Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Expert. I'm Dax Sheppard. I'm joined by Lily Padman. A Lily Padman.

A Lily, a Lily.

Alana Glazer is our guest today.

Funny Gal.

Funny Gal. She is a comedian, an actor, a writer, a producer, a director, an activist. Broad City. I mean, let's just start there. What a great show. And the Afterparty, which I love. Rough Night, Falls Positive, The Planet is Burning. She has a new movie out in theaters now called Babes. Pregnant from a one-night stand? What happens next? I watched it.

Very funny. Yeah, it's in Theaters Now, and it's getting great, great reviews and stuff. Yes. This reminds me, though, just this intro. The other day, I was going to bed listening to a podcast, and I normally do sleep time at the end of episode, but I forgot, and I fell asleep, and when I woke up, it was us.

Oh, boy. What a nightmare.

Us. It was an intro.

Did you feel like you were late for work?

I was so confused. I was so confused. Oh, my God.

Well, please enjoy Elana Glazer.

He's an option expert. He's an option expert. Oh my gosh. So excited sitting here. Thank you for having me.

Thank you for coming. Hi, how are you? Welcome. Good. I'm trying to get you in this attic for years.

Thank you.

That's so sweet.

I think my first run at you was Brooklyn. Bam. Oh, gosh.

Four years ago. Oh, my gosh. That's crazy. Five years. I don't even remember. I remember so little in my life. 2019. It was scary. Pre-pandemic. You know, but I believe that I wasn't ready. You weren't ready.

It always happens when it's supposed to happen. Agreed. How tall are you? Can I ask?

Five, one and a half. I do that.

I'm five feet and a half inch. So you're exactly one inch taller than me. When we hugged, I was like, oh, yeah, you're my- We fit perfectly.

Jack, that was an incredible hug. Oh, my God. Thank you so much. How tall are you?

6'2 and a half.

Yeah. And how tall is Kristen?

Five one. Okay, cool. But for you guys to say five, one and a half, and Monica to say five and a half, we get it. For me to say 6, 2, and a half, doesn't it sound a little egregious?

I think it's a life bit that's funny and worth keeping. Okay. And you were born in 1987. Did I catch that correctly? Yes. Yes, love.

Did I catch that correctly? Wow. You sound like you're doing an intake form. And you've been married for six Did I get that correctly?

We are Year of the Rabbit in the Chinese calendar. Do you know that? So am I. I did not. Really? Yeah.

How old are you? Maybe that's the same. 57. No, 49. No, 49. 1975.

Wow, cool. Wow. Cool.

Wow. Maybe that explains the connection because on the surface, Monty and I are very different. But there's a rhythm, and it might be the rhythm of the rabbit.

It honestly is that rabbit energy, which I'm already feeling already. Oh, my gosh, we're all the bunny energy. We're like, and then also we're willing to go back. I'm like, Hold on, put a pin. Okay.

Earmark's a big saying of ours. Exactly.

So many pins, so many earmarks.

Where do you live currently?

I live in Brooklyn, New York.

Okay. Because I watched an interview with you, and you were in the backyard of an LA residence on Zoom, and you were talking about how pleasant it was outside. Then I thought, Oh, did you get a place here or did you move here? Were you here for an extended period of time at all?

I was. When I was pregnant, I was filming the after party in Apple TV Plus by Lord Miller.

We had them.

They're so delicious. They're just It's like such good guys. Good guys meets good quality art.

It almost smells.

It stinks, right? Not with them. They're so cute. Also, the fact that there's two of them, it's not obnoxious because it's split between two people.

Yes, actually.

Wow.

I guess what I'm saying is just like, there's so much charisma there between the two of them. They're cute and they're that talented.

Yeah, they're really cute. Yeah. They're so cute. They're so cute. Also, curly and straight. We got variety. You know what I mean? It's cute.

Wait, are you good friends with Darcy?

Very good, very old friends with Darcy.

You're so Darcy vibes.

Oh, yes. She is kinetic magnetic. Never forget it. Really? Trying to make that work, but it didn't fully. I like it.

No, it worked.

It worked. Did you guys meet at UCB?

Yes, 18 years ago.

Whoa. 2006?

Exactly. Year of the Rabbit.

Year of the Rabbit. What have we found that out, though?

I don't know, but we will look into this.

Rob, will you look up and see if 2006 is the Year of the Rabbit?

That is when I enter comedy in New York.

I really want that to also be the Year of the Rabbit.

Oh, gosh. Just tell us it is, even if it's not.

Yes, rabbit. Not dog.

Not dog. Okay, definitely not dog.

Well, dog's good, too. Oh, dog's great. I'm also a dog for sure. What animals do you guys identify as?

Oh, I love this question. I'm always asking Dax's question. He always says the wrong answer about me. L-o-l. Yeah, it's rough.

What do you say?

Chinchilla. What?

No, hold on. You are not representing me fairly at all.

Okay, tell your side of the story.

Well, I have said a fox. You're clever.

Oh, that's nice. That's hot. Foxes are hot.

Yeah, foxes are hot.

I think maybe I made you say something. I was like, Can you say one that's positive?

That's not insulting.

But somehow that debate landed on me saying that perhaps Monica was a sex Chinchilla. Sex Chinchilla? It had to be sex. Or sexy. Is there any way you can say sex and then an animal and it's fine?

But you mean a chinchilla for sex?

No, no, no. It was like, sex animals. A sex chinchilla small. I know you don't like it.

I already know you don't like it. I don't love it.

It's not for you. Tell me about, you describe Vibe Long Island is having White Long Island, Jewish Long Island, and then Italian Long Island. You are smack dab in an Italian Long Island. I want to know what that vibe was.

Long Island starts with Brooklyn, considered New York City, Queens, considered New York City. Then really Long Island is two counties, Nassau and Suffolk. Long Island is the experimental ground for the suburbs. The first suburbs were literally invented on Long Island. Really? Lava town, it's called. It was like army barracks. Jerry Seinfeld grew up there. It's just this interesting look at what whiteness means. The city was segregated, but then you're all like, mashed up and shit. The suburbs, you could really separate people by red-lining. Was really first done on Long Island. Robert Moses, you know him?

Oh, yeah. He got the L-I-E out there?

Yes, L-I-E. He designed all this shit. He started in the cities. He invented projects, and it was like, thanks, but what? Then he invented suburbs, seriously. On long on the two counties, Nassau and Suffolk, Nassau today is very diverse but still very segregated. Suffolk remains primarily white.

Is that one the distal end of it, furthest from New York City?

That's where the Hamptons are on the Forks, which the Hamptons are totally separate from Long Island. It's almost only for Real Housewives to be filmed. It's a theme park. Yes. Okay. Exactly.

My introduction was Fitzgerald, West egg.

That's NASA before real families moved out there, when wealthy people from the city would move further and further east for their beach towns. My town, actually, St. James was a beach town during the '20s. Stanford White is a famous architect in New York who his beach house was in my town. Then I did musical theater with his great grandson.

How close to the water were you?

Fifteen minute drive.

Were you there frequently? Is it a big part of childhood? Huge.

So beautiful. I love Long Island so much. It It was so gorgeous. I remember bringing two of my best friends, Inti and Matt, from college to Long Island. We took the L-I-R-R out, and they could not believe it. Such a special northeast, rocky beaches. We would go to the beach all the time.

I have the same thing, and I had the pride of taking Monica to Lake Michigan. I think people are like, Hold on a second. This is an ocean, and I can drink it. It's fresh water. Crazy. Yeah. It's pretty crazy. I have a lot of pride in that place.

I don't think I've ever been there, and I really want to because you know, Kristenristen did one of my political messaging videos and talked about her love of her also home state, Michigan, and damn, did she sell it. I was like, Shit, I want to go to Michigan, bitch.

You got to go in the summer.

Let's be fair. She could have probably put a really good spin on Name Shitty Place. I'm too nervous to mention one now, but we all know what a Shitty Place is. I bet she could get you to buy a ticket for that.

I know.

Tell her the product, that girl.

So cute and likable. I also wanted to really quick say, Jews are in NASA. I was with Italians in Suffolk. Italians have white people. Third, fourth, fifth generation, white European, potato farmers ancestors and truly Mafia. That's what I've heard you say. Being in someone's house and being like, I think this is a Mafia house. Okay. And also being like, I had planned a sleepover.

You would pull the cord. You would bounce.

I think I would shiver in my sleeping bag and be very uncomfortable. That was my vibe.

I would have gone the other way out. I feel so safe here. The dad is a murderer. If shit goes down, he is well-armed and we're gold. What year was it? Is Sopranos on at this moment? Yes. That's got to be infecting your imagination a bit.

We didn't have HBO, so I hadn't seen the Sopranos until the pandemic, but it definitely was bolstering a vibe.

Yeah, it wasn't the zeitgeist. You're going to be so mad at me, but I do have to stop and ask a very important since you grew up at the beach. You can answer this, too, if you'd like. But it's a question that came up on Sings, a show that we also have under our umbrella with Liz Plank. And Liz thinks that everyone knows this piece of information, that when you get in water and you're on your period, your period stops. Did you know that?

Yes.

What?

You didn't know that? No. I'm so sorry. We are systematically kept from knowing our own body, so it's not on you.

So it's not my fault. Okay, thank you. I like that spin on it. But also, I was sure that not very many people knew that. Did you know that? No. I didn't know that.

It makes sense, though. It does make sense. You don't want to attract predators.

Gravity-wise.

You don't want blood leaking out of you when you are in the ocean. It's not advisable. I mean, that's what they say, the shark can smell blood from miles away. Well, that's why it's like, be careful.

If you're on your period, don't go near sharks. And bears. And bears.

That's true.

But that's not in water.

The bear's thing, I'm like, for real. No, it's for real.

And I'll tell you how I know. The first movie I did was with Bart the Bear. He wasn't the star, but he was in it. And they flew him down. Do you know Bart the Bear? He's a very famous bear.

He's a big actor, for real.

Truly.

He's much We're talking about an animal, a bear.

Named Bart the Bear. Brad Pitt did a doc on Bart the Bear. Great career and resume. He was in The Edge with Sir Anthony Hopkins. Many, many movies.

Wait, a literal actor bear?

A 1,200-pound grizzly bear who performs in film and television. Several times. A ton of times.

I'm telling you, the career would blow away most any actor you would talk to. And his trainer, Doug.

I am dying, Bart the Bear, because I love Coco, and we don't talk about Coco enough. The gorilla? Yes. Okay, go on. I'm just taking it in.

Okay, so Doug has these insane eyes. I can attest to it. He can do with this bear that a human cannot do with a bear, right? That's just a side note. So he comes down with Bart. Other side note, Bart left Utah where he lives. He flew to San Francisco. Then he flew to China, then he flew down to New Zealand. New Zealand had never had a grizzly bear. They carry him in an enormous horse trailer. He's got a night shoot. We all hate night shoots, and bears are not nocturnal.

Oh, this is sickening appropriately, or am I sensitive?

I think you're sensitive. It's fine. Bart is the happiest bear.

Sometimes acting isn't all you think it is. Sometimes it's traveling in cages.

It's so much worse than what you think it is, which is why I'm sickened.

You'll also be happy to know that Bart regularly mauls the people that he works with. So if that helps you feel like the scales are balanced? Oh, no. Doug has two other trainers with him, and they have scars everywhere on their face.

You have to play Bart's trainer, You and Ike. Come on.

That'd be great.

I love it.

Wing up, bleeding. This is ill. I'm going to wow you right now. The proof is in the pudding because Doug has no scars. The other two folks have scars galore, and they carry little baths. They're like, Stop, Bart, stop. But this is the speech Doug gave to us. He said, Here are the rules when working around Bart. They must be followed. Number one, no one can be here on their period. So that's real. He will smell the blood and he'll get very distracted by that.

You can't even have a tampon in?

He didn't specify about tampons. Presumably, maxi pads are a pass because there's a lot of air exposure. I'm teeming. I don't know.

The pheromones would get exposed.

For sure.

I don't think even with a tampon, you were safe to be on set. That is so scary.

You were present. For this.

Scary. I'm going to hit you with a knockout punch. Second rule, do not look Bart in the eyes. Well, Duh. Third.

I'm chilled.

Do not be scared around Bart. And if you are scared- Okay, sure. Fear makes Bart nervous.

Yeah, me too. Last rule number four. Bears make me nervous, Dax.

Don't ever run away away from Bart because it'll trigger his predator instinct to chase. My very first scene, well, any of our first scenes with Bart, I'm standing, my back is to the bear, Seth and Matt can see the bear. I'm telling a story. They're signaling me, Turn around, there's a bear behind you. I have to turn around in real life, look Bart directly in the eyes, scream at the top of my lung scared, and then run away. And what is between us, Alana, is a little electric cord that's six inches off the ground. They said, Don't worry, Bart will never cross this line. He knows not to cross this electrified. Because he'll be shocked? Yes. But I was all but on my period. I was three of the four things you can't do is the first thing we shot. And as I ran away, I was waiting to just get fucking tackled by the bear.

I don't like the intimacy between Doug and Bart.

Oh, you think it's inappropriate?

It makes me uncomfortable.

They love each other.

For sure. I'm also like, does Bart have a checking It's Doug's, right?

Yes. I think Doug manages his money for him. But in his defense, Bart is terrible at math. He would make a mess of his finances.

But also, I don't think it's inappropriate, but I think it's a little worrisome for Doug because it's like, what's the Tiger guy?

He's so not like that guy, though.

But what's that guy's name? I've forgotten him. The Tiger guy. The Tiger guy who got killed by his Tiger.

No, he didn't get killed by his Tiger. Okay.

He got mauled.

You're thinking of Siegfried and Roy. That's what I'm talking about.

Oh, we thought you were talking about the Tiger King. No, no, no.

No, I'm not talking about Joe Exotic. He got killed by a person, I think.

Yeah, not Joe.

We've lost him.

Are you joking? I'm not. Oh, I think, famously, the woman in the dark.

I thought he went to jail. He's alive. He's alive, okay.

Okay, wow.

Well, we got to really take what you say with a grain of salt. We're learning real time. I don't know if Long Island has two counties now. To be honest.

He's alive.

He's alive.

Okay, sorry. He's a version of alive.

Tiger King. And sorry to the woman, mainly.

To all women. I Some woman killed him.

How quick you are.

Oh my gosh.

Okay, I want to know about a little Alana in elementary school in the Italian working class. You didn't answer if your parents were in insurance and finance, if I got that right or wrong.

My dad sells life insurance, and my mom doesn't work. She did telemarketing at night when I was a kid.

What was she slinging?

I don't know.

Have you ever done some telemarketing?

I mean, I've done sales.

Okay, where?

At a company that we based my character's on in Broad City. It was called Life Booker, and it was a weird pyramid scheme for spas. Oh, are you not selling these appointments? These are slow hours. Offer them on our website for cheaper We'll take a cut and you'll fill that time instead of stand around. Why not just stand around?

That was the closer. It said it on the sheet. It was in triple bold.

Also, it's a little misogynist-coated. Instead of stand around all day, toots, fill that appointment.

Were you a closer? I'm being serious. He must have been your personable. Yeah, it was pretty charming. Did you move product?

A little. If it wasn't a good deal, I was like, I don't blame you. It's hard for me to lie. I actually did that job with Abby Jacobson and Lucia on Yellow. Lucia got me the job. I got Abby the job. No way. I was actually selling whatever, shitty appointments in LA, and it was harder for me to grasp the vibe here.

But probably less guilt. For sure. You're like, these fucking LA people.

It's so far away that it was more distant.

You dehumanized All right, so I don't know where then finance came from, but the elementary school vibe. Did you go to a public school? Yeah. What kid were you? You were likable, I'd imagine.

I was always pretty this. I was funny, desperate to be funny and really hoping to be liked, very anxious and thus productive.

Meaning you were a good student?

And more socially aware.

Building relationships.

Yeah. Actually, my first-grade teacher came to one of my shows on my tour in Seattle, and she was telling me how I used to, in first grade, organize the kids and get everybody prepared for what was coming. It's so funny, my daughter does the same thing at preschool. Wow. Bizarrely. She's a little boss. Yeah, and tells also the teachers what's going on. So and so is crying. Just letting you know. Helps people get their shoes on. That's how I was, too. For me, I can't speak for her, but a little bit of trying to offer extra in case I'm not enough.

Sure. So you can't be left behind. You need to be needed.

Can I introduce, Elliott's how much older? Four years older. My brother's five years older. I have huge little brother syndrome. I wanted to be cool. I wanted to be worthy of hanging out with. Then I think that just invaded every aspect of my life. Were you at all doing any of that? You adored him, right?

Obviously. Yeah, obsessed. We played so much as kids and made a lot of comedy videos as kids. Then when he was starting to go through puberty, I was so sad about the distance. I was like, Bye. Fuck. Really wanted to hang and hang with him and his friends and was also like, Oh, your friends. Tell me more about your friends. Yeah. But I also feel that I I would act like the older sister, too. There was a comfort in being the second. The system had already been set up, and so sometimes our roles would switch, too.

Well, you were probably at the same maturity level.

Exactly. I think also in trying to prove something, I was like, I'm so mature and I'm such a good kid. I don't cause any trouble. My brother had much more freedom stirring shit when we were kids, which is a natural thing, and I did not. Then I think later about my 20s, not even naughty. I wish it was naughty. Like, dumb shit, I'm thinking too much. Now, looking back, I'm like, what?

It wasn't that much. No, no.

It was dangerous, bitch. You know what I mean? Oh, there was a lot. Yeah. Like, New York City. You don't remember what happened? Hucking up with people and it's like, you didn't have to do that. I wish I had stirred more shit as a kid But I guess I didn't feel comfortable. Also, I went through puberty so young and girls do first. We also were starting to go through puberty at the same time. It was so awkward. I just finished my tour and taped it. One of my bits is like, I got titties at nine. Oh, really? Wow. I was like, what the heck? Thirteen years old. I was like, What do I do with these? Especially with the, should I just describe, how do I act with these? They're almost inherently naughty. Speaking of the culture on Long Island, it was a very aggressive culture.

You mean machismo?

Yes. I got scary energy.

Too early. I was scared. They drew attention to you in a way that you weren't understanding or comfortable with.

Yes. My parents also being Jewish- The listener should know your titties are actively out right now as you tell this story. I was just Is there only one of these buttons?

You've really gone the other... You've really come to embrace it.

I meant more for the lower half to be...

I was like, Okay, but I have gone the other way. That would have been the best video segment. I do wish we had a video just for that moment.

Yeah, I'm loving it all now, but at the time... Oh, but there weren't many Jews. We were a minority in my town, and culturally, we were, too.

I was curious, were the other kids aware of that? Was there something visually? Were they able to identify you as other?

I mean, I was a white person, and there were people of color in my town that were minorities. You have dark hair. My But it was my fro, for sure. My Jew fro. That I was like, Oh, what do I do? And I was like, L-O-L.

I'm an Afro and he double D boob in third grade.

I know. I don't even- How are we going to play this?

I don't even have a reference for some '70s character. My back hurts and my hair's curly.

Truly. So just that. But really more what it was culturally, everybody else was so gendered. The edges were soft in my family. My brother's gay, and he was gay. Jews are also visibly queer. The women are masculine, the men are feminine. My parents are chill, and they are who they are. I just didn't know what to do with it. But yeah, we were definitely going through puberty at the same time.

Did boys like you?

Middle school, yes, but it was scary. Also, I was only scared of my body. I wasn't like, This is cool and this feels good. I was like, This is so scary. But it seemed like it was working for my male peers. Sure. My body.

But you didn't like the attention.

I was confused, and I wasn't hooking up.

Is Long Island like it was in Michigan? Kids were doing an insane shit in junior high. It started pretty early.

Yes, but I wasn't. I just said this to my husband the other day. I was like, Can You know what I remembered in the comments of the middle school? This boy, Dan, I didn't like him, but he comes up to me. I'm in sixth grade, and he's like, I just jerked off to you the other night. I was like, Okay, Dan. That's a lot. I don't know. He didn't know what the fuck to do. I don't know what he thought. And yes, it's violent, but also it was Y2K, maybe. Sure.

Nobody knew the world was ending. I'm actually not shocked he said that to you. As much as I'm shocked, he would admit that in junior high. I don't think dudes where I I grew up admitted they even masturbated until much later.

That's what I'm talking about with the cultural stuff where it was like, it was very boys jerking off.

Maybe it's already in a lot of movies because our age got. Maybe they were seeing people own that. It is comforting, though, as much as I'm sorry that that was your experience. It does remind me you can't win. You had boobs, you didn't want them. But some other girls, she would have cut off her fucking pinky toe to have those boobs.

Now I've done so much therapy that I'm like, what an interesting I've had. I don't have a feeling about it, but I used to be really fucking mad, and I used to really mourn the loss of not hooking up. I didn't really do it choicefully and enjoy it until senior year with a really nice boyfriend I was lucky enough to have. I think that would be winning if I was taking pleasure in it. Honestly, I didn't masturbate till later either. I was scared. It's like, Girl, go get them titties.

I was rolling around all the time. I loved it. What a time to be alive.

It's just a time to get to know yourself. That, to me, is winning either way. If you're an ugly duckling, but you're like, You know what? I am sexy. I was so scared all around. I think no matter what your situation, the way you can win is taking time and space and pleasure in yourself, which I did not know how to do.

Yeah. The desire to not been scared makes a ton of sense. Yeah.

But it would have changed your whole life.

That's why I'm like, It wouldn't change a thing, but- Yeah. I'm finding it now, the pleasure in general in all different things. Wouldn't change a thing.

Yeah. Okay, then when we get to high school, what strata are we in and what are the clicks? Are they generically the ones I think they are? There are jocks and then chemo kids.

I guess there's jocks. Can a person say Guido? Can a non-Italian person say that?

That's up to you to decide. I'll tell you this, I say Guido all the time. There are other white people. You're allowed to let a rip on other white people. I call my wife a Pollock. I mean, if I can't fuck with the white people, I tap out. For sure. The crouts, the fucking Guidos.

But picture jocks, but Guidos, and cheerleaders, but Guidos.

Kind of Jersey Shore vibe a little bit?

Totally. Honestly, the people on Jersey Shore were from fucking Long Island. No, they weren't. Yes. Jersey is part of the mainland. Long Island is a penis that hangs off of all of the United States. That gets crazier and crazier the deeper you go because they're not connected to anybody.

It's enormous.

Three hours to get from one end to the other. There's definitely emo, like jizz stained, jaggings that boys are wearing.

Certainly, if you can call the emo group jizz stained, I think you can go with Guido for the fucking trans and I'm driving gold 10 wearing.

There's musical theater kids, for sure. Us queer musical theater kids, queer art kids.

Were you? No, I was a skateboarder, punk rocker, snowboarder. Oh, Beach. I love it. But I read as a jock, right? Do I trigger you as a jock at all?

Isn't that jocky?

No. No, that was super antisocial to be into punk rock, snowboarding, and skateboarding, and BMX. Those were all alternative pursuits. It's very athletic. It's football, it's baseball, it's basketball. They weren't team sports.

You're only a jock if you get hazed. So, yeah, there's typical groups like that.

Where were you in that? You were in the queer theater group?

Yes, but I also had a main, generally appealing, somewhat good kids group. I actually just remembered, I was in this group called The Positive Edge. Dare had sunk into our brains, and we were in an anti-drug group that then everybody ended up drinking and stuff on the trips. It was vaguely Christian. It was so off. Also, no overnight trips with teachers. Let's not do that. Let's not send teens with grownups anywhere, remotely, ever.

Well, that's a good question. We were a very agnostic family. I think we went to church when we were with our grandparents, and I would occasionally develop a friendship with a boy, and then be like, Hey, you want to come on my church's trip to the theme park? I'm like, I damn well want to go to that theme park, but I don't know about going to church. Was that happening to you as a Jewish girl?

I was honestly too creeped out by it all. Yeah, I was not trying to be a Christian person at all.

Me either. I was trying to go to Cedar Point.

I would do that at camp with Jews. And Hebrew school. I really loved because it was just like a Jew-y, ball-busting nature, if you will.

So you were really embracing it.

Yeah. I was also always anointed the token Jew to present the Jewish holidays or whatever and talk about literally the calls.

You were the mast head of the Jewish contingent in school.

And also I had a core group of best friends who are still my best friends to this day, and we get dinners in Brooklyn every month. But we were really happiest before the high school group formed in eighth grade, embracing the nerdiness before we had to try to be fucking cool again in high school. We were so happy finding our nerdiness from sixth to eighth grade. Eighth grade, we were hitting a fucking stride.

It's very rare for people to feel like you and I do, which is if I could live a single year in my life over and over, we're going to be seventh grade. And that's rare. I think most people don't like junior high.

eighth grade was good and sweet. It's almost like when you see kids, their baby selves, they're so unconscious of how themselves they are. And then they are these little kids. And then it's like a self-awareness. So these cliffs of self-awareness.

It's this sweet spot between you have a bit of identity and then yet not too much. Also, you have enough freedom to get in trouble. The boys I hung out with, it was like, we were doing mischievous stuff. We were vandalizing things and throwing apples at cars. And then high school, it gets criminal. It's like theft. Now everything just ratchets up.

I also was the President of my class, 11th and 12th grade, which really feels related to comedy to me. It's like I was in the AP classes, but like a C student, not genuinely smart enough to be there, but socially supposed to be there. And the President thing, I remember tasting baked ziti for the prom.

Those were my responsibility. Your cultural experiment.

That was just my responsibility to choose the menu. But it was the production. It was social. It was about talking to different people, hoping they like me, which is what What the fucking comedy is. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Did you ever get to go and eat that Sunday dinner at an Italian friend's home?

Oh, yes, constantly.

Are you envious of that?

Specifically, the Barisi's. Oh, my God. Dominic Barisi. Her dad would make these fresh pizzas, literally the mustache, everything. He'd say, Hey, how are you, sweet art? Bringing me in, and kiss in my face. And I'm just like, Oh, my God. Yeah, so, so good. So fucking good.

They got that one figured out. The Italians in that Sunday dinner, that family dinner. It was supposed to be. They eat for 17 hours that day.

Oh, my God. Yeah, so extended. And it's beautiful. Jenna Barisi, actually, the way she lives now on Long Island with her family and everybody's helping out her brother and sister. I'm just like, damn, that looks good. That's correct. It's tribal.

We were just in India, and there's a weird parallel between the Indians and the Italians we figured out.

I think America is very unique in its individualism.

Psychotic, honestly. It's a lot.

I don't know, though. When I go to England, I'm like, this is certainly not the Italian experience.

Right, that's true. It ranges.

England.

Have you heard of it? Have you heard of it? Just hearing that for the first time? Did you say England? Inglewood or England? What did that England mean?

You just wanted to see what it sounded like. I'm trying to understand what you're coming out of your mouth.

England. Oh, that is nice. England. It's a lot of consonants in a row, but you can make it where England.

I'm trying to understand what the cultural cadence was that you were trying to identify in.

It's not a big, passionate, boisterous, Sunday family-filled vibe. It's not very familiar.

How Hell, no. Never been, but, hell, no.

You know without going, it's not bad.

Never heard of it, but it's not- And I love it.

I love it. I love it, England.

You're not in check. My grandma Harriet used to get these giggle fits, and we would all just silently let them pass.

There's a bath.

Would she ever pee her pants?

It's possible.

Okay. Because my mom was big in peeing her pants.

Oh, my God.

That's so sweet. You really knew you got her when she had to leave and go change herself.

That's so cute. I love that.

Can I tell you the funniest example of it of all time? What's her name? Laura Louise Lebeau. Love of my life. She took me to a colonoscopy once here in LA. I go through the procedure, and it's in one of these rooms, but there's 12 beds in the little sheets go around each bed. You don't really have privacy. I'm in one of the beds, corned off with the sheet, and then my mom's 12 feet away, and she's sitting on the bed I started on with a sheet around her.

Wait, I'm sorry. She has a sheet around her?

She's sitting on one of those beds that you could close the sheet around. Just to give you privacy.

Just to chill, because it was your colonoscopy. Me.

Yes, but we started on a bed where I changed in the outfit and got taken in there. And then I got taken away and then brought back, and they let my mom just hang in there and wait on a different bed. Copy. I don't even know she's in there. I come out of anesthesia, and the nurse says to me, You may feel the urge to fart.

Did they really say fart or did they say pass gas?

Oh, that's a good question. I don't know that I know for sure.

Because I just cannot imagine.

Although they deal in farts, man. It might be completely over it as well.

Yeah, you're right.

Totally. I say, Oh, no, I actually don't. She goes, Okay, I'm going to roll you on your side. I go, Oh, okay. She rolls me on my side. Alana farted for no joke, maybe 30 seconds straight, where I couldn't believe it. In about 15 seconds into this fart, I hear a Laura rev up the laughing giggles. Now she's laughing so hard that I start laughing. Fart's still going. Now the fart is...

Yes, it's fluctuating. Even your grown son, for that to be your son, that is so cute. Yes. Honestly, little touchey she used to wipe.

She's just blowing gallons of air out. She peed herself on that bed. I guess.

So funny.

Did you ever see the pea?

No, she just told me.

Okay. I didn't know she was walking around with a big pea stand.

I wouldn't have even looked in that direction. Yeah, you would have been. I don't know. Maybe it was visible. I would never know. It's like, if you ask me what size my sister's boobs are, no clue. She could have monsters or None. No idea. I know. I get that. Don't tell me.

I don't get that, actually, because I look Look at boobs.

How would you feel about knowing about your brother's penis size? Is that triggering?

Like, fine.

Okay, that's healthy, I bet.

But it's like white noise, right? If I knew my brother's penis size, I wouldn't register it as a real thing.

And also it's cute in that same way. I'm like, whatever. We were in the bath. It's not a dick.

It's not sexual at all.

It's like a part of my brother.

Do you think any of this is at all predicted by the fact that you know he's gay and you know your brother's straight? Oh, possibly.

Does that change the weird feeling about knowing about your brother's dick?

I mean, I don't think so. Because you don't love the idea of your brother's dick, do you?

I don't love the idea.

I don't love it either. I don't love it. I don't like it. But I love my brother and all parts of him, and he has a penis.

Yeah, I feel that. It becomes not sexual immediately, just like your sister. Your sister is straight.

Well, that's interesting, actually. More the you need to not know. Yeah.

Stay tuned for more of Our Armchair Expert. If You Dare. Okay. 2005, you go to NYU? Yeah. We have this in common. I went as a job as well. I went to college so that I could pursue comedy out here, and my mom would pay my rent. And so when you went to NYU, you knew you were going to be pursuing this. Did that liberate you in the same way it did for me, which is like, I studied in Anthropology. I know there's no in Anthropology. I just was interested in it. I had a freedom to just study whatever the fuck interests me. Is that how you approached it?

Yes. I mean, there's a freedom in knowing my purpose, but I definitely was also imprisoned in, I got to be doing this every night. I was doing standup, sketch, improv every night. I remember study abroad, and I was like, Nope, I got to do comedy. I will fall behind. I really was a C student, but a good kid. I got into this general studies program. I wasn't in Tisch. I couldn't even get into the easiest school to get in because I went It's a public school, truly. So many NYU kids go to a private school. It's such a violent experience. So many kids go there and learn true wealth for the first time. It's so crazy. I was on so much financial aid, and I was like, What the fuck am I going to do?

Is the average student there loaded?

I mean, it's hard to tell. I think so because now it's $80,000 a year. My brother went, and he was on financial aid, too, but $30,000. By the time I went, four years later, it was $45,000 a year. Oh, my God. I was on it, too, accruing student debt, but I was like, I'm going to do this. I catered and waitressed and babysat and all that shit and did all my comedy stuff.

What was the order of comedy? What was first? Standup, sketch, or improv?

I did it all. I was just getting up every single night. It's truly the class president thing. I thought of it more as creatively networking, not networking like, I'm going to get something from someone and extract some aspect, but more... I just knew this was special in a special time and special people and the people I had been waiting to be be around.

Was Polar one of those people?

Oh, my God. She was on SNL and then she was on Parks. But she was one of the four founders of the Everett Citizens Brigade School that I was a student at. That was how I got into improv. I would see her do Askat, and there was this Del Close marathon to go see her during that. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it was really cool. But who was around? I'm thinking of the people who were just a couple of years ahead of me, like Aubrey Plaza, and Donald Glover, and Adam Pally, and Ben Schwartz.

You're my age. I also did it used to be. I did it here, though. And it's that Jen, did you have Eugene Cordero? I guess in New York, yeah. Yeah.

Eugene was one of my teachers. Bobby Moynihan was one of my coaches. Anthony Atamanek. Pally was one of our coaches. I'm laughing. He was not wanting to co-dress. I love him. Who? Pally. Adam Pally.

Oh, I cannot imagine him being responsible for anything.

Yeah, just giving reluctant improv notes. Giving improv notes is just hard. I couldn't do that. I wasn't good at improv either. I had trouble letting go into it and finding what came up. I liked sketch and stand up better. More control. Yeah. So Abby and I were in a group. You would audition to be a part of the UCB establishment, and we just couldn't get in and couldn't get in. And finally, we were like, let's do something ourselves. And when we started making Broad City, it was like, oh, my fucking God, this is the thing we're supposed to be doing because it's that same class president thing, organizing, talking to people, and creating your own system, creating spreadsheets, creating a production calendar, which we didn't know that this was a production calendar. We didn't know we were making a PR list. And my brother and I really started in the scene together, and he had his spreadsheet of blogs. Blogs used to be a thing. That was really writing and producing and acting and directing, doing the multi-hyphenate thing. I felt like I was hitting in a pocket.

That was your lane. Whereas you weren't popping as an improv artist or making the Harold team, this had a combination of skills that you were built to do. Yeah. How does Polar come into the mix? Because now your and I, this timeline sinks up a bit. So I do a movie with Arnett in 2006. I start going to UCB, New York because I'm hanging around that whole thing. And so I know that vibe. It was so intoxicating.

Can I pause for a second about intoxicating? You know, this was pre... We all had Razors and we're post-Nokia. We're hard into the Razor era, but nobody's extracting presence from life. People are still present, and you can't capture every fucking moment or secretly record shit. Do you know Tom Power? He's a Canadian interviewer, and he's 1987, too.

He's who you were in the backyard with.

Yes.

His birthday's May, yours is April.

Yes. I'm wearing my kids headphones. We've discovered this thing of like, this feels to me anyway.

Like the last hurrah.

The last scene.

Right before Prohibition, he got the last.

I know. There's still scenes in New York and people are doing gritty stuff, and queer scenes are always necessary. Safe queer spaces and for queer people of color and Black queer people. But it feels like the last maybe broader scene. Comedy. It was just this rock and roll period of crazy shit happening, and also crazy shit happening bad and good. I'm not even saying it's better. I'm so glad that some stuff that was happening isn't, but it was intoxicating.

The thing that should be missed and mourned is that you could take a big swing on a Friday night. You could learn real time that was over the line, and then you could come back the next night, and then you could adjust and improve and do whatever. There's a geological record of everything that's done now. I would imagine your experiment in a much more confined box than you used to.

But there was also no canceling, and there was no checking. Cancel culture, I think, is just fake, too.

You think it's a moral panic?

I think cancel culture is people whining that they can't be as insulting as they used be.

I don't think it's binary. I think that's like left, right. I think currently, the options on the table are binary. If you're a far-right conservative, it's ruling the planet right now, cancel culture. If you're on the very far left, you're like, It's not even a thing. And that's not true. I think it is definitely in the middle of that.

Yes, because some people get taken down and they have to disappear.

Many people do, and nor is it people are dropping in droves. Yeah, right. I just think- That's true. Both sides are exaggerating.

I appreciate that. But there was no checking at that time, even.

Can I argue, though? There's checking in that. Even in any given day, there is a cultural appetite for certain things. And people stepped over the line and just simply it would bomb. You would go too far. And people were like, That's not funny. There were still more then. There were still cultural norms. You did go over the line and there was no laughs. So even if you weren't checking your sofa some self-actualized goal, you were trying to get laughs.

You mean more behind the scenes a little bit, right?

I think I'm just realizing it's just the comedy was different. In the UCB scene, which was primarily white and primarily male, I remember this guy talking about watching Bad Boys, and he was talking about it ironically. I remember being like, What's the joke, though? Also coming out of our teen years, which was so fucking violent. Where were our girls at at that time? Amanda Binds and Lindsay Lohan and Brittany Spears. It's starting to edge over the comedy at that time. Jay Lanos was like, I mean, Amy Winehouse. That's mainstream. I think also what I'm talking about, I'm like, people weren't checked. No, the comedy was different at the time.

Yeah, absolutely. At the Groundings, what we did was, I don't know if they still do this. So there were pretty strict guidelines at the Groundings, even when I was going through in 1996, which is you couldn't play a different ethnicity that was off the table. You could play other white people. I could be a Guido, as we previously discussed. Yeah, I love it. There were words you couldn't say. But once a year, we had a show called Taking Out the Trash. And this is where everyone came and let it fucking rip. And mind you, it's a multicultural, multi gendered group, and everyone's represented. It was vile. Hilarious. It's to blow all that carbon out. I just wonder, not that that show should exist, but I can't imagine it still exists. But that was just an interesting approach to it.

Yeah, it just It was so different, even. We used to have Dirtiest sketch show and just people's dicks on stage. So many dicks in that time in comedy. Some that were cool, some that were not, and pussies. A girl took her tampon out on stage.

At DCM, there was crazy shit that would go down. I see.

I do miss those spaces for darkness.

Lawless.

Yeah, it's almost like Halloween. You need a Halloween night in comedy.

Well, also, it's just letting a pocket of your brain open for a second just because you're human.

You're because you want to be brave enough to trust yourself that you're allowed to wander there and then come back.

Yeah, that's right.

So I've never seen you do stand up. I'm embarrassed to admit.

I'm so excited about my last hour and just taped it and finished this tour, and I can't wait for you to see it. What theater were you at? The Elgin and Winter Garden Theater in Toronto. Oh, okay. And You don't have to be embarrassed. I'm not known for it. It's taken me a long time to get to this place where I am now, where I am taking so much pleasure in it that I enjoy sharing it this way.

Well, would you agree? We've just interviewed a series of standups, and there's a pretty well-held consensus that it's a decade-long experience. Now we're 18 years out from you first trying. I would imagine you have a skill set now that probably is weirdly invigorating.

Also to approach it more like a writer's room in a system and Writing some jokes, talking about them with my husband, literally getting his pitches, trying them out, seeing what works, recording it, writing out what doesn't, getting a couple of people together, pitching them, workshopping, going out. My husband, David, and my manager, Susie, were like, take more people in, take more care.

Approach it like a movie or a show you're creating.

I have more experience with a show I'm creating. Then my coordinator who pitched herself to be my tour manager, Madelyne Kim, we just wrapped 52 shows over the course of 11 months. Always the default culture of anything in our world is so violent and narrow. And it was like, You got to do Weekends if you really want to be a road dog. I was like, Weekends? That's when I unravel with my family. That's really going to fuck me up. And talked about it with my husband. He was like, do Thursdays and Fridays. So instead of doing three months where I'm a monster, I did 11 months where I'm awesome. And it was incredible. And with Madelyne, too, editing and talking about it and getting her notes and at first being like, I don't know. And then being like, what? You know what? Actually, I really love her taste and everything else. Opening my heart.

You're letting off control. And you like control, I think I've figured out in this last hour.

And also control of even who I am. I'm in a place with my therapist. You just watch who you are as it comes up. You don't even control who you fucking are. The thoughts come up.

I think when you try to control who you are, it's not successful, really. More what I observe is, oh, yeah, when you are in a state of flow and you're you, it yields something. This version of you that's curated and crafted, isn't that appealing to anyone?

But even this individualism thing, I mean, it's all ego. We're plants. We're animals. We're not really me. I'm mostly patterns that I got from Long Island in the '90s.

And a ton of genetics.

Ashkanazi Jews are always 100% Ashkanazi fucking Jews. A ton of dense Ashkanazi genetics.

That's sweet ashkanazi strain.

It's actually scary. You don't control it and giving up control of even who I think I am. And damn, also the pandemic. I have an hour out on Amazon and I can't even watch it. I can't even watch Broad City, which I love so much. But it was so painful and it was part of this manic slew of getting so much stuff out after Broad City ended where it's like, no, I won't stop. I won't stop. I won't stop. Then when the pandemic hit, I didn't do stand up for a year or two. And that forced pause while doing more therapy than I ever had before. And then the experience of getting pregnant and creating something without ever thinking about it. I've learned to take pleasure in a new way In the past two years, I've had so much fun. I feel truly on my knees, grateful to God for this experience. So I did two shows, and the first night I was like, I got the words out.

Because when people do standup specials, they record a couple of nights or maybe even more, and then they edit together. Five second story. I know the lawyer of Richard Pryer, and he had signed this mega contract, and he came the first night in this really loud blue leather suit, and then he showed up the next night in a red leather suit. And then like, Richard, you might as well not do this show. We're not going to be able to And I thought, what an incredible thing to show the opposite. And what if they were cutting me for a bit?

That's so funny and cute, too. That is cute. But the second night, I had so much talking to myself before shows because I was quite nervous this past year. But being like, I aim to take pleasure in this. Right.

The process.

Rather than being like, just have fun because then I'm fucking failing at something, possibly. Oh, sure. Sure. Rather than aim. We'll see what happens. And then that was how I was the second night. But I took so much pleasure in it. I was like, damn.

How wonderful. Now, your husband, who you've mentioned a few times now, David, he's a computational biologist. What on earth is that? And how does he have any credentials in judging your comedy?

So he got his PhD in... Is it computational biology? I don't know. But what he knows is molecular modeling of molecules when you look at diseases.

So viruses and stuff.

Yeah. Proteins, which are viruses.

Everything's made of proteins. That's right. Is he employed in this He has a biotech startup. Wow. Okay, David.

Okay, David. Okay, David. Phd.

Yeah, it's grueling.

How did you guys meet? This is a lovely counterintuitive union.

It's a good pair. Oh, my gosh. We met in Washington Square Park. Me too. It was a horny, hazy New York Friday, the last Friday in June in 2012. Everyone's just looking up. Do it. I was on the East catwalk, truly giving cruising energy. No, I was sitting. I was posted up. It's just a gorgeous day and everybody's beautiful.

You have a coffee or anything? Handbag?

Nothing. A crossword puzzle?

What was the look?

What was your space work?

Arms up, legs crossed, bike locked. Oh, okay. Just staring at everybody. That's all you have to do when you're a young woman is stare. But also everybody's so fucking beautiful and glistening. I'm looking up north toward the arch, Ark. I don't know what people call it. He walks from my left to right. We immediately were like, immediate.

Is there an age gap? Same age?

He's seven years older than me. Oh, I like it. Yes.

That's like good. That's like good. Yeah. Daddy.

Harry Daddy. Harry Jewish Daddy. Okay, so he's walking left to right and we giggle and we're like, what? And then he walks past. And he turns around and I'm just staring like, Yeah, Beach. And we take a second and my heart stops and he keeps walking. He does it He turns around and I'm like, no verbal, but energy is, yes, bitch. Turns around a third time. Like, come and he comes in three. He's truly three times. And then he leaves. I was like, what the fuck? Oh my God. Oh my God. I'm like, literally, my heart is coming down. I call my best friend Inti. I was like, holy shit. I just saw a really hot dude. What the fuck? What's up with you? We start chatting. Then eight minutes later, David returns, walking right to left, comes back from the same place he had gone. He was finishing his PhD at NYU at time and needed to get a charger and was testing fate a little bit. It was honestly good to just catch my breath. Then we chatted for 45 minutes.

He stopped and he said, Do you have a charger?

No, he went to go get his charger. Then he re approaches and I was like, Got to go bitch bite. Hang up, stood up and said hello.

You stood up and said hello? Yes. Oh, you bastard.

He had short hair at the time, but I remember him just tucking phantom hair behind his ears. Oh, nice.

He just did the motion of tucking, but there was nothing to tuck.

And he said, Hi. And I was like, Oh, my God. I had just watched Ewen McGregor's Beginners, and David looks like a Jewish Ewen McGregor.

I was like, Did anybody ever tell you you fucked Ewen McGregor?

I don't know what the fuck else to say. Great question, though. Well, it's honestly like, just be quiet.

No, no, no, no, no, We chatted for 45 minutes.

Then I was like, I got to go babysit, dog. I got to go make. Okay, I'm doing improv sketch and stand up at night, and I'm going to have student debt, so I got to go babysit. I don't want to fall in love. I want another friend and lover, please. He was like, Would you want to get a drink tonight? I was like, No. But then I was babysitting, we're texting, and he's texting. I'm like, This person is smart.

Oh. Yeah, it makes me horny.

I was like, Yeah, okay.

We can meet. And so you guys hung out that night.

Hung out, hooked up.

What year was that? 2008?

2012.

That's a long time.

I know. Totally no, Broad City was 2009 or 2011.

I met David after FX had passed on the script. We wrote a script for a year with them, developed, and then they were like, No, Girls is on the air. Lata, and we were like, Oh, totally. Also, to have that notes process was lit. And then going back to Comedy Central with that experience, it was perfect.

I've sold two things at FX, had two notes things, and I loved it there. Even though both things didn't get made, there was a spirit there that actually felt like trying to make the best thing.

And also genuinely figuring out, is this good for us? And it wasn't. I'm saying girls thing almost facetiously because we were different and we wouldn't have been good on FX.

So you met him after Broad City?

He had no idea about the web series, and FX had passed. Comedy Central hadn't picked it up yet. We knew each other before everything. Who were confused by this timeline because you're seeing two- The web series. The web series started in 2009. I met David in 2012. We had done 35 short films, sold a pilot, and then got dropped. Hadn't been picked up yet by Comedy Central.

What year was Broad City at Comedy Central?

Broad City at Comedy Central, so they... Oh, my gosh.

I don't want to take you back into a No, it's so beautiful to remember.

In June 2012, when I met David, and then shortly after, they were like, We want to make the pilot. It took from July till November to come together. We shot November. Then in March 2013, they were like, We're going to make the series, which was the craziest fucking thing. Where were you sitting? Actually, I was shooting an episode of my web series, Chronic gamer Girl. I used to get high and play video games. Okay, great. I was like, Guys, hold on one second. I got to take this call. I go and get this news, and I'm like, Oh, can't handle this. I got to go finish Chronic gamer Girl.

You are a content machine. To take away anything from this, if you're trying to become anything, you just do it. You just make shit. You become the organizer. You put people's shoes on. Eventually, something. You have a OCD. You have a desperate need for approval.

A bottomless pit for validation and affection.

No validations high enough, nor will last.

So then 2013, they're like, Okay, go. And we're like, Fuck. So we have from April to December to write and shoot and edit 10 episodes. Episodes. And then season one was January 2014. And then we made five seasons from 2014, pretty much every winter, beginning of spring through 2019. So me and Abby's experience with Broad City was from 2009 to 2019, a 10-year A 10-year, a 10-year fucking experience. Wow. A 10-year. How did it feel when that ended? I was manic. I made a movie. I went on tour. I made a standup special. It was painful.

But you grieved it, I assume.

I was denying the grival. I was absolutely running away. And also we ended We ended it. We knew it had to end. Our contract was for seven seasons, and we were like, no, we can't do this anymore.

It ran its course.

It's about to devour itself. Yeah. And was the manic episode brought on by fear of, I will never do something again?

Absolutely. Who am I even? Who am I outside of Broad City? Oh, my God. It was so painful. But I didn't grieve it probably until COVID.

How did Abby do with it?

We were both in so much pain. Yeah. Also, like growing pains. We ended it. We knew we had to, but it was so painful.

Well, I imagine, too, there's this weird dichotomy of it's a ton of work. You also want it to be over. So it's like you want it to be over, and then it's over, and you're like, I do not want it to be over.

Broad City itself was actually so painful in so many ways because we were so hard on ourselves. We did not have boundaries with our personal lives. We were working all the fucking time. It was so big and no time to process.

Did you ever feel like you were missing out on a lot of opportunity by doing it? Yes.

It took us 11 months to make each season. We had this joke where we would count the months, and then all our fingers would be taken up, and we'd be like, It's going to take the whole year, dude. What the fuck? We did not develop our careers otherwise at that point because we were writing, acting, directing, showrunners, editing, and doing press.

That's the interesting thing is I think it can be not unlike a romantic relationship where it's like you resent the thing you love.

I wouldn't change it for a thing. I don't want to have gone and done some dumb shit that was contrived, and I felt uncomfortable there. I'm probably at the time doing a shitty version of Lana Wexler, too. But we were like, We have to end this.

It's so interesting, I imagine. You feel like you're missing the train, and then you get off and you're like, Oh, shit. We just willingly got off a train that was speeding on the track. This is so funny.

Or like, you know the chapter is supposed to be over, but you don't know what the next chapter is. And it's like, What do you do? Do you pick the safety?

Something I can say confidently was that the need for it to end was from within. It wasn't like, Well, I have to go do this cool nothing. Nobody's offering anything, luckily. So the clarity is a fortune. But it's also hard.

It would have been very stressful if one of you was getting an insane amount of opportunity.

That would have been rough. We're so lucky that we were getting no offers equally.

You're blessed with no offers. What a blessing.

That's so funny and true. We were just like, Okay, well, what are you up to? Oh, just manically torturing myself with more work than my body can handle.

There's an interesting... From 2021 till now, we have two movies about pregnancy and a real pregnancy.

Interesting, isn't it?

Is that only now in reflection? Did that occur to you while it was happening?

It occurred to me. A false positive was definitely my fear of having children. I wanted a child a long time before I had one, but it was embodying the feeling of it, the fear of the unknown.

Also, you just got out of this thing that you could have interpreted as preventing you from opportunity, and then you're about to endeavor on something that you tell yourself, even though it ends up not being true, is also going to deny you opportunity.

Motherhood. Right. There is loss. You have a kid and you do lose the former life you had, but there's so much gained.

Yeah, I wonder if we share this, and I say this ad nauseam on here, my apologies, is to have a real identity that can't disappear because a network decided you're no longer a writer or an actor or comedian. To have a permanent identity as mother or father, for me, is the most comforting thing that's ever happened to me. What do you mean? Because my identity was so wrapped up in my professional life. I was a comedian, and then I was an actor, and then I was a writer-director, and I was a writer-director-actor. But all of those things are vulnerable, and they're impermanent. I think what I was secretly wanting forever is a bedrock of identity.

That resonates with me. Did you always want to have kids? Always. Yeah, me too. I feel so clicked into my identity now in so many different sections of it, but they're all feeling integrated. I could just take a moment and get the clamp. Yeah, it rules.

It's good. I think Chris and I both were like, Okay, so we're shutting everything down. We're about to have this kid. We'll never make money again. All that's over. And then that was just a completely irrational fear because everything has gotten infinitely better since we added this inconvenience to our life.

You also think that you're going to lose your identity, but it strengthens so much. You still have to work to go get that time yourself and be like, What do I like to do when I'm alone? What do I like to do when I'm with my friends? There's loss then from not being with your kid in that moment. But then you come back and it's just on tour and gone. Two nights is the max if I can control it. She grew so much from my absence and being okay with it and learning transitions.

It's also a gift for David. Totally. Some of my favorite memories of this experience have been when Kristen was away shooting in Florida and on a cruise ship for a month and a half. I'm like, That's right. It's fucking dad time. Let's see. It's my own show. Here we go. So fun.

Love it. So sweet. So impossible to compete in opposite sex parenting units. It's just like, You came out of me. That was such a gift from this tour, too.

Yeah. If the primary source of nurturing is gone and you become primary, you're Oh, this is nice. I get it. So yummy.

And also, he's mushier. I would tune into the camera and see how Nap is going, and she's literally jumping on him, jumping off of him. As she should. And it's awesome. Yeah.

Okay, so you did false positive. That really encapsulates your fear around it. But now you do babes, which is what we're here to talk about. And this is now a post-child experience. When did you get the idea for it? Before or after?

Before. I was just a months pregnant, and my co-writer, Josh Rabinowitz, his wife was pregnant about six months. Our manager, Susie Fox and producer, I met with Susie in January 2021, and she had been obsessing over the gap in the industry for studio comedies. And she I was like, I just could see you filling this space. My bottomless pit of need was like, of course, whatever you see and think for me is what I'll do. If you love me for that, and you think others might?

Are they high status?

Could they get me money? Safety? She just had this shower vision of me and a best friend who has two little kids, and I get knocked up. Are your daughters really close in age? Yeah, 20 months apart. Susie's are 21 months. You all are banana nut. I don't know, man.

You pay up front and it immediately starts yielding dividends.

I'm sure, but seven fucking years later. That's so hard.

It is, but I'm telling you, if you look at the grand thing of it being 18 years, you're going to 15 better years because they actually can play together. It's not like one's placating the other.

I mean, it's fucking badass. I hope I have another one, but it won't be like that. Yeah. So Susie had 21 months apart. I don't know if there were one and three or two and four about the fucking insanity. So she was that friend, really, with two little ones. And Josh and I are like, this is going to be so fun, pregnant and excited. So we both really embodied my character. And we all started just brainstorming, and it was really collaborative and fun. I was just shocked at the absurdity of the hard comedy of pregnancy, of the experience myself personally. Also, talk about fucking titties.

I was just like, L-O-L-O-L.

They looked like my ass on my chest.

Like, coo-coo. Well, Kristen went from a B to a fucking D.

No, I got double.

She was like, Look at these motherfuckers. I especially love it because she was peak pregnancy, and I would feel her back when she was on top of me. I was like, I fucking am cheating on you. This girl's got a big back and huge titties.

It's big back bitch. You know, women are normally contextually horny. We need candles and a story and a narrative. This was just spontaneous horniness that I had never experienced or taken pleasure in before. It was so fun and funny, and I was really sick, and that was funny. It was just so separate from me. Just smelling water and throwing It was such a funny experience. So, yeah, we were just throwing all the ideas down.

Will you say Michelle's last name for me? Buto. How far back do you guys go?

Oh, my God.

Because you guys have such a rhythm.

Yeah, we know each other for 18 years. Oh, you do?

Yes. Where did you meet? She's your co-star. In New York. She's the woman with the two children in the movie.

Yeah, I've been doing comedy 18 years. Michelle has been doing it 23.

She's outrageously good.

Yeah, she's a big deal.

That's right. She is outrageously good. She is fucking funny, and she is an incredible actor. No, yeah.

She is incredibly real. Even when she's super broad, I'm all bought in.

She has such a rootedness to her spirit.

She's almost like Julia Dreyfus. It's like she can go to the moon. And you're like, Yeah, I totally buy this.

Oh, my God. I'm going to tell her, you said that today. Please do. Oh, she It's going to fucking love it. We really didn't write with anybody particular in mind because we had our characters right there. And Susie having the kids and me and Josh not. I just was doing this interview the other day talking about lists of actresses. And do you guys remember when Mitt Romney said, I have binders Binders full of women? Yeah. It was giving binders. It was serving binders so hard where it was lists of actresses who I normally admire and can tell you all their special attributes and performances, but on a list, they're completely flattened. I don't care about any of these people. These people saw these many tickets in this much box office. This many followers. This feels weird. And then it came to me in my sleep. I woke up at the middle of the night. I was like, Fucking Michelle, obviously. And we became obsessed. And she was very busy, had just finished writing season one of of the Thickest on Netflix and was about to shoot it. I was like, Girl.

Hear me out.

And she was like, I don't know that I can. I was like, I really think you're good.

This is mirrored in the movie in a weird way. Oh, that's funny. She's over extended and you're needy. Yup. It's true. Tap into it. But I'm guessing that a lot of the stuff that made it in the movie certainly wasn't scripted. You guys clearly have established... Did you ever watch that thing? I'll forget all the actor's names involved, but it's the famous English comedian and another famous English comedian. English? Shit, that's right. You don't know about England. This is not going to work. It's a reality thing. They go on a tour of castles and food, and they end up doing their Sean Connery's. A reality show? Yeah, it's like a documentary series. Steve Coogan and some other guy, and they just go to places to eat in Northern England. Must be nice.

Jesus Christ.

They end up doing their Sean Connery's to each other for, I don't know, 45 minutes. Oh, that's so funny. It never gets old. You can tell they've been doing it for a decade.

So cute.

There's nothing better than when you get to bring in those things that already exist. You You guys seen Bitch for five minutes.

I was just remembering, was that scripted? I don't think it was scripted. It's hard for me to remember. Josh is the savant about it when he's like, No, we did that on the third draft, or that this, that. We have another one, Girl, Girl, Bitch, Bitch, for sure.

Had you written a lot with Josh?

He wrote on Broad City. Otherwise, no.

So this is the first feature you guys have written together?

Yeah. And his best friend and writing partner and one of my best friends, Kevin Barnet, passed away in 2019, and it remains a huge loss. Kevin was about to be your favorite stand-up actor, writer, producer, director. They had written together on Broad City. And the character Claude is based on Kevin.

Oh, no kidding. Yeah. Okay. And then how does Pamela Adlon come into the mix?

We get the green light from Film Nation. They were like, We will make this with Moula. I was like, So you love me? And we were looking for directors and interviewing people. And also like, Would be good if it was a mama? Would be good if she was a mama? But then it was also like, Yeah, but it's just anybody who can do it well also would be great. So let's just talk to lots of people. But then when we met Pamela, she was so funny and bawdy and had such rock star energy. Her passion for the script was so infectious. We were all such fans of better things. She was coming at motherhood from a different angle that none of us have gotten to yet. And we just really fell in love with her right away.

And Huston is really good in it.

Huston is incredible.

There's always that anxiety. Who did I just have? Oh, Oh, Andrew Schultz was in a movie. He wasn't here to promote it, but someone else was- Camilla Mendez. I was saying this as well. There's always this anxiety when you see a standup for the very first time, actually, you're like, How's this going to go? It was delightful.

He was fucking great. Incredible. They're fucking gorgeous. They're giving Queens.

It's very believable. Yes.

Like Michelle, he's so funny and so good. He just honored the experience so deeply. It was really sweet.

You went to South by. We were there at the same time.

Oh, no, we missed you.

You guys had your premiere there?

Yeah, it was fucking lit. I honestly didn't dream that would happen.

I think that's the greatest place to screen a movie. When I've had movies that have gone there, I'm just like, Austin loves movies in the most perfect way in either the way New York or LA appreciates. There's no chip on their shoulder. There's no pretension. They like to fucking party. Their filmmakers that are indigenous to there are some of the best in the world. They have the tradition and the love, the Alma Draft House, their love for it is so uniquely Austin.

That's exactly what it was. It was shocking. We done test screenings in like, Burbank, and it was fun. But it's also so conditioned, and it was raucous. What really surprised me was their shock.

It was awesome. We haven't even said the premise. You guys are best friends. She has two kids. You have a one-night stand, you end up pregnant.

My character doesn't have a good support system, and it tests their friendship. The heart of the movie was really important to us to maintain and build over the movie, and that was great, too, itself.

On the Baby Moon, that scene really, really works.

A fight, you mean?

Yeah. So go ahead. But the theme that is on the table there, Monica, is going to resonate with you, I think, deeply. If Aaron said this to me, my very best friend since I was 11, you got a little cream top on your nose, and I know you'd be bummed if you discovered it later. Oh, thank you. And we let you have it.

They're not telling her. I didn't see it.

Would you have told her?

Probably not. God, I know. I know. That's my bad.

We're doing as good as we can, all of us. Yeah, the notion of we're not family is fucking brutal. Total. If Aaron told me we're not family, I would cry for six years.

Yeah, I know. It's such a good real scene. When Josh and Susie and I were throwing all these ideas down, and so much was so funny, but the thing that kept coming up, that was the bones. Or was it the lead? The spine. I don't know.

The endoskeleton or the exoskeleton.

The spine was how your friendships change. Whether you have kids or not, someone's doing something and getting life partners. It's lots of shifting in your 30s. It's rough. My friendship with Kevin and Josh's friendship with Kevin, they were like a married couple. Kevin and I were like a married couple in ways and family, too. The way that your friends or your partners, and in a new way, your partners are your friends, checking out a girl with your partner. That fluidity is what we were looking at also in both Eiden's One Night stand and the spark. Then also my character and Michelle's Eiden and Dawn's.

Well, I don't believe in reviews unless they're positive, and then I bring them up. It's been beautifully reviewed. Me neither.

That's my value system as well.

Anywho, yours got very well reviewed, which is almost impossible to happen, I think. So congratulations. Thanks so much. Do you care?

Honestly, I'm thrilled.

Yeah, you should be. I'm like, I'm thrilled.

I can't exactly read them, but to know about them, I'm thrilled. It's scary because it's addicting where you hope it's true. That is true of me. And it's like, no, it's not. And that's not me. And they don't know me. I read them and it's almost like going down some scary Instagram hole that's toxic, a. K. Being on Instagram at all.

Yeah, I I like hearing my mother will tell me, They loved your thing. I'm like, Okay, great. That's all I really need to know. Because you have the unique ability as I do, which is like, even if it's positive, I figure out a way that it was bad.

Yeah, and disembodying or flattening to my spirit, and it's scary.

Yeah, it's a really dicey endeavor.

Yeah, it's like an OCD thing of math that your brain is so trained to do. It's like, just don't even read it.

Sit this one out. There's almost no win in it. Even if it's ostensibly a win, you're like, Yeah, but I figured out something I don't like about it.

If people tell me little pieces, I also cry. It's like, it's too much. After South Side, I was fully crying on the plane. Oh, that's lovely.

That means you really experienced it. I did. Were you with Michelle?

Was she there? Michelle was there.

We were like, what the heck is going on?

We were shocked. She was sitting behind me, and I kept turning around being like, Bitch. We were like, What? We couldn't believe it.

But also after Broad City, if you end that and you think, What if that was my thing? That's it. It's beautiful to experience it again.

I want to apologize. Rob wrote on here that I'm literally seeing for the first time, 4:30 hard out. What time is it? So you should have maybe... It's 4:54. Also, give me a verbal one of those.

It's what? 4:54. Okay. Oh, that's okay. Oh, that's not bad.

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

I'm loving this.

Oh, good. We love it, too.

Who cares? I mean, I'll go now.

Well, I knew I would love this. We've been wanting to do this for a while. I thought so as well.

We've been wanting to do this for a while. I'm really honored and privileged about that statement. Thank you. And I'm privileged to be here. This is so fun and sincere and good-hearted and caring toward the world. I'm just so grateful.

Thank you. All right, well, everyone needs to see Babes.

It's going to be a lot of fucking theaters. To see it with people in the theater, it's just very fucking funny. It's worth your money.

Let's see comedies in theater, guys.

Comedy is more than any other thing. You want a fucking shared experience.

One that comes with ease.

It's actually good for your body. It's truly medicinal to go get that oxytocin dump from sharing it. Fuck, yeah.

For the world to know that you can relate to other people right now. That's exactly correct. We're so siloed. Eew.

Eew, siloed.

Yeah, I got it.

England.

England.

This movie is not going to perform in England. I hate to tell you. Go watch Babes, Alana Glazer. So much fun. Please come back.

Thanks for having me.

Stay tuned for more Farmshare Expert, if you dare. Stick around for the fact check. Because they're human, they make lots of mistakes.

Good evening.

Good evening.

It is, well-It's late afternoon.

It's late afternoon.

It's late afternoon. Bts.

We don't want to lie. It's getting close to evening, though. When would you say it officially starts?

Five.

Five, not 5:30.

I think if I said late afternoon and it was in the fives, no.

I'll agree with that.

Okay. Agree to agree?

Agree to agree. It's not often you can say that.

Okay. I have a big update. Oh, wow.

I love big updates. Live for them.

I think I ate too many burritos.

Oh, your new favorite burritos, meaning you don't like them anymore or you had some physiological reaction.

Both.

Please tell.

Okay. So I was eating them every day for, I think, two weeks.

And then it became- What's really funny, just really quick, is when you love them, we were saying the name of the burritos. And I know now that we're not saying the name of the burritos because it's taking a turn.

Also, yes, I'm not going to, but I can say because no one should do what I did.

Right. It has nothing. It doesn't speak to the product.

No, it's nothing to with the burrito. It has to do with the way I consumed it, which was I ate it every day, and then it became I ate it only.

That's the only thing you're eating?

Yeah.

How many a day?

One.

Yeah, because I think you look thinner.

Yeah, something is happening. Okay. Yeah. So I started to get very full.

On the one burrito.

On the one burrito a day. Okay. And it was confusing because I've also been walking.

Are you on Ozempic?

Do you think they put it in there?

Well, I do know that this is how Ozempic works, right? Which is like, you're full.

What if they are injecting it with Ozempic?

That would be Brilliant. This is very alleged. Well, it would not be good because- It wouldn't be good. No. In fact, I've heard... God, I wish you could remember who was telling me, the food industry is already launching plans to deal with Ozempic.

Because they're not going to sell their food.

They're not going to sell as much junk. A lot of these companies know it's coming.

That's interesting.

It's like, well, I don't want to compare junk food to cigarettes.

Junk food is not great. Also, this burrito is not junk food. I want to be clear. It's very healthy.

Yes, clearly and pricey. Again, we don't know who makes it, but...

We're not going to say the business, but it's a healthy and pricey business.

Okay, so you were eating them one a day. In what time of day would you eat it?

No one's going to like this because people are going to think it's eating disorder-adjacent. Sure. But I don't struggle. I've never struggled with that.

You've never had a disordered eating.

Yeah. I don't think I- Maybe too much toffee pudding on occasion.

Yeah.

I mean, it is disordered to eat one thing every day exclusively, I suppose.

I don't know. If you were supposed to eat 2,000 calories a day and you had one meal, I mean, that's intermittent fasting, which people love. Right. So you were intermittent fasting.

I guess. But then it- People love. Then it started that I was eating half the burrito.

Okay, so now it's leaning back towards it has Ozempic in it. Right.

And I was not getting hungry, ever.

Okay.

So then I was starting to force myself to eat the burrito, half the burrito.

But never thinking of deviating from the burrito.

No, because I love it. And I love the taste. This is a deal. And to me, it has everything I need. It has protein, it has avocado, good for the brain.

It has burrito.

It has salandra rice. So there's carbs in there. Yeah, full.

All your macros.

Yeah, because my dad has a theory now.

Wait, based on this burrito thing?

No, no, no, sorry. It's tangential. Because my dad watches his blood sugar carefully. Yes. And he stopped eating rice for a bit. He was eating a lot of rice. Indians love rice. Sure. They sure do. And so then he stopped, and he was just eating basically protein and vegetables. But then he decided he wanted to bring it back a little bit because he's worried that my grandfather's dementia has to do with when... Because he also stopped eating rice at some point. And so he was like, I don't know. It feels a little like maybe that was bad. So he's bringing rice back in. And look, carbs, you do need some carbs. You do.

Particularly, real quick, I think there's a link between serotonin and carbs. There's also a link between hair health and carbs. And I will say I can get in a cycle where I'm eating very little to no carbs because I'm trying to hit my protein goal. And I'm not hungry So whatever. And there are occasions where I'm like, yeah, I'm a little... I don't know if cranky is the right word, but I can feel that. I can feel the lack of carb. Yeah, easily accessed energy.

And energy is very connected to brain health and mood and all of it. All to say this burrito had it all.

It had it all. Can we go back to Ashoka? I know you want to blow right by that. Sure. And I say this having many times acknowledged that Ashoka of the smartest people I've ever talked to.

You're saying this, I hope, respectfully. We're coming up on Father's Day.

Yes. And that's why I'm saying, I'm starting with this. I deeply admire your father, and I think he's brilliant. Yes, I agree. But this is a very hair the brain connection he has come up with.

To be fair, he was around my grandfather for a long, long, long time.

Yeah, but we just interviewed Sanjay, and if you believe in Nattia's book, yes, the dementia was a metabolic disorder. So I'll just stop there. So pounding carbs-Not pounding.

He's saying the full removal could have had something to do with the deterioration of his brain health. I don't- You're in. No, I don't know. But like you just said, I feel different if I have zero carbs, and I don't feel as good.

I don't feel a lack of sharpness or brain activity. I just feel mood alteration.

It's all this is connected. If we've learned anything from all the people we've had on over six and a half years. We're a complex system.

I'll grant you that. Yes.

Anyway- Yeah, sorry. The burrito had it all, okay? Yeah. One It was one stop shopping. It was one stop shop. It tasted so good, but for some reason it was making me not like food anymore. And so... Oh, then also my pea was smelling odd for a while. Wow.

There's no Asparegas in the burrito.

No. And sorry for a repeat, because we do talk about this on an upcoming sing.

Okay. So I guess you should apologize on sing. I should. You go back into the edit.

I should. But that, BTS, that was recorded before this. But anyway, my pea was smelling weird. That could be a million things.

Are you comfortable describing what weird is?

Or could you- It's hard to say. It's not- Smels are tricky. It wasn't my normal non-smelling... Normally, pea doesn't smell. Right. Same. Unless, I've had aspargis, but this I could smell it.

Okay, but back to trying to describe smells. Just I want to do a minute on that. Don't you think it's interesting? Everything other thing, we have a lot of adjectives. But I find with smells, the only thing you can say is that it's bad, like repugnant or something. But to try to actually get the person to understand what the smell was like, we can only use other actual smells. I think that's interesting. What do you mean? I said your pea smelled weird. What did it smell like? And you are now forced to basically think of another item that I might know how it smells to tell me. But if you ask me what something looked like, I wouldn't have to say, well, picture the white house. I would go, oh, it was 300 feet tall, and it was narrow, and it was blue. I have all these descriptors for you to build this mental picture. But you go, what, flowery, I guess, maybe. Sour, you would say.

You could say musty.

Musty, wow.

That's not how the pea smells.

So it smells sour and musty. No, it did not. Big bowl of musty sour. It did not. People don't like when we do this.

It did not. But often I describe the smell of my apartment as musty. If I've been gone for a week and I come home, it always smells musty. I don't understand it.

Someone must be living in there while you're gone.

No, it's the lack of a person.

That's so weird because I think of must as coming. Well, I guess maybe I'm confusing it with musk.

Yeah, you're confusing that.

I know. I still think of must as like- A person? Old underwear and a hamper.

But old underwear because it's stagnant.

Not mine, mind you. Yeah, okay.

There's not life in it.

Do we say moisture's in the mix with musty? I think musty has to do with moisture.

Oh, I think it's dryness.

Okay, I knew there was something that we weren't aligned.

I don't agree to agree here.

I'll call it misaligned. Okay.

Anyway, that is not how the pea smelt. It didn't smell musty or sour. It just had a smell that was not normal for me. And I thought, What the fuck is going on here? I thought maybe it had to do with my period, but then I don't think it had to do with my period.

And then I thought, The only thing left.

Yeah, maybe this is related to the burrito.

From God knows where it's from.

But not the burrito, to be fair. The lack of diversity in the diet. I think that was the problem. So then I thought, God, I need to mix it up.

Now, I don't think this can happen, and people that are super into keto will be mad at me. But I do wonder if you are triggering ketones because maybe ketones can smell in your urine. Rob, will you ask the computer if ketones have a smell in your urine? Okay. Ketones in urine is the first thing that comes up when you search ketones. Wow.

What does it smell like? Sour musty.

Hamburgers. Ketones in urine is a medical condition that occurs when the body produces excess ketones. As an alternative energy source. Yeah, it's like the product of being in ketosis. Yeah, not getting enough sugar or carbs. Right. I'm just wondering if there's a smell associated with heavily ketone yam. What are the symptoms? Ripped, Shredded mental clarity. That's what people who are in a ketosis state report. I've been in ketosis. I was on the Atkins diet. You're not supposed to live in ketosis.

I don't think. Well, are you?

Look, a lot of early humans did. There were no carbs. Like the Inuit, they're eating- There was an earthquake just now. Yes, there was. I felt it. Okay, I'm on a new... I'm going to agree. That's my new policy. You don't have to agree. Because people are really I'm mad that I was questioning. I wasn't saying it didn't happen, but I was questioning whether the iPhone was likely to be more fallible than us humans in the alarm gate. Your alarm not going off. A lot of people came to your defense. I want you to know. And then they make it a bigger thing, which is my own issue.

They make it a bigger thing because you're paying attention. You don't have to pay attention to it. I do.

I have to let them know that I see them and that I appreciate them. And that you're mad at them? No, those people, they're few I'm not far between. But they came to your defense, which is nice. They think that definitely your iPhone malfunctioned, and they're quoting different things like, Oh, everyone knows this update. There's no sources, but regardless. I have the smells.

Oh, great.

Oh, my God. Great, great, great. So ketones in urine can cause a smell like popcorn, acetone, or maple syrup. Hum. Hum, hum, hum.

I'm not sure.

Didn't get a whiff of any of that?

I'm not sure. Maybe popcorn.

Okay. Give it a... Well, if it returns, see if you can connect those two. Now that you have a descriptor, it might be obvious. Can I close the loop on ketosis? So the Inuit or the Anupia, they were hunting whales for thousands of years. They're only eating wild blubber pretty much as their whole diet, which has presented a lot of fun arguments against cholesterol and stuff, because in the winter, they'll be eating 8,000 calories a day of basically fat, and they have no heart disease. So this has been used to whatever. But they're certainly in ketosis at all times. They have no carbohydrates available to them to eat for thousands of years because they're in a tundra. It's just like anything's growing with carbohydrates. And they did just fine. They're still there.

Yeah, but we have to eat food.

Yeah, but I'm just saying you can eat as they did, simply animal protein and fat, which has no carbohydrates. And you can live for thousands of years eating that way.

Yeah. I just think if your pea smells weird, it's not great.

Okay. That's my take. I'm not making a case for living in ketosis. I'm just, you had asked- You could. I don't think you should or could. And I was just simply saying- You could. There have been tons of populations that have lived certainly in ketosis.

Well, I mean, maybe I don't know if I am or I'm not.

I just have no other... That was my best guess.

I think it's a good guess because I haven't been eating as much and I've been working out.

But I think a lot of people put in the comments, you can't go into ketosis in just a 23-hour break from eating, which probably is the case. But I don't know. I don't know your body. I know it's short. 23 hours. Let's say you're eating the burrito over the course of one hour. That leaves 23 hours of the day you're not eating.

Yeah.

Or are you breaking it up into many meals?

Sometimes it would be two meals, half the burrito. So then it became- Just once a day. Keep the doctor away. Once a day, half burrito.

Right. And you don't weigh yourself.

I don't, but I've lost weight for sure.

You know that, too. Okay. I'm not delusional.

No, I can tell. I started diversifying a little bit. I ate a salad, but then the next day I wanted the burrito so bad again. So I got it.

Okay, so I guess what I like about this is it's not like you haven't lost taste for it.

Okay, but then I'm starting to lose the taste.

Well, this is what I was going to say is, so interesting how you dip in and out of very addicty behavior.

I think it's more obsessive behavior than it is addicty behavior. Yeah, I don't know that we can- There's a very fine line, but I do think- There's a line. I do think there is because I think that's actually the difference between the more. Addiction to me is about more.

Well- Maybe not. On the On the surface, yes. But I think what's under it is modulating your internal state with something external. So if you do something, let's say, put six beers in your system and you feel a desired way, you will chase that and do that compulsively because you want that end result of the feeling you have. And so I feel like clearly the first day you ate this burrito, you were like, that's the perfect meal. And you felt great about it. Fuck, That was great. And I'm full and whatever other things you told yourself. And then the next day you were like, let's repeat that. I loved the outcome. And you're, this is back to Ethan taking one Motrin and drinking a Diet Coke, and it was great. And so he just did it for five years, absentmindedly.

Yeah. I mean, I guess so. It started as, I want to introduce a burrito. Oh, my God. I had the best lunch today. This burrito from this place. And, oh, no, I love it. And it's so expensive. And then I was like, Oh, my God, I got to try it. Tried it. Loved it. But I ate that for lunch, and then I ate dinner. I ate it normally at first, and then it got a little out of control. But I think that's because of the Ozempic.

But I do think you have to inject it just to push another hole.

Well, Jess said it was like, Oh, my God, is it like the Calteen bars in Mean Girls? Oh, what was that? Remember when she's only eating these bars and then it flips? It's like these weight loss bars. Yeah. But then it flips and she's gained all this weight.

Oh, okay. Yeah, I do.

Anyway, I've been trying to diversify, but then I've had the pull for the burrito, and so I went back. But now it's probably just psychological. I'm not liking the taste as much, but I think because I've associated it with, I think something's going on here. Okay.

But also your taste buds at some point want a little variety, don't they?

I know, I was like, today I had two bites- Whispers so no one can hear us. Today I had two bites and I was like... You almost threw up. I was like, this is making me feel a little nauseous.

Yeah, right. Something psychosomatic is happening for sure. Yeah, something's happening. This is exciting.

Yeah, anyway, so that's nice.

You're basically running trials by yourself. What if someone committed to... Well, that's a sad thing. Did you see that Morgan Spurlock died? I did. I hated that.

I know. Sad.

So young. I think he was 54 or something. I didn't like that. Me neither. Okay, my pinned thing? Yes. And I wonder if this is now something that will be highly relatable, but wouldn't have been two years ago. Okay. So I'm taking the girls for a motorcycle ride. At one point, we decided to go down into the alley by TT's house, our old house, and we're going to just turn around, I guess. But she hears all the motorcycles in the alley, so she comes out, and then your comes out, and your sister comes out. We're all having a chat for a while. It was really nice. And I'm looking at Carly, and I'm like, Carly is looking Very fit.Nice. Very, very fit. And I'm like, Oh, fuck. But I can't say anything because I don't want to put her in a position. If she has gone on Ozempic and she's embarrassed by that, I don't want to put her in some position where she has to now lie about why she has lost weight.

Okay.

And so, I don't know, three weeks goes by, and the other day we're in the kitchen, and I just go, Fuck it. I go, Carl, have you lost weight? And she's like, I have. I've lost 18 pounds. Wow. Yeah. And I'm like, well, you really look fit. And she goes, thank you. You're the first person to tell me that. I bet this situation that happened is not unique is what I was getting at. Definitely not. I bet a lot of people are observing people in their life who have lost significant weight that's very visible, and they don't know whether they should say anything or not because they don't know if they're opening up a can of worms about Ozempic in Yeah, for sure.

I mean, more broadly- By the way, I know your sister, I don't think is on Ozempic. She's not. Yeah.

No, she's not.

She's been working. She runs with the dog.

I love that place. She's got a whole routine, and she's been working very, very hard. But when I told her, I hadn't brought it up because in case you were on Ozempic, I didn't know if you'd be embarrassed you were on it. I think that my broader point, which is it's sad to me that people would be embarrassed that they're on Ozempic.

Well, I agree with that. I don't think it's embarrassing. I want more people who are on it to say they're on it so that it cannot be embarrassing. And we've obviously talked about that a ton. I think get on it if you want to get on it, but maybe be honest about the fact that you're on it.

Also, don't get on it if you don't want to get on it. I'm not-Of course. Well, there'll be people in the comments like, Stop telling everyone they need to be on Ozempic. I'm not saying that at all.

I want to be very clear. I can't be addressing all those, right? We can say what we mean and not have to caveat to commenters.

I agree with you to a large extent. I understand what a very sensitive topic it is. So I want to be ultra-clear when I'm talking now, what I think is a very sensitive topic that is very easily triggering to somebody. So I wouldn't take this amount of time if I was talking about many other things.

I was just saying, I said, if you want to get on it, get on it. I don't think we need to say, if you don't want to get on it. I mean, we can. We can do whatever we want. But I'm just like, whatever. Anyway, all to say, I think I'm going to stop eating the burritos.

I think I would second that decision.

What was I going to say? Well, I've been a little under the weather.

Okay, you seemed yesterday like you were struggling. Yeah, I had a headache.

I wonder if this has... God, is it all tied in?

I'll tell you a very life-affirming thing. Okay. So that burrito is a cautionary tale, I think.

No, everyone should...

Not eat burritos singularly for two weeks straight once a day. Life affirming, Lincoln had her end of her school year, fifth grade dance last night?

Oh, my God. How sweet.

We've talked about it. Some of my very favorite memories of life are the sixth grade dance, the seventh grade dance, and the eighth grade dance. God, were those fun? I wish we would have had fifth grade. We didn't have it. So it's nice. They're starting them earlier. And the theme was like '80s and graffiti. So Lincoln made a full Jean outfit that she had spray-painted. Her and Hannah did, and it looked tremendous. It looked like something you would buy at whatever store you throw. Not really, but it was cool. I feel like she could sell these. And I picked her up, and there's Almost nothing funner to witness than a bunch of fifth graders at a dance. There was an ice cream truck. Everyone's in their crazy '80s graffiti outfits. They're Congo-lining, taking pictures. Lincoln's crying when I pick her up. It's so sweet. Because she's happy? Yes, joy. It's over and missing people already.

Because it was the last hurrah.

Yeah, the last time at the school. And these kids, most Most of them are going in many different directions because it was a charter school that doesn't have a middle school. Another funny thing, my kids hate when I say junior high, which is so funny to me because middle school seems so much stupider than junior high to me.

No, I'm with her.

You are. I went to middle school. But did you go to middle school? Yeah, I went to middle school.

Middle school? Yeah. Junior high, so I was very dated. That was junior high. It was?

Yeah. Doesn't it sound cooler?

Oh, my God. Maybe it's regional.

He's got high school in the title. Carl Sandberg, Junior High.

But it's Junior High. That sounds cool.

Now, say it the other way. It's Carl Sandberg, Middle School. Oh, I'm sorry. You went there? Mm. Now, Junior High. Oh. Another fun thing. I woke up I have an insatiable desire three days ago to talk to my junior high friend, Joey Ricardi.

Okay.

Italian. You've heard me talk about his dad. His dad was a brick lair from Italy, built them a beautiful brick Ranch, and he had a Bertoni that he drove in the- He might have come up in this interview, which is weird. Oh, wow.

He might have.

But I think because I recently told a story about his dad, I was maybe thinking about him a lot. And so I tracked down his number, and last night, after I picked Lincoln up from this adorable dance, I talked to him for an hour and a half, and it was so goddamn fun.

That's nice. That's a nice little blast from the past. It was. Speaking of The Row, it's Mary Kate and Ashley's birthday today. Happy birthday. Oh, it is. Yeah.

Okay. Happy birthday, girls.

Happy birthday. I love you. I miss you. I want to be you. We love them. Yeah, we love them. I mistakenly did not wear The Row today.

But I don't want my ex-girlfriend to hear that I love her sister.

That would be No, it would be fine. Just like, if your ex-girlfriend said they loved you and your brother, I love the shepherds. Yeah. You'd love that.

I would. I would want anyone to love my brother. Speaking of which, she's coming Sunday.

That's That's fun. What are you guys going to do?

Father's Day Volleyball. Volleyball, Pick-a-Ball Tournament. Cool. Double activity, Father's Day.

That's really nice. Well, I'm still waiting to learn.

Well, you're invited for a lesson anytime you want. Not Sunday, that's dad's only. Okay. But I'll definitely teach you how to play at any point if you want to learn.

Well, I do, but I can't invite. You have to do it.

But you have to say, Hey, I want to learn pick-a-ball.

I've said it a lot.

Okay. And I'm saying it again. And you would receive instruction from me. Now, that's another... We got to sort that out now. Yeah, I think so.

Have you ever taught me something? I mean, obviously, you teach me all kinds of things, but have you ever... We taught you spades.

Yeah, you taught me spades. I taught you how to ride in the sand car. You were very receptive. I'm like, Here's what you got to do while you're in the seat. You got to follow with your eyes the track we're going to ride. There were instructions. Here's how the seat belt works. I buckled you in the whole nine.

I think I'm pretty good I think.

Receiving instruction?

Yeah.

Yeah, I think so, too.

I like getting things right.

Yeah. And you like teachers.

I love teachers. Right.

It's me who has a hard time getting instruction. Exactly. Yeah.

I think it would go okay. Okay, great. Although I do have a history. I did not receive instruction well from my father.

Oh, Most daughters don't. Yeah. Yeah.

But so you're in a gray area as a dad. So it could go poor. Let's leave the door open for it to go poorly.

Yeah. Well, I could have Lincoln teach you.

Oh, I'd love that.

Yeah, that'd be fun for both of you. She knows.

Yeah, I would love that.

It's not like she would mislead you.

No, no, yeah.

So maybe I'll oversee that. I'll be the quiet observer. And then if she messes up, I will tell you on the side, because that's when we can get into our biggest snafu's.

Yeah, what if we get in a big three-way fight. Oh my God, it could be explosive.

It could be very explosive. Yeah, what's happening, which is truly sweet and ultimately quite flattering, is for her to be wrung in front of me is very hard for her, which is very sweet.

Oh, you're sensing that?

I have isolated that that's when I really set off a chain reaction between her and I as if I correct her because she wants to be on it for me, which is really sweet.

Oh, man, I wonder where she got that. I can't even begin to think where that comes from.

No, I know where it came from. I mean, yeah.

Yeah, it is sweet.

You know, Laura Le Bon and I were sitting in the hot tub last night. My mom's visiting, and we got to talking about my dad. She said, one of the many nice things that you and your brother got from your dad is that you're very in touch with your feminine side like your dad was.

Is your brother, too?

Yeah. Yeah. That's nice. He does really well with girls. I don't mean does well with them like lands' chicks. I mean, he interacts with... He feels very safe around them. I think that's his sweet smile. I said, Yeah, over time, I think I've come to recognize quite a bit of the appealing things about me are from him. There's so many things I now realized that he was so affectionate and loving. Dad's in the '80s where I grew up. Wasn't a given. And she said, Oh, he was the sweetest boy on planet Earth. When I met him, she said, He just treated me like a princess from the day we met. And we had this very beautiful moment where she was remembering what a sweet boyfriend he was, and I was remembering what a sweet daddy was.

Coming up on Father's Day.

Oh, I didn't even think of the timing, but yeah, it was very sweet. And then I thought, too, love is so weird Yeah. My mom certainly loved that man to death and still loves him so much and thinks back on what a beautiful time they had and how sweet he was to her.

Yeah. And do you think part of that is you just forget the bad stuff, or is it she's not forgotten the bad stuff, but it doesn't matter. It's all folded into the same thing.

Yeah, I don't think she's forgotten the bad stuff because in that conversation, she talks about the things that ultimately made them not work out. So it's like she has full awareness. But I think over time, what happens is I think what's very lasting is love, and what's pretty erosive is resentment. Yeah.

Which is lovely. For some people, I think if you- I said erosive, like I know that's a word. Corosive.

No, I mean it erodes. I don't know if erose is a word, but it should be.

It's like ephemeral. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, Yeah. I think if you're lucky, you live like that.

Right.

And not if you're lucky, you can choose to live like that.

I do. Intellectually, I know all the reasons Bre and I broke up, but I have no emotions anymore attached to those reasons I know intellectually. They used to be full of a lot of emotions. Of course. But the positive things are still emotions.

Yeah. If that is easy to do in retrospect, for you looking at Bre and for your mom looking at your dad, the current friction isn't there. So, yeah, it can go.

For me, just anger has a half life. And for me, love doesn't have a half life. And I probably am just lucky in that way. Yeah, you're right. Some people seem to be able to really fortify that anger and resentment.

But I think it's a choice.

Yeah. And I don't know that I didn't decide this because of AA. But of course, there's many great sayings about this in AA, one of them being resentments are like drinking poison and hoping your enemy dies. Yeah, that's a really good one. You're the only person who suffers from this anger. It has no impact on the person you're mad at.

I know.

It doesn't affect them at all.

I think when you have any complicated relationship, you're forced to do this, make a decision about how you want to feel about it overall, even when you're in it and it's complicated. Is this going to be something that's costing me, or do I want to look at it as a gift in some way?

Yeah, or something that nurtured you. Yeah.

Taught you something, whatever.

Yeah. I do detect... What's funny is I could just flat out ask her. She's so honest and we talk so openly. But I do detect that nothing ever matched that. But I don't know because my mom loves Barton. Of course. Yeah, big time.

Also, you've talked about this. You feel like-When you're younger. No, you've said that you don't feel-like there's an order. Yeah.

Yeah, that's true. Yeah. So I don't even know why.

Well, of course, you want... I mean, if I were you, I would want my dad to be number one. Yeah, I want my mom to love my dad the most.

Yeah, I guess you're right. Yeah. Well, and it's interesting because I guess you want to be the product of that.

Yeah, of course. There's a fantasy around you are the product of this magical once in a lifetime love of your life. True love. True love. Yeah. But the reality is- I'm so warmly. The reality is everyone's a- Product of a sperm and an egg. Yeah. And that true love is complex.

Sure.

It's not... I remember one time, this is funny. This popped in my head the other day. I don't remember the specific details, but Lincoln was so little. She was She must have been two or three. Too little. It was T-W-O little or maybe three. But somebody maybe asked her, Do you know how you were made? Or something. And she said, Yeah, because of you in mommy's love. That was her explanation for her. Right.

We hadn't gotten in yet to the penis and vagina.

Well, sure. But she knew from... It was like her idea of herself was that she was born out of love.

The product of love.

Which is so beautiful.

It is.

It's lovely. I mean, I've never thought that in my life.

Interesting. I wonder if that's in the dynamic. For your own psychology, I'm wondering.

I mean, in what way? You mean just in the way I look at love, I view love, I view partnership.

Yeah. I think there's something about... This isn't the case. But if you think, I'm the product of a financial arrangement.

Yeah, that's not the case.

It's not the case. It's not at all. I'm using an extreme example because I don't know how to articulate whatever. Yeah.

I don't know.

I feel like that would affect my psychology in some way. I don't know. I want to be the product of love. I don't Why?

I don't think- It's very romantic, but you are very romantic, so maybe that- I am.

Yeah, I'm super romantic.

About life, yeah. I am more practical about life, and that is probably a part of it because I am a result of a practical partnership. Right. I would definitely not have a financial arrangement. No. That might do something to my psychology. But I mean, I don't know, though, because- Let's say that you were in the 1500s, and France and England put these two people together to join empires, and they had you literally just to carry on the family empire empire.

Right. That's just an interesting origin story.

It is, but it's what everyone's doing. It's just hooded in this different veil. You found love in order to carry on the thing. You wanted kids, so you found love to do that. My parents wanted kids, and they found this arrangement to do that. I mean, this is also... I don't want to do them a disservice because it's not... Making it sound like they didn't like each other. There was a broker. They did. They had a whole life before me, and they liked each other a lot and loved each other and love each other still. But it wasn't romantic.

Because for me, the way you just laid it out. It's true, but I also think I would add to it, which is like, yeah, I want to have a child, but I want half of that child to be someone I love. I want to go create this new being with the type of person that I love because then they will be the type of person I love. You know what I'm saying? I wouldn't have desired to have kids with someone that I totally disrespected and Totally.

Well, yeah.

I'm only saying, on one level, you're dead right. The human is the human. It's a sperm and an ovum and whatever. What was behind it isn't actually relevant. It doesn't matter. It doesn't. It It's interesting. But when you're thinking about the person you're going to bring into your life and nurture for the rest of your life, I was highly selective, and I'm not going to do it with somebody that I have disregard for.

For sure. It's funny because what you're saying is you wanted kids with someone you love so that those...

The product is a combination.

And I would say my parents have that, but they would probably replace love with admire or respect.

Yeah, right.

Which is the same in many ways. I think it's all the same.

If I admire and respect somebody, I'm prone to be in love with them. Yeah.

I don't know how we got on the subject. My dad. Love. Your dad, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's really sweet.

What are you doing for your father on this glory's Day?

He wants a gift card.

That's the most practical man in the world, other than this rice thing.

I think it's going to be a little bit of a sad one. Why? No grandpa. All right. First one without him. It's sad. I think it's going to be sad for my mom.

Yeah. But you're going to give your dad a gift card to where?

Probably Amazon.

Oh, smart. He's not a Home Depot guy.

He goes there, but it's not like- It's because he has to.

He doesn't love it. He goes, Men have to report to Home Depot occasionally, or we get- Jury duty? Yeah. We get summoned. We get kicked out of the club if we don't pass through there occasionally, put in our some FaceTime?

He's been, but he he he prefers Amazon now. He likes that two-day delivery, same-day delivery. Hard to beat. It's really hard to beat. I agree. Yeah. Father's Day. Good old Father's Day.

Good old father's day. Good old father's day. Facts.

Facts. Okay. She said the first suburbs were invented in Long Island, Levittown, and that is correct.

Good job. She got it. Yeah, she did get it. How much did she win, Rob? A hundred bucks. Oh, wow. Perfect. She got $100 on the board. Wow. Okay.

I guess that's Rob's money because I did not agree to that.

And a burrito.

So 120 bucks. Okay, let's see. Then... Without saying the name of the place everyone now knows Everyone knows. We say it on stage.

I know. But even if you didn't know and you heard the burrito was $20, you go, well, it could only be one place. Exactly. Oh, I've got one fun thing. It's a fact, too. My partner at the Bouncy House, if you heard, I was a volunteer the field day. And my partner was this really wonderful woman, and we got to chatting about what she does. And she does... I don't know how I describe it. Maybe vibe management at a law firm, keeping the culture there, happy and productive and blah, blah, blah. And I said, of all the tools at your disposal to keep the workforce happy, what's the number one? And she said, without question, food. If you bring in good food for people or when they have people come out to interview for jobs from all the fancy colleges, I bring Aroan. People want to have Aroan when they come to California.

Does she bring the smoothies?

I don't know, but I just know. And I was like, oh, I bet they also want in and out. She's like, Yes, they want in and out. They want Aroan. Like, these kids in college, they know what's out here.

Yeah, they're smart.

And they want it.

Well, this is a ding, ding, ding Easter egg because on synced, I say, I wonder across the country how a where people are of marijuana and the smoothies and stuff. Because everyone here is aware, obviously. But then I thought maybe because of TikTok and stuff, it is pretty widespread.

Apparently, these candidates from these Ivy League schools, they know.

Wow. Okay. So can you be on your period around bears? You're not going to like this. Despite a widespread misconception that menstrual odors attract black grizzly bears and precipitate attacks. There is no evidence for this. Now, this is from bear. Org. This is the North American Bear Center. This is real. The misconception began in 1967 when grizzly bears killed a menstruating woman and a woman who was approaching menstruation in Glacier National Park. But it's not true. No instances of black bears attacking or being attracted to menstruating women were found when an extensive review of black bears across North America was conducted. So if you're walking through the woods on your period, it is unlikely a bear will sniff you out and attack you. The thing is, don't risk it, okay? I think you could back up and make it less specific.

Do they smell blood from far away? That's the question. And all respect to bear. Org. But Doug- I know. Lived with bears his whole life and watched them respond to things. I'm going to definitely trust the guy who lives with a bear when he says- But you're going to trust one guy, Doug, over real research from bear.

Org from a lot of bears.

This is what they're claiming, though, is almost unknowable. They're going like... What they're doing is they're looking at all bear attacks, right? And then they're looking at how many of the people were menstruating. I'm a little suspicious that every time someone got attacked by a bear, someone came in and asked the question, Are you menstruating? I'm a little suspicious if that ever happened.

I bet they do because they do ask, Was there food out? They ask questions to know what's attracting them.

We're guessing. We don't really... Or maybe you're not. I've never seen the aftermath of questioning that goes on.

You could assume, based on the the internet when they say, don't have open food out, that that's because they've done research to know that that attracts bears. Yeah. Okay, there's more I'm reading. There's no evidence that menstrual odors attract or trigger bear attacks. In fact, studies have found that that black bears ignore menstrual odors, regardless of age, sex, or reproductive status. They don't discriminate. I added that. A review of black bear attacks across North America since 1900 found no instance of a black bear killing a menstruating woman. Grizzly bears are also more interested in grass than menstrual products. So maybe they did an experiment. The only bear that has shown interest in menstrual blood is the polar bear, but only when presented with the used tampon.

So they've done I do want to just say that all that data was from black bears. And I just need to point out I was dealing with a brown bear.

Grizzly, it said.

But it wasn't nearly as extensive as all the other stuff.

Grizzly bears are more interested in grass than menstrual products. That to me means they did some tests. Okay. Okay. Now I'm going to read about things to do when you encounter a bear.

Okay. Get rid of your tampon. What if that was the number one thing?

You know what's really annoying is it took me a while to find this because almost everything was just about bear spray. It really wants you to have bear spray, and there was hard to find if you don't have bear spray, which most people don't.

I don't have any.

Okay. Number one thing to do is know your bears. North America is home to three bear species: the black bear, brown bear, a species that includes the grizzly bear and polar bear. Find out which species live in the place where you live or plan to travel. Okay, I'm not going to get into that, but look it up. Okay, number two, don't unwittingly attract them. Bears have a better sense of smell than dogs and love humans' food. So the main strategy to avoid run-ins is to minimize any sense or attractance on your body, composite or property. If you're a hiker, be more careful about various kinds of sense and things that you would have on you, such as food, deodorant, and even chewing gum. They're not saying anything about periods or tampons. No problem. Okay, carry bear spray. We already talked about that. Okay, now this was important. If you are attacked or pursued, react according to the species of bear. I think this is important to know. Typically, if you're in a place where there's just black bears, you would be bold and aggressive to a bear that approaches you. Throw things, standing tall and yelling will drive away most black bears, although that strategy is not foolproof.

I've seen pretty scary videos where black bears have actually attacked people when they're doing everything right. He says nothing's 100 %. If you run into a grizzly, your approach should be the opposite, backing away slowly and getting away from the situation without provoking the animal. That's especially true with female grizzly bears with cubs, which can be particularly dangerous. In an analysis of 675 bear attacks in Alaska, the vast majority of incidents in which bears charged occurred when people and bears confronted each other at close range within 10 yards or less. In more than 50% of those situations, the person was not physically hurt. That's interesting. Okay, number seven, never run. You can't outrun a bear. The best thing to do is walk away slowly from a bear if it already clearly sees you, or I guess get big and throw things if it's a black bear. Number eight, know when to play dead. Only play dead after a bear has made contact with you.

There's a lot to think about here. I know. You come face to face, and you're like, Shit, what number am I on?

First, you have to know your bears.

Yeah. Well, I know my bears.

Well, then you said- That some brown bears are Yes.

Yes, I know. Which is very upset. And many black bears can be brown. But there's a huge size difference.

That's the main thing. I mean, I have to think about this now when I go to Anthony and Allison's house because there was a bear in their yard.

Yeah, but it was a black bear.

It was brown, and apparently it was a brown black bear. Yeah.

That's what started. Bear spray. Just get some bear spray. I might. Oh, my gosh.

Well, maybe I could use it on my wogs, too. It could double duty.

I bet those people wouldn't move off the sidewalk if you sprayed them.

That's what I was referencing. Came in hot. I have to be... I have guilt. Uh-oh. I have to relieve some guilt here. Okay.

This is a safe place to do so.

I feel bad. I don't think those people are hanging out anymore. No, actually, I think maybe they picked a new place. Don't be mad at me for this.

I am not mad at you. I am laughing.

You're ashamed.

No, I'm laughing.

If If you express guilt and then I was ashamed, I would be in trouble.

So just know that. I'm laughing at this outcome.

I don't know if it's true. Right.

I'm going with you and assuming it's true if you feel bad.

I feel like maybe they disembodied their group. Or maybe they did something smart and picked a better location for the hang.

Right. Something happened.

I do feel bad, though. And then I'm also, I'm annoyed that I feel bad because I still believe that was not a good setup and that it caused people a lot of inconvenience.

Yeah.

But now I am worried that I ruined some friendships, which I don't want to do.

Oh my God. Fuck.

There's no winning.

It reminds me of my favorite moment in this world on Stern, which is like, he was way into Peloton, and he would talk about his favorite teacher a lot on the show. And then it's at least his conclusion that had gotten to her, and she started being performative to him, specifically. Oh, no. Yeah, these things happen.

Things get really out of control.

I know. To hear him break it down, because it was also this happened over many, many episodes, right? He would talk about her a lot. And then it was, again, he thinks he observed a wink at one point, not a physical wink, but some type of wink. Oh, like a wina. Like a wina.

Okay.

And then it just evolved into he felt very Single now. Like the whole thing. Yes, he just couldn't enjoy it anymore. Fuck. And then he quit? And so he had to stop using her as an instructor.

Oh, no.

And I think he probably felt how you're feeling right now.

Guilty, yeah. I mean, I've logged past at least one girl I know was in the group. And she's like on her own now. Oh, crying? I always wog really fast by her, and I don't make eye contact. Okay. Should I say sorry to her?

When you see her? Yeah. No, I have nothing to apologize for. So you're no crazy. Look, I'm not. I'm so scared. I don't- I'm not saying you're scared.

I'm not scary. I'm a normal girl. Okay.

I'm not scared. I am fearful that I'm going to say something that is going to sound like I'm on one side or another. Okay. And I don't want to be on one side or the other. And I'm not thinking But I was going to just hypothetically walk through you broaching the topic with her and how difficult that would be, because on one hand, you're going, this will sound so egotomenal Iical if I bring this up, and no one has heard anything. I'm just saying, so that's-Exactly. That's dicey. And then also, I think it's a great policy to bring things up with people and see how they feel. So this is a very tricky dynamic.

The thing is, if I started to apologize, it would be weird because I think the right thing happened. I think taking Coming up an entire section of the sidewalk and not moving is not good.

If I were you, and I felt as you've expressed to me, you feel about it, and I started talking with her, I think I might inadvertently want to say. I would first say, I'm so sorry you guys don't get together anymore. But then I would go, why didn't you just move? Why did you have to break up and not just accommodate the pedestrians?

Exactly.

And so if that's probably likely to come out, then maybe you do skip it.

That's not a good idea.

Yeah, I don't know. Because then you're re-instigating the whole thing.

I know. But I do want to know that. You guys could have just stepped out. Right. It would have been the easiest solution. Everyone would have been happy. Anyway.

Anywho. Keep us updated.

I want you to take whatever side you want in this life and not be worried about the comments and speak your truth to me. You normally... You used to. And I don't think it's... I don't think we are who we are if we don't.

Right. But I... Okay. Additionally, many times in life, my point isn't worth me upsetting you. It's not a cost-benefit that works for me. So if I'm going to put you in a terrible mood because I take some position, regardless of the comments, I'm likely to do that math. And I did not touch it. Okay. There's many things in my household I just stay quiet on. I'll hear debates going on between the three of them.

Sure.

And I go, I have an opinion here, but I don't...

It's not-I don't need to say it.

It's not so vital that I share it. Yeah, that's fair. And it's not going to make the temperature in this room any better. So why do it?

I get that at your house, and I get it here, too. And I do think I do that, too. But the reality is we're not here to live peacefully in your home. We are doing something. So if you have an opinion, you're allowed to share it. Yeah.

And by the way, there's lots of opinions I have that they rise to that burden where it's like, I feel very strongly about this, to the point where I'd feel like I was betraying myself to not push back about this. And if Monica's mad about it, I'll deal with that. Yeah. But this certainly isn't one of them at all. I'm guaranteed you're doing that for me all the time. Yeah. Yeah.

That's it.

Well, happy Father's Day to you.

Happy Father's Day to you. Thank you. Good job fathering.

Thank you. I'm very happy with it.

It's happy with the way it's going.

It's been the single best choice I've ever made.

Yeah. Congratulations.

Thank you. All right. Love you. Love you.