This is a Headgum podcast. And welcome to another beautiful episode. We got a fun one. Of America's number one podcast, Don't look it up. We're here to help. We sure do, Jay. We got a fun one.

Well, we did their podcast.

Yes, the Broad Ideas podcast.

Yes. And while we were doing it, they said to us, You could use our studio, but you should do video. They said, How do you do it? I said, We do it. This is Rachel Billson.

And Olivia Allen.

They said, How do you do it? We said, We do it over Zoom. They said, Well, you guys are good together. You really should do it in person.

They commented on how they were like, You're guys. They did. You have modeled good. It's like hanging out with two James Deans. They said they did.

We took their advice, and so we appreciate them a lot. If you have not heard their show, start with our episode.

Yeah, they said that's one of their favorite ones. Start there. Give their show a listen. But we're very lucky to have them on our show today.

We have one of the best solutions.

It's really good. We're very happy with this. They're killers. We honestly rushed this episode out because we were like, This is so good. Let's I'll just get it going. Yes. Yeah, give it a listen. We appreciate it. I mean, maybe the last time we'll say it, Jake's movie, Self Reliance. Go check it out.

I think we can be done saying this is the last one.

Self Reliance on Hulu right now.

Then It won't be the last time we say this, Garfman, where are you going to be?

I'm going to be all over the place, from Las Vegas to New Orleans. Go to garethreinds. Com.

How do you spell that as Gail Buchanon?

G-a-r-e-t-h-r-e-y-n-o-l-d-s. Com. You'll to the tour dates, and that'll send you to Slash Events.

If you're at his show and it's wrapping up and he's saying, Thank you, maybe yell from the audience, Take us out with Gail Buchanon.

Sure, whatever you want. Listen, if you show up and I'm walking on stage, you could yell whatever the hell you want.

Let's have every live garf show have a little bit of Gilly Buchana.

Gilly B. Buchana, Alice and I are not on the Rocks. We're stronger than ever.

What if you had, before a standup comes out, somebody does the like, You You know him from... What if Gil did your own intro? It's hard.

There's a timing thing, but we could try it.

Oh, because somebody's on stage doing it.

Whenever I go in Australia, you have to back-announce yourself a lot. Meaning what? Meaning you have to go, Ladies of gentlemen, Give it up for your headline of comedian, Gareth red. You're like, That's me, pretty obviously. That is a good tactic for theirs, no doubt.

Then what happens in the States?

The MCAP will bring it up.

They do an opener and then bring it up.

I got you. Yeah, exactly. I got you. But either It's your way. It would be a pleasure. It would be a pleasure.

Thank you guys for listening to the show, Telling your friends, and without further ado. Now we're ready?

Yes. Okay, here we go.

Well, that was a weird start, Kevin.

Well, yeah, we think something strange is probably happening on this call, but let's get into it. Whoever you are, we'll get to that in a minute. You're on We're Here to Help. Sorry, America's number one podcast. You're on with Jake Johnson.

America's number two podcast.

Is joining us. Yes.

We could give them number one. Come on.

All right, you're on America. You're on with a couple of great podcasts that are tied for America's number one. You're on with Jake Johnson, Gareth Reynolds, Rachel Billson, and Olivia Allen. They're the host of the Broad Ideas podcast. So listen, not to put any pressure on your call, but this is really a big one.

And if you guys have not heard their podcast, you need to. It's a lot of fun. Jake and I, we're on it. We're on it. So start with ours over there and then listen to all the rest. But we're excited you guys are here.

It is the best one. I'm not just saying.

Is that right? We do recommend it. Really? What should we listen to?

We're like, Do this. All of our We're Here to Help fans, go check out their podcast. Listen to the four of us chat. We had so much fun. They told us, You guys need to be in studio.

That's right. That everyone needs to see your faces.

We listened. Now, here we are. You guys came to ours, and we appreciate it.

We appreciate it. We appreciate it.

We appreciate you. We appreciate it. By the way- Right before we started, they said they had a pitch for a movie idea for us, so let's go to the pitch again. No, go ahead, ladies. You see what I do there? I'm a rat.

You are a rat.

I'm a rat. Yeah.

That was you committing to it. That's right.

The movie pitch is just simply something about we all swap in some hotel room. We don't swap.

No.

It's just- You took them out.

Yeah, I'm not going to get into the details. It's too much.

It is too much. It's too much.

You guys will see about it on deadline.

That's right. Absolutely. I can't wait. And by the way, Jake and I are already in. I don't know if we said that already. We signed the deal.

It's official. Rachel and I saw each other on Halloween.

We sure did.

Random on the street. On the street. You were a cowgirl or a cowwoman.

Oh, yeah.

I had to throw... Yes, I threw on a cow woman hat.

Cowwoman is a great adjustment.

Hello, cowwoman.

Well, I think I called you- You called me something. I called you something that you said, This isn't right.

You were like, You're a cow she.

I think I called you a girl cowboy. A girl cowboy? You said, That's not how it's said. Then she Jake being so delicate. What are you, a man in a garbage bag? You were.

You were a man in a garbage bag.

It's actually a trash guy.

It was a last second. I realized that he had a costume. That street that we partied on together is a big kid mania street. My wife said, You got to wear something. She goes, Maybe it's a cape. When I got there, the first person I saw said, What are you? Garbage? It was a night of people saying, So you're just literally trash for Halloween? I went like, I think there another plan, but at this point, I'm just trash.

I think my first thought was Silver Lining's playbook, which was a little bit of a step up from garbage.

That's what I did.

I was- Didn't they wear trash bags in that movie?

Yeah, they did. I think he did. He did at one point.

I'm a film guy.

He runs in a trash.

I don't watch those movies.

I'm a film guy. I don't know these movies.

Laine, let's go back to you. Can we get your age, please?

Yes, I'm 25.

25. Where are you calling from, Laine? I'm from Michigan. Michigan? What part? Do you mind telling us? It matters.

It does.

Big difference between north and south. Absolutely. You said Western, Michigan?

Western, Michigan, right on the lake.

I grew up right on that same lake. Same here, Jake. Don't try to think you're better than us. Keep going.

He's so sensitive. All right, Laine.

Something happened. Nothing happened. We're just Lake Buddies. That's all I'm saying. We're Lake Buddies. Yeah, we're Lake Pals. Relax. We are. We are, you. God, Laine, listen to Jake. He just doesn't want to align himself with anyone. He's got to be on an island all alone. That's why we call him Mâchina. Laine, what is the issue? What's going on?

I moved away from West Michigan for about five years. When I came back, I went back to my childhood dentist office, and I was just getting a normal cleaning. But I also needed to be fitted for a nightguard because I grind my teeth at night.

So they got to put that like putty in your mouth.

Yeah. That's what they do.

They fill your mouth with putty. You bite down and it's spilling out of your mouth on the sides.

Jake, are you a dentist? You're using all the technical terms.

Olivia and I are dentists. We went to school for it, but we quit. We got in a podcast game together.

Okay, so the dentist threw a bunch of putty in your mouth, and it was leaking all over your face. Okay, so you're getting fitted for your night. Important.

Important, no, not the dentists, the assistant put it and it's all over my face. Then they take it out, whatever. They're going to do the impression. They don't show you yourself, so I still have the puddy all over my face and mouth.

It's not a flattering moment.

No. Then this is where the problem comes in. Talk to us. In walks the dentist.

Wait, quickly. Let's give him a name. Let's give him a name. He's hot.

He's hot.

Olivia wants to know, was he hot?

That's coming. But yes, his name, we can call him John.

Dr. John?

Dr. John.

Dirty John.

Dirty? Wait. Olivia just pitched, Can we call him Dirty John? Please.

May we?

Of course, we can call him Dirty John.

Dr. Dirty John. Okay. Of course. That's the name of the movie they pitched us, actually.

It is. You're not far off. You're not far off.

Okay, so hold on. So, Laine, we're back. You went to your childhood dentist. The assistant puts a bunch of puddy in your mouth. You're just not looking great. A super hot dentist, Dr. Dirty John, walks in, and now you're back in charge.

Yeah. Well, I was expecting my old childhood dentist to walk in. So I'm not expecting anything. I look up into the beautiful light above me, and there he is. And I'm like, Who are you? I don't know. I have the putty all over my mouth. We start chatting. He introduces himself, and he is extremely hot. I can't tell if he's wearing a ring because he's got the gloves on because he's about to be knuckled deep in my mouth. Wow.

Jesus Christ. This is great. Kevin, we got a title. Okay, so he's about to be knuckles deep in your mouth.

Yeah, I guess my question is, do you guys think I should go for it? And if so, what route should I take? And asking them out or-Hold on, lady.

Hold on, Laine. Hold on, Laine. Laine, hold on. Hold on, Laine. You're doing what I love, but you're doing it too fast. You remember what I was saying? I hate the middling and the bullshit.

Jake never has this problem.

Laine, everything about you I like so far. But I will say, God damn it, we got to slow down a little bit.

My question is, how was he in your mouth?

Nice. Great question.

That is a good time.

Very Rachel Billson question.

Come on, if we're going to ask the question.

Rachel already created this clip for us.

Exactly. How are his fingers in your mouth?

The name says it all. He's Dr. Dirty John. It was wonderful in my mouth.

But hold on, is that real? Because sometimes people are in your mouth or in your body in terms of medicine, and there's nothing, and sometimes it is something.

I don't know. Is that true? Have you had something? Have you had something?

Jake, what the hell does that sound?

That went sideways. Jake, what is true?

I'm getting nervous.

That went sideways. Jake, please, for everyone, because we all have a similar reaction, which is what?

Which I didn't expect.

I know. I can tell.

I really thought that was going to be a universal, of course.

What did you just say?

I said that there are...

Kevin, could I think you're giddling back there. I think you need to slow down and tell us what you're talking about.

We're here to help Sweet Lamy.

But wait, what did you just say?

What do you mean? I said sometimes there are situations where you'll go to a procedure and it is just what it is. Other Other times you go for a little bit more fun.

That was amazing.

Interesting. This makes me really uncomfortable because my husband's a doctor. Oh, wow.

Does Jake go to him?

He better not. I know you liked it. No.

I did, and so did he, bitch.

I do get nervous about that. Keep checking.

There's something further up. And guess what? We had a wonderful 45 minutes.

You remember when Jake came back after his appointment with Chipotle and asked if they wanted to eat together? That's when we was like, What?

My question to you, Laine, is when the procedure started, was it by the book? Was it science? Was it flirty? Was it fun? What happened?

Well, that was pretty run-of-the-mill. He just checked me out inside my mouth, and it was good. Everything was good there. But then after, we did chat a little because my brother's own a dental lab where they make implants and fake teeth.

Sure. It was a good start.

Then we had a connection over that, and he was like, Oh, yeah, I know your brother's like, your family's so fun, blah, blah, blah. It seemed like it was going good.

He was skeptical for some reason. I don't know why. But we just did a look like we were on the same page. I admitted.

He joined me. I did.

But you didn't know why. I admitted in the middle, I'm confused.

I noticed.

Yeah, but I was like, Mm-hmm.

Well, because she was saying that they were talking about this stuff and I was going in my mind, okay, that's...

Oh, like good start?

No.

Oh, like nothing.

I was like, that sounds like typical dentist talk. Really? I could imagine. Is there a typical dentist talk?

I feel like there's a post-coital chat after every-Yeah.

I'm with you, Olivia. It's not like what you were talking about was like, What's your favorite cocktail you have on the beach? You're talking about, My brothers also do this for a living.

Do what you do, and I know the company.

Maybe we could hook up in business with you and them.

It wasn't our pitch that we came in with this morning. Great pitch.

That's right. It's a great pitch. I'm with her. My head nod was premature, but now that I've caught up to it, I agree. There's nothing really flirty happening. You're chatting Tentive stuff, and he put his fingers in your mouth, but for you, it was fun for him. He's looking to see if you need a fucking retainer. I'll tell you what doesn't get a lot of people boners is being like, You do need a retainer.

So don't forget to put the knife guard in because your teeth grind a lot.

Am I already in the grave and asking him out because he knows I wear a nightguard?

Olivia, go ahead. Wait, first of all, I just need to say this. Right before we started, Olivia said, Don't worry, I give great advice. I really do. Yes. And she's leaning in. Her body has changed. Her positioning has changed. She's ready. She's doing a lot of the... She's doing a lot of... I'm just like, Let's stop. Without even saying it, just so you know, Lanie, her vibe is a lot of child, please.

Am I out of line? Child, please. Yes. Well, I think there's a lot more that needs to happen before you ask them out. One, did you look them up?

Great question. Yeah, I looked them up. What did you find? I can't find him anywhere. Oh, not sus.

Sus. Maybe he got a lot of Riz. Really?

He's obviously got a lot of Riz.

Jake's just forcing Riz in where he can.

I only know two, sus and Riz.

So you couldn't find him anywhere?

No, I couldn't find him on any social.

Okay, that's not bad. Have you prank called the office?

You ask that like it's normal. Yeah, I know.

I'm like, What do you mean? Do you mean by prank call? Do you mean call?

Hi, I'm calling for so and so's wife. Are they around? He doesn't have a wife.

Wow, this is really good.

I think you've done this way too many times. This is great. That's how she got her husband. Yeah, right.

Wait, Laine, have you? Have you called the office? No.

The issue with that is whenever I call to do appointment, I don't know. Can you still start 67 people? Whenever I call to do appointments, they say, Hi, Delaney.

It's a cell phone era.

Because they know I think my number comes up. We have dated ourselves.

I don't know.

Can you call from a friend's phone? I know. You need to know if he's married before you ask him out.

I don't know if that's true. I know.

I think it's true.

He needs to know if he's married before he says yes.

He does. You're right.

If you're just the person interested, that's not your job to do all that homework, in my opinion.

But has there only been Did you have an encounter? Just that one in the mouth, head- There's been two appointments.

The way she says things is odd, no?

In the mouth, head.

I like it.

Just one real quick. Is it or is it just straight to the point?

Bam, bam, dental exam.

It's different.

Okay, there's been two exchanges between you guys?

Yeah. What else happened? What happened on the next one?

The second one, I could tell he didn't recognize me at first, but then his face lit up a little. Wait, he did recognize.

Did or did not? It took him a beat, and then he lit up.

Yeah, he didn't at first. Then he was like, Oh, how are you? I just saw your brother downtown, and I wanted to say hi to him, but I didn't know if it would be weird. You know what?

I was like, Oh, Here's what you've got. I don't know. What? You've got a great advantage that maybe we're not taking full. We're not using yet, which your brother- The brother? Your brother. Yeah.

I already asked them. They said no.

I agree because it's their profession. What do you mean?

They said no to what?

What did you ask? I'm getting in the middle of this thing. They're trying to sell equipment to them. They don't want to hook up their little sister.

Yeah, but you can easily be like, Oh, this one's great. By the way, it's a lot of stuff. Can your wife help you bring some of it into the house?

All we want to know is if he has a wife.

Yes. I don't think that's all we want to know.

I want to know how she is with the rejection. Laney?

Yeah. Laine, how are you with the rejection?

I can take it. That a girl. Okay, but I'm not scared of the rejection. I'm scared of the dentist appointment in the future being awkward. But there's other dentists. You know how dentistry is. You got a good dentists. You got to hang on to it.

Jake, you know how it is.

You know dentistry.

You know dentistry.

I like everything about you, Laney. Yeah.

You never tried to bang your dentists and come back from your cavity? Jesus Christ.

Laney, have you ever taken laughing gas?

No, she had something here. I know where she's going.

Okay, it's really a great time. I don't know if you guys have ever had it, but I have to get it to get any work done.

I've done it outside of the dentist's office many times.Me too.Much. Lots of whippets in the car. Yes, in high school, out of a balloon.

But hold on, Olivia.

Sorry, go. One of the last times I got work done, I got the laughing gas and I told the dentist, I really like coming here. Can I come here even when my work is done? And he giggled, and he was like, It's working, to his assistant. Basically, she's under the spell. I hear what you're saying. So my dear Laine.

Use the gun. Yeah, use the gas.

I get really, really nervous. I need something to take the edge off if I get any work done. And then once it kicks in….

You have a planned little monolog about, I don't even know what I'm saying.

I don't even know what I'm saying. I can't trust myself right now.

I've had a crush on you since the first moment I saw you. I want to go out with you.

Then you can blame it on the gas. Then you can blame it on the gas.

She starts spitting things out that are like….

You know what I mean? It could go sideways.

You're all I think about.

But hold on. You said before you give it good advice, I called you out, and you just gave good advice. Thank you. Because right now, I still think we're in this setup. But, Lanie, I think that's a real home run because if you go in and you're high, right? Yeah. And you go- Anything's excusable. Yes. And you go like this. Oh, my God. And you're keeping your fucking head on straight as hard as you can. And you go, When I walked in, I was expecting this old guy from my childhood, you're so fucking hot. The nurse will laugh and you'll go, I'm so fucking single and I would love to go out with you. And he goes, It's working. You go, Yeah, it's working. I'm being honest. Then he goes, Well, I'm not sure my wife would appreciate this. Then you could say afterwards, I'm so embarrassed, and he'll go, You are on laughing gas. Now you guys will have a sweet thing, but it's not weird. You do that sober, it's It's different. But we might be on to something here. No.

Or just go to your dentist completely fucked up.

Yeah, show up drunk.

No, we're not even going down the road of show up drunk.

Show up with a bloody Mary. Yeah. Look, let's get this over with. Where's Dr. Hot?

Because the beauty of that is if it goes-Put me in the fuck chair, Dr.

Hot.

Because the beauty of that is if it goes sideways, he goes, She came in blackout drunk and sexually harassed me. That's right. It's hilarious.

No. We don't want that.

Hold on. All right. Now you're being that dentist, Jake.

Hold on. The second appointment, we have not gotten the details of what happened. Oh, yeah. The first one, he's cute. He puts his fingers in your mouth. You like it.

The second appointment was that he saw your brother but didn't say anything.

But he lit up when he saw her. Lit up. And then what happened?

His face did do a little light up. He said he saw my brother, and he should have asked him to have a beer when they were downtown.

Yeah, so he's making the move.

Or he likes the guys.

Or he likes the beer.

Either way, your brother or him are getting banged like a cavity. Go, Jay.

No, but he's saying that so that you could be at that beer, right? Then he said- Why would you say to somebody- Wait, then he said what? So he said, I should have asked your brother for a beer, right?

Yeah. Then he said what? Then he said that... He said, Yeah, it seems like you have a really, really fun family.

There's something here.

I don't know if that meant anything.

I think- I don't know.

I know. I'm feeling vibe.

I'm feeling vibes, too.

How old is he?

Sixty-eight.

It is the childhood dental. It turns out it is.

At this point, we're going to say, All right, Wayney, Awesome. We never asked what Dr. Dirty John look like.

He's probably early 30s. Yeah, okay. There's a chance. I mean, if you go to the college in the dental school and stuff, mathematically, you got to be early 30s.

Yeah, I agree. You're not going to have an 18-year-old dentists unless it's a prodigy.

Also, though, can't you just ask the assistant? I would go to a Doogie house.

I just like thinking about the Doogie house you invented. My dream, honestly, this isn't a joke, is to find... Because I don't have a great doctor. I'm looking for a Doogie house. I got one. You do?

You want a teenager?

I want a fucking 17-year-old prodigy who goes like… Cancerous. That's fine. But only with the song. But I want that outside the box thinker, kid genius. I probably won't be in medicine in 10 years. I'm giving you 10 years of my life, man. Let's figure this out.

You have a point. It's a dream. Everyone has a dream.

My intuition is telling me for some reason he's taken. He's taken. But here's what I would want to know.

I mean, he's a hot Dennis.

You probably take it. But you miss every shot you don't take with him.

Yeah, you got to take the shot. But can you ask the assistant and say, Gosh, he really reminds me of someone. Is he married to... That's good.

But hold on. That is good.

Once again,.

But here's my question to you, Olivia. Yes. Why are We're not asking so many questions about this guy's life. All we want to do is ask him out.

Yeah, but I don't know. You're saying just go and be like, Are you married?

I would say- Ask him out.

You want another real reason? I do. Because I'm serious. I think I'm a little protective because I have a really hot husband who's a doctor, and I guarantee you on the daily, he walks in with his blue eyes and his gloves, and people are. I would not want women asking him out. Really? I would want them... No. I'd want them to have respect for the fact- You'd want him to say, I'm taken. Yeah, but I'd like to avoid it. I don't know. It feels like woman code in a way. If he has a wife, I don't find that really respectful.

I don't know. I don't want to be a home wrecker.

Hold on, lady. We're not talking about ruining a home.

He would be ruining the fucking home. That's why I said I might be a bit protected, but I'd rather know if I'm going to ask someone out that they're at least available.

Olivia says, Do a lot of homework before the test. No, she disagree.

I'm just taking it all in.

I would say, if you find this guy attractive and you know where he works-That sounds threatening.

Is that a No.

May is a long time for a fucking hot dentist. As Olivia knows, you got to get your teeth into this guy right away because there's a lot of people grabbing at him. You could wait until May. But guess what might happen in March? Dirty John might fall in love. And guess what? He might be right now available and looking.

Inside someone's mouth.

Right now, he's in some woman's mouth and she's going like, He's not bad looking. This doesn't feel terrible. Do I need to retain him? What I What I would say to you is you're not going to score unless you fucking shoot the ball. So get your ass there and ask his ass out. Or just find out if he's married. It's not necessarily asking him out, Olivia. But then find him out.

No, but her point was like, Don't.

But how? She googled him. She had to find out his name.

They said, Prank, call the office. No, but she also said she could be like, Does he go here? I thought I saw him with his wife the other day.

But who is this mythical person he's talking to? She's talking to?

It's a mistaken identity.

The receptionist. Hi. Welcome to blah, blah, blah dentistry. Hi, this is Laine. I have an appointment in May. No, for the- Did I see the dentist with his wife at a Rekabal Court? In January? I have no idea what the fuck you're talking about.

I will call him right now.

Oh, shit. I will call the office. Why can't we just call the office right now?

Stop for a second, Laine.

Laine, do you feel comfortable with Olivia calling?

We will beep out the name of the place, but can you give us the name of the dentist's office?

We'll beep in.

Yeah, let me.

This is great.

Then Kevin, how do we do this? Do you just want me to do the phone number?

We need to send people like you to watch. Laine, here's what's going to happen.

Here's what we're pitching to you. You're going to give us the name. Olivia is going to call in as somebody else, not you. Her goal is going to be to try to find out if the dentist is married. How she's going to do that?

We don't know. We don't know. But all we know... She doesn't even know, I think.

None of this will come back to you. There'll be no link to you, and we will beep out the name Except when the whole office listens to this podcast. Which could be helpful.

Well, it's America's... It's tied for it.

It's a two- You see, Rachel, honey, you're not supposed to say that. We're in the sales job. We're selling this woman.

They'll play it at their wedding.

They'll play it at their wedding. Now, ladies, is this something you're comfortable with?

Yeah. Do you want me to just give you the number?

Yes, we do. Hold on. How do we do it?

Save the number, I'll call it, and then put it on speakerphone and hand it over, and then just hold it near the mic.

Okay. Okay.

Can I help you?

Hi, this is Sandra, and I am calling to organize a thank you delivery for John and his wife. What is her first name?

I am not Sure.

I'm new here, so let me just put you on a brief hold, okay?

Okay, thank you so much.

Her name is.

Okay, thank you so much. And that's how it's done. Oh my God!

I'm I'm impressed.

That was fucking great. I'm floored. Olivia, how do you feel?

I'm floored right now.

I feel good. You must feel you for it. I feel really good.

That's like you just pulled off something major.

I knew it in my intuition. I knew he was married.

Holy shit.

Who the hell? Let's come up with ways where she can still ask him out. Laine.

Is that right? Laine? Thank you for the call. Yeah, Laine. Thank you.

This one's all- Now you can keep going to a dentist.

This is a game-changing moment.

He saved me.

She saved you. She taught us all. She humbled me.

Yes, very humbled.

Your early versions of how you're going to do this, you have far transcends. I am nervous around you. I'm impressed. I know.

I 30 years, and I'm like, I don't even know you.

That was great. That was great.

That That was master class.

That's Riz.

That's Riz. Thank you for the call, lady.

Thanks, lady.

All right, Jake Johnson, Gil Buchana.

We're back. We're talking about Rocket Money. Jake, Rocket Money. You know what it's like on your phone, you got a bunch of things you're paying for. You don't mean to be paying for them. You know what I'm talking about, Jake? Yes. Of course, you probably got some weird apps on there. People don't even know about some stuff that you probably don't want to share with people, and we're not going to make you. But what Rocket Money does is it finds these useless products, these useless apps, these things that you're paying for that you don't need to. It finds them and it puts them in a rocket ship and it blasts them out of your galaxy. I know for me, personally, there were a number of things, a number of subscriptions that I was paying for that I was going, Hey, Gil, what's going on? By the way, Alice is up my A a little bit going, Hey, Gil, we need more money for pot roast. We need more money for pot roast. I'm going, Alice, not now. Focus. There's a household budget and I'm trying to make ends meet as much as I can. I'm getting off topic.

You don't even need to say it, Jakey Jay. But Rocket Money is a personal finance app that finds and cancels your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and then helps lower your bills. Now, Jake, do you like high bills? I didn't think you did, buddy boy. Neither does Gilly B. Buchana. Rocket Money has over 5 million users and has helped it save members. Well, Gil, how about your tongue gets involved? Rocket Money has over 5 million users and has helped save its members an average of $720 a year with over $500 million in canceled subscriptions. Now, think about what I'm saying. And stop wasting money on things you don't use. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to rocketmoney. Com/help. That's rocketmoney. Com/help. Rocketmoney. Com/help. Jakey Johnson, Gil Buchana, Ones and Twos, 68 in BOLD.

Hi.

Hi there. How's it going?

Oh, good. How are you?

Oh, great. I hope you're excited. We got a bank for you. You're buckled in? I am. I'm super excited.

I guess so.

So are we. But it's not just Jake and I today, okay? You also have from the Broad Ideas podcast, you have Olivia Allen and Rachel Bilson. So we are guaranteed to solve this. Oh, we- Yeah, it's a big deal. So don't be nervous. Keep your problem where it was at, okay? But what is your name, age, roughly, where you're calling from, and then we'll get into it.

My name is Maggie. Hi, Maggie. I'm 35, and I'm calling from Dayton, Ohio.

It's cold right I just want to say I'm a big fan of the podcast and also a fan of nick Miller and Brian, the Security Guard.

We appreciate you.

I don't know if you finish New Girl, but Season 8, Brian, the Security Guard becomes a bit of a player. That's my character.

The whole show- Paul Blard?

Well, better than a Paul. He doesn't like to get Paul Blarded. That's not exactly the zone, Brian.

He was a co-star, and the show only went seven seasons. Maggie, keep going.

All right, Maggie. Dating funny bunch, been there a bunch. All right, Maggie, we're all having fun. Jake decided that some of the characters on New Girl aren't as important as the others. What's What's going on?

So I am a mom of two young kids. Congrats. My daughter is three and a half. She's my oldest. So my daughter is a big fan of… She's a big fan of mermaids. But it didn't occur to me. I thought it was a cute interest at first, but she actually thinks mermaids are real. And this came up, we were talking about it, and she asked where mermaids live, how do we go see mermaids. And I mentioned to her that they weren't They weren't actually real. Now, she didn't believe me. My husband, Kevin, thinks that we should just let her keep believing in mermaids. I talked to some of our friends, and they agree with him that we should just let her keep believing.

We're talking about a three and a half year old, correct? Yeah, that's young. Just to be clear, we're not talking about a 25 year old, a kid from your first marriage, right?

I think we know Jake's take.

Three and a half. Three and a half years old, yes.

Okay, so keep going. Some people are like, let her believe, but you have conviction that she should know the truth about the sea.

He's like, Good, good, gaga, and you're like, nothing's real. I want to see Easter Bunny. Well, it's fucking alive. Everybody dies. Everybody dies, including me. You love me so much. I won't be here forever. I'm deteriorating. And guess what, little girl? Same with you. You love your little brother? He's dead, too. Three and a half. You want to talk about mermids? Let me tell you about what's happening in the Middle East. Yeah. Can you keep going, Maggie? Sorry.

Okay. Something she could believe Actually, after talking with friends, I was like, Okay, maybe everyone's right because it seemed like everyone thought that I was wrong to tell her.

Just three and a half, I believe. Understood.

I get it. You're the only person who believes, Let's just be more honest with our kids. Is that correct? And your world is saying, What are you talking about?

I never thought about the whole The Mermeade talk before. When did this occur?

What's the line? Maggie, what's your stance on Santa? Do you tell her that a man comes down your chimney?

We do, and we do the whole The other thing. I plan on doing that for at least several years.

Sure. And what's your stance on tooth fairies? How are we living on tooth fairies?

This happened last night. I'd like to share.

One second, Maggie. Go ahead.

I was just going to say this- Olivia Allen brought ideas.

Keep going.

This just He came up in last night or this morning. My son lost his tooth, and he said to me this morning, Mom, are you the tooth fairy? He's eight. I don't like lying to him. We do the whole Santa thing. But instead of saying, No, I'm not the tooth fairy. There is no such thing as the tooth fairy. I said, Oh, my gosh. I wish. That would be so cool. I wish I was the tooth fairy.

That's a great answer.

This is the direction I went into and you teased me about, remember? This was the move I do. I do the same thing. Is it?

Yeah.

No, I liked it.

What's wrong with that move? Because I do my kids are 10.

Yeah, and they still believe.

Well, no, they'll go, Everybody at school has told us there's no Santa, and they cornered my wife and she admitted it. Oh, no. So They go, We want you to admit it. I go, I wish I could say that. Exactly. I don't know. They'll go, We know what you're doing. I'll go, I don't even know what I'm doing. Am I positive that there's a Santa? No. Am I positive there's not? No. Rachel, where do you stand on this?

On lying? Yeah. To my child? I do it daily.

I stand firm. You mean about Santa? I don't care shit. I told them the truth on that years ago.

I know. It's like, And you're going to die, just like you said.

So here's where the issue of this mermaid thing. Okay. Because I was all set to let her keep believing in mermaids. Because I even asked her, I found that she didn't believe me because I asked her, Do you think mermaids are real? And she says, Yes. And then she goes, I don't think fish are real.

Oh, wow. I like your kid.

I like your kid. That's a fun term. I love this.

We read this book at the library about this girl who doesn't know she's a mermaid until she goes swimming and her her legs get stuck together and eventually turn into a tail. And so we are getting ready to take a family trip to Florida. And a few days ago, she said that she was worried that when she goes swimming, her legs are going to get stuck together. This is where the mermaid issue comes in. I was all ready to have her believe, but now she's three, so it's hard to tell what's really going on in her head. She's three. But she said it seemed like she was worried about it.

Well, I'll tell you what, when you get to Florida, the problem is going to solve itself. We know Florida is going to answer a lot of these questions. But the one you're in right now, Maggie, is should you continue this belief that mermaids are real, or should you go with your conviction, apart from what the people in your life say, and tell her, Here's the truth, my little daughter. Mermaids are bullshit.

How do you know the truth? I'm with you. I really am.

I am, too. Have we been to the bottom of the ocean? Yeah.

Here we go.

There could be. There could be. I've never seen one.

Yes. No, true. We've never seen one.

But Maggie- You can say that. I've never seen one.

I've never seen a sasquatch, but Steve Berg started his podcast.

High strangeness. Maggie, is that the root of the question? What do I do now? I'm trying to figure out what we could specifically help you with because this doesn't seem like it's a picture. Your The question seems to be more, do I continue the lie or do I end the lie? Or am I phrasing that?

Do I continue letting her believe mermaids are real and worrying about things like her legs being stuck together? Or should I tell her they're not real?

All I would do is I would prep her for the reality that if she goes to Florida, her legs might not stick together. That doesn't necessarily mean anything, but don't be freaked out. We'll have a good trip either way. Then, yeah, I don't think you have to rip off the mermaid bandaid just yet.

No.

Rachel, where are you? I think three people on this podcast believe in the existence of mermaids, to be quite honest with you.

I still think I am one.

I choose to believe.

I choose to believe.

That's why I won't go to the ocean. Hold on, Rachel, what do you think?

She's so young, and I think it's part of the beauty of a young child is these beliefs in magic and whatnot. I would fully support that because guess what? There comes a time where they don't believe in shit anymore, and it's really depressing. I think you want to hold on to that a A little bit. I wouldn't worry so much about lying because you're not lying. You're supporting a child's imagination.

Yes, you're enabling fantasy, which is fine.

And fantasy is important.

Rachel finished. Is that where your is?

I think you support it. And if she's worried about her legs, it's like, well, it never happened to me.

Let's see what happens in Florida. But let's see what happens. If they turn into mermaid legs, we'll deal with it then.

And you buy her that mermaid fucking tail thing they can wear. A hundred %. She can pretend to be a mermaid and live out her dream. I like that a lot. You're supporting the love of her, love for a mermaid.

I think that's a really good idea, too. I think, probably not three and a half because they're still learning how to swim. We don't need to Houdini the legs just yet.

Don't tie them together.

Not yet. They have towels.

Yeah. But then you have towels.

My kids had those Merme tails. Yeah.

But eventually, you could get a Mermeid tail.

But they're fine.

But it's a different thing than the question because the question is, and I like where you're going with that, that is, do I continue the lie or not? The reality is in Florida, she's not going to turn into a fucking Mermeid, and then you're going to deal with it then. Olivia, what's your take? What's your gut feel?

I mean, listen, my son's going to be five next month, and I have to refer to him as Bumblebee from Transformers. Every time I do that, I'm not like, Hey, Bumblebee's not real. I'm like, Yeah, you're Bumblebee. You're supporting their creativity and their freedom, and I would just give her as much permission to play in that as possible and have fun with it.

Maggie, question to you here, because this seems pretty straightforward. What's your hesitation here, kid? You got a three and a half year old baby. Why are you trying to squash this? I'm a little lost.

I guess I think I'm starting to agree to let her believe that mermaids are real. The flip side of this is sometimes it's hard to tell if she's worried about turning into a mermaid or if she really wants to. I also don't want her to be disappointed if she wants to get her.

Olivia, brought ideas. Podcast. Jump in.

Kids are energetically connected to our fears. I think that if you continue to worry That's the smartest thing that's ever been said on this show. If you continue to worry.

Gareth is going to pitch, Dress up like a mermaid and tackler. I'm going to go, It's actually not bad.

Why don't you leave some salmon scales on the ground and say, One visited you.

What All you want to do is you want to eat 15 pounds of tuna. Yeah, it's tuna. There you go. All right, so keep going.

More is caught than taught. Our children catch more of what we do than what we teach them. The more you worry about this being a thing, the more she'll worry about having a tail or not having a tail. Really, the most important part is you handling your relationship to it.

Then really quickly for our audience, Gareth, can you explain what that means more is taught than caught?

It's great. What Olivia is pitching here, and I like it, is when you're in Florida, go on a fishing journey and hire someone to get caught in the net because what's caught is taught. Then when you have a mermaid in the net, you bring it on the boat, you whack it over the head, and you say, You did this, you did this.

Then you throw it back in. That could be a buzzer.

That could be an aunt. That could be a cousin. That could be an aunt. Taught, yeah. Yeah, make sure the net is caught. That could be somebody- Otherwise, that little mermaid is going to try to get out.

Look, down in Florida, you can go to a lot of different clubs and hire a lady to do that.

Then later that night, order Mahi Mahi for the table and let your daughter know you're eating mermaid.

But or order a bunch of and say, Mermaids don't use forks and knives. Eat what you're facing, a little mermaid.

Or just let her listen to this episode of a podcast.

Or order fish and be like, You are a mermaid. You're practicing cannibalism.

Then when she says, I want cheese, you go like this, Mermaids don't eat that. You know what you could do? She wouldn't pretend she's a mermaid, but say, Mermaids need to have little gummy vitamins, and broccoli. And then go, Here's the thing, little mermaids can't eat gummy bears until she goes, Well, I don't want to be a mermaid, and you go like this. So are you officially not a mermaid? Because if If you want grilled cheese, you can't be a mermaid. And she'll go, I'm not a mermaid. You go, Thank God. Then let's go get some fries.

It works both ways.

So you can do that or you can do Olivia's advice. I think you have two great routes here.

Maggie, what do you think you're going to do here?

That's a tough one. I think I'm going to go with just going with the flow, letting her believe in mermaids. When we get to Florida, seeing where it goes, not trying to correct her.

Sorry. Just so we're clear, you are hiring the Mermade.

She said it's a tough one. She's not sure yet.

I wrote all that down.

Hire a Mermade. By the way, if you get there and she's like, Where are the Mermades? Blame it on DeSantis. He's outlawing so much stuff. Be like, He got rid of Mermades two years ago.

That's true. Maggie, They offended him.

He got rid of them.

In closing, you're going to take this one day by day and see what happens in Florida. That's the end of this?

Yes. Wait, I don't understand what's tough.

Can Olivia call you with a problem your problem? Is that possible?

Olivia, in closing, what do you say here?

I say, well, because you guys pitched a really extravagant plan, and then you said, What are you going to do? I gave her a really clear marching order to look at her own fears and worries and then model that for her child. She said, I don't know what to talk about.

Well, that's because she's one of our listeners.

Okay. Maggie Sablin. Maybe you should listen to Broad Ideas. We can help you.

Maggie, also listen to Broad Ideas and then come back here. But this is for sure, Maggie, one of ours.

But it sounds like, Maggie, you're leaning in the Olivia direction.

But she doesn't know because guess what?

Yeah, I just want to be clear. I'm good at this. Go with the flow. Let her keep believing in Merme. I got it.

But if things go sideways down there and she's crying, hire a lady, put her on a boat, fake catcher, clubber.

I'll come down there. I'll wear a wig. I'll shave my chest. I'll put some shells on. I'll look into that.

You got two great- Not like you're getting her at all. Oh, no.

Scare her out of the way. I don't want to be a mermaid anymore.

It looks like that man. Hello. You want to be a mermaid? That's what happens when you hit your 40s. Hello. Oh, my God. I want to be a mermaid like in Disney. Aren't that great? You want real life? This is what happens to mermaids? I'm dating an octupus. You know what we'll do, Maggie? Gareth and I will show up, real half-cocked on alcohol, smoking cigarettes, and we'll let her know this is what happens to little girls when they become adult mermaids.

Or what we could do is we could show up at the bar and look like a couple of mariners. We could be talking about exchange mer maid tales at the bar, drinking fruity cocktails.

We're going to do that, but we're going to keep the three and a half year old away from us. Maggie, we appreciate the call. Rachel and Olivia, thank you guys for coming. Thank you, guys.

Thank you.

Oh, my God. Wow. We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson.

And Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt, and the associate producer and editor is AJ McKee. Our social media director is Kaitlyn Tanwaquio, and our video editor is John De Bruyne.

The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh, and you could check out his music at Oliverrali. Com. That's Oliver-R-A-L-L-I.

Com. The album artwork is by James Fostyke. You can find him on Instagram at james_fostyke, D-I-K-E. If you'd like to see me do standup on the road, go to garethreindels. Com.

If you'd like to be on the show, email us your question at helpfulpod@gmail. Com.

All of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.