhere and we need you to take these fluorescent bulbs out. We just change them out. Yeah, there's the best.

And they would fucking explode. And the powder would come out. And then you would orgasm.

Did you ever meet Michael Jackson or not?

No. Damn. Not yet.

What about... Spacey just did a podcast. Did you ever meet him?

Kevin Spacey? No.

Really?

I never did. I saw him at a party, and he looked at my genitals. That was fine.

That's where he looks.

Yeah. No, I never met him. He does a podcast?

He just had a podcast.

Is he over his...

He just did one. Is he over the allegations against him? I guess nothing ever happened. He has his own podcast now?I don't understand what's going on with this.

No, that was about his trial, not.

Okay.

Yeah, I don't know who's canceled or what is going on. It's fucking weird.

I don't think anybody's canceling where nobody gives a fuck. Who gives a fuck? Kanye got Cant. Nobody gives a fuck. He's still selling out tours. Nobody cares what somebody says in the media. Nobody even reads them.

It's so bizarre. It's so ambiguous because you're like, who is Are they still... Can we...

I think you can do whatever you want. It feels like.

I'm going to fucking fuck this plant. Yeah. Then cancel me. See how that plays out.

It's fine with me.

I'm going to fuck your No. Yeah, I'm going to take a shit on your wig.

Don't do that.

Shit wig. Don't. That's my next special.

Buddy.

Shit wig.

Hey, shit wig. I'm in. Dude, what's something... Tell me something else from like a... Let me think of a good... Oh, this was the best. This is the best touring story I ever heard, right? I don't remember who told it to me, but they said that one night they were at... They'd done a show at a Comedy Club. They'd get off stage, and their opener, they were both staying at the same hotel. They said, right when they get off stage, this hot chick comes and rushes up and is like, flirting with them. She's like, Let's go back to my place. Her place was like 30 minutes away. The comic was like, No, let's just go back to my hotel room. They go back to the hotel, and she starts getting super belligerent. It's throwing shit at him in the room and stuff. Being like, Let's go to my place. Let's go to my place. She's like, I have drugs there. Finally, the comedian is like, Fuck, this is too He goes crazy, man. He throws her out of his room. She goes down the hall, or when she's leaving somehow, she comes across the opener who was also staying at the hotel.

The opener leaves with the chick, goes to her house. They take a taxi there, whatever. They get inside. The check they're hooking up, they take some pills, or the girl took a pill or something like that. The girl handcuffs the guy to a bed starts giving him a BJ, and she passes out. So now the dude's handcuffed to the bed. This check is passed out on his lap, and he sees some headlights come through the windows of a car pulling into the driveway. So he was like, Oh, fuck. A man comes in, walks down the hallway, looks in the bedroom where this dude is on the bed with this shit, right? Goes into the kitchen or whatever, does something, comes back, gets the girl, takes her out of there, puts her somewhere, comes back in the room, tells the dude, If I ever see you at my house again, I'm going to fucking kill you, blows the dude.

I was hoping you were going to say that.

Then lets him go, dude, and gave him all his shit and fucking sent him walking. The headlining comedian says 5 AM, he gets a call, and it's the opener, and the opener is at a gas station or something, 25:00 minutes away and needs some help.

Oh, my God.

I don't know if that's a true story, but it was the guy who told it to me.

I want to believe it's true.

It was so... It had to be true.

Well, detailed.

Yeah. Oh, that'd be the worst, dude.

Why? The guy, did he come? I don't know. I mean, that's a valid question.

It's just that- You have fucking multiple miles on your dick. It just makes me sad. That's stuff that's going on. The bait and switch type of thing.

That makes you sad? Yeah. Do you cry over it? You weep.

I wouldn't cry over it.

But you said sadness.

What bums me out? It didn't bum you out that somebody's getting chained up at a house thinking they're going to hook up with a girl, and then somebody stepdad or whatever comes in and BJs them out?

No.

Well, if I only had a heart.

Yeah, no, it's amazing. What else, man? I mean, road stories. One story I had. I had to do a gig in Philly. It was a casino. I had to go through Dallas. I had a casino in Iowa. So same day. This is not a similar story in any way. It's a weird segue, but it was one of my favorite moments of the spring tour. I go Philly through Dallas, Sioux Falls, drive to Iowa. Again, same day, key detail. I go, and my flight's at 6:00 in the morning. I've got to make this I'm going to show in Iowa. I go to the airport 9:00 PM, and I'm like, I'm just going to sleep at the airport. I show up at 9:00 PM, I'm like, Hey, I'll just sleep at the gate.

What airport?

Philadelphia. Okay. I'm like, I'll just sleep at the airport. I'll sleep at the airport? Yeah, I was like, I'll just sleep under. I don't fucking care. I'll just fucking sleep on the floor in front of the gate.

What do you mean you'll sleep at the airport?

My flight was at 6:00 in the morning. I've seen people sleep all the time at the airport. It's an airport. Yeah, I know. I'm like, Whatever. Fuck it.

Yeah, you're right.

9:00 PM, night before, and I go, Hey, can I just sleep here? And they were like, No. They were like, TSA is closed. And I'm like, Oh, fuck. And they're like, We have a Marriott airport hotel. And I'm like, Oh, okay. So I go to the Marriott, connected to the airport, and I go, Hey, can I get a room? And they're like, No, we're sold out, oversold out. And I go, Motherfucker. I'm like, Are you serious? And they were like, Yeah. So I go to the airport bar at the Marriott, and I'm like, Can I get a cocktail? So this couple that I had met in Key West, and they go, nick, Swartzen. I go, Yeah, what's up? And they go, What are you doing? I'm like, I'm fucking homeless. I'm homeless. I have no place to stay. I got a flight to Dallas tomorrow. And they go, We're on that Dallas flight. I go, Oh, cool. And they're like, You don't have a room? I'm like, No. So do you want to crash on our floor? I just slept on this couple's floor. They were so nice. I literally slept on their floor. They gave me a pillow, slept on the floor.

Oh, wow. And then we woke up four in the morning, made our flight. I made the gig, and that was great.

Were they trying to be a swinger thing or no?

No, not at all. It was just like, Hey, do you want to crash? I'm like, I don't know what other comic would do that. I would just sleep on a floor. I vaguely knew them from Key West. They were really sweet. But I was just like, Yeah, I'm just going to... Yeah.

Dude, my buddy Jiggy, he opens up with Impractical Joker sometimes.

Okay. They're great, by the way. Those guys are awesome.

Comedian. He was on a plane talking to a girl, flirting, having a good time. The plane ends up getting delayed. It doesn't leave the tarmac. It goes back to the gate. The girl speaks a little bit of a different language, but the girl says, You can come and stay with me. So my buddy's like, Holy shit. I'm going to go stay at this girl's place. What are the odds? They get to the place. It's the girl's grandmother's house. Him, the girl, and the grandmother all slept in the same bed just watching a movie. What? Yeah. Any new pets in your life?

I do not. I wish. I travel so much. I love cats and dogs. I'm addicted, fully addicted to Instagram animal videos. I spend maybe ballpark 2 hours a day watching animal videos and just sending them to people, my family, my friends.

There's something beautiful about that. There's something I love seeing a little animal. I got to meet some alpacas yesterday, or not yesterday, one week ago.

I mean, that's amazing. Where was that?

It was in Utah. Just had a beautiful time. Forward to those alpacas a little bit. All right. See if you can see it here. I love our bag. Here we go. My boys got them.

Hey, buddies.

Oh, damn. Wow, bro. That's why I quit smoking, homie.Dang.Dang.Beautiful.Yeah. That's amazing.Yeah, they're amazing.Wow, they're beautiful, huh? And their fur. That's good, brother. And their fur is so warm and soft. Their fur is so warm and soft, dude.

And some of them look so weird.

And look at this dude, John Rogan, dude. That was our bus driver.John Rogan?Yeah.

Is he related to Joe?

He grew up in the same town.Is.

That true?Yeah. My favorite is I had lunch with Joe Rogan recently, and he had Genie Sashimi. He brought a Jeanie lamp and rubbed it. Jeanie came out, and Joe cut it up, fucking ate it.

That's beautiful.

Yeah, he's not afraid.

Dude, I think sometimes I wish my fucking... I wish I hadMetal legs? No, because it'd be so clangy when you were sitting down.

Yeah, not if you sit right. That's why you crossed your legs.

You wish you had more balls, you could handle it or not? I think two is good?

I think two is fine. I mean, ideally, I would like eight. Little fucking satchel.

Little family, huh?

Yeah, little fucking hobo satchel. That little stick with a fucking satch.

Oh, yeah. Like a little spider carrying their eggs or whatever. Exactly.

Then they spread and fucking disease.

Have you ever had a STD or not?

I have not. Not yet.

Sure, dude.

I'll be on tour. Nicksworths and.

Everybody lies with that, dude. You see that lady that hid those drugs and those burritos?

Is that a euphemism?

Drug disguised as taco Bell burritos found during traffic stop.

Great. Now I want a taco Bell. Thanks.

Wow. You ever do some good blow back in the day, nick, ever?

I was never a big coke guy, but I did do it one time where it was really good, 20 years I am. Yeah. It was pure.

You guys have a long night on it. Do you remember that or not?

I remember it was in Atlanta, fucking ATL. I'll be there on tour, nick Swartz. I'm just I'm going to keep whoring myself. No, but I went to some bar and I did blow up this fucking black dude who's cool as shit. Then we talked philosophy all night. Oh, yeah. It was like one of those cocaine conversations. It was just fucking We were just back and forth, and we were talking about the difference between Plato and Socrates and then existentialism. Really? Yeah, it got bonkers. Because I love transcendentalism and existentialism. I haven't seen existentialism. Emerson and Thoreau. I can talk all that stuff. But it was a great night. It was great.

I got cornered by two brothers one time at a pizza joint, actually, out there near Palm Springs. They were the first people that ever talked about flat earth. Two brothers. You wouldn't expect that.

You would.

Yeah, you might be right.

Yeah, you would. What was the pizza joint?

It was at a casino out there. I was working at a casino and had a pizza place in it. I don't remember the name of it. Okay.

It was at a casino, though. It wasn't like a franchise. It wasn't like Pizza Hut.

I did a movie in Southern Indiana, and it was retarded.

My friend Michael Rosenbaum's movie is great. It's called Back in the Day.

It's awesome. Is it out yet?

Yeah, it's on DVD. Oh, nice. Yeah, it's great. Great movie. But we were in Southern Indiana. Michael was awesome. I go, Do you guys have a... What's a nice restaurant here? They're like, We have a Pizza Hut, and that was their fancy place. I was like, All right. So I went to Pizza Hut. But that was their bar. They were like, Yeah, we have a fancy place. Pizza Hut. Yeah.

Pizza Hut's like-I still have diarrhea. Pizza is like that thing, whatever you put in it, it's still going to be... You can tell because of the roof. It's almost like if somebody's trans or whatever, no matter what you do, you can know because of the roof what the original structure was.

Yeah, totally.

It could be a Chase bank and you're like, Yeah, but... Yeah, but what was it? We know there was breadsticks up here. Yeah. Yeah.

Also, whenever hut is in the word, there's nothing classy about like, Yeah, let's go to Sushi Hut. No, I'm not doing that. Let's go to fucking China Hut. That's not good. It's a hut.

Or Fog's Bistro. I'm like, I don't know if that's what you should eat at. Dude, we had a dude one time in our neighborhood. I knew we were talking about racial clothing or whatever earlier, but he had The hat said the N-word on the front. He sold this hat. It said the N-word. On the back, it said just joking across the bat.

Who the fuck sold that?

I guess an entrepreneur or whatever. I don't know what it's called.

What? An entrepreneur.

Or an entrepreneur, dude.

Yeah, I guess so. Hard entrepreneur.

But it was crazy because at first I just saw the front of it, and I was like, Oh, man, you I went. You're like, I'll buy that. I was like, Save me one, but I wouldn't make a lot of those. But then he goes, Dude, no. And he turns around and says, Just joking across the bat. I was like, Oh.

That's so weird.

Yeah, it's It's like one of those gimmicky shirts or whatever.

No, I get what it is.

Can you see that video where they find them?

What if it was a Yamaka?

The mentally challenged guy, and they catch him. They accuse him of being a child predator, and then they make him wear a shirt that said, I went to I got up with a child, and all I got was this stupid shirt. Can you believe that shit?

Is that real? Yeah. That's amazing. Can you pull it up, nick?

It's on TikTok, I think. But there's a lot of this child predator stuff now. You see that guy And then, Vitali and maybe in Bradley, Martin, they caught a Hollywood executive. They surprised him at a pizza place. But it's crazy that just regular everyday citizens now have become officers.

Right.

Here you go right here.

What is your name? Boris. My name is Boris. Boris. What's your name? Shake my hand. What's the problem? Why do you see my daughter? You know how old she is? I don't know. I have no idea. You have no idea.

I have no idea.

You have no idea? No. What the fuck you thought was going to happen here? We're going to have a pizza. I don't know. Pizza? Yeah, you don't know? How old is she? Red. You know how old she is? I messed with her.

She was 23 on a dating site.

23. Is that what the conversation looked like? You remember the text messages? She was 23 on a dating site. On a dating site? Yes. Yeah? Yeah, she was 23 on a dating site. How old is she? I have no idea.

Laila, how old are you? Fifteen. I'm sorry. Fifteen.

She was 23 on a dating site. All we've done is-So she didn't tell you how old she was?

That's good. She did? How old is she? That's Bradley Martin talking. Some of you guys can't see it if you're just on audio. But they just stopped this guy who, I guess, met up with a girl at a pizza place. But you're seeing a lot of this now.Vigilante.Vigilante. Yeah.

You're seeing it everywhere.

Yeah, but why does it always come back to pizza? Yeah. That's a good question. Why don't we ban pizza?

Yeah, because-Let's get rid of pizza.

But yeah, I think-Or open up a Pizza Slut Hut.

Did they lose their job, nick, because of that, though?

No, it just went away.

Oh. But I thought Vitali got kicked off a kick.

I thought you were talking about the writer. I'm looking that up if he got kicked off. I don't know who that is.

It's a streamer. These streamers, it's a tough business, man, could you imagine that? Milanacus did it for a while.

Yeah, he was one of the originals. Andy started streaming way back in the day. I was like, What the fuck is going on here?

Because it'd be crazy when you're around him, he's just streaming. He's just this whole universe going in. It's like you're literally stuck in the internet, it feels like.

Well, It's nonstop content. It's like, I can't.

It feels exhausting.

It feels super exhausting. I am so tired of just touring enough and coming out like, new special, July 18th. But just touring and doing my nonsense and filming. But I can't imagine nonstop having your phone like, Hey, I'm here in Pizza Hut. How old are you? I'm just like, Oh, my God.

Dude, imagine if you're just trying to... This must be the worst part. You're sitting there, you're just trying to enjoy your meal, and somebody Next to you is a child predator. Now your meal is ruined.

And you're in the background.

Yes. People are like- People are like, Dude, I saw you hanging out with that child predator. You're hanging out. I was at table seven.

Yeah, and they're like, Rick, are you affiliated with Gary? Who's fucking putting babies on his asshole?

And what's in your new special? Is it tough to make a new special these days?

I mean, it's hard as shit because it's like, and I think you know this, you've done it long enough where it's like, when you have a new hour, so I have a new hour coming out, again, July 18th, and then a whole new hour in the fall. So every time you have a new hour, it's so daunting where I'm like, Can I think of another hour after this? I don't know. This might be my last one. I don't know. You know what I mean? Yeah. Whenever you think of a new hour, it's so hard to write a good hour.

Oh, yeah. I've had bits where I'm like, Oh, I'll never have another good bit. This is the best bit I'll ever have.

Yeah, I'm always like, I'm done.

This is my favorite joke, and this is what I got, and that's it.

Yeah, totally. But my new hour is fired, dude. It's fun as shit.

What are some of the things you're discussing? Is it about a certain part of your life? Is it about growing up? Or is it just stories? Or what is it?

It's all over the place. If you've seen my shows, which people have, it's storytelling, one-liners. It's all over the map, like observational.

Diarrheia stuff or no?

There's a couple of D-rays. A couple of D-rays. I make sure my fans know. You show up, you're going to hear a D-ray.

We're spraying it on the walls, homie.

Yeah. Of course, poopy.

Well, yeah, it's just crazy how there's vigilanteism now.

It's like, Yeah, which is cool. But if it's warranted, you know what I mean? It's like, yeah.

What do you mean? People listening to Warrant?

Yeah, like the band Warrant. She's my... But yeah, if it's warranted, yeah, of course. But I remember the first time somebody ever touched your genitals or not? Yeah, vaguely.

Where was it? What count or whatever?

It was at my family reunion.Oh, yeah.Yeah. That's why we pray.

Yeah, do we need more fucking gay animals? We need... And we got to support our gay animals. That's the thing.

We have to.

You know?

Girafes. If you see a giraffe, suck its dick. It's right there. It's hanging fruit.

It's so big, though. You know how big it's going to be?

Yeah, but why don't you just suck it up? What if it slip?

What if it just- Why don't you suck it up? Dude, it'll rip your jaw open if he fucking moves over the left or whatever.

Yeah, when you get a new jaw, when you get jaw implants.

You're going to be in a neck brace because you try to blow some giraf, dude.

Yeah, then you have a great story. Yeah. Then people are like, What happened to your jaw?

Turtle head.

Giraf dick.

New special coming out. Our tour, sorry.Toylet head.Sorry. Toilet Head. Sorry. Toilet Head.

Did you say Toilet? Toilet Head.

I said turtle head. Sorry, man. I was in Vegas all weekend. My brain is rattled, dude.

His wig is off.

My wig is off.

July 18th, YouTube. Big joke from face, then Toilet Head this fall. Yeah. Game fucking on.

And sketch, we love you, dude. Hang in there. Yeah, I just can't believe that this whole time he's been a Texans fan.

Yeah. Houston.

It's just-We have a problem. Yeah.

I appreciate it.

nick Swarton, thanks for hanging out, dude.

Love you, dude.

Sorry if I was a little bit subdued today, man.

It's a little bit tired. That's okay. I'm fucking always subdued.

Make jokes from Face. That comes out July 18th on YouTube. His tour, Toilet Head. You can get out there now and catch him. Any more edibles on stage, nick? You're done.

We don't know yet. See how this plays out.

Well, I wish it was a night when I could touch your She's my Gary pie.

Oh, yeah. Gary pie.

Dude, I love that.

Oh, I have way there. Oh, spade has no hair.

Dude, Spade took me to his hair doctor. That guy's fucking 2,000 years old, dude.

Oh, yeah.

All right, cool, man. All right, Price. Now, I'm just floating on the breeze, and I feel I'm falling like these leaves.

I must be cornerstone. Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this peace of mind I found I can feel it in my bones. But it's going to take.