Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Expert. I'm Dax Sheppard. I'm joined by Ms. Monica Mouse.

Hello.

Ms. Monica.

Hi.

I have been looking so forward to this guest for six and a half years. Yes. And we finally got her. And then the version of which we got her could not be more exceptional. Yeah. I'm not going to ruin any of it for you. You'll hear all of it, but it's an interview that shouldn't have happened that happened.

Yes. Through sheer will. Yes.

Tiffany Hadish. I love Tiffany Hadish so much. She's an award-winning actor, a stand-up comedian, and a best-selling author. You love her in Girls Trip, Night School, The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent, Haunted mansion, The After-Party. You probably read her book, The Last Black Unicorn. She has a new essay collection out tomorrow called I Curse You with Joy. Check out I Curse You with Joy. It's phenomenal. It's out tomorrow. Please enjoy Tiffany Hadish. Hello.

Oh, hi. You made it. That's what I'm doing. Monica, you have a bunch of hands. Hi. Nice to meet you, Monica.

Nice to meet you. Can I sit here?

Yeah, but let's talk. We got you a coffee. We got- I don't drink coffee.

I drink tea. Okay.

What tea would you like?

We have Spearmet tea. Yeah, that's the same thing.

That's the thing.

That's Monica's favorite. You ever see these?

Oh, yeah. With the date. Then I got-They're good. I'm not really hungry though.

Can I put them next to you? Yeah, you can put them right here. I'm worried about you.

You are?

Yes, of course. You're a trooper, I got to say. I think I would have been like, I'm rescheduled.

I should probably offer to just come back tomorrow.

But I don't have time tomorrow. When it cars spin around, I was like, If this thing flips over, What do we do next? How am I going to flip this myself?

That's what I thought.

Then I was just like...

God, I'm glad you're okay.

I'm fine.

Do you have one of those seat belt cutters/window smashes?

No, I don't have that.

You need to get that. I just got one.

I don't get in car accidents often.

Yeah, you've been driving this car for six years. This was your first.

The worst in that car is maybe backing up into a yellow pole. Yeah, sure. That Or the Beverly Hills Hotel when you come out that park structure. Is that the Beverly Hills Hotel right there where the Gramming Parties be at?

Yes, but when you were saying that, I have to admit I was picturing Chateau, which is a disaster.

That one sucks.

Have you ever pulled into the Chateau?

No, I don't even mess around pulling in over there.

It's so scary. You're better off just leaving it on sunset and walking up the hill. Yeah, that's mostly what I do.

I park at the live factory and walk down.

That's clever.

It's 138 days.

That's a long That interview that I did, I think it was in January.

Then it came out at the beginning of February or something like that. I think I said it's been 49 days or something like that. So whenever that was.

What's interesting, though, is you chose to do that then right before the holidays.

Yeah, it was like November or something.

Is that mega for you? I'm an addict, so that's a long time.

I don't think I'm an addict because it doesn't bother me.

Which is shocking.

I'm maybe a workaholic. Here goes my things that I'm addicted to.

Give me yourisms.

I'm a workaholic. I am a laughaholic. That's a good one. I need to hear laughs. I need to be laughing. If a day goes by and I don't hear somebody laughing or if I don't laugh, it's going to be hell on earth. It's going to be a problem. It's dark. I'll get to the point by the end of the day, I'm like, I didn't hear anybody laughing today. I pull up a YouTube video and just, Baby's laughing. Whenever I get down or whatever, Baby's laughing.

It clears the energy. They do have the best laugh.

The best laugh in the world is contagious. It's the realist. I tried to not eat meat for 30 days, and I was doing good. And then I'm definitely addicted to meat, and it's definitely chicken I got to fucking have in pastrami.

I love pastrami. Have you gone to Langer's?

Yes, I've been to Langer's. That's in New York.

Right by MacArthur Park.

Oh, yes.

It's like 85 years old. Yes. Because if you had not been there- And they put the juice on there and all that. That would be the first hang we would have is Langer's. It's time travel because everyone in there is 85 years old. It looks like 1972 in there, and you feel like you time warped. Okay, pastrami, chicken. Candy, you like candy?

I do like candy, but only around this time.

That's not an ism because you're about to have your period.

Right now, I could go for some sour sticks. The sour-Sour straws?

Or sour power. Sour power. What's sour power?

Sour Patch Kids? Sour Power. What's Sour Power? The Sour Power strips.

Okay.

I don't know about this.

You don't know about the Sour Power strip? No. That you used to have to buy at the liquor store back in the day, and you can get three for 25 cents. But I like that with pickle. You wrap a pickle with the sour. This is crazy. Or stick a Jolly Rancher inside a pickle or a mint inside a pickle.

Oh my God, you're wild.

Around this time, or dip the pickle in Kool-Aid, like a real good dill pickle, and you dip it in Kool-Aid powder. Oh my Lord.

That's one of the weirdest things.

One day I'm going to invite you to my house and you try it, you're going to be like, This is fucking dope. If you like sweet and sour.

Well, I like sour. I'm more of a savory, like the chicken ya. I would never, I say that, but I was vegan for a year. But I would never again try to quit meat. That's a joke. We're supposed to eat meat. I don't think we are. You know. No, we are. I don't think we are. Okay, let's have our first bite.

Okay, let's do it. But the way, our teeth are shaped.

I don't think we are. You know why?

Can we pause for just a second?

Yeah, we can pause however.

But we're going to resume this because I got a knockout punch to that retort.

Hello? Good afternoon.

It's Tiffany there.

This is her.

Hi, Tiffany. Good afternoon. I had a service order for your Tesla.

Yes. Are you at a safe location? Yes, I'm in a safe location. My sister Tuesday is with the car right now because I had to be at work. Okay. It's going to be about 60 minutes because we- Good Lord. Why 60 Do you know how famous I am?

Oh, I'm so sorry, dear.

It's all good. Can I pat you in with my sister? Sure. Okay, so she can know, too.

Whose name is the membership under your name?

My name, Tiffany Hadish.

Okay. You want to send me your membership card to this number?

Yeah. I'll send you my membership card. What's your name? My name is Mike. Mike. Are you going to be the one picking up the car, Mike?

No, it's going to be a driver.

You're going to tell me who that is?

I'm going to see which driver gets free, and I'll let you know, most likely it's going to be either Carlos or David.

Carlos or David?

Send Carlos.

No, send David. I like the name David. No.

I like that name David.

No, David's not lazy. David is a good strong name. No.

Get Carlos on there.

He's a hater. I'm sorry. That's right. Okay, I'm going to send you the insurance now. And are you a triple A insurance also? No.

What insurance are you?

State Farm.

Yeah, we're not allowed to say that on this show.

We'll cut it out. I'm actually doing a podcast at the same exact time. I'm at work. One second. I'm so sorry. What? State Farm. We're not sponsored.

Don't say State Farm. I don't even know the name of the numbers.

I got to lock the number in to send. I'm going to do this. Copy that.

Then I'm going to do this. Make this move.

I'm going to do this. Then...

Oh, don't do that.

Oh, I got to do this. Then I'm going to do this. Then I'm going to do that. Then bam. Don't be giving all my personal information.

You haven't given any yet. I'm sure Mike is panicked right now.

Hello, the tow truck guy. He told me to hold on for a second. I wanted to merge him with you. Either David or Carlos is coming. He said it's going to be 60 minutes. Sixty minutes?

That's the way the fuck I feel.

But Liz told me at 3:45. That's what they had told her, but then he just called me and said 60 minutes because he don't know. Is that Tuesday? Yeah, it's Tuesday. Hey. Dax said, Hey. But he don't know if it's going be Carlos or David that's going to be available. So then he done hung up on me now. I'm going to send you his phone number so you could call him. Yeah, all right. Send me his number. Okay. Love you.

Bye. We can be done with the show now. That was perfect.

Talk about privileged. Shoot.

I'll be back to my car before they even get to me. Exactly. Be like, You know what, dad? Just drop me off where you pick my ass up at. I will handle this. This is some bullshit. Where was we at? Meat. Just skip it. Why is meat important? Meat.

Okay, you want me to tell you why our teeth aren't resembling those of other omnivores?

Yes, because that's where I was about to go with it, with the teeth.

Cooking. We have been cooking meat for two and a half million years, so we didn't need to have those teeth, and those teeth are expensive. You have to dedicate a lot of nutrients and growth to them, so we don't have anything extra. We wouldn't carry around these big canines if we didn't need them. So since we've been cooking meat for two and a half million years, cooking it allows us to eat it with these teeth.

So our teeth have genetically modified is what you're saying because we've been cooking meat.

Yeah. In the archeological record, we know 100% humans have been eating meat forever.

You're not buying it.

I got to tell her.

I think humans eat bugs.

Sure, they eat bugs.

Which is a meat. I think humans should be eating more vegetables. I feel like my teeth. I don't know how your teeth is, white man, but my teeth like eating vegetables better than me. But the way my intestines work, the way that the bacteria is set up in my body, the parasites in my body, likes fried chicken and likes baked chicken and loves, loves, loves that chicken, that rotisserie. When it's all smoky and stuff and it's just spinning and spinning the juice dripping off of it.

Oils popping out the side.

I just want to lick the skin when it's all crisp and everything.

We know.

I don't like blood. I do like red meat, but mostly just beef.

Where are you at on steak? Well done.

I don't want it to look like it's on this period at all. If I cut into it and anything pink come out, I don't want it. You're out. I'm done. I don't even want to eat it. I'm going to eat around all the burn parts. I like my meat horse.

Hard and not red.

So Can we let people in on what has happened?

I think they might have been able to reverse engineer what happened. But poor Tiffany was in route to the attic and got into an accident and was spun around violently. We don't know one another, despite you think might have met at an NFL event. But putting that aside, I don't think we know each other. So I said, I'll come pick you up.

I think we actually met. I wanted to say, but then I don't want to hurt your feelings, but I think we was in jail together.

Okay, well, that's a lot more likely than us being at an NFL event.

I really want to say I've seen you at this dope dealer house that I used to date, but I don't know.

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

That's probably true.

That also is true.

That's what I really want to say, but I don't want to put you on blast. But since you said you was an addict, I said, Fuck it.

Oh, yeah, we go full.

Listen, you know where we may have met, actually? Is that a Casa event? Have you been to CASA? Yes, that's exactly where it was. That's where it's at. It was an event. I hosted the CASA banquet maybe five years in a row.

And I performed at it? Yes. It was in the beginning, right? When Girls Trip took off.

Yeah. And you told your story. Mm-hmm. That's what was weird. That actually solves everything because going into researching you, I don't know your story, but for some reason I knew it. Why do I know she was in foster care and shit? So I think it was the CASA event. It was the cost of that. Very different from an NFL event.

And we pissed in the mouth.

Yes, we did. I said, Please don't tell my wife. And you said, I will never tell anyone until I'm on your podcast.

And then I pissed your wife in the mouth. And we saved so many foster kids.

So many lives. Okay, so you were in a car accident. I went and picked you up. There was an incredibly handsome guy, Justin, helping. When you show up at an accident like I just did, there's so many people around, and I'm trying to figure out who's she with? Was she in the car with anyone? I was by myself. Who's this handsome guy? There's some fans. It's a different experience when you're famous and you get in a car accident.

I was trying to decide if I was going to act like I was fucked up.

For them?

Yeah, when the car spun around, I was sitting there, I was trembling a little bit, and I was like, Where did my phone go? Because it flew out of the holder, and it hit me in the arm and the leg. I was like, Where's the phone? And then I picked the phone up off the floor, and then I was like, Let me try to get the car out of the middle of the road, and thank God, nobody was coming from the other direction.

Because you got knocked into on the incoming traffic, and thankfully, there was no traffic.

And so I tried to push the car over. It did not want to go. I was like, Come on. Come on, Tiff Nisony. You can do it. Get over there to the side of the road, girl. When I pushed her up and she hear the car going… Yeah.

It fought. There was a big long rubber mark where you had driven it down the road with three wheels.

And if you paid attention, you could see the spin in the middle. And I didn't step on the break either because you know they say, don't pound on the break.

During a crash?

I just took my foot, take your feet off. You had the wherewithal during that to go like, I want a break, but I'm not going to break. I find that hard to believe.

You think I broke? I'm telling you, I had taken enough race car classes. I went like this.

Feet all the way up.

Because my legs went... Shit, they hit me.

Drunk drivers always live because they're loose.

They're stuck.

Okay. You had a moment, though, where you were thinking about acting super injured? Yeah.

My first thought was, jump out this car, cuss these motherfuckers out. That was my first thought. You motherfuckers, you didn't hear me honking at you? How do you stop? That's what I wanted to do. Then I was like, Fuck, you're famous. Do not behave that way. That's inappropriate. Then I see the guy get out the car and he's walking towards me and he's like, Are you okay? He said, Oh, shit. I hit my favorite person. I'm holding the phone and I'm like, Who do I call first? Who do I call first? I'm trembling. And I'm like, Did I fuck this guy before? Do I know him? I'm like, trembling. I'm looking at him walking up and I'm like, Maybe I bought weed from him back in the day.

You're forgetting that he knows you from television?

I'm just wondering, do I know him? He kept saying, Are you all right? Are you good? I rolled the window down and I said, I guess, maybe.

That's good. Non-committal. Now you can go either way.

I'm trembling, though. I'm like, Okay, trembling is good. You're releasing trauma. I'm like, Should I get out of this car limping? Do I even want to limp? Tiffany, your ass do hurt because you've been doing all them bar classes. You've been really working on booty muscles.

You're just soar. Punishing them, really.

Yeah, well, I'm just building them. I'm trying to melt the cellular in the I'm like, Do you want to do this? Then I'm like, No, always operate out of honesty and truth. It's a lot of adrenaline rushing. You don't know how you're going to feel in three hours because I dead bug. I'm like, Let us get go. I sat there for a minute, and then a dude walked up, the handsome guy, Justin. Very handsome. I'm like, I know I know him. I just don't know why I know him. Then he walks over to the window. He goes, You okay? Tiffany, right? I was like, Yes. I called my sister first. You're going to have to let the PR people know. You're going to have to let this person know. You're going to have to let that person know. She's like, I'm like, Oh, shit. I'm coming to get you. Where are you at? And then I was like, You got to call this. She's like, I'm going to call this person first. And I'm like, Oh, shoot. Okay. She's like, But are you alive? I'm like, I called you. I think I'm fine. So far, I feel pretty okay.

And then he's like, Do you need a ride? I'll take you. And I was like, Why do I know your face? I do know you. And he was like, From the Comedy Store. And I was like, Bet. That's exactly where I know you from. And I was like, Oh, and I hit on you a few times. I apologize.

Okay, right, right, right. Again, he was inordinately handsome to be helping on this. It It seemed like it was cast in a movie. It's a meet cute. Also, he was in tremendous shape. The first thing I said to him as I walked up is, Boy, you're handsome. In what shape you're in? And he's 52.

Did you miss all that? Yeah, I missed all of that. When I saw him, I did gush a little bit. And not from my face or anything, like little blood came out. My ovaries turned. Not about to. It started. It started this morning. I woke up in the blood this morning. And then I got out and I walked around to see the damage and I was just looking I said, damn, you fucked my shit up. And the guy goes, But are you okay? And then I turned around and looked into the bushes and said, why every time on my period, always some bullshit happened on day one?

The fuck on day one? I know. That's The devil is too busy.

Take your vacation.

Then I turned around and looked back at the guy and said, It's just a car.

Are you okay? You got your senses. That's nice. Yeah, you let off a little steam.

You jumped a lot of hurdles to get to a nice place.

Because if this was 2003, if it was 1998, I might have pulled a bat out and been like, I'm going to fuck your ass. I'm fucking up my car that Tyler Perry gave me. But I didn't do that.

You wouldn't have had insurance. You would have a whole host of other problems in '98. No, I wouldn't have had insurance. In '98? In the geo Metro? I had insurance. Oh, my shit was constantly uninsured. Oh, no.

My shit was insured. It was $12. It was a 1995 geo Metro. That shit was not that expensive.

I had a Metro as well. So dependable. Do you at all regret letting it go? I feel like you should have kept it just so you could look at it every now and then.

I don't know where it's at. It don't work though. Can we get it?

We could get it every story. I'm being sincere because I let my Honda Civic go. That little car got me everywhere and I was broke. And I'm like, I need to bring that little guy up.

I had over a million miles on it.

No, you should have been in a commercial with it.

Over a million miles. God bless the G. It was like a million five.

We got to get that car.

I know exactly where it's at.

Every now and then, you should go out and sit in it and then really internalize where you're at.

I just sit in it and cry. It used be my cry space.

After you already made it? Mm-hmm. Over what, generally? Any old thing or the same thing?

Usually the first day of my period. Usually the first day of my period, something crazy happens.

We caught you on a hell of a day. Yeah, you did.

Day one of the period. Because it was supposed to start two more days, but I guess that eclipse fucked my shit up. It did.

Threw my cycle off. Did that throw things off for you? Oh, yeah. It messes everyone's periods up. Are you a water sign?

No, I'm a fire sign.

Oh, I could see that.

What does that mean? Oh, I know your birthday. You're December. Third. .

1909, you're a fucking bitch.

79. I'm 75. Now, listen, what's really ironic is really within that car accident, everything I've learned about you today is that play. One is, when I go on a 711 and shit's going off, I love when there's two crazy people screaming at each other, and maybe the guy's going to come from around the corner, or maybe I'm going to be in the middle of it. I'm an arousal junky from the trauma. I'm good in these situations. You're in this chaotic situation, but you're like, Oh, yeah, take my foot off the break. I feel this way. The shaking is going to pass. Part of it is you're trained for this. Some other people will be screaming, losing their mind. They wouldn't be on the phone. It'd take them 35 minutes to get their shit together, and you're rolling through it. It's telling.

You all been through a lot of shit.

Do you find that you're pretty calm when shit's going sideways? Yeah.

From what I remember from therapy and all the classes I've taken over the years, you're not supposed to react to things. You respond. First sign of mental illness is when you react to situations as opposed to responding to them.

You hopping out of the car screaming would be a reaction.

And that's a mental illness.

Yeah, and that would have been my very first desire to get out and defend myself, basically.

Yeah, but he didn't jump out of the car coming at me aggressively. They didn't try to pull off and leave.

But you were doing your thing and another human being that you have no control over changed the course of your day. And for me, it means more than just that thing. It's back to a million times I thought I was just doing my day and other motherfuckers It's changed the course of my day. It goes straight back to a feeling that's not even a car accident.

Right. Is this out of my face swelling right now? No.

Do you feel it? Do you feel the expanding?

Can I tell you what you're going to feel tomorrow? It's not going to be your butt or your back.

It hurts. It does. Maybe If I were to hit my face, too.

Oh, shit. Do you want ice? We could get you some.

Do you want to go home?

No. I'll drive you home. No, because I'm just going to sit around and cry.

Okay, well, then stay here. But you know what's going to hurt tomorrow, which doesn't hurt at all right now. I've been with you for 45 minutes, and you've listed a bunch of different things. You're back hurt, but then that might be your period you decided.

Yeah, I decided that's my cycle.

Tomorrow morning, you're going to go, Oh, my neck is sore. Because you got hit from the side and you spawn. What really happened that you have no memory of it is your head went like that. This is no way it didn't.

Maybe my head hit my shoulder really hard.

That could have happened, yeah.

I think Rob's probably going to get you ice. Okay.

Because the side of my face hurts.

Let's get to this right now. It sucks.

It's throbbing.

Do you hate the idea of someone getting you ice?

A little bit. When you said he's going to get you ice, I was like, no. I didn't want to say, Don't do that. But you know what? I'll probably need it.

Yeah, that's another hurdle.

That's good. One of my things I wrote down.

You figured it out? I don't like people doing shit for me. I hate surprises.

Also, you don't want to be pitted.

No, I hate that.

This is the sentence I read where I was like, Okay, I know you. You had an eighth miscarriage, and you didn't want to tell any of your friends because you didn't want them calling you. Are you okay? Are you okay? Are you okay? Now, there's two versions of that. One is you just hate being pitted Indeed. My thing is I have to be indomitable and strong as fuck. If I'm not and people don't think that about me at all time, they're going to try to take advantage of me.

People are going to try to take advantage of you regardless. That's not it.

But if someone was to feel bad for you, what would that mean?

That I can't heal.

That you're weak.

No? I don't want to even say that word. Why you say that word?

That's what I'm saying.

It's not true.

It doesn't mean you're weak. I know it doesn't mean I'm weak, but they treat you that way. Do you have a charger in here just in case my phone dies at some point.

Oh, yeah. That'll be another thing we'll send Rob for. Yeah, we'll send him to dinner. He's going to be busy. We've all been busy. I've never picked a guest up. This is a funny novel for me.

I'm not going home in an Uber because they kidnap people. No, I'll take you home. Okay, cool.

Thanks. I'll take you out to dinner. Some fried chicken. You don't have to take me out to dinner.

I'll hit if it's Popeye.

We'll hit Langer's.

You called on your own, which I do want to tell people, because most people in your situation who are famous, who get in a car accident, are coming to a podcast. One would probably just forget the podcast Who Cares. Second group would tell their publicist, Hey, I got in a car accident. I obviously can't go to this thing. Tell them, You called yourself.

Because I knew they wouldn't call you guys. But that's so nice. Did anybody call you guys?

You did, but I do think the assistant texted or called or something. But also you called. You said specifically, Hey, I got in this car accident, and I'll still do it. I was overhearing this like, Are you kidding me?

I'm not bleeding. I'm not broken. I can still talk and communicate. It's tough. If something happens, if I do have a concussion or I do have internal bleeding going on besides my regular normal bleeding, can you get me a charger as well, love? Thank you so much. Iphone, yes.

Thank you. Well, there's two different charge ones. You have the newest one with the new charger thing or the conventional? Probably this one.

This is conventional. Here, you can take the whole thing. It's a little heavy. It's for weight lifting.

It's to build my booty. I do squats with that phone.

That feels so good right now.

Maybe he did hit your face. It seems like you did. Okay, we shouldn't eat meat.

If you had a concussion, we would be here to then take you to I guess.

Oh, my God, I hate going to the hospital. Can we just do hospital stuff here?

Dax would love to perform surgeries. We got to start with just a general physical to assess where you're at.

No pep smear. You have to finger in my booty. Where were we at before he handed me the ice cream?

I was talking about how much I hate if anyone thinks I'm weak. If you assess me as weak, then you'll be confident enough to try to take advantage of me.

But people try to take advantage anyways.

People prey on me people that they think are vulnerable.

Is that why you're so muscular and buff? Yeah. You even walk your posture is like, Oh, donkey Kong punch you in the head.

Yeah, that's all from that. That's stepdads that were violent and boys that were violent and all that stuff. I'm sending a message to the world. The tattoos, everything's transparent. Move on to someone else. There's an easier target.

Yeah, this is not the one.

That's all I need you to know. I'll fight back. There's someone else that won't. Pick them.

I'll fight back, too, and I'll enjoy it. That's the problem. That's what I'm working on.

We would be the worst couple of all time.

Let me tell you something about me in relationships. I do not argue with men. Now, I may say some smart-ass shit that's going to piss you off, but I will not yell and scream with you.

If you're yelling and screaming at me- Two people in a relationship, neither can be soft, weak, and vulnerable. That's a recipe for- One has to be, and I will be, but I will say the slickest, most fucked up shit that's going to hit your soul, and it's going to hit you on the inside. Two days later.

You'll be like, Oh, fuck.

I just heard what she said. I didn't do the math. That was evil.

She penetrated my spirit with that one.

What's the longest you've been with a guy?

Five years.

When you were married. Was that your longest?

I guess, yeah. Do fuck buddies count? No. No? Okay, then five years.

And that's with the ex-husband? Yeah. Since then, what's the longest?

Two years.

Do you have a pattern that you've noticed that generally spells the end?

Yeah, usually at the nine month mark.

Do you start losing interest at the nine month mark?

Especially if he's never taken me anywhere, no trips, no nothing. Because I don't like surprises. I'm not super big on gifts, but I like adventure, so that's quality time. I like touch. I like super grobing and shit, but a nice pat on the back.

You want to connect physically with the person you love.

Look in my eyes when you're talking to me. Let me know that you hear me. I like Kind words. I'm easy. Cheap as fuck. You cook a meal, I cook a meal. Maybe you don't cook at all. You cut up some onions for me or something. I think that's so fucking awesome. Wash my car, I'm wet. I think that's super romantic. He washed the dishes, clean up something. Oh, acts of service. Fix something for me. I'm sucking your dick.

You heard it here.

That's a good playbook for any dude who wants to take Tiffany out.

That's right.

Acts of service, man. That's hot.

So acts of service is interesting. That's what my wife's love language is.

It's a lot of women's love language.

Yeah, I think that they want to receive that. I'm verbal affirmation. I want to hear- Good words. I want to be told that you like me. Too much, probably. My wife's a genius because she has figured out to just give me just a hair less than I Then I've been intrigued for 17 years. Are you an arousal junky? My therapist said to me once, because I was also reading your history with antidepressants, and it was virtually identical to what I experience.

You have vaginal dryness?

Just a hair up.

That is a common side of it.

I couldn't even get it.

Just dust.

Do you see Dune? It was shot in my pussy when I was on Paxel. I made a ton of money on location rental.

Hilarious.

But what I felt, and I learned the term of while I was on it was blunting or bunting. I was sitting on a river in North Carolina that I have sat at many, many times, and I know how it's supposed to smell, and I know how it's supposed to feel, and I'm like, Where did all go? Then I went off of it a couple of years ago, my current therapist, he's like, Yeah, that makes total sense. You are an arousal person. You like smells and sounds and excitement and thrills, and that's what keeps you alive. Highs.

I like what I see, like a little chaos. My bedroom proves that. It's a mess. So many things, so many knicks, so many clothes. I love clothes. Me too. I hate hanging them. If a man came into my life and said, I'm going to fold your clothes and put them away for you, I'm sucking his dick straight up.

Yeah, while he's folding.

Look at you made this space on a bed for you. This is your space, and I'm going to suck your dick for that because I will wash the clothes.

But you don't want to hang on more.

I will put the clothes in a basket. I will pour them on a guest bed, or I'll pour them on my bed first, and then I like to snuggle up to them. They smell so good. Warm. Yeah, I'm warm and stuff, and I'll take a nap in them.

Roll around in them like a kitten.

I do roll around in them. Then I will fold them eventually.

They're like your babies.

And put them in their space. Then I never put them away. I just start getting dressed right from the bed.

Monica has got a very similar relationship with her, and she loves clothes, and she buys so many clothes.

I love clothes. I do also just throw them all over the place. But it's interesting because I was just talking to my friend about this who has a very her chaotic mind. She is all over the place. She has ADHD, and her space is very clean, which I found shocking because my brain is very organized. It reversed. Counterintuitive. Yes. It was almost like, I can live in a messy space because my brain- It won't overwhelm you. It won't overwhelm me. It hers is the opposite.

I relate to her. I have anxiety from how much shit is crooked and out of place. It doesn't bother me.

But I feel comfortable in the clutter a little bit. Me too. I feel snuggly.

Cozy.

Yeah, cozy. We got it. That is it. Comfort in the chaos.

I'm also always single, and I do wonder if it is a little bit that where it's lived in. Yeah, because I don't want to let them in my space.

Look, let me tell you something. A man hasn't been in my bedroom since 2017. A man hasn't been in my bed, the bed that I like to sleep in since 2017. But I will fuck them in the guest room, on the couch, in the kitchen, on a left seat.

Because you're not letting anyone into that space unless there's.

It's my space. It's my dead. I get so mad when something breaks in the bathroom. I'm like, Let me figure out how to fix it If I can't fix it myself, then I'm like, Okay, let me organize my room. Let me clean my room and have the plumber come in, fix this bathroom, and then get the fuck out of here. I'm messing shit up immediately.

It's your nest.

Yeah, my nest.

Can we start at the beginning a little bit? Yeah. Born in South Central but moved out to San Bernardino County, what age?

When I was six or seven.

Okay, there's a lot of parallels. Geometro, SMC. So dad leaves at three. By the way, he's from a country I'd never heard of, and I think I know geography.

Eritrea, right next to Ethiopia.

Have you ever heard of Eritrea?

No, but I'm not very good at geography.

I was like, there can't be a country I'd never heard the name of until today.

It's only 32 years old now, I think maybe.

Oh, wow. Okay, so that helps. It was part of Ethiopia. How did mom meet him?

She was banking at Founders Bank, Buckingham and Martin Luther King. He was working at the gas station across the street. He was sitting on a bus stop. She thought he was a guy that she had met at a convention and told him to get in the car.

She's like, I'll give you a ride. I know you from the convention.

She's like, What are you doing on the bus stop? Get in the car. Where are you going? Get in the car.

He gets in the car. He probably thought he was about to get molested.

Then he starts talking. She was like, Wait a minute. You're not who I thought you were.

Because he has a thick accent.

Yeah, and he had a shirt on that said Michael, and the guy that she met, his name was Michael. Michael's not his actual name. That was the shirt they had at the gas station.

How long were they together?

For about four years. Within six months of them meeting, she was pregnant with me.

He was fertile?

Yeah, but she lost her virginity to him.

Oh, she did? How old was she?

That's what she said. Sure. 21. No.

Well, now maybe.

Maybe She was a travel witness. She said she only was with him and then my stepdad are the only two men she's ever been with. We try to catch her slipping up, get her to tell stories. Those are the only two men she talks about.

So he leaves. Do we know why?

Yeah, because he was selling green cards illegally, and He was on the run ever since for 27 years.

Until he was found for your wedding.

So my ex-husband, I met him on a cruise, and I thought he was too old for me and gross from the telephone conversations. And then I had changed my number. Cut to years go by, and I'm on Who's Got Jokes. He sees me on Who's Got Jokes, and he starts looking for me. He finds my number. He finds me. He's a private investigator, so he can find anybody. That's helpful. He calls me. I remember who he is. I'm like, Dank, if you could find me, maybe you could find my daddy because I have been looking. And that's what we bonded over on the boat. He's telling me he's a private investigator, and I was like, Let's just change numbers so you can find my dad. But he never found my dad back then. Then on the first phone conversation, I was like, If you could find my dad, I'll give you whatever you want. I'm thinking, I'll go on a few dates with him, maybe a little ass, just whatever. Sure, a little something. A couple of $100, whatever.

Yeah, whatever it takes.

Then he said, Well, if I find your dad, I want you to marry me. I laughed super hard and said, Sure, okay, whatever. You're not going to find him because I ain't found him all this time. Then over the course of three weeks, he was getting in my head. I was 26 at the time. I was young, dumb.

How old was he?

38. He was running game on me, but I was falling in. By the time we hit the three-week mark, I'm in love. This man is in my brain. Once he felt confident in that, then he had my dad call me.

Wow.

That's a move. There was a dude that knew my dad that called me and talked to me first. Then that dude gave my dad the phone number, and then my dad called me.

Did you have a lot of resentment?

I wanted to resent him so bad. I was playing when I first see him, I'm going to kick him in a ball. Why you didn't take care of me? Why would you abandon me? Every man in my life has abandoned me and left me.

I got this fucking pattern you gave me now.

I wanted to be so mean to him, but as soon as I heard his voice, it's like my whole soul knew. All that went away, and I was just so happy to hear his voice. The little girl in me is like, Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, Daddy. It felt so good. That was a good high. My soul was like, Okay, this is good.

Isn't it fucking wild how we're linked like that because we're half of them and it's just what it is?

Yeah. Biology.

A part of me didn't want to I wanted to be true because I had this fantasy of who he was and what he was and what he was doing. The fantasy is always better than the real life.

You had 23 years to work up some stories. Stay tuned for more Firefire Experts.

If you dare.

Now, for me, growing up without a dad in the house and around, I was really susceptible to masculinity. That was the hole that it left for me. What is it for a girl?

I didn't know how to be around men. I didn't know how to treat men. I didn't know how to really communicate with them.

Were you easily duped by them?

Always duped. But also I hung around a lot of boys, tomboyish and all that stuff, and taking advantage of a lot, manipulated a lot. But I was okay with that because I felt like, Oh, I'm learning something.

You have such a positive spin on everything. I'm learning things.

I know next time that ain't going to happen. Then it might happen again, but in a different way. Maybe I see the flags. I know this is going to happen, but he's fine.

Fuck it. Yeah, I've already dealt with the fallout of this before, and I lived- I'm going to be hurt over it.

It's going to be exciting. It'll be a story to tell.

You go to San Bernardino County.

Yeah, we moved to Promona first, and then we moved to Colton.

You already had the stepdad or mom met the stepdad there?

I already had the stepdad. And a little brother by the time we moved to Colton and my other sister was born.

They end up having four children together, two boys and two girls. And what do you think about him?

I think he's damaged. He went through a lot, probably growing up. I don't know everything that he went through, but I think he wanted to be a good person. I think he wants to do good things.

Did he have addiction stuff?

Yeah. And that's none of my damn business.

I only ask about him because mom gets in a really bad car accident. You You said at one point, you're under the belief he cut her brakes. You're being very generous about how much you like this guy.

But you're being compassionate. I didn't say I liked him.

You did not say that. I don't hate him either. I think people do things or say things because they're going through something. They think it's going to be a great idea. It ain't necessarily going to be that. When I sit back and look at it all, would my life have been better if that didn't happen? Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe I be the most unhappy bitch with dysfunctional parents. I still got dysfunctional parents, but their dysfunctions created my greatness. I do believe that we get to choose who we're born to, and maybe I'm wrong, but I like to believe in this fantasy because I think everybody has a purpose. Even if you're here for one day, there's some reason that you got to come in and do whatever you're supposed to do and get out. You can change your purpose and all that. I feel like I would never have fulfilled all the things I've fulfilled up to this point and been the influence that I've been, it helped others the way I've helped them. Had I not had those three major players around me. If I didn't come through my actual biological father and my biological mother, and has she not been with him?

Who knows? She was very good with money. Very smart businesswoman. So charming, so everything. I love her very much. But I don't know what came back out of that accident.

She changed radically after that.

Yeah, and it was scary.

She was diagnosed with schizophrenia, but you also feel like it's CTE-ish.

That's what I feel like it is.

But when she came out of that accident, she had a radical shift in her personality, and she got really dangerous to be around. Very dangerous to be around. I just want to say one thing because I really feel like you do, by the way, which is I love my life so much, and I'm so happy with it that I would never fuck with anything that happened. Getting molested. I'll keep it because I love where I landed. I don't want one of the things to have been not there. But I also can look at it and That was wild. I can have both. I can have judgment over and gratitude for it.

I don't know if I'm at the place where I wouldn't have made adjustments. I wish I had the guidance to maybe not fall into some of the things that I fell into. To know how to let go of things. I think my room is evident of me not letting go of things or not letting go of certain emotions or feelings for people. I'm trying to apply this rule that I learned in home economics, when in doubt, throw it out. I'm so good with food, and I'm getting better now with relationships, and I'm still working on my clothes in certain knicks-knacks because I don't have no doubts about that. I like this shit. This is mine.

You went into foster care at 13. So everything that you had that you define yourself by that gives you comfort. You got a clean slate at 13 of you've got now nothing to represent who you are. So fucking A, you want your shit, and it means a lot to you because you have it now, and you've lost it before. Your life disappeared once. So of course. Yeah. That's okay.

But I would like to clear my space.

You can do it slowly.

And then I'll put more shit in there.

What you would have to believe, and this is this thing I'm trying to do, I'm trying to get to a place where no one's coming for me. No one's going to try to victimize me. I have got to accept where I'm really at. I feel like what would be similar is no one's ever going to take your shit, which is hard to believe, isn't it?

Man, somebody stole all the pennies and dollars and money I had in Hello Kitty piggy bank. I felt like they had snatched a piece of my spirit. It had to be somebody I know. I felt so violated. It could have been three people. It could have been my dad. It could be the bitch that I let stay in my house with her daughter. It could have been her daughter, so four people. Or it could have been my boyfriend at the time.

But this was as an adult.

This is as an adult. I think it was my boyfriend at the time because he also stole my vacuum cleaner. He mailed my vacuum cleaner to his house. Who does that?

Yeah, that's stealing for the emotion behind it.

Because I got a hunch he didn't love vacuuming.

I don't know. What if he loved vacuuming so much?

Did you notice he loved vacuuming?

No. I went on Instagram and said, Man, I would love this vacuum cleaner. And somebody sent me one of the vacuum cleaners, and then one of my homegirls bought me the vacuum cleaner, too. And he could have just asked me for it, I would have gave it to him. But I was thinking, Oh, I'll give this to my mom and my sister, this other one, and we have twin vacuum cleaners.

You're matching vacuum.

This motherfucker stole it, sent it to himself. Then that Hello Kitty bank wasn't somewhere out in the open. It was in a box under some wigs in the back of a closet. So whoever did it had time and they was digging, and I know he'd be digging because he was going through old text messages on an iPad.

He was controlling and jealous.

Yeah, it's fucking weird. And couldn't fix shit. I had to put my own damn bidet in. Oh, my.

That's a good skill.

You can't put this bidet in for me.

He's too busy vacuuming.

Yeah, he just loved vacuuming.

He didn't vacuum me. He didn't wash no dishes, didn't help pay a light bill or nothing. I'm like, Go back to your house. You're not even helping pay a bill. Where's the service? Eaten my ass is not going to be enough.

It's something, but it's not enough.

It's not enough. Anybody will do that.

You're in foster for two years-ish? Yeah. What's the darkest period? Is it being with mom and seeing this person you don't recognize anymore?

That's the most fear.

Is going to live with grandma a sweet spot at all?

It was, but it was also scary, too, because mom had more access. A lot of fights and stuff. Because I didn't know how to deal with She didn't know how to deal with me. Then I'm a teenager at this point, and I'm feeling myself. I'm taking care of my sisters and brothers really good and being helpful to my grandma. There were some issues.

Was Woodland Hills an adjustment? What's the vibe in Woodland Hills?

At that time, it was very valley. Even the Latinos there, I feel like they were trying not to be Latino. Everybody was trying to be what they saw Nickelodian. But then there was this small group of Black kids that were like, Fuck that shit, crip, blip. Very small group of Black kids like that. I mean, very small, maybe five. But But the whole school was maybe 3% Black. My whole thing was, I'm going to make friends with everybody and get people to help me do my homework and help me get through this shit because I'm not smart enough to get through. I'm dumb.

I'm stupid. What an ironic thing to say. But you've already figured out you can regulate mom by being funny. Yeah. You can diffuse things. You can let the tension out. It becomes a really useful skill for survival.

It is a tool to survive, a shield, if you will.

Yeah. And you become the mascot of the school. So you're class clowny.

Yeah. Well, no wonder you're addicted to laughter.

It's safe.

It's safe. If it literally was there for survival.

You don't see a lot of people beating somebody and laughing at the same time.

They got to be really, really psychotic. Super, super psychotic. If they got a hard on in their laugh. Raging boner.

That's like a Texas chain song.

It's more of a cackle.

Maniocal laugh.

Beating and laughing, that's not someone's saying. Pure evil is laughing and hitting you at the same Most people are not evil. Most of the time when they're hitting you, it's...

Some swearing.

Listen to me when I tell you to do this thing.

Yeah, they do. They start punctuating their movements to their sentence. Yeah, you're right. And you're also dyslexic. And obviously, your life is so fucking busy with the four kids, the trying to modulate mother in and out of places. So clearly, you didn't get any help, I'm guessing. I think I was super late at fifth grade. I learned to read in fifth grade, finally. But you were in high school and you really still can't read.

I'm on a second or third grade level of reading. I'm just looking at the shape of words and guessing what they are. I felt stupid. I just knew I was stupid.

It's so fucking crazy talking to you that you could convince yourself of that.

But everybody would say it. You're so stupid. Girl, you're stupid as hell. You got to be the stupidest motherfucker I know. Damn, you're dumb.

And you're so fast. It's crazy. You're actually brilliant. Thank you. The notion that this little girl would not know she's brilliant is like a fucking travesty.

But if everybody is like, that's why you got to be careful how you talk to kids. They're listening and you help paint their world. I didn't realize that their stupid was saying I was funny. Right.

That word is used to be funny, too. In fact, Black folks use it a ton. When I make Black girls laugh, they always call me stupid.

Are you so stupid? Yes. Damn, you dumb as hell. You dumb than a motherfucker. I'm dumb, huh?

Because you were already thinking that or in your head, I can't even I hate to feel confused.

It's scary, right? I hate that fucking feeling. My sister's like, You are just a control freak. I'm not a control freak. I just don't want to feel confused because I don't like surprises because you're trying to confuse me. And then I'm going to get all like…

And then they're going to pull the rug out. The shoes are going to drop.

I hate that shit.

So you start doing comedy at 17. 16. Okay, 16 or 17. You go to the laugh factory. You got a counselor. Social worker. Yeah, let's not dress it up. It's not counselor. It's a social worker.

Yeah, counselor is something completely separate.

I ended up getting in that court order just after.

But basically, he or she gives you a choice. You go to the laugh factory. This is why… I mean, again, when you look back at your stories, some of these things are impossible that someone would have said that to you.

No, she gave me a choice.

Do you have gratitude for this woman?

Yeah, great gratitude. I ended up calling her and thanking her. She's like, I just remember you being the nicest, sweetest little girl, and you knew what you wanted to do, and you always made your way to go We would tell you no, and you would figure out a way to make it happen. I wanted to go to middle school, and they were like, No, you got to go to this school. I'm like, No, I'm going to middle school. I would catch the RTD at the time. It was a RTD back in the day. The public translation take 3 hours to get there. I did not care. I'm going to this school. The police kept coming to get me and stuff. Or a social worker come and get me. You're delinquent, you got to go to this school. Then I went in front of the judge, said, This is the school I want to go to, and this is why. He's like, Hey, let her go to that school.

Why does everyone care?

Most of these kids don't even want to go to school. Whatever school you want to go to, you can go to that school.

We're happy you want to go to school because you can't read. I don't know what you're going to do there.

Man, I have fun. I have a fucking fun there. I have fun getting people to read to me and I exercise my memory skills and communication skills. Do you have a great memory? Pretty good. But it feels like once I started to really read, it started going down. It dwindled away.

My theory on this, most dyslexics I know have a really good memory for oral stuff. Anything I've heard, because it's the only way you were going to get the info. You tell me a story. If I run to you in 12 years, I will remember most of this story. Same here.

I love audiobooks. I love taking newspaper articles and dropping it in speechify. I used to have that thing, remember back in the early 2000s where they had that pen that you could graze across the words and it would speak in a robot voice and speak it out loud to you?

No, I never had that.

You didn't have that? No. I saved my money up to get that. It was 56 dollars, and I got that bitch. I would scan it across words and it would say those stuff out loud. It made it easier for me to remember. Just hearing When other people say something, it's just way easier for me than reading it.

That's why I did good in college because mostly the professor tells you everything ultimately you got to know. I would just remember everything they said out loud.

When they speak, do you look at their mouth, look at how they move their body when they say certain words, little ticks they do. And then I can memorize all that shit. That's interesting. And then I could copy them later, too.

What year were you at SMC?

It was '98, '99.

I was there in '98, and then I went to UCLA in '99 in 2000. We might have been wandering the campus together.

Were you in the drama classes? Not at all. I signed up for the theater program. Immediately, the Spanish class.

I failed that one so many times.

Man, I took Spanish so many damn times. Can't do it. I always got a D or a C.

That's better than I did. I had to go take it at West LA College because I couldn't pass it at SMC. I had to keep dropping it. I'd get to that day. Now, we're not going to pass it. We got to get out of here. You start doing stand-up, and are you immediately comfortable up there?

Yeah, I felt safest up there. I had already won all these drama festivals. It was the Southern California, whatever drama competitions, and I had won in monologs already. I felt extremely comfortable. The safest place. Nobody can hurt me up here. There's a whole room full of witnesses if anybody tries to do something. I felt like the mastermind tickling people's souls, getting them to smile, getting them to laugh. Even if they didn't laugh, just getting them to not make any sound whatsoever and just look at me. Even if they're just looking like... I'm like, They're not doing anything now. Yeah, they're not aggressive. They're paying attention. I'm getting attention, and it's not negative. It doesn't hurt.

You have a long run of doing comedy, and you're on every show that was ever made in some period before you end up as a regular. You're on New Girl. You're on My Name is Earl. Between stand up and doing the occasional role, were you making a living?

I was doing okay. I would have some months where it'd be like, Oh, shit, I don't know. I'm paying my rent. Let me try to talk to some more comedians The one thing I did realize, especially in comedy, it's about relationships. If you want to make money in comedy, you need to be cool with other comedians. Most of my jobs have come from other comics because comedians evolve into writers, producers, showrunners, directors. They evolve into all these other things. And they also end up becoming promoters, bookers for clubs in different shows and stuff. So having those positive relationships created an opportunity for me to make money. So if my money was getting really, really low, I'm like, Oh, shit, how am I going to pay my rent in this little car note for this raggedy car.

My Million Mile Metro.

Right. But I did not have paid it off. Anyways, I would call different comics I knew they had rooms and be like, Hey, do you need me to perform? Hey, can I open up for you? And a lot of times when I asked to open up for people, they would say, No, you can't open up for me, but I'm going to call such and such. I'm like, Oh, I ended up in the hospital. I got this crazy medical bill, and my insurance isn't covering any of it, so I need help. I don't need you to give me money. Can you tell me where I can get some money? I call up Comedy Clubs, constantly ask it for spots, send cookies, and make some dinner, bring it to the bookers.

It seems like you have a good relationship with virtually every comedian. When does Kevin Hart enter your life?

Kevin Hart enters my life early. When I was 24.

You were living in your car when you guys met?

I knew him before, and then I ended up living in my car.

Okay, The Geometric. Yes.

We were doing a Comedy Playground together at the Laugh Factory on Wednesday night. It was like, Comedy Playground featuring Kevin Hart. We were his sidekicks. We do these sketches, and we would tell jokes. Then they did this thing, Ask a Black Woman, and Tiff Tips, Me on stage by myself.

I want to hear a Tiff Tiff, actually. What was the angle?

Dirty Nails, Dirty D, get that thing away from me. You don't want to be E. C, keep those things away from me.

The Carmichael show, that's your first series regular roll, right? Yes. Does that change your life?

That does make a huge adjustment to my life.

You're getting these amount of paychecks.

I was supposed to have this many episodes, and then they dropped down to this many episodes, and then it might go up a few episodes. That first season was a little dicey. The second season was a lot better because they realized people like this character. Then In the third season, they fell back on using my character as much. I think that's because I got too expensive. Sure.

But Lil Rel, we interviewed him in Toronto, and I like that dude so much.

That's like my bestie.

I had a hunch. He was great. He's such a genuine sweet soul. We also interviewed Jirad, which was incredible. That was fun, too. I love him, too. 17 is the wildest year of your life.

It was a fast year. My dad died that year. Girls Trip came out that year. Your book came out. My book came out that year. My very first came out that year. It was a lot. Probably 17 jobs that year.

Yeah, I guess that's the year I become aware of you. I remember being just an immediate enormous fan of yours. Like, Oh, this is a very special force of nature. She's here now, and this will be fun. Thank you.

You're one of those people where everyone thinks, not everyone, but a lot of people are like, Oh, my gosh. Overnight success. Never heard of her. Now she's in 20... I'm sure you've heard that a million times. It's so crazy how long it takes to get to overnight success.

Yeah, by 2017, you're 38. We left out hosting SNL and winning an Emmy for that. That is a radical fucking...

I know. I auditioned for that show three times and didn't get it. And now I know why, and I'm glad.

Why didn't you get it?

I would have imploded in that environment. It's a lot of pressure. I don't think I was mentally strong enough. I probably would have figured it out, but at first I would have felt to some really bad things. I wasn't ready. She was not ready. She was supposed to be the host, not the cast.

And win an Emmy I mean, my God. That part. Pretty rad, too, to have auditioned, not got it, and then roll in as a host and be the best of the year and get an Emmy. That's also a cool move. That's a great move. That's a great move. That's a much better story.

It'll be the first African-American female stand-up comedian to host. Let me repeat that. The very first African-American Jewish stand-up comedian female to host.

Hold on. Let's go again.

The very first dyslexic African-American Jewish female stand-up comedian to host.

Wow.

It's awesome.

Did you experience... Because weirdly for me, when everything came true is when the addiction got the worst and when I was suicidal for the first time in my life. Because I had this story about if I had this and I had that and I had that, I was going to finally feel good and I was going to feel safe and I was going to feel optimistic and we'd be good. Then I got all those things and I was like, I'm more scared than ever. Why didn't that fix everything?

Did you have that My moment was a little different. If there is addiction, which I don't think there is, but I was drinking the most when I was married because I didn't have to be super responsible for myself. Because he said, I'm going to take care. I'm going to do this. I'm going to do that. So I'm like, Well, fuck it then.

You do it. Right. I'll be back here tipping.

I feel like that's when I was getting really bad. But once I got to that certain level of success that I'm like, Okay, this is past where I wanted to be, but this is great. I wasn't sad because I'm where I want to be or this was not enough. I was sad because My mom can't really enjoy it the way I would like her to enjoy it. My grandma wasn't able to enjoy it the way I would have liked her to enjoy it. My father is gone, and my friends are acting different. It's gone from us helping each other and being there for each other to, Give me this, Tiffany. Always hearing problems instead of laughing with each other and enjoying each other like we normally would. It was so funny the first time somebody was like, Yeah, Tiffany, I need a little help. I need some help with some money. I'm like, Okay, cool. What you need? I'm thinking they're going to say how we've always said to each other, $100 $200, $200 or something. They're like, Yeah, I'm going to need $20,000. Oh, my God. $20,000.

The fuck? I had the exact same moment and the person said, $56,000. What? And I go, What the fuck are you talking about? And they're like, Oh, I had just gotten myself in all this debt. And I know if I could clear it out this way, I wouldn't have to pay the thing, and I'll pay you back. And I was like, 56?

They won't pay you back, though. No, no. They'll never pay you back. And I've developed a policy. At first, my policy was, If you need this money, I will lend you half of the money. And if you can pay me back by my birthday, great. If you can't pay me back, I still love you, but you just never can ask me for money again.

This is my one-time investment. That's a pretty lenient policy.

People started resent me. They started being really mean and nasty to me. Then my new policy now is, I love you, and I really value our friendship. I prefer you to be my actual friend. But if you need this money, then I'll give it to you.

But no, it's going to alter this.

No, that we probably won't be friends anymore because I don't want you to resent me.

Because they weirdly resent you. Yeah, because there's a power that happened. Because you remind them, too, that they owe. Every time they see you, they-Yeah, and they're getting new shoes and shit, and you're like, new cars. That's why you went on vacation. That's cool. That looked fun. Yeah.

They say they're going to pay. I'm going to get the money. It's like, Okay, four years of gone by, bitch. Then they're like, New titties, new this, new that. Are those my titties? Tummy tuck, BBLs. Is that my ass? Is some of my money on that ass?

You're walking around with my ass. I felt just very disappointed in people.

Already, my expectations was very low for people before then because all the stuff that happened as a in my 20s. But at that point, I'm holding an expectation for you at the bottom of the barrel, and you just went underneath the fucking barrel. So now I'm like, zero expectation. I expect everyone to be a piece of shit at some point, but I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt. But I'm not going to let you get close enough to be the full piece of shit that you could potentially be.

So everyone's at a tiny bit of an arm's length. Everybody like this. Yeah. Which is hard. You don't think that's wrong?

I think that's a little...

Because... No, I like this. I get to look at everybody, and I can I can spend time over here, spend time over here, but I'm spending time at a distance. And what I love is I've developed this thing where once a month I have a game night and I invite all the people that I care about to the game night. And it's so many people that want some of my time, that want to spend one-on-one time with me and all this stuff. But it's too many people here now. So you get a little bit, you get a little bit, you get five minutes, you get 10, you might get 25, and we're playing games. And now if you want to ask me for money, you got to ask me in front of everybody. If you want to ask me for some shit, you got to ask me in front of everybody. Somebody's liable to come interrupt this conversation if you ask me for some weird ass shit.

But then who gets your secrets? Your sister? Who do you have in your life who you can just be full?

I don't keep no fucking secrets no more. Fuck secrets.

Well, that's also a good policy. Fuck secret.

Just say it all.

Well, yeah, I read a thing. So I'm like you in that I'll just say everything, and then I'll get compliments for being honest. But I also know that I don't deserve them so much. What's really happening with me, and I feel like it's the same with you, is I refuse to let anyone shame me.

I already lived in that after my youth.

Right. So I'll just get it out there before you can even try to fucking shame me. Every time I shit my pants, I come in here on the podcast, in front of millions of people, I say, Shit my pants this morning. You did?

Not today, but a lot of days.

Once a year, I do.

Diarrheal?

Yeah, a little bit. It's never a full of… I've never had a log in my pants.

The first time that happened to me was the day after my 21st birthday. I realized I can't drink brown liquor. Oh, yeah. Alcohols. The brown liquor is not good for me.

Yes, we were. Not for your wardrobe.

No, no, no. I was at work, picked up a suitcase, and I was wearing a thong.

It was like, you could cut the shit.

It still down my leg. They would not let me go home. I had to rip the lining out of my uniform pants. I had to throw my panties away.

Oh, it's so humiliating.

Get rid of my socks. They was trying to call me Do Do Girl. I'm like, What? Do Do Girl. They called me Dooky Girl. I'm like, What? I'm not doing perfect.

Ain't nothing wrong with that. You're though.

No, I'm not.

You're pretty radical.

I've been farting over here the whole time.

That's perfect.

You're falling in love with me. That's my love spell. Slow, little.

Elixir. Now, when you wrote Last Black Unicorn, also 17, you told your story. Did you think at the time you wrote that book, I'll write this book and that'll be that, or did you get a sense that you would also write again?

I thought I'd write that book, and then it was so many pages. I was like, I'm going to have to do another one because this is too long. I don't super long books. So I took a bunch of stuff out, and I didn't elaborate.

So you had a pile of things that you liked and did want to share, but just out of space, you were like, We got to pair this down.

Yeah. And then I put it in this new book that's coming out May seventh.

I Curse You with Joy. There's a million wonderful stories in it. We could talk about- It's not a million. Okay, you're right. That'd be too long.

It'd be way too fucking long. Too much shit.

There's probably 25, 30 stories in it. How about that? A perfect amount of stories. How about that?

Enough to make a movie.

Stay tuned for more Farmshare Expert, if you dare. I do want you to tell one of them because my favorite actor of all time, nick Cage. He's my dude. Tell me your nick Cage story. There's an actual chapter called nick Cage.

Yeah, I probably should have sent that to him before I did it.

No, he'll love it. How could he not love this? I'm jealous of nick Cage when I read that story.

I was 17, and that movie, Face Off, came out. I'm in the movie theater with this guy on the date. We're making out. He starts filling around.

You haven't done any of this yet?

I have never had an orgasm before.

Okay.

Here's his finger on him. I'm enjoying it.

You're more romantic in the story.

You want me to do it the sexy way? I wrote it in a more romantic... When I tell it to a man, I just make it more...

Well, we have a big female listening to our baby.

No, I'm a romantic. I tell it to the ladies. If it was just me and her here, I'd be like, So first. Yeah.

Think of me as a lady. I like the buildup.

Okay, so we at the movies. Oh, my God. Nobody else is there. Like an eight o'clock movie? Is that nice? No, it was like a late night movie. Nobody else was in the theater. We're in the back of the theater.

He knew he was a pro.

He's definitely a pro. He's like three or four years older than me. Wow. He's like 21.

Worldly. He can try.

He knows how to drive.

We're in there, we're in the theater, and we're watching a movie, and the movie's pretty good. We start making out. We start kissing. Then he start feeling all over my body, exploring places and everything. Then going all up under my skirt. Okay. Rubbing on the outside of my panties.

I'm like, What a pro. He wrote, he took his time.

Now I'm trying to act like I'm watching a movie. He kiss me on my neck and stuff, and I'm looking at the movie and everything. I'm looking at him, smelling his ear. Well, he started by licking your ear. No, he was like, kissing on my neck. Oh, he did lick my ear a little bit. Yes, he did.

Oh, you remember that part? Of course I did.

I remember every step of this promo.

It's funny because now I do not want anybody to ever fucking lick my ears because I have been through some other shit after that. This is before I was damaged, before I was destroyed.

Four of the eggs were not cracked yet. Before I was ruined.

Before I keloid scarred on my soul of ecstasy. He's doing doing all this stuff, whatever, to me, and then he's under my skirt, and he's feeling around in between them lips and everything. I'm like, Oh, my God. Never felt nothing like this before. He's like, Fiddling the thing, thing. I'm like, Oh, my goodness. My eyes are closed. Then I open my eyes. When I open my eyes, the camera is on Nicolas cage's eyes. Closer. Closer up on his eyes. So it's his eyes and my eyes are locking in. I am having an orgasm.

Your first orgasm with somebody. My very first. Not in your life. In my life. You hadn't played with yourself?

Fuck, no. No, really. It was the 1900s. What? 1900s. What? Pornography was available to me to know how to masturbate. Okay. I had read some things- You hadn't hopped a pillow or?

No. Okay. I'm not accusing you of anything.

I had a been. I had a been. I had a been. I had a been. I had a been. I had a been. I had a Teddy Bear and stuff before, but not to orgasm.

Not to the climax. Okay.

Just humping a bear a little bit. Oh, that tickles. That feels weird. With tight jeans. That's crazy. But I never had an orgasm before.

And your locked eyes with Nicholas.

Locked eyes with Nicholas. I'm like,. I'm like, I don't know what's happening right now. I'm not making any noise. I'm just like, I guess I am making noise. My feet are going up and he's like, Yeah, that's it. That's it, girl.

I'm like, Oh, this is so exciting. Holding a fucking stair with Nicolas Cage.

It was like, bam. Then cut to the unbearable weight of massive talent. I'm like, Oh, my gosh. I'm going to work with Nicolas Cage, and I'm doing scenes with Nicolas Cage.

You never bumped into him. He's very elusive.

Never bumped into him before. You got to pay to see I guess so. Or you got to be in karaoke places.

Reptile house.

I don't know. We're going to be in a haunted house. I get to set in this COVID. I've been in lockdown at least for two weeks. They've already been filming. I get to set. There's a guy for me in this hot pink leather jacket and all that stuff. There's all these patches all over in Mr. Vegas or whatever. I'm like, Oh, fuck, that's Nicolas Cadegian. We start rehearsing the scene and he has his mask on. It's just the eyes.

It's isolating just the eyes. Oh, my God.

My body is I'm like, Yo, those are the eyes. And I'm like, No, no, gross.

No. I have to be professional.

There's this whole conflict going on. I'm having the hardest time saying my lines. I'm having the hardest time doing anything. This is incredible. It's like I just learned how to fucking act that morning.

On the way that's at.

It is fucking horrible. They didn't even use any of those scenes in the movie because it was so bad. I'm sure the director is like, Why did I hire this bitch? Why they say she's great? I don't get it. I don't understand. And I asked for a rehearsal beforehand. I was nervous. Then I said, You know what? I got to tell you a story. It's probably very inappropriate, but I think it's the only way I'm going to be able to get through this. It's the only way that my brain is going to be able to calibrate and focus because this is not who I am. It's too loud in my brain. You're looking at me with your eyes.

Are you using your eyes to look at me?

If you were looking at me with your nostrils, if you're just saying. We could roll. He was looking at me with just your cheek. I got to tell you the story. He was like, Go ahead and tell me. I said, But it's very inappropriate. I don't want you to take it. It's inappropriate. He was like, I got to handle it. I'm not going to tell me what's going on. What are you talking about? I was like, All right, I'm going to tell you. So I told him the story.

But you gave him a quick one, obviously. Did you tell him- You didn't tell him the girl version. Kissy and the neck? No, I gave him to a quick version.

The cliff notes of it. Did he burst out laughing? Of course. He was like, That's crazy. My first wife saw me in a movie where she was on a date with a guy. She said, I'm going to marry that guy. Then we got married. I said, None of that is going to be happening over here. I just need to say What if he took you two face off?

He found it plain somewhere in Budapest, then he took you there, still off the table. I mean, he's married.

We got to forget- He wasn't married yet at the time. They were engaged. If he would have offered to take me to the movies to see that, I would have been like, I've seen it already. Thank you. I'd much rather go karaoke. Maybe we can go see Dracula's Castle or something. Let's go look at a palace. I would much rather do a lunch. I told him the story, and then it was the best work day ever. We hit it off immediately. He started telling me stories about industry stuff. I started telling him stories about stuff. We became friends.

Is he rad? I want him to be rad so much.

Red? Rad. He is rad.

Yeah, rad.

White boy talk.

I haven't heard that shit in so long. I haven't heard that since 1909. He is rad. Some of the other actors were feeling some type of way because they're like, We've been with him for all this time, and he hasn't been talking to us like that. I said, You didn't share a story about you having an orgasm for the first time.

Yeah, go jerk off watching Face Off then come in tomorrow.

That's on them. I'm like, No, I'm sure he likes you. They're like, No, he doesn't like me. He hates me. He doesn't talk to me. He likes to have conversations with you. But I was asking him questions, too. How do you manage being in this business? What was it like? You were so young. What do you feel was your biggest pitfalls? What was the things that knocked you off your rocker that you just couldn't believe happened? What were the good moments? What did you do with your money? How did you make it grow? He's like, Shit, I fucked my money off. You're like,.

Very famously. In fact, you should have avoided that question. No, He did a little more research.

No, it was the best fucking question to ask it because I knew.

He had castles and he had a business manager that was fucked up.

He told me everything because also that was in the movie. That was in the movie. I was like, How did you let that slide by? He was like, I was out there. I was doing this, I was doing that.

He's working his ass off.

I was like, Who pays attention to that shit when you're fucking making money? He's right. He's like, Tiffany, what are you doing? You need to make sure you do this. I love talking to people that have made those mistakes. Yeah, that's true. Because they can tell you how to avoid I'm telling him, This is what I want to do. Every time I do a movie, I'm going to buy a piece of land, put it in a business or a trust for my family and do this for my family. He's like, How many kids do you have? I'm like, I don't have any kids, man. He's like, What do you care about the family? Why can't you have the money? I'm like, No, because I'm going to be old one day and I'm going to need somebody to take care of me. They're probably going to want to get money for it. He's like, You're very smart, very intelligent young lady. It meant so much to me to hear him say that I was smart. I would come on set and he would be like, Titter. He would light up.

Of course. Wouldn't it be so funny if the rest of the cast every day would go up to him and make up a story about when they orgasmed in front of him so that he could start loving them, too.

But I didn't tell all of them what I said because some of them didn't speak English, but also because I felt like it was inappropriate. You shouldn't be telling your coworkers.

Yeah, and generally, no.

I was bombing hard. And it was respectful the way I did it.

Also, much better if a woman's telling a dude that story than a dude telling a woman. If you're a young actor, male on set, and you're with an older actress, you don't need to tell her that you came watching her eyes. It's gendered a little bit, too.

I mean, I'm going to be honest with you.

When you hit 60, some young buck.

When I'm like, 60, 70 years old and a handsome young guy. Justin. I was watching Girls Trip and you were really handling that banana.

I was getting my first blow job.

This girl that I like was like, Oh, let me try that. It was like, Yo. I just wanted to thank you, Tiffany. I would say, You're welcome. You know what? I'm not going to do that for you, young man.

That's someone else's job.

I can pay these mortgages.

Oh, that's great.

I wanted to ask you one thing about dating because I feel so bad for every woman who has become powerful and shiny. I mean, can I handle that? But what's even worse than they can't handle it, they're attracted to it. I'm thinking of the billionaire. The story that I heard that to me really illustrates what you're up against when you're a powerful woman who has her own thing going is, they're attracted to that so much But then the second they're with it, they're so threatened by it that they want you to stop it. Is that the pattern of a lot of these?

I think even the poor men.

Yeah. They're threatened by the attention and the other people you know and that you make your own shit. You don't need them. That's threatening.

I think that's why a lot of successful women turn into lesbians.

Interesting. Because women don't have that problem like men do, or not nearly as much.

Exactly. Another woman is not going to be like, Oh, she makes more money than me. Fuck this bitch. They're not going to be like, She makes more money than me, and I keep that house clean, and we go on fucking awesome trips, and we have a blast. She fucking bodyrocks the shit out of it. She's so affectionate towards me or whatever. They're not threatened by it. No. The other woman's not feeling like, Well, I do all this shit for her. There's an even exchange. I think it's possible between a man and a woman, but that's why I don't ever spend more than $20 on a dude unless it's a business thing and it's like, Oh, I sent flowers, or he works for me and he's doing this thing, and it's still not me. It's the company that's doing that shit. I'm not doing that shit.

But the field of men you have to select from is really, really small. Men that are so confident in who they are that they're not threatened by how much you have going on.

Yeah, or not threatened by other rich men being around.

Or movie stars.

I don't think I'll ever fuck a movie star, ever.

You've never fucked a single movie star?

I fucked an entertainer.

Okay. That could be anything. That could be a sports person.

I don't think I'll ever do that again. Really? I think I'll fuck one again, but never be in a relationship with one again.

There we go.

Because you think they're more sensitive to this ism?

Girl, yes. They egos. I think men really want you to be submissive, and I am submissive, but Not in all realms.

You're not going to extinguish your flame to make someone else feel better. No, you can't do that. That's such a betrayal of yourself.

I'm never doing that again.

A lot of men want that, right?

Either stop doing all the shit you're doing or let me pimp you out. Let me run your Let me decide where you get to perform. Let me decide when you get to go on vacation. I wouldn't mind that so much if it was a we thing. We decide when I work this job. When a man makes me feel like I'm his property, I'm his little dog that he walks or that he shows off at a point. You're show pony? Yeah, showpony me. I do not like that shit at all. I don't mind if we go to the party and he's like, Look at her. Don't she look so good? I love his dress on her. That's great.

Cute. Borderline for me.

It is borderline.

Dudes who date someone that's attractive because they want to get the approval from other people. Your dude should say all that to you at home. But those dudes that are really showing, I'm always like, What's going on here?

You really don't need to do that with me because people already know. You're already wowing people. I got a DUI and that shit was on the Korean news. I am popping. Korean news. I'm popping, motherfucker. I'm international. Any studio says she's not international, I'll be like, Google- Was your DUI in the Korean news? First of all, Google famous Black women who have been arrested for DUI. There's nobody else.

Yeah, I don't think I know of one-off the top of my head. But I didn't know about yours until I was researching you today.

But I got into an argument with this other female comment because she's like, You just ruined your whole fucking career. I said, Ruined my career. If anything, I'm able to prove to the studios that I'm international, bitch. I'm on that I won't be on this level, bitch. I won't be on this level forever. But you know what? It was me and Josephine Baker that popped up in the motherfucking article. It was me and Josephine, motherfucking Baker. That bitch is a legend. She adopted a bunch of kids. I got 40 kids living in my goddamn units and shit. I'm doing something, bitch. That's how I felt about it. She was like, Excuse me.

What was the hardest chapter to write for I Curse You With Joy?

There was one that was super hard, and I ended up taking it out because I felt like, I don't want to talk about it. What I learned from the first book is you're going to have to talk about it.

Well, yeah, there's a whole section where you're answering the fucking questions that you can't escape from the first book. Here, let me just finally tell you the answers of this, and you can just pipe down about it.

I'm going to relive it. I'm done with it. It is what it is.

But what one in the book that What made it were you on the fence about?

Maybe the Getting Stone one because I don't want to sound racist.

Tell us the Getting Stone one.

You didn't read it?

I didn't read the Getting Stone one. Do you know what happened?

Yeah, this is behind the curtain.

This has never happened to us in six and a half years. You were in the schedule for tomorrow. I was? Yes, as was an expert on Compassion. We're recording another show we do at 10:00 this morning, and all of a sudden, Rob goes, Oh, my God, the expert's five minutes away. And we go, What the fuck are you talking about? That's tomorrow. Everything that was in Thursday's schedule was supposed to happen today, which has never happened in six and a half years. And I immediately was like, Tiffany's going to be here in four hours. I need to read this book. So I read as much of it as I could. So I'm not going to lie to you. But normally, because we had this bizarre fuck-up, I would have known the getting high story. Are your feelings hurt by that? I just want to check in.

No, I'm not because I probably wouldn't have read it either.

I did as much as I humanly could. I did as much as I humanly I'm fucking with you. I'm fucking with you.

I drink some tea with somebody, some marijuana tea. We had some conversations, and she wanted me to get arrested with her. I'm like, Yo, if I get arrested, they might not let my ass out. They're going to let your white ass out.

Why did she want to get arrested? To protest something?

Yes, to protest. You know white women when they want to get arrested, while they want to get arrested.

That is not racist.

Well, I did say some shit in there like, your white ass is going to be out the next day. They might decide to make an example of me and keep me. Exactly, yeah. They like to make examples of people like me.

You getting arrested is a totally different... It is. Listen, I'm going to be honest with you. When I started hearing the term white privilege, I'm like, my life didn't feel all that fucking privileged. I got defensive. I'm like, what was the privilege? But then I was like, oh, but you know what? I was a hardcore addict for 10 years. I was in and out of the hood buying crack. I got pulled over all the time, fucked up. No one ever searched me. And I was like, okay, real talk. I would have been in prison.

So fast.

It took me-If you was a black man, you built the way you are. Yes. No, I'm dead.

Especially if you had them same your eyes and you had skin the color of mine. Baby, you would have got locked up so fast and you would have been somebody's bitch.

Probably worse the way I talked to people. I would have got shot. That all hit me where I was like, oh, yeah, despite all the shit and the government cheese, I got to be an addict in a way that no Black dude can be an addict.

You got to have a comeback. Grace, where's the dude from... Is it Roger?

What you talk about? Jj? No. What you talk about? The older brother, Michael something?

His name is not Michael something. But he never got paid.

The older brother. Yeah, he was fine with him. But he robbed a dry cleaner or did the check dead?

He was on drugs. He was selling drugs, doing drugs, all that stuff. No come back. What black male actor or female actor, which one has come back from that? Who's the black Robert Downey Jr?

Right. Yeah, it's true. Well, now you've stopped me, But I am going to mole this over. I'm inclined to think you're dead right and that there isn't a single example.

I don't even know any women. I know women that have done drugs.

The person, though, that I'll say a sports person, and not to contradict you. I take your point in your dead right, so I'm not trying to contradict you. I'm talking about an actor. But Darryl Strawberry, he had the most publicized drug habit and was in the news all the time. He is in all these documentaries now, and he's very loved again. People have a lot of compassion. I'm so grateful for it because he's such a sweet fucking guy.

But is he playing baseball anymore?

Well, he passed his window of playing professional baseball. Right.

There's no comeback. Is he a coach? Is he a team manager? Most baseball players, they end up becoming what? Coaches, team managers, owners, something.

Point taken. I agree with you. Privilege.

Yeah.

I'm hoping my white privilege kick in at some point. I'm betting on my 17%.

Well, Tiffany, this was every bit as fun as I hoped it be. I have not written any other actor more DMs on Instagram than I have you over the years. Is that true? Yeah. I've sent messages.

I have to find out right now. Okay. I stay out of the DMs because it'll be penises that pop up and stuff.

I don't fuck with DMs either. When I send I'm not expecting really anything, but I've sent them because I'm a huge fan. Yeah.

Let's see. It's Dax Sheppard, right?

Yeah, I think so.

And you DM me? Yes, ma'am. You DM this Tiffany Hadish that has a blue checkmark?

Yes.

What if it was the other Tiffany Hadish?

Because you don't even follow me, sir.

Listen, I'm going to start crafting you one. See if it pops. And see if my history-I just sent you one because you alive.

Scary.

I'm scared. I am, too.

Did you DM my Twitter? This is on Instagram.

I bet it's Twitter. You're right. Her DM to me is, You a lie.

Let me go look on my ex account.

Yeah, but I don't have one anymore. I quit it like a year and a half ago.

Because you didn't want to pay.

That was before that. I was just like, This place makes me upset, and I get my feelings hurt here. Why am I here?

Maybe there might be some old messages in there for me because you said- But I've gone.

I don't know how that's going to come up.

This was a full disaster.

This was a major disaster because I have sent you DM and I don't really know how to explain this. And I asked Ike Baran. We could call Ike right now. And I've asked everyone I know.

We definitely asked your people a lot. That I can vouch for for sure. Do we need to pull up those emails?

She's on the case. That doesn't make me lie. I feel like I'm getting the experience of what it'd be like if we were dating for three months.

If we were dating for three months and you lied to me? I'll be like, Oh.

You thought I lied to you? Yeah. Oh, for real? Look me in the eyes. Do you think I really didn't send you DMs that I haven't tried to reach out to you.

I think that you sent DMs to the wrong Tiffany Hadish. I think you've been- That might be a positive. I think you've been manipulated because there's a lot of people that pretend to be me online, and they're not me. Was there a blue checkmark?

That is something also you might do on an accident.

The silver lining of this.

Getting to know you. Getting to know all about you. Oh, look at this. Getting to like you.

Getting to know.

Getting to snoop on you. Getting to know you like me. I like you.

I like you a lot. I've never gone to pick up a guest, but I would a hundred more times.

What if I were to tell you, I'm at the police station. I need you to get me out of here.

I'm being serious. Do you have this? When you know other people have had your thing, I, without knowing you, would probably be a lot.

I know I'm supposed to be there right now, but I'm here at the police station. If you could come get me.

You heard his story. He's dying to pick people up at the police station. I know. I know. I know.

I know how to get to all of them. That would have been better.

That's hilarious. That would have been a way better story to tell, too. Tiffany, how did you end up at the police station? So what had happened was, what I witnessed was.

But I'm being sincere. When you know people have been through the shit, kids who are going through it, who have been through the shit, who are scared of the adults in their house, I will be there for those people. So if I think, or I know, I heard you got a car, I'm like, Oh, I'll go right now.

I was shocked when you said that.

I'm coming. It could have been anywhere.

Really? Yes. But I was right down the street.

Unfortunately, I don't get to prove it. You're going to have to get fucked up somewhere, like down in Orange County.

Korean news.

We'll hear all about it.

Oh, my gosh. You know what's crazy, too, is I was like, Dang, I need to be back driving my Volkswagen EOS. I ain't driven it in a minute. Well, you're going to be.

I'm going to be driving. If you're out of necessity for the next few days.

You got to do the research. What car I want now.

Tiffany, I love this, and it was everything I thought it might be. I'm really excited that we got to have you.

I'm excited, too.

I hope everyone gets, I curse you with joy. You know what What makes me think of a little bit is Thank Him, Honey, Octavia. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Octavia's got the greatest Thank Him, Honey. No matter what, they lowball her, Thank Him, Honey.

I forgot about that.

I curse you with joy. It's like, Thank Him, Honey.

Well, I like that. Bless your heart. That's when I be really mad. I really don't want to fuck with you.

Bless your heart. Bless your heart. It's a mess. Bless your heart. All right, Tiffany. Now, I'm going to drive you home. Thank you, honey. This will continue.

Another I'm going to have a higher episode in the car ride home.

My phone is charged up a little bit. We'll put the audio record.

We can go anywhere.

Look at me as a kid.

Oh, no.

That was a good time.

That was before the keloid.

She deserved all the stuff.

Smiling at my granny.

Oh, sweet.

Oh, grandparents, aren't they the greatest?

They're the best thing in the world. I wish I could resurrect people.

The only thing that breaks my heart, I don't ever get this feeling where I wish someone could see me succeed or be proud of me. I would kill to bring my Papa Bob back to life and just hang with him for a few days in my life and go like, I'm here because of you. Yeah. Thank you.

Thank you. Thanks for being such a sweet man. I mean, I'm used to tell my grandma, Thank you all the time, and look at her in the eyes and tell her, I love you. She's like, Girl, calm down. You're being weird. That's too much. Go in and clean and romance. I just love to hug her and smell her wigs and stuff.

She heard it, though, even if she said something.

Sometimes I'll be putting her wigs on now.

All right. Adore you. I'm weird. Everyone One, read, I Curse You with Joy. I sure hope there weren't any mistakes in that episode, but we'll find out when my mom, Mrs. Monica, comes in and tells us what was wrong.

Yeah. We're your daughter. I take naps at random times, too.

All these patterns are emerging.

Between me and Aaron?

You, Aaron Charlie. Not that he naps, but figuring out that I only hang out with people that are athletically superior to me. And now this one, I'm drawn to nappers.

I napped yesterday. I used to nap a lot, a lot, a lot. I don't really anymore unless I'm really tired. Or often the week leading up to my period, which is now.

I don't know why. I feel bad for you. I rarely get hit with that. It'll happen occasionally with jet lag or an illness where it's like you get to 1 hour of the day, it's like 1:00 PM, and all of a sudden you go like, Oh, I to lay down right now. Your body's like, I quit.

Oh, look who's here. Here he is.

Were you taking a nap? Yeah.

He knew it. I knew it.

And then Monica said, I took I napped yesterday, and I said, Well, we're really discovering some patterns about who I'm drawn to. Super athletic nappers.

It's not fair to call me super athletic.

I counterintuitive, too. I don't associate super for athletes with also nappers.

Well, you have to nap to rejuvenate your muscles. Yeah. I actually do think that's why partly I napped. Okay, this is a great thing for us to talk about. Right. I'm in a dilemma.

Oh, great. I will have advice, whether it's right or wrong. I need both of your advice. Sure.

So I'm back on my wogs.

In case Aaron doesn't know. Yeah.

My wag is a lap of walking, then two laps running, lap walking, two laps running.

Well, say jogging, so that wog makes sense.

No, but it's running because I'm running fast. The combo- Then you should call it a WAN. No. Okay. Wan?

I don't know what to do. Your branding is a little... Were you asking a branding question?

No, I guess it's a jog, and then I'm not sprinting, but I'm running at a pace. I'm not just... How about this?

You're not going to like this. Okay. I don't think there's any science to what I'm about to say, but I think anything over an eight-minute mile is a jog, and anything sub-7 is a run.

Sub-7 or sub-8?

I know. That's weird. Yeah, it makes sense. Let's do seven and a half minutes.

No, I think eight or under is a run.

Okay. I think if you're running a couple of miles... Most people that We're runners. I remember when I offended Malcolm Gladwell, and I said he jogged.

Well, that's what you're doing now.

He is a runner. Yeah, he is. He runs six minute miles for five, six miles. I don't know. I feel like that's a run. And then there's jog is like elevated heart rate, pushing yourself. Okay, whatever.

I run two laps, and then I walk briskly, one. And the one that I walk is long. Like, it's a two block and has an uphill. So it's a whole thing I have going, okay? I'm back on it, and I'm normally doing it around six-ish, between six and seven. This whole thing takes about an hour.

First of all, God bless you. That's a hard time to motivate to work. The evening? Yeah, but- You got to bang that up in the morning.

No, I'm tired in the morning. Okay, are you? Are you tired in the morning?

Extremely tired in the morning.

See, you're- Aaron's the ultimate yes, Andrew. Your friends are tired in the morning.

I don't do anything until the afternoon.

Aaron had no improv training, but he is the king of Yes, Amber. Are you tired in the morning? Absolutely.

No, I can tell he is. That's another I'm the type you're attracted to. And okay, so I'm out at that time. There's a group of people. This is like eight or nine people, all with at least a dog. They're standing at the corner of Commonwealth and Avocado. They're standing in my path, and they're standing in the sidewalk. Some of them are on this grassy part, but they're taking up this whole sidewalk, and they see me, and sometimes they'll move their foot, but they are not making space. And it's so many people, and it slows me down. It messes me up. And it... I never get this angry, but it feels unjust. It feels entitled. We just had a narcissist person on. It's so narcissistic. And I don't really know what to do about it because there's so many of them. I do feel... Outnumbered? Yeah. I feel I to call it out. But it's so rude. It is crazy.

It's outrageous.

They see me.

Now, I have to admit something. I'm a little ahead of the curve on this dilemma because you guys had a girls dinner last night. So any time Kristin comes home from these girls dinner- She repeats the dinner. I say, What's everyone up to? And she goes, oh, Erica's got this great idea for a new business. Amy said, Ryan's doing this. And I hear from everyone. And she said, Monica's having a hard time with these people while she runs. So I'm abreast of this situation. Okay.

How did you feel when I was telling it? How do I act? Just now? Do I act like I hadn't heard it?

Well, by the way, this is actually an old... This is a reoccurring dilemma in your life, because years ago when you were doing this, you would sometimes sound often here about people dogs. They wouldn't pull them out of the way or they'd be taken. Yes. So you had a previous grievance. There's a lot of Bad etiquette with the sidewalks. Sidewalk etiquette. Yes. And this is going to be probably two down the middle for you. But first of all, yes, they're rude. They should move out of the way. They should not even... They should party in the grass or in a driveway. Exactly. They should still be social. I think that's great that they're gathering. I'm happy for them.

Yeah, that's obviously not the problem. No, I know.

Don't defend them. First of all, I'm on your side because what they're doing is rude and they shouldn't do that. So you're right. Secondly, there are two variables in this equation. There's you, and then there's this group of eight people. And so I think you should change your route. I think you should just do another route because you are destined to just get frustrated over and over and over again, and you're never going to be able to get them to move. And so why put yourself through the inevitable frustration? Maybe just run a different block. There's so many blocks to choose from.

They all are really different.

They are all... The participants? Oh, the blocks are so different.

Yes. So after on my third time of this or a fourth, whatever, it was like my last lap, I did think, I was like, I can't run by them again. So I then ran the whole two block Yeah. Instead. So I didn't have to cross over them again.

And it sucked. Yeah. So, again, I want to reiterate, you are in the right, but I have to recite the serenity prayer, which is God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. I would argue this is a situation that you're powerless over that you can't change. So your best course of action is acceptance, which is this blows. I probably can't change it.

But why can't I?

I keep thinking this is what I would do. I don't think you'll do it, but you may. Okay, let's see that. Maybe if they make a small can, airhorn can.

They do. They make those.

Yeah, but as you're coming up, just go...

Right. So that is a way to handle it. And then if you want to be the person blowing a foghorn, people go like, Have you seen that crazy bitch over in Los Felices? She's got a foghorn.

I actually, I don't give a fuck if they think I'm crazy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Then you should do this then.

But I don't want to carry that. No, I know.

That's why I said if they make a real small one.

Oh, right. Like a Lady Remington version.

Hold in my little lemon.

Just like a bike one.

Yeah.

It's like a key chain one. Like Mace.

And like one of them said, Excuse us, didn't move.

But didn't move.

Like, it's acting. It's actively- Well, I can imagine what...

I'm so scared to- Go ahead. Paint a defense for them. But I can imagine there, they might be being just strictly utilitarian about it, where they go, There's eight of us that would have to move, versus one of her that would have to move. So it makes more sense that the one person would move than the eight people would move.

But it doesn't because it's a sidewalk.

Yes, again, you are completely in the right.

You don't own.

It's for movement.

It's not for parking. It's literally for people to walk and move freely and get to where they need to get and not have to run in the street or walk in the street.

Alternative strategy you won't take either. But along the lines with what Aaron's saying is I would run right through the middle of them I would fart as loud as I can. And then I promise you when I come tomorrow and they see me jotting, they'll be, Oh, fucking. Here's that fucking gross guy. You fucking sicko. And they would all move out of the way because they don't want to get fart particles on them.

Maybe fart spray. Everything I have above the can.

You love your hair cells.

A can of hairspray and a lighter. Just run by torching in the air.

Wd-40 in a straw.

Christine, She had a good advice. What was hers? It's the best advice I've heard out of these.

Better than farting in the middle of them? Yeah.

She said that maybe you could say, Hey, guys, it's really hard to keep up a run, so if you see me coming through, can you please move? And that is good. But also, I don't really... I'm scared to talk. You feel like they don't deserve that? No, I feel uncomfortable.

When are you doing this? Drive down there before your walk?

Hey, gang, in about 20 minutes, I'm going to be taking a run.

I'd have to stop in the middle of the WOG, do it, and then... Exactly. And it would work.

There's no way they're that big assholes. They probably would accommodate. But I imagine I mean, my best guess is they're doing what I suggested, which is eight of us versus one of you. Just move, so eight of us don't have to be inconvenienced.

That's really dumb and annoying.

Do you run so fast that if you were running in place while you're talking to them, it's too much?

Yeah, definitely. That's a big slow down. It's already a slow down even when I'm like, Excuse me, excuse me.

So you really are booking. You might be doing seven and a half more miles. I'm running fast for the run. I think you are in a wan. A rocky. You'd have to do rock. Rock.

Okay, but I'm going to stick with wong.

Rocky. Well, now you're the person in the sidewalk.

No, I'm not. You're trying to change my thing I invented. You feel feel entitled to do that. Anywho, yeah. Or maybe I should just... When the Narcissus episode comes out, I should just blast it as I'm running.

Jog with a big jam box. Yeah.

So they hear it loud and clear. It really bothers me because it is hard to get back on this routine, and I don't like it, and I'm doing it, and it's good for me, and they are making it- They're impeding it. Really, really unpleasant, and it's already unpleasant. Right. It's easy for me to be like, I don't want to deal with that today, so I'm not doing it.

Can you harness that ire in the moment to push you harder and faster on your rock?

I can't go harder and faster if they're blocking.

No, but I'm saying once you get beyond them, you harness that.

Well, that is what happens, actually. I think I get really mad and I'm going fast, but then it's messing up my breathe. It's not good.

I bet you're getting gains out of it, though.

No, I'm not. Don't make it that. Positive. Don't make it that.

Trying to reframe it all. We know reframing is powerful.

You would be so pissed.

We know exactly how I would deal with this. I'm not claiming- Would you push them all out of the way? If I locked eyes with someone, they saw us running towards them on the sidewalk, and they chose to just stay planned, I'd probably run right into them.

I mean, I essentially am. I'm just still trying to run their- I'd say, Excuse me right before I hit them.

Yeah. But yeah, I think... What do you think you'd really do, Aaron?

Yeah, I think I would- Bowl them. Probably run into them, too.

Which is not... That's the very ill-advised approach. It's not good. I know. That's so horrible.

I'm really unimpressed by eight people that they can't get out of your way.

Just move.

Especially your way.

We haven't even thought of this. Try jogging with the picture of baby Monica, and as you're approaching them, show them and go, I'm just this little baby, and they would probably jump out of the way and then run behind you to protect you in case anything happens. One of them has a baby. What's the breakdown of the genders of this group?

Lots of genders.

Are all the dogs small or will they attack you?

No, there's big ass dogs.

Werewolves. What if one of the guys was a werewolf? That's going to get hairy. I was literally in figuratively.

I also feel annoyed by their group. I don't know what's happening with that group, but why isn't one person in the group nice enough to say, Hey, guys, maybe we should not not stand in the sidewalk. All these people suck. Like, what?

You're not going to like this, but you have to agree. Oh my God, how many times? You'll have to agree that I'm right about this. If this was a movie, the very last scene- Me cute. The last scene of this movie, you would be with those guys and girls having a blast. You would have joined them. Never. I know, but I'm saying that this is a movie.

Movies are stupid. They're not based in reality.

Some are, some aren't. But don't you think that would be the be a way to end this movie?

Yeah, it'd be easy. It'd be a bad writing. Lazy.

Yeah, lazy.

Thank you.

Lazy writing.

Anyway, if anyone listening has ideas or if anyone listening is in this group, please, please just ask the other members. There's people in walkers and stuff.

There's people- Do you think maybe they move for them? I bet they go. Probably.

I bet everyone didn't mean to not move for you, but after they didn't move the first time, now they have to hold their ground.

Oh, you think they're just like, Oh, fuck, we better double down?

Hold their ground. I mean, I hate that for you. What if as you jogged by, they lifted their shirts up and they had pistols in their waistband?

Oh, my God. One time is fine. It would be one thing if every now and then they weren't moving, but every time. It just feels so entitled in a way that's absurd.

It's very triggering. Very. Yeah. Do you think there's any merit to what I'm saying about one of the two variables has to change?

This is the route for my run.

Right. So it's not going to be you. So we got to get these eight people to change.

And you can hardly even run in the grass to get around it because all the dogs. It's a bad situation. It's a roadblock for you. It's a full roadblock.

So what if there were a roadblock?

Yeah, that is a situation that's not entitled. That is an actual when you use the AA thing. I can't control that.

Right. Do you feel like you would be surrendering to them to alter your route? Like, they would have won?

No, that's actually going to cost me. Like, that route, new route, whatever it is, is going to probably be harder.

See, my hang up in that situation was I would feel like they won, and I hate feeling defeated.

That's not it. I just want to run in the way that I fucking do. Deserve to. Yeah.

That could be a headline like, angry woman mows down eight people.

That's how people do get... This is how people get pushed to the edge.

Now, that's a movie.

Yeah. It's called Falling Down. You remember Michael Douglas? Oh, he had this falling down. Yes. He just had enough.

I love you guys, but you really weren't helpful at all. No.

Well, I don't think a great friend gives the advice they necessarily were wanting to hear.

No. Kristen gave me good advice. It's not one that I want to- I'm going to go check the situation out.

Were you annoyed with her at all?

No, I wasn't. I was like, That's good advice. I don't want to do it because I'm scared. But it's sound. Yeah.

What was it? Excuse me. It's hard to keep up my Yeah.

Excuse me. It's hard for me to keep up my run. I understand you guys are all hanging out, but if you see me, can you just make space for me?

Here's. I've printed out eight wallet-size pictures of me as a baby. If these are for you, just so you think about that when you see me, see this little baby coming down the street, aren't you proud of her?

Do you have anything to add?

I agree.

It sucks.

I deal with that with school drop off, where there's parents in a group that walk.

And then I've got Vincent with me, and they don't move.

People are not conscientious. It makes me very mad. Yeah.

It's an epidemic.

It's a... And those feel as is like, just a disaster.

A very populous city. We live in a very populous city.

Anyway. Is Is it illegal to block a sidewalk for a certain amount of time?

What have you called the cops on them? Most certainly.

I bet it is illegal. It's only if it's for an unlawful purpose. Oh. Well.

You think they're conspiring? You just have to prove they're conspiring to commit a crime.

What else could they be doing? Okay, well, that was my beef. Now, this is interesting. Oh, God, I'm so outnumbered here. So this is going to be hard.

Is this a boy/girl thing?

No, it's a couple/singles thing. Okay. At our girls, and none of us said any. We never say anything that's secretive to the group because we're all close-knet group, so who cares? But this is just a bigger question. Should we assume that everyone went home to their partners and replayed all of our interactions? Not in this dinner, in all of our dinners. Is it assumed?

Well, I think you're positioning it as, are they going to tell everything or nothing. And I don't think it's either of those things. Your partner comes home and you go, How was dinner? And they go, Good. They can't leave it at that. What happened? Oh, we were laughing about blah, blah, blah. Now, are they going to betray whatever level of secrecy that you all five have. And again, if it's a secret that all five of you are sharing, I don't think it's that deep of a secret because you're already sharing it with five people. But even in that case, I don't think necessarily that Kristen is going to say something that was presumed to be in confidence of that five people. Yeah.

In general, this is a thing, right? Where because someone's in a couple, if you tell them something in confidence, should there be an assumption that it just goes without saying that the partner will know? What do you think?

Yeah, I think you should assume they're going to tell their significant other.

That's also. I just think it's...

This is why it's unfair, I think. Because, yes, that is what single people assume. They assume that if they're telling someone who is in a partnership, goes without saying unless you say explicitly that their partner is going to just know. But if I tell a friend, that's a betrayal.

I don't know about that. My assumption is you do tell your friend stuff. You tell me stuff. We all tell our friends.

No, but again, out of the group, right? If you're telling me something, and then you hear later that I was talking about it with someone close to me, someone else, you probably wouldn't love it. And yet, if I find out that you told Kristen something, I have to just be like, I guess that's just the way it goes. But it's not fair.

I don't know if I agree with that, though, sommation, because I think you do tell your friends stuff I tell you, and you tell me stuff your friends have told you. And I think people tell each other things they've heard I don't really think it's unique to couples. Yes. Do people tell their spouses stuff? Most certainly.

Yeah.

But I'm only... And you don't agree, but I would argue people do that with their best friends as well.

Yeah, they do. Yeah. But I think the other person feels that they have an entitlement of- Betrayal. Betrayal. I got you.

And it's the same thing. Yes. If you're going to feel betrayed, someone told their best friend something you told them, then you should equally feel betrayed that they told their spouse. Spouse. Yeah.

I think you're an exception, but I do think a lot of people have this where they're just like, well, obviously my husband knows or obviously this person knows. And it's like, well, that's not fair.

Well, that gets into a really fun thing about every time I watch one of these shows, like CIA shows, can Can you imagine being married to someone that was not allowed to tell you what they did at work all day, every day? They accepting that? That seems crazy to me. My hunch is they do tell their spouses all the secrets of the state.

I don't think so. You don't? I really don't.

It's probably neither one or the other. It's probably some mix of people that are sharing too much.

Often, I don't know. Often, I know one example of two people who are in the CIA who are married. So maybe they intermingle a Maybe they both have the right security clearance to tell each other's stuff. I don't know if they tell each other's stuff, but they're both in the CIA, so they recognize the importance of it.

They might not press each other.

Right, exactly. Yeah.

Interesting. But it would be very weird to be partnered up with somebody that their work life, which is half of their life, is completely unknown to you and never will be known to you.

It's cool because then you don't talk about work. You just talk about other stuff.

What else is there to talk about?

I was married to someone in the CIA, I'd be like, Tell me about your work. It's so exciting. I'd actually want to know. You'd force them.

I would be like, I'm dying to tell someone about my work.

I know. I don't think you'd really have. I get married I need to tell someone about it. They can at least, I think, enact that marriage clause, right? Spousal-spousal privilege? Yes. I think there is a little safeguard in that one. That was happening in Bob Durst documentary. When they were deposing his wife, the lawyer kept stopping the questioner and saying, That's privileged marriage.

Oh, that she doesn't have to say.

Yeah, there's a private communication between her and her husband.

Okay, but see, this is exactly what I'm talking about. So there's spousal privilege, but not best friend privilege.

No, not legally. You got a real leg to stand on in that argument.

That's not fair.

Right. Maybe you can get that privileged legally I'm not going to go to the courthouse.

I want to try. And ask for it. Okay. Well, this is for Tiffany Hadish.

Oh, what a party. I can't wait for you to hear this one, Erin. Yeah.

It's a good episode. But okay, also, so, yeah, we went to dinner last night at the Chateau Marmont.

I was shocked to hear that you guys... So it was for Molly's birthday.

Yeah, she had never been.

She had never been. But my understanding was you and Kristen are anti-Chateau.

I'm not anti-sheish.

Yeah, but didn't you think as well? You were telling me you didn't agree them not letting people in and stuff.

No, I don't like country clubs. And then you were trying to equate that to the Chateau. And I like the Chateau Marmont.

Yeah, of course.

It's great. Because I don't think also, because she was saying, which I understand, she was like, it's exclusionary, but she was also acknowledging that she just thinks she doesn't belong there. Yeah, it's her own insecurity.

Yes, exactly. Because what's interesting, yeah, and this is a cute thing about Kristen, is she doesn't necessarily feel cool sometimes. Cool is a trigger for her.

Yeah.

And that place is the quintet an essential cool place in Hollywood. Fucking Balushi died there. I mean, it's the place.

I know, but like, again, it is and it's not. When you go, it's a great vibe. It's very fun Hollywood. But I'm not looking around thinking everyone's cool.

How do you... Sorry. How do you get- In? Are you able to get- Reservation.

Oh, okay. So that's why I can't hate it that much, because it's not that exclusionary. You can make a reservation. Because I just made a reservation and got in. Oh, okay.

Where there would be selection is if you rolled in there without a reservation, you would not get a table. Yes. Unless you were a desirable guest for that.

Fancy. But exactly. And I made that point. I said, look, I think we think that because there's all this lure about the chateau, and it is this old Hollywood place. But every single restaurant we go to as a group, it's the same thing. You either have to have a reservation or they wouldn't let us in unless you were fancy. It's all the same. There's just something about that specific place that's I love it anyway. But it came up on this episode, so it was a ding, ding, ding. Oh, yeah.

I would say it is I buy in. That place has this magic where you feel like, Oh, I'm in Hollywood. Good, California. I dig it.

Yeah, it's fun. It's a fun place. Oh, my God. The cookies were so good. I loved the cookies. You love cookies? Also, and I shouldn't say this. I shouldn't say it. Am I going to say it? Say it.

Yeah, you can call it.

They have these candles there that are so good. They smell so good. And they've been out of stock for what I found out was six years. Oh, my God. What?

How could that be?

And they used to I call them at Claire Vivier also. So that's so sometimes I would... But they were hidden, but it was a hidden secret. So I would get them there. And then whatever, the past couple of years, they've been out of stock there. And so I went up and said, You don't have the candles, do And she was like, we do have them.

No way. Yes. Why did it take them six years to restock? I just don't know.

What is the smell?

I can't even describe it. No, but so... And she said, she said, I had to wait I had this crazy waitlist, and when I was calling people on it, they would be ordering 20.

Sure. A scarcity mentality.

And I then was like, well, I need four. Okay. For me.

And then I thought, They sell candles at Chateau is what you're saying? Yeah. Oh, okay.

But I don't know if I want to tell people because I don't want them to sell out. I thought you were going to say you stole one.

That's what I thought it was coming to.

Oh, no, no, no, no, I decided instead to buy enough for the girls and give everyone one.

So you got five and kept one for yourself?

I got six. And kept two for yourself. Yeah, but one I'm going to give to Kristen. She left early.

Okay. There's six of you. Oh, there were six of you there. I thought there was five of you there.

So I did the right thing.

Good job.

And I'm hoping it- Karmically, there'll probably be an endless supply of candles now. Or karmically, maybe those people will not be on the street anymore. I'm hoping that evens out somehow.

Oh, it's going to somehow impact that. Okay.

I could have bought them candles. Oh, my God.

You got to make a day of it.

I don't care if you could just offer them cash. No one suggested that. That's true. Hey, guys, what's it? Five bucks a pop? You guys get out of the way when I come?

I take more than five, maybe 20 a piece. Twenty? Yeah, 160 bucks. Get them out of there.

I can get the fuck out of here. Go fuck off. You spend this 20 somewhere, you rat.

More people will come. These are trash people.

Yeah, there'll be 100 people getting their hands out.

Okay, so you said bunting or blunting.

Is the term for when your antidepressant robs you of your highs?

Antidepressant bunting. About half of users who take selective serotonin SSRIs report a sense of emotional blunting, a psychic flatness that limits their emotional range, particularly their ability to experience positive feelings like pleasure and joy. So it is blunting.

Have you experienced that, Aaron? I don't.

Maybe when my cocktail wasn't quite right, I experienced that, but I don't experience it now.

Neither do I.

Well, what was weird is I did the first time I ever tried it, and then I got off of it, and then I did it again for a period of time, and I didn't experience it the second time.

Yeah, you got to get it right. You got to get the right thing for you.

It was the same dose, weirdly.

It was like the same- Of the same medication?

Same medicine, same dose. Oh, weird. I basically was just like at some point, well, it's worth the blunting to be able to sleep leading up for this job. And then I got on it and I was like, oh, that's weird. I don't have it this time. That's weird. Maybe the first round was psychosomatic. I know I'm on something. I have reservations about being on it to begin with.

Or maybe your body... I mean, it takes a minute to adjust to these two. Yeah. So maybe it was more that. Yeah. Okay. You mentioned you met her at a CASA event. Casa, if people don't know, is Court Appointed Special Advocates. It promotes Court Appointed Advocates for Abused and Neglected Children. And your mom is a CASA.

Yes, she was for years and they're really awesome because they just become this. There's so many changing faces when you're in foster, both between who you're staying with and then you're going to see doctors and you're getting evaluated and maybe at school you have things. So this person joins you on all those things. Supervised visitation with a parent, then the diagnosis from a doctor, all this stuff. And they're just consistent and they're with you. And then when it comes time for the court case, for the judge to evaluate whether they should be returned or not to their parents or stay in foster care, the opinion of the CASA is waived because they've gotten to see the whole thing. Yeah.

It's really cool.

How do you become a CASA?

That's a great question. I guess you just call and volunteer. I know my mom had to do-I think you do classes Well, as a part of... Yeah. I mean, they can just call and volunteer and get going on it. And then, yeah, there are different classes that she would take from time to time and learn about different developmental stuff that's common with kids that are in Foster. It's very sweet, man. The people that volunteer to do that are so awesome. It's incredible.

There's a article that I enjoyed. It's a seven-minute read, though, so I'm probably not going to read it unless you want me to, unless this is a Taylor Swift situation.

Is there two minutes of it you want to hit us with?

It's hard to do that. Okay, what's the article about? It's about meat. Meat? Meat eating. Because you and Tiffany get in a conversation about meat.

Oh, about whether Yeah, she said we're not designed to eat meat. Exactly. Whether we're designed. That's not true.

But there's conflicting information, and this is from Scientific American, so I trust it. I trust it. And it is for 2.4 out of the 2.5 million years, We've been eating animals. So start with that. That's the first sentence. But then there's a lot more to it.

Can I have one other thing? You don't ever see a deer eating a dead raccoon carcass. Animals that are herbivores eat plants, period. They can't eat meat. They don't have the right stomach for it. And you don't see a lion or a tiger eating a field of grass when they're hungry. So just the simple fact that if you observe the animal eating the food, that is proof that that's the food they're supposed to eat. It's very basic.

That's the food we were evolved to eat.

Yes. If we were herbivores, we couldn't eat meat.

But we are omnivores. We are, yeah. So we are able to eat vegetables. It's not like Yeah.

But if we weren't supposed to eat meat, that would make us herbivores, and we couldn't eat it.

Yeah, exactly. Well, that's clear. We're not herbivores. But I mean, there's so much evidence for vegetarianism being so good for Yes.

I don't have a claim that vegetarianism isn't very healthy. That's not at all. She said, We don't have the teeth of an animal that eats meat. That's how it started. And I said, Well, that's because we have been cooking the meat for millions of years. Yes, you did say that. It allows us to have different teeth.

Yeah. Anywho, it's called, Does Humanity Have to Eat Meat? Have to. Yes. And it's Scientific American.

We don't have to.

Right. Okay. Yeah.

Yeah. We I have to eat meat. Yeah. That's not my claim at all. Or even that being vegetarian isn't healthier. I don't think there's a good enough study.

Okay, that's good for us to clarify.

Yeah, I'm not saying that at all. I'm just... There is a group of vegetarians that claim humans aren't supposed to eat meat, and that is just factually incorrect. Yeah. I'm entitled to say one thing after that stupid degree. It's that. That's fair. This species is designed to eat plants and animals.

Yeah. Okay, cool. Well, anyway, let's see what else. Sour power strips. She loves them. I looked them up. They look delicious.

Enough for you to hit add to cart? No.

No. Okay. They're not for me.

I like them. You do? Yeah, I eat candy like fucking crazy.

So you know what I mean? The thick, they're thick? Yeah. Oh, you know? Wow.

Well, he's... Tell Moni about your new treat you brought with you. Oh, yeah.

I just finished them, actually. Sorry. What is it? They're nerd gummies. So do you know what the I love nerds. Okay. So they're gummies with nerds all over them for the outer shell.

Encrusted with nerd.

So is it a thick gummy? Like, is it a big piece?

They're pretty small. They're all different sizes, but they're pretty small, like the size of a rock.

It looks like a tiny little rock.

Oh, my God. That sounds nice.

But we said... Oh, by the way, you saw them and just didn't notice. Oh, yeah.

I had some on the table when we played Spade Saturday.

And when I looked over, it looked like a dumb little toy. It looks like something the girls would play with.

Maybe I'm sure I thought.

Yeah, it was like a bouncy something. It was overly colorful. And then I saw Erwin slam one in his mouth, and I was like, he's eating the girls' toys.

No, Ruth, he turned me on to him because she's really guided me along my candy journey because she loves candy, too. She loves it? Oh, really? Yeah. And so I always... If I don't go into her bedside drawer, that's where she stashes her candy because you have to hide the candy from the kids, too. Oh, sure. So I like to see what's doing. Like, what does she got today? Because there's candy from everywhere that gets into the I was like, Trader Joe's candy. That fucking sour tape. I fought it for a long time, but I'm there. I just love candy. And I never fucking ate candy in my life.

Wait, really?

It's Yeah, it's new. Am I right? And then it started with these ginger treats. Yeah. That was like the gateway candy. Those are healthy. They're almost salty.

It's healthy, and I used it to curb my appetite, so I would stop eating every five seconds. I would eat those.

Cutest routine was like, I noticed it in the dunes. So we go in the dunes, and then at night, Aaron and I will get on the couch to watch our movie at night, as we always do. And then Aaron goes and gets 12 of his ginger treats, and he'll I'm going to put him out on the bed and he's like, Oh, yeah, these are my ginger treats, so I don't go eat something more. And then I got into those ginger treats a little bit on that trip. You did? Yeah, it's fun.

I hate ginger treats.

Oh, yeah. People hate them or love them for sure.

I wish I loved them because they're, I think, healthy.

I hate to be terminally unique, but I didn't hate it or love it. I was just like, here. I certainly didn't love it and I didn't hate it.

I think I got a heartburn from them before.

They're spicy.

Yeah, they're spicy. Use of an ulcer.

They're only like five calories.

Yeah. Yeah, and there's something to do. And that's what I liked. It's almost like dipping or something. It's just like something to satisfy the oral's fixation.

Yes, definitely. So now the candy, though, the nerd... Okay, so the nerds came about in these small packages, like a gas station package. And Ruthie said, Now, if I got into a package that was open, I would eat the package. And she's like, God damn it. They're like four bucks. And you can only get them at a gas station. And there's so few in there. And I'm like, Well, that's fucked because now I like these, but I'm not going to spend four bucks.

Eight, 16 dollars a night.

Yeah, because I want more than a package when I sit down to have some.

Also four bucks a night is a pack of cigarettes. You might as well go back to buying fucking camels. I guess I'm out of the game for 19 years. Yeah.

But the bag that I brought here, fucking score on Amazon, of course. Oh, nice. A humongous bag for six bucks. That has 10 gas station packages. Oh, wow. And yes, I ate that entire package since I've been here.

Economy of Scale.

Yeah, we love it.

Liberal arts education. Is there any candies you eat, Monnie?

I'm not a huge candy gal. I'm more of a cookie gal. Yeah. Although I like candy. I just don't brave it.

I feel like you should. Do you think it should be Cookie Boy? I'm a girl. I know, but in this rare situation, could you be, I'm a Cookie Boy?

No, I can be Cookie Monster.

Okay, Cookie Monster. That's a good compromise.

Do we eat cookie crumble?

Crumble cookies? Do you eat crumbs off the table when other people have cookies?

Do you mean Cookie Chris?

What do you mean? Do I have that wrong? There's a fancy Cookie, Cookie place.

Oh, C-R-U-M-B-L or something. I know what you mean.

Okay. Crumble cookies. It comes in a pink box.

I've seen them.

They're like gourmet cookies.

I saw that in New York. I didn't have it.

Okay. Well, I'm sure they got one around the corner. They're all over Michigan.

Is it a big box of cookie powder?

It's not powder. It's not crumble's cookies. It's delicious.

Full-size cookies.

Full-size cookies with a hundred different flavors and flavors of the day.

It's a brand. Fully intact cookies. Soft.

They're like the downside to that. See, I like cookies now. I like everything. I like everything.

Well, you're a cookie boy.

That I am a cookie boy there. And the Cookie Monster.

I can get on all fours and eat your cookie.

There's like Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Oh, wow. And the downside is there are a thousand calories.

Oh, because there's so much What's going on? Oh, God.

Yeah. Speaking of calories. Oh, you know what? They come with a... I'm really calling Ruthie out on all of our fucking bad habits we've developed lately.

She deserves to bring some home. I mean, you and I have Captain Bad Habits.

That's true.

Yeah. That is very true. She fucking earns it every day. She doesn't eat them every day. But you can a cookie cutter. I think that's designed specifically for crumble cookie.

This is like Dungeons and Dragons all of a sudden. I feel like it's veering into nerdiness all of a sudden. I can't believe how much I know about it. Where's there a cookie cutter?

And it cuts it into four pieces. Now, obviously, you could do that with a knife.

It's not that fast.

It'll take not that long. But I think it's to manage your pigginess.

Oh, wow. I'm a piggy boy.

Maybe a quarter every once in a while. Sure.

Maybe it just slows you down a hair.

And if you guys want to know anything more about this company, I'll tell you.

I feel like you were paid on the side. I know. You're another fat. You got to get this on the air. Forward/aaron. Yeah, just- That's for an Aaron weekly for 10% off. I drive here in a Lamborghini. Oh, wow. But, man, I'm not going to call out the restaurant because it was so fucking delicious. But my God, we were at a steakhouse, Aaron and Charlie and I, Monday night, and the calories were on the menu. I have never seen anything like this. The Tomahawk steak was 2,400 calories. The loaded baked potato was 1,500 calories. The wedge salad we got was-Was 800. Yeah, 860. What? Or 890. Yeah, just shy of 900. That's the salad. Yeah, we were like, the fries were the lowest caloric thing. Yeah, the onion rings were better than the salad. The salad? Or the baked potato. And then the only other thing was the crab legs were 600 calories, but that wasn't including the butter. We got three bowls of butter. We had to have eaten 6,000, 7,000 calories.

My first question, this can't be normal. The first thing I saw looking at the menu was the calories. And I'm like, now this fucking makes you want to not really... I want to eat everything that we ate when I go to get a steak. And I don't want to think about it. I know it's going to be a lot, but I'll deal with it the Today needs good- Aaron, the next day and eat good.

I agree. I don't want to know that. I don't want to see that.

Yeah, but that was... It was a lot. We laughed. We're like, there's no way the salad is as much.

Is that just because the dressing? It has to be. It's lettuce and Well, bacon, I guess.

Crumbled blue cheese.

I mean, the bacon was delicious and fresh.

It was an outrageous salad, but it was about the same as a Big Mac value meal. It's crazy. Gallery-wise? Yeah. Wow. That's nuts. Well, the thing is, it's a California law, and it's all about how many locations you have. More than a certain amount. I'll tell you, I did this with CPK. I went to CPK, post that law. I know. I was like, Fuck this. Barbecue chicken sales. What?

Yeah. Talk about a salad that's like 4,000 calories.

Yeah. And it's not definitely under that, but it is definitely higher than I was expecting. The one that blew my mind at CPK was the hummus. But this is fucking chickpeas. How are we getting up this high? I was like, I've not been back. I guess it's a good law in that way, but I hate it.

I'm going to start wearing a blindfold when you go out to eat.

Tell the waiter you forgot your glasses and ask them to-I'm not bringing the menu.

I already know what I want.

Yeah, I don't like that.

It ruins- It ruins the magic of eating out.

In this case, it made for a good conversation. It did.

Mostly it was entertaining because we learned from our server that there's a certain actor that eats there three nights a week, and he is very skinny, and we're like, What is he ordering? What does he order?

The onion rings every day?

The locail menu?

Well, maybe this person does a lot of running, not jogging.

We'll cut it out, but it's... He's so thin.

He's very fit. Yeah.

Yeah.

Three days a week. Dang. Eaten that fucking menu.

This is making me starving.

Yeah, I got to tell you.

I want that so bad.

That meal we had Monday night was one of the best meals I've ever had.

It was really good.

In your whole life.

It was up there. You were so effusive. There's no way. Isn't that great, though? I do believe that.

I know. It's cute that you actually think it. I do. But there's no way.

The steak was so good. And we got a rack of lamb.

Dax and I split her.

Yeah, we always- Well, maybe the experience I could see.

No, the food.

Both. It was the perfect marriage. That's funny.

I got the same response from Ruthie.

She did. Because you told her it was one of the best meals? Yeah. You guys. But you know this is the foundation of Aaron and I's friendship, which- You know it was a hurdle for me with you for a while.

I know. You didn't like it. It's not anymore. I have radical acceptance.

Well, and I don't want to be a downer or paint us as victims. But I have thought a lot about this because you should have seen Aaron and I at the hotel in Orlando. I don't think any two human beings have ever had more fun at Disney World than Aaron and I. And I was thinking about one of my favorite parts of you, and especially our friendship, is you and I can get so excited for anything. And again, not to be a bummer or make us victims, but I do think there are a lot of bad times. So when the good Good times were good, we were both like, Oh, fuck, yeah. And let's feel it. And it's here. And we're out of that fucking trailer with insanity that's happening there. Now we're in this field. But I just think by comparison, when the good times happen, I think we really knew how to make the most of them. Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah. And that's the foundation of our friendship. We get so pumped for the stupidest shit.

Fuck, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. That's a great... I think that's a great way to be. I I can't take it seriously anymore, ever, when you say things are the best or the most.

I'm racking my brain of when I had a better one-two punch in that rib eye and those lamb. What about Emily Burger?

That for a long time was I'm not going to say my favorite.

That's good. It's really good. It's a good meal. Now it's good. No. Emily Burger, it's also the best. We just have different definitions of best. Well, there's genres. Is it the best taco? Is I know. This was the best burger. This was the best steakhouse experience I've had. I think other than my date with Mcconey, which is also the best.

I'm. Because okay, Jess and I have this, too, because we've been trying to figure out our top five desserts of all time over the span of our life. And it's hard for me. I'm really thinking about it. I have not committed. I won't commit. And we go to three restaurants in three days, and he's like, These three are on there. And I'm like, No, no, no. Look no further. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. All to say, I don't trust that. Like, Oh, yeah, this, this, and this that I had last week in my top five of all time. No. And same for you. I can't trust it.

I can't trust you. How about this? Have you been burned? Like, if I told you something that was great and then it wasn't, have you had a Maya experience where I sent you to Olga's in Thousand Oaks? No, I like Olga's.

You did take me to Olga's.

But you're more white trash like me. I do. I do a lot of that stuff. You like your garbage food. I do. Yeah, we both do. I can click into that phone. Domino's. We love Domino's. Fuck, what a pie. I love it. What a pie. I do love it. It's a gourmet pie.

And a rectangle sandwich from Burger King.

Yes, these are 10s. Yeah. But can you think of a time I was effusive about a place or vouched for a place and you went and you're like, Well, that was a fool's errand?

No, no, no. I don't think that's happened, but I just think it's like, not everything can be the best.

You know what I think it It's my issue. You don't feel safe.

Yeah, I don't.

Unless you're the best. I'm the best. Yeah, and that's really sad. We talked about you're in a nice baggage, and that's yours, and that's heartbreaking. Of course.

Yeah, I want to be the best. Best friend. I want to be everyone's best. Everyone's number one. I want that. But also- Because then you can't be replaced or excluded.

Yeah, of course.

But also it is a trust thing. How do I know what you're saying to me? Now we're getting deep, and I don't even really mean you, but in general, if everything's the best, and I'm also the best, then immediately I'm not the best because it means just everything's the same. And you know what? I don't need to be the best.

I do. But also, again, if you step into our mindset, which is it is the best. It's not- No, it's not. It's not- But do you know what best means? Hold on. It'd be one thing if we were saying you're the best, but we didn't mean it or we weren't experiencing it. If we had said this restaurant was the best, but we didn't like it, That's scary. But you hook Aaron and I up to a polygraph and ask us if that was the best steakhouse we've ever been to. We're passing that test.

I know, but that's unsafe to me that you do believe it. And then next week you do believe it, and then that week you do believe it.

But the primary thought should just... The most important thing is if we say you're the best, that's true. All that matters is that you're the best. It's true.

But inherently, can't you just say you're great?

No, because you're the best.

I loved it. It was great. Oh, my gosh. I want to go back. These are things I can wrap my head around. But it's my... I mean, look, it is my issue. It's not either of your issues.

But I understand. I fully understand what you're saying. But all that matters to me, it's like, if you tell me I'm the... Let's say this. You say to me, Monica, you're the funiest person I've ever met. What's important to me is that you really believe that. Now, if you tell Jessie's the funiest person you ever... I don't actually care. As long as you were sincere about when you told it to me, that makes me really happy. Okay. Yeah.

I just can't. I'm just not like that.

How would that affect you, Sharon? No, I can...

The same.

No, who? Me or him?

Yes. The same.

Aaron, wouldn't you, if I said you were the funniest person I've ever met, and then you saw me the next day tell Jess he was the funiest person, wouldn't you be like, Hmm? Hmm. Hmm. Hmm.

I think I would believe that you thought I was the funiest.

They just said it to Jess to be nice. Oh, that's great. That's a lot of confidence. Oh, that's it. Interesting.

So I think I would believe you.

Yeah. I just think if I heard someone- I think Sassy She felt would say, You and I are the funiest person she's ever met. She'd say people, and that's more normal. That's a normal thing people would do. But I'm just going to say, here and now, if I heard someone say that, I'd be like, You're an unpredictable person, and you're full of shit. Not you, because I haven't heard you say that, but I wouldn't like it.

But I catch myself in this all the time, but it's not hypocritical. There are several people I think are the funniest comedians alive. They're in a group of fun and comedians. Because they've hit a level that's not been surpassed. Yeah, it's like a gold medalist. There's multiple gold medalists. It's like Usain Bolt one year, and then it was another. And I could say to both of them that.

You're the fastest person I've ever met.

Yeah, or you're the fastest person. That's not true. One of them is faster than the other. I think there are multiple comedians that I don't think one's better than the other, but I think they're the best there is.

But can't it just be like, you're one of the best there is, or you're one of the funniest comedians in the world? There's a way to frame it where all of that is true, but it becomes immediately not true by verbiage alone.

I know what you're saying. You know what I mean? Semantically, it's incorrect.

Yeah, I guess I'm obsessed with grammar.

Yeah, because the spirit's more important to me than the semantics of it.

Okay.

But for the record, Richard Pryer is the funniest comedian that's ever lived. Actually, he is. But also David Letterman is just as funny as him and is good and the best comedian to ever live. And Bill Murray. Those three.

Those three are your favorite comedians. They Of all time. I got to go. I got to go.

Do you sign up on that list?

I like that list. I mean, Richard Pryer is a given.

Yeah. I guess we can give it to him.

Do you want to add anyone to the best of all time?

Dave Chapelle. No, he would make... I would call him the best comedian of all time. Of all time. Yeah, for sure. But Richard Pryer, though, is for sure the best of all time. And I think Dave would recognize that as well, that he's the best of all time, and that also Richard Pryer is better.

Okay, I can. Gallagher?

Oh, the Dice Man? Oh, God. Dice. Okay, well, we solved nothing today.

Yeah. But that's all right. We had fun doing it. We sure did. That's all that matters. I love you. Love you.

Love you.