I got a few tour dates to tell you about. Wallingford, Connecticut. Portland, Maine. Bangor, Maine. Moncton, Canada. Las Vegas, Nevada. Will be back for the USC LSU football weekend. Oklahoma City, northern. Little Rock. Springfield, Missouri. Kansas City, Missouri. Sioux Falls, South Dakota. Lacrosse, Wisconsin. Green Bay, Wisconsin. Moline, Illinois. You can get tickets for those at theo vaughan.com. feel they wanted to get caught 100%.Well, there is something weird. If you see somebody naked, immediately, you need to know if they have, like, you. You. Like, you can't even help, but there's something inside of you. I guess maybe. I don't know. I don't know.Probably, like, competition. Is it bigger than mine?You know, like, you think? No, I think you just don't. I don't know. I remember I was in a. We were in New Orleans. My girlfriend, we went into Victoria's secrets, right? We went up in there and. Yeah, we both snuck in there and then just started having a little bit of se x boy. And we were young, and so it was. You know, it was so. You know. And not like it was fun. When you're young, it's fun to just do a little bit of fucking or whatever. And it's. Yeah, it was like, yeah, sober sex is for children. I've always said that. And anyway, it was just. That was awesome. I miss her a lot sometimes. And you know, what else was there other sexual instances you guys would see?Oh, yeah. A lot in the parking lot. A lot of go in the parking lot. A lot of employees after work in the parking lot. What?Doing sex in cars.Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. We caught somebody behind the trash can, the dumpsters one time. Like, they coordinated to go take out trash together because the guy told me goes, yeah, I told her to take out trash at, like, 830. And we met.Yeah, it's Romeo and Juliet.Fuck, yeah. And the gross thing is, like, it was the food court trash can, so it smelled like food. And she was like, you couldn't use the one that uses plastic and cardboard.Oh, yeah. That's recyclio and Juliet, dude. Oh, yeah.Right there behind the dumpsters, though.Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. It's hard for me to stay erect if there's broken glass around. Or, like, a bad trash smell is rough.You know, the smell of other pee kind of throws it off too.Oh, dude, I remember. So wiggers. Kind of remember them.Oh, yeah, I was one, yeah.Oh, really? Yeah, right on, dude.Yeah, I had a black step. I have a black stepdad, so grew up in that, you know?Yeah, yeah.And everyone's like, you're a wigger. I'm like, how? There's a real one at my house.Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, but they started at the mall.I feel like, 100%.Yeah. Like, back in the day. I feel like if you needed or you needed a ginger, you went to foot locker or lids. I feel like that's where they kind of. That was, like, their junior college called.Out my whole life right now.I love lids. Lids is the definite place for you to roll up and see what was kind of wiggering around the area, you know? Oh, yeah.Malibu's most wanted was always walking through lids. It was great. And those were the ones.Yeah, yeah. That's where God kept most of the wiggers. I feel like Washington foot locker and lids, dude.Yep. Oh, 100%. 100%. And JC Penney's. They hit out in JCPenney.Really?Yeah, because they. That's where all, like, some urban clothes were at, you know?Yeah.So they would get them on sale. They knew where the sales were.Um, what happened as moles started to decline, man? Did you notice any of that in your time?Yeah, you could definitely tell. Like, over one summer, about ten years, 15 years ago, it was just, like, not packed anymore, wasn't fun anymore. They still had the big movie blockbusters coming out, but people weren't lining up to see Spider man no more. You know? Like, once you see the theater die out, I think that's when the mall is done. Once the theater starts going and you can't draw anybody in there. Cause that's. Theater has always been, like, the hub of why you go to, like, the mall sometimes, you know? Like, what are you going there for? I'm going to the movies, you know?Right.But as soon as that decline started, it just. You can see it, like, it's sad when you see, like, empty stores in the mall, you know? Like, oh, man, I used to go there and it's like, well, it's not there anymore. It's like, put something in there and they'll put, like, a phone store in there. Or they just.Yeah.Now Apple's like 20 stores deep, and you're like, cares, you know?Yeah. Or it'll be like Kumal's magic shop or something, and it's like, fuck it. Fuck Tommy. I'm not going if. Yeah, if someone's dropping you out at the mall to learn magic, dude, you are being sex trafficked, dude.Yeah. You're being set up for something.I mean, that's easy, right, guys?Yep.But what about during the holidays? Did malls always stay busy at the holidays?Yeah, they did. They did, for sure. Because once, like, like you said, once the decline happened, star stores started doing more sales during the holidays, trying to get the attention out. And those were the times. It's like, the holidays for the mall was great because it's like, traffic. People were out having good times and stuff, like, you know, mingling.Yeah, it's fun.And, and that's the best. And that's the best thing about the mall. They're blasting that music, man, 24/7 it's like, ah, yeah, it feels so good. And with, with the holiday mall thing, it's. I wanted to go back to that, like, get rid of cyber Monday and put it all back in the mall. Put the holiday sales back in the mall. Let us fight. Let us, like, terrorize doors, you know? Like, I missed the real Black Fridays. Yeah, the real Black Fridays are gone.Really?Yeah, the true Black Fridays of sitting out all night and you open that door and two Black Fridays. I got into a fight.Okay.Yeah.So Black Friday was crazy for you guys?Oh, yeah, black like that.How would you prepare for that? Would you guys, like, did you. Yeah. Like, would you guys have to do any special training before Black Friday, or did you guys get up early that day? And what was that like?To be honest, a lot of us would do actual stretches, like, for Black Friday, because we knew we had an 18 hours day. Some of us who were smart enough ate right, ate correctly, stretched out a little bit because we knew we were going to fight, especially if you were. If there was a target at a mall, like, if there's a target set in the mall, that target was the worst place for Black Friday. Everyone was lined up. They're rushing through. They are punching you. They don't give a shit about nothing. But. But the OG Black Fridays, man, I miss those. Those were the fighting days over, like, something. Yeah. And.Oh, yeah.And those were, like, in. Those were the first, like, remnants of, you can't touch anybody. You know? The OG Black Fridays were kind of like the start of don't touch anybody. Just let him fight over that fucking blender. That's only $2, right? You know, and you let them go at it.Well, it used to be you could buy, like, a coffee mate that have, like, a coffee maker that can tell if your cousin's gay or not, you know, and he'd be like, well, who cares? But, yeah, we gotta get that. You know?And they would fight over it.Yeah. Or they'd have, like, a water purifier that can tell. That can guess your, like, weight or whatever. It's just like, shit. That's like, one lady.One lady. One Black Friday got beat up outside because at the time, I don't. They don't think they understood the system of layaway. So, like, the actual store didn't understand what they got themselves into.Yeah.So this lady goes up, and everyone's in fucking line for the electronics. Everyone's fought already. Now I've lined everyone up, calmed everyone down, because the electronic department in the store wasn't open yet. They were waiting 2 hours to put everything on sale. This lady goes and asks, how many PlayStation or how many ps four s do you have? And they're like, oh, we have 100. I remember hearing, like, we have 120. good. Yeah, get that good whiff in, boy.Make that fucking. Make your I weiner walk forward, baby. I like that. Yeah, I did. Yeah, I understand. I think it's. And when you guys have to go and talk to that guy.Yeah, unfortunately.Really?Yeah.Like, how do you. What do you say there?I actually used my own words. I said, hey, man, what the fuck are you doing in here sniffing underwear like that? And he's like, I'm not. I'm like, bro, you are in here sniffing panties like a fucking pervert. Why? He's like. And he started walking away. I said, abro, don't come in here no more. Stop grabbing handfuls of panties and sniffing them. We see you. And then he walks out, and I swear he said this under his breath. He goes, I'm still gonna do it.Really?Yeah. I was like, oh, he's dedicated.Yeah, you gotta do that, man.But he was definitely one of the only ones that I actually encountered. I've heard plenty of stories. Like, there was. There's Victoria's Secret. Girls used to tell stories all the time about, like, oh, man, this guy used to do, like, a run by sniff. Or I girls would like, if they pull up their panties or they would hold panties in the air to look at them or something. A guy would like, drop his wallet or something. Good. You know, a quick little sniff by. And he's like, yeah, we see a lot of that here. I'm like, why don't you say anything? Like, sometimes it's funny. Sometimes it's really pervy. I'm like, it's all pervy.It's all pervy.But at the same times, I guess it could be funny if you just see somebody hit a knee and a sniff. Yeah.And what would they do? Is trying to sniff, sniff. Smell the woman, the butt. Oh, yeah.Yeah.That'll get you.Sniffers are weird.Yeah, well, it's a. You know, humans are 40% animal or something, and they do it, you know, so I don't think it's crazy. No, but it's. Yeah, it's an art form. It's an art form. That's crazy. But, yeah, it's seems weird.I think it should have been something back in the day that got frowned upon, like, hey, you can't be sniffing Sally's ass. It's like, whatever.Yeah. Have you ever had to protect, like, a mall santa or anything like that?Yes.What's it like when the mall Santa's come? Take me through some Christmas time lore.Okay, so the mall Santa situation is always a fun one because eight out of ten times, he's a drunk.Really?Oh, yeah. You get. You. You will. You will honestly get a Santa guy that comes in there who dedicates his life to being Santa all year long who can't wait to go to the mall to do the Santa thing, and then you got guys like me who are like, fuck, I just need a job for, like, the season. It's like seasonal job, you know? But I've had guys literally pull up drunk, you know, like, hey, where do I go? I'm like, who are you, Santa? It's like, oh, come on over here. The Santa. The drunk Santas were always fun because they had the drugs, they had the weed, and to say like, like if the parent would walk away, the lady, I guess the lady was walking up and just kind of like, oh, do you know my son? Have you met my son? Oh, I think you go to school with him, he's over there. And I guess she was just like listing random names and just a kid goes to elementary, it's like you might hit one of the names, oh, James is over there. And I guess on the camera one of the kids like looked up and said, oh, james. And went to walk towards and the mom's like, hey, where are you going? And if the mom wouldn't have looked, I think that would have been it for the kid. But no, straight out, like kidnapping lost kids all day out of a five week or out of a five day like schedule for the week.Four of those days you're gonna deal with a lost kid.No way.Guaranteed. Guaranteed.What happens? What's the major cause of that?Parents just being like just too into what they're doing. Kids just running off, not paying and like, I have a toddler, man, these kids are, they're just fast, you know what I mean? They're fast as fuck. And once they take off, that's it, you know, like sometimes it's not the parents fault, sometimes it is the parents fault. Like I can really back it up. Like it maybe not, but usually is. I've had kids on the opposite side of the mall where the parents were literally like inside like JC Penney's. And this kid bolted through the whole mall.Damn.Made it in other stores, made it all the way down. And now he's just sitting at a toy store by himself. And that's the truth. He was literally sitting in a toy store. And when I found him, he was sitting there playing with a toy. And I say, hey, his name was Jacob. I was like, hey, are you Jacob? And he looked up, he goes, yeah, cuz he was like seven or eight. He was, you know, like he was old enough to know that, fuck my parents. Yeah, I'm gonnay store.Yeah, I'm gonna do my own shit. Dad's not doing well or whatever.Nope.Wow. So that's gotta be kind of, is it scary or does it just get so repetitive that you're like, oh, this is probably the same thing, you know, still scared?No, to me it's scary because one I'm a parent. And so it always sinks in, like, don't want to lose your kid, but then you always want to slap him in the back of the fucking head. Like, dude, pay attention to your kid.Yeah, no, so 100%.But, you know, the worst ones is during, like, the Black Friday, like, the holiday seasons, because it's not like one kid, it's multiple kids that are missing. And it's like they're not even missing. It's just so crowded. You did not paying attention.And you have to do an intercom thing then, or no.Oh, yeah.What do you do?When do you say you're just getting over the line? If the parents of Jacob or there's a lost kid, he looks like this. And within, if you go over a PA system, within a minute, you know, a lot of parents will start perking up. You know, like, if you have a human heart, you start perking up and looking around, just trying to check your surroundings. And we usually get the call like, oh, he's over here playing with fucking toys, you know, get Jacob.Yeah. So the food court, what's going on there, man?Food courts.You miss it?Yeah, I missed the OG food courts. Like Sbarro's. Sbarro's pizza was so good. Love it.It was good and horrible, but it was a lot of people's first taste of Italian.It was.Bring it up. Bring up Zbara's bros was good, man. They had a lot of bread at it. That's what I like about it. I feel like it was hella bready. I mean, it's pizza, but still. Yeah, but God, yeah, Zabar, you're right, dude. What the fuck am I talking about? The bars were so damn good. And also, you didn't know at that. There wasn't. You didn't know what was good. Or was it. Get the second. No, no. Yeah, get that one right there. That's the one I went to. God, it looks good, right?I can just smell sabaros, the borrows, dude. And I loved it, too.Because you like Zabaro.I love mall food because you don't have to wait long. It was just like, what do you need? What do you want? And then you just go down this little jail line and you're like, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, pay, and you're out.And would you guys eat at the. Eat there every day?Usually pretty much, yeah. Especially because once you get, like, once you make friends with everybody, you're getting discounts, you getting hooked up, and because you're not telling on them because they're doing shit in the parking lot. So, you know. Yeah, we ate there a lot. It gained a lot of weight.Did you.Oh, yeah. Especially when Rubio. We had a Rubio's pop up at one of my malls and I thought that was like, okay, I'm gonna start eating fresh and eating better. Fuck. No tortillas all day. It was great.Fuck, yeah.Rubio's. Rubio's in a malls. Good.Yeah, Rubio's is pretty good, man.They took out a. They used to have a McDonald's in my mall. And I know it's. I know it's weird to say.Frowned on.It's like, why would you take out the McDonald's? And it's like. Because everyone would go strictly to McDonald's. Because if you put a McDonald's in the mall, it's just like, you know, like miles to a full flame.But doesn't that help? Because then at least the malls are around the freaking other stores.Yeah. But they just. I guess McDonald's just takes all the business from all the food court places.Oh.Because kids. Because it's food court. If you're with kids, it's always up to the kid where you're going, you know, and they're like, McDonald's. You know, it's like.Right. Kids will always hit McDonald's.Yeah. Especially if they have the playground. Yeah.And Miss Fields, did they have that?Oh, misses fields, they had the cookie cakes.Remember those? Those are fucking good. My mom would always get those for us for our birthdays.Oh, man.Dude, bring that cookie.Yes, yes. So speaking of Miss Fields, in my day, we actually used to get these cookies after they were closed because a lot of these places, they can't, like, sell the shit the next day or it's like. Goes bad or whatever. I've eaten probably a hundred of those fucking birthday cookies in my.Yeah.Taking them home, cut them all up, hand out to friends and shit. Yeah, I've showed up to, like, friends houses with fucking three or four of these cookies. Like, is it your birthday? I'm like, no, misses Fields was closing.You know, you have two cakes and say, happy birthday, Chad on him. You're like, who the fuck is Chad?Who gives a shit? But happy birthday, Chad.What mall store had the dumbest employees?Oh, shit.Or what mall store was just like, what mall store was? Whatever. It was like, what are we.What is it?FYI, is that a store?Fye dvd store.Oh, yeah. That was a weird thing, I think. What was that?Um, it was like the guy. It was like. It was like all the fake. Yeah, it was like all the fake movie buffs worked there. Like all, like, it was just like. It was just a weird store. Like they had the weirdest employees there and no disrespect to them, but you guys were weird.It seems weird though, cuz it's like.Like you wanted to work at hot Topics, but you weren't cool enough to work at hot Topic. You wanted to work at like the music trader or even the movie theater and you weren't cool enough to be like. And this was like, all right, fuck it. Here, work at Fye. This is like the leftover shit. Yeah, but to be fair, Fye had a lot of good finds. Like, you could find like the most random ass shit there, you know, like that. Like a Scarface porn. You're like, hell yeah.Oh, yeah. That's respectable. What store had the hot chicks? Wherever? Yeah, what store had chicks in it?Usually the Victoria secrets, Amber Cranberry. When Amber Crowley and Fitch came out, I didn't not go into that store for almost the first year, like even like as an employee working at the mall and they would tell you to go do wellness checks on your stores. I would not go in Abercrombie and Fitch.Why?I didn't fit in the clothes. I just. It's just one of those things, man.Oh, yeah, it was only for attractive people. Like models. Like, yeah, it was for models.So I did not walk in there. And the one time I did walk in, I was like, so this is where all the women are at. Gotcha, gotcha. But Amber Crimea Fitch was just a little intimidating, you know, for myself. How was the Miller's outpost guy?Like, I said that, well, Amber, crummy and Fitz to do, they are. And they'd have like naked children on horseback when they came off all those photos and shit.I thought that was J. Crew that did that.I don't know who it was. J.Crew is one of those stores too.You just like, am I a pedophile or I. Or am I a medium? You know? Like, you just couldn't even. Nothing made any sense in those places. Dude. That was. That was the weird part.Yeah, you felt weird. Oh, yeah, look at. Yeah, straight. And they would have model and sometimes they would have live models standing out there like, come on. Yeah, yeah, that was weird.I worked at one for a little while. I worked in the back, though, back with the sloths back there ringing the bell for fucking, you know, ringing the church bell or whatever.Time, y'all.Let's go. Get your back in the steam room.Yeah.They would let me out sometimes to wash people's six packs in the front.I had to oil them sometimes.Oh.But with the spray, I don't have to do the towel. Thing was like, you know, bet, dude, bet.What were the best things about being a mall cop?The. The leniency of not having, like, a boss hanging over your head sometimes. Because with having the badge, you were able to go places and nobody would fucking question you and flat out, I'm a pothead. So the best thing about being a mall cop, and I think why I stayed there so long was because I had so many hiding places. I had so many, like, resources for free food. People watching was great. You know, it was just like those small things, but the majority of it was just not having somebody breathing down your neck 24/7 because you were like your own boss. You know, a lot of mall cops are a lot of mall security. You'd only be like, one or two guys, you know, four at the most. If it was like, a busy mall, it's like one or two guys and the one guy that's walking around in.The platoon or whatever.Yeah, yeah. And then it's just like, I'm just by myself, you know? And that's always good. It's just always good until somebody makes a call of a lost kid or some shit. Nearly. I gotta go.Would you ever be, would you be high? A lot of times.Most of the time. And if any security guard, if any fucking security guard at a mall says that they weren't stoned or not stoned or doesn't have a pin in their pocket, now you're not a real security guard. You're not. Oh, yeah, security. It's. Stone will never hide that fact.Wow. That had to be so scary. You get a call for a missing kid, and then like a. 30 seconds later, you freaking what you're looking for. And you just buy a. And Annie's pretzel or whatever.Oh, shit.And the mom's like, if you found him, you're like, who?You know? Like, I don't. I'll admit it. Okay, so I'll admit one time, yeah? I was getting really high in the parking lot, and a call comes over that a boyfriend had shown up to one of the stores and the girl had already called the cops, already told the managers. So we were aware of this boyfriend that was being abusive. So I get the call.Mm hmm.Hey, Gus, girls boyfriend's back. This and that. Can you head towards the store? I 100% was, like, confident that I was gonna make this call. I was like, yeah, no problem, no problem. I'll be there right now. I'm on my way. I'm actually walking, but I was in the parking lot smoking. I put my radio down. I go back to my phone, I go back to the blunt that's litanous, and I start scrolling through my phone thinking, all right, let me just hit this a couple more times and I'll get out of here. About ten minutes later, a call comes, says, hey, the police are coming. Now. The guy hit the girl. And I'm like, oh, shit. Oh, fuck. I fucked up. So I'm putting it out. I'm fucking putting the sanitizer on, fucking clone and everything, deodorant. And I'm fucking running towards the thing. And the first thing I do, theo, I can't make this up. I looked around, nobody was watching. I take. I had these little scissors in my. I had this, like, little knife, but it had the scissors in it. I took the scissors and I cut my pants. I took dirt and I went like this, and I came up limping like, where were you?I'm like, I fucking fell and I tripped and I rolled my ankle and I was calling you guys, but nobody was fucking answering me. And they're like, are you okay? I'm like, yeah, I'm fine. Totally lied that I rolled my ankle. And fella, it's because this girl got hit by her boyfriend. Damn. Yeah, to this day, I'm sorry. No, to this day, I feel bad.Yeah, you should have been there.Should have been there. Should have ran to the thing, but I didn't think that was gonna happen. But then.You were hot. Yeah. You didn't think it was serious?I didn't think he was gonna go in and hit her.Yeah, yeah, you're right. My bad, my bad.Because it was like the stories where he was just coming up and yelling at her for like, rent money or whatever the fuck he was asking. Cuz you asked him for my. Kept asking for money. Yeah, but I didn't think he was gonna hit her. But the story went he got. She got in his face and they started doing this and bumping each other and he had pushed her and like, hit her, son. I was like, fuck, I would have been there for that. I would have so been there for that. But instead I was watching fucking videos.Can't win them all, man. You know? And I bet there was a lot of ones that you wondezenhe Gus Parsons, mall cop. We appreciate you, man. Thanks for keeping things secure. And, uh. And yeah, man, thanks for spending your time with us today.I appreciate everything you've done for me, man. I can't thank. I can't thank you guys enough.Oh, yeah. It's been a blast, man. Thank you so much.Now I'm just floating on the breeze? And I feel I'm falling like these leaves I must be cornerstone? Oh, but when I reach that ground I'll share this piece of mind I found? I can feel it in my bones but it's gonna take close.

feel they wanted to get caught 100%.

Well, there is something weird. If you see somebody naked, immediately, you need to know if they have, like, you. You. Like, you can't even help, but there's something inside of you. I guess maybe. I don't know. I don't know.

Probably, like, competition. Is it bigger than mine?

You know, like, you think? No, I think you just don't. I don't know. I remember I was in a. We were in New Orleans. My girlfriend, we went into Victoria's secrets, right? We went up in there and. Yeah, we both snuck in there and then just started having a little bit of se x boy. And we were young, and so it was. You know, it was so. You know. And not like it was fun. When you're young, it's fun to just do a little bit of fucking or whatever. And it's. Yeah, it was like, yeah, sober sex is for children. I've always said that. And anyway, it was just. That was awesome. I miss her a lot sometimes. And you know, what else was there other sexual instances you guys would see?

Oh, yeah. A lot in the parking lot. A lot of go in the parking lot. A lot of employees after work in the parking lot. What?

Doing sex in cars.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. We caught somebody behind the trash can, the dumpsters one time. Like, they coordinated to go take out trash together because the guy told me goes, yeah, I told her to take out trash at, like, 830. And we met.

Yeah, it's Romeo and Juliet.

Fuck, yeah. And the gross thing is, like, it was the food court trash can, so it smelled like food. And she was like, you couldn't use the one that uses plastic and cardboard.

Oh, yeah. That's recyclio and Juliet, dude. Oh, yeah.

Right there behind the dumpsters, though.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. It's hard for me to stay erect if there's broken glass around. Or, like, a bad trash smell is rough.

You know, the smell of other pee kind of throws it off too.

Oh, dude, I remember. So wiggers. Kind of remember them.

Oh, yeah, I was one, yeah.

Oh, really? Yeah, right on, dude.

Yeah, I had a black step. I have a black stepdad, so grew up in that, you know?

Yeah, yeah.

And everyone's like, you're a wigger. I'm like, how? There's a real one at my house.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, but they started at the mall.

I feel like, 100%.

Yeah. Like, back in the day. I feel like if you needed or you needed a ginger, you went to foot locker or lids. I feel like that's where they kind of. That was, like, their junior college called.

Out my whole life right now.

I love lids. Lids is the definite place for you to roll up and see what was kind of wiggering around the area, you know? Oh, yeah.

Malibu's most wanted was always walking through lids. It was great. And those were the ones.

Yeah, yeah. That's where God kept most of the wiggers. I feel like Washington foot locker and lids, dude.

Yep. Oh, 100%. 100%. And JC Penney's. They hit out in JCPenney.

Really?

Yeah, because they. That's where all, like, some urban clothes were at, you know?

Yeah.

So they would get them on sale. They knew where the sales were.

Um, what happened as moles started to decline, man? Did you notice any of that in your time?

Yeah, you could definitely tell. Like, over one summer, about ten years, 15 years ago, it was just, like, not packed anymore, wasn't fun anymore. They still had the big movie blockbusters coming out, but people weren't lining up to see Spider man no more. You know? Like, once you see the theater die out, I think that's when the mall is done. Once the theater starts going and you can't draw anybody in there. Cause that's. Theater has always been, like, the hub of why you go to, like, the mall sometimes, you know? Like, what are you going there for? I'm going to the movies, you know?

Right.

But as soon as that decline started, it just. You can see it, like, it's sad when you see, like, empty stores in the mall, you know? Like, oh, man, I used to go there and it's like, well, it's not there anymore. It's like, put something in there and they'll put, like, a phone store in there. Or they just.

Yeah.

Now Apple's like 20 stores deep, and you're like, cares, you know?

Yeah. Or it'll be like Kumal's magic shop or something, and it's like, fuck it. Fuck Tommy. I'm not going if. Yeah, if someone's dropping you out at the mall to learn magic, dude, you are being sex trafficked, dude.

Yeah. You're being set up for something.

I mean, that's easy, right, guys?

Yep.

But what about during the holidays? Did malls always stay busy at the holidays?

Yeah, they did. They did, for sure. Because once, like, like you said, once the decline happened, star stores started doing more sales during the holidays, trying to get the attention out. And those were the times. It's like, the holidays for the mall was great because it's like, traffic. People were out having good times and stuff, like, you know, mingling.

Yeah, it's fun.

And, and that's the best. And that's the best thing about the mall. They're blasting that music, man, 24/7 it's like, ah, yeah, it feels so good. And with, with the holiday mall thing, it's. I wanted to go back to that, like, get rid of cyber Monday and put it all back in the mall. Put the holiday sales back in the mall. Let us fight. Let us, like, terrorize doors, you know? Like, I missed the real Black Fridays. Yeah, the real Black Fridays are gone.

Really?

Yeah, the true Black Fridays of sitting out all night and you open that door and two Black Fridays. I got into a fight.

Okay.

Yeah.

So Black Friday was crazy for you guys?

Oh, yeah, black like that.

How would you prepare for that? Would you guys, like, did you. Yeah. Like, would you guys have to do any special training before Black Friday, or did you guys get up early that day? And what was that like?

To be honest, a lot of us would do actual stretches, like, for Black Friday, because we knew we had an 18 hours day. Some of us who were smart enough ate right, ate correctly, stretched out a little bit because we knew we were going to fight, especially if you were. If there was a target at a mall, like, if there's a target set in the mall, that target was the worst place for Black Friday. Everyone was lined up. They're rushing through. They are punching you. They don't give a shit about nothing. But. But the OG Black Fridays, man, I miss those. Those were the fighting days over, like, something. Yeah. And.

Oh, yeah.

And those were, like, in. Those were the first, like, remnants of, you can't touch anybody. You know? The OG Black Fridays were kind of like the start of don't touch anybody. Just let him fight over that fucking blender. That's only $2, right? You know, and you let them go at it.

Well, it used to be you could buy, like, a coffee mate that have, like, a coffee maker that can tell if your cousin's gay or not, you know, and he'd be like, well, who cares? But, yeah, we gotta get that. You know?

And they would fight over it.

Yeah. Or they'd have, like, a water purifier that can tell. That can guess your, like, weight or whatever. It's just like, shit. That's like, one lady.

One lady. One Black Friday got beat up outside because at the time, I don't. They don't think they understood the system of layaway. So, like, the actual store didn't understand what they got themselves into.

Yeah.

So this lady goes up, and everyone's in fucking line for the electronics. Everyone's fought already. Now I've lined everyone up, calmed everyone down, because the electronic department in the store wasn't open yet. They were waiting 2 hours to put everything on sale. This lady goes and asks, how many PlayStation or how many ps four s do you have? And they're like, oh, we have 100. I remember hearing, like, we have 120. good. Yeah, get that good whiff in, boy.Make that fucking. Make your I weiner walk forward, baby. I like that. Yeah, I did. Yeah, I understand. I think it's. And when you guys have to go and talk to that guy.Yeah, unfortunately.Really?Yeah.Like, how do you. What do you say there?I actually used my own words. I said, hey, man, what the fuck are you doing in here sniffing underwear like that? And he's like, I'm not. I'm like, bro, you are in here sniffing panties like a fucking pervert. Why? He's like. And he started walking away. I said, abro, don't come in here no more. Stop grabbing handfuls of panties and sniffing them. We see you. And then he walks out, and I swear he said this under his breath. He goes, I'm still gonna do it.Really?Yeah. I was like, oh, he's dedicated.Yeah, you gotta do that, man.But he was definitely one of the only ones that I actually encountered. I've heard plenty of stories. Like, there was. There's Victoria's Secret. Girls used to tell stories all the time about, like, oh, man, this guy used to do, like, a run by sniff. Or I girls would like, if they pull up their panties or they would hold panties in the air to look at them or something. A guy would like, drop his wallet or something. Good. You know, a quick little sniff by. And he's like, yeah, we see a lot of that here. I'm like, why don't you say anything? Like, sometimes it's funny. Sometimes it's really pervy. I'm like, it's all pervy.It's all pervy.But at the same times, I guess it could be funny if you just see somebody hit a knee and a sniff. Yeah.And what would they do? Is trying to sniff, sniff. Smell the woman, the butt. Oh, yeah.Yeah.That'll get you.Sniffers are weird.Yeah, well, it's a. You know, humans are 40% animal or something, and they do it, you know, so I don't think it's crazy. No, but it's. Yeah, it's an art form. It's an art form. That's crazy. But, yeah, it's seems weird.I think it should have been something back in the day that got frowned upon, like, hey, you can't be sniffing Sally's ass. It's like, whatever.Yeah. Have you ever had to protect, like, a mall santa or anything like that?Yes.What's it like when the mall Santa's come? Take me through some Christmas time lore.Okay, so the mall Santa situation is always a fun one because eight out of ten times, he's a drunk.Really?Oh, yeah. You get. You. You will. You will honestly get a Santa guy that comes in there who dedicates his life to being Santa all year long who can't wait to go to the mall to do the Santa thing, and then you got guys like me who are like, fuck, I just need a job for, like, the season. It's like seasonal job, you know? But I've had guys literally pull up drunk, you know, like, hey, where do I go? I'm like, who are you, Santa? It's like, oh, come on over here. The Santa. The drunk Santas were always fun because they had the drugs, they had the weed, and to say like, like if the parent would walk away, the lady, I guess the lady was walking up and just kind of like, oh, do you know my son? Have you met my son? Oh, I think you go to school with him, he's over there. And I guess she was just like listing random names and just a kid goes to elementary, it's like you might hit one of the names, oh, James is over there. And I guess on the camera one of the kids like looked up and said, oh, james. And went to walk towards and the mom's like, hey, where are you going? And if the mom wouldn't have looked, I think that would have been it for the kid. But no, straight out, like kidnapping lost kids all day out of a five week or out of a five day like schedule for the week.Four of those days you're gonna deal with a lost kid.No way.Guaranteed. Guaranteed.What happens? What's the major cause of that?Parents just being like just too into what they're doing. Kids just running off, not paying and like, I have a toddler, man, these kids are, they're just fast, you know what I mean? They're fast as fuck. And once they take off, that's it, you know, like sometimes it's not the parents fault, sometimes it is the parents fault. Like I can really back it up. Like it maybe not, but usually is. I've had kids on the opposite side of the mall where the parents were literally like inside like JC Penney's. And this kid bolted through the whole mall.Damn.Made it in other stores, made it all the way down. And now he's just sitting at a toy store by himself. And that's the truth. He was literally sitting in a toy store. And when I found him, he was sitting there playing with a toy. And I say, hey, his name was Jacob. I was like, hey, are you Jacob? And he looked up, he goes, yeah, cuz he was like seven or eight. He was, you know, like he was old enough to know that, fuck my parents. Yeah, I'm gonnay store.Yeah, I'm gonna do my own shit. Dad's not doing well or whatever.Nope.Wow. So that's gotta be kind of, is it scary or does it just get so repetitive that you're like, oh, this is probably the same thing, you know, still scared?No, to me it's scary because one I'm a parent. And so it always sinks in, like, don't want to lose your kid, but then you always want to slap him in the back of the fucking head. Like, dude, pay attention to your kid.Yeah, no, so 100%.But, you know, the worst ones is during, like, the Black Friday, like, the holiday seasons, because it's not like one kid, it's multiple kids that are missing. And it's like they're not even missing. It's just so crowded. You did not paying attention.And you have to do an intercom thing then, or no.Oh, yeah.What do you do?When do you say you're just getting over the line? If the parents of Jacob or there's a lost kid, he looks like this. And within, if you go over a PA system, within a minute, you know, a lot of parents will start perking up. You know, like, if you have a human heart, you start perking up and looking around, just trying to check your surroundings. And we usually get the call like, oh, he's over here playing with fucking toys, you know, get Jacob.Yeah. So the food court, what's going on there, man?Food courts.You miss it?Yeah, I missed the OG food courts. Like Sbarro's. Sbarro's pizza was so good. Love it.It was good and horrible, but it was a lot of people's first taste of Italian.It was.Bring it up. Bring up Zbara's bros was good, man. They had a lot of bread at it. That's what I like about it. I feel like it was hella bready. I mean, it's pizza, but still. Yeah, but God, yeah, Zabar, you're right, dude. What the fuck am I talking about? The bars were so damn good. And also, you didn't know at that. There wasn't. You didn't know what was good. Or was it. Get the second. No, no. Yeah, get that one right there. That's the one I went to. God, it looks good, right?I can just smell sabaros, the borrows, dude. And I loved it, too.Because you like Zabaro.I love mall food because you don't have to wait long. It was just like, what do you need? What do you want? And then you just go down this little jail line and you're like, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, pay, and you're out.And would you guys eat at the. Eat there every day?Usually pretty much, yeah. Especially because once you get, like, once you make friends with everybody, you're getting discounts, you getting hooked up, and because you're not telling on them because they're doing shit in the parking lot. So, you know. Yeah, we ate there a lot. It gained a lot of weight.Did you.Oh, yeah. Especially when Rubio. We had a Rubio's pop up at one of my malls and I thought that was like, okay, I'm gonna start eating fresh and eating better. Fuck. No tortillas all day. It was great.Fuck, yeah.Rubio's. Rubio's in a malls. Good.Yeah, Rubio's is pretty good, man.They took out a. They used to have a McDonald's in my mall. And I know it's. I know it's weird to say.Frowned on.It's like, why would you take out the McDonald's? And it's like. Because everyone would go strictly to McDonald's. Because if you put a McDonald's in the mall, it's just like, you know, like miles to a full flame.But doesn't that help? Because then at least the malls are around the freaking other stores.Yeah. But they just. I guess McDonald's just takes all the business from all the food court places.Oh.Because kids. Because it's food court. If you're with kids, it's always up to the kid where you're going, you know, and they're like, McDonald's. You know, it's like.Right. Kids will always hit McDonald's.Yeah. Especially if they have the playground. Yeah.And Miss Fields, did they have that?Oh, misses fields, they had the cookie cakes.Remember those? Those are fucking good. My mom would always get those for us for our birthdays.Oh, man.Dude, bring that cookie.Yes, yes. So speaking of Miss Fields, in my day, we actually used to get these cookies after they were closed because a lot of these places, they can't, like, sell the shit the next day or it's like. Goes bad or whatever. I've eaten probably a hundred of those fucking birthday cookies in my.Yeah.Taking them home, cut them all up, hand out to friends and shit. Yeah, I've showed up to, like, friends houses with fucking three or four of these cookies. Like, is it your birthday? I'm like, no, misses Fields was closing.You know, you have two cakes and say, happy birthday, Chad on him. You're like, who the fuck is Chad?Who gives a shit? But happy birthday, Chad.What mall store had the dumbest employees?Oh, shit.Or what mall store was just like, what mall store was? Whatever. It was like, what are we.What is it?FYI, is that a store?Fye dvd store.Oh, yeah. That was a weird thing, I think. What was that?Um, it was like the guy. It was like. It was like all the fake. Yeah, it was like all the fake movie buffs worked there. Like all, like, it was just like. It was just a weird store. Like they had the weirdest employees there and no disrespect to them, but you guys were weird.It seems weird though, cuz it's like.Like you wanted to work at hot Topics, but you weren't cool enough to work at hot Topic. You wanted to work at like the music trader or even the movie theater and you weren't cool enough to be like. And this was like, all right, fuck it. Here, work at Fye. This is like the leftover shit. Yeah, but to be fair, Fye had a lot of good finds. Like, you could find like the most random ass shit there, you know, like that. Like a Scarface porn. You're like, hell yeah.Oh, yeah. That's respectable. What store had the hot chicks? Wherever? Yeah, what store had chicks in it?Usually the Victoria secrets, Amber Cranberry. When Amber Crowley and Fitch came out, I didn't not go into that store for almost the first year, like even like as an employee working at the mall and they would tell you to go do wellness checks on your stores. I would not go in Abercrombie and Fitch.Why?I didn't fit in the clothes. I just. It's just one of those things, man.Oh, yeah, it was only for attractive people. Like models. Like, yeah, it was for models.So I did not walk in there. And the one time I did walk in, I was like, so this is where all the women are at. Gotcha, gotcha. But Amber Crimea Fitch was just a little intimidating, you know, for myself. How was the Miller's outpost guy?Like, I said that, well, Amber, crummy and Fitz to do, they are. And they'd have like naked children on horseback when they came off all those photos and shit.I thought that was J. Crew that did that.I don't know who it was. J.Crew is one of those stores too.You just like, am I a pedophile or I. Or am I a medium? You know? Like, you just couldn't even. Nothing made any sense in those places. Dude. That was. That was the weird part.Yeah, you felt weird. Oh, yeah, look at. Yeah, straight. And they would have model and sometimes they would have live models standing out there like, come on. Yeah, yeah, that was weird.I worked at one for a little while. I worked in the back, though, back with the sloths back there ringing the bell for fucking, you know, ringing the church bell or whatever.Time, y'all.Let's go. Get your back in the steam room.Yeah.They would let me out sometimes to wash people's six packs in the front.I had to oil them sometimes.Oh.But with the spray, I don't have to do the towel. Thing was like, you know, bet, dude, bet.What were the best things about being a mall cop?The. The leniency of not having, like, a boss hanging over your head sometimes. Because with having the badge, you were able to go places and nobody would fucking question you and flat out, I'm a pothead. So the best thing about being a mall cop, and I think why I stayed there so long was because I had so many hiding places. I had so many, like, resources for free food. People watching was great. You know, it was just like those small things, but the majority of it was just not having somebody breathing down your neck 24/7 because you were like your own boss. You know, a lot of mall cops are a lot of mall security. You'd only be like, one or two guys, you know, four at the most. If it was like, a busy mall, it's like one or two guys and the one guy that's walking around in.The platoon or whatever.Yeah, yeah. And then it's just like, I'm just by myself, you know? And that's always good. It's just always good until somebody makes a call of a lost kid or some shit. Nearly. I gotta go.Would you ever be, would you be high? A lot of times.Most of the time. And if any security guard, if any fucking security guard at a mall says that they weren't stoned or not stoned or doesn't have a pin in their pocket, now you're not a real security guard. You're not. Oh, yeah, security. It's. Stone will never hide that fact.Wow. That had to be so scary. You get a call for a missing kid, and then like a. 30 seconds later, you freaking what you're looking for. And you just buy a. And Annie's pretzel or whatever.Oh, shit.And the mom's like, if you found him, you're like, who?You know? Like, I don't. I'll admit it. Okay, so I'll admit one time, yeah? I was getting really high in the parking lot, and a call comes over that a boyfriend had shown up to one of the stores and the girl had already called the cops, already told the managers. So we were aware of this boyfriend that was being abusive. So I get the call.Mm hmm.Hey, Gus, girls boyfriend's back. This and that. Can you head towards the store? I 100% was, like, confident that I was gonna make this call. I was like, yeah, no problem, no problem. I'll be there right now. I'm on my way. I'm actually walking, but I was in the parking lot smoking. I put my radio down. I go back to my phone, I go back to the blunt that's litanous, and I start scrolling through my phone thinking, all right, let me just hit this a couple more times and I'll get out of here. About ten minutes later, a call comes, says, hey, the police are coming. Now. The guy hit the girl. And I'm like, oh, shit. Oh, fuck. I fucked up. So I'm putting it out. I'm fucking putting the sanitizer on, fucking clone and everything, deodorant. And I'm fucking running towards the thing. And the first thing I do, theo, I can't make this up. I looked around, nobody was watching. I take. I had these little scissors in my. I had this, like, little knife, but it had the scissors in it. I took the scissors and I cut my pants. I took dirt and I went like this, and I came up limping like, where were you?I'm like, I fucking fell and I tripped and I rolled my ankle and I was calling you guys, but nobody was fucking answering me. And they're like, are you okay? I'm like, yeah, I'm fine. Totally lied that I rolled my ankle. And fella, it's because this girl got hit by her boyfriend. Damn. Yeah, to this day, I'm sorry. No, to this day, I feel bad.Yeah, you should have been there.Should have been there. Should have ran to the thing, but I didn't think that was gonna happen. But then.You were hot. Yeah. You didn't think it was serious?I didn't think he was gonna go in and hit her.Yeah, yeah, you're right. My bad, my bad.Because it was like the stories where he was just coming up and yelling at her for like, rent money or whatever the fuck he was asking. Cuz you asked him for my. Kept asking for money. Yeah, but I didn't think he was gonna hit her. But the story went he got. She got in his face and they started doing this and bumping each other and he had pushed her and like, hit her, son. I was like, fuck, I would have been there for that. I would have so been there for that. But instead I was watching fucking videos.Can't win them all, man. You know? And I bet there was a lot of ones that you wondezenhe Gus Parsons, mall cop. We appreciate you, man. Thanks for keeping things secure. And, uh. And yeah, man, thanks for spending your time with us today.I appreciate everything you've done for me, man. I can't thank. I can't thank you guys enough.Oh, yeah. It's been a blast, man. Thank you so much.Now I'm just floating on the breeze? And I feel I'm falling like these leaves I must be cornerstone? Oh, but when I reach that ground I'll share this piece of mind I found? I can feel it in my bones but it's gonna take close.

good. Yeah, get that good whiff in, boy.

Make that fucking. Make your I weiner walk forward, baby. I like that. Yeah, I did. Yeah, I understand. I think it's. And when you guys have to go and talk to that guy.

Yeah, unfortunately.

Really?

Yeah.

Like, how do you. What do you say there?

I actually used my own words. I said, hey, man, what the fuck are you doing in here sniffing underwear like that? And he's like, I'm not. I'm like, bro, you are in here sniffing panties like a fucking pervert. Why? He's like. And he started walking away. I said, abro, don't come in here no more. Stop grabbing handfuls of panties and sniffing them. We see you. And then he walks out, and I swear he said this under his breath. He goes, I'm still gonna do it.

Really?

Yeah. I was like, oh, he's dedicated.

Yeah, you gotta do that, man.

But he was definitely one of the only ones that I actually encountered. I've heard plenty of stories. Like, there was. There's Victoria's Secret. Girls used to tell stories all the time about, like, oh, man, this guy used to do, like, a run by sniff. Or I girls would like, if they pull up their panties or they would hold panties in the air to look at them or something. A guy would like, drop his wallet or something. Good. You know, a quick little sniff by. And he's like, yeah, we see a lot of that here. I'm like, why don't you say anything? Like, sometimes it's funny. Sometimes it's really pervy. I'm like, it's all pervy.

It's all pervy.

But at the same times, I guess it could be funny if you just see somebody hit a knee and a sniff. Yeah.

And what would they do? Is trying to sniff, sniff. Smell the woman, the butt. Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

That'll get you.

Sniffers are weird.

Yeah, well, it's a. You know, humans are 40% animal or something, and they do it, you know, so I don't think it's crazy. No, but it's. Yeah, it's an art form. It's an art form. That's crazy. But, yeah, it's seems weird.

I think it should have been something back in the day that got frowned upon, like, hey, you can't be sniffing Sally's ass. It's like, whatever.

Yeah. Have you ever had to protect, like, a mall santa or anything like that?

Yes.

What's it like when the mall Santa's come? Take me through some Christmas time lore.

Okay, so the mall Santa situation is always a fun one because eight out of ten times, he's a drunk.

Really?

Oh, yeah. You get. You. You will. You will honestly get a Santa guy that comes in there who dedicates his life to being Santa all year long who can't wait to go to the mall to do the Santa thing, and then you got guys like me who are like, fuck, I just need a job for, like, the season. It's like seasonal job, you know? But I've had guys literally pull up drunk, you know, like, hey, where do I go? I'm like, who are you, Santa? It's like, oh, come on over here. The Santa. The drunk Santas were always fun because they had the drugs, they had the weed, and to say like, like if the parent would walk away, the lady, I guess the lady was walking up and just kind of like, oh, do you know my son? Have you met my son? Oh, I think you go to school with him, he's over there. And I guess she was just like listing random names and just a kid goes to elementary, it's like you might hit one of the names, oh, James is over there. And I guess on the camera one of the kids like looked up and said, oh, james. And went to walk towards and the mom's like, hey, where are you going? And if the mom wouldn't have looked, I think that would have been it for the kid. But no, straight out, like kidnapping lost kids all day out of a five week or out of a five day like schedule for the week.Four of those days you're gonna deal with a lost kid.No way.Guaranteed. Guaranteed.What happens? What's the major cause of that?Parents just being like just too into what they're doing. Kids just running off, not paying and like, I have a toddler, man, these kids are, they're just fast, you know what I mean? They're fast as fuck. And once they take off, that's it, you know, like sometimes it's not the parents fault, sometimes it is the parents fault. Like I can really back it up. Like it maybe not, but usually is. I've had kids on the opposite side of the mall where the parents were literally like inside like JC Penney's. And this kid bolted through the whole mall.Damn.Made it in other stores, made it all the way down. And now he's just sitting at a toy store by himself. And that's the truth. He was literally sitting in a toy store. And when I found him, he was sitting there playing with a toy. And I say, hey, his name was Jacob. I was like, hey, are you Jacob? And he looked up, he goes, yeah, cuz he was like seven or eight. He was, you know, like he was old enough to know that, fuck my parents. Yeah, I'm gonnay store.Yeah, I'm gonna do my own shit. Dad's not doing well or whatever.Nope.Wow. So that's gotta be kind of, is it scary or does it just get so repetitive that you're like, oh, this is probably the same thing, you know, still scared?No, to me it's scary because one I'm a parent. And so it always sinks in, like, don't want to lose your kid, but then you always want to slap him in the back of the fucking head. Like, dude, pay attention to your kid.Yeah, no, so 100%.But, you know, the worst ones is during, like, the Black Friday, like, the holiday seasons, because it's not like one kid, it's multiple kids that are missing. And it's like they're not even missing. It's just so crowded. You did not paying attention.And you have to do an intercom thing then, or no.Oh, yeah.What do you do?When do you say you're just getting over the line? If the parents of Jacob or there's a lost kid, he looks like this. And within, if you go over a PA system, within a minute, you know, a lot of parents will start perking up. You know, like, if you have a human heart, you start perking up and looking around, just trying to check your surroundings. And we usually get the call like, oh, he's over here playing with fucking toys, you know, get Jacob.Yeah. So the food court, what's going on there, man?Food courts.You miss it?Yeah, I missed the OG food courts. Like Sbarro's. Sbarro's pizza was so good. Love it.It was good and horrible, but it was a lot of people's first taste of Italian.It was.Bring it up. Bring up Zbara's bros was good, man. They had a lot of bread at it. That's what I like about it. I feel like it was hella bready. I mean, it's pizza, but still. Yeah, but God, yeah, Zabar, you're right, dude. What the fuck am I talking about? The bars were so damn good. And also, you didn't know at that. There wasn't. You didn't know what was good. Or was it. Get the second. No, no. Yeah, get that one right there. That's the one I went to. God, it looks good, right?I can just smell sabaros, the borrows, dude. And I loved it, too.Because you like Zabaro.I love mall food because you don't have to wait long. It was just like, what do you need? What do you want? And then you just go down this little jail line and you're like, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, pay, and you're out.And would you guys eat at the. Eat there every day?Usually pretty much, yeah. Especially because once you get, like, once you make friends with everybody, you're getting discounts, you getting hooked up, and because you're not telling on them because they're doing shit in the parking lot. So, you know. Yeah, we ate there a lot. It gained a lot of weight.Did you.Oh, yeah. Especially when Rubio. We had a Rubio's pop up at one of my malls and I thought that was like, okay, I'm gonna start eating fresh and eating better. Fuck. No tortillas all day. It was great.Fuck, yeah.Rubio's. Rubio's in a malls. Good.Yeah, Rubio's is pretty good, man.They took out a. They used to have a McDonald's in my mall. And I know it's. I know it's weird to say.Frowned on.It's like, why would you take out the McDonald's? And it's like. Because everyone would go strictly to McDonald's. Because if you put a McDonald's in the mall, it's just like, you know, like miles to a full flame.But doesn't that help? Because then at least the malls are around the freaking other stores.Yeah. But they just. I guess McDonald's just takes all the business from all the food court places.Oh.Because kids. Because it's food court. If you're with kids, it's always up to the kid where you're going, you know, and they're like, McDonald's. You know, it's like.Right. Kids will always hit McDonald's.Yeah. Especially if they have the playground. Yeah.And Miss Fields, did they have that?Oh, misses fields, they had the cookie cakes.Remember those? Those are fucking good. My mom would always get those for us for our birthdays.Oh, man.Dude, bring that cookie.Yes, yes. So speaking of Miss Fields, in my day, we actually used to get these cookies after they were closed because a lot of these places, they can't, like, sell the shit the next day or it's like. Goes bad or whatever. I've eaten probably a hundred of those fucking birthday cookies in my.Yeah.Taking them home, cut them all up, hand out to friends and shit. Yeah, I've showed up to, like, friends houses with fucking three or four of these cookies. Like, is it your birthday? I'm like, no, misses Fields was closing.You know, you have two cakes and say, happy birthday, Chad on him. You're like, who the fuck is Chad?Who gives a shit? But happy birthday, Chad.What mall store had the dumbest employees?Oh, shit.Or what mall store was just like, what mall store was? Whatever. It was like, what are we.What is it?FYI, is that a store?Fye dvd store.Oh, yeah. That was a weird thing, I think. What was that?Um, it was like the guy. It was like. It was like all the fake. Yeah, it was like all the fake movie buffs worked there. Like all, like, it was just like. It was just a weird store. Like they had the weirdest employees there and no disrespect to them, but you guys were weird.It seems weird though, cuz it's like.Like you wanted to work at hot Topics, but you weren't cool enough to work at hot Topic. You wanted to work at like the music trader or even the movie theater and you weren't cool enough to be like. And this was like, all right, fuck it. Here, work at Fye. This is like the leftover shit. Yeah, but to be fair, Fye had a lot of good finds. Like, you could find like the most random ass shit there, you know, like that. Like a Scarface porn. You're like, hell yeah.Oh, yeah. That's respectable. What store had the hot chicks? Wherever? Yeah, what store had chicks in it?Usually the Victoria secrets, Amber Cranberry. When Amber Crowley and Fitch came out, I didn't not go into that store for almost the first year, like even like as an employee working at the mall and they would tell you to go do wellness checks on your stores. I would not go in Abercrombie and Fitch.Why?I didn't fit in the clothes. I just. It's just one of those things, man.Oh, yeah, it was only for attractive people. Like models. Like, yeah, it was for models.So I did not walk in there. And the one time I did walk in, I was like, so this is where all the women are at. Gotcha, gotcha. But Amber Crimea Fitch was just a little intimidating, you know, for myself. How was the Miller's outpost guy?Like, I said that, well, Amber, crummy and Fitz to do, they are. And they'd have like naked children on horseback when they came off all those photos and shit.I thought that was J. Crew that did that.I don't know who it was. J.Crew is one of those stores too.You just like, am I a pedophile or I. Or am I a medium? You know? Like, you just couldn't even. Nothing made any sense in those places. Dude. That was. That was the weird part.Yeah, you felt weird. Oh, yeah, look at. Yeah, straight. And they would have model and sometimes they would have live models standing out there like, come on. Yeah, yeah, that was weird.I worked at one for a little while. I worked in the back, though, back with the sloths back there ringing the bell for fucking, you know, ringing the church bell or whatever.Time, y'all.Let's go. Get your back in the steam room.Yeah.They would let me out sometimes to wash people's six packs in the front.I had to oil them sometimes.Oh.But with the spray, I don't have to do the towel. Thing was like, you know, bet, dude, bet.What were the best things about being a mall cop?The. The leniency of not having, like, a boss hanging over your head sometimes. Because with having the badge, you were able to go places and nobody would fucking question you and flat out, I'm a pothead. So the best thing about being a mall cop, and I think why I stayed there so long was because I had so many hiding places. I had so many, like, resources for free food. People watching was great. You know, it was just like those small things, but the majority of it was just not having somebody breathing down your neck 24/7 because you were like your own boss. You know, a lot of mall cops are a lot of mall security. You'd only be like, one or two guys, you know, four at the most. If it was like, a busy mall, it's like one or two guys and the one guy that's walking around in.The platoon or whatever.Yeah, yeah. And then it's just like, I'm just by myself, you know? And that's always good. It's just always good until somebody makes a call of a lost kid or some shit. Nearly. I gotta go.Would you ever be, would you be high? A lot of times.Most of the time. And if any security guard, if any fucking security guard at a mall says that they weren't stoned or not stoned or doesn't have a pin in their pocket, now you're not a real security guard. You're not. Oh, yeah, security. It's. Stone will never hide that fact.Wow. That had to be so scary. You get a call for a missing kid, and then like a. 30 seconds later, you freaking what you're looking for. And you just buy a. And Annie's pretzel or whatever.Oh, shit.And the mom's like, if you found him, you're like, who?You know? Like, I don't. I'll admit it. Okay, so I'll admit one time, yeah? I was getting really high in the parking lot, and a call comes over that a boyfriend had shown up to one of the stores and the girl had already called the cops, already told the managers. So we were aware of this boyfriend that was being abusive. So I get the call.Mm hmm.Hey, Gus, girls boyfriend's back. This and that. Can you head towards the store? I 100% was, like, confident that I was gonna make this call. I was like, yeah, no problem, no problem. I'll be there right now. I'm on my way. I'm actually walking, but I was in the parking lot smoking. I put my radio down. I go back to my phone, I go back to the blunt that's litanous, and I start scrolling through my phone thinking, all right, let me just hit this a couple more times and I'll get out of here. About ten minutes later, a call comes, says, hey, the police are coming. Now. The guy hit the girl. And I'm like, oh, shit. Oh, fuck. I fucked up. So I'm putting it out. I'm fucking putting the sanitizer on, fucking clone and everything, deodorant. And I'm fucking running towards the thing. And the first thing I do, theo, I can't make this up. I looked around, nobody was watching. I take. I had these little scissors in my. I had this, like, little knife, but it had the scissors in it. I took the scissors and I cut my pants. I took dirt and I went like this, and I came up limping like, where were you?I'm like, I fucking fell and I tripped and I rolled my ankle and I was calling you guys, but nobody was fucking answering me. And they're like, are you okay? I'm like, yeah, I'm fine. Totally lied that I rolled my ankle. And fella, it's because this girl got hit by her boyfriend. Damn. Yeah, to this day, I'm sorry. No, to this day, I feel bad.Yeah, you should have been there.Should have been there. Should have ran to the thing, but I didn't think that was gonna happen. But then.You were hot. Yeah. You didn't think it was serious?I didn't think he was gonna go in and hit her.Yeah, yeah, you're right. My bad, my bad.Because it was like the stories where he was just coming up and yelling at her for like, rent money or whatever the fuck he was asking. Cuz you asked him for my. Kept asking for money. Yeah, but I didn't think he was gonna hit her. But the story went he got. She got in his face and they started doing this and bumping each other and he had pushed her and like, hit her, son. I was like, fuck, I would have been there for that. I would have so been there for that. But instead I was watching fucking videos.Can't win them all, man. You know? And I bet there was a lot of ones that you wondezenhe Gus Parsons, mall cop. We appreciate you, man. Thanks for keeping things secure. And, uh. And yeah, man, thanks for spending your time with us today.I appreciate everything you've done for me, man. I can't thank. I can't thank you guys enough.Oh, yeah. It's been a blast, man. Thank you so much.Now I'm just floating on the breeze? And I feel I'm falling like these leaves I must be cornerstone? Oh, but when I reach that ground I'll share this piece of mind I found? I can feel it in my bones but it's gonna take close.

to say like, like if the parent would walk away, the lady, I guess the lady was walking up and just kind of like, oh, do you know my son? Have you met my son? Oh, I think you go to school with him, he's over there. And I guess she was just like listing random names and just a kid goes to elementary, it's like you might hit one of the names, oh, James is over there. And I guess on the camera one of the kids like looked up and said, oh, james. And went to walk towards and the mom's like, hey, where are you going? And if the mom wouldn't have looked, I think that would have been it for the kid. But no, straight out, like kidnapping lost kids all day out of a five week or out of a five day like schedule for the week.

Four of those days you're gonna deal with a lost kid.

No way.

Guaranteed. Guaranteed.

What happens? What's the major cause of that?

Parents just being like just too into what they're doing. Kids just running off, not paying and like, I have a toddler, man, these kids are, they're just fast, you know what I mean? They're fast as fuck. And once they take off, that's it, you know, like sometimes it's not the parents fault, sometimes it is the parents fault. Like I can really back it up. Like it maybe not, but usually is. I've had kids on the opposite side of the mall where the parents were literally like inside like JC Penney's. And this kid bolted through the whole mall.

Damn.

Made it in other stores, made it all the way down. And now he's just sitting at a toy store by himself. And that's the truth. He was literally sitting in a toy store. And when I found him, he was sitting there playing with a toy. And I say, hey, his name was Jacob. I was like, hey, are you Jacob? And he looked up, he goes, yeah, cuz he was like seven or eight. He was, you know, like he was old enough to know that, fuck my parents. Yeah, I'm gonnay store.

Yeah, I'm gonna do my own shit. Dad's not doing well or whatever.

Nope.

Wow. So that's gotta be kind of, is it scary or does it just get so repetitive that you're like, oh, this is probably the same thing, you know, still scared?

No, to me it's scary because one I'm a parent. And so it always sinks in, like, don't want to lose your kid, but then you always want to slap him in the back of the fucking head. Like, dude, pay attention to your kid.

Yeah, no, so 100%.

But, you know, the worst ones is during, like, the Black Friday, like, the holiday seasons, because it's not like one kid, it's multiple kids that are missing. And it's like they're not even missing. It's just so crowded. You did not paying attention.

And you have to do an intercom thing then, or no.

Oh, yeah.

What do you do?

When do you say you're just getting over the line? If the parents of Jacob or there's a lost kid, he looks like this. And within, if you go over a PA system, within a minute, you know, a lot of parents will start perking up. You know, like, if you have a human heart, you start perking up and looking around, just trying to check your surroundings. And we usually get the call like, oh, he's over here playing with fucking toys, you know, get Jacob.

Yeah. So the food court, what's going on there, man?

Food courts.

You miss it?

Yeah, I missed the OG food courts. Like Sbarro's. Sbarro's pizza was so good. Love it.

It was good and horrible, but it was a lot of people's first taste of Italian.

It was.

Bring it up. Bring up Zbara's bros was good, man. They had a lot of bread at it. That's what I like about it. I feel like it was hella bready. I mean, it's pizza, but still. Yeah, but God, yeah, Zabar, you're right, dude. What the fuck am I talking about? The bars were so damn good. And also, you didn't know at that. There wasn't. You didn't know what was good. Or was it. Get the second. No, no. Yeah, get that one right there. That's the one I went to. God, it looks good, right?

I can just smell sabaros, the borrows, dude. And I loved it, too.

Because you like Zabaro.

I love mall food because you don't have to wait long. It was just like, what do you need? What do you want? And then you just go down this little jail line and you're like, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, pay, and you're out.

And would you guys eat at the. Eat there every day?

Usually pretty much, yeah. Especially because once you get, like, once you make friends with everybody, you're getting discounts, you getting hooked up, and because you're not telling on them because they're doing shit in the parking lot. So, you know. Yeah, we ate there a lot. It gained a lot of weight.

Did you.

Oh, yeah. Especially when Rubio. We had a Rubio's pop up at one of my malls and I thought that was like, okay, I'm gonna start eating fresh and eating better. Fuck. No tortillas all day. It was great.

Fuck, yeah.

Rubio's. Rubio's in a malls. Good.

Yeah, Rubio's is pretty good, man.

They took out a. They used to have a McDonald's in my mall. And I know it's. I know it's weird to say.

Frowned on.

It's like, why would you take out the McDonald's? And it's like. Because everyone would go strictly to McDonald's. Because if you put a McDonald's in the mall, it's just like, you know, like miles to a full flame.

But doesn't that help? Because then at least the malls are around the freaking other stores.

Yeah. But they just. I guess McDonald's just takes all the business from all the food court places.

Oh.

Because kids. Because it's food court. If you're with kids, it's always up to the kid where you're going, you know, and they're like, McDonald's. You know, it's like.

Right. Kids will always hit McDonald's.

Yeah. Especially if they have the playground. Yeah.

And Miss Fields, did they have that?

Oh, misses fields, they had the cookie cakes.

Remember those? Those are fucking good. My mom would always get those for us for our birthdays.

Oh, man.

Dude, bring that cookie.

Yes, yes. So speaking of Miss Fields, in my day, we actually used to get these cookies after they were closed because a lot of these places, they can't, like, sell the shit the next day or it's like. Goes bad or whatever. I've eaten probably a hundred of those fucking birthday cookies in my.

Yeah.

Taking them home, cut them all up, hand out to friends and shit. Yeah, I've showed up to, like, friends houses with fucking three or four of these cookies. Like, is it your birthday? I'm like, no, misses Fields was closing.

You know, you have two cakes and say, happy birthday, Chad on him. You're like, who the fuck is Chad?

Who gives a shit? But happy birthday, Chad.

What mall store had the dumbest employees?

Oh, shit.

Or what mall store was just like, what mall store was? Whatever. It was like, what are we.

What is it?

FYI, is that a store?

Fye dvd store.

Oh, yeah. That was a weird thing, I think. What was that?

Um, it was like the guy. It was like. It was like all the fake. Yeah, it was like all the fake movie buffs worked there. Like all, like, it was just like. It was just a weird store. Like they had the weirdest employees there and no disrespect to them, but you guys were weird.

It seems weird though, cuz it's like.

Like you wanted to work at hot Topics, but you weren't cool enough to work at hot Topic. You wanted to work at like the music trader or even the movie theater and you weren't cool enough to be like. And this was like, all right, fuck it. Here, work at Fye. This is like the leftover shit. Yeah, but to be fair, Fye had a lot of good finds. Like, you could find like the most random ass shit there, you know, like that. Like a Scarface porn. You're like, hell yeah.

Oh, yeah. That's respectable. What store had the hot chicks? Wherever? Yeah, what store had chicks in it?

Usually the Victoria secrets, Amber Cranberry. When Amber Crowley and Fitch came out, I didn't not go into that store for almost the first year, like even like as an employee working at the mall and they would tell you to go do wellness checks on your stores. I would not go in Abercrombie and Fitch.

Why?

I didn't fit in the clothes. I just. It's just one of those things, man.

Oh, yeah, it was only for attractive people. Like models. Like, yeah, it was for models.

So I did not walk in there. And the one time I did walk in, I was like, so this is where all the women are at. Gotcha, gotcha. But Amber Crimea Fitch was just a little intimidating, you know, for myself. How was the Miller's outpost guy?

Like, I said that, well, Amber, crummy and Fitz to do, they are. And they'd have like naked children on horseback when they came off all those photos and shit.

I thought that was J. Crew that did that.

I don't know who it was. J.

Crew is one of those stores too.

You just like, am I a pedophile or I. Or am I a medium? You know? Like, you just couldn't even. Nothing made any sense in those places. Dude. That was. That was the weird part.

Yeah, you felt weird. Oh, yeah, look at. Yeah, straight. And they would have model and sometimes they would have live models standing out there like, come on. Yeah, yeah, that was weird.

I worked at one for a little while. I worked in the back, though, back with the sloths back there ringing the bell for fucking, you know, ringing the church bell or whatever.

Time, y'all.

Let's go. Get your back in the steam room.

Yeah.

They would let me out sometimes to wash people's six packs in the front.

I had to oil them sometimes.

Oh.

But with the spray, I don't have to do the towel. Thing was like, you know, bet, dude, bet.

What were the best things about being a mall cop?

The. The leniency of not having, like, a boss hanging over your head sometimes. Because with having the badge, you were able to go places and nobody would fucking question you and flat out, I'm a pothead. So the best thing about being a mall cop, and I think why I stayed there so long was because I had so many hiding places. I had so many, like, resources for free food. People watching was great. You know, it was just like those small things, but the majority of it was just not having somebody breathing down your neck 24/7 because you were like your own boss. You know, a lot of mall cops are a lot of mall security. You'd only be like, one or two guys, you know, four at the most. If it was like, a busy mall, it's like one or two guys and the one guy that's walking around in.

The platoon or whatever.

Yeah, yeah. And then it's just like, I'm just by myself, you know? And that's always good. It's just always good until somebody makes a call of a lost kid or some shit. Nearly. I gotta go.

Would you ever be, would you be high? A lot of times.

Most of the time. And if any security guard, if any fucking security guard at a mall says that they weren't stoned or not stoned or doesn't have a pin in their pocket, now you're not a real security guard. You're not. Oh, yeah, security. It's. Stone will never hide that fact.

Wow. That had to be so scary. You get a call for a missing kid, and then like a. 30 seconds later, you freaking what you're looking for. And you just buy a. And Annie's pretzel or whatever.

Oh, shit.

And the mom's like, if you found him, you're like, who?

You know? Like, I don't. I'll admit it. Okay, so I'll admit one time, yeah? I was getting really high in the parking lot, and a call comes over that a boyfriend had shown up to one of the stores and the girl had already called the cops, already told the managers. So we were aware of this boyfriend that was being abusive. So I get the call.

Mm hmm.

Hey, Gus, girls boyfriend's back. This and that. Can you head towards the store? I 100% was, like, confident that I was gonna make this call. I was like, yeah, no problem, no problem. I'll be there right now. I'm on my way. I'm actually walking, but I was in the parking lot smoking. I put my radio down. I go back to my phone, I go back to the blunt that's litanous, and I start scrolling through my phone thinking, all right, let me just hit this a couple more times and I'll get out of here. About ten minutes later, a call comes, says, hey, the police are coming. Now. The guy hit the girl. And I'm like, oh, shit. Oh, fuck. I fucked up. So I'm putting it out. I'm fucking putting the sanitizer on, fucking clone and everything, deodorant. And I'm fucking running towards the thing. And the first thing I do, theo, I can't make this up. I looked around, nobody was watching. I take. I had these little scissors in my. I had this, like, little knife, but it had the scissors in it. I took the scissors and I cut my pants. I took dirt and I went like this, and I came up limping like, where were you?

I'm like, I fucking fell and I tripped and I rolled my ankle and I was calling you guys, but nobody was fucking answering me. And they're like, are you okay? I'm like, yeah, I'm fine. Totally lied that I rolled my ankle. And fella, it's because this girl got hit by her boyfriend. Damn. Yeah, to this day, I'm sorry. No, to this day, I feel bad.

Yeah, you should have been there.

Should have been there. Should have ran to the thing, but I didn't think that was gonna happen. But then.

You were hot. Yeah. You didn't think it was serious?

I didn't think he was gonna go in and hit her.

Yeah, yeah, you're right. My bad, my bad.

Because it was like the stories where he was just coming up and yelling at her for like, rent money or whatever the fuck he was asking. Cuz you asked him for my. Kept asking for money. Yeah, but I didn't think he was gonna hit her. But the story went he got. She got in his face and they started doing this and bumping each other and he had pushed her and like, hit her, son. I was like, fuck, I would have been there for that. I would have so been there for that. But instead I was watching fucking videos.

Can't win them all, man. You know? And I bet there was a lot of ones that you wondezenhe Gus Parsons, mall cop. We appreciate you, man. Thanks for keeping things secure. And, uh. And yeah, man, thanks for spending your time with us today.

I appreciate everything you've done for me, man. I can't thank. I can't thank you guys enough.

Oh, yeah. It's been a blast, man. Thank you so much.

Now I'm just floating on the breeze? And I feel I'm falling like these leaves I must be cornerstone? Oh, but when I reach that ground I'll share this piece of mind I found? I can feel it in my bones but it's gonna take close.