Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dan Rather, and I'm joined by Misses Mouse.

Hi.

This is my favorite topic. Pooped yourself. You did doodles in your pants.

Big old time. Pooped it.

Yeah. You didn't shit the bed, but you shit your pants.

Yeah.

Or I guess there was not everyone was wearing pants.

There was a bed shit, though.

Yeah. Yeah, you're right. I I guess it was Easter egg. Apropos, Easter egg foreshadowing. I'm inclined to say if you got this far, then you're gonna be fine. There's no blood or animal cruelty you can listen to. This is old fashioned poop in your pants, you know? So if you can handle that, if.

You made it through last week, you can handle anything, right?

And they may not have, and they were advised not to. So I guess, welcome back. Please enjoy. Poop yourself. Hard times come and go? Good times take them slow. My life, I had em both.

You gotta know I'm gonna keep on shining.

Pooped yourself. Great. We like this prompt. Austin's a good name. It's a great city.

What'd you say?

It's a boy.

Oh, no, Austin would be a cute girl name.

We like boys. Guests for Armchair Anonymous.

That's true.

They're fewer and farther between.

Hello?

Hi, is this Austin?

This is Austin. How you doing?

Wonderful, how are you?

I'm good. It's so good to see you guys.

Have you ever met a female Austin?

Actually, back in the school where this takes place, there's a couple of them, but not since then.

Nice.

There were a couple? Yeah.

You know, it's funny, I was always told I was named after that song. If this is Austin, I only remember. Realized when I was like 20. That song came out way after I was.

Yeah.

I was like, that's like, not an old song at all.

Yeah, total bullshit.

Yeah. Okay, so tell us about the time and place that this hootie in your pants story occurred.

Okay, so it takes place in New Orleans, Louisiana, where I grew up.

Could we agree? Probably. Per capita, more pant shitting happening there than almost anywhere in the country.

I can only speak for myself, but.

It'S up there in my life, that's for sure.

Okay, so it probably takes place 2004, 2005. I'm like ten or eleven at the time. At my school down there in Jefferson Parish. First and foremost, I was obsessed with this girl. We'll call her Mandy. She's a player in the story.

Okay, Mandy.

I was a really, really hyperactive kid, so I had a very strict teacher who everything was really intense. I just sit still at my desk. I had to pay attention. She wasn't having it. But the one area that she was kind of lax was she let you go to the bathroom. I would use and abuse this privilege as often as I could. Every day I had to go to the bathroom, and the bathroom was way down the hall, so I could be gone for, like, 1520 minutes. Just letting that, like, weird energy out and come back and feel better.

Yeah, freak out a bit in the stall.

Yeah, just touch stuff I'm not supposed to touch. Be where I'm not supposed to be.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I cried wolf a lot. Eventually it caught up to me. So one day it hits me. I'm sitting on my desk. I actually do have to go to the restroom. I walk up to my teacher, like, hey, I have to go to the restroom. And unfortunately, that's when she realized she's completely had enough. She's like, no, go sit down. I'm not letting you go. I was like, man, okay. And you know how these things go with the cumulative. So first I think I'm fine, but I go sit at my desk. I sit there for a little bit. I'm like, okay, it's getting worse. I really need to go to the bathroom. And I go up, I want to say two or three times. Finally I go up and I'm like, hey, I really need to go to the restroom, like, now. And I think she must have seen it in my face because she was like, I'll let you go when Mandy gets back with the hall pass. You can get the hall pass from her, and then I'll let you go to the bathroom.

Mandy herself was dealing with some.

It's almost worse than, no, you're gonna get to go.

It really is. It's like, have you ever seen your house when you really have to go to the restroom, and then the feeling becomes so much more urgent? It's just like that?

Yes. Knowing that you are just this restroom pass away, minutes away. Maybe some false hope for your boss.

I'm already mad at Mandy.

No, she did nothing wrong. I think she was out there in good faith, using the restroom. So as soon as I sit back down at my desk, I realize immediately I'm not gonna make it. I kinda started thinking about my options. This wave of calm kinda cave over me because I had what I thought was, like, a pretty foolproof plant. I'm wearing some really tight, tighty whities, and I've got, like, a big, oversized Jeff Gordon leather jacket on my shoulders.

Wonderful. Jeff Gordon, NASCAR. Here we go.

24, baby. And I'm thinking about it, and I'm like, okay, my plan is I'm going to relieve myself at my desk.

Wow.

Very quietly.

Yeah.

And then I'm going to get up, I'm going to tie my big jacket around my waist so no one can see the bulge in the back of my pants. I'm going to get the hall pass. I'm going to go to the bathroom, mix the underwear, the poop, come back, and just stride back into class. No one's going to know.

Bob's your uncle. You're now raw dog in your jeans. But who will know and who cares?

Did I miss how old are you.

At the time of ten or eleven? Just old enough to where you don't need shitting yourself in public.

Sure, Kurt, sure.

Yeah. And also young enough that this plan's gonna work out exactly. Because are you not thinking you're also gonna pee your pants when you poop? Presumably, or. I would really.

I don't remember urine being a factor here. It certainly does a factor in the story. Not to say I didn't dribble in my pants a little bit, but nothing that I can remember. Okay, so the plan, foolproof. The execution lacking. Come to find out, I can see Mandy coming down the hallway through the glass and the door. And so I leaned forward. I relieved myself at my desk, probably more obvious than I was at the time.

Also, really quick, you see Mandy, I'm thinking, no, we go back to plan a, go to the toilet. But no, you were married to now.

Plan b. I thought there was no problems, no holes. I was like, we're already here. I'm still not gonna make it to the bathroom. I figured the timing was right. I believe myself. I'm sitting there. It's a long walk down the hall. I'm kind of just bopping around. She finally gets to the door. I stand up, I tie the jacket around waist, and I walk up to the front of the class. And as she's handing me the hall pass, I hear this collective gasp of, like, 30 kids. My teacher, everyone.

Oh, no. I hate this.

Mandy looks me up and down, ankles to shoulders, and it's horrifying.

There's no question for her, you have defecated in your clothing 100%.

So I came up with this plan knowing it was going to be pretty firm coming out. You can feel these things. But I didn't factor in was while I was waiting and bobbing around, I compressed it into a pretty small, little baseball in my shorts. It rolled out of my elastic waistband and exploded on the ground behind me.

No. Oh, no. Like a snowball.

Like a snowball. I'm talking, like, back of the ankle.

Oh.

And you didn't feel it?

I could feel it shifting around, but I don't know if I was eyes on the prize, but it was just the groans and everyone being horrified in the class. That's what cued me off that I had just taken a crap on the floor in front of 30 kids.

Oh, it wasn't the smell. I thought that everyone was reacting to the smell. No.

The physicality of a poop extraction.

The visual.

Yeah, it rolled down my leg and exploded on the carpet, and everyone thought I was right in front of the class.

Wait, were you wearing shorts?

I was wearing shorts.

Oh, so they saw the leg roll. I'm really mad at your teacher. I hope she feels like shit.

But he was abusing.

Doesn't matter. When it's bathroom. You can't do that.

I was definitely taking advantage.

You're being very nice.

It's true. I remember they put me in these big, oversized, you know, like, adult sized sweatpants for the rest of the day. They had to bring in some janitor who doesn't make enough money, by the way, and I did. To watch her clean up the species on the floor. And I, like, begged to be taken out of school by my mom. She's like, absolutely not. Whoa, mom. The next day, I had to go back, and my friends were trying to hype me up. They're like, dude, no one even remembers that it never happened.

Oh, boy.

I was telling my friends this story years later, in a moment of synchronicity, Mandy added me on Facebook, as I'm telling my friends maybe an hour or two later. And so I was like, man, wouldn't it be funny if I send her the poop emoji and be like, hey, don't you remember that? I sent it to her, and I was promptly unfriended.

Oh, she did not think that was Mandy.

That was.

That was very self defecating of you.

Very good.

Wow. All the women in the story suck. The teacher, your mom, Mandy.

Well, I guess it says a lot to your recovery from the episode that you, years later, feel confident enough to send her the poop emoji.

Yeah, I thought she would think it's funny. But now that I know she unfriended me after, I think maybe she didn't remember who I was. And then as soon as she saw it, she was like, oh, yeah, never mind.

Well, there's. Yeah, there's a couple things. One was like, she didn't remember that you did that. Yeah. And it's just like, what a juvenile thing to send. Another thing would be like, God, this guy, like, staring at me, shit in front of me, and now he's sending me. This guy loves poop. Gross.

Oh, my God.

Like, now it's not even an accident. Now she goes back in time and says, like, oh, he forced himself. Yeah. He's like, it's a kink.

Yeah. Well, hopefully this gives her some closure, because from her perspective, I guess she came back to class and some kid had just taken a dump in front of everybody.

Oh, my lord. Did anyone call you any bad names or anything afterwards, or did it blow over?

It blew over eventually. I don't remember any bullying from it, but it was hanging in the air for, I would imagine, a week or two after.

Yeah.

Yeah. Cause I think in my school, you would have never heard the end of that. I think you would have been a senior, and there'd be still a nickname, okay.

For any parents out there who have kids who poop their pants, pull them out of school. Well, first of all, yes, change schools, move towns. Secondly, now you can point to Austin. Cause Austin turned out very well. We can tell.

He's very cute, confident, nice smile.

Exactly.

Thank you, guys.

So you can grow up and still have a fine life.

Yeah, absolutely. Maybe even thrive.

Maybe even.

Maybe even.

It all worked out. Robin here. I love the show. Hit and run's amazing.

Oh, thank you. Really quick. One last question. Did they evacuate? Pun intended. The classroom once the pootie was on the floor?

No.

We all stood there and watched the janitorial staff clean it up.

Oh, my God. No one knows what they're doing.

So many mistakes.

Yeah. Cause if I'm an innocent by scene and I'm like, I don't need to sit in this room with a live shit while we wait for gale to come down with the mop. Oh, also, carpet.

Carpet.

Fuck, they're scrubbing.

Yeah. This is rough.

Oh, well, thank you.

Thanks for sharing.

Yeah. Really appreciate it. Great meeting you.

Great to meet you guys.

All right. Take care, brother.

Kid ones are hard. I'm just mad at everyone else.

I understand. They're so innocent, they don't know what they're doing. They come up with plans. Like, just poop your pants, cover it with your Gordon jacket in your shorts. Yeah. Shorts, no less. He had so much confidence in the tightness of those whities.

Unfortunately, they're much looser than people think.

Also, I can't believe he was so bold that it was not gonna get loose, because sometimes you do have a very robust log. But then just on the backside of.

That, well, exactly is machine. He didn't know yet. But also, they shouldn't call it tighty whities because that's why kids like him can get confused.

Lucy Whities. All right, let's talk to Chantel. Chantelle. Chantelle. Shansay. Shawnse Shansay. Chantel. That's what I'm gonna say to Chantel. Oh, I'm gonna say Shaunce Chantel. Is that. Hello. Let's turn. Turn to the left. Shawn.

Say, I don't know that I'm gonna open the song. That's what they're saying.

I think so. Shansay, Shawn, say hello.

Hi. Oh, my God. You guys are so beautiful.

Oh, you're so beautiful. Are you in the Midwest?

I'm in Ontario, Canada.

We live in.

I mean, look, that's kind of the midwest.

Yeah. My geography is nothing good.

You're on the same longitude as Michigan ish. And we call that the midwest.

But that's not a geography issue on your end, no one says Ontario's in the Midwest. You're right.

But I was just really looking at the architecture of the window behind you, and it looked very Michigan.

We live actually in a small town between Ottawa and Kingston. So the house was built in the seventies. Like, it's very groovy.

A lot of wood and brick. Believe it or not, I love wood and brick.

Remember when foursides brick was huge?

Four sides brick.

Oh, maybe that was a suburban thing. But if your house was four sides brick, you'd pay extra for that.

Instead of brick up front and then, like, aluminum siding and back one side brick. Just forward facing brick.

Do you know about that?

No.

Do you, Chantel?

Yeah. Our entire house is all brick.

Oh, but do you know this term foresight brick?

No.

No.

Yes. Four sided brick.

You know it. But us three.

Okay, well, you didn't grow up in the suburbs.

Maybe it's not a Midwest thing.

Probably not.

Yeah.

The three of you are all midwest, so.

And how'd you end up with such a name from Ontario?

Oh, my God. My dad would be mortified. But I have to tell that story.

Yes.

So my dad had a crush on a girl that came from Quebec. Her name was Chantel. He was obsessed with her in high school. And he's a twin, so both twins loved this girl. Oh, years go on. And my mom gets pregnant with me. And so he suggests this name, and I come to find out from my dad's youngest brother that I was actually named after the crush. And my mom was like, you're joking. And my dad instantly read was like, uh oh, busted. So I'm named after his crush.

Okay, so that was an embarrassing story for your father, but now we're gonna transition into one for you.

Yeah. He also partakes in this, too.

Oh, well, dad's everywhere.

He's male, so. Sure.

It actually happened about a year ago. My son was six months old, and I didn't actually, like, venture out very much to places unless I was, like, walking. And I decided today was the day I was going to drive to the grocery store. The grocery store is about five to three minutes away, depending on traffic, and load them up. I finish my morning coffee, give it its grace period, make it to the grocery store, pull in, and all of a sudden, I get this, like, weird pain in my belly, and I'm like, this is fine. So I go into the grocery store, continue shopping around, and then all of a sudden, it comes on full, where it's like, you have, like, a couple minutes to, like, maybe go to the washroom. Like, you don't want to fart. So I was like, oh, we got to get out of here. But I know full well that the grocery store has a washroom. So I go to the checkout, and I normally do self checkout. I didn't that day because it was actually relatively busy. So I go to the cashier, and she takes her sweet time.

Time really slows down. Like a car accident, and you're trying.

To, like, not sweat, and I'm just like, oh, my God. And not be rude either, because I'm like, this isn't the lady's issue. This is mine. And so we finish up, and I wheel the cart, and I know that the cart and my son and I will all fit. And at this point, my body's starting to relax because I'm, like, ready to sit and drink. It's happening. I'm gonna be fine. I'm gonna make it. And I did not because a lovely gentleman cut across from me, literally walked in, made direct eye contact, and was like, I'm so sorry, and shut the door.

Oh. He said, I'm so sorry.

And I was like, okay, yeah, great. So I, like, turn the cart around. And at this point, I am praying to the butthole gods that we can hold it in to leave the grocery store.

Ooh. A foot away from freedom.

That doesn't happen. Oh, I barely make it to the doors, and I'm wearing leggings. And so it just starts coming out of me like molten lava.

Oh, okay.

I look down and there is a fucking goiter. Like, it's just a massive mound of poo on the side of my leg. And the leggings.

Oh, like a balloon goiter is an interesting thing. Yeah.

It's not a balloon. It's a solid piece of poo.

Oh, my God.

It's a growth on my leg at this point.

Okay, and where has it landed on your leg? On the back of your thigh? The inner thigh, the upper thigh, right above my knee.

So at this point, like, as I'm walking to the car, I am still shitting.

Oh.

As it's coming out, it's pushing down for whatever reason, on my left side. And this goiter is, like, blocking it. So it's, like, building up.

Oh, my.

Get to the car. I put my son in, who is kind of, like, starting to pick up on my emotions.

Very intuitive.

Oh, my God, he is. So I put my groceries in the car, and I'm like, okay, what am I going to do? So I have cloth seats in my car. So I grab a reusable grocery bag, put it on. On the seat, and all of a sudden, another wind of, like, shit hits me, and it just starts coming through. I don't even know what I ate from the day before.

Can I ask one detailed question? At any point, do you surrender the fact you're shitting your pants and push? Cause I could imagine you're like, well, damage is done. I'm gonna push and get the rest out.

So there was no pushing, but there literally was the moment of when I was like, oh, well, how bad can this get?

And it kept getting worse.

It did.

Can I throw another just. This is a public service announcement. Don't forget about your floor mats, guys. The backside of your floor mats are always rubber, so you can always pop those on your seat in case you have a duty in your pants or yarn.

That's smart. But I like what you did with the bag.

It's good. But the rubber barrier is really nice in this situation.

Yeah, yeah, it would make sense because, like, the poo, as it was coming out was kind of, like, slipping off of the top of the bag. So it was not even worth it. So absolutely, Dax, that makes total sense.

Okay, great.

So I'm driving. I call my husband. He's in a meeting, but maybe he'll answer. So I call.

Hold on, hold on, hold on. It's an emergency. She didn't tell. Why do we have to call your husband in a meeting? Like, what the fuck is he gonna do? You just are excited to tell him.

You sound like him, like you can't.

Help in any way.

It's your person. I know it's a long shot in the dark. You're not coming home, but I need to tell someone. So I call him and he's like, hey, honey, what's wrong? And I was like, I just shit my pants. And it was like, silence. And he's like, I don't know what to tell you, but this is a really shitty situation and I love you, and goodbye. I really don't know what to do now. And, like, my son is crying in the back. No, what I didn't mention is that I lived in an apartment building, so I needed, like, a game plan.

You gotta re enter in potentially a public space.

Yeah. So thankfully, I called my parents, who actually lived in the same apartment building. Here comes dad.

He said, you are not living up to your name, Chantel.

No.

So I called my mom and I'm like, hey, I just shit my pants. And she's like, okay. And I was like, can you come down and grab a the groceries? And your grandson and just helped me render the situation. And she's like, yeah, of course, but we're not at the building. And I was like, oh, great, where are you? And she's like, we're at the trailer park. And that trailer park is like 15 to 20 minutes away. And I'm like, okay. And she's like, but we will be right there. And all I hear is her yell to my dad, birdie, Chantelle shitter pants. He was just like, okay. And then she hung up the phone.

They sprang into action.

This is what the husband should have done.

He was at work, Monica.

His work isn't as important.

Monica, I love you. So I pull into the parking lot of the apartment, and I am like, what am I gonna do? I need to kind of figure out how to even get myself out of this car. Son still crying. And I'm like, this is great. I'm just feeling overstimulated. I look over and there's a self serve car wash. And I was like, at this moment, this feels like the right time to go over and maybe render this situation. So I text my mom and I'm like, meet me at the car wash. And all I got was like, k. So I go over to the car wash. Thankfully, no one was in there. I'm like, how am I gonna do this. In high school, I heard from one of my teachers that if you use a pressure washer on your skin, you could die. And I'm having this thing run through my brain of, like, am I going to cut my leg off and just die? And my child is gonna be traumatized. The fact over her mom shit her pants and die. This whole thing is running through it.

You hit your femoral artery.

Really? Yeah.

You can, with a power washer, tear your skin. Just another psa. The second one.

Okay, so it is true. Is this true? Like, I don't know. So I'm staring at the settings, and I'm like, what am I going to choose?

And your game plan at this point is you're going to drop trial at this coin operated car wash and be nude from the waist down and spray all the duty off of yourself?

Yeah. For whatever reason, it took my brain a really long time to get to that because I'm afraid I'm going to cut myself. I have my yoga pants still on, like, my leggings, and I just squeegeeing the poo.

Oh, okay.

I think the goiters are gonna fit out of the tiny little circle. Get so big, like, it's bulging at the bottom of my leg.

So you're mashing it into your leg?

I am. It was literally the most disgusting thing. And I'm like, what is happening right now?

What is happening? Why didn't you just go into your house? I don't understand.

I was afraid to walk through the apartment with someone seeing me.

Oh, wow.

And she'd have to be carrying her childhood.

Mom, at this point, is there. So I feel like at this point.

Well, mom's not there yet, is she?

No. So at this point, I drop my.

Trousers and you're in public.

I'm in public, yeah.

Which is somehow better than walking through the apartment.

I know, I know. The brain is a tricky place.

It's wild. I'm looking around, and I'm like, oh, my God, what am I gonna do? And then I look up, and my parents have come in, just absolute saving grace. My dad gets out of the car, and he's wearing this bright orange shirt. And my mom, she is wearing a lime green sweater. And I'm like, you guys are drawing more attention. And so my mom comes over and she's like, what can I do? And I was like, can you just take thatcher out and just. I can't. I'm starting to get teared up because I see my mama, and I'm just like, mommy.

Yeah, you're a baby now. Cause you pooped your pants, too.

My mom takes my son, and my dad comes around and he's like, what do you need me to do? And I was like, at this point, I have no change. He's like, I have change. How much is it? I was like, $3. He goes over, guys are crazy.

Everyone's gonna see this through. Yeah, yeah. They just jump right into the bad plan.

Yeah.

And he goes, what setting do you want? His hand goes out and he's like, just give me the thing. So I hand over the pole, and he takes it, and I turn around and he starts pressure washing my 32 year old ass.

Oh, you know what I gotta throw out, too. What's really great is this is so telling of children and parents, which is like, you have your pants down, your spraying poop off yourself, yet you're embarrassed for them that they're in orange. Like this would happen to me, too. They pulled me and be like, oh, my God, how embarrassing. You're actively nude in public, spraying poop off yourself, but somehow you still have the high ground. Yeah, you have the cool high ground.

But actually, when I was retelling this story, I realized, too, that I am so grateful that I could actually call my parents to help me. One of my girlfriends is like, my dad would never see me buck naked. But without hesitation, they both were like, what do you need? It was so beautiful to see. I was very thankful, but also extremely embarrassed.

Yeah, it's kind of life affirming. And I would certainly spray my daughters off at any age if they had.

You've made it clear that you'll do that?

Yeah, I'm the guy that call for that.

Yeah, for sure.

Do you just pull your leggings back up once all the sprains?

Oh, no. Sorry. I should mention that. So I took the grocery bag off the seat, put my disgusting pants, my shoes, and literally hand it to my dad. And he takes it like a mob boss and drops it in the garbage and gets back in the truck. And my mom literally looks at me and she goes, you don't have any pants on. She's like, well, I have my sweater. And I was like, let's do it. So I put the sweater on, I tie it, I zip it up, I drive myself back to the apartment. It's like 2 seconds away. Dad's there. I pop the trunk, he gets the groceries out. Mom grabs my son. And what I didn't mention was that I worked at the time for the company who owned the apartment building. And that apartment building always had a property manager at it that would come in and out just to make sure that everything was running securely. And when I looked over and I saw the man's truck, and I was like, please, for the love of God, I do not want to see anyone I know right now. This is the last thing I need.

And sure as shit, when I got out of that car and I walked around the corner, there was Bob just, hey, Chantel, how are you? And I was like, hey. And he's like, look at you.

Like, look at the baby.

And I'm just like, this is the most uncomfortable situation. And it was like, as soon as he walked up to me, he could smell, like, the look on his face. And he was like, I hope you have a good night.

Oh, he cut it short.

Yeah, but you also had a baby.

I would just blame it on. It's like, the obvious thing is that.

The baby obviously poo and may have as well.

I mean, in solidarity.

Yeah.

Wow.

It is funny when you're in a situation like that, to become hostile at someone's kindness. It's such a unique feeling when you're like, oh, my God. Not fucking time to be nice to me. Just get out of here, you piece of shit. Can really.

You're like the goiter in my pants.

The goiter. I get up to the apartment, and my dad's already put away my groceries, and I hop in the shower, and, Monica, I can confirm that I got in, asked to the water, and was like, just clean me. So I figured you needed to know.

That I do research.

So it was asked to the water. Tears, laughter. And then I got out, and finally my husband came home that night, and I told him the final ending of the story. And he goes, you know, they have cameras at these things. And I was like, oh, great. And he goes, it's gonna float around the Internet. And I was like, or like, someone's gonna get a really good laugh about it.

No one's ever watching those cameras unless there's a murder there and they go review it. So it was on your inside when you called him in the meeting, and now I'm not on his side for this reaction.

Exactly.

He should have been comforting you. So sorry. I was busy. Boy, that's a lot to go through. Don't worry. No one saw. You're good. But he chose another route.

Rough.

So one demerit for him and one pass.

That was great.

Yes. Thank you, Chantel.

Thank you for sharing that.

It was your whole morning. Really? It wasn't just isolated. It became a whole adventure.

It was absolutely insane.

I bet the whole family felt closer, though, after that.

Yeah.

All right. Wonderful meeting you, Shantel.

Bye.

Thanks, guys.

Hello.

Hi. How are you guys?

Hi, there.

You're great.

Oh, yeah.

We can hear you perfectly. And you're a big. A little a r o n. So I immediately feel comfortable.

Of course.

Cute shirt.

Do you like that?

Yes, a lot. Armchair shirt for the listener.

I don't think it's an official one.

We're not haters. Whatever it takes. Okay, Aaron, tell us what happened, where and when. Paint a picture for us.

So I worked for a car company in southern California, and I was out on a business trip back east. We were meeting with another car company that tests cars for us. Basically, I had, like, a half day meeting with them and they were nice enough to provide lunch at the end of this meeting. And I ordered the Reuben sandwich. Love a Reuben. Reuben didn't end up loving me.

Oh.

I've never been double crossed by a Reuben, by the way. I've had them all over the place. I didn't know that was something we gotta watch out for. Maybe it was a sauerkraut was tainted.

It's possible. So we left this meeting, and since this company drives the roads around that area, we thought it'd be a good idea since our cars were evaluated on those roads, that we would go out and drive those roads. So we were out driving for maybe like an hour. Then everybody wanted to have a wrap up meeting, you know, to discuss everything that happened that day. We were kind of driving in this really rural state park. I found this really cool park right off the side of the road along a river. It was like this idyllice little place to have a meeting, right? There's a picnic table in this big, green, grassy area. Seemed wonderful at the time. We sat down at the picnic table and I was there with my five or six other coworkers, including my boss. And probably there for ten minutes or so, and I start to get gassy.

Oh, okay.

I'm thinking I'll just subtly fart. Yeah, it'll be no problem.

You're outside. You're telling yourself we're outside.

Of course. Ten more minutes go by. I'm pretty uncomfortable at this point. Get up from the table. I'm like, I'm not feeling well, guys. And I start to get into panic mode of, what am I going to do here? Because things are happening. There are no facilities here, as far as I can tell. No porta potty, no trash can, even.

Oh, no.

I'm trying to figure out what to do. I'm kind of panicking.

Can I ask quickly, are there woods close enough that you could go find some privacy? Okay. You're nothing in a five acre flat, grassy field. Luckily.

Luckily, no. I did make my way to the woods, though. As I was making my way to the woods, I saw this doggy bag that was used on the ground.

Oh, oh, oh.

Picked up the doggy bag.

Oh, wow.

Wow.

Great.

I'm going for all the resources I can at this point.

Oh, my God. This is our brain in panic mode.

Least bad choice.

Even if it's the worst bad choice, you'll do it.

I need options at this point.

Oh, my God.

I. I'm not quite to the woods yet, and everything happens. I'm fully shitting my pants.

Oh, are you wearing khakis? You're on a business trip.

Yeah, they're khakis, but I'm wearing boxer briefs, so things are pretty well contained.

Oh, that's a blessing.

I still have to deal with this, though. So I still keep going into the woods, get behind the biggest tree I could find, and I start taking off all my clothes. So take off my shoes, take off my socks, take off the pants, take off the underwear, clean up as best as I can with the good side of the underwear, throw the pants back on.

Did you consider taking off a sock? Cause I've had to do that. Oh, socks. Always a great. Another public service announcement. Your socks are there.

I hadn't considered that, but it would have been good too. So then I threw my clothes back on, so I was no longer naked in front of my coworkers behind the tree. Threw that nasty underwear into the doggy bag.

Was it tied up?

It wasn't. Someone had just kind of discarded it.

Mixed messages. Conscientious enough to bring a bag, but then leave it behind? Very confusing.

Well, as I mentioned, there did not appear to be a trash can. So they may have wanted to, but didn't want to bring it in their car with them.

Now you're in this situation.

Oh, I just left it behind.

Okay.

So now I emerge from the trees. The meeting is clearly breaking up. Now people are going back to the cars. I don't know if it was because of me, but, you know, they were like, okay, this meeting's over. We hopped into the car, and I immediately realized three things. The first is that I can still smell shit.

Fuck.

Which means that my boss and my other coworker can still smell shit.

Oh, fuck.

This is so bad, it gets worse. Oh, no.

Okay.

The second thing is that we're still a long way from anywhere. And the third thing is that this is definitely not over yet.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Oh, God. I thought the worst of it had happened.

I thought the doggy bag was gonna be the pinnacle.

I tell my boss, I say, I need to get to a bathroom. We're driving to get back to a civilization. And once we get back to civilization, I'm like, okay, there's a Dunkin donuts, east coast staple. They'll have a bathroom, no problem. It was a drive through only, so no public restroom. I'm starting to panic again. It's still coming on. So now we go to the grocery store across the street. I'm like, a grocery store has to have a bathroom. So I hop out of the passenger seat pretty much while the car was still moving. I book it in there. I ask a clerk. I was like, where's the bathroom? And they're like, it's in the opposite corner from where you are right now. So I had to go as far as I possibly could. Well, I made it to the door of the bathroom before I fully evacuated.

Again.

Again.

And you did even have any underwear and khakis.

No underwear.

Oh, this is terrible.

Oh.

Luckily, there was no one in the bathroom. Kind of had the bathroom to myself to clean myself, and more importantly, my pants up. So I was probably in there for. It had to be like, 20 minutes at least.

Oh, God. They're all in the car. Any fantasies you had of promotions and leading a team, like, they're all evaporating real time. You're just like, okay, I'm now this guy at the company.

You're like, I guess I have to quit.

Oh, my God.

I need a new career.

So I cleaned up, and I went back out to the car, and now I smell like even worse shit. I had to go into the trunk, and luckily we were going to another hotel that night, so I had all my clothes in the back of the car.

Oh, thank God.

Thank God.

So grab some clothes and like, sorry, guys, I gotta run back in. I go back in, and on my way back, I decided to grab one of those produce bags. Cause I had to pass by the produce department to get to the restroom.

You love a bag.

You never, ever pass over a bag.

Exactly. You never pass over a bathroom anymore either. I go and I get changed, and I throw the pants into the produce bag, double bag it, go back out to the car and get into the car. And now I realize that maybe shorts was a bad choice. Cause now I'm in a dress shirt, dress socks, and dress shoes and shorts. I look like I just shit my pants.

Yeah.

No other explanation.

So now we drive to this hotel, which is another 20 minutes away, get to the hotel, and we're getting all our crap out of the car. Now they're like, okay, let's lock up the car. And it's now that I realize that I can't lock the car because my keys have been in the pocket of the shit pants the entire time. So now the keys to the car are double bagged inside of the shit bag.

Wow, this is epic.

Making every wrong move.

But I had the bag at least.

Okay.

Yeah.

So you crack that open, you dig around in there, you get the keys.

So I had to go into the bathroom there. Got the keys out, locked the car up, couple side notes. Is that the next day we actually went back out to the same route again, drove it again. And as we passed by that same park, my boss just says, kind of under his breath, back to the scene of the crime. I was like, well, clearly I hadn't gotten away with anything. Everybody knew exactly what was going on the entire time, it seems.

I think I would have said that.

Yeah.

Try to make some levity. Kind of like, let some air out.

Yes. And they were really inconvenienced by this, too.

Oh, my God. Yeah, they added an hour to their day. I'm sure they were, like, trying to hit that hotel bar. And they're like, my God, what's he doing in there? Just fucking shit and be done with it.

Oh, my God.

You still work for the same company I do.

This is about a year ago.

Does it ever get brought up?

No. They're only going to find out because of this.

Okay.

Nothing was ever said between me and the two other guys, including my boss. Just that passing comment.

What's the smell?

I know. That's what I'm saying. There's a lot.

Everyone went through a lot.

But don't you think this is all in retrospect? No one can know what it's like when you're in this situation. But I feel like it would have been like, can you guys ride with somebody else back? Because I'm having an issue. Wouldn't that be a good plan?

Was there enough cars to accommodate that kind of shuffle?

Yeah, but we were all going to different places. It wasn't really practical.

I feel like I would have volunteered to ride in the trail. That's how codependent I am. I think I would have been like, either find me a motorcycle or let me in the trunk.

I'm gonna hitchhike home. I'll figure out my way.

Do you guys just get out of here? I would rather have to walk 100 miles than to sit with you guys in my shame.

Oh, wow.

Oh, Aaron, you survived. Congratulations. You really got tested.

One other quick side note. Is that the very next day, the arm chair anonymous. Was I poop myself at work?

No.

I've been waiting over a year for a poop prompt.

And was that comforting to hear that the next day? Like, yeah, I'm just wondering, one of the guys or gals?

It did feel comforting, but it was also very ironic and triggering.

Oh, lord.

Thanks for sharing.

Yeah, yeah.

Thank you.

All right, take care. Bye. You know, whenever we do these props, it just brings up so many of my poop stories. Yeah. My own personal.

I had diarrhea the other day.

You did?

Not in my pants.

Not in your pants. That's the key.

Like, I guess that's the point.

I was thinking when he was in the field, I know I've told you this, but we were up at the shark tank in San Jose doing some kind of a car show or in this field. I've used the bathroom before. I'm gonna ship myself. I cross this park. I go to the public bathroom, and I've told my body it's go time. And I pull the handle, and it's locked. They lock it at five minutes in the middle of San Jose. So even in this park that's wooded, it's still a public. I wander down into this ravine with some tree cover. I lean against a tree. I'm having at it, and I'm like, what on earth am I gonna wipe with? There was a bag of cotton balls sitting in the woods.

Oh, my God.

Ew.

And someone else had already pooped in the same spot. I was pooping.

And how do you know you saw poop?

I saw poop right next to the tree. I was like, okay, this happens.

And use cotton balls all over.

I don't remember if I saw used cotton balls, but I left a pile of cotton balls behind. Cause wiping your butt with cotton balls, you need to use so many cotton balls.

So many. Yes.

And I did. And I littered, and I'm sorry.

It's okay.

I was so panicked and desperate, and I was in my work outfit, my khaki pants, my purple shirt.

That makes sense. The cotton ball thing is still like, ugh. You can't overthink it. But the dog poop bag is really desperate.

I thought when he first said he was grabbing the dog poop bag that he was intending to poop on it.

Poop in it, yeah, exactly. And make a double poop on top of the dog.

No, just poop in the outdoors. That's okay. Once in a while, we can't have everyone doing it, but the forest can absorb the occasional emergency.

That's right.

Okay. That was another PSA. Heavy on PSA.

Very educational program.

Yeah.

All right, here's Beth.

Hi.

Hello.

It is so nice to see you guys.

Nice to meet you. Where are you at, Beth?

I am in Chattanooga, Tennessee. Ooh.

Ooh.

That's where I know it well. Well, Memphis, but nearby, people might not.

Know this, but Chattanooga, very good conversion van industry down there.

I did not know that.

It's best that you've had no experience with conversion vans, to be honest. Okay, so you had an accident. What time and place did this happen?

Okay, this story takes place on the day that I got married. Oh, no, this was back in 2012. The story starts there. It was a great wedding day, although it was raining, and they say that that's good luck, but I'm here to tell you that it's definitely not good luck to have it rain on your wedding day. So everything went beautifully without a hitch. We get married, everything was lovely. And we get into the getaway vehicle, and we start down the road. And about halfway down the road, I start to feel, like, sweaty. My hands are clammy. I'm feeling a little bit nauseated, and I'm like, okay, this is probably just post wedding jitters, if that's a thing.

How much did you drank?

Actually, none. So that wasn't a factor. So I was just thinking, you know, this will go away. It's fine. I told my husband. His name is Ben. Say, Ben, we need to pull over on the side of the road. I need you to unloose some of these button hooks on the back of my dress. My dress had previously been a little loose that morning, and all of a sudden it felt like it was suffocating me. And I'm like, I've got to get some breathing room in here. The only thing we have, because my husband's fingers couldn't do the loops, was like the end of a pin cap. So he's sitting there unlooping all the way down, and then there's a zipper, too. Unzip. I'm like, okay, you know, I feel better. So we continue on. We're going to stay at this cute little historic Inn downtown Chattanooga. We're super excited. We get there, the woman that runs the facility opens the door. She wants to take us on this full tour.

Oh, no.

The first room or two in, I'm like, okay, I'm really not feeling good. I start sweating again. I'm getting clammy. I'm like, I need a bathroom. So I have to, like, interrupt her. She's like, look at this great room. I'm like, ma'am, I'm so sorry. I have got to use the bathroom. She like, points me down the hallway where our room is, and I literally take off running, and I barely make it to the toilet, and I throw up.

Oh, no.

All of the contents of our wedding meal, like, every bit of it, into the toilet. The next 4 hours are spent with me just profusely vomiting. So I tell Ben, look, we're supposed to fly out of Atlanta to the Dominican Republic tomorrow morning. I'm not going to be able to make this flight if I'm like this. So we need to get to the emergency room so I can get some fluids. I knew I was super dehydrated, so we decided to do that. And it also occurs to me there was a stomach bug that was going through my husband's side of the family a whole week prior to our wedding. We thought it had skipped us. It clearly had not.

Well, that's better than the alternative, which is you all ate the same food and everyone's been poisoned at your wedding.

That was kind of our first thought. And then we're like, no, that's. That's not it. We actually spend the whole entire first night of our honeymoon at the ER. That's actually where I found out that I have a bad reaction to Finnegan. So interesting way to find that out.

What's Finnergan?

Finnegan. It's a anti nausea medication.

Okay.

Makes me a little bit crazy.

What version of crazy? Just antsy and uncomfortable.

Restless legs. I could not stay still. Ben was trying to sleep in the chair next to me. I kept, like, flailing and hitting him in the face.

Oh, my God. He's like, this is the rest of my life.

Yeah. Awful. So they discharge us in perfect amount of time to be able to get to the airport to fly to the Dominican Republic. We get to the airport, we fly to the Dominican. I'm still feeling not great. I'm still having to get up to go to the bathroom and throw up really quick.

Not to embarrass you, but no diarrhea yet. It's just vomiting no diarrhea yet.

This is all northward explosion. We get to our room. It's later on in the evening, this is the next day, I'm feeling slightly better, but still not 100%. And we had spent extra money on this room. And it was this beautiful two level room. There was a rooftop terrace, beautiful view overlooking the ocean. There was a pool on the rooftop terrace, a beautiful white day bed right by the pool, and a shower. So that night I'm feeling a little bit better. And my husband's like, we should sleep upstairs on the rooftop terrace on this white daybed. I'm like, you know, that's a great idea. Feeling a little better. Let's do it.

I love how many times you've said white daybed. Yeah, I love it.

Really good.

The foreshadowing is, yes, it's really good.

It might mean nothing. So I'm feeling kind of sexy, you know, I put on this lingerie, it's a black teddy with an open back. Oh, I'm feeling it. So we get to the rooftop terrace, we finish fooling around. We start drifting to sleep. We're cuddled up together. So I'm the little spoon. So my backside is to my husband, who is naked, and he's the big.

Spoon on this daybede, backless.

Let's remember there's nothing going on under there. We start drifting off to sleep. And I feel this little urge to fart.

Sure.

And we're at this point in our relationship where we haven't farted in front of each other yet.

Oh, even though you were married?

Some couples don't do that.

Yeah, no judgment, just interesting shock.

Shock and awe.

That has changed. We're laying there, I make sure that he's asleep right before I let this fart go. He's asleep. I'm like, okay, I'm good. I'm outside. What's the worst that can happen? Happen? So I let it go. And I let it go. And it was not a fart by any means. It was a massive explosion of diarrhea.

Oh, no, no, no. Projecting all over his private part, his groin area.

Oh, yeah.

Penis and testicle. We would never even be so audacious to have a prompt of tell us the time. You've shit on someone's penis and balls. But this is, I love this so much.

I'm screaming at this point. Oh, and Ben wakes up to the screaming. He's still kind of in a stupor, you know, like he was dead asleep. And I start screaming.

I pooped, I pooped, I pooped.

Like, just yelling it as loud as I can.

Hotel security is gonna come.

Ben fully realizes what happened, and he looks down, and he's laying in this pool of poo. Then he starts yelling. So we're both yelling on this rooftop terrace. We finally calm ourselves down, and he is so chivalrous. I married such a sweet man. He's like, go ahead. Go downstairs. Clean yourself up. I'll clean all of this up. It's okay. So I do. And we eventually go back to sleep, but he gets sick the next day. Of course.

Of course he does.

The interesting thing about this room is that we actually had two bathrooms. But over the course of the first 24 hours, the second toilet stopped working, so we were fighting each other for the one bathroom. Our days consisted of us taking long walks down to the beach. And I say long because we'd have to stop at all the bathrooms on the way. Oh, my God. We'd lay out on the cabana, fall asleep. Cause we're so exhausted. And then a long walk back.

This could have been a part of the bad honeymoon prompt.

Yeah.

True. Yes. That is how our honeymoon literally went down the toilet.

Oh.

Had everyone cleared through it by the end of the trip, or did you guys return home with him? Still battling it.

So our honeymoon was five days, and it took the full five days.

Oh, God.

I don't know what kind of virus this was, but it was like, montezuma's revenge. I have never had anything like this before. Some of our family members, they were supposed to be flying back home from our wedding, and they had to delay their flights for, like, three days. So it was, like, intense. But we were fine. By the time we flew back, we both lost ten pounds.

Oh, my God.

We don't have qualms about any of that stuff anymore. You know, we'll open the door and just talk to each other as we're pooping, like, hey, kind of.

Also a loving story.

Sweet.

There's something about it I find very sweet.

The daybed's trashed, though, right? I mean, how good of a job. He didn't have a power washer or bleach.

He just threw some pool water.

Oh, okay. Resourceful.

I'm hoping they sanitize that stuff, but I guess I don't know.

Oh, Monica's.

I know.

Biggest fear.

I know. Wow. That's a great story.

Thank you. You guys are my favorite. I've been in armchair since literally, day one. My husband and I both have, and I was wondering if I could introduce you to my husband and my son, this valiant man.

Yes, of course. Let's get him in.

Okay. Ben, come on in. If you can hear me, we were at the armchair live in Nashville. And it was on that trip we actually decided we wanted to have kids. Previously. We decided we didn't. So when we were trying to figure out names for our son, we chose shepherd and named him shepherd after you. And it's spelled the same way.

Oh, my God.

That is so sweet. Oh, there's a little shepherd.

He kind of looks like you, Dax.

Hi there.

Poor little buddy. He broke his femur a couple weeks ago, so he's in a full spike a cast. It's like full body.

You're a nurse? I'm gathering, yes. Trampoline.

Bouncy house.

Bounty houses. I was saying they're dangerous.

You say hi.

Oh, he's a rascal. I can see. Hey, well done cleaning up that day bed with the pool water. Roll up your sleeves.

I was in it at that point. Ring was on my finger.

That's right.

That's right. For better or worse. And started with the worst through sickness and health.

We really proved that one out of the gate.

Oh, that's so good.

Well, it's such a pleasure to meet such a beautiful family.

Thank you. It is so nice to meet you guys. We love y'all. I hope you have a great rest of your day.

Oh, thank you. Bye. Feel better, shepherd. He's a rascal. I knew it.

Oh, my God. He's so cute. Oh, my God. That guy was hot.

I know.

Shit on. Oh, my God.

Stands by his woman also.

That's like your fantasy.

I know.

That honeymoon.

That's what I was thinking. That's what I was literally thinking.

You would have been so horny on that day. Oh, my God.

You wouldn't even clean the bed up.

I don't roll it around in the bed. Leave it. You would have looked at him and said, your turn. Oh, they always deliver. I don't know why we don't do it more often.

It was really fun. We can't do it every time. I mean, I know you do.

Right now it seems like we're doing it yearly, but I think we could handle semi annually. Is that.

I think we're doing it more than year.

Personally, I think we had been doing it, like, every other month at first.

Yeah.

And we burned out and ran out of places to poop.

Well, we're back, baby. We buckle up for maybe twice a year. They're so good.

They're great.

Nothing enacts my sense of empathy more when they start saying their hands are sweating. I know. I am there.

Me too.

More than any of these other stories.

Yeah, it was fun.

All right. Love you.

Love you.

Do you want to sing a tune or something?

When it was a theme song.

Okay, great. We don't have a theming song for this new show, so here I go, go, go. We're gonna ask some random questions, and with the help of armchairs, we'll get some suggestions. On the fly rhyme dish. On the fly rhyme dish. Enjoy.