Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Expert. I'm Dax Sheppard. I'm joined by Monica Padman.

That's us.

How are you doing?

Pretty good. My ear reed.

You're in it a lot. I've been watching you dig in it with your pinkie.

I know. I feel like there's bugs that went in there.

God, this reminds me of my favorite thing I think I've told you in the past. And weirdly, this guest, this is the perfect time to say this. Okay. Because Bobby Lee lets it all hang out. Yeah, he does. So Bre was in Guatemala. You know about this. And she had a crazy ear infection. Yeah. And then she ultimately finally went to the doctor, and the doctor pulled out the most beautiful object I've ever seen in my life. It was like, if you can imagine when they cut off a pretty huge hunk of hard cheese, like out of a cheese wheel. It was big, and it was cobalt blue. Yeah. Is it opaque? It was impossibly blue. No, it was just... It was gorgeous. If you look at her faces on that quill, it was that color. It did not look like a color a human being could create.

Do you think it was something got in there? Maybe that was a rock that got in her ear.

Or a pen. It looked so unhuman, but it was undeniably beautiful. It looked like a crazy jewel had been. Did she keep it? Yes. So she came home with this plastic cylinder, and we would just lay in bed and stare at the thing and hold it up to the light. In fact, I have half a mind to ask her if she still has it. What treasure.

That is a A treasure. Oh, my God. A life's treasure.

Okay, listen, I had so much fun in this fucking interview. I mean, this really was so much fun.

It was.

I love Bobby Lee. He is so funny and honest. Really funny. And wonderful. And cheers to Wabi Wab, who has been for a long time saying, You got to get Bobby in. He's so great. And we finally did, and I'm so glad. Bobby Lee was on Mad TV for years. He was in Borderlands, The Dictator, Pineaple Express. And he has two very, A very popular and successful podcast, both Tiger Belly and Bad Friends. And alas, he is here today to talk about his new movie, Sweet Dreams. So guys, just really hop in a lawn chair and pour some sun tea because this is a real party. Please enjoy Bobby Lee.

He's an up-chair expert.

He's an up-chair expert.

He's an up-chair expert. Hey, if you guys don't mind, I'm going to do some tobacco for my gums because my gums get sick. Okay, that's good. They get really achy, so I need tobacco for them.

I had this same element on my gums up until January first. Oh, really? Yeah, I'm 100 days off.

But can I just say something? Your gums seem like it's missing the stuff.

They look unhealthy, don't they? They miss you, that tobacco. You were offered all the things.

I mean, this guy I've known for so long. I don't trust him. Can I do this like this? Oh, yeah.

I mean, I was supposed to say that by bad?

Chris Cross Applesauce. Is it bad Indian style? What does that mean? We're just sitting.

Well, that's what's interesting. It begs the question, are they referring to Native Americans or people from India? It makes the most sense people from India. Then I don't know why that's offensive. If they invented that style of sitting.

I don't think they invented it. Exactly. I don't think they invented it. It's, I guess, probably relating to how they sit for prayer.

But you know how people do this? This is not China style, is it? I don't know.

No, for sure. Oh, maybe. Well, look, this is known in social sciences. The reason Asians are so good at math is because of rice production, because there's so much math in rice production. Are you being real right now? I'm being dead real. Just like Westerners' brains evolved because they learn to read from Martin Luther's spreading literacy, their brain physically changed. There is lots of science behind the math in the rice production because there's so much math in it.

Can I just say something, Dax? Yes. Before you podcasted, I thought, He's a good actor. He's a funny guy. Then you started this and it was just like, Oh, my God, he's smart, too. It drives me crazy. Why do you do all of it? Anyway, I've always wanted to do this. I'm so glad I'm here. Monica, it was really good to meet you, and thank you for having me.

You got it down? What? My name.

Monica. Yeah, that's right.

He practiced before you came up.

I go, Who's that? Then I forgot it was Monica. Then I go, Monica, Monica, in my mind. You know what I mean? It's good to see you, Monica. It's good to see you, too.

Well, also, it is a painting of her. It's not the most photorealistic painting. Now, if you were to confuse that painting, that's That's a bummer because that's baby Monica.

I already know that because I asked Rob, Who's that? Is that Dax's child? Yeah. It's Monica's baby.

In some ways, yes.

Is that not the cuteest baby you've ever seen?

Genetically great. Thanks. Yeah. I'm pretty sure the insides are good, too.

The insides are doing okay.

But what a beautiful baby. I was a kid, baby. You have a little brother?

Steve, yeah. How much younger?

He's three years younger, and I'm proud of him. He has 15 years sober, which is great. None of us have kids or anything.

No, I more meant family disease. Oh, really? Yes. Oh, yeah. Everyone in my family is either sober or it went the other way.

Let me ask you about this. A lot of people think that alcoholism is hereditary, and then some people think it's trauma and things of that nature that turns somebody alcoholic. What is your take on it?

I have heard said, I think Burna Brown said this, that genetics is the gun and trauma is the bullet. I believe there's a genetic predisposition to it. But I also think that if you have trauma and you can no longer self-regulate and you already have this gene, of course that's going to happen.

It's a combo. Genetic slows the gun and trauma pulls the trigger.

Oh, that's it. Much better.

What you're saying to me is, I was born Bobby Lee, but I lived with the Asian version of the Huxtables, aside from Bill Cosby. Yeah, because that's That's drama right there. That's drama. That's right. Let me do another family. The Cleavers.

The Cleavers, thank you. A lot of repression there.

Yeah, a lot of repression. The Bunkers. Who are they? Archie Bunker.

Archie. Well, he's abusive verbally.

Yeah, he's also racist, right? Yeah, That would be great.

That wouldn't be good. But in a very terming way.

What's another TV family that I could do? I know one. Jean-lou Picard's son. Wait. Jean-lou Picard from Star Trek: Next Generation. If he had a son, he's a good guy. I was the captain's son. I lived on the enterprise. Oh, okay. Right. I'm also mixed with I see war, a Klingon and Romulan. I'm cultured almost.

Hold on. You don't feel other.

You're cultured, but you are also imbroiled in war and adrenaline. Can we go with the Sievers? Do you remember I remember them.

It's my life, but okay.

Do you remember the Sievers? No. Who's the Sievers? He has since become a very big Christian.

No, I don't want to know.

No, but that's the actor. I don't want to say Chris. My first agent was his mother. Yeah.

Sievers was Full House, Candice Cameron's brother, right? Cameron.

Remember Kurt Cameron's show? What's that show called? Yes. Growing Pains.

Growing Pains. The Rowing Pains.

They were the Sievers. They were the Sievers. I think that's the one we land on because they were liberal.

But Kirk Cameron has a brother. Is Kirk Cameron my brother?

No, he's not your brother. Well, not Kirk Cameron. The character is your brother.

But deep down, there's still some hardcore Christianity.

No, that's not present in Mike Sievert.

He doesn't come to Christianity until much later in life.

Why can't I just go back to the Huxtables? Because then he's playing Dr. Huxtable.

He's not Bill Cosby. We're fine. Let's go with the Huxtables. All roads will be back to the Huxtables.

Let's go back. If I was a part of the Huxtables, but I had the gene, I wouldn't have been an alcoholic. Is that what you're saying? Because I had such a great upbringing?

Well, look, I'm about to find out, right? Because I have two little kids who have my genes. There isn't a break in the cycle that I can see. I'm about to do that show, Finding your Roots. Maybe we'll find a shepherd that wasn't an alcohol. To my knowledge, there wasn't one. We're about to find out, really, because thus far, at least, my kids haven't experienced the stuff I did.

Wow. Do you lay in bed worrying about it?

I don't. You know, my dad was enormously cool about this because my dad was sober. He got sober when I was 14.

In 12 Yeah, in AA.

He watched me go through the whole ride and clearly knew what was going on. He was so chill about it. He's like, Look, you know where to come. You've been to meetings with me. When you're ready, I know you won't go till you're ready, so I'm just hanging. My mother was terrified, but he had the most chill disposition about it.

He understands what you need to go through to get sober. He probably feels bad because he knows that you're going to go through a lot of spiritual pain and whatnot. But he knows that there's a home and there's a hope for you. Unlike my parents were old-school Koreans, they didn't really speak English. They don't know what alcoholism is, even though my dad was an alcoholic. My dad kept calling AA, Why you go, Ah? It's AA. I don't know. You understand what I'm saying?Smack, smack, smack.Yeah, smack, smack, smack, smack, bang. He was a violent rageaholic. Then when I went to rehabs in high school, they wouldn't really go to the parental, the group therapies and stuff because they just didn't understand. They felt uncomfortable.

Culturally, it's so white to do group therapy. Group therapy.

Yeah. Well, therapy at all. Therapy at all, yes. It's tough.

But then I think group's even like another life. It's like X games.

I did group therapy with my dad one time. It was called Knees to Knees. I was at the McDonald's Center in La Hoya. It's no longer there, but it's a rehab. The families come, they all form a gigantic circle in the auditorium. Then there's two chairs in the center of the circle, and a father and a son or a mother and a daughter, whatever, they get in the center of the circle and they touch knees. Then the son reveals something about their past that their parents don't know. I told my dad that I was molested by a with down syndrome.

I unfortunately heard you tell this story. When I was living in Minnesota.

Is this real? No, this is real. Okay.

I got worried. It's going to be hard for us. You should hear him trying to tell this story to two other comedians on their podcast, and they're prepared to hear him say he got molested. They've braced themselves. Then he hits them with the down syndrome, and then he hits them with every day for a whole summer.

Now they think- Are you keep adding on? Yes.

Every time we get stable.

Oh, my. Okay.

Anyway, tell my dad that. Then there was this pause in the room, and he He laughed. He laughed. Then my brother and my mom start laughing. Then I start laughing. Then everyone starts laughing. It was so weird.

It's weird, but is it nice? It was like you broke some tension.

It felt good. To get it out because that was in me.

It probably would have been worse if everyone started crying. Wouldn't you have felt even more like, Oh, God?

Yeah, maybe. I don't know. But in retrospect, it was a funny experience, I guess, a memory. I think for people on the outside who haven't grown up in a lot of chaos, that's That sounds crazy, but I definitely think if you're under fire a lot, it's the only option.

Every family I knew that was in the situations I was in or all my friends who were divorced parents and stepdads running through or boyfriends that are alcohol, everyone had a huge sense of humor about it. I don't think you had an option.

We were talking about what causes it. Now I'm getting a better understanding about why I think I am who I am. Yes. Thank you so much for clearing. I've thought about it for years, and I never thought maybe it could be both.

Well, I think everyone wants more than anything just for efficiency and laziness, for everything to be one explanation. There's a chapter in this Malcolm Gladwell book about airplane crashes. It's never one thing. An airplane almost never crashes because the wing broke or the engine went out. It's always four or five things go wrong, and it hits critical mass, and then it crashes. I think we're the same. To try to figure out the silver bullet of addiction, I think, is not realistic. How old were mom and dad when they came from Korea, and were they together when they were there already? No.

My dad came first, made it to LA, late '60s. Then my mom's brother-in-law knew my dad's brother. They met through that. But my mom didn't like my dad because he drank a lot and he was weird. Already? Yeah, already. I guess he was stalking her or whatever. But then she moved to Wisconsin. Oh, my goodness. Then he followed her there.Double down.He doubled down. Yeah. Which in the '60s was romantic, now it's scary. But he showed up with steak. I guess Koreans really like meat.

The barbecues were on every block.

Yeah. He bought this nice piece of steak and brought it to her house, and I guess that one are over.

It is romantic. Yeah.

That makes me sad for her that it worked that quickly.

My mom, during the Korean War, she witnessed her sister, my aunt, get run over by a military truck. She had to go up to the house, grab rice bags with my grandmother and my grandfather, my uncles and aunts, and they had to pick my aunt up, her body parts. It's okay. How old was she? This is awful. It's fine. You would I would have done well with crying.

We lived through it.

How old was she? She was eight or nine years old.

Older sister or younger sister?

Younger. No, older, older, older, older, rageaholic, rageaholic, violent guy. Just trauma on top of trauma on top of trauma. Old-school immigrants, they get layers of skin to protect their heart.Pacoderm.Yeah.Yeah. When my dad died, she was devastated, obviously. But you could also see weight lifted. Relief, yeah. It was weird. She could breathe.

She's been attached to a time bomb that went off all the time and just anticipating their next explosion. How fucking stressful.

If I hear a loud noise, I instantly go into trauma. He was one of those explosive guys. You just be eating with the family, and then he would just overturn the table.

I always wanted to do that. Sometimes I wish I was a worst person because I've seen it in movies and I have wanted to do it. Me too.

I've wanted to do it. Yeah, right?

It seems like the ultimate dad movie.

Or the tablecloth thing.

Oh, that's more of a magic. Yeah, still.

There's two things involving table I've always wanted to do.

Yeah, we could do the latter, no problem.

Because that's not as dramatic as the table clock. That's cool.

No, everyone's like, Whoa. The other one is like, I need alcohol or something to regulate myself.

Now, if I'm at a coffee shop or whatever, and I hear anything, I instantly go into that flight mode. I'm more of a freezer. In fact, it seeped into auditions.

Can I ask just really quickly, when dad would get that way, would you try to basically just disappear, to be invisible so that you didn't catch the wrath?

You were always going to get the wrath. There was no running, so I think I resorted more to freeze. So I would just freeze and take it. I tried to run away from home a couple of times, but I always came back.

Would you try to cheer mom up in these moments? Is this the birth of comedy? I'm not even... I know it's such a cheesy question.

Over time, I built resentment toward her for not really protecting us. There was a time where I was mad at her as well. She would also not close fist punch you, but she would be very physical with you, too.

Culturally, I only have one other friend I've talked about this with. Her parents are from Korea. She was actually born in Korea. But she's like, No, I got my ass kicked. That's what they do. That's what they do. Do you think maybe culturally, it wasn't even unique to your dad. Yeah, maybe bow.

That's cultural, too. Maybe pick that version. Yeah, do something other than that. Right. But Yeah, it was cultural. Also, they didn't speak a lot of English.

Did they feel estranged from you at all? Or obviously, you speak Korean? No. You don't?

I know six words. Oh, my God. I can understand it. If I watch Squid Games, I don't need the subtitles, maybe. I don't know, but I still do.

Do you watch Physical 100?

Are you a Physical 100? My favorite show.

Are you asking me, Am I Physical 100? No, this is a show. It's a Korean reality show that I'm obsessed with. Who has the best physique?

Is it good?

It's incredible.

They're all Koreans?

They're all Korean. Well, there's a couple of Whities in there. Oh, really? Yeah. I'm so curious how these Whities found themselves in Korea in this reality show about bodies. I'm very interested in those.

Is that on Netflix?

It's on Netflix. I'm going to watch it. There's two seasons, and it's phenomenal. Okay, Physical 100. But I have a great suspicion that the dubbing isn't at all what they're saying, and I really need someone to solve that for me.

Okay. I'll be the guy. You'll take that on. Me and that person will do it. Also, there's certain words in Korean that you can't even translate into English.

Right.

There's no comp. There's one word because me, my friend Jean and dumbfounded were at Korean restaurant the other day, and there's a A word called nunji. Nunji. Say it with me.

I'm afraid. I love it.

We're not allowed.

I'm so sorry.

Nunji.

I want to. I can tell it feels good. When I'm by myself tonight in my shower, I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it alone. Yes, I'm going to do it alone. You're going to love it. It's great. Because it's just the... Like that groan.

Yeah. It's just groan it out for us.

Because you want to get the spirit of it before you even get...

Dude, you know about words, huh?

You're the best. Hit me one more time. Nunji. I feel like you're about to draw a sword on me.

But it's not a bad word. It's a great word. Oh, great.

What's it be?

Even better. So nunji is instinct, but it's far more than that. It's about etiquette. It's about reading.

Like reading the room?

Yeah, reading the room is a part of it.

Knowing your place, maybe? Yeah.

Let's say I'm going to a red carpet event, which I do often.

Of course. I constantly see you at those.

I'm bringing a date who's not in the business, right?

Of course. Try to wow them.

Yeah, I'm trying to wow them. It really works. I know. Red carpets really do it.

They're very bright. They get your attention.

Yeah. Then I'm maybe taking a photo with somebody people know. But then if my date goes, Can I get a selfie with you?

She doesn't know nun-chi.

She doesn't know nun-chi.

Oh, I see. You go, No nun-chi. But I don't say it. I'll let you say it.

It's like social awareness.

That's exactly what it is. Social awareness is a part of it as well. Okay. So nunchi is a word in Korean. So maybe when you're watching your reality show, some of the words aren't translated correctly.

Well, that's true. They're like, there's not even a direct translation.

The irony The thing is, if we had said that right now on the podcast, we wouldn't have it.

Oh, correct. It would have been a display that we don't have it.

We wouldn't be socially aware if we were saying it.

I don't understand. Please, Monica.

We're not allowed to say the word.

Well, you can say the word, nunchi.

You just can't do what I'm going to do in the shower.

One more time.

Because I want to get it right tonight.

Nunji. Fuck.

That sounds really nice.

Why don't people have nunji?

Well, do you think all Koreans have nunchi? Obviously, the word exists because people don't have nun-chi. That's why they got to point it out. The bigger question is, why is that so important there that it requires its own word? I would argue that in a more collectivist mentality, tall poppy is a bigger thing or individuality or these things that you would stick out from the group might be a little higher stakes.

That makes sense.

Whereas here, no nun-chi is almost rewarded hourly.

Oh, it is?

Don't you see? The person does go get a with someone they shouldn't. Then they pause and then you get a bunch of attention and no one's going like, Why is it?

I'm going to tell you the worst nunci, no nunci story you've ever heard.

This should be a children's book, Noonche.

Actually, that's a girl band. No doubt, but no nunci. We'll I'm Orange County. We are No Nunchi. You have to be the singer, Monica.

Oh, my God.

That's her worst. No Nunchi. When I was on Mad TV many, many years ago, this is probably 2001, 2002, obviously, you've been to the upfronts. Yeah, If you get on a show and it gets picked up, they fly all the networks in one week. Every night is a different network. So Tuesday, it's Fox night or whatever. And so they fly you out, nice hotel. Sidebar.go ahead.

Fun as flights in the world because you're there with all these actors you recognize. The best. In fact, if you're really obsessed with celebrity, that would be the move is just book yourself on a flight in New York, LA. Around that time, you're going to see seven or eight.

And you also feel like, Oh, am I cool? A part of this? Yes.

One of my favorite ones, sorry, another sidebar. I'm about to fly to the upfront. I'm in the first class lounge LA, and Will or Not happens to have a show on NBC. I have a show on NBC, and then Jason Ritter has a show on NBC. The three of us go into the bathroom. We're peeing at three urinals. Some poor guy in a stall is pooping, I guess. Losing his ass. He farts so loud in the middle of this, and Arnett goes, Get some. It's so funny. He threw a get some out. I found the three of us just started laughing so fucking hard. But you're never at the first Claus Lange with 10 comedians on I'm in the toilet with you. Yeah. Wow, wow, wow. Okay. So upfronts, yes, they try you out.

I met this girl in a AA meeting, and she was super hot, open mic or comedian. I thought she was very attractive. This is a month before upfronts. Then she made it seem like maybe there's something. Like an idiot, I'm like, Hey, do you want to go to the upfronts with me?

Oh my God, Bobby. No, like, okay. This is terrible. This is the worst idea I've ever heard in my life.

She's a comedian. She wanted to go.

Precisely.

The worst move I ever made in my life. Talk about No Nunchi. No Nunchi, dude. Right, so now we're at the gala.

You're bringing her to events, not just to the hotel on the trip.

Yes, to the Fox dinner gala. There's one table filled with people from That 70's show. The other table is from American Idol.

8 It's next TV time.

Yeah. I'm sitting there and I forgot who me and Mike McDonald goes. Look at your date right now. Oh, boy.

By the way, Michael McDonald is the best person to find.

He's one of the funniest people on planet Earth. I look and this girl is giving her a business card. Oh, No. To the President of Fox. Gail Bermon. Gail Bermon at the time.

She was a Goliath in the industry. Goliath. She was, yeah. She was one of the legendary.

I see her basically saying, I'm a comedian, and I've been doing all these shows. Just check me out. She's shooting her shot. I sprint. If I could turn into the yellow Hulk, I would. I would rage. I grab her, not violently, in a very light, gentle grab.

Hey, they I wanted to talk to you about something over here. You just got a phone call.

Yeah, something like that. I go, Can I talk to you for a second? This is how big Gail Bermond is.

It's not as if I never met her. Well, right. I'm imagining you are there, the 70s show's there. Those are huge stars. You're on year two of Mad TV or year one. You almost feel like you don't even belong. Now your date is cold calling the president.

I went from Open Mic to a TV show. I went from homelessness to getting an apartment.

You just took your first first class flight, probably.

Yes. It was dreamy.

The first hotel you can't park your car in front of the door. Yeah. There's a lot of first head.

I gently touch her arm. May I speak to you for a second? I went into like, What the fuck are you doing? She's like, Well, I'm a community. I'm just networking. Then I had to spend another two days with her. She slept on the couch or something. Yeah, or in the hall. There was nothing sexual or anything like that.

This is my point about America, though, because America is riddled with this lure of people doing exactly what she did. You hear all these stories. I slipped so and so my tape while they were eating dinner. Enough of those things worked out that that has fueled a lot of people doing no nunci all over the place.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. For real. I just think that instinctually, though, I mean, how is that not ingrained into one's body. For instance, when I was coming up in open mics, I was in San Diego and I was a doorman. Every weekend, we would get big headliners to play the weekend. I mean, at the time, they were big guys like Carlos Mencia and Pauly Shore, these types of guys.

This is who you end up opening for.

We opened for them over the weekends. They came up to me and go, Hey, you're funny. Then once they started a conversation, then I can talk. But in no way would I go up to them out of nowhere and go, Hey, I'm Bobby. That's insane.

The audacity.

I'm on the path. That was ingrained in me not to do that. I just don't understand why people don't have that.

I'm the same as you. This show has complicated that because obviously I need guests at times, and I'm like, even calling someone who I think would even want to be on the show, I'm like, Oh, God, here we go. It's painful to do that.

Get somebody else to do it.

Well, we have certain people, but then they can't get to the person. I do it mainly.

But if it's someone that Dax knows personally, he needs to do it.

Yes. And it's very, very hard for me. I burn up inside when I'm doing it.

I stopped doing it. There's no- There's no reward worth. Not only that, I feel like I'm stalking my friends. It's the worst feeling. So I just decided to get other people to do it.

Aren't there exceptions? Like, what about Brad Pitt? If you were best friends with him?

No Brad Pitt. If I had Brad Pitt's phone number, all I would do at night is just stare at it all day. I know, right?

I do reread some of our exchanges.

Oh, I mean, you're so blessed. What are they? I'm nothing. They're all about motor sports.

Oh, really? He's my number one. I tell this too often here, but I know you'll really get a kick out of it. My friend Kareem and I, years ago, we were talking about how much we love Brad Pitt, and I said, This is the level at which I love him. If he and I were going up to Santa Barbara for the weekend together, and halfway there, he's like, Shit, I think we got a flat tire, and then pulled over and said, Will you check on the tire? If I got out and looked at the tire and it was fine, and then he drove away and left me on the side of the road, I would go, What a free spirit. There's no amount of abuse that I wouldn't somehow take.

Yeah, that's so fucking funny. I know people that know him, and he loves comedy, I heard. Yes.

Look, he goes and does Dave's show. He did Jackass back in the day. Marc Maron's podcast.

He's a supporter. He's just a great guy, but don't ever mention his name again. I just get really juicy. I understand.

We all do.

That's not a sexual way.

It can be sexual. Inevitably, because people know I'm so obsessed with him, they'll go like, Well, what would you do with him physically? Yeah, what?

How far would you go?

Yeah, how far would I go? I think I really would kiss him. Would you kiss him?

In what way?

Would you make out with him?

Oh, my God. Pongs? Yeah. If he's consenting- I'm trying to give you the best- You're going to give me your honest answer. Complete honest. Yes. Now, I'm me or am I someone different? No, you're you. I'm Bobby Lee, who I'm at now in my life. You guys are hanging.

He goes, I would fucking love to kiss you, Bobby.

And we're private. We're not out.

No, right. You're not at a restaurant.

We're in my car.

No. No, that's too intimate. No, that's too intimate. You are in public, but no one's looking.

We're at the outfront.

You're at a hike. You're on a hike, and there's nobody around.

Okay, there's no one around. There's a gigantic tree.

You get to the very peak up here in Griffith Park.

I'm not going to get that high. Okay, shit. That's right. Because then you get you out of breath to kiss, and you think you do a bad job. Yeah, I'm exhausted.

It's the beginning of the hike. No one's sweating yet. I would have to ask questions.

Okay, go ahead.

I'm Brad.

All right. Can I just say something?

You wouldn't say, Hey, Brad. Because you guys were- Hold on.

You already fucked it up. Stop, stop, stop.

Brad would then go, I wanted to kiss you, but then you said, Hey, Brad, and now I don't want to kiss you anymore. We're just hanging. I'm Brad.

I need some questions before we write the situation. Some more parameters. Have I hung out with him before?

Yes, we're friends. Now start referring to me as that. Oh, no. Now this is how I'm doing. We're friends. We hang out a lot.

Dude, what you texted me last night was so funny.

Oh, my God, thanks. I stole that from someone else. Oh, you did? Yeah. The last time we hiked, I was thinking, I would not mind kissing Bobby. I just wanted to mind at all. I think I want to kiss you.

Yeah, I'll probably kiss you. I do, hypothetically. Why are you laughing?

You just can't pass up. Do you know how many women would cut off a finger to experience kissing him? I would do it. I would do it. You'd have to do it. I guess my answer for it has always been everything up till shirt's off, standing, kissing.

Okay, you and Brad, you guys are on a cruise. Oh, wow. He's on a cruise, dude. The cruise goes down. Oh, fuck. You guys are the lone survivors. You're on an island. Brad seems like he knows everything. So he knows how to filter water.

He's made us a shelter.

Right, there's a shelter. And now, a year's go by, you guys have beards.

Oh, so he looks just like Legends of the Fall when he going on a weird boat trip. Yeah, you're smoking opium at the bottom of the boat.

You look like Tom Hanks from Castaway.

Oh, can I look? I wouldn't let him kiss me if I look like No, he deserves better.

Because you don't like too much shellfish.

Can't I look like Hemsworth or something?

No, you're that guy. You're on the island.

You're on the island. You can't work out.

Okay. Now, would you go beyond kissing?

I'm going to give you a sincere answer. I don't think we can know what it's like. I'm sincere. Are you being real? I'm being real. You're right. I don't know. I don't know what it's like to have spent an entire year on an island, come to accept that I'm never getting off this island. I'm with this person, and if I want to have any sexuality while I'm still on planet Earth before I die, it's going to have to be with this person. I don't know what that whole context does, right?

You're so right. I don't know.

I don't know. People need intimacy. I think you would, and maybe it wouldn't be supervision, but you guys would cuddle.

Because on I meant, it gets really cold at night.

Exactly.

Cuddling, I'd be fine with right out of the gate. My best friend Aaron and I will cuddle.

Yeah. But if you started getting aroused day two, would you question yourself like, Why am I getting aroused?

I think about- Day two is early.

It's too soon? I feel very confident in saying I wouldn't get aroused cuddling him on day two. Okay. But a year in to this experience, cuddling, I don't know. You neither. I don't even really want to answer.

Let's leave it at that.

We don't know.

That's a TBD. Tom Hardy, six months. Tom Hardy for me, six months.

Okay. Yeah. Is he above Brad Pitt?

Yeah. Clint Eastwood, never.

No.

Okay. He says 90 something.

I would want to take care of him and nurture him as he gets older.

You feel like you were taking advantage a little bit.

A little bit.

Yeah. What do they call that?Elder abuse?

Yeah. Yeah, elder abuse. Yeah.

Stay tuned for more Firefire Expert, If You Dare. Back to.

Let's get off the island.

But listen, that girl, that's worth exploring.

What girl you're talking about? The girl-No, Nunji. The girl that you took. No, Nunji, girl. Years later, you stopped seeing her around. I heard she got married, had kids. Oh, good. She got out of the game.

Have you had that sense that girls want to be with you because they want to be close to comedy and they want to be in the world of it? I feel like she would have confirmed my worst fear if I were you in the way she behaved immediately when she had the opportunity. What would have been going on is not only my fear of, now I'm going to get kicked out of this party I just got invited to, and I mean that metaphorically. Additionally, fuck. Some voice in my head was like, this girl doesn't really like me. She just wants to be closer to the flame. Was any of that happening?

At the time, it was new because before I got onto Matt TV, I wasn't an incel, but it wasn't like I had a lot of options.

You weren't dating a ton.

Yeah, maybe once a year, I would get lucky and make out with somebody.

Because you partied a lot, and that helps.

I was sober then. I got sober at 17 to the age of 30.

First of all, let's take one second to say that that is nearly impossible. So impressive. When I meet these guys who have 35 years, they got sober when they were 17, I'm in complete awe of them.

My sponsor's like that. My sponsor got sober young.

Yeah, my old sponsor, same way. It's so fucking impressive. How does the addict voice in your head not go like, I was a kid. I don't really know about me. I know what it was like to be a pubescent crazy person living in a crazy household.

There's so much we're going to talk about. Let's go back to the girl thing, and then I want to talk about that. Monique, you have that in your head? Yes, it's there.

Yeah, we got it. Rob, right, right, right, right. Don't rely on Rob. We got it all.

So your point about, you were saying right now, do you think girls-Well, at that time, did you have that fear? I'm single now, and I have been dating. I may have to check off so many things before sexuality occurs.

Yeah, and you got to somehow determine-Do they want a story? Yeah, do they want a story?

Well, there are certain things you do. For instance, if I make out with somebody, I make sure after I leave them to text them, to text them. I had a really good time. They have to go, Oh, me too. It was so great to me. What a great. Thanks for dinner, this and that. I need that exchange to feel peaceful so they can't lie. It's weird that now you have to do that. But back to the girl.

When that was happening, Did you already have that fear, or were you like, I don't really care why she's here. I'm just happy to be with somebody here.

At that time, there was no cancel culture. Those paranoias weren't there.

Just this self-worth stuff. Am I being used?

But Dax, Brad Pitt is being used for his good looks.

Great, because I do think that's another way to look at it, which is people go, Do you think she likes you because of this or that? I'm like, I don't really care why someone likes me. I just want someone to like me.

Kalaala and my ex, we lived together for 10 years, and they're like, She's too hot. She's probably using him. But is that really because Kalaala, when I'm sick, she makes me soup and takes care of me. When I have food poisoning, I have food poisoning in my car, I shit all over my Priya's. She cleaned it. Oh my God. She still had sex with me. That's not it. There's a love there and there's a care.

Or even I was watching you guys do this weird thing where you could to either answer a gnarly question or take a shot of ginger. She was asked to rate your body out of 10. In the sincerity with which she's like, Bobby, you are a 10 to me. You've always been a 10 to me. You're still a 10 to me even though we're broken up. I love your belly so much. She loves Bobby's belly. I'm like, I 100% believe her. I would not have thought that about her just based on what I saw.

All the girls that go out with me have that to a degree. I've been on dates with a beautiful woman, and then she'll say, Even in the '70s, my dad used to take me to these kung fu film festivals. You're like, Yeah. Just watching them move. I just really like them. I fell in love with Asians. There's always a fetishy thing. Sure. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it.

I don't like it. Why? As soon as they say, I just really like Indian girls, I want you to leave. Then it's not about me anymore. Yeah.

But why isn't it just that's what they find physically attractive? I know. The skin color and the features. I don't understand why that can't be your type.

I know. I think maybe it's my issue.

I like taller women. I don't know why, but they're 5'8, 5'9, 5'10. I love it. You can't get enough. When I get women my height, it never lasts. I think when I was a kid, my parents were both 5'0. Yes. I was looking at them and as a kid, I'm like, Oh, no, I got to go taller for the family.

Oh, right. For your future progeny.

For the lead generation. Let's get taller here.

This country, the land of opportunity.

If a guy goes, I'm just really into Indian because you don't like it?

No. They can think it, but I don't need them to say it because it immediately becomes, You're just here because of your fetish. But it has nothing to do with me or my personality or anything.

That could be the initial attraction, right? But for somebody to hang out with you, they're going to have to like all the other things. Yeah. Your personality, income. I mean, just different social standing.

They should like those things about me. They're all pretty good.

But without making it feel like I'm attacking you, you How many reasons why you wouldn't trust someone would like you? Legitimate reasons. I don't know that they're legitimate as much as if you have easier time believing people like you in general, I don't know that you would be shining a light on all these specific categories. So another thing that Monica, we've argued about this in the past, she's like, I would never date someone who was a fan of the show because they like me because-Not never, but it's a little bit of a turn off. And I said, Well, Monica, you're not playing a character on this show. You're yourself. If someone's fallen in love with you, they actually love you. You're showing all sides of yourself.

Monica, I want to say something to you.

And now to find out if someone thinks the hottest girls in the world are Indian, and then that would even be a turn, it's like, Well, you're the number one most attractive type, they think, and they know you from the show, and they actually know you. Those are things I think they're a defense because those are fine things for someone to be attracted to you about.

I'm dating a girl who lives in Ohio. Okay. She DM me. She had on a thermos, my podcast sticker. We started talking, then we started FaceTiming. I hang out with her maybe once a month, every other month, because she lives far. There's a comfort level there because she knows my character defects and some of my oddities and my.

You've already shown her your bad side.

Exactly. On there. Yeah. She'll go, I know you don't like that drink. You like that? Yeah, because I don't want to have to audition. Yeah, there's no false advertising. Every day is an audition. I want to be able to do the song and dance and like, Is she going to like this? She already likes all my bad shit. It's so much easier.

You meet a stranger on a plane, you guys are getting along great, and you're like, Well, I guess maybe date three, I tell her, I'm a hardcore addict, man. You're going to find me one day. Here's the playbook. You don't have to do that. You talked about your mistakes with your ex-girlfriend who you still have a show with. You're already owning up your shitty patterns that you do in relationships. Now, I understand if you're playing Rachel on Friends, and the person's in love with Rachel from Friends, and then they meet you, and now you're like, Oh, fuck. How long before they realize I'm not Rachel? I'm much richer and prettier. I'm Jennifer Anaston.

That's exactly what it is.

I got to own the fact that I'm not in the marginalized class. But if an Indian girl says to me, I love tall white boys, I'm like, perfect. That's me.

You're like, get in line. So does everyone in the whole world.

But Some people like fat Korean guys.

Look, I don't know. I don't know what to say.

There's one I'm suspicious of, but it's not of Indian. So I am suspicious of white guys who have an Asian fetish for girls. That one, I need to ask a few follow-up questions.

Well, I'm Asian.

Go ahead. Yes, because my fear in that situation, if it's just esthetic, great. But if it's that you think Asians are more submissive and you'll be able to be more dominant and get away with more shit, and that's why you like Asians, I don't know that I love that. It was a motivation to have a fetish.

Yeah. I'm worried about Asian women that only go out with white dudes. I don't want to get canceled, but I feel like there's an elitism or something about it.

Well, I'll tell you what it is because I have this, right? Where you spend your whole trying to get the attention of the white guy at your high school. The quarterback is often a handsome white guy. So that is what starts to become ingrained. It's not about anything other than that. That just becomes the highest get.

Yeah, because they're holding all the status.

It's wrong, but it's what happens.

We all want to be validated by the highest status person available to us. Whether Angelina Jolie is your type or not, you'd go on 10 dates with her because you're like, I can't believe she likes me.

Oh, yeah, I would. Right? Yeah, I think it. I think it. I would 100%. Six months. Six months.

. I think it's three years to realize it wasn't a match. That status goes a long way.

But when I'm with white women, though, I've noticed... I'm going to say something. So growing up, I'm much older than you. How old are you, Monica? Thirty-six. I'm 52. I was in an era in America where there was a lot of microaggressions with racism, just little things that white people would say.

Well, also, I was thinking, too, because we're roughly the same age. You're a few years older than me. But you your time going through school at the height of Karate Kid. All these things would pop up where it had to have all been fucked up. It was fine to be overtly dismissive of Asians in the way that the movies were Long DukDong.

I talked to Getty Wana Nabe. When Magnum PI was a show, I would reoccur on it. One day they're like, Well, who do you want as a sushi chef in this thing? I go, Try to get Getty Wana Nabe. Is that who played-Long DukDong. Because I just wanted to be around him.

I grew up with him. He fucking deserve something for being the token.

I'm with Getty. We're sitting around and I go, Hey, that role, it blew you up, but it didn't do well for us. It's not a really good image for us. He goes, You have to understand, Bobby, I'm an actor. That was my first audition in four years with anybody of my type. Then when I showed up at the audition, every Asian guy that's an actor was there, fighting to get this one little thing. That's why I love Getty Wana Nabi. I love what he went through, his struggles, because he's such a talented guy.

Well, that's what sucks. So he's objectively insanely funny in the role.

Insanely good.

Holy smokes. The way he's playing hammered and writing that exercise bike. Oh, my God. Forget the Asian stereotypes that are happening. The physicality of long... What was it? Long duck-dong. Every time I say, it couldn't be that bad, is it? Yes, it is long duck-dong.

I don't even know what's- Sixteen candles.

Sixteen candles.

And he gets drunk for the very first time, and then he has sex for the first time, and he is comic relief. We're going back to check him with him at the party. What's happening?

What's happening? What's happening? What's happening? In high school, people would walk by me and say that. Of course.

That's what he was trying to say about Karate Kids. That's what I was trying to say. Oh, right. Yeah, I used a dumb example, Karate Kids.

There's a bunch of white people. I grew up with that. There was never a movie where we were the leading man. I've never seen, back then, an Asian man kiss anybody on any screen, TV, or anything. That even in a Pepto Bismo commercial or something. Nothing.

Not much kissing happening.

I've never seen it, okay?

Honey, did your diarrhea pass in that Pepto? Yeah, it's all gone. Oh, good. I did a commercial with Jane Lynch once.

Her and I made out on a couch. It was for booking. Com, and I remember going, Oh, this would have never happened 20, 30 years ago. No. I'm always very aware. I feel great when that happened because I'm like, Oh, I just never knew that this day would come. But anyway, now, because of all those little microaggressions I grew up with, I sometimes, when I'm with white girls that are mean to me, I go, Why am I in this situation? Is it because I'm used to it? When I'm trying to do is set boundaries and not date people like that. Because I'm trying to treat myself better. It's like when I used to have a bad audition. So one time I had this audition in front of Amy Poehler. It was so bad. I froze.

You must have wanted to do so good. We love her.

I love her, too. I was in my car, took a bottle of water, and I smashed my head to the point where I was bleeding in my face. Sure. To punish myself for fucking up because my dad would do it. Yes. I just don't do that to myself. Good. I don't put myself in any of those situations. I don't punish myself over things anymore, repeatedly, because I want to try to just have empathy for myself and love myself.

I bet you and I have shared this thought where the decency will extend someone in an AA meeting. I'll hear something that they did. My first thought is, Yeah, dude, life's hard and we fuck up, and we're going to do better tomorrow. It's fine. If I do the same thing that that person did, it would be months of self-flagellation, and I'm a terrible piece of shit.

100%.

Sometimes I'll go As a goal, if you could even be half as nice as you are to strangers at a meeting as you are to yourself, that would be a huge improvement.

Why do we do that to ourselves?

Oh, I know.

It's brutal. We punish ourselves.

That feels genetic because my daughter, we bonded over this. She's a little girl. I'll go, Did you ever embarrass yourself? Oh, yeah, and we'll tell funny stories. We've embarrassed ourselves. And then she'll go, Yeah, and then I just am so mean to myself in my head afterwards. I'm like, Me, too. I call myself terrible names. She's like, You wouldn't believe what I call myself.

But do you tell her to stop doing that or no?

Stop is maybe a pipe dream, but you're not alone. I'm like that, too. And yeah, it blows. In AA, you want to go like, So you should stop drinking. You go like, Oh, fuck. Yeah, brother. I did the same thing. Yeah.

Back in the day before Bill met Bob in 1935, he would go like, You need to do this. It wasn't working. It's until he met Bob for the first time where he went, This is what I went through. These are my experiences. And these are the feelings attached to those experiences. And then Bob was like, Oh, I relate to you. That's exactly what I go through.

And then they would go to a hospital, and all they would say is their story. They're not there to go like, You know, this is bad for your liver. The motherfucker's yellow. We know what's bad for your liver is in the liver ward.

Sometimes I think without those guys meeting, what would I be doing right now?

Oh, I know. There's some bizarre magic to it. It's flawed. I have complaints.

They need to update it. I agree.

I think we're in an interesting phase of it in its history. There's a call to, I think, make them a sake Christians have made and that Constitutionals have made, where it's just like you start revering the beginning of I need them something so much that you're not taking on any new information. Everything should evolve. There's no sacred text. Everything needs a rewrite as more information is known.

If I didn't address my trauma and do EMDR and see a trauma therapist and do all that work, I don't know if I'd be sitting here right now.

Totally. I had a friend, thank God, I'll give him a shout out, Kevin. I was going through a ton of stuff a few years ago, and he said to me, AA is not going to be enough with your childhood. Your brain wiring is fucked. There's no step for that. You're going to have to really figure out how to get into your brain a bit. Then I did start therapy in a good way. But yeah, I was hoping it would... Because fuck, it does cure so much of your shit. It's great. You do wake up as a person you couldn't have fathomed you'd be. You actually can hear when you're lying to yourself, and you can admit to people when you're lying, you can say sorry. These things were unimaginable to me. You do start to think, Well, I could probably solve every problem I have with this.

I think you can clean up most wreckage through doing the steps. I think there's just certain things that are so deep-seated in your body that it just doesn't work. How do you feel about people in the program without telling their sponsor doing ayahuasca?

I say this sincerely. I don't care what anyone does. There are people who use weed in the program that they seem to be fine. There are people that do ayahuasca or they do shrooms. I don't have an opinion on it. All I have is for me, I think we all have a different set of things that would set us off. I'm not one to prescribe Now, if I was working with a dude and every time he did an edible, I know your story. You took an edible on an airplane ride to Hawaii, and you woke up three months later and you're on the verge of dying. So I would say to you, I don't think edibles for you work. But I also think people do it, and I just don't have an opinion.

My sponsor says, Ayahuasca, no, which is fine. I love my sponsor, so I'm not going to do it. But I do know a couple of people that are super active in the program that did it a couple of years ago. One time, it was a great experience for them. They didn't do other drugs or anything after that. I believe them. I believe them, too.

I have watched documentaries on Ayahuasca where it talks about in the same way shrooms can as well, your brain starts functioning in a way where it forms new neural pathways and breaks down these super highways we have, where you and I, something tiny happens to us, and we react like someone has pointed a gun at us. I overreact to certain stimuli so dramatically that, yeah, if I could do ayahuasca and that part would be over. Now, I I haven't done it. I would tell you if I did. At the same time, I'm also suspicious of you would take something that would fix you. I just think anytime I think I'm going to take something that's going to fix me, I do have a knee jerk that probably not.

That's why I haven't done it.

Also, risk-reward for each individual person, you should know, and I think you two do, the likelihood of this going very poorly. And is that worth the reward of, quote, fixing?

I guess it depends how much pain you're in. I'm not in enough daily pain that I need to experiment with ayahuasca.

I'm just I would have to explore all the other alternatives before I made that decision. I'm doing trauma therapy, and I do sometimes EMDR. In fact, there are sometimes where I go away to a place for a week and do a week worth of psychotherapy, really just try to get in there. If those roads end and I'm still, then maybe I would consider it.

You're bringing up the best part, and this is what I should have said when you first said that, I don't think anyone should get sober to be miserable and suffer and be suicidal. I don't think that's the goal. So I'm not in a I'm so uncomfortable being alive and I'm doing all the stuff. It's not fair for me to say that that person shouldn't do ayahuasca because I'm not suffering hourly, but there are people that are. You're going to tell somebody who's literally maybe the other option is killing themselves and they're already sober, who am I to say you shouldn't try that thing? I'm not in the judgment game of it all. I don't really give a fuck what anyone does. If they're somehow drinking and going to five meetings a week and they go to their job every day and they're married and everyone's happy, well, then I don't I don't even know.

Maybe everything's fine. They're probably not an alcohol.

Yeah, maybe they're not. It's not for me to say. I can only say that when I am doing that, I feel morally bankrupt and miserable.

I know guys that are hugely successful and just riddled with the disease. They show up to everything, and their family loves them. And they'll even say, Yeah, I'm a chronic alcoholic, and they can just do it. I look at them, I go, I can't do that.

That's the point. I can't do it. That's the difference. I don't think there's a moral imperative about being an addict. I think if you are an addict and you're happy and everyone around you is happy, I don't think that's implicitly bad. For me, I'm very unhappy, and the people around me are sad. But somehow, Nicholson, and I don't want to get sued by him, but it appears this dude has gone hard his whole life and it has worked the fuck out for him. I'm jealous of it. I'm Gary Busey. Oh, me too. Right? I'm being a motorcycle accident. Yeah, I'm totally seen, dude. Tiger blood, Tiger blood, Tiger blood.

You know what I mean?

I was like that guy.

Wait, but this gets back to the pin. We're revisiting the pin. So you got sober between 17 and 30. Yeah.

Monica, you're so good.

It's in here.

You're the best.

You'll never forget that name. No, she's the best.

Yeah. So from 17-How do we get there?

When do you start using? So wait, there's bullying. Dad is violent. I can't really even begin to imagine what it's like to not be communicating with my parents and for them to not be communicating with me.

Through time, I have a lot of empathy for them. They both experienced the Korean War. My mom witnessed my aunt, and then my dad never went to school. He was a street kid. He was in gangs and stuff.

Started a great business?

Yeah, later on when he came to America. So there is a little bit of empathy there. I was born into the household. My parents had money, so we lived in affluent areas. And then we moved to San Diego from Minnesota. When I was 11, I just was in so much pain. So my parents had a refrigerator in the garage, and my mom would stock it for my dad, beers, other liquors. And he drank so much that I was just able to go in there.They.

Would never notice.No..

And you were 11.

And also I'm small. Yeah. So a beer, a beer and a half, two beers, would just obliterate me.

And give you relief.

Relief from it. I remember just laying in bed drunk I would hide the cans and just being, oh.

Yeah, the pressure was finally off.

God, I know. The problem was I was outside my house one day and this skateboarder kid flipped over his board and he started chomping up meth. I was 11 or 12. I walked up to him and go. I didn't even ask what it was. Can I have some? At 11? At 11, 12.

Well, I guess then when you were 11, that's 82. It's everywhere.

He does fast math.

It's everywhere. That's incredible. My family's from rice production.

It literally was rampant in San Diego at the time. Oh, wow. So ever present, and it was easy to get to.

You could order a truck of Sudafet. No one to ask a question. They had even claimed that. I didn't even have a lab.

I didn't do that. Then I just remember, Oh, this is great. Then smoke weed, and I steal money from my parents and get weed, meth, acid.

Did you also like that it allowed you to join a group of people quite easily? Because that's the other thing people leave out is a lot of early addicts were also quite lonely, and it's a pretty turnkey group of friends. In a non-judgmental group of friends.

I always only had one guy that would hang out with. Even later in life, when I did relapse, I'm a loner user. I don't go to bars. I'm just in a hotel room trapped. Getting darker and darker. Yeah, dark. One time, Andrew Santino came to my hotel room once. I was blackout drunk, and he walked in and I had pooh all over my body, just shaking. He remembers that. But when I was 17, I got sober.

Did your parents initiate that, or did you say, I needed help?

They didn't know what-They just thought you were American.

They were like, Fuck, we don't understand this kid. You're super American. We had our kid in the middle.

You know what I mean? No, at 13, they were like, Don't be gay. At 17, they were, Live.

Don't die.

You could see me dying. I I went to two or three different places before McDonald's Center. When I was 17, I got sober there, and I met this old Korean man by the name of Dan. I just gave him a 40-year cake last week in San Diego. But this old Korean man who's an AA, who has long white hair, he has tattoos, he's a biker guy, but spoke fluent Korean. He became my sponsor when I was a junior in high school, and I stayed sober from then till '30 until I got on MTV, and then I relapsed.

Okay, great. Back to really just one last thing. You have this little brother Steve.

How much you got?

Three years. You're getting blasted. You knew that was happening to you, and I have to assume you had to have known it was happening to your little brother.

I took the brunt of it because my brother abided by the rules, so he would do everything he could to not get in trouble. So he took the straight A route. He took the I'm in sports and activities, and made friends with people. I took the other route, which is interesting, but we both experience trauma, but his trauma, he lashes out outwardly. So he's easy to snap and fight and get into physical confrontations. I go within. I punish myself. So that's the difference between us two.

That's a great relief to me because I was thinking probably even more heartbreaking for me than the abuse taking it myself. If I was unable to help my little sister through that, that would have been way worse for me. So I'm glad Stevie wasn't also adding to the inferno.

That was what we probably think. Yeah, thank God. Although he did get some of it, but my mom, especially, one time, she came to my room, and it was two in the morning. My brother and I slept in the same room, and she opened her mouth, and she had a tooth missing, and she was bleeding. Then my mom in Korean, goes, Help me with the door. So my brother and I and my mom barricaded. It was like 2:00 in the morning. And when I talk about it now, it's not as impactful because I've done EMDR on this one incident.

You've disconnected.

I can talk about it, but I just remember it just being like, Are we going to When you wake up abruptly and you see things like that, it sucks. It's war.

It sucks. Fuck the event itself. It's the notion that that can happen at any time that fucks you up, I think. Once mom comes in the room once at 2:00 AM with the tooth out of her mouth. Your logical assumption is, when will that happen again? Probably soon. You'll just never have peace of mind after that. It's a possibility. Yes. This is now an option on planet Earth is that mom comes in missing some teeth and we got to fucking barricade ourselves from the wild boar out in the living room. It creates a permanent sense of unrest forever.

You know what I do, Dax? I just realized this. I not only close my door in my bedroom, I put stuff in front of the door, like a chest and another chair.

I have a big thing with the door closed, too. My wife's like, We have kids down the hall. I'm like, Every man for themselves. They should lock their door. We should lock their door. No, not lock, but I want to at least hear the door get opened.

Yeah.

What is that? Nicotine spray.

Wow.

Look at that Copenhagen. Oh, you're using the little Bandits. Yeah, little Bandits. Yeah, little cute little Bandits. Okay, so you get on Mad TV, you make money.

Back then, it was like sketch money.

But you've got like 22 paychecks coming. That's true. Were you making pretty good living as a standup at that point?

No. But I went from no money to... Well, I did this IBM commercial, so I had some money from that.

60 grand on that?

No, I made 350.

Wow. In a fucking commercial.

Commercial, yeah. Those were the days. Oh, my God. 350.

It was campaign for IBM. Joe Pitka directed it. It was pretty good. Refu.

Yeah, that doesn't happen anymore.

They don't do that anymore. But back then, you would see people go, I bought it. I bought something.

I bought an IBM.

Yeah, I get on Mad and getting a weekly paycheck. I have my own apartment now, and I bought a car, so that's cool. But what happened was, I've talked about this so much. Something happened the first couple of weeks of Mad where I really hurt my feelings, and I just instantly relapsed after 13 years.Wow..

After the insult.

Was it a racial thing? No, it was... You don't have to share it if you don't want.

No, it was just somebody from the show that had some power who outwardly said that he doesn't think that I'm funny, and I hurt my feelings. No offense to the guy.

No offense to the guy. No offense to the guy.

Yeah, what? You're right. You don't think someone's funny. You don't think I'm funny. That is not an assault on anyone. But you're already feeling like you don't belong there. And he confirms your biggest fear.

I had never been on a TV show before.

You're also the first Asian to be on a sketch show. Yeah. You're like, When is the door going to open up? And mom's coming in. Yeah.

I mean, number one, I don't know what a jib camera is. I don't know what a mark is. I don't know how to vocalize in front of a live audience. I don't know anything. So you're learning all that shit. I'm from stand I'd never done a sketch class.

Yeah, you haven't acted.

I've never written a character. I don't know any of this shit. Imagine the pressure, I have to kill this. And then you overhear that somebody there who has some power doesn't think that I'm funny. That hurt me. Of course. I went out, and then the next two years were just painful.

Did you go out drinking?

No. So I couldn't sleep. That night, when I heard that a friend of mine, Paul, had some volumes, so I took about two Valumes, and then I go, Get me bottles.

You're back to the little boy in the bedroom on two beers. Exactly.

Then I started taking it during the day, and then I'm like, What else? Then, Viking was the thing, and I was taking 20 to 30 a day.

They didn't even work. When I tell people I was taking 30 plus a day, I'm like, What do you mean? I'm like, After the first four, they don't even work. They You take five at a time thinking like, Well, that might get me back to that initial. It's the worst.

It's the worst.

I tell people this all the time. Go ahead and be a drug addict, but I'm telling you, skip that one. It's such a fucking way. But when it's first-You can always get too drunk. Coke works. Yeah. Meth works. Yeah. Vicodin does not even work.

When it did work, it was great.

Yeah, there's a minute it's great.

You have a feeling where you was like, This is an amazing feeling.

At that same time, I was in the growlings and I was eating quite a bit of Vicodin's, and I'd go to this dude's house. Coker was his name, was the dealer. And he had the bottles that the pharmacy had, and he had dozens of them. I don't know what the count of those bottles was, but a thousand or something. And I'd go, Oh, I need 100. And he'd eyeball it. It'd be like 150. That's how free they were in 2002.

I should have known Coker about that. Yeah. Damn it.

I'm glad you didn't.

Yeah, I had to go through my friend Paul. But anyway, second year in, I would get so sick if I didn't have it. It's a sickness I don't ever want to experience again. It's like your spine is about to snap. Your insides are rattling.

The relapse four years ago, it took a month before I felt right.

Yeah. At our age, going out.

Oh, God.

Dude.

If I eat a lot of cheese, I feel terrible.

I know. Like your body is going, We can't do this anymore. No, we're weak. We're old. We're not doing this.

Do you have any autoimmune issues?

What does that mean?

Autoimmune disease. There's a trillion of them. I happen to have. I don't think I have any.

Sorry. Okay. Monica, do you drink? Probably too much. Are you seeing anybody?

No. So you're single? I'm single. I'm drinking. Doing it all. Yeah, I do drink. I don't think I'm an alcoholic, but I do like drinking.

I like going on dates with women when they have a glass of wine. I want somebody to be able to just do what they do.

It gets so habitual, though. I get into phases. I'm entering one where I feel like I'm back in this habit where it's part of the day. You finish work or you're working on work and you have a glass of wine and it just becomes part of it. And after a while, I do think like, When was the last time I didn't?

I could tell you, Bobby, because we speak the same language. She has a frequency that maybe has a question mark on it, but she doesn't get hammered ever. It's not like she ever will drink four glasses of wine.

Sometimes. Okay. But rare. It's not like every night it becomes four glasses.

In the mornings, you've never done it.

Well, I've had like, Mamosas.

Yeah, if you're on a Sunday with the girls.

You're Mowi or whatever. Yeah, sure.

But no, I'm not waking up. I want to go. No, I'm not waking up and pouring wine or drinking in the morning by myself. I don't have anything like that. There's a part of me that is like, If I did, that'd be easier. I would know that was an actual problem. This is so gray.

Yeah, hers is very innocuous. I think it's fine. It's nothing. It's fine. You know what's funny? Bobby, you would love this moment Monica and I had. We were one time driving through this neighborhood, and I went and grabbed a Perrier can out of her cup holder. We're in her car, and I go to take a sip, and she screamed, No. My first thought was, Oh, there's alcohol in here. She had spit in it.

But I said, I assumed there was alcohol in here.

Then she said, Wouldn't you be so alarmed that I had alcohol in a Perrier thing? I go, No. I observe your life.

That's when I was watching his children at the time.

I don't see any wreckage. You're very dependable. You're not moody. I actually wouldn't think anything of it.

She couldn't believe that. Well, yeah, I wouldn't either. What?

You guys, if you're in a car and someone has a Perrier that they've replaced with alcohol.

That could be a great reason.

I don't know the circumstances why that Perrier is there. You know what I mean? It could have been somebody else from last night.

Yes, you wanted to have one on the way to the bar. That's already. You made a vodka Perrier. That's fun. Keep it in the can. The cops won't know. That doesn't mean you're an alcoholic. You feel like you be loose when you're behind the wheel.

If I was around anyone with that, I would think they had a Perrier.

It's just so funny the evolution of all what happened, which is I took a sip of her spit, but then it transferred immediately into this crazy debate where she was more I'm more troubled than I wouldn't be troubled than she had alcohol in there.

It was a mess.

That one four-minute stretch might summarize our entire existence. For real? Yeah. Stay tuned for more Arm Share Expert, if you dare.

Now, Dax, why four years ago? I've always wanted to ask you, Did you go out?

There's a long version or short version. I'll try to do a medium version. I had broken my arm. I had a prescription for Vicodin, and Kristen handed them out to me. I decided I would not take those when I traveled back to Detroit because I was going to see my dad who was dying of cancer, and she wouldn't be there to administer the Vicodin. So while I was with my dad and he had all these Percasets, I said, You know what? I have a prescription for Vicodin at home. I'm going to take some of these Percasets. Makes sense. That was eight years into being sober. I had a total meltdown. Chris ended up coming to Detroit and surprising me. Did he pass? Two months later, he did. But again, here's the thing where when I read about you and your dad in your recent relapse, it's like, I would have told you I'm handling that whole experience fine. I'm flying home once a week to deal with his thing. The room is full of AA people. I would tell you that it wasn't really having an impact on me, but I did that thing. And no one will like this.

My dad and I did sit in his living room looking out over the lake, and we were both on Percaset, and we're both sober. I don't hate that I had that moment with my dad. I'd never party with my dad, but we were both just sitting there enjoying the thing. Next day, I'm overwhelmed with guilt and fear. Oh, my God, I've relapsed. I'm going to have to reset my day. Kristin comes in. I confess to her what I did. I took this and I wasn't prescribed that and blah, blah, blah. And she's like, Look, it's fine. You're here. I have that prescription. You're not going to do it again. You keep it moving. I was like, okay. And I kept it moving. But that was almost like when those owls that the falconer flies, they're only supposed to eat the food from the trainer. If they catch a mouse one time, danger. They're going to want to hunt again. Because I had that experience, and really it was fine. Opiates were never really my thing. Over the years, I break a lot of stuff. And when I would use opiates, I was tricky. So she would administer them, but I also would maybe not take them at night so I could save up.

And in the morning, I could take three times the dosage. We're in a very gray area sporadically for several years. I certainly don't think I need to come in and say I need a new date, but I'm also being a little tricky when I have them prescribed. Okay. Then in rapid order, I break my hand, all the bones across it. I get all these pins in it. I get surgery. Why are you breaking your arms or your hands? What the fuck is going on? I'm in a motorcycle racing off road stuff. Stop doing that. No. Okay. We're going Monday. All right. I get all these pins, and Then I get a pretty healthy dose of real good opiates for a while, almost immediately after I shatter my shoulder, my ribs, my thing on a motorcycle. Now I have multiple surgeries. Now I'm on a lot of opiates. What was very misleading about the opiates compared to the other stuff is like, if I drink, you will know in one second. Because the second I'm drunk, I'm going to get coke. When I get coke, I do it for three days. There's no version where I don't do it for three days.

There'd be no hiding. In the most conventional sense, it's unmanageable. This was very weird. I'm on opiates, I'm still doing the podcast. I'm still very responsive and present with my family. I'm going, This is weird. This isn't very unmanageable. This is fine. Other than I know, you have to keep upping your dosage because you get used to it so quickly. I'm not dumb. I know that that's an issue.

At At this point in your mind, did you know you relapsed?

I think I still had plausible deniability at that point. I wasn't ready to accept that. It was when I started buying them illegally, I was like, Okay, now we're definitely doing something. Then that lasted for a couple of months. Then I decided I have to quit, and I started to try to do it on my own. Then I was visibly going through detoxes, and then I copped to the whole thing. Wow.

It's just a sneaky sucker, huh? When I relapsed after 17 years, I was doing my friend Sam Tripoli's show at the Main Room, and his show is sponsored by a weed company. I have 17 years of sobriety.

You already fucked up on Mad TV. You got sober again, and now you have 17 years again.

Yes. They're 13 and then 17. For me, it's always, I just stop going to meetings and stop calling my sponsor. This is years because you think you can do it. I have time, 15, 16 years. That's a long time.

Don't even think about this stuff.

That's a long time. Yeah. I'm sitting there and this guy that owns this weed company goes, Hey, we have a package when people do the show and I go, I'm sober. He's like, Oh, cool. But I have a CPD thing. I go, What's a CPD thing? I don't know what it is. What do you stand for? He goes, This oil has 1% THC in it.

Just to activate the CPD.

Right. But if you just do the dosage, you're not going to feel it. So I drink the whole thing. Yes, of course. I got buzzed. I went back next week because my stomach hurt because you're not supposed to drink the oil. That's all oil. So my stomach really was in pain. I go, Hey, do you have one that's 50%, it started getting better. And then I started getting 99% THC, 1% CPD. And obviously, I had relapsed, and it was just that easy.

Did you know at that point when it was 99%?

I think when I drink that whole bottle for that 1%, I knew. There's something really strange about this.

I think a lot of people who have relapsed will relate to this. You're distracted at first with the thought of just making sure no one knows. You forget that you didn't ever get sober for anyone else. You got sober because you were But at some point in sobriety, I started telling myself this thought, well, if no one knows, and I'm focused on them, and then again, deciding to ignore, Well, I know, and I can't really live that way. First thought is, can I get away with it? But you ignored the fact that you know.

The problem is the eight years of real sobriety you had, that never goes away. So that's in your mind and your heart. You know now.

Yeah. I was sad and missed that purity I felt. That first eight years, there was nothing Everything on my report card that you could have said was tricky. Then I had several years of just that was in the back of my mind. I still only had them when they were prescribed to me. All these other ways I would justify it, but it never had that super clean feeling that those first eight years had.

There are moments in pure sobriety that is just the most joyous I've ever been.

I know. When you have those days, you're like, Why don't I recognize I am so much happier this way? Yeah, I know.

The freedom and also your belief that everything's going to work out. You're not looking into the future and going, What if this happens? If this happens? You're just really in the present moment, just like, I'm here. I'm free. I have peace. Those occasions are rare, but I never had them throughout my whole life.

When you go like, I don't need anything to feel okay is the most miraculous feeling you can have. It's amazing. Because you really, for so much of your life, you're convinced you can't feel okay without something.

Especially growing up, going through all the experiences. I was never taught these tools and this way of living. There was no internet. I'm just in this violent house of chaos, surviving. Do you want to talk about the movie there?

Yes. We're getting there. By the way, this is about the time I would always start talking about the movie. Yeah.

Really? We always do. We always do two hours. That's insane.

Yeah. What is your show? One hour. One hour, and you're out. In and out. Congratulations on your show. Oh, thank you. I'm bad friends. Oh, thank you so much. It's enormous.

Come on, you're the king.

Well, I don't know that I'm the king. This is the king. I'm genuinely happy for you and Andrew so much. You guys have a wonderful living off of doing a podcast, right?

Obviously, him and I both had decent careers before it, but the fan base when it comes to podcasting is a completely different relationship you have with them. When I see them in the streets, it's not weird. Do you love them? I love them so much. I know. I just don't know why you don't do it on video.

We know why.

Yeah, we do know why.

All right.

I'll tell you the assets of it, and then you tell me the cons of it. I'll give you the pros, and let's have this debate right now.

Let's settle this once and for all.

I I don't believe mine's the right way.

I think yours is the right way. I think Theo's is the right way. All right, dad. I'm not in time. Let me do my pros first.

Okay. You don't do your cons yet. Okay. So number one, you're going to reach a broader audience.

Yes, for sure. And definitely more males. Males love consuming things on YouTube. It's a very male-dominated platform.

I already feel what your cons are by you saying that. I agree with you. That's very sneaky that you did that just now. No.

Interesting. No. What's my word?

How about you not say anything until I do my I'm doing my pros.

I forgot my word already. No nun-chee. No nun-chee. I got to write it down.

All right. So number one, a bigger audience. Number two, it's more money. Number three, it becomes more like a TV show, almost. When you have guests, it's like the reoccurring on the sitcom. I I really feel like I've lost the thing. No.

I'm drowning.

I'm droughting. I'm droughting. I'm droughting. I think one of your cons is going to be like, your guests won't be as vulnerable. But you can be vulnerable with the cameras on as well.

You can. I can. We go to AA. We We're used to being stared at saying crazy stuff. We've had a bunch of episodes, and they are among our best ones that I am certain wouldn't have happened if they had a camera pointed at them. I think there's a magic. There's two things I would say to push back. A, I love other people's video stuff. I think Theo's show is so fucking great. I just watched you on it again this morning. It's so fucking funny. I just adore him. I love that. I think that we want to get the conversations we have if people saw a camera pointed at them.

One-you don't know that yet, though.

Totally. I'm guessing at that. Two, I don't like people being distracted by how people look. I don't want them to have to go through hair and makeup. I don't want people watching me like, Oh, yeah, she looks pretty good, or she doesn't look pretty good, or she must have got her eyes done or her chin lift. I want you to be listening to what's in this person's soul and not distracted by evaluating how they look. You're cringing at the notion of that?

What I want to say to you is you won the I'll tell you why. I think I feel far more relaxed. This experience, because usually I'm so aware of the time. Like, Okay, we've got to be at 45. But this time, I literally went, I think we did 45, and I looked and we did double that.

Yes, because it's a state of flow.

I'm still going to stay on video. No, you're not.

I love video. I love video. You're doing much more comedy than we are.

It's different types of shows, too.

My third thing I want to say is the singular auditory experience, to me, is such an antidote to the fucking stimuli that we're overwhelmed with. I do it. I listen to this show. I listen to other shows that are only audio. I now can't hear any other thing. I enter this weird sacred space.

I listen to this American Life when I lay in bed. How great is that? I love Ira. I listen to the Moth Stories podcast, and they're not on video. Radiolab. I lay in bed and I listened, I closed my eyes. And if those two things were on video, I don't think I would see it. No.

It's also the intimacy.

There's a lot of intimacy, and you block out every other thing, or at least for me, when I'm working out listening to a podcast or I'm hiking, that's actually white noise. And I'm in another time and space. But when I'm watching stuff, I'm also looking at my kids, I'm looking at the room.

Here's another argument, though. People listen to my podcast, too. I'm just giving them a second option. Absolutely.

But the gas part.

The gas part is a big- That's right in that. Absolutely correct. I think you want it. I think you're better, brighter than me. Oh, no. Right? Literally, you want this conversation. My mind has completely turned around. I came in with this like, I'm going to convince them. We're going to liberate them from this cage. I'm going to liberate them, and I failed miserably. I think you're right. I want to say congratulations, and this is amazing. I'm here because I'm promoting a movie I did.

No, but it's actually a very easy segue because the movie that you're here to promote, Sweet Dreams, is about sobriety.

Yeah, I'll be honest with you. When I was shooting this thing, I didn't know. Sometimes you're on a set and you're like, I don't know.

You mean you don't know how it's going to turn out, and you don't even know what movie you're in because both happens.

No, I knew what movie I was in. I just think this might not be good. Oh, sure. Because of the parameters, because of the low budget, because it's a softball movie as well, I thought the stakes seemed not high enough. You would show up and there was not a lot of people in the stands. It was more guerrilla filmmaking, and I just didn't know the tone, really. But I trusted L and his notes and his direction. But last week, I saw the movie. Also, I've been in some movies. I've never seen myself on the big screen. You haven't. Long time ago, I was in Harold and Kumar, and I went to that screening. I remember seeing my big, gigantic Korean head on the screen. I go, Look at that bobblehead. I literally had a visceral negative experience. I ran out of the theater. It's never nice. I go, Look at that bobblehead. I never did. But this one, I sat through it because it was about sorority. I watched I have to say, Dax, number one, I think it's the best movie I've ever seen when it comes to portraying AA meetings.

Okay, because it's always a disaster when they do it. Everyone's so serious and sacrily.

It's in a gymnasium. It's always a circle of some sort.

In a gym. I've never been to a meeting in a gym. Me neither. Never in my life. Tens of thousands of meetings.

I've been to churches.

I've been to people's houses.

Yeah, even schools I've been to. They're always like that line in the big book that says, We are not a glum lot.

Yeah, right.

It's The person's always a glumlot.

Yes, the person's always delivering the monolog, Please release my family from this jail.

Yeah, so this is the first movie where I was watching it, and there was a couple of scenes between Jay Mohr's in it. Jay plays Johnny's sponsor.

Johnny Knoxville.

There are scenes between them doing a sponsor-sponsey conversation where I went, Oh, that felt real. They got it. Yeah.

I don't know if I've ever seen it done right.

Me either. That's great.

There's a lot of laughter and joy. I've walked out of a meeting going, That was better than a play or a party or whatever. That was fun. That's never portrayed. Because Liza, the director, is a member of the program, he outwardly says it.

Well, good. If he says it- Can I say it? If he has, yeah.

Okay. When we were shooting these A meetings, all the background were people from his men's meeting. Oh, awesome.

That's cool.

That's perfect. It's perfect. You have a spattering of actors, but everyone I know from the room.

Right. They're giving the real reaction.

Right. They weren't in a circle. They were disheveled.

Everyone's so fucking unique in a A meeting.

Yeah. They had guys with a lot of time there, too. When I'm watching it, I'm like, I think you got the tone really right. Also, obviously, there's some things I have problems with, but I think in general, if you want to watch a movie that betrays people getting sober, this is pretty real.

They did not give me a screener. I only got to watch the trailer, but I would love to see that because, of course, every Every time I see AA on a TV, I'm like, Who would want to go to a meeting?

It's Theo Von's first movie. It's Chelsea Lynn who plays Trailer Trash, Tammy Online. It's her's first movie.

Yeah, the cast is wild. Moammer, Kate Upton, Gaida, who I love him. Love him. Fucking love. Did you talk to him at all? Oh, yeah.

I love Gaida.

Tell me about Gaida.

He's an anomaly.

He's really bipolar, right? That story line.

He had drugs and alcohol in his family. His parents both died from it. But Gaida is just a kind, warm guy. I'm not I'm familiar with his music, so it's great. I stick with The Clash and the Velvet Underground. That's pretty much my tweel house. That's a nice zone for you. Sometimes, Pixies.

We could share a road trip together with that playlist.

Yeah, Joy Division, whatnot.

Dismiss, New Order.

God, do you and I... I'm getting half-hard right now. We like the island. Secondelic furs a little bit. If we were on an island, dude.

A little modern English. That should have been part of the question. It was like, you're on an island, it's you and Brad Pitt, but also, is there any music? Because that would make a big difference.

Well, I know that Brad likes the same music I do because I know he's a huge Radiohead fan. Jeff Buckley.Oh, love Jeff Buckley.Yeah. I think we would have related on that. Also, one last thing about Brad Pitt. I saw him in a Coen Brothers. Don't make it the last. The Coen Brothers movie.

Burn After reading.

Burn After Reading. My brother and I both admit, it probably is one of the best comedic performances of any actor I've ever seen. He's so funny in that fucking movie. Him on the treadmill.

If it were anyone else, I'd be mad. Why? Well, when Timberlake hosted Serient Live and I was like, oh, come on, this guy's one of the best hosts of all time. He never did sketch comedy. Timberlake can sing like that? Yeah, yeah. What am I going to do? I know. I was in the ground wings. I can't host it. I know.

You see guys that can do it all and you just go, I can't do nothing.

I've been thinking that a lot about Walton Gaugens. Who was that? You know Walton Gaugens. Did you watch Vice Principles or Righteous Gemstones?

Yeah, I love Righteous.

So he's Uncle Baby Billy. Oh, wow.

Yeah.

But he's also the best dramatic actor on planet Earth. I'm watching something right now where he's like a fucking nose Cowboy, and I'm like, How can this guy be-Fall Out? Apec. Yes.

I love the game.

Wait till you see the fucking show. You played the game? No, never played it. Didn't even know it was the game when I was watching it.

How have you not played the game?

I don't play any game. How have you not played the fucking game? I know. Now I want to because the show's so good.

It's one of the greatest games, RPGs of all time. Rob, have you played it? Have you played it? No. You guys are fucking idiots.

What a waste of your- I know why you come here. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry to ask you. What a waste of your-I know why you come here. What a waste of your I know.

I know. Bethesda, who makes role-playing games.

Yeah, they're one of the producers.

Yeah, so they did elder scrolls, which is like Skyrim and Oblivion, the series of games.

You love games, I'm finding out. That wasn't even one of my questions.

I'm a part of the human race. It's a part of pop culture. It's great.

Yeah, you're just plugged in.

So, Jordan Peel, one time, years ago, when we were broke, we were at a game stop, and he got, Yo, man, you got to play Morrowind, which is an elder scroll. And ever since he recommended it, I've been into Bethesda. But my point is, is that fallout, you don't have a PlayStation?

I don't have any system, no.

Why are you getting so nervous right now? You're acting weird.

We were on such a good run there with psychedelic furs and modern English. I understand.

How many episodes are you in?

I have 15 minutes left of the finale. We interviewed Jona, Nolan, and so I got the screeners. I know.

When that show was in pre-production, I called my agent and I go, I don't care. I'll be back around. Get me on the show. I couldn't get anything.

They should use you because there's really fun little... Just last night, Fred Armisen pops up for this What does he know about Fall Out? That piece of shit.

He doesn't know shit about Fall Out, that piece of shit. Anyway, hey, Fall Out producers. I'll be background. I don't care. I'll do anything. I never get to do cool shit. But anyway, let's just move on. Let me ask you something about Fall Out. How much of the show is in vault life?

Oh, great question. I would say 30% of it.

Okay, so second question. Is there 1950s music in it?

Yes. So one of the coolest things is the esthetic of it is retro-futuristic. That's what the game is. It is awesome. All the TV sets are from the '50s.

They drive nuclear- Is there a blonde bobblehead in it? Is there a blonde? Is there posters with a guy in a vault suit, a cartoon drawing, and he has blonde hair or whatever?

That detail may have escaped me.

Is the vault or a circle?

Yes, it's a circle, but then it also has a sprocket wood. Yeah, a sprocket. So it can roll. Oh, fuck. On the track.

Are there goals in it? No goals. No goals. No goals.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's the goal. I'm going to watch it.

You're going to flip.

What are you talking about Walt for again?

We were talking about people that were really good at both things. Brad was really funny. You know what you're good at?

What? You're a deceiver.

That's a weird compliment. You're a great deceiver.

I'll tell you why you're a deceiver. In my mind, I'm like, Oh, well, I can talk about the movie and I'll get that out of here, right? Oh. But no, that's not how I play. That's not how I play. You're very good at going, Let's go this way and that way. All of a sudden, I'm talking about something that has nothing to do with the movie. But I'm not going to play your games anymore. Nor should you. You're a deceiver, and I'm not going to do this.

We're here We could talk about Sweet Dream in Theater's 412, 24, and on VOD 416. I was about to read that cast. We got interrupted. But Johnny Knoxville is in it. How did you get on with PJ? Because I have a funny story. When I interviewed him, I told the story. I just felt like he never liked me. I would try to be friendly to him many times, and I think maybe he's too cool for me.

Dax, I want to say something. I do the same thing. Okay, good. I have these stories in my head that a certain actor or somebody in the business or even Netflix. I do this thing where Netflix Exactly.

The institution.

The institution of it, right? When in reality, they don't even think about me. It's like that actor. Then you meet the guy and they're like, I've always loved you. I spent three years of my life thinking about them every day. Something happened yesterday morning. Last week, there's a comic, I don't want to say his name. I love him now. But we grew up together in comedy, and we were always rivals in a weird way. Then when my podcast started blowing up a little bit, I started talking a little shit. Anyway, I hadn't seen this guy in 15 years. He was at the Comedy Store, talented guy. I saw him and I went, Hey. I hugged him and I reached my hand out to his wife and I go, Hi, so and so. Hi, Brenda. Hey, Brenda. Hi, Brenda.

Your first time ever seen the name Brenda.

She didn't shake my hand. Well, good for her. In my head, I'm like- She's protective of her man. She's protective of her man. In my head, I'm like, Because I'm trying to really be in sobriety and I want to make amends and make it right, I I took my hand back, I hugged him, and I walked away, and I went into shame. Yes, of course. Then I wrote him a message the next day, and I go, Over the years, I might have said some things I regret. I'm so sorry. If you want to meet for coffee, I'm willing to do that. And so he goes, I'm fine, but thanks. Then yesterday morning, I get a DM from his wife. Brenda. She goes, I didn't do that. She goes, I didn't see your hand. She goes, I didn't even see your hand. She goes, I didn't even see your hand. I didn't even I made a mess.

Yeah, right.

I made a mess for no reason. But you probably felt better. I feel so much better. I feel so much better. You made it for you anyway. But I do that to myself where I perceive something, then I believe it to be completely true. Fear, false evidence appearing real. Yes. You and I share the same thing, I believe.

Coming in here, I immediately assume... We've had limited interactions, but I feel like I've always really enjoyed... Anytime I've seen you, did you have good feelings about me or did you have any story about me? To be honest, Bobby.

Yeah, I thought maybe that you didn't like me. What? Yeah, in my head. Out of nothing? No, I'll tell you why.

Tell me why. Because I should have had you on earlier?

No, that's not what it is.

That's what I just thought.

No, that's not what it is. That, to me... Why are you even bringing this up? It's weird. But let's be... This is great. It is great? I love it. All right. Getting me on earlier, I know the level of guests you get. You don't have a lot of comics. You get a lot of huge actors. I I get it, man. Me and Andrew, we've always talked very highly like, Well, she keeps killing it. So one time, I know it's in my head. But now talking to you-I can't wait to hear this.for the last hour and a half. I was on a show called Animal Practice. It was a sitcom. You were on a show that was in the same area. I know this because I think you knew the Ruso Brothers.

At Universal or at Warner Brothers?

It was at Paramount.

Well, this is what's great is I've never worked on Paramount, but go ahead.

But you were a guest star or something because Community was there. Did you ever guest star in Community? I didn't. You were there, though. Okay, great.

I was on the lot. I know it was you. I have shot commercials and stuff there.

Anyway, you were behind the monitors. I don't know why you were there, but you were standing right behind me, right? All right. I remember turning, I go, Oh, my God, that's Dax Shepard. I know you. It wasn't Joel McHale. It was Dax Shepard.

Can I ask really quick how many years ago this was?

It must have been 15 years ago.

Oh, wow. Okay.

Very long. Way back. I've held this resentment for 15 years. Oh, my God. I love this. Me, too. I remember turning around going, Hey, Dax, and you didn't respond to me. You were looking at the monitors, I guess, watching the scene or something. And in my head, I was like, Oh, he doesn't like me. Oh, man. I carried that with me this whole time.

Listen to me. I'm so sorry that that happened. I didn't do anything. But hold on. I don't have any memory of that. I have other memories of genuinely adoring you. And we have mutual friends. And then Rob always... I'm not even clear how you and Rob know each other so well.

I started this career.

Wow.

There would be no Rob without me, right? You know this to be true, fuckface.

No. He is a big, big Bobby Lee fan, talks about you all the time and adores you. Can I tell you how I made him? Yes.

Will you admit to it? Yeah. Okay. I was doing a live standup show, and I had Chris Wittausky. I did his- You were doing his show. I did his show. I did Chris Wittausky's show. Then you came to one of my shows, and you said, Can I take photographs of my life? Rosenbaum was on my show. You became friends with Rosie. Then the next day, I know you're producing podcasts. The next day, Oh, your dad's got, right? And now, Rachel Bielson and all these fucking things, right? And I'm like, I fucking did that.

You did it by having a joke that he came to.

I'm sorry. I didn't do it. Rob, I already gave you compliments, and you have a skill set, and I admire it.

You know what the greatest thing? Because I know that that's the beginning of he and Rosenbaum, that he approached Rosenbaum and was like, You should have a website and you should have this. Here's a self starter in a way that I respect so much, which is like, I'm humble. Let me build this website for you. Let me take pictures. You don't have anyone taking fun pictures of you. Offering a service asking for nothing. It leads to a podcast with Rosenbaum. I go to Rosenbaum's podcast. We both know Rosenbaum. He can't make cereal in the morning. I'm like, How does this thing run so well? Oh, it's got to be that guy. And then I said, Rosie, could I use him as well? Now we're here. His version of getting to here, I love.

What's your version? That's my version.

I give a lot of credit to you.

It's so crazy. That's nice, Rob. It's crazy that you say that because obviously, Dax had no idea. You're now a deceiver. And now you're doing shadow play, and I don't like it. Shadow play.

Okay. Most recently, Bobby, back to your video being great, I watch all these clips on Theo's clips. I see you on all these video podcasts. In 100% of the time, I'm like, Bobby Lee is so fucking funny and so open and so pleasant and can play like no one can play. You just bounce into all these different little ecosystems. And every time you deliver, and I just literally look at you with great affinity.

Can you hear it? The compliment?

What I just said. Okay, Monica, I'm going to say this, and I'm going to make a statement right now and let it forever be true. I know from now on, for the rest of my life, that you guys are all friends, not even acquaintances anymore. We shouldn't share for real, because you and I never had deep conversations. We didn't get to do this ever. We never did this. But I feel like from now on in life, every time I see Dax anywhere, there's going to be pure love. Always. But I did not feel that yesterday.

Okay. Oh, man. I wanted to be honest with you. Can you a little bit assume, I love everyone that's sober. You got to be a real piece of shit for me to not feel a bond with someone. As soon as I knew, too, that we were the same, I'm always rooting for you and I feel an immediate kinship with you.

Okay, okay, okay. I'm sorry. I've just told you that. I already told you that. Okay, okay. I had it wrong. But it's so funny that it's always the case. Whatever going on in this fucking sick mind of mine, there are narratives and story lines that aren't even true that I believe, and it's insane.

We must have gotten it right at some point where we got so confident in these stories we tell, right? I mean, there had to be some moment of proof that we were right.

Are they true? Because my narrative was, Netflix doesn't like me because I would audition for a show and not get it. But it's like, that's acting life. Right. Exactly. But then I make this storyline that they hate me.

Yeah.

It's putting yourself at the center of things that you're not necessarily at the center.

Right. One of the favorite things I've learned in AA, which is self-pity is the same level of self-obsession as self-aggrandizing. Meant. The universe doesn't care about you one way or another. It doesn't care enough about you to harm you and conspire against you, and you're not hot shit, and it's rewarding you. You're the same piece of shit of everyone else, and no one's even fucking thinking about you.

It's such an interesting thing.

We all do it, though. You do it, too, Monica? Oh, yeah. Everyone does it. There's different levels of it.

I think it's a human thing.

But I've gotten trouble by believing in these narratives because then all of a sudden, I start wars with people that aren't even real. Yeah.

You have to police yourself on that.

I've done that on podcast where I've started wars with people, and then they've come onto my podcast and goes, Whoa, dude. I've always like, What the fuck is going on here? I'll go, Oh. It's not good. Sweet dreams. Sweet dreams. It's a softball movie. It's basically a movie about a bunch of guys in a halfway house, and they also happen to play on a softball team. Knoxville plays the lead. He plays a guy named Morris, and he's hit a bottom. He goes to this halfway house. He goes through all the things that people do early days sobriety, vomiting, not wanting to be there, rebelling, all that stuff.Being unique.Right. Obviously, me, Theo, and dumbfounded, and all these people live with him at this halfway house, and he gets it. He has an awakening. He gets a sponsor, starts doing it. Then we also happen to play Softball. It's this cute small movie that I think has a lot of heart.

I'm excited. Me too. I'm really excited to see the AA stuff. What was your softball skill before you started? Because I had to play softball in a movie, and I couldn't sleep the night before. What do you mean? Because I had never played it my whole life. The first time I'm ever going to be playing baseball is going to be on camera.

No one's thinking in their head like, Oh, we need an athlete. Let's get Bobby in the movie. Should we get a body double? In fact, I did a movie with Rosenbaum called Kickin' an Old School, and I danced so bad that they had to get me a body double.

But you were in a breakdancing team in high school. Yeah, I wasn't good. What happened? Oh, okay.

I wasn't Jabbawockeez. Okay. Yeah, so I did this breakdancing movie, and they got a Filipino girl. Oh, boy. If you watch that movie, all the body shots are a woman doing it anyway. I'm not good at it, but I have to be honest. I think that Johnny's great at softball.

He's an athletic. Yes, big time. I think he was super into baseball as a kid as well.

Yeah, Gaida, a guy named Brian Van Holt was great. I think that I was mid-level, but there were some guys that were terrible.

Did you love being around Jaymore because he was one of my favorites when I first moved to LA?

I want to say something about him right now.

But it would be starting another war?

No, it's a great thing. Okay, good. We've seen people transform in this business, especially. He's done such a 180 turnaround in his life. Whenever I see him, I want to cry. He's such great example of somebody that's really doing the deal and really turned his life around. I really love that guy so fucking much.

I like him for such a specific reason. I met him a couple of times when I had just moved to LA, and he happened to be neighbors with another dude. He was so friendly. Me, so that was great. But I saw one of his bits. I've had this moment a few times with performers. He tells this story about being a little kid and sucking his neighbor's dick, his neighbor, sucking his dick. Yeah. Then 35 years later, getting pulled over by him, and he was a state trooper. They're on the side of the road, and he was acting really tough with them to give a ticket. He's like, I just want to go like, Hey, get real. We sucked each other's dick when we were 10 years old.

The same thing happened to be.

Same thing. Yes.

I suck somebody's dick. I don't like the flavor. Sure. That's not my thing. I'll be honest. Yeah, it wasn't for you. Also, wasn't ashamed about it. I've never had a problem with sexuality in that way. Maybe because I was molested. I don't know. So this guy, I sucked his dick in high school. Then I didn't see him for 20 years. Then I was close to his family, so his mom had died, and I went to the funeral, and I hadn't seen him since I sucked his dick. That's all you can think about. Now he's standing next to his mom's casket.

He's probably the last person he wants to see at his mom's funeral is you.

I know. In fact, in my mind, I was like, I don't think I should do the condolence thing and go around and look at the casket. I could just sit down. Like an idiot, I stayed. Then I see him standing. He's distraught, obviously. I'm walking by the casket I look at... I don't know what to do. So I give him a hug, but he... He gets nervous. He shoulder-subs my... It's good to see you, dude.

He does this. He's super macho.

Yeah, and I went back and I went, Oh, yeah, I should have just sat down. What do you say? What do you say? Yeah, there's nothing to say. But have you ever had an experience like that where you sucked that guy off? When you're younger?

Not by choice.

Okay, let's move on.

What I love about you telling a story, and what I loved about Jaymore telling a story, because he was at peak Jaymore-ness. That's such a fucking brave thing to do. So many people have done that, and no one's ever going to say anything. Anytime a dude, they were a little, what do they call them? Not lampeposts, but markers. I went, Oh, wow. Someone can be honest and vulnerable and real and still walk tall and not give a fuck. It's like oxygen.

I want to say something. I've never said this before. Okay. This is so long, by the way, but I had to add another point. You're very good what you do. It's very good what you do. I'm engaged still, all right? I want to say that you know how sometimes kids become racist because their parents are racist?

Or they've literally never met that other race.

Literally that. But I just remember my dad as a young kid, he said, If you're gay, I kill you. I kill everybody. But ever since I was a little kid, I just thought, What's the problem with... You know what I mean? So I just don't know how I learned that.

Yeah, totally.

How did I learn I was okay with all races. I was okay with sexuality, and no one taught me that. So are you born with those values?

No. What happened? I think this is the great gift of having a really traumatic life is you see other people suffering, and you know what it feels like, and you have built an empathy for a lot of people. And it's the gift of all gifts. It's worth the trauma.

I hate authority. When I see Russia invading Ukraine, I just get so overly angry because of my upbringing. Bully. Bully, yeah. Yeah, I'm such an underdog. I think you're right. I'm just there for the underdog.

You're looking at a gay dude and you're like, Man, I know the roughness of that. I don't know that version of it, but I know-That guy has an It's a whole battle like I do.

Any movie or a documentary as a kid about the civil rights movement, all right? I was always on the side of the Whites. No, I was always on the side. I love the Whites. No, I was always on the side of the Black human experience in America. I used to get so angry back when Black people would be at a diner counter trying to eat and people spitting on them. Or a little girl going to school, in their graded school for the first time and have protests go. Yeah, adult men. Adult men. I was like, I want to kill everybody.

I know.

Anyway, so watch Sweet Dreams. I'm going to go. That's what I have to say. I'm going to go check me out on Bad Friends and Tiger Burley. I have two podcasts. Thank you for having me.

Oh, such a delight. I knew you would be great. You know you have a show, and there are days where you're lucky and someone's coming in, like Jake Johnson's coming in, and I go, Oh, I just have to sit down and we're going to have a great episode. I had that very feeling about you. Thank you. I adore you. Everybody go see Sweet Dreams, or if you miss that window, please see it at home and listen to Tiger Belly and, of course, Bad Friends. Bobby Lee, be well.

Stay tuned for the fact check. It's where the party's at.

Monica. Hi. Hi. If you're just joining us and you're just waking up. Do you think anyone starts at the fact check and then goes back into the main episode? I doubt it.

I doubt it. It wouldn't make sense.

It wouldn't. It'd be illogical. But people are illogical, and they're exciting, and they're novel, and they're unique.

And they're crazy.

They're crazy. Now, I have heard people say they skipped the episode entirely and just went straight to the fact check. I've read that in the comments.

But then they don't go back.

Right.

I see. Yeah.

Or maybe that's happened, but they didn't report it to me.

Report it if that happens, guys.

Oh, you know what I was relieved to see in the comments? What? Other people thought that about connections. We're not alone.

I mean, of course, our sweet armcherries would think that.

Yeah, but I thought you made me on the fence about them when we talked about it last, that perhaps they were so narcissistic. Oh, they thought Ace? Yes, they thought that that whole edition of the puzzle was a Winkie.

That's cool.

Winkie Wink. This just made me think of something because I said Winkie, and it made me think of Twinkies. Okay. And I'm writing about my deep hostile envy When I was in elementary school, I had a pack of lunch, as you know, and I wanted hot lunch so bad. But then beyond that, I had a brown, like a Soviet era, brown paper sack. And then inside was either two cheese sandwiches or two baloney sandwiches. And then a little serving, half serving of store brand plain potato chips.

Lay's?

Kroger brand. Oh, I see. Yeah, whatever. Big K chips or whatever the fuck. And I would watch kids open up their metal lunch box, and I'd watch them removing the Kraft cheese and crackers prepackaged. The spread. A pair of Twinkies, a fruit rollup, pop tarts.

Yeah. Dunkaroos.

Tons of fun stuff. And then a dessert. And then the drink was a high C or whatever the other option was.

Capri-san.

Capri-san.

Yeah.

Okay, so be honest, what was your lunch? Situation? Yeah. What did you have in My lunch was also brought, but because we've talked about this, I think it's regional, it's school dependent. You didn't want to buy.

I did not want to buy, and I wanted the paper bag. Oh, interesting. Yeah, because a lunch It's too over the top. Too kiddy. It's too over the top. Too childish. Early on, I remember one time I had a thermos with spaghettios in it or something.

Oh, warm spaghettios?

Yeah, but I think I was embarrassed by that. Okay. So eventually it was It's a...

Thanks for reminding me of that. I forgot of that hack. That kids had in thermos is like Chef Boyardee products or Franco American. Franco American was Spaghettios. Was the name of the brand. Oh, really? That was the name of the brand. Oh, wow. You had two options in the can. I thought it was Chef There was Chef Boyardee. There was Chef Boyardee, which was ravioli. Yeah, I remember that. So your popular raviolis. But specifically- Spaghettios. Spaghettios, I believe, is Franco-American. Yeah, I know. Or Franco-American. Rob?

Campbell's.

Campbell's.

Campbell's Spaghetti O's is on the can. There is spaghetti and Meatballs with Franco American. Yeah, that shit was good. Beef ravioli. Yeah, they made a great beef ravioli. Smaller.

Not as good as Chef Boyardee. They had a Spaghetti O's.

Maybe This was generational.

This one was acquired, maybe.

Yeah, maybe. Because it does Spaghetti O's copyright original as Campbell's soup company.

Okay, but Franco American, their raviolis were much smaller. So the Chef Boyardee's were big, and then they came out with Chef Boyardee minis. Minis.

By the time I came around, it was all about the minis.

Yeah, but they were biting on Franco American. Yeah, there's cans of that with spaghettis. Yeah, those were good, man. Their meat, whatever that meat really was, was delicious.

It was good. I ate a lot of it. Yeah, so good. I ate a lot of ravioli.

Get home from school, get the can opener out, boom, in the microwave, one minute. I fucking want it.

I do, too. What?

We're not.

I know.

Okay, so what did you have?

I had Capri Sun, and I had all the junk. You did? Yeah, I did.

All the prepackaged fun stuff. And would you horse-trade? So first it would just be my deep envy of what they had. And then I couldn't participate in what became the classroom bizarre of trading the different things. So some kid would have the Kraft cheese and crackers. He'd have his eye on someone's pop tart, and they'd start horse training. And everyone would have... They had a lot to barter with. And I was like, Does anyone want a Baloney sandwich or some store brand chips?

Did you present it like No.

I'm about to write about this specific part. That's what I'm writing next. It's like, what a disgusting bear I was. I would virtually beg for food. I would be seeing who's not finishing what, and I would panhandle. I would go from desk to desk like, Are you going to eat? I mean, what a loser. I would ask like, Are you going to eat that second pop tart? Yeah, and I would just scavenge like a fucking racoon.

Okay, so to be remember, you had food. It just It wasn't fun food.

It was not fun at all.

People had fun food.

I was a big boy. I wanted more. I'd eat those two sandwiches and those chips. I was like, What else we got? Who's going to throw what away? But it also... Aaron was... I wasn't privy to it because we went to different elementary schools. But what we bonded over at one point is we had both worked at Big Boys. Now, Elias Brothers' Big Boys, not Bob's.

And not dollies.

No, not dolly, our new mascot. And we were both bus boys there when we were... I was 12, and I think he did when he was 14. And it was a progression. At first, I would be clearing the table. And if someone had ordered a slim gym, which is cut neatly in half, and they had eaten one half but hadn't touched the other half, I would eat that half when I got into the kitchen. I would clear the table, and then I would eat the remaining half of it. It's disgusting. Yeah. Yeah. So that's where it started. And like all things, slippery slope. By the end of my time there, I would take a bite directly out of a big bite. It was bite marks. And I felt such shame and embarrassment about that. And then one day, Aaron and I just started chatting about our experience at Big Boi. And I'm like, did you ever eat the food off of the plates? And he's like, yeah. And then he had had the same trajectory. And by the end, you're eating like half-eaten fries. You just don't give a fuck. You get over that and you just want that yummy food and it's free.

Now, I want you to be really honest because my reaction of saying, ewe, is really mean. If you weren't getting enough food, but were you getting enough food? It was just gross and boring Getting in stupid food?

No, what it was is they gave us a half-price menu as an employee there, not even free. And we were making, both of us, this was a minimum wage when you were a minor and you had the card signed, 2:35 an hour. Yeah, that's right. So I would go in there and I'd work for four hours, and I would make a... And then that's 120, so $9.20. And a big boy combination at that time was probably $8. I could have got it for four. That would have been Off the day's wages.

I guess I mean more at home.

Yes, no, I was... My mother fed me.

Your mom fed you. Yeah, I just want to be- She fed me.

I was envious of variety- Exactly. And name brand stuff.

But Aaron, was Are you getting fed?

And there's a lot of it is just government food.

Okay.

But he and I used to murder that government food. We would go through a block of that cheese in no time. And they could get Denti more a lot. We used to eat a lot of Denti more beef stew at his house. It's a canned beef stew. It's delicious.

Not Chef Breddy or Frank Ocean, whatever you said.

Yeah, Franklin Elementary. It's free stuff. We would do that at the movie theater where someone leave popcorn and you just pour the top layer off and then you got a bag of popcorn. But did you find that you slowly eroded your boundaries? So originally it was you find the free refill thing, then dump it out, get the free refill, and then it was just... Fill it out. There it is.

I'm not going to the concession line.

Yes, it's really funny. I was almost wish that all that was documented, like someone's progress in working with food.

Yeah. I actually think I'd feel the opposite. The more you work there, the more disgusted you are by the food there.

You would think that. But I also worked at CPK, and I never tired of that food. I wanted it more the day I quit than I did when I started. That's surprising.

Yeah.

Well, it's an addictive food. Well, sure.

Sure.

Allegedly. What was your prized possession in your lunch? What was the thing that you like? Did you guys do any trading? I didn't let you answer.

I don't remember. I'm sure we did, but I don't remember. It doesn't stick out as a big memory.

I imagine you would have been trying to get cookies.

Yeah, but I also- You're a cookie boy. I'm a cookie monster. Respect my label, please.

If you I'm sorry, he's asked for a shirt, it's a Cookie Boy.

But I had cookies. I didn't have to trade. I don't know how it happened. I don't think I went to the grocery store with my mom. She just got... And to be fair, she got it all because it's easy. It's so much easier to just grab a whole bunch of shit and throw it in a bag. Pre-packaged. Pre-packaged, pre-made. She didn't have time to make the stuff, the Baloney sandwiches. Although she did eventually, she started making my lunch again. She stopped for a long time. That was up to me. And then she picked it back up, I think because she didn't think I was eating well. Okay.

Or she missed it.

Or she missed it, maybe.

She was a working woman. She had the guilt. She might have been in a phase, feeling bad. This is recently she's making you lunch again?

No, she does make me lunch.

She definitely makes you lunch.

Yeah. If you're in your home. But no.

I've been on many Zoom calls with you and I watch her enter with a big- A sandwich.

I'll probably have a sandwich tomorrow.

Big plate of sandwiches.

When I get home. Yeah, I'm taking a red eye tonight. I'm not looking forward to the flight at all.

Yeah, red eyes are never fun.

I really like to fast forward.

Unless it's a proper 10-hour flight. Exactly. Then it's a dream because you missed the whole thing.

Yes. This is rough.

No. This is like a four-hour flight, right? Yeah. Four-four. Four-four and change. Four-and-a-half, four-and-a-quarter. Yeah. And also, I imagine, too, what would happen is you would be at school, you'd see a student who had something fun, and you'd come home and you'd tell mom, Oh, I want snack wells.

Maybe.

Must have been.

I don't have any memories of food.

Food scarcity.

I guess. Yeah, I guess it's food scarcity. I mean, I remember. Obviously, I did because I stole that girl's cookies. So that was a thing. But I mean, I had goldfish. I love goldfish. Sometimes I remember having Cheetos because I remember playing the game where you try not to get any orange on your fingers while you eat them.

Good luck.

Impossible. Yeah. Impossible game.

Unless, not to bring it back to Aaron, but he in his truck kept gloves.

Yes, you did.

He did say that. He was a Flaming Hot Cheeto habit.

Yeah. But, yeah, no, I have... The Dunkaroos were huge.

And again, remind me what Dunkaroos are?

Dunkaroos was like the cheese, the cheese spread in this crackers. But instead, it was small, tiny cookies. And And then Frosting. And you dipped the tiny cookies in the Frosting, and you ate it. But I did choke on it. And like, bad.

Oh, in class.

No, no. Just, thank God. Around the house. If that had happened in school, where someone had to like, heimlich me. Yeah. That's the end. I would have... You would never have met me. I would have died.

I do think it's a weird form of torture, though, to watch kids have so much fun food around you every single day at lunch. I'm sure it is. I'm not saying I'm a victim, and don't feel bad for me, but I will say it's a bit torturous to tear open that sack and watch everyone unload their grocery cart, basically. Yeah. And they look so happy, too. They're laughing. Oh, did the horse training? No one's saying that.

I think you projected that everyone was talking about their food and they're not.

How much fun they were having. Oh, I've never tried these. Oh, my God, this is new. Mom.

Do you think people were like, Guys cannot stop talking about this.

I must have been. I mean, they must have talked about it. He's a begger. Like, he's like having a dog in the classroom. I mean, it's humiliating when I think about how he used to approach people's desk. You did. It was daily. It was agonizing. I was wondering, there's too much. They didn't even finish it all. There's way too much fun stuff. They're throwing the towel at some point. I'm like, Guys, there's no way you're getting... Don't throw that away. Yeah. I haven't had any I'm not doing those crackers yet. Okay, this is a-Dunkeries. Come in.

Hello. Hello.

I'm Linkerbell.

I made this for you.

You What?

This is gorgeous.

There are some mistakes?

No, there are no mistakes.

It's beautiful. Well, don't we call mistakes Wabi-sabi?

Yeah, part of what makes you think. But this is gorgeous. Is it a vase? Yeah. Wow. It's a small commode.

Oh, my gosh. If she had an emergency in her car, would you be offended if she pootied in it?

I would never. I would never pootie in this.

It's easy to clean out, so you know. But I would prefer if you didn't tell me.

Okay, that's good to know.

What you don't know can't hurt you. Oh, we got another visitor who's here now?

This is just beautiful.

Oh, my God. I'm getting showered. It's because you have hair like a bird.

Oh, my goodness.

Hair like a mermaid or a tail like a mermaid? Pull the microphone close to you because I think people should hear it. You got a new character.

This is Delta sick.

These are both so beautiful. I'm so lucky.

It's to the vermeid. And then the vermeid hair is attached to the vermeid. And then that's the vermeid tail. And then the vermeid hair is also attached to the vermeid tail.

Do you need a tissue already? You've been here for five seconds.

Here. I'm going to give you a tissue. Delta has been very sick.

Very, very sick. Her biggest illness. Lincoln has managed to avoid.

Lincoln, how have you avoided getting this plague that she seems to have?

I have not licked her tongue yet.

Yet. But certainly you've been in close enough proximity. And I've smooched her a bunch of times.

I'm cool, though. I don't have any symptoms. I did push-ups today at PE. You did? Yeah.

The kind on your toes or your knees? How many did you do? Me? Yeah. That's cool. Hey, Delta, we're trying to have a conversation over here. Can you keep it up?

This is her in the middle of the night. I can hear, I tried to sleep with her because we sleep with our mom on the weekends, and I tried to sleep with her, and she just snotted. It sounded like she had lost it. Like there was no air in her body because it was just...

Were you scared?

Kind of.

Yeah. We've all were... Numerous times in the last week have been worried while sleeping next to Delta that she has ceased existing and stopped breathing.

Yeah, I have that bad, scary breathing in the night.

Yeah, it's sad.

And then coupled with indiscriminate bouts of crying while you're asleep, too. Talk a little more into the microphone. Do you have a memory of crying during the night in these guys?

I never remember crying in the night. Oh, I need to have bouts.

I never remember crying in the night, but I do cry in the night a lot.

Then sometimes I go into the hallway. I used to go into the hallway, I used to sit down in the middle of the night. I was I sleep, and I was sleepwalking, and then I just cry. Can I have my third tissue?

Yes.

Do you want the box?

No, she can't be trusted with the box. Okay.

That was a good one.

Waterfall, Waterfall. I have such a raw nose.

Yes, that's a great description. It's raw.

Yeah, that's true.

Raw with talent. I said I have a raw nose, but okay.

Oh, you said you had a raw It's okay.

We'll pretend you said it right. We'll use AI to fix it. Yeah.

Definitely. Can I publicly commend you, Lincoln, for having been so patient the whole week that Delta has been sick because she's gotten a lot of our attention.

She's gotten zero attention this past week.

Yeah, and she's also been incredibly helpful to you. She's been bringing you things. She gave me a bath one morning.

Yeah.

That's so sweet.

She let me use all of her Mochis. Oh, that's a big- Which are little Squishies.

I love their Mochis.

You guys are very nice to each other. I really like it. When it counts. When it matters.

It was a test. It was a test, of course. Because there was two conflicting thoughts. Be kind to her and...

And maybe murder her.

Yes, and murder her or just get her high on, I don't know, mucinex. So she passes out. Sure. So then you guys are like, with me.

Yeah, that's honest and true. That's most people struggle with these thoughts.

Yeah, but then I just realized that the only way to get through this and to look back and have no regrets is to be kind to her. I was just like her little assistant, and I asked her TA if she could have a homework packet, and I gave it to her. I was like, I know you may not like this. And she grabbed a pencil, just started whatever you're on the page. Yeah, I turned off the TV and started to write, Oh, did you miss school? Yeah, I missed school. I want to go.

When you went into her classroom, Lincoln, did you present yourself as Delta's executive assistant?

Here to pick up her work? No, but I walked in, and then half of the class are girls, and all of them just started charging at me, running and screaming, Delta, is she okay? I have a card for her. Actually, today, Delta got her friendship bracelet and a card. So popular, right? Yes. I'm like, Don't worry, guys. I was feeling better. Yeah, I got a card and it was really nice. I had a little red friendship bracelet and it said BFF. And then like, I've been having fights at schools. Then it was one of my friends telling me that there was no fights between that group. That relieved me.

Oh, that's good.

You were very popular. You were very popular. I've got a lot of friends. You're Jessie's my best friend, and half the time I was talking to her, she was like, Is Delta okay?

Oh, Jesus. It's affecting my friend group.

Oh my God. It's trickling in.

As you admitted to Delta, you got a lot of attention this last couple of weeks. So let me give Lincoln a little attention right now and just say, I want her to share with people. How's it in my mouth? Excuse me?

How's it in my mouth?

Okay. How's it in my mouth? Lincoln and I took a walk the other day.

Oh, Lincoln, well, we walked by house. She said, What's your favorite house in this neighborhood? I said, Well, I like this one because it has a name. I know you've seen it, too, Monica. There's a house called Casa del Contento. Oh, okay. Or Del Contento. And So then Lincoln said, We need to name our house that we're building in Nashville. In Nashville.

So we were thinking for a while, and then we decided that it has to be something that's ridiculous. He'll Billy like, but then also something prestigious and fancy. Tough, tall order. Yes, exactly. So dad suggested...

I think you should hit him with the full name.

Okay. So dad suggested this one thing, and we laughed about it. And I was like, What's the toilet brand name that we use? Right.

So we have automatic water spraying toilet seats, and they're called Brondles.

They're called Brondoles. So then we decided the full name would be Brown Brown Trout Lodge. Because Brown Trout means poop. Brown Trout Lodge, located in Brondle Springs USA.

The Brown Trout Lodge in Brondle Springs USA.

But then I was like, we named the house Brown Trout Lodge, right? Sure. But then we had to name this barn. We were like, it has to represent the gym because all the gym equipment is going to be in there. So you proposed.

Dan Gaines' Beef Barn. At Brindle Springs.

And for like events, Dan Gaines' Beef Bar buffet. Oh. We have- Breakfast buffet.

Yeah, when we have- Breakfast.

Yeah, like everything. And then we also made our song, Brindle Springs has good things. Brindle Springs gives you wings.

It's more of a chant, but we know we're also going to come up with a country song.

Yes, like a campfire.

Maybe a Blue Bird Cafe. Exactly.

You could sing it at the Blue Bird Cafe. Okay. I have Lincoln currently deployed making artwork for some imagery to accompany the name and the location. So she's in the middle of that. Yes.

I'm designing the verge for Roundtrap Lodge. Yes. Located in Rundle Springs, USA.

Okay, I love you two so much, but we also... We have to work. Please, can you hand me those 62 tissues you-It needs four of them. Okay, I love you. Sweet. Love you guys. Bye.

I love you. Thank you so much for my special...

I'm your expert. Bye. Bye, bye.

I love it so much. Thanks, Bunny.

Come on, just showered in presents.

So many presents. Beautiful, beautiful vase and a little jewelry. Jewelry.

It's so cute. You'll be able to hang things on that tail. You could do a-I could do rings or something.

Yeah.

Put your Dunkaroos in there.

I could. I could.

Did you hear Delta's character? It's more than just she's sick. So first her voice went. Yeah. But then it developed into a whole character. Yeah.

She's doing a thing. Yeah.

Yeah. Yes. So every conversation I've had with her is like, I'm in an SNL sketch for the last week.

She's so cute.

I think.

Yeah. Oh, man. She was really sick.

Yeah. It got a little concerning there for a minute. Yeah, it got a little scary. Yeah. Someone thought she had mono for a minute, one of the doctors.

Yeah, I heard that.

No, no, no, no, no. Nine years old is too You tiny for a mono. Yeah.

But it wasn't. Glad it wasn't that. Yeah. Okay. We were discussing, so I was about to ask a thought, a question.

About food we were still talking about?

We're talking about food. Oh.

Bagging.

Okay. Yeah. Is it rude or normal? If you're at a dinner party and someone doesn't eat all the food and isn't going to take it home, should it be expected that you would get it? Me? Anyone.

Yeah, I definitely think it's cool to go... When someone's clearly done and you go, Are you going to have any more of that steak?

Yeah.

And they'll go, Oh, no, take it. I think your knee jerk would be to go like, Oh, no, do you want it?

Yeah, of course.

And of course it should get eaten if someone still wants to eat.

Yeah, I think so, too.

Yeah, that should be standard operating procedure.

But I guess it can cross a line. Yeah, to me, sometimes it can cross a line.

Well, I know exactly what it could be is that if your patient The place is slow and someone's monitoring you, waiting for you to throw in the towel, but you're like, I'm just eating slow stuff.

Stop paying attention to this. Yes. Yeah. Okay.

It's like eating next to jackals. And that's what I was. I was like, a hyena circling when the lions are eating the carcass. And I was just there as a hyena. Let me have some skin. Give me that bone. No one's eating.

It just makes the vibe a little weird.

Absolutely. Again, it's all regrettable.

No, you were just a kid.

Yeah, but I'm pretty embarrassed, by the way. Just proled around the classroom. There's some cheese left in the bottom of that.

Oh, God. Did you use your finger to scoop up the cheese? Oh, my God. Yeah, of course. But there is a red stick.

But it doesn't get the corners. And I would even fold out the bottom and then suck on it. Yeah. Got to get every last morsel. It was great training for when I would be at the end of a cocaine bag and you turn that inside out and rub it all around your mouth and stuff.

Wow. Okay. Well, that's a ding, ding, Because this is for Bobby Lee.

Oh, I loved this episode.

Me, too. I did, too. But addiction comes up. So, okay, you said that Asians are good at math because of rice production. Action. That's where that stereotype comes from. Malcolm Gladwell.

Yeah, he's got a chapter on it.

Yeah. And he says, it's not true for the reasons you might think, like genetic predisposition to math. It's because was they come from a cultural heritage of rice farming, which created a culture of diligence. So then he has a whole thing about the importance of diligence in math. Says, When it comes to math, the best students are the ones willing to spend a lot of time figuring out how to solve a problem. Okay, so there's that. And then the next fact is also Malcolm Gladwell, which is crazy.

You know what's funny is I just had breakfast with Malcolm Gladwell.

Oh, my gosh.

Yeah. And we were talking I was telling him about the memory expert we had on, and that there's actually a period, and I had forgotten the name of it, and I don't remember it now, but the period where you log and lock in the most amount of memories, and it said in that book, Between 20 and 30, which is why those are your favorite movies and those are your favorite- I thought it was 13. Okay, let's say it was 14 and 30, but it went up to 30. Okay. I was telling him, I was on my tear of his books in my late 20s, and they're almost like the last bit of books I locked in all of the information.

That's interesting.

And I was asking him if he has those books, and he goes, Oh, yeah, not only do I have those books, I regularly go back and read them. They're the only ones I'm interested in going back and brushing up on it.

Yeah, that makes sense.

And I was like, Yeah, dude, I can tell you every paragraph of the Korean Airlines fucking chapter. Yeah. They're so cemented in my brain. That's funny. Unlike anything else. The reminiscence bump from 10:00 to 30:00. 10:00 to 30:00. Okay.

Okay, but so the second fact, you said airplane crashes. It's never just one thing that goes wrong. I feel a little anxious doing this today as I'm about to get on an airplane.

It should comfort you because several things have to go wrong.

Well, according to outliers, a typical plane crash involves seven consecutive human errors.

Seven? I mean, that's a lot of human errors.

Yeah. I mean, there's been a lot of knock-on-wood airplane stuff recently, though.

That's true. There was that what? Door. There was the door, but then there was also some software that would trick the plane in the thinking.

There's a whole bunch of- Well, there's a whole bowling trial, right?

Exactly. Then the guy killed himself.

Yeah.

Which is given rise to conspiracy theories, of course.

Yeah. Okay, ayahuasca. I was just looking up a little bit about what it does, what it does to the brain.

It says it says- Abliterate? What if it just had one word?

It says it just has activations in the ocipital, temporal, and frontal areas of the brain. I mean, there's not that much.

I can't imagine it's been studied all that thoroughly.

Yeah. It says, Activates a complicated network of vision and memory, which heightens the internal reality of the participants. Guess how it's spelled?

Ayahuasca. A-y.

Am I already off? No.

A-y-i-o-x-i-c-a.

Okay. You were right. You started off right. For a minute. Yeah. A-y-a-h-u-a-s-c-a.

Oh, I thought there was an X in there.

I thought there was a I. I thought it started with an I.

Okay. Yeah. Ayahuasca. Yeah. But I think it's I, like I, I, I.

Yeah, clearly is.

Yes, obviously. We know that now. I just said that.

Now we know. Okay. You said you think that men watch YouTube more. Right. 54.4%. So not that much more.

Yeah, it's hardly a majority. Yeah. That must have changed. I think that's come down.

It makes sense, though, because there's so much makeup videos and all these things that women watch on YouTube. Yeah.

I think more and more content is drawing them there as well. Yeah, definitely. But it would have been easy back when it was more like a 60 or 70% market share that men had. I would have then made the argument in the same way we would make about them sexually, that men are so visual.

Yeah, but no.

But no. Can't make that. Yeah. And women watch porn, apparently more than men. It's crazy.

All right. Them's the facts.

Them's was the fact?

Yes.

Any updates from you?

No, not really. I'm going, as I said, I'm going on flight. I'm going home for Mother's Day.

That's very nice of you.

Yeah.

And is your mom excited about that?

Yes.

Yes. She's excited. She feel loved?

I hope so. I'm also... Allison Roman is doing a live show. Oh, she is? She has a podcast, and She's doing a live show, and she asked me to be her guest, so I'm going to do that. Fun.

You're doing a live show in Atlanta?

Yeah.

Well, oh, this will already... You've already done it. We should have said something on the previous fact check. I know. Oh, well. The Franco American Playhouse? Yes.

Okay. The Franco American I have. And they're going to serve Spaghettios.

Oh, as they should. I guarantee you, in the annals of comedy, there was a comedy troupe named the Spaghettios. Unfortunately, I- I'm sure. I guarantee you.

I'm sure of it.

I guarantee you.

I'm debating whether I should drive to the airport.

Sure. If you're just gone for two days. The only problem that I can foresee...

I've never done it.

Well, here's the thing. I do it often, but I only do it in Kristen's car because there's electric car only parking, and there's always spots. But I have been there where I was like, fuck, man, if we hadn't driven the electric car, I don't know that there'd be a parking spot here. Really? So that's a little scary. But I wonder if there's a way, a website that tracks. How many? I mean, fuck, the parking lots are so automated, and they tell you whether there's spots. I wonder if you could find out ahead of time if there's vacancy.

I'll have to look. And then I can just leave.

Yes.

Which would be really nice. So I'll figure that out.

So that's a debate. That's a big debate. That's for Thursday. You take your Prius and you can park in then.

No, you can't.

You just got to tape the charger to the side of it.

You charge it for two days then?

You just plug it in to satisfy them. I'm not even doing any real charging. It's charged from my house, and then you have to put your credit card in. Oh, yeah. I mean, this is where people who call bullshit on some of this stuff, they have a point. I guess it incentivizes people to drive electric cars. Yeah. Yeah, but I don't think anyone... But I don't know. I take that back. But I'm sure people are charging their cars.

Probably. I mean, that'd be a great place to do it if you go on a flight for a day, for two days.

I just don't know who doesn't charge a car at night. I don't know many people who are panically looking for a charging station. Not many people I know in LA are driving more than 100 miles. The ranges on these things are 200 miles. And it's three hours to charge it. So if you're leaving it for two days, it's charged right away. Yes, that's another interesting part. You charge your car every night, right? Yeah. Every couple of nights, but at home. Right. And you're never looking for a charging opportunity. No. Only if we're driving to Big Bear, Joshua tree. Right. You'll go in to those fast chargers things. And are those fun? I've heard there's some of them have cappuccino and stuff.

I don't know about that.

I don't do it enough for them.

Cappuccino?

Oh my God. Yeah.

Sounds lux.

I like that.

Me too. Okay, well, I hope everyone enjoyed that episode because I thought it was really nice.

I loved it. I hope everyone listens to it. Me too. It had all the things. He's so fucking funny.

Oh, my God, he is so funny.

When you were listening to it, were you just dying?

He's very, Very funny. Oh, I love them.

Is there an update about jogging? Only because it's been a hot button topic in the comments, and I just wonder if you had any more. Actually, yes. Oh, tell me.

I have been running at a different time.

Great. With earlier, I imagine?

To try to avoid the situation. And also I have a friend who knows someone in that group.

Oh, interesting. Yeah. And have they talked to them?

I don't know. I just said yesterday, I was like, this is what's going on. And she said, oh, I know. I know someone who goes there. Yeah, there's a patch of grass and they all meet because they invited her because she has a dog. Oh, okay. And she was like, well, it's far away from me. But, yeah.

We met an incredible dog today.

We did. It was a really good dog. I liked it.

Oh, my God. I never met a dog like that.

Yeah, it was really nice. It was so weird. She was nice.

She was a mix... She looked like a A mild animal, but she was so happy.

Yeah. Well, she looked like a husky.

I think she looked like a fox. She was tiny.

Yeah. Very fluffy. But, yeah. So the update is I've adjusted. Okay. I You feel defeated by that adjustment? I'm not happy about it. No, I'm not. I also feel like it's funny to me that it's, as you say, a hot button issue. I don't look at the comments, and I'm not going to, especially if there's mean stuff about my opinion.

Well, is disagreement mean?

Well, I don't know. I'm not on there. I assume yes, because the internet's mean.

Oh, okay. That's probably a logical assumption No, there's disagreement.

Okay. Anyway, I stand by that I feel that people should be aware of other people out in the world, but that's fine. I can adjust.

All right. I love you. Have a blast in Atlanta and have fun with your mom and tell her that I love her and give her a hug, you and a kissy. I will. I will. Thank Ashoka for the sim. It continues to be great. I will.

All right. You'll pass it along. Please do. Okay, bye. Love you. Love you.