Wndri Plus subscribers can listen to Armchair Expert early and ad-free right now. Join WNDRI Plus in the WNDRI app or on Apple podcast, or you can listen for free wherever you get your podcast. Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Buck Rogers, and I'm joined by first captain, Monica Padman. I made it first captain because it's airplanes.

Oh, that makes sense.

Yeah. And that was the only word I could think of in the airplane world.

I think everyone can listen to this one. I mean, look. Yeah. I mean, it's scary. If you have a fear of flying, you might not want to listen. Yeah.

And there's Poody. But I think we don't warn about Poody, right? Yeah, no. There's no way you could have a trigger of poody and listen to Armshare anonymous. I don't think so. At this point, right?

I really don't think so.

Okay, yeah, this is okay to listen to. Please enjoy Crazy Airplane Stories. All times, come and go.

Good times, take them slow.

My life, I had them both.

But for one thing, you got to know.

I'm going to keep on shining. Hi.

Hi. Is this Shivanee? Oh my God.

It is. How are you? I'm so excited to be talking to you all.

Us too. Monica forgot that she wears headphones.

I did. I'm so sorry. I got so disoriented.

Is that a dog bridal hanging off the doorknob or a bra?

A bathing suit. Yeah, a little bit of both. I'm at a cottage about two hours north from Toronto, so I just got out of the lake.

On Mascoka?

Yes, Mascoka. Yes.

Wonderful. Oh, my God. What a fun summer you're having.

It is a very fun summer.

Have you been in the lake a bunch in boating? Yes.

Can't get me out of the lake.

Now we're talking, girl.

Do you know how to swim? I'm a very poor swimmer, so people do worry about me when I swim, but I love to do it.

Oh, good for you.

Good that you're scaring everyone as you swim. You and Monica should start like, synchronize swimming or something.

We should in like the really kiddie pool.

Yeah, I'll do that with you.

And people will be watching so nervous. It's a high dive, like a high wire routine, even though it's very- Like a platform dive. Yes, even though it's very simple.

Like the Olympic diving team, but it's just us like, flashing around.

Yeah, exactly. For people who can't swim. Okay, but alas, you have an airplane story. I do. It's a bit of related. There's a lot of sea planes flying in and out of Mascogas.

That's true. And this took place on a flight into Canada. So it's all a little bit related. I actually live in New York, but I'm a dual citizen, which is why I'm here. So this story starts out in New York City. It was January 2020. So right before everything was about to go to shit, we had no idea.

You were probably on the plane with an early COVID person and didn't know it.

Oh my God. I'm one of those people who I'm like, I had it at that time. I had such a horrible cough. Of course, I can never prove it. But yeah, so I might the person on the plane with it. Yeah. I was already having the most horrible day. A cat had spilled a glass of water on my computer, and so it wasn't working.

On the plane?

This is leading up to the plane. No cat airlines. That'd be crazy. I kept trying to buy a new laptop. My card kept declining because I thought it was fraud. I literally called my mom and I said, something horrible is going to happen on this flight because that's how bad my day has been. I don't know if I manifested it or if I was having a psychic moment. Neither is a good option. I When we go to the airport. It's a flight from New York City to Ottawa, Ontario, which is about an hour. We're about 50 minutes into the flight. Everything has been smooth sailing, totally good. And then suddenly the flight attendant gets over the loudspeaker, but it's so choppy. You can't hear barely anything. I just hear the words emergency landing, loss of air pressure going down.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my Lord. Right when she says that, the plane literally dives down and is also shaking side to side. I get whipped to the side, which I later found out caused me to break two ribs on the arm rest of the plane. I broke a nail, which was obviously much less significant, but still notable.

But real quick, was this a big airplane Or was this more one of those commuter propeller, smaller planes?

It was two seats on each side and then maybe 12 rows or something.

Yes. One that's likely to go down.

Right. More likely. I've flown a lot in my life, and I also have really bad flight anxiety, but I'm usually able to talk myself down or distract myself. But this was the first time that I truly was like, I have to start drafting text messages, saying goodbye to my loved ones. I literally wrote a text to my mom. I wrote a text to my best friend because we're literally plummeting down and nobody's saying anything. We're just staring out. It's foggy, it's dark. You can't see a single thing. So after about five minutes, that felt like 25 years, the pilot gets on over the loudspeaker and they are clear as day, thank God. And they They say, We tried to land in Ottawa. It didn't work. So we have to emergency land in Burlington, but everything's fine. We're fine, and we're going to land safely. We're just going to go to Burlington. And for a little bit of Canadian geography, Burlington, Ontario, is about 30 minutes outside of Toronto. So people on the plane start to make plans, and they're like, Okay, you know what? We can easily get to Toronto, Pearson, get on another flight to Ottawa, still get there tonight.

This isn't the worst thing in the world. We finally land, and everyone's just like, Thank God we're not dead. But then they over the loudspeaker and they say, Welcome to Burlington, Vermont. Everyone on the plane is like, Oh, fuck. Oh, no. So not only are we now in a different country than we intended to land on, they tell us that we actually can't disembark from the plane because we flew into Canadian airspace, which means that we now need to go through customs. But because the Burlington airport is teeny tiny, the airport was closed, locked down, lights off. So not only did they have to get airplane staff to come unlock the airport, they also needed to wake up all the customs people, change from their pajamas, and get back to the airport. It's about 12:30 AM at this point. So we end up having to sit on this tiny plane where we've all almost died together for, I want to say, an hour and a half, two hours. So they finally let us off. We have to go through customs, but they're just asking the basic custom questions like, what did you purchase while you were in Canada?

Are you bringing anything back? And it's like, we were in the sky I crash landing. Nobody did any business while they were in Canada. We finally get to go through and they ship us off to various hotels. I get to go to the Windjammer Hotel, which looks like a log cabin. Could have been fun on a different occasion, but I was like, I just wanted a nice hotel if I was going to have to stay the night in Burlington, Vermont. And they tell us, We're going to send a shuttle back to the hotel at 9:00 AM. Your flight will depart at 10:00 AM. Burlington, Vermont is even closer. So now it's literally a 25-minute flight. So I get maybe four hours of sleep, get back on, get to the airport. The airport is also only open for us. No flights were scheduled to leave that Saturday. We're sitting in the terminal for three hours. They're not telling us anything. Finally, they come on the loudspeaker and they say, The pilot overslept, and so he's not coming.

Oh, he's not coming.

Yeah. I don't understand that whole, they time out. It was one of those situations. So they're like, He's not coming. So now we have to call every pilot in Burlington and see who wants to take this flight. Another hour passes. They find a pilot. Finally, we board the plane.

He sobers up. They pull him out of a bar.

I'm sure that's what it was. He got a little too excited at the Windjammer hotel bar. They get us on the plane. Then they have to get the customs people to come on, check the manifest, and check all of our names to make sure we all boarded on the flight because since we've been in Canadian airspace, not going back would have meant we were like, Stowaways or something. So they're going through the list. They cannot find one guy. They keep recounting as if that's going to change the outcome of when this guy is here. At some point, the flight attendant just goes, We've all had a really long 24 hours and just pulls out the bucket of alcohol on the flight. And it's like, Anyone take whatever they want. So I'm chugging mini bottles of Chardonnay.

Good and bad idea. I don't know if adding drunkenness to this scenario is going to make anyone behave better.

But at least people feel seen.

Sure, sure, sure, sure.

Which is a huge deal.

We felt like we were getting at least a little bit of a reward. I also feel like most of the people on the flight were Canadian, and so they probably would have just gotten more happy with some alcohol. I'm having my Chardonnay. Finally, we take off. We get to Ottawa 25 minutes later, and basically it's been a 24-hour ordeal. I've come out with a $250 bill from the Windjammer Hotel, two broken ribs.

They charge you?

Yeah. And $250. I would have liked to spend that at a different hotel in a different city.

Sure, sure, sure. Not the Windjammer. For four hours.

What the fuck? So came away with that broken ribs. Had to get my manicure fixed, but I survived. And so I guess that's the part of the story, but it was definitely the most unpleasant flight experience I've ever had.

Did you submit your doctor bills? Is there any effort made to make everything good with you guys or no?

No, because it was like it fell under the act of God category. Basically, that means they don't have to compensate you for anything. That's insane. They're like, not our fault.

Lower ribs, I guess?

Yeah, lower ribs. I mean, it's not the worst thing in the world. It just meant I couldn't work out for a little bit. I was uncomfortable sitting most of the time.

Ribs is terrible. Your breathing hurts.

And because I had that crazy cough that I suspected was COVID, it also didn't make it feel better because I was like, hacking. Oh, no.

Sure. Did they ever explain what happened to the aircraft that caused the emergency landing?

This is my armchair theory, I will say, because I was going to fly to visit my dad, and so he was tracking my flight because we just went off the grid for half an hour. And so he was worried. But he was saying every other flight was landing in Ottawa. It wasn't like there was actually some big weather problem. So I think it might just not have been a very good pilot. I think she tried and things didn't go well. She was tired.

She needed to sleep. Well, she got her sleep.

She got a big sleep. But I don't know the reasoning. And people were generally pretty chill about it. Nobody caused a fuss, but it was definitely unpleasant.

They couldn't have had any customs workers at the Burlington, Vermont airport. It's not an international airport under normal circumstances, right?

I think it technically is because they have one flight every other day to Montreal.

Oh, okay. Last question. When planes get crazy in movies, everyone screams, but it sounds like everyone got really calm.

I don't know calm, but everyone got very quiet. I feel like you almost have to keep to yourself to be like, this isn't happening, this isn't happening. Whereas if you start to talk to people, I was also traveling alone, so I don't know people who are in couples or in families, but it sounded very quiet. And I think everyone was just like, pretend it's not happening, pretend it's not happening.

I do not like that. 2020 was not a good year.

It was wild. I think maybe my bad energy is the whole thing. That one flight was a butterfly effect.

When you told your mom, this is going to be a bad flight, your computer had already been ruined. I, too, have had a couple of things go wrong, I think we've even been traveling at some point, I'll get weird, where I'm like, God, I keep getting signal after signal. I'm forcing myself to make this flight, or I'm forcing this situation. That's the only time I get really spoofed. I'm like, Am I ignoring these signals?

I feel bad because I've done it a few times where I've canceled flights really last minute because I'm like- Because of that feeling? Well, it's like, I don't feel that good. Maybe it's the world trying to tell me not to fly. I've done it a couple of times, which that's bad, too.

Yeah, you've been answering that call and responding, I haven't, and we're both alive. Right.

So we learn nothing.

And you're alive, too.

Yeah, we are all alive. I think it's that weird thing where it's like anxiety versus intuition. Hard to know. Probably a bit of both.

We were one time in Chicago. We went to the wrong airport, maybe, and we were fucking racing. I remember to go to Minnesota. And I was driving down all these arterial roads at a million miles an hour to get us there. Midway Airport. Yeah. And I was like, Am I supposed to just accept the will of God right now?

But that and then we had shows. We had shows.

We had to die, even if we knew we were going to die.

You guys are dedicated to your craft. I appreciate it.

Well, thank you so much.

Well, Shivanh, it's lovely meeting you.

Thanks so much. And I know everyone says this, but I've been listening since the very beginning. I loved Parenthood. My mom, who's actually been sitting listening in.

Hi, mom.

We watch Parenthood together every single week when I was younger. So you're a big part of our lives.

Well, tell her Crosby says, Hi, and I love you.

Crosby says, Hi.

Oh, my God. All right. Well, wonderful meeting you. And thanks so much for telling us that story. Enjoy, Mascoka, you brat. I'm so jealous. Brat summer. All right. Bye. Hi. Oh, hi.

Hello.

Where are you, Aubrey?

I'm in San Francisco.

Oh, wonderful. And are you a native to San Francisco?

I'm from Palo Alto and then moved to San Francisco. Okay.

Do you love it?

I love it. I was in LA for college and couldn't get out of LA quick enough. So I turned it back up to the Bay.

What college did you go to? Usc. Oh, sure. Trojan.

Yeah, fight on. We're enemies.

You guys are big enemies. We're enemies.

Frenemies. Frenemies.

Can you tell us what you do in San Francisco?

I do commercial real estate.

That seems like a good place to do it. Pretty pricey up there.

Yeah, exactly.

Okay, so you have a crazy airplane story.

I do have a crazy airplane story. My fiance, boyfriend at the time, and I were at a wedding in Seattle, and we're on a Sunday night, 08:00 PM flight. It was a smaller airport. It was Painfield. So 30 minutes Before we're boarding, he gets a text on his phone that he's been upgraded to first class seat 1A. And he's like, You take it, and we're being polite. And I'm like, No, you take it. I end up boarding the plane first to make sure he takes that seat. So don't come for him when I say he was in seat 1A and I was in the second to last row of the plane.

I'm not going to come for him because this has happened to me, and I go, I'm so much bigger than you. It makes sense for me. So I've been very selfish.

That's bad what you did, Dax. This guy seems Nice.

He's really trying to give you the seat. He's a much better person than me. I leverage my size in this situation to get the seat. So he's better than me.

I'll remember that.

Thirty minutes into the flight, everything's totally normal. We're in the air, and the flight attendant gets on the PA system. And I've never heard a flight attendant so frantic in her life. She says, We have an emergency situation. Everyone prepare for an emergency landing. And I just feel the plane just turn and dart down. And I saw my life flash before my eyes. I was like, We're going down. This was right at the beginning of everything happening in the Middle East. I was like, There's an attack. And my boyfriend is at the front of the plane, and I'm going to die alone back here.

How big of a plane was it?

It was a big plane, two by two, and then he was sitting alone.

Okay, so one seat on the left in first.

Yeah, not small. And completely full. So she gets on and we don't hear from her again for 20 minutes. But it was so frantic that I was like, Something is terribly wrong right now. This is how I go. I'm texting my boyfriend and I'm like, What the hell is happening? This is the end. Are you okay? And He's not replying to me. I start gaslighting myself. I'm like, Maybe I'm dramatic. I'm on the verge of a panic attack, and I'm doing breathing exercises, and I see this guy walking from the cockpit to the back of the plane. The flight attendant made it pretty clear we need to be our seats right now. Everyone around me is pretty quiet, but I'm fully turned around in my seat watching this guy interact with the flight attendant. She zip ties him. What? He's hysterically crying. She's talking him like, We're going to get you down. I'm feeling like an asshole. I'm like, Oh, God, maybe something happened with this guy. She gets back on the PA system and she's like, We have a medical emergency. It's just for one passenger. Everything's going to be okay. But you can still hear she's terrified in her voice.

Oh, my Lord. I can't gage what's happening, but as we're about to touch down, I get a text back from my boyfriend, and he's like, Wait, where are we? And I was like, Bro.

He was alcohol?

He was asleep the entire time.

Good for him.

We touch down, the doors open, and five cops, fully armed, rush onto the plane and sprint to the back where I'm sitting and escort this guy who just looks dead in the eyes off the plane.

Oh my God.

Same guy that got handcuffed? Yeah.

So he I was by you this whole time.

Yeah, I was peeping. I was getting all the teeth. That's when the whispers start and we're like, What happened? He had the employee badges on, so he worked for the airline, which is why when he was out of his seat, I was like, Maybe he's allowed to be. At that point, it's midnight. We need to get on another flight.

Well, really quick, did you land at the airport you were destined for, or have you stopped short of there?

We were in Oregon. We were supposed to be in San Francisco.

Okay.

We get off, and my teeth are fully chattering. I'm not recovered from the situation. My boyfriend, who was asleep at the time, was just holding me while I was perfusely shaking. I was like, Sorry if I'm being dramatic. I just feel like that could have gone really badly. I don't know what happened. They book us on the next flight, the new flight attendants trying to get the scoop from us. She's like, I heard he might have had a knife. Rumors were flying, and she was like, I don't know what I would have done in that situation. We're like, Ma'am, that's your job. You're supposed to know what to do in that situation. We land in San Francisco. It's 2:00 AM. We're delirious. We go to bed, and we wake up to 30 text messages from our friends and family to this news article, and the headline says, Off-Duty Pilot Charged with 83 counts of attempted murder. What? This pilot who was off-duty, hitching a ride from Seattle to San Francisco, was sitting in the jump seat. He had taken shrooms two days prior and never snapped out of it. What? He thought he was having a bad dream, and he reached for the emergency levers, which shut off the plane entirely.

Oh, my goodness. What?

So he successfully pulled them. What you have to do is pull and then twist. But the two pilots flying the plane managed to wrestle him and push them back in so that the engine didn't entirely shut off.

And your boyfriend was front row to all this and missed it.

Thank you for recognizing realizing that.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, he missed a scuffle. And it was a big scuffle because we lost 15,000 feet of altitude during the scuffle. Oh, my God. And he was asleep with his noise canceling headphones and missed the entire thing.

Oh, my Lord. And so I'm assuming the pilots helped restrain him while the flight attendant put the cuffs on?

No. So the flight attendants were in the back of the plane. The pilots fully wrestled him, like full MMA match in the cockpit, pushed him out, locked the door behind him, and then he snapped into it, I guess, and walked himself all the way to the back of the plane and told the flight attendant, If you don't zip time me right now, this is going to be really bad.

Oh my. Because she was saying to him, Don't worry, right? We're going to get you. We're going to get you help. You'll be safe. Yeah.

That's how we survived an attempted hijacking.

Well, by a delusional... The shrooms part of the story does not make sense to me. I don't like that. I don't know if he's using that as some reason, but there's no way shrooms are lasting for two days.

That feels crazy.

Yeah, there's got to be something else going on. He must have just done the shrooms. Yeah, and said they were from two days ago. I don't know. I took them two days ago. Yeah.

He's still a pilot. He's not supposed to be taking shrooms at all.

That's so scary that that person flies planes.

That's not to think about that aspect. But I wonder what happened because there's no way it's going to hold up to charge him with the attempted murder of 35 people. 83. 83, sorry. Did you ever get any updates beyond that of what ended up happening?

Yeah. I mean, we were contacted by the FBI. We were supposed to be part of a lawsuit. We were on CNN at one point. It was a whole thing. And where's the guy at now? He's home. I guess they validated his Shroom story. I mean, the poor guy, he has a family and all that.

I'm happy that he told them to restrain him. He knew enough to know somebody has to stop me.

After he got beat up by the pilots. I hate hearing a story like that. It's a very '80s propaganda show. Drug war. Yeah, someone taking acid and trying to fly. I know. It is that. I guess it does happen. Or maybe he had way more stuff going on. I don't know.

Oh, my God. Also, why do they let him up? He should just sit in the regular seats.

Well, I think they changed that whole law, and now they don't have off-duty people in the cockpit.

Oh, man, that's a crazy story.

That's my dream, of course. Okay, I'll knock on wood. I just hope I get called on to restrain somebody that's a threat. I don't want anyone to be in danger, but if someone has to be in danger, I want to be a part of that team that takes them down. Okay.

I learned that I was no use in a terrorist situation.

Yeah, maybe it was a blessing that your boyfriend fell asleep because maybe he wouldn't have responded. Then he would have felt guilty that he wasn't in the mix. Who knows?

Can I bring him in to say hi?

Yeah, sure. Hey. Well, I can't believe you missed such an exciting thing. I know.

I was having great dreams.

Were you also on Shrooms? I played the fifth on that one.

Now, let me ask you this. Had you been awake and you saw the scuffle, would your instinct have been to ignore it or get involved?

I'd like to think, like you, Dax, I would jump in there and do something, maybe even fly the plane if I could.

Yes, ideally.

I might have just watched it go down.

You never know.

Hard to know until you're in this situation. Until you're awake.

I have a little fun fact. I've actually been in your attic before.

How? What? That's scary.

Yeah, when you were sleeping. I work for Dr. Michael Gervais, and then when you had Pete Carroll on, I came in and took photos.

No way. That was a very fun episode. I remember it well.

So fun. How crazy. You should have saved that for the prompt.

You could actually give us behind the scenes because my theory on that interview is that Pete Carroll was being told the whole time, You should go do this. And he was like, What the fuck is this? And then he got here. And he's like, Oh, my God, what is this? Someone's addict. And then about midway through, he started really enjoying it. I count him as one of the people we won over. But I do think leading up to it, he was like, What the fuck is this?

He had a preseason game like two hours after. He was probably like, What is going on? I'm in an attic.

I can't blame him, but he was great. Well, nice meeting both of you, and I'm glad you survived.Thank you.Thank you. All right, we'll be well, everyone. Have a great rest of your day. Fly next to each other in the future. That's what we learned. We do now.

No more headphones.

Be on high alert. All right, take care.

Thanks, guys.

You really cock-blocked a joke.

Oh, I'm sorry. Okay. What were you going to say?

Say it now. I started to say you should have saved it for the prompt, and then you started talking. But the rest of sentence was, Tell us about a time you were in our attic.

That would be a scary prompt. Let's talk to Neil. Maybe you'll remember. Neil? My brother? Neil, your brother's on.

This is Neil P.

Does it really? No. Oh, my God. Is this the time where he accidentally snuck in a box cutter?

Oh, that could be one. He could be the problem. Yep.

Hi. Hey, back to Monica. It's so great to meet you guys.

Yes. How are you, Neil? I'm great. Wonderful.

Where are you? Atlanta. What part? In Decatur. So like 15 minutes east of downtown.

It's turned into such a cool spot.

It's very cool. Really nice restaurant.

And did you grow up in Decatur?

I grew up in East Point, which is south, and it's a rough area, and moved to Decatur when I went to school.

Okay.

What high school?

I went to all Catholic high school. So I was raised Catholic, hard core. Not Catholic anymore, of course, but I feel like everyone goes through Catholic school, and then they realize how crazy it is.

Are you Italian? Italian. Italian style. Yeah, absolutely. Okay, so Neil, you have a crazy airplane story. Yeah.

So it actually happened about nine years ago. My wife was about to have our first kid. She would do a week later.

Oh, wow. You're not supposed to be flying, right?

You were cutting it close.

Yeah, exactly. But it was a work trip, and my boss, basically, he's a Narcissist. He's just an absolute crazy person. When you have crazy bosses, next, I'll apply for that one.

That's a good idea. That's a great prompt.

We were going to fly in to Pennsylvania. He's a pilot. So we were in a private plane. I don't know if you know it's your style plane. It's like a single crop. And so we're going to see this client about vanilla. We were in the vanilla business.

Oh, interesting. Vanilla extract?

We imported vanilla from Madagascar. I was a purchaser. And so I spent a lot of time in Madagascar. So we were going to visit a client that buys the beans from us, and they extract it.

That sounds tasty.

Yeah, really quick, because I'm curious. So I wouldn't have even known that. So vanilla is a bean, and you would travel around Madagascar in search of the most delicious vanilla. And then how do you qualify it? How do you tell if it's good or not? Do you smell it or you crush it up and eat it? What do you do?

When I would go to Madagascar, the main thing was to protect our money. Honestly, that's the main goal because you have to pay hundreds and hundreds of dollars in advance, and you're there to watch the guys make sure they don't steal all your money. I know a lot about vanilla, but your guys on the ground are the ones that are qualifying everything. Got it. Really, vanilla extract is actually the shittiest beam. It's the industrial grade.

Oh, so is there really high-end, beautiful vanilla we're not getting? Yes.

Four made beans are what your chefs are using to make creme de lait. That's the greatest. And that's when they're scraping the seeds out of the vanilla beans and putting it in the actual dish. That's the premium stuff.

Okay. I want ice cream.

You want ice cream now? Yeah. Okay. I want bananas foster. Would that work? Yeah.

But yeah, so we were flying from Atlanta to Pennsylvania. The trip didn't start out good because the console in the middle is missing. My boss's name is Rich. I'm like, Rich, where's the computer? And he's like, Oh, don't worry, it's getting repaired.

Oh, my God.

But he liked that. He does have the other instruments, the manual instruments. I'm already a little scared. I've been with him flying before, so it's not like my first time. And then we take off, and right away, I hear this really loud noise. And I'm like, What is that noise? And he's like, Shit, the door's open.

To the plate? Rich. What the fuck? Come on, dude.

What's up, guys? It's your girl, Keke, and my podcast is back with a new season. And let me tell you, it's too good. And I'm diving into the brains of entertainment's best and brightest, okay? Every episode, I bring on a friend and have a real conversation. And I don't mean just friends. I mean the likes of Amy Poehler, Keel Mitchell, Vivika Fox. The list goes on. So follow, watch, and listen to Baby, this is Keke Palmer on the WNDYRI app or wherever you get your podcast. We've all been there, turning to the internet to self-diagnose our inexplicable pains, debilitating body aches, sudden fevers, and strange rashes.

Though our minds tend to spiral to worst-case scenarios, it's usually nothing.

But for an unlucky few, these unsuspecting symptoms can start the clock ticking on a terrifying medical mystery. Like the unexplainable death of a retired firefighter whose body was found at home by his son, except it looked like he had been cremated, or the time when an entire town started jumping from buildings and seeing tigers on their ceilings. Hey, listeners, it's Mr. Balin here, and I'm here to I'll tell you about my podcast. It's called Mr. Balin's Medical mysteries. Each terrifying true story will be sure to keep you up at night. Follow Mr. Balin's Medical mysteries wherever you get your podcasts. Prime members can listen early and ad-free on Amazon Music. Is it just you and Rich on this point? It's just me and Rich. Fuck this. Okay.

He's Okay, we got to land and close the door. I'm like, Okay, great. I'd love to close the door. So we land, close the door, we take off again. About 30 minutes, passes, we're flying. I'm trying to calm myself down. And so I'm like, Hey, man, you want to put some music on? I got the new Mom, Bird, and Son's album. It's really good. And he's like, Yeah, we start playing it. I know Rich really well. It's a very interesting relationship with him. I hate him to death, but it's also like he's my father figure thing. My dad died when I was young. It's a complicated a relationship. So he knows my body language. He's like, You okay, man? And I'm like, No, I'm really nervous. And he's like, Just watch this gage. As long as it doesn't go below this level, we're good. Oh, my God. So I'm just watching the gage. Fifteen more minutes goes by, and then all of a sudden, the gage goes below whatever it is, 20, I think. And I'm like, Rich. Then all of a sudden, he's doing something in his head, trying to figure out what's going on.

I learned later that he's got these steps to follow when you have an issue. And at the same time, you start to hear the engine You know when a lawn mower runs out of gas, it's like,.

Fuel starvation, yeah.

And then it just dies.

Oh, the engine quits.

It's okay because this is a glide plane. We're not just crashing. He can land.

So You mean he can find some nice stretch of something? Right.

I don't really know all this at the time, but later, he's like, It's a glide plane. We're going to land. So he's calming me down. We're not screaming. I'm a silent panic thing. We're now over the Appalachian Mountains in North Carolina. He When it's a small airport in the middle of the mountain. This is the one time where it gets panicky. He's like, Neil, where's the airport? I need you to look for it. And I'm like, Okay, I don't see it. He's like, Look for the airport.

I'm like, I don't see it. Oh, my God.

There it is. And I'm like, Okay, So then we just circling and circling. And the most emotional I got was my son is about to be born. The thought in my head was like, fuck, my son is going to be brought up without a dad. And that was the thing that hurt the most.

Well, And you just said your dad died when you were young. You're having a kid to heal this thing, and now you're doing the same thing.

Exactly. Anyways, we start going down and down. And as we get closer, the wind is super strong. The plane is going sideways, back and forth, and it's pushing us down. And we don't have an engine, right? There's no throttle. There's nothing to get us back in the air. And the way the runway is on a plateau, and then as you're coming in, it's like a valley below it. So if you don't have enough altitude, the plane is going to run straight into the side of the mountain. So as we're getting closer and closer, Rich starts to get a little panicky. And eventually, he says, Neil, we're going to have to pull this shoot.

Oh, my goodness.

What's amazing about this airplane is it has a parachute. He pulls this thing, like an explosion, goes off. You could feel it catch you. And then all of a sudden, the plane starts to tilt forward. And I didn't know this at the time, so I'm thinking we're dying. But apparently, it's supposed to land with the nose first. Because that takes the brunt of the impact.

You're just watching the ground come closer at you.

We hit the ground, and it literally just lands right on the landing gear. Really? Like, nothing happened. We got out of the plane. I just screamed like a monkey in the middle of a horse pasture. It's a beautiful day.

We are in Appalachia. It's gorgeous. How far away are you from the airport?

We were pretty close after they picked us out. It was a 10-minute drive.

I wonder how frequently planes land in this farmer's pasture. I know.

That was it. My son was born a week later, and I named him after my dad.

Really quick, did that slow Rich's aviation dreams down at all, or was he right back up in the skies?

Bro, he wanted to fly home. Yeah. That's the person he is. And I said, Fuck you. So fuck that. Go ahead. I'm driving home. He's like, Neil, you're an idiot. It's still more dangerous to go in a car.

I don't know.

I mean, it is a little bit like get back on that horse. If you're him. If you're into flying a plane, which I can't relate to on any level. But I guess if that is something you like doing, you probably do have to do it quickly or you'll probably never do it again.

I got to tread lightly here because there's a lot of amateur pilots, and they do a great job, and I don't want to offend anyone. But yeah, I've had some friends that fly in. They're like, Come up. And I'm like, Absolutely not. I want to be with the person who flew in the military 20,000 hours, then flew commercially for another 40,000 hours. I don't need someone an hour, 250, dealing with the engine going out. I've been with friends who are pilots, and I watch them go through the checklist. And clearly, shut the door is got to be really high up on the list. So you got to wonder if Rich missed that one. What other part of the checklist did he miss? Agree. I presume you don't work for him anymore.

I have my own business now, so no, I don't.

What an experience. I cannot imagine. Nose diving.

I only had a much tinier experience with just Ryan and I hitting this jump in the sand dunes in this razor over and over again. It's great every time. We hit it one last time, and yet at the peak of the trajectory, the front end just tilted down. And yeah, we just came smashing down the Earth face first. It's quite an experience to watch the Earth close in quickly through the front windshield.

Then again, at the same time, if everyone could experience it and live, it's a great thing to have that happen and survive. Wow. I appreciate everything.

When you guys ultimately got to Pennsylvania, you had a great story to tell the client. Yeah.

He never got that business, though. Oh, he did.

Okay.

We risked our life for nothing.

All for not. Wow.

What a story.

Yeah, Neil. I'm glad you made it. That's harrowing.

All right. Thanks, guys. It was awesome to meet you guys. Yeah. Nice meeting you, too.

Nice to meet you, too, brother. Take care. Wow. Very positive. I'd be so mad at that person.

I know. I will say... Go ahead. I'm impressed he landed it.

Yeah, I'm glad he chose to pull the shoot.

Yeah, he did do some things right at the end there, it seems.

Thank God they put parachutes on those small airplanes.

What a cool-Advancement? Yeah, I agree. Thank you. Advancement. Also, I have made delicious vanilla rice pudding.

With shaving the...

With scraping the beans from the inside of the vanilla bean. Really? Yeah.

That sounds very tedious. It is.

It's so tedious.

But you love it. You love Tedium. You're a fiend for Tedium. Tedium fiend.

Yeah, well, it's definitely rewarding when it tastes so good.

I've probably been in a restaurant that was nice enough to have that. But I'm now feeling like I need to try really premium vanilla.

Yeah, it's so good.

Let's talk to Jamie. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hello. Is this Jamie?

It's Jamie. How are you?

Hi, Jamie. Good. Where are you?

I'm in Atlanta. We just spoke to another Atlanta- Decatur. Big airport here. Well, that is true.

Huge hub.

You are right.

Where in Atlanta are you? I'm south of the city. So I'm actually... It's so funny. I was listening to the Monday fact check while I was getting ready. And Monica, you said you filmed Drop Dead Divas in Peacery City. That's where I live.

Oh, no way. Did they shoot Walking Dead or close to there?

Walking Dead was filmed at Sonoy, which is 10 minutes down the road from me.

Okay. Was that the biggest thing to hit the area? I mean, that show was huge.

For sure. They still do tours. I get my hair done in Sonoy, and they will still have people walking around in zombie costumes.

Oh, wow. They go in character. Cool. Yeah.

I've never seen the show, and it's the cuteest little town. If you go down to a bottom level, there's a huge museum with the clothes from the show and stuff. Oh, wow.

They really leaned in. I like that.

I really leaned in. Yeah. We have Trilith now, too, which is a huge movie studio. So we have a lot of stuff filming around here these days.

Yeah. A lot of good filming.

Unforeseen. If my hometown of Milford became a hotbed of filming, that'd be the weirdest thing to me.

I grew up here. It is very strange. So all of a sudden, we have stuff to do in the evenings and it's becoming this cool little place because of all this.

Okay, so you have a crazy airplane story.

I do. So this was in probably 2016. I will preface by saying I'm a flight attendant.

Oh, great. This should be good.

Any party I'm at, people are like, Oh, what's the craziest thing that's ever happened to you on a plane? And I have a lot, but this is the safest one to share on a public forum, I think. But we also want dangerous.

And quickly, though, you can maybe hit us with three or four stories if you want, but how many flights do you think you've been on? Do you know?

Thousands. I don't know. My dad's also a pilot, so I grew up flying everywhere. And then now with this, when I first started, I would work six 16, 17 days a month, flying four flights a day. Wow.

Oh, my God. That's 60 a month right there.

I've been flying now almost 10 years. So now I just do day trips and stuff. I have kids now, so things have changed.

So then this was early in your career, this was nine years ago.

Yeah, I had only been flying for a couple of months. So I was working a trip to Cancun. Caribbean flights are just crazy. People are going on vacation. And so that's just a thing as a flight attendant. You know if you're going to Florida or the Caribbean, you're in for an interesting crowd. Onboarding had a man who came on board in first class with a sombrero that was so large, it wouldn't fit in the overhead bin. So I had to put his sombrero in the closet where our wheelchairs are supposed to be stowed. That's just the type of flight that we're on. We call these flights turns. That means you just go to the city, you turn around, you come right back home. So it's just a one day trip. We had already flown into Cancun and dropped off those passengers and got new passengers, and we were flying back to base from Cancun.

And really quick, just tell me the shift in vibe, because when people are going there, they're so excited, they may be a little drunk before they get on the plane. They're coming home, they're just completely wrung out. There's sunburn. What's the vibe?

Yeah, that's exactly right. It's the same as working Vegas. Going to, you're running out of liquor, your drawers are empty, you're going back to the car. It's the same with the Caribbean. And then coming home, everyone's like, I need more water. Please just get me water. Can you shut the shade. You're not serving drinks.

You need We need to keep electrolytes on those flights for sure.

Yes, that would be very helpful. Okay, so we are in the phase of flight where it's 10,000 feet and the captain gives us the double ding, so we go to stand up to set up our carts. We're setting up our carts in the back galley, and all of a sudden, this passenger collapses backwards out of the lap. So we hadn't seen him go in. He had, but we were just setting up the carts and stuff. He was luckily fully clothed like a gentleman probably in his mid to late 60s and bigger guy. And he just fell out of the lap into the galley floor.

Oh, my God. What a thing to witness, by the way, a body flying through that door. I feel like that would be very comedic.

I knew. You just get out of training with all this experience. And they always tell you anything that can happen on the ground can happen on the plane. So our medical training has to be pretty decent, but I obviously lose all of it. The only thing I can remember is they tell me to say, My name's Jamie. I'm a flight attendant. Having this guy, and he's not coming to. He is breathing. He's just unconscious. And so Flight Attendant who's with me, she leaves to go get medical equipment, which is her role in this situation. And she tells Flight Attendant up front who's then communicating with the pilot, which is all of our procedure, to let them know we're having a medical emergency. But I'm just in the back with this guy.

Reminding him of your name every few seconds.

Just trying to check on him.

Also, there's one detail I need clarification If you guys were just setting up when this happened, clearly, he got up before the double ding. He needed to get to the bathroom as soon as you took off.

That's right. So they call for a doctor, and I'm still just kneeling next to this guy on the floor of the galley. And thank God, this barefooted man comes running down the aisle to me, and I'm like, Oh, my gosh, a doctor. Thank you. And I'm looking at him, and he's the man who had come on board with the sombrero.

And he's barefoot?

Are you sure you're a doctor? But banger can't be choosers. I was just so grateful to have company. He could have been like anybody. And so he meals at this guy's head and he's checking for a pulse. And slowly this guy is coming back, too. So a minute or so into this, his wife comes back. So I guess she realized, oh, he got up to go to the bathroom. They called for a doctor. He's still not back. So she comes back and she's like, oh, no. And she said, oh, he's had Montezumas and he's been vomiting for days. And so I think that he has feign it. He's not been able to keep anything down. Oh, no. And so the doctor's like, oh, okay, okay. Okay.

Montezuma.

And the doctor's having me get him stuff, like an orange juice. And some gally wipes this guy. He's pretty sweaty. And it's just a lot of moisture, and it keeps having me get a trash bag. And I'm sitting there, and it's getting increasingly more stinky. Okay? So it had started out getting smelly, and I had been like, Okay, he fell out of the bathroom, whatever. Whatever. But it's just getting worse and it's getting worse. And I look at the doctor and he looks at me and he nods like, Yeah, what you're thinking is what's happened. And as that happens, the passenger looks up at me and he says, Ma'am, I thought I've been passing gas, but I think that more has been coming out.

That's the most delicate way to say I've shit myself. I thought I was passing gas, but I do believe there was more.

So I am kneeling and have been mealing going at this guy's torso for the last 10 minutes. And I realized the thing that I thought was moisture from this sweaty man is diarrhea. And I am just sitting. Hold on.

No, you're sitting in it. It's leaked out of his pants and you were kneeling in it.

I was in a puddle of his diarrhea. No.

You don't have mops on board or anything, right? Where do we start?

Or a change of clothes, probably.

Oh, my God.

Yes. So I am sitting in this man's poop, and he realizes it, and I realize it, and the doctor realizes it. We're all just having this moment. The wife's like, Oh, no. And he looks up at me and he's so embarrassed. Of course. And he goes, I am so sorry. And I just looked at him and said, You know what? Worst things have happened to me. And in my head, I'm thinking, literally nothing worse has ever happened to me. This is the worst thing that's ever happened. But I'm trying so hard to make sure that he's feeling okay.

Kind white lie. It was. Oh, you should have seen my last flight.

Yeah. This happens all the time. It's just poop everywhere. So I'm sitting in this man's poop. So I go to stand up and I look down and I'm in pantyhose. And from knee to ankle, it's just so, it's covered in this man's diarrhea. The doctor looks at the wife and is like, Do you guys have a change of clothes on board? And she's like, I think he has his swimsuit and his book bag. And the doctor's like, Yes, please go get that swimsuit. So he goes and gets it. And the doctor is like, Can we use this space? I'm going to get him cleaned up. I'm like, Okay. And as he's pushing me into the aisle and closing the galley curtain, he looks at me and he says, Don't touch anything. So I'm just standing there and there's all these passengers trying to get to the lab, trying to use the restaurant. I don't want to tell them that I'm covered in this man's poop. I don't want to embarrass this man. And I know I smell.

The whole plane is probably starting to smell.

Of course. Yeah. And so The guy gets cleaned up and he goes back to his seat and the doctor calls me back and he's like, Are you comfortable with me helping you get cleaned up? And I'm like, Please. I would let anyone help me get cleaned up at this point. So we close the curtain, and he's like, Do you have a change of clothes? On the brand new flight attendant on this day trip. So I just brought a tote bag. Now, I will never, ever go anywhere without at least two changes of clothing. And that's just a good rule of thumb. Delays and rerout. Things can happen. Here I was, so naive, never I was going to get pooped on that day. So I had nothing. I just had my uniform. Luckily, we wear flats on the airplane, and we wear high heels in the concourse. So we have our onboard shoes and our concourse shoes. And so I had my concourse shoes. So I take off the flats, we throw those away. I put on my heels. I take off my pantyhose. And this guy looks at me and he's like, Get all the vodka you can find.

So I'm going in all the carts and pulling out the mini bottles of vodka, and he just starts pouring vodka down my hands, down my arms. Good for him. He's scrubbing my legs. My skin is raw.

Is this all running on the floor? You guys are just like, Fuck it. We got to make a mess back here.

Oh, yeah. I mean, at that point, we're grateful to have the vodka that's running onto the poop because it's all in the same space, the puddle of diarrhea. And the doctor had so graciously tried to clean that up. This wasn't his first time getting pooped on, probably. Right. At one point, we hit turbulence in the middle of this. That was pretty moderate. And I'm looking at this guy. I knew it, so I keep thinking, Oh, no, I'm going to get in trouble. The seat belt sign is on and this guy's out of his seat. And he actually told me he used to be a flight doctor. His job had been on helicopters, transporting patients after car accidents and stuff. So he was like, This is nothing. I am always in turbulence. He got me all cleaned up. But this whole thing had happened at the first 20 minutes of the flight. As it was happening, I had been kneeling in it. So it was on my hands and I had gotten an orange juice and I got pipped out. The whole galley, I had touched with my poop hands. At one point, he was like, can he have some pretzels?

I don't know what car, what bin. My poop hands have touched everything. Oh, my God. And so I'm trying to explain to the flight attendants why there's no possible way we can do a service. And when he had first fallen out, we still had carts out. We had pushed those back in. And then we have passengers who are mad at us because we're not going to make a PA. Hey, someone all over our supplies for today. So we borrowed water from the front. I didn't. I was disgusting. I covered in poop, and so I had to go in the hiding. We had been keeping the captain up to date on all of this the whole time. When we landed back to base, I'm the last one to get off because I'm in the back alley and I'd waited for everybody. Even as I'm getting off, the flight attendant, They're all keeping their distance, which is the worst feeling. I turned the corner to the jet bridge, and there's a man standing there in a full hazmat suit. He's there to escort me through customs because I'm a biohazard. I'm covered in poop. And so they have to take me through a special line.

It was an out-of-body experience. I don't even remember.

How long is the flight from Cancun to Atlanta?

Two hours.

Two hours. It must have smelt terrible. What What's the other flight attendants doing to mitigate the smell?

They didn't want to be involved in it. I don't blame them. But we have kits because people vomit on airplanes. That part does happen frequently. So we do have ways to clean it up, and we do have supplies for that. We had been able to box it and all that. It was mostly me. I was the only one who hadn't been cleaned. Just my dress, covered in poop.

It's also comforting to know that there's a team on the ground ready to respond to a duty like that. There's already people that have mansive. What's the turnaround on cleaning up that plane? They got to take it out of commission for a minute.

They have a team that will come in when something like that happens in the full outfit. They did a very good job.

But at some point, you need to remove the walls and stuff. There needs to be a refurbishing.

Sometimes it's just a page one rewrite on these things.

Pull the carpet up, put new carpet down. We just walk around like we're super civilized. Then every now and then, you're like, Well, we're still animals. The whole system just goes haywire on us animals sometimes.

Well, and it's like people who walk to the lab without shoes on. You're just like, What are you thinking? You don't even know.

Have you ever seen any fist fights on board?

No fist fights. I've seen someone get physical with a flight attendant who got arrested, but that was on the ground, thank God. Then I had someone get arrested one time for threatening my life on his plane. Really? His timing was just bad. He just said it as he was getting up. There was already police meeting the flight for his behavior, on board the flight the whole time. And as he was walking off the plane, he happened to look at the captain and say, You're lucky. I didn't choke out your flight, so now it's going to kill her. But the police were right there. And if you do it on the airplane, had he set on the Jepper, she would have been fine, but you can't threaten a crew member on board an aircraft.

Is the main thing you're having to deal with this people intoxicated? Is that the number one? A hundred %. And also people take Ambien while they're flying and they get crazy.

They take something, they're nervous. They don't realize. They mix it with maybe the amount they would normally drink, and they don't realize. Flying is hard. You lose all of your control. You have to listen to these flight attendants and pilots, and I get it. It's a complete loss of control, but that sometimes brings out the worst in people.

I'm impressed. You're a hero.

How often out of 100 flights, you identify someone before you take off as being way too hammered and kick them off the flight. Is that pretty regular or one in a hundred, one in a thousand?

Not that regular. There's a lot of steps they get through to get to us. Tsa, it should be the first line of noticing. And then if not, then the gate agent. And there's been times where the gate agent comes. I had this And like a month ago where the gate agent is like, Hey, this guy. I'm not sure.

It's always a guy, probably, mostly.

No, you'd be surprised.

Girls get wild, too.

I always say it's such a good job because you just collect stories, not stress. Even if it's horrible in the moment. You never see those people again. Even if you don't like the flight attendant you're working with, you never have to fly with them again. We don't fly with the same people. You just collect these crazy stories. And occasionally, you get pooped on.

I've been talked to. I was on a flight where I was like, I had gotten up and I was talking to someone else, and I was pretty tipsy. And they said, You got to sit down. You're starting to make people nervous. And I was like, Oh, the tone. I was drunk, but I was like, Oh, this is the tone right before you get thrown off a flight. Did you get defensive or did you- No, I cooperated. Oh, good. I knew it was... I'm like, Oh, wow, they're talking to me like I've seen them talk to people.

Right.

It's hard to navigate, too. You just don't know what people's limits are, how they're going to act or respond.

Wow. I'm putting you up in the category of nurses because I'm regularly watching. Our last dust up was me getting protective over a flight attendant. When the guy was acting like he didn't know what dark chicken was and all that.

I know, but he was just being a little rude.

I remember you telling that story, and I was so proud I was like, yes. There's also so much time that we don't have a say in the things they're mad at us about. I can't control that they've asked me to do these things or that the weather is bad. The people that will yell at you because we're not taking off because of weather. I don't want to take off in bad weather.

Exactly. You're like, I'm a person, too. He was a bad person, probably. He was not nice. But it would have been way worse to have a huge altercation in the middle of the first class cabin. For her, too, it would have been worse.

I wanted to add a theme to the story, which was also, don't judge a book by its cover. When I heard about the guy with the sombrero, I'm like, this guy's a turkey. Who fucking wears a hat too big and everyone has to worry about stolen it for him. And then he's the hero.

I know. And he was my hero. And he was so nice.

And he had his shoes off because I often look at someone taking their shoes off. I'm like, you can't keep those on for another hour and a half.

Yeah, he was having a good flight. He had a good time in Cancun, I'm sure. Oh, yeah.

It sounds like he deserved it.

Oh, Jamie, that was great.

I'm so grateful to be here. I have to say my sister, the first time she listened to your podcast, the very first one, she called me immediately after. And she was like, you have to listen to this podcast. I have to interview Kristen interview Kristen, and it's so good. And so we've been listening since day one. Because of my job, I'm always in a different place and with different people. And I swear I was an armchair ambassador at the beginning. I'd be like any crew, any jump seat I was in, have you guys heard of this podcast? It's called Armchair Expert. It's really great. And it's been really cool because now you're on our in-flight entertainment. I was on a flight the other day and you guys are there, and I just thought, oh, my gosh, this is so full circle. I have loved you guys from the beginning, and so I'm really proud of you guys and proud to be a part of that experience.

Oh, thank you. Keep proselytizing. Urge people to check it out. I've seen it on a flight, and it makes me really proud.

I'm like, Yeah, you guys should listen to that one.

Well, Jamie, what a pleasure getting to meet you. We appreciate you. And great story. Thank you so much.

Thank Thank you, guys. Have a great day. All right.

Take care. Oh, wow. A lot of stuff happens up in those friendly skies. Sure does. When you poop yourself up there, that's the worst.

I feel bad for him.

I'm lucky that didn't happen to me on that flight home from Qatar, or rather, Kuwait, that I didn't fall out of the bathroom because I was bending over and sitting down and bending over and sitting down. I could have easily... Awful. I was passing gas, and I think more came. Oh, that's sad. And it makes it worse that he's in his 60s, I think.

I know. And there's pretty young girls sitting in your diarrhea, your haunt us.

If you're in your 20s, you're like, I'm sorry, I'm a mess. But, yeah, 60s, you're supposed to have your shit together, figuratively and literally. All right.

That was a good time.

I love you.

Love you.

Do you want to sing a tune or something? We have a theme song.

Okay, great. We don't have a theme song for this new show, so here I go, go, go. We're going to ask some random questions, and with the help of our cherries, we'll get some suggestions. On the fly, Rindish, on the fly, rindish. Enjoy. Follow Armchair Expert on the WNDRI app, Amazon Music, or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to every episode of Armchair Expert early and ad-free right now by joining WNDRI Plus in the WNDRI app or on Apple Podcasts. Before you go, about yourself by completing a short survey at wundri. Com/survey.