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Comedian Sam Bee has made a lot of choices in her life, joining the Daily show, creating full frontal, and choosing to win a few Emmys in the process. You could say she's pro choice. Yes, that choice, but also other choices. She's a supporter of people making life changing decisions that can lead them down a new path that can often lead to many other paths. On Lemonade Media's new podcast, Choice Words, Sam Bee will interview celebrities, politicians, and people she admires about the biggest decisions they've made in their lives. Together, they'll get into the gratitude or regret that accompanies each of their decisions and look at how that one moment impacted their life. Today. Choice words is out now. Wherever you get your podcasts.

Lemonade at her age, her body feels it can't deal. She calls me. I'm at a bar, trying to distract myself from the responsibilities of being a caretaker.

This is Yossi Marez. He's a first generation poet and artist. He's also the primary caregiver for his 90 year old grandmother.

I know it took a lot for her to dial. Abuela swallows her eggs because she is mindful that I have my own life to live. Hey, I gotta go home, I tell my friends at home. She is in bed. Sorry, she says she doesn't know. It's an honor. It's my duty.

Caregiving is an honor. For Yosimar, it's even a joy if you're a family caregiver. Then you might relate to this poem trying to have a night off while having to be on call. As a caregiver, you're always in two pounds places at once. Like when I'm here hosting a podcast talking about caregiving. I'm also wondering if my parents are waiting on me for lunch and when I'm there with them, I'm tracking when my kids are coming home from school so I can be back in time. Once you've taken on the care of someone else, you're never not thinking about them.

I work like ten minutes from my house, but on my lunch break I'm driving back and like checking in on her. Did you eat. Did you do this? Did you do that? I eat really fast, and then I go back, and then I'm constantly calling her to make sure that she's good.

Yosemite is literally between two places while caregiving, but mentally, he's split between two realities too, and that's hard for anyone, but even more so for younger caregivers. Yosimar moved home to care for his grandmother at 31 years old. So today we're talking about being stretched, stepping up, and finding fulfillment. As a caregiver, this is uncared for. I'm your host, Sujin Park. I want to start at the beginning or as far back as we can. Tell us about where you were born, where you grew up, how you came to America, that whole sort of story.

Yeah. So I'm originally from the state of Guerrero, Mexico. I was born there, and at the age of three years old, I migrated to the United States with my grandmother. My grandma was the one that physically carried me into this country. And then we landed in eastside San Jose, which is like 45 minutes from San Francisco. I was raised in this kind of little neighborhood surrounded by immigrants and just all these people. And, yeah, that's kind of my genesis.

Well, I grew up in Union City, so not too far. So I am an east bay gal myself, so I know San Jose very well.

Oh, awesome.

So you were primarily raised by your grandmother. Tell me about your grandmother and her parenting style. And tell me about your grandmother's personality.

Besides the adversities that we lived in, like, the socioeconomic settings that we lived in. I grew up with a strong sense of self. I grew up very confident. I grew up with somebody that didn't murder my spirit, didn't police. I'm queer too, so she never policed my sexuality or my gender expression. I grew up with someone that was very understanding, and so her parenting style was, I guess, like a soft parent. I guess like she was. I think she only beat my ass once, but that's it. But other than that, it was very free and very loving. I just remember her making a lot of sacrifices and just working.

And what did she do for work? Like, what was your day to day? What did it look like for you as a child with her?

You know what? It's interesting. She was an entrepreneur, and I know that it sounds weird to call my grandma an entrepreneur because her hustles were, like, under the table, or they were, like, different. They were not like your ordinary things. My grandmother recycled bottles and cans, so she discovered that there's a recycling center that they pay you money for recycling. And I think this is very common in immigrant communities. People collect soda cans, but mostly people use it as, like, an extra $20 that you might do. But my grandma built a whole enterprise. Like, she connected with the restaurants in our area. And it's very interesting because I feel Mexicans have this reverence for old people. We love old people, and because they. You just think of your grandma. So the waitresses at these mexican restaurants met her, and they had an affinity for her. So they were like, we'll save the recyclables from our restaurant and just give them to you. Just come every Tuesday. So she developed a network of all these restaurants. And so she would come with her shopping cart, sometimes eight shopping carts filled with recyclables. And then she just had a routine.

She did that. She babysat kids. There was a bunch of random ass immigrant kids in my house all the time.

Yosemar says his grandmother also sold phone cards to call Mexico, cooked and served dinner to migrant men, and even sold Mary Kay. She was the ultimate immigrant businesswoman. But what he pictures most is his grandmother recycling bottles and cans.

I have this very vivid memory. Me and my grandma would pushed these huge shopping carts filled with bottles, and they would rattle all over the street when you're. You hear the glass bottles rattling. And on top of that, my homegirl wanted, like, oh, we're not gonna make two trips. So she would tie in big plastic bags on top. So it's me, like, eight years old, pulling from the front, and my grandma, who's really old, pushing, you know, so it's, like, a lot of weight that we're pushing, this huge cart with bottles. And on top of that, my grandfather has another cart. So it's two old people and this little kid. And obviously, it's recyclable. So people already have an assumption of, like, oh, they're poor. This is what they have to do because they're poor. And then I remember we always passed through this restaurant, and this man comes out, and he's like, oh, my God, can I take a picture of you? And we're like, what picture of us? And I have to translate, oh, abuelita di ceor que quireto marona photo. And she's all like, why does he want to take a picture of us?

And he's all like, oh, I want to take a picture because I want to send it to our politicians so they see what poverty looks like in our country. And then she's all like, yeah, tell him to take the picture. And so we pose, and he takes the picture. And then the man takes dollar five and wants to hand it to my grandma for the picture, right? Like, I'm gonna give you $5. And then my grandma looks at me, and she's like, tell him that we don't need the $5. Tell them that it's okay for him to take the picture to showcase how poor people look like. But tell them to also remember to say that we're poor, but everything we have, we work for. And so me translating that was a moment of, like, I was like, wow. Like, that felt good to me.

Chills.

Yeah. I was like, damn, this lady is powerful. And since then, I learned that, yes, I'm poor, but I'm not worthless. So I think that's my grandma's big thing of, like, yes, you're poor, but never fear, pobrecito. Or, like, never let people pity you. That's the worst thing. And so I feel like I've been in this quest all my life to never feel like people should feel sorry for me. Like, I always carry that with me.

I mean, oh, my God, I don't. And I'm just even thinking, like, even at eight, if my mother or grandmother had said that to me to translate, I don't even know if I would understand that. But it would have sunk so deep that later on, right, as you develop your intelligence and your awareness, you're like, oh, that's there. That's the foundation from which I move forward in this life.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm wondering, do you see caregiving for your grandmother and taking care of her as part of your cultural identity?

Everything to me was always a matter of fact. Things just happen. And so for a long time, it was just how things were supposed to go. This lady took care of me. It's my duty to continue on that. And so, as of recently, I discovered the word caregiver. I didn't know what that meant. I didn't know the signifier of that. It was just like, hey, just me and my grandma were chilling. I do a lot of things for her, but now I'm learning that it's actually like an identity. There's a community, there's people that use this word, there's people that identify as this. There's people that have the same issues that I face. And I think in terms of a cultural identity, what I find very interesting is that in immigrant cultures that I come from, it's a matter of fact. What do you mean you're not gonna take care of your old person. Like, what do you mean? And it's always like this. Moral obligation, right? It's like, oh, I take care of my grandma. Everywhere the restaurants, random people walk up to me, hey, I wanna thank you for what you're doing. And I'm like, why?

You don't know this lady? And they're like, no, I wanna thank you, and I wanna let you know that God is gonna bless you. I get a lot of blessings from random people. Everywhere I go, people stop us. And maybe it's the response that you get from watching a young person carrying this old lady out the car or helping her cut her food at a restaurant or making sure that her hair is done, that I get a lot of that in a lot of spanish speakers, right? The metaphor that I find in a lot of these people that come thank me for taking care of my grandma. They say if I still had my mother, I would be doing the same thing. And I think about a lot of them who come to this country who didn't have the privilege because of borders to go bury their mothers. And so by me seeing that and acknowledging that, somehow that makes them feel closer or better. And so, yeah, it's been an interesting journey. Cause I feel like now, culturally, I see a lot of that.

She must be such a powerful symbol to see not only an elder person, but someone who is loved, someone who is so well taken care of. I mean, just even in the photos, you can see just her hair and the way she dresses, and, I mean, I've never met her, and I know that, like, this woman is loved by her family.

Yeah. I feel like, for me, success is making sure that my undocumented 90 year old grandmother has time to rest and that when she transitions, she leaves knowing. It was a beautiful journey. And I was so loved. I was so loved. Somebody loved me unconditionally. My grandma was never somebody that took care of herself. She was always working. She's never really done her nails. She's never really. She was a worker, great woman. She always had a braid on. And so one of the biggest things is we started doing manicures and pedicures for her because she just likes sparkly nails and then her outfits, her hair. Going to the salon was a big thing, cutting her hair. So things like that, those are the things that I think build her self esteem and make her feel excited about her just stepping out into the world. And so those are the things that I'm very mindful of that I think will help her to feel happy. And so that's been the mission that I've been on because, you know, as an undocumented immigrant, it's been so difficult. It's difficult for us every day. And so if I can create that bubble for her, I think I'm good.

And so I think maybe that is the response. I want my grandma to know that her journey into this country was worth it.

Yes, the everyday things that preserve their dignity and give your loved ones a sense of value are just as important as keeping track of medications and appointments. My mom was super stylish growing up. She came to this country with a small suitcase filled with custom clothing that she wore in Korea on Sundays. She used to dress so beautifully for church. I want to hold onto some of that for her, even though now she just wants to put on the same sweatsuit because it's easy. I still like to go through her closet and pull out, you know, simple, beautiful things that she could put on when she goes out. And when she sees the outfits I've picked, she laughs. I think because it feels good to have someone care about her like that. After this short break, Yosimar talks about moving back home with his grandmother during COVID and what caregiving looks like on a day to day basis. Voices matter, stories create change, and perspectives are powerful. That's what the team at the Commonwealth Fund believes, and it's why they make space for the stories of people who have been affected by the inequities in our healthcare system system and for the voices of those working to root out racism in healthcare.

Their advancing health equity Instagram account shares news, lifts perspectives, and publishes data on the state of health equity in the US. Follow them on Instagram advancinghealthequity to keep a pulse on one of the most important issues at hand right now.

People love to pretend that there are simple formulas for living your best life. Now eat this and you wont get sick. Manifest it and everything will work out. But there are some things you can choose and some things you can't. And it's okay that life isn't always getting better. I'm Kate Boaler, and on everything happens, I speak with kind, smart, funny people about life as it really is. Beautiful, terrible, and everything in between. Let's be human together. Everything happens is available wherever you get your podcasts.

We're back. Yosimar's journey to becoming his grandmother's caregiver meant leaving the life he'd built for himself in LA, which was pretty great.

I was living my best life. I was like, oh my God, I have my own apartment. I have my own friends, I have my own schedule. Like, I think those five years were like a taste of me building my own identity, me not worrying about anything. And I was touring. I was doing a bunch of talks all over the country. Like, it was great. I was like, dude, this is what it like to be a young professional. You know, when you're at your peak, you're like, yes, I'm killing it. I'm in my boss girl era, you know, like, this is me. But I was still paying my grandma's rent in San Jose, and at the time, she was living in the same apartment we grew up in. So it was hard because here I am in my big apartment in LA, and then I would come at the end of the month and I had to sleep on the floor. So it was like the tale of two cities, you know, these two identities of, like. And of course, the guilt. The guilt of, like, how is it possible that I. That I'm living this and I'm letting my grandma live in these conditions?

When Covid hit, Yosimar knew he had to move back and take care of his grandmother. He was only 31 at the time, which feels so young, but it turns out that's not entirely uncommon. According to AARP, latino caregivers are the youngest group caring for an adult in the US, and they account for about 17% of all family caregivers. As Yossi Mars stepped into this role, his priority was to move his grandmother to a better place.

Somebody was giving artist grants to Covid relief for artists, and they gave me a $10,000, a $10,000 artist grant. And I can assure you that money is what helped me get my whole family out of there. I was able to do a down payment paid the first month. I invested that money and used it, and we moved out of that. But the biggest challenge was not moving physically. It was not moving physically. We moved five minutes from where we used to live. It was moving my grandmother out of that apartment. Mentally, she was stuck there. That was her home. That's all she knew. She was scared every day. She didn't, I don't want to move. I don't want to leave. I don't want to leave. It didn't matter. There was roaches everywhere. It didn't matter. There was. This apartment was like, she got stuck. The reason we never elevated as a family is because we were stuck in our own mentality that this is all we deserved. And so now it's interesting because now we live way better and now she has a little garden. She can go outside. Our neighborhood is safe to walk through, so she's adjusting now, but it's very difficult.

Yeah. And today, how is your grandmother? How is her health? You know, what kinds of things is she able to do? What kinds of things is she not able to do anymore?

My grandma has severe glaucoma, so she's partially. She's lost vision in our left eye. She probably sees about 30%, so she probably sees me blurry. She recognizes voices, but other than that, like, she's agile. She wakes up every morning. She cooks three meals a day. She sweeps. She mobs. She's up here climbing things. I'm like, girl, don't do that. She has osteoporosis too, so her little bones are like, they're really fragile. So I'm always scared that she's going to fall or break something. Cause I'm like, dude, if you break something, it's going to cost me more money, so don't do it. But sometimes she gets frustrated with herself because her mind is very agile. She's very alert. I told people that I do not need a ring alarm camera because she sees everything. Like she is. She'll see it. She notices everything. But what she's battling is that her mind wants to do all these things, but then her body is so slow. I noticed these little things that she gets depressed. She wants to cook rice, and she can't see the white grains. So sometimes she spills it everywhere in the kitchen. Right. And that it's not the rice.

That thing is a reminder to her of, like, something's happening in my body, and so she gets sad. Or, we don't have glass cups in our house because she can't. When she's washing dishes, she can't see the glass, so sometimes it breaks, and that will remind her of her condition. She'll say sentences like, I don't work for anything anymore. Like, these little sentences that if you're not in tune, maybe because I'm a poet, I'm in tune to the significance of words like that. But if it was somebody that wasn't intuitive, they'll probably just dismiss it of, like, her just saying that. No, she actually internalizes that. She actually feels that she can't. She's not worked. She can't help me. And so those are the things that I'm more aware of now, that more than anything, I think I remind people that caregiving is not her medications. Yeah. So I can put the alarm and give it to her. It's emotional because she gets really sad. Some days she's sad because she's lonely, but I'm teaching her. Okay, what do you feel? And she's like, oh, I feel like this. Are you depressed? You know, and she's like, what's depressed?

And I told her and then she's like, oh, yeah, yeah, I think I'm depressed, you know, because we don't have language. So I think those are the beautiful things that she's learning of how to vocalize feelings. Yeah, yeah.

I mean, this is the caregiving work that's hardly ever talked about. I know for me, it's really complicated to not only be in charge of my parents physical well being, but their emotional one as well. Of course you want to give them that support, but it's hard to be that tuned in when there's a million other things on your to do list. What are some of the day to day things that you yourself take on as caregiver for your grandmother?

You know, my day usually starts at six and so at six, my grandma's very particular about her breakfast. Some days she likes one thing, one day she likes another. So I have to negotiate food all the time because she needs to eat. She doesn't like to eat breakfast super early because she has to take her medication. So my grandma's very particular. If the doctor told her to take the medication at nine, she needs to take it at nine. It can be 09:02. It can be 09:05. It kind of made 910. The world has to stop because she has her little phone and it needs to be at this exact time. So we have to do that. Probably have her clothes set out for her, what she's gonna wear. I feed the dog and then I'm like, I'm gonna work, go to work till twelve, call her. Do you need anything? Do you want something to eat? What do you need? Then come check in on her. And then I usually get out of work at five and I come home, make sure that she has everything. If she's gonna shower, we don't have a those compliant showers, so I'm always scared.

So she has a little stool that she uses and she just bathes with a bucket, like super immigrant style. Then put her other medication, make sure that she has a dinner that she likes and then, yeah, that's kind of been like a roundabout getting her ready for bed. But in between that there's emotions. One day is bad, one day is good, one day she wants to go to exercise, I go walking my dog. So we'll do a mile. If I can get a mile out of her walking. Awesome. Sometimes she won't go, so it's things like that. But now I discovered the senior center. Shout out to the senior centers on here. I am in love with the senior center. Those are my best friends now. She's so eager. We go from ten to twelve and it's the best thing because I can drop her off before work and pick her up at lunch. And she's already tired by noon, so by the time I bring her home, she's exhausted. So she just goes to bed till two and then it's chilling. So I'm like, oh my God, that has been a, I don't know, it's been a lifesaver, I think.

And she's so excited. She's like a little kid going to school. She's like, I want to go to this school. And, you know, they just, it's just a bunch of seniors hanging out, talking and like playing Loteria or like dancing or doing little mobile exercise. She's been enjoying that a lot and it's, it just so happens that it's five minutes from my job, so it's just so easy. So I'm very grateful for that place.

I wanted to talk about even just the nitty gritty details of, like, finances. How do you pay for your grandmother's healthcare? Has it been a challenge?

Yeah. So initially, obviously, when we were like, we were not having that much money, it was very difficult. So we didn't necessarily really go to the doctor. But obviously my grandma's stuff is more chronic now, so obviously she needs care, routine checks all the time. We live in California. California has a little bit more resources for undocumented immigrants. So my grandmother has Medi Cal and she has full school benefits. Now, thankfully, to all that activism that folks have done to do like a health for all kind of plan. And so my grandma gets vision, dental, mental, and her primary doctors, and so we're trying to use all of that towards full benefits.

Just some quick context here, because what you're hearing from Yosemite is not the norm. 50% of undocumented adults are uninsured, which is more than five times the uninsured rate of us citizens. A small but growing number of states have taken steps to make health care coverage more affordable to immigrants, including those who are undocumented. But there are still a lot of gaps. Yosimar is able to get his grandmother care in California, which is great. Figuring out how this system works, though, is still a challenge.

The hardest thing is finding out, researching all this stuff. It's so much information. I didn't know, you know, navigating so many numbers and agencies. There are resources out there, but it's just like, digging and having the time to do that. I have my own life. I have my own dreams. I have things that I want to build. I have a career that sometimes I feel it stagnant because I have to do all this paperwork. And so sometimes that's the most difficult part of, like, dude, like, I want to go do something, and I can't because I have this person that I have to fill out a form for. And it's a lot.

It is a lot. Filling out forms, navigating the system by yourself can be overwhelming and soul draining. Medi Cal and other Medicaid programs around the country may offer care coordinators or care management. They can help assess medical needs, schedule appointments, and connect you and your loved one to community resources or social workers. Tapping into resources like this might ease some of the stress, especially for those of us, like Yosumar, who are doing this alone.

I don't have any in home support. I don't have anybody that comes to my house or helps me with her. So I. That's the one that I. Where I'm at right now, that I'm investigating and figuring out if I can get someone, they can help me, because I feel guilty. I work, like, ten minutes from my house, but on my lunch break, I'm driving back and, like, checking in on her. Did you eat? Did you do this? Did you do that? I eat really fast, and then I go back and then, like, just give me four more hours. And then I'm constantly calling her to make sure that she's good. I'm scared that she might open the door or, you know, little things that happen. I got her a dog, so the dog alarms her if there's someone around. And it helps that she's like a scary little immigrant, so she doesn't open doors for anybody. But things like that. That just. It's just things. One thing I'm thinking of, like, is putting a little camera in my house so I can track what she's doing outside the house. But I don't want to be so paranoid like that.

It's interesting. Cause I'm in two places at once all the time. And so I'm learning that my brain has to function like that.

Yeah, it's so funny because I'm looking at a camera that I bought on Amazon last week right there. And I was like, okay, it's time. I gotta put a camera in if they fall, blah, blah, blah. And then I open the box, I'm like, this isn't the right one. I gotta return that. I mean, even that takes research and, like, so much time.

You know what's funny? Like, I'm thinking about, remember? I don't know if. I mean, when I was younger and I would stay home from school, they would have always had those life alarm commercials. Like, I fall in, I can't get up. And I always find at that time, I would find it funny. I was like, oh, that's funny. Like, why wouldn't it?

It was a joke.

Yeah, that was a joke. Now I'm like, girl, I need to get me one of those for my grandma so she could. But my grandma's gonna be pressing that button all the time because she likes attention.

I remember those commercials. I mean, it's funny. A medical alert button might seem far fetched to some, but as a caregiver, you really do worry about every single moment you're away. When we come back, yossi Marr talks about boundaries, and the two of us, trauma bond.

We're trauma bonding. This is beautiful. Us trauma bonding.

Hello, I'm Joelle Brevel, medical Mythbuster and host of the dose, a health policy podcast from the Commonwealth fund. Each season, I sit down with a leading health policy expert and medical professionals to have real conversations about the issues that keep them up. At night, we talk about breakthroughs in their research and their new ideas to make our healthcare system work better for all Americans. This idea of equity needs to be taken up by everyone and wherever you are in your work, whatever sector that you're in. We need to have conversations about what tomorrow looks like. I hope you'll check out the dose and enjoy listening to our interviews. You can find us at Thedose show or by searching your podcast app for the dose from the Commonwealth Fund.

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Looking back at your decision when you decided to take care of your grandmother and come home, knowing now all that you know about what it really means to take care of. To take care of a loved one, how consuming it is. What do you think about it? Sitting here now?

I have moments that are joyful. There's moments I'm like, oh, this is fun. There's moments where I'm very frustrated. There's moments where I'm like, girl, I need a break. Don't talk to me for a whole day. I need to go away. Sometimes I cry in my car because I'm just like, ah, why is this my life? I don't want this to be my life. But ultimately, I think, you know, I started reading all these self help books. I'm that girl. I'm that girl with self help books of the girl. That's like, boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. Um, but ultimately, I think I look at her. She does things that she does little small gestures because she always wants to help. My grandma just wants to help. I appreciate that. And I know that she means it. Um, and even now, you know, we're talking about her. She wants to go back to Mexico. And I tell her, do you want. Why do you want to go back to Mexico? Do you don't like it here? You don't like how I take care of you? And she's like, I want to go back to Mexico because I know that I am interrupting your life.

And if I leave, you'll be happy. You won't have to deal with me. And see, I'm tearing up. I'm tearing up because knowing that she wants to be with me, in her making that sacrifice, she's making note that she wants to just help me. And so those are the things that make me feel like, no, you don't have to go, girl. Just. Just go somewhere else for two days.

Man. It's a lot. It is so much. And for me, with my parents, I'm sort of more like. Like my brother gets to because he lives farther away. He comes in and he's like, fun guy, you know, he's gonna cook, he's gonna put on music, and I'm just looking at him like I have to come here and clean toilets, you know what I mean? Every three days because I can't hire even someone to do that because they won't let a stranger in the house, you know what I mean? So it's interesting. You go through all the things. You just get through the checklist. And then there's no room left for feeling the sacred, the joy. That's where I get stuck, where it just feels like such a grind. And then I wake up at three in the morning with, like, did. That's my. That's my busiest time I go to work.

We're trauma bonding. This is beautiful, us trauma bonding. Because that's exactly. And then, like, I'm always. I feel like the bad parent. I like the disciplinary because I also hold her accountable. People view my grandma and big fight. Give her leeway because she's old or like, oh, don't talk to her like that. Or don't know. She needs boundaries. Hey, I haven't eaten breakfast. Let's not. Don't bring problems to me right now. Like, let me eat. I started doing that.

Yeah. What's the hardest thing about setting boundaries?

Yeah. One of the biggest things with my grandma within boundaries that I am trying to set for her is making her realize that I also have things that I have to do. I can't be. Everything can be a crisis, crisis, crisis. Cause I tell her all the time, like, if you. I'm not going to start believing you when there's really an emergency because you're always having emergency. So I need to make sure that you only ring the alarm where it's really, really bad. And so that. And also, again, her respecting my time, making sure that she's not calling me all the time. Hey, I'm in a meeting. Hey, I'm going to dinner from eight to ten. I might go out to the club after. Do not call me, call somebody else. I'm not on duty. I'm off. So those are the biggest things. She breaks them all the time, but I have to, like, remind her, hey, I need my own time, so.

Yeah, yeah. And like, and that's really interesting. I love that because we don't have to be everything all the time.

Yeah, yeah.

You know, when they need it. I mean, that is really hard. That is so hard. Because saying no to like someone you love that feels like they need you. You feel like such a terrible person.

No, I felt like I grew up like that. I felt everything was urgent. Everything's urgent. Urgency, urgency. Everything's a sense of urgency. And now, okay, it's urgent at a five, but now it's a three. So this three can be handled by somebody else. So you need to learn how to delegate. So I'm not. You're not blowing up my. She has a phone. She loves to tell that little phone. And so, like, delegate, delegate. So she's learning how to delegate, but it's very difficult. But also, I've learned that. That I need to make a list with actual tasks that other people can do. I think that's the difficult thing about caregiving, is that we don't know how to ask for help because we assume that people have common sense to know that if you have a 90 year old grandmother that you have not visited it in two weeks or called, then maybe you should. I am always reminding people, call your grandma. Call your grandma. Cause that girl needs somebody to talk to other than the birds you bought her. You know, like, and me. And me. Call.

And me. Can you call your grandmother or me? You wrote on an instagram post, part of the journey of being a caregiver means that you are also starting the process of grieving. What do you mean by that?

I just. Sometimes my grandma gets sad, and I get sad. I start seeing her, and then I realize, dude, what am I gonna do? She's part of my life. Like, she's in the fabric of everything that I do. It's so integral. One time I spoke at a conference, and after the conference, I got an anxiety attack. I was panicking palpitations, like, and I didn't bring my anxiety meds right. I was like, oh, I'm so dumb. And I'm, like, freaking out. I'm freaking out, and I'm crying because I'm having this thing. I'm alone in this big hotel room, like, I just. And just freaking out. And at that instant, you know, I called my grandma. Oh, I'm having this thing. And then my grandma's like, okay, don't worry, don't worry, don't worry. I got you. My grandma's solution for everything. She has this giant print bible with big letters because she can't see. So she opens this big bible with her little broken magnifying glass, and she starts reading a verse or starts, you know, channeling, whatever thing, and she's like, I got you. I got you. I'm gonna pray for you, and it's gonna go away.

You just watch. And just me. I know that's not gonna solve it. My medication is gonna make it go away. But just me needing to hear that, that at least I have someone that's caring for me or praying for me, I think those are the things that help me. And so that's the grieving part, that eventually, I'm not gonna have someone on the phone bugging me all the time, and I'm not gonna have someone that I can just pray for me. And so, yeah, that's the scary part. And so I'm grappling with that. I make. Trying to make, you know, make peace with that.

Have you talked about, you know, what the end of your grandmother's life will be like with her and how her being undocumented affects that, affects you, affects this push and pull that's going on?

Yeah, it's very difficult. I say that when I'm fighting to stay in this country, I'm not necessarily fighting to stay in San Jose. I'm not necessarily fighting to stay here. It's cute. San Jose is cute, but this is not my life. You know, I'm fighting to stay surrounded by the people that I love and that love me unconditionally. I'm fighting to stay in the community that uplifted me and supported me and gave breath to me when I couldn't breathe. And so in that instant, I think my grandmother is my country. My grandmother is the place that I want to be in. And so in that same place, my grandma, she wants to go back.

Back to Mexico, that is. YOSEMAR says his grandmother has been torn about whether to make this move before she dies. Because she's undocumented, she can't move between her home country and the US freely. Yosemar has experience with this issue. Seven years ago, his grandfather back to Mexico.

Before he died, we buried him over the phone because we couldn't be there. And so someone called us on FaceTime, and we began to watch the procession from FaceTime. That was so hard, and that was traumatizing because I was like, dude, I don't want to bury my grandmother like that. Like, I feel guilty that I couldn't bury my grandfather. Like, I wasn't there. And in his last breath, he was calling out for us. We weren't there. Yeah, he returned to Mexico to his sons, but he hadn't seen them in 26 years. We were his family. And so I don't want that to happen to my grandmother. And I told her, like, if you make the choice to return back, I want to be the one that brings you back. I want to be the one that's on the plane with you. And we're going to sort through this. We're going to figure it out. Right now. She says she's a wanna go back, but when she gets mad, when she gets mad, she's like, buy me my ticket. Buy me my ticket tomorrow because I'm going back you know, like a guilt tripping. I was like, girl, let's go.

We'll buy it right now. What you want? Southwest, which I want to fly here, because we can buy it, you know? But at the end of the day, I just want her to be happy. And so I don't know. I don't know what's gonna happen. It's so up in the air. Who knows? But for now, I'm like, girl, let's just chill out. Let's just find peace. No more drama in our lives. Let's just. Just live cute little immigrant lives. That's it.

I love talking to Yosimar. It's such a good feeling to laugh with someone who understands exactly what you're going through. But Yosimar also has his moments of crying in his car and missing his independence. As caregivers, we're often straddling the line between two worlds, two identities, maybe even two countries. And it's hard. But ultimately, Yosemite reminded me that caregiving is a privilege for a lot of reasons. It's not something everyone is able to do. So if you're a caregiver, take your loved one to get their hair done or pick out a nice outfit for them. Make them feel beautiful. Celebrate them. There's more uncared for with lemonade. Premium subscribers get exclusive access to bonus content, like unaired interview clips from caregivers across the country. Subscribe now. In Apple podcasts, uncared for is a production of lemonade Media. I'm your host, Sujin Park. Muna Danish is our supervising producer. Lisa Fu and Hannah Boomershine are our producers. Our mix is by Ivan Kurayat. Our music is by Andrea, Kristen's daughter, and Hans Dale Su. Our associate producer is Isaura Acevez. Jackie Danziger is our vp of narrative content. Executive producers are Jessica Cordova Kramer and Stephanie Wittleswacks.

This season of Uncared for is presented by the Commonwealth Fund, a nonprofit foundation making grants to promote an equitable, high performing healthcare system. Help others find our show by leaving us a rating and writing a review. You can follow me on Instagram, ujinpak and Lemonada emanata Media across all social platforms. Follow uncared for wherever you get your podcasts and listen ad free on Amazon Music with your prime membership. Thanks so much for listening. See you next week. This show is presented by the Commonwealth Fund, a nonprofit foundation whose mission is to promote a high performing, equitable healthcare system. The Commonwealth Fund supports research to improve healthcare policy and practice and has a long history of exploring what the US can learn from the best health care around the world to do better here at home, especially for people of color, people with low income, and those who are uninsured. To learn more, visit commonwealthfund.org dot.

Think about a moment in your life that changed you, where one day you were yourself, and then the next day, poof, you werent. Im Stephanie Whittleswacks, host of the show last day, and each week I sit down with a new guest to explore happy, sad stories of transformation. Some last days are hopeful, some are tragic. But on the other side of every last day is a fresh start. Come laugh. Cry with us. Listen to last day wherever you get your podcasts.